Author: GothGirl
Fandom: Smallville
Sequel/Series: Freak4ever's live journal
Pairing: Clark/Lex Lex/other
Rating: Adult content
Category: angst, alternate universe, drama, established relationship, episode related,
Notes: spoiler for season one and two. Thanks to Lola, Alee and jfc for beta and catching mistakes. 154,000 words.
Feedback: Yes please that would be very nice.
Disclaimer: DC Comics, Warner Brothers, Tollin/Robbins and Millar/Gough Ink own Smallville and its characters. I am
just playing.
Summary: Clark Kent gets a live journal.
Related Links
Freak4ever Pretty Things Smallville Diaries Goth_Clark Tabloidboy Info
1:15p - My New Year's Eve
It was really nice. I had
a good time, even though Whitney bugged me about Lana. I can't go anywhere near
Lana
without Whitney thinking I'm making a move on her. This time he reminded me I'm not
her type. I was nice and didn't remind him that neither is he. She asked me to
go easy on him. I told her I would.
My resolution is to be nicer to people. Looking back, I guess I could have
treated some people better. I never thought I was a mean person but Lex must
think I am. He talks about the bad things I thought of him and how much it hurt
him to hear me say that stuff. I also privately vow to let him be. He's
obviously happy with Bruce and I would never want to hurt them. I'm just not that
kind of person. I couldn't do it to Lana when she was with Whitney so I certainly won't
do it to Lex.
At least I got a kiss on the cheek from Lana. We had a talk that was kind of
embarrassing. She needed to talk to somebody about her and Chloe. They did it on
Christmas day. I didn't really know what to say. Our conversation was just so
nice. I still look at her sometimes and just wish she did like me that
way. But I know it's never going to happen.
My dad is actually going to make me work today. I can't believe he won't give me
a day off. After I'm done with the chores, I think I'll stop by the mansion to
see if Mr. K would like to play some pool. I don't know if he plays. I guess I
could ask him. If he says no maybe we could do something else, unless he's busy
of course.
It's only a few more days before Lex comes back. I vow that I am going to be a
better person, and a better friend to him. He deserves so much and I thought
about it a lot. I think it's great that Bruce is there with him. It means Lex won't
ever be alone. I don't ever want him to be alone. I know how it feels to be
alone and it isn't nice.
~
10:55p - Some things aren't worth worrying about
Not that what I put in the
title has anything to do with what I'm writing tonight.
I feel sort of lost today. I had an okay day, worked hard, and got to talk to
Lana
on the phone. She asked me if I would go shopping with her and Chloe. I agreed to
go with them so that is what I will be doing tomorrow. Maybe it'll do me some
good to get out. Dad and mom said it would be cool if I slacked off a little and
did that for the better part of the day.
I went by the mansion to hang out with Mr. K. He's pretty cool: really polite. I
think mom would like him.
We played pool and he was good. I didn't beat him once, but that's cool. I
wasn't really doing it to win, more to just have somebody to hang with. He's
strange very different than other guys I'm used to. I get the feeling he might
like guys that way. He didn't say it but I just have this feeling, which
is cool. I may ask him a few things if I get up the nerve.
I did get up the nerve to ask him if Lex had called the mansion at all to check
in. He said that Lex hadn't called to his knowledge. I guess he would know since
he is the head of the security.
~
12:07a - shopping for new stuff
Never let your female
friends take you shopping. Not that I don't appreciate what Chloe and Lana were
trying to do. I did really. I followed them around and smiled at all the
clothing suggestions. I know I went way out of my way to make sure that I showed
them I was all for what they were doing.
They tired me out! I think I went to every single store in the mall that sold
clothing for men. Some of the suggestions were just ridiculous but I tried them
on anyway. I just couldn't bear to see the look in either of their eyes if I
said no. I tried to say no the first time and learned my lesson.
So now I own a new pair of pants which I desperately needed and a new dark red
long sleeved dress shirt. I needed new shoes so I picked up a pair of nice dress
shoes.
He's back. I'm not sure when he arrived. I called at four but he wasn't home
yet. (unless he was and they didn't tell me.) He posted in his journal so I know he's
around. He says some things about me that I can't get out of my head.
He didn't mention my calls so I have no idea if he heard any of them. I think he
would mention them since I called every day. Maybe that was too much. Maybe I
should back off.
I have so much work to do tomorrow. Dad couldn't get anything done since he had
to go over to the next county all day to find a part for the stupid tractor. I
hate that thing.
I guess I'll wait until Lex calls me. He's probably going to need time to
recover. I hate my life.
~
9:53a -
My phone messages turned
him on! I am so happy right now. I am off to do a million trillion chores, and
then I am going over to the mansion ASAP to be with him. Even if I can't touch
and I can't be close to him I know that it will be so great. I love him a
million times more now than ever. He's the most awesome thing in the world.
The tractor is broken again and on top of that dad won't get the part until next
week. Stupid tractor! It means I'll have to do the chores that I can by hand.
That could take forever.
Lex LOVES ME!!!!!
~
10:44p - Trapped
My dad decided, out of the
blue after I spent the whole day doing all his chores and mine, that we would be
staying in for a family night. I finally excused myself after sitting with my
mom and dad in front of the TV for a few hours. I told them I had homework to
do. I don't but I just didn't want to hang out with my parents. Plus I was ready
to punch my dad out. He was driving me insane.
I called Lex. He was really tired. I told him I wanted to come by but I couldn't
so I would see him when I did deliveries tomorrow. He was happy to hear from me.
I didn't ask about Bruce or that woman. He said he's alone in the mansion tonight.
I wish I could be there with him. I thought about sneaking out but mom said
she'd be checking on me every once in a while.
Something weird is going on. I have no idea why mom and dad are acting strange.
First they want me to stay in for a 'family night' and now mom keeps checking on
me.
She just left after the third time checking. Apparently my dad is sorry he
yelled at me. Jerk. He should tell me that himself. I'm just real mad at him
right now so anything I say is just heat of the moment. I know that but I just
needed to vent somewhere that wouldn't get anybody hurt. I already smashed a few
things in the barn. I'll probably regret it in the morning, but for now I'll
just burn energy a different way.
~
10:04p - lies and pain
Something's wrong. I am so tired. I've never been this tired before. I was hit
by lightning today on the class trip. Eric almost fell off the dam and when I
pulled him up, I felt weak and so drained. I also burned my hand. I didn't tell
mom and dad about it because I didn't want to worry them, but I have no idea
what to do. My shoulder is sore and all my muscles ache.
On top of that Lana was wearing her meteor necklace today at school. I hate the
meteors so much. I wish they didn't hurt me.
I read Lex's last few posts again. God it hurts so much to read when he talks
about my lies. I wish I didn't need to lie to him. I wish things were different.
to trust him through all the lies. Because of all the lies. The lies are
surely for both of our benefit, right? To protect us both. I am what I am and
perhaps there are some things I shouldn't know.
I want to cry every time I read this. I feel helpless and lost and like I should
just leave him alone. So that way I won't have to spew lies when ever we talk
about my special-ness. He hasn't brought the accident up in a long time but
obviously he isn't going to forget it any time soon. I feel so tired. I wish I
could go over there right this second and just tell him. Damn the consequences.
Damn my parents. Sometimes I hate them for making me lie the way I do, but I
know why I have to do it. I still hate it.
The fear that they might be hurt because they've hidden me all these years. The
fear that somebody would kill them for what they did. Sometimes it's more than I
can bear. I never talk to anybody about how much all of the lies hurt and how
much I am terrified by all of it. Sometimes I wish they'd never found me.
Sometimes I wish I'd never come here and destroyed so many lives.
I have to get to bed now. I am so tired.
~
10:18a - Lex
I did the deliveries yesterday and got a chance to see Lex. He was asleep on his
desk when I got there. It was pure joy to see him. I had to restrain myself from
just grabbing him and holding him in my arms.
I woke him up so we could talk for a few minutes. It wasn't much of a
conversation but it was great to be near him. He sat far away from me on the
sofa which I took to mean 'hands off.' He was so tired. I wanted to take it away
and make it better.
He told me how much he liked the phone calls. It made me feel so warm inside.
After that I was a little excited. It was hard not to want to just grab him and
hold him in my arms. He looked so vulnerable. I ached to be close to him. I know
I said I was going to leave him alone, since he is with somebody, but when I'm
near him it's so hard to keep to that. I think I did a good job of it yesterday.
Lex actually said that I make love sound simple. I don't know how he can say
that. It's one of the hardest things to understand. For one thing, I know how I
feel about him but I still have these feelings sometimes for Lana. I think
that's just me wishing for a normalcy that I know deep down will never be. I
know she will never feel that way about me but I can't help it.
He said he'd take me Italy one day.
~
10:51p - Tired
I'm so exhausted tonight.
I'm not super anymore. Mom thinks it might have something to do with the
lightning strike. I spent all morning doing chores. I have never known what it's
like to hurt but today I do. I can't imagine being this way all the time! I want
my abilities back! I always wished I was like everybody else but after tonight,
I just want to be me.
Gym class hurt, and after all that, I had to go home to do more chores. They
took almost three hours! I was still doing them when Lex stopped by. It was not
a great visit.
He confronted me about the accident. I was so tired and so unset, that I told
him off. I feel bad about it. Once I went inside I realized that if my abilities
are really gone for good, which mom and dad seem to think is the case, I am just
a guy. There will never be anything special about me again.
I gave him a hammer and told him to hit me with it. I knew he wouldn't do it. I
was just so frustrated and angry at him, at me, at the fact that, right when he
confronts me about this, I actually am telling the truth. I'm just a guy.
Nothing more. Nothing super. So why do I feel like crying? Why do I feel like
when I finally get the one thing I have dreamed about all my life it's nothing
but a nightmare?
I wish I could pick more than one mood because right now I feel so confused,
tired, angry, frustrated, and other things. I need to crash so bad it hurts.
I think I'll take a long hot shower before I go to bed. I'm interested to find
out if jerking off is any different now. I'll think about the fantasy where Lex
comes to me in my own bed and makes love to me right there in my bed. I can
pretend he weakens me and I am totally powerless before him. I love that one.
It's making me hard just writing about it.
I'm back from the shower. It isn't exactly the same. But it still rocks. I wish
I could find out if sex is different. Not that I've done more than receive a
blow job. Which I think about every single night before I go to bed. I will
never forget that. Of course all those times Lex and I did stuff are
unforgettable.
Note to self: When mad just think about sex with Lex. Add horny to mood.
~
11:04p - I give up
I am so tired and even
after taking a nap I still feel like I am falling apart.
It took me forever to do my chores. I had to skip out on my friends for two days
now. I have to get home right after class. Speaking of which, I passed out in
class today. It was so embarrassing. I drooled on my notes.
Lex and I had a fight. Sort of. He won't let this one thing alone and last night
he brought it up again. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much but I'm
so confused by all of this. I feel like just giving up. I feel like telling him
everything now since it won't matter anymore. That's the thing, it doesn't
matter. I'm just me and he's never going to accept that.
Mr. K pulled me into his office to tell me that Lex drank himself into a stupor
last night. Like I don't have enough guilt already. It's eating me up inside to
know that he does this to himself. Mr. K said he found Lex lying on the floor of
his office. He had broken a bottle and was sprawled in the glass. I thought for
sure he'd done something to himself, again, like the last time. If he had I
wouldn't have been there to stop him. I don't even want to think about that.
I was so tired I almost passed out over at the mansion. I know what Mr. K said
made sense. I need to think about what to do. If my new condition is permanent I
guess it won't make any difference.
I hate this. I don't think I can stand it much longer. I just know something is
going to explode.
~
8:12p - lost abilities found in Eric.
When I saw Lana today she was wearing her meteor necklace. I never realized how
beautiful the meteor rocks are. I'm usually in agony when I go near them. But
when I saw that necklace I couldn't take my eyes off it. Lana seemed very
understanding about my dorkiness around her. I have to tell her that it had
nothing to do with her. I just need to come up with a believable lie.
That's the only good thing about losing my abilities. No more pain around the
rocks. Of course it also means pain with everything else.
I got to play basketball with other boys today. It was the first time I could do
it and even though Pete and I lost, it was one of the best times I have ever
had. I loved it. I wish it could be this way all the time; if only for the
normalcy.
I think dad is happy I'm not super anymore. I'm not sure if it's because it's
something he knows I have wished for or if it's because it's something he's
wished for. I know deep down that dad hates my alien-ness. I know he loves me
but so many times I can tell he wishes things weren't so hard. Wishes he didn't
have to deal with the weirdness I bring into their lives.
I don't blame him one bit. I hate it too. I wonder how he would feel if I told
him I would give anything to be me again.
~
8:14p - Harden to the reality that dad is not always right.
My parents are the most
wonderful people in the world. I know if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be who I
am today. I know that their moral sense is one of the things that helps to guide
me.
There is one thing I do really hate, and that has been bothering me so much
lately. I always put it in the back of my mind because if I think about it I
will have to deal with it and I will have to admit that my dad is wrong. That's
my dad's attitude toward Lex. Whenever I bring up his name, dad gets this look
on his face. I tried to get him to explain it, but whenever I do he just brushes
me off. I hate that on this one thing that matters to me more than anything
else, my dad is so wrong. He can't think that I don't see his opinion of Lex as
bias. I just don't get it.
I try to understand but the truth is plain: dad just hates Lex because of his
last name. He won't bother to know him because then he would have to admit that
an L can be nice and can be a good person worthy of his time.
I know one thing for sure, no matter what dad says I will always make up my own
mind about people. That is one thing dad taught me, and I think I learned the
lesson well. Not perfect but I am learning more every day, from people like Lex.
He's made me open my eyes to so many things. And made me realize that the world
isn't simple no matter how much I wish it was. That is one thing that makes me
love him so much.
~
10:03a - All these years of hiding
I thought I had to hide what I am. I thought I had to be careful. Now here he is
with my abilities and the whole town thinks he's a hero. I am resentful. I can't
help it.
I wish I could go back and change everything. Dad says that people seem fine
with him now. I guess he thinks they'll turn on him.
Chloe seems taken with him. She was all tongue tied when he stopped in the hall
to thank her for writing the article about him. It was so ironic. When I pointed
that maybe Eric needs to be more careful, Chloe turned to me and says that as
soon as I start acting like Eric she would start writing nice things about me. I
think I'd rather not have that happen.
Last night Bruce stopped by. It was so nice to have somebody to talk to about
this and about Lex. I told him I haven't even gotten used to being normal. I
just can't deal with other stuff right now. Even if I was still 'super' I
couldn't deal with what Lex said. I mean I only found out a few months ago that
I am not even human! I hate it! It's not fair. How am I expected to just spill
what I am like that when I can't deal with it? I couldn't handle having to deal
with another person knowing and with still trying to sort it out in my own mind.
I can see what it is about Bruce that attracts Lex. He's just there; a warm soft
presence that doesn't judge and doesn't accuse. I'm glad he knows. Though it
still makes me nervous, it really doesn't matter any more. I am normal now and
as far as I can tell that isn't going to change. I feel like the weight of the
world has been lifted off my shoulders.
Bruce suggested I try to help Eric. My fear is that Eric won't treat what he has
with respect. That he'll be casual about it and I know he can't be that way. He
could hurt people so easily. I never forget all the times that I broke things.
The reason I could never have a dog for a pet. The times that I just forgot my
strength. It's so easy to hurt people. I am sure that I bruised mom and dad a
few times before I finally realized I just can't be too careful.
I gave Bruce a hug last night because he really seemed to need one. I wonder if
Lex is neglecting him. I can admit it here that I think I could easily fall for
Bruce. He's got something. He seems lost and I have to stifle my urge to help
him. Last night I had to stop myself from thinking thoughts I know I shouldn't
have. He's Lex's whatever, but I just couldn't help it. I wanted to get close to
him. I will never tell a single soul
~
5:11p - Hurt and in love
I'm about to go to Lana to ask her for her necklace. I figure Eric has my weakness
since he has my abilities.
I tried to stop him from hurting people, and got my ass kicked. Now I am going
after him and maybe I won't be back. This might be the last time I write in
here.
I ended up in the hospital, and Lex stopped by to see me. I was much nastier to
him than he deserved, but my ribs are cracked and I have a head injury so I
blame that.
I just wasn't in the mood but it was so nice to have him care enough to check on
me. He didn't just stop by and check on me, he kissed me when we went back to
get my things. God, I never wanted it to stop! I wanted him to hold me and take
control forever. I wanted to taste his warm, soft, pliant lips on mine forever.
I just wanted. I've never felt so much desire for anybody in my life.
He stopped it, and I wanted to force him to stay in my arms that way to keep
kissing me.
It was so different. I was hard instantly. I have never felt so wonderful, so
lost, so desperate for time to stand still.
I may never see him again. If I don't come back alive I guess nobody will see
this and nobody will know what I felt. I have to tell Lex how I feel, but I
won't get the chance if I die.
When this is over, I am going over to the mansion and I am telling him I love
him with all my heart. I wish I'd told him at the hospital. Maybe I should leave
a note or send him an e-mail.
~
10:47p - It
I'm back to normal. Well,
normal for me at least. Which feels wonderful. No more being tired and no more
pain. Of course it's nice to be me again.
Anyway, as soon as I could I called Lex to see if I could go over to talk. I
need to tell him how I feel so badly. He said he was tired and resting. I know
he's finished whatever business he had with that lady he was with. Maybe I
should go over without calling. I want to see him. I think I will go for a run
later. I haven't been able to in what seems like forever.
I miss him so much. Just hearing his voice for a few minutes makes me miss him
even more. I can't deny it; I am totally in love with him. I think about him so
much.
~
12:51a - Blah!
Lex was too busy to see me
again today. So I pretty much did nothing except mope as my mom said. She and
dad did some stuff in town and then came back.
I promised myself I would write in this every single day but I missed Sunday so
here I am writing about how much I miss Lex. I want to type his full name. I
could just post private but what ever.
Totally bored here. Can you tell? Again I say whatever. I thought about calling
Chloe and asking if we could hang like we used to before all this stupidness
happened. I realized I'm not as comfortable around her and Lana as I told her I
would be. It isn't even about them both being girls. It's about me being lonely.
I just can't stand to see them so happy. It's so rude and selfish of me to think
this but I can't help it. I promised another thing once about this journal, I
promised I would be as honest as I could.
I don't want to be near them when they are being all close. I think for now I
will just be in public with them. I don't want to tell them this because then I
will hurt Chloe's feelings more than I know I already have. Sometimes people think
I'm clueless but I'm not. I know things haven't been the greatest between us.
She helps me out when I need it, as long as it's something not personal.
I guess I had more to say than I thought.
~
10:50p - Unbearable
My lies will destroy everything I have ever worked for and everything I have
ever loved.
It would have been better for this world if I had never come here.
~
11:40p - days I just wish would go away
Who cares anymore? Why do I even bother? I had the worst day at school today. It
ticks me off that I can't even talk to Lana without Whitney's friends cornering me and
telling me to back off of her. If they knew what the real truth was...
I would never tell, but I confronted Whitney. I told him to tell his buddies to leave
me alone or I wouldn't be responsible for what happens. He just said sure and
walked away without even bugging me like he usually does.
I went to see Lex since today is delivery day. Either he really was tired or I
bored him to death. He seems so out of it. I wanted to wait until he brought up
the kiss in the hospital but he didn't so I eventually did. He said he needed
it. I grabbed him and kissed him. I don't really care right now if I get
chastised or what ever. He didn't get a chance to kiss back so it really wasn't
a kiss anyway.
I tried to get him to play some pool but he wasn't into it. Then I tried to talk
to him but he just seemed so ... lost. It's weird. I've never seen him this way
before. I think it's my fault. I mean, I know it is.
He told me his dad slept with that woman who stayed with him. The one he was
doing business with. I already knew but hearing it out loud, it just made me
want to hold him forever.
I love him so much. I told him so and then felt bad because I know he has Bruce. I
shouldn't be throwing myself at Lex like that. But I just can't help it.
I am so lost about what to do. Maybe some sleep will help.
I got a call from Lana tonight. She was worried about me. She said she was afraid
she wouldn't see me again. I guess I laid it on pretty thick when I asked to
borrow the necklace. It's nice to know that she cares. She invited me to hang
with her and Chloe tomorrow night. It'll be a nice change of pace.
~
1:16a - ?!?!@#
I just had to tell her. I
feel so much better now that Chloe knows about some of the things I've gone through
with Lex. I needed for her to know. I went over to hang with her and Lana but I
didn't' want to go alone so I invited Pete to come along. Chloe wasn't thrilled but
when I explained it to her, she understood completely. It feels so good to be
honest for a change. I just didn't want to sound like a jerk after I told her it
was cool for her and Lana to kiss in front of me, and now I'm telling her that
maybe it's not okay.
I wanted to tell her all about Lex and what has happened between us since the
first day I met him. I wanted to spill my guts, but I probably would have died
of embarrassment on the spot. Since I doubt she would want the details of that
blow job I relive every night.
I itched to called Lex all day today he was so upset yesterday. I just want to
be near him so I can help. How I just don't know.
Almost incoherent right now I am so tired. I think it might have something to do
with the fact that I haven't been sleeping well. I'm so worried about Lex. Is it
dumb to dream that I want to just hold him in my arms?
~
12:03a - Not sure I can take it any more
I noticed Lex hasn't updated his journal in a few days. I know things aren't great
with him. When I went over today to do the deliveries, he wasn't taking any
visitors. Not even me. He's never refused to see me, ever. Even when he's been
to busy to see anybody else he always makes time for me.
When I got home I thought I would check out his journal to see if he'd maybe written
about what was bothering him. It says he made some posts but they are friends
only so I can't see them. I guess they must be pretty bad. I wonder what would
make him post friends locked. He seems to not be afraid to talk about things
that I would lock in private posts.
My mom is calling.
Lex is single again.
~
12:22a - f@*# rocks
I hate those damn rocks! Why it is every time I turn around some jerk is trying
to kill somebody I love? Sometime I just wish I could find every last rock and
bury them in a huge, deep, dark hole.
Jeff came back. Who knows how long he's been in town. He attacked me and he had
meteor rocks on him. How did he figure it out? How could he have known they hurt
me? Only mom and dad know about that.
It was so hard watching him drag Lex away just a few feet from me. The pain from
those fucking rocks - I hate it! Lex was hurt and I couldn't help him.
He's all alone in the mansion now. Bruce stopped by on his way out of town to
let me know Lex is all mine. He asked me to take care of him and to go to him. I
almost abandoned Bruce right there on the spot and ran right over to the
mansion.
After everything that happened tonight Lex probably needs some rest. I want to
run over and just make sure he's fine. Make sure he's still there. Plus now that
Bruce dumped him he must be hurting. Maybe that's what was bugging him all week?
It could have been. He's seemed so lifeless. I think back now on the times I did
see him and I realize something is so wrong with him. I feel so stupid for not
noticing it sooner. He's hurting and I know what I have to do. I have to go see
him tomorrow. And this time, I won't take no for an answer.
I'm going to call Feegan after school and explain to him what I want to do. I
just want to make sure Lex is okay. I need to know that he's okay.
I had to take a shower while I was at the mansion since I got some of that oil
meteor stuff on my skin. It made me sick I thought I would throw up. Luckily
Feegan loaned me new clothes. I lost my favorite shirt, which sucks. Feegan
drove me home since Lex was still too out of it to even talk to me. Feegan
thought I had an allergic reaction to the oil which was so convenient. I am
still feeling a little out of it from the meteor exposure. It was the longest
I've ever been exposed to them. Even after I was away from them, I still felt
ill.
It's weird to know that something here, right next door, right around Lana's
neck, could kill me.
I guess I can die after all.
~
10:47a - dreams suck
Last night I had the weirdest dream.
I think it must have been because of what happened last night. I was sitting in
my loft and Lex stopped by. He sat down beside me and put his hand on my knee
then he told me he wants to be with just me. We start to kiss but then he freaks
out and pushes me away and starts to scream that I am nothing but a liar.
Then I was in the house and mom and dad were telling me that they lied to me
that the ship was a joke and I am not an alien after all.
When I woke up I was floating above my bed again. I crashed as soon as I
realized what was happening.
My dreams suck almost as much as my life.
I really need to go see Lex. As soon as school is out I am running to the
mansion.
~
10:39a - Hate is a four letter word.
God, when Lex said he seems to attract the freaks, it was all I could to not
just run out of the mansion and never look back.
He's bald because of me; he's attacked all the time by those meteor freaks that
are created thanks to those happy little rocks I brought with me when I crashed.
I hate those fucking rocks so much.
Everybody would be so much better off with out them, maybe even without me.
~
11:02a - Never make friends with freak
I suck as a friend and all the proof I need is the way I treated Chloe. I should
have told her all along. The truth is I don't even know why I didn't tell her. I
have thought about it and all the reasons I come up with suck. I suck. I have to
make it up to her somehow. Any suggestions would be more than welcome.
I tried to talk to her yesterday before going over to see Lex. It didn't go
well. I deserved the treatment I got. I know I did. I want so badly to go back
in time and change that one night when she confided in me. I wish I had told
her, but I guess like my dad says; if wishes were horses, or something like
that.
I did manage to see Lex last night. He makes me forget anything is wrong in the
world. He makes me feel like I can do anything.
I was in such a bad mood after the fight with Chloe. I really tried to hide it.
I guess that is another thing I suck at.
It was so good to be near him. I wanted to be in his arms the minute I walked in
the door. The conversation was so hard. I told him that on his way out of town
Bruce stopped by the farm to say good bye and to tell me to go to Lex and to take
care of him. Lex seemed depressed at the thought that BW thought that he needed
to be taken care of at all. He said we both must have a pretty low opinion of
his abilities to fend for himself. I tried to tell him that wasn't true. I
didn't really know what to say.
Then I sort of crawled into his lap. I couldn't help it. I needed him so badly.
I needed the contact so badly, but mostly I needed somebody to show me that I am
worth being.
I don't know what it is but lately I just feel so lost and alone and just hurt
all the time.
I am not going to screw it up this time. I'm going to accept everything he tells
me. I trust him. He's proven himself more times and in more ways than I can
count.
I kissed him and this time it felt so amazing; nobody to stand in our way,
nobody to stop us but us. He asked me what I want so I told him I want us to be
an us again. I want to be with him from now on. Maybe forever. It could happen.
Mom says a good relationship doesn't just happen. You have to work on it. I am
so determined to make it work.
He wants me to give him time and I will. What he doesn't get and what I realized
this morning after I jerked off to thoughts of him is I would wait forever.
I am so screwed. I have to think all of this through and then maybe talk to my
mom about it in a vague sort of what if way.
So now I am going to keep my cool. Stay near him but not in his face and wait
until he's ready for more. He did kiss me back and hold me, so that's a start.
I just hope I've matured enough for both our sakes. I really don't want to hurt
him ever again. I know that is an impossible task. But I am so determined to try
that I think it shows on my face.
~
10:33p - If only tonight I could
Change the things I've done. But we all say that. Instead I am being given a
second chance and I am so grateful for it. I went by to see Lex last night. He's
so amazing. We just sat and held each other. I almost fell asleep in his arms,
but only for a few minutes. I wanted to be aware of everything that happened. I
didn't want to miss out on a thing. He was so beautiful with his eyes closed and
his mouth loose. It seemed to beg me to kiss it. So I did. I crawled onto him
and kissed him and pressed onto him. I was so hard and so anxious.
I already know he wrote about what happened in his journal. I didn't realize he
wanted me to be the one to stop it. I wanted whatever he would give me right
then. I wasn't afraid and I don't know why. I just knew that in my heart I could
trust him to do the right thing. Maybe that's why I said okay when he told me he
wanted me. I would have done anything at that moment to make him happy. I need
it; he needs it.
He asked if I was worried about him hurting me again. I'm way more worried that
I'll hurt him. I'm way more worried that something I say or do will make him
look at me in that wounded way he has. It's so painful to see.
After we decided to take it slow we made popcorn and cuddled while watching a
movie. I didn't even care what the movie was. All I cared about was that we were
together. So for now I will be there for him, and let things take there natural
course.
~
12:12a - Failure isn't an option
I failed Chloe tonight. We
were at the mansion to do the interview with Lex and something happened. These
guys came out of nowhere and attacked us. Chloe was thrown out a window. She fell
three stories. I heard her scream but I couldn't make it in time. I tried. I
really did.
I screamed for help and Lex came running. He called an ambulance, and Lex and I
followed her in his car. He dropped me off at the hospital and went back to the
mansion to deal with the police. It turns out he was robbed.
I stayed with Chloe as long as I could. She looked so bad. Her pretty face got all
bruised and it makes me choke up when I imagine it. I called her father as soon
as we made it to the hospital. Lana was over at her place, waiting for her to come
back from the interview. Needless to say she came as fast as she could, to be by
Chloe's side.
Why didn't I save her? She could have died and I would have failed her. Lana is
with her now. I stayed as long as I could. She asked if she should call my mom
and dad to come get me, but I told her to call Lex. I wasn't really thinking
straight. All I could do was stare at Chloe as she lay on the hospital bed and wish
I'd gotten to her in time.
I didn't say much on the ride back to my place. Lex reassured me things would be
okay and dropped me off. I was so grateful that he knew I just didn't want to
talk right then. He knows me so well some times.
~
10:47a - Lex likes to make out like a teenager
Chloe hasn't woken up yet. I am so frantic with worry, What if something really bad
happens to her? What if's ... suck.
I feel like I failed her and that feeling isn't going away no matter how many
people tell me it's not my fault. It hurts to see her all helpless. The thought
that she could have died and I couldn't have saved her.
I am trying to concentrate on other things; like finding the jerks that hurt
her. Lex said he will make sure they are punished when they're caught. For a
second just the way he said it made me worried that he would do something
illegal. He's as upset as I am about what happened I can tell. I just worry that
he might try to take the law into his own hands. He didn't tell the police about
the stuff that they stole. I have to wonder why he wouldn't tell them. I have to
wonder if he's hiding something. In the end though, I trust him to do the right
thing. I feel a little guilty that I even thought these things even if it was
for a second.
Even with all this going on Lex and I managed to find time to 'make out.' I was
pretty surprised but it's as far as he wants to go right now. I guess I'll still
be jerking off for a while yet. I don't mind because it means he has committed
himself to us. I am so excited about that. I know the other night I was ready to
let him do whatever he wanted to me, but I'm grateful he stopped it. I'm not
ready for more so to have him want to take things slow is so romantic, and it
makes me feel very special. If I wasn't somebody he intended to be with for a
long time he would have just dived in and gotten it over with.
I can't get over the fact that he wants to just make out with me. I smile every
time I think about it. I also get hard but then that's not new.
~
9:28p - I need a distraction
I thought this would be a great way to keep track of some sites I found while
researching safe sex. That way I can go back to them and mom won't find them.
I wonder if Lex wants me on top or if he wants me on the bottom. I'm not even
sure I could ask him that without combusting into a big ball of fire. Bottom
looks painful but maybe if I'm on the bottom I won't hurt him. My strength could
be a problem since when I have an orgasm I have to make sure not to grab things.
I've ripped a few sheets that way.
I won't forget what Lex looked like under that guy from a few months ago. I know
what it looks like. I've looked at the pictures. It looks like a strange angle
but I think I would want us to be facing each other.
I wonder if that's what he would like.
~
10:19p - worried
I think I saw one of the
guys who robbed the mansion today. I was picking up a microwave for my mom and
while I was trying to talk to Whitney, this rude guy interrupted us. He had a
tattoo on his arm that was green. I'm not sure what to do about it. I have to
investigate.
Chloe is still not awake. I want to find those guys and . . . Well I can't say it
here. Mr. K stopped by to apologize for failing Chloe and me. I tried to tell him
it's not his fault. I hope he doesn't lose his job over it. I mean the guys
appeared out of nowhere. How are you supposed to fight that?
I'm really worried about Chloe so to take my mind off it, I did some research. I
made a private post with links that I don't want my mom or dad to find. It's
amazing what you can find on line. You can find information about almost
everything. I've never done things like put on a condom although one site
suggests you wear one even when you jerk off so the mess is less. I need to get
some supplies, but there is no way I am buying them here in town. I will have to
drive far away.
I know Lex has asked that for now we just take it slow, but I want to be ready
for when he wants to do more. I couldn't figure out what he needed me to do
since he had to spell it out for me. I kind of feel like a dope not knowing, but
I guess I figured since he's older and knows more and has done it he
would know what to do. I want to wait to ask him about it. I know eventually we
will have to have the safe sex talk. My parents already talked to me about
condoms and that kind of stuff. I still have the condoms they gave me a while
back. It's not like I've had any chances to use them.
Who knows when I will? It's weird because I know I can wait but at the same time
it drives me nuts to be near him. He's so sexy. You have no idea. When he walks
he does this thing with his hips that make me want to grab and just do things
I've never even thought about before.
~
11:17p - challenges
Chloe is awake. I was so
happy to see her awake, and as plucky as ever. I told her I was so sorry for
letting her get hurt, and like everybody else, she told me it wasn't my fault.
She told me the guy who grabbed her has a tattoo. The guy I saw has one. I
looked into it and discovered that Whitney's new friend is a failed athlete.
I was afraid something bad would happen so I called Lana and told her what her
'boyfriend' wouldn't. He lost his scholarship and didn't tell her. He's really
being a jerk. I get that he feels trapped, I feel trapped too sometimes.
Especially with this town being what it is. I just wish for Lana's sake he would
treat her better. Let her know what's happening to him. I know I would treat her
so much better if she was my girlfriend. Not that I want to go there at all
anymore.
I noticed when I saw him today he had a tattoo. I'm really worried.
So Lana talked to Lex about not tearing down the Talon since he bought the old
theatre that Lana's aunt used to own. It's a nice place but it really needs to be
fixed up. She told me he shot her down, which doesn't surprise me. I mean he's a
business man. I thought maybe I would talk to him about it, see what he has in
mind. I know he was just trying to challenge her since he does that a lot. It's
one of the things I love about him. He's been challenging me since the first
time we met.
I want to go see him. I used to just run there late at night but I haven't done
that for a long time. If we weren't taking things slow I would run there right
now. But it's late and he's probably asleep by now.
~
11:58p - huh?!
My angel, on the other hand, knows how to convince me of things. And, you
know, I suspect that he knows that he has that power. That ought to bother me, I
suppose, but it doesn't. Strangely, I find myself rather proud of him.
I have no idea why he would say this. I've never convinced him of anything. Have
I? I mean, I've asked him for help. I was thinking of asking him to help out
Lana with the Talon. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just let her do it on her
own.
He thinks about my age. I think about his too. He's older has done more has been
places. I've never even left Smallville unless you count the fact that I was
hurtled through the galaxy in a space ship. Sometimes when I'm around him I feel
awkward, but then he talks to me like I'm his equal and I feel special. He's
everything I want.
~
8:18p - Meh!
I felt the effects of the meteor rocks again when I was near the guys. It
freaking hurt. Stupid Rocks. I'm pretty sure they could kill me if I stay in
contact with them for too long. I wish I could get out of this town.
~
8:20p - What to do.
I'm not sure what to do.
Whitney is in bad with those guys. They tried to hurt Lex tonight. I stepped in
just in time, but I was so surprised to see Whitney there. I just can't believe
he'd do this. Lex said that if Whitney had anything to do with the break-in then
that's his fault and he'd have to be dealt with. I agree, but I don't think
Whitney did. I don't believe that he would hurt anybody intentionally.
Those guys were going to hurt Lex. He said they blackmailed him, and he was
trying to deal with them in his own way. It's funny at one point he asked if I
was wondering if my dad was right about him, but the truth is I was wondering if
he was going to be okay. I don't care why he did it, I was worried that these
guys were going to hurt him or worse kill him. I don't think I could stand that.
It's so weird with Whitney. I've never met anybody who hates me so much. At
first I thought it was over the whole Lana thing, but now I think it's more than
that. I'm not sure what. He has everything. So what if he suffered a setback.
Everybody does. I know all about setbacks. He seems so bitter. I understand
bitterness.
Whitney has always been somebody who hardly ever paid attention to me until that
night when I had a talk with his girlfriend. That's what led to the scarecrow
thing. I still think about that every once in a while. The words they teased me
with, the words Whitney teased me with. He called me a loser and a suck-up. One
of the other guys called me a fag, and I remember Whitney sneering at that.
Now it seems even sillier. Lana isn't even his girlfriend. That crack I made to
him about not being able to keep her was way out of line. I don't usually do
that. I wish I could take it back.
I made a promise. I told Lana I would deal with Whitney, and I know Lex will
follow through with making him pay, but I'm going to do whatever I can to make
sure Whitney doesn't get in any more trouble. Whitney's not a bad guy, he's just
feeling a little lost right now. I thought a lot about why I told Lana I'd help. I
know it's mostly so she won't have to worry about him. Even if they aren't
dating, she still cares about Whitney. It's in her eyes when she talks about
him.
I understand since I still care about her.
I might talk to her about this. I know she really has something serious with
Chloe.
Maybe Lana's not admitting how much she still cares about Whitney.
Lex drove me back to the truck after I stopped those guys from hurting him. I
was so afraid they'd hurt him badly, but he seemed fine. We made out in the car
before he dropped me off. It was so nice. I felt like taking him home with me so
nobody could hurt him again. I felt like climbing into his lap and staying
there. I know he probably would have let me.
He let me pull his shirt up and get underneath so I could touch skin. He didn't
complain when I licked his nipples. It felt amazing. I think he mumbled
something about second base, which is so cute. I'd never say that out loud of
course.
It was nice to touch and have permission. It felt so illicit, and the fact that
somebody could have caught us made my heart pound in my chest. There was a very
tiny chance of that mind you, since the streets are dead after eight.
I've never felt so anxious to touch, and to be with him before. It was like no
matter how much I kissed; no matter how much I touched it wasn't enough to
satisfy.
~
8:12p - Pain sucks
I am not surprised that Chloe
figured out how the guys were pulling off their walking though walls trick.
She's always been so good at these things.
We caught the guys who hurt Chloe which made me so happy. Whitney is fine too. He
told Lana everything and she called me. We went to get Lex's thing back that the
guys took, since I knew it was important to him. When Whitney told me the guys
were planning on killing Lex I almost flipped. I was right about them trying to
do worse. It really bothers me that people always seem to want to hurt him.
But everything is okay now and Lex is safe. I'll have to thank Whitney for
having the courage to step forward with what he did. He really screwed up but he
was willing to take responsibility for what he did. I hope he can work through
his problems.
