06:17 pm
I still haven't been able to figure out exactly what happened. I went over last night to talk to Lex, and we ended up
having sex. I wimped out at the last second and couldn't ask him what was wrong. I was too afraid that he would say it's me that's wrong.
He asked me to fuck him as hard as I could. If he only knew how hard that really was, he'd run in the other direction. I could see it in his
eyes after it was over. He regretted it. He didn't say it, but I could see.
After it was over I pulled myself together as best as I could and pretended that everything was okay. It's not what I wanted. I wanted
something more. I wanted us to communicate, and I realized that I don't know how to do that with him. I can't read him. I try so hard to
figure out what he means when he says things. I want to understand him so badly, but I think maybe I'm in way over my head.
We went down to the kitchen to get something to eat. He tried not to show how much pain he was in, but I already saw the bruises forming on
his body.
I think back to the moment when he cried out my name. I thought he was enjoying himself. I think he wanted me to stop or slow down or
something. I should have paid attention.
He asked me if it was what I wanted. I should have seen that something was wrong. I should have been stronger emotionally.
I grabbed at the sofa and crushed it between my fingers! If that had been him - I can't even finish that sentence. If he doesn't already
suspect something is different about me, this will pretty much do it.
~
06:59 pm
I lost control! He asked me to fuck him as hard as I could and I lost control.
Last night I went over to just to talk. I meant to ask him what was wrong and it turned into sex again. I'm so disappointed in myself.
I should be able to talk to him. He's my boyfriend.
I lost control and he's probably in a lot of pain because of it. He tried to hide it, but I could see. I saw the bruises forming on his body
last night. He said he didn't mind. That he likes it that way sometimes.
I thought at the time it was what he wanted. He urged me to do it. He asked me in that sexy voice with his body under me, begging me to fuck
him.
Now I'm not so sure he did beg me. I was so lost in the moment that I couldn't stop myself. I think maybe he wanted me to slow down or stop.
He said he enjoyed it. He reassured me that he did, but it scared me so much.
I lost control, and Lex is the one who suffered.
What do I do now?
~
10:59 pm
Lex
I just wanted you to know that I'll be too busy tonight to stop by the mansion. I need to talk to you about something that has been
bothering me and I figure if I put it here I might be brave enough to actually talk about it.
I hope you're okay. I know I hurt you worse than you let on.
I will talk to you very soon,
Clark
~
11:08 pm
A great week
He's gone home. Dad and I drove Dick to the airport. On the way home Dad immediately started to list all the things he wants me to do that I
couldn't do while Dick was here because I was pretending to be 'normal.'
The minute we got home he asks me to lift the tractor so he can fix it. I'm not a jack! I was too happy about everything and so proud of
myself for not breaking my promise to complain right then. When I pointed out to Dad that I had kept my promise he just grunted and said
'pass me the wrench.'
I'm not bitter. He's used to me being able to lift heavy things. He's used to me being able to do all these chores that no human could
possibly do. I know what's going to happen. Mom will figure it out and tell Dad he should talk to me about it.
I miss Dick already. I had gotten so used to having him here and us falling asleep together. It was so nice to have somebody who didn't
question my every move or demand anything more from me than friendship. And I didn't bore him.
Sometimes I just wish everything was that simple. I know it's a dream, since life isn't simple. Even if I wasn't an alien from another
planet life would not be simple.
I am so glad I have Lex. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's opened me up to new possibilities and if it wasn't for him my
Dad probably never would have told me the truth about my origins. I owe so much to Lex.
It's so funny because I love him, and at the same time he scares me. I feel so exhilarated when I'm with him. It's like when I breathed life
into him on the riverbank I breathed life into myself.
~
10:55 pm
I have no idea why I was so nervous when I saw Lex.
Yesterday, when Lex stopped by the picnic grounds in his brand new car that he got to replace the one I'd had repainted, he took me for a
ride. It was a convertible and really nice. It was nice to get away with him for a little bit.
Mom and Dad and I spent most of the afternoon in the park. Pete was there so I got a chance to hang out with him. It would have been so cool
if Dick could have joined us.
After we drove out of town a little bit he stopped and we made out. It was so nice and simple. I really liked it a lot. But if I liked it so
much why do I feel off? I feel like maybe I did something wrong. I'm sure it's nothing. I think maybe I'm just being paranoid.
So I hadn't seen Lex since the incident. We'd only emailed back and forth. That seemed to turn out fine, but then I totally spazzed
out when I saw him. But later we did talk, and I think it went well.
I e-mailed Dick to make sure he got home okay and he e-mailed back to let me know he had a great time and that he can't wait for us to hang
out together again. We did so much while he was here. I was afraid that he would be bored but maybe I overdid it.
We went to see Spiderman 2 while he was here. We had this big discussion about costumes. If I was a superhero I would never wear anything
that brightly colored. Mostly we shot hoops and spent time lounging. I think I really like lounging. It's relaxing. Although, I suppose that
goes without saying.
I think I need some sleep badly. Maybe if I get some rest I'll see things in a new, fresher light.
~
11:15 pm
I spent my day doing work
What a shock! Dad kept me busy today. The only time I had a chance to get off the farm was to have dinner over at
Pete's. He's heading out
again for a week so we spent some time together.
