~~~~~~~~
12:40p
So here I am. My friend suggested I get a blog. She said it helps her to unwind and get stuff off her chest.
That's just what I need since I really don't have anybody I can talk to about
things.
Anyway, more later. Maybe.
~
10:58p - Why?
Why can't my dad understand
that I just want to be normal? I asked again, just like I do every year, if I
can be on the football team. Pete's mom and dad let him join, but my dad, no way.
He says I have to be careful. He's afraid I'll hurt somebody but he never gives
me the chance to even try.
Sometimes I hate my life. I want so much to be just like everybody else. Maybe
Lana would notice me if I wasn't such a geek and a klutz
I have to do this paper for English class for next week. That's kind of boring I
know, but so is my life. Don't get me wrong, I love small town life. It's nice
and I love living on a farm but sometimes I get this feeling that my mom and dad
aren't ever going to let me out of their sight.
I'm a freak and I don't just mean slightly freakish. Last week I was in the loft
and I thought I heard my mom and dad talking downstairs. When I went to check
they weren't there. They were in the house and I could hear them. Like I said,
freak.
I'm going to ask again tomorrow morning. Maybe my dad will change his mind. I
have the permission slip ready. Maybe if he sees how much I want to join he'll
let me. Maybe.
Later.
~~~~~~~
12:54a - after the chores
So I came back from class
with a million chores to do. My dad makes me do all the heavy lifting. Don't get
me wrong, I love my parents but my dad is sort of really intense. He's always
thinking about the farm; well, duh, I live on a farm.
Anyway, I saw LL today but she didn't notice me at all. I walked right by her
and she just ignored me. I stare at her and hope that she'll turn to look. You
know maybe pay attention but she was with Whitney. He's her boyfriend. See that's why
I want to be on the football team. She's a cheerleader so I figure if I was on
the team she'd notice me and maybe...
I'm just dreaming though. Pete, my best friend, laughs and tells me I should
just give it up. Chloe my other friend (I only really have two) she doesn't say
anything. I don't think she likes Lana at all, but Chloe's kind of different. She's
cool though. She writes for the school paper and she's the first girl that I
ever kissed. Well, she kissed me up in my fortress. It was nice and she was
really soft and smelled real pretty.
I'm feeling really weird tonight. I want to run or something. I'm just too
afraid I won't be able to stop and then I'll end up in South America. How would
I find my way home? See, that's one of the freak things about me. I do these
things that nobody else can. I can't tell anybody because mom and dad always
tell me other people wouldn't understand, but I want to tell my friends. I don't
think they'd hate me. I mean, it's weird but maybe they'd be okay. Mom and dad
won't let me and part of me understands. I still hate it and feel alienated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1:42a - Another day
So, I was sitting in class
trying not to think about the fact that Chloe had just told me to stop mooning over
Lana, when the teacher called on me. I hate being called on. I'm always afraid
I'll sound stupid and everybody will laugh at me. The funny thing is, I could
answer every single question she asked even though I hadn't been paying
attention. Gosh, that sounds so boring.
Once I overheard these two girls T and J talking about who they would sleep with
from our class. One of them mentioned my name, which made my ears perk up, and
then they both laughed. T said I was probably going to die a virgin. She was
probably right. I mean I think about the same stuff other guys think about. I
think about sex and what it would be like. I can't even talk to anybody about my
fears. I'm so strong what if I break her or really hurt her bad. It scares me.
I think maybe I'll just take care of that stuff by myself, if you know what I
mean. I've done it enough times already so hey a life-time doesn't sound so bad.
Now I've made myself all depressed. I hate being me sometimes. I'm going to go
see if mom made some pie.
9:16a - I'm so mad!
My dad is so not fair. It
wasn't my fault! I didn't mean to break the posts. I try so hard to be careful.
I feel like running again, but I can't because I have to do chores. How do you
make words do that bold thing on here?
