11:27p - Lana and other things
I spent the day with Lana. We
went horse back riding. It was great. I could be myself, and she seemed very
comfortable with me. It was nice to hear her laugh, and I had so much fun. She
told me that Chloe went to the big city. I told her about mending fences with Lex,
although I didn't give details.
I have to admit she looked really beautiful, and I think I stared a lot. I
laughed a lot too. She is funny when she gets going.
I didn't want to pry too much into her private life. She did tell me that for
Halloween they went to a grave yard and told ghost stories. Then they had a
picnic in an abandoned house. It sounds like she had a great time. I stayed home
and handed out candy to the little monsters.
I'm really happy for the both of them. A part of me thinks that it would have
been nice if something more had happened between Lana and me, but then I wouldn't
have Lex. A very big part of me is very glad I have Lex.
By the time we got back from the ride it was almost five. I had such a great
time. Lana is really nice. I wish we'd gotten to know each other sooner.
Now I am totally bored. I did my homework at least fifty times. I'm not happy
with the essay I wrote for history class. I think I'll have to do it again. I've
been hiding since I got back from riding. I'm not in the mood for chores. It's
given me a lot of time to think about everything that has been happening to me
over the last week.
I haven't seen Lex all day. I want to go over, but I know he has that business
meeting stuff going on. PR hasn't been around lately. I think I'll give him a
call tomorrow to see if he wants to do something.
At dinner my mom talked to me about how to handle it when you like somebody
'like that.' It was weird and made even weirder by the fact that my dad was
there too. It was hard to talk about it so I just mostly listened. I mean, it's
my mom and I know she's thinking of Lana. There's no way she would ever think that
I have turned my eyes elsewhere. I didn't correct her. I just nodded and agreed
with her. I asked a few questions in all the right places, and she seemed happy
with that.
At least they didn't give me more condoms. I haven't even opened the box they
gave me the first time we talked.
Anyway, I'm off to see Lex. He spent the day in the city, and I know he was with
the jerk so I think maybe he needs me to help him unwind. I know just what to
do.
I just went to tell mom and dad I wanted to go out. They were reading the paper.
I think I stayed calm when I saw the picture of Lex, and the jerk on the front
of the financial section. My dad made sure to point it out to me. I am staring
at it right now. They are shaking hands, and the jerk is standing too close to
Lex. I am definitely going over there now!
I will remain calm. I will not run to Bruce's home, and punch him out. There, I
vented. Bastard.
~~~~
2:04a
- Aftermath
I just got back from seeing Lex. It was great!
I found him in his office lounging on the sofa. I caught a glimpse of what he
was doing on his laptop. He has a journal. I only caught part of his name I think it
was tablo - then I alerted him to my presence, and he shut the lid before I
could see the rest.
I don't really want to know what it is; I just thought it was so cool that he
has one too. I wonder if he writes about me.
I was so excited to see him that I jumped him. It had been a long time; well, at
least more than a day, since I'd last seen him. He smelled so good, and we
started making out on the sofa. That is, after I pushed him into it. I couldn't
stop myself. I was so excited, and he was so excited. I almost ripped his shirt
off. Actually, I destroyed it I think. He didn't seem to mind.
All that kept going through my mind as I attacked him was that he was mine, and
that nobody else could touch him but me. Nobody! No matter what his stupid
father tried to pull.
We rolled around, and I went farther than I have ever gone. I let him pull down
my pants and touch my cock. (I am blushing as I type this) it was so amazing. I
loved it. I made a big mess, but he liked that. Then I flipped him over, and
returned the favor. I also tasted him. I licked him all over his chest, and did
this thing with his bellybutton that I'd read about. I know I left a few
bruises. I am upset about that since I don't want to hurt him, but not that
upset.
I was carried away at first because I kind of sort of left a few marks on his
neck where it's not that easy to hide. At first, I didn't even realize I was
doing it, and then Lex pointed out that they would be easy to see. When I
realized I was marking him, I found I liked it. Now Bruce will see them, and he
will know to back off.
I do trust Lex. I guess it comes down to not trusting Bruce. But I trust Lex 100
%.
We talked a bit about his meetings with jerk. I told him I trusted him. I really
do. When I went to leave, I said that I loved him. He said ditto this time,
which is what I expected. I know it's going to take a while for him to say the
words to me again, and I totally understand that.
10:40p - I will not....
Mom and dad are gone. They
went into the big city for a few days to celebrate their anniversary. They're
even staying in a hotel. Which I know means they're doing stuff they wouldn't be
able to do with me around.
I went into town after they left just to hang, and see who was around. Nobody
was. I was surprised. I hung at the coffee shop in the hopes that maybe somebody
would stop by. The only person I saw that I knew was one of the jerks that had
stung me up. At least he ignored me.
I ended up drinking four cups of coffee before I gave up, and went home alone.
Last night when I went by to see Lex, he mentioned something about tabloids. I
couldn't not look. The curiosity was killing me. I wish I hadn't. Right there on
the cover page was this big article about Lex, and the jerk. If you think 'so
what', well the article implied that the meetings were something more than just
business. Which I know isn't really a surprise, but isn't there laws against
slander. I mean they were pretty explicit about what they implied. Stupid media,
Stupid reporters, Stupid tabloids. Hate them all.
I'm betting some of you might know what I'm talking about now. That article is
hard to miss. If any of you do know what I'm talking about and have seen this
article, then I guess you've seen Lex.
There were pictures too, and in one of them the jerk had his hand on the small
of Lex's back like he was leading Lex somewhere. It also talked about this
impromptu party that they held. Lex didn't tell me about that. It was very
suggestive. I am keeping my cool. I am calm about it. I will not say a word, and
I will vent here on my journal.
So why does he have to keep touching Lex? I hope he saw the marks I left. (Take
that Bruce!)
On another note. MMMMM Apple pie. Mom made some today, and it was delicious. I
loved it. Yummy.
Now I have a trillion chores to do, and then maybe I'll stop by to visit Lex.
~~~~
10:39a - What do I do
I've ducked into the
newspaper office to get away from everything. Today, so far, hasn't been great.
On the way to school Chloe and Pete asked what I was planning on doing with my
newfound freedom. I told them that it would be cool to have a party, but that it
would be just a small low key thing. Just them and Lana.
Now for the thing that has been bothering me all night and all morning.
I'm really not very coherent right now so all of this is going to be a bunch of
whiny rambling complainy stuff.
I went by last night to see Lex. I dressed up real nice, and put on some of
dad's cologne. I wanted to be somebody he could be proud to be with. Somebody as
cool as BW. I figured since my parents are away it's not even really sneaking
over there. He was tired so I didn't stay long. I was hoping he'd ask me to
stay, but that didn't happen. In fact, worse happened. I feel so lost right now.
Those tabloid articles that have appeared in the papers have forced him to
resort to drastic measures. I know he's doing it to protect me, but I still hate
that he has to do it. He said he has to have girls around to show that he isn't
into guys.
