09:54 pm
I can't concentrate
I hate this. I hate when Lex and I fight. I spent most of the weekend studying with Chloe and doing farm work. Yesterday was the first real free time I've had in a few weeks, so I went over to the mansion hoping Lex would have some free time. I wanted to have sex. I was horny and I missed touching him. I was starting to have fantasies about his ear lobes and nibbling on his toes after some hard fucking. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work out that way.
When I arrived we kissed and it was amazing. It felt like I'd been asleep until the moment our lips touched. I'd never say these things out loud, but Lex really rejuvenates me. He makes me feel so alive and human. When we're together I can be myself. I never have to hide who or what I am. I'd been thinking about that a lot lately. I wanted to talk about it, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up. Before I could, Lex dropped a major bomb. He told me that a few weeks ago he'd been attacked by a meteor-infected person. It will never end. The meteors continue to ruin people's lives. I tried to stress to Lex how dangerous these people can be. I should know. I've had enough run-ins with meteor infected people. Lex said this guy wasn't dangerous. He was just scared and Lex wanted to help him! How could he say that? The guy hurt Lex! I don't want Lex anywhere near them.
When I pressed Lex for details, he said it wasn't important because it was long over. I don't understand why he would tell me about the attack now, but not disclose any details. Why didn't he tell me sooner? Why wait so long? He said he wasn't hurt badly and the small wounds he did receive healed fast. I made him show me and there was no sign that he'd ever been hurt at all. That wasn't the point.
We had an argument and I stormed out of the mansion. I haven't talked to Lex since. I was just so frustrated. All I wanted was for him to tell me what happened, and I got angry that he didn't even call me when it did happen. Why wouldn't he call me? I could have helped. I went by the mansion today to talk to Brad, Lex's head of security. I thought since Lex wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know, Brad might tell me. Brad said that nothing unusual has happened at the mansion in a long time. I made him promise to call me if something happens to Lex.
I can't concentrate on school work at all now. It keeps going around and around in my mind. What if Lex was really hurt badly and I wasn't there for him? I just can't stand the idea that somebody could hurt him. I've tried to write this stupid essay a million times, but all I can think about is Lex. I even tried to shoot some hoops to burn off energy. All I ended up doing was throwing the ball so far it didn't come back.
~
02:10 pm
On dropping heavy objects and loss
I know I can be stubborn, and I know that sometimes I get a little possessive. I know Lex can take care of himself, but when I think about the fact that he could have been hurt much worse and I wasn't there to help him, I get upset all over again. I've wanted to go see him about a dozen times over the past week, but each time I start to head in the direction of the mansion, I just can't do it.
I still don't know what to do. Maybe if I just apologized -- that would be enough to put things right. We were both pretty angry that day, but I guess I was worse. I shouldn't have gone off on him like that. I just can't help it. I get so scared that one day when I'm not there for him, it will be the day something even worse happens. I don't even want to think about what I'd do if it was someone who'd been altered by the meteors who got to him.
I want to go see Lex today. Even if I don't figure out what to say by the end of the school day, I still plan at least to stop in and let Lex know that I'm thinking of him. I was going to call him, but that's way too impersonal. This has to done in person, even if he tells me to go to hell. He probably won't. I know he won't, or maybe he will. I haven't called or stopped in or made any overtures to speak to him.
The past week has been hell. Ever since that fight with Lex, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. I dropped the tractor on my head. I lost my balance and I wasn't paying close attention. My dad was really angry. Once he got over the shock of seeing me get crushed, he chewed me out for letting my concentration slip. I wasn't hurt at all, but he said it was still shocking to watch. I told him why I was so distracted. He wasn't thrilled that it was about Lex, but he listened, and he even gave me some reasonable advice. At least it seemed reasonable at the time. Dad said I should really figure out what it is I want to say to Lex and how I want to say it, but I can't wait anymore.
My schoolwork is suffering, and if I drop that tractor again, I just know my dad will find some way to punish me. I don't blame him. That thing is really expensive.
