11:29 pm
Life...
...totally sucks. I have the worse timing in the history of timing.
~
04:44 pm:
Okay, it's not as dire as all that.
All I did was say the safe word. I was scared. I panicked.
It was way scarier than I thought. You know when you say you want something, but when you're actually there it's a whole other story. I was
there. I had begged him to do to me what I have done to him so many times. It feels so good when I do it. I want him badly. I want him to
take me badly, but I was so afraid and I froze and couldn't go through with it. He was amazing. It was perfect. Everything was perfect,
except me. I fell apart. I was the one who screwed up.
I'm not ready. I thought I was. I really did. I dreamed about him in me, taking every inch of me. He was so wonderful. I said 'cherry pie'
and he stopped everything.
I feel so dumb now in the light of day. Last night I was so scared. Maybe that is too harsh a word. All I can remember was thinking that I
couldn't do it. I tensed up and couldn't relax even though he was so amazing and gentle.
He was amazing. Never once did he get mad at me or frustrated. He just held me in his arms, and said words that made me feel good. So I
think everything is going to be fine. I hope.
I keep thinking about the moment when I was under him. In that moment, when he was about to enter me, I was too afraid to go through with
it. I thought for sure that when I got there I would want it. But I didn't. I don't. I'm not ready for this at all. It's so stupid. I should
be. I've done things with him already. How is this so different?
I need time to think about this.
~
10:52 pm
So
I had something else to do today, so I couldn't make the deliveries. I hope you're doing okay. I wanted to see you, but something came up
with Dad so Mom made the deliveries.
I hope you're okay. I notice that you posted a few times since I last saw you.
I hope you're not working too hard. I'll talk to you tomorrow or maybe see you.
~
11:08 pm
Relationships made of stone
I talked to Mom today about the nightmares. She didn't really have much to say except that she felt bad that I have to lie to Lex. It was
nice to have her there to hold me. I miss the days when I would just curl up next to her. I'm way too big for that now. I tower over her.
Still, it was nice to have her hand on my head and her arms around me.
She said we'd figure something out, but I'm not really sure what she means. She also said she understands that a relationship based on lies
will eventually fall apart. Are we doomed? Am I condemning my relationship with Lex by not telling him?
It should be easy. He loves me, I love him, but it isn't that easy.
I didn't tell Mom about what happened between Lex and me. I couldn't imagine trying to say Lex almost penetrated me during sex. I did ask if
she'd do my deliveries for me. She's so cool. I did all the picking, since I can do it in five seconds, and loaded the truck. When she got
back I wanted to ask if she'd talked to Lex. Somehow she knew and the first thing she said was that she didn't run into him. I was kind of
hoping that maybe she would. Maybe she could talk to him; tell him that I'm not feeling well or something. Or say something Mom-like to make
him feel fine.
I kid myself when I say things are going to be okay. I know they won't. He's never going to want to fuck me now. I was really surprised he
didn't kick me out after. I even asked if he wanted me to leave. He should have told me to leave, because after it was over, I had no idea
what to do or say. We just lay there, barely talking.
Now it's pouring rain outside. That totally suits my mood.
~
08:47 am
Actions speak louder than words, or maybe in this case the words really
do the talking.
You should think about the consequences of your actions.
I guess he's really mad at me. I know this was meant as a jab. I don't always think things through, but sometimes I have to act fast. I
can't help if my body moves before my brain even knows what happened.
On top of that, I had the nightmare again last night. I am really starting to wish that my alien ness came with no dreams. Why can't that be
one of my abilities? Stupid dreams: Stupid alien mind. It was the same dream as always. Lex finds out and tells me he hates me and I beg him
not to leave me.
Mom gave me this sympathetic look at breakfast this morning. I must have looked really pathetic. I hardly slept at all. She made pancakes.
Luckily Dad didn't notice. He never notices unless Mom points it out. All he told me was he needs me to move this huge boulder in the back
field. I just grunted and came back up to my room. Then he came up to talk to me about what's wrong. I told him I feel sick, which doesn't
work for somebody who never gets sick unless there are ugly green rocks around.
He left me alone and said that he expected me to do the work in the afternoon. I forgot to tell Dad that I'm going to be helping Feegan with
his house renovations. I think I'll go by there today and start to work on that. I could use some money anyway. Since Dad only gives me a
pathetic allowance and Feegan plans on paying me for my time, I know where I want to be.
I'm going to tell Mom in a few minutes. Or better yet, I'll just tell her now and head over.
It's going to be a bad day. I can tell already. Maybe I should just go over to talk to Lex and get it over with. I wish he would scream at
me, and tell me off, or something. If he's really mad at me for backing out (poor word choice) then I wish he'd tell me instead of
pretending things are fine.
~
08:08 am
A very productive day
Yesterday was an amazing day. I wasn't really sure, when I went to bed last night, what to think, but this morning I feel so hopeful about
everything.
I spent most of the day over at Mr. K's, helping him with the renovations on the house. We got a lot of work done. I felt really pleased
with how much was accomplished. I do so much work around the farm, but this was different. It also gives me a chance to get away from farm
work.
I'm going over again today to do more work.
Lex and I went for a ride. He seemed really angry at me at first, but we actually talked things out. I needed to realize that I am in a
serious relationship with somebody else and I have to respect that. I think he thought I was going to break it off. I can't believe he would
think that he thought he screwed up.
It doesn't matter now. We're moving on and things are better. I told him I wasn't ready to take that step. I did a lot of thinking on it and
I really am not ready to go there yet. He thinks that maybe I might never be ready. I don't know. I can't tell. I want to do it. I want to
feel that way with him, but I need to be emotionally mature. I need to think about the consequences of my actions more. I know that
sometimes I act before thinking. In this case I acted and Lex is glad I acted and didn't just do it because he wanted it. I almost did. I
really wanted to so badly.
I am so mixed up about all this. He was right. I told him that I want to do that with him, but that I need to be ready for it. I also told
him that I was afraid I would disappoint him and not live up to his vision of me. He laughed and said that could never happen, but he
doesn't get it, one of my biggest fears is that nobody will love me. That was really hard to write. Or that they will find out something
about me that will make them realize I am not what they thought.
