Author: GothGirl
Fandom: Smallville
Sequel/Series: Freak4ever's live journal
Pairing: Clark/Lex Lex/other Clark/other
Rating: NC-17
Category: angst, alternate universe, drama, established relationship, episode related,
Notes: spoiler for season two and three. Thanks to Lola, coffeejunkii, Alee and jfc for beta and catching mistakes. 116,000 words
Feedback: Yes please that would be very nice.
Disclaimer: DC Comics, Warner Brothers, Tollin/Robbins and Millar/Gough Ink own Smallville and its characters. I am just playing.
Summary: Clark Kent gets a live journal.
Related Links
Freak4ever Pretty Things Smallville Diaries Goth_Clark Tabloidboy
08:39 am
Okay, so it wasn't a perfect night, but at least we got some time alone.
Most of the last day of the year was fine, quiet. Dad and I did work. I can't wait to get back to school on Monday. Dad
is driving me nuts with all his extra attention, trying to prove that he still cares about me and that nothing has changed just because I'm
gay.
At breakfast he apologized, again, for the strip club incident. Mom glared at him. It was kind of funny. My best friend Pete stopped in for
a few hours. We promised that we'd spend more time together in the New Year. I haven't had much time to spend with him and he knows that
farm work can pile up (pun intended). I didn't tell Pete about the club. There was no way I was going to explain that one to him.
After dinner I went up to the loft to be alone. I wasn't sure if Lex was going to come by but later in the evening he finally showed up. It
went as well as can be expected. I'm not sure how long Lex and Dad talked before I ran out to rescue
Lex from my father's wrath. They were
nose to nose and Dad had grabbed Lex by the shirt, but I got there before anything else could happen. I know Dad would never have hurt him,
but I'm still glad I was there to intervene.
Everything is fine. I didn't ask for details last night and this morning Dad just sort of grunted at me when he came down for breakfast.
He's out in the barn right now, doing morning chores. No market today since it's a holiday. At least he didn't apologize again for the club.
That would have been so annoying.
So last night Lex stayed until late with only a few interruptions from my parents. They took turns coming out to ask if we wanted anything.
It was a little humiliating and made me feel like a kid, but I guess having Lex there helped take the sting out of my parent's
overprotective attitude.
Lex and I sat and talked and even though there was no touching allowed, I broke the rule at midnight and kissed him. The first kiss was the
sweetest kiss ever. With only our lips touching, it felt electric, illicit; like I was doing something wicked. Denying my body what it
really wanted made the moment that much more sexy and sensual. Literally we only touched our lips together in passionate, open-mouthed
kisses. Although at one point Lex did touch my chest with his hand. It was such a light touch, and full of promises. I can't wait for him to
fulfill those promises.
The first thing I said after happy New Year was "I love you". I wanted those to be my first words to
Lex in this New Year. I have a feeling
that this year is going to be the best year yet for us.
I can't wait to go over to the mansion. I guess now it's going to be a lot harder to casually tell my parents that I'll be going over to see
Lex without Dad making a face or putting up a fuss.
Dear Lex
I totally love you and all those kisses last night were the best kisses in the history of kisses.
Love
CK
Happy New Year everybody!
~
10:41 am
I woke up this morning floating above my bed!
I was so horny and so happy. This time I didn't crash down to the bed as soon as I woke. I closed my eyes and waited
until I floated back down. It took forever but I don't care. I didn't want to wake anybody up and I didn't feel like banging my head even if
it is invulnerable.
I jerked off in the shower to thoughts of Lex and those kisses we shared. All it took was thinking of his warm, soft scarred lips. Then I
imagined his mouth on my cock, licking and sucking. I pretended he was on his knees in front of me, urging me to push into his eager hot
mouth. I came so hard. I had to bite my tongue so I didn't shout his name out loud. That would have been so embarrassing.
I am so happy.
Life is so awesome right now; I want to shout it to the world.
I am in love with Lex, and he's in love with me!
~
10:18 pm
What a weekend.
This is totally annoying. Dad is grating on my last nerve today. Yesterday was totally annoying. When I asked Mom and
Dad if I could go over to the mansion after dinner, Dad immediately said no way. Eventually he let me go to the Talon with Lex. Dad's is
being such a jerk. When I asked Dad if he'd treat me this way if I had told him I was secretly dating Lana all this time, he had no answer,
but at least he backed down.
Lex came by to pick me up and Dad didn't even say hello to him. Dad chose to express himself by bumping into Lex accidentally on purpose on
his way out.
Last night after an hour of coffee at the Talon and in public, we went back to the mansion and played chess. I teased Lex about the no
touching rule, asking if it applied to the mansion as well. There was no way I wasn't going to do something. I was so horny and happy. I
jumped him on the floor of his office right in front of the fireplace and sucked him off then jerked off on his chest. I love when I leave
him speechless.
I can't even believe I did it. I just thought to myself that I wasn't going to let Dad control how I act with Lex when Lex and I are alone.
My horniness level was way too high.
At least I had that for the weekend. Today was so boring. I stayed home the whole day. Dad came up with one chore after another. I think
I've fixed everything we own at least ten times today. At least dinner was quiet. I was too annoyed with Dad to talk to him. Not that I
didn't talk to him, I just didn't bother to make conversation beyond "pass the salt".
I hope that totally annoyed him. Now I'm going to read and I'm going to read gay stories just to make Dad mad. That way if he checks to see
what I'm up to, I can tell him I'm reading stories about gay people. And I know he'll check on me. He does every single night. I didn't mind
it when I was twelve, but I'm sixteen! I bet he'd check on me if I was fifty.
At least he didn't say anything about Lex today.
~
11:34 pm
Ha! Take that Dad.
Dad: Hey, son. You have school in the morning. You should probably get to sleep soon.
Me: I'm almost done here. (points at laptop.)
Dad walks into room and curiously glances at screen, asking, as I knew he would, what his son is doing.
Me: It's just some stories I found that talk about being gay.
Look on Dad's face: priceless.
Oh and the no touching rule does not extend to the mansion. The mansion is a touch zone and Saturday night I not only touched, I sucked and
made things wet and sticky and Lex loved it! Do I even have to say that I enjoyed every second?
~
06:00 pm
I should have listened to Pete.
A C+ in shop class isn't too bad. It brings my grade down a little. I hate that we have to take shop class. I already
know how to use all the tools. Anyway, I'm just whining now.
I sort of sneaked a peek at our grades in class today. Pete did really well, but I think this one guy in my class who usually gets nothing
but 'A's on everything is going to be really upset when he sees what mark he got.
I stayed a little late to hang with Pete since he was going to the Talon for a while. When I got home Dad was just getting back from doing
the produce deliveries. I usually do them and it totally slipped my mind. Dad didn't mind, but I didn't get to see
Lex. I'll have to see Lex
tomorrow or something.
Now I have to do some homework.
~
09:30 pm
This day started off so well, but the it went completely wrong.
My Dad broke his leg today. He tried to fix the tractor on his own and it fell on his leg and broke one of the bones.
His doctor already sent him home so he's up in bed resting.
I wish Dad wouldn't take everything on all on his own. I wasn't there because I helped
Lana move into Chloe's home. They're living together. I'm
so jealous. They looked anxious to get rid of me once we'd unloaded the last box. I'm sure they wanted to be alone so they could celebrate.
I wish my Dad would be as accepting of me as Chloe's Dad is of her lifestyle choice.
At least I got to see Lex, even if it was for only a few minutes. Right after I found Dad I immediately called Mom and then
Lex. He was at
some event, but he came to the hospital as soon as he could. I found him talking to Dad's doctor. I couldn't resist the urge to tease my
boyfriend about his golf club rampage. It happened right in the middle of Main Street and I think ten people told me about it by the time I
went home to get the truck to help with the move. I wish somebody had gotten pictures. I would kill to see them.
Lex is so darn cute sometimes. I wish I could have kissed him right there in the hallway right in front of Dr. Bryce. That would have been
so much fun. The little smirk on his face when he told me about his encounter with the windshield of a meter maid's car was so cute and hot.
Unfortunately I was on my way out to take my Dad's things to the truck.
I have to go to bed really early tonight so I can get up to do all the morning chores before I go to school.
Back to my friends moving in together.
On my way home I was thinking of how cool it is that they are dating and Chloe's father allowed
Lana to move in with them. Is it because they're
girls? I'm really jealous of them now. I keep thinking about how happy they looked as we moved
Lana's things into her new bedroom.
Maybe I'll leave some things over at Lex's; a toothbrush, some underwear. I wonder if he'd let me have an underwear drawer? Or maybe our
underwear could play in the same drawer. That would be almost like moving in. I could leave my boxer shorts and briefs there and some socks.
That would be cool. I'd make sure they were clean.
I miss Lex and I want to wake up next to him. I know Lana and Chloe have separate rooms, but I am willing to bet the farm that they will sneak
into each other's rooms late at night.
With my Dad out of commission it's going to be a really long week. Mom has been so busy with Mr. Big and her other job that I'm probably
going to end up having to do all my chores and all of Dad's chores. Yuck, I can't wait. I just rolled my eyes in case you didn't catch the
sarcasm.
~
11:56 am
I can't believe her.
This is unbelievable. They just moved in together and what did I see today in the hallway at school, Ian kissed
Lana and
she let him! On top of that, when I asked her about it she told me to back off.
Last night I stopped by the Talon to let Lana know that since my Dad broke his leg I wouldn't be able to help her study for math. I found Ian
talking to Chloe. When I asked him about shop class he told me he'd gotten a really good grade. I know this isn't true. Our teacher gave Ian a
hard time in class about his project.
Then when I had to beg off the study session with Lana, Ian stepped in and offered to help her out. And now
Lana is going to see a movie with
Ian.
This is crazy. Chloe can't be happy about this.
I spent all morning doing the chores since Dad needs to rest. Even though I told him and my Mom that I can take care of that part of things,
Mom still insisted on staying home from her other job. Dad told her to go to work and that he could handle things. My Dad is the most
stubborn man I have ever known.
Pete has to bug me about Lana. I am not jealous just because I want to look out for my friends. I just can't believe
Lana would make a date with
this guy. I guess she can't really say she's already seeing somebody, but she could have said no. Now
Chloe is mad at me as well. I tried to
warn her and she told me to back off.
I want to keep out of things, but this time I just can't. I care about
Lana and Chloe no matter what. I know they're allowed to make friends
with other guys besides me. It just stings that they would both brush me off like this when all I have is their best interests in mind.
Back to class. At least shop was cancelled. Our teacher didn't show up.
~
10:37 am
Freaky things are afoot
Ian is up to something for sure and Pete and I are going to catch him at it. I don't care if he has an alibi in Chloe.
Pete and I found our shop class teacher dead and Ian tried to kill us. Luckily I managed to throw myself over Pete and he didn't get hurt,
but I saw Ian. I don't care that he and Chloe say he was with her the whole time.
Now Lana and Chloe are mad at me. I'm going to set Ian up. I have a good idea how he managed to be in two places at once. I think he has an
accomplice or a twin he hasn't told anybody about.
~
06:15 pm
Ugh, that was totally gross
When Ian threw Chloe over the edge of the dam I didn't even pause. On top of that when I hit the ground I felt no pain
at all. At least Chloe and Lana are both okay. I did feel bad that I used them for bait but Pete and I needed to prove to them that Ian was
tricking them.
And free falling wasn't so bad. I didn't even have enough time to think about how high up I was and what I was doing anyway so I barely
remember what it was like.
Everything turned out fine except for Ian's other half falling to his death. I have no idea how he made another him. It probably has
something to do with the meteor rocks.
Now I have to go meet Chloe and Lana at the Talon. They called and said they want to talk to me. It had better be to tell me they're sorry.
I was right about Ian all along and they totally blew me off. Not that I'm going to rub their noses in it or anything, but still, they
didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt. I still can't believe they would do that to me.
Now to go see what Chloe and Lana want. I sense this is not going to be good.
~
11:38 am
I feel so good this morning.
After the nice talk I had with Lana and Chloe, where they both said they were sorry for not trusting me, I went to see
Lex. I snuck into his bedroom without anybody catching me. Once I was inside I called him on his cell and told him he needed to get some
rest because he works too hard. I wanted to surprise him but he was stubborn until he figured out with a few hints from me that I was
waiting for him in his bed, naked.
Lex is so sexy. I keep falling in love with him over and over again. Every time he puts up with me and my stupid lies and my antics I can't
even believe that he wants me.
I feel kind of crappy this morning because I absent-mindedly said at breakfast that I forgot my cell phone at Lex's place in Lex's bedroom.
Dad was not thrilled. He looked like he was going to blow a gasket but Mom gave him 'the look' and instead of getting angry he told me I
should have told them where I was going. I did tell them I was going to meet with Lana and Chloe at the Talon. Going to the mansion was just
a sudden decision. Of course Dad thinks I should have called from the Talon to let them know that I was going to see Lex.
I felt like a freaking child. Why do I have to tell them every single second of my day? Earlier I called Dad to let him know that I was
about to go to English class. He was not amused. He told me that is not what he meant and that I should stop being a brat. I told him he
should stop treating me like a child and then I hung up the phone. I probably shouldn't have done that, but he's being a jerk.
I don't care. I had the most amazing time ever. Before last night it felt as though Lex and I hadn't had time alone in ages. I was starved
for affection. Maybe that is exaggerating but after we had the most amazing intimate moment ever, I felt at peace. I told Lex that I am very
sure of us as a couple. I wanted him to know that nothing would make me change my mind. Maybe I didn't say it that way exactly. My brain was
kind of fizzled from having Lex straddle me and strip while on top of me. His kisses were incredibly sexy and I thought for sure I would
come before we had a chance to do anything else. But I held out until I was finally inside him and it lasted more than a few minutes.
He is so tight and warm and so amazing. I think about how good he felt last night and I get hard, which, while I'm in class, is not a good
thing.
I won't call Dad to let him know I'm about to go to gym class. I bet that would just make him drive to school and smack me in the head.
In a way it's kind of amusing. Even though he claims he'd do the same thing if I was dating a girl, I still think it mostly has to do with
Lex. I think it's time I forced Dad to face my choice and to accept it.
~
09:53 pm
This has been the most annoying day on the planet.
My dad and I are sort of at war. Last night I went to the mansion to get my cell phone I left in
Lex's bed. I went over
to be with my boyfriend and to give both of us some time alone. It's been such a rough week all around and I needed him.
At breakfast the next day I accidentally let it slip that I forgot my phone in
Lex's bed. Dad's eyes started to twitch. It does this twitchy
thing when he gets really mad and he's trying not to yell. It's not pretty. I took a few steps back from him, I was that afraid. I was half
asleep at the time and my mouth runneth over.
Anyway so after dinner last night I went to get the phone back. Lex was in his office, as always, and we only had a short time together. I
can't even remember what we talked about. It was sure not about my Dad. We kissed and every kiss totally made my toes curl.
Today I have been working non-stop and after that non-stop work I did homework then I went over to the neighbors' and fulfilled some of my
Dad's promised labor for them. They are a little older and need some help sometimes because their son moved to the city. (Totally not
interesting at all). After that I bored Mom to death with babble about how I wish Dad would accept my choice. Dad was asleep at the time.
That was a one-hour conversation in which I rambled with lots of arm flailing and potato peels flying everywhere. Mom needed my help in the
kitchen for a bit, and then I went out to do some more chores. Then I sat in the barn for a while and thought about the implications of
black holes. Are they real?
Tonight I plan on staying in the barn and not talking to Dad at all. I only talked to him when he spoke directly to me and only if I
absolutely had to. Besides, the sky is so clear and I think I'm going to gaze at the stars.
That was my totally boring and uneventful day. I feel like I'm talking to myself all the time now. I probably am. I keep catching myself
saying things like 'It's not that bad.' Or 'He'll come around.' but after the last week I'm beginning to think that maybe Dad isn't going to
accept this so easily. He's sort of accepted it. He's not ordering me to stop dating
Lex. That is a start. I think today maybe I just made
things worse.
Tomorrow I think I'll take a new stance. I'm not sure what it will be, but not talking to Dad hurts.
~
10:25 am
Nothing has changed.
I didn't spend much time with Dad yesterday. We sort of stayed in our respective corners for almost the whole day. At
dinner time we mostly ate in silence with Mom talking about what she needs to do this week. Her other job is going to demand some more of
her time. I told her not to worry, that I could take care of things.
Dad seems to be getting around on those crutches really fast. Not sure how he's pulling that off, but I'm glad he's healing quick. At dinner
we joked that by the time he's healed I will have taken over the farm completely. The subject of
Lex didn't come up once all day.
This morning I woke up very early and did every single chore, but I just know I'm going to come home to find Dad outside doing something. He
hates to sit around with nothing to do. He says it makes him feel useless and I can understand that. Today Mom is going to be in meetings so
we menfolk have to fend for ourselves. That means I have to make dinner. That should be very interesting. Maybe I'll just order in pizza.
This morning school was really quiet. Not sure why. I actually managed to catch the bus and Pete and I talked about going out on motorbikes
in the next few weeks. I miss just hanging with him. He said he's got a new girl. I do not know how he keeps up with it. When we saw
Lana in
the hallway and said hello to her, Pete nudged me and told me to hurry up before somebody else snags her. I just rolled my eyes and told him
that Lana and I are only friends and nothing more. I actually told him that Lana has told me she does not like me that way, but Pete did not let
up. I let him ramble because I know it makes him feel good. Besides, it's not like he knows not to bug me about it so I can't really get mad
at the guy.
I didn't get to see Lex much this weekend. I may not get to see him today. I'll have to give him a call to let him know how busy I'm going
to be.
Back to the grindstone. We have a gym teacher for shop class today. I don't think I mentioned that Pete and I found our original shop
teacher dead.
Hopefully this week will be a better week.
~
11:25 pm
What do I do now?
I give up. Dad is never going to accept my choice. It's not that he says bad things about
Lex all the time. He just
makes this face when I talk about Lex. I don't even think he even realizes he's doing it.
Tonight, when Dad came up to the loft to talk about Lex, I rushed off and told him I needed to study over at Pete's. I just wasn't in the
mood to hear him slam my boyfriend.
Maybe tomorrow things will be better. I can keep hoping.
~
10:17 pm
It was just coffee at the Talon.
It's not like it was a real date, but Lex looked so relaxed with her. He looked like he was having fun. He can do that
with Dr. Bryce and in public. He can do that with me but not the same way.
I watched them for a minute and Lex seemed so relaxed. I haven't been able to spend time with him because of what's happening at home. I'm
always either in school or doing farm work.
I know I can trust Lex, but there is this little tiny voice in my head that thinks that maybe he'd prefer somebody he could take out in
public. With Dr. Bryce he wouldn't have to hide.
She's probably really smart and doesn't have a dad who would hate Lex. She's really pretty, too, and has a really nice smile. The way she
smiled at Lex made me think that maybe she wants him.
I know I can trust Lex and I know Lex won't do anything but when I saw them together a little part of me felt betrayed. It's stupid and I
have no reason at all to feel this way, but there it is.
Now that I see it in writing, it's pretty dumb. I love Lex and he loves me and he's not into her that way. He's into me that way. I wish I
could touch him right now but after a million chores I feel like crashing.
~
09:53 pm
What a day.
This is not good. Somebody at school outed Chloe and Lana. Gym class sucked. I had so many guys ask me if I've seen
them kiss I was ready to punch somebody out. This is so not good.
I didn't have a chance to talk to either of them because I had to run home fast. I had to do chores since Dad still can't go very far. We
finally had a talk about how his attitude is hurting me. At first I didn't want to talk about it. I ran to the storm cellar to look at the
ship. Dad followed me and we talked. I feel weird about it. Part of me feels that maybe we haven't made any progress but Dad did promise to
try harder to accept that I'm with Lex. I hope he keeps his promise.
At least I got to do the deliveries. I totally shocked Lex when I walked into his office and locked the door so I could get on my knees in
front of him and suck his cock. It felt so good to just suck him off. I loved it and all I kept thinking was that he is with me and that Lex
loves me and that I can do this to him any time I want.
He returned the favor and it felt even better to have his mouth on me. He's so good at sucking me off. I came fast. I can't help it. When
his warm mouth and tongue work their magic it takes no time and it feels like it's been forever since we've done anything sexual.
Or at least it seems like it's been a long time. It's probably just my overactive hormones.
After we cleaned up we had a snack and talked for a little while. I miss him already even though I was just over there. I wanted to call
Lana and Chloe to see how they're doing, but I don’t feel like talking to them. They probably need time.
~
10:36 pm
Take that!
Next time Lex has coffee with Doctor Bryce, and he sees me, I hope he thinks
of my cock in his mouth. In fact, I hope he thinks of my cock all the time.
Okay now that is making me think of his cock. I must jerk off several times out in the barn so I can shout his name.
~
09:08 pm
I could never imagine the whole town knowing.
But that's what happened to my friends. The town knows about them dating. Chloe and Lana were outed and apparently Pete
did the outing. I can't believe Pete would do that. I just can't believe he would. Pete knows how to keep a secret; at least I hope he does.
Poor Chloe and Lana. They're all anybody talked about all weekend. Dad asked if I knew about this before and I had to tell him I knew. He
told me he was proud of me for being there for my friends.
I spent Friday afternoon with Chloe. She got into a fight at school with some girl and Chloe punched her. She's suspended for a few days
from classes. I hope her dad wasn't too hard on her. She was so upset and I didn't want her to be alone so I went with her to the Talon. She
said she didn't want to change what she does just because of what happened.
I haven't been able to talk to Pete because he went away for the weekend, but as soon as I see him, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
I know he'd never do this. He's never told anybody my secret. I just can't imagine him doing this to Chloe and Lana. Chloe was pretty
convinced that it was him so maybe I misjudged Pete. Maybe finding out that the girl Pete thought was 'the girl of my dreams' had a
girlfriend freaked him out.
Chloe and I had a great time at the Talon. She's so brave. I don't know if I could be that brave. The idea of the whole town knowing that
I'm gay and that I'm with Lex scares me. I know with me it's a lot different than with Chloe and Lana because Lex is older than me and I'm
only sixteen. There's no way anybody could ever find out about Lex. People wouldn't understand. If my own father doesn't understand and he
sees how happy Lex makes me, I can't imagine that my neighbors would. Pete for sure would never get it.
Last night Lana stopped by. She was a wreck. I wanted to hold her tight and protect her from everything. I felt this overwhelming urge to
keep her safe. This is not something I'd ever admit to anybody except I can write it here. I wanted to kiss her and tell her I'd keep her
safe forever. I can't ever tell Lex or my parents or Lana. It's not that I want to for real; I just felt this urge in the moment when she
was in my arms and crying on my shoulder to keep her safe. I think I was even a little attracted to her. I felt so horrible after she left.
I felt like I'd cheated on Lex but I didn't do anything. I just thought stuff. That's not cheating at all, but I felt like I did. I should
tell Lex about it. I probably will. I'm just going to wait for the right time to say it.
It's not that I want to be with Lana. I don't. I know she loves Chloe. I feel so bad just writing it here. I told Lana about Dad finding
out. I needed to tell somebody else. She was so shocked.
I tried to reassure Lana that things will work out and that her aunt will love her no matter what. She seemed to think that her Aunt Nell
won't understand. I hope she does. I hate to see Lana so upset. It's not fair that this happened to her and Chloe. This was not something
anybody else had any right to tell. When I talk to Pete, I'm totally giving him a piece of my mind. He's going to hear it from me for sure
if he really had something to do with this.
Chloe is glad it's all out in the open and Lana wants to hide from the world. How did they end up together when their views are so
different? I hope they can work this all out and I hope that they don't break up over it. Lana seemed so unsure.
After Lana and I talked we popped popcorn and watched a Keanu movie. I didn't know what else to say to her. She stayed until she almost fell
asleep and then went home. I think if it happened to me I'd probably hide out too, until it all blew over. Chloe has a lot of guts. I hope
she realizes how lucky she is to have Lana.
Now I have to call Lex and tell him about everything. I was so busy with farm chores and work today that I barely had a chance to breathe. I
hope he forgives me.
~
10:27 am
I don't understand what happened
I just talked to Pete and he says he did not spread the rumors that Chloe and Lana are dating.
Two of my best friends were outed last week and all hell broke loose as they became town gossip. Lana is totally freaking out and Chloe is
glad it's out in the open. I confronted Pete this morning in front of our lockers and he says he only found out just last week along with
the rest of the class.
We ducked into an empty class room when he asked how long I've known then he flipped that I knew all along and didn't tell him. I tried to
tell him it was not my secret to tell. He's mad that Chloe kept this from him. He's also mad because he adores Chloe and has always held out
hope that they'd be able to get together.
I tried to appease him, but then he started getting on me about always letting him talk about Lana and me as if we were this huge love meant
to be. He even asked if I was gay. I lied. I didn't exactly deny it but I told him being friends with somebody who is gay doesn't mean
you'll be gay. He took that to mean no. I almost told. I might have felt better but then this isn't about me feeling better and Pete was in
mourning for his lost chance with Chloe. It wasn't the right time to do that to him.
I believed Pete when he says he had nothing to do with it but then in gym class I overheard a few of the guys from the football team talking
and they point blank said Pete was the one who broke the news. I don't know what to think. I've never known Pete to lie to me, but there's
always a first time for everything. Maybe he was so hurt at finding out that he'd never have a chance with Chloe that he felt the need to
lash out.
I wanted to talk to Lex about all of this but I can't seem to find the time or the courage. I'll see him today during deliveries and we can
talk. The possibility of us ever being outed is there. Maybe it's something we need to consider, just in case.
I miss him. I can't wait to see him and touch him and kiss his lips. All weekend I kept thinking about how lucky I am to have him in my life
and how even after all the stupid stuff I've done he's still willing to have me in his life.
~
03:17 pm
Arghghgh
I could totally punch somebody's lights out right now!
I had a really nice lunch with Lana at the Torch. We stayed there together so she wouldn't have to listen to all the garbage people are
spouting about her. She's so upset and shaken up, I wish there was something I could do for her.
Right after lunch I walked her to her next class and as I left to get to my own class, Brent confronted her. The stuff he said to her! I can
not even imagine that Whitney would be happy to know that his friend treated Lana that way. I was so furious I almost cracked his head in. I
wanted to.
Lana couldn't take it anymore so she left. I finally calmed down. I should have gone with her but she said she'd be okay. She said that she
needed to do work at the Talon and that I couldn't be there for her every second. I did need to get to class but still, I wanted to be there
for her.
At least I stopped Brent from continuing his verbal assault. Who knows where that could have led? It might have gotten ugly had I not
stepped in. He was all crowding her and pushing her into the lockers. How could anybody treat her that way?
~
02:28 pm
Things can only get better
I finally got to see Lex last night. I had to do deliveries and when I went to his office I made sure to lock the door
so we'd have privacy. I needed to talk to him about what happened with Lana and Chloe. It seems like Pete really did out them. I can't
believe it, but all evidence points to that being the case. I feel so bad for Lana and Chloe. Lana's still not handling it well, but I saw
her this morning in the hall talking to her friend Beth, so at least she has somebody to support her. Chloe is still suspended.
Lex and I talked and he reassured me that our situation would never get out. He has it covered and I trust him. I do not trust anybody else
at this point and I can only hope that all the people that do know will keep the knowledge to themselves.
Lex was so wonderful and he made me feel so good. I wanted to be closer to him and I missed him so much. At least we got a few moments
alone. We can always get complete privacy at the mansion. Now whenever I go over I always lock the door just in case we do something we
don't want anybody to walk in on. This time we did something for sure that I wouldn't want anybody to walk in on. I sucked him off on my
knees right there in his office, and he jerked me off and it felt so good. It wasn't just physically good, it was emotionally good. It was
as though he seared his soul onto mine. That's how I feel when he watches me. His eyes see deep into me. They must know my truths. He must
know what I really am. Sometimes I imagine that he does and he's just keeping it from me because he knows that I'm afraid. It's like I know
deep down that he sees me for what I really am and he's just waiting for me to let him in completely.
I feel so safe and comfortable around him. I feel like I can almost be totally me. I think I grabbed his shoulders too hard. I might have
bruised him, but I didn't care because at the time when he was holding me in his hand and looking at me with his all-knowing eyes all I
wanted was for him to be my whole world.
I told him that I love him and he said ditto. I love when he says ditto. It's like a secret code between us. He could even say it in public
and nobody but us would know what it meant.
His touch makes my skin tingle, and I tingle when I think of his hand on my cock. I feel so irrational sometimes about this one thing.
Last night after I got home I sat down to dinner and all I could think about was how Lex touched me and how he looked at me and how he
thrust deep into my mouth. It was a very quiet dinner. After that I did chores. Dad came out later to talk to me about Lana and Chloe. He
asked me to watch out for them and I reassured him I was already watching out for them.
At least it was one moment of happiness for Lex and me. I just wish the town would get over Lana and Chloe so they can go back to things the
way they were. I guess that's asking too much. Things will never go back the way they were. Why can't people just mind their own business?
Most of the talk has died down and none of the guys have asked stupid questions today. Nobody ever really talked to me before so that's not
anything new. I can eat lunch with my two best friends, that is if they're even talking to each other anymore. As for Pete, I'm not sure
what to do. Lex thinks I should choose whom I believe based on what I know about them. He also pointed out that just because people say
something is true doesn't mean it is.
~
08:32 pm
I had an interesting day.
School turned out okay. Lana and I had lunch in the Torch office again. Her friend Beth joined us. Beth is really nice.
She's quiet and she's pretty. I don't know what else to say. I just hope Lana knows what she's doing. I know people can be just friends but
I also know that a while back Beth and Lana had something.
It's not my business so I'll stay out of it. I just wish Chloe and Lana would at least talk. Lana said they're sort of in their own corners
right now.
I just took Dad for a check up. Dr. Bryce said he should be fine and that he's mending really fast. I didn't tell her that he's been doing
farm chores, she just guessed. The look she gave him was so much like the look mom gives him when he's not behaving, it was funny. What
wasn't funny was that she asked me about Lex. She asked specifically if Lex was dating anybody. That was not awkward at all. Nope not in any
way shape or form. Totally awkward and I know I just lied a lot.
I had to say that I have not seen Lex with any women since Victoria was in town. Dr. Bryce is going to ask him out. I just know it. She's
going to ask and he's going to have no reason to say no. So she gets to take him out to dinner and I get to stay at home with my telescope.
Sometimes it sucks to have a secret relationship with somebody so hot. Although I don't blame her for wanting to ask
Lex out, I wish I could
have said 'sorry he's taken - by me'.
Dad gets his cast off in a few days so that's cool. I'm trying to look on the bright side.
~
03:22 pm
I was sitting in the Torch office.
Hi Lex
So I took Dad for his checkup yesterday. Dr. Bryce says he's doing great. She's a really good doctor. While I was there she asked me if you
were seeing anybody. I told her that I hadn't seen you dating any women in a long while. I think she wants to ask you out.
So I was just wondering if maybe that had happened or maybe I was just posting this to warn you ahead of time.
Anyway, you're probably really busy and don't have time to look at your journal. Just in case you see this.
Love Clark
~
10:57 pm
I trust him - I really do.
Okay, so I followed them and watched them on their date. She dressed up really nice. She looks pretty with her hair
down. And nothing happened. They just had dinner and ate and talked. I couldn't hear what they were talking about. After dinner, he drove
her home and even walked her to her front door. He's such a gentleman.
Nothing happened at all, so it's all cool. I just wish I could have been the one sitting at the table with him. I wish we could go out to
dinner without people making a fuss.
I asked him out on a date. Maybe sometimes he likes to be asked out and that's why he said yes to her.
I shot hoops all night if anybody asks. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I was home before Mom and Dad even noticed I was gone.
Maybe I shouldn't have spied on Lex. Suddenly I feel like a total fool for doing it.
~
05:42 pm
Dad got his cast off.
And while I was there I had to see Dr. Bryce since she's Dad's doctor. I happened to ask her if she asked
Lex out on a
date. She told me about how well things went and how she thinks that Lex likes her that way. She wants to go on another date with him. It
was totally weird. She spilled so much I had to change the subject. I guess because I'm such good 'friends' with
Lex she felt she could
confide in me.
So I guess she's planning on doing more with him. I know Lex won't let more happen, but why can't he just tell her 'no thanks'? I guess it
was because he couldn't come up with a good enough reason. He'd have to say he didn't like her that way which is true so he can say that,
but he won't. Instead he says yes and now she thinks he likes her. Why is he going out with her? Is there something I'm not doing right? Is
it because I don't give him something that she can? She's probably way smarter than me and can talk on his level. Maybe that's it. I can
imagine that he'd want somebody he can converse with, somebody more on his maturity level that can keep up with his double meanings.
I can't begrudge Lex a friend. He's an adult so he can tell her to back off if she tries something more. He can tell her that he just wants
them to be friends.
She seemed so excited but maybe that's just because Lex is such a nice guy and there aren't really many guys for her to talk to like him.
She's from the city so I guess that's why they get along so well.
I totally trust Lex and she's just a friend.
I'm going over for our date tonight and I'm going to dress up nice. It's a real date, so even if we can't go out in public the way
Lex and
Dr. Bryce can; it doesn't mean I can't dress up really nice.
~
10:57 pm
Tonight was so awesome.
I went over to the mansion and after Lex ordered pizza in, we went up to his private room and played chess by the fire.
That was all we did. We kissed and touched and talked about stuff, but it was the most romantic date I have ever been on.
A small part of me was afraid that I'd bore him. I'm not sure why I thought that. I don't feel that way at all anymore. He paid very close
attention to everything I said and I engaged him in conversation. It was so much fun talking to him about what I do on the farm. I admitted
to him that it's not my ideal future job.
We had a really intense moment. It was so perfect.
Dad was in the kitchen when I got home. I can't believe he stayed up. He used the excuse that his leg itched and he couldn't sleep. I made
some hot chocolate for both of us because I just knew he had to get something off his chest. He asked how my date went. He coughed a lot but
at least he asked and he actually didn't scowl this time when I talked about Lex. I told him the truth. I told him we ate pizza and played a
few games of chess, all of which I lost. Then I told him that Lex and I had a long discussion about organic farming. Dad spit his drink out
on the table. It was totally hilarious. He told me to warn him when I made a joke and I told him it was no joke.
I think he was impressed. Just as I was about to go up to bed, he asked if I was happy and I told him I'd never been happier in my life. He
nodded and said good night.
I think Dad's finally realized how much Lex means to me.
I feel so much better about everything. Now if only I didn't have to wake up to do chores.
~
09:25 pm
This is amazing.
I can't believe this. When Kyla told me about the legend of Numan, I thought for sure she was just kidding around or
making it up, but those pictures on the cave? They're my life!
She says it's just a legend but it's my life. I fell from the sky. I shoot fire out of my eyes, and I have the strength of ten men.
What if it's true? What if my ancestors really did come to earth hundreds of years ago and leave those drawings on those caves? This is
huge. The indentation in the cave wall looks just like the key to my ship. It's all been here in Smallville under ground all this time, and
LuthorCorp owns it. LuthorCorp owns something that maybe my relatives left behind.
Kyla is so amazing. She looks at me and I feel weird, like if she knew about me she wouldn't freak out at all. I felt like she already did
know. She found me after I fell through the hole down into the caves. I must have fallen at least a hundred feet and she heard Pete tell me
to jump back up. She told me those legends and never seemed freaked about any of it, as if it was totally normal that a man could fall from
the sky, shoot fire from his eyes and be so strong.
It can't be anything else. At first I doubted her, but when I saw that indentation shaped like the key to the ship... what else can it be?
I need to find out more about this. I need to know everything I can find out about Kyla and these legends. I should probably find out if
it's really true before I get so excited.
I have to go back and look at that indentation in the wall. It's the exact size as the key to the ship.
~
09:27 pm
This is all so promising
Dad thinks I shouldn't trust Kyla and her grandfather, Mr. Willowbrook, but this is the first time anybody has been
able to give me some hint of who or what I am. I invited them over for dinner and I think things went really well. I know that somewhere in
that cave is a clue to where I come from, or maybe even more.
After dinner Kyla and I went to my loft to talk and she pointed out a spot in the sky where a star used to be. She said it's where Numan
came from. What if that's where I came from? Her grandfather told us a story about how a man came from the stars and fell in love with the
mother of their people and that the Kawache people were born out of their forbidden affair. He said this happened 500 years ago. I wonder
why it was forbidden.
I showed them the piece of the ship with the symbols all over it and they said they have no idea what it says. I was really hoping that they
knew but it looks like this is all a dead end. All the stories they told sound like nothing but legends that their people passed down
through the years.
I still want to figure out if this cave really is something connected to me. I called Lana and asked her to stop by so I could ask a favor.
Hopefully Mr. Small can stop the construction and we can study the caves.
Kyla hit on me while we were alone in my loft. It was a little awkward since I couldn't say 'sorry, I'm taken by Lex Luthor. You know, that
guy your grandfather hates'. She is so beautiful and I have to admit that I find her attractive. When she touched my hand and held it, I
felt something for her. I'm not sure what, but I kept thinking for sure that we'd kiss. I thought it was going to happen but then Lana
showed up. The way Kyla looked at me . . . I don't want to be attracted to her but I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about her.
I might just be excited about the caves, but I think I kind of liked it when she hit on me. She has this way of looking at me, like she can
see into me and know my secrets. Maybe it's just wishful thinking or projecting. I really need to learn more about the caves. I really want
to learn more about where I came from or who I am or what I am and Mr. Willowbrook said he might be able to decipher the language on the
tablet. It's my people's language.
~
07:25 am
An interesting week end
Chloe and Lana are still barely talking and they still haven't come to an understanding about their opposing points of
view on how to handle their situation. I don't blame Lana at all. She's lived in this town all her life and she's being judged much more
harshly because of it. She also has a business to run and people might decide to drink coffee elsewhere. People have done stranger things.
I've had a busy weekend. On Saturday Pete and I went out on our dirt bikes. I ended up spilling and falling into these old caves filled with
wall paintings and drawings. It turns out this girl I met, Kyla, and her grandfather have been looking for them for years. They're really
cool. The only problem is that they are under a construction site owned by Mr. Big's company.
We're trying to get construction stopped so we can save the paintings.
I haven't been doing much else but hanging out with Kyla. The cave drawings are so fascinating. Kyla and her grandfather came over for
dinner the other night and I got a chance to spend some time with her. She's so interesting.
I just hope we can save the drawings and the caves. So far Mr. Big doesn't seem to care at all that he would be destroying a local treasure.
~
03:55 pm
This is so unbelievable
I just came back from being with Kyla. We were at the caves to take pictures or the wall paintings, and I went with her
so I could get another look at them. The construction above ground was very disruptive.
Kyla knows about me now. I had no choice but to save her from a huge falling boulder. She had climbed up higher to get a closer look and
take photos of some paintings that were high up on the wall. It happened so fast I had to act and she was still awake.
She didn't freak out when she saw me rush over to her and when she saw that boulder hit my back and smash into a million pieces. She thinks
I'm Numan. Maybe she's right. If she is, then I was sent here on purpose for sure.
There were some very interesting paintings on the cave wall that make me think that maybe things in my life are destined, like whom I'm
meant to be with. Kyla said that this painting of a girl with dark hair is a depiction of who Numan is destined to be with. She was wearing
the bracelet in the painting. She said it's been in her family for generations and it's depicted in the painting of Numan's true love.
There was also this one drawing that I couldn't stop looking at. It depicts a two-headed creature that Kyla says is Numan and Segeeth. She
told me about the legend of how Segeeth and Numan are like brothers and that one day Segeeth turns on Numan and they will form the balance
between good and evil. It's fascinating. If the image is supposed to represent something that will one day happen, then there is somebody
out there that will one day become my greatest enemy. I can't even imagine that. It's like Devilicus and Warrior Angel.
After I saved her, I wanted to tell Kyla that I can't be this Numan because I'm already in love with somebody, and it's not a dark-haired
girl, but she told me not to think logically, to just give in. Then we kissed. I kissed back and didn't stop her until she tried to take my
shirt off. I broke the kiss and tried to tell her that I couldn't do it. I wanted to tell her about Lex but I couldn't so I left her down
there.
Now I feel so guilty. What if it's true? What if I'm not meant to be with Lex? What if this picture that Kyla's people drew hundreds of
years ago means I'm meant to be with her?
I can't lie to Lex about this. I need time to figure out what to do. I'm so confused. I feel so bad for kissing Kyla and I can't stop
thinking about her. I thought about her last night when I jerked off. That's the first time I've ever thought of anybody but Lex. She's just
so beautiful and she knows about me and she doesn't care. She still liked me even though she knows I came from the stars and that I can do
all these things other men can't do. If I was with her I wouldn't have to worry about telling her my secret. I wouldn't have to keep looking
over my shoulder.
I have to tell Lex about this. I can't keep putting it off. I haven't even told him that I met Kyla. I think I'm going to be sick. I feel so
horrible right now.
Maybe I can't fight destiny.
~
04:24 pm
There's something I need to tell you.
Lex
I have something to tell you. I met somebody. Her name is Kyla. She's really cool and really nice and I think I like her a lot.
Something happened today in those caves while Kyla and I were looking at the paintings.
We kissed. And I liked it a lot. I'm so sorry, Lex. I don't know what to say. Nobody else has ever made me feel this way but you, and now I
meet somebody else and I feel different around her.
I'm really sorry.
Love Clark
~
05:54 pm
I think the choice was made for me.
I wanted to tell Lex right then in the cave. I wanted to spill every last secret, but I couldn't do it.
I asked him to give me time. I thought for sure he'd tell me to go to hell and leave. I wouldn't have blamed him.
I was asking for a huge favor when I asked him to help bail out Mr. Willowbrook. I thought if I showed him the cave he'd change his mind and
then something clicked while we were down there. Suddenly no matter what, even if those pictures are all true and are about me, I knew that
I was meant to be with Lex and that he was meant to be with me. I love him even more now than ever before.
We drove to the caves and I was so nervous. I wasn't sure how Lex would react. I thought maybe he would tell me I was insane. He was so
quiet and I understand that things between us could have ended forever right then and there. Although I didn't get that at the time, I got
it after, when we drove back to the mansion. I almost lost Lex for good and it would have been totally my own selfish fault. I don't deserve
him at all, but I'm so glad I have him, because if I didn't, I don't know what I would do.
After I showed him the cave and he agreed to help me, I couldn't stop myself. I wanted him right there in the cave. I was so excited and
before I knew it I had him almost completely undressed with his pants and briefs down around his knees. I wanted to worship him so I turned
him around and got down on my knees and did something I never thought I'd ever be able to do without blushing all the way through. I stuck
my tongue in his ass and it was the most amazing thing ever. I loved it, I loved him, and I wanted to do it forever. He tastes so good.
I jerked him off and after he came with my tongue in him, I pulled my pants down and fucked him. I didn't realize it at the time, but we
were leaning up against the wall with the key indentation in it. It was perfect as though it was meant to be. At first the whole thing
scared me and I wanted to run, but then I realized, it is meant to be. It was the hottest thing ever, being right there, facing that wall.
It makes me hard just thinking about it. I want to do it again and again. I told Lex I totally love him and nobody else, and that if he
would just be patient, in time I could tell him my secrets. He agreed to wait, though he looked hurt. I don't want to hurt him; I just want
us to be together. We both said that it was forever and Lex even said that I am the only one for him, which is perfect since he is the only
one for me. I don't care what that drawing of Numan's true love looks like, Lex Luthor is who I want, and I will never stop loving him for
as long as we both shall live. As far as I am concerned, we're married in our souls already.
God that is so much to wrap my head around. I feel so good about everything. I know that I did the right thing. Plus, my tongue was in Lex's
ass. I am so doing that again very, very soon. He has such a yummy ass.
~
09:14 pm
This is so hard to believe.
Sometimes Dad can be such a pain. I just knew he was going to be all excited about Kyla and have all these hopes for
her and me. I told him tonight that there was no way anything beyond friendship would ever happen. I mean, at first I thought something
might, but then I was reminded by my boyfriend who I really belong with.
Lex and I had a moment in the caves and it's a moment I will never forget. I love him more than ever before. I should have known.
I will admit that I had a moment of uncertainty, but I'm past it now. I feel so much better and I did something with
Lex that I never
thought I could do. I think he's probably the only person I could ever be that intimate with.
Chloe did some research and I think Kyla is hiding something from me. Something about her family. It's disheartening because she told me she
was being totally honest and now I have doubts. I know better than anybody that people are allowed to have their secrets, but I've shown so
many of mine to her that I wonder why she is hiding her secrets from me.
My mom came home shaken. A wolf attacked her. Something really bad is happening and I have a feeling Kyla has something to do with it.
Ever since I came back from showing the caves to Lex, I've felt different. I just hope my suspicions about my new friend are unfounded.
~
10:00 pm
You can all relax
Kyla is dead. She died tonight, trying to defend the caves. She thought she was doing the right thing. I feel so numb.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. I wanted ... I don't even know what I wanted, but I know I didn't want this.
I need to be away now.
~
12:19 am
I did it!
OH GOD!!! I told Lex!!! I showed him how strong I am. I told him I am freaky strong and then...
He kissed me and when I said "I love you," he said "Ditto".
I feel numb. I feel exhilarated. I ran home. Then called Lex to let him know I'd gotten home okay. It was five minutes from when I left the
mansion.
I have never heard Lex sound so happy. He's not afraid of me and I love him and he loves me.
Maybe one day I can tell him about the alien thing.
When I told him and showed him, he kissed me. He laughed and it was kind of nervous-scared. I was worried for a second, but he looked so
happy. Oh and he needs a new headboard which he said he'd pay for.
I broke a piece of his headboard off to show him how freaky strong I am.
Totally not related, I love when he touches my hair. It makes me feel loved.
He said I love you and kissed me!!!!! And he said he could never be afraid of me.
~
05:19 pm
He did it
Lex saved the caves and now they are protected.
Mr. Willowbrook gave the bracelet meant for Numan's true love to me. I didn't really know what to do with it, but when we were at the site
and Lex rode in to declare the caves protected, I knew what I had to do. I had to give it to my true love.
I went to give it to him and when we had mind-blowing chair-sex, I lost control and crushed the arm of the chair we were sitting in. Lex
didn't even blink. I felt so bad. I probably bruised him a lot. I know his hips will be black and blue. At this rate I'm going to break him.
He got this look in his eyes when I lifted him up so I could strip us. He wasn't afraid at all. He watched me and saw what I could do and he
wasn't afraid.
It was awesome sex. I locked the office door and sucked him off. Then he rode me and I have to say, I loved it. He was on top of me and it
drove me insane and when I grabbed the chair so as not to crush his legs, he told me to grab him and only him. In the end, I had to grab the
chair with one hand because --fuck-- that was the most amazing ride. He rode my cock to the point of total ecstasy. I can't even say how
great it was to know that he wasn't afraid and that he trusted me not to hurt him. He trusted me!
God I don't even trust me. I never trust me. But Lex does trust me. His body was all for me.
I asked him to fuck me. I wanted him to take me, but it was too much too soon, and I got that, but I just wanted to give him more.
I want to give him everything I can give him. I guess, we all hold back something, even if it's from somebody you totally love.
~
10:39 pm
The bracelet
I gave the bracelet to Lex. It was the only thing I could do with it. I had to. If I am truly Numan -- and how can I
doubt this when those paintings on the cave wall tell my life story? --Then the bracelet belongs to my true love. That's Lex.
Last night Lana stopped by. Whitney is missing in action. She was so upset, I held her for a while, as she cried. I didn't really know what
to say. I was shocked to say the least. I never thought about it but Whitney went away and was sent somewhere dangerous. He's just human and
can be hurt so easily.
People are so fragile. Yesterday when I was with Lex, I grabbed him and I know I left bruises. I know he's probably in some pain today.
I spent the whole day doing chores with Dad. After dinner we watched a game together and just hung out in the living room. It was nice. He
even asked how Lex was doing. We talked about the caves and I told Dad that I totally trust Lex to take good care of them. Dad's worried, as
always, about Lex and how close we get. I didn't tell him what I did. I don't need to tell Dad that I showed Lex my strength. I think I'm
going to tell Mom for sure. I know she'll understand. I know I can get her to understand.
It's totally freaky. I've gone down there again to look at the paintings. That one Kyla said was Numan and Segeeth draws me for some reason.
I don't know why. She said that they were best friends like brothers. There's so much to learn about them. I can't wait to start studying
their meaning. Maybe I can find clues about my home world.
I'm spending the rest of the night relaxing. I feel so burned out after everything that's happened and now the whole town is upset over
what's happened to Whitney. So far this has been a bad year. I just hope it gets better soon.
~
08:51 pm
So glad school is over
Between Pete and Chloe not talking, and a pop quiz in biology, my day went just super. Pete still insists that he
didn't snitch on his friend, or as Pete said to me three million times today, his ex-friend. I had to hear about it all day. I spent most of
my free time with him because I felt totally guilty that I've become Mr. Neglecter since Kyla.
