10:37 pm
It's been a week since I've seen him
I've had so much time to think. I can wake up when I want. I can do whatever I want. I slept in until one today. I never realized how tired
I was until this past week. Jonathan really worked me hard. He can't push me around anymore. I won't be another tool like his combine or
that stupid tractor. If he'd just taken Lex's money, then maybe they wouldn't be in so much trouble.
That doesn't matter any more. They are my past, and it looks like Lex is, too. He's still missing. I wake up every morning thinking I'll
find him in bed beside me. When I realize he isn't there, I turn on the news to see if there are any new developments with the search, but
there's nothing. He's gone. Not even Bruce Wayne's millions can bring him back.
I miss him so much. If it hadn't been for my bastard of a father I could have talked to Lex, but all these "ifs" running around in my head
are driving me insane. I want to crush everything in my path until the pain goes away. If only I'd stayed at the mansion that night. Instead
of listening to that voice in my head, I could have gone back to the mansion that night. Instead of wallowing in my own pathetic fears, I
could have gone to talk to Lex about the room. Maybe if I had, Lex would be here right now with me.
In the news today, Lionel said he'd stop at nothing and will not give up hope that his son will be found alive. He didn't look very hopeful.
There's something he's not telling the media, but that's not a shock. That rat is nothing but a liar.
I ran to both coasts today and screamed at the top of my lungs. I want to find Lex, but I don't know where to start. I screamed until my
throat hurt, but all I got were strange looks from a wino.
Nobody I meet even comes close to the thrill I felt when I was with Lex. I could easily find a new girl or guy. They all look at me, dressed
in my new clothes, and hunger to touch my body, but they are all unworthy. I hate this town. Maybe I'll leave it all behind.
~
03:17 pm
It burns
The city in the daytime is stifling. Today I walked around aimlessly until the scar started to burn. This time it happened right in the
middle of downtown Metropolis in broad daylight. I don't know why I didn't put the ring back on right after I removed it. That me,
the one who lived on the farm and wore the ugly flannel shirts and acted like an idiot every time Lex looked my way? He's dead. I want to
kill him for good. He's nothing but a whiny, complaining, moping, pathetic idiot who didn't know enough to come in from the cold. He let
himself be ordered around by some sanctimonious humans. He hid in that town, behind shy looks and an egoless demeanor. He let the world tell
him how to run his life. He let the Kents control him for way too long. Those days are over.
The real 'me' wants to be free. He wants Lex under him, over him, in him. He wants the world to part in his path. He wants the world to
leave him alone. He wants to stop hiding behind the mask of a shy farm boy who never once bothered to question Jonathan Kent's word.
Kal is the real me. He is who I want to be.
This town is so boring. I want out. I want to be free. The voice in my head stopped after I destroyed the ship. Why am I still in Kansas?
I am going for a ride on my bike.
~
03:24 pm
Why?
Why did he leave me? He said we were forever. He said it was us forever, together. I have the ring on my necklace to prove it. I have his word, but he left me anyway.
~
08:26 pm
My Friday
I woke up really, really, really late and loved every second of it. Then I jerked off because the dream I'd had about Lex was hot, and I was
so hard! Then I took a long, hot bath with bubbles, and then I went out to a coffee shop around the corner. This really cute guy hit on me,
but I had to turn him down since I am taken. He gave me his number just in case.
Then I went out on my bike, but I didn't have anywhere to go so I came back here and watched some more QAF. I ordered in pizza and now I am
totally bored. I need to get out tonight. It's Friday and I looked up a few gay bars around town. I think I'll check some of them out. The
Xcalibur Club's happy hour lasts all day and I have ID now. Domestic long necks are cheap. Why does that sound sleazy?
~
04:07 pm
Man, Batman is wicked cool.
I ran to Gotham last night. I didn't use the front door to get into Wayne manor. I found an alternate entrance to the cave Bruce uses for
his alter ego. Alfred was there when I arrived at the 'bat cave.' I think I scared him a little. Bruce was not happy to see me enter his
little secret hideaway. I didn't really care. I needed to know what he was doing to find Lex. He seemed almost concerned about my own mental
state. I told him I'd be fine. I am fine. I just want Lex found. I have to tell Lex that I don't hate him. I am sure he thinks I do. I am
sure he flogged himself over the secrets he hid for so long. That is so like him, always so concerned he'll corrupt me. As if he could. That
room shouldn't come between us. I hate him for doing it. I hate that he still investigated me even after I told him everything. I've never
told anybody as much as I told him.
I hate him! I hate that he just can't leave things alone. I'm so pissed that he would do that. Why Lex? Why didn't you trust me? Where did
you go in such a hurry? Were you trying to get away from me? Were you afraid I'd come after you and hurt you for lying to me? I bet the
reason he's missing is because of me. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I destroyed the Kents, so why shouldn't Lex's
disappearance be my fault?
I wanted to see how Bruce was doing with his search for Lex. He's as clueless as the rest of them. He has no idea where Lex went or where
Lex is. I thought for sure he'd have some idea, but it seems that even with all his resources he's turning up as empty-handed as Lionel. I
had to go see for myself.
Bruce will probably call the Kents now that he's talked to me. I shouldn't have gone there. He was so useless. I wanted to see what his
reasons for looking for Lex were. I needed to know if it was because he wanted Lex for himself. They had this thing together. I can never
touch what he meant to Lex, but so what? I can be as cool as Bruce. I'm who Lex wants now, and Bruce is busy with his Dick (so easy). When
Lex comes back, I'll strap him down to my bed and make him forget he ever knew Bruce Wayne.
Bruce has a nice place, and Dick has it good. I never realized how naughty his name could be. There are just so many jokes you could make. I
like Dick: that was too easy. I can't stop laughing. I helped myself to Bruce's wallet when it was in his back pocket. He didn't even feel
me move. I just wanted to see if I could do it, and I was right, I could. I think I'm faster now.
After I talked to Bruce, I left his place to check out the Gotham nightlife. It was much more exciting there than here in this boring city.
I should shake things up. Metropolis is so dead compared to Gotham.
I should get a costume and fight some bad guys. Batman was so cool to watch. He even has a sidekick. I had no idea how hot Dick really is.
