1:08a
- sweet dreams
I just woke up from a dream. It was one of those dreams, if you know what I
mean. This is kind of hard for me but here goes.
We're at the mansion playing a game of pool, and Lex says 'it's kind of hot in
here.' He unbuttons his shirt and lets it hang open. I can't help but stare at
his bare chest. It's so nice and smooth and pale. He notices me staring and sits
me down on the leather sofa. Then he holds my hand and tells me I can touch if I
want to.
So I did. He's really soft. I've already touched his lips from when I saved his
life, and the kiss so I know how they feel.
I lean in and kiss him again only this time he grabs me and pushes me back so
he's on top of me.
That's when I woke up with wetness everywhere. It's embarrassing. I usually
don't have those kinds of dreams. Most of the time once I've taken care of it,
I'm good for the rest of the night. I'm still excited.
I better clean up. Night.
~
1:39p - the big night
Chloe and Pete teased me
relentlessly at school. They even figured out that it was Lex's doing. I guess
it's because we've been spending so much time together.
Sean tried to ask Chloe out again, but before she could even say a word he took
off. The guy is such a jerk. I wish she wouldn't bother with him. It's not like
she isn't pretty. I think she could easily get a guy.
She promised to come over today after school to help me decide what to wear on
my non date. Apparently when I'm out with Lana my parents will be over at Lex's
talking about money. I hope my dad gives him a chance.
~
10:34p - It was....
... a total bust. I was so
nervous I resorted to card tricks. She didn't seem all that excited to be there.
She even turned on the TV in the limo. Which was kind of a plus since the news
was on.
Chloe made a - what did she call it - 'fact finding mission to see if he's worthy
of a date.' with Sean. If Lana hadn't turned on the TV, I would never have seen the
story on the news about Sean's ex girlfriend being killed.
I dropped Lana off at the coffee house, and promised to be right back. I couldn't
let Chloe meet up with Sean.
I saved Chloe and took her home.
I guess it wasn't meant to work out. At least Chloe is okay. I was so relieved I
made it to her.
After that I had to go see if I could salvage the non-date. I couldn't. She was
gone; which actually didn't bother me that much. What really bothered me was the
fact that Sean went after everybody I care about. He tried to kill me (I'm
fine).
It's over now. Lana is home with Whitney - she sprained her ankle. My mom and dad are
asleep. Sean never got near the mansion. He tried to attack it. There was no way
I was going to let him near all the people that I care about.
Lex was entertaining my parents.
I think I'm going to go see if he's okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:17p - interesting night
Where to start.
I went to the mansion last night. So much happened. It was a great end to a
horrible day.
We sat and watched TV for a while. I was too tired to talk. All I can say is.
Wow. He was only wearing pajama bottoms, and when I arrived he didn't cover up
or anything. He looked so hot. I lay my head down on the sofa, and pretended to
fall asleep. He touched my hair. Actually, he stroked it. (It was really nice.)
I was exited to say the least. So was he, I think. Then he offered me a bed. Not
his unfortunately. :)
I asked him to stay with me until I fell asleep. After everything that had happened, I
just didn't want to be alone. He agreed to stay. It was really nice to have him
there. I felt safe. Which is kind of weird since I am the strong one. He smells
so nice. Not like me. I smell kind of funny.
We fell asleep in the same bed! I was so content. So happy. When I woke up a few
hours later I was pressed up against him. (One of my fantasies.) He was so warm
and soft. He wasn't wearing a shirt. His skin is so smooth; like silk. I wanted
to stay close to him, but I was afraid of what he would think.
After that talk, and how he helped me get the date with Lana, I'm just not sure.
I'm more confused than ever.
He went back to his own room once he woke up, (which sucked - and not in a good
way. Hey I think of that kind of stuff. At least now I do.) I wanted him to
stay, but how was I supposed to do that. I'd already faked sleep to get him
closer.
I couldn't think of any way to keep him close so I just went to sleep.
The next morning was great. I felt so good. I took a shower in the nicest
bathroom ever. (The bed was huge. I loved it) when I went back to my room I went
through the wrong door, and ended up in Lex's room. That was kind of
embarrassing. He was already dressed, and I was still in my towel. He was cool
about it though. I had to borrow socks and boxers from him. I'm still wearing
the boxers. I think I might keep them. Maybe he won't remember. They're not silk
or anything.
So, I got dressed after embarrassing myself, and went down to have some
breakfast. He drove me to school (first we stopped off at the farm, and picked
up my book bag)
I caught Lex staring at me. I know he watches me. I really like that. It kind of
makes me feel special. Last night when he went back to his room, I'm pretty sure
he did the same thing I did. (I think you know what I mean.)
I feel kind of sexy right now. Lex does that to me. I've never felt that way
with anybody before. Not even Lana.
My mom and dad are pretty mad. Mom sent me straight to my room after school. I
can hear them arguing now. Dad is kind of freaking out. Shoot, I hope they don't
make me stop seeing Lex.
I have to go now. All this writing about Lex has made me kind of excited. I have
to admit. I feel really comfortable writing all this here. It gets easier every
time to admit to myself how I feel. Thanks.
Oh and before I forget, I made Lex blush. You might think this is not a strange
thing, but that's because you don't know him. He never blushes. Until today that
is. His head turned bright red it was so cute. I wonder what would have happened
if I'd said what I really wanted to say. I guess I'll never know. I called him
cute too. I was so embarrassed. I do that a lot; embarrass myself. I'm pretty
good at it actually.
I can't help it though, he really is cute. I wish I could show you what he looks
like. God, he's just the most wonderfully exotic creature, that's what I should
have called him, exotic. He really is.
I have to go; mom and dad are about to lay the 'hurt on' as Pete would say. I
guess I'll be grounded again.
Oh, and it was the nicest drive to school ever. I wonder if he'd let me drive
his car now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:43p - Days
We had the memorial service
for Sean's girlfriend today. It hit pretty hard since all I could think was it
could have been Chloe. It was a horrible way to die, and a part of me feels like
it's my fault. If only I'd been able to save her.
My mom and dad had a really long talk with me today about responsibility and
stuff. They were pretty mad about the other night. I guess I should have told
them where I was going. When I asked my mom if it was because it was Lex, dad
said yes and mom said no. She just wants me to let her know where I will be just
in case. They know I can take care of myself, but I guess they still worry.
So I have to come home right after class for the next week, unless something
comes up, and I have to do extra chores. I'm supposed to start some community
service work next week but I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. Mom said
that was fine.
Dad, however, was really quiet. He acted fine when I asked if I could spend the
night over at the mansion. I pointed out that I was asking, and that I could do
my chores tomorrow in the afternoon. They said they'd think about it.
I asked Lana why she goes out with her boyfriend. I was just curious. I mean, he's
done things that aren't so nice. She told me he makes her feel safe. The irony
is not lost. I mean I've already saved her so many times. Some of them she
doesn't even know about. I guess I can't be the guy that makes her feel safe. I
know I can't be there whenever she needs me. I tend to run off on her. So far
I'm 0 for however many times I made her a promise.
I can live with that. It just kind of sucks if you know what I mean. I feel
alone when things like this happen.
~~~~~~~
11:27p - long day
I am so tired. My dad made me
do every single chore he could come up with today.
After Lex drove me home dad worked my ass off. He's not mad or anything I think
he's just taking advantage of my offer to do anything he wants. I had to draw
the line at re-painting the house on the outside. Although I probably could do
it.
I have to make a confession. I took something from Lex's place. This is going to
sound so stupid, but I took a bar of the soap that was in the guess bathroom. It
smells so good, and I figure he won't miss it. He has lots of soap. I wanted to
take something else. I still have the boxers. I forgot to return them. Oops.
