1:15p - My New Year's Eve
It was really nice. I had
a good time, even though Whitney bugged me about Lana. I can't go anywhere near
Lana
without Whitney thinking I'm making a move on her. This time he reminded me I'm not
her type. I was nice and didn't remind him that neither is he. She asked me to
go easy on him. I told her I would.
My resolution is to be nicer to people. Looking back, I guess I could have
treated some people better. I never thought I was a mean person but Lex must
think I am. He talks about the bad things I thought of him and how much it hurt
him to hear me say that stuff. I also privately vow to let him be. He's
obviously happy with Bruce and I would never want to hurt them. I'm just not that
kind of person. I couldn't do it to Lana when she was with Whitney so I certainly won't
do it to Lex.
At least I got a kiss on the cheek from Lana. We had a talk that was kind of
embarrassing. She needed to talk to somebody about her and Chloe. They did it on
Christmas day. I didn't really know what to say. Our conversation was just so
nice. I still look at her sometimes and just wish she did like me that
way. But I know it's never going to happen.
My dad is actually going to make me work today. I can't believe he won't give me
a day off. After I'm done with the chores, I think I'll stop by the mansion to
see if Mr. K would like to play some pool. I don't know if he plays. I guess I
could ask him. If he says no maybe we could do something else, unless he's busy
of course.
It's only a few more days before Lex comes back. I vow that I am going to be a
better person, and a better friend to him. He deserves so much and I thought
about it a lot. I think it's great that Bruce is there with him. It means Lex won't
ever be alone. I don't ever want him to be alone. I know how it feels to be
alone and it isn't nice.
~
10:55p - Some things aren't worth worrying about
Not that what I put in the
title has anything to do with what I'm writing tonight.
I feel sort of lost today. I had an okay day, worked hard, and got to talk to
Lana
on the phone. She asked me if I would go shopping with her and Chloe. I agreed to
go with them so that is what I will be doing tomorrow. Maybe it'll do me some
good to get out. Dad and mom said it would be cool if I slacked off a little and
did that for the better part of the day.
I went by the mansion to hang out with Mr. K. He's pretty cool: really polite. I
think mom would like him.
We played pool and he was good. I didn't beat him once, but that's cool. I
wasn't really doing it to win, more to just have somebody to hang with. He's
strange very different than other guys I'm used to. I get the feeling he might
like guys that way. He didn't say it but I just have this feeling, which
is cool. I may ask him a few things if I get up the nerve.
I did get up the nerve to ask him if Lex had called the mansion at all to check
in. He said that Lex hadn't called to his knowledge. I guess he would know since
he is the head of the security.
~
12:07a - shopping for new stuff
Never let your female
friends take you shopping. Not that I don't appreciate what Chloe and Lana were
trying to do. I did really. I followed them around and smiled at all the
clothing suggestions. I know I went way out of my way to make sure that I showed
them I was all for what they were doing.
They tired me out! I think I went to every single store in the mall that sold
clothing for men. Some of the suggestions were just ridiculous but I tried them
on anyway. I just couldn't bear to see the look in either of their eyes if I
said no. I tried to say no the first time and learned my lesson.
So now I own a new pair of pants which I desperately needed and a new dark red
long sleeved dress shirt. I needed new shoes so I picked up a pair of nice dress
shoes.
He's back. I'm not sure when he arrived. I called at four but he wasn't home
yet. (unless he was and they didn't tell me.) He posted in his journal so I know he's
around. He says some things about me that I can't get out of my head.
He didn't mention my calls so I have no idea if he heard any of them. I think he
would mention them since I called every day. Maybe that was too much. Maybe I
should back off.
I have so much work to do tomorrow. Dad couldn't get anything done since he had
to go over to the next county all day to find a part for the stupid tractor. I
hate that thing.
I guess I'll wait until Lex calls me. He's probably going to need time to
recover. I hate my life.
~
9:53a -
My phone messages turned
him on! I am so happy right now. I am off to do a million trillion chores, and
then I am going over to the mansion ASAP to be with him. Even if I can't touch
and I can't be close to him I know that it will be so great. I love him a
million times more now than ever. He's the most awesome thing in the world.
The tractor is broken again and on top of that dad won't get the part until next
week. Stupid tractor! It means I'll have to do the chores that I can by hand.
That could take forever.
Lex LOVES ME!!!!!
~
10:44p - Trapped
My dad decided, out of the
blue after I spent the whole day doing all his chores and mine, that we would be
staying in for a family night. I finally excused myself after sitting with my
mom and dad in front of the TV for a few hours. I told them I had homework to
do. I don't but I just didn't want to hang out with my parents. Plus I was ready
to punch my dad out. He was driving me insane.
I called Lex. He was really tired. I told him I wanted to come by but I couldn't
so I would see him when I did deliveries tomorrow. He was happy to hear from me.
I didn't ask about Bruce or that woman. He said he's alone in the mansion tonight.
I wish I could be there with him. I thought about sneaking out but mom said
she'd be checking on me every once in a while.
Something weird is going on. I have no idea why mom and dad are acting strange.
First they want me to stay in for a 'family night' and now mom keeps checking on
me.
She just left after the third time checking. Apparently my dad is sorry he
yelled at me. Jerk. He should tell me that himself. I'm just real mad at him
right now so anything I say is just heat of the moment. I know that but I just
needed to vent somewhere that wouldn't get anybody hurt. I already smashed a few
things in the barn. I'll probably regret it in the morning, but for now I'll
just burn energy a different way.
~
10:04p - lies and pain
Something's wrong. I am so tired. I've never been this tired before. I was hit
by lightning today on the class trip. Eric almost fell off the dam and when I
pulled him up, I felt weak and so drained. I also burned my hand. I didn't tell
mom and dad about it because I didn't want to worry them, but I have no idea
what to do. My shoulder is sore and all my muscles ache.
On top of that Lana was wearing her meteor necklace today at school. I hate the
meteors so much. I wish they didn't hurt me.
I read Lex's last few posts again. God it hurts so much to read when he talks
about my lies. I wish I didn't need to lie to him. I wish things were different.
to trust him through all the lies. Because of all the lies. The lies are
surely for both of our benefit, right? To protect us both. I am what I am and
perhaps there are some things I shouldn't know.
I want to cry every time I read this. I feel helpless and lost and like I should
just leave him alone. So that way I won't have to spew lies when ever we talk
about my special-ness. He hasn't brought the accident up in a long time but
obviously he isn't going to forget it any time soon. I feel so tired. I wish I
could go over there right this second and just tell him. Damn the consequences.
Damn my parents. Sometimes I hate them for making me lie the way I do, but I
know why I have to do it. I still hate it.
The fear that they might be hurt because they've hidden me all these years. The
fear that somebody would kill them for what they did. Sometimes it's more than I
can bear. I never talk to anybody about how much all of the lies hurt and how
much I am terrified by all of it. Sometimes I wish they'd never found me.
