10:35a - Strange day
Nothing can top what happened
between Lex and me yesterday. He stopped by around three and we hung out. It was
so cool. I was so happy about having him there. My mom and dad both went out to
run errands so we could be open about things. I totally shocked him when I
kissed him right in my own driveway. I loved the look on his face and couldn't
get it out of my head all night. My mom must have thought I was crazy since I
would suddenly smile for no apparent reason. I kept telling her it was because I
was so proud of my hero dad.
Anyway, we ate cold pizza and I drank milk and he drank water. We went to the
barn afterwards to make out. It was so nice. I didn't want him to leave. I
wished it was like that all the time; us together, kissing and holding without
having to hide it.
After he left I stayed in the barn for a while to think about what we'd done.
Then dad and mom got home. Some guy crashed and dad saved him. During dinner I
daydreamed that Lex was there too with us. When mom asked why I was smiling I
told her that Lex had been by. Dad got mad but he didn't really say much.
Then I had to go out to the barn to avoid hearing them. Totally gross.
I wanted to call Lex last night but we'd just seen each other so I held off.
I'll see him today I'm sure.
~
11:19a
I made a complete fool out of myself yesterday. When Lex was over I started to
imagine that were married and living on the farm. It was just the two of us and
it was so quiet that I couldn't help it. He asked me why I was so happy. I mean
besides having him all to myself, why else would I be happy. He was there with
me and we were eating in my kitchen.
I told him what I was dreaming. I wished I hadn't. It was so embarrassing. After
I told him I realized how dumb it sounded to him. He doesn't have fond memories
about family life like I do. I couldn't stay in the kitchen after that so I ran
off. Again, totally embarrassed at how naive and young it must have sounded to
him. I know it's never going to happen. I know it never can, but I can dream
about it can't I.
I had all night to think about it and I realize now that there is no way it will
ever be that way. He's not just any guy and I'm not even a guy. I would have to
tell him the truth about what I am. I know honesty is very important to a
healthy relationship. I wanted so badly to tell him. I almost did. We were
alone, nobody could have stopped me. I wanted to just say 'Lex, I'm an alien.'
But the words stuck in my throat. They froze me to the very core with terror. I
was afraid that he would hate me forever once he heard the word alien.
I had the nightmare last night. I dreamt I told him at the kitchen table. In the
dream he looked at him like I was a monster. Then he told me he would devote his
life to making sure the whole world knew what I was.
In real life he chased after me when I ran off. I was so ashamed and embarrassed
and just felt this huge humiliation over how I acted. I acted like a child.
We talked and he made me feel a little better. I don't know. I was so confused
and just plain annoyed at myself that I just wanted to pretend it never
happened. He did make me feel less silly for wanting those things.
We also talked about the reasons for a safe word. I asked about Bruce and why
they had one. He said they used to do stuff like tie each other up. Bruce used
to tie him up! I can't do that to him. I mean, I don't think I can. I don't want
to hurt him. I would never want to hurt him. I want to know everything about Lex
and what he likes, but I think that maybe some of those things he likes are not
things I would like. I'm not sure. I just can't imagine tying somebody up on
purpose. I can't imagine taking that kind of control away from him, but maybe he
likes that. Maybe he wants me to own him in that way. Maybe a part of me wants
to own him that way.
I have to admit; the thought that he's shared that with Bruce annoys me a little
but since Lex is mine now I know I have nothing to worry about. I'm just so
confused. I'll have to think about it some more.
I wanted him to just hold me so I kind of slowly slid into his lap and cuddled
close to him. Then I sucked him off because I wanted to make him feel good. I
was so hard from earlier (the minute I heard his car in the driveway I was hard)
I wanted to do something about it.
We decided on the safe word cherry pie. That was a very short conversation
mostly because when I brought it up I was holding his dick in my hand and he was
pretty speechless. He didn't get the chance to do me but that was fine. I didn't
mind. I jerked off three times last night anyway, after he left.
I fantasized while I jerked off that I had Lex under me and that he was totally
helpless. It was such a turn-on I came really hard. Maybe I do like the idea
just a little.
~
12:02a - Dad is a weirdo
My dad is acting like a jerk. I have no idea why but he's been so rude today. I
came home to fine my parents almost doing it in the kitchen. My eyes are still
burning from that. My brain needs major scrubbing.
That totally threw me off, but then he was all 'you do the chores, I'm taking a
break.' My dad never takes a break from work. When Lex stopped by my dad was so
rude to him, I was ashamed to know him. He told him how much he hated him and
how much he hated that we are friends. God, it was awful. Mom tried to apologize
for him but I could see how much it hurt Lex.
My dad went upstairs for a nap so I took Lex out to the loft. Lex gave me a
treat. The kind that involves touching bare skin and me being happy after. I
said sorry a million times. He just brushed it off and acted like it didn't
matter. I know my dad doesn't like Lex but this is just not like him at all.
I'm so tired, too. I just finished all the chores. I need to go to bed now.
~
7:49p - Make it stop
My dad is in the hospital.
They have no idea what's wrong with him except they think he caught something
from the guy he saved the other day. That guy fell into a coma and they can't do
anything to help him at all.
My whole world is falling apart.
Today I also found out that Pete, my best friend, hates Lex. I mean totally
hates him. When I asked Chloe about it she said he's jealous of how close Lex and I
have become. I never even realized this. I can't even tell him that it's a
different sort of thing with Lex and that it's not the same at all.
The whole world hates who I'm dating and my mom is in tears. I hate my life.
~
9:32p
- This can't be happening.
Dad shot me! He didn't mean to. It still hurt just as bad as if he had done it
on purpose. My chest aches but I wonder if it's just from the shock or if I
really hurt.
I couldn't believe it. When I ran after him and saw that he had a shotgun and
intended to go after the bank manager, I freaked. My dad may have a temper but
he would never do something like that. Except he did and I never thought he
would shoot me, and he did that too. And now he's
in the hospital, and I don't know what to do.
I feel so helpless. I don't know how to handle something like this. I mean the
doctor has no idea what's wrong with him, which means he has no way of helping
my dad. I didn't tell mom about the shotgun thing. She has enough to worry about
right now without having to think about that. I think I'll just keep it to
myself.
