6:57p - Confused
Most of the time I feel fine.
I'm happy with things the way they are, but sometimes I want to see things
beyond the confines of the little town I live in. I had a really nice day at
school today and no, Lana did not smile at me. I just had such a great time with
my two best friends. We hung out in the school paper's office for a while just
talking about things. Nothing big, just normal everyday things, and I loved
how my two best friends Chloe and Pete made me feel normal just by being them. It's
so weird. I think I've been basking in it all day. The one thing I want more
than anything else in the world is to be normal; to be like everybody else. I
don't want people to look at me. I'm kind of big and awkward looking anyway. I
really hate my body sometimes. It's huge. Big clumsy hands and even bigger
clumsy feet.
I trip over them so many times in one day it isn't even funny anymore. I'm
talking about this now because I almost fell on Chloe in the office. I zigged and
she zagged and before I knew it I was grabbing onto her hips. It was so awkward.
I've never really touched a girl in the way a boyfriend touches a girlfriend. It
was kind of nice. She was really warm and stuff.
I feel kind of dumb talking like this. It's so silly, but I think of her as a
sister and I would never hurt her on purpose. I think I did. She made this
yelping sound and then she flinched. For half an hour she insisted she was fine
but I caught her rubbing her hip where I'd grabbed it. I was so scared that I'd
hurt her. I don't have anybody to talk to about this.
I'm never going to date. I think it's safer if I just keep my hands to myself.
I'm so confused.
~
10:22p - Holy Cow!
I have had the most bizarre day of my entire life.
It started off fine. I got up the nerve to ask my dad if I could join the
football team. He turned me down flat. I almost barfed all over Lana's shoes at
school, (more embarrassment for me). My best friend Pete got to join the team,
so I watched him at practice until I couldn't take it any more.
I walked home and stopped at the bridge. You wouldn't believe what happened
next! One minute I'm staring down at the water and then the next minute I hear
screeching tires. I look up to find a car hurtling at me. It was going really
fast. The guy driving looked terrified. Then Bam! He hit me and we fell into the
water. I was so scared but all I could think about was helping the driver.
I dived down and pulled the hood off. I don't even remember how I did it. I got
us both out onto the shore and gave him mouth to mouth.
Thankfully, I managed to save him before I fainted. I mean, I was just hit by a
car! All I could think was holy cow! How the hell? It was amazing.
Anyway, when I came to the guy, who I'll call Lex from here on, was hovering
over me. The sheriff was already there. How embarrassing is it that I fainted in
front of this guy? He was really nice about it and kept thanking me over and
over. The only thing was, he kept staring at me. I couldn't tell if he was still
wondering if he'd hit me even though I told him I was standing off to the side.
Dad came to get me. He wasn't happy when he showed up. On the way home we didn't
talk at all. He was really mad but I couldn't tell if he was mad at me or if he
was mad at Lex. Although why he would be mad at somebody I saved is beyond me.
I'll never figure out my dad.
It's kind of late now. I haven't really had time to think about what it all
means. I mean I can't be hurt and I saved somebody's life! I think it was the
coolest thing to ever happen to me. I just know things are going to change for
the better from here on out.
I have to go to sleep now. Maybe more later. I have to think about this.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:40p - More weird stuff
So I had another crazy day. I
was robbed twice today.
I had the most important illusion taken away from me. But before I talk about
that...
I had a truck for about two minutes. That guy I saved sent me a truck to pay me
back for saving him. My dad made me give it back. Well, actually he made me
decide, but what else was I supposed to decide when my dad was going on and on
about how evil Lex's father is. I mean, it's not like the son is just like the
dad. Right?
It turned out to be kind of interesting though, so I'm glad my dad made me do
it.
Lex lives in a mansion. He's kind of mocking about it though. It's not really
his choice. His dad sent him to the town. He's supposed to save the plant that
hires most of the people in town. It's kind of freaky. I would be so nervous if
I was responsible for so many people, but Lex handles it so well.
He handles a lot of things so well, as I've come to discover. When I met him for
the first time he was dead, and today when I went to return the truck (which was
a sweet ride btw) he threw a sword at my head. Well, near my head.
I decided after talking to him that if I couldn't keep the truck, I could make a
friend out of him. He said all this stuff about us being friends, and nothing
standing in our way. I'm sure he was talking about my dad.
Anyway so I lost the truck, but gained a friend. I'm really looking forward to
getting to know him. He seems really interesting. I bet he's been all over the
world and done all kinds of stuff.
You're probably wondering what that other thing is that I was talking about.
Well, now I know why I'm not normal. It totally sucks. I will never ever be a
normal person. I can't even think it let alone write it in here. This is
supposed to be where I tell all those things I can't tell anybody else. It's the
biggest secret anybody has ever had to hold. I hate lying but I realize I do it
every single day of my life. Heck, I had to do it after I saved Lex's life. What
was I supposed to say? 'Oh, by the way, I can't be killed'? That goes over well.
I'm not going to dwell, and I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to
concentrate on other things.
Lana actually had a long conversation with me. It was in a cemetery, but at least
she talked to me. It was really nice. She even kissed me on the cheek, which was
even nicer.
I feel kind of lonely tonight. It's weird now that I know that thing about
myself that I didn't know before. It just changes everything. I have to go. This
just totally sucks.
~~~~~~
9:56p - I hate my life
So one of the reasons for
joining the football team was so Pete and I wouldn't be chosen as this year's
scarecrow. Let me just tell you a bit about this little tradition.
Every year a freshman is chosen by the football team. He's taken out to Riley's
Field and strung up on a cross in nothing but his boxers with a red letter "S"
painted on his chest.
Why am I talking about this? Well, this year Whitney, D and R decided it was my
turn to play scarecrow. I was already in a bad mood when I ran into them. Chloe and
Pete had just finished telling me the worst news I'd ever heard, and it all had to
do with me. I destroy everything around me. I've always thought this and now I
know it's true. Everything is my fault. People are suffering because of me.
Normally I could fight them off because I'm so strong, but I couldn't this time.
It was so weird. One minute I was fine and then the next I was as week as a
kitten. It happened right after Whitney put Lana's necklace around my neck. He was mad
at me for talking to his girlfriend. I tried to tell him that we're just
friends, but he wouldn't listen.
They dragged me out and stripped me. God, it was horrible! I was so scared and
it hurt so much. I tried to fight back, I really did, but Whitney wouldn't listen.
Eventually I just gave up, and stopped struggling. It felt like I hung out there
forever. And then this guy, J, came along. He was the scarecrow the year this
really bad thing happened in the town. Anyway, he just left me there.
It felt like I was going to die. I cried for help. I was pretty sure nobody was
going to hear me, but somebody did. Lex found me. I couldn't believe it. He
untied me and the necklace fell off. I was so lucky. I was too shocked to stick
around though. I ran to stop J from hurting my friends.
I stopped him and I got back at the jocks for what they did. I know it was kind
of childish, but I did it anyway. It made me feel a little better.
Anyway, I missed the dance since I was kind of tied up at the time.
~~~~~~~~~
9:34a - sigh
Just when I thought I
couldn't be any more of a freak, something new happens. I had this dream. Anyway
when I woke up I wasn't exactly still on my bed. It's too weird, and I have no
clue how I did it.
Why can't I just be normal like every other kid? It's not fair! I hate it.
At least Lana was in my dream, only she said everything was my fault. Totally not
something she'd ever do in real life but what do I know? She only started paying
attention to me a few days ago, and I really haven't talked to her that often.
Probably won't be after what her boyfriend did to me. I hope she doesn't find
out what happened. That would suck. It kind of hurt that I would dream that.
I heard my parents talking about me again.
More later.
~
6:46p - Well, I had another super fun day.