Now I'm just hanging out in the loft, trying to read a book. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about things, Lex things mostly. I
didn't get to see him today. I've picked up the phone a million times to call him. Then I realize I have nothing to say to him. I mean, we
could talk, but what would I talk about? Cows? How the tractor broke down again?
Or sex.
That last time we did it, I was much more scared than I let on. I had this fear in the back of my mind that I would break him or hurt him so
badly that he'd have to get a doctor. But I did it anyway. I pushed past my limits. I can't figure out why I didn't stop. It scares me. I
don't want to hurt Lex.
I was thinking about the handcuffs again last night while I jerked off. It's a total turn on when I think about it. I would have complete
control over him. He couldn't get away no matter what. But then I know if I really didn't want him to escape all I would have to do is hold
him down.
I keep fantasizing that he holds me down. I want to be powerless. I've only ever felt that way once, and that was when I was the scarecrow,
but that sucked because of the meteor rock around my neck.
If I was with Lex, and we were in a bed together, I would want him to take total control over me and make me his completely. That thought is
so terrifying and so exciting all at once. It's making me so excited.
I need to think about this some more. In my bed.
~
10:46 pm
This whole day has been weird.
Except for when Mr. K showed up for lunch. He called ahead, which he didn't have to do, and even brought by some cake for dessert. We sat
down and ate lunch. I was happy to have the company.
Mr. K wanted to thank me for my help with the car. He actually said that Lex wasn't that mad about it, but he has no idea.
Lex went out and
got a brand new car to replace the one that I had repainted. He could tell the car was repainted and that totally bothered him. He was
really mad. Anybody who doesn't know him would not be able to tell, but I could tell.
Mr. K also wanted to know if I knew of any houses up for sale. He wants to settle down here. My mom helped him out with that one. She is
really mad at Dad over the way he treated Mr. K.
Mr. K and I went for a drive to look at the house Mom mentioned. I think he's going to try to buy it. We talked for a bit about a few
things. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about Lex, but he did say that
Lex has been keeping to himself.
Mom and Dad are fighting right now. She's mad at Dad for things to do with me. They got into a huge argument right after dinner. It's almost
become a ritual; Dad disagrees and Mom tries to convince him that I should be allowed to get out more and do more things. It's not that Dad
hides me away on the farm, he's just overprotective.
I'm going to help Mr. K no matter what. I told dad I already promised I would help. He was steamed, but he backed down. Sort of.
I have a difficult task ahead of me. I am trying to make Lex blush. Any ideas?
~
06:30 pm
The last few days have gone by so fast
I have to be more careful when I do deliveries. I left Lex for last so we could just hang out and shoot some pool. It was so nice to just
hang out together. We haven't really done that in a while. He was tense and angry because of his dad. I wish I knew what to say to him about
his father. His whole life has been an open book so whenever something happens in the
Luthor household, the world knows about it.
His dad is somebody who scares me. I have never actually met him. I've seen him and he looks really imposing. My dad has had dealings with
him and really can't stand the man at all. I have no idea what happened to them in their past that there should be so much animosity there.
It was enough to make dad dislike Lex on sight just because of his name. It must be really bad.
I told Lex that he can talk to me about it any time he wants. I would just listen if that was all he wanted. I really don't have any words
of wisdom, but at least I can listen. He turned me down, and I get that. He probably doesn't want to unload all over me.
Yesterday we started to get hot and heavy on his sofa and my dad called right as
Lex was about to put his hand down my pants. I almost
passed out: total mood kill. Dad ordered me home so I had to leave, but I promised
Lex I would see him the next day.
On another note, Bruce called to tell me that Dick is missing. I offered to help find him, but he told me to stay put in case Dick calls or shows
here. I hope he's okay.
Now I'm off to make the date with Lex.
~
12:00 am
The date was awesome!
I just got back from Lex's. I fell asleep in his bed after we did stuff.
I feel so much better about things with us. At first I thought for sure the night was going to be a bust. We went for a drive. He let me
pick the car - the red Ferrari, I love that car! Then we parked and he pulled out a blanket. We stared at the stars for a bit then we made
out. I wasn't sure what would happen since the last time we were together we were interrupted. This time I turned off my cell phone and I
made sure mom knew who I was with that way she wouldn't have to worry.
We sort of talked about that time when I handcuffed him to the bed. I only did it as a joke and didn't really get that it could be hot until
after. He thinks I was playing dumb. How am I supposed to explain to him that I just don't get stuff like that? Before him I never
understood half the things I understand now. I never got sex until him. I feel so embarrassed to say this here, but I know you guys won't
laugh at me. It's not that I'm naive, I just didn't really think about this kind of stuff.
I have to admit I was upset by what he implied. I tried to hide it. Unfortunately he caught on. I felt bad after because we were having such
a great time up until then. We managed to get past it, but then he wanted to do more things that for some reason I didn't feel comfortable
doing out in the open. He was fine with taking it to the mansion.
After that the date was amazing. I wanted to ask how things were with all the problems he'd talked about yesterday, but I really didn't
think it was an appropriate time. Besides he had his tongue in my ear so I was a little busy.
