It's been a few days.
I haven't been up to much except chores, school work and staying up in the loft. Chloe is looking really ragged. I
asked a few times about how Lana was doing. Chloe said she's doing fine and has yet to ask for me. I wasn't asking Chloe if Lana wanted to
see me, but she knows that was what I wanted to ask. I miss her. I miss my friend. I wish there was some way I could make things up to her.
I don't want her to hate me forever, but right now it feels like she will.
Mom has been really cool. I wanted to tell her so badly about what happened the other day with Mr. Big, but I just couldn't. I look into her
eyes and see that she's already got enough to worry about. I never want to add more worry to that load. I want her to think that everything
is cool with me. I keep telling her I'm fine. I'm nowhere near fine.
I miss Lex so much. I stare at the ring he gave me and I think about the night he gave it to me. I think about all the things we've been
through together and how much I care about him -- how much I love him and wish that I could take him far away from all of this bullshit. I
want to do that. I want to travel far away. He said he'd take me to see the world. Maybe when he gets out we can do that.
I have to tell myself not to rush into that place and break him out. I fight it every single day. I got a call from Mr. Big a few days ago
reminding me of what we'd talked about. I was furious. I told him to eff off because I was keeping my end of the bargain. I know he'll never
keep his.
It's so frustrating. I want to scream as loud as I can and make sure the whole world hears my frustration. I think I'm going to see if mom
will make some hot chocolate. She baked really delicious smelling cookies today, and I didn't get a chance to have one yet. I better go make
sure those cookies know where my stomach is.
~
Finally!
Lionel stopped by my loft to speak to me. I was in the middle of doing something he can't ever see. I was using my
speed. Luckily I heard mom in the house telling Lionel I was in my loft. I wouldn't have normally paid attention to her voice except she
sounded panicked. She knew what I was doing, so I guess she freaked thinking Lionel would catch me, but he didn't. I slowed down to normal
human boring speed, which I hate, and he found me hammering away like a normal person. I knew he was right behind me the whole time but he
just stood there watching me. I had to pretend that I didn't hear him, since I had the radio on. He turned it off to get my attention.
At least I got to gross him out with my filthy, sweaty hands. He cringed as we shook hands. I probably should have put a shirt on. He
totally ogled my chest, but I pretended it never happened. I was too frustrated and pissed that he'd interrupted me. At least he wasn't
wearing those fucking cufflinks, which probably means he really doesn't have a clue about their significance.
He tried to make small talk, but I told him I didn't have all night. Luckily, he got to the point. He was there to let me know I could go
visit Lex 'at my earliest convenience.' Fucking prick! He hinted that I had better behave, or there would be hell to pay. He didn't say it
that way, but I knew what he meant. I pretended I didn't get it at all and just smiled and thanked him like he was gifting me with a million
dollars.
I am going tomorrow as soon as possible. I can't wait to see Lex. I keep running all kinds of conversations in my head of what I'm going to
say. I just hope I can at least touch him or even kiss him. I have no clue what it will be like, but I'm hoping it will be something
private.
I made sure to escort Lionel to his big fancy car and watched as he drove away. Once he was gone, I finished up what I was doing and rushed
into the house to shower and change. I was supposed to go over to see Pete, but I really wasn't in the mood. He's been getting on my case
about my over-preoccupation with Lex. He thinks it's unhealthy that I talk about him so much. I should probably just tell him why I talk
about Lex so much.
The first thing I am telling Lex is how sorry I am that I ran and left him for those doctors to take away. I know he told me to run, but I
have felt so guilty about what happened. I should have stayed. I should have taken Lex with me or something.
I can't wait to see him tomorrow. I am so anxious now. Just one more day and we can finally talk again.
~
How could it get much worse?
It did. Lex tried to escape from that place last night. He hurt two guards in the process. Lionel called this morning
to inform me that my visit with Lex yesterday agitated his son to the point that he attempted something foolish. Lionel told me that I'm not
allowed to see Lex again, and that I have to stay away from him. He totally blamed me for everything and said Lex's relapse is on my head.
He was shouting at me over the phone. I don't think I've ever heard Lionel so angry.
I talked to my parents this morning and told them what happened yesterday. Dad was not happy at all. He kept going on about how Lex can't be
trusted and that maybe he'd do or say anything to get out of that place. I was so furious at him. How can he say that? Lex has been
completely loyal to me and he's never told a single person my secret. He's even tried to protect me from others finding out, including
Lionel. I'm getting so tired of hearing Dad talk this way. He told me again to stay out of it, and he told me that I better not try anything
foolish. Then he just kissed my mom and went back to work like nothing was wrong.
