02:40 pm
Last night
I fell asleep in the hammock last night. Math homework will do that any time, and I was so tired. I've been feeling tired a lot lately and
it's not like it's a physical tired. It's more emotional weariness. I couldn't stop thinking about Saturday night and what happened with
Lex.
I dreamt that Lex kept saying he'd take care of me and that no matter what I did he'd always forgive me. In my dream he was the one that
took control of me and I lay on my back as we had sex. He kept saying he'd always want me.
I was in the middle of the dream when I got woken up by the real Lex. He came to see me late last night. At first I was freaked out because
I really didn't want to talk about what had happened, but he said he was fine. He didn't look hurt. I believed him. I wanted so desperately
to believe him. I had no words, but apparently they weren't necessary. He told me it was okay and then we kissed. Then I turned into a
babbling idiot. Sometimes I think I was dropped on my head. Maybe when the ship crashed my head hit the dashboard and gave me brain damage.
That is if I even have a brain. I might not. I am an alien, after all. Maybe instead of the stuff humans have inside of them I have
nothing. Maybe I'm just a hollow shell programmed to act and react like a human so I can blend into my surroundings.
If that's true then I am doomed because I do anything but blend in. They could have at least programmed me to lie better. I suck at telling
lies.
After Lex left I went back inside and lay in bed for a long time. I made a promise to myself that I would treat Lex way better from now on.
Even if I can't tell him the truth at least I can give him the respect he deserves. My only problem is whenever I'm close to him I feel like
a total horn dog. But I can keep that under control. It's not like I'll die if I don't get sex or touch him.
Yup, brain damaged for sure.
~
11:31 am
Life and other things.
I just got back from voting. Well, Mom and Dad voted. I can't vote yet. Dad lectured me endlessly about it. I think I
nodded in all the right places. I kind of had my mind on other things. Like the new assignment we got in English class yesterday. We have to
write an original poem! This class gets more and more torturous. This totally sucks. We're supposed to write it in the style of one of the
poets we studied and about something we care about.
At least the weekend is over. It felt like it went on forever. Halloween was interesting. The Talon party was fine. I got to see Byron
again. He looked great dressed as the poet Byron. I thought it was a really cool costume. My costume turned out nice. I surprised people I
think. At one point Lana asked if the costume was Lex's idea. She looked really nice and so did
Chloe. Everybody looked nice, and there was a
really big turnout. Even my mom was there.
Yesterday was a quiet day. I had so much homework so I ended up stuck in my loft with my nose buried in books. Dad had to do the deliveries
so I didn't get to see Lex. I'll probably call him today to see if he's up for a movie or something.
I have all day to do the chores. Right now I have to go help Dad in the back field. It must be more broken fences.
~
11:25 pm
I went to see Lex tonight.
I wanted to surprise him, and guess what? He was working. He just never stops. I bet when I am not there to stop him he
works 24/7.
He wrote me a poem. I don't think it has a name.
from Lex
You awakened me
in the corners of my darkness
I have felt it all through me
so that there was no breath
in the soil or the sky
in the grey black of the water
that cut into the already gaping
in the corners I was dark
heavy
until bound
blinded
by
your light
I know you have your darkness
I've seen felt
welcomed you
echoes of dark lit by you
Only with you, in you
do I recognize
both
as my own
We went up to his room and he gave me this piece of paper he had hidden from me earlier. I was worried it was bad news but it was the poem.
He wrote it out for me. I have it by my bed so I can read it whenever I want.
After that, we made out and Lex made me so happy. He looks so great after a hot make out session. After I did some not so angelic things, I
fell asleep on top of him. I wanted to stay with him forever. It was so nice and calm and so peaceful. Except for the drooling part. That is
becoming a disturbing pattern.
~
12:07 am
Oh and
I started my poem and this is what I have so far. I hope people will be nice. It's my first try at this stuff.
My poem by C K
If stars fall and lights shine
You'll be the one I think of
If it's a choice between you
And this world I live in
I know what choice I'll make
I wonder if that would be enough. I showed it to Lex and he liked it.
~
06:21 pm
What kind of person gets cuff links made of meteor rock?
I did deliveries today. Everything was going great. I had a few extra minutes to chat with Lex. Right as I was leaving Lionel stopped me. He
was wearing cuff links with green meteor rocks in them. I wanted to get away so bad, but he kept stepping closer and he wouldn't leave me
alone. He actually asked me if I know what's been bothering Lex. I told him I couldn't tell him anything Lex and I talked about. I wanted to
say more but those damn rocks made it so hard. I thought I was going to pass out. I managed to get in the truck but he wouldn't back off. He
even touched me and commented that I was trembling. It sounded so dirty when he said it. When I got home I had to take a very long shower.
No wonder people are afraid of him. As soon as I got home I told Mom and Dad about Lionel's cufflinks. Dad actually suggested to Mom that
she steal them. There is no way I am going to turn my Mom into a klepto. I'll just have to make sure not to go near him.
This time he kind of sneaked up on me. He's a really quiet man, and totally creepy. I can understand why Lex says all those things about
him.
When I got home Mom was in the kitchen so I rushed up to take a shower. Not only was I dirty from all the chores, but Lex's dad left me
feeling all yucky. Just as I was about to jump in the shower my cell phone rang. That weird hearing thing happened again. I heard it all the
way from the bathroom even though my cell was in my coat pocket and my door was closed. Now my hearing is normal again.