He looked good in his Robin getup and the mask was so cool. I watched them work for a while, but then it got a little boring so I moved on
to some nice clubs in Gotham.
I wonder what Bruce would say if I did some crime-fighting? I ran home late last night and took my bike out for a cruise. Edge's boys were
out. They are such a bunch of losers. I totally loved the look on their faces when I stopped them from robbing that jewelry store. One of
them shot me in the chest. The look on his face was priceless when he realized that the bullet bounced off me. I wore a ski mask so they
wouldn't know who I was. It was so much fun. I loved the adrenaline rush as I threw them around like they were nothing but rag dolls. So the
place got a little trashed, but nothing was taken and those guys are now sitting in prison where they belong. I totally kicked their asses.
The police should thank me. I should get a superhero name. That would be so cool. Maybe it could be something like Batman's name.
Studman, Darkman ('cause I dress all in black just like Bruce)... I'll come up with something. This is going to be so much fun. I can't wait
to tell Lex that I am going to be a superhero just like in his comic books. Lex would be proud.
~
10:01 pm
Lazy days
I went out to this very popular club last night and sat and drank some beers. I was hit on a lot, but I wasn't into anybody or being with
anybody. It was kind of boring actually, but it was either go out or stay in all night to surf the net or watch yet another report about how
Lex is still missing. It's still the lead story. Every time they call him the country's most eligible bachelor, I want to throw something at
the television.
I left the club at around one and walked around the city. It's so much nicer at night. I love how alive it becomes over the weekend. It's
invigorating. I found a few other clubs and made some new friends, but nothing permanent and I did not let anybody grope me. This guy
tried to touch the ring on my necklace, but I broke his fingers. I didn't mean to. He just pissed me off and I grabbed him a little too
hard. Besides he was trying to rob me, and there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen. I had to leave that club right
after that incident, but I didn't care. There's no way I'm ever going back there.
I didn't get home until much later. I spent some time talking to this really nice hooker. We had a chance to talk about our respective life
choices. She even said she has an LJ. It takes all kinds, I guess. She offered me a freebie but I said no thanks. After that some guy drove
up so she had to get back to work.
I had the most relaxing day today. I woke up extra late, since I'd gone out the night before to a club. Today I spent most of my day out in
the sun on the balcony. It was so nice to just drift off to sleep in the warmth. I did some more reading and a lot of lounging. I love it
here. I am never going back to that town again. This is where I belong and when Lex returns, everything will be perfect.
~
01:46 pm
I need to get past this
The scar burned again this morning. I took the ring off, and then I called home. Mom answered the phone. I shouldn't have called. When I
heard her voice, I started to cry. I couldn't talk. I froze. I couldn't say anything, and when she asked who was there for the third time, I
hung up. I miss her so much, but I can't go back there. I heard Mom's voice and all I could think was how much she'd hate me, and I couldn't
take that. I just couldn't live with her disappointment. It was hard enough hearing it from Dad. His words haunt me every night. He was
right. I didn't think about the consequences.
I hope Bruce doesn't totally hate me. The things I did when I went to see in him Gotham... I picked his pocket! Then those guys I beat up in
the jewelry store. I think I broke one guy's arm.
I went out without the ring on to get coffee and pick up a copy of the Daily Planet. Lex's story is now a small column on the third page.
I'm going to put the ring back on again. At least with the ring, I can pretend none of this is happening. I try not to think about the fact
that Lex might never come back. I try not to think about the fact that he might already be dead.
~
02:46 pm
Spending money makes everything all better
I had such a crappy morning that I decided to get myself some nice new toys. I ordered a few accessories from the net. The site said the
wrist restraints are made of the strongest leather you can buy, and the leather choker I ordered looks awesome. They should arrive in a few
days. I couldn't resist. I can't wait to try the choker on. The restraints aren't for me. I just thought they looked cool and I want to test
how strong this leather is. I wonder: if I break them do you think the company would reimburse me?
I need some cash fast because the money I got from Bruce didn't last long. I know just where to get some. Edge is so obliging, and his men
are so dumb. I'm glad they were released from prison. Now I can kick the crap out of them again.
I better get my ass in gear if I want to catch them in time.
~
10:46 pm
I had such a great time last night
I am going back to the same club tonight. I went out last night after acquiring some much needed funds, and this time the place I picked was
just what I needed. It had everything I wanted. The best part was all the pretty boys. It was like a pretty-boy bomb had gone off, or that I
was in an episode of QAF. All those writhing bodies! I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. I mostly sat and drank beers at the bar and
watched people dance. I love to watch people dance. They're lost in their own worlds when they're up there on the floor. Two guys actually
did it right there on the dance floor. They even managed to slip on a condom.
I went home alone and jerked off a few times, then passed out. There is no amount of beer that could ever make me forget Lex.
In other news, I am very, very, very relaxed right now. Oh and the stuff I ordered arrived today. The choker looks awesome.
~
02:39 pm
I went out again, last night
I had a great time. I watched the dancers again and this one guy danced just for me. His mouth was so pretty, and when he blew a kiss my
way, I almost jumped him right there. He disappeared later on, so it's just as well. I went home alone and fantasized that I saw Lex at the
club, but we were strangers. So sweet! I have never been so happy to have a perfect memory.
It's so hot today. The cool thing is I can walk around in my boxers.
I think I'm going to eat out at a fancy place tonight. I feel like treating myself.
~
08:08 pm
Two weeks
Lex has been missing for two long agonizing weeks. He should never have left. He shouldn't have taken off. He never should have run from me.
Instead, I'm alone. When I look in the mirror and see that necklace around my neck, the ring he gave me just a short time ago is still
there. I haven't lost it yet. The words I said to him as we made love echo in my mind no matter where I go.
At night, I dream he's here with me, under me, fucking me, me fucking him. I want to be buried deep inside him, thrusting into him with
every ounce of passion in me. I want to fuck him so hard the bed breaks like it did once before. I loved it. I want every time to be like
that. I miss his body pressed close to mine. I miss his ass. Fuck, I miss his ass. He has the tightest, most amazing, firm, fuckable ass.