The coolest part was Lex coming to our rescue for a change. I though for sure I
was in way more trouble than I'd ever been in before. Here Whitney and I were
trapped by these guys. One of them actually shoved his arm in my chest. It
sounds weird but that's what happened. Something in the tattoo ink made them
able to walk through things. It really hurt. A lot!
~
8:59p - making out in a Porsche
Two days in a row now I have managed to get Lex to make out in his car. I have
to say, a Porsche is not the best car to make out in.
I stuck to all his rules; no clothes off, just touching over clothes and lots of
rubbing. I felt brave so I touched him on the leg as he was driving. When my
hand moved down to his cock, he decided it was safer to pull over so we could
continue our activity.
I made him come in his pants. He seemed pretty happy about it. I read about
things you can do to somebody. Things like rubbing them in certain spots. I
managed to get his shirt open. We kissed for a long time. I think I must be
getting better at it. I'm learning what he likes, and it's so much fun. I love
to touch him, to kiss him, to do all these intimate things without taking our
clothes off.
~
9:15p - yumm!!
Talk about instant hard on. I just tried to write a post the way Lex would about
sex but I'm pretty sure it's nothing like Lex's sexy posts. They are just the
most awesome. Like this from his last post -
Now I've fucked in a car. Been fucked on one. But this is totally
different, tender and tangible and so hot it makes me giddy. Hotter still for
keeping it so innocent.
Not that I'd mind him fucking me on the hood of my car.
I don't think I could type that word, in quite that way. I feel dirty just
thinking it in my head. He wants me to be on top. Although I personally don't
really want to do that on the hood of a car. I would rather have it be in a bed.
Something romantic. With soft sheets and low light. I feel so silly thinking
this about him. He's a guy and on top of that he's obviously had way more
experienced lovers. Like Bruce. He knows what to do to make Lex happy in bed.
I have to learn what to do for him. This is really making me hard. I think about
Lex and I get hard. It's real embarrassing since it happens when ever. Even at
the coffee shop. At school, at the dinner table the other night.
I got to practice pinching his nipples. Since I am so strong, I need to figure
out how much pressure to use. I think I did okay. He moaned a lot but never
yelled that it was too hard. I want to practice that some more.
~
9:00p - He let her have the Talon
He actually said yes to
Lana's plan. I'm so happy for Lana. She really wants this. I plan on helping her get
the place ready over the next few weeks.
In the best news of the day, Chloe has finally been released from the hospital.
She's doing much better; back to her old self. It was so cute to see her all
gung-ho to get back into reporter mode. I saw the look Lana gave her as we stood
outside the Talon. It was really adorable, although I sensed something when
Chloe
asked about Whitney. She seemed nervous or something not sure what it was.
In not so good news, Lex fired Mr. K. which totally sucks since he's a cool guy,
and I mean those guys who robbed the mansion could walk through the
walls. They could go through pretty much anything including my chest. Which I
didn't really go into detail about since it sounds real gross. It was totally
gross. So I can't see why Lex would fire him when no matter who was on duty the
robbers would have gotten in.
I'm going to talk to Lex about this. I just think it's so unfair. Plus I was
making a friend of Mr. K. He's so nice. I should have asked him for his number.
I like how he can talk on my level and never once condescend to me, even when he
talked to me about serious things: the most serious being Lex. I haven't had a
chance to try out some of those cool things he
suggested. I might go over after I take a shower. I've been in the field all day
setting fence posts and I stink. I need a major shower, which I guess is the
same as a normal shower.
I'm off to shower first, and then I'm going to the loft. The stars are really
nice tonight. From there I plan on calling Lex to see if he's too busy to play a
friendly game of pool. :
~
9:12a - sigh
Last night I went by the
mansion. Lex was relaxing by the fire. We decided to have a quiet evening. It
was so nice, and no pressure at all. We talked quietly about silly things that I
would have thought were boring to him. He told me I needed to be more careful in
the future. It turns out he saw that guy shove his arm in my chest. It must have
been real frightening to see that. But Lex just casually asked that I be more
careful and kissed me so gently I felt so loved. It was the most wonderful
feeling in the world.
I called him my hero because he is. He's already saved me a few times now, and
nobody else ever has. It feels great. I already said that. I guess I feel like
saying it over and over again. :)
I explored his neck and the whole time we never once removed clothing, nor did I
venture under his shirt. I just wanted it to be sweet and wonderful.
I only have to wonder how long he'll be satisfied with just this before he wants
and demands more. I realize I'm just not ready for more right now. I want to
have 'the talk' with him but I am way too embarrassed to bring it up. Like he
said, there is plenty of time. Oh and I blushed so hard when I asked if we're
officially dating. He said sure so I called him my boyfriend. I have to admit,
it will be nice to be able to talk in front of Lana and Chloe about my boyfriend.
I have so much work to do today. I am not going to be a farmer when I grow up.
Dad is yelling at me to get my lazy butt out of bed.
~
9:23a - darn
Sometimes I am so happy about things and then reality comes crashing down on me.
If I can't tell Lex the truth about my heritage, at this point I am so
terrified, I don't know how I'll do it, how will we ever be able to have a
lasting relationship like the one my mom and dad have?
This is only going to end badly if I can't tell him.
He said in his journal that he wants more but that he can wait. I hope that's
true. I realized last night that I am really enjoying this slow pace he's asked
for. I'm going to tell him that point blank today.
That is at least one thing I can be truthful with him on. It makes me feel so
much better knowing this. He also said he's so glad I gave him a second chance.
I can't believe Lex Luthor, one of the richest men in the country, wants me. A
poor farmer nobody.
~
1:37a - normal farm day
And really I am so glad. I needed a normal day just to relax and be me.
I called Mr. K on the cell phone number he gave me. I think Lex's dad answered.
I was very glad he handed the phone over to Mr. K fast. I invited Mr. K over for
dinner. Mom told me I could when I asked. I want to get to know him better. He
seems like such a nice guy and I was hoping to see if I could figure out if he's
into guys. I can't tell. I don't really know what to look for.
Mr. K said he's still working for L the company that hired him. He also said
he's working close with Lex's dad. I'm glad he got another job. I was worried
that he would be in trouble.
I didn't get to see Lex today but that's cool. I thought about him all day. He's
so wonderful. The kind things he says to me; about me. I just can't believe he
feels that way about me.
I am so glad he thinks we have a chance this time around.
More later, need to run off the Froot Loops I ate.
~
11:59p - So busy today
And for the rest of the
week. I just got back from the mansion. I was so happy to see Lex. He looked
great. We met up at the Talon, which is the place he gave Lana to fix up as a
coffee house. Lana, Chloe, Pete and I went there after classes and cleaned up a
bit, looked around and assessed the work load. Of course Pete and I did all the
heavy lifting.
Lex picked me up and we went back to the mansion to 'make out' and other things.
I talked to him about Mr. K, but it didn't go well. He doesn't like Mr. K. I
didn't realize this. I kept it to myself that Mr. K is going to be coming over
for dinner on Wednesday. I mean I can have who ever I want as a friend, right?
I wonder if he knows Mr. K is now working closely with his father.
So Lex and I ended up making out again on the sofa which was awesome. He is the
most amazing kisser, and he has this mouth that makes me blush when he licks it.
I had to change my shorts (kid you not) he was so hot. Oh and he looks so yummy
in a suit. I tried a few things even though we were fully clothed the whole
time. I wasn't able to control myself for long. It took an embarrassingly short
time for me to come.
He liked the things I did to him so now I have a catalogue in my brain about
what he likes.
Tonight his kisses where very passionate, and very aggressive. I wonder if it's
because we had just talked about Mr. K. He told me I should be careful or he
might start getting jealous. I liked the aggressive kissing. I found, though,
that I have to concentrate more; be more careful. This is great because I need
the practice. I had to resist the urge to just kiss him until his lips were
bruised. He gets me so excited. I have never felt this way near anybody else
before. So out of control; so aware, so desperate to touch and be touched.
When he pushed me into the sofa and climbed on me I went crazy. I wanted to rip
his clothes off and just do things to him. I don't even know what but I'm sure
Lex could have shown me. I have a neck thing for sure. When he kissed me there I
almost threw us off the sofa. He even bit me lightly on the neck. Yummy.
I love it when he takes control. I want him to take control. I didn't really
know this about myself until now. I suspected it, but wow, he proved it to me.
~
7:32a - Up and around
I had to get up really
early to finish fixing a fence in the far field for dad. I thought I would get
some thoughts down while I waited for breakfast.
I spent most of yesterday afternoon helping out at the Talon. That place needs a
good cleaning. I can help for a little while today but then I have to get home,
do the deliveries, and help mom with dinner. I told her I'd help since Mr. K is
my guest. I've really only had my friend Pete over for dinner before so this is
something knew.
I really wish I could easily invite Lex. If it wouldn't make my dad suspicious,
if it wouldn't trigger mom's alarms, if my dad didn't have the attitude he has,
(which grates like you wouldn't believe. Half the time I have to just walk away
and pound something into the ground before I give something away that would get
both of us into trouble. I want to scream it to the sky what I know about Lex. I
want the whole world to know that he is the best thing ever. I could go on and
on. )
I had a talk with Lana about Whitney. I'm worried about that whole situation. I
don't want any of the people involved to get hurt. I mean there is Chloe to
consider. I know they are committed to each other but still somebody is going to
be hurt badly, I can just tell.
In turn, Lana asked me about Lex and what is happening over there. I realized that
I hadn't actually come out and said to anybody that Lex and I are dating. It
sounds so strange to say out loud. I mean he's so mature compared to me and on
top of that he runs a business that employs half the town.
She also asked if his intentions are good intentions. I have no doubt in my mind
that we are going to make it work this time around. My mom always says that you
have to work hard to make a good relationship a success. I plan on working as
hard as I can, which is not to say I won't make mistakes along the way. I known
I will. I'll even bet right now that I will make the most mistakes out of the
two of us.
Maybe if I hurry I will actually catch the bus to school. Mom's calling me to
breakfast. It smells great. I think she made pancakes.
~
8:56p - Trust
Trust issues. When he finds out I've been lying to him all along about the
accident, about what I am, he'll hate me forever.
I am so afraid to tell him. Most of the times, I just don't think about it. I
pretend I'm just a normal human boy and that there isn't anything weird about
me. But then something happens, like I get anxious and grab Lex's arm too hard.
Ever since I discovered I had strength above normal I've wanted nothing more
than to be just a guy. I am so scared that one day I'll hurt Lex badly. Most of
the times, I keep my hands to myself.
I probably bruised his arm.
~
9:09p - Lex is so awesome
I'll tell you why.
Dinner went well considering Mr. K actually brought a bottle of wine that was
sent by Lex's dad. Of course my father wouldn't touch it. My mom was much more
polite. She had a glass. I didn't ask for any, because I knew mom and dad would
say no.
Mr. K is a really nice guy. He's very personable and seemed right at home with
my parents. Dad smiled and warmed up to him when he heard that he was no longer
working for Lex. I nudged him under the table to signal he shouldn't tell dad
where he's working now.
After dessert I showed him my telescope in the loft. There was a little meteor
shower to show him and he seemed impressed. I'm sure he was just being polite.
As we talked, Lex showed up. I was confused as to why he had stopped by since I
didn't expect him. At first he seemed really mad and made accusations about what
was happening. He was furious with Mr. K but I managed to convince him to stay.
He almost left. I'm still not sure what happened. I think he thought his father
had set things up but there was nothing set up. I invited Mr. K over.
I wasn't mad that he was jealous. I was mostly just confused. I don't like
playing games since I have no idea how to. I'm pretty much a 'what you see is
what you get guy.' I hate leading people on, but I can get confused about what
the right thing to do should be. I'm sure I didn't lead Mr. K on and I know he
didn't have an ulterior motive. No matter what either of us said, Lex wouldn't
believe it so Mr. K left us alone to talk it out.
We talked and everything is fine. He stayed for a while after to 'make out'
which was nice and sort of made my heart pound in my chest because the fact that
my mom and dad where just in the house was terrifying.
I told him that whatever he wants I'll do. I want him to feel comfortable and
safe and know that I am never going to hurt him. He just doesn't do trust well.
He didn't out rightly forbid me to stop being Mr. K's friend. He would never do
that.
~
9:52a - Hmmm
My mom is the best. She
always makes me feel better about anything no matter what it is. She talked to
me about some things last night that are related to my fears about hurting Lex.
She told me she trusted that I would never hurt him. I know I never would
deliberately, but what if it's an accident? I can't help but remember all the
reasons while I was growing up why I had to keep my hands to myself. If I think
about it too much, I start to feel sick.
Last night made me do a lot of thinking. I called Mr. K because all the things
Lex insinuated were bugging me. I needed to know that he hadn't actually used me
like that. Mr. K reassured me that he would never hurt me or Lex on purpose. He
isn't into games, and refuses to play them. I was so glad to hear that. It was
really bugging me.
I really think he cares about Lex's wellbeing. The only thing that bothers me
but of course this is not my business to ask or even think about (the thought
made my brain explode) is what exactly Mr. K does for Mr. Big (Lex's dad). Lex
implied that it was something of a (I can't even type it. The thought is just
too gross. I mean the guy is my boyfriend's dad).
Okay, now that my brain has gone there twice in one day it's time to stop.
I want Lex to feel safe with me, with us. I want him never to have to feel like
he has to question my trust. I love him so much it hurt to think that he's grown
up never able to count on anybody enough. He said it was his baggage but it's
mine too. I gladly take it on. I mean I love all of him, but I guess this is the
part where we look under the hood and see what the world has done to us. I have
things that maybe he has no clue about. I know they will be revealed over time.
I love the idea that we will learn about each other over time like this. It's a
wonderful thought. Especially since nobody I have ever know has ever wanted to
know me this way.
~
11:48a - He's going away
I spent yesterday working my heart out. I don't mind at all. I love to have
something to keep my mind off things. Although being a jack for dad can be a
little demeaning. I still like to be useful since I am the only one who can lift
the tractor.
So Lex is going away for the weekend, which totally sucks since I was going to
ask if we could do something real romantic. I invited him to come by the Talon
today and asked him to dress down. In his LJ he just posted that he will wear
jeans! I have never seen him in anything else but dress clothes, not that he
doesn't look hot in those. I love how he looks no matter what he wears.
I also love how he writes about wanting to touch me and be close to me and do
things to me. I think when I get up the nerve I will ask what some of those
things are. He replied to my comment with this
With my angel, I trust him implicitly. I know that in some ways he is a
more private person than one would suspect at first. I don't need him to tell me
everything. I was just...caught up in my father's game, and not seeing things
from the right perspective. My angel and I, that's what matters.
It makes me feel so much better knowing that he doesn't mind me not telling him
everything.
I mean I could just see it 'by the way Lex I'm from outer space. Hope you don't
mind.'
My stomach just flipped even writing that, and not in a good way.
Even though thinking about this let alone writing about it terrifies me, it
feels good to be able to get things off my chest.
~
10:36p - Caught in the act
Well, now I know what
being caught making out feels like. Today Lex stopped by the Talon dressed down
in what was probably a very expensive pair of jeans. They looked amazing on him.
I wasn't alone of course since I was there to help Lana and Chloe, whose arm is
healing nicely, with more of the heavy work.
I wanted to show him how much we've already done since he gave her the green
light. He seemed impressed. When I was sure we were alone, I pulled him aside
and started a make out session. I felt just like at my parents; my heart was
pounding and my body tingled all over. It was amazing.
Lex got his legs around my waist and had his hands in my hair when we heard a
crashing behind us. I almost dropped him when I realized that somebody else was
in the room with us. I turned around with Lex sort of behind me, to find that
Chloe
has walked in on us.
It seems so funny now but when I was there it was mortifying. I had no idea what
to do or say. Lex did. I followed him out to the main area where Chloe and Lana were
obviously talking about us. I didn't really say much except to confirm that Lex
and I are officially dating. Chloe seemed angry though I'm really not sure why.
Some times I can't figure her out.
After a few words were exchanged, Lex and I left.
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
12:08a - Yuck!
I spent most of today over
at the coffee shop helping Lana move some heavy things. Lana asked me to help clear
some of the junk in this apartment on the second floor. She wants to surprise
Chloe. I think it's cute that Lana is making a love nest for them.
Chloe showed up late in the afternoon so I had to stop clearing out the room and
come down. Lana just made up something about a utility closet. Chloe gave me only one
suspicious look and then things seemed fine.
Lana spent most of the time making sure Chloe didn't do anything at all, since her
arm is still healing, which was fine since I had no trouble doing the work. They
are really cute together. Of course seeing them together only reminded me that
Lex is out of town. I really miss him. He's been gone too long. I want him back.
Okay, so I am pouting. So he's only been gone for a few days. Lana kind of noticed
that I was all 'mopey' as she put it. This is the first time I've ever dated so
I had no idea how I would feel about him being gone. I have to get used to it
since he is a business man, but it still sucks.
I'm in a crummy mood tonight for more reasons than that. When I tried to call my
friend Pete, he totally brushed me off and made up what I knew was a lame excuse
for not wanting to hang out.
Way worse is the fact that dad is in a bad mood, too. My dad has a little bit of
a temper and sometimes he flies off the handle easy. He'd never taken it out on
us, but for some reason he is not in a happy place right now. When I asked what
was up and if I could help he just told me it was none of my concern. I can wait
for him to talk to me so I don't mind if he brushes me off. I just hope he and
mom didn't have a fight. Mom's not talking so I have no idea.
~
12:10a - Another day in small town
I went straight to the
Talon after class today since I promised Lana I would help her some more. I
dragged Pete along so that we could at least spend some time together. He rushed
off as soon as he could. I haven't asked him yet what's wrong. I'm hoping he'll
tell me in time.
Mom did the deliveries today since Lana needed me. Not much really happening to
me. School, work, chores etc.
It's strange. I can't remember ever missing somebody as much as I miss Lex. When
he went away at Christmas I missed him but that was different, back then he
wasn't my boyfriend. It's so cool to call him that. Every time I type it I get
this thrill.
I think when he gets back I'll invite him over to just hang out, or do something
nice. I'm not sure what. It's too cold to do stargazing but maybe we could do
something else. I'll have to think something up.
He said he'd be back some time tomorrow. This time I didn't call him every day
since our situation is way different. I have some homework to do before I get to
bed.
Ooh but cherry pie for dessert. So that's good.
~
12:08a - Love and the truth
He told me he's in love with me. IN love: not just loves me but is in love with
me. Me, a poor nobody from nowhere. I can't even verbalize how this makes me
feel. I'm at a loss.
I told him I'm pretty sure I feel the same way. I just don't know how to tell. I
had a crush on Lana all while growing up. That was one-sided. I never knew what it
was like to have somebody return the feelings. It's so different. I feel
overwhelmed. I tried to tell him what knowing him means to me. I hear his name
and my heart speeds up. I see him and I want the rest of the world to go away so
I can hold him in my arms.
I went to Metropolis earlier in the day to talk to Mr. K about last Wednesday. I
wasn't sure what I was going to say to him, but I had to do something. It's been
bothering me all week. We had a nice talk and then went for a coffee. He's a
really nice guy. I found out his dad died when he was young. We talked about Lex
and the relationship he has with his father. No matter how hard I try I just
don't get it.
I got up the nerve to ask if he likes guys and he said yes. Then I asked what
sex was like with a guy. It was so stupid. I wish I hadn't asked. I excused
myself after that. He dropped me off the bus stop and I checked my cell to see
if anybody had called. That was when I saw the call from Lex.
I told Lex what I did and he seemed not so much upset as saddened. He told me he
wishes I would believe him over Mr. K. I mean Mr. K has told me he didn't set me
up. Lex thinks otherwise. I don't know what to think. I'm confused. I know Mr. K
works for Lex's dad and for Lex this makes him untrustworthy. But everything in
me tells me Mr. K is trustworthy.
I think I did something wrong tonight. I asked Lex if he wants me to stop
talking to Mr. K. He said it wasn't that. I don't know what it was. I asked if
it was jealousy but he said no. I felt so clueless. I felt lost and way out of
my league.
What if he sends me away because of that? He could decide it's not worth it;
that I'm not worth it.
~
10:53a - wondering
Maybe I shouldn't have asked Mr. K to talk to Mr. Big about Lex. I look back and
I can't even believe I did it. I asked if he could maybe talk to Lex's dad about
not being so mean to his son.
Lex is right. I am so naive. I just have all this hope that people will always
make the right choice that they are, deep down inside, really not mean and
hurtful.
I like to always believe the best in people.
Is it naive of me to think that maybe he might listen?
I really need help with this one. I feel so out of my league and so out of my
depth. And scared.
~
12:52a - I'm going on a trip
This has been a hard day. At least emotionally it has for me. I don't really
know how to take this. Bruce called mom today. He asked her if it would be all
right for me to go to his hometown with Lex. Somehow he managed to convince mom
that it's a good idea. Of course she just spent the last hour drilling the rules
into my head.
She also called Lex and talked to him about the rules. Which aren't bad, just
standard things like: in bed by midnight, call every day, no alcohol, and if I
am going to stay out late, I have to call her to let her know why. That's not
too bad. I'm still in shock that she's letting me go at all. She even got dad to
agree. She said we can trust Bruce and it would be good for me to get away and go
somewhere else.
I wonder if Lex is really going to take me to museums and stuff like he told my
mom. That wouldn't be too bad I guess.
I haven't answered the comments but I promise I will. Thank you for the advice.
It was very good advice. I did the deliveries today and walked into Lex's office
while he was on the phone with Mr. K. They were talking about me. I can't
believe Mr. K actually told Lex about what I asked him to do. I was going to
tell Lex about it today, but Mr. K beat me to it. I felt so out of my depth,
like I said, but I understand now what Lex was trying to say. I get that he
knows what he's dealing with when it comes to his dad. He doesn't want me stuck
in the middle of something.
I want to do something to make things easier for Lex. I want him to be happy. I
wish I could. I just feel so helpless in this. It really annoys me when I tell
him how special he is to me and he puts himself down. He acts like he's not
worth it. He's the one with everything to offer. He could have anybody, anything
but he wants me. That's at once exhilarating and terrifying.
I guess Mr. K is stuck in the middle of something. I mean he's right there in
the lion's den . . . My dad really doesn't like Lex's dad. I've never really
been able to get it out of him why. He just says things about the plant
poisoning the water and soil and then changes the subject.
So suddenly I am going to a big city for the week end, and things between Lex
and me seem different. I understand something about him that I didn't before. My
head hurts. This is so much to take in all at once.
My dad kept staring at me over dinner. He didn't say anything but . . . anyway,
I just left it alone. If he wants to say something to me, he will.
~
11:17p - Not much happened in this neck of the woods.
But the weirdest thing
happened today. I was in the school parking lot and I saw Mr. K. When I waved
him down he looked at me and drove off without stopping. I could have sworn he
saw me, but I guess he didn't because if he had he would have stopped to say hi.
I tried to call him but his phone went straight to voice mail. I didn't want to
leave a message since what I wanted to say can't be said in a message. I was
hoping I could ask him to forget about talking to Mr. Big, but I guess it's too
late. He might have already told him by now.
Pete brushed me off to hang out with the football crowd. I was so thrown by it I
didn't say anything. I just walked away.
Everybody seems to be so busy lately. I know Lana has been busy dealing with the
contractors and Chloe seems busy with the paper. Not really a surprise there.
Dad and mom have been quiet and dad gave me extra work today. At one point he
stopped and asked me about Lex. He asked where we'd be staying in the city when
we went away. I told him it was fine since Mr. W would be there. I don't think
dad suspects anything. I don't even think he could even conceive of it. My dad
doesn't think that way.
~
8:53p - Flying is not as bad as I thought it would be
The plane ride was brief
thank goodness. Lex told me why we're going. He's worried about Bruce. Something is
wrong. He just wanted me to be alert but I think I would like to help out see if
maybe he'll talk to me. He's a nice guy and I want to whatever I can.
Mom saw me off at home. Dad looked unhappy about it but he also told me to be
careful so I guess he's okay with it. She looked nervous but she packed my
suitcase so I guess she's totally okay with all this as well. I called her as
soon as I arrived at the estate. This place is huge and the room I was put in is
bigger than the barn. My bed is bigger than my room at home. On top of that the
room is attached to a bathroom and sitting room that I share with Lex. He's in
the shower right now. I am so trying not to peek. And it would be so
easy.
I unpacked and found something. Since my mom packed for me I didn't know what
she'd packed. She included condoms! I almost fell over. The thought that she
actually wants something to happen passed my mind for a second until I realized
that it doesn't necessarily have to mean that. When I talked to her on the phone
she said she doesn't want it to happen she just wants to know that I would be
safe in case it did happen. I told her it isn't going to happen. I am not in a
hurry to get there. She was very relieved.
I can't believe how tired I am. I don't usually get tired. I still have to
shower and change. My mom packed enough underwear for a week, a few pairs of
blue jeans, six t-shirts - 3 red, 2 white and 1 blue. She even remembered my
favorite blue flannel shirt. Plus socks for a week, all white except one pair of
light brown. She even packed a pair of dark blue dress pants, a nice light blue
dress shirt, my brown jacket and a tie. She thought of everything. I would have
just thrown some shirts and stuff in the suitcase. I remembered my laptop
though. That way I can still post and do homework.
~
10:20p - Mom left a note with the condoms.
I keep it in my pants pockets to remind me that she has put a lot of trust in
me. Lex is so hot. He's more relaxed than I have ever seen him.
Mom's note -
"I don't think you're ready, but if you think you are, I want you to be
safe. Dad doesn't know."
I passed out last night while we watched some TV. I found out today that he
watched me sleep. I hope I didn't drool or something.
The day was so great but that was not the best thing that happened. The best
thing that happened was Lex said I LOVE YOU. Not that other thing he
says. That is cool too, but I LOVE YOU.
We went to Bruce's closet to find something for me to wear for tomorrow (we're
going to see a Shakespeare play so I need something nice to wear). I waited all
day to touch him. I leaned in, from behind, while he was trying to tell me what
a gentleman should wear to the theatre and just smelled him without touching
him. Then he leaned back into me. It was so amazingly hot. Just that one touch
turned me on.
We started to make out right there in the closet and then something hit me. My
mom knows. She knows about Lex and me. Okay so I'm slow. She packed condoms with
that nice note. I showed the note to Lex. And told him I am not ready for
something more. He understood and when I looked into his eyes and saw
understanding and love I pulled him into a hug and I didn't want to let go. I
wanted that moment to last forever.
I called mom and told her about my day. I told her that I am not ready to have
sex just yet. She said she was relieved to hear that again. I didn't tell her
about me dating Lex. I think that is something I should tell her in person.
This city is way different than I thought it would be. It was a gray day so
maybe that had something to do with it. We did so much. First Lex took me around
town and then we met Bruce for lunch at this nice diner. We went to a museum after
and had dinner in
Chinatown. It was
very interesting since all of it was new to me. I didn't really like this sauce
that we had but I pretended I did. I don't like to be rude.
Tomorrow we're going to see a matinee of A Midsummer Night's Dream. I asked for
a copy of the play. I'm going to read it tonight. That way I have some idea
about what to expect. I've only ever seen plays in school.
Lex went off to talk to our host. I think maybe I'll take a look around this
place. It's so big and Bruce said I could go anywhere I want. He told me there are
rooms full of books. I think I'll head to the kitchen and check it out. Maybe
after I read this play I can find something cool to read.
~
11:58p - We all have secrets
I just ran into Bruce and Lex in the hallway on my way back from snooping and
getting a drink. before that I looked around this place. It's huge. I got lost
and had to use my x-ray vision to find my way. There are these weird caves under
the manor. I have no idea what that's about.
I did see this real cool car though. I wonder if Bruce would let me drive it.
I know I interrupted something. I didn't mean to since Lex had told me he needed
to find out what was bothering Bruce. I told Lex I needed to get something from
the kitchen and followed Bruce to see if I could help Lex figure out what was
wrong. I thought maybe Bruce would talk to me. He didn't really talk much except
to say he has a secret and that I would understand. I just told him that if he
needed my special abilities for anything I would help him. He said he would come
to me if there was something he thought I could do.
Lex is asleep in his room now, I guess. I can't sleep. I feel so jumpy and
restless. I wish I could go to him but I just told him earlier that I'm not
ready for sex. Which is true. I just want cuddles.
I'm worried about Lex. I know he's concerned about Bruce but how do I tell Lex
to stop prying without raising his suspicions?
All these secrets. I wish I could just march into Lex's room right now and just
tell him. I wish I was brave enough. I know I'm not. I just can't lose him, not
now. Not when I finally have him. I'll tell him eventually. Maybe.
I had a nightmare about this. In it Lex found out and he hated me and told me he
would never let me rest until the world knew about me.
This totally sucks.
~
9:22a - Homesick
I just called mom to let her know everything is cool. Actually I just wanted to
hear her voice. I miss her and dad. I miss waking up early and doing chores,
which is dumb since I've only been gone a day. I told her about us going to see
A Midsummer Night's Dream today. I didn't finish the book. It was kind of boring
and I fell asleep. I'll finish it before breakfast.
I had a nightmare again last night. In it I was looking for Lex and when I found
him he gave me this disgusted look and told me that I am a freak and that he
would destroy me for being different. I've been having this dream for a while
now. It usually ends with him walking away from me and when I try to explain he
screams that nothing I say will change his mind.
I think I hear some sounds in the bathroom. I used it a half hour ago and just
looked in on Lex to see if he was awake. He wasn't. I wanted so badly to go into
his room but that dream stopped me. I know it's just a dream but it scared me.
I'm hungry so I'm off to the kitchen. Ooh I totally forgot. Bruce has this guy who
does everything for him. He's kind of creepy and I try to stay away from him.
It's weird when somebody calls you "master". I almost laughed out loud, but I
managed to be polite. I hope he's not up already. I am sure I can make something
to eat on my own.
Bruce has a lot of pain deep inside. I wish there was something I could do for him.
It's really painful to watch a friend hurting.
~
12:44a - Home now
I got home a while ago. When I got in the door I thought mom was very calm about
it. She held back and asked how things went. Then she told me to sit and have
some apple pie, which I gladly did.
Mom said Lana called and asked her to tell me to call no matter how late I got in.
She had a collapse on Friday! I'm really worried about her now. I didn't even
realize something was wrong. She had Chloe with her to help her through. I told her
about what my mom did with the condom. I never even took them out of my
suitcase. They're in my dresser now.
After I unpacked I went down to eat and now I'm just relaxing and looking at my
f-list. I didn't really have a chance while I was away.
The play wasn't too bad. I had no idea what was going on. I think I'll read it
again or something. Maybe I can rent a movie version of it. I wonder if Keanu
was ever in one.
The rest of the weekend was great. We went to see the play then had an early
dinner. Bruce was really cool; a very gracious host. I hope I was polite enough.
So I went away and had a cool time. Now I feel weird. I'm not sure what it is. I
feel off.
For one thing, I don't want to sleep and have that nightmare again. I hate it. I
hate that I even have it at all. I've never felt so frustrated about anything
before.
Oh and Lex is a hottie. I woke him up this morning with kisses on his neck. At
first he freaked a bit but then when I said "hi" he relaxed. It was nice and
peaceful and simple. I wished it could always be that way. I know it can't but I
still wish it. (btw- thanks Mark for making the suggestion. He really liked it!)
My mom is still up. I can hear her moving around. I think I'm going to go talk
to her. She needs some reassurance that I wasn't corrupted while I went away.
Mom is fine. We had a long talk. She's so cool. I am so happy that they found me
on that day. She felt better once I told her I wasn't in any hurry to get
some. I made her smile when I said it that way. But then she got that
worried mom look in her eyes. I took a deep breath and told her the honest
truth. I told her I had plenty of opportunity but that I know in my heart I am
not ready.
Besides, I am so terrified of the idea right now, that I don't even want to
think about it.
That was TMI but I still needed to say it.
~
1:04p - I just had the greatest talk with Chloe
I ran into Chloe on my way to
the torch office and when I saw her I had to grab her and drag her into the
office so I could blurt out what Lex said to me on the weekend. I told her he
had said that he loves me. I almost hyperventilated when I realized I can tell
somebody and she was more than willing to listen to every word. And she wouldn't
judge me.
She was very excited for me. I am so happy right now.
Lex loves me.
On another weird note, when I tried to talk to Pete at lunch, he brushed me off
and said he needed to go do something. I asked him if he wanted to do something
later after I finished deliveries. He said he was playing basketball with the
guys. He walked off and joined a group of guys in the cafeteria. They were the
guys that strung me up. Even Whitney was with them.
At least Whitney nodded a hello. Maybe it was me but it seemed like he waited
until his friends couldn't see that, like he doesn't want them to know that he's
on speaking terms with me. I guess it's cool that Pete is hanging with other guys.
But does it have to be those guys?
~
12:41a - Come as you are
After school today I went
home to find that mom was sorting through old pictures. She was looking at
pictures of me from when I was young. When I asked her if everything was okay,
she got all misty and gave me this look. Then she said that she was just being
silly and that she's proud of me.
I took one of the pictures of me from when I was nine to show to Lex. He liked
it. That wasn't the best part. When I went over we did stuff: fully clothed
stuff. It was so cool. It took almost no time for me since I felt too weird
taking care of it when I was away.
We even cuddled afterwards. I accidentally blurted out that I thought he was
cute. Which I guess I shouldn't have done but then he told me he liked that I
thought he was cute and hot. Oh yes, I told him he's hot, too; especially
straddling me. I gladly endured sticky jeans to be close to him and have him
look at me that way and kiss me that way.
When I got home I was glad to find my parents out in the barn fixing the
tractor. That way I could change. Dinner was quiet. When I offered to help mom
with the dishes she just told me to go do my homework. I have a feeling she's
struggling with something but she won't tell me what. I wish she would. It makes
me kind of nervous.
I'm feeling so relaxed and tired. I think I will turn in now.
~
12:49a - Going away on a strange day
I didn't do much today. I was late for the bus then after school I helped Lana
clean that love shack room out some more. She is happy about this coming week
end since it is Valentine's Day. I'm not that thrilled. It's always been one of
those days I ignore, but the school is actually having a dance this Friday. I
obviously can't bring Lex. I couldn't even imagine him there for one thing. For
another thing the fact that we are both guys and I am still under sixteen
wouldn't go over well.
After dinner my dad made me shovel out the barn. I hate that job. It stinks
literally.
Man my life is boring sometimes.
I need to call Lex.
AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!! -
Some days I just wish. Actually all days I wish.
I'm getting Lex a card for Valentines Day. It's all I can afford. I just hope he
doesn't get me anything. I don't want anything except to spend some time with
him. I hope he doesn't get me anything.
Then there's the dance. I hate those things. I always sit them out. For one
thing I don't know how to dance and even if I did, I would probably break my
partner's toes from stepping on them all the time. I guess I'm not much into all
those things like dancing, and plays. All that stuff rich people do.
I'm going to call him now.
I called him. He seemed weird. I asked him to be my valentine. It felt
weird: not bad weird just weird. I can't even say what was weird about it. I
told him if I could take anybody to the dance it would be him. But again I just
couldn't picture it. He implied that he's dressed in drag before. Something I
could definitely not picture. My personal preference is to have him as he is.
Not that I have anything against guys who dress like girls. I just want Lex to
be a guy not a girl.
He suggested I ask Lana or Chloe as a friend. I don't know. I really don't like
dances. I have never actually been to any of them. I don't know. I think I'll
just stay home. He said we could do something on Saturday. I had to hang up
since dad interrupted to remind me it was time to get to bed.
I better get to bed.
~
2:01p - Okay
So I was kidding about the drag thing. I really don't want to see Lex in drag.
The thought is totally not appealing. It turns out he's dressed up before. He
said on his journal that he's worn a dress.
I think I would look horrible in a dress even if I've been called pretty before.
I hope he doesn't take it seriously, but I don't want to say anything. He might
think I'm being uncool. I don't want him to think I'm totally clueless but I
guess compared to him I am.
I didn't realize that what dad did last night bothered Lex so much. I mean dad
was just reminding me to get to bed. I wouldn't have expected him to talk to
Lex. Sudden I feel stuck as to how to handle that.
I wonder how dad would feel if he knew what I wanted Lex to do to me. I wonder
if he'd hate me.
~
12:14a - ????
Dad asked me to be out on
Saturday. I guess he wants to do something with mom. I told him I think I could
find something to do. I didn't tell him it's with Lex. I will ask mom tomorrow
about that. I can't say anything about Saturday but he said stuff about how he
used to do romantic things for her before they got married. I stopped him before
he got into TMI territory.
I think it's great that they are still that way, but I really didn't need to
know about it. At least I can miss that. On a happy note, it means I can go to
the mansion.
~
9:23a - Why is my life a big pain?
I am not having a great
day. On top of that my best friend won't talk to me. He walked away again when I
asked if we could hang later. I followed him anyways and tried to find out what
he was doing for the dance. He said he didn't have time to talk, and needed to
get to class. I'm going to bug him in gym class this afternoon.
I am dating somebody my dad doesn't like. Last night when I asked him why he
didn't say hi to Lex on the phone he just grunted and told me to go do my
chores.
Something is wrong. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I
hope so. I am going to ask him point blank tonight.
~
3:11p - Wishing things away never helps.
I want to be just a normal every day guy so I don't have to be afraid that one
day Lex will find out I'm an alien freak that landed in Kansas, killed a bunch
of people and burned his hair off.
The nightmares are almost every night now. I don't know what to do short of
telling him the truth, but at this point I would rather eat meteor rocks than do
that. I think about it until I want to crush something.
The other thing that got me on this train of thought was mom and dad. I see what
they have and I want it. I want the ease, the trust, the understanding, the
honesty, the support. Things I maybe can't give Lex. I can give him some of
them. I can give him my support and understanding, but I won't be able to give
him honesty. I try to give him as much as I can. I really do. Sometimes I sit on
the edge of his property and wonder how it would happen. How I could tell him
without him hating me forever. How he would react.
I know the dreams are just that, and I can't go by them but the fear is very
real. I've told him to his face that I did not get hit by the car. I told him
and made him feel bad for thinking it was more and that I am hiding something
from him. Just because I wasn't Super at the time doesn't make it right.
It's funny every once in a while I talk to my mom about this. About when I can
tell somebody I care about, about when I get into a very serious relationship
with another person. They will have to know that I can break them with the flick
of my wrist. It's the right thing to do. She never knows what to say.
Nothing but circles, it's all that ends up happening when I think about this. I
end up right where I started. I hate being an alien.
And I just broke my pencil. Shoot! I have to stop typing so fast. I can't forget
that I am a freak. If somebody sees? Maybe it won't matter. Maybe they won't
care. Maybe the sun will turn green.
