05:32 pm
Attempts at normal
It's been so long since I wrote in here. So much has happened, and yet I couldn't bring myself to write any of it down, because if I did that would make it all too real.
Lex broke up with me a while ago. It's so complicated I can't even wrap my mind around everything that's gone wrong and how I got here, alone again. I haven't spoken to him since he told me that he thought it would be best if he went his own way. I keep thinking there was something I could have done differently. I don't know that I blame him. Being with me isn't easy. It hasn't been easy.
I'm driving my parents crazy. I dropped out of college, and I don't know where I want to go from here. One day at a time. One step at a time.
Chloe's supposed to come over. I'm surprised she agreed, but I guess she's gotten over what Lex did to Lana. I'm not in the mood to see her, but maybe it'll get my mom off my back.
~
01:14 pm
Inescapable truths
I had another nightmare about Zod last night. I've been having them since Lex left. In this one, I joined Zod on his quest to make earth into our home world. I knelt before him and became his willing slave. The whole time Lex was possessed by Zod and held me captive, I kept thinking that my Lex would overpower Zod. Even after Zod told me that Lex was dead, I held out hope. I lay awake at night thinking about the first time Zod forced me to have sex with him. I think about how easy it was to just pretend that it was Lex I was sharing a bed with. I wonder if maybe I didn't try harder to escape. Maybe I wanted deep down inside to be with Zod just so I could be with Lex. I can lie to my parents. I can lie to my friends, but I can't lie to myself. I tell myself that I was just biding my time. I was waiting for the right moment to strike, but I wasn't. I just wanted to be with Lex. I gave in because Fine was right. There was no way I could ever destroy the vessel. If I had used the dagger to do what I was supposed to do, I know none of this would have happened.
I had planned to tell my parents about the weapon, but instead, last night I destroyed any traces of it. Chloe, Lex and I are the only ones who know it ever existed.
Chloe and I had a fight when she came over. She told me that Lana is having nightmares every night about what Lex did to her. I didn't know what to say. She said she wished I'd used the dagger to kill the vessel before Zod had a chance to take control. I know Lana was physically hurt more than any of us, but I couldn't believe Chloe would say that.
We've all been permanently scarred by the events. I wish I could have done things differently. I wish I had known about Fine sooner, and then maybe, I could have warned Lex before he got involved in all this. I know why Fine chose Lex as the vessel. He hated me more than anybody ever has. He hated my father and I paid the price for that hatred. I lost the man I love maybe forever. Worse, I scarred him more than anybody ever has.
I hope Chloe is still willing to help me find all those criminals that Zod let loose on the world. I can't do this alone. I wish Lex was here. I miss him so much. My heart aches when I think of the look on his face as he woke in that field. I hear the words echo in my head -- the words that signaled the end our relationship for good.
I haven't been able to talk to anybody about this stuff, but it feels good to have a place where I don't have to pretend. I shouldn't have stayed away for so long.
~
02:37 pm
Duty calls
I have so much to do today. I'm supposed to go to see this guy Oliver Queen. He's this millionaire that recently moved into the city. I don't really know much about him except that Lois says he's cute, and really arrogant. My mom was talked into organizing a charity ball to raise money for families that were hit the hardest by the blackouts, and she needs a place to hold the party. She's asked me to help her out. My part is to convince Oliver that he should let her hold the ball at his mansion in the city. I almost suggested that she ask Lex if she could use the mansion here, but then I remembered that Lex isn't in town and he's not speaking to me. To say I miss him is the understatement of the century.
Then I'm supposed to drop off some donations to a mission that's helping families who lost their homes. I can't imagine losing everything you ever owned. Our farm was damaged a little, but it was nothing compared to what happened to some people.
It's all such a huge mess. Lois is supposed to pick me up and drive me to this guy's place. Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll crash the car.
I wonder where Lex is. I hope he's okay.
