12:02a
Lex isn't home. I tried calling but nobody answered. I want to go over. I need to just get away from all of this, get away from the freak stuff that always seems to happen around here. I guess that isn't possible. No matter how hard I try. Even when I'm not trying to find trouble, it finds me.
My mom almost died today. If I hadn't been at the right place at the right time she would be ash right now. I don't even know how to think right now. This guy has this freak accident and then he comes into town. Without even realizing it he wreaks havoc on the people around me, thinking he was helping them. I stopped him just before he killed my friend's father, the one who had a heart attack.
Then this guy kills himself right in front of me before I can stop him.
Dad and I still aren't talking. I don't know what to say to him. Mom gave me this speech about regret, and then I gave Whitney a speech about that, too. It seems to be the topic of the day; that and death.
I'm so glad the day is over.
I want to go to the mansion now.
~
1:26p - I love Lex so much!!!!!
I told Lex about what happened to Whitney's dad. I can't believe how amazing Lex is. He's getting some of the key players of the Sharks to come all the way to Smallville to play a game with Whitney so his father can watch his son fulfill a dream.
Lex just called to tell me what he'd arranged. He asked me to wait for him at school since the players would be coming there to play tonight. I am so excited!
He is so amazing.
~
1:59p - Gah!!!&%@#
I fell asleep in Lex's bed last night. I had no intention of doing it but when I went over he wasn't home and nobody was around. There was one security guy at the gate, but I bypassed him with my speed. I think I'm getting faster.
I looked all over for him and when I didn't find him I went up to his room just to wait for him. I dozed off and when I woke up next it was morning and Lex was on top of me. It was the best wake-up call ever. He was licking my nipples and I was so hard it hurt. He was hard, too. I resisted the urge to shove him into the mattress and kiss him as hard as I could. I was so happy to see him.
It's like when I'm alone with him there is this part of me that comes out and it feels more real than any other part of me that I have ever shown to anybody. I needed him so badly and I told him. I told him with as much honesty as I could. I wanted, no, I needed him to believe how important he is to me. I love him more than I can ever express anywhere.
This morning I expressed it in the shower. I wanted to rip his clothes off right there on the bed; instead I asked if we could go take a shower together. He gladly accepted.
I have never felt so free and open with anybody before. I stripped in front of him shamelessly, and teased him to follow me to the shower. I felt like I was where I belonged. He makes me feel so comfortable with myself.
I totally forgot I hadn't worn underwear last night. Lex was pleasantly surprised. I love to put that smile on his face. I wish I could do that every single day.
He willingly let me drag him into the shower and as soon as he was in the stall with me I got on my knees and sucked him off. (I think I want to suck him off in every single room in the mansion. I know his place has a lot of rooms.) This time I made sure to draw it out as long as I could. And I swallowed. I can still taste him in my mouth.
Then he sucked me off, and the sight of Lex on his knees, sucking me, is so hot I get hard just thinking about it. I am so glad I already had gym class today.
Lex pulled his mouth off my cock just as I was about to climax and had me come all over his chest and face. I guess he likes that, or maybe it was being in the shower since the water washes it all away. I feel like I marked him somehow. I think he wants me to mark him.
I can't wait to see him again. Even if it's in public and I blush so hard I combust.
~~~~~~~~
11:55 pm - The game was a hit!!
Like the subject says things were so amazing. Lex was thanked by all. I can't wait to thank him in private. My dad and I made up. We're going fishing on Sunday. I still don't really want to go, but Lex said I should. He's right. Dad just wants to spend time with me, and for to be happy.
I get Friday night to myself since mom and dad are going out to dinner. I think I'll see if Lex is available. I want to try this thing with my tongue. I brought an extra blanket out to the loft so we won't get cold.
I got a chance to talk to Lana at the game. She seemed in better spirits.
After dad and I got back from the game I was in such a good mood. I need to get to bed now. I have so much work to do in the morning since I skipped chores tonight.
~~~~~~
1:05a - I couldn't imagine...
... What it would be like to have a father like Lex's dad. My dad seems to dislike Mr. Big to the point of projecting that dislike on Lex. I have never held it against Lex who his father is. I know Lex doesn't hold who my father is against me. I'm just a farmer's son. My dad isn't perfect. He forces me to be something I'm not sometimes.
So I understood when Lex told me what he did.
I understand trying to live up to what your father wants. I try to do that every day. I'm going on a fishing trip that I don't want to go on to make my dad happy. I want my dad to be proud of me. I want him to be happy with the son he raised.
But more and more I see that it will never happen. My dad expects me to do great things. He tells me I am meant for so much more, and that one day I will live up to that. I have no doubt that Lex hears the same thing from his father.
It's an expectation that part of me hates, and part of me strives to live up to every single day.
I can't imagine what it's like to be Lex, to live in his world. He's one of the strongest people I have ever met. I know a little bit about his life before he came to Smallville. He told me his father sets only one limitation which is to not cause a scandal and to not get caught. I imagine his relationship with me is one of those 'don't get caught things.'
He said he needed to get a message across to his father in a way that Mr. Big would understand. Sometimes words aren't enough, and I get that. I had to make my dad believe that I was freaked over the car accident so I shoved my arm in the wood chipper. A dramatic action to let him know I was serious.
Sometimes dramatic is all some people understand.
I have done things that I never told my dad about. Things that I think he would not be proud of. I can't imagine drugging somebody and driving them to my father to get a message across, but I can imagine other things. I have never hurt another person on purpose, but I've been forced to hurt people.
Did Lex feel like he was forced to do what he did? Maybe I should ask him.
I need to think on this some more. Dad has everything ready for the trip and I need sleep.