How can he be so casual about everything that's happened? He knows how important Lex is to me, and he acts like this is all nothing and that
it's none of my business. I am so angry right now. First I get that call from Lionel, a call my mom answered so my parents were both there
to hear it all, then Dad chews me out.
After dad went outside to do work, I talked to Mom. She tried to make me feel better, but nothing will make it better. I feel so helpless.
Why couldn't Lex have let me take him away? Why did I have to listen to him? I shouldn't have run. I should have stayed, and then maybe none
of this would have happened.
I can't do work right now. I can't concentrate on anything. All I can think about is Lex and the last thing he said to me. He told me to get
away from him and not come back. Now he's in that place, hurt and alone. Even if you guys are right and Lex said it to protect me, it still
doesn't hurt any less to hear those words coming from him.
Maybe Lex is right. Maybe it's better if I stay away. I keep failing the people I love the most. I've failed Lex so many times. I should
have expected that he'd eventually want me out of his life.
~
NO!
This can't be happening. Lionel is a monster. He couldn't do this to Lex. He just couldn't. What am I supposed to do? I
can't just sit back and watch this happen.
Lionel has ordered Lex's doctor to use electroshock therapy on Lex! I've been at the Torch all night trying to find a way to get Lex out of
that place. I stumbled (don't ask) on information about Lex's doctor. She's controlled by Lionel. I can't believe he'd do this to Lex.
There's no way I am going to sit back and just let this happen. I thought if I listened to my parents and Lionel that eventually things
would be okay. I never once thought Lionel would go this far. Fuck!
What am I going to do? I have to stop that doctor from doing this.
~
Thank you!!
It worked. Chloe and I went to talk to Lex's doctor and she said she'll stop the procedure from happening. Lex is safe.
God! I am so glad. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about what could happen to him if Lionel's plan worked.
In other news, Lana is home from the hospital. Chloe told me I should go see her, but I have no intention of breaking my promise to her. I
can just hear from Chloe how things are going. She said it's been hard, but I know Lana is a strong person.
~
06:15 pm
What the heck!?
Lex's LJ was deleted! There's no way he'd do that. I know he would never do that. It must be Lionel. This is not a good
sign.
Chloe just came in to tell me that Lex's doctor is dead. Fuck!
~
11:08 pm
I was there
I had Lex in my arms. We kissed and it was like nothing I've ever felt before. Then it all went to hell, and I was too
late to save him. I was too late to save Lex. I didn't make it in time. I almost did. I had him and we were going to run, but then Ian and
Eric showed and they had a meteor rock and they beat the crap out of me and then they electrocuted me and took my powers and I had to fight
for my life. While I was fighting them off, Lex was... I can't even type it.
It's over. I failed him. Lionel did it. He fucking hurt Lex. I am going to make him pay. He's going to fucking pay for what he did. Somehow
I don't know how, Lionel is going to pay.
~
This is how it is
I went over to the mansion last night, but security told me that nobody was allowed to see Lex per his father's orders.
I didn't sleep last night at all. Then today after all the fucking chores dad had me do, I went over to the mansion and managed to see Lex
for all of ten minutes before his father came in and practically ran me out of the mansion.
Lex seemed okay. He was smiling and he looked gorgeous. His eyes sparkled, but there was something missing. He hugged me and called me Kal.
He told me that he doesn't really remember much. When I asked him how much, he said that almost all of his memories from the last three
years of living at the mansion are just gone. For some reason, he remembers last summer when we lived together, but I guess our other
memories are just gone. I wonder if he remembers how we met. I'm almost afraid to ask.
I barely had a chance to hold Lex in my arms. I almost started to cry when Lex thanked me for standing by him through his ordeal, even if he
doesn't remember anything I did to help him. He said his father told him I was a good friend. A good friend!
It took everything in me not to scream out what that monster had done to him. I see it in my head every time I close my eyes. I see Lex
strapped to that table...
Lex's father chased me out. He told Lex that he needed to get his rest, and then showed me the door. His father made it pretty much very
clear that he will hurt Lex worse if I so much as breathe a word of what happened. He told me to be the good stupid boy I pretend to be and
everything would be okay. Then he told me not to come around for a few days as Lex needed time to recover.
There wasn't anything else I could do but leave.
At least it was nice to see Lex, even if it was under such circumstances. I just wish I'd done more to help him.
When I got home, I tried to tell my parents what had happened, but they just didn't get it. They didn't get it at all. They were very
sympathetic and I tried so hard not to cry, but I kept seeing that smile on Lex's face. He looked so trusting and so happy to see me and I
failed him. I failed him so badly. He's never going to be the same again because I failed him.