I called Lex and he came right away. I hugged him as soon as he arrived. I
didn't care how it looked. My mom hugged him as well so it probably just looked
like he was comforting us. After a while my mom asked him to take me home. I
wanted to stay but she's right when she says somebody has to take care of the
chores.
It gave me a chance to be with Lex. As soon as we were in private I couldn't
help myself, I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything would be fine.
I cried on his shoulder. I think it was a dignified cry. I should be embarrassed
but I just don't have the strength. I feel so tired and just scared. Lex didn't
say much except to hold me and comfort me which is exactly what I needed right
now.
If only other people knew the Lex I know. He makes me feel so safe and like I
can do anything. I wish I could confide in him. I wish I could talk to him about
what my dad did. I feel so alone right now.
~
11:35p - Things just got worse
My dad is in a coma.
Lana came on to me and then stole Lex's car for a joy ride. She passed out and I
had to take her to the hospital. She has the same thing dad has.
They still don't know what it is but Lex has everybody working on it. He brought
in doctors to help.
I have had such a hard day and now that things are calm I want to cry for an
hour.
My dad could die. I don't even want to think about it.
All the things I can do and they're useless. I'm useless.
~
8:18p
- Almost over
Now my friend Pete is infected. It turns out this crazy guy who likes to play
mad scientist brought a long dead flower back from the past. Chloe and Pete did
a whole bunch of research and found out that Lex signed this book out from the
library. Pete of course jumped on it.
I am not that quick to judge. Since we still don't know everything that
happened, and on top of that Pete was delirious when he attacked Lex. Did I
mention Pete shot at Lex? I ran to the mansion to stop him when Chloe told me he
went after my boyfriend. Lex is being real cool about it all. He's more
concerned about everybody who's in the hospital, especially since the first guy
died tonight.
I had to pull some fast talking tonight with Pete. I had no idea what to do and
the first thing that came to mind was to pretend I was with Pete when he said
Lex was the one responsible for everything that happened. Unfortunately it
involved hurting Lex and making him believe even for a second that I hated him.
The look on his face was just so awful. My stomach lurches when I think about
it.
I have no doubt in my mind that Lex will find the cure and that he will make
everything better. When I close my eyes and think of the look I want to run to
him and kiss all his troubles away. I will never believe that he consciously had
something to do with this. I will never believe that he would purposely cause
anybody harm.
Maybe I'm being naive to believe so strongly in him, but I don't think so. I
think that if he has somebody that trusts and believes and knows he is worth
everything, he will feel like he is loved. And I have to believe that this will
make all the difference.
~
7:25p
- Everything is better now
Thanks to Lex, who had doctors working round the clock, they found a cure.
Everybody is going to be fine. I just came back from the windmill. Lana wanted to
climb it so she could see the city. She seemed very happy when I dropped her off
at home.
Everybody that was infected forgot what they did while they were under, which is
a good thing since I would rather put the whole Lana hitting on me thing behind
me.
My dad and mom are in the house. Mom and I just decided not to tell dad what he
did. I never did tell mom how I had to chase dad down. I think it's best if I
kept that one to myself.
I went by the mansion to talk to Lex and thank him in person, but he was
packing. He had to leave for a business trip. I didn't get a chance to say much
of anything. When I tried to thank him he brushed me off and said he really
needed to go. It's weird because he seemed so distant but then when I tried to
get him to slow down he just gave me this look, grabbed me and kissed me hard.
Then he got into his car and drove off. I didn't even get a chance to ask how
long he'd be gone or where he was going or anything like that.
I called Pete to see if he's okay. He said his mom is pampering him, but his
brothers are still treating him the same. I asked if I could come by tomorrow so
we could maybe shoot some hoops. I don't think I'll tell him what he did while
he was infected. Lex would want to just forget it all. I'd like to forget the
whole week. It was just so weird.
I did get to see Lana in her skimpy red things. I didn't really give too many
details about that before, since it was very embarrassing. She stripped and
kissed me and then later (when I chased her down to stop her because she was
driving Lex's car across a field) she asked me if I was in love with her. I knew
there was something very wrong. I mean, she knows I'm with Lex so I have no idea
why she would do that. Since she doesn't remember doing it, I'll never really
know why. That's fine by me; like I said I wish I could forget it all.
The thing I want to forget the most is what my dad did. This flower made people
lose their inhibitions and say what's really on their mind.
~~
10:23p - Long day
I spent most of the day with
Pete. He's feeling much better now. He asked me a few times what he did but I
just told him to forget about it. I told him it was fine and that nobody got
hurt. We had a talk about Lex. I told him that Lex is very important to me and
that he would just have to accept that. I also apologized for not being around.
Then we hung out. It was nice but I have to admit I sometimes see that image in
my head of what he did.
I think of the image of my friend holding that gun and pointing it at Lex. It's
just not something I want to remember and not something I want Lex to have to
remember. Ever! I would have done anything to save him. Anything! I had to think
fast. I had to get that gun away from him. Maybe I made the wrong choice in how
to save him.
After I hung out with Pete I went downtown to get a coffee and I ran into Mr. K.
We parked and talked for a while. I wasn't really sure what to say. I couldn't
sleep last night because I kept thinking about Lex and what he said to me before
he left. I run it over and over again in my mind. I realize now that something
was really wrong and I didn't catch it.
When I got there he was getting ready to come by to let me know he was leaving
for a few days. Then when I touched him he flinched and stiffened and I close my
eyes and I see it in my mind. I can't believe I didn't pick up on it then. I
feel so stupid. I'm supposed to notice this stuff aren't I? I mean I love him
and he was hurt and maybe I am the reason he's hurt and not here. He kissed me
right after but I think now that he did that to reassure me.
I talked to Mr. K about it. He had a few things to say but I will not repeat
them since it was private. He was kind of upset about something. He said I made
him feel better, but I have no idea what I said. It's cool that he felt better.
He looked so sad.
He's such a nice guy. He has this way of making me feel comfortable. We talked
for a while and then drove back to the farm for fresh pie and milk. It was nice
to just sit and talk about stuff. It was nice to just feel relaxed and quiet.
So um you should just come home. Right?
~~~
9:57a
- Dreams suck
This totally sucks. I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. It's not fair! I
have to remember these things for the rest of my life! I have a prefect memory.
I never forget anything I see. Anything! Lex hitting me with his car, or Pete
pointing a gun at Lex and threatening to kill him; they are never going to go
away.