~
11:38p - lost and found
Lex found my journal. He left a message to let me know. At first it totally freaked
me out. I couldn't believe it. But then I realized I have nothing to complain
about since I read his and didn't tell him.
I'll have to be careful about what I post from now on.
~
12:24a - Dancing in heaven
I chickened out and didn't
confront Pete and didn't ask dad what was bothering him. I just hate
confrontation.
I found Chloe in the torch office today upset. Her girlfriend is going to the dance
with Whitney. They have to for appearance sake. She pretended she was fine with
it but it upset her more than she let on so I'm taking Chloe to the dance as my
friend. We are going to have fun even though we can't take who we really want to
go with. I'm going to dress nice for it just because. Later, I want to show up
at the mansion unless somebody is busy tomorrow night . . .
Dad isn't acting weird anymore, although he kind of got all excited about what
he's got planned for mom on Valentine's Day. I told him I didn't want to know. I
also reassured him I had something else to do that night so I would be out of
his hair.
When I told him Chloe and I were going to the dance together he was happy for me
but didn't ask for details.
For half a second I entertained the idea of just telling him about Lex. That
would have been bad all around. But kind of interesting.
~
11:44p - Can I have this dance?
I have no idea why people
go to school dances. They aren't that exciting. Although it was very nice to
spend a few hours with Chloe. She was great and I had a wonderful time with her. We
even danced a dance together. This girl from my English class asked me to dance.
I was so shocked that I didn't have time to say no. I had no clue what to say to
her. She did ask me if Chloe and I are dating. I told her we aren't; that she's one
of my best friends. It was real nice of her to do that. I think she was just
being nice or something.
I stayed close to Chloe for most of the night. She slipped away for a while
probably to go to the bathroom, but other than that we were mostly always
together. Thank goodness since I felt a little awkward.
Even Whitney was nice to me.
I stayed until Chloe wanted to leave and she dropped me off at the mansion on the
way home.
When I arrived Lex was drinking wine and watching the Sopranos. I didn't have
too much time so we only sat and kissed and snuggled. I brought up the LJ thing.
I'm not mad that he knows. We decided not to friend each other and just leave it
at that. I told him that I found his a while back. He said he suspected that I
had. I feel so much better about this.
~
9:37a - My first valentine
I woke up so early this
morning because I was excited, plus I had chores to do before going over the
Talon to help Lana.
Last night was so nice and so comfortable. I had my doubts but not because Lex
isn't great. I only had myself to offer and a lame card with an even lamer poem
that I wrote inside. It was pretty bad.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can't write poetry
this card is for you
I know nothing about romance. Once when I was fourteen I sneaked one of mom's
romance novels up to my room. I wanted to see what it was about. I read the
whole book but I still didn't get it. Maybe Lex can teach me. :)
Anyway, Lex gets it. He had the room set up with pillows on the floor,
candlelight and pizza. I was so relieved to see that he hadn't spent too much
money on me. I don't want him to. Plus if he'd gotten me something dad would
have been mad. It would have been a hard thing to explain. Instead I got what I
really wanted: time with Lex alone.
He looked so beautiful in the candlelight. I can't describe how gorgeous he is.
He's got this way of carrying himself that exudes confidence that I would never
be able to pull off. I wish I could. His lips are the yummiest. He was drinking
wine, I drank milk, and when I kissed him I could taste it on his lips.
Just writing about our night is making me so happy. I couldn't have asked for
more. We sat on the floor and talked about things. It was like the world had
disappeared and we were the only ones in it.
We made out, too. I didn't want to leave without doing that at the least. I want
everybody to know that I did bring a condom with me just in case, but I didn't
bring it up at all. Everything was just so perfect that I didn't want to spoil
it with unnecessary drama over whether I am ready or not. I know I'm not ready
but I brought it just in case.
After the make out session and pizza Lex popped microwave pop corn and put in
the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula. Keanu is in that one in case you don't know
this. I totally blushed when I realized that Lex now knows how much I like KR. Oh
well, now he knows another one of my secrets. Not that I was keeping it a
secret.
Ooh and something that happened the other day; a close call. Dad found the card
I'd gotten for Lex for Valentine's Day. I'd written the poem in it already but
not Lex's name. I have to learn to be way more careful. Dad just winked and said
that Chloe would love it. I obviously didn't correct his assumption. When he said
it I felt kind of like a heel, since I didn't get her a card. I guess I should
have. She was my date after all. She didn't say anything about it so I guess it
wasn't important. I am sure that Lana got her something.
Speaking of Lana. I have to get going. She's expecting me in a half hour.
More later. I forgot to wish people a happy Valentine's Day. I hope everybody
had a nice time. I know I did.
~
10:37p - The weekend has been so busy
I spent most of it helping
Lana at the Talon. The place is really starting to look great. It should be ready
for the opening this weekend. I can't wait to see it once it's done.
I haven't seen Lex since Saturday. I was hoping to see him today but it never
panned out. He was too busy and when I called again tonight he wasn't around.
Since there was no school today dad decided to give me a million chores. I did
my homework reading for class since I had time to finish it. I was bad this week
end. Both Saturday and Sunday I was too busy to do anything.
Mom and dad have already gone to bed. So now I'm on line seeing what everybody
is up to. I was looking for pictures of my favorite guy. You know who. He's
making a new movie and I was hoping to see if they'd released any new images.
I want to call Lex but I don't want to seem all clingy and stuff. I have to
remember he's a busy guy. Still, I wish I could talk to him.
~
9:00p - I just can't believe this is happening
I just got home from the Talon. Somebody left a gift wrapped severed hand for us
to find. Whoever did it wanted to make sure Lex found it.
I'd gone with Lana to talk to her about the project I have to do for school.
It's been a very busy day.
In class we were given a classmate to do a six page bio on. I was given Lana,
which is very cool, but what totally sucks is Chloe got me. The reason it sucks
is because she is the kind of person who goes digging for stories. She works on
the school paper and wants to be a reporter one day; all great things except I
still wish somebody else had gotten me.
She was waiting for me at home, interviewing my parents. I took off since I was
only there to drop things off before going over to the Talon. When Lana and I
arrived at the Talon, Lex pulled up. We went inside to find the contractor
knocked out. Somebody left a box with a severed hand in it. I guess I have all
the fun.
Lana called the police. I've never seen Lex freaked out over anything before. I
wanted to go to him but that wasn't possible so I stayed with Lana. I think she
might be regretting going into the Talon thing with Lex. Some guy who claimed to
be Lex's friend from the past told her to stay away from him. He told her that
everything Lex touched goes bad. It angered me to hear that. I don't know what
to think at this point. Lex told me it doesn't concern me, but if body parts are
showing up in my friend's coffee shops, then I say I have reason for concern.
I trust Lex. I really do but, man, that hand was gross.
I made sure Lana got home okay after that.
~
11:55p - First times
It ended up just the way I thought it would. Chloe couldn't leave it alone. She
went behind my back and investigated my adoption. I am so angry right now. I
have been all day. I just can't believe she could do this to me. I know nothing
about my adoption and I don't care! She has no idea what it's like to know that
my biological parents fucking abandoned me. They threw me away. For whatever
reason they didn't want me. It hurts beyond the telling of it; especially when I
consider how far my biological parents went to get rid of me. They put me in a
space ship and threw out into the universe.
And Pete had to go and tell Chloe about that time in first grade when I pushed
this kid through a door for picking on him. I wasn't proud of that. I got
carried away. I wish Chloe would just do what I did instead of treating my life
like some kind of corruption scandal. She always feels like she has to dig up
something juicy about everything.
I am not a news story! I tried to tell her that, but she didn't listen at all. I
guess this bothered me way more than I thought. I haven't talked to her since
this morning, and I know if I called her I would say something I regretted.
I am so furious right now. Not just at her. I'm angry at Lex, too. Something has
come back from his past and he ordered me to stay out of it. It's like he thinks
I can't handle it. I hate that. I hate when people think I'm too naive or too
young to handle something.
I found out that a few years ago some guy was killed in a club, and Lex was
there when it happened. I went to ask him about it and I could have sworn I
heard somebody else in the room with him. When I went in, Lex was alone and that
was when I asked him what was going on. He asked me to stay out of it but I'm
not going to stay out of it! I'm not just some guy he knows; I'm supposed to be
somebody to him. I'm supposed to help him and I will. I don't care how mad he
gets at me.
It was strange. I'm not sure how it happened. He jumped on me and we were on the
floor, tearing at each other's clothes. Before I knew it, I was sucking him off.
I didn't have a clue what I was doing but I just had to take him. I had to.
So I sucked him off right there on the floor. I pinned him down and sucked him
until he came all over his belly. I've been watching gay porn to get an idea of
what to do. It's totally different when you're there and the cock is in your
mouth. I can still taste him on my tongue.
He grabbed me, and sucked me off right after. It was the hottest thing I have
ever seen. I didn't last long. I came all over his face and neck. I am never
going to forget that site as long as I live. I never thought I would think
something like that was so hot.
We were in his private gym so we took a shower. Naked. Together. I was so
embarrassed at first. He told me I'm beautiful. I had no idea what to say to
that. I just got more embarrassed.
I went back to the mansion with him and stayed there for the rest of the night.
We had dinner and just hung out. We didn't say much; just mostly made out.
Now I'm sitting here after what happened. Hard again. I have to go jerk off. I'm
not sure what to think about what we did, or why we did it.
~
11:19p - Lex went missing today.
They're all dead. All of our cows are dead. Some sick person dumped chemicals
that came from Lex's factory on our property and killed all the cows.
I was so cold to him. He looked really upset about the cows, but I was just cold
and ordered him to tell the police why this happened. He said it has something
to do with what happened at Club Zero a few years ago.
When he just left the farm without saying goodbye I panicked. He's never done
that. My dad hates him so much right now. I tried to reason with him this
morning before we saw what had happened. Now there's no way he'll ever accept my
feelings for Lex. He'll hate me for going near him.
I've never seen my dad so upset. He's not talking to me much.
Mom asked me to cool it with Lex. I know already that I'm not going to obey her.
I can't. I don't care what my parents say, a person shouldn't be judged just
because of their name, and a person shouldn't be held responsible for what
somebody else does. Somebody did this to ruin Lex.
I even called a number somebody else gave me. Mr. Big answered the phone. He
sounded so worried about Lex. I knew something was up when even he said Lex was
nowhere to be found.
I found Lex and knocked out the guy that hurt him, and then called the police.
Lex is home now. He's a little banged up. I stayed with him until the police
took the kidnapper away. I was so glad to see Lex alive that I held him and
kissed him. It took me a few minutes before I realized I still hadn't gotten him
out of the straight jacket that jerk had put him in.
~
11:34p - origins
At least Chloe decided to drop the adoption thing for the good of our
friendship.
I asked my dad about it and he said it's all legitimate. My parents just needed
to do things differently because of how they found me.
I was found, naked, in a field with nobody else in sight. Actually, my mom
always says I found them. Their truck was overturned from the meteor shower. I
was lucky they found me.
It's only been six months since my dad told me the truth of where I'm from. I
still haven't gotten used to the idea. I doubt I ever will. I crashed to earth
in a ship. How do I get used to that? How do I resign myself to the fact that I
am an alien lost in a foreign land? I have too many questions and not enough
answers. It will probably always be that way.
My biological parents must have wanted to get rid of me so badly. They threw me
out into the coldness of space. I wonder if they even expected me to survive. I
wonder why they did it. I wonder where they are. If I look up into the stars am
I seeing my home planet's star? If I am which one is it? I look through the
telescope almost every night and try to see if I can figure out which one it is.
It's so stupid but suddenly I feel homesick even though earth has been the only
home I've ever known.
I keep thinking about what happened yesterday. I mean, I got to see Lex naked. I
still can't believe I did it. I pushed him down and took control. It would be so
easy to just always control him. My strength guarantees that. I can still taste
him.
I feel lost. At least emotionally I am very much the same as any other teenager;
if I really am a teenager. For all I know I'm actually thousands of years old.
Doesn't it take that long to travel across the universe? I'm really losing it
now.
Who am I? Where am I from? Why did my parents abandon me? Who are my parents?
What is the name of my home world? Where is my home world?
I could keep going forever. I could even ask if it was fate that I met Lex the
way I did. I could even ask why my feelings for him are so strong even though I
still feel something for Lana.
~
11:23p - I've been grounded
It's not like she said stay away from him, it's more like make the choice
yourself or else I will make it for you. She didn't say what she would do, but
it was implied that it wouldn't be good.
I'm so fidgety tonight. I spent most of the morning in la-la land. I can't even
remember what any of the teachers said. I came straight home from school, did
the chores as slow as I could since I had so much time.
I found an old picture of when the Talon first opened, and had it framed. I'm
going to give it to her tomorrow. Lana called tonight to ask how everything is
going. She asked if I was worried about something else from Lex's past coming
back. If only she knew.
Now I have to sit here all night. If I even reach for the phone mom asks who I'm
calling. I know I'll see him at the opening for sure so maybe I'll pull him
aside. I need to go for a run or break some rocks or something.
~
11:47p - The opening was a smash ...
... but not for me. I've
had a blah day. Woke up, trudged through chores, and then sat around waiting to
be allowed to go to the opening.
The place looked amazing. Everything came together so well. I got to see Lex
while I was there. He looked so gorgeous. I hadn't seen him since the incident
in the city. We went into the back office to talk in private. I just couldn't
tell him that my mom and dad were grounding me until further notice with people
around. Especially since most of them are my friends.
I totally panicked. I thought for sure he would tell me he can't take the
overprotective parents thing. I thought for sure he'd tell me I'm not worth the
hassle. I can't help but think that way. Mom told me to cool it. I told her I
won't cut him out of my life. I told her several times that Lex is a good friend
to me and that he would never let anything happen to me. I just know he
wouldn't.
Dad's not saying much to me. He talks to me but only if it's not about Lex. This
is so hard to write but I need to get it off my chest. Dad is so mad about the
cows. I can't even reason with him so I gave up. I'm going to try to talk to him
tomorrow.
When I saw Lex today I asked him what the real truth was about the club. He told
me he did what he did to protect his friend. He took the heat for somebody else
so she wouldn't go to jail. That just blows me away. I mean to go that far for a
friend. I believe Lex no matter what my dad says.
When we talked in private I wasn't sure what to say. I felt so stupid and young
and out of my league. I told him about my mom wanting to talk to him first
before I can see him again. I talked to him longer than I was allowed to and I
asked him if we could sneak out. I can't understand why mom is being so strict.
She's not usually like this. It's good that she doesn't know how far things have
gone.
She called me just as Lex and I were finished talking. How do moms do that? She
totally grilled me. Asked a million questions even asked if I saw Lex. I
couldn't lie. I never could to mom. As I left the Talon I had to get one last
look at him. He looked so sad. I wanted to go to him and just hold him in my
arms. My heart ached.
I want him to be happy, I want to let him know that I will be thinking about him
all night and all day tomorrow. I'm going to call tomorrow to make sure he's
okay. This is so stupid. It's like that Shakespeare play Romeo and Juliet only
it's got no Juliet in it.
I'm so tired. I feel drained and lost. Maybe if I sleep on it things will look
different; better.
~
9:28a - Worse morning ever
I just had the biggest
fight with dad. I don't even know how it happened. I went down to have breakfast
like always. Everything was fine and then dad said he needed me all day for
chores, which isn't unusual. So I said fine and then I tried to bring up Lex.
Dad didn't say anything at first. I kept talking. I told him and mom the truth
about what actually happened. I even said I admired him for trying to protect
his friend that way.
Dad freaked. He told me that there was nothing to admire about Lex. That he's
nothing but a spoiled brat who thinks he can solve all his problems with money.
Then I tried the argument that he has always been a good friend. Mom glared at
me.
Dad said a few things that really hurt. Then he stormed out. When he was gone I
tried to reason with mom. She told me that she isn't planning on forbidding me
from seeing him, she just needs reassurances.
I hope she doesn't ask him to dump me. I feel so panicked. What if she does?
What if she goes to him and says she doesn't want us to be together that way? I
wish I'd never told her about me; about us.
I have to go do chores now. I'm going to call him later. I think mom said she
was going to go to the mansion today to talk to him. This is so dumb, I know Lex
would never hurt me or let me be hurt. He said so when he told me he would do
anything to protect his friends.
I'll have to tell him that I would never ask him to go that far for me. As much
as I love the idea, I would never want him to do something illegal for my sake.
Okay, maybe something that is only between the two of us and in a bed, in
private, with lots of lube.
He posted an open post. I hate my life sometimes. I will call him as soon as I
get a chance no matter what my parents say.
~
4:36p - Normal days and normal nights
My mom went over yesterday
to talk to Lex. Things went well. I'm not sure what she said, but when she got
home she came straight to the loft to talk to me about it. She is the best mom
ever.
As soon as she told me that I could go over to see him I was off to the mansion.
It was great to surprise him. He didn't expect me to show up so soon after the
talk with mom. We didn't really talk much about what was said between them. I
wanted him to know that the trust she put in me is very important to me. I don't
think I got that across. Sometimes the words are hard to find.
At least I got to kiss him and touch him. That was the best.
It blows me away that my mom knows and she's still okay with it.
Then there's dad. He's not talking to me still. This is always how it is. In a
few days things will be back to normal. I'm not that worried. I have to go do
deliveries soon, which means I get to see Lex. Last night he beat me at pool so
I think I'll ask for a rematch.
Mom's calling. I have to get going.
~
12:38a - I totally screwed up
I thought if I made light of it and tried to keep things easygoing I would be
able to talk more readily about sex. I was so wrong. I think I made things
worse. I felt like a total fool. I think back to what I said and I just can't
even believe I said it. What the hell was I thinking?
He sounds so upset in his journal entry. He was drinking. I guess I really
screwed up. I just don't know how to handle all this. I need to think long and
hard on what to do next.
We made a date to talk about that kind of stuff for Wednesday. It was so weird.
I went over there not really expecting to say much just maybe to talk and then
suddenly the conversation (thanks to my big mouth) takes a weird turn. I wanted
to at least let him know that I liked what we did the other day. We kind of did
some stuff that involved being naked. I'm not really sure where I got the
courage to even touch him like that. I just did and now I have to deal with the
consequences of what happened.
I loved it. I should have told him that. I told him I didn't want him to f***
me. He was so upset; I thought I'd said something totally wrong. I didn't even
get the courage to say I want it to be more between us; not just sex. I'm not
interested in that. I want us to be close. I care about him as much more than as
just somebody to have sex with.
Even to myself I sound like a dork. When I thought it in my head I panicked and
couldn't say it to him. He thinks I don't want to. I'll have to wait to tell him
since it's so late.
Okay I am going to put it down here even if it sounds naive. I want us to make
love.
~
10:01a - I'm moping so sue me
So I spent most of last night lying on the floor of my loft. I just sort of fell
and didn't bother getting up. You'd be surprised what you can figure out lying
on a wooden floor. Mom came and got me, otherwise I think I would have just
stayed there all night. I was thinking.
I'm supposed to go over to the mansion later today to talk about it.
Everybody is trying to point me in the right direction. I ran into Mr. K at the
coffee house. We talked for a bit. It seems like I'm being too shy about all
this and need to not worry about how Lex will react to what I have to say. Both
Mr. K and Lana think I have to just tell Lex how I feel. It's so easy for them to
say; not so easy for me to do. At least that's what I thought. One thing I know
about myself is that I would rather give than take. I took the other day; in a
big way.
Lana called last night. She's so great. I was so confused and just talking to her
made me feel better. Thanks to her and Mr. K. I called Lex. He was home and we
talked. It went well. He made me realize something I didn't even know. I am
worried about so many things when it comes to taking the next step with him. We
said we can work it out as we go along so now I'm not so worried.
It may just be all for nothing. I mean I am not really ready for more. I want to
make sure we both know where we stand. I know we already decided to not do
things that involve clothing removal, but he's just so . . . and it never hurts
to talk about these things. At least this way I've already had practice and
won't explode later from embarrassment.
~
10:35a - Sex and the single alien
There's so much I can't tell Lex. It makes it so hard sometimes. I can't tell
him what my real fears are. I can't say that one of things I'm worried about is
that I will hurt him badly, or that my strength may mean I can't have sex with
him because he's so fragile. When I did what I did to him in the gym, I had to
make sure I was in control 100 % of the time. Otherwise I could crack things;
delicate things and I love Lex's delicate things.
When we talked last night I wanted so badly to tell him I was worried about
this, but I can't and I can't talk to my mom or dad about it. I talked to my mom
before about my fears of breaking a human partner. She said she has faith in me.
I have never done anything like this before so this is, I guess, a proving
ground.
I've had to keep my hands to myself my whole life and for the first time
somebody wants me to touch them. Somebody wants to be with me in an intimate
setting and it scares me to death. I feel like I should just walk away from it
all. I think maybe I should since not only could this go badly because of my
differences, but I feel more and more every day that if I can't share what I am
with him, I shouldn't even be with him.
Last night when we talked he told me he won't go away if things aren't as great
as all that. I told him I wished the other day in the gym had gone slower, and
been more intimate rather than a quick sexual encounter. He said that it was
cool that I just took; that sex doesn't always have to be one thing, or about
sharing, or about who does what to who. He said it can be many things. He also
said he loves that I want things from him, and that me just saying it gets him
hot. That is very cool.
I guess I have a lot to learn. My ideals about an intimate relationship must
seem so naive to him although I know he won't hold that against me.
The fact that he wants me period is just amazing; terrifying but amazing. I
never thought in a million years that anybody would desire me so much. The look
in his eyes when we are alone makes me want a lot of things. The way he just
says he will be with me however he can in that way. It's heart stopping.
I close my eyes and think about him under me; think about being inside him and
how that will feel. I think about him taking me in hand and just showing me
everything he knows about touching and kissing and sex.
Last night I asked who would top, but Lex just ignored the question. I didn't
press, but I will tonight.
~
11:17a - Talked and some other things
We talked. It was interesting to say the least. I totally forgot every question
I wanted to ask as soon as I saw him. He looked so good. I managed to get some
questions out. He was really cool about it all. We decided to move things to a
new level. So now we can touch bare skin, which I love to do.
I asked him a bit about his own sexual history. I won't say what he told me here
since that's private stuff. I was so nervous about asking those things since
it's about his past and I know he's not keen on going there. He answered the
questions though so it was okay. I pulled out a condom and told him what I know
about safe sex. Of course what I know wouldn't even make for an interesting
entry.
Our relationship has moved forward. I'm so glad because now I feel so much more
comfortable with everything. I feel like I could talk to him about almost
anything now. He even said I could call if I came up with anything else to ask.
I have to get back to class. More later.
~
12:01a - Talk the talk
I did it. I went over and
we talked. I had time to think about him all day; which wasn't easy since I kept
getting excited when ever I did.
We're getting together tomorrow night to do stuff. I'm going to ask for a safe
word.
School was the usual. When I got home dad was magically talking to me again. We
get the new cows this weekend so that should make him happy. He's been so down
about the whole thing. I made sure to steer clear of him since 99 percent of my
thoughts now revolve around Lex.
Mom made fresh pie tonight. I had two slices. She's being really indulgent
tonight. She just came up a few minutes ago to ask if there was anything I
wanted to talk about since I seemed so weird the other day. I pointed out that I
was not only sitting at my desk (instead of on the floor) but I was doing my
homework. I had so much of it tonight.
I wanted to call Lex but mom has imposed a little rule about talking on the
phone after 11 on a school night which isn't all that bad.
I have another question to ask if anybody is willing to entertain me with
suggestions of a safe word that would be cool and maybe a little fun. What
should we scream when we want things to stop?
~
11:17a - Sex and the not so single alien
I asked Lex if he likes to top or bottom. He was kind of vague about it. He said
he likes to keep his options open. I have no idea what I would like. I don't
even know how it will feel for me. I am alien after all and just because I look
like a human on the outside does not mean I will necessarily have the same
things on in the inside. That is a depressing thought. What if sex isn't the
same thing for my species? I've jerked off plenty of times. I even smashed
things and ripped clothing by accident. I've since learned to control it, but
still who knows.
Lex and I have already done some stuff. Like what happened in the gym. I still
can't figure out why I did it. I just felt like I needed to touch and be touched
at that moment. I wanted him to suck me off; I wanted to suck him off. I wanted
to know what it was like to have a part of him inside me. I want to know what it
will feel like when he penetrates me.
Tonight I'm supposed to go over to his place. I felt too silly last night to try
on a condom. It seemed weird somehow so when I jerked off I had a mess to clean
up; not that I mind. Lex says he likes it messy; so do I. I mean, I don't really
know if I do or not but it seems so much more sexy.
When we were in the gym I came on his face and that was very hot. I wanted to
lick him all over. He was all wet and sticky and it really was like I was
marking him as mine. We're the only ones who know, but who cares. I like it so
private. I like that we have to be all secretive. I like that he wants me; that
he wants me to touch, to taste, to push into him. I will only admit this in
private but the first time I see him in the day I get hard. I want to push him
to the ground and do things to him; very naughty things. At least a hundred
times a day I imagine it.
I wonder if I'm hitting some kind of sexual peak for me.
I want us to have a safe word. In case I hurt him, or I inadvertently break
something. I can't really feel any pain since I am invulnerable. I know I feel
pleasure because when Lex touches me it feels amazing. It sends tingles all over
my body and makes me respond in ways I never imagined. I'm hoping that this
means when I have actual sex that I will feel it. I want to feel it.
Then there is the issue of safe sex; condoms and how to put one on. I know the
gist but I get so nervous when I take one out of the package. The first time I
opened one I misjudged my strength and tore it in half, the second time I poked
a hole through it. I think I'll let Lex put it on me. I may just have to pretend
it's something that turns me on; a kink. I wonder if he would buy that.
We talked a bit about Lex's sexual history. I really wanted to know when he
first had sex. He seemed so nervous about the subject. I pushed a little but I
didn't want to push too hard. I hope it's not something bad. He only really told
me how old he was (fourteen), and that it was a guy and a girl. I wonder why he
disliked it so much. Maybe he was forced. That would totally suck.
~
10:43p - Sucks to be me
I couldn't go over last
night or tonight! My mom asked me to stay close to home since dad's acting
weird. I begged her to let me go over to the mansion since I had a date with Lex
but she said no. She also said that I was not to sneak over during the night
time.
Um, well, I sort of listened to her. I sneaked over very late at night. I just
forgot to tell her. Since she didn't ask I didn't have to lie to her about it.
Besides, it's totally unfair; I was not even thinking of sneaking over until she
mentioned it.
I went by around three. I had this dream about Lex and then I couldn't sleep so
I had to make sure he was okay. He was just fine, tucked nice and neat in his
bed. We did some things and then I had to leave, which totally sucked since I
wanted to stay and fall asleep with him. He pointed out that it wouldn't be a
good thing.
So now I am hanging out in my fortress, alone, and bored out of my mind. I
already did all my homework and shot some hoops. I spent some time watching the
mansion today. It looks deserted from a distance. I saw one light on. I kept
wondering what Lex was doing.
I suppose he's not the only thing in my life but still he is the coolest thing.
I told him I loved him. Is that TMI? I hope nobody thinks I'm a dork for saying
that. Oh well. I have to go and run or I will explode.
~
11:40p - Late night romp
Last night was the best. I am so glad mom gave me the idea to sneak out. I
hadn't done that in a long time.
I slipped into his bed and touched his cheek to wake him up. He woke up almost
right away a little startled at first but then he smiled when he saw it was me.
I just climbed into his bed and pinned him down since he was still half awake.
Just like at the gym I felt brave. I slid my hand into his pajama bottoms and
touched him. He was as hard as I was. I was hard even before I got into the bed.
I sucked him off until he came in my mouth. It was amazing. I'd read this thing
on line about how to deep-throat. I think I did okay because I pretty much
rendered him speechless. He couldn't talk for a few minutes after he came. I was
proud that I swallowed. He looked shocked that I did.
After, we lay down for a few minutes. I would never have asked him to do it, but
I didn't need to. He took my pajama bottoms off. He did it. I was on top of him
but he urged me up so that I was on my hands and knees above him. He slid down
and it was so hot I tore the sheets. I let go of the mattress just in time.
Since I couldn't last very long with his hot mouth on my cock, I was coming
almost minutes later. He didn't make me feel ashamed or embarrassed about coming
so fast. I felt so content and happy with him.
Then when we were relaxing again I told him I love him and he said it back. Not
ditto or anything like that 'I love you, too.'
I wanted to stay I really did. I will make some kind of arrangements in the
future so we can do that. We have lots of time now that we're together.
The best thing is he didn't ask me about the sheets. I mean I shredded them to
bits. I came so hard. I think it had to be the hardest ever. I should know I
come a lot; at least once a day.
~
2:10a - ?&%$
Lex said he had a safe word with Bruce. Does that mean they tied each other up
during sex? Does Lex want me to do that to him? I can't do that. I would never
want to hurt him. What if he wants that and I say no and he goes somewhere else?
Oh man. I just can't stop thinking about this now. Lex tied up. I've seen it. I
saw him in a straightjacket; that's tied up. Did I like it? I can't remember. I
wasn't thinking that way at all. I was just thinking he needed to be saved.
I did hold him still when he tried to pull out of my mouth last night. Does that
mean I could be into tying him up? Suddenly I am so much more confused.
10:35a - Strange day
Nothing can top what happened
between Lex and me yesterday. He stopped by around three and we hung out. It was
so cool. I was so happy about having him there. My mom and dad both went out to
run errands so we could be open about things. I totally shocked him when I
kissed him right in my own driveway. I loved the look on his face and couldn't
get it out of my head all night. My mom must have thought I was crazy since I
would suddenly smile for no apparent reason. I kept telling her it was because I
was so proud of my hero dad.
Anyway, we ate cold pizza and I drank milk and he drank water. We went to the
barn afterwards to make out. It was so nice. I didn't want him to leave. I
wished it was like that all the time; us together, kissing and holding without
having to hide it.
After he left I stayed in the barn for a while to think about what we'd done.
Then dad and mom got home. Some guy crashed and dad saved him. During dinner I
daydreamed that Lex was there too with us. When mom asked why I was smiling I
told her that Lex had been by. Dad got mad but he didn't really say much.
Then I had to go out to the barn to avoid hearing them. Totally gross.
I wanted to call Lex last night but we'd just seen each other so I held off.
I'll see him today I'm sure.
~
11:19a
I made a complete fool out of myself yesterday. When Lex was over I started to
imagine that were married and living on the farm. It was just the two of us and
it was so quiet that I couldn't help it. He asked me why I was so happy. I mean
besides having him all to myself, why else would I be happy. He was there with
me and we were eating in my kitchen.
I told him what I was dreaming. I wished I hadn't. It was so embarrassing. After
I told him I realized how dumb it sounded to him. He doesn't have fond memories
about family life like I do. I couldn't stay in the kitchen after that so I ran
off. Again, totally embarrassed at how naive and young it must have sounded to
him. I know it's never going to happen. I know it never can, but I can dream
about it can't I.
I had all night to think about it and I realize now that there is no way it will
ever be that way. He's not just any guy and I'm not even a guy. I would have to
tell him the truth about what I am. I know honesty is very important to a
healthy relationship. I wanted so badly to tell him. I almost did. We were
alone, nobody could have stopped me. I wanted to just say 'Lex, I'm an alien.'
But the words stuck in my throat. They froze me to the very core with terror. I
was afraid that he would hate me forever once he heard the word alien.
I had the nightmare last night. I dreamt I told him at the kitchen table. In the
dream he looked at him like I was a monster. Then he told me he would devote his
life to making sure the whole world knew what I was.
In real life he chased after me when I ran off. I was so ashamed and embarrassed
and just felt this huge humiliation over how I acted. I acted like a child.
We talked and he made me feel a little better. I don't know. I was so confused
and just plain annoyed at myself that I just wanted to pretend it never
happened. He did make me feel less silly for wanting those things.
We also talked about the reasons for a safe word. I asked about Bruce and why
they had one. He said they used to do stuff like tie each other up. Bruce used
to tie him up! I can't do that to him. I mean, I don't think I can. I don't want
to hurt him. I would never want to hurt him. I want to know everything about Lex
and what he likes, but I think that maybe some of those things he likes are not
things I would like. I'm not sure. I just can't imagine tying somebody up on
purpose. I can't imagine taking that kind of control away from him, but maybe he
likes that. Maybe he wants me to own him in that way. Maybe a part of me wants
to own him that way.
I have to admit; the thought that he's shared that with Bruce annoys me a little
but since Lex is mine now I know I have nothing to worry about. I'm just so
confused. I'll have to think about it some more.
I wanted him to just hold me so I kind of slowly slid into his lap and cuddled
close to him. Then I sucked him off because I wanted to make him feel good. I
was so hard from earlier (the minute I heard his car in the driveway I was hard)
I wanted to do something about it.
We decided on the safe word cherry pie. That was a very short conversation
mostly because when I brought it up I was holding his dick in my hand and he was
pretty speechless. He didn't get the chance to do me but that was fine. I didn't
mind. I jerked off three times last night anyway, after he left.
I fantasized while I jerked off that I had Lex under me and that he was totally
helpless. It was such a turn-on I came really hard. Maybe I do like the idea
just a little.
~
12:02a - Dad is a weirdo
My dad is acting like a jerk. I have no idea why but he's been so rude today. I
came home to fine my parents almost doing it in the kitchen. My eyes are still
burning from that. My brain needs major scrubbing.
That totally threw me off, but then he was all 'you do the chores, I'm taking a
break.' My dad never takes a break from work. When Lex stopped by my dad was so
rude to him, I was ashamed to know him. He told him how much he hated him and
how much he hated that we are friends. God, it was awful. Mom tried to apologize
for him but I could see how much it hurt Lex.
My dad went upstairs for a nap so I took Lex out to the loft. Lex gave me a
treat. The kind that involves touching bare skin and me being happy after. I
said sorry a million times. He just brushed it off and acted like it didn't
matter. I know my dad doesn't like Lex but this is just not like him at all.
I'm so tired, too. I just finished all the chores. I need to go to bed now.
~
7:49p - Make it stop
My dad is in the hospital.
They have no idea what's wrong with him except they think he caught something
from the guy he saved the other day. That guy fell into a coma and they can't do
anything to help him at all.
My whole world is falling apart.
Today I also found out that Pete, my best friend, hates Lex. I mean totally
hates him. When I asked Chloe about it she said he's jealous of how close Lex and I
have become. I never even realized this. I can't even tell him that it's a
different sort of thing with Lex and that it's not the same at all.
The whole world hates who I'm dating and my mom is in tears. I hate my life.
~
9:32p
- This can't be happening.
Dad shot me! He didn't mean to. It still hurt just as bad as if he had done it
on purpose. My chest aches but I wonder if it's just from the shock or if I
really hurt.
I couldn't believe it. When I ran after him and saw that he had a shotgun and
intended to go after the bank manager, I freaked. My dad may have a temper but
he would never do something like that. Except he did and I never thought he
would shoot me, and he did that too. And now he's
in the hospital, and I don't know what to do.
I feel so helpless. I don't know how to handle something like this. I mean the
doctor has no idea what's wrong with him, which means he has no way of helping
my dad. I didn't tell mom about the shotgun thing. She has enough to worry about
right now without having to think about that. I think I'll just keep it to
myself.
I called Lex and he came right away. I hugged him as soon as he arrived. I
didn't care how it looked. My mom hugged him as well so it probably just looked
like he was comforting us. After a while my mom asked him to take me home. I
wanted to stay but she's right when she says somebody has to take care of the
chores.
It gave me a chance to be with Lex. As soon as we were in private I couldn't
help myself, I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything would be fine.
I cried on his shoulder. I think it was a dignified cry. I should be embarrassed
but I just don't have the strength. I feel so tired and just scared. Lex didn't
say much except to hold me and comfort me which is exactly what I needed right
now.
If only other people knew the Lex I know. He makes me feel so safe and like I
can do anything. I wish I could confide in him. I wish I could talk to him about
what my dad did. I feel so alone right now.
~
11:35p - Things just got worse
My dad is in a coma.
Lana came on to me and then stole Lex's car for a joy ride. She passed out and I
had to take her to the hospital. She has the same thing dad has.
They still don't know what it is but Lex has everybody working on it. He brought
in doctors to help.
I have had such a hard day and now that things are calm I want to cry for an
hour.
My dad could die. I don't even want to think about it.
All the things I can do and they're useless. I'm useless.
~
8:18p
- Almost over
Now my friend Pete is infected. It turns out this crazy guy who likes to play
mad scientist brought a long dead flower back from the past. Chloe and Pete did
a whole bunch of research and found out that Lex signed this book out from the
library. Pete of course jumped on it.
I am not that quick to judge. Since we still don't know everything that
happened, and on top of that Pete was delirious when he attacked Lex. Did I
mention Pete shot at Lex? I ran to the mansion to stop him when Chloe told me he
went after my boyfriend. Lex is being real cool about it all. He's more
concerned about everybody who's in the hospital, especially since the first guy
died tonight.
I had to pull some fast talking tonight with Pete. I had no idea what to do and
the first thing that came to mind was to pretend I was with Pete when he said
Lex was the one responsible for everything that happened. Unfortunately it
involved hurting Lex and making him believe even for a second that I hated him.
The look on his face was just so awful. My stomach lurches when I think about
it.
I have no doubt in my mind that Lex will find the cure and that he will make
everything better. When I close my eyes and think of the look I want to run to
him and kiss all his troubles away. I will never believe that he consciously had
something to do with this. I will never believe that he would purposely cause
anybody harm.
Maybe I'm being naive to believe so strongly in him, but I don't think so. I
think that if he has somebody that trusts and believes and knows he is worth
everything, he will feel like he is loved. And I have to believe that this will
make all the difference.
~
7:25p
- Everything is better now
Thanks to Lex, who had doctors working round the clock, they found a cure.
Everybody is going to be fine. I just came back from the windmill. Lana wanted to
climb it so she could see the city. She seemed very happy when I dropped her off
at home.
Everybody that was infected forgot what they did while they were under, which is
a good thing since I would rather put the whole Lana hitting on me thing behind
me.
My dad and mom are in the house. Mom and I just decided not to tell dad what he
did. I never did tell mom how I had to chase dad down. I think it's best if I
kept that one to myself.
I went by the mansion to talk to Lex and thank him in person, but he was
packing. He had to leave for a business trip. I didn't get a chance to say much
of anything. When I tried to thank him he brushed me off and said he really
needed to go. It's weird because he seemed so distant but then when I tried to
get him to slow down he just gave me this look, grabbed me and kissed me hard.
