Monday, February 2nd, 2004
12:08a - Yuck!
I spent most of today over
at the coffee shop helping Lana move some heavy things. Lana asked me to help clear
some of the junk in this apartment on the second floor. She wants to surprise
Chloe. I think it's cute that Lana is making a love nest for them.
Chloe showed up late in the afternoon so I had to stop clearing out the room and
come down. Lana just made up something about a utility closet. Chloe gave me only one
suspicious look and then things seemed fine.
Lana spent most of the time making sure Chloe didn't do anything at all, since her
arm is still healing, which was fine since I had no trouble doing the work. They
are really cute together. Of course seeing them together only reminded me that
Lex is out of town. I really miss him. He's been gone too long. I want him back.
Okay, so I am pouting. So he's only been gone for a few days. Lana kind of noticed
that I was all 'mopey' as she put it. This is the first time I've ever dated so
I had no idea how I would feel about him being gone. I have to get used to it
since he is a business man, but it still sucks.
I'm in a crummy mood tonight for more reasons than that. When I tried to call my
friend Pete, he totally brushed me off and made up what I knew was a lame excuse
for not wanting to hang out.
Way worse is the fact that dad is in a bad mood, too. My dad has a little bit of
a temper and sometimes he flies off the handle easy. He'd never taken it out on
us, but for some reason he is not in a happy place right now. When I asked what
was up and if I could help he just told me it was none of my concern. I can wait
for him to talk to me so I don't mind if he brushes me off. I just hope he and
mom didn't have a fight. Mom's not talking so I have no idea.
~
12:10a - Another day in small town
I went straight to the
Talon after class today since I promised Lana I would help her some more. I
dragged Pete along so that we could at least spend some time together. He rushed
off as soon as he could. I haven't asked him yet what's wrong. I'm hoping he'll
tell me in time.
Mom did the deliveries today since Lana needed me. Not much really happening to
me. School, work, chores etc.
It's strange. I can't remember ever missing somebody as much as I miss Lex. When
he went away at Christmas I missed him but that was different, back then he
wasn't my boyfriend. It's so cool to call him that. Every time I type it I get
this thrill.
I think when he gets back I'll invite him over to just hang out, or do something
nice. I'm not sure what. It's too cold to do stargazing but maybe we could do
something else. I'll have to think something up.
He said he'd be back some time tomorrow. This time I didn't call him every day
since our situation is way different. I have some homework to do before I get to
bed.
Ooh but cherry pie for dessert. So that's good.
~
12:08a - Love and the truth
He told me he's in love with me. IN love: not just loves me but is in love with
me. Me, a poor nobody from nowhere. I can't even verbalize how this makes me
feel. I'm at a loss.
I told him I'm pretty sure I feel the same way. I just don't know how to tell. I
had a crush on Lana all while growing up. That was one-sided. I never knew what it
was like to have somebody return the feelings. It's so different. I feel
overwhelmed. I tried to tell him what knowing him means to me. I hear his name
and my heart speeds up. I see him and I want the rest of the world to go away so
I can hold him in my arms.
I went to Metropolis earlier in the day to talk to Mr. K about last Wednesday. I
wasn't sure what I was going to say to him, but I had to do something. It's been
bothering me all week. We had a nice talk and then went for a coffee. He's a
really nice guy. I found out his dad died when he was young. We talked about Lex
and the relationship he has with his father. No matter how hard I try I just
don't get it.
I got up the nerve to ask if he likes guys and he said yes. Then I asked what
sex was like with a guy. It was so stupid. I wish I hadn't asked. I excused
myself after that. He dropped me off the bus stop and I checked my cell to see
if anybody had called. That was when I saw the call from Lex.
I told Lex what I did and he seemed not so much upset as saddened. He told me he
wishes I would believe him over Mr. K. I mean Mr. K has told me he didn't set me
up. Lex thinks otherwise. I don't know what to think. I'm confused. I know Mr. K
works for Lex's dad and for Lex this makes him untrustworthy. But everything in
me tells me Mr. K is trustworthy.
I think I did something wrong tonight. I asked Lex if he wants me to stop
talking to Mr. K. He said it wasn't that. I don't know what it was. I asked if
it was jealousy but he said no. I felt so clueless. I felt lost and way out of
my league.
What if he sends me away because of that? He could decide it's not worth it;
that I'm not worth it.
~
10:53a - wondering
Maybe I shouldn't have asked Mr. K to talk to Mr. Big about Lex. I look back and
I can't even believe I did it. I asked if he could maybe talk to Lex's dad about
not being so mean to his son.
Lex is right. I am so naive. I just have all this hope that people will always
make the right choice that they are, deep down inside, really not mean and
hurtful.
I like to always believe the best in people.
Is it naive of me to think that maybe he might listen?
I really need help with this one. I feel so out of my league and so out of my
depth. And scared.
~
12:52a - I'm going on a trip
This has been a hard day. At least emotionally it has for me. I don't really
know how to take this. Bruce called mom today. He asked her if it would be all
right for me to go to his hometown with Lex. Somehow he managed to convince mom
that it's a good idea. Of course she just spent the last hour drilling the rules
into my head.
She also called Lex and talked to him about the rules. Which aren't bad, just
standard things like: in bed by midnight, call every day, no alcohol, and if I
am going to stay out late, I have to call her to let her know why. That's not
too bad. I'm still in shock that she's letting me go at all. She even got dad to
agree. She said we can trust Bruce and it would be good for me to get away and go
somewhere else.
I wonder if Lex is really going to take me to museums and stuff like he told my
mom. That wouldn't be too bad I guess.
I haven't answered the comments but I promise I will. Thank you for the advice.
It was very good advice. I did the deliveries today and walked into Lex's office
while he was on the phone with Mr. K. They were talking about me. I can't
believe Mr. K actually told Lex about what I asked him to do. I was going to
tell Lex about it today, but Mr. K beat me to it. I felt so out of my depth,
like I said, but I understand now what Lex was trying to say. I get that he
knows what he's dealing with when it comes to his dad. He doesn't want me stuck
in the middle of something.
I want to do something to make things easier for Lex. I want him to be happy. I
wish I could. I just feel so helpless in this. It really annoys me when I tell
him how special he is to me and he puts himself down. He acts like he's not
worth it. He's the one with everything to offer. He could have anybody, anything
but he wants me. That's at once exhilarating and terrifying.
I guess Mr. K is stuck in the middle of something. I mean he's right there in
the lion's den . . . My dad really doesn't like Lex's dad. I've never really
been able to get it out of him why. He just says things about the plant
poisoning the water and soil and then changes the subject.
So suddenly I am going to a big city for the week end, and things between Lex
and me seem different. I understand something about him that I didn't before. My
head hurts. This is so much to take in all at once.