~
11:44 am
Lost not found
I went to the mansion yesterday after school. Lex was gone. When I went looking for him, I found Lionel instead. Lionel told me Lex had left for China with Jason. He said he got the distinct impression Lex didn't want me to know about this trip. When I asked if he knew why Lex was going to China, he said it was either for business or pleasure. I don't buy that it was for pleasure, especially if Jason went with him. I know Lex was mad at me, but I doubt he'd do that.
I guess I'm going to have to talk to Lex after he returns. It was frustrating to say the least. I really wanted to see him and speak to him. His cell phone says he's out of range so I guess he really is gone. I almost didn't believe Lionel. He has a tendency to hide the truth, especially from me.
I couldn't sleep at all last night, so I did all the chores four times. My parents found me in the barn working on the tractor. I ended up breaking a wheel off when I tried to straighten it. I lost control of my strength. I hate when that happens. It's so frustrating. I hate my body sometimes. My dad wasn't angry. He told me we'd get it fixed somehow. I want to know how he's going to explain the damage. "My super strong freaky alien son broke it when he was trying to lift it over his head. What? You say, that doesn't happen to you every day?" That's going to go over so well.
I ate three plates of pancakes this morning. I was so hungry after being up all night. I hate it. I hate that Lex is gone and I can't talk to him. I hate that I'm such a freak. I hate that my whole life seems to be falling apart and I can't do a thing to stop it. I never should have gotten mad at Lex.
~
12:42 pm
Another nightmare
I had a nightmare last night. I haven't had one in a long time. In this one, I was running through a field and then suddenly the plants started to tangle in my legs and I couldn't move. I could hear Lex calling for my help, but I couldn't go to him because the plants had pinned me down. Then I heard a voice that told me I'd always fail to save the people I love. I woke up covered in sweat. I feel really anxious now. I know it was just a dream, but I can't help feeling like it was a warning of some kind, or maybe it was my subconscious trying to tell me that I need to stop trying to control Lex.
I never say this to anyone but there's a small part of me that I keep locked away. This part of me wants desperately to protect Lex from everything and everyone. Each time he's hurt or attacked or he takes some risk, I feel this dread. I guess I've always felt this way. I never forget that summer when I chained him to the bed to stop him from getting into danger. I think about that sometimes late at night when I'm alone in my room. It's one of my many sex fantasies about Lex.
I've totally gotten off topic. I wanted to write that Lex is still away on business. I still can't reach him on his cell phone and Molly keeps hanging up on me when I try to talk to her about Lex's trip. I think she really hates me.
Dad and I had an argument this morning at breakfast. I told him I want to fly to China to find Lex and he told me he'd ground me for life if both my feet left the earth at the same time. Of course I meant that I would find a way to fly there in an airplane. He was really angry. He totally exploded at the breakfast table. I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't help it. I really miss Lex. I wish I could talk to him just to hear his voice and know that things between us are okay. Every day that goes by leaves me with a fear that he's angry at me.
~
08:54 pm
You'll never guess where I am
I flew, literally, flew to China under my own power through the sky. I flew again in the air. It was amazing and terrifying and I barely had a chance even to think about what was happening.
On Friday I was having dinner, and then my dad and I got into another argument about Lex. Suddenly there was a horrible ringing in my ears. I couldn't think or see straight. I ran out of the house and stared up into the sky. Mom and Dad ran after me, but by the time they came out, I was lifting off into the air. I had no idea where I was going. All I could hear or think about was that sound. It felt like seconds later, when I slammed down onto the ground (in China). I cracked the ground beneath my feet. When I looked around me, it was to find that I had flown to Lex! He was there, and he was hurt. I didn't hesitate. I just reacted. I wanted to go to him, but the last stone had called me. I held out my hand and it came to me. Some guy I'd never seen was holding it. I hid the stone in my jacket pocket before anybody saw.
