The good and the bad
The good news is, school is over. I lived through another year. The bad news is, I was outed. The whole town now knows that I am gay. Maybe not the whole town, but almost the whole town or maybe by now it is the whole town, and possibly a few counties nearby. It happened last Thursday. I've been dealing with that for a few days. It wasn't the most fun I've ever had, and my parents say that it will all be fine eventually.
Let's see. So far I've been called faggot about thirty-two times when they wanted me to hear. Then there were the eighty or so times (I lost track) where they thought I couldn't hear. Luckily, I don't have to go to gym class anymore. A few guys from the football team let me know that if I looked at their asses I would be in deep shit. I told them they don't have asses worth looking at. Then one guy tried to hit me. I stopped him just short of breaking every bone in his hand. Dad found two flats on the truck yesterday when he went into town. He reassured me that it was just a coincidence and that it had nothing to do with me. I do think the graffiti on the side of the barn we found when we got home had everything to do with me. It's not like they were talking about the cows or something else when they sprayed FAG in huge letters across my parents' barn.
At first I was horrified. It felt like my privacy had been invaded. I never even thought about being out. Lana and Chloe are both out, and that was hard at first, but it's mostly fine now. They still get the occasion doofus bothering them, but Chloe said that it's no big deal really. She thought my being out was great. She pointed out that I wouldn't have to hide who I am anymore. I guess she's right. It's not like I was hiding it really. I just wasn't running down Main Street screaming about it at the top of my lungs. In some ways it's a relief, but in other ways, I'm not thrilled about this. I've never liked my private life to be public. In such a small town it's hard to hide things. I've managed up until now.
I even went to the Talon today. It was the first time I'd been in town since I was outed on Thursday. Lana was happy to see me. She even told off two guys who made rude remarks, and then when they wouldn't shut up, she kicked them out of her coffee shop. That was amusing.
I probably shouldn't laugh at this, but today, Lex came storming into the loft, arms waving, ranting about damage control and how he'd fix everything. He was talking so fast, I barely understood what he was saying. I think it was something about leaving town or nobody finding the bodies. I was so glad to see him that I just let him go on until he finally stopped talking. Then I grabbed his arms, told him to look into my eyes and broke the news that somebody had outed me at school. He said he'd gone to the Talon and that Pete snubbed him and that he'd overheard people saying that they knew about me. He thought they meant they knew about my alien secret.
I did the only thing I could do at that point -- because he looked so darned cute -- I kissed him and told him that I love him. He was still mad at me for not telling him that I was outed. I was going to tell him, I just hadn't gotten around to it.
I dragged him to the sofa while he interrogated me about how this happened and why Pete doesn't think he's good for me. I just wanted Lex to stop talking and kiss me. Sometimes he has to analyze everything to death.
As I stripped us both, I reassured him that people only thought that I was gay, and that it didn't extend to them thinking that everybody I knew was also gay. I told him they do not know about us. He apologized for being so busy. Once I touched his penis, he stopped talking and kissed me and we had hot sex on the carpet. I topped and it felt awesome, and I was more than happy to be gay at that point since Lex is so hot when he's naked under me and making those amazing noises that he makes when I do that thing with my tongue.
Oh, and I have been reassured that I do not look gay. Do people think about what they're going to say before they say it? Seriously, how can anybody think that's a nice thing to say to somebody? I wonder what they would say if they found out I wasn't from around here. I don't look like an alien, that's for sure.
I even looked at myself in the mirror for an hour to see if I could see the gay or the alien. All I could see was a guy with dark, curly hair, green eyes, and big teeth.
~
I was outed
On Thursday, I went to school to find that people were gossiping -- about me. I discovered that they were saying that I like boys, I like to take it up the--, etc. My private life was thrown out into the light of day.
I did some investigating with Chloe's help and discovered that this girl in my English class Sarah has a brother who works at Belle Reve where Alec was sent after he went a little off the edge and tried to kill Lex. Remember him from a couple months back? He was the guy that was obsessed with me. That was how it got around. It seems Sarah is a huge gossip and she gossiped really loudly about me. Pete defended me to anybody who would actually dare to say something to my face. Most people weren't brave enough. I'm a big guy.
It's now a few days since it all happened and I'm still here. There have been a few incidents, but nothing I couldn't handle. I even made a few new friends who approached me and told me that they are hiding their own gayness. I'm not sure why they felt they could tell me, but it was nice to know that I had some friends on my side.