Then he got into his car and drove off. I didn't even get a chance to ask how
long he'd be gone or where he was going or anything like that.
I called Pete to see if he's okay. He said his mom is pampering him, but his
brothers are still treating him the same. I asked if I could come by tomorrow so
we could maybe shoot some hoops. I don't think I'll tell him what he did while
he was infected. Lex would want to just forget it all. I'd like to forget the
whole week. It was just so weird.
I did get to see Lana in her skimpy red things. I didn't really give too many
details about that before, since it was very embarrassing. She stripped and
kissed me and then later (when I chased her down to stop her because she was
driving Lex's car across a field) she asked me if I was in love with her. I knew
there was something very wrong. I mean, she knows I'm with Lex so I have no idea
why she would do that. Since she doesn't remember doing it, I'll never really
know why. That's fine by me; like I said I wish I could forget it all.
The thing I want to forget the most is what my dad did. This flower made people
lose their inhibitions and say what's really on their mind.
~~
10:23p - Long day
I spent most of the day with
Pete. He's feeling much better now. He asked me a few times what he did but I
just told him to forget about it. I told him it was fine and that nobody got
hurt. We had a talk about Lex. I told him that Lex is very important to me and
that he would just have to accept that. I also apologized for not being around.
Then we hung out. It was nice but I have to admit I sometimes see that image in
my head of what he did.
I think of the image of my friend holding that gun and pointing it at Lex. It's
just not something I want to remember and not something I want Lex to have to
remember. Ever! I would have done anything to save him. Anything! I had to think
fast. I had to get that gun away from him. Maybe I made the wrong choice in how
to save him.
After I hung out with Pete I went downtown to get a coffee and I ran into Mr. K.
We parked and talked for a while. I wasn't really sure what to say. I couldn't
sleep last night because I kept thinking about Lex and what he said to me before
he left. I run it over and over again in my mind. I realize now that something
was really wrong and I didn't catch it.
When I got there he was getting ready to come by to let me know he was leaving
for a few days. Then when I touched him he flinched and stiffened and I close my
eyes and I see it in my mind. I can't believe I didn't pick up on it then. I
feel so stupid. I'm supposed to notice this stuff aren't I? I mean I love him
and he was hurt and maybe I am the reason he's hurt and not here. He kissed me
right after but I think now that he did that to reassure me.
I talked to Mr. K about it. He had a few things to say but I will not repeat
them since it was private. He was kind of upset about something. He said I made
him feel better, but I have no idea what I said. It's cool that he felt better.
He looked so sad.
He's such a nice guy. He has this way of making me feel comfortable. We talked
for a while and then drove back to the farm for fresh pie and milk. It was nice
to just sit and talk about stuff. It was nice to just feel relaxed and quiet.
So um you should just come home. Right?
~~~
9:57a
- Dreams suck
This totally sucks. I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. It's not fair! I
have to remember these things for the rest of my life! I have a prefect memory.
I never forget anything I see. Anything! Lex hitting me with his car, or Pete
pointing a gun at Lex and threatening to kill him; they are never going to go
away.
I had a nightmare about my dad. It was about the shooting. I remember every tiny
detail of that, too. I won't forget the struggle or the feel of the shotgun
exploding against my chest. Every once in a while I touch my chest where I was
hit and I flash back to it.
I know it was an accident and I know my daddy didn't mean to do it but it's just
so hard. I'm going to tell mom what happened. I need somebody to talk to about
it.
~~
11:01a - I have a little brother
His name is Ryan. He made
breakfast for us this morning mainly because he wanted to feel welcome. I could
have told him he doesn't have to do that since my mom and dad are practically
ready to adopt him. It would be so cool if that happened. I sometimes imagine
what having a sibling would be like. I guess this is how it feels. I can't wait
to hang out with him again today.
I spent the morning hanging out with him. We played basketball and he showed me
these comics he likes. Something called Warrior Angel. It's cool to have
somebody around who's younger that I can talk to. He seems to really enjoy my
company without demanding things from me like everybody else in my life.
On another note, I saw Lex yesterday when I did deliveries. I had to go in to
get the check for my mom so I couldn't avoid it. It wasn't that I wanted to
avoid it, but I've been feeling weird about the fact that instead of staying
here and talking to me about what was wrong he ran. I wanted to help him but he
took that choice away from me. I know it's his decision to make, but it still
hurt that he couldn't come to me.
He told me he needed to distance himself from those fake words I said to save
his life. I hate that I had to do it but there was a gun pointed at him and Pete
was not backing down. I had a millionth of a second to think up a plan.
Why should I have to make these kinds of choices? I'm just a kid.
The truth is I'm angry at my dad, but most of all I'm angry at myself.
So Lex told me we should just move past this. He's right.
~
10:00p -Yeah!!!!!
I haven't really told the
story of how we came to have a new member of the family.
Last night mom ran into this kid, Ryan. She took him to the hospital and since
he had no memory of where he's from my parents took him home. We've been put in
charge of him until they can figure out if he has family or where he belongs.
We just finished dinner a few hours ago and he's asleep now. I can't even begin
to tell you how wonderful it is to have him here. It's just the coolest thing
ever. He's younger than me so I have to be a big brother to him. I have always
wanted to be a big brother but I never thought it would happen. Mom and dad
definitely talked about keeping him. If we adopt him then I would have somebody
to hang out with all the time. I would have a brother.
I told Lana all about it. She seemed very excited so tomorrow I'm going to bring
him by the Talon to meet her. This is so amazing.
I have tons of homework to do. I need to calm down first and do a few chores.
I am so happy right now.
~
11:01p - Not proud but live and learn
Today Lex and I sort of had a fight on his journal. I look back at the comments and I
see that I was being way too confrontational. I must make a note of it here so
that I can learn something from this.
Oh well. I guess I could have handled it better. I have to admit this part made
me smile a lot.
And I'm glad you told me how you feel. And next time I'll run to you, not
away.
I have so much to be happy about right now. I wish I could go over to the
mansion but I can see him tomorrow. It's late and I have stuff to do.
Lex is just so awesome.
~~
11:04p - He's going to leave!
Here I am so happy to have a little brother in my life only to discover that
once a long time ago when Lex was young his baby brother died before he even had
a chance at life.
Lex looked so sad and bitter when he recounted the story of his only sibling,
Julian. I felt so bad because I was just so happy about Ryan and it turns out
Lex lost a brother.
I feel so numb right now. I thought I was going to have a nice happy day and
then he drops the bomb. His dad, Mr. Big, offered him a job in the city. My head
is spinning, I am so confused. I know it's what he's always wanted but I want to
shout at him not to go. I want to tell him to stay here with me in this hick
town.
He said he was a different person there with his father. I didn't say anything
because I was so shocked. I want to be supportive and I want him to be happy. He
didn't seem very happy, even after we kissed. He was so distant and solemn; so
sad. It made my heart wrench just seeing him leave. I have never felt so
strongly about anybody before.
His kisses were so gentle and so desperate. It was like he wanted to remember
what it was like because he's going to say yes to his dad. He could. I know it's
an option. He said he's having dinner with his dad to tell him his answer.
What if he leaves? What if he goes back and I never see him again? He would be
there and I would be here and he'd have all the distractions of the city to keep
him occupied. He wouldn't need me. I'm just a nothing farmer's kid.
He's Lex Luthor.
On top of that Ryan is leaving tomorrow. He has to go to social services. We
can't keep him. He's a great kid and I love being a big brother to him. I can
show him so much, but I don't get to do that. I get to be alone.
Everything was so good today. I took Ryan to the Talon to meet Lana and then he
got to meet Lex. He was kind of rude to Lex, and the weird thing is Ryan told me
about Lex's dad offering him the job. He told me Lex was going to leave.
I ran after Lex to apologize for how Ryan acted. He was so cool and
stand-offish. I told him that I wished I could kiss him right in the street. He
snapped at me and then told me to go back inside. I didn't know what to do so I
just went back in, which turned out to be a good thing since Ryan was in
trouble. He was out back inside a garbage truck. I had to rip it open to save
him.
He's asleep now. All the excitement wore him out.
Suddenly this day really sucks. I am so glad it's over.
~~
11:29p - foils and heroes
He gave me a foil and then
went off to the city, only he never made it because Ryan's step dad attacked him
and threw him out of a moving limo.
Ryan's asleep in my bed now. He was supposed to go to social service but the
lady that took him was actually the stepmother that was beating him. She's dead
now. Ryan's step dad killed her. I will never understand how a person can just
cavalierly kill another person. It's so horrifying to me. The police have Ryan's
step dad now.
I just called Lex to make sure he's okay. He says he called a limo to come get
him. I wanted to stay with Ryan in case he needs me or something. I can't
imagine how horrified he is by all this. I am so glad I was able to stop the
guy.
I'm too tired to say more now.
~~~
10:54a - Ryan's gone
We managed to find an aunt
who lives in Edge City.
He left with her. I'm really happy for him but at the same time I will miss him
a lot. We'll probably keep in touch and dad told him he's welcome to come by any
time. I'll probably go see him when I get a chance. Maybe this coming week since
spring break is here. I'll have to ask mom and dad. I bet they wouldn't mind
going.
I have another thing I haven't dealt with at all. I found out that Chloe wants me
to ask her to the spring formal. I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. When I
asked her about it she just kind of brushed it off. I didn't say anything after
since it just startled me way too much. I mean, she's taken and then this just
comes out of left field.
I better just leave it alone unless she mentions it again. I'm really not sure
what to do about it.
Other things have been bothering me as well. It's all just a jumble in my mind.
I need to take time to sort it out.
The other night Lex stopped by on his way to dinner with his father and gave me
a foil as a gift. He said every hero needs one. I haven't talked to him to see
if he said yes to Mr. Big's offer. I'm too afraid. What if he did? He looked
like he was going to. When I asked he said he wasn't sure one way or the other.
He gave me a going away present though, so he's probably going to say yes. I
told him I hope he stays.
I want him to stay, but I don't think I should count on it.
~~~
10:50p - Me being foolish
I wanted to be the reason he stayed. I wanted him to walk up to me and say
'you are my 'everything'.' I wanted him to want me to be with him forever.
I feel beyond foolish for even thinking this way. Like the time when we were in
my kitchen and I looked at him and all I could think was how it would be so
great if he and I lived here together; the two of us, like a family.
I watch him and I think he's mine and I could own him if I thought that
way. I could tell him to never go near anybody else ever. I have these dark
thoughts about him. Like if I don't do something right now to posses him he will
run off and I won't have him.
I want him to be mine, too. I want him to only belong to me. Not his father.
And not Bruce, or any of those people that he's already been with; just me.
I could do it. I could make him be mine, always.
~~
5:25p - He's staying
He didn't take his father's
offer, He's staying in town. It's so weird. I feel so weird. I mean, I am so
happy that he decided to stay. He made the choice for himself. I am happy;
really I am, but for some reason I feel off.
I guess a big part of me thought for sure he would say yes. I was prepared for
that to be his answer, and now that's he's staying I don't know whether to feel relieved, or angry that
he's just putting off his "goodbye" for some later time. Does that make me a bad person?
We went on a movie date last night. It was nice. I had a real great time. We ran
into Whitney and his friends in the concession line. At first I was nervous but
it seemed fine. Whitney was nice enough. The movie was good. The popcorn was
good. It was nice to be somewhere with Lex other than the mansion or my barn.
The only part that sucked was I couldn't openly touch him. I did sneak a few
touches here and there. He seemed fine with that.
I still have a ton of chores to do. I tried to call him a few minutes ago but
he's not available. Normally he always comes when I call.
~
9:23p
- Bitch!
I do not have a temper! Why would he say that? And say it in front of all those
other people. @#$&%#%$#
That did not make me feel better. I fucking smashed the rail in the loft I was
so mad. I guess I do have a temper but I would never hurt him or anther person.
Fuck him and fuck that jerk who told me off.
Big fucking jerks.
I feel sick.
~~
9:05p - Calmer today
Mom and dad are not happy
with me. I broke a few things yesterday. I spent most of the morning fixing the
railing I trashed and apologizing to mom for breaking her dishes. Lex and I had
a little bit of a disagreement. I'm not really sure how it happened all I know
is before I knew it I was so angry I could spit nails.
Just before I did deliveries Lana showed up. She looked so sad I brought her into
the kitchen and offered her some juice. Things aren't going so great for her and
Chloe. At least Lana thinks they aren't. Chloe has been too busy for her lately. I felt
so bad I wasn't sure what to do so I hugged her. She cried until her tears
soaked my shirt. I hadn't realized how upset she was until she started to cry. A
part of me wanted to hold her forever. A part of me wanted to be what would make
her happy.
I'm sure Chloe doesn't mean to hurt Lana, but at that moment I almost wished
Lana was
mine. It was a little confusing. Then I had to leave, which was fine since Lana
was really there to talk to my mom.
I did deliveries as I do every Monday but Lex wasn't home. He was out on
business. He told me last night that we would talk today, but I guess it will
have to wait. I hope he didn't do this to avoid me. I was a little harsh with
him on the phone last night. I hate that he drinks and I just wish he wouldn't
turn to alcohol when he's feeling upset. He claimed he'd had a hard day and
needed to unwind. I sounded so after school-special I wanted to shoot myself.
He's an adult and I know he can take care of himself, but still, I wish he
wouldn't do that to his body. I don't like it.
~~~
11:14a - The horrors of being a super strong alien from another planet.
Last night things did not go well. I was alone with my chores since mom was at
her class and dad needed to do something in the back field. Just as I was
finishing up the last of them and about to go in for a shower Mr. K (Feegan)
shows up. First off I was dirty and stinky and just in general not really
prepared for company. It was very nice to see him, though. He looked really
good. I mean, I look, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I offered him a drink of lemonade and before I knew it I found myself spilling
everything about what happened with Lex. I told him almost everything which in
retrospect might not have been such a great idea but I desperately needed
somebody to talk to about the whole situation. It's not like I could go to mom.
She has enough of my freakiness to deal with and I really don't want to add to
it.
Feegan made comments about how I could channel my anger in a constructive way.
He meant in the bedroom.
I quote exactly:
"Instead of taking out your anger and frustration by fighting with
Lex...channel it into your lovemaking. Uh...control him there...use something
like scarves or his ties to bind his hands and ankles. Make Lex know he's at
your mercy. BUT...you can't hurt him, Clark. This isn't about punishment. This
is about working through what is upsetting you about Lex's recent behavior. Can
you understand the difference?"
I get hard just thinking about this. The only problem is that I could never do
it. I am way too strong and I could hurt him so easily. I break keyboards just
by typing. For the most part I have learned to control my strength but, I don't
know how easily I could control myself with Lex like that; tied up and at my
mercy. The image alone, which I used last night to jerk off to, makes me want to
claw, bite and just take what I want.
I guess at this point I have to admit to myself that I want him like that. I
want to have him at my mercy, begging me to fuck him hard. I hate that word but
how else am I supposed to say it (nobody else but me can see it).
Feegan admitted that he's been tied up and spanked. I didn't want to know by
whom. I am pretty sure I know the answer to that question. Although spanking me
is totally useless, unless there are meteor rocks around and even then it would
not be the kind of pain that Feegan was talking about.
After that it kind of spiraled into weirdness I never could have predicted. He
asked if we had alcohol so I offered him a beer. It seemed like a harmless thing
to do. Then I realized he wouldn't be able to drive so I offered to drive him
over to the mansion that way he would be able to crash there and not worry. It
really annoys me that people think I am a big nerd just because I think it's
un-cool to drink. It's even more un-cool to drink and drive.
He insisted he was fine and since he'd only had one beer he could handle it, but
I just couldn't let it go. So I drove him over to the mansion. He left dad a
note that he was taking the whole six-pack. (Which dad found last night - he was
unhappy. I am to replace it out of my own allowance.)
Lex was there. He wasn't too happy to see us. It escalated into a scene in the
foyer. Feegan and Lex really don't get along. They always seem to clash no
matter what. After being insulted by Lex yet again over my attitude on drinking,
I practically begged Feegan to go back to my place with me. I was so embarrassed
and wished I could just vanish into the floorboards. At first I ran, but then I
realized I'd only recently told Lex I hated that he ran so I turned around and
went back.
I almost wish I hadn't. I was so frustrated and infuriated. I ordered Feegan to
go up to bed so that Lex and I could talk in private. When I saw Lex I just fell
apart. I wanted to smash everything in the room; everything except him of
course. I am so not happy with how I handled this. I did smash a few things. He
made me so angry and when I finally told him I was that mad at him he was glad I
admitted it.
I grabbed him way too hard. I know I hurt him but he said something to get me to
let go. It wasn't a safe word but much worse. He asked if I was going to break
him next. I was so horrified I let go. I wanted to die on the spot. I'm a
monster; a horrible monster. I have to learn how not to hurt.
And after all that Lex is the one who comforts me. I did not deserve it at all.
I had the nightmare again last night about how he finds out the truth about my
alien heritage and hates me. I hate that nightmare so much. It takes me forever
to recover after I wake up from it.
I need to learn to channel my rage. I have to admit I have a temper. I have to,
for Lex's sake, be more careful than I have ever been. He's fragile and I would
never want to be the reason he gets hurt.
~~~
12:16a - Tonight was nice
I spent almost all day
helping mom and dad. The work is endless. Then tonight Lana held a poetry reading
thing over at the Talon. I went to support her and Lex was there. It was sort of
weird to be in a public place with him in town. I realized it was the first time
we'd been like that in a while. In a way it was nice to be relaxed.
Lex was his public self which if you know him is kind of freaky since he's very
different than when he's alone with me. I still enjoyed being there with him. He
looked amazing. He made my heart flutter.
The night was a great success. I am so glad for Lana. She's really taken the
coffee house and made it work. I couldn't be prouder. She was so busy I only had
a chance to talk to her briefly. She thanked me again for the talk we had. I'm
not sure how I helped but I am glad that I did.
~~
2:49a
- My world changed forever tonight
I went over to see Lex. We talked, and I got what I wanted.
When we made love I got him to admit he stayed in Smallville for me.
It was amazing. Lex is amazing. I feel tingly all over. I want to go back to the
mansion and do it again. He was so warm and yielding. Way softer than I thought,
but hard at the same time. So tight I get hard when I think about it.
~
10:15a - First time
I just took a shower. I have to admit it was the first time I wished I didn't
have to. I wanted Lex's smell to linger. When I got home early this morning from
the mansion I just fell into bed. Luckily mom and dad didn't notice I was gone.
That would have been embarrassing. I know I would not have been able to look
them in the eyes after what had just happened.
I'm not a virgin any more!
Last night I was so nervous about talking to Lex, and then this happens. I mean
I asked him if I could. And my last post sounded so girly. I can't even make
sense of what happened and how it happened. We did it, had sex and now that it's
over I can't say that I feel bad or regret it or wish it hadn't happened.
I'm all over the place this morning.
My mind is in turmoil right now. I haven't even gone down for breakfast yet. I
will have to eventually but I need to get this out, because nobody can ever find
out what happened. Lex would be in so much trouble, not just from mom and dad
but the police. There's no way I'm ever letting that happen. According to law
I'm underage but the truth is they don't really know how old I am. I could be
one hundred for all we know. They had to guess my age when they found me since I
didn't come with a note.
He just smelled so good and he looked so hot. I wanted him so badly and we
kissed and then I undressed us. I was nervous but I ordered him not to stop me.
Once I touched his naked body I couldn't stop it. I wanted him. I wanted to
control him. I wanted him under me and I wanted to be in him, owning him. I
wanted him to admit that I was the reason he stayed here even if it wasn't true.
I was so turned on and when he slipped the condom on me I practically came on
the spot but I managed to hold on until I was inside him. I felt so powerful and
it wasn't the kind of power I have when I use my strength. I was in control of
my body and it felt amazing. He let me pin him down and gave me something I
could not have ever dreamed of getting from anybody; he gave me trust without
even knowing it.
When I was on top of him and deep inside him I suddenly needed to hear him say
it. I ordered him to say that I'm the reason why he stayed. Once I had his cock
in my hand he finally said it. When he said the words, when he said - 'Yes...it
was for you. Of course it was for you.' I came so hard I think I saw stars.
I don't know why I needed to hear it so badly. I just needed him to acknowledge
what I already knew was true. The way he said it makes me believe I was right.
He said he didn't have to stay for us to be together but he stayed and I know I
am why.
I have to get going since we're driving to Edge city today to visit Ryan. Thank
god he can't read my mind. That would be so hard to deal with. Plus not really
wanting to share this experience with anybody else.
This is going to be a long drive.
I love Lex so much.
~
10:01p - Back from visiting Ryan
Mom and I had a pretty good
time. She drove me to Ryan's place. Ryan is so much happier now. His aunt is
very nice. I took Ryan to see a movie. The theater was empty since it was a
matinee and the movie had been out for a while. That was fine because we still
had a great time. After the movie we went for a soda and I told him what's been
going on. I gave him Lana's message. When I told her I was going to see him she
said to say hello. He was ecstatic to hear that she said hello.
My mom and I had dinner with Ryan and his aunt. It was nice. I'm so glad things
worked for him. I do still wish he could be my brother but I'm glad he's happy.
The ride home seemed longer than the ride there. Mom seemed distant. When I
asked what was wrong she confessed that she missed Ryan a lot.
I have a few chores to do and then I am turning in. I am so tired. I've had a
really busy last few days.
~
11:09p - Nice day
It's the official last day of spring break. I should be upset that it's almost
over but I will actually be glad to get back to school. I miss Chloe, I miss Pete and
I miss having classes to go to.
Today I went riding with Lana. It was so nice and relaxing and just what I needed.
I haven't seen her much this week so it was nice to get all caught up on what's
going on. She seemed in higher spirits this time. When I picked her up at the
coffee shop she was talking to this girl. They seemed kind of into each other.
Anyway, Lana was really upbeat and it helped me forget that I haven't seen Lex for
a few days. Not that he has to see me every day. I was very busy the last few
days.
After Lana and I rubbed down the horses I went home, showered and went over to PR's. He got back from his vacation today. It was so weird because he kept
bragging about this girl he met. I kind of wished I could brag, but I know it
wouldn't have gone over well.
Something very important happened to me on Wednesday night. I went to see Lex
and he admitted that I was the main reason he chose to stay here in town rather
than take Mr. Big's offer. Other things happened that I am still trying to work
out. It was the best night of my life. He was amazing and just so wonderful.
I feel tired tonight but it's a good tired.
I sort of fell asleep in Lex's bed on Wednesday night. I managed to wake up in
time to get home before mom and dad found out I was gone. It was so amazing
waking up beside him. I wish I could do it every night.
~~
8:26p
I was supposed to talk to Lex today, but dad needed me to go with him for some
parts. I've been gone all day. I just got home and now I am too afraid to call.
I know I should, I told him I would but it's been almost three days since we did
it. I think about every single detail of that night and I can't resolve in my
mind why I was so compelled to ask the question right when I was inside him. I
never expected to, I would have wanted the sex even if he had told me that I was
not why he stayed.
I feel weird tonight. I feel like the farther I get away from that moment the
more dreamlike it seems. Like it was just some fantasy I concocted.
I shouldn't have asked the question at that moment. It was unfair and completely
wrong. How do I take it back? How do I change what happened? I need to be
somewhere else right now and that is not near Lex.
~~
12:02a - stupid alien life
He's like a flame I'm drawn to.
I can't turn away. I want to own him, be consumed by him.
My lies eat away at me and I wish I had never come to this place. I have to do
something. I want to tell him; I have to tell him. How can he be with me? I lie
to him every day.
I am torn in two directions. Part of me is so terrified that I am paralyzed by
the idea of telling him and part of me wants to just blurt it out.
I hate my life. I should just break it off so it hurts less in the long run.
He stopped by tonight since I hadn't gone by to see him. It was an intense
conversation.
It's so weird, I don't regret that we did it, I wanted that. I think maybe I
went about it the wrong way. I feel so ashamed of myself right now. I feel gross
and icky that I could be so forceful.
He said he could have used the safe word at any moment. He never did. He liked
it. He wanted me to own him in that moment.
I can't handle that right now. I want to lock that me away and never let him out
again.
~~
11:33p - new things
I shot some hoops with PR today and after that we drove over to his place to
hang for a while. He told me some more about this girl he met. I just nodded in
the right places etc.
Mom made a lot of pies today. It drove me insane. She spared one for me. It was
amazing as always.
So can one of you sweet nice super people on my friends list make me an angel
icon (not the one with the big forehead) Maybe some pretty art angels. I need
more and I think I have room for a few more icons.
Dad actually gave me a break today. Unfortunately the part we picked up the
other day is not enough. Another part broke down. I wish we could afford a new
tractor.
I feel kind of yuck tonight. It's not anything I can put my finger on. Just yuck
in general. Maybe it's because I'll be going back to school tomorrow.
Off to pick lint out of my bellybutton. I suck. Blah!!
~~
3:29a - Just got back from the mansion
And I think things are
better. I felt hollow inside until I went there to talk to him. At first I told
him it was to just hug and kiss but he wouldn't put up with that. I'm glad
because I needed a good ass kicking. I deserved it. I was acting childish and he
deserves way better.
We talked and I admitted a few things and he told me it was okay and other
things that I think for now I will keep it private.
I watched him fall asleep. I stayed for a while to just watch him. He is
gorgeous asleep. I mean the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. In my life.
I must think more on all of this.
~
5:01p
Back to school and things are
back to normal, sort of. I guess for most of my friends they are anyway. I think
I must have hugged Chloe for a half hour when I saw her. I really missed her so
much. She gave me this weird look. I didn't bother asking.
Thank you so much for the icons. They are amazing. Now I can use them when I
leave comments over at Lex's journal.
I have deliveries to make. Of course this means I get to see Lex, if he's home.
I heard he re-hired Mr. K. This is kind of cool except for the fact that the
last time I saw him, things were kind of weird. I sort of ordered him around and
stuff. If I'm lucky he'll not mention it. He will probably be working so
hopefully he'll be too busy to talk.
~
10:51p - I fell and you caught me.
Lex was in his office today. I stopped in to just say hello and he invited me to
play a game of pool. It was so nice and relaxed. I think he won. We did a little
kissing and touching. He's got these really, really, really nice hips that I
love to just grab and today I was reminded of . . . well things. I got hard as
soon as he kissed me. Although the truth is I was already half way there. Just
being near him makes me feel hot and tingly.
We were interrupted by Mr. K. I was so embarrassed I don't think I even looked
him in the eyes. I excused myself and got out of there fast. At least it meant I
didn't have to talk to Mr. K. Lex didn't get mad or anything at him. He was
actually real nice to him. Very polite.
I had a ton of homework. It's like the teachers missed giving it out so they
piled it on big time. We have to write an essay on a book of our choice, but it
has to be something literary. It has to be approved by the teacher. I think I'll
ask Lex advice. Maybe he could recommend something cool.
I have to get to bed now since mom and dad are back to cracking the whip now
that school is on again.
~
10:39a - sweet dreams are made of these...
I don't know what is more embarrassing, waking up floating (with a hard on), or
my mother finding me that way. Good thing I wore boxers to bed. That would have
been so much more embarrassing.
I had a really nice dream. I dreamt Lex and I were flying over Smallville. In
the dream I held him close to my chest. I was also hard there, so I guess my
mind knew what my body was up to. Lex was happier than I have ever seen him. He
told me he would give me the world and that we would be together forever until
the end of time.
Then mom woke me up and I found myself five feet above my bed. I crashed as soon
as I woke up. I think mom is freaked out. I gave her a hug when I went down to
breakfast but I don't think it helped. She seemed really shaken up. I suppose
seeing your son defy gravity would do that.
For some reason I am in such a happy mood today. I think I'm freaking people out
because I can't stop smiling.
I can't wait to see Lex today. I think I'm going to just throw myself at him
when I see him, unless we're in public. Then maybe I will just pinch his ass
stealthily.
~
10:47p - Blow jobs and the perfect end to a great day
Okay so I didn't get to pinch his ass, but I think sucking him off in his office
is way better.
School was great. I couldn't stop smiling. Chloe seemed off but I gave her a big
hug. Not that hugs are the cure for all. I just felt like she needed it,
although she did guess why I was smiling so much. I didn't confirm it. When she
said you look like you got laid, I couldn't stop the blush. I hate that I blush
so easily. Stupid blush response.
I ran into Lex at the Talon and asked if he had any ideas for what book I could
do. He loaned me a copy of The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins. It was the same copy
he meant to give me way back when. I thanked him by getting on my knees and
giving him a blow job. It gave me a high the way he responded to my tongue and
my mouth on his cock.
After he came he returned the favor. I touched his head while he sucked me off
and almost came instantly. He looked so hot on his knees, sucking me off. I
wanted to just slam into his mouth until I was all the way down his throat,
coming deep in his mouth.
I couldn't take my eyes off him. His glistening, red lips stretched around me,
taking me in. I watched every second of it. His mouth is so gorgeous and hot and
wet and looks so beautiful stretched around my cock.
I love Lex's voice, but when his tongue is on me, I have to admit, I love that
more. His tongue is magic. He does this thing with it that just makes my balls
tighten. They tighten if I think about it hard enough. Just thinking about it
now is making me very hard.
When he finished me off I slid to the floor, I couldn't stand anymore. We kissed
and that was so hot. I could taste myself in his mouth. If I hadn't just come
that would have made me hard. It was like a high. I wanted more, so I did throw
myself on him and we made out for a few minutes. It was so amazing just making
out and when I had to leave I felt like I'd just had the best sex ever, even
though it was just a blow job.
I have to go jerk off - a few times.
~
11:06p - picked a book
Lex helped me pick out a book
for my essay.
I've decided to do The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins.
Lex loves it so I think I want to read it. Maybe it will give me some insight
into that gorgeous brain of his. I never talk about that, but Lex is very smart.
He's also very sexy. He has this scar on his top lip that makes me twitch when
he licks it. When his lips are wet they look even better.
~~~
11:58p - changes
School was weird. I found out
something today that totally shocked me. I went to drop off my article for the
newspaper and found Chloe in tears. Her girlfriend cheated on her with another
girl. Last week Lana introduced me to this girl. I didn't think anything of it,
but now I realize Lana has been spending time with her. I saw them together a few
times and I noticed this girl handing out at the Talon. I never thought anything
of it.
I tried to comfort Chloe as best I could. She doesn't want to break up with Lana. I
couldn't help but think of what happened to me. I dropped Lex as soon as I found
out he'd let that lady touch him. I told Chloe to go with her heart since she isn't
me. She won't have the same reactions I had. I hated that Lex did that to me.
I said that maybe she could stay away from Lana just to think things through. She
decided to do that. I'm glad because I hate to see her cry. It hurts to know
that she's hurting like that. My heart just ached when I held her in my arms.
Chloe
is a really good person. I wish this wasn't happening to her.
I invited her over for pie. She stopped by around seven and we had a great time.
I wanted to take her mind off everything. I think it worked. She was smiling
when she left.
When I did the deliveries today I ran into Mr. K. I knew it was inevitable. He
asked me about the night I drove him to the mansion. I think he thought I set
him up with Lex, but I assured him I was just trying to help him. I hate to
think that he would hurt himself by drinking and driving. That sort of behavior
is just plain irresponsible.
Lex had to go on a business trip. He left earlier today. He stopped by to let me
know. We snuck into the barn for a minute for a quick kiss. I was so terrified
dad would catch us, but at the same time I was very excited.
He won't be back for a few days. He went to Switzerland. I've never even been
outside of the state. I miss him already.
I started the book tonight.
~~
10:19p - I have...
... a ton of homework. I
started that book (which my teacher approved). She talked for five minutes about
it. She read it. So far it's pretty good. It's set in the past and there's this
stone people took that had a curse. I'm looking forward to talking to Lex about
it and finding out what it is about the book he loves.
I tried to talk to Lana at school today, but she was always too busy. When I went
to the Talon to see if she had time to talk her aunt N told me to bug off. I
don't think her aunt likes me very much. She always tells me to go away whenever
I try to talk to Lana, and she's around.
As I was leaving the coffee shop I noticed that girl that Chloe said Lana got to know
while Chloe was away in the city over spring break. She's really pretty. I've never
actually talked to her beyond an "excuse me" here or there. The only thing I can
remember about her is that she's very quiet.
Lex is still away. I miss him a huge amount. He's too busy to call, I'm sure.
Dad let me off the hook on chores since I have so much homework. Mom is baking
more pies. The smell is killing me.
I better get cracking.
~~~
11:25p - Okay tell me something
Just because I get driven to school by a guy does that automatically mean gay?
The more I think on this the more it annoys me. I ran into Mr. K on the way to
school. He was on the side of the road with a flat so I helped him fix it, and
in exchange he gave me a ride to school. The car he was driving was sweet; a
black, convertible Beemer.
I forgot to say that we overheard some guys from the football team make nasty
comments about me. Mr. K made a joke and I just brushed it off. I chose to
ignore them. It's not worth it in my opinion.
Anyway, I left Lana alone today. I figure she'll talk to me if she wants to. I did
ask Whitney if she'd talked to him. I didn't think he'd know but I had to see. He
didn't know anything. His dad's been very sick so Whitney has to take care of the
store. I feel bad for him sometimes. I know he wasn't nice to me, but he's
trapped and I can see it in his eyes that he feels that way.
Mom sat me down today to talk about Lex. She wanted to know how things were
going with us. I told her things were great, but I couldn't stop myself from
blushing. I hate that. She asked without saying the words if things have
happened between us. I was so embarrassed. I played dumb. She lost her nerve and
ordered me to go do chores.
Lex didn't call. He's probably very busy. I sent him an e-mail.
Now I want to go back to reading my book. It's interesting.
~~~
1:12a - Busy day today
I woke up at five am to help
dad with the chores. Dad needed to go to the next town again for another part so
after he left I helped mom. After dinner I took my book and went into town to
sit at the coffee shop and read. Lana was working. She thought I didn't want to
talk to her, but the truth is, I want to. I don't know what happened with her,
but she's my friend. I told her to come by the farm tomorrow so we could talk.
She seemed relieved but then she ran off.
Her 'boyfriend' was there with his buddies. He followed her to the back after
she ran off looking really upset. He wasn't pleased with me. He must have
thought I said something to upset her, but after he came back out, he didn't
approach me, he just glared more. I resisted the urge to say something nasty. I
just can't stoop to his level. Although I have to admit he wasn't one of the
guys who made comments yesterday.
My best friend PR showed with a 'hot' date. He saw me sitting alone and came
over to say hi. He thought I was there to stalk Lana. His exact words were 'CK,
you should move on. There are other fish in the sea.' I didn't correct him.
Technically I was there to see Lana, but only to make sure she was okay.
I read the book for a few hours and drank coffee. It was a nice change from the
loft, plus I think mom and dad were doing stuff. The book is interesting. The
language is different, but I understand what's being said. A few times I had to
look up a word, (I brought a dictionary with me) and I had to read some of the
sentence twice to get what it's trying to say. I can't wait to find out what
happens next.
After I came home I stayed out in the loft to do some stargazing. The sky was so
pretty tonight. I miss Lex more today. He e-mailed back to say he'd been home
some time tonight. I think I'll wait for him to call. If he's tired I don't want
to bother him.
~
2:12a
- Stars
I stare at the sky and wonder which star is mine. Where did I come from? I spend
nights staring up into the heavens, wondering.
I couldn't wait. I had to see him now. I went over to the mansion, but Lex was
asleep. He must have been really tired since he was passed out on his bed still
in his pants and shirt. He didn't even take off his socks. He looked so peaceful
I didn't want to wake him so I just watched for a while. He looks so young and
almost angelic. No masks no guard-up, just pure Lex. I wondered if his mind was
still moving a mile a minute even in sleep.
He moaned a few unintelligible words. I'd like to think it was my name, but I
couldn't really tell. Maybe it was just general mumbling. I wonder if he has
nightmares. I have them still. I had the dream again where nobody pulled me down
from the cross in the field.
I still can't sleep. I feel restless. Almost like I should be doing something
but I'm not really sure what.
~~
11:46 pm - Mm
My day
ended well despite it being bumpy.
School was school. I stopped by the Talon to see if Lana could spare a few
seconds. We went to the back to talk. That girl was there, sitting in a corner
watching Lana. I told Lana I thought that was unfair to Chloe to have her there where
Chloe could run into her. Lana didn't agree and we got into a little argument.
Apparently you could hear us all the way out into the coffee shop because Lex
came back to see what all the noise was about. I left it up to Lana to say
something but she just told him it was personal. I can see why she wouldn't want
Lex to know she's screwed things up with Chloe for a kiss with another girl. I just
can't believe Lana lets that girl hang out at the Talon like that.
I left after that with Lex. We went back to the mansion and hung out for a few
hours. Then I had to go home for dinner and homework. Now I'm taking a break.
~~
12:00a - Mm cock
Lex tasted so good today. He smelled amazing. When he parked the car I couldn't
hold back any longer. I dived on him, and we made out in the car. I was so
excited I broke off the door handle on his side when I grabbed for a handhold. I
tossed it in the back seat. Lex just shrugged and didn't say anything.
We moved inside to the TV room. I was so excited I came in my jeans. It's not as
embarrassing as it used to be. I couldn't leave him all hard so I sucked him
off. I love how I can make him all weak and speechless. Plus, I love having his
cock in my mouth. It's like I own him in that moment. He's all mine and nobody
and nothing can get in the way.
I wish I could wake up every morning and suck him off.
If only things were so simple.
~~
12:02a
I am so tired of my dad thinking that Lex will cart me off to some lab if he
finds out my secret. It stresses me out enough already that I can't tell Lex,
and listening to dad drone on and on about it just makes it worse.
Dad practically said
it today that if the evil Luthors find out about me they'd have me hacked into
pieces.
I know Lex would never do this, but I can't tell dad how I know, and as long as
I'm his son, living in his house,
I have to listen to him.
Dad found out about Lex investigating the accident. I blurted it out that I knew
all along and that Lex has left it behind us. Bad move on my part. Dad freaked.
It was nice to just be at the mansion. At one point Lex quietly sat down close
beside me. We kissed and it was like fireworks. I feel so hot and out of
control. I want him to devour me. I felt so free and happy.
Being with Lex is the most calming and most wonderful thing in the world. I want
to cry at the unfairness of it. I love him. Why can't things be easier for us?
This is going to give me nightmares.
~
12:09a - Have you ever...
Said something you wish you could take back?
I had a huge fight with my dad. I felt so bad. I tried to backtrack but I could
see it in his eyes. It was too late.