After school I went over to his house to shoot hoops and have dinner with him and his mom and dad. It was a nice change. Pete totally cracks
me up. At least he didn't ask me why I'm not going after Lana. Although he did ask if I'd ever seen them do stuff. He asked about twenty
times, and I have to admit I found it highly amusing, even though I shouldn't. He's a total dog.
I promised him I'd talk to Chloe and try to mend things between them. I still have no idea what to think since he's still saying he wasn't
the ratter (is that even a word? Note to self: look up "ratter").
I called Lex at lunch and tonight. He said he's fine. I was worried that I'd bruised him a lot this time around. I grabbed him really hard
during sex. That was such awesome sex. I fantasized about it when I jerked off. Sunday night I did it in the loft and Dad came up just as I
finished. I have never been so glad that I can move fast.
I've alternated all weekend from freaking out to being excited. I probably should have found a better way to show and tell Lex than what I
did. I keep thinking about the look on his face when he saw what I could really do. He didn't flip. He looked so excited and so interested.
I wonder what he'd think of the heat vision. I can't wait to tell him how that started. When he hears that story, he is never going to
believe it.
I feel so tense tonight. I need to tell Mom what I did. I have to let her know that Lex knows something. I can't tell Dad. There's no way
he'd ever understand and maybe that just might make him rush over to the mansion and do something we would all regret. Then I'd have to
protect Lex, or I could sweep him away and we could run off somewhere far away together. Maybe we could go someplace where nobody cares that
we're gay.
I can dream. But first, I need to jerk off.
11:23 pm
It's a brand new month
And it feels like January took forever to end. I keep trying to tell Mom about Lex, but every time I see her face, I
can't say the words. She doesn't need this right now. She's working so hard and maybe I can just let this slide. It's not like Lex is going
to say anything and it will be fine. I totally trust Lex.
Nothing has changed with Pete and Chloe. Pete gives me these pathetic looks. He told me today that he really misses Chloe. Pete and I had
lunch together a few feet away from Chloe and Lana. At least guys have stopped staring at them.
I feel kind of tired tonight. I don't get tired easily so maybe it's something else. I miss Lex and I could call him but I have this huge
essay to write and Dad ordered me to work on that. He told me that if I want to keep my social life, my grades had better not suffer. I do
all my work and I still manage to do my share of the chores.
I keep picking up my cell phone, thinking I should call Lex. It's not like we have to talk every day, or see each other all the time. He's
really busy and I have school work, which is starting to pile up in a huge way.
Ugh, school sucks. Lex sucks but in a really good way. Now I want to throw my books in a bonfire or maybe burn them with my eyes. I could
say things got out of hand. I was thinking about Lex.
I doubt that would go over well with Dad.
~
Okay, so he's busy with work
11:14 pm
And we made a date for Friday but still... I wanted to see him today. I miss him. I want him. I should get everything I
want. The truth is I never do. If I did, Lex would know the whole truth and I wouldn't be so afraid to tell him. I wouldn't feel my stomach
clench every time I think about him knowing about my strength. I don't regret that I told him, I really don't. It's just, I haven't seen him
since then and it's driving me insane!
When I called he said he has a huge meeting in the morning that he has to get ready for. I even tried to talk him into taking a break but he
said he really couldn't stop now, not even for me. But he promised me Friday, so I guess I will just have to wait until then.
At least Chloe is finally willing to give Pete a break. She's still mad at him and I can understand. It's not like Lana and Chloe wanted
this. Lana is still uncomfortable, but at least she has her friend Beth. I seem to always see them together or maybe I just keep running
into them whenever they happen to be together. I'm not sure. Chloe just looked so sad. I wanted to hold her tight.
I want to run over to the mansion right now. I can't do that because then Mom would be mad at me and Lex wouldn't get any work done and then
it would be a huge mess.
~
12:24 pm
When I fall, I fall forever.
It's been almost a week since I've seen Lex and last night when I called, I got his voice mail. I told Mom what I
showed Lex, that he knows about my strength. She didn't freak out, but she was understandably concerned about how this would change things
between Lex and me. I am too. She said Lex is distant and looks tired.
I did this to him. Knowing even this one little thing about me is tearing him apart. I just know it. He hasn't made any posts and he never
once told me about being tired. What if I made a mistake? What if showing him tears us apart?
He hates me, or he's afraid of me, and he's too nice to just tell me so he's waiting for the right time. Why else would he be avoiding me
like this? He was probably so horrified when I showed him. He stayed calm until he could get away from me. He must think that I'm
disgusting. He must hate me so much by now.
I wish I'd never shown Lex. Mom is right, this will change things and I'm not ready for that. I can't tell him more. I can never tell him
that I am not even human, and that all these people in Smallville are dead because of me. All these freaks the meteors created are there
because of me. He's probably going to break up with me tonight. I can just see it now. 'Sorry, freak you are not worthy of me. I don't touch
monsters like you.' As much as I want to believe that's not what's going to happen, I'm afraid that it is.
I am a total freak. I am not even human. If I had told Lex about all of it, this would have already been over and I could have moved on. I
would have died inside. I already am dying inside. I want it to be over. I want him to break my heart so it can end and I can be a monster
inside like I am outside.
Hands that crush and eyes that burn: I'll never be normal no matter what.
~
12:02 am
Love is even for me.
Lex called me this afternoon. He asked me to meet him at the Talon at six for our date.
I couldn't go. I was too afraid and I thought for sure that he was going to break up with me because he'd come to the conclusion that it
would be better that we not be together. I was so wrong. After Mom and Dad went out for dinner I went out to the loft. I wasn't sure what I
was going to do, but I ended up losing control. It doesn't happen often these days, but I was so upset, when I picked up my cell phone to
use it, I crushed it. Just like that, I just closed my fist and it was little bits of plastic and wires: dead.
I hate when that happens. I hate when I lose control.
I touched the necklace that Lex gave me. I do that sometimes to calm myself down. I ended up breaking the clasp. Just one tiny
miscalculation and it snapped off. I started to cry and I couldn't stop. How could I have ever thought that I could be with somebody so
fragile when just one flick of my wrist could break soft bones?
When I didn't show up at the Talon for our date, Lex came looking for me. He found me in the loft with my broken necklace, crying. I didn't
even care if he saw me cry. I was too tired by then, but he took me in his arms and told me he loves me no matter what. He told me that
there was nothing I could tell him that could ever make him hate me.
After that, I gave him the necklace so he could have it fixed.
I feel calm right now. I feel like I can do anything as long as Lex believes in me. He does believe in me. I love him and one day I will
tell him everything.
After that we ordered in pizza and watched a movie. It was so nice and so perfect. I wanted him to stay, but he had to go home. His kiss
good night was the most toe-curling kiss I have ever experienced.
Lex is perfect and I feel like I'll love him forever. I have never felt so happy before in my life. He makes me feel like I am worthy of his
love.
~
08:49 pm
I have had the most amazing day.
I woke up this morning feeling totally awesome. Last night I kind of freaked on
Lex. We were supposed to go on this
date, but I broke that necklace he gave to me. It was so dumb, but I got so upset over it. I guess I'd been holding in all these pent-up
feelings that somehow I'd done something wrong. We hadn't seen each other in almost a week. He was busy, I had school, and I couldn't do
deliveries this week because I had way too much work to do. Lex had all these meetings. Sometimes I forget he has a company to run and the
town depends on him.
He came over last night when I didn't show for our date and found me in my loft. After we talked, where I foolishly told him I was afraid
he'd decided I wasn't worth dating. It was a snap moment. You know one of those moments where you think everything is going wrong. I was way
off base.
Lex told me that no matter what I tell him, he will love me. He said there was nothing about me that would ever make him leave. He said that
he loves all of me. I think I had the best night of my entire life last night. It was so perfect.
After I calmed down, we went inside the house. My parents went out to dinner so
Lex and I had the place to ourselves. It was so perfect. He
was so perfect. His smile is the most beautiful thing I have even seen. Today when I was with Pete at the Talon, he kept telling me that his
latest girlfriend was the magic one. I couldn't stop smiling. All I could think about was how lucky I am to have
Lex. A part of me just
wanted to tell Pete, but the truth is, I'm too greedy to share this feeling right now. I want it all for me. I know Pete wouldn't
understand. His new girlfriend showed up with a friend. Pete tried to fix me up on a blind date. Well, it wasn't totally a blind date. I've
seen Paula around before. She's nice, so I was very polite. I think she was mortified because her friend had tricked her.
Pete and Jenny went to the counter to get a coffee. It was a total ploy to give Paula and me time to get to know each other. Paula laughed
it off and we talked. We have nothing in common. Fortunately I couldn't kill Pete on the spot, or I would be in jail right now.
Once Pete and Jenny returned, Paula declared that she and I were madly in love. I totally spewed my latte all over the place. I did not see
that one coming, but it was funny.
The girls left and Pete declared that I was going to die a virgin. If his intention was to get me laid, that was so not the way to do
it. I urged him never to do that again. When he pressed me, I told him that I am already in love with somebody else. I didn't elaborate but
he immediately thought it was Lana. I let him think what he wanted to think. So then I had to listen to an hour of him telling me that I am
barking up the wrong tree. It was kind of funny to watch.
Sometimes I can be so cruel to my friends. It's not my fault that he can't think outside the box.
I spent most of my day with Pete, and then came home for dinner. I don't need to call
Lex or talk to him. I know he loves me and I will not
doubt that again. His exact words were 'I love all of you.'
Now I am going to do some class reading and look at the stars. The sky is so beautiful and clear, dark like my lover's eyes in twilight.
~
11:20 pm
Came home wet.
Why did she have to have that stupid necklace with her? I went to the Talon to help Lana with a leaky pipe. I wasn't
very helpful since I turned the pipe the wrong way and got water everywhere. Once Lana got me a towel to dry off, we talked about Whitney.
He's still missing but his things were sent home. His mom gave her back the necklace. She brought out this nice box. It looked similar to
the one Lex gave me. The box she got must have also been made of lead since I didn't feel the effects of the meteor rock until she opened
it.
It's been so long that I had forgotten how much it hurts. I could go forever without ever feeling that painful twist in my gut whenever I am
near those green rocks.
Lana said she is waiting to hear about Whitney before she'll wear it again, which means if she puts it on, I will have to stay away from
her. She still hasn't heard anything about him. The whole town is waiting. It's like they are frozen in time or something.
I keep hoping that the next day will be the day we hear something. Anything is better than not knowing.
~
04:40 pm
He's back and he's alive
Lana's been working herself to the bone since she found out about Whitney being missing in action. I thought that I
could treat her to a nice relaxing weekend, so I asked her if she wanted to go with me to winter festival in Grandville this weekend. Then
Whitney showed up.
It was so freaky to see Whitney. We all hoped for the best, but this is just so amazing and a little confusing because Lana rushed right
into his arms when she saw him. I didn't think things between her and Chloe were so bad that she'd want to run to Whitney. Maybe they
aren't. Lana was probably just so happy to see him alive.
When I got home from school, I talked to my parents about what happened. Mom and Dad know about Lana and Chloe because in a small town
everybody knows everything about everybody. That's why Lex and I have to be so careful all the time. Dad got mad at me because I was
thinking of skipping out on the welcome home party that Lana was throwing for Whitney. I feel a little guilty. It's just when I saw him some
of those feelings I felt about what he did to me last year came rushing back. It was stupid and the scarecrow thing happened so long ago,
but I couldn't help it.
I know we sort of mended things and he did say he was sorry before he left but ever since my parents found out about what happened, it
sometimes comes back to haunt me. I could have died if it hadn't been for Lex.
So I have to go and I will be really nice to Whitney and tell him that I watched out for Lana just like I promised. I will put everything
behind me and set everything aside. I know that Lana would want me to do that. I want everything to be good for her.
I never even realized I was holding onto these feelings. I really need to let them go. I wish I could talk to Lex about it, but then I would
have to explain my weakness to the meteor rocks. How the heck would I do that? What could I possibly say that isn't 'well, you see, I am an
alien from outer space and they hurt me'. I don't even know why they hurt me.
I think I'll just leave it alone and move past it on my own. I can do that. I've had to do that before so it shouldn't be too hard.
~
08:39 pm
There's something wrong with Whitney.
I went to his party at the Talon and he freaked. He acted like I was after Lana. He warned me to stay away from her,
and since Lex and I are not out of the closet, I couldn't tell him that I am very gay and have no interest whatsoever in his ex. In fact, I
wanted to tell him that she for sure would have no interest whatsoever in him, but he flipped on me. I went to the men's bathroom at the
Talon to find him throwing one of the stall doors across the room. He was crazy. He said that his training taught him all kinds of new
things.
I wish he would believe me. Both Lana and I told him that we are not dating and that we are nothing more than friends. It kind of pissed me
off a little. I mean, he wouldn't believe me no matter what I said.
He must be in really rough shape. He was so furious with me. I wasn't sure what to think. I wish I could have just told him that I am gay
and that unless Lana grows a penis, there is no way I would ever date her.
Chloe looked so unhappy at how much time Lana was spending with Whitney, and I don't blame her. I wonder if Lana thinks that things would be
easier if she were with Whitney. This could turn into a real mess. I know Lana would never abandon Whitney when he needs her, but she really
should just be honest with him. After all she's gone through, I really hope she doesn't decide that the Whitney road is the better road to
take.
~
07:39 pm
Now I know why Whitney is acting so weird.
He's not Whitney. He's actually Tina! I just got back from trying to talk to Whitney and he freaked out on me. He
pushed me far enough away that I knew something was up. I'm hard to push away. When I x-rayed him, his skeleton looked exactly like Tina's.
It had a green glow and I have never seen anybody else who has that glow.
At least I got away unscathed except now she is trying to get to Lana again. I will never forget how she tried to kill my friend.
This morning when I tried to tell Lana about Whitney's freak-out episode at the Talon, she said that Whitney claimed I did those things. Now
I know why. After everything that Lana and I have been through, I wish she'd trust me.
At least I got to see Lex. I stopped by the mansion after school. We played a few games of pool. He had a fight with Feegan. He thinks
Feegan took money from his dad to spy or something. I wasn't really sure what. I was surprised to hear him talk that way about somebody
who's been his friend for this long. I know Feegan would never do anything to hurt Lex.
The best part about the visit was when we went up to Lex's bedroom. I wanted to relax and help Lex relax. He looked so hot. I wanted to dive
on him, but I managed to restrain myself, mostly. I stripped him down and kissed him all over. I love to touch his bare, cool skin. He
looked amazing laid out on those sheets with his legs spread and his skin flushed pink from what I had done to him.
I took us both in my hand and stroked us together until we came. He came first and I watched him squeeze his eyes shut as he came all over
my hand and belly. Then I licked our come off my hand. It tasted interesting mingled together.
I felt so lazy after that, I didn't want to get up. I held Lex in my arms.
He is so hot. He has no idea how hot he is. I can't help myself when we're together and his body is beneath me. When we're alone and
I can be me, it's like paradise. I feel so much more relaxed now that I don't have to hide my strength from him. I look forward to the day
when I can be totally me with him. For now, this is more than enough.
As my friend Pete would say, I am so gone.
~
09:28 pm
This has been the day from hell!
Nobody believed me when I try to tell them that Whitney was actually Tina. Lana told me that I was crazy to think that.
Then earlier tonight, Tina pretended to be my dad and she put Lana's necklace around my neck. She threw me down into the cellar and left me
for dead, but my ship saved me. It did something to the meteor rock in the necklace. The green rock is clear now, and it doesn't hurt me. My
ship saved me! I had no idea it could activate without that key. It never has before, but I think that maybe it protects me.
Mom and Dad found me down in the storm cellar.
I am so glad this whole thing is over. I tried to reason with Tina. She was crazy. Besides it was totally creepy, fighting her when she
looked like me. When I first rushed into the Talon, there were two Chloe's. That was weird enough, but then Tina flipped out and knocked
Chloe and Lana out when the real Chloe proved who she was. Then she changed into me! I hated it and when I tried to stop her from rushing me
she was impaled. Just before she died, she asked me to take care of Lana.
What a huge mess. It's so senseless. Lana's friend Beth is dead. She died in Lana's arms. Tina murdered her for being in the wrong place at
the wrong time. Lana looked so traumatized. I wanted to find the right words, but what could I say? This girl who had once tried to kill her
returned and pretended to be somebody Lana once cared about. On top of that she murdered Beth. Lana cried in my arms and I had no idea what
to tell her.
Once Chloe and Lana got home safely, I came back up here to the loft. Mom is so awesome. She brought up a glass of milk and some cookies,
and sat with me.
I hold Lana's necklace in my hand and for the second time it doesn't hurt me. The last time was when I lost my abilities. This time, the
stone has been changed.
I just want to restart the day and make it like it never happened.
~
10:33 pm
I am so glad this week is over
Whitney is dead. They found his body. When I went by to try to talk to Lana, she wasn't up to seeing anybody. Later on,
I went down to the caves to be alone and Lana showed up. She apologized for not believing me.
She's a total wreck. Not only did she lose her friend Beth, but Whitney is never coming back. She couldn't stop crying. We stayed down in
the caves for a while until she pulled herself together, and then I took her home.
I don't even know what to feel.
~
10:55 am
A chill has settled over our town.
This is so hard for me. Somebody who was always a large part of the community is gone. Mom and I went by this morning
to see his mother. She's in really bad shape. After all the trauma Tina put her through, making her think that her son was alive only to
find out that he had died in combat: I can't even imagine how that must feel. I didn't know what to say to her. When she thanked me and
grabbed my hand, I just stood there by her bed at a loss for words.
I couldn't help think - what if it had been me, and my mom and dad had to deal with the loss. I was never close to Whitney, but when her mom
told me that he was a good boy, I just nodded and agreed. It was so hard.
Earlier in the week when I found her tied up and brought her to the hospital, I felt this rage. How could anybody do something like that to
another person? I don't know if I will ever understand what Tina did to Mrs. Fordman, Lana and Beth. We found out that Tina was the one who
outed Lana and Chloe. Pete just told me this morning that when I left him with Lana the other day, Lana turned out to be Tina. That was when
she told him what she'd done. I was so relieved to find this out. I was relieved for Pete and for Chloe, because their friendship has been
so strained. There was a part of me that just didn't believe Pete would have done it. I know he can keep secrets. I'm glad that part of me
was right.
Last night I went by the mansion to see Lex. I didn't even say much. We just sat by the fire, and I drank some hot chocolate. It was perfect
and exactly what I needed right then. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. Not a day goes by where I don't feel so glad that we met.
I was glad to hear that he and Mr. F had worked things out. They had a disagreement earlier in the week, but now things are better. It's
important to cherish the people you have in your life. If I've learned one thing this week, it's that we should never take things for
granted, because you never know when they will be gone.
~
11:53 pm
I wish I could figure out how the ship saved me.
Mom and Dad would probably be really mad if they knew what I did. I took a piece of the meteor rock down to the storm
cellar with me. I had it in this lead box and when I got down there, opened up the box. I wanted to see the ship do its thing.
It did something to the meteor rock again. The meteor rock is clear and completely harmless to me. I wish the ship could give me answers. I
wish I knew where I came from and why I was sent here. If only I could find out.
I sat for hours tonight, just staring at that thing. I hate it. I wanted it to stay gone. Now it sits, mocking me.
Mom came down with some cookies and hot chocolate and hugs. She's so amazing. I can't even imagine what it must feel like for her, having a
total freak for a son. I shoot fire out of my eyes; I float... who knows what I'll do next.
Late at night when I lie in bed, I have way too much time to think about these things. I can't talk to anybody about it. This journal has
saved my sanity so many times.
I have other things to think about now that Lex knows a little bit about me. Once I tell him everything, I'll be able to go to him with all
my fears and all my nightmares. I'll be able to share every part of me with him. Then maybe this feeling of guilt will go away.
~
10:42 pm
It's been a quiet weekend.
Lana's friend Beth was buried on Saturday. The service was just for close friends. Even though I didn't know Beth that
well, I went. Lex was there as well. I wanted to honor her memory. Lana read a poem. She said it was Beth's favorite.
My heart feels heavy. Whitney's body is supposed to come home in a few days. Mom's been really quiet the last few days. She's extra
attentive and I get that. She keeps asking me if I'm okay. I guess I am. I don't really know. Most of the time, I feel fine. Sometimes I
feel like it doesn't effect me then it suddenly hits me that I will never talk to him ever again. I won't get to tell him that I took care
of Lana for him.
I spent most of today with Pete. We talked about the past. I told him everything about what happened that night when Whitney and his friends
chose me for the scarecrow. I don't feel bitter anymore. I mean, it sucks that it happened, but it happened and there's nothing I can do or
say to change it so I just have to move on.
I still have nightmares about it. Last night I had one. I dreamt that I wasn't saved, that I was left out overnight and nobody came for me.
I was still there out in the field. It was snowing and people walked by as if they didn't see me.
I have homework to do. I put it off until now. I don't want to do it. I want to stare at the stars, and imagine other worlds. I want to be
somewhere else. I want to be with him.
~
03:13 pm
I just want to say
That Lex is the most awesome person ever.
Dear Lex:
Thank you for that great time last night. You were the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning, and I can't stop thinking
about how good you looked.
Love
your Angel
~
05:58 pm
I have my necklace back.
Lex had it fixed and when I went over last night, he gave it back to me. My hands were shaking so badly, I was afraid
I'd break it again, so I handed it to him and he put it back on me.
I gave Chloe and Lana Valentine's Day cards. I wanted to cheer them up a little. Ever the helpful friend, Pete reminded me that I have no
chance with Lana unless I have boobs and blond, perky hair. He seemed a little bitter when he said it. Then he proceeded to tell me all
about what he had planned for himself and Jenny. I was just amazed that he was still dating her.
I gave Mom three red roses and a card. I went over to the mansion to see Lex, and to give Mom and Dad some alone time. Lex was by himself,
just like I knew he would be. We went up to his private room and ordered in pizza. He looked so beautiful. I feel dorky saying that about
him. He's a guy but he really did look so amazing in the firelight.
His kisses were amazing, everything about him was amazing. He is amazing. The way he trusts me and holds me in his arms; he makes me
feel safe and yet exposed, but in a good way. He gives me something I never thought I'd have, he gives me unconditional love. It felt so
overwhelming before, but now it's different. I feel normal and he's the one who gives me that. There's no way I am ever giving that up.
I want to spend the rest of my life with Lex. I'd never tell him that. I did when I had that red meteor ring on, but I can't do it. The way
he touches me, like I'm breakable even though I'm so strong. When we kiss and I take his clothes off and he lies there, giving his body to
me completely, I love him even more.
We didn't have sex. I sucked him off and he pulled my pants and briefs down and jerked me off. I couldn't look him in the eyes when he did
it. I felt so vulnerable, like he could see right into me, and know what I was thinking. It's terrifying and exhilarating all at the same
time. He's so intimidating. He makes me want to show the world the best parts of me.
I am so glad nobody can read this because it's so mushy and I know I'd never have the guts to tell Lex all these things. I'll have to think
of a way to show him.
Now that I have the necklace back, I feel much better about what happened. I didn't mean to break it and whenever I lose control of my
strength like that it makes me feel five again. I'm reminded of why I can't have normal things that other kids have.
Lex is still wearing the bracelet I gave him. He wears it under his shirtsleeve, hidden from prying eyes. When I saw that he still had it
on, I did this little dance of joy in my head. Not a real dance, since I totally suck at that.
Things for Lex and me are perfect. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I totally love and worship the ground he walks on, not to mention
he has the hottest ass ever, and his cock makes me hard just thinking about it. This morning I woke up hard. I had this dream that Lex let
me suck him off, and when I realized it wasn't a dream, that it really happened, I jerked off. It was a good thing that I was alone, because
it took me less than a minute to come.
If I keep writing this post could become the mushiest post ever. For now I'm going to stop thinking about him and go see the real thing.
He's probably in major need of a break. I can give that to him. Maybe he'll let me suck him off again. That would be so awesome. I could
just walk into his office and get between his legs and suck him off while he does work. He wouldn't even have to stop.
~
11:45 pm
Holy crap!
I think I just died and went to heaven. When Lex stripped me naked and then stripped himself, and climbed up on top of
me and lowered himself on my cock, I almost came on the spot! He was so fucking hot. I have never seen him so happy and so fucking gorgeous
and so fucking... everything. I totally love him!
I want to go back to the mansion right now so he can ride me forever. Man that was the best sex ever. I didn't think when I went over
tonight that he would do that.
He is so hot! So hot! When I got home and ran into Dad I blushed harder than I have ever blushed in my life when he asked me what I
had been up to.
Lex rocks! I want to sneak back into his bedroom so I can have him ride me all night long. I want him to look at me that way for the rest of
my life. I want to see that happiness in his eyes every single day. I want him to love me forever. I want so many things right now. I am so
hyper. I went for a long run and hit the east coast before I stopped. I think I'm faster now. I was home in time to do chores and Mom and
Dad never even noticed I was gone.
Man, I wish every day would be like today. If we moved in together we could have it. I can't wait until I am old enough and we can be
roommates with extra perks. I can see it now, my flannels and jeans side-by-side with his suits and silk. I love this idea. I wonder how
he'd feel if I asked him about it?
Clark Kent and Lex Luthor; I really do like the sound of that.
Fuck, I need to go for another run or jerk off fifty times. I should walk into Lex's office and suck his cock more often, especially if it
gets me this hot sex the very next day.
~
09:04 pm
It's over
A part of my life is over. Today was Whitney's funeral. The whole town was there. His friends were there and the two
guys who helped him grab me to be the scarecrow last year actually apologized to me for what they did. I told them I knew Whitney wasn't a
bad guy, and I feel so much better. I feel like that chapter is closed.
Chloe got a glimpse of Lex's latest post. I made the mistake of reading it in the Torch office. She'll never let me live this down. She's
traveling tonight to Gotham with her annoying cousin Lois. She better not tell Lois about that post.
It's my dad's birthday this weekend. He and my mom are planning a nice picnic out and the evening alone. I told Dad I'd make myself scarce.
That shouldn't be hard. I plan to spend some time with Lex. He's been so happy these last few days. It's great to see how happy he is.
Tonight I plan to stay in and read. I haven't stargazed in a while so I think I'm going to run out to the far field and lay down in the
grass. The sky is so clear tonight. I hope it stays that way all night.
~
10:31 pm
Oh my god!
I can't believe this. How long has his dad been spying on him? Lex found all these cameras and bugs in his office and
we have had sex in there so many times! That means Lionel not only knows but he has proof, evidence of what Lex and I do.
I found Lex in his trashed office when I went over tonight to surprise him. I was going grab him and give him another one of my impromptu
blow jobs but when I arrived he was trashing his office. Everything was smashed, ripped to shreds or otherwise broken. He told me that his
father has been spying on him and he has no idea how long it's been going on.
I am totally freaked out. What if Lionel has proof? He could use it against Lex to hurt him. I can't even imagine a father doing these
things to his own kid. Why would he do it? Just so he could steal contracts from him? It's not fair. I don't want to think about it, but how
can I not?
Like when I told Lex about my strength. I could have done that in his office! What if I had? Then his dad would know. I am so terrified now
that I said something and I can't remember everything I said when I was in that room. What if it's been bugged all this time?
I helped Lex find the rest of the bugs and cameras while I was there.
Maybe I could go to Lionel and ask him to give whatever he has to me. I was going to say something to Lex about it but I think Lex has
enough on his mind. He was so angry. I have never seen him so furious. He lost the contract. A few days ago he told me was it a done deal,
and now his dad got it by spying on Lex.
The more I think about it, the more I freak out. What the heck do I tell Mom? How am I going to tell her 'hey Mom, I gave Lex blow jobs and
stuff in his office and I think that his dad might now have video and audio proof.' That would go over so well.
My mom is going to flip out. I'm going to have to go to Lionel and beg him to destroy them or something. There's no way he doesn't have
something. I gave Lex a blow job just the other day in there and Lex said he has no idea how long the office has been bugged. Just the other
week Lex rode me while I sat in a chair!
Fuck! Maybe I can steal them somehow. Maybe I should talk to Lex about this. He'll know what to do about it once he's dealt with what
happened. I know he has to deal with his company first. That is way more important than me. If something happened, so many people would
suffer.
I just can't believe that Lionel would do this. My dad would never even think to do something like this.
~
09:48 am
This was supposed to be a great day.
I can't believe my mom just chose her job with Mr. Big over my dad's birthday. I know she said she had to go into the
office and that this job means a lot to her, but I am stunned. I don't think I have ever seen my dad this hurt. Ever since mom left, he's
been withdrawn and kept himself busy. He won't talk to me at all. I wish there were some way I could fix this.
Last night, after I came home from Lex's place, I felt a little at a loss. I didn't know how to help him. Things with his dad have
deteriorated and when I found out what his father's been doing, I wanted to run and hide. He was bugging
Lex's office! Stunned beyond the
telling of it is too mild a way to put it.
Last night I was trying to think of a way to make things better for Lex when Lana stopped by. We talked for a while. She was feeling lonely
because Chloe is out of town and things have been so hard lately. I couldn't believe it when she told me she feels she's let everybody down.
She's so hard on herself. None of the things that have happened were her fault. There was no way to know that Whitney was never coming back.
There was no way to know that Tina would do all those things. And then she totally blows me away by telling me that she's going to try to
hold Chloe's hand in public at school! I was so surprised. I know how much she struggled with this and for her to make this decision...
Sometimes I think that she is the bravest person I have ever met. She's been through so much and she has always come out stronger.
So last night I shared the stars with her. It was so nice to have her there. She's really pretty and having her near made me feel this
warmth inside. When I'm near her, I feel content. I tried to offer her as much comfort as I could. She feels so fragile in my arms;
breakable, but not. She's really small compared to me. When I look into her eyes, I feel this connection. I've always felt connected to her
in some way or another.
I'm so glad that she stopped by. I've been kind of neglecting some of my friendships. When Chloe gets back, I think I'm going to ask if they
want to do something, just the three of us or maybe invite Pete along as well, now that Pete is in on their big secret. He's really trying
to be supportive of Chloe and Lana's relationship. Just the other day in the Torch office, he tried hard to be all cool about it. I know
Chloe appreciates it.
I feel so lucky to have my friends and to have built such strong friendships. I never thought any of this would happen. Just a few years ago
I had only two friends and nobody ever even looked at me as boyfriend material. Now I have
Lex and good friends who stand by me and who I
feel such a strong bond toward.
I really am one of the luckiest guys alive. I think I'm going to go talk to Lex about arranging something for my mom and dad. He knows the
best places to dine in the city, and I can't stand to see dad so upset.
~
11:50 pm
Where do I begin?
This day started off so bad and it went from there to worse. Nothing seemed to go right. I tried to fix things for my
dad, but when he saw that I had asked Lex to help, Dad freaked. He was furious. Lex and my dad had a fight. Lex told Dad off big time. I
kind of think Dad deserved it. I was the one who asked Lex for help and Dad just crapped all over him and his helicopter ride. Then when Dad
told Lex that Lex corrupted me, I was mortified. I couldn't believe my Dad humiliated me like that. I felt like a little kid.
After Lex stormed out, I tried to talk to Dad, but he told me that I can't fix this. He told me that I need to stop going near Lex. He said
all these things... It got worse once we got back from the city. Dad said he overheard Lex talking to the kidnappers. He said that the whole
thing was Lex's fault. He ordered me to never talk to Lex again.
I told Dad there was no way Lex would ever do something like that. My mom almost died! She had a gun to her head. Those guys could have
killed her. There's no way was Lex a part of that. No way.
My mind is in turmoil. Lionel had a file on me. He had bars of refine meteor rocks in the safe in his office. He had files on me! Mom told
me to burn them so I don't even know what was in them. I hate those meteor rocks so much.
I am never ever, ever, ever, ever going up high again as long as I live! That was so scary. I didn't even make it all the way across, and
what the heck is Lionel going to think about that broken window? Stupid idea! I almost want to yell at Dad for letting me go ahead with it,
but at least Mom is safe. I just keep telling myself that the most important thing is that Mom and Lionel are both safe, and the
thieves/kidnappers are in custody or dead.
After it was over, I was so happy that I didn't care how we got home. We ended up taking a bus. I held Mom's hand the whole ride. I was too
afraid to let her go. People gave me weird looks, but I didn't care. I was just happy my mom was okay.
They're up their bedroom right now; hopefully making up, not that I really want to go there.
I wish I could help Lex with his dad. The way his father just brushed Lex aside, I know it hurt him, but at least his dad is moving out of
the mansion. I heard that much before I gave them some privacy.
There's no way Lex had anything to do with this. There just isn't any way he could have... Dad is so convinced. He said Lex didn't deny it
when he confronted Lex about it.
We didn't ask Mom for details. I really don't want to hear anything else about it. The story has been on the news all night. They're still
running it. I wish they would stop talking about how I broke in against police orders and though I probably should be in custody. The cops
let me go. Is the press allowed to say that? Are they really allowed to say that I should be in jail? The press is so annoying.
At least I got to see Lex on the news. They keep showing him with his dad. His dad just brushed him off. I should have told Mom and Dad that
I would stay with Lex and go home with him, even though I know why I couldn't do it. Beyond the fact that I really wanted to be with my
parents, the media might have gotten something on tape. There were a lot of cameras.
Why did this have to happen? This whole day just needs to be erased.
~
02:34 pm
This totally sucks.
Mom came down this morning with her letter of resignation. She wanted to quit her job, but both she and Dad said she
needed to keep it, to spy on Lionel. I know if it wasn't for Mom taking that job, we might never have found out about the file Lionel had on
me, but this just makes me sick. I don't want any part of this and I have no say. I'm just a kid who's caught in the middle of everything.
There's no school today because of the holiday. After morning chores, Dad told me that when I do deliveries today, I have to go straight
home afterwards. He basically implied that I was not to hang out with Lex for any reason whatsoever. I didn't say anything.
I've felt so lost all morning. I called Lex last night but it went straight to voicemail and he hasn't called me back. I wanted to tell him
I love him, and I wanted to make sure he was okay.
I'm going to hang out in the loft between chores because right now I don't want to be near Dad. Pete called this morning to ask how I was
doing and to tell me how being friends with Lex is the worse mistake possible. It hurt to hear him say that. I tried to tell him that it
wasn't Lex's fault, but Pete won't listen. He's determined to blame Lex for everything wrong in the world. It's getting harder to listen to
my best friend make disparaging comments about my boyfriend.
Lana called as well. At least she wasn't down on Lex. It was nice to hear her voice.
Then there's the whole issue of what Dad claims. Dad point blank told me that Lex is not to be trusted at all, ever. I looked over at Mom,
but what could she say? She's probably thinking I was a fool to get involved with him and that I never should have told him as much as I
have about my abilities.
My heart is so heavy right now. I want to believe that Lex would never have anything to do with all this, but the more I think about it, the
more I realize that his family is so different from mine. I can't even understand any of it. Lex has done things in the past because he felt
he had to get one up on his father. I just wish Lex and his father could just get along.
I wish I could go to Lionel, talk to him, and try to get him to see what he's doing. He's killing his son, little by little; sometimes it
feels like all I can do is watch it happen.
I just wish that life wasn't so complicated. It's not too much to ask for, is it?
Now I can't stop crying. I want none of this to have ever happened. I want to live in a world where Lex and I could be together and just...
be, without all this. I know it's just a stupid kid fantasy, but I just wish...
~
08:49 pm
This pain is all I can feel.
He was just a few feet in front of me and I felt like that boy who walked into his house to return the keys to that
truck. I didn't know what to do or say. I felt out of place. Lex looked so tired. He tried to hide it, but I could tell. I saw something in
his eyes when I told him that I had to get home to do chores. If I didn't know better, I would say I saw hope die. My hands were shaking the
whole drive home.
I obeyed my father and only stayed long enough to say hello and make excuses. I wanted to reach out and touch him but I was so afraid, and
now that I'm home, sitting here alone in the dark, I don't know what I was afraid of. Maybe I was afraid if I asked him what his involvement
in all this was, I wouldn't like the answers.
Because if he really did have something to do with those men, what does it say about him, what does it say about me that I love somebody
like Lex?
I feel so alone right now. I can't talk to anybody about any of this. My parents would not get it and my fear binds me.
I need to run right now because if I stay here for one more second, I don't know what I'll do.
~
04:11 pm
That totally sucked
I don't know what got into me. I was just so pissed off at Lex. When I saw him walk into the Talon, my mood totally
changed. I was having a great time with Pete, and then Pete left because he didn't want to be near Lex. I didn't want Pete to leave.
Then I forced myself to stay and talk to Lex. It wasn't anything big, just small talk, but I wasn't in the mood so I lied and said I have a
ton of work to do at home. Lex chased after me! Right there on Main Street!
I really wasn't in the mood. When he grabbed me to stop me, it just set me off. I know I hurt him when I grabbed his arm and I feel so bad
for doing that, but I needed to get away. I was afraid that I would say something even worse. I was afraid that I would ask him right there
about what happened. There was no way I could do it right there because if I had, I don't know that I could have controlled myself.
When I got home, I was so frustrated that I had to burn a pile of fence posts with my heat vision. I thought that my heat vision was about
sex, but with Lex it seems the rules are always different.
I need to know. I can't keep this up.
~
04:58 pm
Lex, I'm sorry about this afternoon at the Talon. I've had a lot on my mind the last few days. I can't get that image of my
mom with a gun to her head out of my mind. It was probably the most terrifying moment of my life. Then my dad told me something I just can't
believe.
He said that he overheard you talking to the criminals. He said he thinks you had something to do with what happened. I told him there was
no way you'd do that. He really believes that you caused the whole thing. Is that true? Did you, Lex? Please be honest with me.
~
11:01 am
Damn, I thought I had the worst timing ever.
Last night, after I got no response to my last comment, I went to the mansion. I was worried. I thought for sure Lex
would drink himself into oblivion. I was right. I found him in his rooms drunk. He looked so beautiful in his silk pajamas, lying on the
sofa. He refused to tell me what was wrong. I promised him that I wouldn't leave no matter what. I tried to get him to talk but instead we
ended up kissing and I picked him up and moved him to the bedroom. It was so exhilarating.
I showed Lex my speed. He was impressed. I love using my speed to undress. Not only does it feel really cool on my skin, but it saves time.
It took way too long for him to get the idea that I wanted him to strip naked too, even though I asked him a few times. The look on his face
was so funny. Of course the look could have been because I was standing in front of him completely naked, stroking my cock. Somehow, I think
it was seeing me dressed then undressed in the next second. I always wondered what I looked like when I do that. I think I'll ask Lex the
next time I see him.
I felt so good. He was under me and I was in him, and then he said it. He told me he hired those guys. He told me right when I was about to
come that those men who held my mom hostage were hired by him. They were supposed to bug Lionel's office but they had other ideas.
Worst timing ever.
I couldn't stop. I was on the edge of a climax. Probably the best one ever and Lex freaking tells me right then that he hired those men
because he wanted to get back at his dad. Then later he told me that he did it to protect me and my family.
I grabbed the headboard in one hand and tore it apart. I didn't even realize I'd done it until afterwards. I think I almost crushed Lex's
shoulder. That's the third bed I've broken since I told him about my strength. Good thing Lex is rich.
I was so furious, but then Lex reminded me that I had made a promise and he was right. Lex means so much to me and just because he makes a
few bad choices does not mean I am going to walk away. I have made some stupid choices in my life.
After I cleaned up, I went back into the bedroom. I wanted to leave so I could think. I didn't know what to do or say. Well, I knew what to
say, it went something like 'what the heck were you thinking? I can't believe you would do something so insane!' When I said that my dad was
right, I realized that I couldn't just brush this aside, but I also realized that I love Lex.
He said that he had told me while we were having sex because he wanted me to take my anger out on him! I was shocked. He knows how strong I
am and he still tried to get me to freak out enough to hurt him. I think maybe he really didn't get how strong I actually am. There was no
way I was going to hurt him. I have never taken my anger out on a person. I've only ever broken things.
I showed him what my anger means. I moved him away from the bed and took that bed, which I'd already trashed, and threw it against the far
wall. It was like tossing paper across the room. To say that Lex was shocked would be an understatement. His exact words were - 'Fuck,
Clark'.
And through all of this, Lex was hard. I think my strength turns him on.
I forgave him and held him in my arms and jerked him off until he came. I love Lex for better or for worse. Man, that sounds like a marriage
proposal. I should just get him a ring and make him mine. I wonder how he'd react?
He was pretty shocked that I would forgive him. I tried to explain to him that even though he does crazy things sometimes, I still love him.
I love all of him. I hope he got it. I hope he understood. I might be totally shallow, but I have never been so turned on than I was last
night by Lex's reaction to my strength. I really like when he calls me Angel. The nickname has grown on me. I think it's the way he says it.
He sounds so in love.
It's totally insane and makes no sense but I think we're made for each other. I should call him today and tell him that. I think I will.
~
02:48 pm
How fast things change in my life
I feel like my life is constantly in a whirl. Sometimes things are good and sometimes they are so bad. After this past
weekend's events, things looked bad. My parents seem okay, but I think that my mom's job is taking its toll on their relationship. I have no
say since I'm just the kid. I was told to butt out.
Things with Lex seemed rocky until last night. Last night we, I'd say we talked, but it mostly involved great sex, lots of shouting and a
few broken things. We had a little fight but it's all cleared up now.
He's not perfect and neither am I so can deal. I love him anyway.
Just kidding, Lex. You are perfect, and perfectly sexy.
~
11:44 pm
Whoa!
My dad is in jail! The police arrested him. They think he shot Lex's dad.
I can't believe this. This is just not right. It can't be. My dad would never do that.
Lex's dad is in the hospital. I called Lex to see how his dad was doing. He said his dad isn't doing too well.
Things were getting back on track. Why does this have to happen?
~
07:57 pm
I hate to see this
My dad is in jail. I know he's innocent. I just know it, and not just because he told me so. I know my dad. I think Mom
actually thought for a second that dad might have done it. I guess Dad hates Mr. Big that much. I know no matter how much he hates him, my
dad would never take a gun and shoot somebody.
It's all over the news. The whole community knows. People give me these looks. The evidence is so bad. It all looks so bad.
My dad would never do this. I wish I could prove his innocence. Mr. S won't take his case, Lana saw the fight between my dad and Mr. Big,
the police had a search warrant, and I feel like my family is falling apart.
I wish it would all end. I miss my dad. I want him here, on the sofa, reading his evening paper, grunting when I ask him a question or
asking me what I did today. I did all the chores just so when he comes home, he'll be able to rest. I wish he'd come home now.
Mom is so strong. I wish I was as strong as she is.
~
10:46 pm
My dad
When I was a little boy, Mom and Dad used to hide the cookie jar up high. No matter how high up they put it, I always
managed to find a way to get to it. There was this one time when I was four I climbed up onto this old rickety chair that Dad was supposed
to fix. I was already strong at that age, though not totally invulnerable. I reached as far as I could, but no matter how far I reached I
couldn't get the cookies.
I crashed to the kitchen floor. I broke the chair and the counter and dented the kitchen floor. Mom and Dad came rushing into the room. Mom
was so panicked. I thought for sure I would get into trouble but Dad just laughed and laughed and he picked me up and brushed me off and
lifted me until I could reach those cookies.
There's no way that my dad, who took me in - never ever yelled at me no matter how many things I broke or how much trouble I got myself into
- would ever shoot anybody.
I am going to find out who did this.
~
11:24 am
He lied to me
After all the truths I've spilled and Lex can't tell me about the fight he had with his father... my dad sits in a jail
accused of something he didn't do and Lex can't confide in me.
I don't even know what to do now. Am I grasping at straws? Is Pete right? I found a bullet lodged in a beam where they found Dad. Is the
sheriff right? Am I just reaching? I know my dad didn't do this. I know that somebody is setting him up.
What if it is Lex that set him up? My dad knows about us. It would serve Lex to have him out of the way and to get rid of his own father all
in one stroke. I know Lex and his dad have a bad relationship and I've seen Lex kill somebody before, but would he really do this?
I have to just accept the truth. As much as Lex doesn't know about me I don't know him at all. Sometimes he does these crazy things, like
trying to bug his father's office.
I hadn't seen Lex for a few days because of all the turmoil. I just saw him at the hospital and I couldn't even comfort him. He warned me
away with a look. I wanted to hug him, but it was too public.
I just feel so betrayed and it's so stupid because I know I'm not forthright with him, but to hide something this big... he must have known
the sheriff would need this information.
That man in the hospital, Dominic, thinks Lex could do it. What if he's right and I'm wrong? What if Lex really is trying to get his father
and my father out of the way? I just can't believe it.
At least Ethan said he'd get somebody out to check out that bullet. Maybe when he does that things will clear up and we can find out what
really happened. If I have to watch my mom fret one more night, I don't know what I'll do.
Last night Mom was so amazing and so strong. She's the glue that keeps our family together. I sat in Dad's spot on the sofa and I didn't
want to go to sleep. I kept hoping he'd walk in the door. She sent me up to bed and she was right. Even if I spent most of the night tossing
and turning at least it gave me a chance to think about everything I've found out so far.
~
09:07 pm
That could have gone better.
I wasn't going there to accuse him of anything, but I was mad and I said something. I shouldn't have said it. I have
seen him kill before. I was just so mad that he lied to me. I was furious. My dad's life is on the line here. He could go to jail for a long
time. If Mr. Big dies I could be visiting my dad on weekends, in prison. On top of that,
Lex kicked me out of the mansion!
Lex makes me so angry some times.
He lied to me. He expects me to stay out of it. How am I supposed to do that? How do I stay out of something when it's my dad who's right in
the middle of it? How? Just tell me how I do that.
I wish this would all end.
He kicked me out!!!!!
~
08:22 pm
Everything is back to normal
Sort of.
Dad is home, Lex's dad is awake. We caught the real shooter. I didn't want to believe it was him, but it was him. He and my dad used to be
so close. It's so sad. I almost felt bad except that it freed Dad. He's been quiet since he got home.
Lex lost his company. I can't even imagine how horrible that must feel to lose something that you worked so hard for.
I'm just so glad it's over.
Now I want to make a public apology to Lex. He did not deserve my anger. My anger was misdirected and I was a total jerk. I was upset and
freaked that my dad would spend the rest of his life in jail. The evidence against him was strong and I was desperate but that's no excuse
for what I did. I treated him badly and I shouldn't have let my anger get the better of me.
I'm really sorry, Lex. I care about you and the way I treated you was not the way I should treat somebody I care about. You're important
to me and I know we already made up, but I just wanted to let you know that I miss you and that I'm really sorry about what happened. I'm
sorry for all of it. I wish I could help with your dad, and if I could do something to get you back your company, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I'd like to go on a date or something if we could. Or whatever you want. I'll do it.
Love
CK
That's all I have to say.
~
11:05 pm
Just an ordinary day
It felt so good to do something normal. Today Lex and I went on a date. I made every excuse I could to touch him in the
dark theater.
We went to see Constantine. I loved it. Keanu was so gorgeous. Lex was so gorgeous. He looks so beautiful with the movie light flickering on
his skin. I love him so much sometimes my heart aches when I look at him.
After the movie we went out for dinner and had Italian. He was a little quiet but I think I babbled enough for the both of us. Then he drove
me home and I kissed him good night. It was such a sweet kiss. I got just as excited by that tiny kiss as I do when he touches my bare skin.
It was a nice normal day and I wish we could run away together so we could have these days all the time.
09:52 am
I don't know what to think about these caves
If the paintings really are made by my people, then what do they mean? What does that language mean? I wish I could
read it. I wish I could know what it all means.
The picture of the girl is wrong. I mean, I am not in love with a dark-haired girl. I wonder if it means that I really am supposed to end up
with a girl?
I don't care because I am not letting some old paintings rule my life.
I've been down there every morning and every day after school this week. I want to know what they say.
I want to know what I am. Were all my people like me, with special 'gifts'? Why was I sent here? What were my people thinking when they sent
me here?
So many questions and I have no answers to any of them. I wish I could tell Lex about my true origins. Maybe he'd help me find out what it
all means. I'm just too afraid to lose him. I couldn't take that right now. If I was totally sure that he'd take it fine... but it's not
him. I know it's not him. It's me. I just can't stand to have anybody look at me like I'm a freak, especially not Lex. I love him so much. I
think about him 24/7. I want to call him all the time. I feel so stupid and sometimes I think if I didn't have him, I'd die or something.
I know he knows about my strength and my speed, but that's not the same as knowing that I came from outer space. I'm not ready to deal with
that revelation. Maybe Lex is. I know I trust him with my life and, at this point, I should probably trust him with my secrets, but I get
all freaked out when I imagine telling him.
I'll tell him. Someday. Then I can hope that he won't kick me out and never talk to me again. I had that nightmare again where he calls me
to the mansion and tells me that he found out about my true secret and then he hits me with a sword and tells me he'll destroy my life.