It turned out to be Lex on the phone. He was calling because his dad told him I was sick. When I said I just had a sudden headache he joked
that Lionel has that effect on people. Just before I hung up I had the sudden urge to hear him say 'I love you'. I wanted to feel safe. As
soon as he said the words I felt safe again. For some reason it made me very horny to hear him say them. I think that if it came down to a
choice between his dad and me, Lex would choose me. I'm going to call Lex again tonight after dinner, chores, and homework.
Being near those two tiny meteor rocks totally brought home last week when I chose to expose myself to them. I know it was that guy making
me afraid, but this time when I got exposed to the rocks I was so afraid that I would die. I'm so used to being strong all the time. It's
scary to be reminded, in moments like these, that I'm not invulnerable after all.
I think the rocks can kill me. When Lionel kept moving closer to me I thought for sure he'd never leave me alone. He warned me again about
coming over to the mansion so much. I think he wants me to stay away from Lex though I'm not sure why. It can't be because I'm a bad
influence on Lex.
I can hardly think about anything else. The call from Lex helped distract me for a little while, but I keep going back to the other week,
and today, and how vulnerable I felt. I hate those meteor rocks so much. If Lionel ever knew how they affect me and if he ever found out
about me . . . I can't even think that way. It's too terrifying.
I spent more time trying to add to my poem. Everything I did sucked so badly. Lex's poem is awesome. I wish I could use it instead. It's not
like anybody would know it was his. I've only posted it here in my journal and my teacher doesn't have access to it. I'm going to give my
poem another try.
Dinner is on. It smells so good and I am so hungry. Must be all that exercise I did in the shower.
~
10:54 pm
Class was torture today.
Thanks to my big mouth everybody had to read their poem out loud and they were not happy about that. It was so
embarrassing. You can bet a lot of the guys in the class let me know how much they disliked what happened. It wasn't my fault. It was the
teacher who decided we all had to read them out loud. I managed to get through the day without the football team skinning me alive.
After class I went over to the Talon to do some homework. I ran into Mr. K. I hadn't seen him in a few days. It was nice to talk although
when the conversation strayed in the direction of Mr. Big I changed the subject as fast as I could. It wasn't fast enough for my taste. I
had almost forgotten that Mr. K had once done things with Lex's Dad. Those kinds of things, and I think I am traumatized for life.
Mom showed up so I got a ride home with her. Actually, she let me drive the car. I was so excited I practically abandoned Mr. K, but he
showed up for dinner. It was really nice to have him there. Dad was much nicer and more relaxed. After dinner I had evening chores. Very
exciting stuff.
I did get a chance to ask Dad about Mr. K and Dad's feelings about how Mr. K chooses to live his life. It was an interesting conversation. I
stopped short of asking what he'd think if I was gay. I'm not quite ready for that yet, but I have more hope now. Dad still seemed a little
uncomfortable but I pointed out that what he does in private isn't really anybody else's business and he's a good man no matter what. I
really wanted to ask so badly. I was so close. It was on the tip of my tongue. But I was too afraid he'd hate me.
The rest of my night has been really kind of boring. Okay, my whole night has been boring. At first I wanted to be alone. I felt like having
some time to think, but then I got bored of thinking so I strung all the safety pins in the house together. Then I did some stargazing. The
sky is so bright tonight and the stars are bright. I love to imagine that there are other worlds up there and that maybe they are looking at
me with their telescopes or their eyes. Maybe they are wondering the same things I'm wondering. I wonder what they would think of earth.
Then I shot some hoops. After that I decided to write more poetry but it all sucked and I ended up with a pile of paper balls that made
great basket practice with my waste basket. Back to making paper and wire sculpture.
~
11:12 pm
I spent most of today with my best friend.
I just got home from hanging out with Pete. We spent almost the whole day together. It had been a while since we'd done stuff. We had a
great day. I went over after chores and the market. We had lunch then shot some hoops. We were alone since his parents were out of town and
his brothers were all away for one reason or another. He kept telling me not to hold back. It's so funny to see his face when I jump thirty
feet in the air and make a basket. I love it. I love being me in front of him. I've been doing it all my life in front of Mom and Dad but
this is different. Pete doesn't have to love me the way my parent do. He still accepts me the way I am.
Last night after I posted that totally boring post, Lana stopped by. I have to admit it was nice to see her outside of school. We haven't
really spent much time together besides school or when I see her at the Talon. I told her about what happened with Lex. It was so nice to
have somebody to talk to about it. I feel so lost sometimes. Most of the time it's fine but then I'll really think about it and then I start
to freak out. It always happens when I'm alone.
I told her about almost telling Dad that I'm gay, and she agreed that I should probably not tell my him right now. The best was when she
said she thinks Lex and I are good for each other. It made me feel so good inside to know that she saw this about Lex and me.
I am actually very tired tonight. Pete kept begging me to run to the end of the county and back so that he could time me. I think I ran
faster than I've ever run. It was interesting.
Now I need to pass out.
~
10:32 pm
This is the day.
I had a great day today. I spent all morning and afternoon with Mom. She had a lot of work to do and I had a ton of
homework. I am very sure that my teachers are trained in the art of torture.
Later Lex called me so I went over and we played some pool. I totally did not cheat even if he says I tried to push the balls in behind his
back while we kissed. It's not true. At all.