~
08:50 pm
Meeting a new friend
The meeting with Oliver Queen went well. He seems like a nice guy, though I got the distinct impression that he thought somebody older was supposed to show up. When I introduced myself, he looked surprised and made a comment about how I didn't look anything like my mom. I didn't tell him that I'm adopted since I wasn't there to talk about my life. Luckily Lois wasn't there to embarrass me. She dropped me off and went to meet Chloe at the Planet.
Unfortunately, Oliver said that his house was being renovated so he couldn't allow us to use it for the charity ball. He did make a very generous donation. Just before I left, I got the distinct impression that he was hitting on me. I'm probably way off base, but he called me big boy and asked if I was old enough to drink. I was sure he was going to ask me out. He's kind of cute, but totally not my type. Not that I'm thinking about dating again, but there's no harm in noticing somebody is attractive.
When Lois showed up, she definitely noticed how attractive Oliver was. He seemed to like her as well, so he was probably just being polite with me. Oliver was all she talked about on the drive back to the farm. She wouldn't shut up about him. I tried to politely tell her that he acted the same way with me. She even cracked a joke about how he is totally my type: really, really rich and sexy. I guess this means Lois thinks Lex is sexy.
She suggested that I ask if Oliver would be willing to shave his head. Lois has no shame at all. I know she does it on purpose. She loves to make me uncomfortable. My parents love her. There's no way I'm ever getting her out of my life.
~
04:41 pm
An investigation
Chloe called. She's been working on this story for the Planet and I promised I'd help her research. She's coming over so we can compare notes. I hope what I found out isn't true, because if it is, then we're in trouble.
On a horrible note, Lois is here. She came over this morning for 'breakfast' and hasn't left. She went on and on about Oliver all through the meal, and then asked me if I thought she should ask him out. When I tried to get a word in edgewise, she cut me off. I think she just wanted a passive ear. That is something I can do easily, since it lets me off the hook. I don't have to actually listen to anything she says.
I better get my notes ready for when Chloe arrives. This is going to be a long day. I can just feel it.
~
12:43 pm
Impossible Dream
The information was right. Both Chloe and I confirmed that one of the escapees from the phantom zone is right here in Smallville. It's some kind of plant infestation. I'm supposed to investigate strange sightings in the woods a few miles from here. Somebody's body was found suffocated by plant life. Chloe managed to get the coroners report for me. I'm not even going to ask how. The whole story is being kept out of the papers.
I hope I can stop it. I haven't gone up against any of the criminals that Zod let loose on earth. I can't imagine that any of them are going to be happy to see the son of the man who imprisoned them.
I wish I could talk to Lex about this. I miss him so much. I had another dream last night, only this time, it was erotic. Lex and I were in the wine cellar. He had me pinned against the wall and he was inside me. I woke up with a raging hard on, and as I jerked off, I called out his name. Then when I came to my sense, I realized that I was alone, maybe for the rest of my life. I wanted to cry.
~
02:50 pm
He's back!
Lex is back in town and he saved my life.
I went in search of the Zoner again today, after having no luck yesterday, only this time it found me. It was disguised as a park ranger. I had no clue until the vines were twisting around my neck. By then it was too late to do anything. The thing had the ability to control plants and disable me by impaling me in the chest with wood. I was left to die. I've never felt that much pain in my life. It was agony, and all I kept thinking was that I'd never get to see Lex again. I thought for sure I wouldn't survive.
But I was wrong. Lex showed up and saved me. I was bleeding all over, and Lex practically carried me to his car and drove us to the mansion. I can't lie to myself. There was a small part of me that hoped against everything that he was not just there to rescue me, but that he was there because he wanted me back.
The whole drive to the mansion, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was so beautiful even with my blood smeared on his cheek. I wanted to reach out and clean it off, but I was scared he'd reject me. The whole time, my heart was pounding in my chest. His eyes never left the road. I should have known then that my wishful thinking was just that, but Lex had saved me and he'd held me. That had to mean something. Then the reality of everything came crashing down.