My dad kept staring at me over dinner. He didn't say anything but . . . anyway,
I just left it alone. If he wants to say something to me, he will.
~
11:17p - Not much happened in this neck of the woods.
But the weirdest thing
happened today. I was in the school parking lot and I saw Mr. K. When I waved
him down he looked at me and drove off without stopping. I could have sworn he
saw me, but I guess he didn't because if he had he would have stopped to say hi.
I tried to call him but his phone went straight to voice mail. I didn't want to
leave a message since what I wanted to say can't be said in a message. I was
hoping I could ask him to forget about talking to Mr. Big, but I guess it's too
late. He might have already told him by now.
Pete brushed me off to hang out with the football crowd. I was so thrown by it I
didn't say anything. I just walked away.
Everybody seems to be so busy lately. I know Lana has been busy dealing with the
contractors and Chloe seems busy with the paper. Not really a surprise there.
Dad and mom have been quiet and dad gave me extra work today. At one point he
stopped and asked me about Lex. He asked where we'd be staying in the city when
we went away. I told him it was fine since Mr. W would be there. I don't think
dad suspects anything. I don't even think he could even conceive of it. My dad
doesn't think that way.
~
8:53p - Flying is not as bad as I thought it would be
The plane ride was brief
thank goodness. Lex told me why we're going. He's worried about Bruce. Something is
wrong. He just wanted me to be alert but I think I would like to help out see if
maybe he'll talk to me. He's a nice guy and I want to whatever I can.
Mom saw me off at home. Dad looked unhappy about it but he also told me to be
careful so I guess he's okay with it. She looked nervous but she packed my
suitcase so I guess she's totally okay with all this as well. I called her as
soon as I arrived at the estate. This place is huge and the room I was put in is
bigger than the barn. My bed is bigger than my room at home. On top of that the
room is attached to a bathroom and sitting room that I share with Lex. He's in
the shower right now. I am so trying not to peek. And it would be so
easy.
I unpacked and found something. Since my mom packed for me I didn't know what
she'd packed. She included condoms! I almost fell over. The thought that she
actually wants something to happen passed my mind for a second until I realized
that it doesn't necessarily have to mean that. When I talked to her on the phone
she said she doesn't want it to happen she just wants to know that I would be
safe in case it did happen. I told her it isn't going to happen. I am not in a
hurry to get there. She was very relieved.
I can't believe how tired I am. I don't usually get tired. I still have to
shower and change. My mom packed enough underwear for a week, a few pairs of
blue jeans, six t-shirts - 3 red, 2 white and 1 blue. She even remembered my
favorite blue flannel shirt. Plus socks for a week, all white except one pair of
light brown. She even packed a pair of dark blue dress pants, a nice light blue
dress shirt, my brown jacket and a tie. She thought of everything. I would have
just thrown some shirts and stuff in the suitcase. I remembered my laptop
though. That way I can still post and do homework.
~
10:20p - Mom left a note with the condoms.
I keep it in my pants pockets to remind me that she has put a lot of trust in
me. Lex is so hot. He's more relaxed than I have ever seen him.
Mom's note -
"I don't think you're ready, but if you think you are, I want you to be
safe. Dad doesn't know."
I passed out last night while we watched some TV. I found out today that he
watched me sleep. I hope I didn't drool or something.
The day was so great but that was not the best thing that happened. The best
thing that happened was Lex said I LOVE YOU. Not that other thing he
says. That is cool too, but I LOVE YOU.
We went to Bruce's closet to find something for me to wear for tomorrow (we're
going to see a Shakespeare play so I need something nice to wear). I waited all
day to touch him. I leaned in, from behind, while he was trying to tell me what
a gentleman should wear to the theatre and just smelled him without touching
him. Then he leaned back into me. It was so amazingly hot. Just that one touch
turned me on.
We started to make out right there in the closet and then something hit me. My
mom knows. She knows about Lex and me. Okay so I'm slow. She packed condoms with
that nice note. I showed the note to Lex. And told him I am not ready for
something more. He understood and when I looked into his eyes and saw
understanding and love I pulled him into a hug and I didn't want to let go. I
wanted that moment to last forever.
I called mom and told her about my day. I told her that I am not ready to have
sex just yet. She said she was relieved to hear that again. I didn't tell her
about me dating Lex. I think that is something I should tell her in person.
This city is way different than I thought it would be. It was a gray day so
maybe that had something to do with it. We did so much. First Lex took me around
town and then we met Bruce for lunch at this nice diner. We went to a museum after
and had dinner in
Chinatown. It was
very interesting since all of it was new to me. I didn't really like this sauce
that we had but I pretended I did. I don't like to be rude.
Tomorrow we're going to see a matinee of A Midsummer Night's Dream. I asked for
a copy of the play. I'm going to read it tonight. That way I have some idea
about what to expect. I've only ever seen plays in school.
Lex went off to talk to our host. I think maybe I'll take a look around this
place. It's so big and Bruce said I could go anywhere I want. He told me there are
rooms full of books. I think I'll head to the kitchen and check it out. Maybe
after I read this play I can find something cool to read.
~
11:58p - We all have secrets
I just ran into Bruce and Lex in the hallway on my way back from snooping and
getting a drink. before that I looked around this place. It's huge. I got lost
and had to use my x-ray vision to find my way. There are these weird caves under
the manor. I have no idea what that's about.
I did see this real cool car though. I wonder if Bruce would let me drive it.
I know I interrupted something. I didn't mean to since Lex had told me he needed
to find out what was bothering Bruce. I told Lex I needed to get something from
the kitchen and followed Bruce to see if I could help Lex figure out what was
wrong. I thought maybe Bruce would talk to me. He didn't really talk much except
to say he has a secret and that I would understand. I just told him that if he
needed my special abilities for anything I would help him. He said he would come
to me if there was something he thought I could do.
Lex is asleep in his room now, I guess. I can't sleep. I feel so jumpy and
restless. I wish I could go to him but I just told him earlier that I'm not
ready for sex. Which is true. I just want cuddles.
I'm worried about Lex. I know he's concerned about Bruce but how do I tell Lex
to stop prying without raising his suspicions?
All these secrets. I wish I could just march into Lex's room right now and just
tell him. I wish I was brave enough. I know I'm not. I just can't lose him, not
now. Not when I finally have him. I'll tell him eventually. Maybe.
I had a nightmare about this. In it Lex found out and he hated me and told me he
would never let me rest until the world knew about me.
This totally sucks.
~
9:22a - Homesick
I just called mom to let her know everything is cool. Actually I just wanted to
hear her voice. I miss her and dad. I miss waking up early and doing chores,
which is dumb since I've only been gone a day. I told her about us going to see
A Midsummer Night's Dream today. I didn't finish the book. It was kind of boring
and I fell asleep. I'll finish it before breakfast.