Sometimes I wish I'd never come here and destroyed so many lives.
I have to get to bed now. I am so tired.
~
10:18a - Lex
I did the deliveries yesterday and got a chance to see Lex. He was asleep on his
desk when I got there. It was pure joy to see him. I had to restrain myself from
just grabbing him and holding him in my arms.
I woke him up so we could talk for a few minutes. It wasn't much of a
conversation but it was great to be near him. He sat far away from me on the
sofa which I took to mean 'hands off.' He was so tired. I wanted to take it away
and make it better.
He told me how much he liked the phone calls. It made me feel so warm inside.
After that I was a little excited. It was hard not to want to just grab him and
hold him in my arms. He looked so vulnerable. I ached to be close to him. I know
I said I was going to leave him alone, since he is with somebody, but when I'm
near him it's so hard to keep to that. I think I did a good job of it yesterday.
Lex actually said that I make love sound simple. I don't know how he can say
that. It's one of the hardest things to understand. For one thing, I know how I
feel about him but I still have these feelings sometimes for Lana. I think
that's just me wishing for a normalcy that I know deep down will never be. I
know she will never feel that way about me but I can't help it.
He said he'd take me Italy one day.
~
10:51p - Tired
I'm so exhausted tonight.
I'm not super anymore. Mom thinks it might have something to do with the
lightning strike. I spent all morning doing chores. I have never known what it's
like to hurt but today I do. I can't imagine being this way all the time! I want
my abilities back! I always wished I was like everybody else but after tonight,
I just want to be me.
Gym class hurt, and after all that, I had to go home to do more chores. They
took almost three hours! I was still doing them when Lex stopped by. It was not
a great visit.
He confronted me about the accident. I was so tired and so unset, that I told
him off. I feel bad about it. Once I went inside I realized that if my abilities
are really gone for good, which mom and dad seem to think is the case, I am just
a guy. There will never be anything special about me again.
I gave him a hammer and told him to hit me with it. I knew he wouldn't do it. I
was just so frustrated and angry at him, at me, at the fact that, right when he
confronts me about this, I actually am telling the truth. I'm just a guy.
Nothing more. Nothing super. So why do I feel like crying? Why do I feel like
when I finally get the one thing I have dreamed about all my life it's nothing
but a nightmare?
I wish I could pick more than one mood because right now I feel so confused,
tired, angry, frustrated, and other things. I need to crash so bad it hurts.
I think I'll take a long hot shower before I go to bed. I'm interested to find
out if jerking off is any different now. I'll think about the fantasy where Lex
comes to me in my own bed and makes love to me right there in my bed. I can
pretend he weakens me and I am totally powerless before him. I love that one.
It's making me hard just writing about it.
I'm back from the shower. It isn't exactly the same. But it still rocks. I wish
I could find out if sex is different. Not that I've done more than receive a
blow job. Which I think about every single night before I go to bed. I will
never forget that. Of course all those times Lex and I did stuff are
unforgettable.
Note to self: When mad just think about sex with Lex. Add horny to mood.
~
11:04p - I give up
I am so tired and even
after taking a nap I still feel like I am falling apart.
It took me forever to do my chores. I had to skip out on my friends for two days
now. I have to get home right after class. Speaking of which, I passed out in
class today. It was so embarrassing. I drooled on my notes.
Lex and I had a fight. Sort of. He won't let this one thing alone and last night
he brought it up again. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much but I'm
so confused by all of this. I feel like just giving up. I feel like telling him
everything now since it won't matter anymore. That's the thing, it doesn't
matter. I'm just me and he's never going to accept that.
Mr. K pulled me into his office to tell me that Lex drank himself into a stupor
last night. Like I don't have enough guilt already. It's eating me up inside to
know that he does this to himself. Mr. K said he found Lex lying on the floor of
his office. He had broken a bottle and was sprawled in the glass. I thought for
sure he'd done something to himself, again, like the last time. If he had I
wouldn't have been there to stop him. I don't even want to think about that.
I was so tired I almost passed out over at the mansion. I know what Mr. K said
made sense. I need to think about what to do. If my new condition is permanent I
guess it won't make any difference.
I hate this. I don't think I can stand it much longer. I just know something is
going to explode.
~
8:12p - lost abilities found in Eric.
When I saw Lana today she was wearing her meteor necklace. I never realized how
beautiful the meteor rocks are. I'm usually in agony when I go near them. But
when I saw that necklace I couldn't take my eyes off it. Lana seemed very
understanding about my dorkiness around her. I have to tell her that it had
nothing to do with her. I just need to come up with a believable lie.
That's the only good thing about losing my abilities. No more pain around the
rocks. Of course it also means pain with everything else.
I got to play basketball with other boys today. It was the first time I could do
it and even though Pete and I lost, it was one of the best times I have ever
had. I loved it. I wish it could be this way all the time; if only for the
normalcy.
I think dad is happy I'm not super anymore. I'm not sure if it's because it's
something he knows I have wished for or if it's because it's something he's
wished for. I know deep down that dad hates my alien-ness. I know he loves me
but so many times I can tell he wishes things weren't so hard. Wishes he didn't
have to deal with the weirdness I bring into their lives.
I don't blame him one bit. I hate it too. I wonder how he would feel if I told
him I would give anything to be me again.
~
8:14p - Harden to the reality that dad is not always right.
My parents are the most
wonderful people in the world. I know if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be who I
am today. I know that their moral sense is one of the things that helps to guide
me.
There is one thing I do really hate, and that has been bothering me so much
lately. I always put it in the back of my mind because if I think about it I
will have to deal with it and I will have to admit that my dad is wrong. That's
my dad's attitude toward Lex. Whenever I bring up his name, dad gets this look
on his face. I tried to get him to explain it, but whenever I do he just brushes
me off. I hate that on this one thing that matters to me more than anything
else, my dad is so wrong. He can't think that I don't see his opinion of Lex as
bias. I just don't get it.
I try to understand but the truth is plain: dad just hates Lex because of his
last name. He won't bother to know him because then he would have to admit that
an L can be nice and can be a good person worthy of his time.
I know one thing for sure, no matter what dad says I will always make up my own
mind about people. That is one thing dad taught me, and I think I learned the
lesson well. Not perfect but I am learning more every day, from people like Lex.
He's made me open my eyes to so many things. And made me realize that the world
isn't simple no matter how much I wish it was. That is one thing that makes me
love him so much.
~
10:03a - All these years of hiding
I thought I had to hide what I am. I thought I had to be careful. Now here he is
with my abilities and the whole town thinks he's a hero. I am resentful. I can't
help it.
I wish I could go back and change everything. Dad says that people seem fine
with him now. I guess he thinks they'll turn on him.
Chloe seems taken with him. She was all tongue tied when he stopped in the hall
to thank her for writing the article about him. It was so ironic. When I pointed
that maybe Eric needs to be more careful, Chloe turned to me and says that as
soon as I start acting like Eric she would start writing nice things about me. I
think I'd rather not have that happen.