I totally dived on him. He looked so good. He always looks good but I guess the interruption from yesterday (which required that I take care
of things on my own. That was almost a disaster since mom walked into my room a few seconds after I had finished. Thank god I had the
blanket over me!) had me more frustrated than I realized.
He was amazing. Everything was amazing. I fell like things are back to normal
between us. I can't wait to see him again. I totally loved getting off on him,
and on top of that I got to do what I had promised him. I got to suck him off. He very
much enjoyed that. Then I rubbed up against him. He feels amazing.
We passed out after that. I was a surprised but I guess I was more tired than I realized. I woke him and kissed him good bye then left. Now
I'm in my room. Dad gave me a dirty look and asked if I had been over to Lex's. I knew Mom had told him. I could tell. I think my huge grin
did not make him happy. Not to mention I hadn't showered yet. That thought just sent my mind to all kinds of nasty places.
I think shudder is the operative word.
Unfortunately Dick has not stopped by nor has he called me. I really hope everything is fine. I'm headed out to my fortress. Maybe I can get
some reading done before bed.
~
11:53 pm
D is home safe.
He called and we talked for a bit. I had a feeling that things with Broody were off, but we never really talked about
it in detail. I'm really glad things are better now between them. I'm also glad to see that D is home safe. I have to ask dad if D can come
to stay again before the summer is over. It was so much fun the first time; I'd really like to have him stay again.
I had a really boring weekend. I didn't do much except work, get really dirty and fall down a few times. I also fixed the tractor so that
was cool. At least it's working, for now.
Other than that my life is really slow. It usually is in the summer.
~
12:16 am
Dear Lex,
It's been bugging me all day. I have to ask? Do you really think that I had sex
on mind when I cuffed you to the bed?
I do not regret the sex we had after, but it wasn't what I intended and I think that you feel I lied about that. You think I knew that
handcuffing you to the bed would make you hot. I never thought that way until I met you.
Clark
~
12:53 pm
Oh man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't think he'd actually say yes! Now I have to pose for Lex! Naked! for
photographs.
I can't do that! It'll be so humiliating! I'll blush the whole time.
I must be insane.
Lunch time! I am starved.
~
11:33 pm
I totally blew it with Lana the other day.
She obviously needed somebody to talk to, but I ran out of the coffee shop as fast as the wind. I don't know why, but suddenly I felt
uncomfortable talking to her. I never have before. I mean I have, but not that uncomfortable.
I went over to Pete's place tonight for dinner. I'm avoiding my dad. (More on that later.) I just feel like I need to figure this out. I care
a lot about Lana and I don't want to hurt her, but Pete thinks that I most likely did. I sort of told him what happened. What actually happened
was I stopped by the other night to hang out and maybe talk to some friends. The place was a little quiet so
Lana and I talked for a bit. She
finally admitted that she and Chloe had fought when they got together in the city on the weekend.
I felt guilty even talking to Lana about Chloe since I haven't kept in touch with
Chloe as I promised I would. Pete told me to get my sorry butt over
to Lana. I told him that they have become really good friends and that they had a huge fight. I feel so lame for bailing on
Lana like that. I
guess I just panicked.
I better get to bed.
In other news I saw Lex tonight and we took pictures. Not naked ones. I promise to explain later about that, too.
~
11:45 am
Oh man did I have the best night ever!
I needed to get out because Dad was being a big jerk. To make a long story short he said no to me having D visit and stay again this summer.
I spent most of the morning doing a job dad had been bugging me to do all week, but I was taking my time since I had plenty of that. I was
having such a great day and then when I went to have lunch. Dad was so relaxed I figured it was the perfect time to bring up how well things
went. He said that I am way too busy to have a friend over again and now that things are about to pick up majorly he needed me to pay
attention to my work. Of course he asked point blank if I was finished that job to which I had to answer no.
Mom mostly stayed out of it, but she did try to reason with Dad. He was so stubborn. I ate my lunch really fast and high-tailed it out of
there. I spent the rest of the day in the far field so I didn't have to run into Dad. Later on I went back in to let Mom know I'd be going
to hang with my friend Pete.
I went over to my friend's place and we shot some hoops. It was so nice to see him and hang out. We talked about
Lana and of course he asked
if there were any new developments with her. I told him that she is way too busy, plus she is still sort of with somebody, to really do
anything romantic. I almost slipped when I told him that she'd had a fight with
Chloe. That would have been so hard to explain, but I recovered
and said that they are now very best friends and they'd had a fight. As I said, I told him about how I bailed on her the other day. He let
me have it for sure. He went on about how it was a missed opportunity. I told him to back off since it was really starting to bother me.
I hate lying about it but I really don't think Pete would get it.
After I had dinner with Pete and his family I didn't feel like going home so I stopped by the mansion.
Lex was in his office doing work, as
always. He had this old Polaroid camera on his desk so I took it and snapped a picture of him. We snapped a few pictures as the night went
on.
He told me that I didn't have to pose naked for him, and that he was only kidding around. He said he can just imagine. Since he has seen me
naked I suppose that is true. I really didn't feel safe or comfortable posing nude so I'm glad he said that. I thought for sure he'd be
disappointed, but he wasn't. He must have noticed the look of terror on my face when I saw the camera. He also said that he has to look for
those nude pictures of himself from when he was younger, since he wasn't really sure where they are. I wonder how he looks in them or who
took them or why he let somebody take them. I'm really curious, but I can wait. I think he might feel uncomfortable about showing them to
me.