I went straight over to the mansion right after.
Every year my dad and I go fishing. We've been doing it since I was seven. He
doesn't seem to get that I'm not seven any more. I tried to get him to see that
maybe we could do something else, like go see the football game. Lex offered to
give us box seats! How could my dad turn that down? Instead my dad refuses it
(probably because it's Lex who offered the tickets to us). I am so sick of his
attitude toward Lex. I know part of why I'm so angry at him is because of what
he said about Lex.
When I was at the coffee shop today I ran into Lex and he told me about Mr.
Big's idea of what a fishing trip is. His dad is really weird. I can't imagine
having a father like that.
While I was there I saw Lana crying right after she got a phone call. I was so
worried I asked what was wrong. Whitney's dad had another heart attack. I went with
Lana to see him in the hospital since Whitney was MIA. We sort of worked things out on
the way over to the hospital. I apologized for being out of line about that
girl. Then we just put things aside for Mr. F's sake.
It's been such a busy day. My mom made me help her with her Mobile Meals. She
likes to do a lot of volunteer work. I really don't like helping her. I have to
confess I find old sick people hard to deal with. I never know what to say or do
around them.
After the fight with dad I stayed at the mansion as long as I could. I wanted
dad to be asleep when I got home. It was so nice to just be near Lex especially
since the day had been so hectic.
12:02a
Lex isn't home. I tried calling but nobody answered. I want to go over. I need to just get away from all of this, get away from the freak stuff that always seems to happen around here. I guess that isn't possible. No matter how hard I try. Even when I'm not trying to find trouble, it finds me.
My mom almost died today. If I hadn't been at the right place at the right time she would be ash right now. I don't even know how to think right now. This guy has this freak accident and then he comes into town. Without even realizing it he wreaks havoc on the people around me, thinking he was helping them. I stopped him just before he killed my friend's father, the one who had a heart attack.
Then this guy kills himself right in front of me before I can stop him.
Dad and I still aren't talking. I don't know what to say to him. Mom gave me this speech about regret, and then I gave Whitney a speech about that, too. It seems to be the topic of the day; that and death.
I'm so glad the day is over.
I want to go to the mansion now.
~
1:26p - I love Lex so much!!!!!
I told Lex about what happened to Whitney's dad. I can't believe how amazing Lex is. He's getting some of the key players of the Sharks to come all the way to Smallville to play a game with Whitney so his father can watch his son fulfill a dream.
Lex just called to tell me what he'd arranged. He asked me to wait for him at school since the players would be coming there to play tonight. I am so excited!
He is so amazing.
~
1:59p - Gah!!!&%@#
I fell asleep in Lex's bed last night. I had no intention of doing it but when I went over he wasn't home and nobody was around. There was one security guy at the gate, but I bypassed him with my speed. I think I'm getting faster.
I looked all over for him and when I didn't find him I went up to his room just to wait for him. I dozed off and when I woke up next it was morning and Lex was on top of me. It was the best wake-up call ever. He was licking my nipples and I was so hard it hurt. He was hard, too. I resisted the urge to shove him into the mattress and kiss him as hard as I could. I was so happy to see him.
It's like when I'm alone with him there is this part of me that comes out and it feels more real than any other part of me that I have ever shown to anybody. I needed him so badly and I told him. I told him with as much honesty as I could. I wanted, no, I needed him to believe how important he is to me. I love him more than I can ever express anywhere.
This morning I expressed it in the shower. I wanted to rip his clothes off right there on the bed; instead I asked if we could go take a shower together. He gladly accepted.
I have never felt so free and open with anybody before. I stripped in front of him shamelessly, and teased him to follow me to the shower. I felt like I was where I belonged. He makes me feel so comfortable with myself.
I totally forgot I hadn't worn underwear last night. Lex was pleasantly surprised. I love to put that smile on his face. I wish I could do that every single day.
He willingly let me drag him into the shower and as soon as he was in the stall with me I got on my knees and sucked him off. (I think I want to suck him off in every single room in the mansion. I know his place has a lot of rooms.) This time I made sure to draw it out as long as I could. And I swallowed. I can still taste him in my mouth.
Then he sucked me off, and the sight of Lex on his knees, sucking me, is so hot I get hard just thinking about it. I am so glad I already had gym class today.
Lex pulled his mouth off my cock just as I was about to climax and had me come all over his chest and face. I guess he likes that, or maybe it was being in the shower since the water washes it all away. I feel like I marked him somehow. I think he wants me to mark him.
I can't wait to see him again. Even if it's in public and I blush so hard I combust.
~~~~~~~~
11:55 pm - The game was a hit!!
Like the subject says things were so amazing. Lex was thanked by all. I can't wait to thank him in private. My dad and I made up. We're going fishing on Sunday. I still don't really want to go, but Lex said I should. He's right. Dad just wants to spend time with me, and for to be happy.
I get Friday night to myself since mom and dad are going out to dinner. I think I'll see if Lex is available. I want to try this thing with my tongue. I brought an extra blanket out to the loft so we won't get cold.
I got a chance to talk to Lana at the game. She seemed in better spirits.
After dad and I got back from the game I was in such a good mood. I need to get to bed now. I have so much work to do in the morning since I skipped chores tonight.
~~~~~~
1:05a - I couldn't imagine...
... What it would be like to have a father like Lex's dad. My dad seems to dislike Mr. Big to the point of projecting that dislike on Lex. I have never held it against Lex who his father is. I know Lex doesn't hold who my father is against me. I'm just a farmer's son. My dad isn't perfect. He forces me to be something I'm not sometimes.
So I understood when Lex told me what he did.
I understand trying to live up to what your father wants. I try to do that every day. I'm going on a fishing trip that I don't want to go on to make my dad happy. I want my dad to be proud of me. I want him to be happy with the son he raised.
But more and more I see that it will never happen. My dad expects me to do great things. He tells me I am meant for so much more, and that one day I will live up to that. I have no doubt that Lex hears the same thing from his father.
It's an expectation that part of me hates, and part of me strives to live up to every single day.
I can't imagine what it's like to be Lex, to live in his world. He's one of the strongest people I have ever met. I know a little bit about his life before he came to Smallville. He told me his father sets only one limitation which is to not cause a scandal and to not get caught. I imagine his relationship with me is one of those 'don't get caught things.'
He said he needed to get a message across to his father in a way that Mr. Big would understand. Sometimes words aren't enough, and I get that. I had to make my dad believe that I was freaked over the car accident so I shoved my arm in the wood chipper. A dramatic action to let him know I was serious.
Sometimes dramatic is all some people understand.
I have done things that I never told my dad about. Things that I think he would not be proud of. I can't imagine drugging somebody and driving them to my father to get a message across, but I can imagine other things. I have never hurt another person on purpose, but I've been forced to hurt people.
Did Lex feel like he was forced to do what he did? Maybe I should ask him.
I need to think on this some more. Dad has everything ready for the trip and I need sleep.
~
10:46p - Fishing and father son bonding
We fished and caught nothing. It was nice. Not as horrible as I thought it would be, but it was nice to be with dad. He seemed really happy so that was all that mattered to me. We ate the lunch my mom made for us and talked about the upcoming season. Dad loves to speculate about whether it will be a good year or not. He's predicting a good year.
My dad isn't really all that hard to please sometimes. He'd an honest, hardworking man.
I gave him exactly what he wanted until the end. Then on the way home I asked him something. I asked him to please try harder with Lex. I told him that Lex is important to me. He promised that things will change, and that the game made him see that Lex is not at all like his father.
When we got home I was so relieved to have a shower and wash the river off. Mom made my favorite for dinner, and after I ate I did my homework. I guess it's not that bad to have a tradition, and if it makes my dad happy, I think I can live with it.
~
11:13p - Changes
The trip was not terrible. I had an okay time. We didn't catch anything. We did sit and stew a lot and talk a lot. I wasn't really sure how to get through to dad about how things have changed for me. I am not the same boy anymore. I think he just wants to pretend it isn't happening. I know he hates that one day I will leave and become something different.
Ever since Lex hit me with his car my life has been turned upside down. I figured out one of the reasons dad doesn't like him; he blames Lex for forcing him to tell me the truth. I think if it wasn't for that accident, dad would have kept the secret for as long as possible. I love my dad but I have to admit I hated him just for a moment when I found out how much of a freak I really am. He kept this secret from me for all these years.
Towards the end of our trip I brought Lex up. I asked dad why he hates him so much. Dad, of course, denied that he hates Lex. I called him on it, and before I knew it we were shouting into each other's faces. That was when he yelled that if it hadn't been for Lex our lives (his life) would be so much easier. I dragged it out of him what he meant by that.
At first I was so ticked I ran off, but after ten minutes I went back. Dad was still just sitting there staring into the water. I told him I'm not a boy anymore. Even though I'm the son he's raised all these years, I'm an alien, a freak, and no amount of denial will ever change that. At first he told me to stop, but then I showed him. I lifted a tree trunk above my head to emphasis my point.
Then I told him that the day Lex hit me with his car was one of the best days of my life. I told him I was glad it happened, and that now I can deal with something I should have already been dealing with all my life. After I said that dad didn't say anything else.
He can't hate somebody for taking away something he never had. Dad thinks he can control this. I love him and mom. That is never going to change, but they have to let me be me. In the end this is what dad doesn't like. He knows that Lex is bringing something out in me that nobody else ever has; the real me. And it's not 'the me' he ever imagined I'd become.
Even after all this I still couldn't tell him what Lex really means to me. I did tell him one thing. I told him that one day I am going to tell Lex what I am. He was not happy, but I think he needed to hear it. I felt so brave, telling him that.
It's funny, even though I can bench-press a house, I am still afraid of my father.
~~~~~~~~~~
10:07p - totally not me
Mr. K hit Lex in the face. I wasn't really sure how to feel about this at first. I mean, I know I didn't like it. I kept most of what thought to my self. I told myself I'm just overprotective, but the real truth is I don't like it when he's hurt. You'll think well, duh, freak, nobody likes a loved one to get hurt. I know it seems common sense but Lex is not just anybody, and what I feel for him isn't just over protectiveness.
When I did the deliveries today I had to change my route around since we have a few new clients. So Lex wasn't in his office to say hello, like he usually is. I did run into Mr. K. This was a weird encounter for me since a small part of me wanted to punch his lights out. I can admit that here. Most people who know me can say I'm a very quiet person. I would never hurt anybody on purpose. At least that was the case a few years ago. Now it seems like they are fighting for the privilege of my fist in their face.
It's not as bad as it sounds. Like I said I hate it when my friends get hurt, so I always step in whenever I can.
I didn't hit him. I did however tell him that Lex is my priority number one and that he is who I would stand behind no matter what action Lex took. I'm not saying I will blindly stand by. I think I threatened Mr. K. I have never done something like that before. It didn't hit me, that I had done it, until I was at the next stop on my delivery route.
I told him to never punch Lex again, and implied that something bad would happen to him if he did. The truth is I don't really think I'd do anything. Or maybe I would.
I feel weird about this. I mean I know I would do the same thing for my mom or dad. I just never thought there would ever be another person I would feel so strongly for.
~~~~~~~~~
12:36a - I dress up
To go see Lex and I find him in jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt. I can't seem to catch a break. I had a boring night last night. Lex didn't call back until the next day. He was busy with fiscal year end (what ever that means).
When I went by the mansion to see him, it was like I'd just walked into the twilight zone. I found Lex and Mr. K in the office with empty Slurpee cups. I walked in and thought I was in the wrong house. I have never seen Lex so relaxed when he was dressed. He looked so happy, and just relaxed.
I'm happy they're getting along better now, but do they have to get along so well? I mean, I trust Lex completely. It's just; he'd never ask me to do that kind of stuff. They played hooky today. Lex said that he and Mr. K. went for a drive, in my car. Not that it's actually my car; it's just the car that Lex and I go for drives in. and he took him for a drive in it. And drank Slurpees in it.
I don't understand. Just a few days ago Mr. K punched Lex out and now they're sharing a car ride, and drinking Slurpees. Plus Lex was in jeans. He never wears jeans for me. I never asked him to but still. . .
And then he said something about a car hood. What was he doing with him and a car hood? I didn't want to know. All I know is they looked really happy when I walked in on them and Mr. K was laughing. Plus Slurpees.
I wanted to take Lex for Slurpees. I would have taken him for Slurpees if I'd known it was something he wanted to do.
Mr. K. left us alone and after Lex agreed that some time soon we could go for Slurpees, we played a game of pool. He won the two games we played, but I don't really care. It was nice to be near him, although it sucked to have those Slurpee cups taunting me.
Then we made out for a while. I could taste the cherry coke Slurpee on his lips. It was so nice to just kiss and be together.
I wish Lex would wear jeans more often. He looked soooooooooo hot in them.
~~~~~
11:15a - ###
Yesterday was so exciting. (Said with sarcasm because that doesn't translate well to the page)
I didn't really get to see Lex much. When I saw his car outside the Talon I went in to say hi, but he was busy with Mr. K and Chloe. Unfortunately I couldn't join them since I had a bunch of things to do.
While I was there I ran into Pete so I asked him to give me a ride home. We stopped at his place for a few hours to shoot some hoops. We've both been so busy with our English paper that I haven't really had much of a chance to hang out with him. We talked about the upcoming formal. He already has a list of girls he wants to ask. He urged me to forget about Lana, and I told him that I do realize she is seeing Whitney. Then he brought up the idea of asking Chloe to go. I didn't say anything to that. I haven't really thought about it much since I found out, and since she hasn't brought it up I guess she decided to leave it alone.
Of course there is no way I could ever go with who I want to go with. Most likely I won't go at all. I'm not that crazy about those things any way.
~
2:30p - Feel like a jerk
When I saw AJL's car parked in front of the Talon I was so excited. But when I went in and saw that he was there with Feegan that excitement died.
I know I shouldn't begrudge him a friend. I don't, but there is this small part of me that is so afraid he'll see just how boring I am and move on to somebody like Feegan. How am I supposed to compete? Feegan is his age and way more worldly. He's better looking and has way more in common with Lex. I know I shouldn't feel insecure, but it's hard not to. I have to stop being this way. Lex deserves better. I totally blew him off yesterday, and that was not fair to him.
I was just so surprised to see them there together. Even Chloe and Lana were there with them.
When I walked in, they were all laughing and having such a good time. And Lex looked so at ease. He never looks that way with me.
I know it's just dumb jealousy, but I can't help it. I'll just have to keep it in control for AJL's sake. I need to be way more mature about this.
~~~~~
10:38p - Just to get my feelings out and maybe figure out what the heck is going on in my brain.
He's right. Lex is right. I am so jealous of Feegan, and it's stupid and irrational since I know Lex would never sleep with him. I just think back to the way I felt when he told me what he did with Victoria and I freeze inside. I thought I'd put that behind me, behind us. I mean, I know he won't do anything with Feegan. (The guy is sleeping with his father so there is no way Lex would go there)
Then I do all the wrong things and say all the wrong words. I forced him to tell me I was everything and I did it at a moment when he was most vulnerable. He doesn't seem to mind but I hate that I did it. I hate it! I want it to go away and never have happened.
I thought if I asked him to do it to me that maybe things would be better. Like if I could give it to him he'd feel better or I'd feel better. It was a stupid thing to think. I know I want him to fuck me one day. I dream about it. I fantasize about him taking control of me and making me feel human.
He said that if I knew how much he wanted me it would scare me. He's not in a rush to get there. I think it was the wrong time to bring it up. I know it was. I was grasping at anything. I thought I had already explained to him what all of this, what him liking me, means.
I've never been the kind of guy that anybody has ever wanted to be with. Lex is the first person to ever show this much interest in me. Normally I am teased and taunted and picked last and strung up in a field and all those things. I try to fly under the radar. It doesn't always help. I know Lex doesn't see me that way.
It's hard to show him what all those years of being a freak have done. And now that I know just how much of a freak I am, where do I go from here?
We tried to play a game of pool except I broke the pool cue in half. I didn't even realize I'd done it until I heard the crack. We'd just started playing and I was thinking about Lex and Feegan. I don't usually lose control like that, but then my mind had totally wandered. It's like my stupid body wanted to remind me of what I am. (Like I could ever forget.)
~
11:58p - honesty
Honest. That is all he wants me to be.
Okay let me try this.
Dear Lex,
I'm an alien that fell to earth with the meteor rocks. I caused you to go bald. You hit me with your car on the bridge. If it wasn't for me this town would be a better place and a lot of people would be better off.
Yours truly,
Clark the alien Kent.
~~~~
12:09a - Lex
is going away for a few days on business.
We've been dealing with a rough period. We have things we need to work through. I have issues. I know we can work it out. I am determined to get past things in my own head that I know are blocking me. I care too much about us and what we have.
I want to be honest from now on about what I'm feeling.
~~~~
9:51a - @_@
I have so much work to do today. Dad asked me to stay close to home. Yesterday at lunch mom was quiet like she was thinking hard about something. I'm not sure what but my parents have been distant. I hope they didn't have a fight. I didn't hear anything, but I went out to the far field last night to be alone.
Mom and I went into town yesterday to do some shopping. She seemed fine then, but later on in the evening she seemed, I don't know, lost or something. I feel this sense of gloom today. I fell asleep late last night and woke up early. I had the nightmare again. It seemed so real.
It's funny, usually when I go into town I stop in and talk to a few people but I really wasn't in the mood. I didn't even go into the Talon to see if Lana was working. When mom and I went to the department store owned by Whitney's family I stayed away from Whitney. He saw me but we just seemed to mutually agree to ignore each other. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody. Maybe all this is just the change of season.
Dad and I are going to get the tractor fixed. We need another part for it, so I'm off to the next county over with my dad. A friend of his says he has an extra part that he can give to us for nothing. Dad will offer him something in exchange. He always does. Maybe I could do some work for him around his farm. He's older and can't really do as much work as he used to.
I think maybe I'm going to try to talk to mom tonight. I could use a different perspective. I'm not sure how much to say or leave out. I can't exactly tell her what I did to Lex. I doubt mom would be all that thrilled with me.
~~~~~~
7:52a - Why do I bother?
I talked to mom last night after dinner. I don't even know why I bothered. She just told me that I have to lie. I told her how much it hurt. I stressed how much it hurt, and all she could say was she was sorry that I have to lie to my friends. I'll just have to pretend for the rest of my life that I am human like the rest of them.
I suppose this is some kind of cosmic Karma for all those deaths the meteors cause. Maybe the hurt I feel every time I lie to Lex is a fair exchange for all the ways my being here has hurt other people. But it's so hard, and I feel like it's tearing me apart whenever we're close.
I think maybe I will have to just cool things down completely with Lex. I just hope he understands. I have a feeling when he knows the truth he will hate me. I wouldn't blame him. I hate myself right now.
He's supposed to come back some time tomorrow. I won't be able to put him off forever.
~
10:41p - &*(
I went by the mansion today to drop off the Monday delivery. I knew Lex wasn't going to be there. He's still away on business. I got a chance to talk to Mr. K. He was really cool about how I've been acting lately. He told me that I should go straight to him from now on if I have a problem. I told him I would, but the truth is I don't really have a problem with him. Yes I was jealous, but that's over. I know who Lex wants to be with. I know it's me.
School was triple loads of boredom today. After I finished the deliveries I had a ton of chores to do.
My dad is currently fixing a part from his motorcycle on the kitchen table. I know I shouldn't smile when I hear my mom yell at him for it, but it just makes me so happy to hear things back to normal around here.
I have a huge pile of homework waiting for me. I guess I should get to that.
~~~~~~~~~
10:01p - I guess I'm doing it
Everybody around me seems to think I would make a great class president so I'm going to run. Even mom and dad, who usually want me out of the spotlight, said I should. Since that's settled I guess I have a lot of work ahead of me. My best friend Pete is very sure that I will win. Lana thinks I would do a great job. She said all these really cool things about me that I never even realized she saw. It was so nice to hear them.
I have a slogan now thanks to Lex. He came up with it. What do you think?
'Man of tomorrow'
It sounds catchy doesn't it? I called Pete up right away to let him know what my new slogan is, and he said he was on it. When I asked what he meant, he told me to just sit back and let him take care of everything.
I was so happy to see Lex today. I went by to ask if he knew about the Talon losing business.
When I dropped by the Talon to see Lana she was really upset about it. I want her to succeed and I know she can. I just hope things don't fall apart. Lex told me she has to make it on her own. At first I thought he was being a little harsh but then I realized he's right. If he does things for her then he would have been the one that succeeds, but if he leaves it to her she can feel the pride of the results.
I know our time apart really helped and now I'm not as anxious about things as I was before.
~~~~~
8:06p - I can't believe my friend isn't behind me!
Pete and Lana both have confidence in me, but Chloe doesn't seem to. She's right about needing a platform and deciding what I stand for, but I still can't believe she endorsed one of the other candidates.
At least Pete is behind me 100 %. You wouldn't believe the amount of work he's put into my campaign. He's so gun-ho, making flyers, t-shirts, and buttons. I'm so excited now.
I have met more people today than I think I've met the whole time I've been in high school. I got invitations to parties and everything. I even have some guarantied votes. Lana is voting for me. She has complete faith in me, unlike Chloe.
Even if I don't win at least I'm having fun.
Pete and I went by the Talon. Things were still pretty bad. The only customers were Whitney and his football palls and that girl Lana has told me about. While I was there I ran into Lex. He stopped by to see how things were going and basically told Lana that she has to make it on her own. He let her know that it's up to her whether she sinks or swims. I totally understand where he's coming from, but she didn't seem too happy about his stance. I just wish she'd try to understand that he isn't waiting for her to fail. I know Lex is just trying to give her the confidence she needs to make it work on her terms. It's just like he said to me when I asked him if he could give me any tips for how to campaign. He told me I could win on my own merits.
Lex and I had our coffees to go and headed over to the mansion. He did help me out on what I could write about in my speech. Now when I go over to see Lana I'll know what to put in the speech.
~
9:42p - Lex is so hot
How am I supposed to keep my hands to myself when he jumps on me like that? As soon as Lex and I were alone, locked in his office, he pushed me to the sofa. He was on top of me and I just wanted to rip his clothes off. I refrained and only pulled his pants down so I could get to his cock. I couldn't help it. I didn't jerk off the whole time he was gone. I wanted to wait for him.
It was worth the wait. I lay back on the sofa and held him over me. I was so anxious to taste him that I didn't even care if he noticed how strong I am. I was as careful as I could be, holding the hottest hips in my hands. Lex has the most incredible body. I love to touch and caress and just lick him all over. The feel of his hot skin under my fingers made me so hard. Everything about him made me hard.
I loved giving him some control. When I had him above me I urged him to thrust into my mouth. I wanted him to thrust hard. It's not like he can hurt me, and I discovered I don't really have a gag reflex so when he shoves his cock down my throat all it does is make me want to swallow, which I did, gladly. He was shuddering and shaking above me.
After he came I settled him down on top of me. He literally collapsed in my arms. He was so beautiful, and it was all for me, because of me. It's embarrassing to admit that I drifted off. I don't really know how long I was out for, but when I woke up Lex was on his knees with my cock in his hand. The look in his eyes made me want to jump him. Instead I lay back and enjoyed the most incredible blow job ever. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was so hot and amazing; I wanted him to stay there forever, except I didn't last very long.
After he sucked me off we talked about my campaign and what I should say in my speech. He's so great at asking the right questions. Thanks to him I have a better idea of what I want to do for our school if I actually get elected. The feeling of him on top of me, stroking my arm made me hard again. I was so happy.
Being touched by Lex is the most wonderful experience. He touches me like I am breakable, and like I'm the most precious thing in the world to him. I love when he strokes my hair. It makes me feel so loved.
~~~~~
11:30p - Bees are not my friend
I just had to wait with Lana while her aunt came to get her. We were at the Talon writing my speech when bees attacked us. I managed to get us out of there, and neither one of us was stung. I guess it's true about that girl in my class and what she can do. I confronted her and she threatened to hurt people around me. She wants me to drop out of the election.
I am more determined now to stop her. I can't believe she would go this far to win a school election. She's usually such a quiet girl, but I guess the bees and the pressure got to her.
It's been a hard day. My friend Pete had me all over the place today. I met tons more people. I'm not really mad at my friend Chloe for not endorsing me in her newspaper article. She went with who she thought would do the best job. I just wanted her to believe in me and when I found out she didn't, it hurt. I've always believed in her. I know it isn't personal but... it sort of is.
I couldn't do the deliveries today. The Wednesday deliveries had to be changed to Thursday and it figures I miss the first new day. I was too busy schmoozing. I didn't get to see Lex. My dad did the deliveries. I hope Lex didn't ask him to play a game of pool.
I can't believe how much work Pete has put into this election. He's such a great friend.
I still have to write a speech. I know what I want to say now I just have to figure out how to say it.
I better get on that.
~~~~~
6:30p - Make up and more bees
Everything is finally over. I didn't get elected class president but I don't really care. At least the bee-girl didn't win either. I told Chloe just how much she means to me. I know I haven't been fair to her lately, and that is going to change. I vow to be way more attentive of our friendship. She's always been there for me in the past. I need to stop treating her so poorly. This time around when I got mad at her for not believing in me blindly, I know it wasn't personal on her part.
She and I went over to bee-girl's place to see what else she was up to, and it turns out bee girl sent her bees after my mom to get back at me. After I saved my mom, (who is fine) I went to check on bee-girl. I tried to tell her that eventually the bees would be too hard for her to control, but she was very stubborn. As I suspected the bees turned on her and attacked her, but I managed to stop them and save her. She's in the hospital now. She was stung badly. I'm just glad it's over.
I went to the victory party for the winner. It was held at the Talon which is busy again thanks to some tactics by Lana. The winner wasn't even there since he was still in the hospital. He was bee-girl's first victim. Lex was there and he looked so amazing. I could barely take my eyes off him. I want to go over to the mansion to see him. He looked so happy, and just hot. He was in these pants that made me want to jump him. I think I flirted with him right in the coffee shop.
After the party I had to get home to pack away the election things. I put them in storage and while I was doing it Lana stopped by. She was so nice and actually sat to listen to the speech I wrote. I have it in my pocket, and I'm headed to the mansion. I want to surprise Lex.
I don't know if I will be able to stop myself from just ripping off his clothes when I see him. I'm feeling very excited and happy tonight.
p.s.: this isn't really my mood but I thought it was so amusing.
~~~~~~
12:22a - ;-)
I just came back from the mansion. I don't know what came over me. When I arrived there was this woman leaving. She turned out to be a reporter. When I first saw her leaving I thought something else. I'm not sure what, but then when Lex didn't tell me who she was and why she was there, I asked point blank since he said to be honest. He answered.
I read my speech to him and he listened. I think he really liked it. We started something in his office but then moved it to the bedroom; the bedroom, the one where it happened. At first I was kind of freaked and didn't know what to do. I kept thinking about what he felt like, and how tight he is. Lex could tell and got a little annoyed at me. He gave me a chance to talk about it but I just couldn't. I didn't know what to say. I thought for sure he'd throw me out.
Instead I decided to fulfill one of my fantasies. I have been thinking about this for a while. I undressed Lex but kept his shirt on his arms so that he couldn't move them. Then I got on my knees. I sucked him off and held onto his wrists. He totally loved it. I made him come hard. It was amazing, having that control over him.
After he came and I swallowed, my favorite part, I kissed him and told him he's mine. Just so he won't forget. Then I asked him to suck me off. He took off his shirt and pushed me back against the bed and sucked me off on his knees. It's as hot as I thought it would be.
After that we climbed under the covers, both of us naked. I love the feel of his skin against mine. It's so sexy. He's so sexy. I love him. I want to fuck him again so badly.
~
6:39p - pictures of Lex and me
Chloe e-mailed these awesome pictures of Lex and me that she took at the Talon party the other night. I wanted to put them somewhere that nobody would find. She's so funny. Her e-mail was titled the 'look of love'. Ha, Ha.
I just love that she caught Lex smiling. He looks so relaxed in these pictures. I look like a total dork, as always, but Lex looks amazing. I think I'll print one and put it in my wallet. Not sure which one to pick yet. I'm leaning toward the one where he's smiling.
7:57p - No excitement today
I pretty much spent most of the day doing work. The busy season is about to start and dad needs me every chance I can spare. Lex went to some thing in the city for a few days so I've been keeping myself very busy.
I went into town with mom to run some errands. Then when I got home she cut my hair. It was getting way too long. I like it short, out of my eyes and off my ears.
I didn't really do much else. I think I'm going to head into town to have a coffee, or maybe see a movie or something. Mom said I should get out.
Maybe I'll go see what Lana is up to. If she's up for a movie. That would be nice. I haven't really had a chance to talk to her lately. I think she might need a friend since things with her and Chloe don't seem to be going all that well.
Ooh and tomorrow I get to take the hunk-of-junk tractor out to start the field prep. I have to go around with a trailer and pick up all the stones etc. that are in the field. Yeah, what fun.
~~~~~~~~~~
11:15p - Lex back and movie night
I'm tired now. I spent the day clearing stones from the fields. I even stumbled on a meteor rock, but dad was there to help. It's really not a very exciting chore. Although when I went by to see Lex I had nothing else to talk about so I kind of rambled on about it. I felt like a total dork so I shut up.
I really wanted to make a good impression so I showered, and dressed up nice. When I got to the mansion Lex and Mr. K were eating dinner. I felt real awkward interrupting them but they invited me to join them at the table. I wasn't hungry since I'd already eating dinner. Maybe I should have pretended since it was really uncomfortable. They seemed fine until I got there. I thought maybe I said or did something wrong, but I swear I didn't even give them a weird look. At least I don't think I did.
Mr. K. made a quick exit after some weird comments between him and Lex. I didn't ask. I thought it was my fault, but Lex assured me it wasn't my fault. After he left Lex and I went to play some pool. It was so nice and relaxing. We did a lot of kissing and hugging. I think he loved my hair cut because he couldn't take his hands off my hair. It felt great. I really like when he touches my hair.
Lex looked amazing tonight. He's so sexy. I wish I could carry myself the way he does. He always looks so poised. I e-mailed him these pictures Chloe took of us together so he could have a copy of them. He looks amazing in them. He's so relaxed and smiling. I loved them.
On Saturday night I ended up going to see a movie with Lana. I let her pick the movie. We saw Ella Enchanted. It was cute. I really had a nice time. We just relaxed and decided to take the night off from heavy talk. She seemed really happy, and a lot more at ease than I've seen her in a while.
~~~~~~~~
11:44p - just keeping my dim mouth shut
Even when I am being cool about Mr. K he acts like I hate him. He pulled me into his office today when I was doing deliveries to talk to me about Sunday. I had no idea he was so upset. I would never hit him and he actually thinks that I would! I was so surprised. Most people who know me would think that I am totally harmless and I am.
He even called me dim. I'm not dim.
I felt bad that I interrupted their dinner. I probably should have just waited in another room while they ate.
Next time I think I'll call ahead.
Lana and I decided to do the major history project together. It's probably going to take a lot of my time this week, but it's a third of the class grade so we really have to do a great job with it.
~~~~~~
11:28p - My dad thinks I'm too trusting
Today while I was doing chores a lady stopped to ask for directions. She was nice and seemed a little tired. She wanted directions to the Medical Center. She asked me for a glass of water so I let her in and gave her one. She was really nice. We talked for a bit.
My dad got home just as she was about to leave. His reaction totally puzzled me. I have always been taught to help others when they are in need. So directions and a glass of water isn't a huge need, but should it matter what the need is?
I told her that she should come back and try out the quiet of the country (she was from the city).
After she left dad lectured me. I was never in any danger. He said silly stuff like, what if she had been a reporter or something like that. When did my dad get so suspicious? This lady, Pam, was just a nice person who lost her way.
I told my dad that he needed to get a grip. I actually used those words.
I hope Pam is okay. She seemed kind of sad.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:13a - Next time I'll make sure that we're in a locked room
Last night Lex came by. We hadn't seen each other in a few days so he thought he'd stop in to say hello. I really love when he does that. It was late and mom and dad had turned in early. I'd just finished saying good night to Lana. She and I spent a few hours working on the project. It's a lot more time-consuming than we thought it would be.
I was so glad to see Lex. We fooled around for a bit. I feel so much braver now than I ever have in the past. I was the one who kissed him first. Kissing him makes me so excited. I feel silly saying this, but when I kiss him I feel lost in another world. Like nothing can ever hurt or touch us. I blurted out that he makes me feel real which when I look at it now makes no sense.
We started to talk about past experience with sex. I still find it hard to talk about it even though technically I've already done a lot of that kind of stuff. I feel like a geek, but Lex never makes fun of me for that. I can't even ask for what I want. I get so embarrassed when I try. I don't even know why.
While we were talking Lex did tease me a little, but in a good way. It was real torture. I even begged. Lucky for me he gave in and I got what I wanted. After that I felt a little guilty mostly because I wanted to return the favor. Unfortunately we were interrupted.
Lana had forgotten her history book. I was so embarrassed, but Lex just stood there like there was nothing out of the ordinary going on although he did blush at first. I wish I could do that. My pants were still unzipped. I thought I was going to die from the embarrassment. It must have been pretty obvious what Lex and I had been doing before she arrived. Thank goodness I was wearing boxers (I don't always wear them but last night I did have them on).
After she warned me that maybe my loft wasn't the best place to do what we'd been doing (She pointed out that my mom could have been the one that caught us. That just makes my head spin to think about. Although it would be way worse if it was my dad.), she took her book and left. Lana is just about the last person I ever wanted to have seen me making out with my boyfriend. Not to mention my pants undone. I don't think I'll be able to look her in the eyes for a while.
It's funny because earlier Lex and I had talked about which we prefer better, male or female. He said he liked guys more than girls and I had to agree. Then he made a crack about not having to be jealous of Lana anymore. I pointed out that I don't really have the right equipment since she is into girls.
We also talked about experience and how much he's used to getting when he's with somebody. I'm always afraid that what I give him isn't enough to satisfy. He did tell me that his libido knows no limit. That's kind of a scary thought.
He told me I'm beautiful and sexy. That was so embarrassing I changed the subject right away.
After Lana left I sucked him. My heart was pounding in my chest because what Lana said about my mom walking in on us came to mind right in the middle of it. I did this thing I read about on line with my finger. It really works just like the site says so I guess I did it right since he came pretty fast.
When we were finished getting his clothes back on, I told him that I love him. It felt so right in that moment.
We talked some more afterwards. It was so nice to just be in his arms. I feel safe there.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:29a - blow job in a truck a lot harder than it looks
If dad and mom knew that I just used the truck for sex I am sure they would be very unhappy.
I don't care. I just saw Lex sitting there and I had to bend down and blow him. His voice was so sexy. He has the sexiest voice ever. I get hard when I hear it for the first time in a day. Besides, I really didn't get to see him yesterday since we were both so busy.
I picked Lex up in my dad's truck, since mom and dad had the car. I don't think Lex was all that amused, but we needed to drive somewhere that a Ferrari can't get. I took him out to a secluded spot so we could have some privacy. It was so nice and quiet. I really love the quiet. Pam reminded me of that.
I had to give Lex my t-shirt because I came all over his shirt. I made a big mess. So he put my shirt on and he still looked sexy. I bet he'd look sexy in my flannel shirt, too. I just look goofy no matter what I wear.
I have a feeling something is going on with Lex. He was distant tonight after he jerked me off. It turns out it's the anniversary of his mother's death. He looked so sad and alone. My heart ached and I couldn't help but hug him. I think it helped a little. He still seemed sad when I dropped him off. I wish he'd talk to me, but he said he can't. I told him I'm here, but somehow I don't think he'll confide in me. I just have this feeling that it hurts too much. I know how he feels. When I think about my alien heritage the idea of voicing it to Lex makes me want to cry for a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:53p - It's been a normal weekend
I spent most of it with my mom. She needed a lot of things done. She also needed to take me shopping for new clothes. I ended up getting more than we thought since the store was having a sale. I think my mom planned it that way. She got me some new shoes, which I desperately needed since I wore out the old ones, and some new shirts: one red, two blue and a green one.
I also got three new t-shirts that were all red. That's my favorite color. Actually red and blue are my favorite colors. My mom always picks out my clothes. I just go to make sure the sizes are right. I did draw the line at brown corduroys. They were really gross. Besides, Lex would have hated them. They looked bad on me.
The new shoes are great. I love Hush Puppies. They always have my size. It's not easy to find size 14 shoes. I even got two new pairs of pants; a nice pair of dark blue jeans and a pair of grey khakis.
Mr. K. stopped by tonight. Everything is fine between us again. I was relieved about that.
The project is finally finished. I feel like I spent my whole life doing that thing. I think it turned out great though, so we should get a really good grade. I need to get a few things done before bed that I have been putting off.
~
11:55p
I think that woman I met a few days ago is from Lex's past. She might have been here to check me out.
All of Lex's posts are locked now except a few. I guess he doesn't want me to see. I don't want him to have to do that so maybe I should tell him that I'll stop reading it. I really hate invading his privacy.
This woman who I met seemed so nice. I don't really know the story, so tomorrow I plan on bringing it up in as delicate a way as possible with Lex. He seems so bitter I don't want him to close up on me. I have to be very careful or I might lose the opportunity to help. I want to help so badly. Sometimes I think there is no way I ever could since I have no idea what it's like to lose a parent. I guess I lost both of my biological parents, but I have no memory of them at all, so I don't think it's the same thing.
~~~~~~~~~~
4:20p
I feel so bad. I totally forgot to get Chloe and I tickets to this journalism thing that I promised Chloe I would attend with her. I was in charge of getting them and I completely forgot. I've been so busy lately that it slipped my mind. I will have to ask Lex if there is some way he can swing some passes for us.
I was so wrapped up in that class project and other things that I forgot a lot of other things.
~
11:40p - Gordian knots
I talked to Lex today when I dropped off the deliveries. He's really in bad shape. Somebody from his past is back and she wants something from him. I didn't really know what to say. I told him that he needs to do what is best for him.
I looked up Hephaestion; since Pam called me that on Lex's journal, and found out he was a close companion, possibly a lover of Alexander the Great. When I looked it up I also came across this real cool story about this impossible knot called the Gordian knot. I kind of see Lex that way; like something that's tied tight and impossible to undo.
I wanted to see if Lex would open up so I went over and told him that like Alexander with the Gordian knot I wanted to cut right to the heart of the matter instead of trying to untangle an impossible puzzle, and maybe get my fingers all bloody.
He opened up a little bit and told me about the woman who came to see me. I told him not to worry about me. She didn't hurt anybody by what she did. I understand why she wanted to meet me. I know I'm not angry with her at all. I'm mostly just worried about how this will affect Lex.