I had a nightmare about my dad. It was about the shooting. I remember every tiny
detail of that, too. I won't forget the struggle or the feel of the shotgun
exploding against my chest. Every once in a while I touch my chest where I was
hit and I flash back to it.
I know it was an accident and I know my daddy didn't mean to do it but it's just
so hard. I'm going to tell mom what happened. I need somebody to talk to about
it.
~~
11:01a - I have a little brother
His name is Ryan. He made
breakfast for us this morning mainly because he wanted to feel welcome. I could
have told him he doesn't have to do that since my mom and dad are practically
ready to adopt him. It would be so cool if that happened. I sometimes imagine
what having a sibling would be like. I guess this is how it feels. I can't wait
to hang out with him again today.
I spent the morning hanging out with him. We played basketball and he showed me
these comics he likes. Something called Warrior Angel. It's cool to have
somebody around who's younger that I can talk to. He seems to really enjoy my
company without demanding things from me like everybody else in my life.
On another note, I saw Lex yesterday when I did deliveries. I had to go in to
get the check for my mom so I couldn't avoid it. It wasn't that I wanted to
avoid it, but I've been feeling weird about the fact that instead of staying
here and talking to me about what was wrong he ran. I wanted to help him but he
took that choice away from me. I know it's his decision to make, but it still
hurt that he couldn't come to me.
He told me he needed to distance himself from those fake words I said to save
his life. I hate that I had to do it but there was a gun pointed at him and Pete
was not backing down. I had a millionth of a second to think up a plan.
Why should I have to make these kinds of choices? I'm just a kid.
The truth is I'm angry at my dad, but most of all I'm angry at myself.
So Lex told me we should just move past this. He's right.
~
10:00p -Yeah!!!!!
I haven't really told the
story of how we came to have a new member of the family.
Last night mom ran into this kid, Ryan. She took him to the hospital and since
he had no memory of where he's from my parents took him home. We've been put in
charge of him until they can figure out if he has family or where he belongs.
We just finished dinner a few hours ago and he's asleep now. I can't even begin
to tell you how wonderful it is to have him here. It's just the coolest thing
ever. He's younger than me so I have to be a big brother to him. I have always
wanted to be a big brother but I never thought it would happen. Mom and dad
definitely talked about keeping him. If we adopt him then I would have somebody
to hang out with all the time. I would have a brother.
I told Lana all about it. She seemed very excited so tomorrow I'm going to bring
him by the Talon to meet her. This is so amazing.
I have tons of homework to do. I need to calm down first and do a few chores.
I am so happy right now.
~
11:01p - Not proud but live and learn
Today Lex and I sort of had a fight on his journal. I look back at the comments and I
see that I was being way too confrontational. I must make a note of it here so
that I can learn something from this.
Oh well. I guess I could have handled it better. I have to admit this part made
me smile a lot.
And I'm glad you told me how you feel. And next time I'll run to you, not
away.
I have so much to be happy about right now. I wish I could go over to the
mansion but I can see him tomorrow. It's late and I have stuff to do.
Lex is just so awesome.
~~
11:04p - He's going to leave!
Here I am so happy to have a little brother in my life only to discover that
once a long time ago when Lex was young his baby brother died before he even had
a chance at life.
Lex looked so sad and bitter when he recounted the story of his only sibling,
Julian. I felt so bad because I was just so happy about Ryan and it turns out
Lex lost a brother.
I feel so numb right now. I thought I was going to have a nice happy day and
then he drops the bomb. His dad, Mr. Big, offered him a job in the city. My head
is spinning, I am so confused. I know it's what he's always wanted but I want to
shout at him not to go. I want to tell him to stay here with me in this hick
town.
He said he was a different person there with his father. I didn't say anything
because I was so shocked. I want to be supportive and I want him to be happy. He
didn't seem very happy, even after we kissed. He was so distant and solemn; so
sad. It made my heart wrench just seeing him leave. I have never felt so
strongly about anybody before.
His kisses were so gentle and so desperate. It was like he wanted to remember
what it was like because he's going to say yes to his dad. He could. I know it's
an option. He said he's having dinner with his dad to tell him his answer.
What if he leaves? What if he goes back and I never see him again? He would be
there and I would be here and he'd have all the distractions of the city to keep
him occupied. He wouldn't need me. I'm just a nothing farmer's kid.
He's Lex Luthor.
On top of that Ryan is leaving tomorrow. He has to go to social services. We
can't keep him. He's a great kid and I love being a big brother to him. I can
show him so much, but I don't get to do that. I get to be alone.
Everything was so good today. I took Ryan to the Talon to meet Lana and then he
got to meet Lex. He was kind of rude to Lex, and the weird thing is Ryan told me
about Lex's dad offering him the job. He told me Lex was going to leave.
I ran after Lex to apologize for how Ryan acted. He was so cool and
stand-offish. I told him that I wished I could kiss him right in the street. He
snapped at me and then told me to go back inside. I didn't know what to do so I
just went back in, which turned out to be a good thing since Ryan was in
trouble. He was out back inside a garbage truck. I had to rip it open to save
him.
He's asleep now. All the excitement wore him out.
Suddenly this day really sucks. I am so glad it's over.
~~
11:29p - foils and heroes
He gave me a foil and then
went off to the city, only he never made it because Ryan's step dad attacked him
and threw him out of a moving limo.
Ryan's asleep in my bed now. He was supposed to go to social service but the
lady that took him was actually the stepmother that was beating him. She's dead
now. Ryan's step dad killed her. I will never understand how a person can just
cavalierly kill another person. It's so horrifying to me. The police have Ryan's
step dad now.
I just called Lex to make sure he's okay. He says he called a limo to come get
him. I wanted to stay with Ryan in case he needs me or something. I can't
imagine how horrified he is by all this. I am so glad I was able to stop the
guy.
I'm too tired to say more now.
~~~
10:54a - Ryan's gone
We managed to find an aunt
who lives in Edge City.
He left with her. I'm really happy for him but at the same time I will miss him
a lot. We'll probably keep in touch and dad told him he's welcome to come by any
time. I'll probably go see him when I get a chance. Maybe this coming week since
spring break is here. I'll have to ask mom and dad. I bet they wouldn't mind
going.