So, now I'm out of the closet. The town knows I'm a boy-loving faggot. Chloe and Lana said they'd be my fag-hags. They've both been really great. Chloe is ecstatic. I told her that it's not all that great since I still won't be able to walk down the town's main strip hand-in-hand with Lex, not that Lex and I are really big hand-holders. It is a relief to not have to hide it or pretend to be straight. No more fake dates, girls hinting that I should ask them out or anything like that.
Mom said that a few people have cancelled their produce orders. She said they claimed they don't need them anymore. I know the real reason. My parents said that it will be fine and next week people will be talking about something else and they'll have completely forgotten all about me. At least school is over. I won't have to go back to that place again until September and it will be my last year in high school. I was so glad to take my stuff home from my locker on Friday. I got pushed a few times by some guys from the football team, but I took it in stride. I even got in a few good lines and made the quarterback blush. That was funny. I think he likes me. Man, now I might have to worry about guys hitting on me!
I didn't manage to tell Lex in time. I was going to but things got crazy and we were both so busy. He heard about it secondhand in town and came rushing over to console me. It was so cute the way he rushed into the loft and vowed to make somebody pay. Then I took his clothes off, and we had some amazing, hot, gay sex. I plan on having a lot more gay sex with him as often and as many times as humanly possible.
I better get going. Dad is going to kick my ass if I don't get to work. I have a million chores to do. I guess I can't say I'm too emotionally distressed as an out gay man. He'd never fall for that.
~
It's great to be free
I woke up thinking I'd slept in and that I'd be late for school. When I realized that school was over and I didn't have to go, I lay back and jerked off (because I woke up hard) to thoughts of Lex. I imagined that we were spending the summer together and every morning I would wake up with him beside me. I closed my eyes and pictured us both naked, his cock in my mouth and my cock in his mouth. It didn't take long for me to come. I shot all over my chest and face.
Then I got up and had a shower and jerked off in the shower. I'm still feeling horny almost all the time. Maybe Lex would be up to us going somewhere together and spending some time alone. I couldn't get him on the phone this morning but I left a message, saying that I was thinking of him.
After breakfast, Dad put me to work and now I am all hot and sweaty. I have to go into town with Dad to get a few things. Luckily the rest of my weekend was pretty quiet. Nobody bothered me, but I did stay home for most of it. Chloe stopped by last night to see how I was doing. She suggested that maybe we could all go into the city together sometime. She even suggested that we drag Pete along for the fun. We made a date to get together in the next few weeks.
Now I have to get back to work. I have a ton of fence posts to replace and I have a tractor to move.
~
Not the best weekend
I was really busy with work here. My Dad is a total slave driver but I don't mind. It keeps my mind off other things, like the fact that Lex seems to be nowhere to be found. He hasn't been in town for a few days and he isn't answering my calls. I've left voice messages, but he never calls back to explain why he's not around. I figured he was doing business so I left it at that, but now I'm concerned. When I was at the Talon on Sunday, some guy in a suit talked to Lana. After he left, I asked her about it. She said he was asking about who owned the place.
Oh -- something totally out of the blue and somewhat surprising, Lana has decided to go to Paris for the summer. She said she needs to get away from Smallville and see something of the world. Her aunt is going to pay for everything. That was a big surprise. I had no clue she was even thinking about going away. I'm really happy for her. it sounds like she's got it all figured out. I asked about her and Chloe, and she said that they were still dating and that they are committed to each other just as much as ever. I was glad to hear that. She said she'd only be gone for the summer anyway.
Chloe seems okay with it. She's got another internship for the summer at the Daily Planet newspaper. She said I could visit her any time I want. I think that was her way of saying that she wants me to be there as much as possible to keep her company.
As for me, I'm gay! I am sure nobody knew that at all. I did get hit on. I know he was hitting on me and he can deny it all he wants, but that attempt to touch my chest and pretend it was just an accident was no accident. Jason is a nice guy. I think he's really cool, but I told him straight out that I wasn't interested. He is kind of hot though, so I'm sure he'll find somebody.
I'm going to try to talk to Lex tonight again. I called over at the mansion and sweet-talked security into telling me that Lex is in the city and that he's supposed to come into Smallville tonight. I'm going to spy on him. I think I'd be a great spy. Maybe that's what I should do for a living. Think of the stuff I could overhear, and the places I could go, especially now that I can fly.
Speaking of flying, I did it again the other day. It was really cool. This time I tried to control it more. It was so hard. I wish I could get the hang of taking off. That's the hardest part. That and landing. I almost always end up on my butt. Good thing I have a hard ass among other things.
~
Why does he do it?
I followed Lex last night. I can't believe what I found out: He's working with the FBI. They're investigating his father. I saw him talking to some guy in a van then I followed Lex back to his car. I couldn't believe what Lex was up to. I told him about how some guy who must have been FBI was bothering Lana. I kind of got pissed off. This is such a dangerous game he's playing.