It was great to have a relaxing late afternoon. I stayed for dinner. We had steak and it was great. Then we snuggled by the fire and talked
about me moving in with him. Kidding. I bet that would totally confuse Dad. I can just see it now.
'Dad. I need to move into the mansion with Lex.'
'Why son? Don't you see him enough already?'
'Because I need to be close to his cute butt.'
That would almost be worth it just to see Dad get all confused. Or, even funnier, Dad might say yes.
At least I did all my homework. Now I'm going to do some reading.
~
09:25 pm
Strange and unusual
The most bizarre thing happened at school today. This guy in my gym class died of sudden rapid aging. We were in the pool, doing swim
practice. I'd just beaten Pete and was up against Troy next. I was totally nervous because Troy is really good, but then suddenly he was
drowning and I swam down to the bottom of the pool and when we pulled him out of the water, he was old and dead.
I swear I have never been so freaked. After that I had chills for the rest of the day. I couldn't wait to leave school.
After classes ended I went to the Talon to hang with Pete and a few of the other guys. Everybody wanted to talk about what happened to Troy. I
just wanted to forget.
My town is just so messed up.
Now I have a ton of homework. Yay! For more homework. I feel so uplifted to know that my teachers love to pile on the homework. At least it
looks like spirit week is going to be great this year. I saw Lana and Chrissie making posters for it. I've never seen anybody throw so much energy
into something the way Chrissie has with spirit week. I bet it's going to be the best one we've ever had.
~
12:55 pm
My wonderful day was ruined.
This morning my parents were talking about how we can't make ends meet. No matter what we do, we always come up short,
so Mom brought up a subject we never talk about. She mentioned that her dad might be able to help us, only Dad totally freaked at the
suggestion. I've never met my granddad in my entire life. I wish I could but something happened and my parents won't tell me what.
After Dad closed the subject completely, Mom gave me the muffins to take to the
Talon. Dad drove me there. He didn't say one word to me on the way. I dropped
the muffins off at the Talon for Mom this morning and just as he promised, Lex was there. Dad dropped me
off and, since I knew Lex was going to be at the Talon, I figured he'd give me a drive to school. I almost jumped in his arms when he said
he'd give me a lift. I really need to control myself in public when we're together.
He arrived at kind of an awkward moment since Lana was showing me these photographs she had just found of her mom with some guy that wasn't
her dad. I tried to make her feel better, but she told me they were taken while her parents were still married. I hope she gets the answers
she's looking for. She's going to talk to her aunt about it.
Anyway, so Lex gave me a lift to school. We kind of pulled over in a secluded spot and made out. It was amazing and felt so good after
everything that's happened. I wanted to do it right there in the car, but I had to get to class. I almost played hooky. With a lap full of
Lex the thought was so tempting.
I ended up being late anyway. Just as I arrived this guy I'd never seen was locking up the gate to get into the school parking. He turned
out to be the new principal. He totally bawled me out. He said he'd be keeping his eye on me. It turns out he knows
Lex. Once upon a time
Mr. R was headmaster at a school Lex went to. Mr. R did not seem to like Lex at all. He talked to
Lex with such a tone of disrespect. I hate
when people do that. It's not right. I wonder what happened back then. I guess I could just ask
Lex.
Now the school is under lock down during classes. That means you have to be on school grounds by the time the bell rings and you can't leave
until last bell in the afternoon.
On top of that, I am on Mr. R's 'bad boy' list as my friend Pete calls it. Totally not fair. I've never been disliked right away by anybody.
Every time I see him in the hallway he gives me this look. It's more like a glare. I keep ducking him whenever he's around. Maybe I should
have called him sir.
~
06:21 pm
I can't even find the words.
I just met my granddad for the first time in my life! I asked him if he'd stay for dinner, but he wouldn't. Then Mom
and Dad told me why Dad and granddad don't get along. This totally sucks. I want a grandfather. It's not fair at all. This day just totally
sucks.
I'm going to bed and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
~
10:37 pm
It's official.
The new principal hates me because Lex is my friend. Mr. R called me into his office today to tell me I'm a slacker and
the company I keep (Lex) tells him all he needs to know about me. I have never been to the principal's office in my entire life. I'd say
it's unfair, but where would that get me.?
I have to write an essay on where I see myself five years from now. He made Lex write the same essay way back when. I think I killed a tree
just trying to start the first page. I must have gone through a hundred pieces of paper. I have no idea where I'm going to be. Maybe C is
right, who cares about five years from now? I am sure that Mr. R would not appreciate an essay on why it's irrelevant. I better think of
something fast.
I talked to Lex about my situation with my granddad and took his advice. It might have worked, only my dad is the most stubborn man alive.
It totally backfired on me. I'm so bummed right now; I think I'm going for a run.
~
12:05 am
Why can't one of my powers be radar?
I just got back from the mansion. I went for a long run and ended up there. For some reason I feel so safe in the Troy room. By the time I
got to the mansion everything was locked down, but I managed to slip through security and make my way in. I fell asleep on the sofa in the
room and woke up to find Lex's dad hovering over me. He was touching my hair. He totally freaked me out.
Then he chased me off. I was afraid he was going to hit me with his cane. I think he hates me. He knows about Lex and me. Every time I see
Lionel I get this vibe, like he looks right through me. I swear if I didn't know he was blind, I would think he could see. It seemed like he
was looking right at me.