He also said he didn't want reporters to snoop and discover me. I know he's
trying to protect me but still it hurt to hear him say that. It made me so mad
too. That these people force him to adjust his life so they won't write things
about him.
I hit so many things when I got home after leaving the mansion. I shredded ever
newspaper in the house, and then I did something I am not proud of; I called Bruce
and left a nasty message on his service. I never do stuff like this but I will
repeat what I told him here. 'You are doing a shitty job protecting my
boyfriend. If you had any brains you'd make sure those dumb articles in those
stupid tabloids never got printed. Jerk' and then I hung up.
Not my best moment, but I just couldn't help it. I can't protect Lex and it
hurts that I can't.
When I went to leave he kissed me and it felt so final; so desperate. I ran all
the way home.
~>
7:44p - Whoever said it couldn't get worse, lied.
You know when they say it
can't get any worse. Well they lied.
Not only are the tabloids filled with pictures of Lex with the jerk, but they
have this big article about Lex's past. I couldn't even stop myself from reading
it. Since I can speed read it's pretty hard. Once I look at something I never
forget it.
It said things about how it looks like he's getting back into the colorful scene
he frequented in his younger days. It also mentioned things about S & M. I sort
of know what that is, but I can find out more on line.
It's partly my fault. In some of the pictures you can clearly see the bruises I
left on Lex. I just thought he would cover them up. I didn't think he'd just let
them show like that. I didn't think somebody would get pictures of it.
On top of that Chloe who finally came back from the big city brought some very
candid photos of Lex and the jerk. I almost punched the computer screen when I
saw them. They looked like they were having a nice time. Lex looked happy and
the jerk was touching him in almost every single one of them.
How am I supposed to compete with that? I'm not into all that party stuff. I
don't' know. It's just so confusing.
~~~~~
9:41a - busy night
I am so tired. I spent almost
all of last night at the hospital. An old friend of the family is real sick. He
hid out in our barn last night, and that is where Lana and Whitney found him.
Almost the whole town showed for the little party I had. The house was in
shambles when I got home this morning, and mom and dad had come back from the
city early. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to clean up before they saw the
mess. Even I'm not fast enough for that.
The party sucked. First of all, Lex got me fireworks. Which was cool, but not
wanted. The worst was the fact that he actual brought a date. Some girl who I
hope I never see again. I know he wants to keep up appearances but why would he
have to do that at a high school kid's party? It's not like there was any media
there.
I pulled him aside and we talked. It didn't go very well. I was too upset about
everything else around me, and on top of that he does this. I couldn't take it.
I yelled at him for something that was my fault. I know, not cool, but I was
just so upset. In those tabloid articles they talked about Lex's penchant for
screwing people over, and then moving on to the next person. I couldn't help but
wonder if he would do that to me, and also if he'd get bored of me.
Unfortunately, I had to wonder out loud. I don't even care that he was
disappointed in the fact that I had looked at those articles. That wasn't even
the point. I'm not stupid I know they can't lie all the time in the papers.
Otherwise the lawsuits would put them out of business.
After the fight with Lex, Chloe pulled me aside. We had a nice talk. At first I
wasn't up for it, but then I saw that she was upset so I decided to calm down
and spend some time with her. We didn't get a chance to talk after she got back
from down town. She doesn't like the jerk either. Which made me immensely happy.
She spent most of her time in town chasing Lex and the jerk. She told me the
pictures she had on her computer were for her cousin (who sounds very annoying
btw). She also said she wasn't going to use them for anything. It was really
nice to just talk like that. It cheered me up. I have to remember that I have
friends, and that they care about me.
I have to go. We're going on a class trip to the crap factory. I hope I don't
see Lex. I really don't want to right now. The chances of that happening are
pretty slim since I highly doubt that a class trip is a high priority. I think
Chloe's dad is showing us around. More later.
5:45p - Panic attack
I just finished talking to my
mom and dad. They want me to stay in, but I wish I could go see if Lex is all
right. It's been another harrowing day.
The most horrible experience in the world has to be watching somebody you love
dangle fifty feet above a concrete floor from a scaffold, which could break at
any second. I almost lost Lex today, and I am not ashamed to say that when I got
home, and the reality of the situation hit me I cried.
The friend I talked about earlier who I said was sick came down to the plant,
and held my class hostage. It was so scary. When I tried to talk to him, he just
wouldn't listen.
Lex was so brave. I was in total awe of how he came in, and tried to negotiate
with my friend. Then he did something so heroic, I will never forget it as long
as I live. He exchanged himself as a hostage for the whole class! I think I
loved him in that moment more than I have ever loved anybody else.
He told me to get out too, but I couldn't leave him there. I had to do
something. The plant was going to blow up. God I'm crying again just thinking
about it. When you're in a harrowing situation, you don't think you just act,
but afterwards, when you realize what could have happened, it's terrifying.
When I found what my friend was looking for, he took Lex down to show him. I
know Lex was just as shocked as I was that my friend had been telling the truth
all along. I wouldn't put it past Lex's father to lie to his own son.
My friend shook the scaffolding loose, and my heart almost stopped as I watched
them dangle. I had to get past my own fears, and my own feeling of nausea. When
I pulled them up, and had Lex in my arms I was so relieved I wanted to kiss him,
but obviously, that wasn't the right time.
I don't even know where I found the strength to pull two grown men up. I just
knew one thing; I couldn't let them die. Most of all, I couldn't let Lex die.
After it was all over, I was so glad to see my mom and dad. In the end, the
plant didn't blow up, and I only caught a brief glimpse of Lex as his father
hugged him close. I was so glad to see that Lex wasn't alone. I wanted to go
over and talk to him, but the media was there, and mom and dad wanted to get
home.
Now I'm staring at the TV screen (the news reports on what happened are running
almost nonstop here) wishing I could go to him. I will go to him, but I want to
give him some time to recover. His dad is with him. I'm sure he needs time with
his dad just as I need time with my mom and dad.
~~~~~~
12:03a - Holy shit and fuck
This is only for me so I can just let loose. Big time!
I will never forget the image of some guy on top of Lex having sex with him.
A stranger who looked a lot like me was fucking him. I froze, and just stared at
them. My mind just snapped. All I kept thinking was that it was supposed to be
me above Lex. I wanted it to be me. It lasted only seconds but it seemed like an
eternity.
This was not how I wanted to see Lex naked for the first time.
I have to say, I'm surprised to find out that Lex likes to be the bottom.
My brain needs to be scrubbed right now!
~
12:23a - That image is forever burned into my brain
I just got back from Lex's house. I took my time getting there in the hopes that
I would find the words to tell him how I feel. I wish I had called first.
I will never forget what I found. He was busy, to say the least. I walked in on
the end of him having sex with some guy. They were in the middle of the floor in
his sitting room. The door wasn't even locked. I wish it had been. The first
thing I thought was what the heck; the second thing was who the hell is this
guy? After that, I pretty much freaked and ran out of the room. I didn't go far
because I just couldn't think straight.