Last night Bruce stopped by. It was so nice to have somebody to talk to about
this and about Lex. I told him I haven't even gotten used to being normal. I
just can't deal with other stuff right now. Even if I was still 'super' I
couldn't deal with what Lex said. I mean I only found out a few months ago that
I am not even human! I hate it! It's not fair. How am I expected to just spill
what I am like that when I can't deal with it? I couldn't handle having to deal
with another person knowing and with still trying to sort it out in my own mind.
I can see what it is about Bruce that attracts Lex. He's just there; a warm soft
presence that doesn't judge and doesn't accuse. I'm glad he knows. Though it
still makes me nervous, it really doesn't matter any more. I am normal now and
as far as I can tell that isn't going to change. I feel like the weight of the
world has been lifted off my shoulders.
Bruce suggested I try to help Eric. My fear is that Eric won't treat what he has
with respect. That he'll be casual about it and I know he can't be that way. He
could hurt people so easily. I never forget all the times that I broke things.
The reason I could never have a dog for a pet. The times that I just forgot my
strength. It's so easy to hurt people. I am sure that I bruised mom and dad a
few times before I finally realized I just can't be too careful.
I gave Bruce a hug last night because he really seemed to need one. I wonder if
Lex is neglecting him. I can admit it here that I think I could easily fall for
Bruce. He's got something. He seems lost and I have to stifle my urge to help
him. Last night I had to stop myself from thinking thoughts I know I shouldn't
have. He's Lex's whatever, but I just couldn't help it. I wanted to get close to
him. I will never tell a single soul
~
5:11p - Hurt and in love
I'm about to go to Lana to ask her for her necklace. I figure Eric has my weakness
since he has my abilities.
I tried to stop him from hurting people, and got my ass kicked. Now I am going
after him and maybe I won't be back. This might be the last time I write in
here.
I ended up in the hospital, and Lex stopped by to see me. I was much nastier to
him than he deserved, but my ribs are cracked and I have a head injury so I
blame that.
I just wasn't in the mood but it was so nice to have him care enough to check on
me. He didn't just stop by and check on me, he kissed me when we went back to
get my things. God, I never wanted it to stop! I wanted him to hold me and take
control forever. I wanted to taste his warm, soft, pliant lips on mine forever.
I just wanted. I've never felt so much desire for anybody in my life.
He stopped it, and I wanted to force him to stay in my arms that way to keep
kissing me.
It was so different. I was hard instantly. I have never felt so wonderful, so
lost, so desperate for time to stand still.
I may never see him again. If I don't come back alive I guess nobody will see
this and nobody will know what I felt. I have to tell Lex how I feel, but I
won't get the chance if I die.
When this is over, I am going over to the mansion and I am telling him I love
him with all my heart. I wish I'd told him at the hospital. Maybe I should leave
a note or send him an e-mail.
~
10:47p - It
I'm back to normal. Well,
normal for me at least. Which feels wonderful. No more being tired and no more
pain. Of course it's nice to be me again.
Anyway, as soon as I could I called Lex to see if I could go over to talk. I
need to tell him how I feel so badly. He said he was tired and resting. I know
he's finished whatever business he had with that lady he was with. Maybe I
should go over without calling. I want to see him. I think I will go for a run
later. I haven't been able to in what seems like forever.
I miss him so much. Just hearing his voice for a few minutes makes me miss him
even more. I can't deny it; I am totally in love with him. I think about him so
much.
~
12:51a - Blah!
Lex was too busy to see me
again today. So I pretty much did nothing except mope as my mom said. She and
dad did some stuff in town and then came back.
I promised myself I would write in this every single day but I missed Sunday so
here I am writing about how much I miss Lex. I want to type his full name. I
could just post private but what ever.
Totally bored here. Can you tell? Again I say whatever. I thought about calling
Chloe and asking if we could hang like we used to before all this stupidness
happened. I realized I'm not as comfortable around her and Lana as I told her I
would be. It isn't even about them both being girls. It's about me being lonely.
I just can't stand to see them so happy. It's so rude and selfish of me to think
this but I can't help it. I promised another thing once about this journal, I
promised I would be as honest as I could.
I don't want to be near them when they are being all close. I think for now I
will just be in public with them. I don't want to tell them this because then I
will hurt Chloe's feelings more than I know I already have. Sometimes people think
I'm clueless but I'm not. I know things haven't been the greatest between us.
She helps me out when I need it, as long as it's something not personal.
I guess I had more to say than I thought.
~
10:50p - Unbearable
My lies will destroy everything I have ever worked for and everything I have
ever loved.
It would have been better for this world if I had never come here.
~
11:40p - days I just wish would go away
Who cares anymore? Why do I even bother? I had the worst day at school today. It
ticks me off that I can't even talk to Lana without Whitney's friends cornering me and
telling me to back off of her. If they knew what the real truth was...
I would never tell, but I confronted Whitney. I told him to tell his buddies to leave
me alone or I wouldn't be responsible for what happens. He just said sure and
walked away without even bugging me like he usually does.
I went to see Lex since today is delivery day. Either he really was tired or I
bored him to death. He seems so out of it. I wanted to wait until he brought up
the kiss in the hospital but he didn't so I eventually did. He said he needed
it. I grabbed him and kissed him. I don't really care right now if I get
chastised or what ever. He didn't get a chance to kiss back so it really wasn't
a kiss anyway.
I tried to get him to play some pool but he wasn't into it. Then I tried to talk
to him but he just seemed so ... lost. It's weird. I've never seen him this way
before. I think it's my fault. I mean, I know it is.
He told me his dad slept with that woman who stayed with him. The one he was
doing business with. I already knew but hearing it out loud, it just made me
want to hold him forever.
I love him so much. I told him so and then felt bad because I know he has Bruce. I
shouldn't be throwing myself at Lex like that. But I just can't help it.
I am so lost about what to do. Maybe some sleep will help.
I got a call from Lana tonight. She was worried about me. She said she was afraid
she wouldn't see me again. I guess I laid it on pretty thick when I asked to
borrow the necklace. It's nice to know that she cares. She invited me to hang
with her and Chloe tomorrow night. It'll be a nice change of pace.
~
1:16a - ?!?!@#
I just had to tell her. I
feel so much better now that Chloe knows about some of the things I've gone through
with Lex. I needed for her to know. I went over to hang with her and Lana but I
didn't' want to go alone so I invited Pete to come along. Chloe wasn't thrilled but
when I explained it to her, she understood completely. It feels so good to be
honest for a change. I just didn't want to sound like a jerk after I told her it
was cool for her and Lana to kiss in front of me, and now I'm telling her that
maybe it's not okay.
I wanted to tell her all about Lex and what has happened between us since the
first day I met him. I wanted to spill my guts, but I probably would have died
of embarrassment on the spot. Since I doubt she would want the details of that
blow job I relive every night.