I had a nightmare again last night. In it I was looking for Lex and when I found
him he gave me this disgusted look and told me that I am a freak and that he
would destroy me for being different. I've been having this dream for a while
now. It usually ends with him walking away from me and when I try to explain he
screams that nothing I say will change his mind.
I think I hear some sounds in the bathroom. I used it a half hour ago and just
looked in on Lex to see if he was awake. He wasn't. I wanted so badly to go into
his room but that dream stopped me. I know it's just a dream but it scared me.
I'm hungry so I'm off to the kitchen. Ooh I totally forgot. Bruce has this guy who
does everything for him. He's kind of creepy and I try to stay away from him.
It's weird when somebody calls you "master". I almost laughed out loud, but I
managed to be polite. I hope he's not up already. I am sure I can make something
to eat on my own.
Bruce has a lot of pain deep inside. I wish there was something I could do for him.
It's really painful to watch a friend hurting.
~
12:44a - Home now
I got home a while ago. When I got in the door I thought mom was very calm about
it. She held back and asked how things went. Then she told me to sit and have
some apple pie, which I gladly did.
Mom said Lana called and asked her to tell me to call no matter how late I got in.
She had a collapse on Friday! I'm really worried about her now. I didn't even
realize something was wrong. She had Chloe with her to help her through. I told her
about what my mom did with the condom. I never even took them out of my
suitcase. They're in my dresser now.
After I unpacked I went down to eat and now I'm just relaxing and looking at my
f-list. I didn't really have a chance while I was away.
The play wasn't too bad. I had no idea what was going on. I think I'll read it
again or something. Maybe I can rent a movie version of it. I wonder if Keanu
was ever in one.
The rest of the weekend was great. We went to see the play then had an early
dinner. Bruce was really cool; a very gracious host. I hope I was polite enough.
So I went away and had a cool time. Now I feel weird. I'm not sure what it is. I
feel off.
For one thing, I don't want to sleep and have that nightmare again. I hate it. I
hate that I even have it at all. I've never felt so frustrated about anything
before.
Oh and Lex is a hottie. I woke him up this morning with kisses on his neck. At
first he freaked a bit but then when I said "hi" he relaxed. It was nice and
peaceful and simple. I wished it could always be that way. I know it can't but I
still wish it. (btw- thanks Mark for making the suggestion. He really liked it!)
My mom is still up. I can hear her moving around. I think I'm going to go talk
to her. She needs some reassurance that I wasn't corrupted while I went away.
Mom is fine. We had a long talk. She's so cool. I am so happy that they found me
on that day. She felt better once I told her I wasn't in any hurry to get
some. I made her smile when I said it that way. But then she got that
worried mom look in her eyes. I took a deep breath and told her the honest
truth. I told her I had plenty of opportunity but that I know in my heart I am
not ready.
Besides, I am so terrified of the idea right now, that I don't even want to
think about it.
That was TMI but I still needed to say it.
~
1:04p - I just had the greatest talk with Chloe
I ran into Chloe on my way to
the torch office and when I saw her I had to grab her and drag her into the
office so I could blurt out what Lex said to me on the weekend. I told her he
had said that he loves me. I almost hyperventilated when I realized I can tell
somebody and she was more than willing to listen to every word. And she wouldn't
judge me.
She was very excited for me. I am so happy right now.
Lex loves me.
On another weird note, when I tried to talk to Pete at lunch, he brushed me off
and said he needed to go do something. I asked him if he wanted to do something
later after I finished deliveries. He said he was playing basketball with the
guys. He walked off and joined a group of guys in the cafeteria. They were the
guys that strung me up. Even Whitney was with them.
At least Whitney nodded a hello. Maybe it was me but it seemed like he waited
until his friends couldn't see that, like he doesn't want them to know that he's
on speaking terms with me. I guess it's cool that Pete is hanging with other guys.
But does it have to be those guys?
~
12:41a - Come as you are
After school today I went
home to find that mom was sorting through old pictures. She was looking at
pictures of me from when I was young. When I asked her if everything was okay,
she got all misty and gave me this look. Then she said that she was just being
silly and that she's proud of me.
I took one of the pictures of me from when I was nine to show to Lex. He liked
it. That wasn't the best part. When I went over we did stuff: fully clothed
stuff. It was so cool. It took almost no time for me since I felt too weird
taking care of it when I was away.
We even cuddled afterwards. I accidentally blurted out that I thought he was
cute. Which I guess I shouldn't have done but then he told me he liked that I
thought he was cute and hot. Oh yes, I told him he's hot, too; especially
straddling me. I gladly endured sticky jeans to be close to him and have him
look at me that way and kiss me that way.
When I got home I was glad to find my parents out in the barn fixing the
tractor. That way I could change. Dinner was quiet. When I offered to help mom
with the dishes she just told me to go do my homework. I have a feeling she's
struggling with something but she won't tell me what. I wish she would. It makes
me kind of nervous.
I'm feeling so relaxed and tired. I think I will turn in now.
~
12:49a - Going away on a strange day
I didn't do much today. I was late for the bus then after school I helped Lana
clean that love shack room out some more. She is happy about this coming week
end since it is Valentine's Day. I'm not that thrilled. It's always been one of
those days I ignore, but the school is actually having a dance this Friday. I
obviously can't bring Lex. I couldn't even imagine him there for one thing. For
another thing the fact that we are both guys and I am still under sixteen
wouldn't go over well.
After dinner my dad made me shovel out the barn. I hate that job. It stinks
literally.
Man my life is boring sometimes.
I need to call Lex.
AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!! -
Some days I just wish. Actually all days I wish.
I'm getting Lex a card for Valentines Day. It's all I can afford. I just hope he
doesn't get me anything. I don't want anything except to spend some time with
him. I hope he doesn't get me anything.
Then there's the dance. I hate those things. I always sit them out. For one
thing I don't know how to dance and even if I did, I would probably break my
partner's toes from stepping on them all the time. I guess I'm not much into all
those things like dancing, and plays. All that stuff rich people do.
I'm going to call him now.
I called him. He seemed weird. I asked him to be my valentine. It felt
weird: not bad weird just weird. I can't even say what was weird about it. I
told him if I could take anybody to the dance it would be him. But again I just
couldn't picture it. He implied that he's dressed in drag before. Something I
could definitely not picture. My personal preference is to have him as he is.
Not that I have anything against guys who dress like girls. I just want Lex to
be a guy not a girl.