Mom actually suggested I go to Lana's welcome home party at the Talon. I couldn't even stomach the idea of going. She's just another person
I failed to keep safe. I don't need that reminder right now.
I just need Lex to be Lex again.
~
I ran into Lex
I had to go into town with Dad today to get some supplies, and Lex was there. He was standing in front of the Talon
staring at it. I told Dad I'd find my own way home and rushed off to talk to Lex. I checked to make sure Lana wasn't around, and then we
went in to have a coffee and talk. Lex doesn't remember the Talon or how he paid to have it refurbished into a coffee house. He hoped that
driving around would jog his memory.
The coffee was nice. It was weird because he wasn't being his usual flirty self and at first that threw me off. I almost don't know how to
act around him. I'm afraid I'll inadvertently say something wrong. Not sure what I could say that would be wrong, but you never know. I
don't want to risk it.
Then Chloe and Lana showed up. That was totally awkward. I almost left as soon as they walked in the door. Lana has a cane and walks with a
really bad limp. I could barely look at her. They only stopped by our table long enough to say hello and then went to sit. Lana looks so
tired. Chloe looks worried. I had better talk to her later. I should call just to see how she's holding up. I'm sure she could use a friend.
I haven't told them yet about Lex's memory loss. I had better so they won't freak when they talk to him, and he doesn't remember what
they're talking about.
After the coffee, where not much was really accomplished except that we sat together and talked (it was almost like before we were dating),
Lex drove me home. We passed the bridge, the one where Lex and I met. Lex doesn't remember that day at all. I told him what happened, but he
said it didn't spark a memory.
He called me Kal when we were alone. The drive was mostly quiet, and when he dropped me off, I kissed him, and he kissed me back and told me
he wanted to take things slow. He wants to try to see if he can remember anything, so he asked me to give him time. I hope so. I can't just
keep telling him everything we've been through. How am I going to do that? I mean, I remember every single moment we've had together. I can
play any one of them in my head whenever I want, but I can't record those onto something. I wish I could.
Looks like I'll be jerking off a lot. Maybe that sounds selfish, but fuck it -- I miss Lex so much and this can't be happening to us. It
just can't.
I went back and locked all my other posts so he couldn't read them. I don't want to freak him out. I have to figure out how to handle this,
but first I have to do homework, then chores, and then eat some cookies. Mom said she would bake me some.
~
My day
I think Lex has forgotten my secret. I know he said his memory is full of holes, but how could he forget that? He
remembers the summer when I was Kal, but for some reason he forgot why I can do the things I do. I think he's forgotten that I'm an alien!
I spent my lunchtime trying to pick out something to get Lex for Valentine's Day. I ended up getting him a card, because I wasn't sure that
anything else would be appropriate. I stopped by the mansion after school to give it to him. He seemed to like it. He thanked me and kissed
me and it was soooooooooo good. I miss him so much. We played a game of pool and talked. It was nice, but not what I wanted for this day.
At least we kissed. Now I have homework and studying to do. I have a test tomorrow.
~
I'm pretty sure now
...that Lex has forgotten that I'm an alien. I haven't seen him for a few days. He hasn't called or anything. I'm
giving him space. I'm being good and not rushing over there and demanding sex, which is what I want to do. I miss him so much. I'm
constantly thinking about how things were before all this insanity happened. I think about the mistakes I made and how if I hadn't run maybe
none of this would have happened.
I talked to Mom and Dad last night about my suspicion that Lex has forgotten my secret. The first thing out of Dad's mouth was a great big
sigh of relief. He said I should just leave it alone. He thinks that the best thing to do is not push things. We had a big long talk about
it at dinner. I was too tired to disagree and maybe Dad is right. Lex asked me to give him time. I don't want to say or do something that's
going to upset him, or confuse him or make thing worse, so for now, I'm going to give Lex whatever he needs to get through all this.
I just wish... but I guess wishing isn't going to get me anywhere.
~
I am so furious right now
It seems like I'm either numb or angry these days. I walk through the halls at school barely aware of where I am or
what I've done. I ran into this guy the other day because I wasn't paying attention. I think I bruised his ribs. He was in pain even if he
pretended he was fine. Sure, Grant, I'm made out of metal. Yup that's me -- freak boy from another planet who probably could have crushed
you if he tripped and fell on you.
Tonight I'm just sitting here listening to music. It's Coldplay for me. Perfect for how I'm feeling. Like crap. Like I have no control over
anything at all in my life. Like I want to just explode or scream or even fly again. I almost did. I wanted to just fly away and never come
back, but that would be running from my life and I can't do that. I can't leave Lex here alone.