Before I found them, I was in the
Troy room thinking, so I went back there and sat in the
dark.
It's funny but you'd think this would make me run as far away as possible from
Lex, but I didn't even think about that at the time. All I could think about was
how glad I was that Lex was all right. I know. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I
could have lost him forever the other day at the plant.
I feel partly responsible for what happened. The other night at the party, I
said something that could easily be interpreted as a break-up. He asked me what
I wanted from him. I told him nothing, and walked away.
When he finally found me in the
Troy room after I left him with his date, he explained what had
happened. He thought I was never coming back. He thought that because I didn't
go see him after the incident at the plant, and because of what I said to him at
the party, that I had dumped him.
I wish I'd gone to see him sooner. It doesn't really matter now. After he sent
the guy packing, and showered, we went up to his room. I held him in my arms for
a while. I told him I loved him. I told him I didn't care about what I saw, and
I told him I want to be with him, but that it would have to be different.
(Admittedly, every time he winced from the pain, it sent a streak of jealousy
coursing through me)
I don't think I'm up for anything sex-like for a long while.
I left him asleep in his bed.
~
5:49p - Happy the man
I love long hard days where
I'm kept busy.
I spent all day today smiling like a goof. Everybody I know thinks I'm insane.
When I got home from school, I did my chores in record time, and then helped mom
with some extra stuff. She kept giving me these looks. Finally when I tackled
her in a fit of giggly tickles she forced me to sit down, and explain what was
up. I just told her I was ecstatically happy. I stretched things a bit
obviously.
I told her that my friendship with Lana was going great. I told her that Lex and I
had a fight last week but that we'd worked it out. She seemed convinced.
I told her I'm off to see Lex tonight to play a game of pool. She just told me
to be home by 12. It really means a lot to me that my mom and dad trust me so
much. Hm, I guess it sucks that I have to lie about the happiest thing going on
in my life.
Also, my friend Pete. He's been acting strange lately. We talked in the locker
room after gym. Total cliché, I know, but it seems to be the only time we have
together any more. I mentioned to him that I wanted to get together for a game
of B ball. He smiled and said sure and that was it. Then he took off, citing
some stuff he had to get done.
~
6:52p
- What I feel
Last night I told Lex I would have followed him to the floor if he'd fallen off
that scaffold. And I would have. Even though I know it could have meant my
death. I was so terrified that he would die. I didn't have my strength because
of Earl and the effects of the meteor rocks on me. I could have died, and I
really don't care. I love him that much. I know that I would do anything for
him. I'd even fall to my death.
When I was at his place last night, I cleaned up the broken glass from the
bottle I dropped after seeing him under that guy. I think back to that, and I
mean, it was easy enough with my speed to clean the mess, but now I just think
it was a strange thing to do. I stood in that room, and just stared at the spot.
It flashed through my mind what I'd seen. How could it not.
I have thought about it; about sex. I mean would I break my lover? I am so
strong now, and I get stronger every day. Once when I was younger; thirteen, I
was crying because I'd broken something. My mom told me that I would learn how
to handle my strength. She pointed out that if I could hold a pen and write with
it, I could eventually do anything just like a normal person. I didn't know back
then what I know now. Mom did.
I hope she's right. I haven't broken Lex yet but I have left bruises. I kind of
like that though. It says mine.
~~~~~
3:37p
- Ask a hard question
Last night was great.
We played a nice game of pool, and talked about nothing in particular. We did a
little bit of kissing, but I found it hard. Every time I kissed him the image of
him with that guy who looked like me popped into my head.
I don't think I mentioned this before, but the guy Lex was with looked so much
like me it was uncanny, and very creepy. I mean they were both completely naked
when I found them. Naked! It's not like I stared at them for a long period of
time. Unfortunately for me, I have a freakish memory. I never forget anything I
see or learn. Although my mom would argue with that.
I want to ask Lex about it. I really tried last night, but how do you ask if sex
hurts. I mean it looks like it would. Especially for the guy on the bottom. I
could ask my mom. She seems easier to talk to about these things. Of course I
won't say it's about sex with a guy. I'll have to pretend I'm asking because I
hope to get closer to Lana.
I think I'll ask mom today after school. She wants my help with some chores only
I can do. It shouldn't be too hard to ask since they already gave me condoms,
and had the talk with me. This will just be a fact-finding mission. Or maybe
not. Knowing me, I'd blush so red I'd explode. I think I'll just forget about
asking mom. She doesn't need to worry about me anymore than she already does.
~
11:53p - Who's calling now
I snuck over to the mansion tonight.
I had to. I needed to see Lex, and mom and dad didn't want me to go out. They
didn't even have a good reason. I mean, just because isn't a good reason, right?
So, I went over without permission. I don't think they heard. I waited until
they were in bed. I feel guilty now. I know I shouldn't go behind their backs
like that.
I just checked, and they're still asleep.
I'm so glad I went to see Lex. He was agitated tonight, and you'll never guess
why. His father. When I was growing up, like other kids, I just assumed parents
were all the same. Lex has issues with his father. I guess not all families are
perfect. I wish it could be for him. He deserves it.
I know one thing for sure. I will not sneak up on Lex again any time soon. He
was so startled when I did it, I felt bad right away. He was even shaking. It
was strange to see that. He's usually so calm and collected.
I held him in my arms until I was sure he was calm. Actually, I just like to
hold him in my arms. So I held him for a while, and soothed him. It seems so
weird to say that I soothed Lex. I mean, he's always painted as such a ruthless
businessman, and here he is letting me hold him in my arms.
It was nice to say the least. I felt so happy holding Lex. I felt like
everything would be okay, and that he was mine to take care of. Since the
accident I feel like we belong to each other. Like maybe all that has happened
so far was fate.
Like Lex said to me 'we have a future together' I agree with him now, and I
won't let anything stand in the way. It's meant to be. I just know it. Something
deep inside me knows it.
Now I need to take care of business.
~~~~~
8:44p - Nice relaxing day
Today was such a nice normal
day; I'd almost forgotten how to have one of those.
PR came by and stayed for lunch. It was so nice to have him here. I don't think
he's been over for a while. After Lunch we just hung out and shot some hoops. We
talked, well he talked I listened. He talked a lot about Jody which was cool.
The way his eyes lit up when he described his time with her; I could imagine
that my eyes light up that way when I talk about Lex. I didn't talk about Lex
with Pete though. I really didn't have much to say that isn't hard to explain.
The cool thing is PR told me he and Jody slept together. He left out the details
thank goodness. Not that I'm not happy for him, I just blush so hard when I hear
sex talk. Even now after everything that Lex has introduced to me. I can't help
it. I just get so embarrassed. He totally picked up on that and left it at
vague. He's so cool that way.
I talked about how happy Lana looks lately though I didn't tell my friend it
wasn't Whitney that does it for her. It was weird when I mentioned Whitney; Pete
got all grim, and asked to change the subject. I wonder what that was about.