He suggested I ask Lana or Chloe as a friend. I don't know. I really don't like
dances. I have never actually been to any of them. I don't know. I think I'll
just stay home. He said we could do something on Saturday. I had to hang up
since dad interrupted to remind me it was time to get to bed.
I better get to bed.
~
2:01p - Okay
So I was kidding about the drag thing. I really don't want to see Lex in drag.
The thought is totally not appealing. It turns out he's dressed up before. He
said on his journal that he's worn a dress.
I think I would look horrible in a dress even if I've been called pretty before.
I hope he doesn't take it seriously, but I don't want to say anything. He might
think I'm being uncool. I don't want him to think I'm totally clueless but I
guess compared to him I am.
I didn't realize that what dad did last night bothered Lex so much. I mean dad
was just reminding me to get to bed. I wouldn't have expected him to talk to
Lex. Sudden I feel stuck as to how to handle that.
I wonder how dad would feel if he knew what I wanted Lex to do to me. I wonder
if he'd hate me.
~
12:14a - ????
Dad asked me to be out on
Saturday. I guess he wants to do something with mom. I told him I think I could
find something to do. I didn't tell him it's with Lex. I will ask mom tomorrow
about that. I can't say anything about Saturday but he said stuff about how he
used to do romantic things for her before they got married. I stopped him before
he got into TMI territory.
I think it's great that they are still that way, but I really didn't need to
know about it. At least I can miss that. On a happy note, it means I can go to
the mansion.
~
9:23a - Why is my life a big pain?
I am not having a great
day. On top of that my best friend won't talk to me. He walked away again when I
asked if we could hang later. I followed him anyways and tried to find out what
he was doing for the dance. He said he didn't have time to talk, and needed to
get to class. I'm going to bug him in gym class this afternoon.
I am dating somebody my dad doesn't like. Last night when I asked him why he
didn't say hi to Lex on the phone he just grunted and told me to go do my
chores.
Something is wrong. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I
hope so. I am going to ask him point blank tonight.
~
3:11p - Wishing things away never helps.
I want to be just a normal every day guy so I don't have to be afraid that one
day Lex will find out I'm an alien freak that landed in Kansas, killed a bunch
of people and burned his hair off.
The nightmares are almost every night now. I don't know what to do short of
telling him the truth, but at this point I would rather eat meteor rocks than do
that. I think about it until I want to crush something.
The other thing that got me on this train of thought was mom and dad. I see what
they have and I want it. I want the ease, the trust, the understanding, the
honesty, the support. Things I maybe can't give Lex. I can give him some of
them. I can give him my support and understanding, but I won't be able to give
him honesty. I try to give him as much as I can. I really do. Sometimes I sit on
the edge of his property and wonder how it would happen. How I could tell him
without him hating me forever. How he would react.
I know the dreams are just that, and I can't go by them but the fear is very
real. I've told him to his face that I did not get hit by the car. I told him
and made him feel bad for thinking it was more and that I am hiding something
from him. Just because I wasn't Super at the time doesn't make it right.
It's funny every once in a while I talk to my mom about this. About when I can
tell somebody I care about, about when I get into a very serious relationship
with another person. They will have to know that I can break them with the flick
of my wrist. It's the right thing to do. She never knows what to say.
Nothing but circles, it's all that ends up happening when I think about this. I
end up right where I started. I hate being an alien.
And I just broke my pencil. Shoot! I have to stop typing so fast. I can't forget
that I am a freak. If somebody sees? Maybe it won't matter. Maybe they won't
care. Maybe the sun will turn green.
~
11:38p - lost and found
Lex found my journal. He left a message to let me know. At first it totally freaked
me out. I couldn't believe it. But then I realized I have nothing to complain
about since I read his and didn't tell him.
I'll have to be careful about what I post from now on.
~
12:24a - Dancing in heaven
I chickened out and didn't
confront Pete and didn't ask dad what was bothering him. I just hate
confrontation.
I found Chloe in the torch office today upset. Her girlfriend is going to the dance
with Whitney. They have to for appearance sake. She pretended she was fine with
it but it upset her more than she let on so I'm taking Chloe to the dance as my
friend. We are going to have fun even though we can't take who we really want to
go with. I'm going to dress nice for it just because. Later, I want to show up
at the mansion unless somebody is busy tomorrow night . . .
Dad isn't acting weird anymore, although he kind of got all excited about what
he's got planned for mom on Valentine's Day. I told him I didn't want to know. I
also reassured him I had something else to do that night so I would be out of
his hair.
When I told him Chloe and I were going to the dance together he was happy for me
but didn't ask for details.
For half a second I entertained the idea of just telling him about Lex. That
would have been bad all around. But kind of interesting.
~
11:44p - Can I have this dance?
I have no idea why people
go to school dances. They aren't that exciting. Although it was very nice to
spend a few hours with Chloe. She was great and I had a wonderful time with her. We
even danced a dance together. This girl from my English class asked me to dance.
I was so shocked that I didn't have time to say no. I had no clue what to say to
her. She did ask me if Chloe and I are dating. I told her we aren't; that she's one
of my best friends. It was real nice of her to do that. I think she was just
being nice or something.
I stayed close to Chloe for most of the night. She slipped away for a while
probably to go to the bathroom, but other than that we were mostly always
together. Thank goodness since I felt a little awkward.
Even Whitney was nice to me.
I stayed until Chloe wanted to leave and she dropped me off at the mansion on the
way home.
When I arrived Lex was drinking wine and watching the Sopranos. I didn't have
too much time so we only sat and kissed and snuggled. I brought up the LJ thing.
I'm not mad that he knows. We decided not to friend each other and just leave it
at that. I told him that I found his a while back. He said he suspected that I
had. I feel so much better about this.
~
9:37a - My first valentine
I woke up so early this
morning because I was excited, plus I had chores to do before going over the
Talon to help Lana.
Last night was so nice and so comfortable. I had my doubts but not because Lex
isn't great. I only had myself to offer and a lame card with an even lamer poem
that I wrote inside. It was pretty bad.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can't write poetry
this card is for you
I know nothing about romance. Once when I was fourteen I sneaked one of mom's
romance novels up to my room. I wanted to see what it was about. I read the
whole book but I still didn't get it. Maybe Lex can teach me. :)
Anyway, Lex gets it. He had the room set up with pillows on the floor,
candlelight and pizza. I was so relieved to see that he hadn't spent too much
money on me. I don't want him to. Plus if he'd gotten me something dad would
have been mad. It would have been a hard thing to explain. Instead I got what I
really wanted: time with Lex alone.
He looked so beautiful in the candlelight. I can't describe how gorgeous he is.
He's got this way of carrying himself that exudes confidence that I would never
be able to pull off. I wish I could. His lips are the yummiest. He was drinking
wine, I drank milk, and when I kissed him I could taste it on his lips.