There's this part of me that wants to know more about him. He's Lex's Dad. He raised Lex so some of him must be as good as Lex. I
know he says his dad is not a nice man, but I wonder. I also know I should stay away from him. I'll have to ask Lex if his dad has said
anything to him about me or about us. I wonder if Lex knows whether he approves. He probably doesn't. I bet the fact that I'm a hick farmer
isn't exactly what Lionel had in mind for his son. I bet Lionel would totally freak if he knew about my landed alien status.
~
07:29 pm
I refuse to give up on granddad
I went to see Granddad at his hotel. I brought a family photo album with me to show him how I saw my family. I had hoped that he would
reconsider leaving. I also told him I want us to get to know each other better. I just met him and he's going to walk out of my life. I
can't lose him, I just can't. At first, I got upset when all he did was hand me a check for my Mom, but then I went back and we talked. He
told me he tried to be a part of my life when my parents first adopted me.
Mom talked to me today about what I did last night. Lionel told her he found me in the mansion. She practically begged me to be more
careful. She asked me to talk to Lex about it so I guess I'll have to since I am betting Lionel will tell Lex what I did. Now I am very sure
Lionel hates me.
Mom looked so tired. I helped her with dinner tonight and cleaned up afterwards. I just finished my evening chores and now I'm going to do
homework. I have that essay to write. Stupid essay.
~
08:19 pm
The truth comes out.
I don't have a relationship with my granddad because Mom and Dad were too afraid of how he'd react to me. Once again, my alien heritage
screws up my life. I want so badly to have a normal life. I am trying so hard, but then something like this happens. Mom didn't trust her
own father to keep the big family secret.
At least I got that stupid essay done. I didn't have to hand it in since Reynolds was attacked and sent to the hospital. I can't believe
him. He even warned me not to be late and I saved his life. He'd be a pile of dust if I hadn't gone to the Talon and stopped Chrissie. I'm
going to finish it tonight. I decided I want to be at Metropolis University five years from now, studying Journalism. I better not tell Lex.
He'll probably try to talk me out of it, but that's fine since I reserve the right to change my mind at any point.
I want to see Lex so badly. I can't get what happened out of my head. His dad really isn't that bad I guess. I mean he didn't hurt me or
anything, so maybe I can ask Lex about him. I would really like to try to make things better for Lex. If his dad is there to stay, then
maybe I can help make it more comfortable. Plus, I have been dying to ask Lex what he said in his essay. He said he had to write one for
Reynolds way back when he was in prep school. I wonder if he still has it. That would be so cool.
I wonder if Lex ever thought he'd be living in Smallville dating a farmer. Probably not.
~
10:52 pm
Where did the weekend go?
I am totally avoiding Lex. I don't know what to say to him. Mom asked me to talk to Lex about being more discrete. I thought we were being
very discrete. Pete has not caught on and neither has anybody else at school. I haven't even had a single taunt. I just realized this
yesterday at the farmers' market. Sometimes I'd get bugged by Whitney's friends, but they mostly just ignore me now.
The only conclusion I can come to is that I'm avoiding Lex. I did have a lot of work to do this weekend. Dad and I had harvests to bring in,
Mom needed me a lot, and homework almost killed me not to mention the finals are just around the corner.
Where did the time go?
I only had a few hours late Saturday to hang with Pete. We shot some hoops and he bragged about his brother's new car. Then I cheated and
jumped thirty feet to get the winning basket. It's totally not my fault that he isn't super like me.
Late last night I began to realize that what Mom asked of me bothered me. I know we've been careful. I never act differently with him in
public. We are perfectly normal guys. I try to refrain from touching him, I try to act as normal as possible.
This bothers me so much I couldn't get it off my mind last night. I stayed up late and thought about what I have done all this time with
Lex. I remember every single thing and action, and I can't remember a time where we were not discreet. As long as I don't count my red
meteor rock haze it's fine. I didn't care about discretion then.
~
10:18 am
My night
Was the best night ever.
I got me some. Lex totally, totally rocked like a rockin' thing.
I think I left my socks at his place. I have to get to class.
~
02:26 pm
I love being me!
Last night I was sitting in my loft bored. I needed desperately to see Lex so after hours of debating whether I should just go to bed like a
good boy, or say screw them all and rush over to see Lex, I finally decided on the latter.
I changed really fast and ran to the mansion without stopping. I even managed to jump over the fence and duck every single security measure.
I didn't see anybody at all until I reached Lex's bedroom. It might be a bad thing that I was able to get past his security so easily, but I
am the only alien with super speed on the planet, as far as I know, so I'm not too worried.
Lex was already in bed. He looked so tense and like he hadn't had much sleep. I stripped down to my shorts and slipped into bed. It was way
too hard to resist touching him as soon as I was in the bed. I couldn't even wait for him to wake up, so I woke him with a kiss. Of course I
had to totally embarrass myself by lasting about five seconds, once we were both naked. I was so horny.
Lex was so hot and warm and open. I asked if I could fuck him and, of course, he said yes. I knew he wouldn't say no, but I still thought it
was polite to at least ask first.
It felt so good to be inside him again. It was like a drug that gave me this high I never even knew I'd miss. I stared into his eyes the
whole time we fucked. I wanted to see if I could see what I felt at that moment in his eyes. He looked so happy. I am so happy right now. I
want to shout to the rooftops how happy I am. Pete totally noticed and made the comment that you'd think I got some action last night with
the way I am acting, and he would be 100 % right!