I washed them earlier, along with my bed sheets, since mom and dad went out to
dinner. They needed a night out with just the two of them so they went to the
city.
I already finished my homework and shot some hoops. When that got boring I
decided to run to the back field. Now I'm just sitting in my room.
The night over at the mansion was kind of tense at first. I stuck my foot in my
mouth. I felt so embarrassed I wanted to leave, but Lex just brushed it off. I
think I really hurt his feelings. I'm kind of ashamed that I acted that way. It
put a bit of a damper on the rest of the night. I was so nervous so I thought I
would tease him, but that totally backfired. I'll know better next time.
We had brownies. (My mom won't let me since the chocolate makes me totally
hyper. I'm having chocolate ice cream right now.)
We just watched some TV and then went to sleep. I stayed in the same guest room
as before. The next morning I joined him in his room, and we watched some TV and
ate breakfast. It was really nice. He seemed in a good mood and he didn't bring
up my major blunder from last night. I was relieved. (I asked him about girls,
and why he doesn't have more over. Then later I asked him about sex. About when
he first did it. He was kind of vague, but I think he did it for the first time
when he was really young. Maybe even younger than I am now)
He drove me home in the red Ferrari again. I love that car. I'm still too afraid
to ask him if I can drive it.
Very weird thing happened. I don't know how to take it. All I know is it's
totally out of left field. Chloe stopped by this afternoon. She asked me why I was
over at Lex's and asked if I have something more than friendship with him. I
couldn't believe she would say that! I totally snapped at her, and she drove off
mad as heck. I mean, she'd never ask me that if I stayed over at Pete's house.
I mean it just seemed like it came out of left field. Why would she think this?
Did she see something? I didn't do anything where anyone can see. At least I
don't think so.
I'm not handling this well. I need to back off or something. I need to figure
out what the hell is happening. I feel tense and jumpy now. Must be the ice
cream. I better go burn it off.
Oh, I didn't play games with Lex. Just pool. I almost beat him too, but I
stopped the game. And I peeked at his legs. Yes I know I promised myself I
wouldn't but I couldn't help it. I was too curious. They're hot! And purple
boxers. Also no hair on his legs.
I am too jumpy now. I need to go somewhere really far away.
~~~~~~~~
10:26p - boring day
I'm finally finished all the
chores. You wouldn't believe how much there was to do. My dad took full
advantage of the agreement we made. I didn't really care since it's pretty hard
for me to get tired.
They're kind of boring so I won't go into detail. I also had to do the laundry
since everything I owned was dirty or ripped. When I went over to Lex's the
other night I had to dig deep in the back of my closet for old jeans that I'd
only worn a few times since I hated how tight they were. Mom bought them for me
a year ago, but they were the wrong size. I'm not even going to go into how much
laundry there was. It seemed like I was doing loads for hours.
Like the post says; boring day.
I still want to write here at least once a day. It is fun and I really enjoy
putting my thoughts down. It's also very interesting seeing what other people
think. So far I've gotten some great advice, and some of the comments have
really given me a lot to think about. Lex is one of the things I think about
almost constantly these days. I can't help it.
I'm beginning to realize that I have to be very aware around Lex. He keeps me on
my toes and I love that. I can't ever remember being so stimulated by anybody as
much as I am when I'm with him. I love that he makes me think.
Mom and dad are in bed now. We had a little talk. It was kind of strange. Dad
seemed nervous and mom did most of the talking. They actually asked me if I've
had sex yet. Why would they think that? I don't even have a girlfriend. Mom gave
me a pack of Trojan condoms. I really like that my parents feel comfortable
about these things, but it was weird taking the pack and promising my mom that I
would be careful.
There are other reasons for them to be concerned. I mean I am different. I'm not
even sure if I'll ever be able to. I'm glad they're so honest about it. Although
they did remind me that I really should wait until I'm 16. (I'm betting they
wish it would never happen.)
Too bad, because if I have anything to say about it, the sex is going to happen.
One day with somebody I love and who loves me back. I know that might seem naive
to some people, but it's just the way I feel. I could never just sleep with
somebody.
Guys talk about it in the locker room. I guess Lana didn't wait. I know that
Whitney
and his friends are all non-virgins. (is that a word?) Anyway, one day I know
it'll happen. I can wait. I told mom and dad that was exactly what I would do.
When I figure out who the right person is, I'm so there. Maybe I should do some
research. It's not like I'm totally clueless about these things. Like I said, I
hear stuff.
I'm hungry again, so I'll go eat and then maybe I'll do some research. The
Internet is a pretty great place to find out stuff. Mom and dad even told me
that if I have any questions I should not hesitate to ask.
I can just see it. 'Mom, how do I know if Lex wants to do things with me?' Oh
yeah, that would go over well.
~~~~~~
9:19p - tell the future
Today I met a woman who can
tell the future.
All she has to do is touch you, and she can see things. She touched me and told
me that somebody close to me would die soon. I immediately went home and checked
on my parents. They were fine and they didn't believe me when I told them about
Cassandra. It's true though. She touched Pete and told him he'd be walking home
since he locked his keys in his car.
I decided to read to Cassandra for my community service. Every student at the
school has to do some each year, and I figured since Lana was already there I'd
talk Pete into doing this so I could see more of Lana.
But something really unexpected happened. Chloe stopped by earlier. She wanted to
talk about Lana. She told me her and Lana are getting closer, and they're interested
in pursuing something more. As in like that. I was pretty stunned. I didn't even
realize Chloe liked her or even talked to her. She always making fun of her.
She wanted to know if it was okay since she knew how much I liked Lana. What was I
supposed to say? 'No you can't, I liked her first.' Besides, she doesn't like me
like that. She wants me to get over it.
I know I've been going on and on about Lex but it still really hurts to know
that she doesn't feel that way. At least before when I thought I had a chance I
could dream, but now Chloe told me Lana just likes me as a friend.
I wish I could go to Lex. I want to run to him every time something happens that
I don't want to deal with. That scares me. I saw him today since it was delivery
day. He was driving like a maniac. I told him to be more careful, and he just
pointed out that I would save him. When I told him about Cassandra he actually
agreed with my mom and dad. I believe her. She told my friend he'd walk home and
he had to. She was right.
I want to go see her again. I mean I have to anyway, but I want to. She might be
able to tell me things about myself. I just feel so confused. I need answers.
One of the residence from the home disappeared. It's really weird. He's this guy
who murdered somebody a long time ago. It's kind of creepy. Lana is a little
freaked over it. I guess she has Chloe to comfort her.
I feel so out of it tonight. I was hoping Lex would be able to do something, but
I'm not allowed to go out. Mom asked me to stay in, and I just don't feel right
about leaving them alone after what Cassandra said. What if something happens to
them?
I think I'll just call him.
~
11:08p - the call
I called him. For some reason
it felt weird. He was drinking again. I had no idea what to say, I felt like
such a goof. At least I made him laugh with my stupid jokes. I also asked him
out on a date. Well, sort of. I didn't say 'let's go on a date' I just asked if
he'd like to go to a movie some time. So we're going to see one on Sunday. I'll
have to remember to check what's playing.
I wanted to ask him about stuff, but wasn't sure how to bring up the subject of
sex. I told him about mom and dad giving me condoms. It didn't really have the
desired effect. Oh well, maybe I'll try something different next time. He did
tell me a little bit more about how he used to use sex, drugs and rock and roll
to ward of teenage loneliness and confusion.