I itched to called Lex all day today he was so upset yesterday. I just want to
be near him so I can help. How I just don't know.
Almost incoherent right now I am so tired. I think it might have something to do
with the fact that I haven't been sleeping well. I'm so worried about Lex. Is it
dumb to dream that I want to just hold him in my arms?
~
12:03a - Not sure I can take it any more
I noticed Lex hasn't updated his journal in a few days. I know things aren't great
with him. When I went over today to do the deliveries, he wasn't taking any
visitors. Not even me. He's never refused to see me, ever. Even when he's been
to busy to see anybody else he always makes time for me.
When I got home I thought I would check out his journal to see if he'd maybe written
about what was bothering him. It says he made some posts but they are friends
only so I can't see them. I guess they must be pretty bad. I wonder what would
make him post friends locked. He seems to not be afraid to talk about things
that I would lock in private posts.
My mom is calling.
Lex is single again.
~
12:22a - f@*# rocks
I hate those damn rocks! Why it is every time I turn around some jerk is trying
to kill somebody I love? Sometime I just wish I could find every last rock and
bury them in a huge, deep, dark hole.
Jeff came back. Who knows how long he's been in town. He attacked me and he had
meteor rocks on him. How did he figure it out? How could he have known they hurt
me? Only mom and dad know about that.
It was so hard watching him drag Lex away just a few feet from me. The pain from
those fucking rocks - I hate it! Lex was hurt and I couldn't help him.
He's all alone in the mansion now. Bruce stopped by on his way out of town to
let me know Lex is all mine. He asked me to take care of him and to go to him. I
almost abandoned Bruce right there on the spot and ran right over to the
mansion.
After everything that happened tonight Lex probably needs some rest. I want to
run over and just make sure he's fine. Make sure he's still there. Plus now that
Bruce dumped him he must be hurting. Maybe that's what was bugging him all week?
It could have been. He's seemed so lifeless. I think back now on the times I did
see him and I realize something is so wrong with him. I feel so stupid for not
noticing it sooner. He's hurting and I know what I have to do. I have to go see
him tomorrow. And this time, I won't take no for an answer.
I'm going to call Feegan after school and explain to him what I want to do. I
just want to make sure Lex is okay. I need to know that he's okay.
I had to take a shower while I was at the mansion since I got some of that oil
meteor stuff on my skin. It made me sick I thought I would throw up. Luckily
Feegan loaned me new clothes. I lost my favorite shirt, which sucks. Feegan
drove me home since Lex was still too out of it to even talk to me. Feegan
thought I had an allergic reaction to the oil which was so convenient. I am
still feeling a little out of it from the meteor exposure. It was the longest
I've ever been exposed to them. Even after I was away from them, I still felt
ill.
It's weird to know that something here, right next door, right around Lana's
neck, could kill me.
I guess I can die after all.
~
10:47a - dreams suck
Last night I had the weirdest dream.
I think it must have been because of what happened last night. I was sitting in
my loft and Lex stopped by. He sat down beside me and put his hand on my knee
then he told me he wants to be with just me. We start to kiss but then he freaks
out and pushes me away and starts to scream that I am nothing but a liar.
Then I was in the house and mom and dad were telling me that they lied to me
that the ship was a joke and I am not an alien after all.
When I woke up I was floating above my bed again. I crashed as soon as I
realized what was happening.
My dreams suck almost as much as my life.
I really need to go see Lex. As soon as school is out I am running to the
mansion.
~
10:39a - Hate is a four letter word.
God, when Lex said he seems to attract the freaks, it was all I could to not
just run out of the mansion and never look back.
He's bald because of me; he's attacked all the time by those meteor freaks that
are created thanks to those happy little rocks I brought with me when I crashed.
I hate those fucking rocks so much.
Everybody would be so much better off with out them, maybe even without me.
~
11:02a - Never make friends with freak
I suck as a friend and all the proof I need is the way I treated Chloe. I should
have told her all along. The truth is I don't even know why I didn't tell her. I
have thought about it and all the reasons I come up with suck. I suck. I have to
make it up to her somehow. Any suggestions would be more than welcome.
I tried to talk to her yesterday before going over to see Lex. It didn't go
well. I deserved the treatment I got. I know I did. I want so badly to go back
in time and change that one night when she confided in me. I wish I had told
her, but I guess like my dad says; if wishes were horses, or something like
that.
I did manage to see Lex last night. He makes me forget anything is wrong in the
world. He makes me feel like I can do anything.
I was in such a bad mood after the fight with Chloe. I really tried to hide it.
I guess that is another thing I suck at.
It was so good to be near him. I wanted to be in his arms the minute I walked in
the door. The conversation was so hard. I told him that on his way out of town
Bruce stopped by the farm to say good bye and to tell me to go to Lex and to take
care of him. Lex seemed depressed at the thought that BW thought that he needed
to be taken care of at all. He said we both must have a pretty low opinion of
his abilities to fend for himself. I tried to tell him that wasn't true. I
didn't really know what to say.
Then I sort of crawled into his lap. I couldn't help it. I needed him so badly.
I needed the contact so badly, but mostly I needed somebody to show me that I am
worth being.
I don't know what it is but lately I just feel so lost and alone and just hurt
all the time.
I am not going to screw it up this time. I'm going to accept everything he tells
me. I trust him. He's proven himself more times and in more ways than I can
count.
I kissed him and this time it felt so amazing; nobody to stand in our way,
nobody to stop us but us. He asked me what I want so I told him I want us to be
an us again. I want to be with him from now on. Maybe forever. It could happen.
Mom says a good relationship doesn't just happen. You have to work on it. I am
so determined to make it work.
He wants me to give him time and I will. What he doesn't get and what I realized
this morning after I jerked off to thoughts of him is I would wait forever.
I am so screwed. I have to think all of this through and then maybe talk to my
mom about it in a vague sort of what if way.
So now I am going to keep my cool. Stay near him but not in his face and wait
until he's ready for more. He did kiss me back and hold me, so that's a start.
I just hope I've matured enough for both our sakes. I really don't want to hurt
him ever again. I know that is an impossible task. But I am so determined to try
that I think it shows on my face.
~
10:33p - If only tonight I could
Change the things I've done. But we all say that. Instead I am being given a
second chance and I am so grateful for it. I went by to see Lex last night. He's
so amazing. We just sat and held each other. I almost fell asleep in his arms,
but only for a few minutes. I wanted to be aware of everything that happened. I
didn't want to miss out on a thing. He was so beautiful with his eyes closed and
his mouth loose. It seemed to beg me to kiss it. So I did. I crawled onto him
and kissed him and pressed onto him. I was so hard and so anxious.
I already know he wrote about what happened in his journal. I didn't realize he
wanted me to be the one to stop it. I wanted whatever he would give me right
then. I wasn't afraid and I don't know why. I just knew that in my heart I could
trust him to do the right thing. Maybe that's why I said okay when he told me he
wanted me. I would have done anything at that moment to make him happy. I need
it; he needs it.