He let me stay at the mansion long enough for me to recover from my injuries. I tried to talk to him about us, but he shut me down. Then I kissed him and I was in heaven. He pulled me closer and pressed our bodies together. It was bliss for a few moments, but then Lex pulled away and asked me to leave. That hurt more than being stabbed in the chest by that tree branch.
I left without a fight.
When I got home, I found Chloe waiting for me in my loft. She was the one who went to Lex and told him that we'd discovered the plant's weakness. She knew I didn't want Lex anywhere near this. When I asked her why she did it, she said she was hoping we'd reunite. I told her to stop trying to solve my problems. I know she cares, but I don't want Lex involved in any of this. I have to take care of my mess.
~
08:26 pm
News and family
I can't believe my mom asked Lionel if she could use the mansion for the party. She said he generously donated his home. I get that it's an important benefit, but why did it have to be there? I'm supposed to go. I can't go. I'll have to see Lex. It's not that I don't want to see Lex. Believe me, I want to see him, but after what happened at the mansion, I don't think he wants me there. I can't get the kiss we shared out of my mind. It's all I can think about. His lips are all I can think about. I have to stop daydreaming about him.
I had hoped that this year Thanksgiving was going to be just the three of us. What I'd really hoped was that Lex would be there, but that didn't happen. Instead, my mom invited Oliver Queen to dinner. She said he didn't have any family and when she mentioned in passing that we'd be having dinner, she asked him along. I ended up somehow inviting Lois. I don't really know how that happened, but she always seems to manage to talk me into things. I couldn't invite her without having my best friend Chloe over, which meant that Lana was also there. That was kind of uncomfortable. I hadn't realized how much I was avoiding her until she brought it up in the loft when we were alone.
The dinner table was crowded, but it felt good to have friends and family close. We all said what we were thankful for. I didn't say it out loud, but even if Lex isn't with me, he's still alive and I'm grateful for that. I just wish he was here with me.
~
04:28 pm
Saving the day
The escaped zoner is gone. I caught up with it at the mansion green house. She was going to attack Lex and kill him, but I stopped her in time, but not before she had a chance to tell me how much she hated me and my whole family. She said that she was the last of her kind and that Jor-El had imprisoned her for her crimes. She called me cold and unfeeling and said that all Kryptonians had hearts made of ice. I tried to reason with her. I begged her to stop killing. I told her I'd help her adjust to life on earth. She said she would never stop and that Lex would be her next victim. She left me no choice. We fought and before I could put her back in the Phantom Zone, there was a power surge. I watched as she disintegrated before my eyes. It all happened so fast. I didn't have a chance to stop her from killing herself.
I felt exhausted after the fight, but I didn't want to be found, so I got out of there as fast as I could. By the time I got home, I found Chloe waiting for me. I told her what happened. Even though I'm glad nobody else will get killed, I wish there'd been another way to deal with all this. I need a shower.
~
04:11 pm
Work to do
My mom won't accept my excuse for not being able to help her with the charity ball. She told me that I'll just have to act like a grownup. I stuck my tongue out to prove that I can't. She charged me with most of the workload that requires going to the city. Oliver offered to help me out. We had dinner together last night. He's being really great. I think he might feel a little guilty about not allowing mom to use his mansion. When I told him where it was being held, he got quiet and said he knew who Lex was. I tried to find out how he knew Lex, but all he would say was that he'd once gone to school with Lex. He got this look on his face whenever I mentioned Lex's name, so I let it go.
After dinner we went back to his place. He's got a really cool apartment. I joked about a nightcap. He served non-alcoholic drinks and we talked for a few hours. He's really interesting.
Lois had asked me to slip in some comments about how awesome she is, but there was never an opportunity to mention her or the fact that she thinks he's a hottie. I don't blame her for liking him though. He's a nice guy. He is kind of attractive, and charming.
I have to go to the city to see him again to talk more about the charity ball. When he called earlier, he promised to take me someplace more exciting. He made it almost sound like we were going on a date, which we obviously are not. Maybe I'm just a little bit desperate. I can't help wishing that it was Lex I was going to meet.
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