D called me a fag again. He's usually easy to ignore but he really went out of
his way to bug me today. I told Lex about this. We talked about teasing which
wasn't what I was hoping for again, but I had no idea how to ask if he though I
was a fag. or maybe get him to tell me if he liked men that way. I wanted to. I
mean I want to know a lot of things about what he's thinking. I'm just not good
at bring up the topic. He told me he'd been teased too and he also told me how
he used to deal with it. I wanted to know everything, but I didn't push.
He seemed kind of melancholy. I want to run to the mansion, and hold him. I want
to protect him from everybody: his father, my father, the whole world.
I did that search on line last night, and found some decent web sites that
talked about first times, and that kind of thing. One of my biggest fears is
that I'll hurt the person I'm with. I think I'm going to do more research
tonight. For now, I guess it will have to be my right hand.
I have to get to bed now anyway so I can get up early and do some chores dad
wants done.
~~~~~~~~~
11:27p - I'm alone
I went to see Cassandra
tonight. I needed to know. I wanted to know what the future holds for me.
I wish I hadn't.
I'm so tired. Every time I turn around, somebody is hurt by me. Everywhere I
look, I see pain and suffering caused by me. She saw a vision of me in a
graveyard surrounded by tombstones. The names of all my friends and families
were on the stones. My father, my mother, Lana, Chloe, and Pete.
I've been sitting here in the dark thinking about this. I was so freaked out at
the time, and didn't realize it until a few hours later. The only tombstone that
wasn't in the vision was Lex's.
I don't know why that was the case, but it has to mean something. I wish I could
call him again. He mocked Cassandra when I told him about her. What would he say
if I told him about this? Could this mean that he's the only person in my life
now that will still be around in my future? I have even more questions than I
had before. I need to know. Maybe I could convince him to go to her. Convince
him to let her look into his future. What if I'm there in the vision she sees?
The truth is I want him there. I want him to be a part of my future. He told me
that he didn't want anything to stand in the way of our friendship. Does that
include death? Was I meant to be on that bridge? Was I meant to save him? If
that's true? Why?
I have so many questions to which I may never have answers.
School totally sucked. I spent the whole day avoiding Lana and Chloe. Pete even noticed
I was acting weirder than usual. I can't tell him about all this. I mean the
girl of my dreams likes the other girl in my life. I thought it would be easy,
but every time I saw either one of them, I had to duck around the corner.
Eventually I ran into Chloe. I knew I couldn't make it through the day without
running into one of them. She'd been talking to Lana before she turned around, I
nearly slammed right into her. Yuck. Just thinking about our conversation makes
my stomach hurt. I don't even want to talk about it here.
This is so confusing. I hate it! I wish I had somebody I could talk to about it.
~~~~~~~~~
11:45p - Another day
Well this just totally sucks! I just wrote up all these feelings, and this
stupid program crashed. I am so angry right now.
On top of that Lex called me to his house in the middle of the night to show me
that he still has the car from the crash. He told me why, but I still don't get
it. Why can't he just be happy he's alive? I'm happy he's alive.
I told him he should just move on. I had to lie to him again. I'm too scared to
tell him the truth. I'm scared he'll hate me. I'm scared of what my parents will
do if I tell him. I owe my parents so much. If they hadn't found me in that
field, I don't know what would have happened to me. For all I know, I could be
in a lab somewhere, or worse, in jars. I can't tell Lex my secret because it
isn't just my secret. My mom and dad have protected me for so long, I
just can't do that to them. I know what they'll say if I ask them if I can tell
Lex.
What does he want from me? My feelings for him are growing stronger. He had
people look over the car. They told him there was no way the crash happened like
I said. Why would he do that? I know he's the type of guy who needs to know
things. He hates a mystery. Maybe I should stay away from him, but I can't. I'm
drawn to him. I can admit that much.
I hope he believed me. Because if he didn't, then I don't know what I'll do. I
feel hurt and kind of betrayed. I mean, it's his car, and I know he can do what
he wants with it, but why does he have to keep it?
I also went to see Cassandra again. She told me that my destiny was to save
people. Then she showed me some of the people that I would save. One of them was
Zoe a waitress from the Beanery. I saved her from the killer. Chloe thinks that
it's Harry one of the nursing home residents doing a time warp care of the
rocks. I just can't believe that no one hasn't gotten rid of them. They are so
dangerous to humans.
It didn't help that I had to be around Chloe and Lana. We were so busy trying to
figure out what was going on that we didn't really have any time to talk about
other things. This suited me just fine. I'm not really anxious to talk about it
any time soon.
The thing that worries me the most is Lex. I wish he would just let it be. I
want to call him right now, but I can't. I have this fear that he'll call me a
liar and hang up on me. It makes me think of those horrible dreams I was having.
~~~~~~~
9:38p
- I officially hate this
My mom just almost died! It was Harry from the old age home. I was so relieved
when dad and I saved her that I didn't even care that Harry died in a rain of
corn.
That was sort of pretty much my day. A few awkward moments with Chloe and Lana,
but I think it's getting easier. It's Lana's birthday soon, and I really wanted
to do something special for her. I don't know any more. I'll have to think about
it.
I didn't get to see Lex at all today. When I called, his cell went straight to
voice mail. The butler said he was out of town. I wonder where he is. I miss
him. I want to hear his voice. I actually called his cell a few times just so I
could hear his voice.
Chloe called earlier to check up on mom. We talked for a few minutes but I used
the excuse that mom needed me to get off the line.
I think I'll call Lex again. His butler said he'd be home some time tonight.
Maybe I'll go by the house and wait for him to get home. Is it stupid to miss
him this much? Especially after the car thing.
I keep thinking about it. It's a moment in my life that I would never change,
yet it's a moment in my life that has placed me front and center in the mind of
a very powerful man. I'm terrified. I can't tell my mom and dad. I have to
pretend like it isn't happening. I have to trust that Lex will put it aside just
like I said.
~~~~~~~~~~
10:50a - I'm worried
I went by last night to see
if Lex was around. He wasn't, so I hung out near the house out of sight. He
returned really late, but I didn't bother him since he looked so tired. I wanted
to go talk to him, but how was I going to explain why I was there.
I watched him through a window for a while. He looked so sad, almost like
somebody had died. I ached to go to him. I think I'll go see him later today.
Maybe we could play a game of pool.
I'm supposed to be in class right now, but I ducked into the torch office. I'm
still avoiding Chloe and Lana but I think I'll talk to them today. Separately.
~
10:52p - The talks and other things
I had the talk with Chloe. It was really awkward, and she seemed kind of out of
it. When I asked her if she wanted to talk about it she said no. I think I'll
see if Pete has more luck. Lana and I ran into each other in the hall. It was
kind of awkward. We ducked into the Torch office for privacy. She was really
nice about it. The worst part; it just made me like her more.
I stopped by to see Cassandra again. She was dead. It was her she saw in the
vision. When she told me somebody was going to die I think it was her she was
talking about. It totally freaked me out, but that's not the worst part. How
can't it be the worst part you ask? Well, Lex was there. He looked so terrified;
I had to follow him home.
I just got back from there. It's not good. He kept going on about how I should
stay away from him. How he's dangerous, and how he was the one who killed
Cassandra. She was really old. I mean ancient old.
When I first found him his hand was bleeding. He'd cut it, and even though he
told me it was an accident I know it was deliberate. He cut himself. I'm not
sure why. He said that Cassandra died because she saw his future. I think he cut
the hand that touched her.
I kissed him again. Only this time I didn't back down or run. I held him close
to me, and kissed him. It was terrifying. I was so scared, and then he pushed me
away and told me we couldn't do it. I refused to let him do that.
He asked
me to stay. I pulled him closer, and held him in my arms until he fell asleep.