I think Lex just sees me as this perfect being, and sometimes that can be really daunting. I felt like he thought that I would not love him
just because he wanted this from me. I hope he understood. I mean, I am sure that he gets that I love him the way he is. I asked why he
wanted it now but then I realized that it wasn't important. What is important is that he wants me no matter what.
It's so much more than that. I know it is, but I can't even go to those other places. It hurts too much.
After we talked, we kissed. It was the most amazing kiss ever. His lips felt like - absolution.
~
07:57 pm
This has been the best day ever
I am so on top of the world today. Everything went right for me. I woke up
early and Mom and Dad were already at breakfast. They were so happy and cute together, I didn't even complain about the PDA right in front
of the young, impressionable kid.
I immediately took off to go work on Mr. K's house some more. He wasn't there again, and I found out why when I took a break to go to the
mansion. Lex and Mr. K were busy working in the mansion office. Mr. K was in no shape for hard labor. He was bruised and beaten badly.
Apparently he'd had some run-in at a bar with a bunch of guys. I felt so bad, but he said that he's recovering fine.
I have to admit, at first when I saw Mr. K all beaten up, I thought that maybe he and
Lex had gotten into a fight, but Lex didn't have a
scratch on him (believe me, I checked thoroughly). I'm pretty sure that there was no scuffle between them.
I talked Lex into going for a short drive with me in the truck. He didn't even complain about the messiness. If you saw the way he dresses
and the way he carries himself, you'd find it hard to believe that he didn't demand we take one of his cars. Not that he's a snob, just a
car snob. I, on the other hand, can't wait until I can afford my own vehicle. Whatever it is it will be large with big wheels, and a huge
cab with tons of leg room. I have really long legs and getting into those tiny European things can be a bit daunting. I wish I could have
said yes to that truck he once offered me.
The drive was so nice. I felt so relaxed and we talked about everyday things. Not once did he look bored. He told me about some business
stuff he was working on which I have no clue about, but it was nice that he shared it with me. He has to go away again on business for a few
days. We were interrupted by a phone call just as we were about to get hot and heavy with the kissage. It was his Dad, Mr. Big. That was not
embarrassing at all.
His Dad is out of the hospital, which is nice. He invited Lex to have dinner in the city with him. I asked
Lex if we could do something on
Saturday. I don't really know what we're doing, but I'm sure whatever it is I'll have a lot of fun.
After we kissed goodbye I went back to Mr. K's house to finish off some of the work I'd started. It is a really nice house. I can't believe
he's going to live there alone. The wrap-around porch is amazing. I made sure to fix every board that creaked so now it's 100 percent solid.
I got home just in time for dinner. Dad was amazed at how much time I've put into this house renovation project. It's only been a few days
and already he thinks I'm shirking my home duties. Of course, right after we had dinner, Dad listed everything that didn't get done, since I
was elsewhere, but I was too happy, so I ordered my parents to enjoy some time together while I did the evening chores.
Now I'm going to do some reading.
~
09:52 pm
That totally sucked
I just came back from a party by the lake. My friend PR, who had a date,
(thank you PR for making me the third wheel - or something like that), for some reason wanted me to come along. I found out fast why. He
practically set me up on a blind date. It wasn't technically a blind date, but his date brought a friend etc. The girl took one look at me
and practically yelled right there on the spot at her friend. I could tell she wasn't pleased. I don't blame her, I wasn't either.
She used to date one of the guys who played that prank on me back in the fall. Like I said, PR didn't say it was an actual date. I left as
soon as he took off with his date. For me the party was over before it started. Of course the first thing PR said to me was that I should
stop mooning over Lana. If only he knew. I just kept my mouth shut. It's better to let him keep thinking that I am waiting for
Lana.
Speaking of Lana, Chloe called me last night. It was so nice to hear her voice. She called to thank me for the birthday message I left on her
phone last Sunday. She sounds so happy. I'm really glad. We talked for a little bit about how much we miss each other and how glad we'll be
when school starts up again. That came out sounding wrong, but it's really mostly that I miss my friends.
Lana is still in the city as well.
They had a great time together over the weekend. I'm sure they're having a great time together all the time.
I also spent most of today at Mr. K's house. That place is so nice. After I did some work I relaxed in the living room. I started to imagine
what it would be like to have my own place. I sort of already do have my own space. It's not totally private since it's in the barn and
anybody can just walk in any time they want, but it's still mine. Dad calls it my fortress of solitude. Maybe I already talked about this.
I'm going to spend the rest of the night stargazing and wondering what Lex is up to. I know he went to the city tonight to have dinner with
his Dad. I hope it went well. At least I get to see him tomorrow night. We have a date. I should call him or something. It's probably too
late.
Now I'm going to scam ice cream and pie from my Mom.
~
11:58 pm
Forever might be longer than I think
When Lex and I had the conversation about forever, how could I tell Lex that forever might mean literally forever for me? In that vision
that Cassandra had of me surrounded by gravestones of all the people in my life there was no stone for Lex. I'm still not sure why, or what
that means, but every once in a tiny while I think about that graveyard. It's burned into my mind. What if I do outlive everybody? We have
no idea what my people are like. We don't know anything about me at all except that I look just like everybody else. So far I have aged at
the same rate as all the other kids around me, but what if that changes?
Lex asked me what was going through my mind while we talked, and that was only one of the things I was thinking about at the time. I always
figured everybody thought about a million things at once, I do. I always have. Maybe humans aren't built that way.
I know I said something wrong when we talked. Whenever we talk seriously, and I say something wrong Lex gets this look in his eyes. I don't
think he realizes he does it. I used to think that he was unreadable, but slowly I am beginning to recognize the nuances.
When I hurt Lex the subtle change in his eyes was easy to miss. Now that I know what to look for, I see it every single time. I'm ashamed to
admit that last night I looked away.
He said he doesn't want to put pressure on me about the 'forever' thing, and I just said okay. I'm still trying to figure out why that would
hurt him.
~
12:18 am
I had a really nice night with Lex.
I can't stop thinking about the look on Lex's face. I dressed up really nice tonight for our date. I spent all day doing everything Dad
asked just so when I did say that I was going over to the mansion he'd be fine with it. He didn't even look up from working on the
motorcycle engine. He just grunted and told me to be home by midnight or something close to it.
I got to Lex's at around seven and he already had a nice dinner set up for us. We mostly talked about neutral subjects since I didn't want
to bring up his Dad unless he did. I wasn't surprised that he never once brought it up. He seemed fine and very relaxed.