He asked if I was worried about him hurting me again. I'm way more worried that
I'll hurt him. I'm way more worried that something I say or do will make him
look at me in that wounded way he has. It's so painful to see.
After we decided to take it slow we made popcorn and cuddled while watching a
movie. I didn't even care what the movie was. All I cared about was that we were
together. So for now I will be there for him, and let things take there natural
course.
~
12:12a - Failure isn't an option
I failed Chloe tonight. We
were at the mansion to do the interview with Lex and something happened. These
guys came out of nowhere and attacked us. Chloe was thrown out a window. She fell
three stories. I heard her scream but I couldn't make it in time. I tried. I
really did.
I screamed for help and Lex came running. He called an ambulance, and Lex and I
followed her in his car. He dropped me off at the hospital and went back to the
mansion to deal with the police. It turns out he was robbed.
I stayed with Chloe as long as I could. She looked so bad. Her pretty face got all
bruised and it makes me choke up when I imagine it. I called her father as soon
as we made it to the hospital. Lana was over at her place, waiting for her to come
back from the interview. Needless to say she came as fast as she could, to be by
Chloe's side.
Why didn't I save her? She could have died and I would have failed her. Lana is
with her now. I stayed as long as I could. She asked if she should call my mom
and dad to come get me, but I told her to call Lex. I wasn't really thinking
straight. All I could do was stare at Chloe as she lay on the hospital bed and wish
I'd gotten to her in time.
I didn't say much on the ride back to my place. Lex reassured me things would be
okay and dropped me off. I was so grateful that he knew I just didn't want to
talk right then. He knows me so well some times.
~
10:47a - Lex likes to make out like a teenager
Chloe hasn't woken up yet. I am so frantic with worry, What if something really bad
happens to her? What if's ... suck.
I feel like I failed her and that feeling isn't going away no matter how many
people tell me it's not my fault. It hurts to see her all helpless. The thought
that she could have died and I couldn't have saved her.
I am trying to concentrate on other things; like finding the jerks that hurt
her. Lex said he will make sure they are punished when they're caught. For a
second just the way he said it made me worried that he would do something
illegal. He's as upset as I am about what happened I can tell. I just worry that
he might try to take the law into his own hands. He didn't tell the police about
the stuff that they stole. I have to wonder why he wouldn't tell them. I have to
wonder if he's hiding something. In the end though, I trust him to do the right
thing. I feel a little guilty that I even thought these things even if it was
for a second.
Even with all this going on Lex and I managed to find time to 'make out.' I was
pretty surprised but it's as far as he wants to go right now. I guess I'll still
be jerking off for a while yet. I don't mind because it means he has committed
himself to us. I am so excited about that. I know the other night I was ready to
let him do whatever he wanted to me, but I'm grateful he stopped it. I'm not
ready for more so to have him want to take things slow is so romantic, and it
makes me feel very special. If I wasn't somebody he intended to be with for a
long time he would have just dived in and gotten it over with.
I can't get over the fact that he wants to just make out with me. I smile every
time I think about it. I also get hard but then that's not new.
~
9:28p - I need a distraction
I thought this would be a great way to keep track of some sites I found while
researching safe sex. That way I can go back to them and mom won't find them.
I wonder if Lex wants me on top or if he wants me on the bottom. I'm not even
sure I could ask him that without combusting into a big ball of fire. Bottom
looks painful but maybe if I'm on the bottom I won't hurt him. My strength could
be a problem since when I have an orgasm I have to make sure not to grab things.
I've ripped a few sheets that way.
I won't forget what Lex looked like under that guy from a few months ago. I know
what it looks like. I've looked at the pictures. It looks like a strange angle
but I think I would want us to be facing each other.
I wonder if that's what he would like.
~
10:19p - worried
I think I saw one of the
guys who robbed the mansion today. I was picking up a microwave for my mom and
while I was trying to talk to Whitney, this rude guy interrupted us. He had a
tattoo on his arm that was green. I'm not sure what to do about it. I have to
investigate.
Chloe is still not awake. I want to find those guys and . . . Well I can't say it
here. Mr. K stopped by to apologize for failing Chloe and me. I tried to tell him
it's not his fault. I hope he doesn't lose his job over it. I mean the guys
appeared out of nowhere. How are you supposed to fight that?
I'm really worried about Chloe so to take my mind off it, I did some research. I
made a private post with links that I don't want my mom or dad to find. It's
amazing what you can find on line. You can find information about almost
everything. I've never done things like put on a condom although one site
suggests you wear one even when you jerk off so the mess is less. I need to get
some supplies, but there is no way I am buying them here in town. I will have to
drive far away.
I know Lex has asked that for now we just take it slow, but I want to be ready
for when he wants to do more. I couldn't figure out what he needed me to do
since he had to spell it out for me. I kind of feel like a dope not knowing, but
I guess I figured since he's older and knows more and has done it he
would know what to do. I want to wait to ask him about it. I know eventually we
will have to have the safe sex talk. My parents already talked to me about
condoms and that kind of stuff. I still have the condoms they gave me a while
back. It's not like I've had any chances to use them.
Who knows when I will? It's weird because I know I can wait but at the same time
it drives me nuts to be near him. He's so sexy. You have no idea. When he walks
he does this thing with his hips that make me want to grab and just do things
I've never even thought about before.
~
11:17p - challenges
Chloe is awake. I was so
happy to see her awake, and as plucky as ever. I told her I was so sorry for
letting her get hurt, and like everybody else, she told me it wasn't my fault.
She told me the guy who grabbed her has a tattoo. The guy I saw has one. I
looked into it and discovered that Whitney's new friend is a failed athlete.
I was afraid something bad would happen so I called Lana and told her what her
'boyfriend' wouldn't. He lost his scholarship and didn't tell her. He's really
being a jerk. I get that he feels trapped, I feel trapped too sometimes.
Especially with this town being what it is. I just wish for Lana's sake he would
treat her better. Let her know what's happening to him. I know I would treat her
so much better if she was my girlfriend. Not that I want to go there at all
anymore.
I noticed when I saw him today he had a tattoo. I'm really worried.
So Lana talked to Lex about not tearing down the Talon since he bought the old
theatre that Lana's aunt used to own. It's a nice place but it really needs to be
fixed up. She told me he shot her down, which doesn't surprise me. I mean he's a
business man. I thought maybe I would talk to him about it, see what he has in
mind. I know he was just trying to challenge her since he does that a lot. It's
one of the things I love about him. He's been challenging me since the first
time we met.
I want to go see him. I used to just run there late at night but I haven't done
that for a long time. If we weren't taking things slow I would run there right
now. But it's late and he's probably asleep by now.
~
11:58p - huh?!