God, he's so beautiful! I took him up to his room and watched as he slept. It
was the most calm and content I'd felt all month. He woke up briefly, but I
urged him to just get some sleep. He looked so exhausted.
I had a nightmare about the graveyard. Again there was no gravestone for Lex. I
think it means something very significant. I'm not sure what. Lex was better
after he'd slept. I was so afraid he'd notice how excited I was to be so close
to him, but either he was being very polite, or he was just too upset to notice.
I slept in the same bed as him! I didn't actually intend to fall asleep, it just
sort of happened. I was watching him sleep and before I knew it, I woke up from
the nightmare. I was still in the bed with him. I think I hurt him in my sleep.
We had a quiet dinner. I was sort of babbling about dumb stuff, but he seemed
interested in what I had to say. That is one of thing I love about him; he takes
me seriously. After we finished he drove me home. I wanted so badly to just stay
with him for the night, and make sure he didn't try to hurt himself again. I
know he cut his hand on purpose.
I wished I could have kissed him right there, but I know that is not a good
idea. My dad has this bad habit of showing up at the worst times.
I watched him go. He seemed much better than when I found him. I hope he is. It
hurt deep inside to see him fall apart. He's always so calm. I am really looking
forward to the Sunday movie date.
~~~~~~
12:03a - Sometimes I wish ...
. . .
that the world was my home. But it isn't. No matter how much I want to be a
human I'm not. I'm an alien. I don't belong here. I never will.
I play dress-up every day, and pretend like I belong. I have friends who think
they know me, but they don't. I have parents who raised me, but they are never
going to be my real parents. I will never know what my home world looks like.
And now, I think I can just take something from this planet.
Lex Luthor is not mine and he never will be. He thinks he knows me, but he never
will.
He would hate me if he knew the truth. He would never let me touch him again if
he knew the truth.
All my life I thought I could live with these humans. I thought I could be one
of them. I thought I could have what they have.
BUT I NEVER WILL!
Never. Every time I do something nobody else can, it reminds me that I am never
going to be the same as the humans on this world.
I wish I could open the space ship. If only I knew more about where I came from,
and why I was sent to earth. Was it an accident? Is my home world even there
anymore? Are my people out there searching for me? What do my real parents looks
like? So many questions.
I looked at the space ship again today. I kept thinking about why I'm here, and
eventually I went down to look at it. It's just a big hunk of cold metal, but it
protected me when I was out in space headed for my new home.
This home. Earth. Planet earth. I love this planet.
Invulnerability doesn't extend to my feelings.
I am so afraid of Lex finding out about my secret. I have to pull away from him.
I don't have a choice. What else can I do? I know I love him. I know I am in
love with him. I have never felt this way about anybody ever, and I don't know
what to do. It shouldn't be this strong. It shouldn't hurt this much.
I love him, but there is no way I can deal with the consequences of that.
~~~~~
12:29a - Panic time
I am sitting here trying to figure out when I turned into an ass. I mean I was
the one that asked him to go to a movie and then I turn around and cancel. I
made up a lame excuse about my mom and dad not wanting me to go out on a night
before school. It was a complete lie. I asked my mom, and she said it was fine
as long as I got home by eleven.
My mom and I talked about dating. She figured it was because of how I feel about
Lana, so I didn't correct her. She told me she doesn't want me to get hurt. I
guess that's what a mom is supposed to say. At first I asked her what she liked
a guy to do on a date, so she told me with this big smile on her face. She
seemed pretty excited about this new development. I wanted to ask how she would
feel if I went out with a guy instead of a girl but I chickened out.
I'm back. I called Lex.
He was drunk. We talked and I confessed that I had lied earlier about why I
couldn't go to the movies with him. He was nice about it but I could tell he
didn't like that I lied. We talked for a while and I told him how I really feel
about him. I got kind of confused while we were talking, but I think everything
is going to be fine. I asked him to give me time. I really need it. I need to
figure things out.
I told him I loved him. I actually said it out loud when he was awake and he
heard me. I think I had a panic attack after I hung up the phone. Oh god! What
the hell am I doing? He's six years older than me. He's gorgeous, sophisticated,
worldly and, not to mention, a guy!
I'm just a country hick. What does he see in me? Oh gosh, I think I will panic
now.
9:11p
Mmmmm I am eating pumpkin pie right now. I saw Lex today. He was so hot, but I
controlled myself around him. I was a good boy. We just flirted a lot, and he
was so amazing. *sigh*
More later. I still have a ton of homework, and a ton of chores to do. Plus Pete
is supposed to call. He's been going on and on about this really nice girl Jodie
from school. She's so sweet and kind of shy. I saw the way he looked at her in
class today. It was great to see him get all flustered when she walked by. I am
so happy for my friend. When Lana passed us in the hall she smiled and said hello.
Pete poked me in the ribs, and teased me. I just smiled and thought of Lex.
Off to clean some hay. :)
~
11:18p - Oh man
I'm blushing while I'm writing this, even though only I will read it.
Oh wow. I have to get this down so that I can be reminded of the day I came in
my jeans with Lex right there beside me. It was so hot and amazing. He was so
hot and amazing.
We played pool, and I didn't even care who was winning. He told me his dad had
been to visit him yesterday. I was worried since his dad and him don't really
get along.
I couldn't help myself. I had to hug him. Then one thing led to another, and
before I knew it we were kissing. I couldn't stop it; he couldn't stop it. It
was so hot and amazing. Lex is just so hot. He pushed me against the pool table,
and I thought for sure he was going to lay me down on it, but instead we just
made out like teenagers. I asked if this was okay, and he said yes. More like
moaned yes. It was so hot, and I was so hard.
Before I knew what was happening I was coming in my pants. I was so embarrassed.
But he was great about it. He didn't mock me or laugh or anything like that. He
held me and caressed my head. It was so nice to have him there. I've never been
with someone before, you know, right after I've come. I've always been alone,
since it was just me doing the touching.
I feel like I have this great big secret, which I guess I do, since we're the
only ones who know.
He was hard too but he wouldn't let me take care of it. I was really nervous so
I kind of just followed his lead. I mean he knows way more about this stuff than
I do.
After I left, I watched from a hiding spot as he sat down and pulled out his
cock. He was gorgeous, and I watched as he stroked himself to climax. He came
all over his shirt, and he moaned my name. It was such a turn on. I wanted to go
back in, and lick it all off just to see what it tasted like.
I am getting so turned on right now just writing this. I didn't think I could do
it, but since nobody else will read it but me, I feel safer. Thank god for
private posts. I know I will be making more of these in the future.
Well, I'm off to jerk off.
~~~~~~~~
11:02a - Just taking a second
Okay since I posted it as a
private post originally I can give a non R rated version here.
I did the deliveries yesterday and, when we were playing pool, I kind of fell
all over Lex. We made out against the pool table. He's so hot and amazing. I had
such a great time with him. He told me we could do things like make out, fully
clothed in case you were wondering, but that he would give me time to work
through how I feel about him.
I know how I feel. That isn't really what I need to think through. It's other
things. Like how to deal with all of this. I know we'd have to hide it from
everybody since I'm so young, and, plus, we're both guys. I checked out the
laws. He'd be in so much trouble if we did things beyond kissing.
I can also tell you that he has the smoothest skin ever. And he's got no hair. I
mean NO hair anywhere. (Except eyelashes and eyebrows)
That is totally hot.
Later.
~
11:12p - confusion
I am so confused. Today I
helped Lana with homework, and while I was over Whitney showed up. They talked about a
try out at Kansas State. They kissed.
I thought Lana was supposed to be dating Chloe? I don't get it. Why was she kissing
Whitney?