I woke up in a panic. The dream was so real. Just thinking about it makes me ill.
I need to get to class. I am so late.
~
08:55 am
This is just unbelievable
People used the caves for a party last night! The same caves that Kyla died to protect. Not only that, but my friends
Pete and Chloe went without telling me about it. I ran into Pete just before school. He was riding his dirt bike on the sidewalk. He's
crazy. I have no idea what got into him. I think the sudden death of our friend Travis, must have really gotten to him. He kept talking
about how we should all take chances. He even accused me of never taking any chances. He said all this stuff about how I'm a really
good-looking guy but I never go after girls.
If only he knew the truth.
After he took off, I stopped in at the Talon to talk to Lana about what happened last night. I wasn't at the rave, but Travis fell to his
death. I wish I'd been there to do something. Maybe I could have stopped it from happening. People think he was on some kind of drug and it
sure sounds like it.
Lana and I are going to see a movie together tomorrow night. We both feel like we've been drifting apart a little so we decided to make more
of an effort on our friendship. I am so glad we've gotten closer. We don't talk much but I really enjoy it when we do get a chance to be
together.
I got to school late again. It's really not my fault. I was trying to find Pete. He's not around. I hope he doesn't get into any trouble. I
know he's just upset and blowing off some steam so I'll probably try to find him later.
I stopped by the caves before school to see how much damage was done. Lex was there. He told me that he's having a professional cleaning
crew clean and that he's got new security that will let only me into the caves from now on. I had to kiss him for that one. He's so awesome.
I wanted to stay but I needed to get to class and we didn't want anybody to catch us making out. Maybe later we can do something in the
privacy of his bedroom.
The school called Mom and Dad and told them I've been getting to school late. They just ordered me to come straight home from school and
that I am not to go to the caves any more. Dad is really angry and Mom is disappointed, but they said I could still go to the movies with
Lana tomorrow as long as I get all my homework and chores done before I go.
I have to get to class now before I'm late again.
~
08:39 pm
Shoot!
Pete just stood in the middle of Main Street in front of a speeding bus. I had to use my speed to save him. Then when I
tried to get him to come with me to the hospital, he yelled that I'm an alien! The whole street stared at me. It was so embarrassing.
What the hell? Why would he do this to me? I am so freaked out. This is going to be all over town by tomorrow morning. Lex is going to hear
about it!
I think maybe somebody slipped Pete something. This is not good. Chloe said that they think somebody slipped Travis something and two other
kids ended up dead after the rave. It might have been some new designer drug.
~
08:38 am
Pete has something in him
And it's making him act strange. He just showed up in my loft and told me to leave him alone. He called me a freak and
used a green meteor rock to stop me from going near him. Then he told me he'd show people my ship.
He called me a freak. I feel so sick. I can't believe Pete would do this to me. I have to find him and get that thing out of him.
He called me a freak. I know I sometimes use that word to describe myself (it's even in my user name), but it hurt to hear Pete say it.
~
09:50 am
First Lex says I can go down to the caves any time I want
Then he turns around and because some guy he only found thanks to me says he doesn't want me down there,
Lex took away
my cave privileges. I can't believe he would listen to that guy and not me.
Chloe and I went down into the caves this morning to see if we could find something and
Lex showed up with this guy. Lex told me that I
can't go down into the caves anymore. He said that this guy wants nobody else down there.
And I can't believe Chloe! I just went to the Torch office to ask for her help and she was kissing some guy! She said she didn't even know
his name. Then she just brushes it off like she kisses strange guys every day.
Is everybody going nuts? Then she did this lollipop thing that turned me on. She did it on purpose. I just know it. She was practically
taunting me. At least I think she was. I mean, she was doing things to it with her mouth and her tongue, and I stared, and I dare anybody
not to stare! It was not something Chloe would do, but still, she seemed a little pissed off.
At least she agreed to find Pete and talk to him. He's acting so strange. I need to get my things together for class and then I need to tell
Lana that we have to do the movie another night. I have to help Pete. I feel so bad that I have to break our plans but at least this time I
can't give her a reason.
~
07:46 pm
How could Pete do this to me?
He put a red meteor rock in my pocket so I'd play along with him and Chloe. They were both infected with that thing.
I can't even believe any of this. I just got back from the hospital. Chloe and Pete are both okay and they forgot everything they did while
they were infected. Lana is so mad at me.
I have no idea how to make any of this up to anybody. Lex is never going to talk to me and when Chloe finds out what we did while she was
infected... if she talks to me, I'll be surprised.
I tried to talk to Lana and tell her that I needed to help Pete. Then Pete showed up and Lana got really upset. Then Pete must have put the
red meteor rock in my shirt because the next thing I knew, I was happy to raise hell with him and Chloe. We went to my loft and I showed
Chloe my speed and she fell and I caught her and then Lex was there and suddenly all the anger I'd held in all morning spilled out. I told
Lex never to come near me again. I told him that he's not welcome.
Then I pushed him away from me. Remembering the look of hurt on his face makes me so sad. I wish I could be mad at Pete but it's not his
fault. That thing made him do it. That thing in Chloe and him made them act out and made them crave excitement.
I got caught in the middle of it.
After Pete, Chloe and I left Lex in my loft, we went for a drive then we pulled over and I asked Chloe to suck me off and then told her I
would fuck her except I have Lex. Pete made this face then congratulated me for sticking it to Luthor. It was so horrible. I watched my two
best friends have sex in the back seat of Pete's car. I couldn't even feel worse about all of this if I tried. I hate red meteor rocks so
much.
How could Pete do this to me!!?!
After that, we drove to the Talon so Chloe and I could make out right there for Lana to watch. She caught us, all right. Lana was furious
and I have no way to explain to her why I was kissing her girlfriend in her own coffee shop. On top of that, people saw us. Chloe took my
shirt off and the meteor rock must have fallen out, because I snapped out of it and put my jacket back on. I pushed Chloe away and she
mocked Lana as soon as Lana came in. She told Lana that I told her everything about me. Lana ran off crying.
Then Pete knocked me out with a sucker punch and a green meteor rock in his fist. This story is so surreal. How am I going to explain to Lex
why I treated him so badly, and how am I going to tell him that I let Chloe suck me off?
After Lana woke me up she told me that Pete and Chloe drove off to jump the gorge. Lana was so angry. I had to run off to catch Pete and
Chloe and I made it just as the car flew off the cliff. I caught it and managed to drive them both to the medical center. The doctors took
the parasite out of them.
When I went to check on Chloe, Lana was there. She is very angry. I don't blame her. From her side it looks like I took advantage of Chloe.
I knew Chloe was under the influence of that thing. I was the one who told the doctors what to look for.
It's such a mess. There's only one thing I can do.
I went to the Torch office and found the school ring. I have the ring and a green meteor rock in the lead box that Lex gave me. I'm going to
see Lex. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't really have a plan yet, but I have to do something. I have to tell him what happened
with Chloe, and hope that he forgives me. The last time I did something with another girl, he said that I could never do that again.
He has no idea. Nobody does. They all think it's so easy, that I can just fight the effects of the red stone, but I can't. I only want one
thing when it's near. I want to give in.
~
03:40 pm
I did it
Lex knows. He knows I'm an alien. He knows. I can't get past this one sentence.
Lex knows I'm an alien. I told him last night. I don't know why. It just felt right. I was sitting there after showing him what the green
meteor rocks and the red meteor rocks do to me, and I just couldn't lie any more. I was terrified. I thought my heart would pound out of my
chest or something.
I did the most stupid thing ever. I went over last night with a green meteor rock and one of the school rings with the red rock in it. I
didn't really have a plan. I just figured I'd know what to do once I got there.
Lex was upstairs in his sitting room, drinking and reading. He let me in and I handed the box to him. I wanted to do it as fast as I could
before I turned tail and ran out of there. I told him that I needed him to see what I was trying to say. I decided it wasn't enough to tell
him, I had to show him. That was the only way he'd believe me for sure.
So he took out the green meteor rock and I fell over. It hurt but it was worth it. Lex was kind of mad. Now he knows my weakness so he can
use it against me if I ever try to hurt him. He said he never would, but even my parents keep meteor rocks around just in case.
He never really did use the green rock. Even after I put the school ring on and tried to rape him. He had the box in his hands the whole
time and he could have used it any time he wanted to, but he didn't. He tried to talk me into taking off the ring, but that didn't happen.
He said he didn't want to hurt me.
Eventually, Lex dropped the box and the green meteor rock fell out and I was weak enough for him to take the ring off. I'm so glad. I never
wanted to hurt him. I should have done it another way, but I didn't think. I never think. I was so stupid.
Then I did it. I told Lex that I fell during the meteor shower in a pod. And that was when the question period started. I knew he'd want to
know everything. At first I was so scared but then as he asked each question, I started to feel relief. Then I felt joy. He knew and he
still touched me and he still kissed me and he still wanted me.
I feel so good right now. I've decided that Mom and Dad don't need to know what I did. I can't tell Dad for sure but maybe I'll tell Mom in
time. I just need a few days, weeks, months, years to think about what happened last night.
Lex knows I'm an alien and he still loves me. He's going to protect me. I always knew deep down inside that he'd react this way.
Now, I have chores to do.
~
10:00 pm
Lana is probably never going to talk to me again.
I tried to apologize, but I couldn't explain to her why I did the things I did. I couldn't tell her about the red
meteor rocks the way I could tell Lex.
She thinks I took advantage of Chloe. I guess from her point of view that's true. I want to make this all better but I have no idea how. The
only thing I can do is give it time.
I'm not sure how much time Lana and Chloe are going to need before they'll forgive me. It's all over town what Chloe did. I'm just glad that
Chloe doesn't remember most of it. I told Pete what he did. He was a little angry that he slept with Chloe. He felt awful mostly because he
slipped me that red meteor rock and partly because he doesn't remember. He actually asked me if he enjoyed himself. That was one of the most
uncomfortable conversations ever. I told him that since I have a perfect memory and never forget anything I see, at least one of us will
always know how much Pete liked what he did.
I would laugh if I didn't want to cry. I guess Lana is right. If I can't tell her why I did it, then I shouldn't expect her to forgive me.
I went by to see Lex today. It was so weird. Now that he knows, I wondered if he would look at me differently, but he didn't. He treated me
the same way he always treats me. He was fencing with his instructor when I got there and I watched them for a few minutes. For a second I
was reminded of that day when I walked in and he threw a sword at me and almost hit my head. That seems so long ago.
We ate a light snack and played a few games of chess. Then he talked about some historical thing that I hardly remember because I was too
busy staring into his gorgeous eyes. I had a great time. Everything was like always. I told him about Chloe and Lana but he really didn't
have much advice except to give them time. We didn't really talk about IT. He didn't ask me any questions which I was so grateful for since
I was just so nervous. He put me at ease and made me feel so normal. He's so good at making me feel normal and special all at once.
Now I have a ton of homework and the sky is clear tonight.
~
09:28 am
This morning was kind of nice.
I spent all morning from 3 am until now doing chores. I like it when I have so much to do I can barely think about
anything else. This time it didn't really work. I shared something with Lex the other night and it's blowing my mind now that I have a
chance to really think about what happened. I feel much closer to him than I have ever felt to anybody else in my life.
I also have a lot of apologies to make today. I want to go see how Chloe is doing (that is if Lana even lets me in the front door) and I
have to stop in to see Mr. K. I said and did a few things to him that really needs an explanation. I just hope he forgives me.
I have more chores to do before I go see him. I'm taking my time this morning because I want to think about everything that's happened.
I ordered Mom and Dad to take it easy. They are still in the house lounging so I'm glad they took me seriously.
I feel drained now that I've sat down to make this entry. I need to take a nap. Then I can finish work and then I can go see Mr. K then
Chloe.
Maybe you could stop by later, Lex? I'd like that. Give me a call or leave a comment to let me know.
~
10:34 pm
Warning: falling freak may dent concrete.
So, I woke up from my nap floating, my back pressed to the ceiling of the loft. Mom was yelling at me to wake up. It
was so disorienting. One second I'm having this wonderful dream where Lex pledges his undying love for me. The next second I am floating,
staring at the concrete floor of the barn; the floor of the barn way below me.
Seconds later, I crash landed right in front of my mom.
She freaked out. I know she was trying so hard not to freak, but how the heck are you supposed to react when you find your son floating?
I was freaked out. I haven't floated in a long time. I thought for sure it was just a phase. I guess not.
I was too freaked out over what happened to go see Feegan or Chloe. I stayed home for the rest of the day with mom. She was really cool
after. She made me my favorite cookies and I even managed to steal some raw dough, not that she didn't already know I was going to do it.
She knew. Mom always knows.
I wanted to talk to her about Lex, but it felt wrong. I didn't want to spoil the time I had with her. It was really nice.
Later, after dinner, Lex called and we talked. Not once did he ever say anything about me being an alien. I keep expecting him to start up
with more questions. I guess he's going to give us some time to get used to the idea that things are different between us.
I just love the sound of his voice. I just love having a normal conversation with him. At least he doesn't ask me to do tricks. Sometimes,
when Pete does that, it can be annoying. I haven't really told Lex about the heat vision or the x-ray vision. I wonder when would be a good
time to bring it up.
~
09:23 pm
Just another regular Monday
School was so much fun. Not. I stayed out of Lana and Chloe's way. Chloe only talked to me long enough to tell
me that she doesn't have anything for me to do for the Torch. Lana didn't smile back at me in the hall. I guess I deserve it. If I could
tell her why I did those things... but I can't.
At least Pete is still talking to me. And I still have you, Lex.
I came straight home after school. I have a lot of homework to do tonight.
I can't believe some of the things that Chloe did. The boy's locker room is full of talk about how cute Chloe looks naked.
I totally forgot to tell you. I floated again the other day. Mom found me in the loft. I was in the rafters. The fun part was when I fell to
the ground. You can stop by and see where I made a dent.
I'm so glad I can talk to you about these things.
~
10:31 pm
LEX KNOWS!!!
Suddenly I feel really freaked about all this. I just had to jerk off twice in a row. I went by the mansion to see Lex
tonight and we didn't really talk. We just hung out on his bed and made out. I wasn't sure what to talk about. Now that he knows my secret,
it's harder and easier. I don't have to make up lies for why I do the things I do, but now I feel like we're starting off new. I wonder what
he thinks when I tell him that I float. I wonder how he'll react the next time he sees me do something freaky. I don't want to do freaky
things in front of him. It makes me feel exposed and like if he really sees it, then the truth will hit him and he'll leave me.
LEX KNOWS!!!
I told him in comments earlier today that I touched my alarm clock and it smashed under my fingers and he was all 'ho-hum that's nice. I do
that sometimes too, only probably not as damaging.'
HE KNOWS!!
Of course it's not as damaging. He only knows the half of it.
I fixed the floor in the loft in a half hour and the new alarm clock is all set beside my bed. It's all ready to die a horrible death the
next time it goes off and I'm only half aware of what's going on.
There's this part of me that regrets telling Lex. What if it's a huge mistake? What if he loses interest in me now? What if, when he sees me
shoot fire out of my eyes, he runs screaming for the nearest fire extinguisher? So many what ifs? I go nuts just thinking about all the
things that could go wrong or the things I could say that would be just too much for him to take.
There's still so much I have to tell him. I still have to tell him that I might not stop here. He knows that I get faster every year and
that I get stronger every year. Last year when he shot me, the bullets left bruises. I should probably tell him about that. I wonder what I
should and shouldn't say. Maybe it's better to just move forward and hope. I have hope. I know I have that much. I can hope that he doesn't
freak when he sees just how different I really am.
He's seen my body and that's the same as any other human's body, so maybe I can just not freak out so much over all of this. It's so easy to
type but not so easy to do. I panic whenever I know I'm going to see him. I wonder how much longer he'll let me be just me. I want to be
just Clark. I don't want him to see a thing. I want him to see Clark, the same guy I was last week before I told him I was an alien.
But then there is another part of me that is so excited, I can't wait to show him all of me. I keep forgetting that I can be myself around
him. I was still careful when we made out. I kept telling myself not to touch his bed because I've already broken two of them.
If I can be me, why is it so hard? Why am I so scared?
~
09:18 pm
I thought it couldn't get worse
Pete apologized to Chloe for things I told him about that he can't even remember doing. So now Chloe knows what
happened in the car and I can't give her an explanation for any of my actions. I should have just lied, made something up. I mean with all
of them. Instead I just froze when Lana asked for an explanation. Now everybody thinks I did those things of my own free will. I should
never have told Pete what happened, but I felt like he should know, especially since Chloe is one of his best friends.
Lana still won't talk to me. Somebody took pictures of Chloe on the day she ran through the boy's changing room naked and made flyers and
posted them around the school. I took down every one that I found. Pete helped. I totally freaked on him. I probably shouldn't have told him
about the car. He feels bad but I guess I understand why he wanted to apologize to Chloe. Still, I wish he hadn't said anything.
I know, time will smooth this over. It just sucks. I just want it to be over. I should hide until it's all over, or better, just stay out of
their way.
~
09:59 am
The other night was a lot of fun
Has anybody asked you about that mark on your neck yet?
Now that you know why I can sneak into the mansion so easily (just to let you know I would never use my abilities in a bad way), I can rush
over to see you anytime and you won't ask questions.
Last night was so nice. You looked nice. You always look nice. How do you do that? It was nice to see you smile so much. I don't think I've
see you smile like that in a while. I said nice one too many times, didn't I?
Lana still isn't talking to me. I had to take more of those pictures of Chloe down yesterday. Chloe and I had a huge fight and she accused
me of being the one who took the pictures of her and of making copies. She was really upset. I tracked down the real person that did it.
Before I turned him in to the principal, I made him give me all the copies of the pictures and threatened him if I found out he didn't give
them all to me. Then I destroyed them all by burning them with my eyes. (I made sure nobody saw me.) I even gave Chloe the camera that he
used. She kept it.
At least now she's talking to me again. She forgave me. She always forgives me no matter what crazy thing I do. I'm really lucky to have her
as a friend.
So maybe I would use my abilities just a little in a bad way, but only to defend my friends. I hated seeing Chloe so upset. It really
bothered me that I couldn't comfort her.
I can't wait to see you so I can rip off all your clothes and make you mine all over again.
~
04:41 pm
I feel so rested
Yesterday was so nice. I got to drive Lex's new Porsche. Those things are a little cramped for my taste and they don't
go as fast as I can run, but it was still so nice to see Lex happy. He looks happy a lot lately. I guess things are going to be okay for us.
He always says the perfect thing at the right time.
Yesterday afternoon we met at the Talon for a coffee and to chat. Lex encouraged me to talk to Lana, but she asked for something I couldn't
give her. I know Lex is right and that I just need to give her some time. Chloe forgave me so it's only a matter of time before Lana
forgives me as well.
After the talk Lex and I had the other day, the one on my LJ where I basically told him everything I can do, I was afraid he'd say he
couldn't deal, but instead he came by that night and we sat and talked about everything but my heritage. His kisses were sweet and gentle. I
can't even tell him in words how much he means to me. I think maybe he wouldn't believe me.
I could not imagine telling anybody else these things. I was so terrified. When I looked down into Lana's eyes and she said all I had to do
was explain what happened, I felt this pang. I really wish it were that easy.
I got to hang out in the loft today and do my homework. I'm taking my time and playing with the solar system discovery kit that Lex got me
way back when. I'm in my lazy worn out jeans. The ones that have holes everywhere.
It's really nice out and I went for a run earlier. I love to just run flat out and become nothing but a blur that the rest of the world
can't see. It's an amazing feeling. I wish I could describe it to Lex.
Mom made the most amazing pies. Dad is taking it easy. I love lazy Sundays.
~
10:05 pm
Last night I got a surprise visit from Mr. K. It was really nice to see him. We hadn't touched base for a while and he
told me he was just passing by. We talked for a while until he made a really uncomfortable comment about Mr. Big that kind of grossed me
out.
Once we got past that, everything was fine. He seemed really lonely. His boyfriend is out of town and I think he just wanted somebody to
talk to. He said I helped him, even though all I did was show him my telescope. He's a really nice guy. I kind of checked him out. I felt
bad after but at least he didn't notice.
Early this morning I stopped by the Talon to talk to Lana again. I know I shouldn't have, but it's really bothering me how things are
between us. She still won't really talk to me and always sounds mad when we have a conversation, so I thought I would apply for the job she
just posted. It was a spur of the moment thing. I thought maybe if I was around more she'd forgive me faster.
I saw the sign in the front window and when I told her I wanted the job, at first she said no but then she said she'd put my application in
with the others. She'll probably hire somebody else, but at least I know I tried. It's really the only way I can try to make what happened
with Chloe up to her.
Then this afternoon while Pete and I were playing some basketball, Lex stopped by with his brother. I was a little shocked since he'd told
me that his father had said his brother died when he was young. Only his brother didn't die. His father hid him all these years. This is the
guy who Mrs. Dunleavy thought I was. No offense, but he's a jerk. I already don't like him and I think the feeling is mutual. We played a
friendly game of basketball and I showed off a little. I admit that he ticked me off with his attitude. He was all 'if you were raised by
Mr. Big, and Lex was raised by your parents you'd be all miserable.' Jerk! Lex is not miserable. He's just fine. Lucas just doesn't know him
at all.
The part that made me almost laugh was when Pete said that Lex and I are like brothers. Lucas noticed that
Lex and I seem close. I guess he
might be a little jealous. Not that I care. He's a big jerk.
Anyway, the game got a little rough when he tried to knock me down. Then he left with Pete. I guess Lucas had to get to the mansion so he
could stab Lex in the back. Triple jerk.
So I was right about him. He was a jerk. Mr. Big and Lucas left Lex penniless and kicked him out of the mansion and now he's living with us.
He's right here beside me. He just smiled at me. He looks a little down. I guess I don't blame him. He finds his half brother only to have
this happen to him.
I think he needs a kiss.
That feels so much better. Lex is going to stay in our guest room but I plan on staying here with him as long as I can get away with it. Mom
and Dad are probably going to bed very soon and I told Mom that I was going to spend some time with
Lex since Lex is feeling so down over
what his new brother just did to him.
I am so excited. I want him to stay with us all the time. Maybe if Mr. Big won't let him back in the mansion,
Lex can live with me
permanently. That would be so cool.
I think I'm going to punch Lucas' lights out when I see him.
~
09:43 pm
This has been a busy day
Early this morning I went downstairs to find that my dad had put Lex to work. He said
Lex wanted to do his share of the
work. To my dad that meant my share, dad's share... so when I went out to find
Lex in our barn, mucking out the stalls, I was a little
surprised because he looked so content. He refused to let me help him so I sat and watched as he told me stories about his times on a ranch
in Montana. It was the highlight of my day seeing him this way. He was himself. He didn't have to pretend or try to impress. He never has to
do that around me.
I think if Dad had his way, we'd keep Lex as a farm hand. I wonder if he'd take the low wage. Actually it would be no wage. All he'd get is
my mom's home cooked meals and a roof over his head and me, but he already has me.
I have to admit, Lex looked totally hot, mucking out stalls. It was odd to say the least.
I got the job at the Talon. Lana decided to give me a chance and as soon as she hired me, guess who walks in the door.
Lex's brother Lucas,
who tried to take over. Unfortunately for him, Lex made sure that Lana would never lose the Talon, so Lucas couldn't do anything except blow
smoke. I have never met anybody so arrogant. He's so full of himself.
I guess I really don't like him. Usually I like most people, but this guy just came into town and took over
Lex's life. It totally
infuriates me. I know he's had a hard life, but does that give him the right to act like such a jerk?
He was hitting on Lana, and I wanted to laugh in his face. She was not taking the bait although I have to say, I found it really amusing to
watch her shoot him down. The look on his face was worth it, even if he glared at me and yelled at me to get back to work. Lana took him on
with no problems. She's so cool.
At least today she actually smiled at me and didn't laugh when I put on the apron. After my shift was over, I took some coffee over to
Chloe. She was working at the Torch as usual and helped me find out some information about Lucas. When I gave it to
Lex, he was really upset
and stormed out of here. After he came back he went up to his room. I hope he's okay. I'm going to go talk to him for sure.
I'm kind of tired of my dad telling me that I can't trust Lex. I trust Lex with my life, and I told Dad that today. He didn't hear me. It's
like he thinks I'm too naive or dumb to make my own choices. I know that I took a huge chance and I think it's the best choice I've ever
made concerning a close friend. I just wish my dad could see how good Lex is for me. He's made me open my eyes to so many new things. I
never would have gotten as far as I have without him.
I know that no matter what my father thinks, Lex and I were meant to be.
~
02:07 pm
I had an interesting night last night
I know I shouldn't have gone into Lex's room last night, but I was worried about him. He looked so down when he came
back from seeing his brother. He didn't want to talk about it, so instead I stayed for a while just in case he changed his mind. He never
did get a chance to talk because I was so horny. Once he touched me, I was hard before we kissed and I couldn't stop myself.
He jerked me off and it felt so amazing. It was fast and hard and his hand on my cock felt like a blessing. He felt so incredible. Even if
he just looked at me, I think I'd be satisfied. Lucky for me he didn't just look, he touched. I think we both needed it. I know I did. His
lips on my nipples drove me insane. It was so hard not to cry out, but I bit my tongue to make sure I didn't make a sound.
After I came all over his hand, I slid under the covers and sucked him off. At first I was terrified we'd get caught, but once my mouth was
around his cock, I couldn't think of anything else. I love to suck him. He smelled musky and earthy with a hint of apple, different than
usual. He probably used my apple scented soap when he took a shower.
When he said he wished he could have me in his bed every night, I can't even describe how I felt. He loves me that much. Sometimes it's so
hard to believe.
I didn't want to leave, but I had to and when I went down to get a glass of milk, Dad was up. He knew I'd been in Lex's room and I thought
for sure he was going to give me a hard time, but he didn't. He was actually concerned for Lex. I tried to explain to him how much Lex means
to me. I know he doesn't get it, but I think he's trying.
This morning, once Lex was out in the field doing more of those chores Dad has him doing, I thanked dad for letting Lex stay. He smiled and
said that it was actually nice having him around and that he was really impressed at how Lex never once complained about a single one of the
chores he was asked to do. I've never been so happy to hear something. I think my dad has finally seen at least a little of what it is I
love so much about Lex. I heard him call Lex son!
I've never been so happy. I kind of feel a little bad that Lex's misfortune makes me feel so good.
I have a second shift at the Talon today. Hopefully it should go okay. I want to go home first and check on Lex. I hope my dad doesn't
overwork him.
~
11:29 am
I should get shot at more often
It's not like that guy was aiming for me, and it's not like I had to jump in front of those bullets, but no matter how
annoying I find Lucas, I did it for Lex's sake. I keep hoping that Lucas will change his mind and that things between him and Lex will work
out.
I was late for my second shift at the Talon. As soon as I walked in, Lucas ordered Lana to fire me. Lana stood her ground, but then he
threatened to close down the Talon then left. I chased after him to tell him I would quit, and not to take the fact that he doesn't like me
out on Lana.
Just as I ran out into the back alley, somebody on a motorcycle showed up and started shooting at Lucas. I was not surprised that he'd made
enemies. He seems like the type.
There was nothing I could do. I had to act fast. That guy came out of nowhere, and if I hadn't done something, Lucas would have been dead
for sure. Lucas was so stunned, he stared at me for ten minutes without saying a word. I could practically see his brain trying to figure
out how I had done it.
I'm just glad I was there to save him. Two of the bullets hit my back, and three of them bounced off my hands. Not even a bruise on me this
time around. I must be getting tougher.
Lucas thanked me and went back into the Talon to call the police because I had knocked that guy out. He also told me he was going to tell
Lana that he wasn't going to shut her down. I thanked him for changing his mind. He seemed pretty shaken up, but then somebody tried to kill
him. I guess anybody would be shaken up by what happened no matter who they are, even a Luthor. I have to admit I like him just a little bit
more now, even though at first he did threaten to close down the Talon. Since he changed his mind really fast after I saved him, everything
is back to normal, sort of.
I had to leave right away because there was no way to hide the bullet holes in my clothing. Once Lucas went back inside, I ran back to the
house and sneaked past my parents so I could change before they saw me. I didn't want to worry them more. Lex caught me. He came in just as
I was changing my shirt. He kind of freaked and the look on his face when I told him what had happened was one I'd never seen before. He was
really worried about me even though he knows I wasn't hurt one bit. It was nice to have him fuss over me. He made me tell him every detail.
I have to admit, that was kind of nice to have somebody who cares so much, they want to know all of it.
It didn't hurt that he touched me a lot as he examined my hands and my body. It made me shiver to have his eyes on me that way. His caresses
made me so hard. I think it was the love in his eyes that got to me the most. I wish Dad could see just how much Lex cares about me. I wish
everybody could.
After last night, I am never going to doubt Lex.
~
11:43 am
I thought Lucas was going to hurt him
Lex is back in his mansion. He's not living here anymore, and that made me feel so lonely last night for some reason. I
miss him already. He even got his company back and put Lucas up somewhere away from their father. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around
the fact that those two are related at all. They have a real father in their lives and I've never even met mine.
I wish Lex had been honest with me. Then maybe I wouldn't have run all the way to the city to discover that Lex and Lucas were in on it
together. They tricked their father. It was surreal to watch Lex, duct-taped to a chair playing a dangerous game with Lionel and Lucas. I
still can't believe that Lionel shot at Lucas. The gun had blanks in it, but that doesn't change the fact that he shot at him and called him
a crazy person.
It's such a mess. I have no idea how Lex does it. If my family was that insane ... I just don't know how he does it. I guess being a Luthor
is just something you have to do for a long time or something.
Lex stopped by last night to pick up the rest of his things. He said he sent his brother away and that he's going to try to build a
relationship with him. I hope it works out, and I hope Lucas realizes that he picked the right team when he picked Lex. I didn't tell him
that I followed him to the city. There was no point. It all worked out in the end.
This has been such an insane week. My life is never normal and I should probably just face up to it.
I had another flying dream last night. I wasn't floating when I woke up, but this time I dreamt I flew over the fields. It was peaceful. I
just wish all my dreams were peaceful.
I was fired from the Talon job. Lana said she accepted the fact that I'm the way I am. I think she meant unreliable. I can't help it. I have
to help people, especially Lex. I would drop everything to help him.
Now I am looking forward to a quiet weekend where all I have to worry about are the chores. With Lucas gone and out of our lives, I feel
like things can calm down again. I still kind of wish Lex was still living with us. It felt safe having him near me. I felt safe.
~
10:41 pm
A nice relaxing weekend
It was such a hectic week, I was happy that the weekend was so uneventful. I gladly buried myself in chores and
homework. Today I went horseback riding with Lana. It was really nice. It's been a while since we've done anything where it was just the two
of us.
She told me all about her late Valentine plans with Chloe. It sounds like they had a great time. It's so nice to see that things for them
have calmed down.
Lex has a brother. I might not have mentioned this. His father was hiding him all these years. This was the son that woman who showed up a
while back was looking for. I really didn't get along with him. He was a little nasty and did a few things, like threw
Lex out of his house
and took all this things, and spent Lex's money, and other stuff. Eventually Lex and his brother worked it out, so now he's living somewhere
away from their father. Lex didn't say where. He wanted to make sure he was safe from fatherly interference. Oh and
Lex got his company
back! That is so cool.
I've mostly been working on the farm and doing homework. Lex stayed with us for a few days. That was really nice. My parents were great.
They let him stay when Lex had nowhere else to go. Dad had no trouble putting him to work, and let me tell you, Dad really put
Lex to work.
It was interesting to watch. Lex really pulls his own weight. Plus he looked really good all sweaty.
I really hope that this week is as quiet as the weekend. It would be such a nice change of pace.
~
10:36 am
Everything was fine
This morning was just fine, even if Dad wouldn't let me help him with the kitchen sink. We were in the kitchen when Mom
came back from the storm cellar. She was out there getting some preserves. She seemed fine, then suddenly she started to cough and she fell.
Luckily I caught her because she'd dropped a glass jug just before and would have fallen on the pieces. She stopped breathing.
We rushed her to the hospital and she's stable now. They can't figure out what's wrong with her but I know it's going to be okay. She has to
be.
Dad sent me home and asked me to finish up all the tasks Mom was working on for the charity event she's been planning all weekend. I know
it's what she would want, but I really wish I could be with her right now.
I'm feeling so panicked right now. I've never seen her so sick and it's terrifying me. I only came home because Dad asked me to. I looked at
the long list of things Mom was going to do today. She works so hard. I never thought about how hard she works to make things run smoothly.
She's so organized.
I remember this one time when I was five and I was playing in the kitchen. She was sitting at the table. I climbed onto her lap to ask her
what she was doing. She told me that she was making a list of the things that she needed to do that day. I remember asking her if I should
make a list and she smiled and said sure. So she gave me a piece of paper and a pencil even though I couldn't really write at the time. I
scribbled some pretend writing and told her what it said. I think it was something about play then give her a kiss. Mom was so cool. When I
asked her to tell me what her list said, she read the whole list to me and pointed to every word. Even though she had so much to do, she sat
there with me for an hour, explaining everything on the list.
I know my mom is going to be just fine. She's a fighter. Now I have to get to work and finish this list of what needs to get done before the
event.
~
07:21 pm
They're gone
The ship is at Pete's, and those guys are gone, and I feel really sick. I told Dad I'm fine, but I don't think I am. I
feel nauseous and I threw up a few minutes ago. I've never done that before and it's totally gross.
Those people have the key to my ship. The key was down in the storm cellar. My key. It's mine. I should have it, not somebody else. I want
it back.
I'm sure I can get Lex to help me get it back. I don't think Dad would like it if I did that, since I haven't told Mom and Dad that I told
Lex. I should probably do that soon. I'm sure they would figure out that I would want to tell somebody I'm so close to.
Lex stopped by to see me earlier. It was so nice to have him so close. He always makes me feel like I can face anything.
I almost killed Pete when we were moving the ship. I ran off the road. I think I passed out for a second.
Dad went to talk to Mom about why she hid the key. I don't know why she would do that. It's my key. It could tell me all about my heritage.
Something in the storm cellar made us both sick.
I want Lex.
~
11:05 pm
Lex where are you?
I'm at home alone. Dad is with Mom and he left me alone. I feel bad. I feel weird. I've never been sick before. This
totally sucks. Okay, maybe I have been sick but not for a day. I was only sick for short times and then it was over fast. But this is really
sick. As in throwing up and passing out. I think I totally terrified Lana.
She was here a minute ago. I wonder what happened to her? Come over!! please.
Lex, did I tell you today that I love you?
Do you know how much I love you? I love you way more than other people love other people.
I do. I swear I do. Where are you? My phone is gone. I think Dad took it away from me.
I miss you. I'm sick.
~
09:15 pm
Everybody is all better now
Dad was right. The ship healed Mom and me. I just got back from the hospital. I had to bring the ship home. Dad took
the key and I took the ship. Dad said he's going to put the key in a safe place and we can talk about everything when mom comes home from
the hospital tomorrow. I am going to be so glad to have her home.
She's going to have a baby. It's going to be their real baby, not some alien they found in a field.
I need to tell Lex that I'm okay. I think I said some things to him when I was delirious. He must think I'm insane. I'm pretty sure I said
something to him about my ship and the key. I feel like an idiot. I tried to post to let him know that I was sick, only my post was private.
I meant to make it public so he'd know I was sick.
It would have been so much simpler just to call, but I distinctly remember thinking that I didn't have a phone to call him on, or that my
dad would freak if he heard me call Lex. I think Lana stopped by to see me, or maybe it was Chloe. I can't remember much. I was so
delirious. I do remember having my head in Lex's lap. I remembered I kept thinking that he made a nice pillow. I might have told him that or
maybe not. I can't be sure. I begged him to stay with me and not leave no matter what. I distinctly remember there was begging, and a lot of
hugging, or maybe holding, or both.
I still can't believe my dad talked Lex into leaving. Lex was so upset. I know he wanted to do more, but he knew that there wasn't any way
we could call a doctor. Except for the fact that dad did call a doctor and now she has a sample of my blood. This is so bad. I know Lex went
out with Dr. Bryce that one time, but I wonder if he knows her well enough to know if she's somebody we can trust. I'll have to tell Lex
about this. There's no way she can keep my blood. I know it wasn't the first thing on Dad's mind. Mom almost died tonight and if it wasn't
for the ship, she'd be dead and so would her baby.
We're just lucky Dad was right, and that the ship was able to heal us. I love my parents so much.
The ship is back in the storm cellar, and now I have to call Lex.
~
11:33 am
That was not entirely painless
I called Lex over last night. I wanted to reassure him that I was fine. He wanted to know how my mom and I were healed.
I wanted to forget everything and put it all behind me, but that's never going to happen in my lifetime.
I showed Lex the ship. The cold hard reality that I am not human hits me every time I look at it. I feel weird about it now. Last night I
was terrified that if he saw hard evidence of my heritage, he'd walk away for sure. I don't know why I thought that. Now, at this point, I
think nothing could make Lex walk away from me. At first I wasn't going to show it to him, but then I realized he'd find out about it
eventually. It feels inevitable. Everything feels inevitable at this point, and I need to come to terms with that.
Maybe my dad was right. I feel like it's all spinning out of control. I need to back away from all this.
Lex asked if I want to know how the ship healed us. I don't really want to know that. All it's ever done is open up more questions. I'm glad
Dad kept the key. I don't want it. I don't want any of it. I just want to be me, Clark Kent.
But I know that's never going to happen. I had the dream again last night. I dreamt I was flying to the caves.
At least my mom is better. She's going to have a baby, and once they have their own child, I'll be the adopted one. Not that I'm not the
adopted one now, but how are they going to be able to look at their child without thinking that? I'm positive that the ship healed Mom
because of the baby. Not specifically so she could get pregnant, but it healed her. The ship has saved me, and healed us both. I think it's
programmed to protect me.
I feel alone right now. I know I shouldn't. I have my mom and dad and I have Lex. I know they are all here to stay. Lex said he can handle
all this. I hope he's not lying to me. I really do. I couldn't stand it if something happened that made him finally snap and decide it's too
much.
The way he looked at my ship made me jumpy. It was kind of creepy. I got goose bumps watching him. I really hope he can handle it enough for
the both of us, because right now I am totally freaked out.
His kisses were just as sweet after he saw the ship. I don't know what I expected. I guess I keep thinking that some day somebody is going
to reject what I really am. It's not like I've even told that many people, so I don't know why I feel that way.
I need to get back to class. I can't wait to see Mom. We're going to see an ultrasound today. This is so exciting. I wonder if it's a boy or
a girl. I'd like to have a little brother or sister -- somebody I can impart all my worldly wisdom on. I can't wait.
~
11:13 pm
It's been a rough week but
I feel so lucky. I have the best parents. I went to visit Mom in the hospital. Everything is perfect. It's as though
she was never sick, and when my parents told Dr. Bryce that it was a miracle, I felt like it really was a miracle. Everything turned out
fine because my dad knew what to do. It feels like my dad always knows what to do.
My parents are going to have a baby of their own. We saw the ultrasound. It was amazing. My mom has this life growing inside her, a life
that she and my dad made together. I'm going to be a big brother. I wonder how we'll break the big family secret to him or her.
I still haven't told Lex about the blood sample Dr. Bryce took from me. I'm not sure what to do. She must know that it's not normal. Maybe
if we don't say anything, she'll just let it go. Dad did say she said she'd keep it completely confidential, so I probably have nothing to
worry about.
I went to classes today, but I can't really remember anything the teachers said. I can't stop thinking about what's happened over the last
few days. Lex knows everything and he still likes me.
I feel so lucky. I just talked to Dad and he's right. It's best for him to put the key someplace safe where I can't find it. I feel so much
better after talking to him. He looked so happy when I told him that I can't wait to teach my baby brother or sister how to throw as far as
I can throw.
Everything feels so perfect now.
~
12:27 pm
My mom is home from the hospital
It's so nice to have her back. I was really afraid for a while, but everything is fine. She's strong and healthy. The
doctors said she made a full recovery. It's a miracle.
We started Spring Break. Pete is a little excited since he and his older brother are going to Florida. He asked me to go, but when I asked
Dad, he said he needed me close by. I don't really want to leave so soon after my mom was sick anyway.
Pete pointed out that the opportunities for scoring were very high. The look on his face when I told him I wasn't interested in scoring was
priceless. He mumbled something about how I have no idea how to have fun. I plan to have a lot of fun, as long as
Lex is up for doing
something here in town. It's not the most exciting plan, but it's what I want to do. He's who I want to be with and, since we aren't open
about our true relationship, we will have to do something in stealth mode.
Now I have a ton of work to do. We still have to get things ready for the concert tomorrow night. I hope I win something from the raffle.
~
09:59 pm
The event went well.
Everything turned out really great and the band they got was cool. Pete played DJ. I didn't win anything at the raffle,
but it was still fun. I saw Chloe and Lana slip upstairs at one point, so I guess they went off for some alone time. Shortly after I got
home, Lex showed up. He's going away for a few days on business so he wanted to talk a little. It was really nice. They sky is so clear
tonight and the moon is out. I love moonlit nights, though the stargazing isn't as great, it's still beautiful.
My dad caught us holding hands. I was staring into Lex's eyes and thinking how nice it would be to kiss him just as we heard my dad clear
his throat. Lex stood up and Dad told him that he needed to get home. It was a mix of humiliating and embarrassing. If Dad had shown up just
a few seconds later... I don't even want to think about what would have happened.
After Lex left, Dad got really nervous and told me that my loft was not the place for that kind of behavior. He made sure to stress that if
I was with a girl the rules would still be the same. It was kind of funny to watch him search for the right way to say it.
I feel really relaxed tonight. It turned out that Pete can't go with his older brother to Florida after all, so it's going to be the two of
us, unless we can convince Chloe to join us. I think Lana is going out of town. The Talon is going to have a Spring Break party this week,
and Pete has begged me to go with him. I pointed out that he knows all the girls in our town already so there wouldn't be anybody new to
scope out. I'm going to join him anyway. It should be fun.
For now I am going to check out the moon and the stars. It would be so cool if one day we could all go to the moon. I keep looking up at it
and thinking that I'd love to fly to the moon and back. I'm terrified of heights, so that might not be such a great idea after all.
~
12:28 pm
I'm not sure what to think
I've been having the same dream every night. I dream I'm flying over Smallville, and I end up at the caves. In the
dream I have the key to my ship with me. I put it in the wall and then there's a blinding light. After that I always wake up.
I went to the caves last night and the night before. I think I'm supposed to put the key in the indentation.
I spent the last few days doing all kinds of clean-up jobs. I don't know how we end up with so much junk everywhere. I just finished feeding
the cows and later I have to fix a beam that I broke. Everybody else is away. Lex and Lana both left yesterday, and Chloe isn't around. Pete
is coming over for lunch, and we're going to shoot some hoops. He wants to go to the Talon Spring Break party. He said he's going to get me
a date if it's the last thing he does. I told him he can try if he wants. No matter how many times I tell him I'm not interested, he won't
let up, so I guess he can have his fun. I should just tell him I'm gay. It couldn't be any worse than when I told him I'm an alien from
another planet. He'd probably be a little freaked then switch tracks and try to find me a guy.
I already have somebody in my life and he's more than enough for me. I miss him already and he's only been gone a few days. I'm happy that
he's so busy now with his work. He looked really content the last time we saw each other. Dad hasn't said anything else about catching Lex
and me holding hands. I'll have to reserve those intimate moments to the times I'm over at the mansion. I don't want my dad to see anything.
It's already hard enough, and he's finally starting to come around to liking Lex more.
Pete and I went to the next county yesterday to get some supplies for Dad. Pete bitched for an hour about how his brother didn't want him to
go with him to Florida because then he would have had to babysit Pete. Of course that turned into him blaming me. He said that his brother
would have let him go if I'd come along since he could hang with me and I'm so responsible.
I don't care. I'm content to stay right here in my own town. The idea of being someplace with all those people kind of freaks me out. I like
my peace and quiet. Right now I need to figure things out, like those dreams I've been having. I need to know what it all means. The caves,
the dreams, I need to know why I'm here.
~
10:26 am
I had the dream again
I wish these dreams would stop or at least reveal what they are trying to say to me. I keep having the exact same
dream. It's frustrating. I'm beginning to think that I made a mistake. I have to find out about my heritage. I really want to know why I'm
here. Why did my parents send me away? What made them throw me away like that?
I stared at the ship for hours last night. I went down to the caves and begged them to reveal their secrets to me.
I want somebody to be able to tell me who and what I am. I need to know where I'm from. It's not enough anymore.
I love my parents so much, but I know they're scared. I know they wish I'd stop looking. Mom hid the key from me because she was afraid I
would take off. When Dad told me about that, I reassured him that I would never leave them. I love my parents. I look at my mom and see this
incredible woman who's fought so hard for her family. I look at my dad and see the strongest man I know.
I don't want my parents to hurt because of me. I know it's too late for that. I know I've already caused them so much heartache and pain. I
know that having me has probably stressed their lives out more than they can say. I know this because sometimes, when they don't know I'm
listening, they talk about me, and how worried they are for me, and Mom cries in Dad's arms.
I can't make things harder for them. I just can't. I won't. I love them and they have never given me anything but unconditional love. Even
when I would break things we couldn't afford to fix, they never gave up on me.
Now that Mom is pregnant with their own child, it's even more important for me to be the son they really need: the human son.
I wish Lex was here. I really need to talk to him about this.
On top of all that, Chloe took off for the week without even saying goodbye. I went by her place to see if she wanted to do something, and
her dad said she'd gone to visit her cousin out of town. I can't believe she didn't even say anything to me. Her dad said she didn't want to
stay in town without Lana around. I guess I don't count as somebody she'd want to spend time with.
~
10:11 pm
I had a really fun day.
I started off the day doing chores. I spent almost all morning with Dad, working on the same fence. It was really
annoying.
Then Pete came at lunch to pick me up for the Talon Spring Break party. It wasn't much. The usual crowd was there. The cold drinks were on
special, so Pete and I ordered one of everything. A few hours later, Mr. K showed up, looking a little upset. Then Pete finally got up the
nerve to go over to the girl who'd been flirting with him. While Pete was gone, Mr. K told me that he'd had a run-in with Mr. Big. He also
said that he missed his boyfriend, who's been away on business in the next county. He's lonely. The only thing I could tell him is that he
should go surprise him. I wish I could do that to Lex. It would be cool. I haven't heard anything from him since he left. I guess I should
get used to that since he's older and runs his own business.
Pete left with his new friend. After Mr. K told me what Lex's dad did to him, I wasn't really sure what to say to him, so instead I
suggested he come over for dinner. Then he broke the news. He got a dog! I was so excited. I've always wanted a dog, but my parents wouldn't
go for it.
We stopped by his place to pick up his puppy, and brought him back to our place. My parents were more than happy to have Mr. K and his new
family member over. After dinner, Mr. K and I went out with his dog and played in the yard. It was so much fun. I think it made Mr. K feel
better. I wish they were still here. I should tell him that if he needs somebody to watch his dog, I'll be there.
Now it seems really quiet with them gone. I was going to read, but I think I might go for a run and do some stargazing. It's really nice out
tonight and not that cold.
12:58 pm
I had that dream again
... only this time I was in the cave. I was floating in front of the wall with the key indentation on it and I reached out and touched
the mark. Then there was a bright light and I woke up.
I woke up late. Dad let me sleep in. Then I spent the whole morning sitting in the loft. So far, I've been a slacker today, but Mom and
Dad don't seem to mind. They're both so happy right now.
Last night I stayed in and did nothing. I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do, and by the time I finally decided on something, it was
too late.
I really miss Lex. He hasn't e-mailed or called. I guess whatever business he has is taking up all his time. I wish I could talk to him
about these dreams. Maybe I should just keep it all to myself until I can figure out exactly what it all means. I don't want to tell my
parents. They look so happy, and with the new baby coming, I don't want them to have to worry about anything, especially not me.
I caught them sitting together on the sofa talking about names. I made an excuse about how I needed to get something over at Pete's place
and took off. I didn't actually go to Pete's. I ended up at the Talon. I sat in a corner and drank five coffees. The place was packed. It's
interesting to watch people. I do that sometimes. I watch to see how normal looks. Last night I watched as two of my classmates kissed in
public and held hands. They looked so lost and into each other. The waitress was not amused. She had to eventually kick them out. It
reminded me of what had happened with Chloe a few weeks back when Pete drugged me.
After I left the Talon I almost went into the Wild Coyote. A part of me just wanted to get drunk, but a few weeks ago, I had one beer and
nothing, not even a tiny buzz. I had a second one and still nothing. I don't understand it. That time I had all those beers and got really
drunk, and now I can't even get a buzz... I hate my alien body. It's so stupid. At least if I had instructions, I'd know what to do. Instead
I have to stumble through life, hoping I don't destroy everything in my path.