His hips were made just for my hands to grasp as I pound into him.
I want to go to that club and find him there, standing with a cocky expression on his face. He'd eye me from across the dance floor. Then
he'd dance, those hips gyrating just for me. I'd grab him and drag him home. Then he'd become a permanent fixture on my bed. I'd strip him
naked and slip those leather cuffs I bought around his pale wrists, pinning his arms over his head so he couldn't stop me even if he wanted
to.
I have to run. I've got reservations in the most expensive restaurant in town.
~
11:28 am
Now that was an awesome night!
I woke up this morning feeling rejuvenated. The dinner I had at the restaurant was only the beginning of the best night I've had in this
town. I dressed up nice. I wore my nicest black dress-shirt with the choker hidden underneath, and black dress pants with this awesome belt
I picked up for nothing. I looked presentable enough for that posh dive. I still got plenty of what-the-fuck looks, but I ignored them. I
was too busy eyeing the gorgeous waiter that served me dinner. Or course I ordered the most expensive meal on the menu. I wanted to impress
him. He was impressed.
That was the best dinner I have had all week. I should eat out more often. The cute look on James' face when he saw the hundred dollar tip
was just too adorable.
I casually whispered to him where I'd be later on. I was sure he'd follow me, and I was right. Around midnight I spotted him on the dance
floor. He looked different than when he was at work. His beautiful blond hair was down instead of the slicked back look he'd worn at his
job. He was wearing a tight pair of pants that showed off his cute ass, and a tiny shirt that looked like it fit him when he was twelve. His
blue eyes gleamed when he spotted me. I watched him gyrate on the dance floor. Other guys rubbed up against him, but he pushed them away. By
the time he grabbed my hand and asked if we could go somewhere private, I was so hard.
We left on my motorcycle and came back to my place. I barely had the door locked when he got down on his knees like a good little sub and
sucked me off until I came inside his pretty mouth. I yanked him back up to his feet and turned him around so his ass was pressed to my
cock, and then I whispered dirty words into his ear as I jerked him off. He was so hot when he cried out my name as he came all over my
hand. The memory alone is making me hard again.
He's in my bed just a few feet away. He's hot and naked and teasing me to come back to bed. We both need a shower and I really need another
blow job right now.
~
I should have tied him to my bed
I spent all morning in heaven. James stayed long enough to give me another one of his awesome blow jobs while we were in the shower. After
that we lazed around on the bed. For lunch we ordered in pizza, and then he had to go to work. It turns out he's also a photography student.
He wants to bring his camera by some time to take pictures of me. It's safe to say he'll be back.
We didn't talk about much since our mouths were too preoccupied. He's really good at what he does, and he's got such a sweet body, barely
any hair on him, just that gorgeous head of white-blond hair on his head. It was so easy to get lost in him.
I still had to laugh when he asked what I did for a living. I certainly don't farm.
I deleted all the e-mail in my in box without looking at them. There was one there from Martha, but I didn't make it past "Sweetie".
For the rest of the day, I was out cruising around on my bike. I think I'll swing by and pick James up. I feel like dancing.
~
11:03 am
It's over
I should have read my mom's email, but I couldn't. It wasn't even that I had the ring on. I can't do it. I feel so lost. I tried so hard to
stay true to Lex, but every day that goes by and he's not here, it gets harder and harder. I want to believe that he's not dead, but even
with the ring on. I've lost all hope of ever seeing him again.
I called home again. All I could do was cry when I heard Mom's voice. She knew it was me. I hung up when she said my name. I can't go back
there. In time they'll realize what I already know: that they are better off without me.
Last night I went out again with James. I watched him dance and we kissed in a corner. I think I broke that other guy's hand when he tried
to touch James.
I went home by myself this time because he had an early morning. He reminds me of Lex. The scar on my chest didn't bother him at all. I know
that if Lex were here, he'd react the same way.
I shouldn't have let James touch me, but I couldn't help it. Even when I wear the ring there is a part of me that feels so alone. Part of me
feels like I deserve to be alone, but I don't want to be alone.
~
03:05 pm
I never have to be alone
Not with my new friend. He sucked me off in a dark corner of the club last night and it was awesome. The rush I felt from being out in the
open, knowing that anybody could see us... I have to do that again. I know James is up for it. I'm taking him to a different club tonight.
We are going to have fun. That's what it's all about now.
~
11:02 pm
I was having the best time last night
I went out last night since it was Friday, the most fun night of the week. I met James at the club I'd told him about. He wasn't that
impressed mostly because it was not exactly receptive to our type, but I didn't give a shit. They can fuck themselves if they think I am
going to hide who I am. I am a homo fag, and I love guys, and I fuck men! I didn't even have to punch anybody's lights out. They got the
message as soon as I told them to fuck off when I overheard somebody make a comment about how there are places for people like us.
James and I enjoyed a nice night of dancing and making out. I mostly watched while he danced, shaking his hot ass. He is so sweet, as in I
want to eat him up. His lips are succulent. Unfortunately he needed to be someplace early this morning so I had to go home alone. I was not
thrilled with what I found when I got back to my place. An old friend from my boring past was there. I told her to get lost. I don't want to
see anybody from my past. They are my past and I want nothing to do with them.
Besides, she couldn't stand the sight of me just a few weeks ago and now here she is following me around. I was so annoyed by her intrusion
that I called James, but he wasn't answering his cell phone, so I went back to the club to see if he was around. I didn't find him, but I
stayed anyway and drank until they closed the bar. Then I went home and passed out.
I've been in bed all day. I didn't feel like getting up. Seeing Chloe really pissed me off. She better not tell anybody where I am. I can
run so far away nobody would ever find me. I will.
I don't feel like going out tonight. I didn't make any plans with James, so I'm staying in and playing video games all night, or maybe I'll
watch some porn and jerk off.
James just called. He's coming over and he's going to bring his camera. I told him I wasn't even dressed yet, which was fine by him since
he'd be undressed five seconds after he arrived. I need company tonight. I feel like having fun, but not alone. That kind of fun gets
tedious after a while.