Just writing about our night is making me so happy. I couldn't have asked for
more. We sat on the floor and talked about things. It was like the world had
disappeared and we were the only ones in it.
We made out, too. I didn't want to leave without doing that at the least. I want
everybody to know that I did bring a condom with me just in case, but I didn't
bring it up at all. Everything was just so perfect that I didn't want to spoil
it with unnecessary drama over whether I am ready or not. I know I'm not ready
but I brought it just in case.
After the make out session and pizza Lex popped microwave pop corn and put in
the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula. Keanu is in that one in case you don't know
this. I totally blushed when I realized that Lex now knows how much I like KR. Oh
well, now he knows another one of my secrets. Not that I was keeping it a
secret.
Ooh and something that happened the other day; a close call. Dad found the card
I'd gotten for Lex for Valentine's Day. I'd written the poem in it already but
not Lex's name. I have to learn to be way more careful. Dad just winked and said
that Chloe would love it. I obviously didn't correct his assumption. When he said
it I felt kind of like a heel, since I didn't get her a card. I guess I should
have. She was my date after all. She didn't say anything about it so I guess it
wasn't important. I am sure that Lana got her something.
Speaking of Lana. I have to get going. She's expecting me in a half hour.
More later. I forgot to wish people a happy Valentine's Day. I hope everybody
had a nice time. I know I did.
~
10:37p - The weekend has been so busy
I spent most of it helping
Lana at the Talon. The place is really starting to look great. It should be ready
for the opening this weekend. I can't wait to see it once it's done.
I haven't seen Lex since Saturday. I was hoping to see him today but it never
panned out. He was too busy and when I called again tonight he wasn't around.
Since there was no school today dad decided to give me a million chores. I did
my homework reading for class since I had time to finish it. I was bad this week
end. Both Saturday and Sunday I was too busy to do anything.
Mom and dad have already gone to bed. So now I'm on line seeing what everybody
is up to. I was looking for pictures of my favorite guy. You know who. He's
making a new movie and I was hoping to see if they'd released any new images.
I want to call Lex but I don't want to seem all clingy and stuff. I have to
remember he's a busy guy. Still, I wish I could talk to him.
~
9:00p - I just can't believe this is happening
I just got home from the Talon. Somebody left a gift wrapped severed hand for us
to find. Whoever did it wanted to make sure Lex found it.
I'd gone with Lana to talk to her about the project I have to do for school.
It's been a very busy day.
In class we were given a classmate to do a six page bio on. I was given Lana,
which is very cool, but what totally sucks is Chloe got me. The reason it sucks
is because she is the kind of person who goes digging for stories. She works on
the school paper and wants to be a reporter one day; all great things except I
still wish somebody else had gotten me.
She was waiting for me at home, interviewing my parents. I took off since I was
only there to drop things off before going over to the Talon. When Lana and I
arrived at the Talon, Lex pulled up. We went inside to find the contractor
knocked out. Somebody left a box with a severed hand in it. I guess I have all
the fun.
Lana called the police. I've never seen Lex freaked out over anything before. I
wanted to go to him but that wasn't possible so I stayed with Lana. I think she
might be regretting going into the Talon thing with Lex. Some guy who claimed to
be Lex's friend from the past told her to stay away from him. He told her that
everything Lex touched goes bad. It angered me to hear that. I don't know what
to think at this point. Lex told me it doesn't concern me, but if body parts are
showing up in my friend's coffee shops, then I say I have reason for concern.
I trust Lex. I really do but, man, that hand was gross.
I made sure Lana got home okay after that.
~
11:55p - First times
It ended up just the way I thought it would. Chloe couldn't leave it alone. She
went behind my back and investigated my adoption. I am so angry right now. I
have been all day. I just can't believe she could do this to me. I know nothing
about my adoption and I don't care! She has no idea what it's like to know that
my biological parents fucking abandoned me. They threw me away. For whatever
reason they didn't want me. It hurts beyond the telling of it; especially when I
consider how far my biological parents went to get rid of me. They put me in a
space ship and threw out into the universe.
And Pete had to go and tell Chloe about that time in first grade when I pushed
this kid through a door for picking on him. I wasn't proud of that. I got
carried away. I wish Chloe would just do what I did instead of treating my life
like some kind of corruption scandal. She always feels like she has to dig up
something juicy about everything.
I am not a news story! I tried to tell her that, but she didn't listen at all. I
guess this bothered me way more than I thought. I haven't talked to her since
this morning, and I know if I called her I would say something I regretted.
I am so furious right now. Not just at her. I'm angry at Lex, too. Something has
come back from his past and he ordered me to stay out of it. It's like he thinks
I can't handle it. I hate that. I hate when people think I'm too naive or too
young to handle something.
I found out that a few years ago some guy was killed in a club, and Lex was
there when it happened. I went to ask him about it and I could have sworn I
heard somebody else in the room with him. When I went in, Lex was alone and that
was when I asked him what was going on. He asked me to stay out of it but I'm
not going to stay out of it! I'm not just some guy he knows; I'm supposed to be
somebody to him. I'm supposed to help him and I will. I don't care how mad he
gets at me.
It was strange. I'm not sure how it happened. He jumped on me and we were on the
floor, tearing at each other's clothes. Before I knew it, I was sucking him off.
I didn't have a clue what I was doing but I just had to take him. I had to.
So I sucked him off right there on the floor. I pinned him down and sucked him
until he came all over his belly. I've been watching gay porn to get an idea of
what to do. It's totally different when you're there and the cock is in your
mouth. I can still taste him on my tongue.
He grabbed me, and sucked me off right after. It was the hottest thing I have
ever seen. I didn't last long. I came all over his face and neck. I am never
going to forget that site as long as I live. I never thought I would think
something like that was so hot.
We were in his private gym so we took a shower. Naked. Together. I was so
embarrassed at first. He told me I'm beautiful. I had no idea what to say to
that. I just got more embarrassed.
I went back to the mansion with him and stayed there for the rest of the night.
We had dinner and just hung out. We didn't say much; just mostly made out.
Now I'm sitting here after what happened. Hard again. I have to go jerk off. I'm
not sure what to think about what we did, or why we did it.
~
11:19p - Lex went missing today.
They're all dead. All of our cows are dead. Some sick person dumped chemicals
that came from Lex's factory on our property and killed all the cows.
I was so cold to him. He looked really upset about the cows, but I was just cold
and ordered him to tell the police why this happened. He said it has something
to do with what happened at Club Zero a few years ago.
When he just left the farm without saying goodbye I panicked. He's never done
that. My dad hates him so much right now. I tried to reason with him this
morning before we saw what had happened. Now there's no way he'll ever accept my
feelings for Lex. He'll hate me for going near him.