I miss Lex so much! We haven't had sex in what seems like forever. I've jerked off so much. I feel anxious every night. I tried to tire
myself out last night so that I wouldn't have the dreams. I feel so alone right now. Sometimes I wish I'd never been sent here.
~
8:27 pm
Why won't these dreams stop?
It's been such a bad weekend. I've spent most of the weekend alone. I've been trying to figure out this dream. I'm pretty sure it's telling
me to put the key in the wall, but I know Dad would never go for it.
Mom and Dad are so excited about the baby. I think whenever I walk in the room they tone down how excited they are. I was never a baby for
them. I came here already past that stage in my life. It's so weird. I don't know anything about my heritage except that I am an alien from
another world. If I could find answers then maybe my life would be better, or at least I'd know where I was from or why I'm here or what my
parents were thinking. I want to know these things. I want to know them now more than ever.
That dream haunts me and I desperately need answers. I don't think I can pretend any longer that I'm not what I am. I have to do something.
~
07:30 am
That was totally strange
I woke up at 4 a.m. in the middle of the road. On top of that, Lex almost hit me with his car. He was driving back from the city. I felt so
disoriented and lost. One minute I was falling asleep, then next thing I knew, I was waking up, still in my pajamas and bare feet, in the
middle of the road.
I have no idea what happened to me. This has never happened before in my life. I was dreaming, and then I was waking up, someplace totally
different and I have no idea how I got there. I must have sleepwalked. That's the only explanation I can come up with.
Lex took me back to his place. It was so nice to see him. It felt like he'd been away for years. I wanted to touch every inch of his skin.
He stripped me and we stayed in his bed until six a.m., then I had to get home. I have to get ready for school.
~
07:54 pm
I did it
This morning Mom and Dad practically told me that I shouldn't put the key in the cave wall. I was angry and frustrated. I wanted to run off
right then and do it, but Dad had hidden the key. That didn't stop it from calling to me. The high-pitched noise I heard led me to it.
I put the key in the wall. I couldn't wait any longer. The key called to me, and I had to put it in the wall to find out what would happen.
Something did happen, but I'm not sure what. I held the key up and it flew to the slot in the wall. The symbols on it glowed and then a slot
opened up and a rainbow beam shot through me. The next thing I knew, Lex was shaking me awake. I'd passed out again. He was with Dr. Walden.
I had to get out of the cave fast.
I know Lex is worried about me, but until I know exactly what happened to me, I can't tell anybody. I won't even tell my parents. They have
enough to worry about without this. I can handle it on my own. It's not about any of them anymore. It's about me. It's about what and who I
am and why I'm here. They have nothing to do with it. I am going to do this. I need to know these things.
I can't deny it any longer. I am an alien and I need to find out who and what I am before it drives me crazy. I need to know where I'm from
and why I'm here.
I lost the key. When I woke up, it wasn't in the wall anymore. I have to find it. I can't let anybody else touch it. I won't let anybody
else touch it. While the beam was passing through me, it hurt me and I'm invulnerable. If somebody else were to use it, if Lex
were to use it... He's so determined to find out what the writing on the cave walls say. I don't want Lex to get hurt because of this. I
don't want to lose him.
Suddenly I feel like I'm finally going to find some answers. I feel like I'm on the edge of some knowledge. I don't know exactly what that
beam did to me, but I know what that tablet Dad took from the ship is. It's the ship's heart. I can read what they symbols mean, but they're
all jumbled in my mind.
~
08:03 pm
I have the key back
Dr. Walden put the key in the wall and now he's comatose. Lex is asking all kinds of questions, and I can't tell him anything yet. I'm
not ready. I did tell him that I think the cave symbols might be from my people.
Hope. That's what the symbol I burned into the side of the barn said. Hope for what? What does it mean? I need to find out. At least the
dreams are over. Mom and dad are so upset that I put the key in the wall. Now a human tried to use it, and I was right. It wasn't meant for
them. This was all meant for me. All those symbols on the cave walls were put there so long ago. It's like my life has been planned years in
advance. I hate it. I don't like that these things are controlling what I do.
Dr. Swann claims to be a friend. He says he has something for me. He sent me an invitation to go meet him. What does he know?
I almost didn't send the e-mail to Swann. I was afraid that if I kept looking, everything would change and I would lose everything and
everybody I love.
A part of me feels like if I don't take this path, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. All these months that I've known I'm not human.
All these months that I've known I fell from the sky, I need to know where I'm from. If Swann has the answers, then I have to accept that
invitation.
I am so glad Lex was with me when I got that invitation. I told him I need to think about what I'm going to do. I don't know what to do.
Should I take the invitation? This guy is a stranger and he has something for me. How could he have something for me? I'm afraid. I don't
want to do this and I do. I can't do it alone, but I know I have to. I wish I could confide in Lex more, but right now I can't even talk to
Mom and Dad about it.
I need time. It's all happening so fast. I need to think this through. I need for it to be over. I need to know what and who I am.
Maybe it's better if I don't know what Swann has for me. It's better for everybody. I shouldn't go. I won't go. I'll stay here in Smallville
and e-mail Swann in the morning to let him know that he's got the wrong guy. He doesn't know the truth, and as long as I stay away from him,
then things can just stay as they are. I like my life.
I have friends and I have Lex. I have the most wonderful parents, and they've sacrificed so much for me. Now we're about to add one more
Kent to the family and my family needs me. They need Clark, not the alien.
I can do this. I can live without ever knowing more. It's not like I can't change my mind one day. I still have that option.
I'm not going to see Swann. I know my parents are going to be so happy to hear that I've decided to end my pursuit. I feel relieved. I feel
like this is the best choice for everybody.
~
05:04 pm
I'm going.
I can't do this. I need to know what the message is. If I don't go, I might regret it for the rest of my life. I have to go see Dr.
Swann. I just talked to Mom and Dad, and they're not happy about it, but I have to go. I have to see what he has for me. Maybe he has the
answers I've been searching for. Maybe he can tell me why I was sent here, or what was so bad that I had to be sent away from my real
family.
I told my parents that I need to do this alone. They aren't ready to let go of me, but I think it's time they understand that what I am is
not going to change. It's time for me to understand that I have to move forward and find out where I'm from and why I was sent here.
I just hope this isn't a huge mistake and that Swann really does have answers.
Dr. Virgil Swann. Chloe said he's devoted his life to finding life on other worlds. Well, he found it, only it's not on another world: it's
right here in his backyard. I'm going to New York tonight, and maybe I'll return with knowledge that will help me understand where my life
is headed. Maybe I'll find nothing. I realized this morning that I need to know now. I need to find out what he has for me.
I was going to e-mail Swann, but I think I'll just show up. If this all turns out to be some kind of joke or elaborate plan to catch me,
then I can just tell him he made a mistake. Dad thinks that Swann can't be trusted. Dad doesn't think anybody can be trusted. I wonder what
he'd say if I told him Lex already knows some of the truth, and that Lex has not once demanded more from me or tried to harm me in any way.
In fact, Lex has been so patient with me all week. I am sure he must suspect that something is up, but instead of pushing, he only asks
valid questions.
I miss Lex so much. We didn't do anything beyond touching and kissing the other night when he found me on the street. I want to touch him
right now and reassure him that I'm not going anywhere and that he'll never lose me. I told Mom and Dad that no mater what I find in New
York, they are still my parents and I love them more than anything. Nothing will ever change that.
I better go before I change my mind again. Lana was right. I shouldn't stop looking. I need to know and I can't help it. I don't want to
upset my mom and dad, but I have to do this. I need to do this for everybody's sake. Once this is over, we can all move forward. I can move
forward.
~
10:19 am
I'm here with Lex
I've been on a search for my biological roots for a while now. There's somebody who might know something about my biological parents. I'm in
a hotel with Lex, and after we check out, we're going to see this man. I'm going to see him.
Lex is going to wait in the car while I go in
and find out what information the doctor has for me.
I was so glad that Lex agreed to come with me. We took his private jet to the city and stayed overnight in a nice hotel. I can feel all his
questions but I asked him to hold off. I told him I'm not ready to talk about it all just yet, and even though he looked like he wanted to
shake it out of me, he held off. Last night was so nice. He booked separate rooms for us, but I didn't want to be alone so I stayed in his
room with him.
We didn't do much talking. Lex has been so patient. I'm lucky to have him.
After we have breakfast, I'm going to meet the doctor, and maybe I'll find out who I am and where I'm from. I'm so nervous. I can't wait to
get it over with. My parents don't know I'm here with Lex. I told them last night that I had to do this alone, but when I left the house to
go, I realized I needed somebody with me, and Lex was the logical choice.
No matter what I find, I plan to stay where I am. I love my family and I love my friends. I love
Lex. Nothing I discover today will change
that.
~
01:44 pm
I am Kal-El of Krypton
Dr. Swann had messages for me -- messages that were from my biological parents. He picked up transmissions from my home world.
This is Kal-El of Krypton our infant son, our last hope. Please protect him and deliver him from evil.
We will be with you, Kal-El for all the days of your life.
My planet is gone. I'm the last of my people. I'm alone in the universe. I didn't find the answers I was looking for. Dr. Swann said I have
to look inside myself for those answers.
I'm alone. My home world is gone.
After I talked to Dr. Swann, Lex and I took a limo to the airport and now we're flying back to Smallville. He didn't push and he didn't ask
many questions. I reassured him that Dr. Swann is not going to tell anybody my secrets. I told him that I didn't want to talk about what I
found just yet. I need time to think about this.
They sent me here, and they sent a message, along with a code to decrypt it. Now there are two of us on the planet who can read my native
language.
It's funny. I really thought that I would come away from this knowing everything, but instead I have even more questions. I may never get
the answers to these questions. I may have to live my whole life without ever knowing why my biological parents sent me to earth. Why did
they send me away? My home world is gone. What destroyed it? Did I do something to it? Was I sent away because I was too dangerous? Why me?
So many questions and I will probably never know the answers to most of them.
At least one thing I do know. It wasn't an accident that I was sent to earth. I was sent here specifically. I just wish that the meteor
rocks hadn't come with me.
There are so many things that I wish, and now I know that I should just stop wishing. There's no point.
I'm all alone. My real name is Kal. I kind of like it.
~
10:22 am
The plane ride home went by so fast.
I wanted it to last longer. I wanted Lex.
Yesterday, after I talked to Dr. Swann, and Lex and I got on the plane, I felt like I needed time to think through everything that I'd
learned. It was a little awkward at first, and then I kissed him. I suddenly realized that Lex was there just because I asked. He didn't ask
many questions before, and after I returned from seeing Dr. Swann, he just sat waiting.
He's been so patient. I still haven't told him that I can read the language -- my home world language that was painted on cave walls years
before I arrived. He must be going insane.
I have to admit, I got a thrill out of hearing him say my name. I told him to call me Kal while we were having sex on the floor of the
plane. I tore our clothes off, and he let me have my way with him. I'm so glad because I needed that right then. I needed him to be him, and
I needed to show him that I want him just as much now as I did before. It had been awhile for us, and it felt incredible. I wanted to do it
over and over again.
After we both came, he kissed me, and the way he said my name made me want him all over again, but we had to clean up because we were going
to land soon. I wish we'd had more time. Maybe I'll go over today and we can do it again.
Lex drove me home. My parents were waiting, but I told them that I couldn't talk about it at the time. I did tell them this morning over
breakfast. They listened quietly. I could see that my mom was a little freaked out. Dad took it in stride. Then I took the heart of the ship
and the key down to the storm cellar.
I finally knew what to do with them. Dad stayed with me as I put them in the ship. There was another message there.
On this third planet from this star, Sol, you will be a god among men. They are a flawed race. Rule them with strength my son. That is
where your greatness lies.
I was sent to earth specifically. My people sent me here on purpose. It sounds like they expect me to take over the world. There's no way I
would ever do that. There's no way I ever could do that. Dad insists that no matter what I have a choice in what path I take. What if I
don't? What if it's in my genetic makeup to take over the world? What if I couldn't stop myself?
I just can't believe my people were like that. I can't believe that they wanted this. I asked dad not to tell mom about this message. I
don't want her to worry any more than she already has. We agreed to keep it between us. Dad's right, nobody needs to know. Besides, I do
choose my own path and I won't let anybody or anything control me.
This has been such a confusing week. On the one hand, I am so glad I finally found out about my origins. I finally know that I'm Kryptonian
and that my birth name is Kal-El. It's such a relief. I'd always hoped that my home world would still be out there. All those times over the
past year that I looked up at the stars wondering which one was mine, and it turned out that mine hasn't been there since I landed on earth.
I feel weird today. This morning when I woke up it was like I was still Clark but now I'm not just Clark, I'm Kal-El. I'm Kryptonian.
I guess that makes the meteor rocks Kryptonite. So many things have changed and yet nothing has changed. I know more and yet I still have so
much to learn.
Dad's right. I know that I am the last of my kind, but I am not alone. I have my friends and family. I have Lex and they all love me. I told
myself this last night but I still couldn't help feeling so alone.
I am Kal-El -- the last son of Krypton.
~
03:56 pm
I just got back from a camping trip
Pete and I went on a camping trip this weekend. I ended up having to run back home because Pete forgot the hot dogs. Mom and dad weren't
around. They must have gone out or something. Dad's been really doting on her lately because of her condition. I think if he asks her one
more time how she feels, she's going to do something drastic.
While we were out hiking, we ran into two other campers. One of them had slipped down a steep incline, and when I tried to rescue her, we
both fell over the edge. Luckily she fell on top of me and wasn't injured at all. Not much of a rescue. She was still grateful, so it was
worth it.
They thanked us by inviting us to their camp cookout. I almost laughed at Pete's exuberance. It was such a nice night last night, and the
food was actually pretty good. Pete volunteered us to do the cooking. After we ate we sat around the fire and talked. It turned out they
were first year college students.
Everything was fine until we heard rustling in the bush. It turned out to be a bear that had wandered close to the camp. That was kind of
scary. Then Pete said that we should probably stay with them since it was so late and dark out, and the bear might return. He tried
everything to make sure we stayed there longer. I gave in and we spent the night with our new friends.
Overall it was a really nice weekend, and I had a great time. We made some new friends, and Pete promised them we'd visit. I think he liked
Brenda a lot. He got her number. The other girl, Trisha, asked me if I wanted her number so I took it. I didn't want to be rude and she was
really nice and very grateful that I rescued her. I eventually had to tell her to stop thanking me. I was more than happy to help her. That
was a pretty steep incline and a little scary. I think we must have fallen at least twenty feet. It smarted a little. Luckily I have a hard
head and a hard body, and the ground was soft.
This morning, Pete and I went back to our campsite to find all our stuff scattered everywhere. I guess the bear must have gotten into
things. The food was all ruined.
I got home around three. Mom looked pretty happy, so I guess she and dad did something special last night. I told them to relax and I did
all the chores.
Now I'm going to go see Lex. I missed him and I want to spend some time with him.
~
05:25 pm
I had the best time ever last night
I went over to the mansion last night. Lex and I had a nice dinner, and then we played a few games of pool. He won them all. I just stood
back and enjoyed the view. Then after that we played a game of chess. I lost the game, but I mostly enjoyed staring into his eyes. They get
so intense when he's trying to defeat an opponent. It was so funny when he realized I wasn't trying to win. I just wanted to be close to
him.
We went into his bedroom to have sex. There was nobody else in the mansion except the security people, and we were completely alone. I
wonder what they think of how often I visit.
The sex was awesome. Lex got all jealous because of my weekend excursion and my new friend. He seems to think that every girl that comes
into contact with me is going to want me. I don't agree. Trisha was really nice, but I got the impression that she was not interested in me
at all in that way. Pete told me that he plans to call Brenda in a few days because he doesn't want to seem desperate. I'm really glad I
don't have to play any games when it comes to dating. I wished him luck, and when he asked if I was going to call Trisha, I told him that I
might call her to see if she wants to go see a movie or something.
Lex is amazing when he's possessive. The way he practically tore off my shirt and touched the necklace was so sexy. I felt owned and loved
at the same time. We got naked on his bed and when he reached for the lube and condom, my heart leaped in my chest. I thought he was going
to take his jealousy one step further and fuck me, but that didn't happen. He must have seen the look of disappointment on my face. There
was no way I could hide it.
It's my fault. I never should have backed off that last time he tried. I wish I'd been braver, and then maybe last night he would have taken
me. Instead he put the condom on me and impaled himself on my cock. I thought I was going to explode. It was so fucking hot. He was so hot.
It was amazing sex and his jealousy heightened things. His kisses and touch were so possessive, and I loved the way he looked at me. He
sounded so sexy when he said my name. I liked him all jealous. It was kind of fun.
I do like being the top. It has a lot of advantages. He's so fucking sexy under me or on top of me, with my cock in him. I guess even if I
am the one who always penetrates him, I'll still be content. But I want him to take me so badly. Last night after I got home, I came down
from the high I'd been feeling all evening. It hit me then that maybe he'd never make that move on me ever again. I'm too afraid to bring it
up, so I guess if it never happens, then I may have to live with being the top in our relationship.
I still can't help wanting him to take me. I really wish he would. Maybe if I make him really jealous, he would take that one last step.
~
03:15 pm
This is not good
Dad and I had an argument this morning. He told me that a friend of his said he saw me at the airport with
Lex. This friend works at the
small airstrip near town where Lex keeps his family plane. The guy asked dad what I was doing with Mr. L at the airport, and he also told my
dad that the plane had just landed. He saw us get off Lex's private jet. He told dad everything he knew once dad asked for more details.
I couldn't lie. I had to tell dad that I'd gone to the city with Lex. It was that trip I'd taken to find out about my birth parents. Dad was
furious. Mom didn't say much. She looked really sad. I'd told them that I had to do it on my own. Now they find out that I didn't do it on
my own -- they find out that I went with Lex. It's a huge mess.
Then today right before classes started, the son of the guy who saw me at the airport made a crack about how I spend so much time with
Lex.
It wasn't when anybody else was around, and he didn't directly accuse me of anything other than the fact that I was probably after
Lex for
his money. It was really annoying. I played totally dumb, so he called me a loser and told me that if I was any stupider, I'd probably be
retarded.
I guess he was trying to say that he thought I was gay. Hopefully he won't say anything to anybody else, because if he does, I have no idea
what to do about it. I woke up so happy this morning and now this.
On top of that, this guy who confronted me about my close friendship with Lex also teased Cyrus in class today. They made fun of him and
called him all kinds of names. There was no way I was going to let them get away with that. Of course since I defended Cyrus they called me
names, too. Why do people have to be such bullies?
Sometimes I totally hate living in a small town. Sometimes I wish I could just escape.
~
11:12 pm
I can't believe this
Cyrus is from Krypton. He has to be. There's no other explanation. He told me he landed here during the meteor shower. He said he had a
ship. He set the lab on fire, and it looked like he did it with his eyes, though I can't be sure because I wasn't facing him.
I just now got home to help dad. Tyson, Whitney's horse, had collapsed, but Cyrus showed up and healed him with a touch. Lana was right
there and she watched as Cyrus did this. We're not sure what Cyrus did to Tyson, but the horse couldn't get up. Suddenly after Cyrus touched
him, Tyson got up and walked like there was nothing wrong with him.
Lex told me to be careful. I didn't tell him much since I don't feel right about telling Cyrus' secret to other people. Cyrus was already
mad because he thought I'd told Chloe. He'd come over to talk to me about Chloe when he saw that Tyson needed help.
His hands glowed and Tyson was healed.
Maybe I'm not alone after all.
~
09:09 pm
So he doesn't set things on fire with his eyes
Chloe totally knows how to kill my good mood. She discovered that Cyrus used pyrotechnics to set the blackboard on fire. That doesn't mean
he's not from Krypton. He insists he's an alien and I believe him. He healed Tyson, and Lana and I both saw it happen. That isn't a normal
skill. So he's not like me. We don't know for sure that all people from Krypton are like me.
I went to see Cyrus and he showed me his transmission tower. I had to help him, so we went to school to steal the device the teacher
confiscated from him. Kyle, the jerk, and his friends attacked us. I used my heat vision to burn their truck. Cyrus saw. He knows I'm not
normal. He thinks I'm an alien like him. I didn't deny it.
It was a risk, but I was willing to take it. If he's really from my home world and he can actually contact his true parents, I want to help
him get back to where he's from.
Lex said I should be careful. I know Cyrus would never hurt me or tell anybody about me, so I'm not worried. This is so amazing. Of course
mom and dad are completely against any of this. They both think Cyrus is not from my home world. I want him to be from there. If he is, then
I know I wasn't the only one they sent away.
I really don't like Kyle. I hate that he attacked us, and I hate that he called me retarded, and I hate that he implied that I'm gay just
because I hang out with Lex. I'm glad I destroyed his stupid truck. It's not like he's going to tell anybody about how his truck got burned.
~
09:38 pm
To give your life for somebody you don't like
Cyrus passed out and was rushed to the hospital. He healed Kyle, and I think the exertion was too much for his abilities. He's just another
Kryptonite mutant. He's not from my home world. He's not somebody like me. His family was destroyed by my arrival. His whole life was
destroyed by my arrival. So many people's lives were destroyed because of me.
In my desperation to find somebody else like me, I never realized how alone I really felt until Chloe and Pete told me that Cyrus was just
another casualty of the event that brought me here.
They all suffered because of me. Even now mom is suffering because of what the ship did to her. She hasn't said anything to me at all, but
she doesn't look as happy as I thought she would to be pregnant. I watched her closely this morning at breakfast and she looked down.
Lex suffers. Sometimes when we talk he looks so unhappy. I can't tell him everything even though I've already told him so much. I'm giving
as much of myself as I can. I can sense that it's not enough. I'm not really sure what more he wants from me.
~
05:51 pm
It finally happened
Dad and I had the talk that I had been dreading, but it's over now and he promised me that he would try harder to accept my choice. I love
Lex, and Dad got an eyeful of just how much I care about him. Dad and I were talking in the kitchen when
Lex showed up. Dad practically
ordered me out so he could be alone with Lex. I wasn't about to leave them alone, so I stayed close by just in case something happened.
Basically Dad gave Lex the 'hurt my son and I'll kill you' speech. That was so embarrassing. Dad knows I can take care of myself, but he's
always been so overprotective. It's annoying, and once upon a time, I didn't mind it so much, because I got that he's my father and that's
what fathers do, but now it just makes me feel like a child.
Lex is right about what he told Dad. I would protect Lex with everything I have from anybody, and that includes my own father.
Lex was not pleased to say the least. It's partly my fault, since I didn't warn
Lex about the fact that Dad had found out about us going to
NY together when I went in search of information about my birth family. Dad was so angry that I had gone with
Lex and not with him and mom.
I tried to get him to understand that it wasn't about them at all. It was about me and how I felt and what I needed right then.
I was surprised that Dad actually admitted to Lex that I'd told Mom and him that I wanted to be alone for the trip. When
Lex told dad how
honored he was that I'd asked him to go along, I think I fell in love all over again. He really understands me.
I didn't know what to say to Lex after my dad walked out on him. They didn't really resolve anything between them. I was at a loss for
words, so I held Lex in my arms and kissed him. Of course, Dad walked in right then. He was looking for me since I was supposed to be out in
the barn, and obviously I wasn't there.
Lex told dad that he's not going anywhere and that I'm important to him. I know this already, but it was so amazing to hear him say it to my
dad and without any hesitation in his voice. Dad told Lex to go home and Lex agreed but before he left, I grabbed him and kissed him. It was
crazy and Dad was watching, but I didn't care. My heart was pounding in my chest when I did it, but it felt so good and so right. I didn't
want to hide it any longer. I didn't see why I had to hide it. I even told Lex that I love him, though I didn't say it out loud, and my back
was to Dad. I should have said it out loud, but I was kind of scared. Lex made me feel braver when he said "ditto" loud enough for Dad to
hear.
Dad was furious. After Lex left, Dad and I had it out. I don't think I've ever shouted that loud at my dad before. I was so upset and hurt
by what he'd said to Lex. I told him that he just has to accept it, because otherwise it would tear us apart. I told him that I am totally
in love with Lex, and nothing he can do or say is going to change that. Dad finally calmed down and for the first time, I think he actually
understood.
I am not normal and I never will be, and my dad just has to accept that. I told him that maybe their new child will be normal. I guess I
shouldn't have said it that way, but I was so upset in the heat of the moment. That got through to him. He promised to try harder to accept
my choice. He said that he loved me no matter what.
I really love my parents so much. They have always been there for me. The pain and hurt I've felt over this whole situation was something
I'd been hiding all these months, but tonight it hit me so hard, I wanted to run and never look back. I won't run. I love Mom and Dad so
much.
Dad said he was sorry and he promised that he would eventually talk to Lex about this and try to be more reasonable about everything. I just
want the two most important men in my life to get along. Is that too much to ask for?
~
10:56 am
If only
Never live in the land of 'if only,' because you are doomed if you do.
Cyrus had a mental breakdown, and the doctors think that he will not recover from it. So last night, I did some soul searching.
If only I had never fallen to earth in Smallville. If only my ship hadn't come here, dragging chunks of my home world with it. If only
Kryptonite didn't hurt people. If only Lana could have said that the idea of an alien doesn't freak her out. If only I could share my secret
with more people. If only people weren't so quick to judge. If only Lex and I could walk hand in hand in public.
So much 'if only' and I can't do anything about any of them. I can't change that I came here, I can't change that chunks of my home world
followed me. I can't change that Kryptonite hurts humans. I can't change that Lana lost her family. I can't change the fear in people's
hearts. I can't change that I am gay and in love with Lex Luthor.
I can only accept that this is the way the world is and try to understand why things happen the way they happen.
Lana stopped by last night and we talked. I asked her how she felt about the idea that Cyrus might have been what he said he was - an alien.
She was honest. I don't fault her for that honesty. She said it kind of freaked her out. I don't blame her. When I found out, I was freaked
out.
All my power and I feel so helpless. I wish there were some way I could change things. I need to get out.
~
09:42 pm
This is too hard for me to admit, even to myself
I don't know why I let Trisha kiss me. I should have pushed her away. I've thought about what I did and why I did it ever since I got home
from the mansion. I left Lex and as soon as the high from the sex wore off, I felt horrible. I never meant to do this. I never meant for the
day to go this way. I never planned it. I sort of thought that if I could get Lex jealous enough, then maybe he'd take me. I don't think
that anymore. It's a dirty trick that I'm sure destroyed something between us. I'm not sure what. I was too afraid to ask Lex. I was too
afraid to say anything. When I finally admitted to him about the jealousy ploy, he told me that it wasn't the way to get what I wanted.
After Lana told me that Lex had walked into the Talon and saw the kiss between Trisha and me then turned around and walked out, I rushed
right over to the mansion. I didn't think at the time that it was that big a deal. Some guys sitting at the table beside us made a crack
about my 'boyfriend' being jealous that I was hanging out with a girl, so Trisha kissed me and thanked me for the great weekend we'd had
together. It was just for show. She was only trying to help; only it was definitely the wrong kind of help.
It sounds like such an adolescent thing to do. I guess that's because I'm a teenager. Lex is right about that for sure. The way he called me
a teenager and the look in his eyes... I was so afraid he was going to tell me that this was the end of us. I wouldn't blame him.
One thing I know for sure - I never should have kissed Trisha back.
In the end all I did was hurt somebody I love. I wish he hadn't seen, and then I could have just brushed it off and not said anything to
him. Instead I went over to see him and he was drinking and he was angry. He had a right to be angry. I apologized a dozen times and tried
to explain, but there really was no explanation except that I fell into the peer pressure trap.
No, I can't let myself think that way. I did it. I shouldn't have, and it's my fault entirely. The truth is I wanted him to want me so badly
that he would take me. I felt so ashamed when I admitted that to him.
We ended up having sex, and it was hard and it was brutal. He ordered me to fuck him hard. I didn't want to hurt him, but I wanted to make
it up to him. As I entered him, I realized that nothing I do will ever make it up to him. I betrayed us and I cheated on him for no good
reason.
When I came, I bit him on the neck, almost hard enough to break skin. He came just as I bit down and I hated myself for that. I hated myself
because I loved it. I wanted him to hurt because of me, and I wanted him to be completely mine. In that moment I knew that he was mine no
matter what. I knew that no matter what I did, he would always be mine.
I should probably find this revelation exciting, but the truth is I feel like I can never love Lex as much as he needs to be loved. I want
to. God, I want to so badly. My heart aches when I think about losing him. My body feels lost when he's not around.
I would feel lost without him.
Trisha stopped by the loft tonight. My very helpful friend, Pete, gave her my address. We talked and I told her that she's a nice girl, but
that I'm in love with somebody else. She was really nice about it. She didn't even ask if what those guys had said was true, for which I was
so grateful. She apologized for what she did, and we said goodbye. I don't think I'll be hearing from her again.
I don't think that I could hate myself more than I do right at this moment. I think I'm going to stay home for the rest of the weekend. I
need to recharge and I need to think about why I did this. Lex said that I should just talk to him about what I want. I don't know why I was
so afraid to talk to him, but I really need to learn to trust him more. After all, he has put so much trust in me, sometimes I think that he
will vanish in me.
~
12:31 pm
Lex just called
We're going to meet at the Talon after dinner tonight for coffee and talk about things. He went to the city this morning for a meeting,
but he's going to be back tonight so we can talk. I can't wait. It was so nice to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. Luckily, he
called when I was at the Talon, having lunch.
I went into a corner so we could talk more privately, and I could say what I wanted to say. I told him that I was really sorry for what
happened and that I'd spent the weekend thinking about why I did what I did. I was a little surprised to hear him say he felt that maybe
he'd overreacted to the situation. It didn't matter. I still wanted him to know that I missed him and that I really was sorry about the
kiss.
I can't wait to see him tonight. I have so many things I want to say to him. I have all these thoughts that have been running around inside
my head all weekend that I want to share with him. I feel much surer of us. I feel like I can do this. I feel like
Lex and I are headed in
the right direction. Maybe I just needed a kick in the pants.
~
10:21 pm
No good deed goes unpunished
I am in so much trouble. I tried to help Lana tonight, and I'm the one the police arrested. There's a new sheriff in town. I went to the
Talon to meet Lex for our coffee date. I waited around for an hour. He never showed, and I couldn't get him on the phone to find out where
he was. He must have been held up on business in the city.
While I was there, I noticed some guys were getting a little rowdy. I didn't really think anything of it, but just as I left I heard a
crash. I called the police right away, and when I rushed back, I found Lana on the floor and they were threatening her! I was so angry. I
told them to get out and when they did, I followed them. I didn't trust them to just to leave peacefully.
I made sure Lana was okay, then I went after them to make sure they knew that they weren't welcome in the coffee shop again. They said all
these things about how my friend just needed the right... I just can't repeat it even here. She likes girls and, well, you can guess what
they thought she needed to change her mind about what gender she liked.
I was so angry. I admit I threw them around, but they attacked me first. If you had heard what they'd said, you would have too. One of them
ended up on the hood of the sheriff's car. She was not impressed. She arrested me and then interrogated me inside. She called paramedics to
take the guys away. They told her that I attacked them, which I did but I did it to defend my friend. I would never attack anybody unless
they were trying to hurt somebody.
The sheriff drove me home and talked to my parents. She was going to charge me with battery misdemeanor which carried a heavy fine. My
parents can't afford it so instead I am doing community service.
I can't believe this. The new sheriff is really mean. She wouldn't even listen to my explanation or anything.
So I guess I'm now a criminal. Go me!
I don't even want to think about the guy that sat for the whole hour I was there, staring at me. I was going to go over and ask him if he
wanted something but he just vanished. This has been such an annoying night.
I hope Lex has a good excuse for not showing.
~
10:56 am
Dear Lex
It's all your fault. Because of what you said last night, I had to go and jerk off to thoughts of you. I imagined that you stopped by to
visit me in my loft and then without a word, you fell down on your knees and pulled out my cock. Then you sucked me off right there by the
light of the moon.
So I am asking that you do this as payment for your naughty comments. Since it is all your fault and you do have to make it up to me.
Thank you
~
07:00 pm
What the heck
I am so angry. That guy who showed not one single sign of an injury last night suddenly claims I hurt him badly. He's claiming he'll
never be able to work. He's suing me for a million dollars!
On top of that, when I went by the mansion at lunch, Lex wasn't alone. There was some guy there. I didn't remember this when I was there,
but I think it was the guy who watched me yesterday. It totally ruined my lunch.
This is just not my week. I am going out.
~
12:36 pm
Maybe I am a little freaked out by this
I just got back from my first day of community service. Of course, it was totally humiliating. I think almost everybody from my school
stopped by to mock me. The vest thing they made me wear was really ugly. At least Lex didn't laugh. He brought me a coffee. That cheered me
up a lot. After Lex left with some vague comment about how I don't need to worry about Lana, I saw Andy and I tried to reason with him, but
he wouldn't even listen to me. I x-rayed through his car windows and saw him take off his neck brace and high-five his friends. He's totally
lying and I am going to prove it. I am determined to prove it.
Last night really cheered me up. I went for a run and ended up at the Talon. After the Talon closed, I called Lex up and asked him to come
meet me. While I waited for Lex to show up, that guy, Paul, drove up. He asked if I needed a ride, and when I said no thank you and crossed
the street to get away from him, he followed me and started to say all this weird stuff about how he's been in town for a while and that
he's been watching me. He wouldn't tell me how long.
Then he started to warn me about Lex and how if I wasn't careful, Lex would use me then throw me away. I point blank told him that Lex is my
friend, and no matter what he'd done in the past, there was no way I would ever judge him. Paul got a little upset, and just as I
was about to distract Paul and run in the opposite direction as fast as I could, Lex showed up. I was so relieved to see him. I got into his
car and Lex said a few things to Paul. He was really upset and he warned Paul not to go anywhere near me or else.
Then I found out that Paul was hospitalized with cuts and bruises. He claimed that Lex hired somebody to beat him up and warned him to stay
away from me. He told the sheriff about the conversation they had while in front of me, and of course I couldn't lie. I know Lex would never
hurt anybody, but he was so mad and he said some things. Lex has said many times in the past that he would do anything to protect me.
It doesn't matter what Paul said. I know Lex and I know he'd never hire some thug to beat him up. That is not something my Lex would do.
On the drive home last night, we took the long way and talked a lot. I really love Lex so much. It's like my heart beats so much better when
he's with me. That sounds so sappy, but it's true. Even though I can totally defend myself against this Paul guy, I still felt safer once
Lex was there. I was almost afraid to ask about him, but I did and Lex didn't hide anything. He told me that Paul was a little bit
obsessive.
We kissed a little and that was so sexy. He is such a good kisser. I was so excited by the things he did with his mouth. Sometimes I only
have to look at his lips and watch him talk and I get hard.
So now I have to duck Lana and Chloe. Yesterday I asked Chloe how Lana was after her attack, and to my surprise, Lana hadn't told Chloe
anything about it. Chloe didn't seem very thrilled with this. She totally grilled me and I had to spill. Sometimes I am afraid of Chloe. She
can be so aggressive. I didn't want to tell her the nasty things they'd called her girlfriend, so I spared her those details.
Now I have a project due. Hopefully tonight Lex and I are going to be able to finish what we didn't even start the other day. I'll probably
stop by the mansion tonight and surprise him.
~
11:19 pm
I never knew anybody could have so much hate in them
Tonight, after I talked to Chloe about exposing Andy for the fraud that he is, I went over to the mansion to surprise Lex. I hadn't been in
the Troy room in a while so I thought I would wait for him there. He was in a late meeting.
I shiver now to think about what happened. I've never felt so helpless. I have always been able to defend myself, but last night scared me.
Somehow Paul found out about my weakness to Kryptonite. He said he'd been watching me for weeks and that he'd discovered something
strange about me. Then before I could get away from him he pulled out a meteor rock. He called me a freak and told me that I didn't deserve
Lex. I tried to reason with him, but nothing worked.
The only reason Lex even came was because when he called me, I was on the floor cringing in pain. I had just fallen and I was crawling away
from Paul when the phone rang. I managed to get it out of my pocket and say 'Troy' before Paul kicked the phone away from me and destroyed
it.
Paul just kept coming at me and then he put the rock in my jacket pocket. I had flashbacks to that day in the woods last year when Nixon
wanted to take me away from everybody.
Paul wanted to take me away from everybody, only he wanted it to be permanent. The rage in him... it terrified me. I have never been so
afraid in my life. He pulled out a knife and held it against my cheek and told me that he was going to make me so ugly that Lex would never
look twice at me ever again. I tried to tell him that Lex didn't look at me that way, but I could barely talk let alone fight him off.
He sliced into my cheek. He did it so slowly, and then he screamed that when Lex found my body, it would hurt beyond any pain Lex had ever
inflicted on him. Then he stabbed me in the back as I tried to crawl away from him. I can't even remember how many times he stabbed me. It
felt like a million. The physical wounds are all healed and I'm fine, but I swear, I can still feel the knife jabbing into me. I don't think
I will ever forget that feeling as long as I live. I have never felt so much pain. Paul left me there on the floor to die.
Lex was so furious. I was fine once he took the meteor rock away. I must have passed out because when I came to, Lex was holding me and
begging me to wake up. It took a few minutes for me to heal. God, it felt like I was on that floor in Lex's arms for hours waiting for the
wounds to close. Lex held me in his arms. There was so much blood. He was covered in it.
I have never been so happy to see Lex, to see his face in front of me instead of Paul's.
He took me upstairs and I begged him not to leave me alone. I was so afraid Paul would return. I didn't want Lex to leave me. He
put me in the shower to clean me up. I was a total basket case. That's never happened before. I could barely do anything for myself.
I fell asleep but not for long. When I woke up Lex was sitting on the bed with his back to me. He must have changed because all the blood
was gone. He was trying to call somebody. It turned out that he'd hired a detective to follow Paul around. Lex left his laptop on and I read
his post. I couldn't let him do something he would regret.
I followed him out to the hotel Paul was staying at. I confronted Lex and told him that I was fine and that he should let the cops take care
of Paul, but Lex pointed out that there was no sign at all that Paul had hurt me. I wasn't going to leave Lex alone so I went with him to
the train station.
Then we split up to find Paul. I shouldn't have done that, but I thought that if I found Paul first, I could stop anything bad from
happening. Eventually I heard some noises and when I x-rayed through a train car, I saw Paul hovering over Lex. Paul had an axe in his hand.
He was about to bring it down on Lex's head, so I shook the train car so he would drop it. I didn't have time to do anything else and if Lex
had died... When I rushed in and saw Lex with the gun on Paul, I felt terror again. Lex looked like he really wanted to pull the trigger,
but he didn't. He stopped and I have never been so relieved in my life.
The police showed up immediately after I did. They took Paul away and Lex told them that Paul had continued to harass me, and then had tried
to kill Lex. I just nodded and told the police the same thing. It was true, sort of. Paul was going to kill Lex. All I kept thinking was if
he had hurt Lex, I would have kill him.
I wish I'd told Lex that I wanted to stay with him. I know Paul is in jail, but every time I hear a sound, I check to make sure it's not
some creepy stalker. I have never felt so tired before. It seems that no matter how strong I am, even I need a savior sometimes. I want to
call Lex right now just to make sure he's okay.
~
11:03 am
I woke up in a sweat this morning.
I vaguely remember the nightmare. I was running from something. No matter how fast I ran, I couldn't escape.
This morning when I saw mom with a knife, I got this sick feeling in my gut. It's not even logical. I know mom would never hurt me, but when
I saw the blade I rushed out of the kitchen, pretending there was something that needed my immediate attention. I went up to the loft and
hid until I had to leave to do another hour of community service.
While I was doing my time, the sheriff ran into me. She had some questions for me about last night. I just told her that I saw Paul almost
axe Lex to death, which is what I told her last night. I can tell she doesn't believe me. I don't care. I just hope they make sure Paul
doesn't somehow get away with it. He asked me what Paul meant when he said that he'd killed me. When I didn't say anything she told me he
was taken to 'the nuthouse' (her choice of words not mine) for an evaluation and that most likely he would be there for a very long time
since it's very clear that he is insane. Then before she went into the Talon to get her morning caffeine fix, she said something about how
good I am at picking up trash. I was so relieved when she left.
Last night after I made a post about what happened, I called Lex just to hear the sound of his voice and to let him know how I feel about
him. He asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't but I opened the post so he could see it. It was really personal, but I feel like I can
show this to him. I realized something after we split up to find Paul. I was so panicked that he would do something drastic. The thought of
ever losing Lex terrifies me. I felt so lost when I rushed around that train station looking for him. At this point I can't even imagine my
life without him.
I just want to put this whole thing behind us.
~
08:02 am
Last night I stayed with Lex
We shared a lot of things. We talked about what we mean to each other. We talked about fear, and hope and togetherness. We talked about so
many things. Mostly we just sat in front of the fire and contemplated.
The attack made me really think. I've never had anything like this happen. I've been attacked before, but I've never had anybody hate me so
much that they wanted me dead. Even when Whitney and his friends strung me up in the field, they didn't want me to die. I realized that I
can't take anything for granted.
I haven't really talked much about what happened to anybody. We didn't talk about it much last night. It's still so fresh in my mind. At
least I didn't have a nightmare last night so that's a good thing.
I feel much better after spending the night with Lex. He makes me feel safe. He's the only one besides my mom and dad who do.
My dad asked me if everything was all right. We were feeding the cows. Everything was going along great. At least he had the foresight not
to complain about the fact that mom had let me stay over at the mansion last night. Then it happened. I jumped when he came up behind me and
grabbed my shoulder to get my attention. I told him that I'd been so lost in what I was doing that I hadn't heard him. He didn't buy it at
all. I can tell, but he didn't push for answers. He told me that if I needed to talk about something, he would be there for me.
How am I supposed to tell my parents about what happened? I don't want them to think that being with
Lex is too dangerous. It was just one
person, and it wasn't Lex's fault that Paul did what he did. I know dad. He might not see it that way.
I'm going to have to think some more about what to do. I don't like keeping things from my parents. It gets too complicated, and I never
remember what I did and didn't tell them. Maybe if I go to mom first.
~
10:38 am
Just one simple moment
... that I don't want to take for granted
I woke up this morning beside Lex. He was still asleep and the sun was just starting to brighten the dark sky. I woke him with a kiss. He
opened his sleepy eyes and graced me with a smile that could only be described as beautiful.
My only response was to kiss him again. Our lips touched and our tongues danced. It was a magical moment. I close my eyes now and imagine
it, and smile.
His hand on my bare chest sent shivers of delight through my body. I touched his cheek, stared deep into his eyes, and found love.
When he pushed me down and pinned me to the bed with a passionate kiss, I knew that everything would be all right.
~
10:41 pm
I told Mom and Dad
I woke up in a sweat again. I had another nightmare. I couldn't sleep all night. I did every chore there was, and even told Dad to take a
rest. He and Mom went out to dinner last night. He's really been treating her so carefully. I went down last night to talk to Mom and they
were sitting on the sofa together talking quietly. Then Dad reached out and touched Mom on her belly. She's starting to show and she's all
glowy and stuff. They looked so happy. I didn't want to bother them with my petty problems, but I've always tried to be honest with my
parents.
I couldn't hold it in any longer. At breakfast I told them what happened with Paul. As soon as I told Dad that it happened at the mansion,
he immediately started to freak out and demanded that I stop seeing Lex. I told him that if it wasn't for Lex, I would probably have died. I
didn't tell them exactly what happened. I sort of lied a little and said that Paul had attacked me and that he had a meteor rock since he
had been stalking me. I didn't mention the stabbing or cutting because I don't want to worry them more. Then I said that Lex had knocked
Paul out and got rid of the meteor rock, but that Lex didn't really know what it meant. I said I faked worse injuries so Lex thought I was
more hurt than I really was. Dad totally grilled me. Mom looked really stressed and I think she knows that I'm not telling the whole truth.
Mom can always tell when I lie. I could never hide anything from her.
I am totally fine. I don't want them to worry about me at all. Dad has to worry about Mom and take care of her. I'm not a kid anymore and
once they have the new baby, they'll be all wrapped up in him/her. I want them to stop worrying about me.
At least that's what I told them. I said I can take care of myself, and that I do have Lex, and he loves me and watches out for me. I almost
told them that Lex knows, but I couldn't. I would like it if Lex were there when I told Mom and Dad, that is, if Lex is up for that. I'll
have to ask him first. I would never tell my parents unless Lex said it was okay.
I feel so tired, but I don't want to sleep. I'm too afraid I'll see Paul's face in my dreams. I don't want to bother Lex about this. It'll
pass. I can take it.
I need to get homework done.
~
03:23 pm
I am so glad
... that I passed out in the hammock out in the loft last night. I managed to stay up until four in the morning, but eventually I couldn't
keep my eyes open. I didn't sleep for long. I woke up a few hours later, and I am pretty sure I screamed. I am so tired. I could hardly keep
my eyes open in English class. I think I might have drooled on my desk.
This time I dreamed that Paul killed me and Lex couldn't stop him. It was so horrible. I wish these nightmares would stop.
Mom looked very concerned this morning, but I reassured her that everything was totally fine. I can't have her worried about me. I'm sure
the dreams will eventually go away. Maybe once Paul is safely convicted the dreams will end, not that I know when that's going to happen.
Lex might know. I should ask him today when I stop in to drop off the deliveries.
In the meantime, Pete looked seriously happy this morning. He told me he's dating Brenda, and that Trisha says hi. We made plans to do
something sometime this week. Maybe we can take out the dirt bikes.
~
11:30 am
I feel like I'm going to fall apart
Yesterday I stopped in for a few minutes while doing deliveries to spend some time with Lex. I left him for last on my route, and I was so
tired by then, I think I was seeing double. I didn't stay for long because I didn't want the third degree. I know Lex is worried, but I
really just want to put it all behind me. It's not going to last forever. At least we got to kiss and touch. I really like touching him.
He's so soft. I am so darn tired.
I slept for an hour last night. When I woke up at three AM, I think I called out to my mom. Luckily I didn't wake her up. I fell asleep in
English class. It's not my fault the teacher's voice put me to sleep.
Now I am going to hide out in the Torch during study period and lunch. I have them back to back today.
All that blood. It was my blood. How did I survive? I can't believe he hated me so much. I've never had anybody hate me that much. It hurt
not just when he stabbed me, but because he wanted me dead, gone, expired from this world. He wanted me to be not breathing.
Why isn't Chloe already here?
~
10:21 am
I finally got some sleep
I woke up in a sweat again this morning. I can't remember the dream I had. It was vague. All I can recall was that it was dark and I called
out, but nobody was there.
That was before we talked on the phone. After we talked, I fell asleep right away. I felt so much better. I didn't dream this time. Thanks
for calling me, Lex. It was really great to hear your voice, and it really put me at ease when you said there was no way Paul was going to
get out.
I don't think I need to talk to mom and dad about this. It would just be too complicated anyway, so it's probably better if I don't say
anything to them. You really did make me feel so much better.
You don't have to worry about me anymore.
I'm probably going to sleep some more today, and then do some chores. Dad is in the next county for the day, so mom really needs my help.
So stop worrying about me. I'm fine. I'm so glad Mom made me stay home from school today. I really needed that sleep.
~
11:20 am
What a night!
The best thing about this morning was waking up happy. Last night was the first good night's sleep I've had all week. How embarrassing was
it to have my mom and Lex rush up to my room because I fell out of bed and had another horrible nightmare? Totally, but at least they forced
me to face my fear. Lex was over to talk to my mom about me.
I've never been so vulnerable before. When Paul pulled out the meteor rock, my first thought was to run, but it was too late. I couldn't
run. I hate those things so much. I wish they would go away. I felt so stupid that I didn't see it coming with how angry Paul was. He was so
bitter when I ran into him the first few times, and then when he purposely attacked me and said all those mean things, I was too shocked to
know what to do or say to him. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't.
I feel much better now that I've told Mom what happened. I feel safer and I know Paul is not going to come after me in the middle of the
night. I knew that already deep down. I was just so afraid and I kept hearing his words in my mind.
Lex drove me to school. Dad totally avoided us all morning, and mom knows that Lex knows that I'm an alien. By now, Dad knows, too. Mom is
going to talk to him about it. I know she can't keep this from him. I know it's wrong for her to keep this a secret, and I realize that my
Dad has a right to know what's going on.
This is totally freaking me out. If I don't think about it, maybe it will be fine. I know already that dad wants to talk to me tonight when
I get home. He called me on my cell phone to tell me that I am to go straight home after school so we can have a very long talk.
If I said I was panicked, that would be way too small a word to describe how I feel right now. I want to rush over to the mansion and tell
Lex to jump in his nearest car and get out of town right now.