The night was so warm we went for a swim. Lex had to lend me a spare suit. Luckily it fit. I had such a great time. I totally forgot
everything else and just cut loose.
After the awesome cool down Lex changed and we went for a drive. He still had that truck he bought for me in his garage! I was totally
shocked!
We brought the Polaroid camera with us. I wanted to snap another shot of him. He looked so relaxed and beautiful in the first picture.
We went out in the truck, and just drove for a while. Then we parked somewhere way out of the way so we could make out in private. I felt so
relaxed and the happiest I'd been all day. For some reason Lex stopped us so he could snap a few shots of me. The pictures turned out okay.
They look a little dark but Lex liked them a lot. As long as he never shows them to anybody else that's fine by me. I'm dressed in them so
nobody has to worry. Thanks for all of your concerns. I understood where you were all coming from since he is a very public figure and it
would look really bad if we took pictures and they got out and if the fact that he'd taken them got out? it would be ten times worse.
Anyway, we had a really amazing time.
He made me feel awesome! Then I returned the favor. Yup I mean we did stuff. Luckily we took the truck or we'd never have been able to do
the things we did. Sports cars may be nice, but they are not conducive to doing 'stuff'.
Okay if you really want details we got a little bit naked, but mostly kept our clothes on.
Lex is so hot! He's amazing at certain things. He
totally blew me away.
His cell phone rang just as we'd finished up. He did not answer it. He was much
too incapacitated thanks to me.
We cleaned up and talked a little before finally going back to the mansion. I took one last dip and then went home. Almost the second I got
up to my loft my mom came up. She wasn't mad but she immediately told me not to lie about being at
Pete's the whole night since she had called
them. I know she was worried because of the fight Dad and I had, but did she have to check up on me?
She wanted to talk about Dad and why he is so overprotective. Mom is going to talk to him some more. I hope she can get through to him. I am
responsible enough now!
We talked a little bit about Lex. She found out that was where I was for most of the night. I can't hide anything from her! It was so
embarrassing because of what I'd just done with Lex only a few hours earlier. She just urged me to be careful and told me not to do anything
I didn't want to do. I turned ten shades of red. I guess Mom knows now that I am not a virgin any more.
We even talked about my telling Dad about what Lex means to me. I totally panicked. I thought for sure that she would order me to tell him,
but she isn't going to. She thinks he'd take it a lot better than I imagine. I'm really not sure. I mean, Dad does seem to like
Lex better
now since the storm, but I can't even think about telling him. The idea sends my head spinning. Mom says I will have to tell him some day. I
just don't want some day to be any time soon.
~
10:47 am
I woke up in the air above my bed, and then I crashed to earth. Again!
This is not happening. If it keeps up I might learn to fly. Which would be scary, since I'm afraid of heights.
Mom's freaked. Dad's freaked. I'm still not talking to him and we have a ton of work to do. I think I'm going to bail after lunch and head
over to Pete's.
I guess this means sleepovers are out of the question. Now Dad can say the floating makes my origins a little hard to hide.
On the plus side: I was dreaming about Lex. He was under me naked, spread out. In the dream he said that he belongs to me.
~
11:13 pm
Family meeting
Mom got fed up with the fighting between Dad and me. She called a family meeting last night and it was not pretty.
Things and words got thrown, but I don't care! I am sick of it! Sometimes it seems like Dad just doesn't see that I am not that little kid
they adopted. I'm growing up!
I haven't really done much the last few days. I just mostly worked. I did see
Lex yesterday for a few seconds. I had to run off because of
the family meeting so we barely had a chance to talk. I have the farmer's market to get ready for tomorrow morning. It means I have to wake
up bright and early. I usually do, but I hate the farmer's market mostly. It's gotten kind of boring over the last little while.
Maybe Lex will stop by to steal an apple.
I'm just hanging out in my loft tonight, reading. Mom made the most awesome cherry pie. Yummy. It was so good! I love Mom.
Dad and I got along today. At the family meeting he did finally say that I can have D over again, but he also said that it can only be one
more time this summer. I have no idea if I want him over, I just wanted Dad to say I am mature enough for that.
He never actually said it; that I am mature enough. Or that he thinks I am mature.
That totally sucks. I just realized he never told me he thinks I am mature enough.
My night just totally died.
Dad is never going to think I'm mature enough to take care of myself.
~
10:53 pm
I just got back from the mansion.
I had the best night. It was so relaxing.
I spent most of the morning with Dad and Mom at the farmer's market. Lex stopped buy to pick up an apple. He just happened to be in the
neighborhood. At least Dad was nice to him.
I stopped by the mansion in the late afternoon. Lex and I played a few games of pool. Then we went for a drive and stopped in some remote
area with nobody in sight. Lex took some more pictures of me. They look half decent this time.
I hardly ever have time to just do almost nothing and this was so great. It's nice to have a day where you don't have to worry about
anything. Isn't that what summers are for?