~
01:33 pm
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
James drifted off beside me, a very satisfied boy, but all I could think about was how much I miss Lex. I want him to be here with me. James
is nice and he was great last night, but I don't love him. After he arrived and he stripped, I fucked him from behind. I imagined that it
was a bald head in front of me. I imaged that Lex was begging me to pound into him harder. The sex was fine. James was so tight. He said he
hasn't had many lovers, and none of them were as huge as me. I'm sure he was just trying to flatter me so he'd get laid. I told him he
didn't have to say things like that. I'd fuck him if he told me I had the smallest cock he'd ever seen, but honestly, I probably am the
biggest he's ever had. He was really tight and so nice.
After we had sex, we sort of talked. I really wasn't in the mood, so I just told him that I'm an alien from outer space and my space ship
landed in Kansas. It's the truth but he laughed and told me to stop kidding around, so I shut him up with my mouth. It's funny how much
things have changed. I used to be so afraid of so many things. I used to hide. When I remember how shy I was when I first realized how I
really felt about Lex, it makes me cringe, but I guess I was naive back then. My parents sheltered me from the real world, especially Dad.
He really doesn't want to share me with the rest of humanity. I always thought it was because he was protecting me, but if it wasn't for
him, I wouldn't have lied to Lex for so long. Sometimes I hate Jonathan Kent just as much as I hate Jor-El. They both failed me.
But that's all over now, and as long as Chloe keeps her big mouth shut, I'll be fine. I've already decided where I'll go if she tells
somebody where I am. I'm going to head to Gotham first. Not that I have any friends there, but it's a town I know, so I can spend some time
there until I feel like moving on.
I feel crappy this morning. I didn't think I'd feel this way. James is still asleep. He looks so gorgeous spread out on my bed, pale skin
like milk. He's a lot like Lex now that I think of it. They have the same skin tone and even the same cocky attitude. That's probably why I
was attracted to him. He looks incredibly hot naked. His hips are covered in bruises. I probably shouldn't have held on so tight when I
pounded into him. He must be having a nice dream because his cock is hard.
Maybe in time, I could love James, but I don't think it will ever be close to how I loved Lex.
~
09:24 pm
Empty
I spent the rest of the weekend someplace I wanted to be; his place. It's empty. I wear his ring on my finger.
~
11:28 pm
Screw you!
Screw you, Lex, for leaving. Screw you for abandoning me when we hadn't even had a chance to talk about your obsession. Screw you for still
keeping the car even after I told you all my secrets. Screw you for collecting me when I gave you all of me. I gave you everything! I told
you my deepest darkest secrets. So I never told you my real father wants me to rule the world, so I never told you those caves are all about
me and I can read the language on the walls. Big deal! It doesn't mean you had to leave me.
I went to your home -- the other home in the city, hoping what, I don't know. I was hoping you were there. Part of me was convinced you were
just hiding out from your father, or maybe the world and its expectations of you. My heart hurt to sit in that room, to look at your things,
to remember when you promised to one day take me to Italy. My heart aches to just hold you one more time. Just once so I can smack you in
the head and tell you to never leave me ever again, because if you are still out there, I am never going to let you out of my sight.
I wanted to smash everything in that place. I wanted to tear all your nice, clean, perfectly-pressed suits to shreds. Instead I sat in your
closet alone, my world shattered around me.
Screw you, Lex.
Now I wear your ring on my finger, just like you asked me to. I wear it because no matter what happens, I still love you and only you.
~
12:27 pm
Why did I go over there?
It only hurt to see all his things and know that maybe they'll never be used by him again. After a very bruised and quiet James left my
place over the weekend, I wandered aimlessly, in my mind and in my place. I didn't know what to do with myself. I feel so lost half the
time, even when I wear the ring.
Now I have the other ring on -- the ring that Lex gave to me before everything went insane. There are so many things I wish I'd done
differently, but there's no point pondering what might have been. It drives me insane.
I pulled the ring off today, because it hurt again. I hate this scar on my chest. It just a horrible reminder of what my biological father
wants from me. I hate him.
I stayed in Lex's penthouse for as long as I could stand it. I spent most of my time in the closet because I wanted to be close to his
things, to him. I thought maybe I could feel him somehow, but they were only things. The shirts, pants, shoes, furniture are just objects
that carried nothing of him, except an echo of what he likes. There was no scent of him. I slept in his bed and felt emptier than I have
ever felt in my life. I held his pillow close to my cheek, but there was nothing there, all just things that mean nothing. I wanted to smash
everything. I left feeling so much hatred.
I need to put the ring back on. I hate this feeling of emptiness.
Fuck emptiness. I'm going out tonight and kicking some ass. There's somebody out there who really needs my boot in his face and I am going
to oblige him.
Edge totally pissed me off with his stupid search for me. I can't believe he actually thinks he's going to find me, let alone catch me. I
hear he wants to hire me. Fuck him! I work for nobody but my own sweet ass.
I am going out tonight and I am going to make sure this town remembers me.
~
12:16 pm
Last night took my mind off things
I got all dressed up really nice: black on black, because I am in mourning. I wore my necklace, a black shirt that I found for free, black
pants that cost more than the farm, and kick-ass shoes that were really hard to find because I have huge feet. When I say huge, I mean very,
very big feet. We all know what that means. In my case, it's true.
On my way to the club, I ran into some of Edge's boys. They tried to tell me that their boss wants to meet me, but I told them where to go.
After I finished giving them a careful warning never to come near my neighborhood again, I went to the club. Not much was happening there,
but I did meet this nice girl. We sat and talked and flirted and I bought her a few drinks. She wasn't a bad kisser, but I wasn't really
into her, so I left to go pick up James. He had to work late last night and couldn't go out. I was hoping to watch him dance, because he is
so good. He said he's going to teach me all the right moves. I don't really need the lessons, but who cares when he's rubbing up against me.
He just left a few minutes ago. We had a great time and he is an awesome kisser. I could stay in bed all day just kissing him. Of course I
would still have to touch because he has the nicest body. I can't keep my hands off him. He's so sexy. He licked me all over and it felt so
damn good, especially when he sucked my cock. With his hands on my hips, holding me down, I could close my eyes and imagine it was somebody
else's mouth down there, expertly licking and sucking and teasing. I slipped up and cried out Lex's name when I came, but James didn't seem
to mind.