Then suddenly this other guy came out of nowhere. He called me Numan and told me that I could not take the stone. He had these really cool kung-fu moves, and unfortunately, he wanted to use them on me. It was annoying because I'd kick him away and he'd come at me, then I'd attack and he'd dodge. He was as strong as I am, but it turned out he wasn't as fast as I am. I finally managed to knock him out after he almost kicked my ass. I didn't care, because Lex was there and he was watching us fight and I had to make sure he wouldn't get hurt worse.
Once I knocked out kung-fu guy, I caught my breath long enough to see that Jason was also there. Luckily he was unconscious and didn't see my very special powers in action. Like Lex he was covered in cuts and bruises. I rushed to Lex's side and untied him. Then I checked him for internal injuries. I kissed him hard and held him in my arms. I asked Lex is he wanted to go to a hospital, but he said he just wanted to get back to his hotel room and take a long hot shower. Then he leaned in and whispered that he wanted to get me in bed so we could fuck into the middle of next week. I was instantly hard.
We left together once I made sure Jason was okay. We were at some sort of temple or something. I didn't really care that much. I was just so glad to see Lex. I could tell he was looking for something just as we were leaving. It was probably the stone. I didn't tell him I had it. I still have it hidden. Right at that moment, I didn't really care about anything except making sure I took care of Lex. He was covered in cuts and bruises, and even though I desperately wanted an explanation, I didn't even ask for one. I could guess that he was there looking for the stone and that Jason was somehow involved. Since I have the stone, it doesn't matter.
I called Mom and Dad to let them know I was okay. I asked Dad if I was grounded forever. He said since what happened was out of my control, he'd let me off the hook this time.
It turned out that Lex and Jason had gone to China, but not together. I think from this moment on, I will not trust a word that comes from Lionel Luthor's mouth. Even if he tells me the sky is blue, I'll ask him to prove it. That man probably couldn't tell the truth to save his life.
All I want now is to get some sleep. Flying and fighting took a lot out of me.
~
03:13 am
Still in China
I'm still in China with Lex, and today we went out to see a few tourist attractions. We mainly saw the Great Wall. It was really long and really cool. We didn't walk the whole length but I seriously wanted to run up and down the whole thing and see how long it would take to get from one end to the other. That would have been so cool, but Lex was right to say that it would be an unacceptable risk.
After we walked around for a while, we went back to our hotel. Lex didn't say it, but I could see that he was tired. I could have walked all along the whole wall and never grown tired. This is so exciting. I've never been outside of Smallville this long before. I did fly to China that one summer, but I didn't stay long. This time, I'm here with Lex and he's almost recovered from his ordeal. He was beaten up pretty badly by those guys. He's healing quickly and we're going home tomorrow once his private jet is cleared to take off.
I don't even have a passport, but Lex said that wouldn't be a problem. It feels good to be with Lex. At night we're together and we can forget the outside world. We can be who we really are. I'm a guy from Kansas, and he's a man who holds my heart. I can pretend it's that simple and there is nothing more.
I wish it were that simple. I still have the stone in my pocket. I managed to hide it from Lex the last few days in a piece of his luggage. I almost told him a few times that I have it, but something stopped me. I'm glad he wasn't hurt worse. He told me that he came to China to get the stone for me. When I pressed for more details, he said it didn't really matter now since everything worked out in the end. Except of course, Lex thinks the stone was lost.
I don't know what the stone will do when I put it in the cave wall. I have no clue what will happen and if it's something dangerous, I want Lex as far away from it as possible. I want to be sure he's safe. Right now he's the most important person in my life, and I can't have him hurt or gone because of anything I did or because of what I am.
~
07:50 pm
I'm home from China
We landed today after what felt like a long flight. I managed to sneak the stone out of Lex's luggage. I now have it hidden in my room. After the plane landed, I told Lex I'd make my own way home. Once I was out of sight, I ran back to the farm. My parents were happy to see me, but Dad was furious. I wasn't in the mood to listen to his lectures so I walked away, but Dad wouldn't give it up. He followed me to the barn and I had to stop and listen to him because he wouldn't let go of my jacket.