I have another thing I haven't dealt with at all. I found out that Chloe wants me
to ask her to the spring formal. I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. When I
asked her about it she just kind of brushed it off. I didn't say anything after
since it just startled me way too much. I mean, she's taken and then this just
comes out of left field.
I better just leave it alone unless she mentions it again. I'm really not sure
what to do about it.
Other things have been bothering me as well. It's all just a jumble in my mind.
I need to take time to sort it out.
The other night Lex stopped by on his way to dinner with his father and gave me
a foil as a gift. He said every hero needs one. I haven't talked to him to see
if he said yes to Mr. Big's offer. I'm too afraid. What if he did? He looked
like he was going to. When I asked he said he wasn't sure one way or the other.
He gave me a going away present though, so he's probably going to say yes. I
told him I hope he stays.
I want him to stay, but I don't think I should count on it.
~~~
10:50p - Me being foolish
I wanted to be the reason he stayed. I wanted him to walk up to me and say
'you are my 'everything'.' I wanted him to want me to be with him forever.
I feel beyond foolish for even thinking this way. Like the time when we were in
my kitchen and I looked at him and all I could think was how it would be so
great if he and I lived here together; the two of us, like a family.
I watch him and I think he's mine and I could own him if I thought that
way. I could tell him to never go near anybody else ever. I have these dark
thoughts about him. Like if I don't do something right now to posses him he will
run off and I won't have him.
I want him to be mine, too. I want him to only belong to me. Not his father.
And not Bruce, or any of those people that he's already been with; just me.
I could do it. I could make him be mine, always.
~~
5:25p - He's staying
He didn't take his father's
offer, He's staying in town. It's so weird. I feel so weird. I mean, I am so
happy that he decided to stay. He made the choice for himself. I am happy;
really I am, but for some reason I feel off.
I guess a big part of me thought for sure he would say yes. I was prepared for
that to be his answer, and now that's he's staying I don't know whether to feel relieved, or angry that
he's just putting off his "goodbye" for some later time. Does that make me a bad person?
We went on a movie date last night. It was nice. I had a real great time. We ran
into Whitney and his friends in the concession line. At first I was nervous but
it seemed fine. Whitney was nice enough. The movie was good. The popcorn was
good. It was nice to be somewhere with Lex other than the mansion or my barn.
The only part that sucked was I couldn't openly touch him. I did sneak a few
touches here and there. He seemed fine with that.
I still have a ton of chores to do. I tried to call him a few minutes ago but
he's not available. Normally he always comes when I call.
~
9:23p
- Bitch!
I do not have a temper! Why would he say that? And say it in front of all those
other people. @#$&%#%$#
That did not make me feel better. I fucking smashed the rail in the loft I was
so mad. I guess I do have a temper but I would never hurt him or anther person.
Fuck him and fuck that jerk who told me off.
Big fucking jerks.
I feel sick.
~~
9:05p - Calmer today
Mom and dad are not happy
with me. I broke a few things yesterday. I spent most of the morning fixing the
railing I trashed and apologizing to mom for breaking her dishes. Lex and I had
a little bit of a disagreement. I'm not really sure how it happened all I know
is before I knew it I was so angry I could spit nails.
Just before I did deliveries Lana showed up. She looked so sad I brought her into
the kitchen and offered her some juice. Things aren't going so great for her and
Chloe. At least Lana thinks they aren't. Chloe has been too busy for her lately. I felt
so bad I wasn't sure what to do so I hugged her. She cried until her tears
soaked my shirt. I hadn't realized how upset she was until she started to cry. A
part of me wanted to hold her forever. A part of me wanted to be what would make
her happy.
I'm sure Chloe doesn't mean to hurt Lana, but at that moment I almost wished
Lana was
mine. It was a little confusing. Then I had to leave, which was fine since Lana
was really there to talk to my mom.
I did deliveries as I do every Monday but Lex wasn't home. He was out on
business. He told me last night that we would talk today, but I guess it will
have to wait. I hope he didn't do this to avoid me. I was a little harsh with
him on the phone last night. I hate that he drinks and I just wish he wouldn't
turn to alcohol when he's feeling upset. He claimed he'd had a hard day and
needed to unwind. I sounded so after school-special I wanted to shoot myself.
He's an adult and I know he can take care of himself, but still, I wish he
wouldn't do that to his body. I don't like it.
~~~
11:14a - The horrors of being a super strong alien from another planet.
Last night things did not go well. I was alone with my chores since mom was at
her class and dad needed to do something in the back field. Just as I was
finishing up the last of them and about to go in for a shower Mr. K (Feegan)
shows up. First off I was dirty and stinky and just in general not really
prepared for company. It was very nice to see him, though. He looked really
good. I mean, I look, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I offered him a drink of lemonade and before I knew it I found myself spilling
everything about what happened with Lex. I told him almost everything which in
retrospect might not have been such a great idea but I desperately needed
somebody to talk to about the whole situation. It's not like I could go to mom.
She has enough of my freakiness to deal with and I really don't want to add to
it.
Feegan made comments about how I could channel my anger in a constructive way.
He meant in the bedroom.
I quote exactly:
"Instead of taking out your anger and frustration by fighting with
Lex...channel it into your lovemaking. Uh...control him there...use something
like scarves or his ties to bind his hands and ankles. Make Lex know he's at
your mercy. BUT...you can't hurt him, Clark. This isn't about punishment. This
is about working through what is upsetting you about Lex's recent behavior. Can
you understand the difference?"
I get hard just thinking about this. The only problem is that I could never do
it. I am way too strong and I could hurt him so easily. I break keyboards just
by typing. For the most part I have learned to control my strength but, I don't
know how easily I could control myself with Lex like that; tied up and at my
mercy. The image alone, which I used last night to jerk off to, makes me want to
claw, bite and just take what I want.
I guess at this point I have to admit to myself that I want him like that. I
want to have him at my mercy, begging me to fuck him hard. I hate that word but
how else am I supposed to say it (nobody else but me can see it).
Feegan admitted that he's been tied up and spanked. I didn't want to know by
whom. I am pretty sure I know the answer to that question. Although spanking me
is totally useless, unless there are meteor rocks around and even then it would
not be the kind of pain that Feegan was talking about.