We both fell asleep after that and I didn't wake up until six AM. I managed to rush home and nobody was the wiser. I practically had to rush
straight into chores so I think Dad thought I had gotten up early to do the chores.
Take that Lionel! We can totally be discreet.
~
11:21 pm
What was that?
I think piano playing makes me horny. At least when Lex plays piano, it makes me jump him.
~
02:55 pm
Lex is who I love
Last night I went over to see Lex. I told Mom I needed to borrow a book. She totally bought the lie.
I found Lex playing piano. I had no idea he played. It sounded so good. He looked so good. He said he was thinking about Bruce. I think they
had a fight a while ago and they haven't mended fences yet. Then Lex grabbed me and kissed me as if his life depended on it.
Then I let it slip that my Mom had talked to me after talking to Lionel about my always being over there. Lex got really mad. I never
intended to tell him about that. The whole thing is so embarrassing. I feel like a twelve year old again, being scolded for touching another
person too hard.
I finally have somebody in my life and they want me to touch them and they let me touch them. I keep thinking that my mom or even Lex will
tell me it's over and that I have to stop now before somebody gets hurt. I know it's not because of my strength this time, but I remember
all those times when I sat watching other kids play. They did it so effortlessly and I longed to have somebody to touch. I longed for that
somebody to want me to touch back and I think that maybe Lex suspects I'm super strong. That doesn't turn him away from me. I don't want Mom
to say I have to stop because somebody might find out and tell the wrong people, but she is right, too many people know.
I almost left Lex last night without so much as a kiss good bye, but when I heard that piano start up again I had to go back. I had to touch
him and devour him. I wanted him to be mine. I want him to be mine. I don't want anybody to take him away from me.
~
10:28 am
Hey, Lex
I missed you yesterday when I dropped the produce off. Somebody said you went to the airport? Where did you go? I wanted to tell you that
I'm really sorry about how I acted the other night. I totally trust you.
Yours always,
Clark Kent
~
01:41 pm
So Lex and I have
a date tonight. I'm going over and we're doing something. I'm not really sure what yet. I know he really needs me right
now and I'm willing to give him whatever he needs. I want him to be happy. I don't know what Bruce told him, but it really did a mind trip on
Lex. Maybe face to face he'll be able to tell me what happened.
I just talked to Lex on the phone with some interruptions from the peanut gallery. Mainly my supposed best friend Pete. At least
Chloe was there.
She made things better just by being her. And a hug never hurts.
~
10:21 am
I would have...
...killed him if Lex had died. I am still so angry. I just spent the whole night and all morning at the hospital. I have never been so
terrified in my life. Not even when I pulled Lex out of the water after he purposely jumped off the bridge was I this upset.
Bruce stabbed Lex. He wanted Lex dead. He went to the mansion and purposely stabbed Lex. Bruce had something in his system, but, still, he
wanted Lex dead. I can't even imagine how Bruce is going to feel once he's recovered. Lex still hasn't said anything. He's been in surgery
and now he won't wake up. I've never seen him look so pale.
I ran so fast I thought I would take flight for sure. I wanted to kill Bruce. Bruce is Batman, that vigilante in Gotham. Bruce is a
vigilante. That is so wrong on so many levels. How could he do those things? How could he be that way? How could he be a bad guy?
I totally trashed the front door of Wayne manor. I am so tired right now. I ran to Gotham then chased down Bruce a.k.a. the Batman. Just
before I left to run back home, Bruce regained consciousness and I told him Lex was going to live, even though I didn't know if Lex would
live because when I left him at the hospital it looked like he might not live. This is not making any sense. I want it to be undone. I want
it to be over. I want Lex to be at home with me. I want it to be yesterday so that I could go to the mansion soon and not be late like I was
last night, and maybe have saved Lex sooner or stopped Bruce. I want our date to have happened. I want us to be sitting by the fire sharing
kisses and talking softly. I want Lex to not have a collapsed lung or a hole in his body.
When I told Bruce Lex would live, Bruce was disappointed. I wanted to punch Bruce's lights out. I wanted to strangle him on the spot.
Lex almost died.
I need sleep so badly but I can't sleep. I have to be there when Lex wakes up. I have to see his eyes. I have to see that he's going to be
okay. I have to see it for myself.
I hate Bruce so much. I cried all the way to Gotham when I ran there. Dick and Alfred took care of it. I brought Bruce back to them and they
helped him. I hope Bruce is okay. I can't call to find out. I don't really care. I just care that Lex is okay. He lived through the surgery.
My heart almost stopped when the doctor came out to tell us how it went. For just a second I thought he was going to say that Lex had died.
Mom ordered me to come home and take a shower. I'm covered in Lex's blood. I needed to get this off my chest. Now I need to take a shower
and I need to kill Bruce. Then I need sleep. No. First a shower and then sleep and then I kill Bruce.
I know it wasn't Bruce's fault. I just want it to be over, now.
I am going to shower then I am going back to that hospital and I don't care what anybody says. I am staying with Lex. I am not going to let
anybody stop me.
~
09:39 pm
So
My date with Lex didn't go very well last night. Unless you consider finding your boyfriend with a punctured lung a
good date.