After dinner we went up to his entertainment room and watched a movie then the most important thing of the evening happen; we talked about
that comment he made in his LJ.
I will set it up for you here. I made a comment on a post he made in his LJ. I said 'You can spoil me forever.' To which he relied -
Forever it is. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest when I saw that.
We talked about this tonight. He said that he really means it and that he feels that I am the one. He said we have a destiny together. He's
said this before a few times, but I really didn't take him seriously. I do think that our lives are forever linked. I just never figured it
would be this way. I told him that I was surprised he'd said it in such an open place as his live journal. He thought I was asking him to
stop talking about me, but that wasn't it at all, I don't want him to stop, I want him to keep going. I want him to shout it from the
rooftop. I know that this isn't going to happen because of who I am, and because of whom he is, but I wanted him to know that if there were
no constraints put on us by society, I would gladly be his in the public eye. The conversation got a little heavy so I lightened things up
and changed the subject.
Then we had a little bit of fun; the kind of fun that involved nudity and wetness. It went much farther than I thought he'd let me go. I
sucked him off, and then he let me top him. After everything that happened between us he still let me fuck him. I was surprised and the
whole time I was on top of him, our bodies locked, I couldn't look him in the eyes. I pressed my face against his sweat-damp skin and
wrapped my arms around him. It was different from the other times we'd had sex. This time it was slow, and I was careful not to bruise him.
He didn't say anything nor did he urge me to thrust harder. I don't know why but I wanted the pace to be slow this time. I didn't want to
hurt him and I didn't want him to be hurt. I wanted to love him. The only thing he told me was to never stop. I wanted to never stop. I
lasted a lot longer than I ever have with him. It was intense.
~
09:53 pm
Another busy day for me
I spent most of the day helping Mr. K move his things into his new house.
Most of the interior work on it is done. There are just a few more things to do. I think when I get older and can afford my own house (that
is if I am not totally poor) I want to buy a fixer-upper. It was so nice, working on the place. I loved it.
It was nice to have somebody I could talk to about Lex. Mr. K is a great listener. He never once gave me the impression that he was bored or
wanted me to stop. I didn't want to stop. I don't really have anybody else I can talk to about it so openly. I can talk to Mom or SC or even
Lana, but I would never tell them about the forever thing.
After I finished helping him, and he paid me, I went for a long walk. I almost got lost in a field, which was kind of cool since I could
pretend that I was the only person for miles. I actually fell asleep for a few hours. When I got home Dad freaked out, saying he'd called
and Mr. K told him I'd left hours ago. It really made me angry when he told me he'd needed me for some fence repair that he couldn't get to.
I should probably go do it now. I kind of stormed off. It's like I can't have some time to myself just to be alone with my thoughts.
Sometimes I want to just run and keep going.
Mom cooked my favorite dinner so that made me feel much better. Now I am going to read and crash on the sofa.
Lex left early this morning to
go on his business trip and he said he'd be out of touch until Wednesday night. I'll miss him but I plan on keeping myself busy so that the
days will go by fast.
I'm going to ask my parent if I can go visit Chloe in the city next weekend. I have all week to work on them.
~
09:33 pm
Work all day and sleep all night
I had yet another super-exciting day here on the farm. My life could not get
more exciting. Several times I've now mentioned to Mom that Chloe called from the city. I tried to hint that maybe I could go visit her, but
that didn't work. I must not have hinted hard enough. Either that or Mom wants me to say it outright. I will say it outright tomorrow.
Something very exciting did happen, one of the cows got loose. I guess it's not that exciting, but it's something to talk about. The cow is
fine. I ended up in the mud, trying to catch her, but I only suffered the humiliation of being outsmarted by a bovine.
I went over to my best friend's house for dinner. His family was having a big barbecue. He's going out of town for a week starting this
Wednesday to go camping with his Dad and two of his brothers. We talked a little about girls and I asked him never to fix me up like that
again. He said he was very sorry and that from now on he'd let me run my own love life. I think I am doing a pretty good job. I screw up
sometimes, but don't we all. I told him that I am very in love with somebody already. He assumed I meant
Lana, which is fine by me. I didn't
say a word when he brought up her name. After that, things were great and we shot some hoops. It was nice to be relaxed with him again. That
whole blind-non-date thing really made me uneasy.
I sort of felt like I was betraying Lex, or that I would have betrayed Lex if I had pretended to like that girl. Maybe that sounds stupid. I
just can't do it. I made a mental promise to myself never to pretend to like somebody else. I don't like hurting other people.
~
11:23 pm
Lex is back!
I was so excited all day because I knew that Lex was home. I knew that at
the end of my shift I would get to see him. I worked all day then did the deliveries. I asked Mom if it was possible that I could go to the
city on the week end. I forgot to mention that to Lex. We were kind of busy.
As soon as I saw him I wanted to run to him and hug him hard. We never even left his office. We ended up doing things right there. He locked
the door so it was fine.
I am really amazed at how much I missed him. Don't get me wrong, I miss him even over the course of a day, but this time I really missed him
a lot. I thought about him every single night. I daydreamed about him. I fantasized about him all the time.
We had some alone time, but then I had to leave almost right after.
After dinner I asked Mom about going to the city. At first I told her that I could stay with
Chloe, but then she wanted to talk to the person
Chloe was staying with. So I had to tell her that I would actually be staying with
Lex. I know he has a place in the city.
So how about we go to the city this week end, Lex? I totally forgot to ask you today. I must have had other things on my mind. Wouldn't it
be so cool? I want to surprise Chloe and Lana.
Mom gave me the day off tomorrow so we can go tomorrow if you say yes. She also wants to talk to you about it.
~
11:16 am
My fantasies are not that elaborate.
I wish we'd had more time yesterday. I missed Lex so much and when I finally did see him, all I wanted to do was hold him and touch him. It
felt so good to be close to him. I think I might be obsessed with him. He's all I can think about most of the time.
After I finished posting last night, I went inside, showered and collapsed in my bed. I didn't even realize how tired I was. I usually just
do everything Dad asks of me, but I'm so glad Mom gave me the day off. I slept later than I have in ages. It feels so good. I feel much
better. I know what I am going to do for most of the morning. The sun is out so I think I'm going to bathe in it. I haven't done that in the
sense of just laying in the sun in a long time. Because most of the work I do is outside. I do get a lot of sun, but I love the sun. I
probably shouldn't love it as much as I do, but I do.