After that it kind of spiraled into weirdness I never could have predicted. He
asked if we had alcohol so I offered him a beer. It seemed like a harmless thing
to do. Then I realized he wouldn't be able to drive so I offered to drive him
over to the mansion that way he would be able to crash there and not worry. It
really annoys me that people think I am a big nerd just because I think it's
un-cool to drink. It's even more un-cool to drink and drive.
He insisted he was fine and since he'd only had one beer he could handle it, but
I just couldn't let it go. So I drove him over to the mansion. He left dad a
note that he was taking the whole six-pack. (Which dad found last night - he was
unhappy. I am to replace it out of my own allowance.)
Lex was there. He wasn't too happy to see us. It escalated into a scene in the
foyer. Feegan and Lex really don't get along. They always seem to clash no
matter what. After being insulted by Lex yet again over my attitude on drinking,
I practically begged Feegan to go back to my place with me. I was so embarrassed
and wished I could just vanish into the floorboards. At first I ran, but then I
realized I'd only recently told Lex I hated that he ran so I turned around and
went back.
I almost wish I hadn't. I was so frustrated and infuriated. I ordered Feegan to
go up to bed so that Lex and I could talk in private. When I saw Lex I just fell
apart. I wanted to smash everything in the room; everything except him of
course. I am so not happy with how I handled this. I did smash a few things. He
made me so angry and when I finally told him I was that mad at him he was glad I
admitted it.
I grabbed him way too hard. I know I hurt him but he said something to get me to
let go. It wasn't a safe word but much worse. He asked if I was going to break
him next. I was so horrified I let go. I wanted to die on the spot. I'm a
monster; a horrible monster. I have to learn how not to hurt.
And after all that Lex is the one who comforts me. I did not deserve it at all.
I had the nightmare again last night about how he finds out the truth about my
alien heritage and hates me. I hate that nightmare so much. It takes me forever
to recover after I wake up from it.
I need to learn to channel my rage. I have to admit I have a temper. I have to,
for Lex's sake, be more careful than I have ever been. He's fragile and I would
never want to be the reason he gets hurt.
~~~
12:16a - Tonight was nice
I spent almost all day
helping mom and dad. The work is endless. Then tonight Lana held a poetry reading
thing over at the Talon. I went to support her and Lex was there. It was sort of
weird to be in a public place with him in town. I realized it was the first time
we'd been like that in a while. In a way it was nice to be relaxed.
Lex was his public self which if you know him is kind of freaky since he's very
different than when he's alone with me. I still enjoyed being there with him. He
looked amazing. He made my heart flutter.
The night was a great success. I am so glad for Lana. She's really taken the
coffee house and made it work. I couldn't be prouder. She was so busy I only had
a chance to talk to her briefly. She thanked me again for the talk we had. I'm
not sure how I helped but I am glad that I did.
~~
2:49a
- My world changed forever tonight
I went over to see Lex. We talked, and I got what I wanted.
When we made love I got him to admit he stayed in Smallville for me.
It was amazing. Lex is amazing. I feel tingly all over. I want to go back to the
mansion and do it again. He was so warm and yielding. Way softer than I thought,
but hard at the same time. So tight I get hard when I think about it.
~
10:15a - First time
I just took a shower. I have to admit it was the first time I wished I didn't
have to. I wanted Lex's smell to linger. When I got home early this morning from
the mansion I just fell into bed. Luckily mom and dad didn't notice I was gone.
That would have been embarrassing. I know I would not have been able to look
them in the eyes after what had just happened.
I'm not a virgin any more!
Last night I was so nervous about talking to Lex, and then this happens. I mean
I asked him if I could. And my last post sounded so girly. I can't even make
sense of what happened and how it happened. We did it, had sex and now that it's
over I can't say that I feel bad or regret it or wish it hadn't happened.
I'm all over the place this morning.
My mind is in turmoil right now. I haven't even gone down for breakfast yet. I
will have to eventually but I need to get this out, because nobody can ever find
out what happened. Lex would be in so much trouble, not just from mom and dad
but the police. There's no way I'm ever letting that happen. According to law
I'm underage but the truth is they don't really know how old I am. I could be
one hundred for all we know. They had to guess my age when they found me since I
didn't come with a note.
He just smelled so good and he looked so hot. I wanted him so badly and we
kissed and then I undressed us. I was nervous but I ordered him not to stop me.
Once I touched his naked body I couldn't stop it. I wanted him. I wanted to
control him. I wanted him under me and I wanted to be in him, owning him. I
wanted him to admit that I was the reason he stayed here even if it wasn't true.
I was so turned on and when he slipped the condom on me I practically came on
the spot but I managed to hold on until I was inside him. I felt so powerful and
it wasn't the kind of power I have when I use my strength. I was in control of
my body and it felt amazing. He let me pin him down and gave me something I
could not have ever dreamed of getting from anybody; he gave me trust without
even knowing it.
When I was on top of him and deep inside him I suddenly needed to hear him say
it. I ordered him to say that I'm the reason why he stayed. Once I had his cock
in my hand he finally said it. When he said the words, when he said - 'Yes...it
was for you. Of course it was for you.' I came so hard I think I saw stars.
I don't know why I needed to hear it so badly. I just needed him to acknowledge
what I already knew was true. The way he said it makes me believe I was right.
He said he didn't have to stay for us to be together but he stayed and I know I
am why.
I have to get going since we're driving to Edge city today to visit Ryan. Thank
god he can't read my mind. That would be so hard to deal with. Plus not really
wanting to share this experience with anybody else.
This is going to be a long drive.
I love Lex so much.
~
10:01p - Back from visiting Ryan
Mom and I had a pretty good
time. She drove me to Ryan's place. Ryan is so much happier now. His aunt is
very nice. I took Ryan to see a movie. The theater was empty since it was a
matinee and the movie had been out for a while. That was fine because we still
had a great time. After the movie we went for a soda and I told him what's been
going on. I gave him Lana's message. When I told her I was going to see him she
said to say hello. He was ecstatic to hear that she said hello.
My mom and I had dinner with Ryan and his aunt. It was nice. I'm so glad things
worked for him. I do still wish he could be my brother but I'm glad he's happy.
The ride home seemed longer than the ride there. Mom seemed distant. When I
asked what was wrong she confessed that she missed Ryan a lot.
I have a few chores to do and then I am turning in. I am so tired. I've had a
really busy last few days.
~
11:09p - Nice day
It's the official last day of spring break. I should be upset that it's almost
over but I will actually be glad to get back to school. I miss Chloe, I miss Pete and
I miss having classes to go to.