After we got back to the mansion we went up to Lex's room to hang out and do stuff. I fell asleep and when I woke up again, I was a little
excited so we did more stuff. One thing I can say is we had sex this time; full out sex, with me on top. It was really nice. I snuggled up
close behind him and woke him with a nice surprise. He responded with willing eager kisses and sounds that still echo in my ears. I love the
way he feels under me, willing giving himself to me.
I feel so close to him right now even though he's at the mansion and I'm in my room.
I told him how I feel about him right after. Unfortunately it was really late so I had to leave. So I gave him major kissage and took off.
Now I need to get to bed. My mom was still up when I got home. She didn't hassle me at all, since I was in on time.
~
12:37 pm
Lazy
I'm being very lazy today.
I don't want to work. I just want to hang out.
I spent the whole morning hiding from my Dad. Where ever he was, I make sure to be somewhere else.
I spent yesterday over at Pete's house. We played a lot of basketball, and later on we went out driving in
Pete's new car. He has this huge
thing that he got as a gift from his brothers. That was so cool. I wish I could get a car. If I had one then maybe sometimes I could just
drive away and be somewhere else.
We just had lunch. Just as I was eating Dad had this huge list of things for me to do. He really wants to keep me busy. Mom made him realize
that I need some time to just hang, and have a little fun, so I'm going to go for a long walk. Maybe I'll walk into town and hang at the
Talon. I haven't been there in a few days, and I really need to talk to Lana. I left things in a mess between us.
I should go say more than just sorry.
Then later I think I'll go see what Lex is up to. He's probably at work right now. I'll ask him when I make the deliveries if he's up for
company this evening.
Off to continue my lazy day.
~
12:10 pm
I totally love my mom.
Yesterday, I spent the early afternoon just wandering around fields. I sat up on the windmill for a while to watch the world go by. I was
going to stop by the Talon, but I ran out of time. I did too much navel gazing, which gave me a lot of time to think on things. I have so
much to think about lately.
Thanks to Mom I had a really nice relaxing day yesterday. At lunch she talked Dad into giving me a break when it comes to chores. I still
did my share and I still handled the produce deliveries. I actually like doing that chore since it means I get to drive around and talk to
people. I like to talk to people. They tell me things. Like Mrs. Peterson told me all about her sixteen year old granddaughter who lives in
the city, and would be perfect for me. I just smiled politely and asked for the produce payment.
I thought about Lex mostly. I also thought about my ship and where it could be now. I still refuse to go look for it. I want it gone
forever.
I thought a lot about how I would tell Lex about me. I went through so many scenarios in my head of what to say and how to say it. I had the
nightmare again last night about it. In my dream he was so hurt, and when he told me to leave I refused. Then he pulled out the lead box he
gave me. When he opened it up it was full of meteor rocks. I hate that dream so much. I know it's about guilt, and I really do feel guilt
about not telling. I just can't do it. I know I shouldn't even think about it, but I can't help it. I'm getting so worked up just
remembering the dream. I need to do something to take my mind off it.
I caught mom and dad making out in the kitchen. When I got home from my fabulous adventure abroad I found them in the kitchen locked in a
major kiss-a-thon. I really love that they are still so 'that way', but I really think I should have fair warning.
Mom was amused that I was grossed out by their display. It's not that I was grossed out; I just didn't need to see that. It drives home the
limitations of our society, as well. It's not like Lex and I could do that. Sometimes I just think people are so unaware of their own
actions, and how they affect the rest of the world.
At least I got so see Lex last night. It was a nice night, too. We played pool and he kicked my ass over and over again. I totally suck at
that game. We also starred in our own make out session. One of the things I love to do the most with Lex is kiss. He's got such gorgeous
lips, and that little scar on his top lip is so fascinating. I love to tongue it.
I wish I could scar. It could be cool. I could tell the story of how I got it.
I guess I'll just have to be happy with sharing Lex's scars. I'm sure he's willing to share them.
It was a nice night. His hands in my hair and my hands on his hips; it felt so great.
~
12:09 pm
A long, hard morning
I just came in from the worst job on the farm; cleaning out the stalls. I hate that job and I always try to do it as
fast as possible. Usually Dad and I do it together, but this time I had no choice since Dad needed to go into the next county for a part.
Unfortunately I ended up moving just a little too fast and tipped everything over right on top of myself. I just showered so I wouldn't
smell like the cows used me for a toilet. Sorry about that grossness. I promise that is all I'm going to say.
Mom is making lunch so I thought I would take a few seconds to think. I find that writing here is almost like thinking out loud.
I had a nice day yesterday. I managed to stop by the Talon to see Lana. This time I actually talked to her. I didn't want things to stay weird
between us. I still feel a little strange because of the promise I made to her fake boyfriend. I promised him I would watch out for her.
She said that Whitney called her on the weekend, but she missed the call since she was in the city visiting
Chloe. He even wrote her a letter that
she said she hasn't opened yet. She did seem a little guilty about this. I can't blame her.
Whitney seemed to really think that things between
them could turn serious again.
Beyond that Lana and I had a great talk. Things seem much better between us. I ended up staying for almost two hours just to sit and think and
drink one coffee after another. The place is doing okay, but, apparently Lex thinks it could be doing better. I thought I would help out,
not that my few coffee purchases would make that much of a dent. It was nice to just hang.