Lex was wearing a wire. I saw it when I x-rayed him. I was so pissed off that I ripped his shirt open and tore the wire off of him. Then we had a huge fight. I was so furious. I grabbed him and kissed him as hard as I could. Then I practically tore the door off his car and shoved him in. I probably shouldn't have done it right there, but I wasn't thinking straight. I ripped the rest of his clothes off and fucked him in the back seat.
When it was over, we drove back to the mansion so he could get some clothes. I think he was still mad at me. I told him he has to stop this game with his father. Other people could get caught in the middle. I'm worried for Lex. His father threatened me, and I haven't forgotten that he knows my weakness. I have to figure something out. What if Lex finds out about the very thing Lionel tried to stop him from knowing? What if he does it to Lex again? He could.
Lex said the FBI has been investigating his father for a long time now. I can't even believe all of this has been happening to somebody I know.
I just hope Lex is careful. He said he knows what he's doing, but so many what ifs keep running through my mind...
I talked to Mom and Dad after I came home last night from the mansion. I had to tell them everything, but they're worried that I might get caught in the middle. I'm not sure how that could happen. Dad wants me to stop going to the mansion and cool things with Lex until things get less tense. Then dad told me that the FBI stopped by the house a few days ago when I was out. I wish they'd told me sooner. Why would they want to talk to my parents? Are they talking to everybody that knows Lex?
I feel so out of control all of a sudden. Last night when I finally went to bed, I was sure that I could handle things. Now I'm not sure about anything.
~
I talked to Lex last night
I was really anxious all day yesterday because of what my parents had told me, so late last night I went by the mansion to talk to Lex. I don't know why, but it felt kind of weird and awkward. I told Lex about the FBI talking to my parents. They had even asked about me, which made Dad really angry. Lex wasn't thrilled to hear about this, and he said he'd take care of it and that he had everything under control.
I left after that because it was really late and I had to get home. I was a little angry by the time I was done talking. After I went home, I lay in bed for a long time, thinking about things. I really love Lex. I do. Sometimes, it's hard for me to understand why he does some of the things he does. I just wish he could not be a part of that world. Lionel is like poison for Lex.
Dad told me again this morning to cool things off with Lex and not to be around him so much. Now that Lex has these guys always around, Dad thinks it's too risky for me. He's afraid somebody might see me using one of my abilities. He's probably right.
I have to get back to work. I've got a whole field to clear and I have to do it at human speed just in case somebody's watching me. Dad kindly reminded me of that reporter from a few years ago who saw me do stuff and even had a record of it. I hate going at human speed. It's a total pain in the ass. It's going to take hours to do something I could have done so much faster. I keep forgetting to not go faster and then I mess up and then I can't judge how much I should be able to lift. It's annoying, but I guess Dad's right.
I wish I could just fly off someplace. Maybe out to space again. That was so much simpler than being down here on earth.
~
Things get worse
I spent almost all day yesterday doing chores and didn't get inside until late. I found my parents watching the news. Lionel was arrested yesterday morning. It's the top news story this morning. They're not saying what he was arrested for, but they are saying he's now in jail without bail because the multiple charges against him are enough that they fear he'd flee the country. I guess being that rich isn't always a bonus.
I went to sleep last night wondering what would happen next. I couldn't get a hold of Lex at first. His assistant, Molly Briggs, talked to me for a few minutes to let me know that things were really insane right now and that Lex would get back to me as soon as he could. She told me he's been in meetings since Lionel was arrested.
Lex finally called me back to let me know that he'd be very busy. Go figure. I already knew that part, but he said he didn't have time to talk. He said something about the board of directors and meetings all day and probably all weekend. Then he said he had to go because they were having a press conference. I guess I'll see him on the six o'clock news.
I hope everything is going to be okay. I have to get back to work because there is ton of work to be done. Lex did say that the FBI won't be bothering me or my friends and family anymore. At least there's that. He said mom called him last night to see how he was doing. I was a little surprised at that since mom hadn't mentioned it to me last night.
Now I really have to get back to work. Dad is shouting for me to get my sorry, lazy butt in gear. I haven't done anything all day. Plus Chloe is coming over this afternoon to hang out. Lana leaves in a few days for Paris. So much is happening all at once.