Dad knows! I wanted to be the one to break this news to my parents. It's not an easy thing to even think about. I know I tend to avoid
sticky situations a lot of the time. At least Mom didn't freak out, not that I know of. She was probably too freaked out about the whole
Paul thing. I didn't want to tell her what happened, but I knew there was no way that either she or Lex was going to leave it alone. I'm
glad I did finally say it out loud.
Somebody hated me enough to stab me 182 times. Afterwards, even after Lex took the meteor rock away and I was healed, and I was cleaned up
and he took care of me, all I could see was the rage in Paul's face. I felt so violated. I was a victim. I've never seen myself that way.
I've always seen myself as somebody who can protect and defend not just myself but others. There, I said it, and now it's down in here. Now
I can move on. Maybe I might still have nightmares about it, and maybe not. The nightmares about the night on the cross in Riley field
eventually went away. I didn't have any nightmares last night.
I feel much better now that I've written that all out. I love Mom so much. I saw that look on her face last night, and all I could think was
how unfair all of this was. I won't let what he did to me control my life.
I have people in my life who love me, and I need to concentrate on them. I have Lex, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
~
11:03 am
Last night
After dinner last night, I went up to my loft to think. I knew Dad wanted to talk to me about what I'd told Lex. I was terrified; almost as
terrified as I was when Whitney left me in the field with that necklace around my neck. My Dad scares me sometimes. He's kind of
intimidating.
I went down into the storm cellar to look at the ship. I haven't been thinking about the message it held at all. I don't want to think about
it. I was going to activate it, but then Dad found me. He had this look on his face. I might have imagined it. I wouldn't say it was
disappointment, but it was close.
We talked. There wasn't as much shouting as I thought there would be. Dad looked so tired. I did that. I make my parents' lives harder than
they have to be. All I ever wanted was to be a son they can be proud of. Dad told me he is proud of me. It's just that sometimes I sense
something, but I'm not quite sure what. I thought it was fear, but fear of me or for me, I can't tell.
I told him that ever since he told me about my true origins, I've struggled so hard to be normal, and some days I forget what I am. I forget
that I am not human. I want to forget that I'm not human, but I know that's not possible. I told Dad that sometimes I think there's no way
anybody could ever love me for just me, beyond him and Mom. I told him how I've longed to have somebody in my life that I could share my
secrets with. I told him how afraid I always am that somebody would reject me if they knew the true me.
He's not happy that I told Lex. He wishes I hadn't, or at the very least, he wishes I had talked it over with them first. I had to tell him
about what happened when Pete drugged me a few months ago. I left out the part about Chloe. I begged him to understand that I needed Lex to
know. I needed him to love me back as much as I love him. My parents have always taught me that honesty is the best policy, but that when it
comes to my alien heritage, I have to fudge the truth because there are people out there who wouldn't see me as a person. They would see me
as a thing.
Another lesson they taught me was that a relationship built on lies is doomed to failure. Dad was griping about how well I learned his
lessons, but I told him that he's my hero and I wouldn't want it any other way. It's because of him and mom that I am who I am today.
Of course, Dad had to remind me who Lex's father is, and that his father would probably exploit me in a heartbeat. I reassured him that Lex
can handle his dad and that he would do just about anything for me. I couldn't believe the reaction that got. Dad looked sad. He said he's
afraid of what Lex would do to protect me, and he reminded me of what happened with Roger.
I made Dad promise not to go after Lex. He said he's tempted (though I think he was joking because he was smiling when he said it) but that
for my sake he will not kill my boyfriend.
I really tried to get Dad to understand that when Lex saw what I could do, he still loved me, and that it meant more to me than anything. He
doesn't look at me like I'm a freak. I hated to say this to dad, but I told him that Lex still touches me, and that he loves me even more
now than ever.
Then the grilling started. Dad told me how upset he was that I took Lex to New York. I understood that, but I couldn't explain to him why I
wanted Lex there. It just wouldn't have made sense to him.
We were down there for hours. Dad wanted to know exactly what I'd told and shown Lex. I spared him the details of how I told Lex, because he
really didn't need to hear that.
Wow, I totally rambled, and I didn't even expect to say much except that I really love my parents so much. They have given me so much
unconditional love and understanding that I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
Now I've found somebody else who gives me the same thing, only Lex isn't just somebody: he is everything to me. He is my world and I think
my Dad finally gets that.
Lex, I wanted you to know what happened because there are no more secrets between us anymore. I have made a lot of private posts here, so I
thought I would write the way I always do. I guess this means you don't have to leave town in a hurry. Maybe I could come over tonight and
we can talk about everything that has happened.
~
11:50 pm
GUH!!!!!!!!
Lex did it! He finally did it! He finally put his cock in me, and it was so awesome... I think I can still feel him inside me.
I went over for dinner. I dressed up nice in my best suit, because I wanted it to be like a real date, even if we couldn't go out to a fancy
place. Dinner was really nice. We talked about everything that had happened these past few weeks. I reassured him that things were going to
be fine now. I told him now that we have all our secrets out in the open, nothing could go wrong.
We went up to his room after dinner and he was so hot! The way he looked at me was so hot. He took off my tie really slowly and kissed me
while I sat on his bed. Then he stripped me slowly. I was so hard by the time he pulled off my boxers. I took his clothes off. I love him
dressed or naked. Either way, he is the hottest, sexiest thing ever. I was almost afraid to ask Lex if he would take me, but I did it. I
asked. He was hesitant at first. I wasn't sure if it was the right time, after everything that had happened over the last few weeks, but at
the same time, it felt so right. I felt like our relationship had moved to a whole new level.
Once we were both naked he sucked me off. It took an embarrassingly short time for me to come. Then we were on the bed together, making out.
He turned me onto my stomach. I was totally flipping out inside because he climbed up onto me and finger-fucked me while whispering dirty
words in my ear. I begged for more and he licked down my back until he licked down there. I couldn't believe how hard that made me. I felt
so dirty and naughty, and I wanted more. I don't think I have ever been so hard. I thought I was going to come just from his tongue inside
me. It was deep inside me. He really knew what he was doing.
I was blushing the whole time, but I think I shoved my ass in his face. I'm pretty sure I did that and then begged him to fuck me really
hard. I thought he was going to fuck me like that. I would have done it any way he wanted.
He turned me onto my back and got the condom and lube then prepped me. It seemed like it took forever for him to get the condom on his cock.
When he finally spread my legs and pressed himself to my hole, I looked up into his eyes. It totally blew me away how amazing he looked. He
was hot and vulnerable and sexy all at once and I fell in love all over again.
I wasn't sure how it would feel to have him inside me. I don't feel pain like other people do, but I sure felt him. It wasn't painful, more
like a tingle-burn. He thrust deep into me. I was so amazed and overwhelmed by all of it. I begged Lex to fuck me as hard as he could. I
wanted to feel it. He gave me what I wanted. He didn't hold back. He grabbed my legs and spread them wide and fucked me, our eyes locked.
Then he closed his eyes and pounded into me.
I wanted it to last forever. It felt so amazing and hot and dirty and hot... I wanted to do it again right away. Lex wasn't really up for it
again, but he promised we would do it again for sure. So I'm hoping I can go over tomorrow night and he can show me a repeat performance.
I think I love being the bottom. It's making me so hard thinking about Lex on top of me, fucking me. I want to run over and beg him to do it
to me again.
I think I'm a slut. I want more.
06:09 pm
This totally sucks.
I woke up so happy this morning. I had this amazing dream that I was dating the hottest guy ever. He was so hot and
aggressive and horny and his name was Lex. The best part of the dream was when he pinned me to the bed and topped me over and over. It was
such an awesome dream.
Unfortunately the rest of my day didn't go so well. Actually it was going great until Chloe showed up. Lana had asked me to come watch her
ride for her show practice and then help her at the Talon, so I went by early this morning. I wanted to do as much work as possible and
still have time to do the chores, run errands, and see Lex tonight. I totally forgot that I was supposed to write an article for the school
paper. Chloe was spitting nails when she showed up, and we had a huge fight. I quit the paper and walked out on the conversation.
I can't believe she thinks I don't make her a priority. I totally do. Just because I forgot one time when I was supposed to do something for
her doesn't mean I neglect our friendship. At least now I don't have to worry about it, any more. I don't work on that stupid paper, so
screw her. The more I think about it the angrier I get. It's totally not my fault. I was helping a friend, and it was Chloe's girlfriend, so
you'd think she'd be a little less harsh.
I have a ton of work to do for Dad, and then I have to go into Grandville to run errands for Mom. I guess I'll just stay away from Chloe and
let it blow over. I'm sure she'll forgive me. She always does.
~
01:33 pm
Damn, that hurt!!!!
This week is going to totally suck. It started off badly yesterday with the fight Chloe and I had, and it got even worse today. She told
me that maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore. I didn't even know what to say to that. I swear she acts like Lana and I are cheating on her!
I was so upset and pissed off that I just took my stuff from the Torch office and walked away.
Then last night on my way back from Grandville, I ran into some guys robbing a truck. I tried to stop them, but they were stronger than I
am. They kicked my ass. I couldn't believe it. I was so stunned.
I found them today and I followed Eric to the Smallville foundry. I can't believe Eric is refining meteor rocks into liquid and inhaling it.
That is so dangerous. I tried to warn them, but instead they caught me and tried to kill me. If they hadn't taken off with the refined
Kryptonite, I'd be dead right now. I'd be ashes. My clothes were completely burned off of me, but not before I got a good taste of what it
feels like to have all my skin burned to a crisp and my clothing stuck to me. At least I still have my hair. I would laugh at the thought
that I could have come out of this bald except for the fact that it's not funny.
I healed completely, but I had to run home without any clothes. I walked into the kitchen completely naked. Of course Mom and Dad both
happened to be having lunch at the time. I probably should have gone up to my loft first to get clothes but I was too stunned to think
straight.
I still shudder when I think about how hot that thing was inside. All I can think about is the fact that my boots were melted off my feet,
and the fact that every inch of my skin was burned but that there are no scars to show what happened to me.
I just took a shower, but I still feel like crap. I hate fire.
Dad called the sheriff with an anonymous tip. I don't want to get back on her radar. I know I should tell the police what I saw, but how do
I explain everything? Sometimes it totally sucks to be me.
Ugh, I really need another shower right now. I swear I still feel ashes in my hair and my skin still feels hot.
I am going to stay home for the rest of the day and take a very, very, very, very long bath. This is just so gross. I can't even imagine how
Lex will take it. I can see it now: "Oh hi, Lex. By the way, I almost died today." It's probably better not to tell him about it. I don't
want him to freak out and worry. After seeing the look on my parents' faces when I told them, I think I'll just keep this to myself.
~
06:01 pm
As bad as yesterday afternoon was...
...the rest of the day was great. Mom made my favorite dinner and baked cookies all for me. I took a really long bath
last night before bed, and then I had the best night's sleep I've had in a long time. I had no nightmares, and I didn't wake up until just
before my alarm clock went off. I even managed to wake up without smashing my clock.
I realized that I'm going to have to get a new wallet and all new ID. This morning I went to the office to get my student ID replaced. My
wallet was in the back pocket of my jeans when I was thrown in the furnace. I had five dollars in there and all three of Lex's phone
numbers. Luckily, I'd left my cell phone in my locker. I guess that was dumb, since I could have used it yesterday, but then it would have
probably been burned up, too.
I told Mom that I'd make sure to tell Lex about what happened, but that I wanted to do it in person. I thought for sure she was going to
call him up right away. I talked her out of it. She really doesn't need to deal with any more stress than necessary.
I was gloating at lunch time. I watched as the sheriff arrested Eric. When he saw that I wasn't dead, the look of shock on his face was
priceless. I wanted to rub it in, but I stood on the sidelines until he was taken away in the police car. It's not like he can tell anybody
what he did. They would think he was crazy.
Last night Pete stopped by to give me my homework, which I finished in about ten seconds. He was so jealous, until I told him what Eric had
tried to do to me. He was understandably horrified, but I reassured Pete that Eric was going to get his. Eric is in jail now and everything
will come out, and Eric and his friends can't hurt anybody anymore.
The only thing that sucks is when I saw Chloe in the hall today. I started to go over to talk to her until I remembered that we're not
friends any more. That totally bummed me out.
~
05:36 pm
The Torch was trashed
My parents were attacked, too. Somebody bailed Eric out of jail, and he attacked me. I was trying to talk to a very upset Chloe, when
Eric jumped me. He overpowered me and warned me to stay away from him and his friends. I struggled so hard to get away from him, but he was
so strong. Then he threatened my parents. I ran home as fast as I could to find my mom and dad had been attacked. The attackers wrecked the
farm and pinned my parents to the loft up high. It took a while for me to get them down. I was so terrified that Mom had been hurt. I begged
Dad to leave for a while until things settled down.
He finally agreed to take Mom to the city for a few days until I could do something about Eric and his buddies. I am so furious. I want to
smash his face in, but he's just as strong as I am, and every time we fight, he kicks my ass.
Chloe is so upset, but she refuses to talk to me. Usually we've made up by now, but this time she's serious. She's really mad at me. I wish
there were something I could say to make it better. I really miss her. You never know how much you count on somebody until they're not there
any more. Maybe if I talk to Lana, she could convince Chloe to come around.
Mom and Dad just left, so I'm alone now. I wish I could tell Lex, but I don't want to get him involved. What if they hurt him, or, worse,
kill him? Dad gave me a pep talk, but I still feel a little scared. These guys burned me alive, and every time I go near them, it hurts. I
feel so weak around them, but mostly I feel like a failure. I've never been beaten like this before. It's humiliating. Coming home naked was
embarrassing. I realized that it doesn't even matter that I'm invulnerable, because my family and friends aren't. What if they'd really hurt
Mom and Dad? How could I have dealt with that?
I think about it and I rage inside. I want to destroy them for what they did to my parents.
~
06:50 pm
Lex, I can't believe this!
Why would you bail Eric out of jail! Why would you do that, Lex? Are you the "friend in high places" he said he has? Is this true?
~
01:05 pm
When the parents are away
That was the most amazing night ever. Lex came over just as I was finishing up the chores. I wasn't really mad at him for what happened
with Eric. If I'd told him what Eric had done to me and if I'd told him about what was in the truck, it would have played out a different
way. I felt angry at first that he'd bailed Eric out of jail, but once I distracted myself with the chores and had time to think about what
happened, it was fine. I was just so happy to see Lex.
After I took a shower, we sat on the porch and talked as the sun set. Then we went inside and I made us dinner. I was glad neither of us
wanted to talk about the incident, although it did kind of scare me when Lex said he'd kill Eric for trying to burn me alive,
because I knew it was more than just talk, that he would literally do it. I don't want to be the reason Lex has to do something like that.
I think I convinced Lex that that would have been bad. At least I hope I did. I don't want to lose him now.
Lex slept over last night, and we had the most amazing sex ever. We broke my bed. Not that it matters since my bed has been broken countless
times by my floating and my enthusiastic bed-jumping when I was a kid. This was the best bed-breaking ever.
Lex had to sleep in his boxers since he hadn't expected to stay over. Having him under my covers in my own bed made me so horny I was hard
before I even climbed into bed with him. I couldn't help myself. I tried to fight it but that lasted for about ten seconds. I was on him
before even I realized it. It felt so amazing to kiss him and press up against his warmth. He kept touching me, probably to make sure I
wasn't hurt from the fire, but I didn't mind one bit. He sucked me off and I shouted his name out loud. Lucky thing Mom and Dad weren't
home. I guess if they had been, we'd never have fucked in my bed.
I am getting hard just remembering how good it felt to slide my cock deep into him and pound him so hard the bed collapsed. It's still
broken. I didn't have time to fix it this morning, but I don't really care. I even left fingerprints in the headboard. Hopefully Mom won't
notice.
After school today I'm going to stop by the mansion and make sure Lex doesn't do anything that will get him killed, or arrested. I don't
want him to go anywhere near Eric and his buddies. I know Lex. I know he's going to want to do something. I'll just have to be there to make
sure that whatever he does, he doesn't get his gorgeous hot body in trouble.
Man, I want to rush over there right now so we can repeat last night's performance. I wonder if he'd be up for that.
~
01:50 pm
Mom and Dad are coming home today
I am so happy -- they're going to be home later today. I miss them so much. I called last night after kicking Eric and his buddies'
asses. I was only too happy to beat the crap out of every last one of them. I have to admit, it gave me a thrill to kick Eric around. He had
it coming.
At first they got the better of me. It was three against one, but I turned things around. As soon as they were all unconscious, I called up
Pete and asked him to meet me. We took all the meteor bars we could find and buried them out in the woods. It was a little painful but at
least Lionel doesn't have them any more.
I knocked Lex out to do it. Yesterday when I went by to talk to him about a plan, he refused to let me help. He told me to stay out of it
and that he'd let his guys handle it. I couldn't do that. I had to fight Eric not just to prove that I could fight him, but to protect Lex.
Now I have to tell Lex what I did. Maybe it's better not to. Maybe I should just pretend I have no clue what happened. He'd believe me. It's
just at this point, I hate lying to him. I really do.
I have to get the house ready for Mom and Dad's return. I called last night and they're both fine. I talked to Mom first and she said that
everything was fine. I really missed them. Dad told me he was proud of me. I think I will never get tired of hearing him say that. It means
everything to me that I make Dad proud.
Now I hope Lex will forgive me for what I did. I hope I didn't hurt him too badly. He was gone when I went back to where I'd left him, so he
must have woken up and gone home. I dread talking to him, but it has to happen some time.
Chloe still won't talk to me. I tried to track her down, but Pete told me the best thing to do was stay away. I guess so. I really miss her.
She's always been there for me and now she's not. I wish none of this had ever happened. At least Lana is still talking to me. I'm going to
go see her ride this weekend. That should take my mind off things. I wonder if Lex would want to go see my friend ride in competition. I'll
invite him and then maybe I could make everything up to him. We could drive there together and find a secluded spot to make out and look at
stars. We haven't done that in a long time. Both of our lives have been so hectic.
~
11:47 pm
Calm weekend, so far
Mom and Dad got back from their trip to the city yesterday. They looked fine and Dad looked rested. I was so happy to see them that I
insisted on cooking dinner. Dad and I did the evening chores together, and I talked to him about what happened. I couldn't lie about Lex, so
I told him that when I told Lex about what Eric had done to me, Lex came over. He barely scowled this time. I left out the part about Lex
staying in my room overnight. I didn't think Dad would want to hear about that. He was happy to see me and so glad that I was okay.
I stopped by the mansion just before dinner to talk to Lex about what I did, but I couldn't tell him. I was going to and I started to, but
then I chickened out. I just couldn't tell him that I knocked him out so he wouldn't get hurt. I realized just how stupid that sounded. I
just kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything. I sat up last night in the loft thinking about this for a long time. I guess I just didn't
want to stir up things after Eric and his friends were caught and the Kryptonite safely buried. Maybe it's better if what I did stayed
buried, too. It's not like anybody got hurt.
Today I went with Lana and Chloe to Lana's horse competition. Lana won first prize, and after the event she invited me out to a celebratory
dinner. I almost said no, but Lana really wanted me to be there. Chloe didn't look thrilled but she behaved. I think Lana was hoping Chloe
and I would get along better and maybe start to talk about renewing our friendship. That wasn't in the cards. It's not that Chloe was
hostile. She was fine. I know we said we'd take a break from our friendship, so I wasn't that upset. I have to admit it did hurt a little,
but the fact that Lana was really happy to have me there made it all worthwhile.
~
08:44 pm
I spent most of today doing chores
I wanted Mom and Dad to have the whole day to spend together because it's Mother's Day. I did every chore she and dad would normally do.
I insisted. At first they said no, but it was too late for them to argue since I'd already done most of them by the early morning.
Dad and I took Mom to dinner so she wouldn't have to do any cooking or cleaning. Dad and I even dressed up nice. Mom took a nap in the
afternoon. I hope she's okay. She said she was fine, and Dad told me that the doctor in the city gave her a clean bill of health, but I
still worry that I cause her way too much stress. I talked to Dad a little about this. I asked him if it might be better for us to keep some
of the really stressful things that happen from her. He agreed with me.
I almost asked my parents if Lex could come with us to dinner. I really wanted him there, but I didn't want my Dad to get upset. He's
finally accepting Lex's role in our lives. It's probably best not to push too hard. I know eventually Dad will come around.
The sky is clear tonight, so I'm going to hang out in the loft. Mom and Dad already went up to bed.
I have to admit that I feel a little apprehension about the baby. I just hope I can be a good big brother to my new sibling.
~
06:05 pm
I have a date tonight
I asked Lex out on a date, sort of. They're showing an old film (I think it's some horror movie) at the Talon theatre tonight, and I was
going to go with my friends, but I went by the mansion during my lunch hour and decided to ask
Lex if he'd like to come along. He said yes.
I was so ecstatic that I spent the rest of the day on cloud nine. It's not like anybody but he and I will know that it is a date, and we
can't hold hands or anything, but it means everything to have him there with me.
When I stopped by, I locked the door to his office so we could have some privacy. We made out on his sofa. I wanted more to happen but I had
to get back to class. Unfortunately I had English right after lunch. At least I didn't have to stay late to do any Torch work, since I don't
work on the Torch any more. Chloe's still not really talking to me. The most she will give me is a polite greeting. She's going to be there
tonight at the movie. She'll probably be with Lana. At least we don't have to talk.
I have to go take a shower and get ready for my 'date'. I am really charged up about tonight. I can't wait to see
Lex. He's picking me up
soon so we can go into town. I told Dad that I had a date with Lex, and the only thing he told me was not to get home too late, since it's a
school night.
Everything is so perfect. I can't wait to sit beside Lex in that dark theatre. I wonder if I'll be able to sneak some touching. I could
always get some popcorn and fake that our hands bump when we both reach into the bucket. That could be lots of fun.
~
07:18 pm
Movie night almost went off without a hitch
The movie night was great, though I didn't really pay much attention to the movie. I was too distracted by
Lex's closeness. All my
friends were right there. He picked me up from home, and we went to the Talon for some coffee before the movie started.
I leaned my shoulder into Lex almost the whole time. It's not like anybody would say anything, since I am a big guy and those seats are so
small. It was a dream date as much as a public dream date could be in my small town.
The night went well except for a strange incident involving the ghost of a little girl. At least that's what Lana thinks.
Lex and she saw
Lana's friend from childhood, who still looked nine years old. It was weird, but I didn't want to think about that. I wanted to think about
how nice the night turned out. It seems that I can actually go on a date with my boyfriend and nobody will freak. Just because only we knew
doesn't mean it didn't really happen.
I went to talk to Lex this afternoon about this little girl so we could go check something out. His father was there, but he was leaving
just as I arrived. I have to admit that his father is kind of intimidating. He made a comment about my ears burning, and when he said 'see
you soon, son' to Lex, it almost sounded like a threat.
As soon as Mr. Big was gone, Lex poured himself a drink. I wish he wouldn't do that. It seemed his father was finally going to leave him
alone.
Lex agreed to go with me to check out a lead. It seems that this little girl is very real, even though Lana said she died a long time ago.
Something very strange is going on. I'm going to have to look into it some more. In our town, strange is normal.
~
That poor girl
How could her father do that to her? She's so hurt and confused and afraid. I tried to make her feel better, but I don't think it helped.
I wish I could have said something to help.
When Lana and I found that lab with those clones, I wanted to run. How could anybody do something like this? I wish people would stop using
the meteor rocks for their experiments. I wish Lionel would stop it. I have no idea why he'd want to clone a little girl, and I don't know
who those little boys were, but this has to be stopped. I can't believe that Lex would think it was an astonishing accomplishment. Maybe if
he'd seen those little boys and girls in the glass tubes, he might not feel that way. I can't believe his dad would do this. Why would he
want to clone people, and why would he want to have them grow up so fast they don't even know who or what they are?
Emily can move as fast as me. She was grown using meteor rocks. One thing I have noticed about the meteor rocks is that they seem to have a
similar effect on humans. They give people strength and speed, but the tradeoff is not worth it. In the end, all the meteor rocks do is
isolate them.
Lionel needs to stop what he's doing, and I am going to stop him. He may have moved the lab, but I will find a way to help that poor girl. I
know just how she feels. When I found out I was from another planet, I felt so alienated. That's the perfect word to describe where I was,
where I am still. I don't feel like any of them at all. I feel like Emily. I feel like I will never belong no matter how hard I try. That
doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying.
Through all of this, I'm really glad that Chloe could put our differences aside to help figure out what's going on. Lana is so terrified. I
hate seeing her so upset. I don't blame her. It's a very upsetting situation. The only person who seems more intrigued than disturbed by all
this is Lex.
~
08:57 am
Last night
Lana stayed in our guest room. My parents offered to let her stay with us. I went in to check on her right after I'd gotten ready for
bed. She looked so lost and afraid. A better word to describe how she looked would have to be haunted. I wasn't sure what else to do other
than hold her and tell her that I wouldn't let anybody hurt her. I knew I could protect her, so I decided to stay in the room with her.
Chloe showed up to check on her. It was only a little bit uncomfortable because I could tell Chloe wanted me to leave, but Lana wanted me to
stay and I couldn't leave Lana. So I stuck around, and we had some uncomfortable moments, but it was okay for the most part.
I really wished that the tension between Chloe and me wasn't there, but I can't deny it. I felt it and I am sure that Lana felt it. After
Chloe left, I stayed in the guest room with Lana. I was going to leave once she fell asleep, but I couldn't. I stayed in the room all night.
I didn't want Emily to come in while she was asleep and startle her.
Lana looked so peaceful when she finally drifted off to sleep. With all of the tension drained from her, just before she fell asleep, I
reassured her that I would not let anything happen to her.
So I haven't had any sleep. I went out to do chores very early, and then returned to check on Lana again. She was still asleep. I woke her
for breakfast, but I didn't tell her that I had stayed in the room with her all night. I guess I could have. All that mattered was that Lana
felt safe.
My dad got this look in his eyes when he asked if I'd stayed up all night with Lana. I know what he was thinking. I didn't even bother to
remind him that both Lana and I have people in our lives that we care about that way. It was kind of amusing for about five seconds. I'll
have to talk to Dad about it eventually. He really needs to stop holding out hope that I will find a girl.
~
11:18 am
Repeat performance
He almost died again. I dived in, my heart pounding. I thought this time would be the last time. I would lose him, all because somebody
played god. He looked dead when I brought him to shore. I breathed life back into him just like the other two times.
I keep thinking that maybe I won't be able to handle it this time. I keep thinking that I will break. It's too much to handle. I was so
grateful to Lana for coming to get me after what she saw. She was so shaken up, but she came through for Lex.
Emily led Lana and Lex to the bridge. It was the same bridge Emily had died at a few years back. She was angry and bitter and wanted Lana to
pay for what had just been a tragic accident.
Everybody is safe. I only saw Emily for a brief moment. She said that this was all Lex's fault. She told me that Lex should have stayed away
from Lana, and that his father is a really bad man. I just wish she would have stayed. I wanted to help her, but now she's disappeared and
we have no idea where she is. I wanted to find out what she meant by all this. I can only guess that she was bitter about what Lex's dad did
to her.
After I saved him, I took Lex home. He seemed to take it in stride, like this is something that we do all the time. Once we were back at the
mansion, he immediately went for a drink. I knew then that it wasn't so easy for him to dismiss. Not that I thought it would be, but I just
don't know what to say to him that would help. I seem to fail not only Lex on that front but Chloe as well.
At least I could save them. That's something.
~
10:41 pm
It's really going to happen
Dad made a crib for the baby. We're getting the extra room ready for the new family member. She's really coming. Mom thinks the baby is a
she. Maybe I should give her a name, like Peanut. I kind of like that.
Dad is so happy. When he showed me the crib and told me that he's planning on surprising Mom this weekend, I couldn't stop smiling. I told
him I'd make myself scarce. He insisted he wanted me there, but I told him I didn't mind letting them have this time alone.
I can't wait. I hope she likes me. I wonder what she'll look like. I wonder if she'll have red hair like my mom. If she does look like my
mom, she'll be beautiful. I'm getting so excited just thinking about how I'll be able to help Mom and Dad out with everything.
I think I'm going to go ask Mom if she'll let me 'talk' with Peanut.
~
01:08 pm
I felt her move
It was the most amazing thing ever. I sat with Mom last night and talked to Peanut. At first I felt weird doing it, but before I knew it,
I felt at ease, almost like I was already a big brother. She is so lucky to have my Mom and Dad for parents. I even touched Mom and Peanut
kicked. It was as though she knew I was talking to her. Mom looks so radiant and beautiful.
I feel so great today. I spent the morning with Mom and Dad. I did all the chores while Dad showed Mom the crib. When I came back inside,
they were talking about the baby's room. They were both so happy and glowing. I don't think I have ever seen Dad this happy.
I feel so lucky to have them as my parents. Every night when I go to bed, I say a little thank you that they were the ones who found me.
~
06:54 pm
I just got back from the mansion
I was in such a great mood that I wanted to share it with Lex. After lunch, I ran over to the mansion to see if he could take a break from
his grueling work schedule. I found him in his study working, of course. It took almost no arm-twisting to talk him into going for a walk on
the mansion grounds. It was a gorgeous day out. The sun was shining, the birds singing... that kind of day. I just couldn't let it pass
without spending some time with Lex.
I dragged him outside and we walked for a while, talking mostly about the upcoming summer and our plans. I told him how excited I am that
I'm going to be a big brother soon. He got a little quiet so I changed the subject.
We found a secluded spot, and before I knew it we were making out on the soft lush grass. I am in love with spring. Everything is being
reborn and all new. Before I knew it, Lex was tugging my jeans and boxers down and sucking me off right there in the shade of a huge oak
tree. I climaxed as birds flew from tree branch to tree branch. He totally blew me away, and as soon as I recovered, I jumped him and
returned the favor. He looked gorgeous in the shade of the leaves, sun dancing in his bright blue eyes, cheeks flushed and skin warmed by
the light of the sun. I licked his bare skin, trying to taste the rays.
We lay in the grass for a while, my head resting on his bare chest. I felt so satisfied. I looked up into the sky, and wished we could stay
like that forever.
~
12:26 pm
Happy fake birthday to me
It's not really the day I was born. My parents had to give them a date at the adoption agency for their records, so they picked today. I
never tell anybody about it since it's not truly the day I was born. Usually I just ignore it. Mom and Dad still do something every year.
Last year was a total disaster, so I didn't bother to remind Lex what day it would be today when I talked to him yesterday. I did agree to
go over after dinner today so we could just hang out.
Pete picked me up to drive me to school this morning. We talked about Chloe. I'm just going to have to wait it out. He said he's been
avoiding her. He's afraid he'll catch her wrath meant for me as well as any she has for him. I reminded him that she's not Darth Vader, so
even if there was wrath, she couldn't really hurt him. I think Pete has been way more affected by what's going on than he's told me. It
makes sense and I told him to stop avoiding Chloe. I asked him to please stick close to her. He seemed to like this idea. I think he's still
hung up on her. I know he had a huge crush on her, but ever since she was outed, he hasn't really talked about her that much. I mean, he
talks about her but just not as much as he used to.
He got me a twenty-five dollar gift certificate for the Talon: free lattes for a day, since I drink so many in a day.
Right now I have to get out of the Torch office before Chloe catches me. I have to get to class and take a test. I totally forgot to study
for it.
~
11:07 pm
I don't even know what to say.
I went over to the mansion after dinner to hang with Lex. When I got there he surprised me with a chocolate cake. It was chocolate on
chocolate and huge. He asked me to make a wish and blow out the candles, so I did. I wished that everybody would be safe and that no harm
would come to any of my friends and family. It's the same thing I wish for every time.
I didn't really expect much from him except maybe to spend time together. He pulled out a jewelry box, the kind a ring comes in. I was
stunned. When I opened it up, I found a ring inside. A really nice simple band, that looked way too small for me to wear. It turned out to
be his mother's wedding ring.
I didn't know what to say. I stupidly asked if he was asking me to marry him. About five seconds later, I realized there was no way he'd do
that. He said that I'm too young. I tried to hide how hurt I was by his words, but I understood what he meant. I know he's right and
besides, marrying age in Kansas is eighteen and I just turned seventeen. Not that we could marry since we're both guys.
So it wasn't a marriage proposal but in a way, it was something even more precious. His mother's wedding ring. I mean, I was totally blown
away. I lose things all the time and I am so afraid that I will lose this.
At first he asked me to put it on my necklace since it doesn't fit any of my fingers comfortably. I put it in my pocket and said I'd figure
out a way to wear it. I smeared cake on my lips and we kissed and I got totally lost in him. He looked so gorgeous, when he pulled my jeans
down and saw that I had gone commando, I thought I was going to jump him on the spot. Maybe he intended to top me, but once I told him I
wanted to bend him over the table and take him right there, I couldn't stop myself.
So we had sex right in the dining room with my chocolate cake nearby. When he was bent over the table and I was buried deep inside him, I
made him suck icing from my finger. Watching and feeling him licking and sucking on my finger and the sensation completely pushed me over
the edge. He came and I followed almost right after.
It was the most amazing sex ever. I say that every time we have sex, but I can't help it. It's so true. Every time we do it, he totally
blows me away. He's so hot and so sexy.
I thought I was going to pass out from sensory overload. To touch him and taste him and feel him that way, and on top of that to hear him
say 'ditto'... it was the best birthday ever.
After we cleaned up, we pulled on a few clothes so we could go to the hot tub. Lex wasn't happy that I chose to put the ring in my pocket.
In fact, when I took my pants off to get into the hot tub, the ring fell out of my pocket, so he asked me again to put it on the necklace.
This time I did. I still feel terrified that I'm going to lose it. I keep thinking of that time I broke the necklace without meaning to. I
lose things so easily. Luckily I made it home with ring and necklace still intact.
Lex told me that he loves me and that we're forever. I feel so overwhelmed. I want to talk to somebody about this, but Mom is asleep already
and I really don't want to wake her. Maybe tomorrow I can bring it up. I have to know what she thinks. I want her to know that I see Lex and
me in terms of us being together forever.
Maybe it's not realistic to think this way when I'm only seventeen. Lex said he doesn't want to presume and that he doesn't want me to give
anything up for him. He can be so blind sometimes. I would give so much up for him. He said that the ring already belongs to me, but my
heart belonged to him probably from the moment we met.
I am so hungry right now. I already ate five hardboiled eggs when I got home, but it wasn't enough. I need a sandwich or something. I don't
feel tired at all. I feel so alive. I feel so awake. The sky is clear tonight and the stars are shining like diamonds. I want to go back to
the mansion and be with Lex. Maybe one day, we'll live together and share everything. I already feel like we do.
~
07:38 am
Lex called me over to the mansion last night
I wasn't sure what to expect, but I'm so glad I went over. After dinner and a few chores, I ran over as fast as I could, which turned out to
be about half a second. I found a note in Lex's office asking me to go up to his room. When I went up, I found him in the shower. He looked
so amazing, dripping wet, room full of steam. I immediately stripped so I could join him. I can't get enough of touching him. He's so sexy
and so hot.
It makes me so hard just thinking about him. When I went home last night even after we'd been together, I had to jerk off. Seeing Lex in the
shower, wet, I almost came when our cocks touched. We kissed like we'd been apart for years. Then he turned me around and his hands were all
over me, touching my skin. I was already so horny. It amazes me how sexy he makes me feel.
I braced myself on the wall away from the showerhead, and he fucked me right there, up against the wall, one of his hands on my hip (and I
swear I can still feel his grip), the other gripping my cock, stroking me to the most amazing orgasm ever. He pounded into me so hard, I
actually cracked the shower tiles. It was so euphoric and amazing, I forgot everything else. All I could think about was Lex.
After we finished, we kissed and laughed about the tiles. I guess if he's going to stay with me, he's probably going to have a big repair
bill.
We washed off (best thing about shower sex) and put on some really nice robes, then went back to his room to lounge on his bed. It seemed
like just five minutes later I was horny again. I begged Lex to touch me. He makes me feel so sexy. I told him that, and he urged me to
touch myself, so I pulled our robes open. I wanted to come on his skin. I jerked off right there in front of him. I felt sexy and safe and
loved as he watched me. I still can't believe I did it. I kept thinking about it last night in bed and that was what made me jerk off again.
I think I found my perfect sexual fantasy: Lex fucks me then I jerk off as he watches. If I could have that every time, I'd be so happy. I
don't really want it every time since I totally love fucking him and he always looks so sexy (way sexier than me, I am sure) when he jerks
off.
I shouldn't have written this first thing in the morning, because now I have to jerk off again.
~
10:47 pm
Rambling and stumbling through life
I haven't had much time to pause and write in here the last few days. Things have been really hectic. I've either been studying or
helping Mom and Dad. Lex went away on business for the weekend but I called him earlier. I wanted to talk to him, and Lana asked if I could
talk to him about something for the Talon, so I asked Lex when I called if he could take care of it. He said he'd get to it as soon as
possible. He isn't coming home until Sunday, which sucks. I really miss him.
I hadn't seen him for a few days before he went away on Friday. It's so weird how I feel like I have to see or at least hear his voice every
day. I almost started talking to Pete about it last night. We were at the Talon, hanging out doing nothing in particular, and the subject of
significant others came up. Pete is still seeing Brenda. I asked him how serious he was with her, and he just shrugged and said he wasn't
sure.
I know I'm sure when it comes to Lex. I wish I could tell Pete. I really do. I hate keeping this from him. There was a moment for just a
second when we were sitting there laughing, and he was cracking jokes that I thought maybe he'd understand. We've been best friends since I
was five. Maybe I'm not giving Pete enough credit. I might start by just telling him that I don't like girls. Maybe that would clue him in.
He had to leave to run some errands for his mother, so I sat alone for awhile, looking at all the people who walked in the door, wondering
if I found them attractive. Other than thinking some girls were pretty and some guys were cute I didn't really find anybody attractive the
way I find Lex attractive. It's like he was made just for me. My mom always told me that one day I'd find the perfect person for me. She
always said person. I'm not sure why, but the more I thought about that, the more I realized how cool it is that my mom didn't make
assumptions.
I was going to talk about Lex and why I find him so attractive. If I had to explain it to somebody who'd never met him, I would say that I
know when he's around. The second he walks into a room, I can feel him, that and he's totally hot.
So I'm sitting here in my loft, thinking. I was reading a book about the nature of attraction and what makes us attracted to others. The
chapter about the different things we do subconsciously to attract somebody was very interesting. I doubt I'll be able to look at people the
same way again.
My favorite thing that totally turns me on about Lex is the way he treats me. To him I was never just a kid. He's always treated me like a
mature adult. If only he could teach that trick to Dad. He makes eye contact with me every time we talk. I notice he never shies away from
eye contact. It's a little intimidating, but at the same time it makes me feel important.
If you ever met him in real life you'd know what I mean.
~
05:46 pm
Just waiting around
I stopped by the Talon today to tell Lana that she'd be getting her new cappuccino machine very soon. I couldn't stay long. She was busy
so I got my coffee to go. Then I went over to Pete's and we went out on dirt bikes. I had so much fun. I haven't heard from
Lex yet. He's
either going to be home tonight or tomorrow sometime.
I can't wait to see him. I want to give him an awesome welcome home present.
I still have the ring. I haven't lost it. I even wear it to bed.
I spent some time in the new room. It's not really new. It's the guest room being made into the little peanut's room. I can't wait. I am
even excited to change diapers.
~
12:15 pm
That could have gone better.
When I was at the Talon Saturday, Lana noticed the ring on my necklace. I told her the story behind it. I feel like my friendship with her
has become one of the most important in my life. She understands me and she knows where I'm coming from. When I confide in her, it makes me
feel good inside. I love her like she was my own sister.
It's been such a strange day so far. Things started off great. I was happily talking to Mom about how excited I am about the baby and how
happy I am with Lex, when Lex showed up. Dad even brought him to the kitchen. He actually looked happy to see Lex. I think my heart actually
skipped a beat when I saw my dad's reaction to seeing Lex. That didn't last very long.
Lex had stopped by to ask my parents to come to a dinner party he's throwing. I know what he's trying to do, and I love him even more for
it. Dad doesn't feel anywhere near the same way. At least Mom got him to calm down. I can't believe that after all these months he still
acted that way. I was so disappointed in him.
Then they had this big fight and Lex left upset. I didn't even get a chance to talk to Lex alone or even touch him. I don't know when he
came home from his business trip. He never called me and he seemed so distracted. I'll have to talk to him tonight about everything. I was
so annoyed at Dad; I couldn't even talk to him after Lex left.
~
09:31 pm
Things are looking up, sort of.
I caught up with Lana this afternoon. She was horseback riding. We talked about Chloe. I felt bad because I totally forgot that I promised
Chloe I'd talk to Lex about Lionel. I meant to. It's just that things kept coming up and I kept forgetting. Now Chloe is angry at me and I
don't know what to do about it.
Then I heard it: a voice in my head. The day is coming. That's what it said. I had to leave Lana in the middle of our conversation. I
felt horrible, but I didn't have a choice. Just as I rushed back to the house, my cell phone rang. It was Lex. He called me to tell me that
Dr. Walden had woken up. I tried not to panic.
I rushed right over to the hospital. I wasn't sure what I would find. I was terrified that Walden had said something to Lex. I just couldn't
deal with that right now. It turned out to be really bad. Lex said a beam shot out of Dr. Walden's hand. He scorched symbols on the ceiling
of his cell that read 'the day is coming', the same chant I'd heard in my head earlier. Then Walden escaped. He knows about me. He
somehow knows what I am. Lex said Walden was chanting 'the day is coming', so he guessed that was what the symbols said. The rest of
the message said 'he is not one of us'. I didn't tell Lex about that part.
After I somehow managed to keep from totally freaking out, we agreed to work together to find Walden and stop him. I'm so confused.
Everything was all right then suddenly these strange things started to happen.
I've been all over town trying to find Walden. I went down to the caves, but I only ran into Lionel. He owns the caves now. Lex didn't tell
me that his father took the caves away from him. Lionel is such a creep. I hate being near him. He gives me these really strange looks that
make me feel dirty, but I have something more to worry about. The symbols around the keyhole in the cave wall have changed. I don't know
how, but they aren't the same anymore. It now says 'The day is coming when the last son will begin his quest to rule the third planet.'
It's me. I'm the last son.
Lionel saw this and he knows for sure that something is up and I think he suspects that I am in the middle of it. I'm going to talk to Lex
about this for sure. How much does Lionel know about me? Is he doing this because I'm with Lex?
At least something went right. Later in the afternoon, Lex stopped by again to talk to me. Dad apologized for the way he'd behaved toward
Lex earlier in the day, and agreed to go to the dinner party. Lex and I went up to my loft and finally got to kiss. It felt so good to touch
him and smell him and feel him close. We talked a little about the party and why he wants to have one. He wants us all to get along. I can't
wait. This is so exciting.
Now if only we could find Dr. Walden and make sure he's safely contained. I'm just not going to think about him. I know Lex will take care
of it.
~
08:53 am
How can they act like it's not about me?
I can't believe Mom and Dad. I told them about the symbols changing and that Lionel was down in the caves asking about them, and all they
can do is act like nothing is happening! Walden can read my native language. Lionel knows something is up. I have a very important dinner to
go to, and I don't want to have to think about these things.
Why now? Why does all of this have to be happening now? I hope they catch Walden soon. I had nightmares about it last night. I was trapped
and I couldn't get to my parents or Lex or any of my friends. Then suddenly they were all in front of me, telling me to stop fighting. They
kept saying that everything would be fine. I woke up in a sweat early this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep, so I went out and did
every single chore.
I made coffee. Dad and I talked about the dinner party. I thanked him for agreeing to go, and he actually told me that he's very proud of
me, and that he trusts Lex. I was speechless. When I asked why the sudden change of heart, he said that he could see how much Lex loved me.
My dad actually said this! He apologized for being so pigheaded. I think I got tears in my eyes. I don't remember for sure because I was so
busy trying to figure out what had made Dad change his mind about Lex.
I am so anxious about the party -- I can't wait for it. I want to write a speech, but I have no idea what to say. I know that I won't hold
back. I am going to tell Mom and Dad just how much I love Lex.
~
05:02 pm
This is it
I'm going over to the mansion in an hour for dinner. Lex invited my parents and me over to a formal dinner. I'm already dressed for it in my
best suit, and I think I have what I'm going to say for my toast figured out. I wanted to say something that would show my parents and
Lex
how much he means to me.
I've been looking through every book from Socrates to Shakespeare, trying to find someone who could put into words the way I feel about
Lex. But what I realized is, there are no words for how I feel. And when you have it you trust it, and you believe in it. I took a chance on
it, and I was willing to sacrifice anything to keep him no matter what the cost. To Lex. I love you.
I know for sure that I want to kiss him with my parents watching. Just the thought of doing that makes me so nervous. I hope it's enough.
Maybe I shouldn't have insisted on making a toast. My heart is beating a mile a minute.
Chloe was just here. I forgot to talk to Lex about his dad, but she didn't bring that up. She asked if I would write an article about Walden
with her. Tonight has to be perfect. I've been so busy with everything and so panicked that I completely forgot about the favor she asked of
me. Right now I can't think about that. I'll talk to Chloe tomorrow and we can start to mend our friendship then. She'll forgive me. She
always does.
Right now, I need to get through tonight without passing out or having a heart attack.
~
03:55 am
I can't sleep
My whole life just fell apart. Dr. Walden tried to kill me. He said he was doing it for mankind. He shot this painful beam out of his hand
at me, and when I fought back, he accidentally exploded a gas tank and burned up. Nobody blamed me. Even the police said it was just a freak
accident. What if he's right? What if Walden was right about me being a danger to the world? Why did the message say that I have to begin my
quest to rule?
Everything went so perfectly at the dinner with my parents and Lex. We were so happy. I read my speech and Lex and I kissed, and Dad gave
Lex the traditional Kent compass. It's only ever given to the person that you are supposed to marry. We ate and laughed and talked and
everybody was so happy. I was so happy.
Then Lex showed me the room. He said he didn't want there to be any more secrets between us. I didn't even have a chance to react when the
voice in my head called me to the farm. I ran from Lex. I left him standing in that room alone. I didn't even tell him what was wrong. I
didn't even have time. I just told him I couldn't deal with this right now and I left before he could say anything.
The ship called to me. I went down to the storm cellar and it said it was the memory of my biological father, Jor-El. He said I have to come
to him by sundown tomorrow night so I can fulfill my destiny. It told me that I don't have a choice. Screw him! I'm not doing it. I have a
life right here in Smallville. I have my parents and things between them and Lex are just starting to finally come together. Dad finally
accepted my choice to be with Lex. I'm going to be a big brother. I have best friends who care about me. I won't do it. I won't go. I can't.
I can't even think about anything else right now. I have to figure out what to do about this. I wish I could talk to somebody, but right now
this isn't something I can share. Not with Mom or Dad, and especially not with Lex. He kept the fucking car! Why? I thought he trusted me. I
thought all of that stuff was behind us. I told him all my secrets, and he still kept all those things. I have to deal with this after I
figure out what to do about the ship. Maybe I could get rid of it somehow.
Lex had the car and all these things that had to do with me locked up on display in this room at the mansion. What was Lex thinking? What if
Lionel found it? I just can't deal with this. Why does he have to do this to me right now? Everything was so perfect, and he does this. Why
would he keep those things? He had a computer monitor with a digital reenactment of the crash. I told him everything! What more did he want
from me?
Why does my life have to be so complicated right now? It was going so perfectly. I should have known something was going to screw it up. I
should never have thought that things were going to be okay.
~
10:47 am
The dinner was great.
Everything was so amazing. Lex looked so handsome. I said the toast and it went so well. We kissed with Mom and Dad watching. Dad even gave
Lex the traditional compass. Dad's father gave him one when he got married. It's a symbol of love that says you're now a member of the
family. I will never forget the look on Lex's face when he realized what my father was giving him. He looked so happy.
The food was fantastic. My parents both looked so happy. Lex and I spent some time alone together. It was brief and we really didn't say
much since my parents were there. I don't think I've ever been happier.
Later on in the evening, after I got home from dinner at the mansion, Lana stopped by my loft to talk. It's so easy to confide in her. She's
becoming one of my closest friends. She's always there for me when I need her. I never really noticed that until these last few months. I'm
so glad I have her to talk to. I just wish things with Chloe were so easy. She looked so hopeful yesterday when she stopped by to talk. So
much has happened since we had that big fight. I want our friendship to be as easy as the one I've developed with Lana, but right now, I
just can't think about it. I have way too much to deal with.
~
09:31 pm
This is insane
No matter what I do, things keep getting worse. The ship burned the mark of my ancestors on my chest. It really hurt. My chest burned when
it was happening. I've never felt pain like that before. How am I going to explain any of this to my parents or to Lex? That voice coming
from the ship told me that if I don't obey it, I will hurt the ones I love. It said I have no choice. My Dad says I always have a choice. I
will not do whatever it is the ship wants me to do. I will not rule the world. Even Lionel seems to think it's true. I ran into him down in
the caves. I needed time to think. I needed to get away from everything and I was hoping maybe something on the walls would tell me what I
am supposed to do. He has all this equipment down there and he made a key out of Kryptonite.