Last night I had to rush Lex to the hospital. Somebody attacked him. He was in surgery for a few hours but he's stable now. He's not awake
yet. I'm going back to see if he'll wake up tonight.
~
06:54 am
I can't take it any more
Last night Lex finally woke up for a few minutes. I didn't know what to say to him. He did something I've never seen him do, he cried. It
wasn't like he sobbed and I don't even think he realized he had tears in his eyes. It was only one tear but that one tear haunted me as I
ran from the hospital.
He actually tried to sit up once he was awake. His eyes went wide and he said Bruce's name and I could see him remembering. I don't even
know exactly what happened with him and Bruce, but it must have been really bad for Lex to react this way. He said he wanted to talk to
Bruce. I told him he'd have to wait until he was recovered.
At one point Lex said that I told Bruce. I have no idea what he was talking about, but I hope I didn't say something to Bruce that made him
attack Lex. I can't even go there.
After that he fell back into a comfortable sleep. They have him drugged and filled with tubes. There are tubes everywhere on his body. I'm
so thankful that they can keep him sedated.
I left after he fell asleep because I couldn't stay there any more. My eyes were on fire. I wanted to destroy something, anything. I did. I
ran to the old abandoned Taylor farmhouse. I destroyed every single thing I could see. Every board, every brick crushed between my fingers
and it wasn't enough. I think I screamed loud enough for the whole county to hear.
After I demolished the house I burned it to ashes. When I was finished my whole body was shaking and I was covered in ashes. It wasn't
enough to take away the pain. But it was enough to stop me from running to Gotham and totally destroying that underground room Bruce made.
I headed home after a while and on the way I ran across this old three story building. I think Lex owned it. I destroyed it completely and
then I almost felt better.
I think I'm going to go insane. I didn't sleep much last night. I'm so tired. When I got home I changed really fast so Mom and Dad didn't
see what I looked like all crazy and covered in ashes and debris. I stayed in the loft all night.
My hands are shaking right now and I need something to calm me down. I need more sleep. I'll never tell anybody what I did.
The funny thing is I forgive Bruce. I know it wasn't really him. I know he didn't mean to do it.
I feel much better now. I think I can sleep.
~
01:12 pm
I can't believe
All the things Bruce has done as Batman. I tried to call him ten times yesterday. He refused to talk to me. Now that Lex is in better,
stable condition, and I vented in a big way, I have to try something else. Anger and destruction didn't do anything except trash a few
buildings. I feel so much better after a good night's sleep. I didn't dream at all and I woke up feeling like things are going to be fine.
Now I just have to figure out how to fix things between Lex and Bruce. I know Lex cares about Bruce. He even asked if Bruce was okay when he
first woke up. That says a lot and if Lex can forgive me for my red meteor rock rampage I know he can forgive Bruce.
I spent yesterday morning catching up on chores with Dad. He's really being understanding. I don't know what Mom said to him, but he hasn't
once complained. I have so much work to do when I get home today.
~
11:55 pm
It's been one of those days.
I did it. I called Bruce. He stayed on the line a lot longer than I thought he would. He told me he was infected with something. It made me
think of when I wore the school ring. I didn't try to kill Lex then but I hurt him. It seems neither Bruce nor I are good for Lex.
I practically begged Bruce to come to Smallville to talk to Lex. I told him Lex deserves to know what actually happened. I asked Bruce
straight out if he meant whatever it was that he did to Lex. I only know about the stabbing but I know for sure way more happened. Lex won't
tell me what Bruce said, but I have a feeling it was really bad. Just from the few things Lex has said about it, I can tell more went on
than he's saying.
Bruce doesn't want to be forgiven but I told him that I forgive him and that I know it wasn't him. I tried everything I could think of to
make Bruce realize that he has to talk to Lex soon. I even brought up his night habit. I can't believe some of the things he's been doing. A
whole building fell on him! He could have died. The stupid ass! He's not invulnerable like me.
Moms have a sixth sense for sure. At least my Mom does. She found my torn shirt from the other night when I went one man wrecking crew on
those buildings. I guess I should have burned the clothes I wore. She saw on the news that the Taylor house had been burned, but I can't
believe she figured out that I was responsible for what happened to the Taylor place. I didn't care that she knew. She tried to find out
more but what was I supposed to say? I did it because it was that or trash Bruce. I can't ever tell anybody about what Bruce did. Lex asked
me not to and I will keep that promise forever.
I went to see Lex tonight. He's back home. He still looks so tired and I could only stay a few hours since he got tired so fast. At least I
could be closer to him and kiss him now that we're in private. He had a nurse there but she was on call so I only saw her when I first came
in and as I was leaving. I didn't tell Lex about calling Bruce. Lex just didn't seem up to hearing that right now. He seemed so fragile. I
wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him I'd protect him from everything, except I can't protect him all the time.
Before when Lex first woke up he said that he would never hurt me. I didn't understand why he'd say that. I keep thinking about how Bruce
said he'd never hurt Lex. What's that old saying; you always hurt the ones you love?
~
03:04 pm
I almost blew it.
I just had the biggest fight with my best friend. We were hanging out in the Torch office at Lunch time. Everything was
fine then suddenly he starts to talk about Lex. He asked me what was up with me spending so much time with
Lex.
Now Lex has always been a bone of contention between us. Basically Pete, my friend, hates
Lex. It's this old history that really has nothing
to do with Lex, just mostly his father and Pete's family.