Today I went riding with Lana. It was so nice and relaxing and just what I needed.
I haven't seen her much this week so it was nice to get all caught up on what's
going on. She seemed in higher spirits this time. When I picked her up at the
coffee shop she was talking to this girl. They seemed kind of into each other.
Anyway, Lana was really upbeat and it helped me forget that I haven't seen Lex for
a few days. Not that he has to see me every day. I was very busy the last few
days.
After Lana and I rubbed down the horses I went home, showered and went over to PR's. He got back from his vacation today. It was so weird because he kept
bragging about this girl he met. I kind of wished I could brag, but I know it
wouldn't have gone over well.
Something very important happened to me on Wednesday night. I went to see Lex
and he admitted that I was the main reason he chose to stay here in town rather
than take Mr. Big's offer. Other things happened that I am still trying to work
out. It was the best night of my life. He was amazing and just so wonderful.
I feel tired tonight but it's a good tired.
I sort of fell asleep in Lex's bed on Wednesday night. I managed to wake up in
time to get home before mom and dad found out I was gone. It was so amazing
waking up beside him. I wish I could do it every night.
~~
8:26p
I was supposed to talk to Lex today, but dad needed me to go with him for some
parts. I've been gone all day. I just got home and now I am too afraid to call.
I know I should, I told him I would but it's been almost three days since we did
it. I think about every single detail of that night and I can't resolve in my
mind why I was so compelled to ask the question right when I was inside him. I
never expected to, I would have wanted the sex even if he had told me that I was
not why he stayed.
I feel weird tonight. I feel like the farther I get away from that moment the
more dreamlike it seems. Like it was just some fantasy I concocted.
I shouldn't have asked the question at that moment. It was unfair and completely
wrong. How do I take it back? How do I change what happened? I need to be
somewhere else right now and that is not near Lex.
~~
12:02a - stupid alien life
He's like a flame I'm drawn to.
I can't turn away. I want to own him, be consumed by him.
My lies eat away at me and I wish I had never come to this place. I have to do
something. I want to tell him; I have to tell him. How can he be with me? I lie
to him every day.
I am torn in two directions. Part of me is so terrified that I am paralyzed by
the idea of telling him and part of me wants to just blurt it out.
I hate my life. I should just break it off so it hurts less in the long run.
He stopped by tonight since I hadn't gone by to see him. It was an intense
conversation.
It's so weird, I don't regret that we did it, I wanted that. I think maybe I
went about it the wrong way. I feel so ashamed of myself right now. I feel gross
and icky that I could be so forceful.
He said he could have used the safe word at any moment. He never did. He liked
it. He wanted me to own him in that moment.
I can't handle that right now. I want to lock that me away and never let him out
again.
~~
11:33p - new things
I shot some hoops with PR today and after that we drove over to his place to
hang for a while. He told me some more about this girl he met. I just nodded in
the right places etc.
Mom made a lot of pies today. It drove me insane. She spared one for me. It was
amazing as always.
So can one of you sweet nice super people on my friends list make me an angel
icon (not the one with the big forehead) Maybe some pretty art angels. I need
more and I think I have room for a few more icons.
Dad actually gave me a break today. Unfortunately the part we picked up the
other day is not enough. Another part broke down. I wish we could afford a new
tractor.
I feel kind of yuck tonight. It's not anything I can put my finger on. Just yuck
in general. Maybe it's because I'll be going back to school tomorrow.
Off to pick lint out of my bellybutton. I suck. Blah!!
~~
3:29a - Just got back from the mansion
And I think things are
better. I felt hollow inside until I went there to talk to him. At first I told
him it was to just hug and kiss but he wouldn't put up with that. I'm glad
because I needed a good ass kicking. I deserved it. I was acting childish and he
deserves way better.
We talked and I admitted a few things and he told me it was okay and other
things that I think for now I will keep it private.
I watched him fall asleep. I stayed for a while to just watch him. He is
gorgeous asleep. I mean the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. In my life.
I must think more on all of this.
~
5:01p
Back to school and things are
back to normal, sort of. I guess for most of my friends they are anyway. I think
I must have hugged Chloe for a half hour when I saw her. I really missed her so
much. She gave me this weird look. I didn't bother asking.
Thank you so much for the icons. They are amazing. Now I can use them when I
leave comments over at Lex's journal.
I have deliveries to make. Of course this means I get to see Lex, if he's home.
I heard he re-hired Mr. K. This is kind of cool except for the fact that the
last time I saw him, things were kind of weird. I sort of ordered him around and
stuff. If I'm lucky he'll not mention it. He will probably be working so
hopefully he'll be too busy to talk.
~
10:51p - I fell and you caught me.
Lex was in his office today. I stopped in to just say hello and he invited me to
play a game of pool. It was so nice and relaxed. I think he won. We did a little
kissing and touching. He's got these really, really, really nice hips that I
love to just grab and today I was reminded of . . . well things. I got hard as
soon as he kissed me. Although the truth is I was already half way there. Just
being near him makes me feel hot and tingly.
We were interrupted by Mr. K. I was so embarrassed I don't think I even looked
him in the eyes. I excused myself and got out of there fast. At least it meant I
didn't have to talk to Mr. K. Lex didn't get mad or anything at him. He was
actually real nice to him. Very polite.
I had a ton of homework. It's like the teachers missed giving it out so they
piled it on big time. We have to write an essay on a book of our choice, but it
has to be something literary. It has to be approved by the teacher. I think I'll
ask Lex advice. Maybe he could recommend something cool.
I have to get to bed now since mom and dad are back to cracking the whip now
that school is on again.
~
10:39a - sweet dreams are made of these...
I don't know what is more embarrassing, waking up floating (with a hard on), or
my mother finding me that way. Good thing I wore boxers to bed. That would have
been so much more embarrassing.
I had a really nice dream. I dreamt Lex and I were flying over Smallville. In
the dream I held him close to my chest. I was also hard there, so I guess my
mind knew what my body was up to. Lex was happier than I have ever seen him. He
told me he would give me the world and that we would be together forever until
the end of time.
Then mom woke me up and I found myself five feet above my bed. I crashed as soon
as I woke up. I think mom is freaked out. I gave her a hug when I went down to
breakfast but I don't think it helped. She seemed really shaken up. I suppose
seeing your son defy gravity would do that.