The first thing I had to deal
with, when I went to farmer's market this morning, was Whitney. As much as I would
love to tell somebody about what he did to me, I'm just too ashamed and
embarrassed. I don't want my parents finding out about it, and I don't want the
whole town to know. It's a small town, and I've already been called enough names
to my face without having more added to the list.
It was kind of annoying to listen to my dad go on and on about how great Whitney is
on the field. If my dad would let me play then maybe he could brag about me, but
no, instead he has to dote on the town star. If I sound bitter, it's because I
am. He has everything I want: a normal life, Lana, and he's star of the football
team.
It sucks to be me.
At least Lana noticed I wasn't at the dance. That's something, isn't it? Who am I
kidding, she's definitely not looking at me *that way*. Triple sigh.
Oh well. I got to see Lex, and that was kind of nice. He noticed me noticing her. I
have a feeling he's the type of guy who pays close attention. I'm going to have
to be extra careful around him.
He really seems to care even though he hardly knows me. I told him I want to
forget the whole scarecrow thing, just pretend as if it didn't happen. I think
he took me seriously. At least I hope he did. I really don't want my mom and dad
finding out about it. That would suck big time.
It's just my luck that on the way home from the market I end up saving Whitney's
life. Yup, the same guy who strung me up in the field. (I can talk about it
here, but I will NOT tell anybody about it. Lex doesn't treat me any
differently but maybe that's because he doesn't really know me yet.)
So, I saved Whitney's ass, (sorry I don't usually swear but I can't help it) and when
we got home my mom was shaking so hard.
I wasn't hurt at all. I also told my dad about what happened this morning. I
could tell he was really freaked out even though he tried to hide it. I mean he
told me we'd figure it out but there isn't really a 'we'. This is happening to
me, and I am so freaked out.
I'm supposed to go over to Lex's mansion soon. He ordered produce from my family
farm. I think it's the perfect chance to get to know him better. I'm looking
forward to that, even though dad cursed (I heard it all the way from my loft
without my special hearing) a huge paragraph when he found out. Maybe Lex can
give me advice about Lana. I'm pretty sure he's touched a girl.
Off to meet Lex. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~
3:31p - another manic day for the freakboy
So lead seems to block the
effects of the stone that's in Lana's necklace.
Lex took the necklace from the field and gave it to me to give to Lana. He says I
should tell her what her boyfriend did to me but that's just not the way I want
to win her. I wouldn't feel right about it.
I was wrong about Lex not telling anybody. He told Lana. I'm kind of disappointed
that he did, but she thought it was a nice thing for a friend to do. She's
probably right. I don't know. It's not like she dumped her boyfriend. In fact,
while I was fighting off this crazy guy he was saving her from the crazy guy's
cocoon. Don't ask.
At least now I know why I always felt queasy around her. Sigh.
Very busy day. Saw a dead body. I wasn't really grossed out since I was too busy
worrying about Lana. Not that it helped.
In the end I just left the necklace on her front porch. I think I'd rather win
her the fair way.
I'm really tired.
~~~~~~~~
10:40p - weird dream
Last night I had a dream. It
wasn't like the other one I had where I was flying. This one was kind of a
nightmare. I was in the cornfield and I couldn't move. When I looked down I saw
that I was back on the cross again. The guys who strung me up were there and
they were just standing there, laughing at me. I didn't tell anybody this at all
(not even Lex) but one of the guys whispered something in my ear when they were
taking off my clothes. He called me a fag.
All I was thinking at the time was how cold it was, and how if I was left there
maybe I'd die. In the dream Whitney told me that this wouldn't be happening if I
hadn't tried to make time with his girlfriend, but the other two laughed and
called me that name again.
After they left me there I had a lot of time to think. In the dream Lex finds me
again but this time he just stands there and looks at me. He said 'you lied to
me' and then he walked away.
I hate lying to everybody around me. I'm not who they think, but it's not
something I can ever tell any of them.
When I woke up the same thing happened again that happened the other night after
my floating dream. The bed was already broken from the first time thought so all
I did was make a loud noise. My mom came running into my room, which kind of
made me mad. She didn't even knock. What if I'd been doing something else? What
if I'd been getting dressed? Are all moms like that?
Anyway I wasn't but I was pretty glad I was lying on my stomach since it would
have been very embarrassing. After I reassured her I was fine, she left me alone
so I could take care of business, if you know what I mean. It was strange
because the last thing I could remember happening in the dream was Lex shaking
his head and just staring at me saying over and over again 'you lied to me'.
He's never said anything like that to me. In fact we haven't talked about the
accident at all since that day. All we talked about was that cool box he gave me
which I have by my bed. I stare at it when I want to think. It's really cool. I
haven't really talked about it here or to my dad. He'd probably make me give it
back. It's supposed be made from the armor of St. George, the patron saint of
boy scouts. Lex seemed pretty skeptical about this. Anyway Lex has this really
cool Trojan War set-up in a room on a big table. It's like one of those
battlefield table thingies. I've never seen anything like it except in a museum.
He was very casual about it. I wanted to ask if he'd play army with me but it
didn't seem like the kind of thing he'd do so I kept my mouth shut. Oh well.
Maybe next time I'll dream we're in a battle fighting as the good guys side by
side. That would be cool; me and Lex as knights.
That would really be cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:37p - Mad again but happy too
Okay so I snuck away today to
hang out with Lex. My dad was really mad the last time I went over to make the
delivery since I stayed for an hour. He told me I shouldn't waste Lex's time,
and that he's too old for me to hang out with.
I've never done this before. I just ignored my dad. I don't know why. Last time
I saw Lex he seemed kind of lonely. Maybe lonely isn't the right word. It seemed
like he wanted me to stay longer. He was so nice. We sat and talked about all
kinds of things like history and war and he promised to teach me how to play
pool, You know that one with a table and balls and a stick. He has a pool table
in his office! It's so cool. It's kind of unique just like him.
We sat and had lunch today. It's Sunday and I really didn't have anything else
to do after getting my chores done so I stayed pretty long. A few hours at
least. He told me about how his dad taught him to play chess but got too
frustrated since Lex kept beating his dad at it. I laughed so hard I sprayed
milk all over the place. It was so embarrassing. He just took it in stride, and
rubbed my back until I stopped choking.
He's so considerate.
Anyway so I went home all happy and when dad asked me where I was I couldn't
lie. I told him. He got this look on his face like he was going to explode but
he just calmly told me to stop bothering Lex so much.
Later when I was in my room thinking about everything we'd done I overheard dad
and mom talking about me. He actually told my mom to go over to Lex's and ask
him to stop allowing me to come over so much. Why would he do that? I just don't
understand my dad. It's like he thinks Lex is going to hurt me or something.
I know Lex would never hurt me. I made him laugh and he smiled a lot. It was
great.
I also got up the nerve to ask Lex about girl stuff. It was pretty embarrassing
but he was really cool about it. He answered all my questions. I thought about
asking about the dream, but I chickened out. Oh well, I'm sure the dreams will
go away.
I'm going to finish my homework. I was supposed to write a paper today but
instead I was playing hooky. It was fun. :)
Oh by the way, my mom told my dad to leave me alone.
~~~~~~
6:24p - Lana and other things
I haven't really talked much
about Lana here, which kind of surprises me since I've been in love with her
forever. I guess it's because of all the stuff that's been happening in my life
lately. I mean what I found out about myself after the car accident was pretty
startling to say the least.
She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She has gorgeous long dark hair
and these wonderful expressive dark eyes. When they look at you, it's like the
whole world disappears. I always get butterflies when I go near her or when I
see her.
Sometimes, at night, I watch her through my telescope. I've never told anybody
this. She's so strong too. A lot of people think she isn't because of what she
went through, but I think they totally underestimate her. I know she's stronger
than anybody gives her credit for.