I let him rant and told him it was unavoidable. I was called by the stone. I couldn't control that. When he heard that, he stopped yelling and asked what happened. I told him I didn't have time right then to tell him the whole story. I wanted to do the work I'd missed. He said he wanted to ground me, but that he knew it wasn't really my fault though he felt I should have come home right away instead of gallivanting all over a foreign land with Lex.
I was a little frustrated and angry when I rushed off to do the heavy chores. I couldn't stop thinking about the look in Lex's eyes when we were on the tarmac of the landing strip. It was like he knew I was keeping something from him. I almost told him about the stone. I almost reached into my pocket and showed him that his trip had not been in vain, but instead I kissed him goodbye and told him I'd see him later. Then I rushed off as fast as I could before I changed my mind. It's not that I want to lie to him. I really don't. I'm just trying to protect him. I don't know what will happen next and I won't have Lex hurt. Maybe I'm being overly cautious, but if something happened to him, I'd never forgive myself.
I got the chores done fast, and had a long shower. Dad came up to the loft to talk to me. He said he was sorry for getting angry. He was just worried about me, and frustrated about what happened. He told me that watching me fly off and leave him behind was the most terrifying thing he'd ever experienced. I felt so bad. I didn't even think about how it made my parents feel. I asked how Mom was handling it. He said she was an old pro at this since she'd already seen it before. Everything is okay between us now. I was going to tell him about the trip, but I'm kind of emotionally exhausted.
I can't get Lex out of my mind. I never can. How am I going to tell him about the stones and where they go? I'm so afraid that what I do next will change everything.
~
11:07 pm
From good to bad
My day started off so nice, and then Dad had to ruin everything.
I woke up early and did all the chores alone. I didn't go back into the house until lunchtime. I was in such a great mood and the day was gorgeous. The sun was shining. I wanted to fly. I took my shirt off when I did the outside chores. I feel so charged now. I even managed to get some welding done.
Mom and I were getting lunch ready when Lex surprised us by showing up at the back door. I was so happy to see him. I hugged him and kissed him with my mom right there. I couldn't help myself. Even though I'd spent a whole week with him it was still nice to see him again. He even offered to help make lunch, so there we were standing side by side, preparing food. It's weird but for some reason that made me happier than I could even describe. I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for coming over.
My dad showed up right as I was about to tell Mom about the trip. We all sat down and it seemed fine, then it happened. My dad freaked again. He got angry at Lex for what had happened, which was totally insane since he had nothing to do with why I flew to China. Lex was furious and I don't blame him. He left before we could finish lunch.
I don't understand what happened. One minute we were all laughing and eating, and then suddenly everything went wrong. Lex tried to reason with my dad, but it just made thing worse. It turned into a shouting match between me and my father with Lex standing right there between us. I was so furious. It took all my willpower to keep my hands at my sides. I wanted to smash something with my fists. I told my dad to back off, but Lex was already headed out the door. I couldn't convince him to stay. He told me I should finish my lunch, and then made up an excuse about having to go anyway. I watched helplessly as Lex drove off. I asked him if he wanted me to go with him, but he said he'd talk to me later.
How could Dad blame Lex for what happened? It's not like Lex even knew I was going to fly to China. I thought Dad and I had already worked things out yesterday, but I guess talking to me wasn't good enough. I told him off and smashed the back door on my way out. I wasn't in the mood to care at the time, and I know I shouldn't have broken something out of angry, but I was frustrated and so angry. A small part of me deep down inside wanted to show my dad just who he was dealing with.
I'm still angry at him for the way he treated Lex. After all this time he still can't accept who I love. I haven't seen Dad since the fight and I don't intend to talk to him. He has to apologize to Lex before I'll forgive him for this. I can't figure out why he's so furious. I heard the things he said and they just didn't make any sense.