~
10:46p - Fishing and father son bonding
We fished and caught nothing. It was nice. Not as horrible as I thought it would be, but it was nice to be with dad. He seemed really happy so that was all that mattered to me. We ate the lunch my mom made for us and talked about the upcoming season. Dad loves to speculate about whether it will be a good year or not. He's predicting a good year.
My dad isn't really all that hard to please sometimes. He'd an honest, hardworking man.
I gave him exactly what he wanted until the end. Then on the way home I asked him something. I asked him to please try harder with Lex. I told him that Lex is important to me. He promised that things will change, and that the game made him see that Lex is not at all like his father.
When we got home I was so relieved to have a shower and wash the river off. Mom made my favorite for dinner, and after I ate I did my homework. I guess it's not that bad to have a tradition, and if it makes my dad happy, I think I can live with it.
~
11:13p - Changes
The trip was not terrible. I had an okay time. We didn't catch anything. We did sit and stew a lot and talk a lot. I wasn't really sure how to get through to dad about how things have changed for me. I am not the same boy anymore. I think he just wants to pretend it isn't happening. I know he hates that one day I will leave and become something different.
Ever since Lex hit me with his car my life has been turned upside down. I figured out one of the reasons dad doesn't like him; he blames Lex for forcing him to tell me the truth. I think if it wasn't for that accident, dad would have kept the secret for as long as possible. I love my dad but I have to admit I hated him just for a moment when I found out how much of a freak I really am. He kept this secret from me for all these years.
Towards the end of our trip I brought Lex up. I asked dad why he hates him so much. Dad, of course, denied that he hates Lex. I called him on it, and before I knew it we were shouting into each other's faces. That was when he yelled that if it hadn't been for Lex our lives (his life) would be so much easier. I dragged it out of him what he meant by that.
At first I was so ticked I ran off, but after ten minutes I went back. Dad was still just sitting there staring into the water. I told him I'm not a boy anymore. Even though I'm the son he's raised all these years, I'm an alien, a freak, and no amount of denial will ever change that. At first he told me to stop, but then I showed him. I lifted a tree trunk above my head to emphasis my point.
Then I told him that the day Lex hit me with his car was one of the best days of my life. I told him I was glad it happened, and that now I can deal with something I should have already been dealing with all my life. After I said that dad didn't say anything else.
He can't hate somebody for taking away something he never had. Dad thinks he can control this. I love him and mom. That is never going to change, but they have to let me be me. In the end this is what dad doesn't like. He knows that Lex is bringing something out in me that nobody else ever has; the real me. And it's not 'the me' he ever imagined I'd become.
Even after all this I still couldn't tell him what Lex really means to me. I did tell him one thing. I told him that one day I am going to tell Lex what I am. He was not happy, but I think he needed to hear it. I felt so brave, telling him that.
It's funny, even though I can bench-press a house, I am still afraid of my father.
~~~~~~~~~~
10:07p - totally not me
Mr. K hit Lex in the face. I wasn't really sure how to feel about this at first. I mean, I know I didn't like it. I kept most of what thought to my self. I told myself I'm just overprotective, but the real truth is I don't like it when he's hurt. You'll think well, duh, freak, nobody likes a loved one to get hurt. I know it seems common sense but Lex is not just anybody, and what I feel for him isn't just over protectiveness.
When I did the deliveries today I had to change my route around since we have a few new clients. So Lex wasn't in his office to say hello, like he usually is. I did run into Mr. K. This was a weird encounter for me since a small part of me wanted to punch his lights out. I can admit that here. Most people who know me can say I'm a very quiet person. I would never hurt anybody on purpose. At least that was the case a few years ago. Now it seems like they are fighting for the privilege of my fist in their face.
It's not as bad as it sounds. Like I said I hate it when my friends get hurt, so I always step in whenever I can.
I didn't hit him. I did however tell him that Lex is my priority number one and that he is who I would stand behind no matter what action Lex took. I'm not saying I will blindly stand by. I think I threatened Mr. K. I have never done something like that before. It didn't hit me, that I had done it, until I was at the next stop on my delivery route.
I told him to never punch Lex again, and implied that something bad would happen to him if he did. The truth is I don't really think I'd do anything. Or maybe I would.
I feel weird about this. I mean I know I would do the same thing for my mom or dad. I just never thought there would ever be another person I would feel so strongly for.
~~~~~~~~~
12:36a - I dress up
To go see Lex and I find him in jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt. I can't seem to catch a break. I had a boring night last night. Lex didn't call back until the next day. He was busy with fiscal year end (what ever that means).
When I went by the mansion to see him, it was like I'd just walked into the twilight zone. I found Lex and Mr. K in the office with empty Slurpee cups. I walked in and thought I was in the wrong house. I have never seen Lex so relaxed when he was dressed. He looked so happy, and just relaxed.
I'm happy they're getting along better now, but do they have to get along so well? I mean, I trust Lex completely. It's just; he'd never ask me to do that kind of stuff. They played hooky today. Lex said that he and Mr. K. went for a drive, in my car. Not that it's actually my car; it's just the car that Lex and I go for drives in. and he took him for a drive in it. And drank Slurpees in it.
I don't understand. Just a few days ago Mr. K punched Lex out and now they're sharing a car ride, and drinking Slurpees. Plus Lex was in jeans. He never wears jeans for me. I never asked him to but still. . .
And then he said something about a car hood. What was he doing with him and a car hood? I didn't want to know. All I know is they looked really happy when I walked in on them and Mr. K was laughing. Plus Slurpees.
I wanted to take Lex for Slurpees. I would have taken him for Slurpees if I'd known it was something he wanted to do.