I really like it when Lex talks dirty. I will never admit that outside of my head, but it's so sexy. Yesterday when he whispered in my ear
about what I wanted and jerked me off at the same time, I felt like my heart would explode. Usually when I jerk off I think about his mouth.
That's all it takes. I hardly ever get past that. I tried to think about what I'd like us to do. I was way too tired to do that last night,
and tonight if all goes well, we should be in Metropolis, staying at his penthouse.
We stayed in his office this time. I felt strange and a little exposed. I didn't get totally undressed. When he told me he wants to have sex
on his desk I didn't really know what to say. My fantasies aren't that elaborate or that voyeuristic. I just want to do stuff like hold him
or maybe do it by candle-light. It's totally embarrassing that they are so mundane, but it's what I want. I don't need fancy stuff nor do I
want to do it someplace I'll get caught.
I guess I'm just a simple alien. Off to bathe naked in the sun.
~
09:12 am
Country boy in the city
The drive into the city was so cool. Lex let me drive. I love that red car.
It's such a nice drive. I've never been so at ease as I am when I'm with him. He lets me be myself.
This place he has in the city is really nice. We stayed in last night and just ordered in pizza. It was nice to just talk about things. He
told me about the things he used to do to rebel. I think being his friend is probably the most rebellious I've even been. Okay maybe being
his lover is really rebellious, too.
We did a lot of making out as well. Maybe for us that goes without saying now. I feel so comfortable with him. My heart pounded in my chest
as we did it last night. I felt safe with him. I felt loved with him. I felt alive with him.
Today we're going to go see Chloe and Lana. I haven't seen Chloe since the incident with that wacky lemonade. I'm looking forward to it.
For now I get to watch how Lex acts in the morning. I've been with him before in the morning, but this is different. He seems way more
comfortable here, more relaxed. He's interesting to watch. I have to go get ready. He'd taking me shopping for some new clothes for me and
then we're walking around the city. I think. I can't wait. So far it's interesting. I'm not much of a city person, but it is interesting to
visit.
The only thing that sucks is that I can't see as many stars.
~
04:47 am
Another busy day and night.
We did so much and I am actually tired. First we went to brunch with Chloe and
Lana. The only thing that I found annoying was Chloe's cousin who I
will call pain-in-the-&%$@. She is so nosy! At least she hardly paid any attention to me. She mostly just harassed
Lex. I really do not like
her at all. Lex was so not cool with how she grilled him. Reporters are so annoying. I guess that comes with being who he is.
I didn't really have anything interesting to talk about. Lana has been taking courses, which sound great. She talked mostly about that, though
I sensed a weird vibe between her and Chloe. I think they had a fight or something. I'm going to call
Chloe some time this week.
After brunch Lex and I went off to do some shopping. I usually hate to shop for clothes. This wasn't too bad. It as a specialty men's
clothing store, and not too expensive. At first I complained because I didn't want him to spend too much money on me. He let me choose what
I wanted. I ended up picking out a cheap pair of black Levi jeans, and a nice black short sleeve dress shirt. Almost everything in the store
was either black or some solid color. I think he chose that kind of store on purpose. To be honest, I think it is the fashion right now. I
guess I'm a little out of touch.
I really like the jeans a lot. They're so comfortable.
I just care that I'm covered up, not what I'm wearing. Although, lately, I think I care more than I used to.
We had dinner in a nice, quiet restaurant first, and then later on in the evening,
Lex took me to a club. It was my first time in a place
like that, and I have to say, people hardly wear any clothes when they go out. It was a hot night, but I saw one girl who had on this tiny
halter thing. You could see everything. What's the point in that?
It was an interesting experience, but I don't think I'd want to go again. Lex looked really comfortable and he met up with some old friends.
He introduced me to everybody, but the music was so loud I couldn't even hear what their names were. They seemed nice.
I didn't want to ruin his night, but I guess Lex could tell that I wasn't really enjoying myself that much. I guess looking at my watch
every five minutes kind of gave it away.
We left around eleven and walked around the city for an hour. We went home after and I needed a shower right away. I felt grimy and dirty
for some reason. I didn't think I would in the city the way I do in the country.
Lex joined me in the shower and after we took things to the bedroom. It was different than last night. Last night it was slow and there was
this connection between us that I can't explain. Tonight it was raw. I wasn't desperate, but I wanted him so badly! It might have had
something to do with the way other people were looking at him at the club. I remember thinking that they can look all they want, but they
would never be able to touch.
I just woke up. He's still asleep, but for some reason I can't get back to sleep. The sounds of the city woke me. I went out to the balcony
for a bit then came back in. I wonder if Lex would mind if I woke him up.
~
11:16 am
Home again
I think Mom really liked the gift I got for her. I saw this thing in a
window on Saturday and it made me think of my Mom, so I picked it up for her.
I got home around nine last night. It was a really relaxing day. I feel so refreshed now, and I'm actually looking forward to doing some
work this week. I feel renewed.
Lex took me to the botanical gardens. It was so nice to see all those flowers in the heart of downtown. After that, we walked around the
city. We ended up in Chinatown. I really liked all the interesting shops. That was where I got the gift for my Mom. I saw it in this a
small, out-of-the-way store at the end of the street.
The city is so different from our small town. There are so many people and they always seem to be awake.
I liked it but at the same time I don't think I'd want to ever live there. I would love to go to other cities to see what they are like. I
want to travel one day, but I think I'll always want to come back here where I grew up. Or maybe I won't. I feel this way now, but there is
a small part of me that really wanted to stay in the city and explore some more. I bet there's a ton of things in the city to explore. We
only had a chance to see a small part of it.
I just finished up morning chores. There is a lot to do but I don't mind. I'm in way too great a mood to complain. I can tell that made Mad
very happy. He was almost shocked when I told him to relax while I did all the chores on my own. I get to take a few hours for myself and
then I have to prepare the deliveries for this afternoon.
~
11:44 am
How ever far away...
I spent this morning with Mad. We had to fix a fence in the far field because since something broke through it. I felt meteor sick for a
second then it went away. It was weird.