I'm going over to see Lex soon. I called and he wasn't home yet. It wasn't
really that exciting a day. School was boring. Pete talked about Jodie non-stop,
which is totally cool. It's so nice to see him happy. I'm really happy for him.
I'm off now. Later.
~~~~~~~~~~
5:21p
- Almost sex
Last night was the best night. I went over to see Lex. He was in bed already
since it was almost 11:30 pm. I kind of invited myself in. He didn't stop me so
I took off my shoes and socks, and climbed into the bed with him. He wasn't
wearing a shirt. In fact the only thing he had on were these gorgeous emerald
green silk pajama bottoms. I pulled them down, and got to see for myself just
how hairless he is down there.
I stroked his cock until he came all over his stomach. It was so sexy, and the
biggest turn-on Then as he watched, I licked his come off my fingers. I think I
totally shocked him. I was pleased that he let me do it to him. He looked so
hot. God, I was so happy. I started to fall asleep. Total cliché, I know, but I
was just so content.
I want to make him happy. I'm just afraid I won't live up to any of his other
lovers. I really like the
idea of somebody overpowering me. But at the same time I love the idea of
overpowering Lex. He's always so in control, I'd love to pin him down, and do
things to him. I'm going to have to do some more research to figure out what two
guys do in bed together. So far I've mostly just done some basic internet
searches on how to handle your first time. I'm going to try to find something on
line about gay first times.
I want to go over there right now, but I have a lot of harvesting to do.
~
5:24p - Lay me down
I went over to see Lex last night just for an hour. He was up having a nightcap
so we sat, and talked a bit about how we're going to take it slow. We kissed,
and it was so nice. I really like kissing him. That was all we did though.
I have so much work to do that I don't really have the time to write here right
now. Soon though I'll tell more.
~~~~~~~
1:19a -
I'm escorting Lana to her
birthday party. She stopped by to drop off an order, and since she told me
Whitney
wouldn't be there I kind of blurted out that I would take her. My mom was
standing right there. I figure if she sees me ask Lana out, there is no way she
will think I am into Lex. Plus I figure Lana isn't ready for the town to know
about her and Chloe.
Lana said yes, so I guess she doesn't totally hate the idea. I promised I would
make it this time, since I have such a lousy track record with her. I ran after
Lana after she left our place to let her know why I did it. She seemed cool with
that.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lex stopped by a while ago. He just wanted to say he was sorry he missed me
earlier in the day when I dropped off his produce. He left me a note. I have it
in my back pocket.
I told him about Lana. He was pretty mad. When I explained why I was going with
her, he seemed fine with that.
I guess this means I'm dating him now. I mean he pretty much asked me to be only
with him didn't he? It seems like it. When he kissed me the first thing he said
afterwards was that I couldn't get that on line. He's right. Plus, his kisses
are so awesome. It was kind of a possessive kiss too. Total turn on.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would use more exclamation points but that would be a very boring post.
My mom interrupted us while we were up in my loft. She didn't see anything. She
just yelled up to us from below. I knew she would come out because Lex was
there. She always does that. My parents have this thing, when ever I'm alone
with somebody up here, my mom comes out first. If we don't leave in five minutes
then my dad comes out. Parents are so devious. I was glad she didn't come up. It
would have been hard to explain me kissing Lex like that.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~
8:23p
- Why?!?
I am the reason Lex is bald! God, why does this keep happening to me? Today when
he came by the torch office he confided in me about how he lost his hair. I have
been waiting for so long to know what the story behind his most distinct feature
is. To find out that I am to blame: god it hurts. He claimed it was fine since
he thinks if it hadn't happened he wouldn't be who he is today. What can I say
to that? I hate those meteors so much. If only I hadn't fallen here. If only
people didn't keep getting hurt by it.
~
9:52p
- My life is one big Teen drama
So I have this talk to Chloe about Lana, and why I asked Lana to her party. She seemed
cool with it. We were on our way to animal control to investigate a dead deer
that she thinks Jody hit. Yes Pete's Jody. It was totally gross. Sometimes I think
Chloe has the lamest theories and sometimes I think she's just brilliant.
I'm worried about her finding out about me and Lex. I don't want anybody to
know. He's older than me, and if anybody knew, it might get him in trouble. I
would never do that to him. I need to think on this. I know we need to be very
discrete.
Lex stopped by the school today. At first I thought he was just there to see me. But he was there to meet Chloe. I wonder if he was checking up on me. He even
commented on me escorting Lana to her party. I reminded him that Lana and I are just
friends. I think he was putting on a show for Chloe's sake. She totally gave me
this ice look after he left. I explained to her that Lex understands I'm only
Lana's friend. I don't think she bought it.
Anyway, I did talk to Lana briefly in the hopes that she would give me an idea of
what she wants for her birthday. She told me about her best birthday ever.
Tonight when I was over delivering the produce for the party Lex and I talked.
He was the one who came up with the idea of what I should do for Lana on her
birthday. I was amazed that he even helped me out considering. Of course right
after he told me what I should get Lana he pinned me to the sofa, and kissed me
until my lips ached. Just telling about it here makes me hard.
~
10:06p - I hate my life
I'm not human and she doesn't know it. I know she doesn't know it, but to have
her say 'it's what makes you human.' God Nothing makes me human. Nothing ever
will. I look like them; I act like them but is that because I was raised by
them?
I wish Lex was here.
~~~~~
3:26p
-
Well, the party is tonight. I have everything set up for her gift. I hope she
likes it. I am excited about this. I really want to keep my promise to be there
for her. She just seems too anti-birthday. I would give anything to be able to
have a real birthday. I don't know when I was born, since my parents found me
abandoned. I wonder when Lex has his birthday. I should be able to find out
easily enough. Later.
~
9:47p
- Not again
Well another human is hurt due to the meteor rocks. I am so sick of this. These
people never asked for this, and yet Jody is now in a hospital because of what
the rocks did to her. I feel so sorry for her, but most of all I feel bad for my
best friend Pete. He was falling in love with her. I could tell by the way he
talked about her, and by the way he stared at her.
When is this going to end? My dad and mom can say it all they want. I feel like
I have to help these people since the meteors came here because of me. When my
dad tells me I shouldn't feel responsible, how can I not? If I had never come
here, this never would have happened.
~
9:51p - And again
I let her down again. I
couldn't allow my best friend to be killed so I went to save him right when I
was supposed to be going to the party to be by Lana's side. It doesn't really
bother me that much since I saved Pete's life.
Poor Jody. It turns out she has this horrible illness. Pete is devastated. We took
her to the hospital, and I stayed with him while they admitted her. He looked so
upset I just couldn't leave him there alone. I am so saddened by what happened.
She only wanted to be thin because she thought it would make people like her
more. The stupid thing is, Pete liked her just the way she was. She's such a sweet
girl. I know she didn't want to be different. Nobody ever does.
After I left him there with her, I went home. I tried to salvage my broken
promise by going over to Lana's house. As I said before, Lex helped me with her
gift. It was a fake drive-in movie thing with cartoons just like what she had
told me about.
I'm going to return the projector tomorrow when I go over for our date. I really
need to be with him, and explain why I wasn't there for her. I'm just so afraid
he'll think that I'll make it a habit, and one day not be there for him. I would
do anything to make sure that never happens. I just hate that I broke yet
another promise to Lana.
~~~~~
12:12a - Cheers and Chores
I had so many chores to do
today, I thought I was going to collapse. I think dad saved them all until
Sunday since he knew I would have the day to do them. I really like helping my
dad. I mean, he's not as strong as me.
First of all, I have to say that if it wasn't for the support and encouragement
of you people I never would have had the courage to pursue things the way I have
with Lex.