I almost told Pete exactly what Lex means to me. I was seconds away from blurting it out. I was so angry with his attitude. I can't even
believe he doesn't understand how hard it is and how important Lex is to me. Even if I wasn't dating
Lex I would still have freaked out over
finding him almost dead.
Just as I was about to shout it in his face that I'm dating Lex, Lana and her friend Beth walked in. needless to say I was beyond happy for
the save. If I'd told Pete the truth there is no telling what he would have done or said.
I am so frustrated right now.
~
08:17 pm
This is starting to become a habit.
I can't believe I had to go to Gotham again. Lex went to see Bruce yesterday. I feel so tired right now. It's been a total crap day at
school. At least Pete's talking to me again. I knew he'd act like nothing had happened. I didn't bother to push him on the Lex issue.
There's no point. He'll never get it and I just don't care right now.
I only care that Lex is taking care of himself. He isn't. I should have known I would have to have him locked in his room or strapped to his
bed. He flew all the way to Gotham just to see if Bruce meant the things he'd done. I wish I'd told Lex what Bruce told me the other night.
I guess even if I had Lex still would have wanted to hear it from Bruce. I get that. I get that he wanted to stare into Bruce's eyes and
hear it for himself. I just wish Lex had waited until he was better.
On the drive to the airport Lex asked a few questions and I dodged. I omitted like I always do. I think he must know that I'm not normal. He
made a comment about how he could believe that I could take down Bruce.
I don't know what to do or say to make things better. I think that only time will make things better. Or maybe I'm just being naive. I want
things to be better so Lex doesn't look so tired and beaten down. Last night on the flight home he slept the whole time and I watched him.
He looked so young and so fragile. I couldn't believe it was Lex laying there in that seat. His mouth looked so soft and the scar on his lip
stood out, harsh and stark. It says nothing good about me that I wanted him right there and then. I didn't do anything about it until I got
home, alone. Then I jerked off twice to wicked dreams of me topping him on that seat.
I left Lex at the mansion. By the time I got home Mom and Dad were asleep. I think Mom trusted that I would take care of Lex. I told her
this morning that Lex and I flew back from Gotham together in his private jet and that Lex slept the whole way.
My mom is just so amazing. We talked yesterday just after I got back from school. At first it was over an evil pencil but then I told her
about Pete. I'm so glad I have her to talk to about this stuff. I'd go insane if I had nobody. I have Chloe and Lana but it's not the same.
I've always been so honest with Mom. She's always the one I go to when it comes to personal stuff. Ever since I can remember I have felt
more comfortable talking to her. Not that talking to her about my sex life is all that easy. I usually don't, but at least I can talk to her
about what it's like to be with Lex and have nobody around me get it.
~
10:05 am
A quiet night and a quiet day.
So I'm home today because of the holiday. Of course this doesn't mean that I get to relax. I still have a ton of chores to do. I told Mom
and Dad that I'd take care of everything. Dad can't leave it alone. He came out in the early morning but I ordered him to get back inside.
Now I'm in my loft, taking a short break. I actually don't mind the work. It helps me take my mind off things.
I have a lot to think about. I went by the mansion last night to see Lex and he was asleep. I knew it was a long shot, but I thought I would
try anyway. I did talk to his dad. He was really nice. He even offered me a drink, which I turned down of course. I realized something as we
were talking. He really cares a lot about Lex. I could hear his concern for his son in his voice. Maybe things between them can get better.
He actually said and I am quoting here. 'My way of showing gratitude is to remain clear of your friendship with
Lex (only he said his real
name which I won't put here).' He said he knew that if he gave me a gift to thank me, my father would just make me give it back. I still
haven't figured out why Dad hates him so much.
Maybe living with Lex has changed his dad. I hope so. I really want Lex to be happy and I know that this is one area where he's just not
content.
I almost asked Mr. Big what their plans were for the holiday, but I just couldn't.
Now I have to get back to chores. Every once in a while I go to the kitchen to smell all the good food my Mom is cooking. I am so hungry I
might just sneak something when her back is turned.
~
11:15 am
Nights spent like this.
I shouldn't be shy or embarrassed around him anymore but last night I was. I came over, after dinner with Mom and Dad, to see if
Lex needed
anything. Mom sent me with some food and pumpkin pie (which we just ate this morning for breakfast. I ate most of it.
Lex had two pieces
which means he must be feeling much better.)
Last night he was alone. The mansion was completely empty except for him. I found him asleep on the sofa in his office. He looked so
peaceful I hated to wake him, but then I would have sat there waiting maybe all night. He was so tired.
After I woke him we put the food in the fridge and went upstairs to crash some more. I was tired from my heavy day. It felt good to drift
off to sleep by his side. I'm not sure when I woke up but I was so horny and in my sleep I had pushed up against him and I was humping his
leg. That was so embarrassing and really not the most graceful way to wake him up.
Lex was already sort of awake. My movements must have done that. I was going to go to the bathroom to take care of it but he asked me to do
it right there in front of him. I am very sure I blushed the whole time, but it was so hot and I stared into his eyes during most of it. He
never once made me feel weird.
I love when he touched my hair. It's so sexy and it made me even harder. I took almost nothing for me to come especially with the object of
my fantasies right there beside me, urging me on. I wished I could have done something for him but he is still in really bad shape. I plan
on giving him a ton of sex once he's up for it.