I spend most of my high school career watching her from
afar, but now she's talking to me and she wants to be near me. It's funny but I
haven't noticed her wearing her necklace since I gave it back. I wonder why?
Anyway, I have a lot of work to do tonight. I have to rebuild the fence in the
far pasture. My dad is too busy to help so I'll be alone which is fine since I
love doing these things alone. I work much faster that way anyway. Should I talk
about how you build a fence here? Probably not. If anybody ever wants to know, I
know how. :)
So I was hanging with my best friends Pete and Chloe at the office of the school
paper and I casually asked if she'd gone and looked at this. I know she promised
not to but it couldn't hurt to ask. Apparently it did hurt. She acted all angry
and evasive. Not quite like I'd hurt her feelings but kind of guilty.
I have to go. Dad's yelling for me. Bye.
~~~~~~
10:18a -
So, I finished the fence early, and snuck over to Lex's place again. He wasn't
home so I hung out in his Trojan room. It was so much fun. I like being alone
sometimes. It gives me time to think. I have to admit, and I would never tell
any of my friends this (especially not Lex), that I really like being at the
mansion. It's quiet.
The only thing that happened was one of his staff caught me when she came in to
dust. Mrs. P was cool about it. She promised not to tell Lex that I was there.
She also had the cook bring me a snack. I felt guilty taking advantage of Lex's
staff, but I was so hungry.
In other news I had that dream again last night. It wasn't exactly the same.
This time Lex left me on the cross and told me 'liars don't deserve to be
saved'. I hate that. I feel guilty enough about lying to everybody without
having to dream it. I wish I could tell my best friend PR but I'm so afraid of a
lot of things.
Things like - would he still be my friend? Would he tell everybody about me? The
worst fear is that he'd never talk to me again. It's weird that of all people to
have called me a liar in my dreams it would be Lex. I hardly know him and he has
not once called me on the story I told him about the accident. He watches me
very carefully though, and sometimes when I look over at him he's staring at me.
Usually he smiles, which is nice. I guess maybe I just feel guilty about lying
at all. See I don't know why that is. I know it's safer for everybody if they
don't know the truth about how much of a freak I am. I'm not even one of them.
I have to go now.
~~~~~~
4:50p - When the cat's away
I'm doing this from the
school newspaper office. I stayed to do a few things for Chloe while she's gone.
She's away which means I can't talk to her to apologize about the other day. She
told me she wouldn't look at my journal, so I should have just believed her. I feel
awful. I feel like a total heel.
In other news Pete has a new girlfriend. oh, sorry, friend who is a girl, which
means I see less of him. Although lately I've been busy, and he's been sort of
preoccupied.
I think I'm going see if he'd like to come by to shoot some hoops. That would be
cool. He should be here soon.
Well, he's going out with his new main squeeze. Oh well. I guess I'll just
finish up here and run home.
Dad is mad at me again. This is going to seem really weird but I was watching
the mansion late last night.
I'm not sure why. I found this really nice spot, and it just happens to be
within eye-shot of the mansion. I like to go there to think and be alone. I've
been thinking a lot about Lex and some of the things he's said, and what some of
you have said. I really want to trust him. I do.
So last night Lex had a guest. It might be his girlfriend. He's never mentioned
one but it's not like he'd talk to a kid about that. She was dressed really nice
and arrived in a limo.
I was kind of curious about what Lex would do on a date. You know how he'd talk
etc. I figured I could get some tips from listening in. Boy do I wish I hadn't.
What I heard ... I'm pretty sure I'm too young to hear that kind of talk. You
know the kind. Naked talk.
Anyway, she stayed for two hours and fourteen minutes. I didn't see Lex at all,
but she left in a limo. Maybe she was just visiting.
Oh well, I got to go home now. Mom's waiting for me to help with the pies. MMMMMM
pie.
~~~~~~~
5:42p - And then she....
… talked to me.
Lana talked to me today in the hall at school. It was kind of weird and really
unexpected, but really nice. I didn't trip or fall on my face. She was really
nice. Her eyes were all sparkly, but she seemed kind of tense. I guess it was
because of what Whitney did to me. I just told her to forget it. She changed the
subject right away.
We talked for a few minutes about stuff until Whitney showed up. Lana seemed really
apologetic about it. She looked up at me with these really sorry eyes. I wanted
to hold her so badly. She looked so beautiful, and soft. Whitney acted all hostile
and made a crack about me horning in on his girl. I wanted to punch him so badly. I
think Lana saw that because she pulled him away, and said they needed to go.
At least she talked to me and it was nice. I'm so glad we're becoming friends.
It's nice. I think I'm starting to like her even more as I get to know her.
Got to go to do some chores.
~
6:09p - Oh man
Yesterday I saw Lex at the
coffee shop. After some of the comments you all made about my last post, I think
maybe I know what you were getting at though I'm not sure I believe it! I can't
believe that Lex would want or need that sort of thing.
Even so, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I was so embarrassed. I tried to
get away as fast as I could, but he wanted to talk so I stood there like an
idiot, and every time I tried to look into his eyes all I could think about was
the sounds I'd heard that night. . .
I am NEVER spying on him again.
I have to go now. I need to burn off some energy. Maybe running around the
county a few hundred times will do that.
~~~~~~~~~
10:56a - Hmmm
So I tried to call Chloe at her
cousin's place but whoever answered said she was unavailable. She was really
rude and hung up before I could leave a message.
I also tried to call Lana and her aunt told me she couldn't talk. I wonder if
maybe Lana just told her aunt to say that because she didn't want to talk to me.
Last night when I went for a run I saw Lana on her horse. I followed her for a few
minutes to make sure she was okay. She seemed fine. There was no Whitney around. I
wonder if they had a fight.
Maybe I should go check on her. I think she's in class now. I'm kind of hiding
in the newsroom. I have to go soon.
I think I'll just wait by my locker and see if she shows up. If I'm lucky her
boyfriend won't be around.
~~~~~~
10:29p - pool at Lex's
I did it. I went over to see Lex after I finished the deliveries. I wasn't
bugging him like my dad keeps saying. I didn't even interrupt anything.
We talked. I asked him about girls and kissing. I wanted to ask about that lady
from the other night, but I just didn't feel like it was my business. I did find
out he doesn't have a girlfriend. He seemed kind of sad or something. This is
going to sound really weird, but I kind of wanted to hold him; make him feel
better, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have gone for that. He really looks like
he could use a hug from a friend. I'm so glad I met him. He's really cool.
He told me he's had his share of girlfriends, so he could help me out with
dating advice whenever I need it. With Lana I mean. He also told me that it was
hard for him to find the right woman since most of them only want him for his
money. I couldn't care less about that. I mean it's nice that he has all this
stuff but it's only stuff. I'd still like him even if he didn't drive a Porsche
or six.
At one point he choked on something so I had to pat him on the back. This is
what I mean when I say that I'm a freak. Most people don't have to be very
careful when they do something so simple, but I have to be aware 100 per cent of
the time what I am doing. One wrong move and I could have bruised his back.
He fed me and showed me how to play pool. I really suck at it, but I had a lot
of fun. He also told me I could come over anytime I liked.
Anyway, I was really embarrassed when I told him that I'd only kissed one girl
ever and only one time. He said things that kind of surprised me. I mean why
would anybody want to go out with a big freak like me.
I want to go over again next week or maybe in a few days. I have to confess
something and it's going to sound kind of mean. I couldn't help it. When ever he
turned his back to me I couldn't help but stare at his head. You might think
it's a weird thing to do but you see Lex is bald. He's only 21 and it isn't that
he chose to be bald. I wanted to ask how it happened, but I couldn't find the
right time. It looks good on him, and he has this bump on the back of his head
right at the base of his skull.