Mr. K. left us alone and after Lex agreed that some time soon we could go for Slurpees, we played a game of pool. He won the two games we played, but I don't really care. It was nice to be near him, although it sucked to have those Slurpee cups taunting me.
Then we made out for a while. I could taste the cherry coke Slurpee on his lips. It was so nice to just kiss and be together.
I wish Lex would wear jeans more often. He looked soooooooooo hot in them.
~~~~~
11:15a - ###
Yesterday was so exciting. (Said with sarcasm because that doesn't translate well to the page)
I didn't really get to see Lex much. When I saw his car outside the Talon I went in to say hi, but he was busy with Mr. K and Chloe. Unfortunately I couldn't join them since I had a bunch of things to do.
While I was there I ran into Pete so I asked him to give me a ride home. We stopped at his place for a few hours to shoot some hoops. We've both been so busy with our English paper that I haven't really had much of a chance to hang out with him. We talked about the upcoming formal. He already has a list of girls he wants to ask. He urged me to forget about Lana, and I told him that I do realize she is seeing Whitney. Then he brought up the idea of asking Chloe to go. I didn't say anything to that. I haven't really thought about it much since I found out, and since she hasn't brought it up I guess she decided to leave it alone.
Of course there is no way I could ever go with who I want to go with. Most likely I won't go at all. I'm not that crazy about those things any way.
~
2:30p - Feel like a jerk
When I saw AJL's car parked in front of the Talon I was so excited. But when I went in and saw that he was there with Feegan that excitement died.
I know I shouldn't begrudge him a friend. I don't, but there is this small part of me that is so afraid he'll see just how boring I am and move on to somebody like Feegan. How am I supposed to compete? Feegan is his age and way more worldly. He's better looking and has way more in common with Lex. I know I shouldn't feel insecure, but it's hard not to. I have to stop being this way. Lex deserves better. I totally blew him off yesterday, and that was not fair to him.
I was just so surprised to see them there together. Even Chloe and Lana were there with them.
When I walked in, they were all laughing and having such a good time. And Lex looked so at ease. He never looks that way with me.
I know it's just dumb jealousy, but I can't help it. I'll just have to keep it in control for AJL's sake. I need to be way more mature about this.
~~~~~
10:38p - Just to get my feelings out and maybe figure out what the heck is going on in my brain.
He's right. Lex is right. I am so jealous of Feegan, and it's stupid and irrational since I know Lex would never sleep with him. I just think back to the way I felt when he told me what he did with Victoria and I freeze inside. I thought I'd put that behind me, behind us. I mean, I know he won't do anything with Feegan. (The guy is sleeping with his father so there is no way Lex would go there)
Then I do all the wrong things and say all the wrong words. I forced him to tell me I was everything and I did it at a moment when he was most vulnerable. He doesn't seem to mind but I hate that I did it. I hate it! I want it to go away and never have happened.
I thought if I asked him to do it to me that maybe things would be better. Like if I could give it to him he'd feel better or I'd feel better. It was a stupid thing to think. I know I want him to fuck me one day. I dream about it. I fantasize about him taking control of me and making me feel human.
He said that if I knew how much he wanted me it would scare me. He's not in a rush to get there. I think it was the wrong time to bring it up. I know it was. I was grasping at anything. I thought I had already explained to him what all of this, what him liking me, means.
I've never been the kind of guy that anybody has ever wanted to be with. Lex is the first person to ever show this much interest in me. Normally I am teased and taunted and picked last and strung up in a field and all those things. I try to fly under the radar. It doesn't always help. I know Lex doesn't see me that way.
It's hard to show him what all those years of being a freak have done. And now that I know just how much of a freak I am, where do I go from here?
We tried to play a game of pool except I broke the pool cue in half. I didn't even realize I'd done it until I heard the crack. We'd just started playing and I was thinking about Lex and Feegan. I don't usually lose control like that, but then my mind had totally wandered. It's like my stupid body wanted to remind me of what I am. (Like I could ever forget.)
~
11:58p - honesty
Honest. That is all he wants me to be.
Okay let me try this.
Dear Lex,
I'm an alien that fell to earth with the meteor rocks. I caused you to go bald. You hit me with your car on the bridge. If it wasn't for me this town would be a better place and a lot of people would be better off.
Yours truly,
Clark the alien Kent.
~~~~
12:09a - Lex
is going away for a few days on business.
We've been dealing with a rough period. We have things we need to work through. I have issues. I know we can work it out. I am determined to get past things in my own head that I know are blocking me. I care too much about us and what we have.
I want to be honest from now on about what I'm feeling.
~~~~
9:51a - @_@
I have so much work to do today. Dad asked me to stay close to home. Yesterday at lunch mom was quiet like she was thinking hard about something. I'm not sure what but my parents have been distant. I hope they didn't have a fight. I didn't hear anything, but I went out to the far field last night to be alone.
Mom and I went into town yesterday to do some shopping. She seemed fine then, but later on in the evening she seemed, I don't know, lost or something. I feel this sense of gloom today. I fell asleep late last night and woke up early. I had the nightmare again. It seemed so real.
It's funny, usually when I go into town I stop in and talk to a few people but I really wasn't in the mood. I didn't even go into the Talon to see if Lana was working. When mom and I went to the department store owned by Whitney's family I stayed away from Whitney. He saw me but we just seemed to mutually agree to ignore each other. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody. Maybe all this is just the change of season.
Dad and I are going to get the tractor fixed. We need another part for it, so I'm off to the next county over with my dad. A friend of his says he has an extra part that he can give to us for nothing. Dad will offer him something in exchange. He always does. Maybe I could do some work for him around his farm. He's older and can't really do as much work as he used to.
I think maybe I'm going to try to talk to mom tonight. I could use a different perspective. I'm not sure how much to say or leave out. I can't exactly tell her what I did to Lex. I doubt mom would be all that thrilled with me.