My angel, on the other hand, knows how to convince me of things. And, you
know, I suspect that he knows that he has that power. That ought to bother me, I
suppose, but it doesn't. Strangely, I find myself rather proud of him.
I have no idea why he would say this. I've never convinced him of anything. Have
I? I mean, I've asked him for help. I was thinking of asking him to help out
Lana with the Talon. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just let her do it on her
own.
He thinks about my age. I think about his too. He's older has done more has been
places. I've never even left Smallville unless you count the fact that I was
hurtled through the galaxy in a space ship. Sometimes when I'm around him I feel
awkward, but then he talks to me like I'm his equal and I feel special. He's
everything I want.
~
8:18p - Meh!
I felt the effects of the meteor rocks again when I was near the guys. It
freaking hurt. Stupid Rocks. I'm pretty sure they could kill me if I stay in
contact with them for too long. I wish I could get out of this town.
~
8:20p - What to do.
I'm not sure what to do.
Whitney is in bad with those guys. They tried to hurt Lex tonight. I stepped in
just in time, but I was so surprised to see Whitney there. I just can't believe
he'd do this. Lex said that if Whitney had anything to do with the break-in then
that's his fault and he'd have to be dealt with. I agree, but I don't think
Whitney did. I don't believe that he would hurt anybody intentionally.
Those guys were going to hurt Lex. He said they blackmailed him, and he was
trying to deal with them in his own way. It's funny at one point he asked if I
was wondering if my dad was right about him, but the truth is I was wondering if
he was going to be okay. I don't care why he did it, I was worried that these
guys were going to hurt him or worse kill him. I don't think I could stand that.
It's so weird with Whitney. I've never met anybody who hates me so much. At
first I thought it was over the whole Lana thing, but now I think it's more than
that. I'm not sure what. He has everything. So what if he suffered a setback.
Everybody does. I know all about setbacks. He seems so bitter. I understand
bitterness.
Whitney has always been somebody who hardly ever paid attention to me until that
night when I had a talk with his girlfriend. That's what led to the scarecrow
thing. I still think about that every once in a while. The words they teased me
with, the words Whitney teased me with. He called me a loser and a suck-up. One
of the other guys called me a fag, and I remember Whitney sneering at that.
Now it seems even sillier. Lana isn't even his girlfriend. That crack I made to
him about not being able to keep her was way out of line. I don't usually do
that. I wish I could take it back.
I made a promise. I told Lana I would deal with Whitney, and I know Lex will
follow through with making him pay, but I'm going to do whatever I can to make
sure Whitney doesn't get in any more trouble. Whitney's not a bad guy, he's just
feeling a little lost right now. I thought a lot about why I told Lana I'd help. I
know it's mostly so she won't have to worry about him. Even if they aren't
dating, she still cares about Whitney. It's in her eyes when she talks about
him.
I understand since I still care about her.
I might talk to her about this. I know she really has something serious with
Chloe.
Maybe Lana's not admitting how much she still cares about Whitney.
Lex drove me back to the truck after I stopped those guys from hurting him. I
was so afraid they'd hurt him badly, but he seemed fine. We made out in the car
before he dropped me off. It was so nice. I felt like taking him home with me so
nobody could hurt him again. I felt like climbing into his lap and staying
there. I know he probably would have let me.
He let me pull his shirt up and get underneath so I could touch skin. He didn't
complain when I licked his nipples. It felt amazing. I think he mumbled
something about second base, which is so cute. I'd never say that out loud of
course.
It was nice to touch and have permission. It felt so illicit, and the fact that
somebody could have caught us made my heart pound in my chest. There was a very
tiny chance of that mind you, since the streets are dead after eight.
I've never felt so anxious to touch, and to be with him before. It was like no
matter how much I kissed; no matter how much I touched it wasn't enough to
satisfy.
~
8:12p - Pain sucks
I am not surprised that Chloe
figured out how the guys were pulling off their walking though walls trick.
She's always been so good at these things.
We caught the guys who hurt Chloe which made me so happy. Whitney is fine too. He
told Lana everything and she called me. We went to get Lex's thing back that the
guys took, since I knew it was important to him. When Whitney told me the guys
were planning on killing Lex I almost flipped. I was right about them trying to
do worse. It really bothers me that people always seem to want to hurt him.
But everything is okay now and Lex is safe. I'll have to thank Whitney for
having the courage to step forward with what he did. He really screwed up but he
was willing to take responsibility for what he did. I hope he can work through
his problems.
The coolest part was Lex coming to our rescue for a change. I though for sure I
was in way more trouble than I'd ever been in before. Here Whitney and I were
trapped by these guys. One of them actually shoved his arm in my chest. It
sounds weird but that's what happened. Something in the tattoo ink made them
able to walk through things. It really hurt. A lot!
~
8:59p - making out in a Porsche
Two days in a row now I have managed to get Lex to make out in his car. I have
to say, a Porsche is not the best car to make out in.
I stuck to all his rules; no clothes off, just touching over clothes and lots of
rubbing. I felt brave so I touched him on the leg as he was driving. When my
hand moved down to his cock, he decided it was safer to pull over so we could
continue our activity.
I made him come in his pants. He seemed pretty happy about it. I read about
things you can do to somebody. Things like rubbing them in certain spots. I
managed to get his shirt open. We kissed for a long time. I think I must be
getting better at it. I'm learning what he likes, and it's so much fun. I love
to touch him, to kiss him, to do all these intimate things without taking our
clothes off.
~
9:15p - yumm!!
Talk about instant hard on. I just tried to write a post the way Lex would about
sex but I'm pretty sure it's nothing like Lex's sexy posts. They are just the
most awesome. Like this from his last post -
Now I've fucked in a car. Been fucked on one. But this is totally
different, tender and tangible and so hot it makes me giddy. Hotter still for
keeping it so innocent.
Not that I'd mind him fucking me on the hood of my car.
I don't think I could type that word, in quite that way. I feel dirty just
thinking it in my head. He wants me to be on top. Although I personally don't
really want to do that on the hood of a car. I would rather have it be in a bed.
Something romantic. With soft sheets and low light. I feel so silly thinking
this about him. He's a guy and on top of that he's obviously had way more
experienced lovers. Like Bruce. He knows what to do to make Lex happy in bed.
I have to learn what to do for him. This is really making me hard. I think about
Lex and I get hard. It's real embarrassing since it happens when ever. Even at
the coffee shop. At school, at the dinner table the other night.
I got to practice pinching his nipples. Since I am so strong, I need to figure
out how much pressure to use. I think I did okay. He moaned a lot but never
yelled that it was too hard. I want to practice that some more.
~
9:00p - He let her have the Talon
He actually said yes to
Lana's plan. I'm so happy for Lana. She really wants this. I plan on helping her get
the place ready over the next few weeks.
In the best news of the day, Chloe has finally been released from the hospital.