I've never seen my dad so upset. He's not talking to me much.
Mom asked me to cool it with Lex. I know already that I'm not going to obey her.
I can't. I don't care what my parents say, a person shouldn't be judged just
because of their name, and a person shouldn't be held responsible for what
somebody else does. Somebody did this to ruin Lex.
I even called a number somebody else gave me. Mr. Big answered the phone. He
sounded so worried about Lex. I knew something was up when even he said Lex was
nowhere to be found.
I found Lex and knocked out the guy that hurt him, and then called the police.
Lex is home now. He's a little banged up. I stayed with him until the police
took the kidnapper away. I was so glad to see Lex alive that I held him and
kissed him. It took me a few minutes before I realized I still hadn't gotten him
out of the straight jacket that jerk had put him in.
~
11:34p - origins
At least Chloe decided to drop the adoption thing for the good of our
friendship.
I asked my dad about it and he said it's all legitimate. My parents just needed
to do things differently because of how they found me.
I was found, naked, in a field with nobody else in sight. Actually, my mom
always says I found them. Their truck was overturned from the meteor shower. I
was lucky they found me.
It's only been six months since my dad told me the truth of where I'm from. I
still haven't gotten used to the idea. I doubt I ever will. I crashed to earth
in a ship. How do I get used to that? How do I resign myself to the fact that I
am an alien lost in a foreign land? I have too many questions and not enough
answers. It will probably always be that way.
My biological parents must have wanted to get rid of me so badly. They threw me
out into the coldness of space. I wonder if they even expected me to survive. I
wonder why they did it. I wonder where they are. If I look up into the stars am
I seeing my home planet's star? If I am which one is it? I look through the
telescope almost every night and try to see if I can figure out which one it is.
It's so stupid but suddenly I feel homesick even though earth has been the only
home I've ever known.
I keep thinking about what happened yesterday. I mean, I got to see Lex naked. I
still can't believe I did it. I pushed him down and took control. It would be so
easy to just always control him. My strength guarantees that. I can still taste
him.
I feel lost. At least emotionally I am very much the same as any other teenager;
if I really am a teenager. For all I know I'm actually thousands of years old.
Doesn't it take that long to travel across the universe? I'm really losing it
now.
Who am I? Where am I from? Why did my parents abandon me? Who are my parents?
What is the name of my home world? Where is my home world?
I could keep going forever. I could even ask if it was fate that I met Lex the
way I did. I could even ask why my feelings for him are so strong even though I
still feel something for Lana.
~
11:23p - I've been grounded
It's not like she said stay away from him, it's more like make the choice
yourself or else I will make it for you. She didn't say what she would do, but
it was implied that it wouldn't be good.
I'm so fidgety tonight. I spent most of the morning in la-la land. I can't even
remember what any of the teachers said. I came straight home from school, did
the chores as slow as I could since I had so much time.
I found an old picture of when the Talon first opened, and had it framed. I'm
going to give it to her tomorrow. Lana called tonight to ask how everything is
going. She asked if I was worried about something else from Lex's past coming
back. If only she knew.
Now I have to sit here all night. If I even reach for the phone mom asks who I'm
calling. I know I'll see him at the opening for sure so maybe I'll pull him
aside. I need to go for a run or break some rocks or something.
~
11:47p - The opening was a smash ...
... but not for me. I've
had a blah day. Woke up, trudged through chores, and then sat around waiting to
be allowed to go to the opening.
The place looked amazing. Everything came together so well. I got to see Lex
while I was there. He looked so gorgeous. I hadn't seen him since the incident
in the city. We went into the back office to talk in private. I just couldn't
tell him that my mom and dad were grounding me until further notice with people
around. Especially since most of them are my friends.
I totally panicked. I thought for sure he would tell me he can't take the
overprotective parents thing. I thought for sure he'd tell me I'm not worth the
hassle. I can't help but think that way. Mom told me to cool it. I told her I
won't cut him out of my life. I told her several times that Lex is a good friend
to me and that he would never let anything happen to me. I just know he
wouldn't.
Dad's not saying much to me. He talks to me but only if it's not about Lex. This
is so hard to write but I need to get it off my chest. Dad is so mad about the
cows. I can't even reason with him so I gave up. I'm going to try to talk to him
tomorrow.
When I saw Lex today I asked him what the real truth was about the club. He told
me he did what he did to protect his friend. He took the heat for somebody else
so she wouldn't go to jail. That just blows me away. I mean to go that far for a
friend. I believe Lex no matter what my dad says.
When we talked in private I wasn't sure what to say. I felt so stupid and young
and out of my league. I told him about my mom wanting to talk to him first
before I can see him again. I talked to him longer than I was allowed to and I
asked him if we could sneak out. I can't understand why mom is being so strict.
She's not usually like this. It's good that she doesn't know how far things have
gone.
She called me just as Lex and I were finished talking. How do moms do that? She
totally grilled me. Asked a million questions even asked if I saw Lex. I
couldn't lie. I never could to mom. As I left the Talon I had to get one last
look at him. He looked so sad. I wanted to go to him and just hold him in my
arms. My heart ached.
I want him to be happy, I want to let him know that I will be thinking about him
all night and all day tomorrow. I'm going to call tomorrow to make sure he's
okay. This is so stupid. It's like that Shakespeare play Romeo and Juliet only
it's got no Juliet in it.
I'm so tired. I feel drained and lost. Maybe if I sleep on it things will look
different; better.
~
9:28a - Worse morning ever
I just had the biggest
fight with dad. I don't even know how it happened. I went down to have breakfast
like always. Everything was fine and then dad said he needed me all day for
chores, which isn't unusual. So I said fine and then I tried to bring up Lex.
Dad didn't say anything at first. I kept talking. I told him and mom the truth
about what actually happened. I even said I admired him for trying to protect
his friend that way.
Dad freaked. He told me that there was nothing to admire about Lex. That he's
nothing but a spoiled brat who thinks he can solve all his problems with money.
Then I tried the argument that he has always been a good friend. Mom glared at
me.
Dad said a few things that really hurt. Then he stormed out. When he was gone I
tried to reason with mom. She told me that she isn't planning on forbidding me
from seeing him, she just needs reassurances.
I hope she doesn't ask him to dump me. I feel so panicked. What if she does?
What if she goes to him and says she doesn't want us to be together that way? I
wish I'd never told her about me; about us.
I have to go do chores now. I'm going to call him later. I think mom said she
was going to go to the mansion today to talk to him. This is so dumb, I know Lex
would never hurt me or let me be hurt. He said so when he told me he would do
anything to protect his friends.