Now I'm going to relax. I need a break.
~
02:07 pm
Dear Bank of Metropolis
Thank you so much for that big bag of cash. I know we didn't part on great terms, but I promise to spend the money wisely. I promise to buy
a lot of nice things, like a new bike, since I drove that other one into your glass window. That was really neat how the glass shattered
into a trillion pieces when I stopped in for a visit.
I also promise that guys like Edge's gang will never bother you again. No wonder most people are afraid of clowns. They are kind of scary.
Okay, maybe they aren't that scary. They looked silly to me.
I do have to tell you: you could have done a better job of keeping all those bullets away from me. It's a good thing I'm bulletproof,
because otherwise I'd be all kinds of Swiss cheese, sort of like my leather jacket (see that's another nice thing I can buy with all that
lovely cash you gave me) and my t-shirt, and I guess I'll have to buy some new jeans. It's not like I can't afford them. How cool was it
that I caught so many bullets with my hand? How cool was it that the ones I didn't catch bounced off me?
Good thing the cops showed up to arrest those clowns who tried to rob you. That was so generous of them. When I blew up their car and they
all dove for cover, that was even more generous. How cool was it that they weren't looking when I disappeared, and how cool is it that I now
have all this money to count? I was so bored this morning. Thank you so much for easing my boredom. That was so kind of you. Now I can take
my boyfriend out in style.
I'm sending a thousand-dollar suit over to his place as we speak.
So in case you didn't think I appreciated this generous donation you made to my well-hung man fund, just know that I am very grateful.
Yours truly,
Kal
~
10:01 pm
Fuck you world
I guess forever doesn't last as long as I thought. So what if I smashed everything I own. I can buy new things tomorrow.
~
02:29 pm
I'm front page news
It's not like you can see my face or anything, but there I am on the front page of the Daily Planet. 'Masked Man Robs Bank.' I vanished with
nothing but a ski mask left behind. No shit, officers. It says I did thousands of dollars in damage. Well, those other guys were there first
and they did some of that damage, and it's not my fault bullets bounce off me. Okay, maybe it is, but I never asked to be born bullet-proof.
I decided not to replace all the shit I broke last night. I cleaned up the mess I made and went shopping this morning. I got a new laptop,
some other equipment and a nice new leather jacket. The sales lady was very helpful and a total flirt. I pretended I was clueless. That was
so much fun. I love watching girls try to flirt with me. When they get no reaction from me, they get this look in their eyes, sort of like
they have heat vision. It's so funny.
Then I had lunch at this really nice little place. I tipped the waiter a hundred bucks. I might as well spread my good fortune around.
I called James to make sure he got the suit I sent. He was excited that we're going somewhere nice to eat. I told him to meet me at my place
and we'll go from there. He actually told me that he misses me. I asked how his ass was doing and he said it could use a workout. I guess I
know what I'm doing tonight.
~
09:05 pm
Getting ready to party
James just arrived and he looks awesome in the 'suit' I sent over. I have to confess. It wasn't actually a suit. It was a pair of black
patent leather bondage pants and a collar. I found this great store called Slash 'n Burn. They sell the coolest stuff.
He's too shy to wear just the pants and collar so he wore a small black mesh t-shirt that shows off his tight abs. We're going out tonight
to have some fun. There's this nice club and they're having a fetish night. James said it's a lot of fun, and he thinks I'll fit in
perfectly. I'll be in my black matte vinyl pants and a black vinyl cop shirt. I'm also wearing the wrist cuffs and the collar and James is
going to wear a leash. He looks good enough to eat.
I hope this scene isn't too much for me. I can't wait.
~
08:33 pm
What a night
James and I ended up going out really late last night because we kind of got distracted. I had a lot of fun, but most of the fun I had was
off in a corner in the dark with my date. We had sex in the club. I couldn't wait for us to get back to my place. James was very
accommodating, turning his back to me and begging me to take him right there in the dark. We both lost ourselves in the moment and the
music.
After some drinks and more fun, we came back to my place and passed out in my bed. James just left. It would have been a perfect weekend
except he had to work tonight. Just before he left, he told me that he loves me. We've only known each other for a few weeks. I don't think
he was too happy about the way I reacted. He looked totally pissed off when he left.
Oh, well. I have a nice night of nothing but relaxation ahead of me.
I had to remove my ring earlier. That hurt a lot and it's totally starting to piss me off how much it hurts. I just put it right back on
after the pain subsided.
Now it's time to order in.
~
01:54 pm
It's that day.
The day when we celebrate Dad. Too bad I don't have one to look up to. My biological father wants me to take over the world, and my adopted
father, Jonathan, tells me I'm a screw-up: just the father figures I wanted. But you know all about fathers that suck. Look at Lionel. He's
just a peach. I think he's given up looking for you.
I don't really have much else to say, except that this was the last secret I kept from you. I was sent to earth to take over mankind,
because you humans are a flawed race.
~
09:21 pm
I did nothing today.
This is what Sundays are made for -- I did nothing. I slept until two, and then I took a shower and went down the street to this nice little
coffee shop for a few hours. I came home and went back to bed because I had nothing to do. I think James won't be calling me any time soon.
That's cool. I'm not in the mood. I feel so lazy today. For about two seconds I actually thought I might give dear old Dad a call, but then
I remembered that we're not speaking. What a shame. (Said with heavy sarcasm)
The rest of my day was perfect. I ordered in and played some games.
James just called. He wanted to know if I was going out tonight. I told him I wasn't, so he's coming over right now. Somebody wants some of
me in a bad way. I don't blame him. After that thing I did with my tongue, I knew he'd be back.
~
10:28 am
That was a boring night
James didn't show and he didn't call. I decided to go out late last night. I found a nice little ice cream shop. Expensive chocolate ice
cream is so amazing. After that I walked around for a while. I thought about going over to see what was up with James, but I figured
something must have come up. Whatever.
I ended up in this little bar. It's so cool how I can still go out and do something here, even really late at night. Back home in the sticks
everything closed by nine and there was nothing to do. I never realized how boring that place really was until I came to live in the city.