Dad and I had a very intense conversation. He actually asked me about my weekend in the city. I was a little surprised when he wanted to
know details about what I did while I was there. My first thought was that Mom had put him up to it. I remember when I first started going
to school. Dad used to ask how my day was almost every day. At first I was totally thrilled but then I quickly realized he just wanted to
make sure I hadn't done something to reveal my gifts. It was disheartening.
This time I held myself in check. I knew why he was asking. He wanted to make sure I hadn't told Lex about myself. I immediately reassured
him that I hadn't. He looked me in the eye and told me that it was more than that. I hate when Dad does that. I know he cares about me. I
think he doesn't get that I'm growing up, or that I'm changing.
After that we had a nice conversation. I told him all about how great Lex is to me and how he doesn't treat me like a kid. I told him that
Lex challenges me intellectually. I actually almost told him about my real relationship with Lex. I wanted to. I want my Dad to know that
Lex would never hurt me no matter what. I don't think Dad believes that Lex would hurt me. I'm pretty sure he realizes how much my
friendship means to Lex. Dad is just so paranoid. I guess he has a right to be. Who knows what would happen if the wrong person found out
that alien life is out there, and that it walks around in flannel. Phelan and Nixon proved that some people would only want to exploit me.
They won't be the last.
No matter what, I know Lex never would.
I couldn't tell Dad about Lex and me. I think I'm going to talk to Mom about how I should handle it. Maybe Mom could break him in, or
something. Or sweet-talk him so that he'll be okay with it. I hate keeping this from him. I always had Mom and Dad there for me. In a weird
way, I miss that. I know that I can't tell them everything the way I used to.
I talked to Chloe last night. I was really worried that she and Lana had broken up. The way they were acting at lunch the other day I
thought for sure it was over between them. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong but she did say that if she needed somebody to talk to she'd
call. She probably won't call. After all, she has her cousin, Lois, to talk to. I bet Lois knows. I hate when people make me feel the way
Lois made me feel. She almost completely ignored me. I guess that was a good thing. I don't know. I thought for sure that was over a long
time ago, but I guess I still give off that freak loser vibe. I hope she couldn't tell that I was with Lex. I made sure not to act like we
were dating. I think.
The weekend was interesting. I have to admit I was afraid that I would float or something equally telling, but luckily I didn't. I feel a
little ashamed at the fact that I freaked out that time when Lex wanted me on the bottom. I can't bring myself to ask him ever again so
maybe now it will never happen. Maybe it's for the best. I want Lex to feel good, and I don't want him to be unhappy. I think maybe
sometimes I make him unhappy. He gets this sad look in his eyes and I can tell I said or did something wrong. I never know what, but I can
tell. Maybe I'm just over thinking it. I probably am, but then again when it comes to Lex Luthor things are never easy. I don't mind, since
it forces me to think harder. Nobody has ever done that to me.
For the last few days I've been thinking about the weekend and what happened in bed. I realized that I'm really at ease with Lex now. It
still embarrasses me when I'm naked around him. I'm not sure why. It's not like he'll laugh at me. I guess I just feel exposed. The first
night we had sex it was soft and sweet. The second night it was rough and I really enjoyed it both ways. I realize that sex can be different
things. Sometimes it's just about scratching an itch and that's all right. I grew up with these notions that it was supposed to always be
soft. Most of my life I figured I'd never get there because of my strength, but Lex loves my strength. I bet he wouldn't love it so much if
I hurt him. So far all I've done is leave a few bruises that went away after a few days.
I think I'm going to ask Lex if he'd like to come over and just sit and talk. I want to be near him and listen to his voice and look into
his eyes. I miss him already, and we've only been apart for a day. Yesterday I couldn't stay long when I did deliveries. I only saw him long
enough to say 'hey'.
I have a lot of work to do today. The tractor needs to be fixed, again. At least this time I only have to lift it while Dad checks it out. I
also have hay to bale. That is so much fun!
~
12:03 pm
I had such a great night last night
Lex came over late last night. It was so nice to just sit and talk. We barely touched and I have to say, after he left, I was really turned
on. It was amazing. He has the most incredibly hypnotic voice. I loved just sitting there and listening to him talk. His stories about Wales
made the place sound so wonderful. I can't wait to go there some day. I would love to just travel around the world one day. Maybe I could do
that backpack across Europe thing some day. That would be so cool, and maybe I could ask
Lex to come with me. That would be even cooler. We
could travel around the country side and sleep under the stars.
Last night I felt so close to him. It made me feel so amazing that he would come over and just sit and talk with me. I broke the no kissing
rule (the one my Mom made ages ago) and just gave him one tiny kiss on the lips. After he left I had to go back inside and jerk off twice,
once in the shower and once before falling asleep. I couldn't get the thought of how soft his lips felt out of my mind. The feel of his
fingers brushing against mine totally turns me on.
I am so in love. It's awesome. Last night was one of the most intimate nights I have ever had. I want more nights like this.
I read his journal entry first thing this morning, and he sounds so happy.
I saw the comments some people on his friends list left. This one from jillofthehill caught me attention.
Y'know... I don't remember you waxing poetic like this unless you were on something really, really strong... so, painkillers or acid?
... and will you share? :)
I really want to brag to that Jill person that Lex is just on me. He doesn't need drugs to feel great. He only needs me. Maybe he needed
drugs when he was with her. That was totally mean. I shouldn't be mean, but every time I see her comments in his LJ, I want to tell her off.
I really don't think Lex would share me.
~
12:25 pm
I could be poetic or I could just say...
Lex is the best thing ever.
Sometimes all you need is a little touch and a tiny kiss for the most intimate moment in your life.
That's all I wanted to say.
~
06:15 pm
Two days!
Lex, when were you planning to tell me that you're going away again? You told people on your LJ, but not me.
How long are you going away for, and are you going to see that Jill person?
~
11:52 pm
Sometimes I want to just smash things.
Lex does that every, single time! I hate it. I feel dismissed and I feel like he's tired of reading what I have to say. I wasn't trying to
say that I didn't trust him. I totally trust him even though he did that thing with Victoria way back, but that's the past. I know he'd
never do that again.
Okay, maybe I don't totally trust him. What if Jill gives him something I can't give him? It could happen. I bet she has a lot more to
offer. She can flirt way better than me, and he's totally flirting back. Why does he have to flirt back? I hate that. I wouldn't ever tell
him that he can't flirt because I love when he flirts, but it really bugs me that he flirts with her.