Mom was here just a few minutes ago, asking if I needed anything. I promised to fix the back door just as soon as Dad wasn't around. I told her I'd be staying in the loft all night if I have to. It's a really nice night. Maybe Chloe wants some company.
~
01:21 pm
I'm here
It's been an annoying weekend for the most part. I'm avoiding home because Dad and I are not speaking. After the way he treated Lex at lunch on Saturday, I couldn't stay at home. I went into town to see if Chloe needed some company. She was home working on an essay, so I bunked down with her all weekend. I know I shouldn't hide, but I don't want to speak to Dad until he's willing to apologize and he isn't. I did make one last attempt yesterday when I went to pick up my laptop and backpack. He won't budge on his view of Lex, so I told him where I'd be if he had some sense knocked into him.
I did call Lex to see how he was doing. He said he was fine and that he had a lot of catching up to do with work. He said he'd be in meetings all week.
I slept on the sofa at Chloe's place. Lana has moved out and they are officially broken up, though Chloe said they've slept together a few times since they split. Lois showed up yesterday. She was in a cheerful mood. She went on and on about this new guy she's been dating.
That was pretty much my weekend. I'm in the Torch office, hiding out. I have an article to turn in about the school track meet. Our team did really well this time. There's this new student who's really good. I'm supposed to interview him for the article. I guess I should probably go do that since Chloe has been on me to get this written. Why is it that I'm always late with these things? I think if I ever became a reporter for a real paper, I'd still be late and my editor would still be on my ass to get my stories in on time.
I wonder what Lex would think if I told him that I'm seriously considering a career in journalism? I should probably call to see how he's doing.
~
01:28 pm
I'm home again
I think I was driving Chloe and Lois crazy, so last night I went home. I had dinner with Mom in the kitchen while Dad was out in the field. Then I went out to the field to help with the evening chores. Dad only spoke to me about the chores and when he brought up anything else, I refused to speak to him. I have to admit that I showed off a little. I didn't hide my displeasure at his behavior and then when he finally asked me how long I would be angry at him, I reminded him that as long as he kept blaming Lex for my actions nothing would change between him and me. Dad did say he was sorry and that maybe he shouldn't have gone off on Lex that way, but... and I cut him off before he could say anything more. I told him that if there was a 'but', I did not care. I have no desire to listen to his stupid excuses for his hate towards the man I love. I am so frustrated that I want to smash everything in my path.
I called Lex last night to let him know I was thinking about him. He seemed okay. He said he was very busy with work and stuff.
I almost went to put the stone in the wall last night. I stared at it for a long time, thinking about what I am and where I come from and where I've been. I don't want my life to change. I want to be with Lex. I want to go to school and see my friends and be with my parents. Even if my dad is pissing me off lately, I don't want to lose any of what I have.
I put the stone back in its hiding place and lay in bed for hours wondering when my life would finally stop being so complicated. I never did get any sleep last night. I'm so tired of this. I just want to cry.
~
11:04 am
I still didn't get sleep
I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. I spent most of the night tossing and turning and fighting the insomnia that I've developed over the last few days. Today is going to suck. Dad is picking me up after school. We have some errands to run. I'm not looking forward to it. He isn't being hostile or anything and he hasn't said anything nasty about Lex, but he hasn't said he was sorry either. Breakfast was tense this morning.
At least Chloe is happy with me. I did that interview she asked for and she loved it. She said it was my best work yet.
~
09:41 am
I'm doing it
I have to get this over with. I'm going to place the last stone in the cave. I can't change who or what I am, and no amount of denial or hiding will make it go away. I wish I could call Lex and tell him, but I don't want him anywhere near this. I want him safe. Once it's over and I know what I'm in for, he's going to be the first person I tell.
I spent almost the whole night thinking about it. Mom found me still awake, staring at the stone. We had a talk. Actually, I talked and she mostly listened. I unloaded about how upset I've been about Dad's attitude, about my fear that the stones mean my life will change forever and about being an alien. My mom is so amazing. When I told her I still feel apart from everybody else around me because of my heritage, she held me in her arms and told me that I'm more human and anyone she knows.