So I was doing chores and as you can tell I broke something. Dad was so mad. He
even yelled at me. Mom told him to cool off but not before he used it as an
excuse to point out what would have happened if it had been a person. I'm
shaking so hard right now. Shoot, I just punched a hole in the wall. I
hate my life!
I need an icon that shows how mad I am. Mom's calling. I have to go.
11:50p - More things
So, dad is still not talking
to me. He's being such an ass. I shouldn't say that about my dad I know, but
what am I supposed to do? I tried to fix things but I only made them worse. Mom
ran interference. So, I'm out here in the loft. I was surfing the net for a
while, but that got kind of boring. So I thought I'd just make a fast post. I
want to try to do this on a regular basis since I'll be writing essays a lot for
the next few months, especially once school gets going.
I saw Lana again today. When I walked by her in the hallway I tripped over my
feet. It was so embarrassing. I tried to run but I couldn't because I felt sick
to my stomach. She looked at me, at least. Except it was a pity look. Not really
what I was hoping for. I can't seem to get near her without tripping. I feel all
queasy whenever she's near me. She's so pretty. God I wish I could touch her
hair, and hold her in my arms. She's really tiny compared to me. I'm a big
clumsy ox, all long arms and legs and these freakish huge hands.
I've never had a girlfriend before. My best friend Pete has a new one every other
week. I don't know how he does it. He tells me that he's just having fun, but I
don't think I could do it like that. I want something serious and long lasting.
Something like I read about in my mom's women's magazine. I sneak the magazine
sometimes just to get insight into women, but I still don't understand half the
stuff in there. I don't think I was meant to understand. Pete tells me to just go
with it and stop thinking so much. I feel like such an alien.
This weird thing happened right after dinner. I washed the dishes while my dad
and mom relaxed in the living room. I overheard everything they said even with
the water running. Mom was trying to convince my dad to talk to me. She made
this comment about how I'm a good kid. He agreed but didn't get up to come see
me. I heard them again just like the other time. I still haven't told them about
my hearing going all crazy. I'm too afraid to. I'm already enough of a freak,
and this just adds to it. I don't know what to do. Wow I guess I had way more to
say than I thought. This is kind of really nice. It works better than I thought
it would. Um, well, I have to go to bed now. I have chores to do in the morning.
Bye for now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8:59a - Update
I haven't been around much in
the last few days since I've been so busy with chores.
So, dad's finally talking to me again. He's acting like nothing happened and we
didn't even talk about it. I prefer it that way since it just makes me feel
uncomfortable. Mom was all happy and made all kinds of cool stuff for breakfast.
I ate all of it, just to make her even happier. I really like making her happy.
She's such a good mom. Especially with all that she has to put up with. (Mainly
me)
I'm thinking of telling them about my hearing. I'm not sure what to do. I mean
on the one hand it's pretty cool but on the other hand it just proves how much
of a freak I am.
On the football team side of things; I'm gong to ask my dad again. Maybe he's
changed his mind. If I plead with him maybe he'll realize how much I need this.
I need to be able to do something normal.
I saw Lana again today. She seemed kind of down. I wanted to go talk to her, ask
what was wrong but I felt queasy again when I went near her. I don't understand
it. Is this what love feels like? I thought I was going to be sick all over her
shoes. *sigh* Yet another embarrassing moment for me. A few of the
football players were there. They laughed at me and when Whitney and Lana walked away,
D and M pushed me against the lockers and threatened me. I wasn't scared or
anything because when Lana was gone, I got my strength back. But again, I had to
pretend. Oh well, at least if they follow through on the threat I won't get
hurt.
Sometimes high school is just a great big pain.
On a good note, Chloe moved into the school newsroom. It was so nice watching her be all happy. She looked all glowy and stuff. I have to admit, seeing my friends happy makes me happy. She wouldn't even let me help so I just sat back and watched. I'm probably going to do something for the paper, not sure what yet. Maybe edit. I'd like that.
I also joined the chess club. I know, only geeks join that. What can I say. I guess I'm a geek.
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