I had a pretty cool weekend. Lex and I went to see a movie on Saturday. He let
me drive! I was so excited. It was the coolest ever. If you have ever driven a
Ferrari, then you know what I mean.
We saw an old black and white movie The Big Sleep. It was really cool. Lex was
cool. It was really nice and relaxing.
After the movie he let me drive home. It was a nice night. I had a great time
and I haven't felt so relaxed with anybody in such a long time.
More later, since I am so tired I could sleep for a week.
~
4:09p
- Walking on cloud nine
I am so ecstatic today.
I just have to think about the weekend, how much fun I had, and everything is
perfect.
After the movie, we went back to the mansion, with me at the wheel of the
Ferrari. We played a game of pool, and talked about dating. When I asked if we
were exclusive, he said YES! I am so excited; I might break the keyboard because
of how fast I am typing this. He doesn't like to use the word dating, but it's
still the same thing even if he doesn't call it that.
It got kind of hot at the pool table so we took it upstairs. I had to sleep in
my boxers and t-shirt since I didn't have any pjs with me. He didn't seem to
mind.
I am kind of embarrassed since I hadn't done anything for a few days it was over
before it really started, if you know what I mean: at least for me. Lex on the
other hand; I had to use my hand. He was so beautiful. I told him how I felt
right after. I told him that I love him. I just couldn't help myself. He can't
say it back but we agreed that he would say ditto after I said the words.
I know this seems fast, but we didn't do anything else. After that, we fell
asleep in each other's arms. It was amazing.
We woke up together. I think he was already awake, and he might have been
watching me sleep. I hope I didn't drool or snore too loud or something just as
stupid. At least I didn't do that other thing I do sometimes.
This morning mom told me she's going to be at the Friday Halloween dance. I know
that its not a kids-only thing, its a fundraiser and everyone will be there but
still, I am already groaning about this. I mean mom at the dance; that just
cramps what little style I have.
I'm going with Pete in a few hours to see Jody. She's in pretty bad shape. I
feel so bad for Pete. I can see in his eyes how much he loves her. I just wish
things had turned out better.
~
10:31p - It's not as bad as we thought
I went to see Jody with Pete.
She woke up just as we were about to leave. Pete stayed behind to be with her. I'm
so glad she's awake. She still looked pale but better.
When I went to drop the produce off at the mansion, I talked briefly to Lex. It
hurt so much to see Jody so I couldn't help but feel down about it. He asked and
I told him what was wrong, and then he offered to make sure she gets the best
care. I didn't even ask him, but he just offered.
We kissed a bit. It was cool to be able to just kiss him, and hold him. He held
me too. I have to admit I like it when he touches my hair. It makes me feel
safe. I would never admit that to anybody. He is so warm and soft. I know a guy
shouldn't be described as soft, but he really is. At the same time, I like how
it feels, his strong arms holding me.
I have to figure out what costume to wear for Halloween. Lex said he isn't
dressing up. Too bad, I would have liked to see what he would wear. Speaking of,
he looked so nice today. He was wearing this real nice sweater, and his pants.
MMMM. Lets just say; hot.
I have to go. I have a lot of homework to do.
~~~
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
6:41p - Long day
I have to move to a new town.
We all decided we'd do a Wizard of Oz theme for the Halloween party. I swear if
they ask me to dress as the scarecrow, I will kill them! Pete and I are picking up
our costumes in a few days. He said he wants to be the cowardly lion because
that's his favorite character from the movie.
My mom thinks it's cute, with us living in Kansas and all. I just went along
because I have no idea what to be. Oh well, I could always go as Toto. That
would be a hoot.
Pete said he was going to visit Jody again tonight. I think those two are headed
for dating status, which would be so cool. It would be even cooler if she were
all better by Friday so they could go to the dance together.
I called Lex earlier to ask if he was able to do anything for her. He said he
was on it, but he wasn't sure since he hadn't found out anything yet. I wanted
to tell Pete at school today. Instead, I'm going to wait until I know for sure
what's happening before I get his hopes up.
Today when Pete and I went to the newspaper office the door was locked. It was a
few minutes before Chloe answered it. Lana was there with her. I'm pretty sure I know
what they were doing, and it wasn't the story they gave. Pete seemed to believe it
though he seemed somewhat confused.
I have a ton of homework again tonight. The workload seems to be increasing. I
think the teachers get a thrill out of it.
~~~~~
12:20a - Thoughts on life
It's hard for me sometimes. I'm so different, but I look so much like them. Most
of the time I don't even think about it, but sometimes when I'm sitting in my
fortress alone, looking up at the stars through my telescope, I can't help but
think about it.
When my dad told me I was from outer space, he gave me this thing. It's a
tablet. I'm not sure what it's for. I held it for a while tonight. It's weird to
know that these things are from my home world. I consider here my home. I've
never known any other place, and yet there is a world out there somewhere that I
came from; a world where I was born.
I was three years old when I landed, or at least that's what they think. I could
be three hundred for all I know. That would suck.
I've also been thinking about Lex a lot. He's become such an important part of
my life. I'm terrified he'll find out about me, but at the same time, I want to
tell him.
I watch him move whenever he's near me. He's so confident and comfortable with
his body. I wish I could be like that.
It doesn't matter. I know I can't tell him. Dad would freak out, and probably do
something very drastic. Sometimes I think dad just wants to hide me away from
the rest of the world and never let me out into it. I wonder what he would think
if I told him that I don't want to be a farmer like him.
~
8:21p
- Where do I go from here?
I'm so shocked right now; I just don't know what to think. Yesterday Jody went
missing. When I say missing, I mean she's gone. Pete went to visit her last night
only to discover that the hospital had discharged her. They wouldn't say where
she went just that she went to another facility.
I just found out a few hours ago that a man I will refer to as Mr. Big owns the
facility. He is Lex's father. Pete and I found out about it earlier today. When we
found out Pete took off. He was angry beyond words.
On top of that, Lana stopped me in the hall to tell me she would be there for me
if I needed somebody who understood what I was going through. What could I do? I
thanked her and told her if she needed somebody to listen, I would be there for
her. I think she suspects something about Lex and me. She wouldn't understand
though. I have no idea what I'm going through, and I didn't want to say this to
her, but there is no way she would understand. I mean, if what Lex and I have
done so far was to become public, even by accident, he could go to jail!
There is no way I am betraying him that way, I don't care how close I am to Lana
or anybody else in my life. If I haven't told Pete (who by the way has been my
best friend since I was four) I would not tell anybody else.
I know they entrusted me with their secret, but it doesn't mean I have to give
them mine does it?
Chloe helped us track down where Jody is. Sure enough, it's some company owned by
Mr. Big, and it's in the city near us.
I had to stop Pete before he did something crazy. I offered to help him get Jody
back no matter who was involved. The drive into town was strained. We didn't say
much. When we arrived at the building, we parked a few blocks away, and after a
little trickiness on my part we managed to sneak in (don't ask how). We stole
some cleaner's uniforms, and managed to blend in until we reached the room where
they had Jody.
The security guards almost caught us because Pete was so busy freaking when he saw
what they had done to her. It was terrible, and I hated seeing it, but I hated
the idea of going to jail more. So I pushed him out of there and we ran as fast
as we could. When it looked bad, I distracted the guards while Pete made it back
to the car.
The drive home was worse. Pete was so upset I had to drive, and I'm not
technically licensed to but what other choice did I have. We made it home safe.
I left Pete at his place, made him promise not to do anything crazy, and then I
ran home from there.
I'm staring at a fax that Chloe uncovered that shows Lex knew Jody was gone, and
did nothing about it.