I didn't want to break free of her arms. I felt so safe and loved, but I knew I had to. When I finally did, almost an hour had passed. She insisted she fix me breakfast before I go, so we went downstairs and she made me pancakes. Dad wasn't up when I finally left to go to the caves.
I'm starting to feel like maybe I should have told Lex. I could have asked him to stay away until I knew what the stones did.
~
01:32 pm
My world did change
I went to Alaska.
I put the stone in the cave and something happened. I never would have guessed that it would take me to a barren far away place like the arctic, but that's just what it did. Something told me to throw it as far as I could and I can throw pretty far. Then the ground started to shake and the snow where i'd thrown the crystal caved in. I watched in amazement as long, thick crystal towers thrust up from the gaping hole, high into the air. The structure was huge. I walked through deep snow to get to it. I didn't feel the cold and I was anxious to find out exactly what I'd just created.
It was incredible. It was a piece of my home world. I couldn't believe my eyes. My new fortress of solitude was build from the assembled pieces of that crystal. It was beautiful and barren and cold and desolate, but somehow it felt like home. When I finally made it inside, I found a formation of crystals that looked way too organized to be random. One of the crystals flew from the panel right to my hand, and the voice of Jor-El addressed me. He told me that this formation was a representation of my home world and that it was made just for me so that I could start the training I would need to help mankind. Then I was caught in a beam of clear light that played images in front of my eyes. The images were of Kryptonian language and what looked like scenes from Krypton and Earth and Jor-El began to explain what would happen next.
But then something shocking happened. I could hear Lex call out to me. At first I thought it was just in my head, but I looked past the images and saw Lex curled up in a ball on the cold floor of the fortress just a few feet away. He was shaking uncontrollably and calling for me to help him. I broke the hold the fortress had on me and ran to Lex's side. He's wasn't dressed for the weather. He was shivering and his teeth were chattering. He tried to tell me what he was doing there, but I told him to save his voice, because I needed to get him out of there. I was immune to the cold, but Lex wasn't. His face was already covered in frost and he was shaking so badly, I was terrified he'd die before I had a chance to get him someplace warm. I took my coat and flannel shirt off and put them on Lex, and wrapped my arms around him, holding him as close to my body as I could. He was so cold.
Jor-El said I had to continue my training, but I explained that I couldn't. I needed to get Lex somewhere warm. I told my father that I loved Lex more than anyone in the world and that I would give up everything to save his life. He said my human emotions are my weakness and that I can't put one person's life above the fate of the entire planet. At first, Jor-El said he couldn't let me go, but he finally relented. He told me that he would be waiting for me to return for my training. I took Lex into my arms and ran as fast as I could.
We ended up in a hospital in Alaska. Lex had some frostbite, but he was okay. I was so relieved. I stayed by his bedside the whole time he was there. We had a long talk about why I hid the stone from him and what it did. Everything is great between us now. I call my parents to let them know where we were. Mom was frantic. She said there was a meteor shower in our town. Our barn was hit, but the house is okay. She said it wasn't as bad as the first one that brought me to earth. I told her I couldn't come home right at that moment because Lex was still in the hospital under observation. I tried to tell her everything that had happened, but my mind was in turmoil from the past few hours.
It turned out she'd been afraid for me and had gone to Lex to tell him to watch out for me. Then when I left to put the stone in the wall, she called Lex right away. Lex followed me to the cave and got sucked into whatever had pulled me to the Arctic. He didn't see the fortress being made because he was unconscious when it happened.
I don't know what's going to happen next. All I know is putting that stone in the wall did change my life. I now have a piece of my heritage closer to me than I ever thought possible. I can't wait to find out what the fortress will teach me. Lex said we can talk later about how to handle my training. I can't believe he's been so accepting of all this. Lex told me that he loved me unconditionally and that whatever I faced in the future would be his fate as well. I looked into his eyes and saw pure love. It was the most amazing moment of my life.
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