I feel like smashing things right now. I saw that dismissal and I smashed my radio. How am I going to tell Mom and Dad that I need a new
radio because I got angry and lost control of my strength? I @$%& hate when I do that.
I think I'd better go for a run now to burn off energy. Maybe when I get back I can talk to Mom or something. I want to ask her about that
gay thing. That talk I had with Lana last night really got me thinking. I can't imagine myself going to a gay club, but I wonder what it was
like. Lana wouldn't say. She was really freaked. I can't believe Chloe actually thought Lana would like it. Even I could have told her that
wasn't Lana's thing.
I hope she's okay. I think I'll stop by the Talon tomorrow and see if she needs to talk some more.
~
01:33 pm
On bended knee.
I feel like a total jerk right now. I know you didn't mean to wait to tell me and I know you'd never do anything with that Jill person. I
never should have gotten mad at you and I am really, really, really, really, really, really, really sorry.
I can not even tell you how sorry I feel in the light of day. I woke up this morning and realized how out of line I was last night. I was
just so mad and I felt like you put me last.
I will understand if you don't want to forgive me right away or ever.
I'll be coming over later around four to do the deliveries. Mom is helping me today, but she's staying in the truck.
~
11:32 pm
He's gone again and I'm grounded again.
I did something really careless so now I'm grounded for the rest of the summer. It totally sucks, but
Lex left today on another business
trip. He won't be back until school starts.
Mom and I had a long talk. Mostly I listened and she yelled at me for being so unthinking. I broke a few things and to punish me Mom is
making me pay for them out of my own pocket. This means I have to work my ass off for the next few weeks. That suits me fine since
Lex won't
be around.
After our talk, I helped Mom with the baked goods she was making for delivery. We had to deliver some to the Talon. I got a chance to talk
to Lana. She's going away to see a friend in another state. She and Chloe have been having a hard time lately. I hope
Chloe talks to her soon. I
hate seeing Lana and Chloe so upset.
Earlier today Lana and I went horseback riding. We weren't allowed to leave my property but at least I could go with her. I had a great time,
and she talked all about her trip.
I did get to see Lex one last time on Friday night. We spent almost two hours together. Mom gave us complete privacy, which really surprised
me. I wasn't sure that she would do that, but she cut me some slack this time. Now he's gone and I miss him already.
It was so nice to see him. He looked so good and I just couldn't keep my hands off him. I wanted him to stay with me forever, but I know
that isn't possible. No matter what I want, I have to understand that Lex has this whole other life that I can't really be a part of. We
talked a lot about that, and he made me feel better that he always has to go away like this. He also reassured me that nothing will happen
with Jill. I believe him and I trust him.
I broke the no kissing rule in a big way. We didn't just kiss; we had this moment where everything was so connected. I felt like it wasn't
just a body connection. It's so hard to describe. We talked for a while before we did other stuff. I felt like I had to give us that time. I
felt like we needed to reinforce what we mean to each other.
It was awesome; he was awesome. I've never felt so much like things were perfect between us. I can't wait for him to get back home from his
trip. Things are going to be so different when he gets back. I can just tell they're going to be awesome.
He told me all about where he's going. It sounds really cool. I can't wait to hear all about it when he gets back.
~
07:31 pm
Not having somebody sucks.
He's so far away now. I want him to be here and I wish him here, but he's not here. It's so hard, too. Today I spent the afternoon with
Pete. He came by to ask if I could hang out with him, only I couldn't thanks to my temper. We still managed to have a nice time. The only
thing I found annoying was how he brought up Lana. Eventually I asked him to give it a break. I just wanted us to shoot hoops. It sucked
that I couldn't talk to him about Lex.
I don't feel like doing anything tonight, and since I can't leave the property I'm going to run to the farthest end and watch the sunset.
The sky is clear tonight so the stars will be beautiful. I can imagine that on the other side of the world, Lex is looking up into the sky
at the same time.
On Friday Lex brought the Polaroid camera so we could take pictures of each other. I scanned the one of him so I could make things with it.
He's so gorgeous.
~
09:06 pm
Happy Birthday Lex!!!!!!!
I got his e-mail today. I understand that he's so busy, but I really wish he could have called or something. It's his birthday today! He
turned 22.
I hope you're having a good time, just not too good a time.
Make sure to have some fun even though you're there to work.
The e-mail
Dear Clark,
I'm sorry I didn't write sooner. I am still recovering from jet lag, and the business meetings aren't helping me stay awake.
Japan is crowded, and makes me wish I was home again. I miss fish that's been cooked, too.
I've turned down two invitations to karaoke. Can you imagine?
I miss you.
Lex
I'm sending back a response to it asap.
I have so much work to do and I have to get to bed early tonight. I just worked today. Harvest is upon us and we farmers need to get our
butts in gear.
~
12:02 pm
I should be more patient
I checked my e-mail and called Lex this morning. Japan is nine hours ahead so maybe he's in a meeting or something. I didn't think he'd turn
off his phone. I plan on trying again. I want to call him later when it's night time over there. I'll have a better chance then probably.
I miss him so much. Last night he was all I could think about. I have jerked off so many times since Lex left. I don't know what I'm going
to do. He's not coming home until August 31. I can't wait! When he gets back I'm going to jump him.
The only thing I don't understand is why he isn't answering my post or my comment I left for him at that post he made for me. I left a nice
comment, I think. Even if he's so busy, I know he'd still get in touch with me. I guess maybe I'm overreacting. He said his work is very
important to him.
I'm important to him, too. I know I am, but I have to understand and be more patient.
Maybe he hated the icons I made. I figured he'd like them since they are pictures of me. I wanted so badly to talk to him on his birthday!
I'm going to call a bunch of times today that way I'll be sure to get through to him.
~
09:11 pm
Why won't he answer my calls?
I called Lex almost every hour yesterday and today. Not once did I get him. Every single time I called his phone went to voicemail. It
wouldn't be so bad if it was actually his voice, but it's some automated dead voice telling me to please leave a message and that Mr. Luthor
will get back to me as soon as he is available. What the hell is Lex doing that he can't stop for two minutes to call me? I am getting so
frustrated.