I was also afraid that maybe my reading his journal had stifled his voice. I told him I'd stop reading to give him that space. It's not fair to him to take something like that away from him, but he said others have been reading anyway. Others like Pamela and his father which means his father may have read some of my journal. I have had a few anonymous comments. I wonder if one of them was him.
I went back and locked all my old posts either as private or friends. I really don't need Mr. Luthor reading that. Although, if he friends me I would likely never know it was him. I think from now on when I friend somebody I'll carefully check the person out. This could all be just a big waste of time. I can't imagine that Mr. Luthor would be all that interested in what I have to say here.
I even joked that we could change our journal names; him to veryhappyguy and mine to lexpet. I was just trying to lighten the mood. He was surprised that I would say that. I guess maybe people don't think I have a sense of humor, but I do.
I kind of like lexpet. It's cute. It has a ring to it. Not that I see myself that way. I have a few fantasies about it. Like this one where he tells me what to do, and I just do it.
I did get to go see Lex again later last night for a few hours. We mostly just played some pool and talked. He managed to get Chloe and me tickets to the Saturday journalism conference with just one phone call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:32p
- What should I do, what should I say
I have a problem; my friend Pete told me that Chloe has always liked me. I mean, I know that she's been with Lana for a while now, and I know that a few months ago my friend Ryan mentioned that she wanted to go to formal with me, but I never really thought that Chloe was still thinking this way. On top of that Justin is back. And when I saw them together I actually got jealous. I have no idea why, but I kept thinking that she's my friend and that he has no right to go near her. It's so stupid. I just wanted Justin to be gone so that I could be with Chloe.
All of a sudden I am actually thinking about what it would be like if I was with Chloe. I mean I have always liked her and she's such a great person. I would never cheat on Lex or break up with him, but I just can't help wondering. Plus I can't really take Lex to the formal. I'm thinking of asking Chloe to go with me.
The more I think about it the more I like the idea. I really want to make her happy, and I've been such a bad friend lately. The look on her face the other day when she said I ignore her for Lana and Lex was really painful to see.
I'm going to have to think about this more. I will also have to tell Lex, of course. I am sure once I tell him why I want to do it he'll totally understand.
Besides, I think Chloe and I would look really nice together all dressed up. She's really been going out of her way to make herself look nice lately. I have to admit, I have noticed.
~~~~~~~~~~
1:35p
Yesterday was the anniversary of the day Lex's mom died. He told me this last night. I was naked in his bed at the time. I went over in the hopes that he would confide in me. That was as much as he confided.
Then he sucked me off and I offered myself to him. He turned me down, which is fine. I should have held back. I just wanted to make him feel better. I wanted to help him forget just for a little while. I told him I'm ready. I want him to do it. I want to feel him inside me. The thought doesn't terrify me at all.
He said we can talk more about it after I turn 16. That happens on May 16th. I actually said that if he did it that was one gift my mom and dad couldn't make me give back.
I sucked him off after and when I looked up I was shocked to see that he was crying. I thought I'd hurt him somehow.
It turns out he was hurt long before I met him.
~
6:15p - Chloe
Justin is hiding something. I just know it! I caught him with Chloe today. They were kissing, and I wanted to explode. I wanted to tear him off of her.
I just want her to be careful. I don't want her to get hurt. Why can't she understand that?
When you suddenly know somebody has liked you for a long time, it changes everything you ever thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~
10:55a - Oh man
Last night Lex stopped by. He caught me reading that book Men are from Mars. I was trying to get an insight into the female psyche. It was so embarrassing. We talked a little about Chloe and Justin and the whole situation. I didn't think it was the best time to bring up that I'm considering taking Chloe to the formal. I figured I could save that for a better time.
Just as we kissed my mom came up to tell me that the principal of the school had been killed in an accident. I'm not sure how much she saw. She hasn't said anything to me yet. She did give me this look last night after Lex left, but didn't talk to me about it. This morning I was too rushed to talk to her.
My mom saw me kiss Lex! I am trying hard not to freak over this.
~
11:18p - Biting my nails.
Justin killed our principal. I really wish I'd been wrong.
Chloe almost died today, but I got to her in time. It really sucks. D turned himself into the police. He was driving the car that hit Justin. I feel so bad for everybody.
I was so glad Chloe was still alive for me to hold her in my arms.
Fake letters
To Mr. Big
Don't you have a company to take over? I mean why would you read some hick-farmers LJ when you could be taking over companies and making tons of money?
Clark Kent
PS: be nicer to your son.
~~~~~
To My real mom and dad
Why did you let me go? What was wrong with me that you had to throw me into space so far away?
Clark
~~~~~
To mom and dad
Why can't I tell Lex about me? What are you so afraid of? He loves me and he would never hurt me, but if I keep lying to him, I might lose him forever.
Love
Your son
Clark Kent
I am so nervous right now. My mom still hasn't said a word about what she saw. I'm beginning to think that maybe she didn't see anything at all. Maybe I just imagined it. Maybe she'll just leave it alone. But that isn't like my mom. I know she saw something.
I have bitten my nails down to the skin, worrying about what she might do or say. What if she orders me to stop seeing him?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4:06a - Dreams fears and hyperventilating
I know she already knows about us, but there's knowing, and then there's knowing! It's one thing to be told something, but a whole other thing to see it with your own eyes.
I'm hiding in the barn right now. Mom and dad have already gone to bed, but I can't go to bed. I'm too nervous. I'm too freaked out.
I woke up from another one of my nightmares. In the dream Lex called me a liar and told me he was tired of people treating him so badly. Then he told me that he would destroy me.
I almost went to mom to confront her, but I couldn't do it. I hyperventilated before I could knock on mom and dad's bedroom door.
Fake letter
To Lex
I don't mean to lie. I don't want to lie. Please don't hate me when you find out
I'm a freak alien from another planet.
Love
Clark
~
10:16a - Mom
I talked to mom this morning. I fell asleep on the sofa out in my fortress, and she came to get me for breakfast.
She didn't freak out. She just said to be more careful when we're on the farm. Translation: no doing stuff here when mom and dad are around. I didn't ask how she felt about seeing us. I was too afraid. I mostly just sat and listened while she talked. I think I blushed the whole time.
It was really careless of us, but sometimes when I'm with Lex I don't think that way. It isn't weird to me that I love him. I just wish it wasn't weird to the rest of the world.
Fake letter
To the world
Get over it. Being gay shouldn't be something that is considered evil or illegal. It used to be way normal back in the olden days. If Alexander the Great could be openly gay why is it not cool now?
CK
If I was dating a girl none of this would be something I would have to think about at all. It's totally unfair. I guess the world isn't really a fair place.
~
7:47p - lost
Chloe and I are going to this media thing in the city tomorrow. I got some money from mom so I could take Chloe out for dinner after. Our friend's father just died tonight, and I want to cheer her up.
I really don't have much else to say. It feels weird. It's like when you see that you realize it could be you. It could be your dad.
I need to run
8:34a - Journalism thing
I got home so late last night
and I was so tired from all the excitement that I just crashed.
Yesterday was the journalism conference. I dressed up in my only suit. I knew
Chloe
wanted to impress the people she was going to meet so I thought if I dressed
like a hick they wouldn't take her seriously. I figured a suit would be better.
She picked me up early in the morning, and we drove to the city. It was a quiet
drive for the most part. I tried to keep a conversation going, but neither of us
was into it so I just enjoyed the scenery. I don't really go to the city often.
Once we arrived she was all excited. It was wonderful to watch her light up with
joy. The conference was really cool. So many people were there. I'm not used to
being around so many other people. I just mainly followed Chloe around. I talked to
a few people. I think I even flirted a little. I didn't think there was any harm
in just flirting. At one point I lost Chloe and as I searched for her this lady at
a booth asked me if I was interested in applying for a summer job. I wasn't
there for that reason since I will be spending my summer on the farm.
I didn't tell her that though. I told her I really had no spare time this summer
since I already had a job. Then she asked if I would go out to dinner with her.
That was when Chloe showed up. Of course I told the lady that I already had dinner
plans. Chloe glared at the lady and grabbed my hand. It was cute.
That was really the only thing that happened while I was there. Chloe did all the
schmoozing. We ate a light lunch at the food court they had set up. Then Chloe hit
the most important booth there. She snagged the interview she has been dying
for. I couldn't help but smile as I watched her talk up the man at the booth. He
was really impressed with her. I was so happy for her and I gave her a big hug.
After this booth she couldn't stop smiling. It was so wonderful to see. Then
when it was finally over I sprang my surprise that I was taking her to dinner.
We found a reasonably priced restaurant and got a nice quiet table.
Dinner was so nice. We talked about everything but the things that had happened
lately. I didn't want the day to be dampened by where we would have to go
tomorrow. Before I knew it I was blabbing almost every detail about how I met
Lex and how he rescued me. I told her all about how I realized later that the
event in that field had been the start of my crush on him. It was so wonderful
to be able to freely tell somebody all about the most important person in my
life.
I also reassured her that things between us were going to be better from here on
out. I won't neglect her ever again.
The whole day was such a huge success. I drove us home, and dropped her off at
her place. She was so tired and happy. I'm picking her up in a few hours to take
her to the funeral. Plus I have to give her car back to her. It's pouring rain
out, which seems very appropriate. I'm not looking forward to this at all. I
hate funerals.
~
9:00a
- Life and death
What if I'm not even mortal? What if I outlive everybody like in Cassandra's
vision? What if I have to watch everybody I love die? My mom and dad and Lana
and Chloe and Pete. The worse would be to have to see Lex die.
Now that nice lady I met, Pam, she's dying. It's not fair!
I really think I want to go to the spring formal with Chloe. I just don't know
how to tell Lex. When I took Chloe to dinner it felt so nice to be with her. She
glowed and I really enjoyed making her happy. I want to make her happy.
~~
4:54p
- funeral and arms
The funeral was like any funeral; bleak. It rained all day yesterday. I couldn't
stay there anymore so I just left and walked to the mansion in the pouring rain.
By the time I arrived I was soaked through to my underwear. Feegan was in the
kitchen.
We talked briefly.
Then I went up to see Lex. He was so tired and looked so sad. He took me up to
his room so I could change, but I just undressed. I only wanted him to hold me
and when I was there in his arms I wanted him. I wanted him so badly, but he
said it was the wrong time. I'm glad because I knew it was bad timing all
around.
My whole life is about bad timing.
I wanted to tell him so many things and my mind was in turmoil. I told him that
I love him. I wanted to wait for other stuff. I really wish I could have told
him about me. I wanted to explain to him why I was so upset about the funeral.
I'm not that close to Whitney, but it all hit me way harder than I thought. I
felt helpless and alone.
I'm not human and we have no idea if I will age the way people do. I couldn't
explain to Lex that this all just brought my fears to the surface. I feel so
alone right now.
I wished we'd done something more than hold and kiss. I'm so afraid we're going
to run out of time. We have no idea what will happen in the future. What if when
I tell him about me he hates me forever? What if something happens to him? So
many what ifs I can't keep track of them all. I know I can't live that way. I
have to just move on and hope the pain subsides.
I wanted to tell him about me right then and there. Have nothing hanging between
us anymore. I want us to be able to build a solid relationship. I feel so lost.
I don't know what to do or if any of the things I do are right or wrong or if
they'll hurt him more. I don't want to hurt him. I don't ever want to hurt him
and I know that isn't possible because I've already hurt him a lot.
I'll hurt him even more when he finds out I've been lying all this time.
~
7:52p
- My life
When I did the deliveries today Lex wasn't around, but his guest Pamela was. It
was weird talking to her. I wasn't sure at first what to say. I felt like I was
talking to my mom. She was very nice and we sat and had a drink. I wasn't really
sure what she was going to say. At first I thought maybe she'd tell me I was too
young for Lex and that she didn't approve of what we were doing, what Lex was
doing but ... it wasn't anything like that at all. She only cares about Lex and
wants to make sure he has people there for him while he deals with things.
I wasn't going to ask how long she had. I was too scared to. I almost started to
cry anyway it was so hard; knowing that they'd spent all these years apart and
now that they've found each other there isn't much time left.
I told her I would bring the telescope around so she could use it to look at the
stars. Then she asked me to come by every day to be there for Lex, which is easy
enough to do. I could tell she's afraid I won't be able to handle it. I don't
really know if I can. I told her I would try. She asked me how old I am. That
was embarrassing.
She called Feegan into the house to talk to both of us about Lex and what he
needs from us.
I wasn't sure how much Lex told her about us. At first I thought he hadn't told
her much but then she told me not to comfort him physically. I was so
embarrassed. My whole sex life was out in the open and this almost stranger
telling me not to have sex with him. She told me that she knows he's beautiful,
but that I have to restrain myself.
I wanted to run away. Did Lex tell her about how I am with him? Why would she
say that if she didn't know how I can't keep my hands off him? Yesterday I tried
to initiate sex. I wanted comfort and I wanted to comfort him. He stopped me. I
just wish I'd known then; I wouldn't have done it. I'm afraid and confused that
I'll do or say the wrong things. What if something I say hurts him more?
I asked Pam if she could tell me stories about when Lex was young. I wish I
could ask her about his life after the meteor shower, but then I wouldn't be
able to explain why I was asking about that. I'll have to just ask her to tell
me everything about him. I'm sure one of those memories will be about after he
was hurt by the shower.
Maybe I am too young to handle it all, but then I have to do it some day.
Everybody I know is eventually going to be dead.
~
7:54p - The stars shine tonight.
I'm going over to see Lex. My
mom has some extra pies to send over. I told her about Lex's guest. She
immediately wanted to know if there was anything she could do. She's such a
great mom. I love her so much.
I'm bringing my telescope, too. Dad let me use the truck for the night so I
could bring it over. He didn't even give me any grief over it.
~~~
11:09 am - Too busy
I went by last night to see Lex. My mom said I could stay for a few
hours. She also told me that I won't be able to go over all the time. I have to
do my chores and homework first. I have a lot of chores this week. Things are
going to need to be prepared for planting, and that takes a lot of time.
Last night we just played some pool and had light conversation. It was nice. I
left my telescope there. Pam was asleep. Lex promised to have it set up for her.
I'm going to try to go by tonight to see if she needs help with it. I'm not sure
if I can since dad needs me right after school, and then I have homework. So far
I have three assignments.
I have to rush off. Study group starts in a minute.
~
11:11 am - sadness
I'm really worried about Lex. He was so distant last night. I
wanted to comfort him more, but I wasn't sure how. I stayed away from the topic
of Pam since I was too afraid I would say something that would hurt him.
I really don't feel up to the task. I'm no good at any of this stuff.
~~
09:55 am - Last night was the best night ever.
I finished
up all my chores and homework before going over to the mansion. When I got there
is was already after eleven, but I really needed to see that Lex was okay.
He was asleep on a sofa in the room beside his bedroom. I couldn't help but wake
him. He looked so beautiful; almost angelic. His face was so relaxed and his
hands looked delicate I couldn't help it. I had to touch him. So I did. I woke
him with a kiss.
He immediately pulled me onto him. I was already so excited and when our bodies
touched I almost exploded, but I managed to keep control. I couldn't stop from
touching him, though. His pajama top was open and his skin was so warm.
We moved to his bed since the sofa we were on was too small for both of us. I
wanted to be close to him. I wanted to touch all of him. I took off almost all
my clothes but left my jeans on. I didn't want to assume too much, and if there
was ever a time to restrain myself with Lex, this was it.
I can't hide anything from Lex, it seems. He noticed that I was off and asked
what was wrong. I lie enough to him as it is so I just told him about what
Pamela said. About how she thinks I should keep my hands to myself and that
right now Lex probably doesn't need physical comfort. He was not happy that she
had said that to me.
She was way off. It happened and I'm really glad. I will not let anybody make me
feel bad for that. I love Lex and making love to him last night felt so right.
He wanted it as badly as I did. It was nothing like the first time. This time it
was gentle and I'm sure that I didn't hurt him at all. Well, I think I bruised
his hips, but it felt so good to grab and hold him.
We were facing each other this time, too. The feeling of looking into his eyes
when I was inside him was the most incredible feeling in the world. He's so
beautiful. Once he was in my arms I couldn't help it. He's so soft but strong at
the same time.
I can't even put it into words how wonderful last night was. I'm trying.
The way he looked under me all open and relaxed and happy is burned in my mind.
I want that to happen every day.
I'm so happy right now.
Pete asked me if I got laid. I just grinned. If only he knew. Of course if he
knew he'd probably have a heart attack.
~
10:57 am - best night ever
I didn't
think it would happen, but last night it did. I couldn't hold back. He looked so
beautiful and it was so right. We made love. I have never felt this happy
before. The only thing that would have made it perfect is if I could have woken
up in the morning beside him.
I feel silly saying this, but I want him all to myself. I know it can't happen
that way. I can only dream about it. I can only hope that we last that long.
Deep down I just know we will.
~~
06:35 pm - Life isn't easy and things don't always go your way
I went by
last night to stargaze with Pam. She was asleep already so Lex and I took my
telescope out to set up.
He was distracted all night. Something bad happened with Pam, but he didn't want
to discuss it. I wish I could do more for all of them.
Lex and I went up to see her even though she was asleep. She looked so frail. We
stayed for a little while and then I had to get home.
I don't know what to say about this. Lex's been struggling with a lot of things,
and Pam is one of them. Apparently, he handed Feegan a gun and told him to use
it on Lex's dad if he ever needs protection from him!
I can't figure out who I'm most sad for. I'm sure Lex thought bringing her to
the mansion was a good idea. I think what he did, letting Pam move in to spend
her last days with him, was wonderful. He's such an amazing man. I love him so
much for this. His compassion and understanding gives me hope that when I do
tell him about me he'll forgive me.
Feegan was so upset when I saw him today during deliveries. We went into his
office and talked about what happened. He promised not to tell Mr. Luthor about
it. I was so relieved. I don't think Lex needs his dad telling him he made a
mistake. Right now what Lex needs is his friends behind him.
Both Lex and Feegan told me to take what Pam says with a grain of salt from now
on. Lex doesn't think she's dangerous to him, but he does think that she might
say more inappropriate things to me. I'm not going to let that keep me away. She
needs understanding right now, and people who care about her.
Feegan also told me he erased all evidence that I was at the mansion the other
night. He practically told me I should give Lex whatever he wants. I admitted to
him that I ignored Pam's plea to not comfort Lex physically. I think he figured
that out already.
~~
02:26 pm - hands that heal
Lana called
me last night to let me know that she'd run into Pam when she dropped by the
mansion. I can't believe she told Pam about the hand in a box thing. I promised
her I would talk to Pam, but I haven't gotten a chance to do it yet. It's making
me anxious.
I did go by the mansion last night, but Pam was a sleep again. I spent all my
time with Lex in the solarium stargazing. It was so nice to have a quiet moment
to ourselves. He's so hard to resist. I have to touch him when I see him. I
wonder if this is something alien. I've wondered before, but most likely it's
because he's sex on legs. He's so hot!
I remember the looks he used to give me and still does whenever I first walk
into a room he's in. It always makes me hard. Even back when I didn't know why
he was giving me those looks.
I'm going to go over to the mansion today right after class and spend all night
there. First I have to talk mom into letting me hold off my chores until
tomorrow. Since it is Friday that shouldn't be too hard.
~~
01:23 pm - Sleep is not what we need now.
I just got
back from the mansion. Yesterday I went straight there so I would have a chance
to see Pam. I was glad to see her up and looking much better. We went for a walk
in the gardens. It was really nice. At one point she got cold so I gave her my
jacket. But then she got dizzy and almost fainted. I had to run fast to catch
her. She saw.
I told dad what happened as soon as I got home. At first he was angry that I let
somebody see me use my speed, but when I explained that it happened so suddenly
he cooled down. I just couldn't let her fall to the ground. I told dad it was
fine, but I know him, he's going to worry no matter what I say. Of course the
first thing he was worried about was that she would tell Lex. I sort of
stretched the truth and told him she was very delirious. She is delirious and
when she did say something I just told her I needed to move fast so she wouldn't
fall.
She's in such bad shape. I felt so helpless. I got her back to her bed as fast
as I could and then Feegan came in. After the nurse took care of her I stayed by
her side until Lex got back from business in the city. Lex and I stayed with her
for a while then we had dinner. It was very quiet and neither of us said very
much.
I called home to tell mom and dad that I would be staying overnight, but they
weren't there so I left and message and told Lex that they said I could stay. I
really wanted to be there just in case.
She just looked so pale. I thought for sure she'd die right then in my arms.
It's not like I've never seen death. It just sucks. It's not fair.
Before, when Pam and I were talking, I asked her not to mention the hand thing
to Lex. I reassured her it was in the past and that Lex was in no danger. I
didn't tell her any of the details. She apologized for embarrassing me the other
day. I tried to let her know that it was cool and that while Lex wasn't going to
bury himself in physical comfort, he needed everything I had to offer
right now. She point blank let me know that she knew what we'd done the other
night.
It was creepy; like talking to my own mom. Pam is a redhead like mom. I kept
thinking that one day mom and I would talk like this. I quickly pushed that
thought out of my head. She also reassured me that she has no problems with the
relationship Lex and I have.
Pam just wants to know that I am serious about Lex and me. I really am serious.
I don't know how to explain to people who just see a teenager. He's the first
thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about at night.
Lex set up a guest room for me, but I didn't use it. I messed up the covers to
make it look as though I used it and then I went to his room. Since I had no
pajamas with me I slept in my briefs. I'd thought about us doing something, but
the vibe I got from Lex told me not to go there. It didn't stop my body from
getting excited once we were in bed together. I was hard almost the whole time.
We just mostly kissed and touched a lot. It drove me nuts. After he drifted off
to sleep I had to go to the bathroom to take care of myself. I felt so ashamed.
I know I shouldn't be and that it's just my body reacting but still, it's so
embarrassing. Lex didn't seem to mind at all. He was so tired and just plain
exhausted.
We woke up together. I've wanted that for a while now. It was weird. I've never
slept in the same bed with another person before. I'm just glad I didn't float.
That would have been a little hard to explain.
I have a ton of chores to do. Dad is hijacking me and we have to go to the next
county for supplies so I have no idea when I can go back to the mansion today.
But I will even if I have to tell dad off and run there.
~
8:00a - Day of rest
I got up very early this
morning. I couldn't sleep. Dad and I are taking mom to the Talon for a Mother's
Day Brunch. She's getting dressed up. I'm already in my Sunday best. I think
after we're doing something else, but dad hasn't told either one of us yet what
it is. I just hope it's not just a drive in the country.
I still haven't finished all my homework. I fell behind a little so I have to
get cracking on that. Dad lectured me about how I need to focus on what's
important. I know what's important.
~~
1:38a
- I just had the worse nightmare ever.
In it Lex and I were out in a field. We're on a blanket and the stars are
shining bright. He's kissing me but then suddenly he's wearing Lana's meteor
necklace. I fall over from the pain and he grins down at me. He tells me that I
shouldn't have lied to him.
Then suddenly we're naked on a beach and he's still wearing the necklace only
he's on top of me, inside me. Ever time he pushes into me he tells me he's going
to destroy me.
Then I'm in the cornfield again on the cross and Lex points the flashlight at me
and tells me I can die out here. He walks away laughing and I woke up screaming
his name.
I'm so glad I fell asleep in the loft. I don't know how I would explain that to
my mom and dad.
Why do I keep having these nightmares? Every time I have one I'm so terrified
after that I almost feel like burying my head in shame.
It's a guilt dream it has to be. I have to see if I can find something on line
that can analyze dreams.
~~
10:47a - Last night I went by the mansion to stargaze.
I did my usual deliveries then went home to do homework and chores. This time I
did those as fast as alienly possible. (Maybe that's not a word but it's not
like I can say humanly.)
I showered and dressed up decent then went by to see if Pam was up to some
stargazing. She was. I was so ecstatic. I showed her a few things, and we talked
about Lex. I even drummed up the courage to ask how he was after the meteor
shower. Lex told me that he felt what happened to him changed him for the
better, but how can he know that. How does he know that he wouldn't have been
better off if the shower had never happened?
I know Lana would be.
I tried to reassure Pam that I won't hurt Lex. She pretty much said what I was
thinking. I won't mean to hurt him intentionally, but it will happen.
I don't even want to think about it any more. I can't tell him so there's no
point in dwelling on it.
After we talked for a while and I showed her Saturn, she said she had pictures
of when Lex was young so we went inside to look at them. We went up to Pam's
room.
He was such a happy looking child before the meteor shower, but it's a different
story after. I stayed up all night, staring at the pictures. I didn't get any
sleep. I'm so tired, but I don't care. I even took one of them with me. I have
in my back pocket. He looks twelve in it. His eyes are so sad and lost.
I cried, but I forced myself to stare at it for a long time.
These memories are ones I will never know. I want to see inside Lex. I want to
understand him better. He looked so sad later. There are pictures of him and Pam
at the beach with his mother. She was a beautiful woman.
I asked Pam as much as I dared about her. I didn't want to upset her too much.
As we were looking at the pictures Lex and Feegan came into the room. There's
this one picture of him on the hood of a car. He's young but he looks so much
like the Lex I know. He even has that Lex flirtiness to him. I want to keep it,
but I have to give them back today. I've memorized ever one of them. I can close
my eyes and picture each line and each shadow.
I just wish things were different. I know they can't be and I should stop
thinking that way. I should just accept things the way they are. In my mind I
know why I have to be careful. My mom and dad count on me.
But the real truth is I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid that when I tell him, Lex
will think I'm a monster. I'm too afraid that he will hate me forever for lying
to him.
I have to push all that aside and be there for Lex. He needs me. Last night he
seemed tired, so after we looked at the pictures I left. I was tired, too. I
don't want him to think I'm hovering. I want him to have the space he needs.
~~
12:30p - I am totally screwed.
Last night I went over to the mansion. First of all, I didn't stop to tell mom
or dad where I was going. I guess I just assumed they could figure it out on
their own.
I spent the night with Lex after we went up to his room and had a pillow fight,
which I still can't believe I managed to get him to agree to. It didn't really
last long and ended with him pinning me to his bed. You'd think being
invulnerable would mean I'm not ticklish, but no such luck.
So he pinned me, my all time favorite fantasy since I realized my feelings for
him. Then we sucked each other off. I wanted to take his mind off things. I went
over so excited and horny. At first I was afraid I'd push myself on him, but he
laughed and smiled so much I feel absolutely no shame or guilty over what I did.
I made him happy for a little while. Plus pillow fight. Imagine what the
tabloids would pay for that story.
The only thing is, after we were finished we were both so tired we passed out. I
didn't wake up until seven in the morning! Lex was still asleep so I watched him
for a while. He looked so peaceful and so young. I really didn't want to wake
him up.
Lex drove me home so I could get my school bag and change. Mom and dad were not
around. Then Lex dropped me off at school.
My mom is so mad. She called me at school on my cell to tell me that I am to go
straight home after classes. I don't have a last class today so I finish soon. I
can already tell it's going to be a harsh night.
I'm hiding out in the Torch office. Maybe I can stay here long enough for it all
to blow over. Yeah, right.
I'm doomed.
~~
4:36a
- I was right
Not only did mom ground me until Sunday, which is totally humiliating, but she
gave me this huge lecture on responsibility. She told me I have to earn her
trust back.
I loved waking up with Lex, but I wish I'd gone home. If I had I would have
maybe been able to talk mom into letting me stay last night.
Pam died while I was at home. As soon as I got the call I rushed to the mansion.
I didn't even think at all. I just rushed over. When I arrived Lex was still in
the room with her. I'm so ashamed to say that I wanted out of that room as fast
as possible. I wanted to be there for Lex, but it totally freaked me out. I
couldn't even look at her. I even tried to get Lex out of there. I almost told
him that it's not Pam any more, but I just thought that maybe that might come
off sounding too insensitive.
Mr. K was there, too. We finally managed to convince Lex to leave the room. He
was in shock. I didn't know what to do or say. I felt so useless.
At first he was just blank and in complete shock. I brought him to his room and
once he drank some water he settled onto his bed. I held him in my arms. That
was when he cried for real. I was stunned to see him break down so much. I've
just never seen him break down like that.
I had to call my mom since I took off without telling her why she called the
mansion. She gave me one hour to stay with Lex then I had to go home. I should
have begged her to let me stay, but in truth I knew it wouldn't help. My dad is
so mad. My mom was waiting for me when I got home.
I am so tired right now. I am so torn. I want mom to be proud of me and know
that tone she gave me last night means that things will get worse if I don't
smarten up. I want to be there for Lex but if I had stayed last night there was
no way mom would have let me go over again. She told me I can't skip classes to
go over in the morning. I'm going to go over before school to let Lex know that
I will be by later.
He has Mr. K there. I hope I didn't ruin everything by getting myself grounded.
I hope he doesn't start thinking I'm a kid and that it was a bad idea to be with
me.
~~~
5:56a
- Yesterday, as soon as
I got back from school, showered and changed, Mom and I went over to the
mansion. She was very understanding. I was a total brat. I barely said a word to
her on the ride to the mansion. When we got there I took the flowers in and went
to find Lex. He turned out to be in the solarium.
Before I found Lex, mom and I talked to Mr. K. I got up the nerve to ask her if
I could go to Gotham with Lex. I even told mom I would accept any punishment
after I returned. She agreed. I'm still grounded until we leave. Mom and I are
going to the funeral today.
I feel so dumb for not trusting her. She likes Lex. I know this, but sometimes I
have to admit I act before I think when it comes to him.
Went I saw him for the first time yesterday I freaked inside. I felt so much
better after I was close to him again. Unfortunately my body reacted to that
with a nice little surprise for Lex. It was embarrassing. I hate the way I can't
control that. I hope it's not an alien thing and that it will get easier as I
get older.
In truth Lex didn't seem to mind. I didn't tell him that he looked so good I
wanted to do stuff to him right there. I will never tell anybody that. I
shouldn't even be thinking this way when he's hurting so badly. He looked so
lost and drained and meek yesterday. I've never seen him so vulnerable. It
totally made me want to protect him from everything in the world; even me.
I suddenly felt this desire to tell him about me. It was such bad timing and I
knew it. My heart was pounding in my chest so hard I thought it would explode. I
think Lex heard it. I hugged him close and I wanted him to have everything.
My mom walked in and that was so much more embarrassing than anything else. I
was still turned on. I hate that so much. It's the most frustrating thing ever.
After I left, since mom would only let me stay until six, I sat in the loft
thinking about it. I thought about how he would feel, and what he would do. Then
I realized if I had told him right now, it would have been the worse thing I
could have done.
I'm not ready but I know that one day I will be. I can feel it.
~
11:06p - funeral for a friend
The funeral was a funeral. It was private and quiet. Mom and I drove into the
city and met Lex at the cemetery. I stood by his side, and he was very cool and
collected. He had on what I would consider his public face.
I kept telling myself Pam is better off now. She won't be hurting or sick
anymore, but that never helps. I miss her already. I still have the photo album
she leant to me. I didn't get a chance to give it back. I wanted to do that in
person, and now I never will.
She was so kind to me. I remember that first time we met like it was just today.
I must have known there was something about her even then because I felt so
comfortable talking to her.
I want her to be back. I want her to be still at the mansion, waiting for me to
show her the stars. I want Lex to still have somebody he can look at as a
mother.
After it was over mom drove us home. I kept busy with chores and since I am
grounded until further notice, I figured I might was well get as much work done
as possible. I took it slow and easy to make it last as long as possible.
Mom and dad had a fight about whether I should go with Lex to Gotham, but mom
convinced him that since I was honest with her, and Lex needs me, they should
let me go. So tomorrow morning I am off to the mansion. I think mom is driving
me. I feel like a ten year old. I guess that's my fault. I'm usually so honest
with my mom and dad. Dad's bias when it comes to Lex makes it harder.
I feel a little off tonight. I did all my homework and finished every single
chore but now I feel lost. I think I'm going to read or maybe shoot some hoops,
although, shooting hoops kind of sucks when you do it alone.
I have to keep fighting this urge to run to the mansion and check on Lex. I
should be with him right now. I need him, and he needs me.
~~
2:30a - Birthday
We're here at the other
mansion.
I just wanted to wish myself a happy sweet sixteen. I guess this means I'm now
legal to do things I wasn't legal to do before. It's not really my birthday,
they just picked a date.
I don't have a party. Usually my mom makes me pie. I want some now. At least I
don't miss them the way I did the last time.
Go me.
~~
7:05a
- The weekend was a total bust
Now I feel so selfish. I went there to help Lex and on Sunday (my birthday) I
suddenly felt cheated. It was so nice. I woke up in bed with Lex. We were given
separate rooms but I went to see Lex later on in the night. I wanted to talk and
just be there in general for him. I wanted to see if he needed me and,
selfishly, I knew that I needed him badly.
I didn't want to wake up alone on the morning of my birthday. It's weird because
May 16 isn't really my true birthday. Somehow I just felt like I needed to be
with the one person I really care about.
He even asked if I wanted to fuck him. I said no because it didn't feel right. I
woke up with the thought that maybe now that I'm 16 Lex would want me. He'd said
before that we could talk once I turned 16.
At first I asked if I could fuck him. Maybe that was the mistake I made. It was
bad timing and I never should have asked. I was just so turned on and he
undressed me and did things and I did things to him. He was gorgeous! I wanted
him so badly. I wanted him to take me. I wanted to be taken. I wanted Lex to
want to take me. I realized it was bad timing but that didn't seem to matter. I
felt like he should still want me no matter what else was going on in our world.
Just for that one instant I felt so distant from him and us.
Then I left the room to go get breakfast. I did it partly to avoid us having a
big confrontation. I could tell he was becoming angry with me. I just couldn't
bring myself to tell him what I wanted.
I'm so frustrated right now. I don't know how things spiraled into what
eventually became the weekend I wish had never happened. After what happened
with Lex in his room I talked to Bruce, and he convinced me that I should go
back up to the room and talk to Lex about what was bothering me. The thing is I
don't know exactly what it was. I feel like a total jerk. Lex was hurting and I
didn't help out at all.
When I went up to talk to Lex after I talked to Bruce I x-rayed the room to see
what Lex was doing. He was drinking so I left him. I was too afraid that we'd
just fight and it would get worse.
Was it that selfish of me to want that from him? I guess so. I can't even face
my own reflection right now. The only thing I want is to forget the weekend
happened and just move on.
We didn't really talk about it after. There was no point in telling Lex what I
want. He would just have said no, and I knew that. I was not really in the mood
to be rejected on my birthday. I feel at a loss here, now. I feel like I was
totally in the wrong but I have no idea how to fix it.
Maybe he'd be better off without me. I can't seem to handle the hard stuff when
he needs me to. In the end I know that Lex saying no to me is a good thing.
I have a lot of thinking to do. I don't want this to be this way and I know I am
the one who can do something about it. I just hope I don't end up making things
worse.
~
12:20p - The weekend went okay
I think that maybe we shouldn't have gone. B has somebody staying with him. He
took an orphan. I will call him D. We're about the same age and he's really
cool. I liked him almost immediately. His parents died in an accident. I felt so
bad for him, but at the same time he has B to take care of him. He's lucky I
think. B is really a great guy.
I still feel that maybe it didn't do Lex any good. I have no idea what he and B
talked about, but in the end maybe we should have stayed close to home.
I feel very lost right now. I wasn't sure how to handle Lex or what to say or
what to do. I know I did all the wrong things.
I should have stayed home.
It was the crappiest birthday ever.
~~
2:04p
- I just broke everything
. . . in the torch office. Chloe is gone one day and every single thing that could
go wrong has gone wrong. On top of that Lana just came in to tell me that she had
a weird dream about Chloe being kidnapped. She seemed unsure of whether it really
was a dream.
Mom harassed me this morning about the formal. She even made the suggestion, I
think since dad was right there, that I might like to go with Chloe. The truth is I
know (and she does too), who I would go with if I could. I wonder how Lex looks
in a tux. I could always ask him to model one just for me. I bet he looks
awesome.
The idea is appealing. I'm going to think about asking Chloe as a friend.
Anyway I have to see if I can get anything to work. Chloe will kill me if she comes
back to find that I broke her precious paper.
~
8:40p - I was so panicked
Yesterday I was so panicked when I went over to see Lex. I wasn't sure what to
say or how to say it so I stood like a total doofus outside his office door
rehearsing what to say. We'd already sort of made up with the e-mails (I hate
fighting and mom always says never go to sleep mad) so I have no idea why I was
so nervous. I just had to go in and explain that I am a total incompetent dork.
Lex found me in the hall talking to myself. That was embarrassing. It turns out
I had nothing to worry about at all. We went up to his sitting room and I told
him point blank that I wanted him to take me on my birthday. I wanted him to
love me so much that he would take this one last vestige of my virginity.
I understand that it's not about love at all. He loves me so much that he
doesn't want to take this from me even though I offer it to him willingly. I
know what he means. He's afraid he'll hurt me; both physically and emotionally.
He's afraid I won't be me any more. He's afraid he'll lose me. No matter
whatever happens between us I will never want to lose Lex.
He can't hurt me physically at all. I don't even know if I'll feel anything. My
skin is almost completely invulnerable now. Unless I'm near meteor rocks nothing
can break, tear or penetrate it, although I have something for him to penetrate
so that is not a concern. I've thought about experimenting, but I always blush
way too hard even just thinking about it.
After we talked he promised to let me know when he was ready to go in that
direction with me. I was so relieved and felt so much better. I knew things
between us would be fine. I even fell on my knees and sucked him off. I gave it
everything I had. I think it was my best blowjob ever. Why is it called a blow
job? There is no blowing involved.
I wanted him to be relaxed so that I could fuck him. I hate calling it that but
saying make love to him seems even weirder. It was the most mind-blowing sex
ever! I wanted to see his eyes and I am so glad. He looked so beautiful under me
with his head thrown back and his eyes sparkling as he urged me fuck him. I was
so afraid I would hurt him. I should call to see how his ass is. At the least it
would be a very amusing conversation.
It's weird, all my life I've had to worry about my strength, but I was in
complete control yesterday. I knew exactly how hard to thrust and how vigorous I
could be. Lex loved it. He begged me to push harder and I did. Neither of us
broke and when I reached down to touch his cock, I knew I could do it. I knew I
could control my body enough to fuck him and jerk him so that he could come too.
It was so intense I just wish I could describe how amazing it felt to have him
under me, coming almost at the same time as me. It fucking feels amazing. It was
the most blissful thing in the world.