~~~~~~
7:52a - Why do I bother?
I talked to mom last night after dinner. I don't even know why I bothered. She just told me that I have to lie. I told her how much it hurt. I stressed how much it hurt, and all she could say was she was sorry that I have to lie to my friends. I'll just have to pretend for the rest of my life that I am human like the rest of them.
I suppose this is some kind of cosmic Karma for all those deaths the meteors cause. Maybe the hurt I feel every time I lie to Lex is a fair exchange for all the ways my being here has hurt other people. But it's so hard, and I feel like it's tearing me apart whenever we're close.
I think maybe I will have to just cool things down completely with Lex. I just hope he understands. I have a feeling when he knows the truth he will hate me. I wouldn't blame him. I hate myself right now.
He's supposed to come back some time tomorrow. I won't be able to put him off forever.
~
10:41p - &*(
I went by the mansion today to drop off the Monday delivery. I knew Lex wasn't going to be there. He's still away on business. I got a chance to talk to Mr. K. He was really cool about how I've been acting lately. He told me that I should go straight to him from now on if I have a problem. I told him I would, but the truth is I don't really have a problem with him. Yes I was jealous, but that's over. I know who Lex wants to be with. I know it's me.
School was triple loads of boredom today. After I finished the deliveries I had a ton of chores to do.
My dad is currently fixing a part from his motorcycle on the kitchen table. I know I shouldn't smile when I hear my mom yell at him for it, but it just makes me so happy to hear things back to normal around here.
I have a huge pile of homework waiting for me. I guess I should get to that.
~~~~~~~~~
10:01p - I guess I'm doing it
Everybody around me seems to think I would make a great class president so I'm going to run. Even mom and dad, who usually want me out of the spotlight, said I should. Since that's settled I guess I have a lot of work ahead of me. My best friend Pete is very sure that I will win. Lana thinks I would do a great job. She said all these really cool things about me that I never even realized she saw. It was so nice to hear them.
I have a slogan now thanks to Lex. He came up with it. What do you think?
'Man of tomorrow'
It sounds catchy doesn't it? I called Pete up right away to let him know what my new slogan is, and he said he was on it. When I asked what he meant, he told me to just sit back and let him take care of everything.
I was so happy to see Lex today. I went by to ask if he knew about the Talon losing business.
When I dropped by the Talon to see Lana she was really upset about it. I want her to succeed and I know she can. I just hope things don't fall apart. Lex told me she has to make it on her own. At first I thought he was being a little harsh but then I realized he's right. If he does things for her then he would have been the one that succeeds, but if he leaves it to her she can feel the pride of the results.
I know our time apart really helped and now I'm not as anxious about things as I was before.
~~~~~
8:06p - I can't believe my friend isn't behind me!
Pete and Lana both have confidence in me, but Chloe doesn't seem to. She's right about needing a platform and deciding what I stand for, but I still can't believe she endorsed one of the other candidates.
At least Pete is behind me 100 %. You wouldn't believe the amount of work he's put into my campaign. He's so gun-ho, making flyers, t-shirts, and buttons. I'm so excited now.
I have met more people today than I think I've met the whole time I've been in high school. I got invitations to parties and everything. I even have some guarantied votes. Lana is voting for me. She has complete faith in me, unlike Chloe.
Even if I don't win at least I'm having fun.
Pete and I went by the Talon. Things were still pretty bad. The only customers were Whitney and his football palls and that girl Lana has told me about. While I was there I ran into Lex. He stopped by to see how things were going and basically told Lana that she has to make it on her own. He let her know that it's up to her whether she sinks or swims. I totally understand where he's coming from, but she didn't seem too happy about his stance. I just wish she'd try to understand that he isn't waiting for her to fail. I know Lex is just trying to give her the confidence she needs to make it work on her terms. It's just like he said to me when I asked him if he could give me any tips for how to campaign. He told me I could win on my own merits.
Lex and I had our coffees to go and headed over to the mansion. He did help me out on what I could write about in my speech. Now when I go over to see Lana I'll know what to put in the speech.
~
9:42p - Lex is so hot
How am I supposed to keep my hands to myself when he jumps on me like that? As soon as Lex and I were alone, locked in his office, he pushed me to the sofa. He was on top of me and I just wanted to rip his clothes off. I refrained and only pulled his pants down so I could get to his cock. I couldn't help it. I didn't jerk off the whole time he was gone. I wanted to wait for him.
It was worth the wait. I lay back on the sofa and held him over me. I was so anxious to taste him that I didn't even care if he noticed how strong I am. I was as careful as I could be, holding the hottest hips in my hands. Lex has the most incredible body. I love to touch and caress and just lick him all over. The feel of his hot skin under my fingers made me so hard. Everything about him made me hard.
I loved giving him some control. When I had him above me I urged him to thrust into my mouth. I wanted him to thrust hard. It's not like he can hurt me, and I discovered I don't really have a gag reflex so when he shoves his cock down my throat all it does is make me want to swallow, which I did, gladly. He was shuddering and shaking above me.
After he came I settled him down on top of me. He literally collapsed in my arms. He was so beautiful, and it was all for me, because of me. It's embarrassing to admit that I drifted off. I don't really know how long I was out for, but when I woke up Lex was on his knees with my cock in his hand. The look in his eyes made me want to jump him. Instead I lay back and enjoyed the most incredible blow job ever. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was so hot and amazing; I wanted him to stay there forever, except I didn't last very long.
After he sucked me off we talked about my campaign and what I should say in my speech. He's so great at asking the right questions. Thanks to him I have a better idea of what I want to do for our school if I actually get elected. The feeling of him on top of me, stroking my arm made me hard again. I was so happy.