Anyway, we had fun. He just went home at around 7 after dinner. He loves my
mom's cooking, and mom seemed real happy to have him over. I think maybe she
missed him almost as much as I did.
I wonder how she would feel about having Lex over for dinner. Speaking of,
somebody sent me flowers. I have no idea who they were from, but they were nice.
Maybe it was Lex, and he didn't want mom and dad to know. I just don't see Lex
as the flower giving type. Maybe the car giving type, but flowers - I guess it
could have been somebody else. What ever, mom told me to throw them out since we
didn't know where they came from, and they were kind of wilty. I couldn't tell
her I thought Lex sent them. That would not go over well.
Speaking of cars, I'm going over as soon as I'm done here. We're going for a
drive. I already asked my mom and since it's not a school night she said it was
fine as long as I got in by 1. I think that is the first time she's given me
such a late curfew.
~~~~~
10:07p - Just Drive
Last night I had the best
night ever.
I talked one of Lex's servants into bringing the Ferrari around. When I went in
to get Lex, he was lost in thought. He came willingly, which was nice. He looked
so tired so I drove. I took him out to a deserted area, and parked. The sky was
so clear, and the stars so bright, I wanted to share it with him.
I lay a blanket out on the ground. He seemed really startled by my actions, but
he joined me. I told him I wanted us to do something that was simple. When he
asked me why I'm so taken by the stars I told him that they take my breath away
just like he does. I'm not really good with romantic words and stuff like that,
but he seemed really blown away by it. I was so glad my idea worked out.
Then I tried to explain how sometimes you just have to make things simple. Like
a kiss under the stars. Simple. No talking, no analyzing, no trying to figure it
out.
It really bothers me is how he keeps telling me he doesn't deserve the things I
give him. Why should he think that? I feel he deserves it. I want to make him so
happy. I wish he would believe me.
It was nice to just watch him watch the stars. We made out, of course. I'm not
stupid. It was so wonderful. He's such a great kisser. Then we tickled each
other for a while. That was fun, and surprising. It was so nice to see him
relax, and just let it all hang out.
I also told him I wished I could protect him from all the things that hurt him.
I know I can protect him from some of them, but things like what his father has
done to him; it's too late. That doesn't stop me from wishing I could.
Then Lex told me his dad was mad at him for what he did at the plant. God what a
jerk. I mean, he leaves his son to die! How is Lex supposed to interpret that?
He sounds like the biggest jerk ever. I would never say that to Lex's face, but
I guess I can say it here. Why would any father want his son to suffer? I told
Lex I thought his dad sucked.
I made the mistake of calling myself a freak in front of Lex. Things got kind of
intense after that. It's just like my LJ name says; freak for ever. I can't even
explain to him how hard things have been for me. How different I am from most
people. My parents say that I should embrace my differences and that they're a
part of me. I guess they're right.
Lex hated hearing me call myself that. I changed the subject fast. It wasn't
supposed to be all intense. I just wanted it to be nice and simple so we made
out some more. Then I sucked the hugest hickey onto his neck. He was more than
happy to allow it.
He told me something that made my heart pound. He told me he belongs to me! I
was so thrilled to hear this. It made me so happy. I told him I love him. He say
ditto which is cool since that is what we agreed on. I don't mind at all. I know
that one day he'll say the L word again. and it will mean so much more when it
happens because I know he will truly mean it.
I was so relaxed that I happily jerked him off. That still makes me blush to see
in words. He looked so beautiful under the stars coming all over my hand. Just
before he came, I told him he was mine, and that I would always catch him no
matter what.
He drove me home. I was so happy I wanted to wake up my mom and tell her all
about it. I just went to bed and jerked off with the vision of Lex in my head.
He's so hot.
~~~~~~
9:51p - I will not look
The papers have calmed down. The stories seem to be taking a back seat to real
news. I'm ignoring them mostly.
This was a pretty typical day for me. Woke up went to school, did about a
hundred chores when I came home. My mom was in a real weird mood. I gave her a
hug and told her I loved her. She looked at me like I'm a freak. Well, not a
freak but you know what I mean. She was surprised but happy.
I delivered the produce today as I do every Monday. I couldn't stay long since I
still had a million chores. My parents are total slave drivers.
Now I'm being a good boy, and doing my homework. Go me. I need to take an apple
pie break. Mmmm pie.
Need to go for a run now.
~~~~~
11:03a - The whole truth
Telling lies comes naturally to me after all these years. I told a lot of them
yesterday. I had no time to write this out and something really big happened to
me.
(I will probably blush all the way through as I write)
When I did the deliveries, I said nothing happened, but that's not quite true.
Lex was very horny. He pulled me into his office, and locked the door behind us.
I didn't even have time to breathe. I was hard so fast it hurt. We started to
make out against his pool table. I grabbed him, and lifted him up onto it. It
got pretty hot. I couldn't help myself. He was just so sexy I pulled off his
shirt, and tossed it aside, and then he pulled off mine.
I jerked him off, which was totally hot, and then he pulled me to the edge of
the table, and sucked me off right there against the pool table in his office.
He got down on his knees, and did this thing with his tongue that gets me hard
every time I think about it. So now, instead of getting hard 50 times a day, I
get hard 100 times a day. He even deep throated me, which WOW, totally rocks. It
was so amazing! He blew my mind away.
He stopped sucking me off, which I wanted to complain about, but I was too
afraid he'd stop altogether, so I didn't. He stood and told me to look into his
eyes as he jerked me off. I couldn't even talk for ten minutes after I came all
over him.
The site of my cock in Lex's mouth was more than enough to erase the vision of
him with that other guy.
~
5:39p - What do I do?
My mom and Chloe suspect
something. My mom had a talk with me last night. She told me to come, and talk
to her if there was anything on my mind. She also told me she has heard me go
out late at night. All those times when I was going out to see Lex she knew
about it. I told her about the runs. I mean it's somewhat true. I did go for
runs some of those times. She doesn't need to know that almost all of them end
at the mansion.
I told her I was just upset over the fact that Lana is not available to me. I
wonder what she would say if she knew the half of it?
I wasn't sure what else to say to her. At least I know that she'll be there for
me for whatever. Maybe I could somehow find out what she thinks about being gay.
I wouldn't know how to that without tipping her off.
After that, Lana called. I couldn't believe what happened. Chloe's dad knows about
them, and he's cool about it! She has such an understanding father. The only
thing he's worried about is what would happen to them if people found out. We
are in a small town, and sometimes people aren't known for their
open-mindedness.
Lana sounded so happy. She was calling to tell me that Chloe wants me to confide in
her. I feel weird about this. I mean, I know I shouldn't have confided in Lana at
all. It was unfair to Lex and it was unfair to Chloe. I'm not sure how to handle
this. I'm not excluding her because I don't trust her. I didn't tell Lana over her
because I care less for Chloe. It just felt right at the time. I wanted Lana to feel
good.