I do that a lot; stare at people. I wonder how it is that I look so much like
everybody else. You would never know that I was a freak just by looking at me.
In other news Lana and I are going to do our math homework together. I'm really
excited about it. I think my mom will let us do it in my loft. She should be
fine with that I hope. Lana and I talked in the hall for a few uninterrupted
minutes. We were standing really close together so nobody else could hear what
we were saying. Not that it was anything private, but you know.
She smelled so good. God I have to admit I was really excited to be near her.
She smiles like I imagine an angel would smile. And she was wearing this nice
sweater. It was really pretty. Hey, I'm a guy I notice these things.
Got to go. I have to get up early tomorrow to do chores. Bye.
~~~~~~~
1:14a - more Lana and bad dreams
I just woke up from another
bad dream.
This one was really weird, but before I talk about the dream. . .
Lana came by tonight. She stayed for a while and we talked about so many things.
She's really smart, and has so much to say about everything. She's on the
cheerleading squad at school. She told me about how her mother was a cheerleader
too. I mostly just listened. I really don't have a very exciting life. I told
her about the farm and some stories about how I had to chase the cows one night
when they escaped.
Anyway, she smelled like jasmine and wore the nicest pink top and blue jeans.
She looked very nice. I kept wishing I could lean in and kiss her. I have to
admit I was staring at her a lot. I mean she is so pretty, and she was wearing
her hair down tonight. I think I smiled a lot too. I hope she didn't think I'm a
freak or anything.
My mom interrupted us, and told me to get to bed. So Lana had to leave. I had such
a great time. She thanked me, and put her hand on my arm. I watched until she
was out of sight. My mom gave me this funny look. After, when I was alone in bed
I thought about Lana and everything she'd said and done. It was a very exciting
night.
My mom caught me typing in my journal. I think I hid it but I'm not sure. She might
have seen something before I had a chance to shut down the monitor. She didn't
ask me about it.
I had the nightmare again about being up on the cross. I was wearing the
necklace and this time when Lex came to rescue me, I fell into his arms. Then
suddenly we were in his mansion and I was hugging him.
I have to go take care of some stuff.
~~~~~
12:18a - Another game of pool
I'm finally home and getting ready for bed but I had to get some things off my
chest.
I had to go back and friends lock some of my earlier posts for certain reasons.
I went to see Lex today and while we were talking in front of his house, a
photographer took our picture. I couldn't believe it. Here we were having a
private moment, it was really nice and relaxed, and this guy jumps out of
nowhere. It was really annoying. Lex got so mad; he smashed the guy's camera and
chased him off.
You might be able to tell by this who I am talking about. Please don't say
anything if that is the case. He has lived in the spotlight his whole life and I
would hate to be the reason he's in the newspapers again.
Anyway after the guy ran off, (Lex threatened him), we went inside. We talked
about how little privacy he has in his life and I immediately thought of my
journal,
and how much I write about him on here. I don't want to get him in trouble. He's a
really nice guy and I really like him. I think it bothered him way more than he
would admit it. I almost hugged him. I wanted to so badly, but he was really
stiff and had this personal space thing going. I didn't want to step into it,
and ruin the moment.
We played pool again. I did better this time. He won which is fine. I told him
about my dreams sort of. He was really cool about it and everything. It was way
harder than I thought it would be. I tried to tell him about how he fit into the
dreams. I just ended up saying that nobody saved me. That I was left out there.
He was really concerned. I'm glad this is friends only because I have to confess
something. The dreams have kind of turned weird. I wake up each time a little
excited. That's never happened to me before.
When I was over at Lex's place he touched my leg to comfort me only it had
another effect, it made me kind of excited. I was so embarrassed. I'm pretty
sure he didn't notice, but I had to leave right after. I made up a stupid excuse
about my dad needing the truck and ran. I felt bad because he looked really
concerned.
When I got home I stayed in my loft for a couple of hours. My mom and dad were
out so I took care of myself there. I don't know what to think. Why is my body
reacting like this? Why am I feeling this? It's not fair. Lex is counting on me
to be his friend, and I'm having those kinds of dreams about him. I need to stop
this now.
I have to go to sleep now. I hope I don't have the dream again.
~
10:32a - This is only for me
Even though only I can read this, I've never written it down before. its going
to look weird.
I'm an alien!
And I think I might like Lex 'that way.'
Plus I floated again this morning. I dreamed that I was in the field and Lex
came to save me. He untied me, except when I fell to the ground the necklace
stayed on. I tried to tell him to get it off, but he didn't understand me.
The meteor rocks hurt me. Pretty ironic. They came with me and it's all my fault
that everybody is getting hurt by them.
Sometimes I really hate my life.
There, I got it off my chest but it didn't seem to help.
Off to forget again.
~
8:25p - Oh
A very boring day at school.
I rushed home so I wouldn't have to see or talk to anybody.
Now I'm sitting in my room waiting for the day to end, and checking out some of
my friends on LJ. There are some really nice people out there. My connection is
so slow right now and every time I try to reply to one of the comments you left,
it screws up.
Pete was too busy with the football team to hang today. Oh well. So was Lana. She's
on the cheerleading squad. I might have already mentioned that. I haven't seen
Lex since the other night. I'm not holding off, I just need time to think about
what's been happening. I need space.
I wish I could call him.
~~~~~~
11:53p - Made the team
She's barely back one day,
and already everybody wants to hurt her.
Chloe is back. I thought it would be uncomfortable but we both just acted like
nothing had happened. I gave her a great big hug, and after that it was smooth
sailing. What got her on every jock's most wanted list was an article she wrote
for the school paper. I have no idea how she managed it, but she got it to press
this morning. She even laughed about getting hate mail. Can you believe that!
She totally freaks me out sometimes. I swear I have to keep an eye on her every
second I'm at school. Who else would do it?
She calls all the football players jock-straps which I think is totally
hilarious. Pete doesn't share my sense of humor. It's just a harmless name. I just
ignore it. Plus, hey, called worse names in my time.
I did it. I joined the football team. My dad is totally pissed. He ordered me to
quit, but I defied him.
I was scared at first, but he made me so mad. He doesn't trust me at all. It
hurts to know that. My mom stayed out of it. She's smart. My dad is so stubborn.
I don't care. I defied him. I had to. He's never going to give me the chance to
prove myself. And how am I supposed to prove myself if he never gives me the
chance.
I played my first game today at practice. It was amazing. I loved it. I'm
playing the tailback position, (Just like my dad did).
Lana wasn't there.
My dad showed up, but only to make sure I didn't hurt anybody. I thought I did
pretty good, but dad didn't seem to care. He left before practice ended. I was
pretty disappointed. Why does he have to do that? He makes me feel like a little
kid again.
After practice I saved the principal's life. He was trapped in a burning car. I
didn't get hurt at all, and the principal is going to be okay, but when I got
home my dad freaked. I was totally careful and all he could do was be suspicious
that I screwed up somehow.
I really love my dad but sometimes he just makes me so sad. The way he's always acting like I don't know what I'm doing. It's my body! I
know how to control my abilities! He has no idea what it takes. So much of it is just subconscious. Isn't it that way for everybody? I mean
we all have to be careful when we hold delicate things. I guess for me the difference is, in my case, everything is
fragile. Sigh.
I'm pretty tired actually. I loved being out there on the field. It was
this amazing rush. I just wish my dad hadn't left before the game was over.
It doesn't matter. What ever I say, he's never going to trust me. He's always
going to use the same excuses. I'm so sick of them. All my life it's all I've
ever had to do. I was never allowed to play with other kids. PR is the only
friend I have for a reason. When I was growing up I never went to birthday
parties except his. I didn't even have my own birthday parties. Not that we even
know when my birthday is anyway.