I called him yesterday and asked if he'd found out anything about Jody yet. I
know he was the one who offered to help, but he lied to me. He told me he was
still looking into it. How could I have done this? I pointed her out to Lex, and
now Jody is in a lab being experimented on, just because she's different. I
don't know what to think.
I'm going over to see Lex about this. He'll have to tell me the truth when I
show him the evidence. I'm not going to be confrontational; I'm just going to
ask him why he didn't tell me about Jody being gone.
~
10:19p - This day just can't get any worse
After everything that happened with Jody and Pete, I went over to confront Lex. I
say confront because that is what I ended up doing, even though it wasn't what I
set out to do. I couldn't help it. By the time I reached the mansion, I was so
angry. I just couldn't believe he would do this to me.
He didn't deny it at all. He was concerned, and didn't want to worry me. I'm not
sure if that is the truth but it rang true when he said it.
I calmed down (with the condemning fax in hand), and then I noticed Lex had a
guest -- Bruce. I hated him on the spot. He's tall, dark-haired, and gorgeous. I
didn't like the way he insinuated there was more to his relationship with Lex
than met the eye.
After the jerk left the room, I couldn't help myself; I grabbed Lex, and kissed
him hard enough to remind him that I'm his boyfriend. When I asked Lex how he
knew Bruce, he admitted they had been intimate in the past. That made me so angry.
I don't know why, but I wanted to go up there, and punch Bruce out on the spot. It
was very irrational and completely uncalled for, but there it is. I guess I'm
the jealous type.
Half an hour after I got home, Chloe showed up. She pressed me to reveal what my
real relationship with Lex is. I just couldn't do it. She was so upset, I felt
bad because I had no idea what to say. She wants somebody to confide in about
her relationship with Lana. She said she hoped that I would be honest with her
since she was honest with me. She just doesn't get that it isn't about her at
all. I would do anything to protect Lex. Anything. He warned me. He hinted that
others would frown on what we're doing.
Chloe has a problem with not being able to show everybody around her how she feels
about Lana. She wants to be able to hold her hand in public, but I don't feel the
same way. It's exhilarating, what Lex and I have. I love the secret we only
share. It's . . . exciting. It's nothing like the other secrets I have. Those
ones terrify me when I look deep inside myself.
So I can't really relate to her. I love lying in Lex's bed, with the knowledge
that only we know what is happening between us. I love kissing him in private.
We still flirt in public all the time. I'm not as good at it as he is, but I'm
learning. It's fun.
In short, I am happy. I told Chloe I would be there for her, but I really don't
know what else to say. I also told her they could show how they feel in front of
me, as long as they don't do stuff . . . I kind of left it at that.
~~~~
10:02p - Just call me a coward
So I picked up my costume for
the party. The one Pete wanted didn't fit him. In fact, it only fit me. I'll be
dressed as the cowardly lion. Pete got the tin man. School totally sucked. My mind
kept going to that friend Lex has visiting. I want to stop by just to say hi,
but at the same time, he hasn't called me so maybe he doesn't want me around.
His friend was so hostile last night. I'm not sure why. I guess it's that Lex
isn't his anymore. Maybe I should stop by. Unfortunately, I can't even come up
with a good reason, not that I needed one before. Still, I don't want Lex to get
mad at me. I'm sure he didn't appreciate how I just barged in yesterday.
I can't concentrate. I have to go over and see Lex.
I hope Bruce isn't staying for the party. That would totally suck.
~~~~~~~~
Friday, October 24th, 2003
12:58a - Burn
I have never disliked anybody
ever before in my life; until I met Bruce. He is a pompous, annoying bastard.
I wish I had some kind of laser vision so I could burn a hole in his (something
I can't type here.)
I just got off the phone. I wanted to talk to Lex but he answered
instead! Who the heck does he think he is? I want to go over there right now,
and force him to leave!
There, I got that off my chest. Now I have to go to bed.
~
12:20a - The party was over before it started.
I hate dressing up. The costume itched, and I looked like an idiot. Everybody
else thought it was great. I thought I looked like a big stuffed toy. I just
wanted to be home as fast as possible. I stood in a corner most of the night
listening to Chloe snark on all the
costumes. It must have been so hard for her. Lana was there with her boyfriend.
I wished I could help her, but I had no idea what to say. This was the thing she
hates the most.
At least there was pumpkin pie, and no Bruce.
Anyway, I am so tired, and I need to take care of myself. (that way)
~
12:33a - Lions don't always roar
I feel so much better now that I jerked off. It was torture making out with Lex
in my history class, but not being able to come.
I feel so horny tonight. The party sucked so I tried to escape by going to one
of the classrooms. Fortunately, Lex found me. I was so happy to see him. We made
out on a desk. I think it was the one Chloe sits in. At one point, I stripped
out of the costume. The shocked look on Lex's face was worth it. I wish I'd gone
naked underneath it, but I know I never would. I'm not that brave.
I guess I picked the right costume after all. Lex didn't wear a costume. He wore
a suit that I wanted to strip off. The more I see him, the more I want - more.
Especially with Bruce here. I wanted to let Lex have me just so he wouldn't
touch Bruce. I know he won't, but I was so afraid that when his older friend
came to visit Lex would want something from him.
Bruce and he have already been there. And I have no idea what there is. I
almost told Lex he could tonight. I was only in my t-shirt and boxers and we
were alone. I don't know what to do, but I know Lex could show me. I mean I've
touched his cock. (still makes me blush to write that) but I want to do other
things with it. I read some stories on line where guys do things to other guys.
Maybe I need to rent some gay porn. I wonder if Lex has some. That seems forward
though. I think I'll just find stuff on line.
~
9:57p - boredom can actually kill
I am so bored. My mom and dad
went to Whitney's parent's anniversary party. I wasn't invited. Whitney still
doesn't like me. He gives me these looks every time I look his way. Maybe he
wants me. That would be funny. He is kind of hot. (I did not say that!)
I want to go see Lex right now! I am tired of that jerk being there. I have no
idea what rich guys do together all day in a mansion, but I don't want Bruce to do
anything with Lex.
I am going over right now!
~~~~
12:33a - feeling like a total loser
I just got back from seeing
Lex. I feel like I can't do anything right. God he should just forget about me.
I am so mad at myself. I mean he spent the whole day dealing with the Jody
thing. They got her out and she's on her way to a private hospital in another
city. Bruce helped. I didn't even thank them.
The visit went horrible. I shouldn't have gone over when he was still
there. Nothing went right. I tired to be all flirting and stuff, but I just
couldn't do it right. I was the one that suggested we go for a swim, but when
push came to shove I freaked. I guess it was because he was still in the
house somewhere.
I suck at this so much. Maybe I am in way over my head.
I told him I wasn't ready. I told him I thought that if I gave him something
more, he wouldn't want anybody else. I don't get it. I don't understand why he
wants me. I am so confused.
It was too much too soon. I think I'm going to go for a run.
~~~
10:29a - another day in paradise
I am so tired this morning. Yesterday was such a hard day. I woke up early and
did a million chores to get my mind off the last few days. I kept going back to
how I acted. It wasn't the best reaction to the situation, but I can't help how
I felt. I don't know where it came from; I don't know why I did it. I have never
felt this way about anybody. I don't know where it comes from.
My mom spent most of the morning baking so I helped her. I almost opened my
mouth to ask for advice a million times. But what was I supposed to say? I mean
I guess I could have just faked that it was about Lana, but I was just to afraid I
would slip up and blurt out Lex's name. (I can't refer to him as just initials
anymore) Then where would I be.