It wasn't a complete lie when I told my mom about liking Lana still. I do, sort
of. It's weird, she's so pretty, and when I look at her, I want to hold her and
protect her. I know it's not the same with Lex. When I look at him, I want to
make him a part of me. I want to hold him and never let go. I want to know that
he is safe, and will always be there no matter what. I also want to kiss him and
do other stuff to him.
I wish I could figure out what to do. I'm waiting in the newspaper office for
her to show. Maybe by the time she gets here, I'll figure it out.
~~~~
2:23p - Going away on a strange day
Things with Chloe went well.
She showed up at the office just after I posted yesterday, which was around
5:40. She was tense at first when she saw me, but then I brought up her favorite
subject: the school paper. She seemed happy after that. We hung for a bit, and
talked. It was nice to be with her.
Things with my mom, however, did not go well. This time instead of sneaking out
I asked permission. She seemed fine with it, which is cool. She trusts me. I got
to the mansion to find Lex drunk. I'm really worried about him. He was drunk
because BW is coming by the mansion today. He was worried about how I would
react. They are fed up with the press following them everywhere they go so to
avoid them, they're going to be at the mansion. I'm fine with that.
I feel responsible. I mean if I wasn't so jealous of Bruce, and if I hadn't reacted
so poorly to the situation... I know in the end that Lex is responsible for his
own action, but I can't help feel like I contributed to his mood. Lex claimed he
always drinks.
He spilled his drink all over my back when we hugged which sucked since my mom
was waiting for me when I got home. I lost track of time too, so that didn't
help. Mom was really mad. She threatened to ground me. It's so humiliating. I
didn't drink. I would never drink. She even smelled my breath.
I took Lex up to his room, and we just sort of fooled around with no climax. He
was really playful and strange, so I just tried to keep it light. I didn't want
to sound like an AA add.
He's probably over at the mansion right now with Bruce. I'll call first before
going over. I don't want Lex to think I don't trust him.
I do trust him.
~~~~
10:52a - Hiding out
I just had breakfast with
Lex. It was so nice. We sat close together and had pancakes, eggs and bacon. He
invited me last night when I called to see if I could stop by. He told me I
shouldn't stop by right after my mom had been to visit him so I stayed at home.
I can't believe my mom did that. I know she's worried, but to go check up on me
like that ...
I suppose I should panic now. Mom is very perceptive. I think I might have
mentioned that.
Breakfast was great. Bruce walked in while Lex and I were kissing. He didn't say a
word, he just turned and walked out. I caught a look of something. Not sure
what. Maybe frustration. Or annoyance. I kissed Lex harder after that. I was so
overjoyed that Bruce saw. Now maybe he'll realize how we feel.
I don't trust him though. I hate that he's staying over at the mansion with Lex.
It's true he's in a separate wing, but still, I just don't trust him. I hardly
know the guy.
Maybe I'll stop by later tonight just to say hi to Lex and tuck him in. With Bruce
watching.
I have to run. I have a class to get to, and I am totally late.
~~~~
9:48a
- Stayed home from school today
After having a long talk with Lana yesterday, I did a few chores to burn off
excess energy. I never realized how upset I was about everything that's
happening until I talked it out. I really thought I could handle it.
The talk was hard. Lana told me Chloe is hurt by the fact that I haven't told
her about what's happening with Lex. She's upset because I can't seem to confide
in her even though we're supposed to be good friends. I told Lana that I wasn't
going to tell Chloe any time soon so she would just have to deal. Lana suggested
I tell Chloe that there is something going on but that I just couldn't tell her.
It seems odd to do that, but maybe I should.
I kind of blurted out that Lex and I are 'fucking'. I mean he did get down on
his knees, and give me a blowjob. That's fucking isn't it?
If my mom really suspects something, I don't know what to do. How do I make her
understand what it is that I am feeling? Some people have suggestion it might
help if I talk to her, but the thought makes my stomach churn. I'm not ready for
this.
~
10:11a - There's knowing and then there's knowing
That will teach me to go over to the mansion, and spy on Bruce. Last night I
just couldn't take it anymore.
He saw. He knows. I didn't tell him the truth about me, but Bruce saw. I went
over late last night, and sneaked my way into the mansion. Since he was in a
separate wing it was easy enough to hide in the room beside his. I x-rayed
through the wall and watched. I just wanted to see for myself that he wasn't
doing anything with Lex.
Everything would have been fine if it hadn't been for the burglar who broke into
his wing and tried to shoot Bruce. I didn't even think. I just ran in used my
speed, knocked the robber out, and jumped into the path of the bullet. When it
was all over I turned in horror to see Bruce standing there staring at me with a
look of confusion on his face. I didn't know what to say.
He saw me use my speed, and my strength, and he saw the bullet bounce off me.
Even if he didn't see it bounce, it wasn't as if I had a hole in me. The lack of
blood gave away the fact that it didn't enter me.
I'm calmer now, but last night I totally freaked. He didn't say a word except to
tell me to leave, and that he would take care of the robber.
I didn't go home. I went straight to Lex's room. I was afraid something might
happen to him. I didn't know if the burglar was alone or if he had a friend. I
told myself I was just making sure he was fine. He was asleep when I entered his
room. He woke up as soon as I slipped into his bed. It was so nice to be in his
arms. He pulled off my shirt and we snuggled. I was hard almost instantly. We
didn't do anything other than kiss a little, and touch above the waist. It was
nice.
Lex likes to snuggle. I bet that is information he'd rather not have go public.
I know about secrets. I've had to keep one my whole life. Another secret isn't
really that big a deal. I think that it's because I have to keep this one from
mom and dad that makes it so hard. I love my mom and dad and they have always
been such a source of strength for me. Never mind that I am probably the
strongest person (alien) on the planet.
~~~
10:54p - Last night and today
I went over to see Lex last
night. I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I've been feeling. About how
terrified I am that my mom will find out about us. He's convinced my mom doesn't
suspect, but he doesn't know her. She's got mom sense. I swear she gave me this
look this morning.
I've been doing work all day, getting ready for harvest. Some things already
needed to be harvested, but I guess the intricacies of farm life are probably
very dull. I'm sure some people on LJ talk about farm life. I bet there are
lots.
Mom made me harvest almost all the apples. On top of that one of the cows broke
the fence. This is the first time I've had a chance to do anything that didn't
involve getting covered in dirt. I only stopped because the stupid tractor broke
down again. Dad has to wait until Monday to get a part for it. So it looks like
I get a break tomorrow which is good because Lex has invited me to this gala
thing in the city.
It took some convincing, but finally my mom and dad said I could go. I called
Lex to let him know. He was fine with that.
Last night things were kind of weird at first. We talked. He told me his father
saw me leaving BW's room when I went by the other night. I didn't even know his
dad was there. Lex was disappointed in me, but we talked it through. I also told
him that I still have feelings for Lana. I wanted to be honest. I thought he was
going to break up with me, but he only suggested that maybe things would be
easier if I was with her. Less stressful.