She's doing much better; back to her old self. It was so cute to see her all
gung-ho to get back into reporter mode. I saw the look Lana gave her as we stood
outside the Talon. It was really adorable, although I sensed something when
Chloe
asked about Whitney. She seemed nervous or something not sure what it was.
In not so good news, Lex fired Mr. K. which totally sucks since he's a cool guy,
and I mean those guys who robbed the mansion could walk through the
walls. They could go through pretty much anything including my chest. Which I
didn't really go into detail about since it sounds real gross. It was totally
gross. So I can't see why Lex would fire him when no matter who was on duty the
robbers would have gotten in.
I'm going to talk to Lex about this. I just think it's so unfair. Plus I was
making a friend of Mr. K. He's so nice. I should have asked him for his number.
I like how he can talk on my level and never once condescend to me, even when he
talked to me about serious things: the most serious being Lex. I haven't had a
chance to try out some of those cool things he
suggested. I might go over after I take a shower. I've been in the field all day
setting fence posts and I stink. I need a major shower, which I guess is the
same as a normal shower.
I'm off to shower first, and then I'm going to the loft. The stars are really
nice tonight. From there I plan on calling Lex to see if he's too busy to play a
friendly game of pool. :
~
9:12a - sigh
Last night I went by the
mansion. Lex was relaxing by the fire. We decided to have a quiet evening. It
was so nice, and no pressure at all. We talked quietly about silly things that I
would have thought were boring to him. He told me I needed to be more careful in
the future. It turns out he saw that guy shove his arm in my chest. It must have
been real frightening to see that. But Lex just casually asked that I be more
careful and kissed me so gently I felt so loved. It was the most wonderful
feeling in the world.
I called him my hero because he is. He's already saved me a few times now, and
nobody else ever has. It feels great. I already said that. I guess I feel like
saying it over and over again. :)
I explored his neck and the whole time we never once removed clothing, nor did I
venture under his shirt. I just wanted it to be sweet and wonderful.
I only have to wonder how long he'll be satisfied with just this before he wants
and demands more. I realize I'm just not ready for more right now. I want to
have 'the talk' with him but I am way too embarrassed to bring it up. Like he
said, there is plenty of time. Oh and I blushed so hard when I asked if we're
officially dating. He said sure so I called him my boyfriend. I have to admit,
it will be nice to be able to talk in front of Lana and Chloe about my boyfriend.
I have so much work to do today. I am not going to be a farmer when I grow up.
Dad is yelling at me to get my lazy butt out of bed.
~
9:23a - darn
Sometimes I am so happy about things and then reality comes crashing down on me.
If I can't tell Lex the truth about my heritage, at this point I am so
terrified, I don't know how I'll do it, how will we ever be able to have a
lasting relationship like the one my mom and dad have?
This is only going to end badly if I can't tell him.
He said in his journal that he wants more but that he can wait. I hope that's
true. I realized last night that I am really enjoying this slow pace he's asked
for. I'm going to tell him that point blank today.
That is at least one thing I can be truthful with him on. It makes me feel so
much better knowing this. He also said he's so glad I gave him a second chance.
I can't believe Lex Luthor, one of the richest men in the country, wants me. A
poor farmer nobody.
~
1:37a - normal farm day
And really I am so glad. I needed a normal day just to relax and be me.
I called Mr. K on the cell phone number he gave me. I think Lex's dad answered.
I was very glad he handed the phone over to Mr. K fast. I invited Mr. K over for
dinner. Mom told me I could when I asked. I want to get to know him better. He
seems like such a nice guy and I was hoping to see if I could figure out if he's
into guys. I can't tell. I don't really know what to look for.
Mr. K said he's still working for L the company that hired him. He also said
he's working close with Lex's dad. I'm glad he got another job. I was worried
that he would be in trouble.
I didn't get to see Lex today but that's cool. I thought about him all day. He's
so wonderful. The kind things he says to me; about me. I just can't believe he
feels that way about me.
I am so glad he thinks we have a chance this time around.
More later, need to run off the Froot Loops I ate.
~
11:59p - So busy today
And for the rest of the
week. I just got back from the mansion. I was so happy to see Lex. He looked
great. We met up at the Talon, which is the place he gave Lana to fix up as a
coffee house. Lana, Chloe, Pete and I went there after classes and cleaned up a
bit, looked around and assessed the work load. Of course Pete and I did all the
heavy lifting.
Lex picked me up and we went back to the mansion to 'make out' and other things.
I talked to him about Mr. K, but it didn't go well. He doesn't like Mr. K. I
didn't realize this. I kept it to myself that Mr. K is going to be coming over
for dinner on Wednesday. I mean I can have who ever I want as a friend, right?
I wonder if he knows Mr. K is now working closely with his father.
So Lex and I ended up making out again on the sofa which was awesome. He is the
most amazing kisser, and he has this mouth that makes me blush when he licks it.
I had to change my shorts (kid you not) he was so hot. Oh and he looks so yummy
in a suit. I tried a few things even though we were fully clothed the whole
time. I wasn't able to control myself for long. It took an embarrassingly short
time for me to come.
He liked the things I did to him so now I have a catalogue in my brain about
what he likes.
Tonight his kisses where very passionate, and very aggressive. I wonder if it's
because we had just talked about Mr. K. He told me I should be careful or he
might start getting jealous. I liked the aggressive kissing. I found, though,
that I have to concentrate more; be more careful. This is great because I need
the practice. I had to resist the urge to just kiss him until his lips were
bruised. He gets me so excited. I have never felt this way near anybody else
before. So out of control; so aware, so desperate to touch and be touched.
When he pushed me into the sofa and climbed on me I went crazy. I wanted to rip
his clothes off and just do things to him. I don't even know what but I'm sure
Lex could have shown me. I have a neck thing for sure. When he kissed me there I
almost threw us off the sofa. He even bit me lightly on the neck. Yummy.
I love it when he takes control. I want him to take control. I didn't really
know this about myself until now. I suspected it, but wow, he proved it to me.
~
7:32a - Up and around
I had to get up really
early to finish fixing a fence in the far field for dad. I thought I would get
some thoughts down while I waited for breakfast.
I spent most of yesterday afternoon helping out at the Talon. That place needs a
good cleaning. I can help for a little while today but then I have to get home,
do the deliveries, and help mom with dinner. I told her I'd help since Mr. K is
my guest. I've really only had my friend Pete over for dinner before so this is
something knew.
I really wish I could easily invite Lex. If it wouldn't make my dad suspicious,
if it wouldn't trigger mom's alarms, if my dad didn't have the attitude he has,
(which grates like you wouldn't believe. Half the time I have to just walk away
and pound something into the ground before I give something away that would get
both of us into trouble. I want to scream it to the sky what I know about Lex. I
want the whole world to know that he is the best thing ever. I could go on and
on. )
I had a talk with Lana about Whitney. I'm worried about that whole situation. I
don't want any of the people involved to get hurt. I mean there is Chloe to
consider. I know they are committed to each other but still somebody is going to
be hurt badly, I can just tell.