He's insane. He knows about me. He believes it. He probably thinks I'm a threat to his son. When he showed me the key he'd made, a key made
out of Kryptonite, I just know he held it close to me on purpose so I'd get sick. He must know that the meteor rocks make me sick. God,
Lionel is so scary. I could easily get away from him, but he terrifies me. He saw the ring on my necklace and totally freaked out. I've
never seen him so angry. He pushed me up against the cave wall and demanded that I tell him where I got the ring from. I didn't say
anything. I was so afraid that he wouldn't step away from me, but he finally did and I managed to get out of there. I tried to warn him that
it would be very dangerous to put that key he made into the wall. I don't think he listened. He's crazy. He's determined to go through with
his insane plan. Why hasn't Lex done something about this?
I'm so confused now. That room Lex had in his house... Why did Lex have to keep those things? I love him and I've given him everything of
myself that I could. I feel so betrayed. I don't know what to do. I can't go over there to talk to him. I'm too afraid. I need time to think
more about what happened and what to say to him. I don't want to lose him, but this is just such a betrayal. I keep telling myself that
maybe we can work it out, but then I think about that room. I don't know what to do.
Maybe it's better this way. If I really am a danger to mankind, maybe I should just let Lex go his way.
I want to destroy that ship. I hate it so much. I wish I'd never found it after it went missing. I hate it and I think I know how to destroy
it. What if I put that key Lionel made into the keyhole on the ship? Maybe the Kryptonite in the key would destroy it for good and that
voice would go away. I have to do something.
I could do this: Lex and I could have a long talk about trust and what it means to me. Maybe I never made it clear to him how much his trust
has meant to me. All this time I thought he trusted me to tell him everything about myself. He could have just asked... I would have told
him everything. Why did he have to keep the car and those other things? Why?
I don't want to lose him. I love him so much. I love him more than I have ever loved anybody in my life.
~
10:11 am
I have it
I have the Kryptonite key that Lionel made. Pete is the best friend ever. He braved Lionel's wrath to help me steal it, and now I am going
to put it in the ship. Mom and Dad went over to talk to Lex about what we're going to do about Lionel. They looked so hopeful. I could tell
they are both so afraid. It's my fault, but once I destroy the ship everything will be okay.
After I'm done here, I'm going to go over to the mansion, and Lex and I can talk about the room. I hate that he has it, but I am going to be
totally honest with him.
~
12:30 pm
Oh God!
Mom lost the baby! I killed the baby. It's all my fault. Everything is my fault. When I put the Kryptonite key in the hole, it destroyed the
ship like I thought it would. Mom and Dad were on their way back from the mansion when the explosion happened. It overturned the truck and
Mom lost the baby. The baby is gone because of me. I didn't mean for this to happen. I killed my baby sister. She's gone.
The ship was right. I destroyed everybody's life. I can't stay here anymore. I have to get out of here. I called Lex, but he's not answering
his cell phone. It went straight to voice mail, and I didn't want to leave a message. I have to tell him to stay away from me. When I called
the mansion to see if he was there, his staff said he'd flown out of town last night. I need to tell him to stay away from me. I can't do
this anymore. I should have told Dad. I should have told my parents what I was going to do. I just didn't want the ship to take me away from
them. I didn't want to lose everybody I love. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want any of this to happen.
I've done nothing but bring everybody more pain. If Lex had truly trusted me, he'd never have made that room. The way Dad looked at me at
the hospital and when he went in to tell Mom she'd lost the baby, I couldn't take it. I have to leave.
~
11:41 pm
So
I left home. My dad pretty much told me he didn't want me around anymore. Mom lost the baby because of me. I'm in the city living with some
chick whose name I don't even know. We met at some club and I told her I don't have a place to live. She offered to let me sleep on her sofa
until I get on my feet. All I had to do was play dumb and she was eating out of my hand.
I've called Lex about five hundred times. He's not there. He's nowhere. He shouldn't have just taken off on me. I want to talk to him. I
changed my mind. I want him here right now. Well, not here because dude this chick's place is ugly. Everything is pink. Lana would come if
she saw this place.
I need a plan and I need cash fast.
~
12:04 pm
No
This can't be happening. Lex is missing? He can't be. No. No. I won't believe it. He can't be gone. There's no way. We're supposed to be
forever. He's supposed to live with me forever. We're in love. It can't end like this. I can't let it end like this.
I won't let it end like this.
I know Lex. He's out there somewhere. He won't die on me. He can't. He promised we'd be together forever. I didn't even know he'd flown out
of town until it was too late. Why would he do that? Why would he take off without telling me where he was going?
If it was because of that stupid room he made, I'm going to kick his ass, right after I fuck him into the mattress.
Lex is mine. There is no way anybody is taking him away from me. He is mine. We are forever. I need a place to stay. I can't live on the
streets. I had to leave Tracy's place. She turned out to be just a little too touchy-feely, and a net cafe is not the best place to hang.
I know exactly what I'm going to do. Those losers will never know what hit them. I have all the time in the world. Wait -- scratch that.
Those stooges never knew what hit them. I love robbing from the idiotic to give to the less fortunate. It was so much fun to watch
the stupid looks on their faces when the money suddenly vanished. That little girl needed it way more than they did. This is going to be way
more fun than I thought.
I have all the money I need now to set myself up nice. It should only take a few hours.
~
10:05 pm
I have everything I need
...except him. He's missing. I don't have net at my new place either. That will take a few days. I did get some new clothes since I left
home with nothing but what I was wearing. It's funny how hundred-dollar jeans feel the same as a twenty-dollar pair. At least to me they do.
I've checked out my new neighborhood and it's nice and secluded. I was told by the landlord that nobody will bother me. That's exactly what
I wanted.
I'm totally bored now. I'm going out later to check out the clubs. I hear this town even has a few gay bars. Maybe I'll get lucky.
I still wish Lex were here with me. I always thought that when I moved to the city he would be the one I moved in with.
I'm sure his old man will find him. One thing that bastard is good at is finding things. I wish I could go look for him. I want him back.
~
09:29 pm
The best part about today
I didn't have to wake up to feed the cows. I loved getting to sleep in until noon. I've done nothing all day but watch the news. The lead
story: one missing lover. The search is on.
Last night I went out to see what this town had to offer. It was kind of boring until that guy got pissed off because his girlfriend
wouldn't stop touching me. That was amusing for five seconds. I spent most of my time watching people. That was interesting until the place
got crowded. Then I had to leave. I felt closed in, suffocated. There are too many people in the city, but very early in the morning it's
perfect. Very early in the morning there's hardly anybody around. I went up to the top of the Daily Planet to watch the sun rise.
That wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be until I jumped from the roof to the ground. This time the jump was awesome, unlike the last
time. That time I was afraid, but this time there was no fear. I have to do that again for sure. The rush was incredible. The landing was
much better this time. I wonder what they'll think of the cracked pavement.
Later on in the day I walked around the city for hours and ended up in front of the LuthorCorp building. I'm not sure why. It's not like
you'd be there. You ran away. You abandoned me.
Call me or something if you're out there and hiding. I'm in the city now. I live at 701 Brentwood Drive. You can find me. I know you can, so
come home. It's cold without you.
~
I started to phone home...
...but then I remembered Dad's words and the look on his face when he walked away from me.
When I took a shower this morning the scar on my chest started to burn. The pain was so excruciating. I didn't know it was the ring until I
pulled it off and the pain stopped. I thought it was the water. It was the first time I'd taken a shower since I'd put the ring on. It seems
so dumb now when I think about it to think that the water would burn me. I lay on the floor of the bathroom for an hour, fighting the pain,
writhing in agony. I must have cried the whole time. It hurt so badly, but nothing hurts as much as the thought that Lex might be dead. They
still haven't found him and there's no sign of where his plane went down.
The last time we saw each other, I was running away from him. That voice in head had called me to the key. I didn't get a chance to talk to
him. I didn't get a chance to tell him... but he's gone now so none of that matters. The baby is dead because of me. If I had done things
differently, if I hadn't destroyed the ship, then none of this would have happened. I thought if I destroyed the ship, I could make my past
go away. I thought I could escape it. Instead I made things worse, but that doesn't matter.
I'm never going back to Smallville. With the ring, it doesn't hurt as much. I haven't hurt anybody and I don't think I will. I don't think I
want to. I just want this hollow feeling in my chest to go away. I want the pain to stop.
That feels so much better. The city is so alive. Even right now, I could go out and find something or somebody to do. I could play. Back
home that wasn't an option. I can't believe I wasted so much time in that hick town.
The city is my home now.
~
09:31 pm
Gay sex and Music
I spent last night and most of today in bed. I'd never have been able to do that at home. I wonder how the old man is getting along. I bet
he's finding it hard to keep that farm going all by his lonesome.
I went shopping yesterday for some new clothes. I desperately needed a wardrobe change. This plaid look just doesn't cut it anymore. Lex
will love these clothes when he sees me in them. This new apartment is great. Nobody bothers me. I can do what I want. I can do nothing if I
want to. That's what I did yesterday. I slept in until noon and ordered in pizza. It was so relaxing. I really needed this break.
Today is a day for just doing nothing, too. Today I am just going to do nothing. I picked up a few books while I was shopping yesterday. One
of them was the New Joy of Gay Sex. That was the most interesting purchase I made. I was surprised to see it on the shelf of the local
bookstore. It's interesting. I particularly like the chapters on rimming and role-playing. I totally agree with the first part. I don't get
why some people are so turned off at the thought of licking ass when they suck cock. Personally I like both. I need to read more about
role-playing because it sounds like a lot of fun.
I also picked up some music CDs. It's the perfect day to just listen to music and read. Life couldn't be much better than this. The only
thing that would make it totally perfect would be if Lex were here with me. He really needs to get back from where ever it is he went off
to. I picked up all four seasons of Queer as Folk on DVD so tonight I am going to have a marathon.
~
12:33 pm
Last beat of my heart
Very early this morning I went to the coast, thinking that maybe there was some way that I could find him, but it only ended in frustration.
How am I supposed to save him? He's really missing. His plane really did disappear and others are searching for him. Bruce has joined the search
which means nothing. The papers even brought up their past relationship. Does this mean Bruce wants him for himself? Doesn't he know that
Lex belongs to me? I have the ring to prove it.
I tried on all my new clothes. I completely forgot to buy underwear. Not that you try that on in the store. I hate trying clothes on in the
store. It makes me feel gross. Besides, that would have been a total waste of my time. I have better things to do. Like watch eighteen hours
of gay TV and read more of that sex book I picked up. I am going to read it again just to be sure I got that whole part about the sex toys.
I think this requires more investigation for sure.
I woke up this morning (late in the morning) really excited. I had this dream featuring Lex, and it was, let's just say, really sexy. He was
here with me and we were having sex night and day 24/7. I had to jerk off three times just to be able to stand. I exaggerate, but who cares?
I really miss him.
Breakfast in bed was leftover pizza. Who needs to cook when you can order in every single day? This place doesn't have much of a kitchen
anyway.
This post brought to you by my bored-out-of-my-skull brain. Maybe I'll ride around town today and check out the action.
~
03:23 pm
Gay getaway. I like that.
My new place.
It's a bachelor apartment with a main room that has this really nice huge windows looking out into the city. It's not much of a view, but I
don't really care. I didn't bother with curtains, and right beside the bed there are these sliding doors that open up onto a small balcony.
It's really not much, but I just want a place to sleep and keep my junk in. The main room has a nice big bed with really soft black sheets
and a huge downy comforter that keeps me warm at night. I've never owned one of those so I thought I would get one to see what the fuss was.
I love it. It feels great against my naked skin. I bet Lex would look awesome in this bed.
There's also a sofa and some other furniture. I don't need much. It came furnished, so I wouldn't have to bother buying that crap. There's a
huge walk-in closet that you could practically fit a bed in. I keep most of my stuff in there. There's even a dresser in there. I bet Lex
would love it. I bet he could easily fit all his clothes in with mine. Since I mostly keep my clothes on the floor, he'd have lots of room
for his stuff.
The main room has a small desk in the corner with my laptop (I went back to the farm over the weekend to get it), and this other laptop that
I picked up on sale. It was so cheap. I practically got it for free. I have them both hooked up to the net with a router and some other
hardware. There's even a small TV. All the tables are glass.
Then the bathroom is nice and big with a huge tub and a separate shower stall. There's a small kitchen hidden away, but I don't really use
it for much except to store some beer in the fridge.
The best part is I don't have an alarm clock.
~
11:17 pm
This scar on my chest...
...is disgusting. I hate it. It reminds me of my real father. He marked me for whatever reason, and it's here to stay. I hate it. I have to
wear all my shirts buttoned up. That girl at the bar touched it, and I wanted her gone. I almost broke her arm when she tried to slide her
hand down my shirt.
Nobody touches my chest but Lex.
10:37 pm
It's been a week since I've seen him
I've had so much time to think. I can wake up when I want. I can do whatever I want. I slept in until one today. I never realized how tired
I was until this past week. Jonathan really worked me hard. He can't push me around anymore. I won't be another tool like his combine or
that stupid tractor. If he'd just taken Lex's money, then maybe they wouldn't be in so much trouble.
That doesn't matter any more. They are my past, and it looks like Lex is, too. He's still missing. I wake up every morning thinking I'll
find him in bed beside me. When I realize he isn't there, I turn on the news to see if there are any new developments with the search, but
there's nothing. He's gone. Not even Bruce Wayne's millions can bring him back.
I miss him so much. If it hadn't been for my bastard of a father I could have talked to Lex, but all these "ifs" running around in my head
are driving me insane. I want to crush everything in my path until the pain goes away. If only I'd stayed at the mansion that night. Instead
of listening to that voice in my head, I could have gone back to the mansion that night. Instead of wallowing in my own pathetic fears, I
could have gone to talk to Lex about the room. Maybe if I had, Lex would be here right now with me.
In the news today, Lionel said he'd stop at nothing and will not give up hope that his son will be found alive. He didn't look very hopeful.
There's something he's not telling the media, but that's not a shock. That rat is nothing but a liar.
I ran to both coasts today and screamed at the top of my lungs. I want to find Lex, but I don't know where to start. I screamed until my
throat hurt, but all I got were strange looks from a wino.
Nobody I meet even comes close to the thrill I felt when I was with Lex. I could easily find a new girl or guy. They all look at me, dressed
in my new clothes, and hunger to touch my body, but they are all unworthy. I hate this town. Maybe I'll leave it all behind.
~
03:17 pm
It burns
The city in the daytime is stifling. Today I walked around aimlessly until the scar started to burn. This time it happened right in the
middle of downtown Metropolis in broad daylight. I don't know why I didn't put the ring back on right after I removed it. That me,
the one who lived on the farm and wore the ugly flannel shirts and acted like an idiot every time Lex looked my way? He's dead. I want to
kill him for good. He's nothing but a whiny, complaining, moping, pathetic idiot who didn't know enough to come in from the cold. He let
himself be ordered around by some sanctimonious humans. He hid in that town, behind shy looks and an egoless demeanor. He let the world tell
him how to run his life. He let the Kents control him for way too long. Those days are over.
The real 'me' wants to be free. He wants Lex under him, over him, in him. He wants the world to part in his path. He wants the world to
leave him alone. He wants to stop hiding behind the mask of a shy farm boy who never once bothered to question Jonathan Kent's word.
Kal is the real me. He is who I want to be.
This town is so boring. I want out. I want to be free. The voice in my head stopped after I destroyed the ship. Why am I still in Kansas?
I am going for a ride on my bike.
~
03:24 pm
Why?
Why did he leave me? He said we were forever. He said it was us forever, together. I have the ring on my necklace to prove it. I have his word, but he left me anyway.
~
08:26 pm
My Friday
I woke up really, really, really late and loved every second of it. Then I jerked off because the dream I'd had about Lex was hot, and I was
so hard! Then I took a long, hot bath with bubbles, and then I went out to a coffee shop around the corner. This really cute guy hit on me,
but I had to turn him down since I am taken. He gave me his number just in case.
Then I went out on my bike, but I didn't have anywhere to go so I came back here and watched some more QAF. I ordered in pizza and now I am
totally bored. I need to get out tonight. It's Friday and I looked up a few gay bars around town. I think I'll check some of them out. The
Xcalibur Club's happy hour lasts all day and I have ID now. Domestic long necks are cheap. Why does that sound sleazy?
~
04:07 pm
Man, Batman is wicked cool.
I ran to Gotham last night. I didn't use the front door to get into Wayne manor. I found an alternate entrance to the cave Bruce uses for
his alter ego. Alfred was there when I arrived at the 'bat cave.' I think I scared him a little. Bruce was not happy to see me enter his
little secret hideaway. I didn't really care. I needed to know what he was doing to find Lex. He seemed almost concerned about my own mental
state. I told him I'd be fine. I am fine. I just want Lex found. I have to tell Lex that I don't hate him. I am sure he thinks I do. I am
sure he flogged himself over the secrets he hid for so long. That is so like him, always so concerned he'll corrupt me. As if he could. That
room shouldn't come between us. I hate him for doing it. I hate that he still investigated me even after I told him everything. I've never
told anybody as much as I told him.
I hate him! I hate that he just can't leave things alone. I'm so pissed that he would do that. Why Lex? Why didn't you trust me? Where did
you go in such a hurry? Were you trying to get away from me? Were you afraid I'd come after you and hurt you for lying to me? I bet the
reason he's missing is because of me. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I destroyed the Kents, so why shouldn't Lex's
disappearance be my fault?
I wanted to see how Bruce was doing with his search for Lex. He's as clueless as the rest of them. He has no idea where Lex went or where
Lex is. I thought for sure he'd have some idea, but it seems that even with all his resources he's turning up as empty-handed as Lionel. I
had to go see for myself.
Bruce will probably call the Kents now that he's talked to me. I shouldn't have gone there. He was so useless. I wanted to see what his
reasons for looking for Lex were. I needed to know if it was because he wanted Lex for himself. They had this thing together. I can never
touch what he meant to Lex, but so what? I can be as cool as Bruce. I'm who Lex wants now, and Bruce is busy with his Dick (so easy). When
Lex comes back, I'll strap him down to my bed and make him forget he ever knew Bruce Wayne.
Bruce has a nice place, and Dick has it good. I never realized how naughty his name could be. There are just so many jokes you could make. I
like Dick: that was too easy. I can't stop laughing. I helped myself to Bruce's wallet when it was in his back pocket. He didn't even feel
me move. I just wanted to see if I could do it, and I was right, I could. I think I'm faster now.
After I talked to Bruce, I left his place to check out the Gotham nightlife. It was much more exciting there than here in this boring city.
I should shake things up. Metropolis is so dead compared to Gotham.
I should get a costume and fight some bad guys. Batman was so cool to watch. He even has a sidekick. I had no idea how hot Dick really is.
He looked good in his Robin getup and the mask was so cool. I watched them work for a while, but then it got a little boring so I moved on
to some nice clubs in Gotham.
I wonder what Bruce would say if I did some crime-fighting? I ran home late last night and took my bike out for a cruise. Edge's boys were
out. They are such a bunch of losers. I totally loved the look on their faces when I stopped them from robbing that jewelry store. One of
them shot me in the chest. The look on his face was priceless when he realized that the bullet bounced off me. I wore a ski mask so they
wouldn't know who I was. It was so much fun. I loved the adrenaline rush as I threw them around like they were nothing but rag dolls. So the
place got a little trashed, but nothing was taken and those guys are now sitting in prison where they belong. I totally kicked their asses.
The police should thank me. I should get a superhero name. That would be so cool. Maybe it could be something like Batman's name.
Studman, Darkman ('cause I dress all in black just like Bruce)... I'll come up with something. This is going to be so much fun. I can't wait
to tell Lex that I am going to be a superhero just like in his comic books. Lex would be proud.
~
10:01 pm
Lazy days
I went out to this very popular club last night and sat and drank some beers. I was hit on a lot, but I wasn't into anybody or being with
anybody. It was kind of boring actually, but it was either go out or stay in all night to surf the net or watch yet another report about how
Lex is still missing. It's still the lead story. Every time they call him the country's most eligible bachelor, I want to throw something at
the television.
I left the club at around one and walked around the city. It's so much nicer at night. I love how alive it becomes over the weekend. It's
invigorating. I found a few other clubs and made some new friends, but nothing permanent and I did not let anybody grope me. This guy
tried to touch the ring on my necklace, but I broke his fingers. I didn't mean to. He just pissed me off and I grabbed him a little too
hard. Besides he was trying to rob me, and there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen. I had to leave that club right
after that incident, but I didn't care. There's no way I'm ever going back there.
I didn't get home until much later. I spent some time talking to this really nice hooker. We had a chance to talk about our respective life
choices. She even said she has an LJ. It takes all kinds, I guess. She offered me a freebie but I said no thanks. After that some guy drove
up so she had to get back to work.
I had the most relaxing day today. I woke up extra late, since I'd gone out the night before to a club. Today I spent most of my day out in
the sun on the balcony. It was so nice to just drift off to sleep in the warmth. I did some more reading and a lot of lounging. I love it
here. I am never going back to that town again. This is where I belong and when Lex returns, everything will be perfect.
~
01:46 pm
I need to get past this
The scar burned again this morning. I took the ring off, and then I called home. Mom answered the phone. I shouldn't have called. When I
heard her voice, I started to cry. I couldn't talk. I froze. I couldn't say anything, and when she asked who was there for the third time, I
hung up. I miss her so much, but I can't go back there. I heard Mom's voice and all I could think was how much she'd hate me, and I couldn't
take that. I just couldn't live with her disappointment. It was hard enough hearing it from Dad. His words haunt me every night. He was
right. I didn't think about the consequences.
I hope Bruce doesn't totally hate me. The things I did when I went to see in him Gotham... I picked his pocket! Then those guys I beat up in
the jewelry store. I think I broke one guy's arm.
I went out without the ring on to get coffee and pick up a copy of the Daily Planet. Lex's story is now a small column on the third page.
I'm going to put the ring back on again. At least with the ring, I can pretend none of this is happening. I try not to think about the fact
that Lex might never come back. I try not to think about the fact that he might already be dead.
~
02:46 pm
Spending money makes everything all better
I had such a crappy morning that I decided to get myself some nice new toys. I ordered a few accessories from the net. The site said the
wrist restraints are made of the strongest leather you can buy, and the leather choker I ordered looks awesome. They should arrive in a few
days. I couldn't resist. I can't wait to try the choker on. The restraints aren't for me. I just thought they looked cool and I want to test
how strong this leather is. I wonder: if I break them do you think the company would reimburse me?
I need some cash fast because the money I got from Bruce didn't last long. I know just where to get some. Edge is so obliging, and his men
are so dumb. I'm glad they were released from prison. Now I can kick the crap out of them again.
I better get my ass in gear if I want to catch them in time.
~
10:46 pm
I had such a great time last night
I am going back to the same club tonight. I went out last night after acquiring some much needed funds, and this time the place I picked was
just what I needed. It had everything I wanted. The best part was all the pretty boys. It was like a pretty-boy bomb had gone off, or that I
was in an episode of QAF. All those writhing bodies! I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. I mostly sat and drank beers at the bar and
watched people dance. I love to watch people dance. They're lost in their own worlds when they're up there on the floor. Two guys actually
did it right there on the dance floor. They even managed to slip on a condom.
I went home alone and jerked off a few times, then passed out. There is no amount of beer that could ever make me forget Lex.
In other news, I am very, very, very relaxed right now. Oh and the stuff I ordered arrived today. The choker looks awesome.
~
02:39 pm
I went out again, last night
I had a great time. I watched the dancers again and this one guy danced just for me. His mouth was so pretty, and when he blew a kiss my
way, I almost jumped him right there. He disappeared later on, so it's just as well. I went home alone and fantasized that I saw Lex at the
club, but we were strangers. So sweet! I have never been so happy to have a perfect memory.
It's so hot today. The cool thing is I can walk around in my boxers.
I think I'm going to eat out at a fancy place tonight. I feel like treating myself.
~
08:08 pm
Two weeks
Lex has been missing for two long agonizing weeks. He should never have left. He shouldn't have taken off. He never should have run from me.
Instead, I'm alone. When I look in the mirror and see that necklace around my neck, the ring he gave me just a short time ago is still
there. I haven't lost it yet. The words I said to him as we made love echo in my mind no matter where I go.
At night, I dream he's here with me, under me, fucking me, me fucking him. I want to be buried deep inside him, thrusting into him with
every ounce of passion in me. I want to fuck him so hard the bed breaks like it did once before. I loved it. I want every time to be like
that. I miss his body pressed close to mine. I miss his ass. Fuck, I miss his ass. He has the tightest, most amazing, firm, fuckable ass.
His hips were made just for my hands to grasp as I pound into him.
I want to go to that club and find him there, standing with a cocky expression on his face. He'd eye me from across the dance floor. Then
he'd dance, those hips gyrating just for me. I'd grab him and drag him home. Then he'd become a permanent fixture on my bed. I'd strip him
naked and slip those leather cuffs I bought around his pale wrists, pinning his arms over his head so he couldn't stop me even if he wanted
to.
I have to run. I've got reservations in the most expensive restaurant in town.
~
11:28 am
Now that was an awesome night!
I woke up this morning feeling rejuvenated. The dinner I had at the restaurant was only the beginning of the best night I've had in this
town. I dressed up nice. I wore my nicest black dress-shirt with the choker hidden underneath, and black dress pants with this awesome belt
I picked up for nothing. I looked presentable enough for that posh dive. I still got plenty of what-the-fuck looks, but I ignored them. I
was too busy eyeing the gorgeous waiter that served me dinner. Or course I ordered the most expensive meal on the menu. I wanted to impress
him. He was impressed.
That was the best dinner I have had all week. I should eat out more often. The cute look on James' face when he saw the hundred dollar tip
was just too adorable.
I casually whispered to him where I'd be later on. I was sure he'd follow me, and I was right. Around midnight I spotted him on the dance
floor. He looked different than when he was at work. His beautiful blond hair was down instead of the slicked back look he'd worn at his
job. He was wearing a tight pair of pants that showed off his cute ass, and a tiny shirt that looked like it fit him when he was twelve. His
blue eyes gleamed when he spotted me. I watched him gyrate on the dance floor. Other guys rubbed up against him, but he pushed them away. By
the time he grabbed my hand and asked if we could go somewhere private, I was so hard.
We left on my motorcycle and came back to my place. I barely had the door locked when he got down on his knees like a good little sub and
sucked me off until I came inside his pretty mouth. I yanked him back up to his feet and turned him around so his ass was pressed to my
cock, and then I whispered dirty words into his ear as I jerked him off. He was so hot when he cried out my name as he came all over my
hand. The memory alone is making me hard again.
He's in my bed just a few feet away. He's hot and naked and teasing me to come back to bed. We both need a shower and I really need another
blow job right now.
~
I should have tied him to my bed
I spent all morning in heaven. James stayed long enough to give me another one of his awesome blow jobs while we were in the shower. After
that we lazed around on the bed. For lunch we ordered in pizza, and then he had to go to work. It turns out he's also a photography student.
He wants to bring his camera by some time to take pictures of me. It's safe to say he'll be back.
We didn't talk about much since our mouths were too preoccupied. He's really good at what he does, and he's got such a sweet body, barely
any hair on him, just that gorgeous head of white-blond hair on his head. It was so easy to get lost in him.
I still had to laugh when he asked what I did for a living. I certainly don't farm.
I deleted all the e-mail in my in box without looking at them. There was one there from Martha, but I didn't make it past "Sweetie".
For the rest of the day, I was out cruising around on my bike. I think I'll swing by and pick James up. I feel like dancing.
~
11:03 am
It's over
I should have read my mom's email, but I couldn't. It wasn't even that I had the ring on. I can't do it. I feel so lost. I tried so hard to
stay true to Lex, but every day that goes by and he's not here, it gets harder and harder. I want to believe that he's not dead, but even
with the ring on. I've lost all hope of ever seeing him again.
I called home again. All I could do was cry when I heard Mom's voice. She knew it was me. I hung up when she said my name. I can't go back
there. In time they'll realize what I already know: that they are better off without me.
Last night I went out again with James. I watched him dance and we kissed in a corner. I think I broke that other guy's hand when he tried
to touch James.
I went home by myself this time because he had an early morning. He reminds me of Lex. The scar on my chest didn't bother him at all. I know
that if Lex were here, he'd react the same way.
I shouldn't have let James touch me, but I couldn't help it. Even when I wear the ring there is a part of me that feels so alone. Part of me
feels like I deserve to be alone, but I don't want to be alone.
~
03:05 pm
I never have to be alone
Not with my new friend. He sucked me off in a dark corner of the club last night and it was awesome. The rush I felt from being out in the
open, knowing that anybody could see us... I have to do that again. I know James is up for it. I'm taking him to a different club tonight.
We are going to have fun. That's what it's all about now.
~
11:02 pm
I was having the best time last night
I went out last night since it was Friday, the most fun night of the week. I met James at the club I'd told him about. He wasn't that
impressed mostly because it was not exactly receptive to our type, but I didn't give a shit. They can fuck themselves if they think I am
going to hide who I am. I am a homo fag, and I love guys, and I fuck men! I didn't even have to punch anybody's lights out. They got the
message as soon as I told them to fuck off when I overheard somebody make a comment about how there are places for people like us.
James and I enjoyed a nice night of dancing and making out. I mostly watched while he danced, shaking his hot ass. He is so sweet, as in I
want to eat him up. His lips are succulent. Unfortunately he needed to be someplace early this morning so I had to go home alone. I was not
thrilled with what I found when I got back to my place. An old friend from my boring past was there. I told her to get lost. I don't want to
see anybody from my past. They are my past and I want nothing to do with them.
Besides, she couldn't stand the sight of me just a few weeks ago and now here she is following me around. I was so annoyed by her intrusion
that I called James, but he wasn't answering his cell phone, so I went back to the club to see if he was around. I didn't find him, but I
stayed anyway and drank until they closed the bar. Then I went home and passed out.
I've been in bed all day. I didn't feel like getting up. Seeing Chloe really pissed me off. She better not tell anybody where I am. I can
run so far away nobody would ever find me. I will.
I don't feel like going out tonight. I didn't make any plans with James, so I'm staying in and playing video games all night, or maybe I'll
watch some porn and jerk off.
James just called. He's coming over and he's going to bring his camera. I told him I wasn't even dressed yet, which was fine by him since
he'd be undressed five seconds after he arrived. I need company tonight. I feel like having fun, but not alone. That kind of fun gets
tedious after a while.
~
01:33 pm
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
James drifted off beside me, a very satisfied boy, but all I could think about was how much I miss Lex. I want him to be here with me. James
is nice and he was great last night, but I don't love him. After he arrived and he stripped, I fucked him from behind. I imagined that it
was a bald head in front of me. I imaged that Lex was begging me to pound into him harder. The sex was fine. James was so tight. He said he
hasn't had many lovers, and none of them were as huge as me. I'm sure he was just trying to flatter me so he'd get laid. I told him he
didn't have to say things like that. I'd fuck him if he told me I had the smallest cock he'd ever seen, but honestly, I probably am the
biggest he's ever had. He was really tight and so nice.
After we had sex, we sort of talked. I really wasn't in the mood, so I just told him that I'm an alien from outer space and my space ship
landed in Kansas. It's the truth but he laughed and told me to stop kidding around, so I shut him up with my mouth. It's funny how much
things have changed. I used to be so afraid of so many things. I used to hide. When I remember how shy I was when I first realized how I
really felt about Lex, it makes me cringe, but I guess I was naive back then. My parents sheltered me from the real world, especially Dad.
He really doesn't want to share me with the rest of humanity. I always thought it was because he was protecting me, but if it wasn't for
him, I wouldn't have lied to Lex for so long. Sometimes I hate Jonathan Kent just as much as I hate Jor-El. They both failed me.
But that's all over now, and as long as Chloe keeps her big mouth shut, I'll be fine. I've already decided where I'll go if she tells
somebody where I am. I'm going to head to Gotham first. Not that I have any friends there, but it's a town I know, so I can spend some time
there until I feel like moving on.
I feel crappy this morning. I didn't think I'd feel this way. James is still asleep. He looks so gorgeous spread out on my bed, pale skin
like milk. He's a lot like Lex now that I think of it. They have the same skin tone and even the same cocky attitude. That's probably why I
was attracted to him. He looks incredibly hot naked. His hips are covered in bruises. I probably shouldn't have held on so tight when I
pounded into him. He must be having a nice dream because his cock is hard.
Maybe in time, I could love James, but I don't think it will ever be close to how I loved Lex.
~
09:24 pm
Empty
I spent the rest of the weekend someplace I wanted to be; his place. It's empty. I wear his ring on my finger.
~
11:28 pm
Screw you!
Screw you, Lex, for leaving. Screw you for abandoning me when we hadn't even had a chance to talk about your obsession. Screw you for still
keeping the car even after I told you all my secrets. Screw you for collecting me when I gave you all of me. I gave you everything! I told
you my deepest darkest secrets. So I never told you my real father wants me to rule the world, so I never told you those caves are all about
me and I can read the language on the walls. Big deal! It doesn't mean you had to leave me.
I went to your home -- the other home in the city, hoping what, I don't know. I was hoping you were there. Part of me was convinced you were
just hiding out from your father, or maybe the world and its expectations of you. My heart hurt to sit in that room, to look at your things,
to remember when you promised to one day take me to Italy. My heart aches to just hold you one more time. Just once so I can smack you in
the head and tell you to never leave me ever again, because if you are still out there, I am never going to let you out of my sight.
I wanted to smash everything in that place. I wanted to tear all your nice, clean, perfectly-pressed suits to shreds. Instead I sat in your
closet alone, my world shattered around me.
Screw you, Lex.
Now I wear your ring on my finger, just like you asked me to. I wear it because no matter what happens, I still love you and only you.
~
12:27 pm
Why did I go over there?
It only hurt to see all his things and know that maybe they'll never be used by him again. After a very bruised and quiet James left my
place over the weekend, I wandered aimlessly, in my mind and in my place. I didn't know what to do with myself. I feel so lost half the
time, even when I wear the ring.
Now I have the other ring on -- the ring that Lex gave to me before everything went insane. There are so many things I wish I'd done
differently, but there's no point pondering what might have been. It drives me insane.
I pulled the ring off today, because it hurt again. I hate this scar on my chest. It just a horrible reminder of what my biological father
wants from me. I hate him.
I stayed in Lex's penthouse for as long as I could stand it. I spent most of my time in the closet because I wanted to be close to his
things, to him. I thought maybe I could feel him somehow, but they were only things. The shirts, pants, shoes, furniture are just objects
that carried nothing of him, except an echo of what he likes. There was no scent of him. I slept in his bed and felt emptier than I have
ever felt in my life. I held his pillow close to my cheek, but there was nothing there, all just things that mean nothing. I wanted to smash
everything. I left feeling so much hatred.
I need to put the ring back on. I hate this feeling of emptiness.
Fuck emptiness. I'm going out tonight and kicking some ass. There's somebody out there who really needs my boot in his face and I am going
to oblige him.
Edge totally pissed me off with his stupid search for me. I can't believe he actually thinks he's going to find me, let alone catch me. I
hear he wants to hire me. Fuck him! I work for nobody but my own sweet ass.
I am going out tonight and I am going to make sure this town remembers me.
~
12:16 pm
Last night took my mind off things
I got all dressed up really nice: black on black, because I am in mourning. I wore my necklace, a black shirt that I found for free, black
pants that cost more than the farm, and kick-ass shoes that were really hard to find because I have huge feet. When I say huge, I mean very,
very big feet. We all know what that means. In my case, it's true.
On my way to the club, I ran into some of Edge's boys. They tried to tell me that their boss wants to meet me, but I told them where to go.
After I finished giving them a careful warning never to come near my neighborhood again, I went to the club. Not much was happening there,
but I did meet this nice girl. We sat and talked and flirted and I bought her a few drinks. She wasn't a bad kisser, but I wasn't really
into her, so I left to go pick up James. He had to work late last night and couldn't go out. I was hoping to watch him dance, because he is
so good. He said he's going to teach me all the right moves. I don't really need the lessons, but who cares when he's rubbing up against me.
He just left a few minutes ago. We had a great time and he is an awesome kisser. I could stay in bed all day just kissing him. Of course I
would still have to touch because he has the nicest body. I can't keep my hands off him. He's so sexy. He licked me all over and it felt so
damn good, especially when he sucked my cock. With his hands on my hips, holding me down, I could close my eyes and imagine it was somebody
else's mouth down there, expertly licking and sucking and teasing. I slipped up and cried out Lex's name when I came, but James didn't seem
to mind.
Now I'm going to relax. I need a break.
~
02:07 pm
Dear Bank of Metropolis
Thank you so much for that big bag of cash. I know we didn't part on great terms, but I promise to spend the money wisely. I promise to buy
a lot of nice things, like a new bike, since I drove that other one into your glass window. That was really neat how the glass shattered
into a trillion pieces when I stopped in for a visit.
I also promise that guys like Edge's gang will never bother you again. No wonder most people are afraid of clowns. They are kind of scary.
Okay, maybe they aren't that scary. They looked silly to me.
I do have to tell you: you could have done a better job of keeping all those bullets away from me. It's a good thing I'm bulletproof,
because otherwise I'd be all kinds of Swiss cheese, sort of like my leather jacket (see that's another nice thing I can buy with all that
lovely cash you gave me) and my t-shirt, and I guess I'll have to buy some new jeans. It's not like I can't afford them. How cool was it
that I caught so many bullets with my hand? How cool was it that the ones I didn't catch bounced off me?
Good thing the cops showed up to arrest those clowns who tried to rob you. That was so generous of them. When I blew up their car and they
all dove for cover, that was even more generous. How cool was it that they weren't looking when I disappeared, and how cool is it that I now
have all this money to count? I was so bored this morning. Thank you so much for easing my boredom. That was so kind of you. Now I can take
my boyfriend out in style.
I'm sending a thousand-dollar suit over to his place as we speak.
So in case you didn't think I appreciated this generous donation you made to my well-hung man fund, just know that I am very grateful.
Yours truly,
Kal
~
10:01 pm
Fuck you world
I guess forever doesn't last as long as I thought. So what if I smashed everything I own. I can buy new things tomorrow.
~
02:29 pm
I'm front page news
It's not like you can see my face or anything, but there I am on the front page of the Daily Planet. 'Masked Man Robs Bank.' I vanished with
nothing but a ski mask left behind. No shit, officers. It says I did thousands of dollars in damage. Well, those other guys were there first
and they did some of that damage, and it's not my fault bullets bounce off me. Okay, maybe it is, but I never asked to be born bullet-proof.
I decided not to replace all the shit I broke last night. I cleaned up the mess I made and went shopping this morning. I got a new laptop,
some other equipment and a nice new leather jacket. The sales lady was very helpful and a total flirt. I pretended I was clueless. That was
so much fun. I love watching girls try to flirt with me. When they get no reaction from me, they get this look in their eyes, sort of like
they have heat vision. It's so funny.
Then I had lunch at this really nice little place. I tipped the waiter a hundred bucks. I might as well spread my good fortune around.
I called James to make sure he got the suit I sent. He was excited that we're going somewhere nice to eat. I told him to meet me at my place
and we'll go from there. He actually told me that he misses me. I asked how his ass was doing and he said it could use a workout. I guess I
know what I'm doing tonight.
~
09:05 pm
Getting ready to party
James just arrived and he looks awesome in the 'suit' I sent over. I have to confess. It wasn't actually a suit. It was a pair of black
patent leather bondage pants and a collar. I found this great store called Slash 'n Burn. They sell the coolest stuff.
He's too shy to wear just the pants and collar so he wore a small black mesh t-shirt that shows off his tight abs. We're going out tonight
to have some fun. There's this nice club and they're having a fetish night. James said it's a lot of fun, and he thinks I'll fit in
perfectly. I'll be in my black matte vinyl pants and a black vinyl cop shirt. I'm also wearing the wrist cuffs and the collar and James is
going to wear a leash. He looks good enough to eat.
I hope this scene isn't too much for me. I can't wait.
~
08:33 pm
What a night
James and I ended up going out really late last night because we kind of got distracted. I had a lot of fun, but most of the fun I had was
off in a corner in the dark with my date. We had sex in the club. I couldn't wait for us to get back to my place. James was very
accommodating, turning his back to me and begging me to take him right there in the dark. We both lost ourselves in the moment and the
music.
After some drinks and more fun, we came back to my place and passed out in my bed. James just left. It would have been a perfect weekend
except he had to work tonight. Just before he left, he told me that he loves me. We've only known each other for a few weeks. I don't think
he was too happy about the way I reacted. He looked totally pissed off when he left.
Oh, well. I have a nice night of nothing but relaxation ahead of me.
I had to remove my ring earlier. That hurt a lot and it's totally starting to piss me off how much it hurts. I just put it right back on
after the pain subsided.
Now it's time to order in.
~
01:54 pm
It's that day.
The day when we celebrate Dad. Too bad I don't have one to look up to. My biological father wants me to take over the world, and my adopted
father, Jonathan, tells me I'm a screw-up: just the father figures I wanted. But you know all about fathers that suck. Look at Lionel. He's
just a peach. I think he's given up looking for you.
I don't really have much else to say, except that this was the last secret I kept from you. I was sent to earth to take over mankind,
because you humans are a flawed race.
~
09:21 pm
I did nothing today.
This is what Sundays are made for -- I did nothing. I slept until two, and then I took a shower and went down the street to this nice little
coffee shop for a few hours. I came home and went back to bed because I had nothing to do. I think James won't be calling me any time soon.
That's cool. I'm not in the mood. I feel so lazy today. For about two seconds I actually thought I might give dear old Dad a call, but then
I remembered that we're not speaking. What a shame. (Said with heavy sarcasm)
The rest of my day was perfect. I ordered in and played some games.
James just called. He wanted to know if I was going out tonight. I told him I wasn't, so he's coming over right now. Somebody wants some of
me in a bad way. I don't blame him. After that thing I did with my tongue, I knew he'd be back.
~
10:28 am
That was a boring night
James didn't show and he didn't call. I decided to go out late last night. I found a nice little ice cream shop. Expensive chocolate ice
cream is so amazing. After that I walked around for a while. I thought about going over to see what was up with James, but I figured
something must have come up. Whatever.
I ended up in this little bar. It's so cool how I can still go out and do something here, even really late at night. Back home in the sticks
everything closed by nine and there was nothing to do. I never realized how boring that place really was until I came to live in the city.
The more I stay here, the more I like this town.
I ended up drinking thirty beers. On my way home I ran into that nice hooker I met awhile back. She looked tired, so I got her a coffee and
we talked for a half hour. She offered to suck me off for free but I told her I'd pay. I gave her extra just because she was so nice.
Nothing much else happened.
I went home and crashed after that. Now I wish I'd woken up with a hangover, but unfortunately there was nothing except bad breath. I feel
nothing this morning. I need some action.
~
10:31 am
This is my world
Those guys really need to learn when to stay down. I went out last night to my favorite non-gay hangout. I just wanted to drink a few beers
and watch some dancing. I even did a little dancing myself. I love getting lost in the beat of the music. I can close my eyes and imagine
he's there with me, watching me dance. He'd lick his beautiful scarred lip and eye me hungrily. I opened my eyes and, for a moment, I
thought for sure that when I looked around, he'd be there in the crowd, his eyes fixed on my swaying body. He'd come up behind me and put
his hands on my hips, our bodies pressed close, and whisper 'Angel' in my ear.
But it didn't work out that way. When I opened my eyes to look around, he wasn't there. All I saw were strangers.
Half way through my nice, relaxing night, this guy came up to me and asked me to go with him. I told him I don't talk to strangers. The look
on his face was priceless. Then he told me that Edge wanted to talk to me. Since I hadn't heard from him in a while, I thought he'd given
up, but I guess not.
I didn't go with the guy. I told him to tell his boss to go fuck himself. I would have loved to have seen the look on Edge's face when his
stooge delivered that message.
Other than that one glitch, nothing else happened. I relaxed and had a few beers. Nobody bothered me.
~
11:11 am
This is my real world
Fuck! I miss Lex so much. I miss the smell of his skin right after we've had sex. I miss the taste of his mouth on my tongue. I miss his
strong hands on my hips. I want him to hold me down and suck my cock until I come so hard that I grab the headboard and crack it in half.
I dream that I am helpless under his touch. I dream that he is in me and I shout his name as he thrusts into me, biting my neck. I dream
that his arms are around me, holding me up. I dream that he whispers 'I love you' as he grips my cock in his hand, stroking me until I come.
Last night I jerked off and cried out his name.
I miss him so much. Nobody has ever loved me the way he did. I know now that nobody ever will. He knew my secret and he still loved me. I
would give anything to hear him call me Angel.
~
10:45 am
I totally called it
James came over last night. I was lounging around in my underwear. I still had to do laundry when there was a knock on my door. It was him.
He looked tired. He'd been working long shifts for the last few days. He apologized for not coming over and not calling. He's so sweet. He
made it up to me.
First we had some fun, and then we went out for ice cream. I have to say, I loved all the attention we got when I ate it straight out of his
luscious mouth. People are such idiots. They acted like they've never seen two guys lock lips. We went back to my place and dressed up to go
out to a club. He looked awesome in my collar and the wrist cuffs.
It was the perfect night to go out dancing, because the hottest gay club in town was having their 'Pride Party' night. We danced all night,
and I bought James enough beers to get him so drunk he could barely stand by the time we left. By the time we got back to my place, he was
sober enough for an all night fuck-a-thon. I wore him out. He's still passed out in my bed naked, hard as a rock. He must be dreaming about
me.
~
11:19 am
I don't know how much longer I can take this
I just threw James out. My chest started to burn just as I kissed him awake. I don't want him to see my freakishness. He doesn't mind the
scar, but I'd never be able to explain what's happening or why. I did the only thing I could do: I threw him out, and told him not to come
back. I took the ring off and as soon as I was out from under the grip of the red Kryptonite, the pain stopped.
I've destroyed everything in my life. There's no going back. Not to Smallville, not to my family, not to my friends, and especially not to
Lex. Even if he were alive, he'd never take me back now. I cheated on Lex with James, and I know I'll ruin James' life. I can't believe he
came back to me. Why did he do that? I treat him so badly. I hate myself so much.
I have to stop this, but I can't.
~
04:52 pm
This world sucks.
Fucking cocksucker! Who the fuck does he think he is? Edge is five seconds away from me killing his sorry ass. He just waltzed right into my
place, while I was trying to take a nap, and shot it up. His stupid goons tried to kill me. Lucky thing I'm invulnerable. The other stuff
can be replaced. I refuse to work for that crazy old man.
Dirty old man too, judging from the way he checked me out. Pervert!
After I finished kicking the crap out of his goons, I told him to fuck off. I don't play well with others, and his hired help pissed me off.
They did make a nice sound when I threw them across the room.
This is way too easy. He even gave me his private number.
You should be here. Why aren't you here? Fuck you for running away. Fuck you for taking off on me like that. If you'd just given me one
chance... I could have explained about the ship and my fucking father who wants me to take over the world. I could have told you that I
don't care about the room. I already had everything I wanted.
Screw you, Lex. I still love you even if you're dead.
~
09:19 am
Relaxing night
James returned late last night. He was worried about me. I had kicked him out yesterday because something suddenly came up, but he was so
concerned that he returned. I admit that I probably shouldn't have freaked on him like that, but everything is cool now. He's fine, we're
fine. He stayed the night. We relaxed and watched some TV. He's a really good kisser. I like his mouth. I have this thing for mouths...
I especially like really talented mouths. I thought he looked so cute all concerned for me.
He told me he loves me again. I didn't say anything. I just kissed him and told him to go to sleep. I feel so refreshed this morning. I just
took a shower. James had to go home to change for work. Maybe I'll go out for a ride on my bike today. I feel like traveling.
~
12:05 pm
No!
He's giving up. Lionel is giving up.
The search for you has been called off, and he has announced a memorial service for Monday. All my abilities and I couldn't help you. All my
strength and it's for nothing. I had so much to say to you, but now it's too late.
I watched Lionel for awhile. He looked tired. I listened in to his conversations. Did I tell you I can hear conversations from far away? He
misses you. He fired two people while I watched him. He said they were incompetent. He's so angry. He even got a call from Edge. It sounds
like Lionel and Edge know each other. I'm not surprised that your dad knows the biggest crime boss in the city. I bet they've had dealings.
After I got bored of listening to Lionel talk, I went down to the garage. There wasn't anybody there. Maybe he fired security. I was so
angry that I smashed Lionel's car to smithereens, but it didn't make me feel any better. I should have smashed his head in. I'm going to get
back at him somehow. I swear if I do anything, it will be to get revenge on that man. I hate him. He's caused nothing but grief for you and
my family. He wants me. Because of his interest in the caves and the way he talked to me the last time I saw him, I can tell: he wants me.