I'll have to tell him that I would never ask him to go that far for me. As much
as I love the idea, I would never want him to do something illegal for my sake.
Okay, maybe something that is only between the two of us and in a bed, in
private, with lots of lube.
He posted an open post. I hate my life sometimes. I will call him as soon as I
get a chance no matter what my parents say.
~
4:36p - Normal days and normal nights
My mom went over yesterday
to talk to Lex. Things went well. I'm not sure what she said, but when she got
home she came straight to the loft to talk to me about it. She is the best mom
ever.
As soon as she told me that I could go over to see him I was off to the mansion.
It was great to surprise him. He didn't expect me to show up so soon after the
talk with mom. We didn't really talk much about what was said between them. I
wanted him to know that the trust she put in me is very important to me. I don't
think I got that across. Sometimes the words are hard to find.
At least I got to kiss him and touch him. That was the best.
It blows me away that my mom knows and she's still okay with it.
Then there's dad. He's not talking to me still. This is always how it is. In a
few days things will be back to normal. I'm not that worried. I have to go do
deliveries soon, which means I get to see Lex. Last night he beat me at pool so
I think I'll ask for a rematch.
Mom's calling. I have to get going.
~
12:38a - I totally screwed up
I thought if I made light of it and tried to keep things easygoing I would be
able to talk more readily about sex. I was so wrong. I think I made things
worse. I felt like a total fool. I think back to what I said and I just can't
even believe I said it. What the hell was I thinking?
He sounds so upset in his journal entry. He was drinking. I guess I really
screwed up. I just don't know how to handle all this. I need to think long and
hard on what to do next.
We made a date to talk about that kind of stuff for Wednesday. It was so weird.
I went over there not really expecting to say much just maybe to talk and then
suddenly the conversation (thanks to my big mouth) takes a weird turn. I wanted
to at least let him know that I liked what we did the other day. We kind of did
some stuff that involved being naked. I'm not really sure where I got the
courage to even touch him like that. I just did and now I have to deal with the
consequences of what happened.
I loved it. I should have told him that. I told him I didn't want him to f***
me. He was so upset; I thought I'd said something totally wrong. I didn't even
get the courage to say I want it to be more between us; not just sex. I'm not
interested in that. I want us to be close. I care about him as much more than as
just somebody to have sex with.
Even to myself I sound like a dork. When I thought it in my head I panicked and
couldn't say it to him. He thinks I don't want to. I'll have to wait to tell him
since it's so late.
Okay I am going to put it down here even if it sounds naive. I want us to make
love.
~
10:01a - I'm moping so sue me
So I spent most of last night lying on the floor of my loft. I just sort of fell
and didn't bother getting up. You'd be surprised what you can figure out lying
on a wooden floor. Mom came and got me, otherwise I think I would have just
stayed there all night. I was thinking.
I'm supposed to go over to the mansion later today to talk about it.
Everybody is trying to point me in the right direction. I ran into Mr. K at the
coffee house. We talked for a bit. It seems like I'm being too shy about all
this and need to not worry about how Lex will react to what I have to say. Both
Mr. K and Lana think I have to just tell Lex how I feel. It's so easy for them to
say; not so easy for me to do. At least that's what I thought. One thing I know
about myself is that I would rather give than take. I took the other day; in a
big way.
Lana called last night. She's so great. I was so confused and just talking to her
made me feel better. Thanks to her and Mr. K. I called Lex. He was home and we
talked. It went well. He made me realize something I didn't even know. I am
worried about so many things when it comes to taking the next step with him. We
said we can work it out as we go along so now I'm not so worried.
It may just be all for nothing. I mean I am not really ready for more. I want to
make sure we both know where we stand. I know we already decided to not do
things that involve clothing removal, but he's just so . . . and it never hurts
to talk about these things. At least this way I've already had practice and
won't explode later from embarrassment.
~
10:35a - Sex and the single alien
There's so much I can't tell Lex. It makes it so hard sometimes. I can't tell
him what my real fears are. I can't say that one of things I'm worried about is
that I will hurt him badly, or that my strength may mean I can't have sex with
him because he's so fragile. When I did what I did to him in the gym, I had to
make sure I was in control 100 % of the time. Otherwise I could crack things;
delicate things and I love Lex's delicate things.
When we talked last night I wanted so badly to tell him I was worried about
this, but I can't and I can't talk to my mom or dad about it. I talked to my mom
before about my fears of breaking a human partner. She said she has faith in me.
I have never done anything like this before so this is, I guess, a proving
ground.
I've had to keep my hands to myself my whole life and for the first time
somebody wants me to touch them. Somebody wants to be with me in an intimate
setting and it scares me to death. I feel like I should just walk away from it
all. I think maybe I should since not only could this go badly because of my
differences, but I feel more and more every day that if I can't share what I am
with him, I shouldn't even be with him.
Last night when we talked he told me he won't go away if things aren't as great
as all that. I told him I wished the other day in the gym had gone slower, and
been more intimate rather than a quick sexual encounter. He said that it was
cool that I just took; that sex doesn't always have to be one thing, or about
sharing, or about who does what to who. He said it can be many things. He also
said he loves that I want things from him, and that me just saying it gets him
hot. That is very cool.
I guess I have a lot to learn. My ideals about an intimate relationship must
seem so naive to him although I know he won't hold that against me.
The fact that he wants me period is just amazing; terrifying but amazing. I
never thought in a million years that anybody would desire me so much. The look
in his eyes when we are alone makes me want a lot of things. The way he just
says he will be with me however he can in that way. It's heart stopping.
I close my eyes and think about him under me; think about being inside him and
how that will feel. I think about him taking me in hand and just showing me
everything he knows about touching and kissing and sex.
Last night I asked who would top, but Lex just ignored the question. I didn't
press, but I will tonight.
~
11:17a - Talked and some other things
We talked. It was interesting to say the least. I totally forgot every question
I wanted to ask as soon as I saw him. He looked so good. I managed to get some
questions out. He was really cool about it all. We decided to move things to a
new level. So now we can touch bare skin, which I love to do.
I asked him a bit about his own sexual history. I won't say what he told me here
since that's private stuff. I was so nervous about asking those things since
it's about his past and I know he's not keen on going there. He answered the
questions though so it was okay. I pulled out a condom and told him what I know
about safe sex. Of course what I know wouldn't even make for an interesting
entry.
Our relationship has moved forward. I'm so glad because now I feel so much more
comfortable with everything. I feel like I could talk to him about almost
anything now. He even said I could call if I came up with anything else to ask.
I have to get back to class. More later.
~
12:01a - Talk the talk
I did it. I went over and
we talked. I had time to think about him all day; which wasn't easy since I kept
getting excited when ever I did.