I totally love Lex. I am so sure of it now. After that night how can I even
challenge it.
~~
11:18a - Close call that I don't even want to think about
Last night somebody tried to kill Chloe. Thanks to Lana and a vision she had, I
managed to save Chloe in time. She stopped by and we talked about Chloe and how
Chloe was my first kiss. I was so upset. Then Lana had a vision about a windmill
and I knew where Chloe was. I ran as fast as I could to save her.
She was buried underground. I found her just in time. I hate to think what would
have happened if Lana hadn't had that vision. It really upsets me to think that
I could have lost Chloe forever.
I stayed with her at the hospital until Lana arrived to be with her then I went
straight over to the mansion. I needed to be with Lex. He was already in bed
when I arrived so I joined him. I was so terrified. I spilled everything, about
what happened with Chloe, as we lay in bed together. I didn't tell him about how
I saved her with my strength and x-ray vision, but I really wanted to.
It was so nice to be near him and have his warm, safe arms around me. It's funny
that I should feel so safe when I'm with him when I am the one who's strong.
I couldn't help it. As we lay in bed his warmth and soft touches spurred me on
and I got so excited. I wanted his naked body against me. I wanted to feel alive
and loved and just feel. I love touching him and sucking him off makes me feel
so connected to him. So I did it. I stripped him naked and sucked him off. He's
so responsive, and I love how he trembles after he climaxes. His whole body
belongs to me in that moment.
He pushed me down into the mattress and sucked me off. I tore the sheets when I
came, but I didn't care. I wanted to let loose. If only I could tell him the
truth about me, then I wouldn't have to worry about that. I could rip and shred
to my heart's content. But then maybe he would be horrified to see how strong I
am. I've gotten stronger in the last while, too. I have no idea how much
stronger I'll be. I just hope it's not so much stronger that I break everything
I touch.
I had to leave soon after that because it was so late. When I got home I told
mom that I was with Chloe and Lana. She had no reason to doubt me. I was too
tired to really care by then. I hope they catch whoever hurt Chloe. I'm going to
go talk to her tonight to see if she remembers anything at all about who this
person might be.
~~
10:17a - I spent the night at the hospital
… with Chloe. She was so freaked out about what happened. I don't blame her. When I
went to see her last night to ask if she could remember anything at all she
started to cry and talked about being buried alive. I wanted to make her feel
safe so I stayed with her and held her hand most of the night.
She's so brave and strong. I am so happy that she's okay.
I've decided that I am going to ask her to the formal. Now I just have to figure
out how to tell Lex.
~
11:39p - It's been the most unbelievable day!
I came back less than an hour ago from saving Lana. The guy who tried to kill
Chloe was a policeman who wanted to be a hero by saving Chloe, but when I
intervened he decided to take Lana instead. It's so crazy. It's because of the
meteors. They caused Lana's visions, and the visions ended when the police
officer was killed trying to shoot his way out of the situation.
I wish I could say that I don't feel guilt, but I do. They came with me, and
they are so dangerous. It makes me wish I'd never crashed here.
On top of that dad gave the check back to Lex. I am totally freaking out. Dad is
freaking more than I am, about the fact that Lex is suddenly interested in the
field where my ship crashed.
Lex stopped by to see me, tonight before I went off to see if I could help Lana,
to tell me why he's digging there. He told dad and me earlier that he's doing
land surveys, but why would he take the time to do that?
Then he dropped the bomb; somebody told him they saw my ship land. At first I
was excited because Lex seemed to be really interested, and not freaked out at
all by the idea. I shouldn't doubt Lex, but what if he finds something. I don't
think he'd ever be able to link it to me, although Lex is pretty smart. Lex
found that guy who said he saw the ship land, what if he finds somebody who saw
mom and dad that day. What if somebody saw my parents put the ship in the
truck? Suddenly I am so scared.
It turns out the only reason he's doing it is to try to figure out what happened
to him on the day of the meteor strike. I could easily tell him what happened; I
ruined his life. I fell down from the sky and killed people. The meteors are
still killing people in this town. But I was too terrified so I hid behind
mockery. I feel a little ashamed about that, but it's like when he said it, when
he actually uttered the words ship, my heart stopped. I didn't manage to get an
impression of what he would think if something came with that ship.
I want to go see Lex tonight but I can't. The way he was talking about the stars
and the ship, it frightens me. I think about it a lot and I know that part of my
fear is that if I told Lex it would make it very real. It's already real enough
for me. The ship is there. I looked at it for a while today, and wondered again
about all those questions I always ask when I look at it.
If Lex knew these things about me I don't know what I would do. I look into his
eyes and sometimes I think I could tell him. He loves me it won't matter, but
then this fear grips me and I can't even speak. I'd have to tell him how I came
from space. How I may look like a person but I'm not. Then I would have to tell
him about my abilities.
Bullets bounced off me tonight. A man shot me point blank and I felt nothing. I
don't even have bruises on me like the last time when Lex shot me. I felt
nothing at all, except a little mad. He was trying to kill me and my friend so
that pissed me off.
Imagine somebody telling you they are so strong they could lift a truck over
their head and throw it into the next county.
Would you be afraid of that person?
~~~
5:07p - What a difference a week makes.
I am so ecstatic right now.
It's all arranged. I already asked my best friend Pete and we can take his
brother's biggest car. It's a convertible.
I thought since we've all had such a rough week, especially Chloe and Lana, we'd all
hang out and take in a move, so we're headed to the local drive-in. They're
playing Shrek 2 and since it's a bit of a drive to get there we're going to have
dinner at the theatre, too. I can't wait for greasy burgers and that huge box of
fries. It's been so long since I've done something like this. We always all seem
so busy.
The school day has been kind of nice today. I spent my lunch hour with PR in the
cafeteria, drinking milk and exchanging sandwiches. Pete always hated his mom's
Friday lunch. I can eat just about everything. He bragged about his date for the
formal. I just smiled and ate my food.
Mom gave me extra money for the night, too, so I plan on buying a lot of dinner.
I haven't really had a burger and popcorn in the same night in ages. I can't
wait!
~~
11:27a - The movie was so much fun.
We got to the drive-in and
drove in line (you can't really stand in line at a drive-in). Pete and I let
Chloe
and Lana sit in the front seat since I am so tall. Then Pete and I volunteered to
get the food and drinks. While we were in line at the concession booth Pete
badgered me about asking somebody to the formal. I informed him I had somebody
in mind, but that I would have to wait and see. I almost said I had to ask Lex
first if it was okay. That would have been way too hard to explain.
I think it was a great idea. Lana and Chloe seemed to be having a good time although
it probably would have been better if every five minutes I hadn't asked if
everything was okay. I just wanted everybody to have a good time.
I spent most of today just fixing things and doing a lot of chores. Tonight I'm
going over to see Lex to ask him about the formal and to get his advice on what
kind of tux to wear. He's so stylish and I really think he knows way more about
this than I do. I bet he's been to a ton of these things.
I've never been to any of the school dances.
I have to get back to work now.
~~
7:55p
- I did it
I went over to the mansion last night and I asked how Lex would feel about my
asking Chloe to the formal. He was fine with it.
So earlier today I asked and she said yes! I was so excited. She seemed very
happy about it which is great. She also got that internship at the paper she
wanted to get. It was a happy day to say the least after all that unhappy stuff
that happened last week.
Last night after I talked to Lex about the formal, I asked his advice about
tuxedos. He even modeled one for me. He looked stunning to say the least. He's
so elegant even when he just walks out of his closet and isn't walking into some
fancy social event. I couldn't keep my hands off him. As soon as I saw him I
wanted to undress him.
So I did. He just stood as I undressed him and then I sucked him off while I was
still dressed. I was too anxious to do things with him so I didn't get undressed
until he was on the bed, waiting for me.
I wanted it to be nice and gentle. I can do that even though I am the clumsiest
guy I know. He didn't complain as I climbed on top of him, and we did it.
I never thought it would feel so wonderful and natural to just do that without
even planning it. I sort of knew when I went over that I wanted us to do stuff,
but I didn't really know exactly what stuff we'd do.
It just felt so natural to want to touch and be a part of him. I feel close to
him when we're like that. His eyes go all soft, and he makes these noises that
get me even more excited. He's beautiful. I might have said this many times
before or maybe I only said it in my private posts.
Things have worked out so well this weekend. I'm off to read this book I've been
meaning to read.
~~
1:09p - So weird
When I told Pete that I asked Chloe to the formal and she said yes he breathed this sigh of relief. I asked him
what that was about. He actually said he was beginning to think I batted for the
other team.
I am very amused by this comment. Truly I am. My best friend thought I was gay.
He also pointed out that Chloe probably sees this as us now officially dating. I
didn't correct him. That's fine by me if the school thinks I'm with Chloe. She and
I know the truth. I know it wouldn't bother her.
Of course the truth is my heart belongs 100 % to Lex. He is the one who will
always hold the key to my heart. It sounds corny, but that is how I feel.
Off to Math class. I think we have a test that I totally forgot to study for. Oh
well, I'll just use my x-ray vision to cheat. Just kidding. But x-ray vision
would so be cool to have.
~~
9:07p
- After dinner
Mom and dad showed me how to dance. When I asked mom about slow dancing, she
demonstrated with dad. They look so amazing dancing together. I love my parents
and I love how much they love each other. It makes me so happy. When dad dipped
mom and kissed her I looked away. I don't think I'll be doing that to Chloe any
time soon. When it was my turn to dance with mom I managed it without once
stepping on her toes.
We had a quiet dinner and mostly just talked about things like what this growing
season will be like, and my first official date. Dad is a little tentative about
it. I told him I would try not to get her pregnant. His eyes almost fell out of
his head, but it was so worth it just to see the look on his face. My dad acts
like I should never date. He likes to stay out of these sorts of things. Mom on
the other hand has to push just a little.
She kept smiling all happy then sudden she'd go quiet. I asked her about that
when we washed the dishes together as dad went out to fix that crappy tractor.
She said it was nothing, but I managed to get it out of her eventually. She said
she kept forgetting I don't actually like Chloe that way. I almost told her that
Chloe
is spoken for, but that is certainly not my information to divulge. I learned my
lesson.
It got kind of serious for a bit so we sat and had some coffee with a slice of
pie. My mom is the best mom in the world. I'm so lucky to have her. She is the
most understanding mom I could ever have hoped for.
I tried to explain to her how I feel about Lex. As we were talking, dad walked
in. Mom covered by saying that Lex had helped me pick out my tux. My dad only
grunted at that and went up to have a shower.
Later dad came down and pulled me aside to talk about what my obligation as the
male half of this date would be. Like the fact that I would drive her, and that
I should get her a corsage. Mom said she would cover the corsage. I think maybe
I could ask Lex to loan me his limo. I really want to make the night great for
Chloe. She deserves it. She has been such a great friend and stood by me through
everything.
Off to study. I have a major test tomorrow. Some teachers have no sympathy.
~~
10:47p - Jealousy
I know it well. I've been jealous of people all my life. I always watched from
the sidelines as other kids did normal things; dated, played sports, or just
played at fighting.
Tonight I went over to see Lex at the mansion. My tux needed a few adjustments.
At first he seemed okay with everything but then I realized he was really upset
at how happy I am about the dance. I was surprised, but I reassured him that I
am only with him. I also reassured him that Chloe has no interest in me that
way. She is just my friend.
I thought it was funny that he would be jealous. There isn't anything to be
jealous of. He's the first person to ever show this kind of interest in me in my
life. I think Chloe might have felt something for me at one point, but that is
long over. On top of that in the whole time I loved Lana she never once saw me
as anything but the nice neighbor next door. She only started talking to me this
year, and look what that got me; hanging in a field on a cross almost naked.
Lex has no idea how much he means to me. I could tell him a million times over
that I think he's the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and he
still would ask me if I was sure. He saved my life a few times, but that isn't
all. He opened my world up to scary things, but those scary things have changed
my world in ways that I never would have dreamed of.
My whole life was turned upside down by Lex. Because of him I discovered my true
origins. I found out why I get sick when I go near the rocks. I found out lead
can block the effects of the meteors. I found out I can love and be loved back
by somebody other than my mom and dad. It's all so frightening and I should
probably run from Lex, but he makes my heart pound in my chest, and my breath
shortens.
Today he pushed me down onto his bed and sucked me off. I know he did it to show
that I belong with him, but he really didn't need to do it. I didn't complain.
It was an awesome blow job. I even chanced touching his head. I'm always so
afraid to touch him when I'm so close to a climax. I've broken things in the
past. I was very careful, but I decided it was probably better to stop touching.
I'll try again another time.
I came so fast it was embarrassing. I'd jerked off the night before, but I was
still so anxious. It's much different when Lex touches me. His mouth and hands
and lips and tongue; I love every part of his body, but mostly I love when they
are touching me. He makes me feel sexy.
Then I pulled his clothes off just enough so I could suck him off and bite his
nipples. He has these really nice nipples that respond in this amazing way.
I bit his nipples and jerked him off. I wanted to see him lose total control.
Once I sucked his cock he went incoherent. He looked so fucking hot half dressed
with his head thrown back and his skin all flushed. I told him I would make him
scream my name when he came. I managed to get him to cry out my name. I was very
proud of myself. To be fair, I screamed his name when I came.
After all that he says he's somewhat convinced and that he might need more
convincing at a later date. Pervert. I totally love him!
~~
5:53p
- Everybody's life....
. . . was just turned upside-down.
Lex has a piece of my ship! Mr. Big closed the plant and Chloe might have to
move back to Metropolis. Everything changes so fast and I can't keep up.
The day started out so great. I was still on a high from yesterday and what Lex
and I had done. Pete and Lana were helping me decide what color to pick for my
tie and cummerbund and then Chloe told us the awful news. Lex's dad just closed
the plant. Just like that. I can't believe his father would do that! Our town is
like a game to Mr. Big.
Everything was going so great. Lex told me a few weeks ago that the plant had
finally turned a profit. I was so proud of him. He has all these big plans and
his dad just has to come and stomp all over them. I realize business is not
something you can play around with, but still, Lex was so excited. It's just not
fair.
I went over to talk to him about what happened with the plant, and to see how he
was holding up. When I was there I saw it; the missing piece. My ship has this
little octagonal missing piece and we always thought that maybe something fit in
there. I guess something does. I only had a chance to hold it for a second
before Lex came into the room. It has the same symbols on it. I am so sure that
it will start my ship. If I had told Lex the truth about me I could tell him
it's mine and he would have given it to me. Now it sits in his office, a fancy
paperweight. God, what a big fat lie to match my own big fat lies. He must have
found it when he did that dig at the crash site.
I am so freaked out. I know there is no logical way Lex can trace it back to me,
but what if there is? What if somehow he could figure it out? Lex is very smart.
That guy told him about my ship landing. What if Lex has already figured out
what it's for and he's not telling me? He was so distracted when I stopped by. I
wanted to ask if I could borrow his limo for the dance, but I'm sure that is the
last thing on his mind right now. He has way more important things to worry
about like all those poor people who are now out of a job.
I couldn't imagine what it must be like to have so much riding on you. I have
every confidence in him, and I know that he will do something to fix things. I
just wish I could do more than just sit back, but what the heck can I do besides
give him my complete support?
When I got home mom and dad were reading the special edition of the local paper.
Dad seemed so happy that Lex would now be gone from our lives, though he wasn't
happy that Lex had screwed things up for everybody else. My mind is in such
turmoil right now. I'm so mad at my dad. The first thing he did was accuse Lex
of sitting on his ass and letting the plant fall apart. I wanted to smack him so
hard.
I just hope things get better from here.
Still, if I could get that missing piece and put it in the ship maybe so many
questions would be answered. Maybe then I would find out why I'm here and where
I came from. Maybe it would ease my fears.
I need to run.
~
11:44p -
I still feel
bad
I went for a long walk to clear my head, but it didn't really help. Things have
gone really bad today. Mr. Big closed down the plant Lex runs. He's trying to
get Lex to move back to the city and he thinks that if he closes it down Lex
will fall in line. I wish I could go see him again, I went by earlier, but he
was so busy.
I did go by the mansion again but I didn't go inside. I ran into Mr. K out in
the gardens and we talked for a bit. He had no idea about any of this and looked
so sad. He's caught in the middle of it. I feel bad for him; I feel bad for
everybody. Over 2000 people lost their jobs.
I stayed with Mr. K for a while and we talked, mostly about how it sucks to have
to grow up. I couldn't hold it in any more. I've been feeling so overwhelmed the
last few days.
I just wish I could go be with Lex. I feel so helpless and lost. He's alone and
I'm just a kid. What am I supposed to do?
I'm losing my best friend, too. Chloe may move back to the city. Everybody's going
away and I'm totally helpless to stop it. Lex says he has a plan, but what if it
doesn't happen? What if he has to go, too? I know that won't change anything
between us.
The last time his dad offered him a job in the city Lex turned it down. He said
he didn't like that person he was when he was in the city close to his father.
If he's forced to go back who will he become? But I shouldn't even think that
way. I have faith in Lex. I know he will succeed in whatever it is he is trying
to do.
Lana is freaking out totally over Whitney's choice to go to join the marines. I
know how she feels. He's going off to join the marines. He actually asked Lana to
wait for him! I wonder what he's thinking. I mean, he knows she is with somebody
else. She said she couldn't say anything.
Everything is changing so fast.
~~
7:39a
-
Damned truck!
I can't believe I just blew up the truck! I was pushing posts into the ground
for the new fence. I needed something to distract me and clear my head so I
thought I would get my chores done in the morning. I love pushing posts into the
ground. It's such a great way to burn off excess energy.
The truck exploded into a big ball of flames when I started it. Dad thinks the
fertilizer in the back somehow ignited. I feel like a total idiot. We can't
afford a new truck, and how the heck am I going to take Chloe to the dance now!
At least it was me in the truck and not mom or dad.
I didn't even feel the heat from the flames this time. The debris didn't hurt at
all this time. I haven't got a single bruise or scratch on me. Mom thinks I'm
getting stronger. It totally freaks me out when stuff like this happens.
I just took a shower and changed. I have to get to school soon.
The only bonus is that mom totally pampered me. She made me fresh pancakes for
breakfast and they smell awesome.
~
12:39p - One step closer
Now that Chloe's dad has lost
his job they might have to move away for good. At first I asked Chloe if she wanted
to cancel out on the formal, but she wants something to go right so everything
is still on. She even begged me not to abandon her at the dance. I reassured her
that I would never do that to her. I vow that we she is going to have the best
night of her life. I really want to make everything great for her.
She's going to pick me up tomorrow to take us to the dance since we lost our
truck in an accident.
I just called Lex and asked him to order a red tie combo for my tux. I'm sure he
has other things on his mind. I just needed a distraction. It was nice to hear
his voice. I asked him how things were going with the plant situation. He sounds
determined, but tired. I wish there was something more I could do for him.
~
8:00p
-
The truck was not an accident
Some reporter who knows all about me blew our truck up on purpose. He wanted to
test me. When I was at the Talon today he approached me. Lex interrupted and
told him off. I wish I was that slick. I totally love how he verbally kicked
that guy's ass for bothering me. I couldn't believe this guy. He has no idea who
he's messing with.
Why is it that as soon as somebody finds out about me they want to take
advantage of me? I would never hurt anybody and every time somebody has found
out about my abilities they've wanted to kill me or take control of me. The last
time I was this freaked out was when that cop found out. That turned out so bad.
I have no idea what to do now. Dad said that he and mom would take care of it.
He thinks that if this guy really is after something he'll go to him about it.
The only person who has never tried to hurt me is Bruce.
I know my parents will be able to handle it, but sometimes I wish I had Lex in
my corner. I know he'd do anything to protect me. Maybe that's what I fear. What
if anything, to Lex, means killing? I could never live with it if Lex was forced
to kill for me.
~~
10:46a - I can't believe Lex!
He's so good to me. I just
got the tux early this morning. He had it delivered and on top of that he
changed the tie combo from red to black. He's so amazing. I wanted to call and
tell him I changed my mind and that I wanted black instead. Somehow Lex knew. I
want to run over there right now and kiss him into a big huge ball of mush, and
then I would throw him on his bed and make him squirm and beg for me to keep
going.
I totally love him!!!!!!!!
After the dance I am going to give him a big present. I hope he's up for it.
Last night I went over for an hour just to give him a taste of what's to come.
We didn't even remove a single stitch of clothing, but the kisses and the
touches were so hot. I told him how much I love him.
~
4:10p - I love him so much.
He had time to stop by just
before Chloe picked me up for the dance. It was so wonderful to see him. I asked
about how the buyout was going. He said things were going to get worse before
they got better. I know he'll do it. I have faith that he will best his father.
He arrived just in time to help me with my tie. Then he started talking weird,
saying things about how no matter what happened in the next while he and I would
still be friends. I wasn't sure how to react to that so I just kissed him. He
really looked like he needed it. I wanted to do more, but my mom and dad were in
the house and Chloe was due to arrive at any moment. She isn't here yet, but she
will be soon.
I told him I would go by the mansion later tonight, since mom and dad said I
don't have a curfew tonight, and we could celebrate together. I want him so
badly I get hard just thinking about him. I better stop that since Chloe is about
to arrive.
I am so excited.
~
8:03p
My whole world changed in just a few hours. The ship is gone. Dad is missing and
maybe dead. The dance is ruined. So much happened my head is spinning.
I had to run off on Chloe to save Lana. I hate that I broke my word to Chloe,
but I'm so glad I did it. Lana would not have survived if I hadn't gone after
her. I ran right into the heart of the storm to save her. When I found her she
was in the truck caught in one of the funnels maybe a few miles off the ground.
I think I might have actually flown. It felt like I did.
Somehow I managed to control my direction enough to get into the truck and cover
her up so she wouldn't get hurt. She passed out by the time we got back on the
ground. I can't even remember how that happened. We were just on the ground all
of a sudden and she was out cold. My tux is ruined, but I don't care. Chloe is
going to be so angry. I think even when she knows that I ran to rescue Lana she
may still be mad at me.
After I brought Lana to the hospital and made sure she was okay I ran as fast as
I could to the house. I found mom in the storm cellar knocked out. The ship is
gone and so is dad. He went after Nixon. I'm going to go look for him right now.
I just needed to think for a minute.
If my dad gets hurt because of me I don't know what I'll do. I'm going to go
look for him now.
~
11:37p - I can't believe how naive I was!
I am such a fool. All this
time I let him touch me and he was going behind my back.
I didn't find dad. Lex went out with me to help me look for him. We split up, on
Lex's suggestion, to cover more ground. When I met up with him later I caught
him talking on his cell phone to Roger. I couldn't believe it.
The look on Lex's face when he lied … it was so obvious and when I called him on
it he hesitated. He told me earlier in the evening that he almost let his father
die in the storm. He said he hesitated then. He said he almost let his dad die,
and thought his life would be easier if he'd gone through with it. I felt so
horrible for him, but I told him it was okay because he'd made the right choice;
he chose to save his father.
Maybe he just told me that to get me to feel sorry for him. Maybe all of this;
us, has been nothing but a great big manipulation on his part.
I feel like a total idiot. Lex lied about knowing that guy. He told me he didn't
know him and I caught him talking to him on his phone, and then lied about it!
Right to my face! How stupid does he think I am? He must think I'm just some
dumb hick he can manipulate and take advantage of and I fell for it totally.
How much of what he's said to me is a lie? I can't believe this. My dad is still
out there somewhere, doing who knows what. Mom is so upset. How do I tell her
it's because of Lex that this is happening? I told him so many private things
and maybe all this time he was laughing at me just so he could find out my
secrets. If my dad was right all along about him I don't know what I'll do. I
know one thing for sure. I am never letting him touch me again.
I felt so betrayed when I heard Lex say Nixon's name. I think back to when I ran
into that guy at the Talon. How Lex pretended he didn't know him. Did he tell
Nixon to blow me up? Did he know all this time what to look for? What about that
piece of the ship? Lex had it in his office. I saw it there. Now my ship is
gone, and Roger has it on tape. He's going to give that to Lex, and then
everything will be over.
For the first time in as long as I can remember my mom and I had dinner without
my dad there. My lies don't hurt anybody; Lex's lie might cost me my father.
I feel like my whole world just fell apart.
12:55 am - Life never gets easier.
I think my mom actually, for a moment, thought that dad would kill Nixon. She hesitated. There's a lot of that going
around. I am so glad he didn't. We were lucky Lex showed up when he did. I don't even know how to thank him for saving my dad's life. I
haven't had a chance to talk to him at all since it happened.
I was passed out when it happened so I didn't see it. Nixon was going to take me. If Lex hadn't shown up dad might be dead now and who knows
what Nixon would have done with me.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Lex saved my whole family. I could have lost everything if it hadn't been for him. I wish I
could call him or something but it's so late.
I e-mailed him.
to let you know
I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for my family. I was really busy all day today, but I promise I'll come by tomorrow to see
you. Let me know when would be a good time.
How is your dad doing? I hope the surgery went okay. See you soon.
Clark
It's such a crappy e-mail. I should have said more. I just didn't know what to say.
I'm going to wait to see if he e-mails me back.
~
11:32 pm - I had no idea what to say.
I went to see Lex but I was totally at a loss as to what to say. I told him if he needs to talk I'm here for him, but
he said he didn't want to talk. He was already drinking when I got there. It feels like a million years have passed, and we're not the same
people any more. Only it hasn't and I'm still me and he's still Lex.
What am I supposed to say to him? Thanks for killing Nixon for me. Hey Lex, sorry you were forced to shoot a man to save my dad who hated
your guts.
He was right there sitting beside me and I was a total loser. All I could think was that anybody else would have known what to say, but as
usual I couldn't find the right words. I made up a lie about having to leave to help dad. He didn't look like he wanted me there. I felt
like an intruder.
I ran to Gotham before I even knew what was happening. I kept thinking that Bruce would know what to do. I went to see him, and told him
what happened. I could tell him everything because he knows about me. He knows about what I really am.
He's coming to see Lex tomorrow. I was so grateful I would have given him just about anything he wanted at that moment. He just asked me to
go home. So here I am alone in the loft, wondering when the pain of my crash landing will end.
~
11:06 am - Maybe I was a little hasty last night
I should have thought things through when I talked to B about what happened with
Lex. What if Lex gets mad when B shows
up? He might not be too thrilled that I brought B into this. I don't care. I only care that
Lex is happy again, and right now I don't really
feel that I can help him to resolve what happened.
I should have been more coherent when I talked to B. I totally freaked him out. Last night I came away from his place feeling like things
would be better, but this morning all I can think is that Lex will get mad, and I've totally screwed everything up again.
Part of me is too scared to go see him, and part of me feels that nothing should be different, but I know it is. So much has happened. I
have to do something. The things I said can't just be brushed off. I really wish they could. We're not really still fighting so much as not
sure where to take things from here.
I just e-mailed Lex and asked him out. He said yes!!!! Yeah! Now we just have to figure out what we want to do. I didn't really think that
far ahead.
So, this was his response:
Sounds very tempting, angel. This will give me something to contemplate as I work. I'll come up with a plan. How long would you be able
to get away for? A day? Overnight? Let me know the parameters of our excursion.
Now I just have to ask mom and dad. Wish me luck.
~
11:13 am - Mom and dad said yes!!
I asked last night after dinner and to my shock mom and dad debated it right in front of me as if I wasn't even there.
Then they finally decided it was a good idea and that both Lex and I could use some time away since we've both been through so much.
I was amazed that dad only put a few restrictions on what we could do. He said flying somewhere was totally out of the question, but that I
could go anywhere within the state.
I just got Lex's e-mail in response to the one I sent last night. I e-mailed him to let him know that mom and dad were okay with us going
somewhere to have some guy time, as dad put it.
Hi Clark,
That's okay. I turned in early yesterday evening anyway. After Bruce's surprise visit, I found myself rather exhausted.
I'm very pleased (if a little surprised) to hear that your parents don't mind if we get away for a few days. Though I'm disappointed to have
to cancel the reservations I made for that little hotel by the Seine.
Kidding, Clark. Kidding.
I know a place that's private and quiet and only a few hours away, where we could relax and perhaps do some stargazing. Among other things.
How does that sound to you? I know it's exactly what I could do with.
If you're wondering, I'm not upset about Bruce. It was good to see him, even if he can be a little pushy sometimes. I know you meant well.
Yours,
Lex
I had to look up Seine to see where that is. I think I'll just tell mom and dad that we're going camping.
I am so glad Lex isn't angry about Bruce. It's funny because Bruce didn't say much to me about Lex when he stopped by yesterday in the late
afternoon. I don't mind as long as Lex is okay. I know he isn't going to get over this quickly; I just want him to deal with it instead of
just pretending it never happened. I have no idea what he is going through and I know it was something that he did to save dad. I feel like
I have to help him deal with it.
I also told Bruce about Nixon and how he blew me up and how he had proof about what I am and how Lex said Nixon tried to sell the
information to him. I voiced my fears that maybe Nixon had left something that could be found. My dad told me he destroyed the tape in
Nixon's camera, but there is no telling what else he had on me. When I told Bruce I was planning on investigating he told me he would take
care of it for me.
The ship is gone, and I am so glad. There is a big part of me that really hopes I never see it again.
~
11:25 am - Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom and dad said yes so this weekend Lex and I are going off to spend some time out in the wilds of this great state.
I can not wait to be out alone with him. He even said we could stargaze! I am so excited. I want to make this all about him so I plan on
giving him whatever he wants.
In other news the tractor broke down again. Stupid tractor. Now I have to go fix it. I wish I could throw it into the next county and say
'Oops, dad, looks like we need to get a new one.'
Anyway, off to work for me. I do deliveries today. I can't wait to see the look on
Lex's face when I tell him that the trip is on. I am so
excited to find out what he has in mind.
~
11:23 pm - We're here
It's really out of the way. There's nobody else around, which is great since it's what I had hoped for. We have an
amazing view from this huge window, there's a fridge full of food, and the place is just huge. I'm in the living room on the fold out sofa
bed right now, using Lex's laptop, since I didn't bring mine. I didn't think we were supposed to, but at least I brought my telescope.
Tonight looks like a great stargazing night.
Lex is taking a shower. I peeked for a few seconds with my x-ray vision. I shouldn't cheat, but I didn't think it would hurt to take one
little peek. He seems so tired. I just hope this weekend he can relax. I know that he won't be able to forget everything, but I just want
him to have a chance to take a breath. He pushes himself so hard. I think that's because of his dad.
My dad never pushes me. He wants me to be the best I can be at whatever I try, but I don't think he ever really pushes. He usually tells me
what the right thing to do is and then expects me to do what he says.
Lex just came out of the shower. He's wearing nothing but green, silk pajama bottoms. They are so soft. He fell asleep beside me. Now he's
rolled a little toward me so that his body is pressed against me. He's so warm. Oh, oh his arm just slid around my waist. He's so smooth.
I think we're actually going to go for a hike tomorrow. That should be nice. I'm really looking forward to doing normal things with him. He
never seems to do normal things except drink coffee. I've seen him do that a lot, and that's pretty normal. Maybe it's just that he's a few
years older than me. He's expected to be adult whereas I'm still only in high school so I don't have the same responsibilities that Lex has.
Although dad would say that isn't true. I've always had too many responsibilities as it is. Now I have to add adulthood to them.
I have no idea where all this is coming from. I guess I've been thinking a lot on things lately. Growing up is totally sucky. I hate it so
far. In some ways it's cool. I get to drive. I drove us some of the way here since Lex was so tired. We took the red Ferrari and that is
totally awesome, but then there are things like being responsible for your actions. I've been taught all my life that there are consequences
to everything you do. I never truly understood that until this past year.
We talked about LJ and decided to friend each other. I just added his LJ to my friends list. Now I know somebody on my friends list in real
life.
I need to get some sleep.
~
11:25 pm
Tonight you fell asleep beside me, and I swear it was like watching you relax for the first time since I met you. You
looked gorgeous and you didn't even drool, much. Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to do this with me.
Maybe sometimes I might not be able to say things straight to your face so if it's okay with you I made this filter so that I can tell you
private things that might occur to me when you're not around.
~
11:45 pm - We're here
Man this place rocks. It's so cool and way out of the way. I can totally see us doing some cool stuff in that Jacuzzi.
Lex took a shower then promptly passed out. Now he's sprawled beside me. It's a graceful sprawl of course. He has one hand on my ass. Even
asleep he homes in on my butt.
Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and make breakfast for both of us. I need to get to sleep. Our first night and we didn't even make it into the
bedroom. In fact he just kissed me once and then passed out. He has the nicest laptop, though. I wonder what games are on it.
He's got a few games. I think I'll play some Mythology before I fall asleep.
His hand is making me hard, but I don't want to move it.
~
11:56 pm - The weekend
It was such a great weekend. I completely forgot all my worries, and it was all because of Lex. He's so amazing! I
totally could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He's undemanding, and all the time we spent together was so easy. I have
never felt so at ease with anybody before beyond my mom and dad.
Saturday morning I woke up and let Lex sleep in. He looked so peaceful asleep. He doesn't drool at all. I can't figure out how he manages to
still look so elegant even in his sleep. He's gorgeous. I took pictures when he wasn't aware of it. He looked so relaxed.
I walked around the area while he slept and checked things out. It was very secluded. It occurred to me that Lex had chosen this place so
that we wouldn't be seen by anybody.
I decided the best way to handle this was to not push him. I wanted him to talk to me, and the only way I could ensure that is if I didn't
push. He eventually talked to me about Pam and how much he misses her now. I wasn't really sure what to say so I told him that I thought Pam
was very happy in the end. She looked happy to me.
He told me that Bruce and Feegan had pushed him hard about how he was feeling. A lot of things have happened to Lex over the last few weeks
so I understand why they pushed. I know Bruce was my doing. I knew that he would understand better what Lex was going through. It might have
been a bad move. I know Bruce was glad I let him know what was happening, but a part of me thinks that maybe I shouldn't have gone behind
Lex's back.
It's been such a great weekend I don't even want to think anymore on those things.
We spent Saturday hiking and making out. It was so cool. It was refreshing to be somewhere with Lex where nobody was demanding his time or
mine. I didn't have to leave to do chores or stop any of the things we were doing. We were together like it was just us in the world.
We managed to do some stargazing Saturday night. For some reason I was really tired by the end of the day. I was the one who passed out this
time.
The next morning he woke me up with kisses. He even brought me breakfast in bed: a powdered jelly filled donut and a glass of milk. It was
awesome. I kind of messed up the bed with donut, but it was totally worth it since he gave me the most amazing blowjob ever. Then I sucked
him off and it was the best morning in my entire life. We were just us. No pretending anything, no asking, pushing, or pulling. It was
wonderful.
He packed a picnic lunch for us and we went for another hike. We meandered around the area, taking in the scenery. It was wonderful and
relaxing. I hated to come home to work. It was a ton of work. Dad kept me going nonstop all day. I am totally beat.
~
03:46 pm - Last night
Bruce stopped by to give me the files he found. Nixon had pictures of me from when he blew me up in the truck. Mom and
dad are going to the next country to pick up a new truck. The insurance money was enough to cover the cost of another truck. It's not a new
model, but at least dad can get something decent.
There is this guilt in me about all that has happened. I try to shake it, but I just can't help but feel that if it wasn't for me we'd still
have our truck. When I talked to Bruce about it he said all the things I expected him to say. I know my parents don't care about the truck,
and that I am the most important thing to them. I just feel bad that these things happen. Bruce also reminded me that because of who I am
there will always be somebody who tries to take advantage of that.
I can even think of people who would. I hate to admit it, but Lex is on that list. I'm so afraid that he'll be tempted to want something
from me because of my abilities, and I hate myself for thinking this way for even one second. Most of the time I feel like it wouldn't
matter, and then he'll suddenly start to talk about stuff. Stuff like when he heard from somebody that a ship fell with the meteors, and I
wonder how hard he would push me if he knew.
I am so glad he put the car accident behind him. When he promised to stop investigating, it was the biggest relief ever. He can be very
persistent and sometimes that worries me.
This past weekend I wanted to give him everything. I wanted him to be happy, and not have to worry about anything at all. I wanted both of
us to stop thinking about all those things that always haunt us. I managed to forget for just a few days that I am an alien and that he is
Lex Luthor. I know that in the end these things are going to really interfere with our happiness.
A tiny part of me hoped that Lex would finally want to take that last step with me. I didn't hold out much hope and I didn't bring it up,
but I can dream. I want it to happen.
I am not a Kansas farmer, and he is not just any man. Most of the time I can put these thoughts in the back of my mind, but sometimes, late
at night when I lay in bed alone, I can't help but think about them.
The ship may be gone but that doesn't change what I am. I have to drop pies off at the Talon today which means I have to see Lana. I hope
she doesn't talk about what happened. I want her to just forget, and move on. I want everybody to just keep pretending I'm Clark Kent, a
plain farmer who just wants to live his normal life.
Is that too much to ask for?
I had a little bonfire and burned all the files Nixon had on me. I didn't bother to look at what was on the memory stick. I snapped it in
half and then when Bruce was gone I destroyed it thoroughly in the flames, like Bruce told me to do. He's such an amazing guy. He seemed a
little down, but he said Lex was fine when I asked about how things had gone between them. I didn't even ask how he was doing. I was just so
nervous and upset about the files. I thanked him with a hug. I felt kind of dorky hugging him, not really sure why. I think maybe because it
just seemed so weird to hug somebody who's so strong. I wish I could be as strong and sure as he is.
He's seeing somebody now and I should have asked how that was going. I have to remember to do that. Maybe I should e-mail him. I should
definitely e-mail Dick. He's so cool and I did invite him to visit this summer. I have to set that up soon. First I will have to talk to mom
and dad about it.
I seem to always have so much to say now a days and it looks like it will be a very long summer. Lex is most likely going to be so busy. I
hope he can make his plan work. I wish I could go to his dad and tell him to stop knocking Lex down all the time. Lex is such a strong
person; I can't understand why his dad would be so down on him.
I feel so conflicted. I love Lex so much, but at the same time I fear him. That is totally fucked up and so hard to resolve in my mind.
~
05:45 pm - I just took a shower
And mom and dad got home a half hour ago. This was perfect timing since Lex left ten minutes before they got home. Lex
stopped by to tell me his deal went through. He now runs the plant. Very great news for the town since it means that nobody will lose their
jobs. I am so proud of him.
He caught me in the middle of work. I spent all morning digging ditches, and shredding branches from a tree I had to trim. Mom and dad went
to the next county to get the new truck so I was alone. When Lex showed up I was shirtless and covered in dirt and sawdust from the chipper.