I wonder how much he knows about me. I had better watch him closely. He could be a real danger.
~
02:12 pm
I ran into an old friend
Last night I went out with the intent to drown myself in booze. James was working and couldn't come out, but I ran into somebody I know.
He's in my bed right now, still passed out from all the drinking he did. He's fucked up big time over what's happened to his brother. I was
a little surprised to see that he actually cared enough to make it to town for the memorial service. He's staying until Monday night, and
then hitting the road. I'm letting him crash with me for today.
Last night he really tied one on. We sat and talked about his brother. That was all he talked about. When he was really smashed, he told me
that he really misses his brother.
He was impressed that I had the balls to leave my perfect home. Sometimes things look perfect, but they really aren't. He should know that
better than anybody, not that his family looks perfect even from the outside.
This morning was interesting. He woke up in my arms. It was truly funny to watch him freak and yell that he's not a fag like his brother. As
if I'd be turned on by him! Just the thought makes me want to push him out the window, but I'll restrain myself because he's Lex's brother
and he's really upset. At least he was when he was drunk. You can find out the most interesting things about people when they're drunk.
~
12:23 pm
I am not who you thought I was
I wish you were here. I miss you so much. I took my school ring off because the scar burned. I feel so lost. I feel so alone. I called home
and mom answered, but I couldn't say anything. My throat closed up. I feel like there's no way I will ever be able to go back to them or
anybody else. I went down a path that closed behind me with each step I took.
Bruce probably hates me. I want to call him to tell him how sorry I am for how I treated him when I went to see him, but I can't. I can keep
blaming it on the ring, but I choose to put it back on each time. I do this because there's nothing left for me. I can't be that person Jor-El
wants me to be. I can't take over the world. I won't do it. I can't be the person my parents want me to be, and I know now that I will never
be the person for you. I say person, but I'm not really a person. I'm from Krypton. That's my home world and I was never human.
I'm so sorry, Lex. I wish things had been different. Now all I have left of you are the memories and the ring you gave me.
I'll be at the memorial. I'll say good bye to you and then I can move on. Maybe there will be peace, but I doubt it. I don't think I will
ever be at peace as long as I live.
I failed you, and I'm not who you thought I was. I'm a monster.
~
07:53 pm
He said he was straight, and then, he kissed me.
Maybe it's the grief talking, or whatever.
I went out last night with James. I bought him a really nice expensive watch that I got for a steal. It has a thick leather band. It caught
my eye because it kind of looked like a wrist restraint. He was very appreciative of the gift. I wanted him to know that he means something
to me. He knows I love somebody else. He doesn't mind.
We were having a really great time, kissing in a corner of the club, until Lucas showed up. He spoiled my fun. James looked unimpressed so
he went off to dance and get drinks, and Lucas stuck around. I was a little annoyed, but what could I do? It's not like I could tell him to
go away. I wasn't really in the mood for conversation. I just wanted to have some fun. I was surprised to see him at a gay club. He said he
followed me. I should have been paying closer attention -- I didn't even notice. I've already been followed around so many times since I got
to the city; I stopped paying attention a while ago. He was just another face in the crowd.
He told me he knows about my real relationship with his brother. It's not like I hide my sexual preference. I don't have to here. Back home,
I could never be the real me. Here, nobody tells me what to do. I can be myself. I can be my own man. I don't have to answer to anybody.
Then he pressed up against me and kissed me. His breath tasted of alcohol. He was just a little bit drunk. I pushed him off of me, and
reminded him that he was the one who said he wasn't a fag. It's not like I can blame him. He actually said that he wants everything his
brother had. I told him his brother didn't own me. Then he stormed off like a big drama queen when I told him to fuck off. He was so drunk,
I am pretty sure that today, he woke up with a massive hangover and a lot of regret.
I ended up going home with James, and I have no idea where Lucas went. I did look for him. James was really angry. He's so cute when he's
mad. He saw Lucas kiss me. I tried to tell him it didn't mean anything. It worked in my favor, because we had a hot time last night. He was
really jealous. It was fun. I got the most amazing blow job and then I fucked him until he was too tired to do anything else.
~
01:26 pm
Gone but not forgotten
I just got back from the memorial service, which was pretty moving in spite of everything.
Everybody was there. Chloe and Lana were there with my parents. Mr. Big didn't look very pleased to see his other son when Lucas showed up.
He told Lucas not to make a scene, and then he walked away without listening to what Lucas had to say. Lucas said a few heartfelt words. At
least I know for a fact Lucas meant everything he said. I should track him down and see how much longer he's planning on staying in town.
Maybe he'll move to Smallville and take over the mansion. He did say something about wanting everything Lex had.
Martha saw me at the service. After that, there was no reason to stay any longer, so I left. It was so weird. When I was there, I could have
sworn somebody was watching me. It was probably Lucas. He seems to have developed a knack for sneaking up on me.
~
09:57 pm
I feel so numb inside.
I went out to a bar and drank so much alcohol it would have killed a normal person, but it didn't help. He's gone and now I don't care. I'll
tear down anything and anyone who gets in my path. I will not stop or hesitate or give mercy. Why should I?
I finally reached a point where I could actually get drunk. It took 500 dollars and almost the whole bar, but I'm there. I crushed two cars
on the way home. I want to crush more. I want to destroy everything.
Fuck you world. Fuck you all. Fuck you, Jor-El, for sending me to this place, fuck you, Lionel, for treating your son like he's not worthy,
and fuck you, Lex, for going away and leaving me alone. Fuck you!
~
12:25 pm
I feel like tearing down the world
Wow that was a lot of alcohol. I think I actually had a headache for about two minutes this morning. I even forgot a few hours of last
night. I'm not sure what I did during those hours.
I went out last night to a bar to get drunk, and when they refused to serve me because I was too drunk, I stopped off at a liquor store on
the way home and picked up a few bottles. I think I drank them one after the other. I don't totally remember since I blanked on what I did
after the first bottle of Southern Comfort.
I do remember a few things. I watched the news for a while. His memorial service was the top story of the evening, so I taped it and watched
it over and over. Then James showed up. He'd just gotten off work. I didn't really want to talk to anybody last night, but I let him in
anyway. I figured he'd get bored and leave. Instead he cleaned up all the empty bottles and stuck around. He knows about Lex now.
We must have fucked because I woke up this morning naked in bed with James beside me, smelling of sex. I think it was good. I don't really
remember that well, but he's got some nice pretty purple bruises to show for it, and he was stiff in the shower this morning, but I kissed
it all better.
He's gone now. He had an early shift at work. Then later he has classes. I think he's taking some photography course or something.
~
05:31 pm
Lex
To Lex:
I never wanted James to find out about you and what you meant to me, but I suppose it was inevitable.
I didn't go into too much detail. I told him that you meant a lot to me. I couldn't express what you really meant to me. There just aren't
the words, plus I was so drunk, I'm surprised he understood me at all.
At first he was skeptical, but I showed him that picture of us. It was the one from a year ago, the one where you're smiling and I'm
laughing. We were in bed together and you took it with the timer on your camera. I keep it in my wallet. After that, I couldn't talk to him
anymore. I had one bottle left, so I drank it. James tried to stop me, but I held him off. I finished the bottle and then I kissed him. Then
one thing led to another.
I want to go out and get more, but I know it's not going to help. I know the pain will still be there once I've sobered up and that is
happening faster and faster.
I wish I could move on. I probably should. I feel like something inside me will break, and I don't know that I can promise it won't be
painful for everybody.
Love forever,
Clark
~
12:15 pm
Stay
I didn't want to be bothered today. Unfortunately, on my way back from running some errands, Lucas called, and when I arrived at my place,
someone from my past was waiting for me. She had the fucking nerve, after I told her to never come back, to stop in and try to guilt trip me
into going home. That place is not my home anymore. This is my home.
At least she hasn't told anybody where I am, or so she says. I told her to get lost and never come back. I want nothing to do with anybody
from my past. Nothing! There's nothing left for me there. He's gone.
Lucas is here now. He's taking a shower. We're going to hang out and maybe do some partying later. He's not bad-looking naked. He must work
out. His bold attitude is definitely a turn-on.
~
07:19 pm
I had the most amazing time today
After cleaning up and a long conversation that involved towels and water, Lucas and I went out for a ride in his Porsche. We went shopping
for something new, because we are going out to a club tonight. We've decided to celebrate. Not anything in particular -- we're just going to
make it up as we go along. Right now, he's in my bed, playing some video games. He was going to leave yesterday, but decided to look me up.
I'm glad he did. We talked about his brother a lot. He wanted to know everything about his older sibling. I didn't go into any gory details
(as he said), but I had a lot of stories to tell. He insisted yet again that he is 'for sure not at all that way', and then proceeded
to tell me all about his boring hetero life. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep during that part of the conversation.
Now we're relaxing before we get ready for the club, and then we are going to get out there and cause havoc. I've ordered in pizza, and
after that, I plan to slip into my tightest pair of vinyl pants and wrap myself in my new shirt. I've even convinced Lucas to wear the
collar for the night. He looks fucking hot in it, but not as hot as me.
~
11:09 am
Last night went well
So, Lucas and I ran away to Canada to get married.
Just kidding! We went out last night and there were no vows, except the one we made about causing havoc. We managed that one pretty well.
We dressed appropriately for where we were going. We even managed to hit four bars and two clubs before we were thrown out of the last one.
We didn't start that fight. I didn't anyway. That was Lucas. He didn't like it when that guy tried to cheat him out of the money they'd bet
on the pool game they were playing. I mostly sat back and laughed at how ineffective and lame his moves were against Lucas. I was really
impressed at Lucas' moves.
Unfortunately no matter how much I drank, I barely got more than a buzz. Lucas, however, was pretty drunk by the time we went home. He's a
total blast when he's drunk.
I got to drive his nice car. We're planning to sneak into my old town and steal his brother's red car, the one I love so much. I want that
car. It's mine. He told me it's mine, so I'm going to take it. Lucas is going to visit his old man and ask him for it. If he says no, then
I'm going to take it.
I dragged him back up to my place, stripped him naked (just because I want to see the look on his face when he wakes up naked in my bed) and
tossed him into bed. Just before he passed out, he asked me if I'd fuck him, then he told me that I'm really pretty. I swear I tried really
hard not to laugh in his face. I told him he was way too drunk, but he was already passed out by the time I got half my sentence out. I
should have tossed him out in the hall for calling me pretty.
He's still asleep. I think I'll be nice and let him sleep it off. Maybe for a joke, I'll tell him we made out all night and he sucked me
off, and then laugh as he insists he isn't gay. Or maybe I'll just watch some porn.
~
12:26 pm
Fuck this!
I just jerked off with Lucas asleep in my bed. I couldn't help it. I sat down on the sofa and closed my eyes and started to think about Lex.
I was remembering the last time we were together. That time was so incredible. Then I went back and read some of my old posts about him,
about us together. I had to jerk off. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was Lex in my bed, watching me. Lex would watch me with a smirk
on his face as I jerked off just for him. He'd encourage me to stroke my cock faster and scream my pleasure. Then I'd look over at him and
he'd know what I want just by the look in my eyes. He'd stand and saunter over to me, his own long rock-hard cock bouncing as he swiveled
his beautiful hips. Then he'd stroke my hair and call me Angel as I came. I cried out his name when I did come. Lucas didn't even wake up.
I want Lex back. Fuck I miss him so much. I want this scar gone. I want the ring to stop burning me.
When I went to the bathroom to clean up, it started to burn again. I took the ring off then put it right back on a soon as the pain stopped.
11:33 am
I was too lazy to go back to that town
I did absolutely nothing yesterday. After Lucas woke up (he wasn't even fazed that I had stripped him naked) and showered, we played video
games for a while, and then ordered in pizza and Chinese food. We couldn't decide what we wanted so we ordered both. It was so hilarious how
every once in a while he'd turn to me and say something like 'so you and Lex did...' and make obscene hand gestures. I offered to supply
details, but he declined. Eventually I told him 'yes, Lex and I fucked a lot, and he was awesome in bed. He is a well-hung stud and I loved
his cock.'
Man, I miss his cock.
After that, Lucas stopped asking. We played games for hours. He's staying with me for a few more days then he's heading back home. He just
left, but he's coming back later so we can go out tonight. We both feel like blowing off more steam before he leaves town. I really
misjudged him. Lucas is cool. He totally hates his father, and I can get behind that. He's nothing like his brother. For one thing, he has
all that hair, and then there's the fact that he's way too blunt.
Now I am going to bathe in the sun, naked. The balcony is calling my name. I picked up a very comfortable lawn chair. It takes up the whole
balcony, but I don't care. I want to lie in the sun all day. My ass is too white.
~
04:09 am
I swear I'm seeing ghosts
I went out to the club tonight. I was supposed to meet up with Lucas, but he never showed. That's cool. He probably got distracted by
something or someone else. I didn't really care. I met up with James, who looked so hot. We stayed out for a while, dancing and drinking and
making out.
While I was there, I swear I saw somebody in the crowd who looked just like him. I looked away and then he was gone. It must have
been my imagination, but for just one second I thought for sure it was him and my heart leaped in my chest. It was probably just my mind
playing tricks on me. I want him to be alive so badly that I imagine him here in the city.
James had to get up for an early shift tomorrow, so I walked him back to his place then came home alone. I sat out on the balcony for awhile
watching the stars. They're so far away. Everything is so far away. I feel like I'll never be able to touch any of it again.
~
11:52 pm
Today
I spent most of today doing some shopping. Then I drove around for awhile just because I wanted to feel the wind in my hair. I came home
later on and ate dinner. James is here now. He stopped in after working a double shift. We fooled around for awhile. Now he's playing some
video games.
Lucas never called me back or showed up again. He's probably left town by now, or possibly in some kind of danger that he's hoping I'll save
him from. Whatever, it was fun while it lasted.
We might go out later. It depends on whether we're in the mood. James said he wants to stay in, and I'm not totally against that idea. He
looks so comfortable naked in my bed. Why bother covering up all that nice skin when I can admire it in private?
~
01:32 pm
There goes that loving feeling
Lex
I can't stop thinking about you. You haunt my dreams, and, in some cases, my life. I had a nightmare last night that you came back and told
me I wasn't good enough for you anymore. In the dream you told me that a thing like me should not be allowed to live, that I should have
stayed true to us, and because I hadn't, I would suffer for the rest of my life. Then you crumbled to dust but you didn't stop talking. You
became a voice in my head, taunting me.
Then I woke up. After that, I couldn't get back to sleep.
The city stinks. I can smell it all around me. Right now, I hate this place. I want to leave for good, and never look back. There's nothing
for me here anyway.
I wish James would just disappear. He's really starting to piss me off with his concern. The other night when he came over, I wasn't really
in the mood, but I let him blow me anyway. After I came, I just wanted him to leave but, for some reason, I couldn't even be bothered to
tell him to get out. I just lay there thinking about you. When he asked if I was okay, I told him everything was fine. I should have just
thrown him out.
When I'm with him, I close my eyes and think about you. He's nowhere near as good as you in bed. With him, I don't feel anything.
~
01:31 pm
Whatever
Yesterday was another wonderful day of leisure. I loved doing nothing all day. I am so happy I don't have to bust my ass for that idiot
farm. It's not like I ever strained myself when I was working there, but I was never appreciated by Jonathan. He treated me like a alien
jack, or whatever equipment he happened to need that day. He never once asked me how I felt about doing all that work. He just assumed. I
don't miss that one bit.
I had to take the ring off again last night. When I was out on the balcony watching the fireworks, the scar started to burn. It's annoying,
but I'm getting used to it. I just took the ring off and waited for the pain to stop, then I put it back on. I felt much better afterwards.
I forgot to eat for the last three days. I'm not even hungry. This is totally creepy. Is this another one of those freak things about me?
~
11:21 pm
The past haunts me
I went out last night to a club I've only been to a few times. I was mostly bored. Then I saw him. I saw his ghost again. I looked across
the crowded room and there he was, but when I went after him, he was gone. For a second I thought for sure it was him. But there's no way
he'd be dressed that way or be there in that place. It couldn't have been him. I wish it had been him. My eyes must have been playing tricks
on me.
I'm really starting to like this place. It's mine. I don't have to answer to anybody. I can come and go as I please. I can even jump off the
balcony if I want. I can walk around my apartment in my underwear. It seems like such a small thing, but they're all freedoms that I never
had when I was living at home. At home I was always somebody else's. I was never mine. I never belonged to me.
I just wish I had Lex here to share it all. If I did, it would be perfect, and I would never leave.
~
10:53 pm
Everybody wants me
This guy is totally pissing me off. I attract all these crazy guys. James has left me fifteen messages, begging me to call him right away.
In one of them he actually said that he loves me. Why does he keep saying it?
Now this guy is watching me. I see him and his little telescope, trained on me. How long was he watching? It's not like I'm not used to it.
I totally am. Everybody watches me and dreams. I am that good.
Pal, I'm coming for you.
~
04:55 pm
I have a new boyfriend
He's hot, he's sexy, and he's asleep in my bed right now, naked. He looks awesome in my collar. I fucked him until he was too tired to do
anything else, so he's passed out.
Last night, I went out after my peeping tom, and it turned out to be a very nice surprise. Pal and I exchanged
some interesting comments on his journal, and then he extended a warm welcome to me. I took his invitation to heart and we met up in his
office where I tore his clothes off and fucked him on his desk. He is awesome and the hottest thing ever. His body was made just for me.
He's a little nut, but I think I am totally in love all over again. Who's bad in bed now?
~
08:52 pm
Lex is alive!
I went to that building expecting... I'm not sure what. I never thought I'd find Lex very much alive. I was too shocked to say anything.
Then I did something really stupid. I took my school ring off. I don't know why I did that. I shouldn't have, because when it was off, all I
could think about was all the things I'd done these past months. All I could think about was how I had cheated on him.
I fucking cried like a baby. I felt so ashamed; I couldn't even look him in the eyes. He kissed my cheek, kissed my tears, but I couldn't do
it. I did the only thing I could do. I stepped away from him and put the ring back on. I didn't care that Lex called me a coward and told me
not to put it on. I just couldn't take it. I couldn't take the shame and the look of pain on his face.
He'd been watching me all this time. Batman saved him when I couldn't. All I could do was sit helplessly, while Bruce, a mere human, rescued
Lex. I failed him where his ex-lover did not. I bet Bruce is going to brag about that one for months.
It felt so good to throw that telescope out the window. I felt this anger with the way he was talking. He just never shuts up. He's always
analyzing things. He can't just fuck and enjoy life.
I showed him. I fucked him so hard that finally he shut up. All this time he was that guy who was taunting me. How didn't I see it? I went
back and read those comments. He's so mad. I should have been able to save him, but I don't care. He's here now and he's alive and he looks
so beautiful I could stare at him forever.
The truth is, when I put the ring back on, I felt so much better. After the awesome sex we had, I had to get him something to wear since I'd
torn his clothing to shreds. I was back in a minute with a black t-shirt and black jeans. I also brought him the collar I'd bought awhile
back. I bought it for him.
I gave the clothing to him and when he put the collar on I thought I was going to have an orgasm right there. He looked so fucking hot! I
wanted to fuck him again, but I also wanted to take him home. We went back to my place and fucked over and over again until he fell asleep
in my arms.
I don't care about the past. We can make a new life for ourselves. We're here now, the two of us, and I can't get enough of him. We fucked
so many times last night and this morning that I think even I'm getting sore. It's the best kind of pain ever. Lex is so amazing. He's a
little thinner, but he's still so amazing. He's so beautiful; I love him more than ever.
~
08:56 pm
The plan
The plan is that Pal and I are going to have sex 24/7. Considering that whenever I touch him we end up fucking
where we stand, it's a great plan.
He's so amazing. Kissing him is like the most amazing drink after a year of thirst. Holding him makes me realize that my arms have been
empty all this time.
I want us to stay here forever and never go out. We can just order in and never leave. I have everything I need here now.
We just fucked again. I came out of the shower and he was lying on my bed naked, wearing nothing but my collar. He looked so sexy. I
couldn't help but jump him. He's so awesome and incredible. I pulled off my towel and wrapped myself around him until we were both hard and
ready for it. Then I poked him with my big, thick stick until we both came really, really hard.
We're ordering in. We even talked a little. His father is an ass just like Lex's father. What a coincidence. He's been through a major
ordeal, so I'm going to have to be very gentle with him.
Screw that! He's taking it like a man. I love his ass-ets. They are all in the right place: my bed.
~
07:05 am
Last night was so awesome
I hadn't eaten in almost a week, but right after we had hot, incredible, amazing sex, Lex ordered in really spicy Thai food. He sat on the
floor by the coffee table and I fed him. It was so perfect. I could wait on him hand and foot for the rest of our lives. I loved it.
I love him.
After we ate we had hot, amazing sex again. We were both dirty. It was a good kind of dirty, but I wanted a bath, so I made up a nice
soothing bubble bath for Lex's aches and pains. We climbed in and started to kiss. I am always hard near him, so I was fucking hard as a
rock by then. He looks so amazing naked. I couldn't keep my hands off of him. His smooth, gorgeous skin demanded to be touched and his lips
begged to be kissed.
He slid onto my cock while I lay back with my arm behind my head. It was the most incredibly intimate sex I have ever had. He was laid bare
by it. I could see it in his eyes. The only thing I cared about was him. I was buried deep inside him, gently fucking him the whole time. He
jerked himself off as he rode me, and came all over my chest. He's still so tight. I gripped his hips and lifted him up so I could fuck into
him and then I came with a scream that I bet the neighbors heard.
He hasn't taken the collar off since he put it on. Fuck, I want to do it again just thinking about it. Just seeing him with it on makes me
want him.
~
07:55 am
Order in, and then have more sex
He's hot, he's sexy. He makes me horny just watching him sleep. He's asleep right now and he looks incredible, especially in nothing but the
collar. I've missed him so much. We won't talk about that at all.
Pal is amazing. We haven't done much except fuck and eat. It's the perfect weekend. I needed a break. I've been working so hard. I just
cleaned the place as fast as I could so we wouldn't have to worry about that. I want this to be perfect, and then later we can concern
ourselves with the little things in life that I find totally annoying and intrusive. He deserves perfect after everything he's been through.
I went out early this morning for coffee and croissants. There's this really nice place I know across town that has the most amazing early
morning breakfasts.
I can't say much more except that I am happier than I have been since I moved away from home.
~
02:52 pm
I took the ring off
This past weekend has been interesting. With the ring on, my inhibitions vanish as though they never existed. I feel free to do what I
please. It's not like I feel the urge to hurt or damage people and things: I just feel more confident. I like that feeling. I wish I could
feel that way all the time.
The scar started to burn earlier. After I took the ring off, we talked. Lex asked me to keep the ring off -- not directly, but he did ask me
to stay with him, so I did. I told him what happened with the scar, Jor-El, and the ship, and Mom losing the baby because of what I did. He
told me it wasn't my fault, but I know it is. None of this would have happened if it hadn't been for my actions. My dad was right about
that. I'll be paying for this for the rest of my life. Every time I hear Mom's voice, it hurts.
Lex told me that Dr. Bryce tried to bribe him with my blood. She was going to expose me and us, so Lex had to stop her, and he ended up in a
plane crash. He said he was all alone on an island all that time. I don't want to think about what he almost did. I could have lost him
forever. I should have tried to save him. I should have never stopped looking. I should have never given up on him.
After all, it was my fault that he went missing. I should have told him about the blood sample. I should never have trusted Dr. Bryce. I
promised Lex that I'd tell him everything from now on.
Lex thinks his father hired Dr. Bryce. He wants the world to think he's dead, and I'm going to do everything to help him. I want him to be
happy. I want things for us to be good.
After we talked, we kissed and that ended with us in bed. I wanted to touch him and show him how much he means to me. We took our clothes
off, and I sucked Lex off, then I jerked myself off. I felt a little exposed, but I knew it would be fine with Lex, because I knew he'd
never hurt me. I still couldn't stop myself from feeling a little embarrassed about it. I mean when I think about all the sex we've had over
the last few days, I blush. I guess we had a lot of time to make up for. I really did miss him so much, and it seems like my body missed him
a lot.
Lex fell asleep afterwards. He looked so happy. He looks amazing considering everything he's been through. He's not wearing the bracelet I
gave him. I haven't asked where it is. I think we're going back to his other place to get his things. He's moving in with me permanently.
We're going to live together in the city. I'm so excited. I can't wait to do things with him. We'll be restricted because he doesn't want to
go out and be seen, but I'm sure we can work around that.
I'm looking forward to living with him. I just hope he doesn't try to tell me to go back to my parents. I can't go back there. I just phoned
home. Mom answered, and I couldn't say anything. I hung up because I couldn't think of what to say. Lex is going to be so mad.
~
07:32 am
Turn me on
My new main guy (who is still wearing the collar I got him and asleep in my bed, naked because that makes it so much easier to have sex
whenever the mood strikes) and I went to his old place yesterday after he woke. I wore him out completely (having your cock sucked will do
that). It was a post-coital sleep. I took him for a ride on my motorcycle. He picked his things up from that dump he was living in. At least
with me, he can live in luxury. He's used to being all pampered and stuff.
He's living with me now. He lost all this weight during his ordeal and he's really slim. I want to bite his hips. They are so sexy.
I love when he moves in his sleep. It's like he knows he's being watched so he has to stay all sexy.
After we picked his things up and brought them here, I took a nice long nap. The rest of the night was filled with some fondling and drinks.
Then we both passed out in each other's arms. He's really touchy-feely. Normally I hate that because of this ugly scar, but with him, I
totally love it. I want him to touch me every chance he can. His touch is sexy and possessive. He's perfect.
~
01:56 pm
What the...
What the fuck does he think he's doing? He says he wants to stay dead. He says he wants the rest of the world to think he's dead, and then
he goes and practically tells everybody who he is. I am doing everything to keep his identity a secret, but instead he's the one who's
exposed himself. He thinks people already knew anyway. I guess him calling me angel gave the game away completely. There's no doubt now that
my new roommate is Lex. At least he's not shouting it from the rooftops.
This morning, after I showered, I joined him in the kitchen for some breakfast. He was about to make coffee when I interrupted to ask a few
questions about his little post. I warned him to be more careful about what he says. He doesn't seem to care at all that people know or have
guessed who he is.
It ended in amazing, hot sex with his ass up against the kitchen counter. I lifted him up onto the counter and tore his pants off, then I
fucked him to show him who's boss. He didn't seem to mind. After that I made us some coffee and cereal. All this sex makes me really hungry.
There's also a small part of me that gets a thrill out of watching Lex Luthor get his ass fucked then eat plain old cereal and milk. He was
so sexy while I fucked him. I think we rocked the whole kitchen.
It must be love.
~
09:20 am
I want to...
...worship every inch of his body. I want to suck his cock 24/7. I want to suck him off and see that look of ecstasy on his face every
single day.
He's so perfect with his sweaty body under me and his hands in my hair and his legs wrapped around me tightly. I could thrust into him for
hours. He feels so velvety soft, which reminds me that he's only human, so I do have to give him a break once in a while.
His cock is so hard right now. I love to watch him sleep. Moments like these are some of my favorites. When he doesn't know I'm watching and
he stretches his slim, pale body and his cock twitches, I know he's dreaming about me.
He responds to my caresses and kisses even as he dreams. Then I wake him with my tongue in his ass.
I'm becoming a sex maniac, and it's his fault. If he weren't so sexy...
~
01:57 pm
I wanted to go out last night
I was feeling antsy last night so, while Lex was in the shower, I dressed up and left him a note to let him know where I would be. I was
hoping he'd follow me and he did. Once I got to the club some girl clung to me until Lex showed up, but I wasn't interested. She was really
boring. I was so happy Lex showed up when he did. Nobody makes me feel as good as Lex does. His kisses and caresses are the most amazing.
Even when I was with James, it never even came close to how I feel when I'm with Lex.
We had to leave the club because I spotted James there, and I wasn't in the mood to deal with that part of my past, so I grabbed Lex's hand
and dragged him out of the club. We went for a short ride to my favorite gay club. Once Lex relaxed, I pulled him into a dark corner and got
down on my knees to worship his gorgeous cock. The thrill of doing it in public is a rush for me, but this time it was even more of a rush
because Lex isn't even supposed to be alive. I was so hard the whole time I sucked him off! When he came down my throat, I almost came, but
I managed to hold off.
I wanted to stay for awhile, so I danced for him and we drank for a few hours. It was the perfect night. I only had eyes for him.
We went for a ride on my motorcycle. I was so hard the whole time. I love the feel of the cycle vibrating between my legs and Lex's arms
wrapped tightly around me. I could have come right there. I was so tempted to park and give Lex the ride of his life right on the seat of
the bike. The thought made my whole body tingle. I was hard for the rest of the ride home, and with Lex's hand squeezing me through my
pants, I almost did come.
I waited for us to get back to our place, where I stripped down and stretched out on our bed. He climbed between my spread legs and he
sucked my cock until I came. It was the most amazing orgasm ever, probably because I'd waited for so long. The way he licks my shaft and
swirls his tongue around the tip makes me hard just to think about it. Everything he does to me makes me hard. How did I ever survive being
around him back in Smallville without jumping him every five seconds? He's so hot and sexy and amazing and talented.
James called this morning, and Lex answered the phone. He was not pleased, to say the least, and James must have said something because Lex
told James that he's my only fuck before asking who it was. I thought for sure that Lex would leave, but he stayed in bed with me. I told
James that it was over and that he should move on, and then I hung up. I wanted to get back to more important business. Lex was a little
hostile. He brought up the fact that I had cheated on him and that I should have been able to save him, like I can fly or something or maybe
sniff him out. Then he called me young and it wasn't fun anymore. I hate it when he brings it up. I never would have cheated if I'd known
that Lex was still alive.
I wanted to stop talking about that because those things are in the past. I told Lex I love him. He's here now and that's all that matters.
~
01:48 pm
It's done
I had a really nice night and morning. Everything was fine until James showed up. He stopped by at lunchtime to talk to me. My new
houseguest wasn't in the room, but he heard the whole conversation. I was wearing the ring when he stopped by. I did tell him it was over
between us. He was a little upset. James is a nice guy and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I said I'd see him around.
Pal wasn't happy about this. He told me to fuck off, and then left. I don't know if he'll be back. If he doesn't come back soon, I'm going
out to look for him.
I had to take the ring off again. It hurts too much. Everything hurts too much.
~
06:58 pm
Road trip!
Pal and I are going on a road trip. We need to get out of town and have some fun. We're headed out on my cycle and we are taking no
prisoners!
~
05:34 pm
We're here.
On Friday night, I saw the most awesome car in a dealership window. I wondered how much is that car in the window, the one with the shiny
finish and pretty Diablo on the hood. I robbed some bank machines of enough cash for the car and went back to the dealership. The nice lady
helped me out, and in less than an hour I was the owner of a new silver Lamborghini Diablo.
I love this car. Lex and I got in and drove for hours. Since I don't get tired, I did all the driving. Now we are in California and we are
having fun. We went out to a gay club Saturday night. The club was wild. We could kiss and touch in public and nobody gave us grief.
Unfortunately, some guy had to spoil our fun when he touched Lex. I stepped in, pulled his hands off of Lex, and informed him that Lex was
mine, and that he should watch who he touches. I pointed out Lex's collar to show that he's owned. I broke the guy's hand when he tried to
smart mouth me. He shouldn't have touched Lex.
Before that, Lex and I were having such a great time. I danced while Lex watched. I love when he watches me. I've always loved when he
watched me from the moment we met. His eyes on me sent tingles through my whole body. I was just too naive way back when to realize what it
meant. It's a good thing I grew up; otherwise I'd still be waiting for something to happen. I was such a dork.
I was so angry that I wanted to smash that guy's head in, so we left the club. We drove around until I found a beach. Lex calmed me down.
After that we walked for a while near the water then had sex on the beach. It was awesome.
We managed to find a place to stay that was right on the beach. It's really nice. We're here right now. I took a few seconds later Saturday,
while Lex was otherwise occupied, and called Bruce to thank him for finding Lex. Bruce wasn't around so I left a message with his butler
guy. I wonder how he'll react when he gets that message. I've been keeping up on Batman and Robin's adventures. They're really busy all the
time. I guess there are a lot of bad guys in Gotham.
It was a really quiet day today. I spent all morning watching Lex. He looked so perfect lying on the white sheets of the bed. I stared at
him for a long time. He finally got uncomfortable and asked what I was trying to find. I wasn't trying to find anything; I already found
what I want. I love Lex so much, sometimes when I look at him I feel like I could get lost in his eyes. I could have stared at him all day.
We're going back to Metropolis soon. I wish we could stay here. Not in this house since we don't really own it, but here on the beach away
from the rest of the world where nobody can tell me what to do or who I should be. It was nice to walk around naked and sunbathe and swim
whenever I felt like it. I want to do this again for sure.
I don't think Lex liked it as much as I did. It was probably all that sun. His delicate skin can't take the sun the way my skin can. I've
never burned and it takes a lot of exposure for me to get a decent tan. It must be my alien skin.
~
11:07 pm
We're back
Lex drove for the first half of the trip, and I took over after we stopped to get something to eat. He was very quiet for most of the ride.
I think he must have been contemplating what to do next, because I could practically see the gears turning in his head. I was sure that if I
x-rayed him, I would see actual gears. I wonder if maybe we should do this every weekend. I'm going to ask him for sure. Maybe we could just
get in the car and drive anywhere. I don't really care where. Now that we have this lovely car bought with all that lovely stolen money, it
would be so much easier.
I was happy to be back in familiar surroundings. We just had the most awesome shower sex. I pulled Lex in close to me with his back pressed
to my chest and soaped him up. Then I stroked his gorgeous hard cock until he came all over my hand. Of course that totally made me horny. I
was hard the whole time with my cock pressed against his ass --I couldn't resist. I bent him forward and fucked him in the shower. I want to
do it again and again.
I feel so amazingly relaxed right now. Lex has already drifted off to sleep with a smile on his beautiful face. I want it to be this way
forever.
With a ton of cash and nobody to bother us, maybe it can be.
~
12:27 pm
I've been deprived
This morning sucked ass. I woke up and immediately had to take this stupid ring off. As soon as the pain stopped, I put it back on. Pal was
getting dressed when it happened. He's so sexy even when he's doing something like dressing. I was happily watching him slip into his
boxers, content to watch his ass disappear into the cotton fabric, knowing I'd be ripping them off him any moment because I was horny.
Last night's shower sex gave me all kinds of fantasies. I dreamed that we were trapped in a shower naked, with nothing but a bar of soap. It
wasn't really a dream. We weren't trapped in the shower last night, but it would have been cool, because then he'd be naked all the time and
we could have lots and lots of hot sex.
I kept imagining the feel of his hands on me and when I opened my eyes he was getting dressed. Then the scar burned and after I put the ring
back on, Pal finished dressing and left to go for a walk. We didn't even have sex before he left which totally sucks because I was still
horny. I ate breakfast alone.
He's acting all weird. Maybe we should move to another city. That might cheer him up.
~
03:34 pm
Now that was an adventure
I could kill Edge and be done with it. He's really starting to bug me now. Last night Lex and I went out to the club. After he came back
from his walk, we had a talk. He was really spaced out. I think he might be suffering from some kind of mind thing from being on that
island. I tried to reassure him that everything with us was good. He's more fragile than I thought. I'll have to be careful with him. I
don't want to damage him more. His father did enough for two lifetimes.
I'm not sure what he meant when he said he wanted all of me. I'm right here. Nobody else has my attention but him. I give him everything. We
almost had a fight, but then things were fine. Once we kissed and moved to the bedroom for sex, everything was just fine. He seemed fine.
After the sex, we fell asleep in each other's arms.
Then we went out to the club, and some of Edge's men approached me to ask me to meet with their boss right there. He owns the club, and must
have been waiting for me. I pushed Lex out of the way so he could hide behind me. I didn't want him to get caught. When the fight moved
outside, things got a little out of hand, but I can't let them see Lex. Since Edge knows Lionel, chances are he knows Lex.
One of the guys managed to pull Lex's hood off in the struggle. I was kicking somebody else's ass when it happened so I'm not sure how long
it was off, and I don't know if they know Lex. The state of Kansas knows Lex so they may know who he is.
I told one of Edge's thugs to give Edge the message that I'd go to him if and when I was ready to deal. He better send that message, or I'm
going to send it in person for sure.
I don't get why he sent his men. I already told him I wasn't interested in his stupid deal. I don't need cash and I don't want to be
bothered.
I'm just glad Lex is okay. If one of those guys tells Edge about Lex, then I can deal with it when it happens.
~
03:35 pm
Holy fuck!
I fucking flew! I flew to China and back in less than five hours. FUCK!
Lex and I had the most amazing morning. We woke up and got dressed, and I decided today was going to be a great day, so I took him out to
breakfast. That was amazing. We talked about everything and nothing. On the walk home, he asked me if we could run the next time we went on
a trip. He doesn't want to take a car. He wants me to carry him. He wants us to run where we're going. I've never really done that before,
but I told him we could try.
Then it happened. Just as we arrived at our place, I heard this deafening ringing in my ears. It wasn't like anything I'd ever heard before.
This was different. I couldn't resist it. I told Lex not to go anywhere, and then I shot straight up into the sky. I flew! I fucking flew. I
didn't stop until I got to China. When I landed, I had to find the source of this horrible ringing, and I had to stop it.
I was drawn to some kind of temple where these guys were worshiping some statue thing. I couldn't get close enough to grab what was causing
the ringing, because there was fucking green Kryptonite embedded in the eyes. The temple looked old. How the fuck did the rocks get all the
way over there? The only time I've ever seen them is in Smallville, not that I've been farther than the city until today. Those rocks came
with me to earth. There is no way they could be in this old temple I'd never heard of.
I found what was making the noise. It was some rock that shot out of the temple right into my hand. As soon as that happened, these guys
came after me. I couldn't understand a word they said, but I got the distinct impression they were not happy I was stealing their stone. I
didn't care about that. I just wanted the ringing to stop.
Unfortunately, I didn't get away from them fast enough. They came after me with swords that had green meteor rocks for handles. I hate
swords.
They cut me up before I could get away from them. Then the guys took the stone from me. I managed to crawl away from the temple and drag my
ass outside. Unfortunately, one of the sword guys followed me and stayed close enough that I couldn't recover from the green rock.
Lucky for me there were some other people who came along and fought the bad guys. After kicking some ass, they gave the stone back to me. I
have no idea what they told me to do with it, but I thanked them and shot back up into the sky because all I could think about was the fact
that I had taken off on Lex again.
It's so amazing up there above the clouds. I flew straight up and got a very clear view of the earth from above. I guess this means I'm not
afraid of heights anymore, and gravity doesn't work for me. All those times I floated, I thought it was because I was horny.
I am a fucking freak!
I gave the stone to Lex and told him I wanted nothing to do with it.
~
04:18 pm
Unexpected trip
I went on an unexpected trip today. Unfortunately, I had no time to explain things to Pal. Once I got back, I told him where I'd been and
everything was okay. It totally freaked both of us out, but some things just can't be helped. I got a little messy during the trip, but Pal
cleaned me up. All the touches turned into kisses. Then the kisses turned into awesome sex. He always makes me feel so amazing. He always
knows all the right spots to hit, and all the right words to say to keep me grounded.
Those are just some of the reasons I know he's perfect for me.
~
09:42 pm
I am freaking out right now.
I flew in the air with only my body. It was just me with nothing beneath me but air. I told Lex everything that happened in China as he
cleaned the dried blood from my chest. I'm just glad I could get away from those guys. At least the cuts healed before I got back to Lex.
I fucking flew. How the hell am I ever going to be normal now? Humans can't fly without a plane. I remember when Lex and I first met, and he
asked me if I believed a man could fly. I told him no. I think I'm going to have to change that answer to a resounding yes. YES! Lex,
somebody can fly and that somebody is me.
Freaky Clark Kent aka Kal-El from the long dead planet Krypton can fly without a plane. Fuck, the earth is huge.
Thanks, Dad! You fucking bastard.
~
06:48 pm
Lex went out
I'm alone for the first time in a while. Lex went out earlier to do some research. He took a picture of the stone and left so I think he's
going to try to find out what it is. It has to be from my home world. The stone has a symbol on it and it's the same symbol burned into my
chest.
I had to take my school ring off, and I haven't put it back on yet. That was a few hours ago. I'm torn. I don't know what to do. On the one
hand I'm overwhelmed by the feeling that there's no going back. I can't go home. I can't stay here like this.
I'm so glad I have Lex with me.
I stared at that stone for a while, trying to figure out what the heck it is and why it called to me and how the heck I flew. I guess that's
just another one of the things I can do. At least when I was up there in the clouds, I didn't have time to think about what was happening to
me. I just did it and now I stare out into the city and I stand on the balcony of my apartment and look up in the sky and there is no way I
am going up there.
I'm afraid. I've never been so afraid before, not even when I've been was incapacitated by the green Kryptonite rocks have I felt fear like
this. What if I am unstoppable? What if no matter how hard I fight it, I can never escape my destiny?
I have to have faith that Lex will figure this out. I know he will. He's smart and he's here with me. He loves me still even after I took
off on him like that. I asked him yesterday after we had sex if it freaked him out that I flew. He thought it was cool.
I don't want to take over the world. I don't want something to take over me and force this destiny I want no part of on me. I just want to
be me, Clark Kent, plain Kansas boy. I don't want anybody to tell me what to do with my life.
I left the ring in the bathroom. Maybe I can keep it off. I know Lex wants me to. I hope Lex gets back soon.
~
08:22 am
This weekend
...is all about relaxation. Pal and I have barely gotten out of bed. Last night we ordered in pizza, and then we watched QAF all night long.
Then we re-enacted many of the onscreen scenes. My favorite was when I rimmed him until he screamed for mercy. I don't think I've ever heard
him beg quite that way before, but it was a very dignified begging.
I gave him what he wanted. We had the most amazing sex on the balcony. After we moved back into the bedroom, we stayed naked and watched
some more episodes. I jerked off later while he watched. I think I've become an exhibitionist, because I loved it when he watched me.
He's asleep right now, but I plan to wake him up with my big, thick stick. Right after I get us some coffee, I am going to beg him to stay
in bed with me all day long.
~
12:49 pm
I have stones (right here between my legs)
My weekend was so amazing. I should live this way all the time. Pal and I stayed in, fucked, sucked and licked our way into paradise. I was
in heaven. Yesterday I couldn't convince him that we should live this way forever. He wanted to go out, so he did and he didn't come home
until late last night. I waited up for him so we could continue our nice, friendly weekend. He was tired. He'd spent all day doing research.
What's to know? That thing I brought home is not more important than me. It sucks. I hate it and I wish I could forget that I ever flew to
get it. Whatever possessed me has to die. I wish I could kill it, but it's inside of me. I try hard to avoid that, and no matter what, it
always comes back to haunt me.
Two can play at that game. This scar will not control me. This thing will not control me. I wouldn't let Jonathan control me, and there is
no way in hell I am going to let that bastard who thinks he is my biological father control me.
Pal went out again today. I tempted him with my body, but that only worked for a few hours, then he said he had some work to do. That's
cool. I know he has a lot on his mind.
~
01:03 pm
He's gone
He left sometime this morning while I slept.
Last night, he got home late from his investigation. I am really beginning to hate that stupid rock. I want to smash it into a million
pieces, but I bet it's like me: unbreakable. As soon as he walked in the door, I slammed it behind him and seduced him. I stripped us both
naked and kissed him all over, then I pulled us both over to the bed and fucked him with everything I had. He can take it, and he took it
well last night. I led us both down the path of ecstasy. He came with a cry of passion and I screamed out my own. I would fuck him forever
if he'd let me. I love to be in him, thrusting deep, pulling him closer until we almost pass out from pleasure.
It was fucking awesome. I missed him so much while he was away. I told him so. I spent the day waiting for him to return to me. I wanted him
to be here in the morning, but he had other plans.
After the mind-blowing sex, I cleaned us both up and he ordered in Italian. I was starved. I hadn't eaten all day so I wolfed down my own
meal, and then sneaked some of Lex's food.
We settled into bed, and everything was fine until that fucking scar started to burn again. Right there with Lex beside me, I cringed in
pain. It was humiliating. I never wanted him to be so close to me when it happened, but he was, and he reached out and touched my burning
scar as I lay there incapacitated from the searing pain. He took the ring off of my finger, and I wasn't me anymore. I was him. I was shame
and fear and every bad feeling in between.
I turned away from Lex and pulled on a shirt to cover up the scar. He asked me a few question as I sat there waiting for the pain to stop.
It wasn't the pain from the scar or the ring that I felt; it was the pain of the things I'd done to bring me to this point. I don't want to
feel that way. He asked why I put the ring back on every time it has to come off, and I didn't lie. I told him it makes me feel better.
I tried so hard to explain to him why I have to wear the ring. He told me that it was my choice what I did, and then he went into the other
room. I know it doesn't make him happy, but I put the ring back on.
I wiped the tears from my eyes, and everything was fine.
Now Lex is gone, and I'm not really sure if he'll come back to me. If he doesn't come back, I know for sure that I will probably go after
him and force him to stay with me, because we are forever. There is no way I am going to let these things about my alien heritage fuck
things up.
He better come back to me, or I can't be held responsible for what I do.
~
10:45 am
I am having a really bad day so far
Pal went out early yesterday morning while I was asleep, and he hasn't returned. He's fucking dumped me -- I just know it. That fuck! After
everything I did for him... After everything I did to him... I made him feel wanted and loved and I gave him everything. What does he do in
return? He goes off to hell knows where without a word to me. I can't call him because there's no way for me to call him.
I am so pissed off right now. He better come home now or something really bad will happen.
I waited up all night for him, and I even went looking for him at one point. Obviously I did not find him.
~
12:21 pm
I totally overreacted
Pal came home yesterday around lunchtime. I totally overacted to his absence. I don't like that he's become so obsessed with this thing I
brought back from China, but there's nothing I can do to stop him. It totally pisses me off that I am jealous of a stupid stone. It's taking
up all his spare time.
After he got back, we had a big fight. I was so upset and angry, and I thought he was gone for good. He was gone once before -- it could
happen again. I told him never to do that again. I'm pretty sure he realized how upset I was over his sudden disappearance. He could have at
least called to tell me he'd be late. It turned out he found some kind of clue and got caught up in that. He lost track of time and fell
asleep where he was. I know he can get all obsessed about things, so I have to just accept that this is the way he is.
After I calmed down, we relaxed for a while. He spent all his time doing more research, only it was at home this time. It must be something
huge. I don't really care. I told him before I wanted nothing to do with that thing.
I went out to the club after he fell asleep. I was bored. I met up with James who looked really happy to see me. We danced for awhile and
then I brought him home. It's not like I was going to fuck him. I was just having some fun. So what if I kissed James a few times? I wasn't
going to sleep with him.
Pal flipped out and grabbed James. I thought he was going to throttle him. It was kind of funny to watch. I asked James to leave, and he
left without another word.
I guess that wasn't one of the smartest choices I've made, but I don't care. Pal is so obsessed over that stupid thing. I want to be his
obsession - only me, nothing else.
Man, writing all this here makes me so mad.
Pal got all pouty and immediately pulled out some booze, so I left him to his bottle and took a shower, then went to bed. I couldn't sleep.
Eventually Pal joined me and we fell asleep together. I held him in my arms and reassured him that we are forever. He has nothing to worry
about. Can't he see that? No matter who else I'm with or have been with, he's the one.
Maybe he's insecure. I should do something nice for him to take his mind off things. Or maybe he's still not all there because of what
happened to him on that island. I could go after his dad for him. That might make him feel better.
I'll have to think about all this.
~
09:58 pm
Another amazing weekend
I'm really starting to love my weekends. We stayed in most of the time, except today I felt like going for a ride, so we hopped on my cycle
and rode out of the city to a really nice secluded spot. It was such a beautiful day, I felt like being out in the sun. I stripped down to
my briefs and lay out in the sun. Pal isn't a sun worshiper the way I am, but he looked gorgeous under the shade of the oak tree.
My briefs didn't stay on long. We had the most amazing, slow sex under the shade of a tree. I should have done this more often when we were
home in hick town. I loved the feel of sunshine on my bare ass. It felt great to kiss him slowly and slide my hand down his pants.
In fact, thinking about it makes me want to do it all over again, only in our bed.
11:30 pm
He went out again today
He wanted to do more research. I wish he'd just leave it alone.
Since he was going to be out for a while, I decided to go for a ride out to the country. I drove by my old home. I stopped briefly. I didn't
see my parents. They were probably working the fields or something just as boring.