The more I stay here, the more I like this town.
I ended up drinking thirty beers. On my way home I ran into that nice hooker I met awhile back. She looked tired, so I got her a coffee and
we talked for a half hour. She offered to suck me off for free but I told her I'd pay. I gave her extra just because she was so nice.
Nothing much else happened.
I went home and crashed after that. Now I wish I'd woken up with a hangover, but unfortunately there was nothing except bad breath. I feel
nothing this morning. I need some action.
~
10:31 am
This is my world
Those guys really need to learn when to stay down. I went out last night to my favorite non-gay hangout. I just wanted to drink a few beers
and watch some dancing. I even did a little dancing myself. I love getting lost in the beat of the music. I can close my eyes and imagine
he's there with me, watching me dance. He'd lick his beautiful scarred lip and eye me hungrily. I opened my eyes and, for a moment, I
thought for sure that when I looked around, he'd be there in the crowd, his eyes fixed on my swaying body. He'd come up behind me and put
his hands on my hips, our bodies pressed close, and whisper 'Angel' in my ear.
But it didn't work out that way. When I opened my eyes to look around, he wasn't there. All I saw were strangers.
Half way through my nice, relaxing night, this guy came up to me and asked me to go with him. I told him I don't talk to strangers. The look
on his face was priceless. Then he told me that Edge wanted to talk to me. Since I hadn't heard from him in a while, I thought he'd given
up, but I guess not.
I didn't go with the guy. I told him to tell his boss to go fuck himself. I would have loved to have seen the look on Edge's face when his
stooge delivered that message.
Other than that one glitch, nothing else happened. I relaxed and had a few beers. Nobody bothered me.
~
11:11 am
This is my real world
Fuck! I miss Lex so much. I miss the smell of his skin right after we've had sex. I miss the taste of his mouth on my tongue. I miss his
strong hands on my hips. I want him to hold me down and suck my cock until I come so hard that I grab the headboard and crack it in half.
I dream that I am helpless under his touch. I dream that he is in me and I shout his name as he thrusts into me, biting my neck. I dream
that his arms are around me, holding me up. I dream that he whispers 'I love you' as he grips my cock in his hand, stroking me until I come.
Last night I jerked off and cried out his name.
I miss him so much. Nobody has ever loved me the way he did. I know now that nobody ever will. He knew my secret and he still loved me. I
would give anything to hear him call me Angel.
~
10:45 am
I totally called it
James came over last night. I was lounging around in my underwear. I still had to do laundry when there was a knock on my door. It was him.
He looked tired. He'd been working long shifts for the last few days. He apologized for not coming over and not calling. He's so sweet. He
made it up to me.
First we had some fun, and then we went out for ice cream. I have to say, I loved all the attention we got when I ate it straight out of his
luscious mouth. People are such idiots. They acted like they've never seen two guys lock lips. We went back to my place and dressed up to go
out to a club. He looked awesome in my collar and the wrist cuffs.
It was the perfect night to go out dancing, because the hottest gay club in town was having their 'Pride Party' night. We danced all night,
and I bought James enough beers to get him so drunk he could barely stand by the time we left. By the time we got back to my place, he was
sober enough for an all night fuck-a-thon. I wore him out. He's still passed out in my bed naked, hard as a rock. He must be dreaming about
me.
~
11:19 am
I don't know how much longer I can take this
I just threw James out. My chest started to burn just as I kissed him awake. I don't want him to see my freakishness. He doesn't mind the
scar, but I'd never be able to explain what's happening or why. I did the only thing I could do: I threw him out, and told him not to come
back. I took the ring off and as soon as I was out from under the grip of the red Kryptonite, the pain stopped.
I've destroyed everything in my life. There's no going back. Not to Smallville, not to my family, not to my friends, and especially not to
Lex. Even if he were alive, he'd never take me back now. I cheated on Lex with James, and I know I'll ruin James' life. I can't believe he
came back to me. Why did he do that? I treat him so badly. I hate myself so much.
I have to stop this, but I can't.
~
04:52 pm
This world sucks.
Fucking cocksucker! Who the fuck does he think he is? Edge is five seconds away from me killing his sorry ass. He just waltzed right into my
place, while I was trying to take a nap, and shot it up. His stupid goons tried to kill me. Lucky thing I'm invulnerable. The other stuff
can be replaced. I refuse to work for that crazy old man.
Dirty old man too, judging from the way he checked me out. Pervert!
After I finished kicking the crap out of his goons, I told him to fuck off. I don't play well with others, and his hired help pissed me off.
They did make a nice sound when I threw them across the room.
This is way too easy. He even gave me his private number.
You should be here. Why aren't you here? Fuck you for running away. Fuck you for taking off on me like that. If you'd just given me one
chance... I could have explained about the ship and my fucking father who wants me to take over the world. I could have told you that I
don't care about the room. I already had everything I wanted.
Screw you, Lex. I still love you even if you're dead.
~
09:19 am
Relaxing night
James returned late last night. He was worried about me. I had kicked him out yesterday because something suddenly came up, but he was so
concerned that he returned. I admit that I probably shouldn't have freaked on him like that, but everything is cool now. He's fine, we're
fine. He stayed the night. We relaxed and watched some TV. He's a really good kisser. I like his mouth. I have this thing for mouths...
I especially like really talented mouths. I thought he looked so cute all concerned for me.
He told me he loves me again. I didn't say anything. I just kissed him and told him to go to sleep. I feel so refreshed this morning. I just
took a shower. James had to go home to change for work. Maybe I'll go out for a ride on my bike today. I feel like traveling.
~
12:05 pm
No!
He's giving up. Lionel is giving up.
The search for you has been called off, and he has announced a memorial service for Monday. All my abilities and I couldn't help you. All my
strength and it's for nothing. I had so much to say to you, but now it's too late.
I watched Lionel for awhile. He looked tired. I listened in to his conversations. Did I tell you I can hear conversations from far away? He
misses you. He fired two people while I watched him. He said they were incompetent. He's so angry. He even got a call from Edge. It sounds
like Lionel and Edge know each other. I'm not surprised that your dad knows the biggest crime boss in the city. I bet they've had dealings.