We're getting together tomorrow night to do stuff. I'm going to ask for a safe
word.
School was the usual. When I got home dad was magically talking to me again. We
get the new cows this weekend so that should make him happy. He's been so down
about the whole thing. I made sure to steer clear of him since 99 percent of my
thoughts now revolve around Lex.
Mom made fresh pie tonight. I had two slices. She's being really indulgent
tonight. She just came up a few minutes ago to ask if there was anything I
wanted to talk about since I seemed so weird the other day. I pointed out that I
was not only sitting at my desk (instead of on the floor) but I was doing my
homework. I had so much of it tonight.
I wanted to call Lex but mom has imposed a little rule about talking on the
phone after 11 on a school night which isn't all that bad.
I have another question to ask if anybody is willing to entertain me with
suggestions of a safe word that would be cool and maybe a little fun. What
should we scream when we want things to stop?
~
11:17a - Sex and the not so single alien
I asked Lex if he likes to top or bottom. He was kind of vague about it. He said
he likes to keep his options open. I have no idea what I would like. I don't
even know how it will feel for me. I am alien after all and just because I look
like a human on the outside does not mean I will necessarily have the same
things on in the inside. That is a depressing thought. What if sex isn't the
same thing for my species? I've jerked off plenty of times. I even smashed
things and ripped clothing by accident. I've since learned to control it, but
still who knows.
Lex and I have already done some stuff. Like what happened in the gym. I still
can't figure out why I did it. I just felt like I needed to touch and be touched
at that moment. I wanted him to suck me off; I wanted to suck him off. I wanted
to know what it was like to have a part of him inside me. I want to know what it
will feel like when he penetrates me.
Tonight I'm supposed to go over to his place. I felt too silly last night to try
on a condom. It seemed weird somehow so when I jerked off I had a mess to clean
up; not that I mind. Lex says he likes it messy; so do I. I mean, I don't really
know if I do or not but it seems so much more sexy.
When we were in the gym I came on his face and that was very hot. I wanted to
lick him all over. He was all wet and sticky and it really was like I was
marking him as mine. We're the only ones who know, but who cares. I like it so
private. I like that we have to be all secretive. I like that he wants me; that
he wants me to touch, to taste, to push into him. I will only admit this in
private but the first time I see him in the day I get hard. I want to push him
to the ground and do things to him; very naughty things. At least a hundred
times a day I imagine it.
I wonder if I'm hitting some kind of sexual peak for me.
I want us to have a safe word. In case I hurt him, or I inadvertently break
something. I can't really feel any pain since I am invulnerable. I know I feel
pleasure because when Lex touches me it feels amazing. It sends tingles all over
my body and makes me respond in ways I never imagined. I'm hoping that this
means when I have actual sex that I will feel it. I want to feel it.
Then there is the issue of safe sex; condoms and how to put one on. I know the
gist but I get so nervous when I take one out of the package. The first time I
opened one I misjudged my strength and tore it in half, the second time I poked
a hole through it. I think I'll let Lex put it on me. I may just have to pretend
it's something that turns me on; a kink. I wonder if he would buy that.
We talked a bit about Lex's sexual history. I really wanted to know when he
first had sex. He seemed so nervous about the subject. I pushed a little but I
didn't want to push too hard. I hope it's not something bad. He only really told
me how old he was (fourteen), and that it was a guy and a girl. I wonder why he
disliked it so much. Maybe he was forced. That would totally suck.
~
10:43p - Sucks to be me
I couldn't go over last
night or tonight! My mom asked me to stay close to home since dad's acting
weird. I begged her to let me go over to the mansion since I had a date with Lex
but she said no. She also said that I was not to sneak over during the night
time.
Um, well, I sort of listened to her. I sneaked over very late at night. I just
forgot to tell her. Since she didn't ask I didn't have to lie to her about it.
Besides, it's totally unfair; I was not even thinking of sneaking over until she
mentioned it.
I went by around three. I had this dream about Lex and then I couldn't sleep so
I had to make sure he was okay. He was just fine, tucked nice and neat in his
bed. We did some things and then I had to leave, which totally sucked since I
wanted to stay and fall asleep with him. He pointed out that it wouldn't be a
good thing.
So now I am hanging out in my fortress, alone, and bored out of my mind. I
already did all my homework and shot some hoops. I spent some time watching the
mansion today. It looks deserted from a distance. I saw one light on. I kept
wondering what Lex was doing.
I suppose he's not the only thing in my life but still he is the coolest thing.
I told him I loved him. Is that TMI? I hope nobody thinks I'm a dork for saying
that. Oh well. I have to go and run or I will explode.
~
11:40p - Late night romp
Last night was the best. I am so glad mom gave me the idea to sneak out. I
hadn't done that in a long time.
I slipped into his bed and touched his cheek to wake him up. He woke up almost
right away a little startled at first but then he smiled when he saw it was me.
I just climbed into his bed and pinned him down since he was still half awake.
Just like at the gym I felt brave. I slid my hand into his pajama bottoms and
touched him. He was as hard as I was. I was hard even before I got into the bed.
I sucked him off until he came in my mouth. It was amazing. I'd read this thing
on line about how to deep-throat. I think I did okay because I pretty much
rendered him speechless. He couldn't talk for a few minutes after he came. I was
proud that I swallowed. He looked shocked that I did.
After, we lay down for a few minutes. I would never have asked him to do it, but
I didn't need to. He took my pajama bottoms off. He did it. I was on top of him
but he urged me up so that I was on my hands and knees above him. He slid down
and it was so hot I tore the sheets. I let go of the mattress just in time.
Since I couldn't last very long with his hot mouth on my cock, I was coming
almost minutes later. He didn't make me feel ashamed or embarrassed about coming
so fast. I felt so content and happy with him.
Then when we were relaxing again I told him I love him and he said it back. Not
ditto or anything like that 'I love you, too.'
I wanted to stay I really did. I will make some kind of arrangements in the
future so we can do that. We have lots of time now that we're together.
The best thing is he didn't ask me about the sheets. I mean I shredded them to
bits. I came so hard. I think it had to be the hardest ever. I should know I
come a lot; at least once a day.
~
2:10a - ?&%$
Lex said he had a safe word with Bruce. Does that mean they tied each other up
during sex? Does Lex want me to do that to him? I can't do that. I would never
want to hurt him. What if he wants that and I say no and he goes somewhere else?
Oh man. I just can't stop thinking about this now. Lex tied up. I've seen it. I
saw him in a straightjacket; that's tied up. Did I like it? I can't remember. I
wasn't thinking that way at all. I was just thinking he needed to be saved.
I did hold him still when he tried to pull out of my mouth last night. Does that
mean I could be into tying him up? Suddenly I am so much more confused.
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