I let it slip that I told Lana about us. Lex was livid. I don't blame him. I tried
to make him understand that she wouldn't tell, and that I needed somebody to
talk to about this. I think he understood. He wasn't happy about it but he
seemed to be okay with it. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to
tell another single person.
I guess that means Chloe will remain in the dark. I also told Lex that Chloe suspects
something is up, but that Lana has promised not to tell her. I'm sudden feel even
more pressure. Maybe I should call Lana, and stress to her how important it is
that she not tell anybody. Ever.
When we were finished talking, I got down on my knees. I wanted to return his
favor from earlier this week. He freaked, and told me to get up. I was so
nervous. I was building up to it all day, and then he just told me we should
keep it simple.
Stuff like this is what makes me love him even more. He was concerned that I
wasn't ready for this big step. So instead we did more rubbing. I was so hard I
thought I would explode when he touched me with his bare hand. It was so
amazing, rubbing up against his bare stomach. I came all over him, and then I
returned the favor. I was so tempted to bend down and lick. I already know what
he tastes like since I've licked his come off my fingers before.
After that I was hungry so we went to get some sandwiches and pie.
Oh and earlier on we actually played a game of pool. Just in case you were
wondering.
~~~~~
9:35a
- Early morning wet dream
I got to sleep in this morning. Since my mom, and dad are just hanging out in
the kitchen having some mom and dad time. (I can hear my mom laughing, and when
I peeked to see what was up they were getting all mushy yuck)
I thought I'd write down some thoughts. Last night I called Lana. We had a long
conversation mostly about Lex. She's so easy to talk to, and I can't figure out
why. Before I knew it, I was telling her stuff I would never tell my mom. I used
to be able to tell my mom everything as Lana pointed out, but I can't tell these
things to my mom.
I don't really have a choice now since Lex told me not to say anything to
anybody else. I told Lana about that. It got so serious and intense; I had to
make a joke. I'm not good at making jokes. I made a crack about how Lex beat me.
She really didn't find it funny. I guess it isn't.
Then she asked me if it hurt. She meant having sex with Lex. I told her that we haven't
had sex yet: Just the kisses, touches, hand jobs and the one blowjob. (getting
hard again) I told her I wasn't even sure if I want to have that kind of sex.
That's not entirely true.
I had a dream about it last night. I guess because of the conversation. I'll
have to thank her the next time I see her. In the dream, Lex was under me
begging me to fuck him. It was so hot I woke up in wet PJs.
Even though I told Lana that I wasn't even sure if I want that kind of sex with
Lex, (I will never get tired of that one) the truth is I want it. I think about
it; especially after seeing Lex with that guy. I want to see what it feels like
to be inside him, I also want to see what it feels like to have him inside me.
It seems like it would hurt, but then almost nothing hurts me. I have a pretty
high pain threshold. I just wonder if it would be more pleasure than pain. I
guess I'll find out one day. I can wait. For now, I'll just enjoy what we have.
~
11:17p - Wash bits of broken glass out of my hair
I will never forget what a bus going 60 miles an hour feels like as it wraps
around me.
I just came back from that gala thing in Metropolis, and I had to shower for
almost an hour to get all the broken glass out of my hair. On a happy note I
saved a dog, and a guy who was asleep on a bench. Plus all the people on the
bus. Nothing was hurt except my best jacket.
~~~~~~
12:20a - What the...
I just finished getting ready for bed. This thing Lex invited me to totally
blew. It was really not my style at all. Then he pulls this stupid stuff with
Lana. I knew Lana was going to be there, but I had no idea Lex was the one who
invited her. I wanted to yell at him right there for pulling that. He really
made me mad.
He made these stupid cracks about how I'd never get her if I kept running away.
I don't even want her, and he knows it. He's just getting back at me for what I
said the other day about still liking her. I hate that. I hate that he would
just do that and then act like it's okay.
Some lady, Victoria, showed up just as he was trying to explain to me about how
I should treat Whitney (Lana's fake boyfriend) like an enemy. He said I should
keep him close. It was so stupid. I have to wonder now if he said it so Victoria
could overhear.
I just made a crack about how close he would keep her, and as I walked away I
made sure to rub my arm up against Lex.
I went for some air, and when I got back Lex was still with her. She was giving
Lex these looks like he was her dinner. I felt awkward so I left.
I can't believe this. I just can't believe I have to go through this every time
'an old friend' from Lex's past shows up on his doorstep. I hate the way she
looked at him. I hate the way he just dismissed me as if I was just nobody.
He better not let her touch him.
~~~~~
12:02a - It's over
He cheated on me. He cheated on me with that lady from the museum. He tried to
tell me stuff about what his father expects of him. I couldn't listen and don't
you tell me I should have. God, I offered to give him the same thing and he
turned me down! And then he goes and lets her do it.
It's been such a shit day and then this to top it off. God I wish I could just
hide somewhere. I'm scared and then this happens.
That dirty cop who Lex says is very dangerous? He threatened me just a few hours
ago. I told my mom and dad and they said they'd take care of it.
Let me count the crappiness of my day.
1. Chloe is fired from the paper. Really her crap but I was having a great time
with her and then this happens. (Hey this LJ is all about me)
2. Dirty cop threatens me and man did I want to kick his ass to the next county.
3. I had to tell my parents I screwed up. Luckily they weren't upset at me.
4. Lex cheats on me.
Wow, oh yeah, that is a day I should do over.
Trying to deal here.
I broke so much stuff, when mom sees it, she'll freak. I don't really care right
now. I'm just lying here in the dark not caring about anything at all. AT ALL.
Tomorrow I will pretend to care.
She's at the house right now with Lex, who by the way told me he loved me right
after he told me he cheated on me.
I'm tired. I want to be somebody else. I want somebody to hold me. I want to
cry.
~~~~~~~
10:38p - Life just gets worse and worse.
Chloe and Lana are at odds because
the principal gave her job to Lana. I got caught in the middle of it. I tried to
make Chloe see the good side of what happened, but she just thought I was taking
Lana's side. Which I wasn't doing. I was just trying to help.
On top of that, I just came back from the city. That crooked cop tried to get me
to do something illegal, but I showed him. I wasn't in the mood for his shit.
I am so angry right now. I almost called AJL without even thinking. I was that
upset. Then I remembered. So stupid that I would forget that.
I feel lost and completely alone right now. My life SUCKS!!!!
There, I said it. Now I'm going to smash a huge amount of things.
~~~~~~
1:13p
- Have you ever wanted to kill a man?
I did. Today. That cop fixed it so my dad got thrown in jail for murder. He did
it because of what I did to him last night. I thought I could handle it myself,
but I know now that I can't. I have to tell my dad what I did. He's going to be
so disappointed in me.
I've never felt so much rage in my entire life. I really wanted to kill that
cop; wipe the smugness off his face. I shake just thinking about it.
Last night Lana, and I had a talk. Things are so bad between her and Chloe, but I
have faith that it will work out. I just know Chloe cares so much for Lana. That
seems to be enough for them.