My best friend Pete stopped by while I was there. He had a new girlfriend with him. He gave me his usual pity look. I am sure he thought I was
there to 'Lana watch' as he always says.
I didn't see Lex at all yesterday, but I think I will go by today to see if he can spare some time for a game of pool, or maybe a swim. It's
darned hot today. I'm going to ask Mom if it's cool that I beg off the rest of the day.
~
01:34 pm
I don't think I'll ever get used to the look on my dad's face when I do something super. That tree stump weighed nothing to me. I just
yanked and it went flying out of the ground. Luckily I didn't hit Dad with it. I did pull a little too hard, but sometimes I misjudge my
strength. Or worse, I'm stronger today than I was yesterday. At least it landed on our property, and not somewhere far away.
Sometimes it's so cool to be me.
~
10:00 pm
I really need to figure out how to control my blush response.
My day has been so nice. It started the usual way, working, this time in the field with Dad. We had a lot to do, and didn't get it done
until late morning. Dad went back to the house while I finished up and found Mom all upset over a loaf of bread. She burned her hand, and
it's weird to me that she was more upset over the bread falling on the floor than the burn. I hate to see my parents hurt, and, I have to
admit, sometimes I get a little guilty over the fact that I can't be hurt. Like the fact that I didn't even need oven mitts to get the pans
out. They're not hot to me. I know what hot feels like, and that isn't it.
I did all the deliveries for Mom today, including the ones to the Talon, and the nursing home. After I finished those, I came home as
quickly as I could to do the produce deliveries.
When I stopped by the mansion, I stopped in the office to see Lex. He was in a suit, which I don't see him in very often, but I guess he had
some meeting. I didn't really ask. I was feeling sort of horny so I got down on my knees and worshiped him. He's so worth getting my knees
dusty for. After he recovered, he sucked me off, and I really needed that. It's embarrassing how fast I come when he sucks me off. I love it
when he touches my cock. This time the real reason I came so fast was because he touched me there. His finger brushed across my hole.
It was the most amazing sensation. I didn't know what it would feel like, but it felt electric. Not really electric, since I have actually
felt that and it wasn't pleasant, but this was more than pleasant. This was like fire through my body.
Lex touched my butt hole. I was sure he'd never go there. Ever! But maybe he will. I don't want to ask him again if he'll fuck me since he
keeps telling me he can't do it right now. I think I'll just wait until he mentions it. The fact that he went there is a good sign. I wish I
was brave enough to ask somebody how to convince him that it's something I want. I'll just have to play it by ear.
I can not believe that just typing all that make me blush, and nobody but me is ever going to see it so I have no idea why I'm blushing. I
hate that so much. It was so much worse when I was younger. I remember all the times when Pete and I would talk about girls. I would stop
him before he got to what he calls the 'good stuff.' Eventually he finally stopped telling me anything at all. I really don't need to hear
details about anybody else's sex life. I always thought of it as something private. I've tried to express myself here and I've sometimes
tried to put into words what it feels like for me to be with Lex. I usually feel so self-conscious about those posts.
My mom is so cool, though. Mom and Dad are going to take tomorrow off. I offered, and I just know I'll regret this tomorrow, when I'm in the
middle of pitching hay. The huge bonus is that Mom actually said I could stay over at the mansion tomorrow night.
I couldn't believe it. Even my dad agreed. Tomorrow night I'm going over to have dinner with Lex, and I am going to sleep in his bed and
sleep in his bed. We can have sex and I don't have to leave after. I can fall asleep beside him.
Of course I have to ask him first, but I'm sure Lex will say yes. Yesterday when I stopped by to see if he had time for a swim, we talked
about what else we want to do for the summer, and I told him I wish I could come over and swim every single day. He told me I was welcome to
stop by any time, even when he's not there. He always makes me feel so welcome. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could just spend it
lounging around at the mansion with him.
I stopped by the Troy room on my way out. I really love that room. Every time I walk past it now, I think about the first time I was in
there with Lex. Most of it was cool. I remember thinking that Lex was the most fascinating person I had ever met. He stood so close to me
and he offered to help me get Lana. The necklace sucked, but I still have the box he gave me. It's here in the loft with me right now.
I'm hanging out in the loft. It's a nice night and the stars are out. I might go for a run in a few minutes. Night time is so nice. I can
hide.
~
05:00 pm
Lex, here I come.
Room cleaned - check
Chores done - check
Backpack (with tiny swim wear) packed - check
Mom and Dad off to the city for the weekend - check
Plan to seduce Lex and make him totally mine - check
I don't really have a plan, I'm just so excited to go over there. I think things between us have gotten more intense and I really feel like
we're moving to a whole new level in our relationship.
He might actually finally go there. But I'm not pushing. I'm going to be very patient.
And I don't really have tiny swim wear. I only have my red trunks, but if we're all alone maybe we can skinny dip. Because you know what,
Lex is so hot when he's naked. He has these cute little freckles all over his... I didn't pack pjs. I think I can sleep naked with him.
Maybe. Or I could wear my underwear. He might not like it if I sleep naked.
Anyway, before I go over, I need ice cream.
~
04:19 pm
What a weekend
I came home last night and passed out in the loft. It was such a nice weekend. I've spent nights with
Lex before, but not at his place. It
was nice not to have to go home afterwards. I had such a great time. In fact, I had a great time: three times.