I must have checked e-mail a million times, but there was no new e-mail beyond that really bland one that he sent to me. He didn't even tell
me that he loves me in that e-mail.
This is probably going to turn out to be just fine. He told me before he left that he might be too busy to call, but this seems so
ridiculous. I should probably just be patient.
Mom tried to talk to me but I just told her nothing was up. I know I'm probably just blowing all this out of proportion. Sometimes I
overreact and Lex is a grown adult. I know he can take care of himself.
I still hate that he hasn't called or something. I want him to call now!
I think I'll shoot some hoops. That will get my mind off him. I hope.
~
05:44 pm
What the hell was that?
I don't know what to think. I finally got through to Lex only he didn't answer, some woman did. She had this voice that made my spine
stiffen and the way she talked was very suggestive. When I asked to speak to Lex she said he was indisposed. The way she said it sounded
like she meant in bed indisposed. Then she just hung up before I could say anything else.
I was so angry I crushed my cell phone. It's nothing but little bits of plastic and wires now.
Why was some woman answering his phone? I won't think for one second that he would ever cheat on me, but he's not answering my e-mails, and
the only time I get through to him this happens.
What should I do? I feel like somebody just punched me in the gut.
~
09:02 pm
Blah!
Lex is a big, dumb jerk off. He should call me and he should apologize about a million times. Then he should suck me off a trillion times
over to make up for being indisposed.
BIG JERK!!!11!!
I should never have let him come near me. If he dumps me I will make sure he knows just how strong I really am. He'll totally regret it for
ever and as long as he lives. I hope he gets sunburned on the top of his bald head.
I totally love beer! It rocks so much and I love the sound the bottles make as I smash them against the barn. They're not the best thing to
use if you're playing basketball, but I can throw them really far which is so cool. That smashing sound totally rocks my fucking world.
I should go out and find Lana and make her love me. I bet if I was with her things would be so much easier.
I think I'm a little drunk right now.
I called Chloe but she wasn't there. I think I'll call Lana next. Maybe she could come over and we could get drunk together.
So just in case you missed it. Lex is a big, dumb jerk off.
I need more beer.
~
12:32 pm
I don't even remember making that last post.
I was so plastered last night. I think I had the whole 24 beers Dad had in store. I'll have to give him the money to buy a new case. I have
a lot of work to do today. I don't think I've ever seen so much broken glass. I smashed every single bottle. Apparently I enjoyed the sound
they made as they broke. I managed to clean up all the glass, but the holes in the barn are going to take time to fix.
Dad gave me the sternest lecture he's ever given me. He's so disappointed in me. I don't blame him. I'm really disappointed in myself. I
should know way better than to drown my sorrows in beer. Next time I'll listen to country music. After all, it is the music of pain.
The only phone I could have used to call Lex is now destroyed. It's not even recognizable as a phone. Sometimes when something like that
happens I can't ever imagine touching another person again.
I hurt Mom. Her hand is cut up and she can't use it at all. Every time I see her flinch, I feel a huge stab of guilt. I can't believe I
pushed her. If I'd pushed her harder she would have gone through the wall. I wonder if I could just keep my hands to myself for the rest of
my life? But I know that is impossible. I could never survive without my Mom's touch. She's the most important person on this planet to me.
She's always been the most understanding when it comes to my freakdom.
I am so ashamed at how I treated Feegan. He was only trying to help. I remember thinking, while I was drunk, that he was one to talk. I
remember thinking I should hurt him until he tells me what he knows about Lex. I thought for sure Feegan would know what happened to Lex.
In the light of day I know this isn't true. I know Feegan would tell me if he knew anything at all.
I made that horrible post and it was up all night open for all to see. I locked it now.
I am never drinking again.
I slept the night in Lex's bed. When I woke up in the morning my first thought was that Lex was home, but then I realized I was in the bed
alone. I wanted to cry, but Mom was right there by my side. I feel so lucky to have such understanding parents. I hate that they have me as
a son. They deserve way better. They deserve a real son who doesn't break them when he gets out of hand.
No matter what Lex's reasons for not contacting me I still love him with all my heart. I know he'll tell me when he returns and it will be
something as simple as being too busy with work. He works so hard.
For the rest of his trip I promise to be patient and not lose my temper or do something stupid again. I vow this. I can't let myself get out
of hand ever again.
I deleted that stupid comment I left at Lex's LJ. I can't believe I left this comment.
Just in case you missed it in my LJ
you are a big dumb jerk who better suck me off a million times to make up for not calling.
So there.
Clark
I hope he didn't read it. He told me he doesn't get comments e-mailed to him. Hopefully he didn't look at it.
I am never, ever getting drunk again. It's way too dangerous.
Now I have to make it up to my parents. With Mom's hurt hand she'll need me all day. I'm lucky to have my parents and to have Feegan as a
friend. Mom intervened with Dad and made sure the punishment wasn't too harsh. I already think I punished myself more than enough. I'll
probably punish myself for a long time to come.
Oh god! I think I called Lana and Chloe while I was drunk. I hope I didn't say anything too embarrassing. I hope they'll forgive me if I
did.
~
07:23 pm
Just so you all know
I'm fine. Mom took care of me and everything is okay. I just had a momentary lapse, but I know things are going to be fine. I vow to be
patient from now on.
Everybody experiments, right? I'm no different than any other teen out there.
I also have a confession to make. There is a part of me that thinks maybe my life would be a lot easier if I was with somebody like
Lana. She
came over last night to make sure I was okay. The look of concern in her eyes made me feel so cared for. I wanted to hold her and I wanted
to be with her. I wanted her to like me the way I used to want her to like me before I met
Lex.
It's hard for me to admit that I did try to kiss her. I felt like if I kissed her everything would be easier. I know everybody is going to
hate me for this. I almost hate myself. I plan on telling Lex as soon as I have a chance. He deserves to know what happened. He deserves to
know that I cheated on him.
Please, everybody who knows both of us, don't tell him what happened. I know he's going to be so disappointed when he finds out I not only
tried to kiss Lana, but that I went out and got totally drunk. I just want to tell him myself.
That's all I wanted to say. Lana is coming over tonight to watch movies. She's even going to call me from the video store to see what movie I
want to watch. I can't believe she's still being so nice to me after what I did.