For me, nothing ever seems to be enough. I always lose no matter how hard I try.
I just finished talking to Lana again. She's so easy to talk to. She seems to
understand how I feel. It's nice to have that. We talked about parents. We're
both adopted so maybe that's why she understands.
I feel like my mom and dad would be better off without me. For one thing, my dad
wouldn't be in jail right now. My mom wouldn't have to deal with this.
I have to go see my dad in jail, and tell him what happened. I have to tell him
this is all my fault. I've been sitting here trying to gather the courage. I
thought that if I wrote it here first it might help, but I don't think anything
will help. I just have to do this. My actions have consequences, and now I have
to deal with them.
I just hope my dad doesn't hate me. I hope he understands that I would do
anything to protect them.
~~~~~
12:31a - Dodged that bullet
So the cop took me to the city again. He tried to get me to help him rob this
place, but I ran the first chance I got. I left him there to get caught by the
police. He's probably in jail as I write this.
It's so freaky; I mean the guy shot at me and everything.
I'm so glad that's over. Now maybe he'll tell the police what he did to my dad,
and my dad will be freed. I hope so. It makes me feel so sick inside that
somebody like him even exists. I guess it's pretty naive of me to think that. I
mean, people can be evil. That just sounds so wrong.
I ran into Lex today. He offered to help me with my dad. He told me he knew the
kinds of things Phelan (that's the cop) could do.
I was so mean to him. Phelan told me that Lex has secrets. I know he has
secrets. Lex told me before this cop was the kind of guy who fixed things. I
can't help wondering what he fixed for Lex.
I was just so angry at him. I lashed out. I threw it in his face. After I walked
away from him, a part of me wanted to go back and accept his offer, but I knew I
couldn't.
My dad's still in jail, and now I'm sitting here alone, trying to sort
everything out. It's been such a long day. I wish I could go to Lex. I miss him.
I want to be with him so badly.
~
7:59p - Dad's home . . .
. . . and I think Lex had
something to do with it.
That cop is dead. I found out this morning. I can't believe this. I just figured
Phelan would give himself up. I never thought he would try to shoot his way out
of it. I feel weird about it. On the one hand, he made my life hell, but on the
other hand, I would never have wished for it to turn out like this.
Things with Lex are still tense. I realized something today; I put him on a
pedestal, and when he failed to be this perfect person, I held it against him.
I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel like the biggest jerk ever. I have to go
talk to him. I can't lose him as a friend. I realize now how naive I was to
think I could handle such a serious relationship. I'm going to try to regain
something with him; anything, I don't care what. I guess it's possible he could
throw me out. If he does, I'll just have to accept it and try to move on.
The thought that he won't forgive me terrifies me.
~~~~~~~
11:16p - The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is give up the one you love
I went to see him. I had to thank him for what he did. How he helped my dad. It
hurts too much right now to even write it down. I don't even care about the
other thing anymore.
All I care about is the fact that things will never be the same. Is this what
growing up is? Is this what love is?
He still wants us to be friends. I think with time it could happen. This is
better anyway. It's safer for everybody.
He said that it was a matter of who he is. I understand that. I should know
better than anybody.
I feel so numb inside.
~~~~~~
10:04p - This is what it means to be me
Stupid day. So boring with
nothing but farm work to do. I did it all in the morning. I don't want to call
anybody. I don't want to be alone. It's stupid. So I'm here like the big loser
that I am, trying to put into words the things I've been feeling over the last
few days.
Mom and dad went out last night. Probably to get away from me.
I did the same things today over and over again. I did them once, and then
forgot I did them. I found myself thinking I should call Lex to see if he'd like
to play pool or just hang out. I had to remind myself that he isn't a kid like
me. He doesn't hang out.
I had to bite my tongue a hundred times today to stop myself from talking about
AJL to my mom.
I hate my life. Can you say Loser?
~
10:07p - Alien freak
Lex thinks it's because of who we are that things can't work between us. He's
right but not because of our last names, or our life experiences. I'm nothing.
I'm nobody. I don't even exist as a person. I'm not human. NOT A PERSON! And I
never will be.
I'm not a human being. I look in the mirror. I stare at my reflection. I punch
the glass and pick up a shard. I put it to my wrist, and slice. NOTHING happens.
I do not bleed. I've never skinned my knee. The first time I felt reel pain was
the night I was strung up on the cross.
I can't be hurt except by a bunch of rocks I brought with me when I landed in my
space ship. Rocks that seem to hurt everyone they touch.
When I was growing up, I used to pray that nothing new would happen to me. That
the strength was it and then other things started happening. The speed, which is
cool, but doesn't help with the whole "not human" feeling. I run so fast I'm
nothing but a blur in the landscape. A blur to the rest of the world.
None of these things help me to be human. Or even help me to keep the illusion
in my head that I am human.
BECAUSE, I AM NOT HUMAN.
There is more to why Lex and I will never work. I know this. I was a fool to
ever get so close to him. The more time passes the more terrified I become of
what he would do if he ever found out that I have been lying to him from the
moment we met.
At best he'd hate me forever; at worst he'd make my life a living hell.
After all, I'm proof there's life on other worlds.
My parents are the only people who know about me. I've always wondered what it
would be like if somebody else knew. I have these fantasies about telling
somebody. It used to be Lana, but now it's Lex. Sometimes he tells me it's okay.
That he still loves me and that will never change. Other times he calls the
government, and has me taken away from my mom and dad.
It' not just about that, I know this. It's about where I am in my life. I'm not
ready for any of what Lex has to offer. I have to admit when I look at him I
want to own him. I want him to be mine. I haven't ever felt that way about
anybody before.
It terrifies me, and thrills me at the same time.
I lay awake at night sometimes, and wonder what's normal for my people.
No matter what, I am not a human male. This is so stupid.
One other person knows that I'm a freak, but I didn't tell him. He saw. I have
no idea what he thinks about it. I'm too terrified to ask. It seems like I'm
nothing but terrified these days. And it all started with the day my father told
me the truth about my heritage. It all started when I met Lex on that bridge.
~~~~
12:10a - What a horrible day
Well, nothing else could
happen to make the day worse. Great morning. Fell down the stairs on the way
down to breakfast. Yeah! That pretty much set the mood for the day.
Class sucked.
But the rest of the day after school sucked more. While I was doing my
deliveries, the truck went into a ditch. I had to push it out. It must have
rained last night since the ditch was muddy. I fell flat on my face, and ended
up covered in mud. I still had AJL's delivery to do and of course, the first
time I see him in a few days I am covered in mud. I had to go in to get the
check for the produce. I trailed mud everywhere. I don't think I left a single
spot on the carpet from the kitchen door to his office clean.
I wanted to look good. I was hoping he's look at me and want only me. Instead I
end up looking like a fucking shit farmer. Then I accidentally flung mud all
over his shirt. On top of that, BW is staying with him and I'm pretty sure I saw
evidence that they are having sex. Or that AJL and Vic are having sex. Hell, for
all I know they're all sleeping with each other!