After I got bored of listening to Lionel talk, I went down to the garage. There wasn't anybody there. Maybe he fired security. I was so
angry that I smashed Lionel's car to smithereens, but it didn't make me feel any better. I should have smashed his head in. I'm going to get
back at him somehow. I swear if I do anything, it will be to get revenge on that man. I hate him. He's caused nothing but grief for you and
my family. He wants me. Because of his interest in the caves and the way he talked to me the last time I saw him, I can tell: he wants me.
I wonder how much he knows about me. I had better watch him closely. He could be a real danger.
~
02:12 pm
I ran into an old friend
Last night I went out with the intent to drown myself in booze. James was working and couldn't come out, but I ran into somebody I know.
He's in my bed right now, still passed out from all the drinking he did. He's fucked up big time over what's happened to his brother. I was
a little surprised to see that he actually cared enough to make it to town for the memorial service. He's staying until Monday night, and
then hitting the road. I'm letting him crash with me for today.
Last night he really tied one on. We sat and talked about his brother. That was all he talked about. When he was really smashed, he told me
that he really misses his brother.
He was impressed that I had the balls to leave my perfect home. Sometimes things look perfect, but they really aren't. He should know that
better than anybody, not that his family looks perfect even from the outside.
This morning was interesting. He woke up in my arms. It was truly funny to watch him freak and yell that he's not a fag like his brother. As
if I'd be turned on by him! Just the thought makes me want to push him out the window, but I'll restrain myself because he's Lex's brother
and he's really upset. At least he was when he was drunk. You can find out the most interesting things about people when they're drunk.
~
12:23 pm
I am not who you thought I was
I wish you were here. I miss you so much. I took my school ring off because the scar burned. I feel so lost. I feel so alone. I called home
and mom answered, but I couldn't say anything. My throat closed up. I feel like there's no way I will ever be able to go back to them or
anybody else. I went down a path that closed behind me with each step I took.
Bruce probably hates me. I want to call him to tell him how sorry I am for how I treated him when I went to see him, but I can't. I can keep
blaming it on the ring, but I choose to put it back on each time. I do this because there's nothing left for me. I can't be that person Jor-El
wants me to be. I can't take over the world. I won't do it. I can't be the person my parents want me to be, and I know now that I will never
be the person for you. I say person, but I'm not really a person. I'm from Krypton. That's my home world and I was never human.
I'm so sorry, Lex. I wish things had been different. Now all I have left of you are the memories and the ring you gave me.
I'll be at the memorial. I'll say good bye to you and then I can move on. Maybe there will be peace, but I doubt it. I don't think I will
ever be at peace as long as I live.
I failed you, and I'm not who you thought I was. I'm a monster.
~
07:53 pm
He said he was straight, and then, he kissed me.
Maybe it's the grief talking, or whatever.
I went out last night with James. I bought him a really nice expensive watch that I got for a steal. It has a thick leather band. It caught
my eye because it kind of looked like a wrist restraint. He was very appreciative of the gift. I wanted him to know that he means something
to me. He knows I love somebody else. He doesn't mind.
We were having a really great time, kissing in a corner of the club, until Lucas showed up. He spoiled my fun. James looked unimpressed so
he went off to dance and get drinks, and Lucas stuck around. I was a little annoyed, but what could I do? It's not like I could tell him to
go away. I wasn't really in the mood for conversation. I just wanted to have some fun. I was surprised to see him at a gay club. He said he
followed me. I should have been paying closer attention -- I didn't even notice. I've already been followed around so many times since I got
to the city; I stopped paying attention a while ago. He was just another face in the crowd.
He told me he knows about my real relationship with his brother. It's not like I hide my sexual preference. I don't have to here. Back home,
I could never be the real me. Here, nobody tells me what to do. I can be myself. I can be my own man. I don't have to answer to anybody.
Then he pressed up against me and kissed me. His breath tasted of alcohol. He was just a little bit drunk. I pushed him off of me, and
reminded him that he was the one who said he wasn't a fag. It's not like I can blame him. He actually said that he wants everything his
brother had. I told him his brother didn't own me. Then he stormed off like a big drama queen when I told him to fuck off. He was so drunk,
I am pretty sure that today, he woke up with a massive hangover and a lot of regret.
I ended up going home with James, and I have no idea where Lucas went. I did look for him. James was really angry. He's so cute when he's
mad. He saw Lucas kiss me. I tried to tell him it didn't mean anything. It worked in my favor, because we had a hot time last night. He was
really jealous. It was fun. I got the most amazing blow job and then I fucked him until he was too tired to do anything else.
~
01:26 pm
Gone but not forgotten
I just got back from the memorial service, which was pretty moving in spite of everything.
Everybody was there. Chloe and Lana were there with my parents. Mr. Big didn't look very pleased to see his other son when Lucas showed up.
He told Lucas not to make a scene, and then he walked away without listening to what Lucas had to say. Lucas said a few heartfelt words. At
least I know for a fact Lucas meant everything he said. I should track him down and see how much longer he's planning on staying in town.
Maybe he'll move to Smallville and take over the mansion. He did say something about wanting everything Lex had.
Martha saw me at the service. After that, there was no reason to stay any longer, so I left. It was so weird. When I was there, I could have
sworn somebody was watching me. It was probably Lucas. He seems to have developed a knack for sneaking up on me.
~
09:57 pm
I feel so numb inside.
I went out to a bar and drank so much alcohol it would have killed a normal person, but it didn't help. He's gone and now I don't care. I'll
tear down anything and anyone who gets in my path. I will not stop or hesitate or give mercy. Why should I?
I finally reached a point where I could actually get drunk. It took 500 dollars and almost the whole bar, but I'm there. I crushed two cars
on the way home. I want to crush more. I want to destroy everything.
Fuck you world. Fuck you all. Fuck you, Jor-El, for sending me to this place, fuck you, Lionel, for treating your son like he's not worthy,
and fuck you, Lex, for going away and leaving me alone. Fuck you!