~
09:17 pm
I miss the days when Mom would make everything better with milk and
cookies.
Life was so much simpler then. Last night I kept my hands to myself and I never once thought sexy things about Lana. We watched an old movie
and talked for a while. Just before she came over, Chloe called. I had left a message on Chloe's cell phone (when I was drunk out of my
mind) and she was calling to check up on me. I should have thought to call her back, but I never seem to think of those things.
Lana was really great. She never once brought up the almost kiss. She told me all about her trip to California. It sounded like she had a
really great time. I wish I could go somewhere far away. It would be nice. Maybe when Lex gets back we can do something together. Most
likely he'll be way too busy now. I guess that comes with being with somebody much older than me.
Mom cut my hair today. It was way too long for back to school. I just love how Dad hints that it needs to not just be trimmed but hacked off
in a major way. He's so subtle (not).
I can't believe summer is over already. It went by so fast. Classes start up again this Tuesday. At least Lex will be back by then. I am so
looking forward to seeing him again. This time I am demanding that he not go away for so long. I hate when he goes away.
That sounds so whiny, but I don't care. I'll tie him to his bed if I have to, or use those handcuffs on him. That would be so cool. I think
I'll ask him if I can do that when he's back. That is if I can do it without combusting into a big ball of flames from the embarrassment. I
almost didn't blush when I typed this, but I didn't quite make it.
It's so hot tonight. I don't really feel hot and cold, but I am sweaty and my shirt is clinging to me. I have to go take a nice cold shower.
~
04:02 pm
I have to think about cold things
I should just lock myself up somewhere and never come out! It's not bad enough that the first day of school completely goes berserk, but
then Lex shows up and the first thing he does is walk right past me to kiss the new sex education teacher. At first I thought he had heard
about the fire and come to check that I was okay. I was so happy to see him for about two seconds. Then she happened; the woman who must
have answered his phone when I called last week.
Lex is getting married tonight. I shoot fire out of my eyes and my whole world sucks beyond the telling of it. I have had to drink glass
after glass of water since coming home from class. I set the class movie screen on fire with my eyes and my parents are shocked that I am a
freak. I am a total freak.
He told me today at school that while he was away he met somebody new. Then he asked me to be his best man at his wedding. I was too shocked
to say anything so I just agreed to do it. What could I say? We were standing outside the school with everybody around us. That woman,
Desiree, was watching us very carefully. She has to know what I meant to Lex. I can't believe he'd do this to me. I just can't.
Lex looks so happy. I think they're having sex, and he probably never has to worry that she'll break him.
I'm so glad that heat thing is over. It would suck if I set my room on fire. I can't believe this. This is worse than being hung on a cross,
left for dead.
I can't be his best man. I just can't do it, but I know I will. I want Lex to be happy and if Desiree makes him happy, then I won't stand in
the way.
At least one thing went well. Things between Chloe and Lana look like they're all better. It was so amazing to see Chloe again. I finally
got to give her the birthday present I bought her. I gave her a silver charm of an old fashion typewriter. She really liked it a lot.
~
05:52 pm
It all happened so fast, my head is spinning.
It's over. Lex met somebody else while he was away and he broke up with me at school this morning! As if that conversation wasn't hard
enough. He said he sent me an e-mail last week to break the news to me. I never got the e-mail he was talking about.
I asked him if he really loves her. I shouldn't have. When he said yes, I wanted to run as far away from there as I could.
I wish I'd never talked to him before the ceremony. He kept saying things like he was just hurting me, that we weren't meant to be and that
this is for the best. I was too stunned to do anything but get ready for the wedding. I was his best man.
I watched him with her and it was as if he was hypnotized or something, or maybe I'm just hoping this is all a bad dream.
I think I'm going to go hide in the barn and never come out again. Lex is married and I'm alone. I'm so glad my Mom was there to support me.
She stayed with me until the ceremony started. I would never have made it through the whole thing without her.
I can't think about this stuff right now. All of this is such bad timing.
I think what hurt the most was when Lex told me that Desiree had said that she was there to save him. I always thought that was what I was
there for. I want him back so badly.
I hate my life so much. Why isn't heartbroken a mood?
~
10:35 pm
I just stood by and watched as Lex married Desiree.
How could I have stopped it?
I set the Talon on fire with my eyes. I thought it would never stop. The heat just kept streaming out of my eyes. I thought for sure I was
going to kill Lana. It was so horrible.
I ruined everything. My freak body ruins everything. Maybe it's for the best that Lex found somebody normal.
Lana and I went to the Talon after the wedding and we talked about how strange it is that Lex suddenly went and got married like this. She
thinks it's kind of romantic, I think something is not right. I didn't tell her what I thought. I don't really have any evidence to prove my
suspicions.
I am going to find out what is going on. I can't believe that Lex would do this to me. Desiree is pretty but there's something about her.
She keeps watching me, and I hate that so much. I wish she'd stop. It makes me feel naked even when I'm not naked.
Feegan refused to go to the wedding; lucky him. I tried to talk to Lex before the ceremony but he was so weird. It was like he expected me
not to be hurt at all. I didn't know what to say so I just said okay. I got dressed and talked to Feegan then went down and waited for my
part. There is something really strange going on. Every time Lex talked to her she would kiss him and he'd just follow her around like a
puppy dog. That is not the Lex I know.
I feel so ashamed because I was turned on by Lex's new wife, but I couldn't help it. Lex told me it was okay to look at her because he knows
she's very pretty, that wasn't why I was looking at her. I was trying to figure out what she did to Lex to get him to dump me and marry her.
I wish I could just accept that Lex is now married to her, but I know something is up. I would never do anything to hurt Lex, but I'm very
sure that Desiree is not what she seems. I'm torn. On the one hand I'm really hoping I'm right, and she has somehow done something to make
Lex act so weird, but on the other hand I don't want Lex to be hurt. If she is a phony then Lex has already been hurt, a lot.
I'm going to take Chloe's advice and look into Desiree. It's not like it would hurt anybody, and if I find out that everything is fine I
never have to tell Lex about this. If I am right and she has done something to him, I don't care what it takes; I will get him away from
her.
When I went to see him just before the wedding, I wanted to grab him and kiss him to remind him of us, but I couldn't. Even if there is
something wrong, it was still crushing to hear him say that he loved her now, and that all he wants is to be my friend.
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