I hate my life. God, and then when I got back Lana calls. She's so clueless. I
watched her and her fake boyfriend today at lunch. They were playing their fake
game of being boyfriend/girlfriend. The look on his face was not fake. I know
that look. He loves her. I tried to tell her, but I don't think she gets it.
~~~~
12:03a - Mom knows
As you can tell by the title, my mom and I had a talk. She knows about me liking
guys. It wasn't as bad as I thought. She was very understanding. I freaked when
she said that I might want to consider telling dad. There is no way I can tell
him. Just the thought sends my stomach into convulsions. Not that my dad is
homophobic or anything, he just scares me. I mean, doesn't everybody's dad scare
them?
When my mom talked to me she told me she wished my boyfriend and I could walk
down the street holding hands. I immediately told her I don't have a boyfriend.
I guess I should have told her that technically I still like girls. I didn't
really want to get into it right then.
This is so weird. She said she knows I have feelings for someone. I wonder if
she thinks it's Lex? She figured out that I like guys. Maybe she knows who. That
would suck. I certainly don't want her to go to Lex about this. What if she
does?
Now I'm in a panic. Should I tell Lex? I don't know.
~
11:42p - All you do is talk talk
I had to do the deliveries today, which means I had to see Lex. I didn't shy
away from it; I actually went looking for him. I hoped that we could maybe talk
or something. I didn't realize how bitter I felt until we started playing a game
of pool. I just blurted out that my mom knows about me. He seemed to take it
well. Then I told him I think she suspects I like Lex that way. He seemed
to take that well too.
He also seemed happy for me that my mom was so understanding. For some reason I
felt so angry, and I lashed out. I joked that I would tell my day over
Thanksgiving dinner. That didn't go over well. He actually paled. Which is
pretty hard since he's already so pale.
I really needed to get things off my chest.
He actually told me he was hoping I would get in touch with my anger. I almost
laughed. If I got anymore in touch with my anger the house would be leveled.
I can't believe how angry I was, but I really didn't want to lie to him. I told
him I wished we'd never done anything sexual. I know, it's so stupid of me to
say that now. Too little too late, but I can't help how I feel. I want to go
back, and have it that I kept how I feel about him to myself. I wish I'd never
kissed him that first time. But I did, and I have to deal. I have to live in the
now, and realize that it happened.
I think now that I told him how I feel, I can move on, and be friends again.
In other news, Pete will be coming over on Friday to hang and have dinner. We
haven't really had a chance to talk lately since I've been so busy. We talked
today at lunch, and I invited him. Of course he's very busy on Thanksgiving day
since he has a huge family.
It'll be nice to see him again. He's really been keeping to himself since Jody.
I hope he's okay.
~
10:55p - bottomless
I am so stuffed. My mom made so much food; I thought I was going to explode. It
was just the three of us so I don't even know why she did that.
I spent most of the holiday with mom in the kitchen and then the rest with dad
doing chores. It's not like a farm goes on holidays. My dad says that farmers
are the only people who never take a holiday. Come to think of it, my dad has
never taken one as far as I can remember. We celebrate but we still have to feed
the animals and milk the cows. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there
are probably other people who are working today.
I didn't talk to Lex at all today. He didn't stop by, not that I thought he
would, but I guess I was hoping. I thought about asking mom if I could invite
him, but then stupid me remembered he already has house guests.
It's so hard when I'm alone, and I have too much time to think about things.
Remember before how I said I have a perfect memory? It isn't helping. I keep
thinking of the things we did. I want so badly to just forget them. It just
hurts too much.
I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
~~~~~~
8:23p - fun day
Pete just left. He totally filled up on pie.
We hung out in the loft, and talked a bit about dating. He hasn't really done
any since Jody. I told him that maybe he should consider trying to get his life
back to normal. I hadn't seen him in a while outside of school so I thought it
was odd that he wasn't going out on his usual dates with his 'female friends.'
I didn't want to push him, but he said he couldn't stop thinking about her. I
understood how he felt. Sometimes it's better to just try to put things back to
the way they were or as close to the way they were. I'm not sure if he agreed
with me but I think he'll give it a try.
After the heavy talk which really only lasted about ten minutes (we are guys you
know) we went out to shoot some hoops. I lost two out of the three games we
played, but I had a great time. It was so nice to have him over. He talked a lot
about all his relatives, which was cool since I have no idea what that is like,
being part of a big family.
We've promised to hang out together more.
He teased me about Lana, which frankly I just let him do since it doesn't hurt him
to not know what's really going on. It's not like I feel that way about
her so I really didn't feel the need to get into it. Since I have the whole
weekend to myself I'm planning on doing some of the heavy work that dad has been
getting on me to do. Yeah fence-building. You'd think once you built them that
it was over, but no way. They just seem to need repairs every time I turn my
back.
My mom and dad want me to stay inside tonight with them. They're acting weird; I
have no idea what it's about. Maybe they're just feeling all thankful etc. I
don't think my mom told my dad about me. My dad didn't say anything; he just
told me how he's happy to have me as a son, and how proud he is of me. I think I
should really worry. My dad hardly ever gets mushy.
~
1:11a - Lost in another world
I wish that I could write,
I wish that I had some kind of inspiration. I want to be good at something. I
wish I knew how. I think about it, I try, and then other days I think that maybe
I should try harder, but I don't know how. I know somewhere in my head there is
the knowledge of how to put my thoughts into words, how to share what I'm
feeling, but then the words just won't come. I want to believe that other people
out there feel the same way so that I know I am not alone.
But I remember: I know this will never be true. I am alone.
~
11:05p - So tired
I didn't realize how tired
I was until I sat down. I spent the day trying to tire myself out. Felt like if
I stopped, I'd never be able to start again.
My mom chased me away after the tenth time of me asking if she needed my help. I
wanted to be useful. I wanted to be somebody she could count on. Only that isn't
true. It's other people who I wish could rely on me.
I've had a lot of time to think about things this weekend. It's all I've had:
time. My body aches, and itches to be somewhere else. A hundred times a day the
differences I know are mine display themselves. I choke on them, and wish they
would just go away.
My dad told me today that no matter what I'm going through he and mom are there
for me. I would be worried except he says this every time he notices me
'moping'.
I tried not to think about Lex, but it was an exercise in futility. I know for
sure there is no way I will ever tell my dad. I can't do it. I don't even care
about anything else, but what he'd do to Lex if dad knew.
When I made that joke about telling dad at the dinner table to Lex, I realized
after what I had said.
I think back to the expression on Lex's face, and realize only now that the
words must have cut deeply. I have never been a cruel person. I have never
intentionally hurt anybody, and yet I have done it to Lex a few times now with
words that I knew were venomous.
I spent almost all day being ashamed of myself for being so cruel and callous.
Lex deserves better, even if it is a woman he doesn't love.
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