~
12:25 pm
I feel like tearing down the world
Wow that was a lot of alcohol. I think I actually had a headache for about two minutes this morning. I even forgot a few hours of last
night. I'm not sure what I did during those hours.
I went out last night to a bar to get drunk, and when they refused to serve me because I was too drunk, I stopped off at a liquor store on
the way home and picked up a few bottles. I think I drank them one after the other. I don't totally remember since I blanked on what I did
after the first bottle of Southern Comfort.
I do remember a few things. I watched the news for a while. His memorial service was the top story of the evening, so I taped it and watched
it over and over. Then James showed up. He'd just gotten off work. I didn't really want to talk to anybody last night, but I let him in
anyway. I figured he'd get bored and leave. Instead he cleaned up all the empty bottles and stuck around. He knows about Lex now.
We must have fucked because I woke up this morning naked in bed with James beside me, smelling of sex. I think it was good. I don't really
remember that well, but he's got some nice pretty purple bruises to show for it, and he was stiff in the shower this morning, but I kissed
it all better.
He's gone now. He had an early shift at work. Then later he has classes. I think he's taking some photography course or something.
~
05:31 pm
Lex
To Lex:
I never wanted James to find out about you and what you meant to me, but I suppose it was inevitable.
I didn't go into too much detail. I told him that you meant a lot to me. I couldn't express what you really meant to me. There just aren't
the words, plus I was so drunk, I'm surprised he understood me at all.
At first he was skeptical, but I showed him that picture of us. It was the one from a year ago, the one where you're smiling and I'm
laughing. We were in bed together and you took it with the timer on your camera. I keep it in my wallet. After that, I couldn't talk to him
anymore. I had one bottle left, so I drank it. James tried to stop me, but I held him off. I finished the bottle and then I kissed him. Then
one thing led to another.
I want to go out and get more, but I know it's not going to help. I know the pain will still be there once I've sobered up and that is
happening faster and faster.
I wish I could move on. I probably should. I feel like something inside me will break, and I don't know that I can promise it won't be
painful for everybody.
Love forever,
Clark
~
12:15 pm
Stay
I didn't want to be bothered today. Unfortunately, on my way back from running some errands, Lucas called, and when I arrived at my place,
someone from my past was waiting for me. She had the fucking nerve, after I told her to never come back, to stop in and try to guilt trip me
into going home. That place is not my home anymore. This is my home.
At least she hasn't told anybody where I am, or so she says. I told her to get lost and never come back. I want nothing to do with anybody
from my past. Nothing! There's nothing left for me there. He's gone.
Lucas is here now. He's taking a shower. We're going to hang out and maybe do some partying later. He's not bad-looking naked. He must work
out. His bold attitude is definitely a turn-on.
~
07:19 pm
I had the most amazing time today
After cleaning up and a long conversation that involved towels and water, Lucas and I went out for a ride in his Porsche. We went shopping
for something new, because we are going out to a club tonight. We've decided to celebrate. Not anything in particular -- we're just going to
make it up as we go along. Right now, he's in my bed, playing some video games. He was going to leave yesterday, but decided to look me up.
I'm glad he did. We talked about his brother a lot. He wanted to know everything about his older sibling. I didn't go into any gory details
(as he said), but I had a lot of stories to tell. He insisted yet again that he is 'for sure not at all that way', and then proceeded
to tell me all about his boring hetero life. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep during that part of the conversation.
Now we're relaxing before we get ready for the club, and then we are going to get out there and cause havoc. I've ordered in pizza, and
after that, I plan to slip into my tightest pair of vinyl pants and wrap myself in my new shirt. I've even convinced Lucas to wear the
collar for the night. He looks fucking hot in it, but not as hot as me.
~
11:09 am
Last night went well
So, Lucas and I ran away to Canada to get married.
Just kidding! We went out last night and there were no vows, except the one we made about causing havoc. We managed that one pretty well.
We dressed appropriately for where we were going. We even managed to hit four bars and two clubs before we were thrown out of the last one.
We didn't start that fight. I didn't anyway. That was Lucas. He didn't like it when that guy tried to cheat him out of the money they'd bet
on the pool game they were playing. I mostly sat back and laughed at how ineffective and lame his moves were against Lucas. I was really
impressed at Lucas' moves.
Unfortunately no matter how much I drank, I barely got more than a buzz. Lucas, however, was pretty drunk by the time we went home. He's a
total blast when he's drunk.
I got to drive his nice car. We're planning to sneak into my old town and steal his brother's red car, the one I love so much. I want that
car. It's mine. He told me it's mine, so I'm going to take it. Lucas is going to visit his old man and ask him for it. If he says no, then
I'm going to take it.
I dragged him back up to my place, stripped him naked (just because I want to see the look on his face when he wakes up naked in my bed) and
tossed him into bed. Just before he passed out, he asked me if I'd fuck him, then he told me that I'm really pretty. I swear I tried really
hard not to laugh in his face. I told him he was way too drunk, but he was already passed out by the time I got half my sentence out. I
should have tossed him out in the hall for calling me pretty.
He's still asleep. I think I'll be nice and let him sleep it off. Maybe for a joke, I'll tell him we made out all night and he sucked me
off, and then laugh as he insists he isn't gay. Or maybe I'll just watch some porn.
~
12:26 pm
Fuck this!
I just jerked off with Lucas asleep in my bed. I couldn't help it. I sat down on the sofa and closed my eyes and started to think about Lex.
I was remembering the last time we were together. That time was so incredible. Then I went back and read some of my old posts about him,
about us together. I had to jerk off. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was Lex in my bed, watching me. Lex would watch me with a smirk
on his face as I jerked off just for him. He'd encourage me to stroke my cock faster and scream my pleasure. Then I'd look over at him and
he'd know what I want just by the look in my eyes. He'd stand and saunter over to me, his own long rock-hard cock bouncing as he swiveled
his beautiful hips. Then he'd stroke my hair and call me Angel as I came. I cried out his name when I did come. Lucas didn't even wake up.
I want Lex back. Fuck I miss him so much. I want this scar gone. I want the ring to stop burning me.
When I went to the bathroom to clean up, it started to burn again. I took the ring off then put it right back on a soon as the pain stopped.
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