Being touched by Lex is the most wonderful experience. He touches me like I am breakable, and like I'm the most precious thing in the world to him. I love when he strokes my hair. It makes me feel so loved.
~~~~~
11:30p - Bees are not my friend
I just had to wait with Lana while her aunt came to get her. We were at the Talon writing my speech when bees attacked us. I managed to get us out of there, and neither one of us was stung. I guess it's true about that girl in my class and what she can do. I confronted her and she threatened to hurt people around me. She wants me to drop out of the election.
I am more determined now to stop her. I can't believe she would go this far to win a school election. She's usually such a quiet girl, but I guess the bees and the pressure got to her.
It's been a hard day. My friend Pete had me all over the place today. I met tons more people. I'm not really mad at my friend Chloe for not endorsing me in her newspaper article. She went with who she thought would do the best job. I just wanted her to believe in me and when I found out she didn't, it hurt. I've always believed in her. I know it isn't personal but... it sort of is.
I couldn't do the deliveries today. The Wednesday deliveries had to be changed to Thursday and it figures I miss the first new day. I was too busy schmoozing. I didn't get to see Lex. My dad did the deliveries. I hope Lex didn't ask him to play a game of pool.
I can't believe how much work Pete has put into this election. He's such a great friend.
I still have to write a speech. I know what I want to say now I just have to figure out how to say it.
I better get on that.
~~~~~
6:30p - Make up and more bees
Everything is finally over. I didn't get elected class president but I don't really care. At least the bee-girl didn't win either. I told Chloe just how much she means to me. I know I haven't been fair to her lately, and that is going to change. I vow to be way more attentive of our friendship. She's always been there for me in the past. I need to stop treating her so poorly. This time around when I got mad at her for not believing in me blindly, I know it wasn't personal on her part.
She and I went over to bee-girl's place to see what else she was up to, and it turns out bee girl sent her bees after my mom to get back at me. After I saved my mom, (who is fine) I went to check on bee-girl. I tried to tell her that eventually the bees would be too hard for her to control, but she was very stubborn. As I suspected the bees turned on her and attacked her, but I managed to stop them and save her. She's in the hospital now. She was stung badly. I'm just glad it's over.
I went to the victory party for the winner. It was held at the Talon which is busy again thanks to some tactics by Lana. The winner wasn't even there since he was still in the hospital. He was bee-girl's first victim. Lex was there and he looked so amazing. I could barely take my eyes off him. I want to go over to the mansion to see him. He looked so happy, and just hot. He was in these pants that made me want to jump him. I think I flirted with him right in the coffee shop.
After the party I had to get home to pack away the election things. I put them in storage and while I was doing it Lana stopped by. She was so nice and actually sat to listen to the speech I wrote. I have it in my pocket, and I'm headed to the mansion. I want to surprise Lex.
I don't know if I will be able to stop myself from just ripping off his clothes when I see him. I'm feeling very excited and happy tonight.
p.s.: this isn't really my mood but I thought it was so amusing.
~~~~~~
12:22a - ;-)
I just came back from the mansion. I don't know what came over me. When I arrived there was this woman leaving. She turned out to be a reporter. When I first saw her leaving I thought something else. I'm not sure what, but then when Lex didn't tell me who she was and why she was there, I asked point blank since he said to be honest. He answered.
I read my speech to him and he listened. I think he really liked it. We started something in his office but then moved it to the bedroom; the bedroom, the one where it happened. At first I was kind of freaked and didn't know what to do. I kept thinking about what he felt like, and how tight he is. Lex could tell and got a little annoyed at me. He gave me a chance to talk about it but I just couldn't. I didn't know what to say. I thought for sure he'd throw me out.
Instead I decided to fulfill one of my fantasies. I have been thinking about this for a while. I undressed Lex but kept his shirt on his arms so that he couldn't move them. Then I got on my knees. I sucked him off and held onto his wrists. He totally loved it. I made him come hard. It was amazing, having that control over him.
After he came and I swallowed, my favorite part, I kissed him and told him he's mine. Just so he won't forget. Then I asked him to suck me off. He took off his shirt and pushed me back against the bed and sucked me off on his knees. It's as hot as I thought it would be.
After that we climbed under the covers, both of us naked. I love the feel of his skin against mine. It's so sexy. He's so sexy. I love him. I want to fuck him again so badly.
~
6:39p - pictures of Lex and me
Chloe e-mailed these awesome pictures of Lex and me that she took at the Talon party the other night. I wanted to put them somewhere that nobody would find. She's so funny. Her e-mail was titled the 'look of love'. Ha, Ha.
I just love that she caught Lex smiling. He looks so relaxed in these pictures. I look like a total dork, as always, but Lex looks amazing. I think I'll print one and put it in my wallet. Not sure which one to pick yet. I'm leaning toward the one where he's smiling.
7:57p - No excitement today
I pretty much spent most of the day doing work. The busy season is about to start and dad needs me every chance I can spare. Lex went to some thing in the city for a few days so I've been keeping myself very busy.
I went into town with mom to run some errands. Then when I got home she cut my hair. It was getting way too long. I like it short, out of my eyes and off my ears.
I didn't really do much else. I think I'm going to head into town to have a coffee, or maybe see a movie or something. Mom said I should get out.
Maybe I'll go see what Lana is up to. If she's up for a movie. That would be nice. I haven't really had a chance to talk to her lately. I think she might need a friend since things with her and Chloe don't seem to be going all that well.
Ooh and tomorrow I get to take the hunk-of-junk tractor out to start the field prep. I have to go around with a trailer and pick up all the stones etc. that are in the field. Yeah, what fun.