Sorry, I sound really whiny. I'm just really upset. On top of all this Lex is
too busy being businessy to see me. Not that I didn't expect that. I mean he is
a grown-up.
I had coffee with Pete, and Chloe, and Lana was there as a waitress. I was so shocked.
I couldn't believe it! She quit the cheerleading squad. She loves cheerleading.
Now I won't get to see her at the games. That was one of the reasons I wanted to
play. Okay, I know, but I can't help it. I was hoping for more time around her.
Whitney, who is now my team mate, didn't saying anything at all to me about it.
CS took off just as we were sitting down for a cup of coffee. I probably should
have followed her. She has this knack for getting into trouble, but I wanted to
stay, and be near Lana. Plus I was hoping Lex would make an appearance. I kind of
miss him. After all the great advice I was given by the people on my friends
list, I know I'm ready to face him without embarrassing myself. Oh well, maybe
I'll see him tomorrow. Maybe I should call him again, tell him about the
football stuff. He might not understand. After all, I'm playing with the guys
who turned me into this year's scarecrow.
~~~~~
9:17p - Another freak day for the freak boy
Sometimes I just want a
normal day. I was all set to go out to the pep rally for the big game. I had
this great talk with my mom just before I left. I think she's on my side about
this whole thing, unlike my dad, who's still not talking to me.
The school news office was set on fire, and Chloe thinks the coach somehow
controlled the flames. She gets some pretty crazy ideas sometimes, but I think
she might be right. She told me the flames followed her. I was pretty freaked
out when I saw that she was trapped in the office and it was on fire. When I got
there to help her, the flames had died down.
If anything had happened to her, I don't know what I would have done. I was mad.
Unfortunately, the office is a total wash. She was upset. She didn't even care
that her life was in danger; all she cared about was the office.
After that, I stopped by the coffee shop to see if Lana was working; she was. She
looked pretty, and very determined. Lex was there too. We sat and talked. Lana got
his drink completely wrong, but Lex was cool about it. It was some kind of
whipped cream thing. When he drank it, he got some on his nose and lips. It was
cute.
Lana was too busy to talk so I sat with Lex for a while, and drank my coffee while
he sorted through some paperwork. His dad is making him fire a bunch of people,
but Lex said he'll try to stop that. He's so good for this town. I mean, if he
weren't here, whomever his dad put in charge would have just fired those workers
without a second thought. Lex said my rebellion against my father, and LL's own
rebellion against her aunt inspired him. I think that is so cool.
We sat for a while. He seemed okay with me just quietly watching him. It was
nice. After he packed up, he offered me a ride home. I could have gotten home on
my own, but this way was much cooler. He was driving the Ferrari today. I love
his cars.
It was a quiet ride. He didn't say anything at all. I wasn't really expecting
much, but he seemed preoccupied and kind of sad. He seemed pretty tired too. I'm
worried, since he hardly ever seems so out of it.
At first I figured he was thinking a mile a second, about how to save those
jobs. He's the kind of person that looks like he's always thinking. I really
like that. But I think maybe there was something else going on. Like something
more was bothering him. He just seemed so down.
When he dropped me off he just smiled and said see you. I know he saw his dad
today. I think he might be a lot more upset than he was letting on. It's late,
but I'm going over anyway. I'll think of a good excuse. I need the truck or it
might look funny that I showed up without it.
~
11:35p - friendship
I'm back from seeing Lex. He was in bad shape. He was drinking and alone. I
didn't lecture him or anything. After all, I have no idea what it's like to be
him. I have a clue that his life is rough. I just wish I could do something for
him. In the mean time, I've decided I'm going to be there for him whenever he
needs me.
I was still scared but he looked so sad, and so I finally did it, I hugged him.
He didn't really hug back, but he didn't push me away. He told me I would never
understand. He's probably right. I'm just a kid and my dad has always been there
for me. Lex's dad seems to take pleasure out of riding him.
I just sat and listened. He's really a strong person. I can't imagine having to
go through all the things he goes through, and still be able to stand tall.
After that, we just talked quietly about silly stuff; things to take his mind
off work, and his father. I held his hand, and I hugged him again. He was much
more receptive the second time. I just wish my body had behaved. One word of
thanks whispered in my ear, and it was responding to him.
It was nice, and he didn't seem to notice anything strange, not that I pressed
up against him or anything. I was just afraid he'd say something.
I'm tired, and I promised Chloe I would go talk to one of the football players
before the big game. She claims he's willing to tell the truth about the
football cheating scandal.
Night.
~
11:37p - More for just me
The freak that is Clark Kent
1. strong enough to lift a truck
2. faster than a speeding train
3. able to survive a head-on crash
4. probably gay
I wanted to kiss him. I can say it here where nobody else can see but me. He
looked so sad. I think, no I'm pretty sure I have a crush on him. A guy that my
father hates. I want to do things like hold him, and keep him safe. He's so
fragile. Emotionally and physically.
The wonder that is Lex Luthor
1. gorgeous
2. compassionate
3. understanding
4. probably not gay
I can't ever tell anybody. His friendship means so much to me. Even though we
haven't known each other for long, I have a feeling it's going to be the most
important friendship of my life.
I wish I could tell him about the alien thing.
~~~~
9:22p
- Fire tickles
Well, the last game is over and I didn't even get to play. In fact the coach is
dead. Chloe was right. He was controlling fire. I went to talk to that guy; the one
Chloe said would talk. Well, he talked. He told me about the coach and how he can
do things with fire.
I couldn't really tell anybody. I mean what was I supposed to say; Excuse me
sir, but the coach of our football team is a fire starter thanks to the meteor
rocks that followed me here? Nobody would believe it. So yet again I hurt
somebody.
Deleterious - that is what the meteor rocks are.
After my dad saved me and I watched the coach kill himself. Not really a normal
teen life right. I was pretty mad at the time. I mean the guy left me for dead
just so he could win a football game. I've decided that football just isn't for
me. I won't be asking dad if I can try out next year. Dad and I talked and
things are much better. We were both being stubborn.
After the game I went out to the field and found Lana. She was fired from her job,
but she wasn't really too upset about it. She's a lot stronger than people give
her credit for. We stood in the middle of the field and just screamed. I never
would have done something like that before I met her.
We drove home together and talked about things. She wants to get to know my
friends, which is really cool. She saw me last night when I went to visit Lex,
and asked about it. I felt sort of weird about that. My first instinct was to
lie to her so I did. I couldn't help it. It's like the lying is a built in
defense thing for me.
Who knows, maybe for my kind it is.
I have to go to bed. I have this really bad headache, which is weird because I
never get headaches.
~~~~~~
12:08a - Lex has a clone!
Lex pushed me through a
window today! I was in town to get something for my mom, and he ran into me. I
was so startled to see him. He pushed me into the sunglasses store. I couldn't
believe how strong he was. I don't think it was him though. It just makes no
sense because the police told me he robbed the bank, and then ran. See he would
never do that. Something really strange happened to me too. I can't even say it.
I didn't tell my mom and dad.
God, I am such a freak! I hate this.
I spent the morning doing chores. Dad and I fixed the tractor again. Sigh. That
thing has broken down so many times this month, I think I might just toss it
into the next county, and say it was stolen so dad will go out and buy a new
one.
This afternoon (after the window crashing incident) I hung out with Pete. He
hadn't been over in a while so we shot some hoops, and talked about the coach. I
didn't tell him everything that happened. I told him that the coach had gone
insane and was so bent on winning that he tried to kill me, which was true. I
just confirmed what Chloe had already told us about the fires. I have no idea why
the coach killed himself like that. Maybe he wasn't trying to kill himself. I
will never understand people that want to harm others.