Friday night was a little bit of a shock since just as Lex and I were finishing up our first good time (I made a lot of noise and we were in
such a hurry we forgot to close the bedroom door. Sound really travels in that place.) Mr. K called up to let us know that Bruce and Dick had just
arrived. This was a surprise since Lex wasn't expecting guests. I was really glad to see Dick. They're staying for the week I think.
After Lex settled them into a room Lex and I went back to his room to continue our night together. Mostly we just undressed and sank into
the bed together. We were both exhausted from our activities.
The morning was really nice. I woke up to kisses, and then I jumped Lex as soon as I was awake enough. I have never felt so lazy in the
morning. Usually I have my parents yelling at me to get my ass in gear, but yesterday morning we lounged for almost the whole morning.
I initiated things after that, twice. I think I really wore Lex out. He insisted that he wasn't sore.
After the first time in the morning we lay in his bed, and I spent almost an hour touching him. I have never really touched other people, or
for that matter, been touched by somebody else. Lex is the first person who has ever let me this close to him. Yesterday I just felt extra
strange about it. I wanted to touch every inch of his skin. I'm sure that I did, and not once did he ask me to stop. It's so weird to have
that. I'm not saying that other people have told me not to touch them. I've just never been in the position where another person wanted me
to touch them.
I hope that doesn't sound weird or creepy.
At least Lex really liked it. He didn't stop me when I flipped him over and tasted his skin. I really like the taste of his skin, especially
in the morning. It really turned me on, and I couldn't help myself. We ended up having sex again for the third time.
We spent Saturday later morning and early afternoon at the farmer's market then most of the afternoon poolside. I want to live by that pool.
It's so nice. I love being wet and I love when Lex watches me.
I'm waiting now for Mom and Dad's decision on whether I can go to the city for the evening with
Lex and his house guests.
~
09:10 pm
Wondering
I haven't really thought about it much in a while. Every once in a while I have a nightmare about it, but mostly I just pretend it never
happened. Today I came face to face with it again, and it was like it just happened yesterday.
Mom found out about last fall. Lana's aunt told her that I was the scarecrow. I have no idea how she could have found out. When Mom said it
I wanted to run away. I never wanted my parents to know about what happened. It's long over and there isn't anything they can do about it
now.
I'm kind of glad that she knows, and that she made me tell Dad. We told Dad together after dinner tonight. I even told them that Lex saved
me that night. I look back on that memory and realize that a part of me fell for Lex after that incident. It was like it was fated that he
find me.
Dad got really mad, but when I pointed out to him that it's long over, he calmed down a little. Still, Mom and I argued with him for over an
hour. He can be very stubborn. I want to just forget it ever happened.
After that, I came up to my room to think. I didn't tell my parents who did it. I think they can guess. I'm just hoping they don't try to
bring it up again. It was so humiliating, and I already feel like it haunts me enough.
I came home late last night so I crashed as soon as I hit the bed. It was kind of strange to be out in public with Lex. It wasn't like we
could hold hands or anything or that it even looked like a date to an outsider. At least I don't think it looked like a date. Guys eat
dinner together all the time. I've seen it. but maybe they were gay, too.
Bruce and Dick were with us. It was a public restaurant. The food was really good. I ordered spaghetti and meatballs. It was really nice and
relaxing. The helicopter ride sucked. I really hate heights a lot. I really don't like helicopters.
I saw Lex today when I dropped off the produce. He looked really busy, as usual. I only had a few minutes for a kiss and a grope. He has
such a nice butt. I want that butt again, very soon. I keep thinking about biting it. I could leave big teeth marks in the flesh. Then he'd
be marked. Or I could write "This butt belongs to Clark Kent" on it.
I wonder if other guys think this way. I wonder if where I come from other guys think this way. Are we even called guys? Maybe where I'm
from the language is totally different. It probably is. I wonder what my home world is called. I wonder a lot of things.
~
11:22 pm
Cookies and Milk and Mom
Mom gave me the day off so I called my friend Pete. I picked Dick up at the mansion and we went over to
Pete's place. We spent most of the day dirt
biking. Pete flipped his bike. Luckily he was fine, but he made a total fool out of himself, which was funny after the fact. Even he had to
laugh.
After we picked my friend up off the ground, Dick and I went back to the mansion. I really expected
Lex to be back from where ever it was that
him and Bruce went, but they weren't. I cleaned up as much as I could and went home.
I showered for dinner since I was still dirty and after that I went up to my loft to do some stuff. Mom brought me some amazing cookies. She
just left after we had a long talk. I wasn't even aware that I was acting all tense. She was worried about me, and the first thing she asked
was whether Lex and I had fought. I really love my mom, but sometimes she is scary-perceptive.
We talked about the fact that I have to trust Lex when he's with other people. The thing is, I do trust him. I know how he feels about me. I
was afraid to tell my Mom that he'd told me verbally how he felt about me. She didn't freak, but I think she was a little shocked. I'm glad
I told her. Now she knows what he means to me.
It was wonderful to talk to her. I can talk to my mom a lot easier than I can talk to dad. I love them both, but my mom tends to listen to
the whole sentence before reacting.
Dad's a great guy; he just doesn't get some things about me. I know he tries really hard to understand me.