After I cleaned up and we kissed we fell asleep again and I didn't wake up until early this morning. I wasn't too worried since there's no
school today. I called Mom to let her know that I was staying with Lex at the mansion.
Lex is sitting across from me and I'm typing this on his laptop.
I guess I can say for sure that I have a lot to be thankful for. I have parents who love me and I have somebody special in my life.
Now we are going to lounge for the rest of the day.
~
12:50 am
I did it
I told Lex. I told him that I'm an alien.
He was asleep at the time. I wanted to tell him so badly all night. The words were in my mouth, begging to be spoken, but I couldn't do it.
I couldn't. I was too scared. I sat there and he said stuff about Bruce and how Bruce hurt him and how he hurt Bruce. It's a vicious circle.
Lex said Bruce looked at him like he was an enemy. I said I could never do that, but how do I know that's true? That red meteor rock made me
act out and in some ways it's the same as what happened to Bruce. I wasn't in control and neither was Bruce.
I'm an alien. How do I know I haven't already unknowingly caused Lex irreparable damage?
I think I'm going to be sick.
What if I hurt him way more than Bruce ever could? He's already been hurt so much. He's not invulnerable like me. He looks so spent and
completely drained. He looks so human. I want him to not be hurt ever again, but what I want doesn't matter.
At the same time he looks so beautiful, so pale and I am drawn to him. I can't stay away. I ran to the mansion without a second thought and
I didn't care about any consequences to me. I just needed to see him and know that he's real. I needed to know that it was him, sending
those messages. I needed him. I think that's what it is. In the end I'm the one who needs him the most. I know he doesn't need me. I know he
could go on without me.
I'm so glad I got to touch Lex tonight. I feel so selfish when I say that it made me feel grounded even though I lost a piece of myself to
him tonight. I'll never tell. I'll never say a word.
~
01:41 pm
I really didn't need this.
She's not my mother. There is no way she can be my real Mom. Unless she fell from the sky, which I know she didn't, there's just no way she
could be my mom.
She's so sure I'm her son. The look in her eyes when she stares at me totally freaks me out. She said I was the only kid adopted by United
Charities and that she gave her son up to them for adoption.
I just called Mom. I wanted to hear her voice. She's my real Mom, in every way that counts. I know there is no way I could be Rachel's son,
but she says the adoption papers say I was the only kid adopted from there. What if they make that stick? It's not like we can say to them
"sorry he can't be your kid since he fell out of the sky".
The more I think about this the more it freaks me out. Mom and Dad will know what to do. I'll tell them everything when I get home. I won't
lie to them at all. I want this to just go away. They will think of something.
I told Mom and Dad this morning at breakfast while I made eye toast that I stayed up late studying. I just told Mom when I called her that I
lied to her and Dad this morning. I don't want to lie to them. I hate it. I should have just said what I really did. If Dad knew about Lex
it would be so much easier.
I love my Mom so much.
I should have known when I smashed my alarm clock this morning that it was going to be a bad day.
~
08:45 pm
I am totally
I am so totally freaked out right now. Today this woman came up to me in school, claiming to be my real Mom.
Mom and Dad went to talk to her. I can't stop pacing and breaking pencils. This woman says I'm her son. That she gave me up for adoption way
back when. It can't be true. I have a Mom. I don't want this to be happening.
~
12:18 pm
I can't believe she did this to me
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse I find out my best friend is the reason that woman is in town.
Chloe posted my name on adoption
sites and Ms. Dunlevy responded so now she's here in town and she wants to get to know me. Mom and Dad talked to Ms. Dunlevy last night and
told her to stay away from me. I have a feeling that she isn't going to. She bought a house in town.
I told Chloe to stay out of my business. Maybe she wasn't the best person to confide any of my secrets in. Look what she did with this one.
On top of that Chloe told me that Mr. Big, Lex's Dad, handled my adoption. Is this true,
Lex? Did your father do this? My parents won't tell me
what happened back then. Tonight when I get home I am demanding the truth.
~
07:22 pm
We met before I learned to talk.
Lex and I met for the first time ever when I first landed on earth. I touched him. Mom and Dad told me the story of the day of the meteor
shower and how Dad saved Lex's life. They took my ship and me and on the way home they ran into Lex and Lionel.
I touched Lex on the face. That's what Mom said. She said he woke up for a moment and that was when I smiled and reached over and touched
his face.
This is so amazing. It is destiny. Lex was right. We met when I first landed and now years later we're together. It was meant to be.
The nurse was just here to take a DNA sample to prove I'm not Rachel's son. I have to go to Metropolis to steal it and Pete's coming along
so I can replace my sample with his spit. I just hope this works, because if they test my spit there's no telling what they'll find. Dad is
totally flipping out. I wish I could tell Lex what's happening.
Pete just got here. I better go. It feels funny knowing I'm about to break the law, but at the same time I don't care. I don't want Mom and
Dad to be upset. I saw the look in my Mom's eyes earlier and it made me want to cry.
Once the test results are in, Lex will believe that I'm not his brother. I wish I could tell him how I know that Rachel is wrong. I just
can't say it. I definitely can't say it on the Internet. He's probably totally freaking. I don't know what to say to his last comment. I
know he'll be okay once they give the test results out.
This is all Chloe's fault. Why couldn't she have just left it alone?
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