Pete stayed for dinner. It was great having him over. We watched an hour of TV
after dinner. Pete the big suck-up got my mom to break out some of her amazing
apple pie. Not that I'm complaining, I love apple pie. It was so good.
I had to call it a night because I got another head ache. I kind of know why
they're happening. I feel fine now, but just a few minutes ago my head really
hurt. My eyes ache. I know that sounds weird, but I have never really felt pain
before. I think I'm going to go to bed early. Maybe I'll feel better in the
morning.
I was going to call Lex to see if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but I am
feeling so crappy. Oh.
There it goes again. My computer is so dusty! Wow, this is so cool. It's
gone again. Oh well. Maybe being a freak isn't so bad after all.
Night.
~~~~~~~~~~
12:29a - it's not him and other Lex things
First thing this morning, Lex stopped by. He came to ask about what I saw. It
turns out he was out of town when his look alike was robbing the bank. I was so
relieved. I even joked about it with him. He was really very nice about it. He
even apologized for me being thrown through the window even though he didn't
have anything to do with it. I thought that was pretty nice, but dad just walked
away. It kind of made me a little mad that he treated Lex that way. I asked Lex
if it would be okay if I stopped by later for a game of pool. He said yes. After
he left mom gave me this weird look. I hope she doesn't pick up on anything.
Lana called later on around five. She asked if everything was okay and if it was
true about Lex. I told her I never once thought he would do that. It was so nice
to hear that she agreed with me. She seems to be warming up to the idea that Lex
is a nice guy. That made me so happy.
I didn't do much except boring farm stuff, so I won't talk about that. Since it
is a friends locked post. I want to talk about my visit with Lex.
I went over around seven. I was hoping for earlier but dad kept coming up with
something new for me to do whenever I tried to leave. When I finally escaped,
thanks to my mom, I got there at around seven fifteen. Lex was just hanging out.
He seemed pretty tired but he didn't ask me to leave or anything, so we settled
into one of the many rooms at the mansion. We talked for a bit. I think I was
pretty boring but he listened very intently. Like he really cared what I had to
say.
Anyway, he suggested we watch Spiderman instead of playing pool, but I'd already
seen it. Besides I wanted to take advantage of the fact that mom and dad weren't
there. So I asked if he had the Sopranos. He did. We settled in with some milk
and pie. It was really good pie. I made a total pig of myself. Lex barely
touched his piece, and in the meantime I ate a whole pie!
The show is really good. Chloe would always tell me about how good the writing
was, but I had no idea it was this good. I have no idea what mom and dad don't
like about it. Oh well, I got to watch the first two episodes. Except I missed
the second half of episode two. Lex fell asleep. I'm not sure when, but he
passed out right there on the sofa beside me. I let him be since he was so tired
from all the fake Lex bank robbery excitement. It was probably stressful.
Lex looks so beautiful asleep (this is where the friends post part comes in) I
couldn't help myself. I hardly ever see him relax so I watched him sleep. I even
touched him. He's so soft. I think maybe he has no hair anywhere; although he
has eyebrows and eyelashes. I looked really close to see if they were real.
Okay, I was curious I just thought it was strange that he had them and not other
hair. I couldn't see any hair on his arm, or the back of his neck.
I hope nobody thinks I'm some kind of creep for doing this. If you had seen him
asleep. He looked so amazing.
I touched his head. Not that one. I also touched this scar he has on his top
lip. I don't have any scars so I was really curious about what it felt like. I
want to ask him about it, but I think I might wait until we've known each other
better. I tried to guess how he got it, and the only thing I could come up with
is that it had something to do with his dad.
Although that weird thing I talked about before happened again. And I almost got
an eyeful of a very bare version of him. I really would rather discover that in
the old fashioned way.
After the show finished I woke him. He was pretty upset that he'd fallen asleep
on me but I really didn't mind. I didn't tell him what I did while he was
asleep.
I'm in my room now after taking care of some stuff. I have the sleeping image of
him etched in my brain. I know it will be what I think about tonight as I go to
sleep. Although, really I haven't stopped thinking about it.
I am so screwed.
~
3:26p
- It just never gets easier
I'm home from school early today because It happened again. In gym class
while I was climbing the rope of torture, It kicked in and I saw more of
Pete than I ever wanted to. Now I know how gross we are under all that skin.
Muscles and stuff are not pretty to look at. I freaked to say the least.
Since I fell off the rope, they sent me home early, so now I'm up in my room.
When I told my mom and dad they weren't very helpful. I mean, it's not like I
came with a manual. 'At this age his special vision will kick in' etc.
My mom needs to go into town so I'm going with her. I couldn't go anywhere near
Lana today. She was wearing the necklace. I also heard a rumor going around that
she and Whitney did it. I just don't believe it at all. She's not the type to do
that.
Got to go. More later.
~
3:50p
- X-ray vision
I wanted to make a post that only I can see.
I have x-ray vision now on top of everything else.
It's not just x-ray vision. I can see through walls and stuff. I can't control
it, but dad thinks I should be able to learn how to in time. I hope so. It's
really annoying when it just suddenly kicks in.
~
9:44p - My clone tried to run over my mom or what B movie did you star in
That sounds like the name of
a really bad movie doesn't it? It's true. It really happened.
When I went into town with my mom she went to pick something up at the antique
store. I saw Tina, this girl from school, go into the store. Her mom runs it.
That thing happened again, and I saw something really strange. I don't know what
to think about it, but I think something is going on. I'm not sure what. I have
to look into it more.
Mom claims I tried to run her over with our truck. She swore it was me!
After we got home (Don't ask how.) I went out to do the deliveries after we got
the truck back. Who ever borrowed it, just abandoned it.
Lex was home when I got there. (His Monday produce consisted of apples and corn
on the cob) I made sure he was my last stop. He invited me to hang out, and
shoot some pool. I had a great time. He was in a much better mood this time. He
seemed really happy. When I asked why, he told me he had just bought a new car.
He showed it to me. It was a red Ferrari! The nicest car ever. He took me for a
drive with the top down. I wanted to ask if I could drive it, but I am only
fifteen. Oh, what a sweet ride!
At first he went the speed limit, but then I asked him to go faster. When we
got back to the mansion the butler guy told me my mom had called. She was so mad
when I called back, so I had to rush off. Even though I had to run off, Lex still
looked happy. I'm so glad I could cheer him up.
However, I am now grounded. Can you believe that? My dad was pissed because I
still had chores to do, and he needed the truck. I guess I should have called.
I'm not allowed to go out for three days except to school, and to do deliveries.
Then after that, I can only hang out with my friends to do homework.
Three days isn't too bad. I talked them down from a week. I so was not going to
be grounded for a week! I'm fifteen! My mom didn't even stand up
for me like she usually does.
I wanted to call Lex to tell him about that, but my mom won't even let me use
the phone. Sheesh, why is it that moms can always make you feel like a little
kid?
I'll call him from school tomorrow. Homework now.
~~~~~
10:28p - Not much of a day
So after all the excitement
of the other day I finally get a nice calm day. Not much happened. Since I'm
grounded I can't go anywhere. I'm in my room now waiting for mom and dad to go
to sleep. They're finally in bed. I offered to wash the dishes so they could be
together. (Since my mom was almost run over they've been kind of mushy - yuck! -
can't go there)
I want to call Lex to tell him about being grounded. I'm just afraid it'll
remind him that I'm just a kid. I mean, who gets grounded at fifteen? Do any of
you have this problem?
I tried the wounded look, but I'm pretty sure mom is immune to it. Dad just
gives me this look that says 'try it on somebody else.'
I'm really bored, and restless. Hold on.