She did ask if I was all right. She did try to get me to talk, but I just told
her other stuff, like the fact that Lex helped me with that girl and then didn't
even tell me about it. I did mention Bruce but only by his first name. She just
commented that it was nice to see that Lex had other friends. I had nothing to
say to that.
I finally couldn't take it any longer so I took one of the pumpkin pies, and
told mom I was off to spend some time over at the mansion. She just told me to
be home by 11 since I had school tomorrow.
I walked over to the mansion. When I got there, he was in the gym working out.
It looked like he was working off a huge amount of frustration. I guess that was
my fault.
He didn't hear me come in since he was listening to music with headphones on. He
looked so good all sweaty and hot. When I inhaled, I could smell him, and it was
so sexy. (I have it so bad) He just smelled primal. How he manages to do that is
a mystery. I was half-hard by the time he noticed me. Good thing I had my long
flannel shirt buttoned up. It covered any evidence. After all, I wasn't there to
jump him.
We went and sat down to talk. Lex was still all sweaty. It was driving me nuts,
but I managed to stay calm enough.
I didn't even know where to start. I wasn't sure why I had done what I did. I
know it had to do with Bruce. He was so intimidating and so gorgeous that even when
Lex was telling me how much he cares about me, a voice in the back of my head
was telling me it was only a matter of time before Lex got bored with me. I
don't even know why. I mean he's proven repeatedly how he feels.
I guess I was carried away with the idea that somebody found me attractive. I've
felt like such a freak my whole life; it's hard for that to go away overnight. I
feel at a loss when he tells me how attractive he thinks I am. I've never had
that before (except of course my mom).
We talked for a while and it made me very uncomfortable. I just didn't know the
right words. I wanted to cry. I was so terrified that he would tell me to get
out and never come back, but he didn't. I wanted to hold him the whole time we
talked, but his body language told me to back off.
We agreed that we should slow down, and that I should be the one to pace things.
I know what I want, and I should not let anybody turn me away from that. Not
even myself.
I love Lex and I know now that he will be there, and he will not just end things
with me because. . .
I was so relieved when we finally kissed. It was the most wonderful kiss ever.
So beautiful and it made my heart pound. It was the first time where I kissed
him and it felt like something more than sexual. It felt emotional and spiritual
and so many other things I don't even know how to describe. It wasn't just
passion this time; it was something more.
This has become something more for me. Looking at Lex, after we talked, I just
feel different. For a minute, I could believe that he did want me. I saw it in
his eyes and that makes me feel different. I think it's because I'm feeling this
way about him that the thought of him with someone else made me so crazy.
God this just totally sucks, and it's not coming out right at all. I don't know
how to say what I feel. It just is and maybe I need to think on it more.
~
10:52p - Mad as heck
I just don't know what to do.
I thought I could trust him, but then I find out that while that jerk was
staying at the mansion he kissed Lex! I found out by accident. If I'd never
stumbled on it, (yes I read his email and i shouldn't have, but that doesn't
compare to what he did) Lex never would have told me about the kiss. All I could
think was that if it was only a kiss, he wouldn't have lied.
He said he was trying to spare my feelings. Right! How was that supposed to
spare my feelings? And Bruce was so smug, saying that I wouldn't understand. Of course
I wouldn't! What's to understand about that self-righteous jerk throwing himself
at MY boyfriend when he knew about me!
He slept with him, I just have the horrible feeling that he slept with him. That
e-mail implied more than Lex was telling. Lex says nothing happened, but god,
he's already lied before. How am I supposed to believe him?
I'm so upset right now; I smashed a hole in the side of the barn when I got
back.
DAMN!
He touched him, and Lex let him keep staying there.
I can't do this. I'm going to hit something very hard - right now.
~~~~~~~
2:01p - feeling like a fool
I've had time, and a few
broken - things since I stormed out of the mansion. I feel like a complete
idiot. I should have believed Lex. That other guy who I now officially
totally hate, is not the one I should believe. I know that, but what do I
do? I can't expect Lex to just say 'it's fine come on back to me.' I would throw
me out on my ass if I was in his shoes.
What do I do? Please help me. I need to figure out how to fix this, and I don't
have anybody I can go to. I have nobody to confide in except you guys. Even if I
can just get his friendship back that would be better than feeling like I just
hollowed out my chest.
~~~
9:03p - Nothing resolved and nowhere to go
I guess I have somebody to
confide in now. I didn't mean for it to happen but . . . I wasn't sure why I
told her. I guess she just made me feel like I could confide. She didn't push,
and she wasn't too shocked.
Maybe I do look gay; whatever that means.
I have read all the comments you've left. After all, I did ask for advice. Only
one problem; I'm too afraid to go over. I went by to drop off the produce but he
wasn't around so I left as soon as I heard he was in a meeting. He's very busy
so I guess I'll just wait until I run into him or something. I know nothing will
be resolved this way, but this is the only way I know how to deal. All my life,
whenever my dad and I have fought we just avoid each other until one of us talks
to the other. It's so much easier that way, but I know I won't be able to get
away with that when it comes to Lex. He's not my dad and I can't handle him that
way.
School was weird today. It felt like everybody was staring at me when I walked
by. I know it's just paranoia, but sometimes I feel freakier than usual.
After class, I went over to the coffee shop in the hopes that Lex would be
there, but he wasn't. I feel like a big idiot more and more each day.
When I think about the wording of the e-mail I saw, I realize I shouldn't have
jumped to the stupid conclusions I jumped to. The part that got to me the most -
let's see if I can remember it...
Things will be as they were, as if it never happened, and we can forget. That
is my wish. Also, I dare suggest that
Clark does not have to know.
It just makes me sad to know that if I'd never accidentally read this; I never
would have known what had happened. I know I have my secrets, but they aren't
secrets about lovers and they would never affect this part of our relationship.
Okay, maybe I'm not as over it as I thought. I need to see if I can call him
tonight, or I should just go over there. Mom has been bugging me lately. I don't
think she suspects but she keeps giving me these looks. Which totally creeps me
out since moms seem to know everything.
~~~~~
1:15a - groveling works
Well, it worked. I groveled.
I went over there unsure of what I was going to do or say. It was hard, the
hardest thing I have ever done. We talked for a bit, and then when I just
couldn't find the right words, I got on my hands and knees and crawled to him. I
crawled into his lap and begged him to tell me what I needed to do to make
things right. At that point, I would have done anything.
We know we haven't solved the problem, but god it felt so good to just hold him,
and be close to him. He smelled like home. I'm tired now. Maybe I'll write more
tomorrow. All I know right now is, he's talking to me again, and I just spent
the night on my knees.
At least the stress is gone.
~
10:56p - more of yesterday and some of today
Yesterday when I went over,
Lex was asleep on the sofa. I woke him and it wasn't easy. He was glad to see
me, but at the same time not thrilled. I guess that goes without saying.
We talked and I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the right words. I
tried, I really did. And then he told me he loves me. He said the words. The
ones he told me are hard to get out. When I said them back, he told me he didn't
believe me. That really hurt, but I understood why.
When I crawled into his lap, it felt so good; so right. I wanted to be closer to
him. I needed to be closer, and I have to admit, I was so glad when he said he
didn't want to talk about it anymore right then.
I also told him I didn't want to share him with anybody at all. Anybody!
And now, for the bad news. I saw Lex today. (Good part) He told me Bruce, and he
will be meeting a lot in the next few weeks for business. (Bad part) His dad
arranged it. I was cool about it. I didn't freak. I told him I understood and
then we kissed and stuff.
But the truth is
I hate it. Why does he have to do this? I mean I know why he has to do it but
still... He told me he wanted me to know right away so there would be no
misunderstandings. I get that. I don't have to like it, but for Lex, I will show
him that I have faith in him.
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