Lex who does not remember most of the things we've done together. He doesn't remember how we met! BANG! He smashed into me and then I was
kissing him and he stole my heart and that was that. I was his forever. I can close my eyes and think about his lips on my lips. I think
about how sometimes when he kisses me he grabs my hair and other times he caresses me gently. I think about how soft his head feels under my
fingertips. I think about how delicate and beautiful and gorgeous and vulnerable he can be but only when he's with me.
I want to go over there right now and tell him I love him. I just called and left a message, letting him know that I love him.
Want to smash things. Clark smashes! Clark smashes Lionel!!! I wish, but then that would be bad. My Dad would probably do worse than ground
me, or maybe not. Maybe he'd raise my allowance. He'd probably say something like 'Son, now that wasn't very nice. You should at least bury
Mr. Luthor.'
Now that I got that out of my system it's time for pie! Lots of pie.
AHHHHHH!!! He forgot I'm an alien! How could he forget that?
~
The past few days
Everything has just been so frustrating lately. I'm trying really hard to be patient, but sometimes it gets to be too
much and I want to explode. And for me explode = obliteration.
School has been so much fun! NOT! I mostly just do my work and get out of there as fast as possible. Pete's been kind of on my back. I know
he's worried and he means well, but I wish that when I tell him to back off, he'd actually back off.
I ran into Lana for the first time yesterday. It was uncomfortable to say the least. She seemed okay. She said she's still in physical
therapy. She's walking with a cane. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but I'm pretty sure she'd tell me to stop
talking. At least we exchanged pleasantries. I miss her friendship.
Chloe's in a crabby mood today. Must be because I didn't finish the article I promised to finish for the Torch. I'll have to get to that
some time today.
I wish Lex would call. I really miss him.
~
I slept
Last night Lex called me. He sounded so out of it I rushed over there to be with him. He was drunk, and when I got
there he was flushing pills down the toilet. He was a mess, and he asked me questions that I answered with lies. He asked me why I can do
the things I do and about the car crash. I lied. I made up something stupid. I felt horrible the second the words left my mouth, but I
wasn't sure what to say, so I did what I always do. I did what I've grown up learning to do in order to hide the truth, a truth that Lex
knew before that bastard fried his brains. I lied, and it was such a pathetic lie. I know Lex knows it was a lie, and yet I still did it.
Then he tried to get me to drink with him, but I turned him down. I almost pointed out that I'm not legal to drink, even if the alcohol
would have had no effect on me. I was pretty sure that he didn't care if I was legal.
He kept urging me on even after I turned him down, and I started to realize he wanted me to take charge. Then I kissed him and I asked if he
wanted me to be Kal. He said yes, so I was Kal. I was so tempted to rush out of the room to find a red Kryptonite rock, but I was too horny
to leave him. It was so fucking nice to just let go and forget about all our problems. It was even nicer to rush us up to his bedroom, throw
him on the bed and rip all of our clothes off. I stared into his eyes as we fucked, and all I kept thinking was that I was going to fuck him
into unconsciousness. I wanted to fuck him really hard, I was so horny. I guess I didn't need the rock this time. I fucked him until I came,
which wasn't long because I was so fucking horny. It had been so long. I told him he was mine, and that no one else could have him but me
and that I'd take care of him.
Then he asked me to suck him off, and I did it gladly. It felt so amazing to have his cock in my mouth and feel the weight on my tongue. His
taste almost sent me into another orgasm. He screamed Kal when he climaxed.
We passed out after that, and when I woke up again a few hours later, I was hard a fucking rock. I fucked him again without asking and he
didn't seem to mind. He was pretty happy to lie on his back for me.
I had to borrow a t-shirt from Lex since I totally shredded the shirt I wore to his place. I got a really weird vibe from him when I was
saying goodbye. When I told him that I love him, he didn't say it back, not that I expected him to say it back. He doesn't even remember
falling in love with me. He doesn't remember me, Clark Kent. He remembers Kal, the guy he spent a summer with. He remembers the guy who
chained him to a bed and treated him like property.
It must be totally freaking him out. I tried not to think about it all day today, but it was on my mind constantly. I feel so guilty about
lying to him, but what do I say? Do I just tell him "Hey, Lex. I'm an alien and you already know about that and you're totally cool with
it"?
I should wait until he's regained some of his memory. That could happen.
For now, I'm going to close my eyes and jerk off to the fantasy that Lex is my bitch and I'm fucking him into the mattress. I am so horny
after writing this post. Fuck, I am so hard!
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