~~~~~~~~~~
11:15p - Lex back and movie night
I'm tired now. I spent the day clearing stones from the fields. I even stumbled on a meteor rock, but dad was there to help. It's really not a very exciting chore. Although when I went by to see Lex I had nothing else to talk about so I kind of rambled on about it. I felt like a total dork so I shut up.
I really wanted to make a good impression so I showered, and dressed up nice. When I got to the mansion Lex and Mr. K were eating dinner. I felt real awkward interrupting them but they invited me to join them at the table. I wasn't hungry since I'd already eating dinner. Maybe I should have pretended since it was really uncomfortable. They seemed fine until I got there. I thought maybe I said or did something wrong, but I swear I didn't even give them a weird look. At least I don't think I did.
Mr. K. made a quick exit after some weird comments between him and Lex. I didn't ask. I thought it was my fault, but Lex assured me it wasn't my fault. After he left Lex and I went to play some pool. It was so nice and relaxing. We did a lot of kissing and hugging. I think he loved my hair cut because he couldn't take his hands off my hair. It felt great. I really like when he touches my hair.
Lex looked amazing tonight. He's so sexy. I wish I could carry myself the way he does. He always looks so poised. I e-mailed him these pictures Chloe took of us together so he could have a copy of them. He looks amazing in them. He's so relaxed and smiling. I loved them.
On Saturday night I ended up going to see a movie with Lana. I let her pick the movie. We saw Ella Enchanted. It was cute. I really had a nice time. We just relaxed and decided to take the night off from heavy talk. She seemed really happy, and a lot more at ease than I've seen her in a while.
~~~~~~~~
11:44p - just keeping my dim mouth shut
Even when I am being cool about Mr. K he acts like I hate him. He pulled me into his office today when I was doing deliveries to talk to me about Sunday. I had no idea he was so upset. I would never hit him and he actually thinks that I would! I was so surprised. Most people who know me would think that I am totally harmless and I am.
He even called me dim. I'm not dim.
I felt bad that I interrupted their dinner. I probably should have just waited in another room while they ate.
Next time I think I'll call ahead.
Lana and I decided to do the major history project together. It's probably going to take a lot of my time this week, but it's a third of the class grade so we really have to do a great job with it.
~~~~~~
11:28p - My dad thinks I'm too trusting
Today while I was doing chores a lady stopped to ask for directions. She was nice and seemed a little tired. She wanted directions to the Medical Center. She asked me for a glass of water so I let her in and gave her one. She was really nice. We talked for a bit.
My dad got home just as she was about to leave. His reaction totally puzzled me. I have always been taught to help others when they are in need. So directions and a glass of water isn't a huge need, but should it matter what the need is?
I told her that she should come back and try out the quiet of the country (she was from the city).
After she left dad lectured me. I was never in any danger. He said silly stuff like, what if she had been a reporter or something like that. When did my dad get so suspicious? This lady, Pam, was just a nice person who lost her way.
I told my dad that he needed to get a grip. I actually used those words.
I hope Pam is okay. She seemed kind of sad.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:13a - Next time I'll make sure that we're in a locked room
Last night Lex came by. We hadn't seen each other in a few days so he thought he'd stop in to say hello. I really love when he does that. It was late and mom and dad had turned in early. I'd just finished saying good night to Lana. She and I spent a few hours working on the project. It's a lot more time-consuming than we thought it would be.
I was so glad to see Lex. We fooled around for a bit. I feel so much braver now than I ever have in the past. I was the one who kissed him first. Kissing him makes me so excited. I feel silly saying this, but when I kiss him I feel lost in another world. Like nothing can ever hurt or touch us. I blurted out that he makes me feel real which when I look at it now makes no sense.
We started to talk about past experience with sex. I still find it hard to talk about it even though technically I've already done a lot of that kind of stuff. I feel like a geek, but Lex never makes fun of me for that. I can't even ask for what I want. I get so embarrassed when I try. I don't even know why.
While we were talking Lex did tease me a little, but in a good way. It was real torture. I even begged. Lucky for me he gave in and I got what I wanted. After that I felt a little guilty mostly because I wanted to return the favor. Unfortunately we were interrupted.
Lana had forgotten her history book. I was so embarrassed, but Lex just stood there like there was nothing out of the ordinary going on although he did blush at first. I wish I could do that. My pants were still unzipped. I thought I was going to die from the embarrassment. It must have been pretty obvious what Lex and I had been doing before she arrived. Thank goodness I was wearing boxers (I don't always wear them but last night I did have them on).
After she warned me that maybe my loft wasn't the best place to do what we'd been doing (She pointed out that my mom could have been the one that caught us. That just makes my head spin to think about. Although it would be way worse if it was my dad.), she took her book and left. Lana is just about the last person I ever wanted to have seen me making out with my boyfriend. Not to mention my pants undone. I don't think I'll be able to look her in the eyes for a while.
It's funny because earlier Lex and I had talked about which we prefer better, male or female. He said he liked guys more than girls and I had to agree. Then he made a crack about not having to be jealous of Lana anymore. I pointed out that I don't really have the right equipment since she is into girls.
We also talked about experience and how much he's used to getting when he's with somebody. I'm always afraid that what I give him isn't enough to satisfy. He did tell me that his libido knows no limit. That's kind of a scary thought.
He told me I'm beautiful and sexy. That was so embarrassing I changed the subject right away.
After Lana left I sucked him. My heart was pounding in my chest because what Lana said about my mom walking in on us came to mind right in the middle of it. I did this thing I read about on line with my finger. It really works just like the site says so I guess I did it right since he came pretty fast.
When we were finished getting his clothes back on, I told him that I love him. It felt so right in that moment.