In turn, Lana asked me about Lex and what is happening over there. I realized that
I hadn't actually come out and said to anybody that Lex and I are dating. It
sounds so strange to say out loud. I mean he's so mature compared to me and on
top of that he runs a business that employs half the town.
She also asked if his intentions are good intentions. I have no doubt in my mind
that we are going to make it work this time around. My mom always says that you
have to work hard to make a good relationship a success. I plan on working as
hard as I can, which is not to say I won't make mistakes along the way. I known
I will. I'll even bet right now that I will make the most mistakes out of the
two of us.
Maybe if I hurry I will actually catch the bus to school. Mom's calling me to
breakfast. It smells great. I think she made pancakes.
~
8:56p - Trust
Trust issues. When he finds out I've been lying to him all along about the
accident, about what I am, he'll hate me forever.
I am so afraid to tell him. Most of the times, I just don't think about it. I
pretend I'm just a normal human boy and that there isn't anything weird about
me. But then something happens, like I get anxious and grab Lex's arm too hard.
Ever since I discovered I had strength above normal I've wanted nothing more
than to be just a guy. I am so scared that one day I'll hurt Lex badly. Most of
the times, I keep my hands to myself.
I probably bruised his arm.
~
9:09p - Lex is so awesome
I'll tell you why.
Dinner went well considering Mr. K actually brought a bottle of wine that was
sent by Lex's dad. Of course my father wouldn't touch it. My mom was much more
polite. She had a glass. I didn't ask for any, because I knew mom and dad would
say no.
Mr. K is a really nice guy. He's very personable and seemed right at home with
my parents. Dad smiled and warmed up to him when he heard that he was no longer
working for Lex. I nudged him under the table to signal he shouldn't tell dad
where he's working now.
After dessert I showed him my telescope in the loft. There was a little meteor
shower to show him and he seemed impressed. I'm sure he was just being polite.
As we talked, Lex showed up. I was confused as to why he had stopped by since I
didn't expect him. At first he seemed really mad and made accusations about what
was happening. He was furious with Mr. K but I managed to convince him to stay.
He almost left. I'm still not sure what happened. I think he thought his father
had set things up but there was nothing set up. I invited Mr. K over.
I wasn't mad that he was jealous. I was mostly just confused. I don't like
playing games since I have no idea how to. I'm pretty much a 'what you see is
what you get guy.' I hate leading people on, but I can get confused about what
the right thing to do should be. I'm sure I didn't lead Mr. K on and I know he
didn't have an ulterior motive. No matter what either of us said, Lex wouldn't
believe it so Mr. K left us alone to talk it out.
We talked and everything is fine. He stayed for a while after to 'make out'
which was nice and sort of made my heart pound in my chest because the fact that
my mom and dad where just in the house was terrifying.
I told him that whatever he wants I'll do. I want him to feel comfortable and
safe and know that I am never going to hurt him. He just doesn't do trust well.
He didn't out rightly forbid me to stop being Mr. K's friend. He would never do
that.
~
9:52a - Hmmm
My mom is the best. She
always makes me feel better about anything no matter what it is. She talked to
me about some things last night that are related to my fears about hurting Lex.
She told me she trusted that I would never hurt him. I know I never would
deliberately, but what if it's an accident? I can't help but remember all the
reasons while I was growing up why I had to keep my hands to myself. If I think
about it too much, I start to feel sick.
Last night made me do a lot of thinking. I called Mr. K because all the things
Lex insinuated were bugging me. I needed to know that he hadn't actually used me
like that. Mr. K reassured me that he would never hurt me or Lex on purpose. He
isn't into games, and refuses to play them. I was so glad to hear that. It was
really bugging me.
I really think he cares about Lex's wellbeing. The only thing that bothers me
but of course this is not my business to ask or even think about (the thought
made my brain explode) is what exactly Mr. K does for Mr. Big (Lex's dad). Lex
implied that it was something of a (I can't even type it. The thought is just
too gross. I mean the guy is my boyfriend's dad).
Okay, now that my brain has gone there twice in one day it's time to stop.
I want Lex to feel safe with me, with us. I want him never to have to feel like
he has to question my trust. I love him so much it hurt to think that he's grown
up never able to count on anybody enough. He said it was his baggage but it's
mine too. I gladly take it on. I mean I love all of him, but I guess this is the
part where we look under the hood and see what the world has done to us. I have
things that maybe he has no clue about. I know they will be revealed over time.
I love the idea that we will learn about each other over time like this. It's a
wonderful thought. Especially since nobody I have ever know has ever wanted to
know me this way.
~
11:48a - He's going away
I spent yesterday working my heart out. I don't mind at all. I love to have
something to keep my mind off things. Although being a jack for dad can be a
little demeaning. I still like to be useful since I am the only one who can lift
the tractor.
So Lex is going away for the weekend, which totally sucks since I was going to
ask if we could do something real romantic. I invited him to come by the Talon
today and asked him to dress down. In his LJ he just posted that he will wear
jeans! I have never seen him in anything else but dress clothes, not that he
doesn't look hot in those. I love how he looks no matter what he wears.
I also love how he writes about wanting to touch me and be close to me and do
things to me. I think when I get up the nerve I will ask what some of those
things are. He replied to my comment with this
With my angel, I trust him implicitly. I know that in some ways he is a
more private person than one would suspect at first. I don't need him to tell me
everything. I was just...caught up in my father's game, and not seeing things
from the right perspective. My angel and I, that's what matters.
It makes me feel so much better knowing that he doesn't mind me not telling him
everything.
I mean I could just see it 'by the way Lex I'm from outer space. Hope you don't
mind.'
My stomach just flipped even writing that, and not in a good way.
Even though thinking about this let alone writing about it terrifies me, it
feels good to be able to get things off my chest.
~
10:36p - Caught in the act
Well, now I know what
being caught making out feels like. Today Lex stopped by the Talon dressed down
in what was probably a very expensive pair of jeans. They looked amazing on him.
I wasn't alone of course since I was there to help Lana and Chloe, whose arm is
healing nicely, with more of the heavy work.
I wanted to show him how much we've already done since he gave her the green
light. He seemed impressed. When I was sure we were alone, I pulled him aside
and started a make out session. I felt just like at my parents; my heart was
pounding and my body tingled all over. It was amazing.
Lex got his legs around my waist and had his hands in my hair when we heard a
crashing behind us. I almost dropped him when I realized that somebody else was
in the room with us. I turned around with Lex sort of behind me, to find that
Chloe
has walked in on us.
It seems so funny now but when I was there it was mortifying. I had no idea what
to do or say. Lex did. I followed him out to the main area where Chloe and Lana were
obviously talking about us. I didn't really say much except to confirm that Lex
and I are officially dating. Chloe seemed angry though I'm really not sure why.
Some times I can't figure her out.
After a few words were exchanged, Lex and I left.
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