~
Another wonderful weekend
Actually, my weekend was pretty good. I spent some time with Chloe. I mostly held her while she cried. She doesn't want Lana to go away to Paris. I told her that she should tell Lana how she feels, but Chloe said that Lana is so excited about the whole thing that she can't burst her bubble. I also promised to hang out with Chloe more during the summer. She's going to be very busy working at the Daily Planet, what with the whole Luthor arrest. They need all the ace reporters they can get. She also said that her cousin, Lois (joy... I can't wait to see her again -- NOT!) is also going to spend some time here during the summer.
Lex is very busy. He was in meetings all weekend and almost all day yesterday. I did talk to him briefly, and I did get to see him on the news. He held a press conference and I had ask if he wanted me to be there for moral support, but he said it was better if I stayed away. He doesn't want me involved in any of this. I guess being in the spotlight would not be good for me. My parents totally agreed with him on this.
Speaking of parents, for Father's Day I gave my dad the day off. He was not allowed to do anything at all. He was ordered to kick back and enjoy himself. We did watch a soccer game together. My favorite part was when one team scored and the guys in very short shorts hugged and kissed. That was totally worth watching.
I did all the chores and I even cooked all the meals. Thankfully, Mom was there to help. Otherwise I might have burned everything. When I came in from chores I found my parents on the sofa about to do it! My dad had his shirt off and my mom... let's just say that it was a very traumatic experience. I ran out of there as fast as I could. At least they're still hot for each other. That's nice to know.
Now I need to get my ass in gear because there's going to be a going away party for Lana at the Talon. My mom is taking over the management of the place since Lana won't be doing it anymore. I have stuff to do for Mom, and then I have to do some work on the barn. A part of the wall was somehow trashed. I have no idea how that happened. None at all, and that is the story I am telling my parents. (That football was not involved at all)
~
It's been a busy few days
I spent last night with Chloe. She was in dire need of a friend since Lana left for Paris yesterday afternoon. The going away party we threw for Lana went well, except for one thing. Lex didn't show like he'd promised. Instead he sent flowers and a card. At least he remembered. I have to admit I was a little upset. I couldn't understand why he couldn't spare a few hours for a good friend. Considering Lana is going to be away for a long while, it would make sense for him to put things on hold just for one night, but I guess he was too busy. Since his father was arrested, he seems to be too busy for anything to do with me.
I realize he has a company to run. He's now the CEO or whatever of LuthorCorp. That's just great for him, but not so great for us. I'm going to try to be understanding. I asked a few times if he wanted me to be nearby while he dealt with press and stuff, but he said it was better for me to stay away since we all know what the media can be like. I was okay with that, until I saw the news last night.
Chloe was in my arms sobbing her heart out and telling me every detail of how she and Lana had fallen in love. I was sort of paying attention. I was there for some of that, but that was cool. I didn't mind listening to her. She needed me. We'd just finished watching a movie, and I wanted to see the news in case Lex was there someplace. He was. It was yet another press conference. This time Lex was reassuring the media that he was more than capable of handling the company and that his shareholders shouldn't worry. I tuned it all out when I spotted Bruce standing just behind Lex and to his left.
Bruce was with Lex. in fact right after they showed the press conference the news spent a few minutes talking about how Bruce Wayne, Lex's very good friend, flew out here from Gotham city to support Lex in his time of need. As if I wasn't willing and I wasn't there for Lex all this time. Bruce could be there, but not me. It's too risky for me to be there.
I was so furious when I saw that report that I crushed the glass I was holding, and Chloe saw me do it! I had to fake that I was hurt. She rushed to get Mom and by the time Mom got up to the loft, I'd wrapped my hand up with a cloth, pretending I had cut myself. Chloe left after that and Mom and I went inside to "put bandages" on my fake cuts.
I feel so stupid for losing control of my strength and over what I am sure is nothing. So what if Lex wanted Bruce there and not me. Big deal, right?
I think I need to go for a run.
~
Crap!
Today I was subpoenaed to testify at Lionel's trial! Why didn't Lex tell me about this before some strange guy asked if I'm Clark Kent and then handed me that piece of paper? I have to find out this way? He could have taken two seconds out of his busy day to call and let me know. My parents are really upset. They do not want me to do it, but I could go to jail if I don't.
This totally sucks!
~
How did this happen?
Everything was going great. Lex came over last night, and I was so happy to see him. The first kiss was awesome. I never wanted it to end. When I held him in my arms, I felt safe. I was so glad that he was back. My parents were out, so I chanced it, and we had the most amazing sex ever. I wanted to show him how much I love him. I wanted him to see how much he means to me.
Then afterwards, we talked. All I said was that I thought maybe Bruce should go home since Lex didn't need him. That made him upset. Then I freaked out. Lex is just so obsessed with his father. I just don't understand why he has to keep doing this. His father is such a dangerous man. He's a danger to me and a danger to Lex. He almost killed Lex! This is just insane. I'm shaking so hard, thinking about it.