It was nice to ride out in the open roads. I ended up being chased by the cops in the next county over from where I used to live. I gave
them the slip. There was no way I was going to get a speeding ticket. As much fun as I had out there, I was happy to return to our home. Pal
was still out when I returned, but he said he'd come home tonight for sure. So far he's not home yet.
I'll just wait for him here in our bed: naked, with some whip cream (oops. I swear I meant whipped cream) and leather straps. We are going
to have fun tonight.
I can't wait to lick his awesome ass.
~
06:39 pm
Last night
Last night I took a long, hot shower. I can take them really hot when it's just me. My skin never burns from the heat. I felt so amazing
afterwards that I jerked off to thoughts of Lex fucking me. I knew what I had to do. I had to set a trap that no sane man could resist.
I took out two leather wrist restraints and laid them down on the bed. I wrote out a note that said 'All Yours' and placed that on the table
beside the bed. Then I laid face down with my arms above my head, wrists crossed, and waited for him to return. I made sure that the first
thing he'd see was me and my naked ass.
I didn't have too long to wait. He came home just like he promised he would. By that time, I had dozed off into a nice, sweet, dream-like
haze where Lex fucked me over and over and over again. My pants are getting tight thinking about it.
He walked in without a word and took a drink. Then he sat down beside me, caressing my back and ass and sending shivers all over my body. I
was hard instantly. Lex could always make me hard by just walking into a room, and I am so happy that this is still the case. I remember
that one time when I was in the Talon and he walked in, and I got all hot and hard and had to leave. Man, I was so naive then. Good thing I
smartened up. I hate to imagine all those moments that we would never have had if I hadn't taken a chance. I can't even remember a time when
I wasn't attracted to him. Every time Lex touches me, it's bliss.
...like last night. Lex took the bait. He stripped himself naked, then he tied me up with the wrist restraints. I could have escaped any
time I wanted, but I didn't want to. I wanted to be helpless, even if it was only imagined. I told myself that I was at Lex Luthor's mercy
and that he was going to teach me a lesson.
He taught me the most awesome lesson ever. He taught me that being fucked from behind by him with his hands holding my bound wrists is the
fucking sexiest thing ever. I thrust my ass in the air as he pushed deep into me. I wanted it as hard as he could make it, and I got it. He
pounded into me, and it was bliss.
It was torture too, because I didn't get to come. Lex was rewarded with his release, but I had to wait for mine. He came deep inside me with
barely any words exchanged between us beyond 'fuck me hard' and 'fuck, Kal' and 'yes, fuck, yes'. Then after he came, he collapsed on top of
me. I still hadn't come. I tried desperately to fuck into the mattress. The friction of my cock rubbing against the sheets drove me insane.
I probably would have poked a hole in the mattress except Lex told me to turn over and then he finally gave me what I wanted. He sucked my
cock until I exploded in his mouth. I love what he does with his tongue, and how he deep-throats me and swallows when my cock is buried deep
inside him. Best feeling ever.
I couldn't keep the pretence of being bound any longer. I broke the restraints as I came, but that was okay, since my climax was so awesome.
After that, I could barely move. We both collapsed. I told him that was the best sex ever, and then we both passed out. I slept deeply, and
when I woke up this morning, he was already gone. He left a note saying he'd be back later. I can't even be upset at the fact that he didn't
wake me before he left, because there is no way I am going to be mad after that fucking awesome sex.
I have to go jerk off now.
~
01:53 pm
My day so far
I fell asleep and no Pal, then I woke up this morning and no Pal. He's doing it again. At least he left a note to tell me he'd be out most
of the day. I decided I needed some entertainment, so I went out and picked up some toys. Now I am going to sit here in my underwear and
play with myself all day long.
This has been the best summer ever. No stupid farm work to distract me and all this extra curricular activity makes my life so much fun.
Monday night was so awesome. I want to repeat the performance, only this time I want to top. Then I want him to beg me to suck his cock.
That would totally rock.
The sun is shining, and I just had my coffee out on the balcony, watching the world go by. I have a feeling this is going to be a
spectacular day.
~
12:13 pm
Lex is gone again
He came home last night really late after being out all day. I wanted to take him to dinner, but he didn't show. I wanted to do something
nice. I thought maybe even if he wasn't up for some sex, he might want something different, but Lex wasn't up for anything at all. He was
too tired. I tried not to let that bother me. I spent all day yesterday waiting for him. I should have gone out and robbed another bank, or
done something to kill time. I didn't even get a chance to propose something to him.
This morning when I woke up, he was already gone. I don't know how he does that. He's so sneaky. I know he can't really get a cell phone
because of the danger of his father finding him, but this is ridiculous. I hate it. I'm the one he should be obsessing over, not that stupid
rock. I know what he said about it being important and that he has to find out for both our sakes what it means and what it is, but I want
him to be here so I can fuck him if I feel like it!
I'm going out for a ride today. Who knows where I'll end up or who I'll end up with? I need an adventure.
~
11:37 am
I wish Lex had stayed with me
We had breakfast together and talked about things. I tried to convince him to stay with me. I didn't want him to find out more about that
stone. I couldn't tell him that I'm terrified of what it could mean, because when I'm Kal, nothing terrifies me. He knows about the message
in the ship and how it said that I was sent here to take over the world. What if this stone is part of that?
I wish he'd stayed, but I think it's too late now for things to be different. I know that everything that has happened up to now is because
of the choices I've made. I still can't bring myself to phone home again.
I hate my life so much.
~
11:42 am
Worst weekend ever
Lex and I had a huge fight last night.
The weekend started off okay. Lex was still taking off in the morning to do more research, and then coming home late at night. He did that
on Saturday. I was getting really impatient with this, so last night I dressed up for the club and left him a note saying I'd be at Docks'
gay night. I wanted him to join me, but he didn't show up until way later in the evening. By then I had gotten tired of waiting for him. I
ran into James, so we danced and had a few drinks together. He got a little drunk, and kissed me and told me that he misses me. I kind of
missed him. He's a nice guy and he looked so hot last night.
We left the club and I was going to give him a ride home, but that was when Lex showed up. Of course James had just grabbed me and kissed me
right at that moment. Lex freaked. He attacked James in a fury. It was kind of amusing until Lex knocked James out. Then Lex took off all
freaked out, yelling at me to stay away from him.
I checked on James to make sure he wasn't dead or anything, and then I ran after Lex but he was gone. I managed to wake James and get him
home safe. He was so pissed off, but I told him not to do anything drastic. Once I made sure he was going to be fine, I went home. Lex
wasn't there. The Lamborghini wasn't gone, so I know he didn't take it. I went to that place where he'd watched me from, but he wasn't there
either. I started to panic and before I knew it, I was in his penthouse. There was no sign of him at all. I thought maybe he was angry
enough to go back to that place even if it might mean running into his father. I checked the garage and all the same cars were still there.
I ran around the city not sure where else to look. Eventually I had to come home. I can't believe he'd be so angry about a little harmless
kiss that he'd vanish on me. I was so furious last night. What if somebody sees him? Lex didn't seem very stable when he ran off. I hope he
doesn't go after his father. I could totally see him doing that.
I woke up alone this morning. I was hoping he'd come to his senses and return in the middle of the night. I guess I'll just have to wait and
see if he decides to return to me. Maybe he thinks he hurt James really badly and feels like he can't come back. I called James this morning
and he said he was fine. I managed to talk him into not going to the police about this. I had to promise to go see him sometime today.
This is such a mess. I wanted Lex to stop paying attention to that stupid stone and pay attention only to me, but I didn't want this. I feel
helpless. I know Lex can take care of himself, but I want to take care of him. I want to be the one he counts on. I've always wanted that
since he came back from that island. Now I've totally failed him. When he comes back, things are going to change. I'm sure he'll call me
soon or something.
~
05:30 pm
Still no Lex
I guess he must still be really mad at me. I wish he'd at least call. I went over to talk to James. He's fine and he won't go to the cops. I
had to promise to keep in touch. I told him I would, but I'm not going to. He doesn't need to know that. I wanted to tell Lex that James is
in the past.
The only thing that's important is that Lex comes home. I'll let him yell and shout until he feels better then we can go back to having sex.
I wish he'd call.
~
09:01 pm
I just got a package delivered to my place
It looks like Lex didn't run off on his own like I thought. The package I got had Lex's collar in it and a note that said 'The stone for the
man. We will tell you where to go.' Who the fuck are these people and what do they want with the stone?
Fuck that! Nobody tells me what to do. I am going to find these people and fuck them up so badly, they'll wish they'd never crossed my path.
They have no idea who they are messing with. If they hurt Lex I won't be responsible for what I do to them.
~
02:00 pm
Maybe I should have planned that a little better
I saw Lex. He's in bad shape. They hurt him badly. They are going to pay.
I got a note this morning telling me where to bring the stone. I didn't bring the stone. I hid it where nobody would find it. I figured I
could get in and out of there in a flash and save Lex, but when I got there, these guys jumped me from behind. That wouldn't have been a
problem except for the fact that they had green kryptonite on them. I couldn't fight back. I only saw Lex for a few seconds. He was tied to
a chair, covered in cuts and bruises.
They knocked me out and left me with a present. When I finally woke up, I was so weak from the green kryptonite that I could barely lift my
hand to pick it up. I tried to throw it far enough away so it wouldn't affect me, but I didn't even manage that. I only threw it a few feet
and had to drag my ass out of the warehouse to get away from it. I fucking hate those rocks. How the fuck did they know to use it against
me? I didn't recognize any of these guys. I know they can't be Edge's men because, as far as I know, I've met all his thugs. Just to be
sure, maybe I'll pay him a visit, the kind where I kick his old ass while he answers all my questions.
Now they're all gone again. I blew it. I underestimated these people.
Fuck!
~
05:58 pm
This is not a game
Fuck these assholes! Who the fuck do they think they are? Who the fuck do they think they're dealing with? I am not a nice guy! This time
they called me directly and ordered me to bring the stone to them. I tried to talk to the guy on the other end. I wanted to find out who
they were and why they wanted something that belongs to me, but they only told me they would kill Lex if I didn't bring them the stone by
tonight. They gave me a location and said that I better have the stone on me this time or else. They made sure I could hear Lex's screams of
pain in the background.
I just want Lex back. They can have the stone. If I go there and find him any kinds of dead, there will be a lot of dead guys in Metropolis
tonight.
~
12:02 pm
That hurt like a bitch
Last night sucked. I went to meet those guys and brought the stone. They overpowered me again, which was totally embarrassing, took the
stone from me, and shot me in the chest a few times.
Can I say it again? Getting shot in the chest with green kryptonite close by, really fucking hurt like a bitch. I feel better today, but
last night after Lex and I finally dragged our sorry beaten asses' home, I felt like death. Even after the green kryptonite was gone I still
felt dead. The bullet wounds healed, but I felt so drained. I spent some time out on the balcony this morning and I feel so amazing now.
Unfortunately, Lex is not that fast at healing. He's covered in cuts and bruises and has a few broken fingers.
I don't care about the stone at all. I just wanted Lex back. I don't even care about those guys at this point. I can find them later and pay
them back for what they did to us. I'm not worried.
Lex hasn't said much about what happened. He's been mostly quiet. I'm just glad he's back in one piece.
~
10:47 pm
Even all bruised
And beaten up, Pal is still the hottest thing ever in bed. Sex - how I missed you.
~
11:21 pm
Just a little more
It feels so good to be here, just the two of us, when there's nobody but us, and no interruptions. It's perfect. Lex is reserved even when I
pin him to the bed and give him everything his eyes plead for and he whispers words that disappear when we kiss.
I feel lucky that we've had so many chances. I lie in bed awake at night because most nights I can't sleep. I think about everything we've
gone through to get to where we are. I think about where we're headed. Things could have gone so much worse.
He was right. He knew it right from the moment he saw me on that riverbank. Our friendship will be the stuff of legend. I'm going to make
sure of that.
~
10:41 am
He's doing fine
And he looks damn fine in the collar and wrist restraints. He looks so damn fine in nothing, which is the state he's been in for the last
few days. He's almost all healed from his ordeal with those crazy people who tried to kill him. I didn't manage to get my hands on them, but
when I do, they'll regret ever going near me and what's mine.
I took measures to ensure that Pal wouldn't get into any more trouble. I think we both know what's best for him. I should have done this
right from the start. I knew how much trouble he always gets into. It's not really his fault. He's just that way.
All those times back in small town, when he'd find himself in a predicament... What would he do without me? I swear if it weren't for me,
he'd be long gone.
Today I made things more comfortable for him, so now he can move around the apartment without my supervision. He looks so hot like this. I
jumped him the second I put the cuffs on his wrists. The chain just makes it that much more kinky.
I don't think I have to remind him who's boss.
~
12:57 pm
Wow, he looks so amazing.
Chains can not break his spirit, but that wasn't my intention. I've become aware of something about myself. I love Lex tied up. I love him
at my mercy. His eyes watch me and they penetrate my very soul. It's like he's the one with special vision.
I've made him as comfortable as possible and told him many times that I'm only doing this for his own good. If he'd stopped getting into
trouble, then this drastic measure would never have been necessary. He understands. He still calls me Angel when he comes in my mouth.
He's asked for his freedom, but other than that he's mostly just been a good boy. I really wish I could trust him, but after what has
happened since he's been here, I can't. Besides, he looks damn hot.
~
08:09 am
We had such a great time
I know that most people would think the way I'm handling my disobedient boyfriend isn't exactly sensible. I don't really care. If you knew
how much trouble he always gets into, you might take just as drastic a measure as I have. He's so smug sometimes. He thinks that nothing
will hurt him. He thinks that I'll always be there to rescue his cute ass. I wish that were true. I won't always be there. I wasn't there
when he vanished. How could I have known where he was? He took off without a word. That's the kind of behavior I have to deal with all the
time from him.
He's great in bed and seriously the smartest person I've ever met, but sometimes he's just so stubborn which just makes it so much harder.
Right now he's asleep. He's lying on our bed in his boxers. He looks content in these moments when he's unguarded. He looks like an angel.
In my mind he's so perfect and yet so flawed. I never want to share him with the world again. He's mine and I intend to keep it that way. I
told him I'd think about letting him go. He tried to escape when I went out for food yesterday. I found him attempting to chip away at the
wall where the chain is attached. I wasn't angry. I was concerned, but we talked and I managed to convince him that everything is going to
be fine. He's safer with me. I will take good care of him and I will never let him down.
We ended up having some really awesome hot sex. I worship his body. I want to lick every inch of his bared skin; it's so beautiful and
tempting. I can't even look at him most times without getting excited. I told him how much he turns me on, because I thought that maybe he
tended to forget.
After the sex, we had a nice dinner and some wine. He mostly drank the wine and I watched. He calmed down and accepted things this way. He
looks so much happier with me here. He's got to know that I can protect him no matter what.
~
09:45 pm
Why did I go back there?
I have no idea. I went out today and while I was out I had to remove the ring. I decided to go see Mom and Dad. My things are all in boxes.
They're losing the farm. Mom was in tears and Dad was full of hope. I couldn't stay there any longer. Just as I was leaving I knocked over a
family picture and it crashed to the floor. Mom rushed up the stairs, calling my name. She sounded so desperate. I wasn't worried. I knew
there was no way they could catch up to me. I ran out to the far field and put the ring back on.
I'm home now. This is where I belong. Here with Lex. I love him and I want us to be together. If I go back there, that's not going to
happen. Jonathan will turn me into a work horse to get that farm back in order. There is no way I am going to return to that life.
I told Lex about what I overheard at the Kent farm. He suggested I help them without their knowledge, but I really think Jonathan needs to
learn to stand on his own two feet. He's treated me like farm equipment for way too long. I bet he wishes he was nicer to me.
Lex said something in his last post about me. I know it and I can't read the post. We made an agreement a long time ago to respect each
other's space. I'm not worried. Lex would never betray me.
Man, I need a shower so badly. I smell like farm.
~
07:52 am
If you love him set him free
Isn't that what they say? I feel weird this morning. I spent so much time last night just lying in bed pondering the last few weeks. Lex
slept well, despite everything that's happened to him. He's strong and one of the things that I love so much about him is how he manages to
always come out on top no matter what happens. Even when others would think he's lost, he never sees it that way. He always sees what he's
won.
I feel like he's finally started to realize that everything I did was for his own good. He never stops asking to be set free, but my concern
for his safety has not faltered. The world thinks he's dead. He is not safe out there where his father controls so much. I don't want him to
get hurt. When those crazy men tried to kill him over that stupid rock, I was furious. He was risking his life for nothing. It just wasn't
worth it.
I feel like maybe I could trust him if I did let him go, but I'm still not sure.
He looks fine now. He's still asleep, his body stretched out in a casual sprawl that is so sexy. I'm hard just looking at him. He's only
wearing my boxers. One arm hangs over the bed from the weight of the chain.
I just want what's best for him.
~
07:24 am
So What!
I reminded him that the world thinks he no longer exists. I reminded him that he needs to be careful. We both know it's not safe for him to
leave the apartment right now.
I broke the restraints. He's free. I'm not a monster. He looked at me with those eyes. They looked desolate, but when I looked closer, I saw
there was forgiveness in them.
I still say he looked hot like that, all chained up. Now he gets to wear clothes. He looks so much better naked. Right now he's asleep, and
his hand is resting on his bare chest. I never noticed how delicate his hands are. They're not girly or anything. They're just soft. He
hasn't done much manual labor in his life so that's probably why.
I could stare at him for hours, watch him breathe, touch his body and marvel at his reaction. Like right now he's hard. I should do
something about that.
~
09:36 pm
We had a great time last night
It was Lex's birthday yesterday. I know he thought I'd forgotten, but I never forget anything. I have a perfect memory. While he was in the
apartment otherwise occupied, I went out and got him a very nice expensive chain for his neck. Originally I was only going to get the chain,
but I saw this really nice tag and had it engraved.
He loved it and it looked great on him. Then we went for a long run after. I told him I'd do anything for him, and that was what he wanted,
so that's what we did.
We did have some amazing sex. There can never be too much of that.
Now he's gone. He went out late this afternoon to do some stuff, and he hasn't returned yet. I am not going to flip out, and I am not going
to go chase after him.
I'm going to sit here calmly and wait for him to call. He had better call.
~
11:14 am
Okay, so what do I do now?
Lex did not come back last night, and he's not here today. He's gone. I guess I was too much for him. I guess that must be it. I should have
left him tied up, because knowing him, he's probably in danger somewhere.
I suppose I could just give him the benefit of the doubt and wait some more. He could call right after I write this.
Really, it could happen. I'd go looking for him, except I already did and I didn't find any sign of him. I looked in a few places I thought
he might be, but he wasn't there. He better show up soon.
What do I do until then? Say I told you so?
~
05:52 pm
I was right
Pal has gotten into trouble again. It's my fault though. That prick Edge really pisses me off. He sent a goon to 'hire' me for a job. His
incentive - do the job by midnight tonight or your lover dies. I have the necklace I got him for his birthday. The bastard sent it to prove
they have him.
He told me that I have to meet with his boss for the details of the job he has for me. I couldn't just sit around doing nothing so I went to
look for Pal, but came up totally empty-handed. No matter who I beat up, nobody knew what I was talking about. Edge must have kept it very
need-to-know. I'm going to kick his old ass when I see him. If he hurts Pal in any way at all, there is going to be one fewer crime boss in
this city tonight.
I really didn't need a visit from an old friend. Lana stopped by just awhile ago to see me. Chloe told her where to find me. I know she did.
I guess I couldn't expect her to keep her mouth shut the whole summer. It's cool. I invited Lana up to my place. Actually, she invited
herself. She does stuff like that. She seems to think that everybody will do anything for her just because she's Lana. I don't care about
that right now. It was annoying that she called my parents while I was out of the room. I talked to Jonathan and told him to go to hell. I
won't be going home. They need to accept that. They need to move on. It's better this way.
I got rid of Lana. It's funny what a few well chosen gropes (she gets the cutest look in her eyes when you pinch her ass) and a kiss will
accomplish. I do have to give her credit for perseverance. She really wanted me to come back to
Smallville with her. She kept saying that people
missed me and that they loved me -- how they refuse to give up on me. Blah, blah, blah. So what. I have the most important person in my life
here. I had him here and I'll have him again.
I'm supposed to go meet him soon. As soon as I do this one thing for Edge and Lex is with me again, we're going to leave town and disappear
for a long time. We could use the change of scenery. I have gotten totally bored with this town.
~
07:46 am
I wish I could be happy
Yesterday, when I met with Edge, he said he knew all about my relationship with Lex, and that as long as I broke into Lionel's office and
took what was in his safe, nothing would happen to Lex. I was supposed to bring the tube I took from Lionel's safe to Edge last night at
midnight. Edge said he would kill Lex unless I showed up.
But I didn't make it. Lex is gone. I didn't get the package to Edge. I did get it, I still have it here with me, but last night Dad was
there waiting for me in Lionel Luthor's office. He had my strength and my powers. He broke the ring and the scar burned away from my chest.
The pain as it burned away was excruciating. I'm so glad it's finally gone.
Once the ring was removed, I felt so drained emotionally and physically. Dad could barely move. He looked really bad. I think whatever
happened to him took a huge toll on him. Dad and I came home late last night. I couldn't just leave him where he was. I just couldn't. After
everything he risked, I had to go home. I didn't say anything to Dad on the ride home. There wasn't anything to say. If Jor-El hadn't given
him those abilities to fight me, I might have killed him. He still looks bad this morning. He has some bruises that I can see. I can only
imagine the ones he hides. That fight we had should have killed him.
It was so good to see Mom, but the feelings of what had happened with her baby were still there. When she hugged me, I thought for sure I'd
feel better, but all I can feel was pain. They both said they never blamed me, but it's not that easy.
It was nice to have home cooking first thing this morning. Mom looked tired this morning, but she looked happy.
We're moving. At least my parents are. I don't know if I want to stay here. I want to go find Lex. He can't be dead. There's no way Edge
would have killed him the way he claimed he would. At least I hope he didn't kill him.
I treated Lex so badly, and now he might be gone. I might never see him again. I have the necklace that I bought him. I have to change the
tag. It's not right. None of this is right.
I should have been nicer to him. I should have told him that I loved him. I didn't even get a chance to do that before he went out.
Now I have to go pack. We have to move by the end of the month.
This is just so fucked up. I wish I was in the city with Lex and he was safe. I feel angry and frustrated and just plain mad. All of this
sucks. There's a part of me that wants to just run and find Lex, but then I'm too afraid of what I'll find if I do go after him. I don't
even know where to start looking. Edge hid him so well. If he does kill him, I'll make sure he never forgets who he messed with.
~
10:46 pm
It's so different to be back here.
I'm home. It's quiet now and my parents are in bed.
After everything I've been through, the sudden change of scenery is jarring. I was so used to the noise of the city and now here it's so
quiet. I spent most of today packing and getting things ready for the yard sale we're having tomorrow. We have too many things and they
won't fit wherever we're going. I'm not even sure I'll be going with my parents. I was honest with my dad. I told him that I might not stay.
I made him promise not to say anything to Mom. I don't want him to worry her unless I'm sure about my next move is.
I know I want to find Lex. I haven't heard anything from him yet. I called our old place and left a message to let him know where I was. I
hope he gets it. I still have all my stuff there. I have to use Mom's computer to go on line, but I'm being very careful to cover all my
tracks. I don't want her to know about this journal or what I've been up to.
The drugs are completely out of my system. At least I don't feel any side effect that I can tell. I haven't gone to see my friends yet. I
plan to go see Lana tomorrow and apologize to her for what I did. I know she was only trying to help. I have so many people to apologize to.
AJL should be the first one, but he's not here.
Pete stopped by today. I wish I could say it was nice to see him. It wasn't as though I hated to see him, but back in the city I could be
me. Pete doesn't even know I'm gay.
I have too many things to do before tomorrow and right now there's no way I can get any sleep, so I guess I'll have a lot of time on my
hands. Mom and Dad really are happy to have me back. At least I think they are. Mom keeps checking to make sure I'm really here and Dad
keeps asking me if I'm okay. It's kind of irritating. I know they missed me and I was gone for the last three months, but I wish they'd
leave me alone just for a few hours.
Right now, all I want is for Lex to walk through that door and smile and tell me that he's fine. I just want him to be safe. He has to be
okay or I don't know what I'll do.
~
Aug. 27th, 2005
09:43 pm
It happened!
I spent all morning running the yard sale, which was depressing because I ended up having to part with some of the things I never thought
I'd give up. The truth was, I didn't need those things anymore. I'm different now.
I took a break to go into town and apologize to Lana. She seemed to forgive me. I mean, she wasn't upset, just worried. I didn't deny it
when she guessed that I might not stay in town. I felt so bad for how I treated her. She didn't deserve that. All those things I did... I'm
never going to be able to apologize enough to Lex or Lana or Chloe for that matter. They all stood by me no matter how I behaved. I feel so
lucky to have such great friends.
After lunch, I continued to pack up the truck. It was so depressing, until he showed up. It was like seeing heaven when all I'd lived was
hell. He was so beautiful and I have to admit, I ran to him and held him in my arms. I didn't want to let go. I didn't care about anything
else but him at that moment. I was just so relieved to see him alive and healthy.
When we kissed, I swear, I thought I was going to explode. My heart was pounding so hard. I've never been so happy in my entire life to see
anybody. I didn't even care if anybody was watching. I just didn't care at all. Nothing else mattered.
I was almost sure that I'd decide to leave town, but now I'm not so sure. I'm going to wait to see what happens.
I am going to be so happy when things get back to normal.
~
12:19 pm
I do not want to be back here
These halls feel so foreign. School feels so strange. It isn't even because I haven't been in school all summer. I just don't feel like I
belong here. Every time I pass a girl, she smiles at me. When it first happened, it was at my locker. Deb, this girl who's never even talked
to me, said she loved my hair. Everybody in the school knows I ran away from home. I didn't say anything, hoping she'd just go away.
Unfortunately, that did not end the conversation. She wanted to know how it felt to live on my own. I was tempted to tell her I spent my
summer naked in bed with my boyfriend, but I just told her it had its moments, and then I said I needed to get to class.
I had a chance to talk to Chloe. She was way more forgiving than I thought she would be. I was pretty nasty to her over the summer. She's
such a great friend. It was so good to hug her and be forgiven.
Now I have to get to class.
~
06:09 pm
The second day back to school
It was almost painless. I mostly kept to myself. Pete keeps trying to get as much info about my summer as possible. I finally told him that
he wouldn't believe me even if I was hooked up to a lie detector. I did end up telling him about some of the run-ins I had with crime
bosses. He mostly wanted to know if I'd hooked up with any chicks. At least I could actually tell the truth with that one. I did kiss a few
girls. I left the rest up to his imagination, and by the look on his face he has quite the imagination.
Lex stopped by after school today. He gifted my parents with the deed to the farm. Bought and completely paid for. Dad actually took it! I
was a little shocked considering how much he'd been against Lex giving us any money in the past. My parents looked really happy and they
even accepted Lex as part of the family. Both my parents are now on our side. I better not tell them about the part where I tied Lex to my
bed. That might not go over too well.
I guess this means I'm staying right here. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Lex did bring my things from the apartment to me. I'm so happy to have my own laptop back. The other laptop I 'sort of bought' is under my
bed. I'm not sure what to do with it. I guess I'll just keep it. Lex said he took care of everything and made sure all my tracks were
covered. He's so amazing. I already miss my high speed internet.
I also gave him back his necklace, but that I did last night when I went home with him. We had an amazing time. It was the best kind of
reunion I could ever have hoped for. I'm really lucky he stood by me the whole time this past summer.
Now I just have to figure out what to do with these clothes I bought over the summer. There aren't many places I could wear leather in our
little town.
~
06:01 pm
Crap!
I just opened the tube I took from Lionel's safe. It's a small map with Kryptonian writing on it. I think it's about the stone.
Shit. How the hell did Lionel Luthor find this thing, and what the hell is he doing with it? Screw him.
I showed it to Dad and he said to just hide it. There is no way I am giving this back to Lionel or Edge, no matter what happens. They can
both go to hell.
I'm just going to go over to see Lex, and forget this thing even exists.
11:01 am
Just what I needed
Edge tracked me down to my home. He dropped in on me yesterday and threatened, in a very unsubtle way, to tell the
media where Lex really was all summer. This is bad. I can handle it, but it's really bad.
He wants the package I took from Lionel or else. I told him I don't have it, because there is no way I am going to let that prick control my
life. He totally pissed me off. I wanted to tear him a new one, but that would probably not be the best way to handle this whole thing.
Instead I did something really stupid; I ripped the door off his car. I was so mad. I know I shouldn't have done that, but it was that or
break him in half.
He said he'd be back and that if I didn't have his package, I'd regret it. I regret ever meeting him, so he's right about regretting
anything else that happens.
I laughed in his face when he threatened to tell Lionel about my true relationship with Lex. I guess I shouldn't have bragged that Lionel
already knows how much his son loves to play with my assets. Lex is probably going to be really mad at me. He went away on business for the
weekend, but there's no way I am going to get him involved in any of this. There's no way I'm going to let Edge use Lex again.
I would have been afraid of somebody like him a few years ago, but now Edge is definitely the least of my worries. I better ask Dad what he
thinks I should do. Maybe I should just give it back. It's not like they can read what it says or what it's about.
Now I know why Lionel was so fascinated with the caves. I always thought it was because they were connected to me. I thought it was because
of Lex. I guess I was wrong. Sometimes I wish I could just... but I can't think that way. Even if Lex doesn't exactly worship him, Lionel is
still his father.
This totally sucks. I didn't think that my return was going to be perfect and happy, but I really didn't need this. The other night when I
stopped by to see Lex, it was so nice. It almost felt like old times. We played pool and almost managed to finish a game before I pushed him
into the table and kissed him until he was incoherent. After that, we went up to his room and had the most amazing sex. It felt so good to
be equals in bed. When I was high it was nice too, but it wasn't like this. When I'm me, it feels more like we're both in control. I like it
better this way.
It doesn't matter because Lex is hot no matter what. He loves to be topped and I love to top. Life is perfect with him, now if only
everything else would fall into place. I think if he stays with me, life will never be calm.
~
09:42 pm
Now that was a homecoming
I spent almost all weekend unpacking and putting everything back where it belonged -- well sort of everything. Some of
my things went up to the loft instead of my room. I kind of like it way more out here than I do in my bedroom. Here in the loft I can be
completely alone. I don't have to feel like I need to talk to Mom and Dad all the time. I know I just got back, but it feels stifling having
them there all the time. I used to love it. I never felt like they were holding me back or making me feel like I was somehow penned in. Over
the summer, I had so much independence, and it's so hard to let that go. I want to be free all the time. I don't want to do chores or clean
my room or any of those things.
I definitely do not want to do my homework. It feels wrong, or I feel wrong. I sort of talked to Dad about it and he told me to give it
time. He was so understanding about some of the things I said. I didn't tell him that I sometimes wished I was back in the city, but he
knew. He said he could see it in my eyes that I wasn't quite comfortable with being back. He even asked if I regretted making the choice to
stay. I know I don't regret it. I just feel almost like a stranger. It's weird.
Lex finally came home today. I called him up and invited myself over. As soon as I saw him, I felt alive again. I'd spent the whole weekend
in an almost-bored haze, but seeing Lex with his smirk and that way he has of tilting his hips at me as if he's saying 'I dare you to jump
me now' I had to touch. I couldn't resist. I tried to make small talk. He said he had some unfinished business to clean up and that his
weekend was boring. He looked very happy to see me and when I pushed him up against the wall and kissed him hard, there was no way I was
going to wait even the few minutes it would have taken us to go up to his room. I stripped him naked and pulled him over to the sofa, got
down on my knees and sucked him until he came. Then I fucked him hard. I admit it was the best high ever. I love that feeling of frenzied
sexual release.
Fuck, what the hell is happening to me? I can't even be away from Lex for a few days without my hormones exploding into an embarrassing
almost-public display of heat.
I loved it.
After the wonderful orgasm where I came inside him and he grabbed handfuls of my hair, we collapsed in a sweaty heap on his furniture. I
didn't want to leave, but unfortunately we don't live together anymore. That's not so bad since he does live only a five-second run away.
I didn't bother taking a shower after I got home since I knew Dad wanted me to finish tonight's chores so he and Mom could get busy. I am
very sure that is what's happening right this second. I think I'm going to sleep out in the loft tonight.
~
09:44 pm
This is going to haunt me forever
It was too good to be true that I hadn't heard from Edge for a few days. Yesterday while Mom and Dad were out, he
showed up with a few stooges in tow. They weren't playing around this time. Somehow Edge found out about my weakness to the green rocks. He
showed up on the farm and threatened to hurt everybody close to me. When he pulled out that rock I was so stunned, I just told him where I
had the map. He didn't stop there. He said Lionel would be very interested in me so he duct-taped me up and his henchmen threw me in the
back of a truck. Luckily by the time the truck had stopped, I managed to break free and blow the truck up while I was in it, so Edge
probably thinks I'm dead. At least I hope so. I don't ever want to see him again.
I ran home and cleaned up before my parents found me in my dirty, shredded clothing. It was totally annoying. At least now I'm rid of that
stupid map and my life can go back to normal. Pete stopped by the other day and we went out to a movie. It was so nice to do something
simple. He talked nonstop about some girl he's been seeing. It's nice that some things never change. I declined to be set up on a blind
date. I almost said she just isn't my type unless she has balls, but Pete pulled out his usual 'Lana isn't going to date you' routine and I
let him do the rest.
Now I'm here in school in the Torch office. Chloe's been really quiet lately and not as available as usual. Every time I run into her she
tells me she has something urgent to take care of. Lana hasn't said much either. I'm sure things will get back to normal. Maybe I should
apologize again for the things I said and did to her.
~
01:12 pm
It will never be the same
I know things have changed. I'm the cause of some of those changes. I chained him to the bed, thinking at the time,
while under the influence of the red kryptonite, that I was doing the right thing. Sometimes late at night, I think about what I did. I
won't forget any of it as long as I live. Lex is scarred for life because of what I did. He stays with me and he looks into my eyes and I
see love and understanding and acceptance, but every once in a while I see something else. I see sadness and maybe a little fear.
He talked in his own journal about how late at night he feels the weight of the cuff and the chain. I wanted to ask him about it, but I
couldn't. I didn't want to hear him say it out loud. I don't want him to hurt anymore.
We had a great time the other night. He stopped by when I was doing chores and it almost felt like before. I almost felt like the summer had
never happened. I forgot for just a moment that any of those things had ever been a part of my life. I think it was the happiest I've felt
since I've returned from the city. I felt overjoyed when he showed up at the farm after I'd thought for sure that he was dead, but this was
different. I felt like the weight of the world was gone.
~
03:07 pm
Screw you, too
Dad and I had an argument last night. After dinner, I went out to do some of the chores. I even did his share so my
parents could have some alone time. I was in a good mood. To be honest, I wanted to be alone, and sometimes when I do chores with Dad, I
feel like he watches me way too closely. I don't know what the hell he's looking for.
For some reason, he came out after all, instead of staying in with Mom, and then he just stood there watching as I lifted the tractor to
move it to the side so I could sweep 'The fun stuff I love to do so much'. Suddenly out of the blue, he asks me about the ring. The ring I
wear everywhere I go. The one Lex gave me. I didn't lie. I told him where it was from and how I got it. This is totally my fault. I wasn't
thinking because I was too busy concentrating on dirt. Can I blame this one on dirt?
He voiced the opinion that he's not happy about my true relationship with Lex. I was stunned. I thought he'd finally accepted us, but it
seems like that isn't the case. He said I'm too young to know what I want, etc.: the usual bullshit. I tried to keep my temper in check.
There was shouting and I broke a shovel when I threw it into the wall. Dad wasn't impressed, but I didn't care about a stupid shovel.
I told him point blank that this is what I want and that Lex is who I want to be with. I told him that I would never change my mind. I'm
glad for what I said. I won't take it back and I don't care what he thinks.
This morning at breakfast he was quiet and Mom gave us both looks, so I know he didn't say anything to her. I just can't believe Dad is so
pigheaded. I was going to talk to him, but he made excuses and was out the door before I could say a word. I ran to school to burn off
energy. I wanted to fly away. I was so tempted. I did it once, I could try it again. I could take Lex away from all this.
On top of that, Pete gave me grief first thing. I told him to shut up and I just walked away. I haven't talked to him since, but I will
apologize for sure because it wasn't his fault. I was in a bad mood. I can't take that out on him. I feel so trapped.
I need to fly.
~
02:29 pm
This is unbelievable!
My parents told me this morning that because I ran away over the summer and because I'm at risk of running away again,
I have to go see a shrink! My first appointment is today after school. I was not happy to hear this first thing this morning. My parents
didn't tell me about it until today. Dad looked very unhappy about it and my parents were having an argument as I left for school this
morning.
I reassured Dad that I wouldn't tell some stranger my deepest, darkest secrets. It's not like I'd blurt out whom I'm dating and other stuff
Dad doesn't want people to know. We're a very private family. I've never liked to talk to anybody about my personal life. Now I have to go
meet some stranger and tell him all my secrets. No way. I am not going to do it. I'll go because Mom wants me to go, but there is no way I
am going to tell them why I ran away from home and what I did all summer.
I can just see it now. 'Yes doc, I tied my man up and fucked him really hard, repeatedly.'
Maybe I should have stayed in the city with Lex. He'd never make me go see some strange person. Mom wrote me a reminder note because I am
three. I have to go to the town medical center to see this doctor. I think I'll call them Dr. Noseybody.
On a much better note, yesterday I went to see Lex at his place. It felt so good to be with him. I have to admit, I couldn't keep my hands
off of him. We went up to his room and had the best sex. It's always so great with him. He's so great. He looked amazing.
When I got home and Dad asked where I had been, I told him I was with Lex up in his bedroom. I probably shouldn't have, but I was still
angry at him for what he'd said about Lex the other day. It shouldn't still be like this. He should be past all that.
I almost forgot to give Mom her present on Monday. It was her birthday, and Dad took her out to dinner. I don't have as much spending money
as I had over the summer *cough cough* so I could only afford to get her a 'Greatest mom in the world' mug. Lamest gift ever, but she said
she liked it. I also did all the chores that day and I plan to do them all weekend.
I had better get back to class. I am so tempted to make stuff up for this guy I'm seeing today. It would be kind of fun.
~
05:22 pm
First appointment over with
After school yesterday, I went to my very first counselor appointment. The first thing she did was ask me to sit down.
She had this file in front of her about me. I sneaked a look at it. All my encounters with the law were in the file. Even the accident on
the bridge was there.
She seemed really nice, but I told her point blank that I didn't plan on running away again any time soon. I told her I thought I didn't
need to be there. She still made me stay the full forty-five minutes. I have to go every Thursday after school and she said that everything
we talk about will be kept private.
Her office is small and she has all these books behind her desk. She even has a bowl of candy on top of her desk. I didn't really say much.
She asked me where I wanted to start, then suggested that I tell her why I ran away. What was I supposed to say to that? I was kind of in a
bad mood so I told her what my dad had said to me in the hospital after Mom lost the baby. I still can't forget his words and the way he
looked at me. She asked me all these questions about my dad. I didn't say much but I didn't lie.
I was so glad when it was over that I rushed out of there as fast as I could. I ran out to a field and sat alone for a few hours. I'm not
sure why. I just knew that if I went straight home, I would have blown up at my parents. They didn't do anything wrong, I just feel out of
place now. I haven't felt like I belong since I came home from my adventures in the city.
At least it's the weekend. Maybe something good will happen.
~
09:09 pm
What did they think?
That everything was going to be perfect once I was home? That I was going to pretend like nothing had ever happened?
That I could forget that the baby is dead because of what I did?
Sometimes it's hard to even look at my mom. I love my parents so much. They have sacrificed so much for me and for us as a family. I'm
trying so hard. At least I think I am. I realized that I spend most of my time since I've been home either at school, at the mansion with
Lex, or up in the loft. I still haven't really talked to Dad much this past week.
I went over last night to see Lex. Even when I go over there and we just sit together, I feel more comfortable with him than I do at home.
I probably need time. Everybody keeps saying give it time. Things will go back to normal. They're wrong. Nothing will ever go back to normal
because I am not normal! Nothing about me is normal. It never has been and it never will be.
Maybe I should just face that. Maybe I just need to accept who and what I am and move on.
~
12:54 pm
I am...
So bored! Class first thing this morning was so boring. I wished I'd stayed home to finish up some work for Dad. At
least then I would have gotten something semi-productive done. Since I don't have a car of my own (I miss that Lamborghini), Pete has been
giving me rides to school in the morning. He stopped in this morning to pick me up. I really appreciate that he's concerned about me. I
really appreciate that everybody is concerned about me, but it's getting tiresome very fast.
I want everybody to just go on with their lives and leave me alone. I just want to move forward. Why can't they believe me when I say I'm
fine? Pete isn't convinced. He thinks I need somebody nice in my life. I told him I'm fine with who I have. When he asked for specifics this
time I wanted to badly to tell him that I have Lex in ways he could never imagine, which is so true but I wasn't thinking sexually. I was
thinking about how loyal and supportive Lex has been through everything that's happened. I wish I could just tell Pete about Lex and be done
with it.
Maybe I will. I'm a little tired of him insisting that all I need is a nice girl to make me feel better. He even brought up Lana and said he
thought that things between Lana and Chloe are rocky. I think Pete's just making stuff up. Chloe and Lana looked just fine to me when I saw
them in the hallway this morning. Lana looks really good lately, as in happy good. I haven't had much time to talk at length to either of
them, but they both look content.
Mom and Dad are another story. I have to go see that lady again tomorrow. I'm already dreading it. This time I will just sit there and say
nothing. I have nothing to say. I wish Mom would back off on this. Can't she tell that all I want is just to be left alone? In the end I
know it's what she wants, so I'll do it for her, because I can't stand to see the sadness in her eyes. I really wish things were like they
used to be, but things change, people change -- I changed. I'm never going to be the same again.
Sometimes I go to the storm cellar and just sit and stare. Dad rebuilt it over the summer. He did a great job. I don't regret for one second
what I did to it, but the fallout has been harsher than I could have ever imagined. Consequences suck.
I can't wait to see Lex tonight. I am going over for dinner, not that I asked but I'm going to call right now to see if he's up for some
company. I miss him.
~
10:01 am
Last night
I ended up calling Lex from school to ask if he was up for some company, so we arranged a dinner date. When I finally
got home from school, Dad was busy doing some heavy work that I took over. I don't want him to hurt himself. He hasn't been the same since
he came after me in the city. I know he was hurt way more than he's willing to let on, and I think he might still be feeling the effects of
his super moment.
Once I was done with chores, I told my parents that I'd be having dinner with Lex. At least this time Dad did not give me the look -- the
one he used to give me whenever I talked about Lex.
I ran to the mansion, and we had the nicest dinner ever. I love to hear Lex talk about things. I didn't even care what he talked about as
long as he talked. He seems a bit wary about his dad, but then I don't blame him. After everything that's happened, I'm willing to bet he'll
keep a very close eye on the old man.
After dinner we went up to his private rooms. It's so nice to have that. I lost all that when I came back. My loft isn't exactly the most
private place and my bedroom is still a walk-in-whenever-I-feel-like-it zone as far as my parents are concerned. Not that they walk in on me
and stuff. It's just not as private as it was when I was living alone. I miss that so much. I miss being my own boss.
It was so relaxing to be with Lex. I am so glad that I told him about being an alien. I don't have to hide from him.
We had the most awesome, amazing sex. I felt so alive when I was inside him. Staring into his eyes made me feel so naked and exposed. I
don't even mean in a physical way. I can't even explain it. I felt like he could look into me and know me. It sounds so corny.
I was so relaxed after the most awesome orgasm ever that I slipped up and suggested that maybe I could tie him up. I instantly felt horrible
that I'd said it. At least he didn't freak or anything, not that I could imagine Lex freaking. He said maybe in the future, so it seems like
he might still be into that. I have to admit that I love it. I want to do it again. I have fantasies about it at night while I'm jerking
off.
We had sex a second time because after I brought up the bondage thing, I couldn't get it out of my head, so I fucked him again. He was
totally into it and when he came he called me angel. I used to hate that nickname but now when he says in private like that, it just makes
me feel good. Lex makes me feel good.
I didn't want to leave last night. Before, back in the city we could have just fallen asleep and woken up together, but I had to be home
because it was a school night.
Now I am at school and I don't want to be here. I want to go out running. I want to be doing anything else but this. I dread that I have to
go to see that lady today at five. Maybe I'll get a flat tire, which would be totally believable if I owned a car.
I have gym class next. Showing with a bunch of other guys will at least take some of the harsh from my day. I peek all the time because
dude, I just can't not peek. Naked guys.
~
09:52 pm
Head shrinking session two
Okay, so I went in thinking there was no way I was going to say a thing to her at all. Then somehow we end up talking
about whether I have a girlfriend or boyfriend. She actually asked if I have a boyfriend! She must have figured out that I'm gay. How could
she know? My parents didn't tell her much about my personal life. I asked Dad as soon as I walked in the door after I got back from seeing
my doctor if they'd told her I was gay. I was so angry. Dad said they'd never do anything to betray my personal life. So why are they making
me see this woman?
Of course I told her that I don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Then she started to ask me all these questions about how that makes me
feel. Since I lied about not having a significant other, I told her I felt just fine about it.
She totally knows that I am gay. She must. She didn't come out and say it, but she must know. There's no other explanation unless she was
fishing to find out if I was available for a date, but I'm pretty sure that dating between doctor and patient isn't allowed. Plus I am just
a kid. Not that I look like a kid, as Lex always tells me.
At least I survived another session, and went straight to my room after chastising my dad even though it turned out that he didn't tell her
about my sexual preference. If he had, it would be a whole lot easier.
Mom just came into my room to check on me. She brought me pie and a glass of milk. I feel bad that I freaked earlier, and I told her that
I'm fine with seeing the therapist. I want her to be happy. I even agreed to do the farmers' market with them this Saturday morning. It
means getting up very early, but so what? I haven't done that in a while. It could be kind of fun.
The pie was awesome.
~
11:22 pm
Market and suave boyfriends
I had a great time. Not only did I have to wake up early to get everything ready, which was cool, but I stood and
watched as my new doctor walked through the market place and then accidentally ran into Lex.
I say accidentally because it didn't look like an accident to me. It looked deliberate. It looked like she was there hoping to run into Lex
or maybe me. She did stop very briefly at our stand to say hello and even bought something to make it look like she was just there to make
some friendly neighborly purchases.
It couldn't have been a coincidence. There's no way. Does she suspect about me and Lex? I mean, the whole town knows that I am best friends
with Lex. They all know that I saved his life at that accident and she's been living in this town for a long time. I think her family has
lived here for a long time. I should probably investigate her. What if she's up to something? What if she's trying to get to Lex?
I sound way too paranoid, but I can't help it. She stopped and shook hands with Lex and they talked, but they were too far away for me to
hear what they were saying. Eventually it just drove me nuts so I went over to say hello. I was just being friendly. She wrapped things up
and told Lex it was nice meeting him. I didn't want to sound all paranoid with Lex, so I didn't say anything right there, but after the
things that his father has pulled, I don't know what to think.
Or maybe she was being nice and I'm just overreacting. It was still unnerving to see Lex and her talking. He was all suave and stuff. He was
even flirting with her. He does that all the time without even realizing it: flirts with some lady. It's cool. I don't mind that he flirts.
It's not like he's not allowed to now that we're together.
I went by the mansion tonight just to make sure he didn't think I was trying to be all jealous and stuff earlier in the day with the whole
interrupting of his conversation. He seemed fine. He kissed damn fine. I wanted to do it but we ended up just making out on the sofa in
front of the fire. It was nice. I still got really horny of course, but I can't think with my dick all the time. He's probably still a bit
sore from the other night anyway.
We kissed and groped each other then I popped some popcorn and we watched the fire. It felt good to just be comfortable together. I love
that we can relax like that. He looked a little lost in thought for a lot of the evening but I didn't mind. I loved just staring at him.
He's so gorgeous in firelight. I feel corny saying that about him, but his eyes glitter.
The farm is really quiet tonight. Mom and Dad are in the living room watch the news and reading the paper. They looked really happy today.
I'm glad I did the market with them. I told them I'd like to do it every weekend. I don't think I've seen Mom smile so happily in a long
time. It made me feel so loved. Maybe I'm finally starting to settle down and leave that guy I was in the city behind me.
~
12:41 pm
At least I know this day will get better
It's been a pretty good week so far. Things between my parents and me are great. Ever since the weekend, I've felt much
better. I think I'm finally starting to feel more like myself again. I am really looking forward to tonight because I'm going over to the
mansion to see Lex. He's been very busy over the last few days.
I just wish he wouldn't blame himself for everything that goes wrong in the world. It's not his fault that Feegan left. I may not have
talked to Feegan to confirm this