For some reason I am in such a happy mood today. I think I'm freaking people out
because I can't stop smiling.
I can't wait to see Lex today. I think I'm going to just throw myself at him
when I see him, unless we're in public. Then maybe I will just pinch his ass
stealthily.
~
10:47p - Blow jobs and the perfect end to a great day
Okay so I didn't get to pinch his ass, but I think sucking him off in his office
is way better.
School was great. I couldn't stop smiling. Chloe seemed off but I gave her a big
hug. Not that hugs are the cure for all. I just felt like she needed it,
although she did guess why I was smiling so much. I didn't confirm it. When she
said you look like you got laid, I couldn't stop the blush. I hate that I blush
so easily. Stupid blush response.
I ran into Lex at the Talon and asked if he had any ideas for what book I could
do. He loaned me a copy of The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins. It was the same copy
he meant to give me way back when. I thanked him by getting on my knees and
giving him a blow job. It gave me a high the way he responded to my tongue and
my mouth on his cock.
After he came he returned the favor. I touched his head while he sucked me off
and almost came instantly. He looked so hot on his knees, sucking me off. I
wanted to just slam into his mouth until I was all the way down his throat,
coming deep in his mouth.
I couldn't take my eyes off him. His glistening, red lips stretched around me,
taking me in. I watched every second of it. His mouth is so gorgeous and hot and
wet and looks so beautiful stretched around my cock.
I love Lex's voice, but when his tongue is on me, I have to admit, I love that
more. His tongue is magic. He does this thing with it that just makes my balls
tighten. They tighten if I think about it hard enough. Just thinking about it
now is making me very hard.
When he finished me off I slid to the floor, I couldn't stand anymore. We kissed
and that was so hot. I could taste myself in his mouth. If I hadn't just come
that would have made me hard. It was like a high. I wanted more, so I did throw
myself on him and we made out for a few minutes. It was so amazing just making
out and when I had to leave I felt like I'd just had the best sex ever, even
though it was just a blow job.
I have to go jerk off - a few times.
~
11:06p - picked a book
Lex helped me pick out a book
for my essay.
I've decided to do The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins.
Lex loves it so I think I want to read it. Maybe it will give me some insight
into that gorgeous brain of his. I never talk about that, but Lex is very smart.
He's also very sexy. He has this scar on his top lip that makes me twitch when
he licks it. When his lips are wet they look even better.
~~~
11:58p - changes
School was weird. I found out
something today that totally shocked me. I went to drop off my article for the
newspaper and found Chloe in tears. Her girlfriend cheated on her with another
girl. Last week Lana introduced me to this girl. I didn't think anything of it,
but now I realize Lana has been spending time with her. I saw them together a few
times and I noticed this girl handing out at the Talon. I never thought anything
of it.
I tried to comfort Chloe as best I could. She doesn't want to break up with Lana. I
couldn't help but think of what happened to me. I dropped Lex as soon as I found
out he'd let that lady touch him. I told Chloe to go with her heart since she isn't
me. She won't have the same reactions I had. I hated that Lex did that to me.
I said that maybe she could stay away from Lana just to think things through. She
decided to do that. I'm glad because I hate to see her cry. It hurts to know
that she's hurting like that. My heart just ached when I held her in my arms.
Chloe
is a really good person. I wish this wasn't happening to her.
I invited her over for pie. She stopped by around seven and we had a great time.
I wanted to take her mind off everything. I think it worked. She was smiling
when she left.
When I did the deliveries today I ran into Mr. K. I knew it was inevitable. He
asked me about the night I drove him to the mansion. I think he thought I set
him up with Lex, but I assured him I was just trying to help him. I hate to
think that he would hurt himself by drinking and driving. That sort of behavior
is just plain irresponsible.
Lex had to go on a business trip. He left earlier today. He stopped by to let me
know. We snuck into the barn for a minute for a quick kiss. I was so terrified
dad would catch us, but at the same time I was very excited.
He won't be back for a few days. He went to Switzerland. I've never even been
outside of the state. I miss him already.
I started the book tonight.
~~
10:19p - I have...
... a ton of homework. I
started that book (which my teacher approved). She talked for five minutes about
it. She read it. So far it's pretty good. It's set in the past and there's this
stone people took that had a curse. I'm looking forward to talking to Lex about
it and finding out what it is about the book he loves.
I tried to talk to Lana at school today, but she was always too busy. When I went
to the Talon to see if she had time to talk her aunt N told me to bug off. I
don't think her aunt likes me very much. She always tells me to go away whenever
I try to talk to Lana, and she's around.
As I was leaving the coffee shop I noticed that girl that Chloe said Lana got to know
while Chloe was away in the city over spring break. She's really pretty. I've never
actually talked to her beyond an "excuse me" here or there. The only thing I can
remember about her is that she's very quiet.
Lex is still away. I miss him a huge amount. He's too busy to call, I'm sure.
Dad let me off the hook on chores since I have so much homework. Mom is baking
more pies. The smell is killing me.
I better get cracking.
~~~
11:25p - Okay tell me something
Just because I get driven to school by a guy does that automatically mean gay?
The more I think on this the more it annoys me. I ran into Mr. K on the way to
school. He was on the side of the road with a flat so I helped him fix it, and
in exchange he gave me a ride to school. The car he was driving was sweet; a
black, convertible Beemer.
I forgot to say that we overheard some guys from the football team make nasty
comments about me. Mr. K made a joke and I just brushed it off. I chose to
ignore them. It's not worth it in my opinion.
Anyway, I left Lana alone today. I figure she'll talk to me if she wants to. I did
ask Whitney if she'd talked to him. I didn't think he'd know but I had to see. He
didn't know anything. His dad's been very sick so Whitney has to take care of the
store. I feel bad for him sometimes. I know he wasn't nice to me, but he's
trapped and I can see it in his eyes that he feels that way.
Mom sat me down today to talk about Lex. She wanted to know how things were
going with us. I told her things were great, but I couldn't stop myself from
blushing. I hate that. She asked without saying the words if things have
happened between us. I was so embarrassed. I played dumb. She lost her nerve and
ordered me to go do chores.
Lex didn't call. He's probably very busy. I sent him an e-mail.
Now I want to go back to reading my book. It's interesting.