We talked some more afterwards. It was so nice to just be in his arms. I feel safe there.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:29a - blow job in a truck a lot harder than it looks
If dad and mom knew that I just used the truck for sex I am sure they would be very unhappy.
I don't care. I just saw Lex sitting there and I had to bend down and blow him. His voice was so sexy. He has the sexiest voice ever. I get hard when I hear it for the first time in a day. Besides, I really didn't get to see him yesterday since we were both so busy.
I picked Lex up in my dad's truck, since mom and dad had the car. I don't think Lex was all that amused, but we needed to drive somewhere that a Ferrari can't get. I took him out to a secluded spot so we could have some privacy. It was so nice and quiet. I really love the quiet. Pam reminded me of that.
I had to give Lex my t-shirt because I came all over his shirt. I made a big mess. So he put my shirt on and he still looked sexy. I bet he'd look sexy in my flannel shirt, too. I just look goofy no matter what I wear.
I have a feeling something is going on with Lex. He was distant tonight after he jerked me off. It turns out it's the anniversary of his mother's death. He looked so sad and alone. My heart ached and I couldn't help but hug him. I think it helped a little. He still seemed sad when I dropped him off. I wish he'd talk to me, but he said he can't. I told him I'm here, but somehow I don't think he'll confide in me. I just have this feeling that it hurts too much. I know how he feels. When I think about my alien heritage the idea of voicing it to Lex makes me want to cry for a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:53p - It's been a normal weekend
I spent most of it with my mom. She needed a lot of things done. She also needed to take me shopping for new clothes. I ended up getting more than we thought since the store was having a sale. I think my mom planned it that way. She got me some new shoes, which I desperately needed since I wore out the old ones, and some new shirts: one red, two blue and a green one.
I also got three new t-shirts that were all red. That's my favorite color. Actually red and blue are my favorite colors. My mom always picks out my clothes. I just go to make sure the sizes are right. I did draw the line at brown corduroys. They were really gross. Besides, Lex would have hated them. They looked bad on me.
The new shoes are great. I love Hush Puppies. They always have my size. It's not easy to find size 14 shoes. I even got two new pairs of pants; a nice pair of dark blue jeans and a pair of grey khakis.
Mr. K. stopped by tonight. Everything is fine between us again. I was relieved about that.
The project is finally finished. I feel like I spent my whole life doing that thing. I think it turned out great though, so we should get a really good grade. I need to get a few things done before bed that I have been putting off.
~
11:55p
I think that woman I met a few days ago is from Lex's past. She might have been here to check me out.
All of Lex's posts are locked now except a few. I guess he doesn't want me to see. I don't want him to have to do that so maybe I should tell him that I'll stop reading it. I really hate invading his privacy.
This woman who I met seemed so nice. I don't really know the story, so tomorrow I plan on bringing it up in as delicate a way as possible with Lex. He seems so bitter I don't want him to close up on me. I have to be very careful or I might lose the opportunity to help. I want to help so badly. Sometimes I think there is no way I ever could since I have no idea what it's like to lose a parent. I guess I lost both of my biological parents, but I have no memory of them at all, so I don't think it's the same thing.
~~~~~~~~~~
4:20p
I feel so bad. I totally forgot to get Chloe and I tickets to this journalism thing that I promised Chloe I would attend with her. I was in charge of getting them and I completely forgot. I've been so busy lately that it slipped my mind. I will have to ask Lex if there is some way he can swing some passes for us.
I was so wrapped up in that class project and other things that I forgot a lot of other things.
~
11:40p - Gordian knots
I talked to Lex today when I dropped off the deliveries. He's really in bad shape. Somebody from his past is back and she wants something from him. I didn't really know what to say. I told him that he needs to do what is best for him.
I looked up Hephaestion; since Pam called me that on Lex's journal, and found out he was a close companion, possibly a lover of Alexander the Great. When I looked it up I also came across this real cool story about this impossible knot called the Gordian knot. I kind of see Lex that way; like something that's tied tight and impossible to undo.
I wanted to see if Lex would open up so I went over and told him that like Alexander with the Gordian knot I wanted to cut right to the heart of the matter instead of trying to untangle an impossible puzzle, and maybe get my fingers all bloody.
He opened up a little bit and told me about the woman who came to see me. I told him not to worry about me. She didn't hurt anybody by what she did. I understand why she wanted to meet me. I know I'm not angry with her at all. I'm mostly just worried about how this will affect Lex.
I was also afraid that maybe my reading his journal had stifled his voice. I told him I'd stop reading to give him that space. It's not fair to him to take something like that away from him, but he said others have been reading anyway. Others like Pamela and his father which means his father may have read some of my journal. I have had a few anonymous comments. I wonder if one of them was him.
I went back and locked all my old posts either as private or friends. I really don't need Mr. Luthor reading that. Although, if he friends me I would likely never know it was him. I think from now on when I friend somebody I'll carefully check the person out. This could all be just a big waste of time. I can't imagine that Mr. Luthor would be all that interested in what I have to say here.
I even joked that we could change our journal names; him to veryhappyguy and mine to lexpet. I was just trying to lighten the mood. He was surprised that I would say that. I guess maybe people don't think I have a sense of humor, but I do.
I kind of like lexpet. It's cute. It has a ring to it. Not that I see myself that way. I have a few fantasies about it. Like this one where he tells me what to do, and I just do it.
I did get to go see Lex again later last night for a few hours. We mostly just played some pool and talked. He managed to get Chloe and me tickets to the Saturday journalism conference with just one phone call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:32p
- What should I do, what should I say
I have a problem; my friend Pete told me that Chloe has always liked me. I mean, I know that she's been with Lana for a while now, and I know that a few months ago my friend Ryan mentioned that she wanted to go to formal with me, but I never really thought that Chloe was still thinking this way. On top of that Justin is back. And when I saw them together I actually got jealous. I have no idea why, but I kept thinking that she's my friend and that he has no right to go near her. It's so stupid. I just wanted Justin to be gone so that I could be with Chloe.