I think they're asleep. I'm going for a run. See you guys later.
~~~~~~~~~~~
12:48a - Back
This is so not a good sign. I just went for a run, and kind of ended up at Lex's
place. He was up doing work. I sneaked into the Troy room, and got caught by
Lex. I guess I should never be a cat burglar, although the x-ray vision would
come in handy.
Lex was really nice about it. I felt bad since he was so relaxed and casual.
I've never seen him as relaxed as that. His shirt was open and he was wearing
socks. pants too.
I tried to x-ray to see through the socks. Just to practice of course. Anyway,
he offered me a snack, and we went to the kitchen. He looked so beautiful in the
moonlight. It sounds dumb to say that about a guy, but I can't help it.
Since this is very private and nobody but me will see it, I will admit it. He
made me very excited. In fact I am getting excited thinking about how excited I
was back at the mansion. I had to excuse myself to take care of it in his
bathroom. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. My mom and dad would be so
disappointed.
He smelled so good. He smelled amazing. He smelled sexy. I am turning red just
typing this. I'm pretty sure Lex was as excited as I was. Although I guess I
shouldn't just assume it was me that made him that way. But if it was, that
means he likes me like that! I have no idea what to do about it. Should I talk
to him about it? Or maybe I should wait until he says something. He did reach
out and touched me. It was on the elbow. I thought I saw something in his eyes.
This is moving way too fast for me. I have to slow down. God I can't be
attracted to my best friend! I just can't! At least I won't be able to go over
there for the next few days. Maybe I'll tell dad to do the deliveries tomorrow.
I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I could use the time to distance myself from the
situation.
I could talk to mom. I think she likes him. I know she's more willing to accept
him than dad is.
I never did get that snack.
I am so fucked.
~
8:19a - on parents and other things I ponder
So early morning and I am way
more coherent now. I went for a run and ended up at the mansion. I can admit to
myself that it's where I wanted to be. I watched Lex for a few minute. He looked
like he was working really hard. Probably on something that will help the town.
I get pretty fed up with hearing my dad slam him so now I just tune him out.
Every time I mention Lex, dad either grunts or says something nasty.
Which is really unfair since my dad taught me all my life not to judge and here
he is, judging Lex based solely on his last name. Isn't that hypocrisy?
Mom and dad were still asleep when I got home. I really didn't care if they were
or not. I shouldn't have been grounded in the first place as far as I'm
concerned. I have to get ready for school now. I'm really in a cranky mood this
morning. I think Tina is turning into other people and doing things. That might
explain everything that's been going on.
If you think that sounds crazy, you never lived in my town. This stuff happens
all the time. Trust me. I'm going to check her out today. Watch her to see if
she does anything weird. After my mom told me she found money with a bank band
wrapped around it at the antique shop, I'm more sure now that something is going
on with Tina.
Mom's calling me. She's always yelling that I'm going to be late. Like that
would ever happen. Later.
~
11:21p - holy clone batman
What the hell is going on!
I had the worst experience ever tonight. Lana came by. Only it wasn't her. I
thought for sure it was. It looked exactly like her, and acted exactly like her.
It's been another crap day. I had to call the police, and tell them that I saw
the money from the bank robbery in Tina's locker at school. (Which isn't
the crap part since this totally gets Lex off the hook) It turns out she really
can shape shift! So when she, as Lana, stopped by, she hit on me, and told me she
had her eye on me. I was pretty confused since Lana is still dating Whitney. (And I've wanted to hear these words from her for so long)
She kissed me. I tried to stop her. I would never want any guy to kiss my
girl. When I pulled away it was Tina.
My second ever kiss and it turns out to be a psycho bank robbing (as Lex) girl.
My life just sucks. On top of that it's all my fault!
I hate my life!
I could only see Lex for a few minutes today. It was a nice few minutes, but it
totally sucked that I had to leave right away. My mom even reminded me. She was
pretty adamant that I get home right after. I had the feeling she was talking
specifically about Lex.
I have math and English homework to do. Plus I wanted to finish reading that
Nietzsche book I started yesterday. I'm actually kind of tired tonight.
~~~~~
11:15p - parents
School sucked. They still
haven't found Tina, and on top of that Lana was totally unapproachable today. That
is, until she came over tonight. She just left. She said she was out for a jog,
and happened to be near our place.
I was pretty surprised. She talked to me about something so personal. Her
parents died when she was three, and she watched it happen. It's hard for me to
even write it here since it hurts so much.
She talked about her mom, and how she found her diary. I was happy for her, but
after she left, and I came inside I started to think about my mom. I'm adopted.
I've known this all my life, and every single day of my life my mom and dad
have told me that I am the best thing that ever happened to them. I love them,
but now that I know the truth (and it's a truth I still haven't come to grips
with) it's hard not to think about who my real parents are, and where they are
now. Why did they let me go? What did they look like?
I went to look at IT. I stared at it for so long. I held the tablet my dad gave
me. It's so freaky looking at these things that came from my real parents. I'm
sure they had a good reason for leaving me in that field where my mom and dad
found me. I just wish I knew what it was. I know I'll never find out.
I wish I could go over and talk to Lex about this. I need somebody right now,
and mom and dad won't cut it this time. But I can't. I have to lie to him about
these things. I wish I could tell him the whole truth. I'm just so afraid. I
just couldn't take the fear in his eyes when he hears what I really am.
I didn't even get to see him today at all. I find myself thinking about him a
lot lately. I wonder what his life was like growing up, and I wonder how he's
doing and what he's doing. I wonder what he was like at my age. If he already
had dates. Though I don't like to think about that too much.
I think about what he likes. I mean I know some of the things he likes, but what
else. He just seems so closed in, and like he's too afraid to reveal things
about himself.
For me, it always comes down to my secrets. I don't even think I can get close
to anybody because of them. And I really wish I could. I feel kind of lonely
tonight.
I have to get to sleep. Mom just yelled at me to turn off the computer.
Night all.
~~~~~~~~~
1:24p - So my plan is...
My friend and I are going to
look for Tina today. She needs to be stopped, and I feel like I have an
obligation to do this. It also bothers me that she robbed the bank wearing Lex's
skin, so to speak. Part of me hates her for doing this and part of me identifies
with what she has had to do all her life: hide who she really is. I know how
this feels.
~
8:34p - Close your eyes
Tonight has to be one of the
worst nights of my life. First, I had to fight Tina. She wanted to take over
LL's life. I stopped her, but I have to say, I really identified with how Tina
felt. She wanted normal, and that isn't possible with her condition. I know how
that feels. It's what I want.
The police took her away. I had to stand by and watch as Lana and Whitney went into her
house. I'd just saved her life and she was with him not me. It hurt more than I
could even say to my mom, but she could tell. She was very understanding and now
I'm up in the loft alone while Lana and Whitney are together. I don't even want to
think about what they might be doing.
I need to get out. I need to go for a run. I need to be anywhere else but here.
~
10:21p - why me
I just ruined everything with one stupid move.
I ran tonight for a long time. I found myself at the mansion, and Lex was in.
That is Lex by the way. His name is Lex. He was sitting by a dying fire with a
drink in his hand. I was so emotionally distraught. I still am. I'm worse in
fact, because I just made such a huge mistake.
I kissed Lex. When I say kissed, I mean I started it.
It's the first time I've ever kissed anybody. I hate myself because I was being
so selfish. I was upset over what happened earlier. I was lonely and he just
looked so lonely too. I thought ... I didn't really think at all. I just grabbed
him and did it. I forced myself on him. I have never done anything like that. I
just grabbed him and forced him to kiss me. I'm very strong. He wouldn't have
been able to break free from me.
I can still taste him on my lips. I can still smell him.