~~~
1:12a - Busy day today
I woke up at five am to help
dad with the chores. Dad needed to go to the next town again for another part so
after he left I helped mom. After dinner I took my book and went into town to
sit at the coffee shop and read. Lana was working. She thought I didn't want to
talk to her, but the truth is, I want to. I don't know what happened with her,
but she's my friend. I told her to come by the farm tomorrow so we could talk.
She seemed relieved but then she ran off.
Her 'boyfriend' was there with his buddies. He followed her to the back after
she ran off looking really upset. He wasn't pleased with me. He must have
thought I said something to upset her, but after he came back out, he didn't
approach me, he just glared more. I resisted the urge to say something nasty. I
just can't stoop to his level. Although I have to admit he wasn't one of the
guys who made comments yesterday.
My best friend PR showed with a 'hot' date. He saw me sitting alone and came
over to say hi. He thought I was there to stalk Lana. His exact words were 'CK,
you should move on. There are other fish in the sea.' I didn't correct him.
Technically I was there to see Lana, but only to make sure she was okay.
I read the book for a few hours and drank coffee. It was a nice change from the
loft, plus I think mom and dad were doing stuff. The book is interesting. The
language is different, but I understand what's being said. A few times I had to
look up a word, (I brought a dictionary with me) and I had to read some of the
sentence twice to get what it's trying to say. I can't wait to find out what
happens next.
After I came home I stayed out in the loft to do some stargazing. The sky was so
pretty tonight. I miss Lex more today. He e-mailed back to say he'd been home
some time tonight. I think I'll wait for him to call. If he's tired I don't want
to bother him.
~
2:12a
- Stars
I stare at the sky and wonder which star is mine. Where did I come from? I spend
nights staring up into the heavens, wondering.
I couldn't wait. I had to see him now. I went over to the mansion, but Lex was
asleep. He must have been really tired since he was passed out on his bed still
in his pants and shirt. He didn't even take off his socks. He looked so peaceful
I didn't want to wake him so I just watched for a while. He looks so young and
almost angelic. No masks no guard-up, just pure Lex. I wondered if his mind was
still moving a mile a minute even in sleep.
He moaned a few unintelligible words. I'd like to think it was my name, but I
couldn't really tell. Maybe it was just general mumbling. I wonder if he has
nightmares. I have them still. I had the dream again where nobody pulled me down
from the cross in the field.
I still can't sleep. I feel restless. Almost like I should be doing something
but I'm not really sure what.
~~
11:46 pm - Mm
My day
ended well despite it being bumpy.
School was school. I stopped by the Talon to see if Lana could spare a few
seconds. We went to the back to talk. That girl was there, sitting in a corner
watching Lana. I told Lana I thought that was unfair to Chloe to have her there where
Chloe could run into her. Lana didn't agree and we got into a little argument.
Apparently you could hear us all the way out into the coffee shop because Lex
came back to see what all the noise was about. I left it up to Lana to say
something but she just told him it was personal. I can see why she wouldn't want
Lex to know she's screwed things up with Chloe for a kiss with another girl. I just
can't believe Lana lets that girl hang out at the Talon like that.
I left after that with Lex. We went back to the mansion and hung out for a few
hours. Then I had to go home for dinner and homework. Now I'm taking a break.
~~
12:00a - Mm cock
Lex tasted so good today. He smelled amazing. When he parked the car I couldn't
hold back any longer. I dived on him, and we made out in the car. I was so
excited I broke off the door handle on his side when I grabbed for a handhold. I
tossed it in the back seat. Lex just shrugged and didn't say anything.
We moved inside to the TV room. I was so excited I came in my jeans. It's not as
embarrassing as it used to be. I couldn't leave him all hard so I sucked him
off. I love how I can make him all weak and speechless. Plus, I love having his
cock in my mouth. It's like I own him in that moment. He's all mine and nobody
and nothing can get in the way.
I wish I could wake up every morning and suck him off.
If only things were so simple.
~~
12:02a
I am so tired of my dad thinking that Lex will cart me off to some lab if he
finds out my secret. It stresses me out enough already that I can't tell Lex,
and listening to dad drone on and on about it just makes it worse.
Dad practically said
it today that if the evil Luthors find out about me they'd have me hacked into
pieces.
I know Lex would never do this, but I can't tell dad how I know, and as long as
I'm his son, living in his house,
I have to listen to him.
Dad found out about Lex investigating the accident. I blurted it out that I knew
all along and that Lex has left it behind us. Bad move on my part. Dad freaked.
It was nice to just be at the mansion. At one point Lex quietly sat down close
beside me. We kissed and it was like fireworks. I feel so hot and out of
control. I want him to devour me. I felt so free and happy.
Being with Lex is the most calming and most wonderful thing in the world. I want
to cry at the unfairness of it. I love him. Why can't things be easier for us?
This is going to give me nightmares.
~
12:09a - Have you ever...
Said something you wish you could take back?
I had a huge fight with my dad. I felt so bad. I tried to backtrack but I could
see it in his eyes. It was too late.
I went straight over to the mansion right after.
Every year my dad and I go fishing. We've been doing it since I was seven. He
doesn't seem to get that I'm not seven any more. I tried to get him to see that
maybe we could do something else, like go see the football game. Lex offered to
give us box seats! How could my dad turn that down? Instead my dad refuses it
(probably because it's Lex who offered the tickets to us). I am so sick of his
attitude toward Lex. I know part of why I'm so angry at him is because of what
he said about Lex.
When I was at the coffee shop today I ran into Lex and he told me about Mr.
Big's idea of what a fishing trip is. His dad is really weird. I can't imagine
having a father like that.
While I was there I saw Lana crying right after she got a phone call. I was so
worried I asked what was wrong. Whitney's dad had another heart attack. I went with
Lana to see him in the hospital since Whitney was MIA. We sort of worked things out on
the way over to the hospital. I apologized for being out of line about that
girl. Then we just put things aside for Mr. F's sake.
It's been such a busy day. My mom made me help her with her Mobile Meals. She
likes to do a lot of volunteer work. I really don't like helping her. I have to
confess I find old sick people hard to deal with. I never know what to say or do
around them.
After the fight with dad I stayed at the mansion as long as I could. I wanted
dad to be asleep when I got home. It was so nice to just be near Lex especially
since the day had been so hectic.
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