All of a sudden I am actually thinking about what it would be like if I was with Chloe. I mean I have always liked her and she's such a great person. I would never cheat on Lex or break up with him, but I just can't help wondering. Plus I can't really take Lex to the formal. I'm thinking of asking Chloe to go with me.
The more I think about it the more I like the idea. I really want to make her happy, and I've been such a bad friend lately. The look on her face the other day when she said I ignore her for Lana and Lex was really painful to see.
I'm going to have to think about this more. I will also have to tell Lex, of course. I am sure once I tell him why I want to do it he'll totally understand.
Besides, I think Chloe and I would look really nice together all dressed up. She's really been going out of her way to make herself look nice lately. I have to admit, I have noticed.
~~~~~~~~~~
1:35p
Yesterday was the anniversary of the day Lex's mom died. He told me this last night. I was naked in his bed at the time. I went over in the hopes that he would confide in me. That was as much as he confided.
Then he sucked me off and I offered myself to him. He turned me down, which is fine. I should have held back. I just wanted to make him feel better. I wanted to help him forget just for a little while. I told him I'm ready. I want him to do it. I want to feel him inside me. The thought doesn't terrify me at all.
He said we can talk more about it after I turn 16. That happens on May 16th. I actually said that if he did it that was one gift my mom and dad couldn't make me give back.
I sucked him off after and when I looked up I was shocked to see that he was crying. I thought I'd hurt him somehow.
It turns out he was hurt long before I met him.
~
6:15p - Chloe
Justin is hiding something. I just know it! I caught him with Chloe today. They were kissing, and I wanted to explode. I wanted to tear him off of her.
I just want her to be careful. I don't want her to get hurt. Why can't she understand that?
When you suddenly know somebody has liked you for a long time, it changes everything you ever thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~
10:55a - Oh man
Last night Lex stopped by. He caught me reading that book Men are from Mars. I was trying to get an insight into the female psyche. It was so embarrassing. We talked a little about Chloe and Justin and the whole situation. I didn't think it was the best time to bring up that I'm considering taking Chloe to the formal. I figured I could save that for a better time.
Just as we kissed my mom came up to tell me that the principal of the school had been killed in an accident. I'm not sure how much she saw. She hasn't said anything to me yet. She did give me this look last night after Lex left, but didn't talk to me about it. This morning I was too rushed to talk to her.
My mom saw me kiss Lex! I am trying hard not to freak over this.
~
11:18p - Biting my nails.
Justin killed our principal. I really wish I'd been wrong.
Chloe almost died today, but I got to her in time. It really sucks. D turned himself into the police. He was driving the car that hit Justin. I feel so bad for everybody.
I was so glad Chloe was still alive for me to hold her in my arms.
Fake letters
To Mr. Big
Don't you have a company to take over? I mean why would you read some hick-farmers LJ when you could be taking over companies and making tons of money?
Clark Kent
PS: be nicer to your son.
~~~~~
To My real mom and dad
Why did you let me go? What was wrong with me that you had to throw me into space so far away?
Clark
~~~~~
To mom and dad
Why can't I tell Lex about me? What are you so afraid of? He loves me and he would never hurt me, but if I keep lying to him, I might lose him forever.
Love
Your son
Clark Kent
I am so nervous right now. My mom still hasn't said a word about what she saw. I'm beginning to think that maybe she didn't see anything at all. Maybe I just imagined it. Maybe she'll just leave it alone. But that isn't like my mom. I know she saw something.
I have bitten my nails down to the skin, worrying about what she might do or say. What if she orders me to stop seeing him?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4:06a - Dreams fears and hyperventilating
I know she already knows about us, but there's knowing, and then there's knowing! It's one thing to be told something, but a whole other thing to see it with your own eyes.
I'm hiding in the barn right now. Mom and dad have already gone to bed, but I can't go to bed. I'm too nervous. I'm too freaked out.
I woke up from another one of my nightmares. In the dream Lex called me a liar and told me he was tired of people treating him so badly. Then he told me that he would destroy me.
I almost went to mom to confront her, but I couldn't do it. I hyperventilated before I could knock on mom and dad's bedroom door.
Fake letter
To Lex
I don't mean to lie. I don't want to lie. Please don't hate me when you find out
I'm a freak alien from another planet.
Love
Clark
~
10:16a - Mom
I talked to mom this morning. I fell asleep on the sofa out in my fortress, and she came to get me for breakfast.
She didn't freak out. She just said to be more careful when we're on the farm. Translation: no doing stuff here when mom and dad are around. I didn't ask how she felt about seeing us. I was too afraid. I mostly just sat and listened while she talked. I think I blushed the whole time.
It was really careless of us, but sometimes when I'm with Lex I don't think that way. It isn't weird to me that I love him. I just wish it wasn't weird to the rest of the world.
Fake letter
To the world
Get over it. Being gay shouldn't be something that is considered evil or illegal. It used to be way normal back in the olden days. If Alexander the Great could be openly gay why is it not cool now?
CK
If I was dating a girl none of this would be something I would have to think about at all. It's totally unfair. I guess the world isn't really a fair place.
~
7:47p - lost
Chloe and I are going to this media thing in the city tomorrow. I got some money from mom so I could take Chloe out for dinner after. Our friend's father just died tonight, and I want to cheer her up.
I really don't have much else to say. It feels weird. It's like when you see that you realize it could be you. It could be your dad.
I need to run
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