At least now I know for sure how I feel about him. He's probably never going to
talk to me again.
I was so afraid, I got out of there as fast as I could. I don't know what to do
now. Please help me. I'm so scared. I can't talk to my mom or my dad about this.
They would never understand. What should I do?
My mom freaked when I came back so upset. I just lied and told her I was sad
about Lana (Lana). Luckily, mom left me alone.
Except now that I am alone, all I can think about is how I just took off on him.
I kissed him and then I ran. I shouldn't have left him there. I should go back
or call or something.
I'll call tomorrow. I'll ask him to pretend like it didn't happen. I don't want
him to hate me. He's going to hate me.
~~~~~
8:46p - it can't rain all the time
I went to the house. He was
gone.
I had a huge fight with my dad today. It was raining nonstop. (Somehow I'm sure
that's my fault.) I did my chores and then some. I needed something to take my
mind off things. I didn't care about the rain.
Later, when I went back in I asked mom if Lex had called. My dad totally lost
it. I've been checking to see if he called almost every half hour. He cursed Lex
out, and ordered me to never talk to him again. Then he stormed out to the barn.
(if you wonder where I get the running away from; look no further)
We're still not talking. Mom came up a few minutes ago to ask how I was doing.
She's such a cool mom. I wish I could tell her, but I don't want to give my
parents reason to hate Lex. In my dad's case, even more reason.
I called him six times, but there was no answer. A few hours ago I decided to
stop by. It was still pouring rain, but I didn't care. I ran all the way there
since dad had the truck.
He wasn't home. When I asked where he was nobody would tell me. I checked the
garage, and one of his cars is missing. The one we went for a drive in was still
there so I sat in it for a while. I thought it would make me feel better, but it
just made me feel worse. I got so upset I ran again. Only this time I ran to the
farthest point of his property.
I'm back now. I tried to call again, but voicemail picked up. I'm too scared to
leave a message. What do I say? How should I explain what happened?
Maybe it'll be like with my dad where we just start talking again as if nothing
happened. I don't know about that. I read all the nice stuff and advice you guys
left (thanks so much. It really helped), and I think you're all right. If I act
like nothing happened that won't change that it happened.
Now that I'm further removed from the moment, I want to go back to it. I want to
feel him close to me again. I want to hold him. I'm still scared, but I'm more
scared of losing him than anything else.
I think I'll leave a message the next time I call. With the way things are going
it'll be the one time he picks up.
~
11:52p - calling
I called and left a message this time. I just asked him to call me when he gets
a chance.
My mom made me some apple pie. She watched me eat. I think she was hoping I
would confide in her. I couldn't do it. I thought about it, but I just couldn't.
I was too scared. I did ask her about dating. She told me about her and dad's
first date. It was a really nice story.
Dad still won't talk to me. He's more stubborn than a mule. (That's what my mom
said) I also told her I wasn't going to stop seeing Lex, and that dad would just
have to live with that.
I guess I talked more than I thought I would. (Pie is my mom's secret weapon.) I
wanted so much to ask about how she'd feel if I was gay. I chickened out again.
Maybe once I've talked to Lex I'll be able to confide in her about this. I hate
keeping secrets from them, but the truth is we all keep secrets from other
people. I'm going to tell all of you one of my secrets right now.
I think I'm gay.
Okay you probably figured it out, but I have to tell you, the one kiss I shared
with Lex was more of a turn-on than the two I shared with Chloe and fake-Lana.
~~~~
9:41a
- confusion
You just won't believe....
It's not getting any easier. I called again. I couldn't help it. This time I
called the mansion. I asked when Lex would be returning. His butler (or what
ever he is) said that maybe tonight master Lex would return. He actually called
him master Lex. It was weird.
Dad is so mad at me. He hasn't said a single word. When I asked mom about it,
she said they talked for a bit, but again; stubborn mule. He's going to
make me suffer all weekend and I didn't even do anything wrong.
Maybe if I work by his side all day, he'll be forced to talk to me.
Mom's calling. I better go. I have to fix a gap in the fence in the far field.
(this one is kind of my fault)
~~~~~
10:45a - all is right with the world
I went by last night and we talked. Everything is fine now. I'm pretty sure it
was seeing Lana with her boyfriend that set this off. I was lonely and I thought
that I could substitute somebody else. I just wanted comfort. Lex understood. I
think.
I promised him it would never happen again. Maybe Lex is right, maybe I do like
Lana. But then why would he kiss me back? I thought maybe... but I guess not. I
also promised never to run out on him. I was the one who made the whole thing
harder. I shouldn't have run. I didn't even ask him where he was. I feel like
such a bad friend.
The truth is, while I was making the promise I wanted to kiss him again. I know
that's not fair to him or to me, but I couldn't help it. He looked so tired and
so . . . (I can't call a guy pretty and other stuff like that) I've never seen
him look like this before. He looked confused and sad and maybe a little hurt.
When he touched me on the knee I thought for sure something was going to happen,
but then it didn't.
He was relieved we worked it out. I guess he only kissed me back because he was
caught up in the moment. He never once said he liked it or that he wanted it.
After we talked, we played a game of pool. Then he tried to convince me to go
after Lana. I just can't do that. Lana has a boyfriend and I won't interfere
with that. If they break up I'll step in, but until then I guess I'll just have
to stay friends. I don't mind so much.
Mom and dad are talking about money again, or lack of it. Things haven't been
great this year. I do a lot of work on the farm, but I know it's not enough. I
wish I could help them more. I talked to Lex about it last night. He reassured
me that everything would work out.
Dad's talking to me again. Out of the blue just like that he suddenly asked me
when I'd be home from school. Today is delivery day and he wants me to get them
done by six so he can have the truck back. This means I won't be able to stay
over at Lex's this afternoon. Oh well, we can always talk another time.
~
9:34p - sigh
I just got back from a party
by the lake. I hate these stupid things, but Chloe wanted to go. I felt kind of bad
that I didn't spend any time with her this weekend. It was kind of annoying to
say the least.
Sean approached me to ask if Chloe was single. I told him she'd never consider
going out with him. Then I watched as he hit on her, and she wrote her phone
number on his hand. I wanted to tell her what he did to me last month, but then
I would have to tell her that I was the scarecrow. I wasn't about to go there.
We left shortly after the pizza arrived, but not before we grabbed a few slices.
Lana and Whitney were there. I just stayed away. There was no point. She was in his
arms. She looked really happy.
Oh well.
The best part of my day was when I saw Lex for a few minutes. Unfortunately it
was a short visit since I had to get the truck back to dad. He looked really
good. I mean he was wearing a suit. He's a business man. Let me just say I hate
suits but he looked . . . just wow. It was probably really expensive.
He must have just gotten home since he was removing his tie.
I know I will think about how he looked when he took his tie off for quite some
time.
I can fantasize can't I?
~~~~~
10:08p - I have a non-date . . .
. . . with Lana. This afternoon
I was kind of watching Lana at the coffee house. She was just reading like she
always does. I was trying to figure out some things. Then Lex stops me and tells
me to go for it. He even gave me tickets to this really cool concert, and
offered to throw in the limo.
I was pretty surprised, but I took the tickets and did what he said. I asked
Lana
out to the concert. She said yes. I made sure she knew it was just a friends
thing, not a date or anything. I mean just because she's seeing somebody doesn't
mean she can't go out with a friend, right?
So tomorrow night we're going to a concert. I'm nervous. I know it isn't a real
boyfriend girlfriend kind of thing, but I've never actually been on a date.
Ever. I've been to some of the school dances, but I always went alone and left
alone.
Part of it has to do with my mom and dad and how overprotective they are. I
don't blame them for it; I just kind of wish sometimes that things were
different. My mom and dad didn't say much when they found out.
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