So Mom and I talked over cookies and milk, and I feel so much better. I didn't realize what I was doing. I don't want to hurt
Lex, and I
want him to think that I'm mature enough to handle these sorts of things, like his ex visiting. Maybe I was jealous, and I just didn't
realize it. I'm glad Mom figured it out. I don't think I would have done anything about it, but I'm still glad she knew what to say. I think
maybe she was speaking from experience. At least it seemed that way.
I'm really tired now so I think I'm headed for bed.
~
11:17 pm
I really screwed up tonight.
I have no idea where my mind went. I have no idea why I snapped those handcuffs right in front of Lex. Did I want him to confront me? NO,
because I fucking panicked and almost stopped breathing. Did I want to be found out? NO. I was terrified. I have never been so afraid. I
wasn't even that afraid when I was up on that cross.
Everything was so perfect. He didn't freak when I held up the handcuffs. He let me cuff him to the bed. He begged me to suck him off and
after he came, I lifted his legs to wrap them around my waist. He trusted me! He continued to trust me as I fucked him so hard I thought for
sure we'd break the bed. Nothing in his eyes said stop or don't do this. His eyes were closed most of the time, but I could tell he loved
what I did to him.
It was so awesome. We were awesome. Then I ruined it with one second of carelessness. I could have just gotten the keys out, but I just saw
his wrists and they were red and I had to get those cuffs off. I don't think I like using cuffs.
So I experimented and I guess it mostly went great. I just feel like it could have been even better. Not that Lex called me on it. He
ignored it. I said they must have been weak already. He accepted that and told me he had other handcuffs. I thought I was going to throw up.
I can't even describe how afraid I was.
I didn't run. I cleaned up and climbed back into the bed with him. I wanted him to hold me forever. I wanted to go back in time and change
what I did; snapping those cuffs, because having him under me helpless was so much of a rush, I'm afraid that I will always want it that
way.
I can't let that one thing ruin the whole night. I don't want it to. I am so ecstatic about what happened between us. I felt so alive. I was
in control and it was amazing. Ever time Lex give himself over to me like that I feel like he's telling me that he trusts me completely,
even if he doesn't know about my strength. Nobody has ever given me that kind of trust.
His body was under me; trapped, sweaty and panting. His arms cuffed to the bedposts. I can't get that vision out of my head. It was as
though for that one second, nothing else mattered. I felt his heart pounding in his chest. His arms strained. I never realized how muscular
he is. He's stronger than he looks, but not anywhere near as strong as me. I stroked his cock in my hand, and he came with me inside him,
and I couldn't hold back anymore.
I think I need to go jerk off now.
~
11:47 pm
I've been so busy the last few days.
I spent all day doing chores, and then Dad practically ordered me to cut my hair. He said if it falls in my eyes when
I'm working, I could have an accident. He was being totally ridiculous and he knew it. He just hates my hair long. It's not even that long
especially after Mom cut it. blah. It's still a nice length. I promise. She was so cool about letting me keep it long for the rest of the
summer.
Mom totally ambushed me today. I hate when she does that. She claimed she needed me to help her run errands, but it turned out to be
shopping for clothes for me. I hate that so much. I usually just tell her to get whatever. I don't really care what I wear. I don't want my
parents to spend a lot on me.
The best part of the day was Dad's surprise. He took us to dinner. After dinner we went to the Talon to get some dessert. I had no idea
Lana
was in the city. She told me she was going but I didn't think it was now. I can't believe how fast the summer is going. I feel like I'll
blink and it will be September.
I'll just call Lana on her cell phone. I guess she must be happy that she's near
Chloe. Maybe I'll call them to see if we can do something. It's Chloe's birthday on Sunday and I got her something that I hope she will like. I found it today. I'm going to call her and see when I can give
it to her.
Tonight I am stargazing. Lex is busy but we're seeing each other again soon. We've both been so busy lately. The stars are calling and so is
more pie.
~
11:30 pm
What dreams do I dream?
That dream haunts me to the point of exhaustion. I can't tell anybody about it and I just wish it would go away. Some of the days I feel
that I can live my life this way; never tell anybody about what I really am. Then there are days where I feel that I can't face another
person, not even my parents. Though they know who I am they don't know me. I hide even from them. I am a fake, a phony. I eat, sleep and
breathe a counterfeit existence.
Most days I know I am not a horrible person. Why does it make me a horrible person for keeping something like where I come from to myself?
If I could just explain why my origin is not theirs, or if I could tell them, my parents included, that I am not a thing to be used, maybe I
could get some peace.
This time in the dream Lex tells me I am not what he thought and that he's throwing me back. I wake up on the river bank, and Lex is
standing over me. He bends down and tells me to let him drown. He says he would rather die than love me.
I woke up with a start. For just a second I didn't know where I was. I thought it was real; the dream.
I didn't do much today. Lex wasn't home. I went by the mansion around seven but he wasn't there. The black Ferrari was gone, and it looks
like he was drinking before he left or maybe not. I just found a glass of alcohol on his desk. I tried to call him, but I guess he was busy
with something else. He probably had some very important meeting.
I'm going to read and maybe see if I can figure out this dream thing. If I can't, then I might go to mom about it.
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