I was so frustrated and angry. It just came out and then it was too late. I'd said it, and I had to finish what I started. And now Lex knows that I've known this all the time, and chose not to tell him.
Lex was furious that I'd kept it from him all this time. I tried to explain to him that I was trying to protect him. I didn't want Lionel to hurt him more or, worse, kill him. But I stood by, knowing what Lionel had done to Lex and what lengths he'd gone to, and I let Lex fight him blind. I tried to explain to Lex that I was afraid of what Lionel would do, but Lex said I should have trusted him to protect me. He said that fear is part of being alive and that a true test of friendship is to rise above my fear, and that I failed that test.
He's right. I made such a stupid mistake and I don't know if Lex will ever forgive me.
Mom and Dad didn't get home until long after Lex had left. I spent all night on the sofa in the loft. I told them this morning what had happened between Lex and me. Dad thinks I did the right thing. He said what I didn't want to admit. I was just trying to protect myself. I was afraid Lionel would find out my secret. Mom thinks that I should give Lex time to calm down. She's convinced that Lex will forgive me.
How could he ever forgive me? Lex was right. I totally failed him. I should have trusted him and not listened to Lionel. I should have told Lex what I knew. Then at least he wouldn't have had to go through everything he's gone through to get to this point.
Then at least he wouldn't hate me right now.
~
06:30 pm
Why now?
I've started to hear a voice in my head. It's calling me to the caves. It's Jor-El.
~
It's over
I did something very stupid and now Lex knows. I can't say what it is because it relates to the case against his father. All I can say is that I knew something that I should have told Lex, but I was too afraid to because his father threatened me and him. Now Lex knows that I kept it from him all this time and he's angry. I think it's over between us for good. He left Sunday night and we haven't talked since. I tried to call, him but he's not taking my calls. I don't blame him at all. I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself.
I thought I could go to him and maybe we could work it out, so I went by the mansion last night. I was terrified at what would happen, but I wasn't going to give up. When I got there, I found Lex with Bruce. It looks like Lex has moved on. I didn't bother to stick around. I left and went home.
My parents are worried about me, but I'll be fine -- in a few hundred years.
~
08:35 pm
I float among the clouds
Last night when I saw Lex with Bruce, I didn't just walk away, I flew. I didn't stick around long enough to find out what they were doing. They were up in Lex's private rooms. They looked comfortable, and they were sitting close together. Bruce had his hand on Lex's shoulder and they were in their pajamas. I think it's over between Lex and me. Lex has moved on. He's never going to forgive me for the mistake I made. He's right not to forgive me. I should have told him. I shouldn't have listened to Lionel. I let my fears rule me and now it's lost me the one person I love more than anything in the world.
I flew for what felt like forever. For some reason that I can't even explain, I could suddenly control my every movement when I was up there. I soared above the clouds. I looked down on the planet I've lived on for almost my entire life and realized that I will never be accepted as anything more than a freak. The voice in my head grew louder as I glided effortlessly over treetops. It told me that I have a destiny and that it's time I accept who and what I am.
I think I wanted to fly away forever. I was tempted to see what else is out there among the stars, maybe even fly all the way back to where Krypton used to be.
Eventually, I came down to earth and I went to the caves. The voice was strongest when I was there. It surrounded me and filled my mind with promises of a life meant to be mine. It told me that I will be much happier as Kal-El.
Maybe it's right. I didn't give in or I wouldn't even be here, but maybe I should. I haven't got anything preventing me from taking what's mine. I am Kal-El of Krypton and I have a destiny. It's time I stop turning my back on what I'm meant to be.
My parents will understand. I'm not human and I never will be no matter how hard I try to pretend.
~
I am Kal-El
Last night I tried to call Lex again, but he refuses to talk to me, so I gave up. If he won't even talk to me, how am I supposed to have any hope of repairing the damage I've done?
I'm going to the caves. I have no idea what will happen to me when I get there, but I can't ignore the voice any longer. It's so loud that it drowns all other thoughts in my mind.
I left a note for my parents.
To Jonathan and Martha
Thanks for everything you've done for me. I would never have become the man I am today if it wasn't for your kindness and your endless patience. It couldn't have been easy. I love you both so much.
I've decided to embrace my true self. Please don't follow me. I promise I will never forget you.
Love
Your son
Clark Kent
This might be the last time I write in this journal. I'm going to miss it, but now that Lex doesn't want me, there's nothing left for me here.
best viewed at 1024x768.
Disclaimer: Smallville is owned by DC Comics.