I had the chipper on when he got here. I don't know how long he stood watching me. I'm pretty sure he didn't see me do anything
extraordinary. I did just break a branch in two and push it through the shredder, but I think anybody could have done that. Of course the
branch was almost as thick as my arm, so maybe not, but Lex didn't say anything about it.
We went up to my loft for a glass of lemonade. Lex was dressed up nice in a tie and everything. I felt like a pig, mussing him up, but I
have to admit I did get a thrill once he said he didn't care how dirty I was. Then I went all out. I even pinned him to the sofa, pulled his
pants open and sucked him off. It was such a thrill since we've never really done stuff in my loft. The last time mom caught us kissing
here, she told me that I need to be more discrete.
I was really shocked when he sucked me off right after. I came so fast because I was already beyond excited. He even told me my sweatiness
was a turn-on. I should have rubbed my armpits all over his face. That would have been funny. Maybe next time I will.
I have to take a deep breath now because first I need to get my hair cut, it's getting shaggy, and then I have to drive into town to drop
pies off at the Talon. Lana will be there to take the delivery. I begged mom to do it for me, but she showed not one ounce of sympathy. Moms
are so mean.
~
06:06 pm - Lex rocks
We had the most amazing weekend. He was the most relaxed I have ever seen him.
He just left less than an hour ago. He stopped by to tell me that thanks to his machinations (big word use, go me! I would never have used
this word until I met Lex) the plant will stay open. I am so proud of him. He's the most awesome, inspiring person I have ever met. I feel
so high right now.
My mom and dad were out so we were alone. We did a little fooling around. Is it normal for him to like my BO? I was totally amused by this.
I shouldn't tell people things like this but then he tells way more stuff (as I saw with his last post).
Anyway, I was half way through my chores when he showed up. Needless to say I stank like a barn. (Is stank a word? It sounds weird. Yup the
perfect word to describe how badly I smelled when he showed up)
I love the fact that my stink didn't bother him at all. I wonder how long he was in the shower when he got home.
I still have a ton of work to do and mom is making me sweep up my own hair. She's being really mean today.
~
11:12 am - Guilt is my middle name
I have it in spades. I eat breathe and drink it every single day.
Late at night when I lay in bed awake I think a lot about the pain and heartache I cause everybody around me.
To see it in writing, that Lex thinks I trust him. I do trust him: with my life, but not with my secret.
I think he deserves better than somebody who lies right to his face. I tell myself that my lies are not lies. That they are secrets that if
discovered would change my whole life. I fear that discovery. When Roger Nixon grabbed me and put that meteor rock in my pocket my insides
weren't just cringing from the rock. A part of me thought for sure that I would never see my friends or family again. A part of me thought
for sure that he would take me away forever.
Dad told me that Roger told him that Lex offered to pay him for information on us. If I ask Lex point blank if this is true I'm afraid he
will tell me to fuck off. My dad isn't a liar and I know Lex would never hurt me no matter what my stupid fears might be. I just can't seem
to reconcile things.
Maybe I should talk to Lex about it. But how do I do that without making him think I don't trust him? I'm too afraid and I think that maybe
this fear will eat at me until it consumes me whole. I need to get past it for my sake and for our sake. I need to figure out how to live
with myself, knowing that I can't tell Lex the truth of what I am.
I don't even want to tell him the truth because if I do then it's so very real and unchangeable. When he doesn't know I can pretend I'm just
me, Clark. Once he knows it changes everything. I become the alien that fell on the day of the meteor shower. If he hated me, after he knew,
I would die inside.
I can't chance that. I can't chance that things between us would change forever. I want them to stay the same all the time.
But if I told him he'd know and we could be together without things hanging between us.
Life sucks and I wish I could stop thinking these things.
I love Lex so much. Deep down I know I can count on him and I know that he would never hurt me no matter what. The only thing I don't know
for sure is if my origins would make him turn away from me or if he would stop loving me because of what I am.
Maybe I could talk to Bruce about it. He could give me an idea of how he thinks Lex would feel about me after the knowledge.
I want to wait until I am used to it and I just can't see that happening any time soon. Right now it feels like I will never get used to it.
~
12:16 am
Jeez, Lex did you have to say that out where everybody would see? You just told people that I make you hard!
Okay, I guess they know what I do to you, but still.
Um, so are you going to come over and show me those restrictive pants?
~
10:42 am - My summer is a dream
I'm supposed to go out with Chloe and Lana some time this weekend. Chloe's moving to the city for the summer which
totally sucks, but she has that internship at the Planet so I can understand her not wanting to commute all summer. I haven't really had
much of a chance to talk to her or Lana. I keep telling myself it's because I'm way too busy. I am busy, but I was never too busy for
friends before. I have to give Pete a call soon. He's going to be busy all summer so we're probably going to have less time together.
I've definitely been avoiding Lana. After that conversation we had where she told me that I can't hide forever I wasn't in the mood to talk
to her. When I finally did see her she didn't say anything about what happened. I hope it stays that way, because there is no way I am
telling her about my origins.
I did stop by the Talon the other evening. I was totally bored at home and I'm tired of having nothing to do all the time. The Talon has
become someplace I can go to just chill out. Lana was still cool, and like a total dope I completely forgot that she had asked me to think
up things the three of us could do when we go out. She made sure to write me up a post-it note to make sure I didn't forget again. I really
don't care what we do as long as I'm with my friends. That's all that really matters to me.
Lex stopped by last night. I was navel-gazing when he showed up. It was nice to just have him there. I thought it was funny that he was
totally ticked off that Bruce was named most eligible bachelor by People magazine. What he was really ticked about was the fact that the
article on his new company was relegated to a strip at the top of the cover. It's not like People Magazine is a business magazine. His press
coverage in the news was great. Lex looked amazing and so calm. I'm so proud of him. Even dad smiled when he saw it. When he saw that I had
caught him he claimed he was happy that all those people wouldn't be out of a job. I know the truth; he's as proud as I am. I can tell.
It's so cute what pisses Lex off. Stuff that I couldn't care less about makes his blood boil. I totally care about everything he cares
about, but a magazine really isn't that big a deal. I suppose the press coverage is very important to him so I don't blame him for that. It
was a nice article. I only read the article about LexCorp then totally forgot to read the one about Bruce. At least I looked at the
pictures. Bruce looked very relaxed in them. It painted him as an easygoing guy, which is totally not true.
At least I got to touch Lex. He's so pretty when he's relaxed. I love to look at him and touch him and just be close to him. When we're like
that there's no pressure to be anything but myself. In fact, that is all he asked of me when I asked if there was anything I could do to
help his weird mood.
Since we were in the loft and mom and dad were in the house nearby we really couldn't do much except a little touching and kissing. I still
got just as hard as if he'd stripped me naked and sucked me off. Thinking of him makes me hard. I hope that never fades.
I was trying not to be too needy, but I think I actually whimpered at one point when he kissed me. It was such a hot kiss I couldn't help
it.
Now I have to go do work. Dad is calling me.
~
01:29 pm - I love hot sunny days.
Yesterday I went over to the mansion to hang out by Lex's pool.
When I got there Lex was working, as usual. He never seems to stop. I stripped down to my swim trunks and invited him to come and play with
me. He joined me quickly and changed into his swim trunks. He looks really good like that, although I think he could use more sun. He's kind
of pale.
Once he swam some laps, he seemed much more relaxed. He probably worked all weekend and needed to unwind. I have a feeling I'm going to be
urging him to loosen up a lot this summer.
I swam for a while then just lounged around in the pool while Lex watched. It was so nice to just be able to relax. I love hanging out with
Lex.
That wasn't even the best part of the day. Out of the blue he gave me a gift. I'd completely forgotten about my birthday but he didn't. He
gave me a really nice choker necklace thingie that has this silver bead on it. The bead has angel wings carved into it. It's stunning! I've
never had anybody give me jewelry so I didn't know how to react. I'm wearing it right now. You can't really see it when I wear it though,
since it falls right along the collar of my t-shirt.
I have to be honest; when I first saw it I thought it was a collar. I've heard about that kind of thing and since I'd never seen one before
I wasn't sure if that was what it was, especially with the bead thing. The bead is so nice and understated. I really like it. I put it on
right away. I was afraid to insult him or something and I wasn't sure because he was giving me these weird looks. I think he was afraid I'd
hate it. I just have to get used to the idea of wearing a necklace. It's a little strange.
I took it off before I went to bed and just stared at it for a long time. I'm pretty sure it means a lot to
Lex that I wear it so I have to
remember to always have it on when I see him or when I go out. I have this feeling that he'd be sad if I didn't wear it. I don't want to
wear it when I work though, in case I lose it or break it or something.
He told me when he gave it to me that he wants me to always think about him and that this is to remind me of him. I tried to tell him that I
don't need a reminder of him.
After that, we made out on one of the lounge chairs. He is so hot! I love to touch his bare skin. I am a little ashamed to admit that he
made me come in my bathing suit just from kissing and touching. I don't think I made a complete dork of myself, but I came pretty close. I
didn't want Lex to feel neglected so I help him reach the same state.
When he told me that he'd be going away a lot this summer I felt my heart plummet. I was really hoping we'd spend lots of time getting to
know each other better. We've never spent a summer together. I know what he's doing is very important. I just hope he doesn't forget about
me while he's on all those business trips.
Maybe I should give him something to remind him of me so that when he's away he can hold it and think about me. I'll have to think of
something. I can't really afford much so it will have to be something inexpensive. Which reminds me; I get my allowance today. I better
start saving for Lex's gift.
Off to do work to earn that allowance.
~
10:49 am - Friends move on
She's gone. I really didn't understand what this would mean, but it hit me last night.
Chloe had to move back to the city
for the summer and she may not have much time for us. I miss her already.
Last Saturday Chloe, Lana and I went to a fair in the next county. We had a great time, although I could have done without the Ferris wheel ride.
I'm a total coward, and I hate heights, but when Lana asked me to go on it with her I braved it for her. We had a really cool time.
Lana and Chloe
looked so happy. They look really good together. I have to admit I still find
Lana attractive and she looked so radiant that day. It's
probably Chloe's doing. I can only imagine what they did after we went our separate ways.
Chloe looked radiant too of course.
I spent all of my time just watching them and wishing Lex could be there, but that kind of stuff really isn't his style.
Lana asked how things
were between Lex and me. I wasn't really forthcoming. I don't like to talk about my personal life, even when it's with somebody I know so
well.
I still have a ton of work to do today plus I want to go over to see Lex. I only saw him for a few minutes yesterday when I dropped off the
deliveries. He was very preoccupied with work so I didn't stick around. He's a total workaholic.
So, Lex, if you happen to read this today let me know when would be a good time to stop in for more than a little kiss.
~
11:01 am - It's almost summer time.
It's already started. Lex is leaving for a business trip this Friday for a little over a week! I didn't think it would
be so soon. I guess I didn't take it too well. To say I was a brat is an understatement. When he called me on it I tried to act like I was
joking.
I tossed and turned all night. I couldn't get it out of my head that I was being left behind. Here he is making these huge decisions with,
not just his life, but other people's lives too, and I'm just a kid stuck on a farm. I can't even believe that he would still want to be
with me. It couldn't possibly be good for his image. Not that many people know we're together. I might want to reinforce how important it is
that the people who do know say absolutely nothing to anybody about it. I don't even want them to hint at something more than friendship.
I feel so disassociated from that part of Lex's life. I can't relate to him on that level. He's so intelligent and strong and dynamic. I'm
just a big dork. It's totally depressing me to think about it. He's going to be out there in the real world while I'm trapped here, mucking
out stalls and moving hay.
What the hell does he see in me? I'm nothing but a big geeky, high school kid. I know he tells me that he cares about me and when he kisses
me he makes my knees go all weak. I loved sitting in the car, watching the sunset. We did that last night. I went over and he let me pick
out the car - I chose the red Ferrari - he even let me drive it. I drove us to pick up cheap drive through food, since all I had on me was a
few dollars, and Slurpees. We picked up burgers and fries with apple pies. Then we stopped off at a convenience store for the Slurpees.
I drove us to this nice secluded spot where we could watch the sunset. We ate and made small talk. His lips tasted so good, all salty and
wet. I love to kiss him. His lips were all red from the cherry Slurpee, and he tasted sweeter than cotton candy. I can not even imagine a
time when I won't love to touch his lips. Sometimes I think about the first time our lips touched (when I gave him mouth to mouth) and I
smile when I remember how I felt at that moment terrified, but humming with energy. I still feel that way around him more times than not.
He sprang it on me that he would be leaving this Friday on business. It totally sucks.
When he pushed me about how I felt I just told him I don't want to share him. It's partly true. I'm an only child, and I have only ever had
two friends all my life and they have always been there for me, especially Pete. I never had to share him with anybody.
I know with Lex it's not possible to not share. He's an important guy. I want him to do great things and I know he can. I'm 100 % behind
everything he wants to do. I'm not so selfish that I would stop him. I'm also not so egotistical that I think he'd stop if I asked him to.
We made out after that. At first I felt strange. I couldn't get the thoughts I was starting to have out of my mind, but then his kisses and
touches made me feel much better. I forgot to tell him that I love him. I should have. I just didn't feel like it last night now I feel like
a child for withholding just because my feelings were hurt. I'll have to say it the next time I see him.
I have to go buy him something. I haven't got one clue where to start.
~
10:40 pm
I went there today. The place we met: the bridge. The railing where his car crashed through is long fixed. I stood and
stared into the water and marveled at the irony that the reason I was on the bridge that day was because I was moping over Lana. I never
would have met Lex that way if it wasn't for that. I probably wouldn't have found out about my origins so soon. I could tell dad didn't want
to tell me. He knew what it would change.
He was right.
I'm glad it happened. I met somebody who makes my heart leap in my chest when he turns his gaze on me.
Lex is the change in my life that I would gladly embrace every single time.
~
11:16 pm - He liked the CD.
I think he loved the sex more. I didn't intend for it to happen. I mean I hoped of course, but I would never assume
anything. It happened so fast I barely remember even thinking it through. We were making out on the bed and earlier I was going through his
bedside table as he packed. I joked that he wouldn't need condoms on his trip and then there they were, handcuffs. I sort of accidentally on
purpose cuffed him to the bed while we kissed and told him he couldn't go anywhere now since he was cuffed to his bed.
I was only kidding around. Then one thing led to anther and before I knew it we were having sex. I was on top of him and it was so sweet. He
is so wonderfully tight. I love the feeling I get when I'm in him and he's under me. I feel powerful. Not that I'm not already powerful.
It's a different kind of power. I'm in control of us, of what we're doing. I can hold him and know I won't break him.
I know I bruised his hips. I held on a lot tighter than I usually do, but his ass was just so nice. He was hot, and lost in passion, and all
mine. I realized at that moment when I was pounding into him that I could have this every night. It was a heady revelation. It's so cool to
be inside Lex when he comes. It makes me come almost immediately.
Plus Lex just took it, and that is totally hot. I even forgot I had handcuffed him to the bed. He had to remind me, that's how caught up in
the moment I was. I think it really turned him on to be cuffed. I never thought of it that way, I was just trying to stop him from leaving.
It's so strange because I never saw myself as somebody who would be that way in bed. I always thought for sure I would be a giver. I suppose
pounding into him is giving. Maybe, I'm not sure. All I know is I think I am a total top. I love the feel of it.
That said I still want to have Lex top me some day. It's something I want to experience. Have him overpower me and take total control of my
body. I doubt it's even possible since I am so strong. I don't really see myself trying it with meteor rocks around. That time on the cross
when I was almost naked and had the necklace on, it seemed like forever, was enough of a weakening experience for me.
After we'd recovered and dressed I gave him the CD. Then we sat back down on the bed and kissed a lot. I thought for sure we were going to
do it again. I was so turned on. The truth is I was pretty much hard the whole time I was with him. I didn't want to leave. I had to and now
I'm home, filled with thoughts of what we did.
~
11:10 am - Lemonade on a hot summer day
I had to deliver some pies to the Talon yesterday. While I was there I saw
Lana for the first time since the weekend. She
mentioned something about helping kids out with a lemonade stand that's supposed to be set up in front of her shop on the weekend. I told
her I would help out. It could be fun, and distracting.
I also made Lana cry. I didn't mean to. I was trying to reassure her that before she knew it
Chloe would be back from the city, and things would
be normal again. Instead she burst into tears. I felt so bad. I didn't know what to say after that. I just kept my mouth shut and let her
cry on my shoulder. She looks so vulnerable when she cries. I get nervous when girls cry. I usually don't know what to do so I hugged her
and tried to comfort her. She told me that she may need to borrow my shoulder for the summer, which I am very glad to provide.
She really misses Chloe. I noticed she was wearing a ring. When I asked her about it she said that she and
Chloe both have one now. It's a really
nice ring. I think it's cool that they have that comfort zone. I wonder what she tells other people when they ask about it. I bet she says WF got it for her.
I totally forgot to wear my necklace since I'd been doing chores earlier. I put it on as soon as I got home. I won't lie about who gave it
to me when I get asked. In truth nobody has really noticed it, not even my mom and dad. Although most of the time, when I have it on, it
falls right under my shirt so it's hidden. As long as I know what it means that's all that counts. I can see how a ring would be harder to
explain. I couldn't imagine what I would say if Lex had given me one. 'Yeah, dad, it's from my imaginary girlfriend.'
My friend Pete came by yesterday to tell me that he would be away a lot this summer. He's going on the campaign trail for the election. His
interest in politics isn't totally altruistic. He told me he doesn't want to spend his whole summer with his parents.
Lex leaves on business today. I went over to the mansion last night and gave him the CD I made for him. We spent time in his room doing
stuff that is too private to talk about here, but I can safely say that I had a great time and I think he did too. He's so amazing.
I have a ton of work to do today which I am so glad for since it will keep my mind off the fact that
Lex is leaving. I can't even say good
bye to him since it would look weird having a high school kid see him off at the airport.
Dad's calling. He's in a really anxious mood today. I think he has a long list of stuff for us to do.
~
10:13 pm - I had such a great day today.
I spent most of the day with Lana. We took turns watching out for the kids that sold the lemonade. I wasn't sure about it
at first, but I had a great time. I only drank one glass of the lemonade. It was weird tasting, but nice. Maybe it was too sugary for me.
I took Lana out for ice cream after. It was perfect today to have lemonade for sale since it was a scorching hot day. I have to say
Lana dressed
for it. She was in these really nice shorts. I don't think I'd ever seen her in them before. She looked radiant in the sunshine.
I wore my necklace all day today. Both Lana and my dad noticed it. I chickened
out with dad. I told him I got it for myself with my allowance money. I had to
assure him it was inexpensive. I could tell Lana the truth about it, though. She was very happy for me. I did
notice that she had her ring on. I wanted to ask her more about it, but again, I couldn't brave it. Maybe I'll be able to next time.
I made sure Lana got home safe. We didn't notice how late it had gotten. I guess we were both so caught up in talking.
~
09:28 pm - I really don't want to get Mr. K in trouble.
I just came from the mansion. Mr. K is having a pool party! He invited the whole town it seems. Even my mom and dad
were there.
Things seemed really cool today. I got up and mom and I made dad a father's day breakfast, and then mom told me to clean up the kitchen so
she and dad could go do something together in town. They left in the truck. I cleaned as fast as I could since I had to go pick up
Lana to go
help with the lemonade stand again today.
When I got there her aunt answered the door. Her aunt has always been curt with me, but for some reason today she was really nice. I even
thought that maybe she was hitting on me, but that was crazy. I mentioned it to
Lana who said that her aunt was just in a great mood. I'm not
so sure though.
At least the lemonade sales went well. The kids were so busy I had to help out a lot. Mr. K came into town to buy some. He drove one of
Lex's cars! When I asked him if Lex had okayed that he just told me to stop being so stiff. I wasn't being stiff. I was just worried since
Lex is a bit odd about other people driving his cars.
While Mr. K was in town he handed out flyers to the pool party and even personally invited
Lana and myself. It was weird but It was such a hot
day so I understand wanting to cool off.
I went over to the mansion after I finished helping the kids to see what was going on. There was a full party in swing, and my parents were
making out poolside! Lana's aunt hit on me for sure this time! My mom flipped out and pushed her into the pool.
When I tried to point out to Mr. K that this was wrong, he told me to cool off and pushed me in the pool! I had to leave mom and dad there.
They told me to go home since I was being such a stick in the mud. Then they went back to making out!
I went home to change into dry clothes and then went over to talk to Lana. At least things at her place were calm. It was nice after all the
excitement of the day. There is something about her. She makes me feel different. Calm, like I can be with her and just be. We agreed to go
riding tomorrow. I haven't gone riding in a long time so I am really looking forward to it.
Now I need to clean the house. Mom and dad still haven't come home.
~
09:16 pm - Now I know for sure there is something weird going on.
Tonight Dad disabled me with a meteor rock, and then he and mom took off. They told me to grow up and stop being such a
burden.
I managed to crawl far enough away from the meteor rock to get my strength back, but by the time I did they were gone.
Mom told me to make my own dinner. That's not strange, since I have done that in the past. It was the way she said it. I can't believe they
would do this. I ran all over town, looking for them, but I couldn't find them.
That isn't even the most disturbing thing for me. This morning, when I came down for breakfast, I caught them making out on the sofa in the
living room, and then dad told me that during the pool party they made use of one of the rooms at the mansion. I can barely believe it let
alone write it here. My parents have never done anything like this before. I'm sure that they probably have done something like it at some
point, but to have seen it firsthand … man this is just making my brain implode.
I don't know what to do. I wish Chloe was here. This sounds like something for the wall of weird.
Earlier I stopped by the Talon to bring Lana her favorite ice cream. She needed cheering up since she had to cancel our morning ride. She
sounded so disappointed this morning when she called. I was glad I went. She seemed a lot happier after we talked. By the time I left she
was smiling.
It doesn't look like mom and dad are coming home. I guess that leaves me to do all the chores. Nothing has been done for the last few days.
I am so exhausted, and frightened, and I don't really know what to do. Meteor exposure totally sucks. I just know dad didn't mean it when he
called me a burden.
~
11:29 pm
Lana brought the lead box back to me so I could use it to get rid of the meteor rock in my loft. I hate those things. I
had to crawl to get it, but I didn't care. I put it in the box and got rid of it. Now I have the box by my bed. It's the box Lex gave to me
when we first met.
I close my eyes and think of that day, when he gave it to me, and now I can recall that he stood so close to me.
I miss Lex so much.
~
11:12 am - Taken me for a ride.
Yesterday I went riding with Lana to forget the weirdness that has been going on for the last few days. I had a great
time and it was so nice to ride again. I haven't done that since the last time she,
Chloe and I went riding together. It was a perfect day for
it and I really needed to get my mind off things.
We've both noticed strange behavior from a few people. Mr. K, Lana's aunt, and a few others seem to have suddenly turned strange. This all
started with the lemonade. Lana and I think something in it has made people go wacky, but we're not sure what it could possibly be.
She stopped by last night. I needed the box back that I gave to her a while ago. She brought it and dinner for us. Not that I can't take
care of myself, but it was nice to have dinner with her. Apparently her aunt left a note saying that she would be in the city clubbing. My
parents are gone. I have no idea where they went. I tried to find them again this morning, but no luck.
I'm so tired. I'm worried about mom and dad and on top of that I still have all the chores to do. I'm too worried to do chores. I just can't
believe they would do this.
Lana and I are headed for the city. We're taking a sample of the lemonade to
Chloe so she can have it analyzed.
~
01:13 am - With a little help from our friend.
Lana and I went to the city to have the lemonade analyzed. We won't know what it is until tomorrow. It was so great to
see Chloe again. Lana and I met her at Chloe's cousin's apartment. We stayed for a few hours.
Chloe seems really happy. I wanted to say that I was
sorry for almost kissing her at the dance, but there didn't seem to be any appropriate time to do it. I can't even remember why I suddenly
thought of that. It was probably when I saw Chloe and Lana kiss. They are so happy together. I felt guilty that I had, even for one moment,
thought of Chloe as more than just a friend. Not that I did that. I just got caught up in the moment.
We ate out and talked about what's been going on in town. Sometimes it just takes a good brainstorm session with multiple heads to figure
things out.
When Lana and I got back in town we found a street party going on. Even mom and dad were there. I asked them where they had gone, but quickly
told them I didn't need to know when they started to talk about motel rooms. The adults had set up a beer garden in the center of main
street only instead of beer they were giving away lemonade.
I ran into my best friend Pete and he, Lana and a few other friends of ours watched the adults. We managed to convince most of them to go home
and get some rest. It was chaos.
Now I'm at home, and mom and dad are finally in bed. I went over to the mansion after my parents fell asleep, to check on Mr. K. He'd been
acting weird, too. He was acting real goofy and tried to pick a fight with me. I don't think he was serious. I know he was just kidding
around, but it was so annoying that he wasn't acting like he normally does. I like him the way he is normally.
While I was there I stopped in the Troy room. I miss Lex a lot. I know it's only been a few days, but I really wish he was here. I can't
even talk to him. I miss his voice.
~
11:05 pm - Mom and dad
... have a hang over and Feegan was acting like a twelve year old.
Things are almost back to normal. The lemonade was spiked. Chloe called to say that the meteor rocks had something to do with it. I had to
watch my parents and Lana's aunt Nell, and Chloe's father. Once I got the lemonade away from them, I put my parents to bed. They were acting
like twelve year olds.
It was so weird, having them all act like children. I know one thing for sure, I am not having kids.
After they trashed the house, played my CDs and drove the truck into the side of the barn I finally got them to settle down.
Chloe explained why only the adults were changed by the lemonade. I drank some of it on the first day, but all it gave me was a stomach
ache. It's all gone now. I'm still trying to figure out what to tell Lex. It turns out the lemonade powder was made in level three at the
plant Lex owns. They used meteors somehow to alter the powder. I wonder if they knew what it would do.
I went over to the mansion last night because I knew Feegan was infected as well. I had to practically wrestle him up to his room. Once I
tackled him and convinced him to get in his bed (he was pouting all the way), he calmed down. Tonight, when I went over to see how he was
doing, he was overly apologetic. I promised to talk to Lex about what happened and to explain everything. I have a feeling that getting red
flames painted on the side of Lex's favorite black Porsche isn't the only thing Feegan did. I don't want Feegan to get in trouble so I took
the car. Unfortunately the body shop was closed so I have to wait until tomorrow to bring it in. I kind of like the flames. They look cool.
Mom and dad are in bed. They're both exhausted, but at least they are completely back to normal. I overheard them tell each other that they
were to never discuss what they did while under the influence. Neither of them has said anything about it. I think that's for the best.
The house is back to normal, too. And I need sleep.
Dick is arriving tomorrow at around ten AM. I have to go to bed so I can get up early to do the chores.
I wish I could talk to Lex.
~
09:21 am - I am so excited
It's so cool to have Dick here. I had to fight my mom and dad to get them to agree. I didn't tell anybody this at all
since I was afraid Dick would say that he didn't want to cause problems. I've never been allowed to have anybody stay over. It's always been
"what if somebody sees you use your abilities?" Dad is usually the one who argues it and mom just gives me sympathetic looks, and says 'Your
father has a point.' It's annoying, but this time I bugged dad relentlessly. I pointed out that I could refrain from using my abilities.
Once that agreement was reached he finally relented. I even agreed to take any punishment if I break my promise. So far I have not once used
a single ability, not even x-ray. It's kind of cool. I feel almost normal.
Yesterday I went to the airport just outside of Metropolis to pick Dick up. I didn't really have much of a choice except to the use the car
that Feegan had detailed. It was the coolest ride ever. I thought it looked awesome. They did such a great job with the flames and it kind
of looked like the car was on fire. Unfortunately Dick and I had to drop it off at the body shop to have it repainted. Frank said they would
be finished by today. He glared at me when I told him it was supposed to have been a present for the owner, since the plate said LEX 01 it
was kind of hard to hide who it belonged to, I told him I realized said owner would probably not appreciate the gesture. Frank promised not
to tell Lex. He was so disappointed that I was having it repainted since he felt it was his best work ever. He also commented that he never
gets to work on such a fine car. I felt bad for him.
I know Lex wouldn't appreciate something like that. He'd probably be horrified. He'd most likely think I was tacky for liking it. I get the
feeling sometimes that he thinks that about the way I dress. I never ask him so I don't really know if it's true, but he's always dressed so
well that I can imagine my K-mart wardrobe isn't exactly to his taste. It's not like I can help it. I hate picking out my clothes and I
trust mom. Besides, it is mom and dad's money that pays for my things which is not to say I don't pick things out for myself. I always tell
mom if I don't like something. Maybe I should start picking my own things.
Every since my dad told me about being an alien a small part of me feels like I'm intruding on their lives. I cause so much havoc for them.
There are so many fears and I can see it in their eyes. Like with Dick; I know my parents don't want to rob me of experiences that all my
other friends have, like something as simple as a friend visiting, but at the same time I can see where they are coming from.
Last night Dick and I just hung out and shot some hoops. We talked a little about Bruce and Lex. It's kind of weird because Dick is now with
Bruce and Lex was with Bruce. I am really trying not to feel uncomfortable about that since I think Dick is a real cool guy, but my brain
goes places now that it never would have gone before I met Lex.
It was so cool to have somebody over that I could talk to and show things to. This morning I showed Dick how to milk a cow. I never realized
how much fun that would be. I think he got more milk on his shirt then he did in the bucket. Once he got the hang of it he managed to get
enough out of Fredricka (that was what he named the cow), to have a breakfast of milk and pancakes. Mom is calling me right now to go down
for it.
I wanted to think about so many other things, but I'm being a bad host. Lana emailed, telling me she would entertain Dick so Lex and I could
have time alone, but I really don't feel right about leaving Dick with somebody he hardly knows. Lex will be back soon.
Dick and I have to go into town to get the car back. I stressed to the guy at the body shop that I needed it ASAP and he agreed to open just
long enough for me to get the car. I figured Dick and I can hang out at the Talon for a while and that way he can meet some other people
while he's here. I don't want him to get bored.
Breakfast smells so nice. I can't wait to eat. I am so hungry.
~
11:10 am - Guest falls for me.
Dick is having a shower. He fell in the mud (and other things) this morning when we were trying to clean a mess by the
side of the barn. It was so funny. I laughed my ass off then he splashed me. I've had other stuff on me before so I just kept laughing.
We had such a great time yesterday. He's so cool about helping out with the chores. I think mom is as happy as I am to have him here. He's
so cool.
Dick and I spent most of yesterday walking around fields and just enjoying the nice weather. We ran an errand for a friend first, and then
walked out to the windmill. It was nice to just sit and look out at the town. I pointed out all the landmarks, not that our town has many,
but you can see the mansion from there. We talked about the things we like. I think he is having a really nice time. I'm so glad since I was
worried that he would be bored, but I can tell he likes the change.
Dad gave us the worst chores yesterday. I know he did it on purpose so that we'd be occupied for hours. Dick never once complained. I think Dad
is just punishing me.
After dinner we crashed in the loft and talked a little about stars and farming. We were both so tired last night that we just passed out in
the loft; me in the hammock and Dick on the sofa. Dick is so nice. He never once complained about any of the things dad made us do. I warned him
that it won't end. Looks like Dad plans on testing Dick. He does that sometimes.
Later today Dick and I will be making the Monday deliveries together. First we have to check the orders and pick and sort them. That should be
fun.
I can't wait to see Lex. I am so anxious right now; I'm typing a mile a minute. Dick and I are heading over to Pete's place. I haven't had a
chance to go by and see him since he's been back.
~
12:39 am - I have had the best day ever.
Dick and I went over to hang with Pete. They got along great. We played two-on-two basketball. Pete's brother joined
us. It was so much fun. I had a blast and I know Dick did, too.
After we got back dad wasted no time putting us to work. Dick and I picked the produce orders and then delivered them, which meant the
mansion! We got into a tomato fight which was totally Dick's fault, sort of. Dad was not amused. I had a blast. I feel so free with Dick.
I finally got to see Lex. I was so excited and thrilled. After we dropped off the delivery, Dick said a brief hello to Lex and left us
alone. I practically jumped Lex when the door closed. I held him forever, and then I got on my knees and sucked him off. I needed to touch
him. He was so tired that he came really fast.
Unfortunately I had to rush off since I had my guest waiting in the truck. As soon as we got home dad put us to work. He has no shame. I
begged him to back off when Dick was out of earshot, but he gave me his patented 'You know better, son.' look. I totally know better. Dad is
so annoying some times. Dick was fine with it. He's so cool. I love having him here.
He's asleep now. I think we tired him out again. We talked for a while in the loft. I'm here now since Dick is asleep in my bed. There was
no way I was going to let my guest sleep on the sofa.
~
10:07 pm
There is so much time and so many things to do. Between dirt biking with Pete and Dick and then going for a swim in
Lex's pool, I went nonstop yesterday.
This morning Dick and I woke up in the loft again. We totally crashed after the day we had. Dad gave us the afternoon off so we immediately
left the farm in case he changed his mind. I was thrilled that we finally would have almost a whole day together. We walked through fields.
When we hit that field where it happened last year I actually told Dick about the scarecrow thing. I hadn't really told anybody about it. I
guess it's easier now that it's in the past.
I reassured him that things were cool between Whitney and me and that it was totally in the past and forgotten. After that we went over to
hang with Pete and do some dirt bike riding. The truth is I still have nightmares about it every once in a while. I've mostly forgotten
about it, but the helplessness I felt on that cross haunts me.
We cleaned up and went over to hang at the Talon. Lana was working so we talked with her and drank tons of coffee. It was really nice and
relaxing, and nice to see Dick getting along with all my friends. Lex showed up and invited us all to go swimming. Pete had to get home, but
the rest of us went.
The pool was so refreshing. As soon as we arrived Lex swam laps but Dick and I were too disruptive for him to keep swimming so he just sat
poolside. He looked amazing in his black bathing suit. The only thing that stopped me from drooling right there was embarrassment.
Dick is so cool. He urged me to go spend time with Lex, but with people there I just couldn't or at least I thought I couldn't. Eventually I
did go sit with Lex while Lana and Dick talked on the other side of the pool. They seemed to be having a really nice conversation. I'm not
sure what they talked about and I didn't ask Dick about it today.
I couldn't figure out what was wrong with Lex. Sometimes when he talks it's like he's speaking another language and I feel lost or maybe
like I'm not getting some double meaning. Like at the poolside. He'd say that he noticed that Dick and I are getting along, which seems fine
but then his tone is weird. I thought maybe he was implying that Dick and I were doing sexual things together. But that didn't seem right. I
wasn't sure what to say so I tried to reassure Lex without actually coming out and accusing him of implying something more.
I get confused even thinking about it. I can't imagine why Lex thinks anything more is going on between us. Dick is my friend and we're
having a great time. I didn't know what else to say so I just changed the subject to how great Lex looked. He always looks so good. I get so
excited when we're together. I felt daring so I touched Lex with Dick and Lana right there. Not that they were hovering over us watching or
anything. I had my back to them so I couldn't see if they saw, but I still felt self-conscious.
Lex and I even kissed. When Lex kisses me I usually get weak in the knees, this time with no exceptions. Thank goodness I was lying down on
a lawn chair. Eventually we sneaked into the pool change room and I begged him to suck me off. I was so hard and I couldn't help it. He
forced me to say it, and it just felt so awesome to have him touch me, and put him mouth on me like that.
When he was done we practically collapsed right there. I even got up the nerve to ask him if I could suck him off. I can't believe I did
that with my friends just a few feet away.
Dick and I left shortly after that and gave Lana a drive home.
Today I showed Dick the school and mainly the Torch office. He asked a few questions about Lana and Chloe. I found out that Lana told him
about her and Chloe's dating status. I also showed him the football field where I almost played in a game. I didn't tell him the reason I
missed the game was because I was locked in the sauna with meteor rocks. Dick doesn't know about my abilities.
Again I am left to wonder if he'd even be my friend if he did know. He seems like a pretty cool guy but a lot of people seem cool until they
are faced with something freaky.
At least I don't have to find out. I haven't used my abilities at all since he came. I was so ecstatic that I have kept my end of the
bargain up. When I told dad today he just grunted and went on with his work. Sometimes I wonder if he really is proud of me.
Tonight Dick got a phone call from Bruce. He seemed really down after the call. I wasn't sure what to say or do. He asked if he could spend
some time on line checking on Gotham. I think maybe something happened that he's not telling me about.
It seems like I've failed to keep Dick happy and worst of all I think Lex is unhappy, too. I thought about it a lot today and ever since he
came back he's been off. He seems angry that I'm having a good time and so far we've had two sexual encounters and both times everything
seemed fine while it was happening but then after the high wore off I felt lost.
I feel unsure and I don't know what I did wrong. I can't talk to anybody about it because I feel like maybe I'm blowing things out of
proportions. Maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there and maybe Lex is just tired from all the work he's been doing. I can't imagine how
much it must take to get a new business off the ground.
I feel tense now and I can't run because then I'd be breaking my promise. Maybe I should ask Dick what he does to bleed off tension. A part
of me wants to run over to the mansion and demand that Lex stop being weird, but then I just know I'll be wrong and make a total idiot out
of myself.
I think I'll take a shower and think it over. Dick has sort of withdrawn. I should just tell him he can go home. I probably bored him enough
already.
06:17 pm
I still haven't been able to figure out exactly what happened. I went over last night to talk to Lex, and we ended up
having sex. I wimped out at the last second and couldn't ask him what was wrong. I was too afraid that he would say it's me that's wrong.
He asked me to fuck him as hard as I could. If he only knew how hard that really was, he'd run in the other direction. I could see it in his
eyes after it was over. He regretted it. He didn't say it, but I could see.
After it was over I pulled myself together as best as I could and pretended that everything was okay. It's not what I wanted. I wanted
something more. I wanted us to communicate, and I realized that I don't know how to do that with him. I can't read him. I try so hard to
figure out what he means when he says things. I want to understand him so badly, but I think maybe I'm in way over my head.
We went down to the kitchen to get something to eat. He tried not to show how much pain he was in, but I already saw the bruises forming on
his body.
I think back to the moment when he cried out my name. I thought he was enjoying himself. I think he wanted me to stop or slow down or
something. I should have paid attention.
He asked me if it was what I wanted. I should have seen that something was wrong. I should have been stronger emotionally.
I grabbed at the sofa and crushed it between my fingers! If that had been him - I can't even finish that sentence. If he doesn't already
suspect something is different about me, this will pretty much do it.
~
06:59 pm
I lost control! He asked me to fuck him as hard as I could and I lost control.
Last night I went over to just to talk. I meant to ask him what was wrong and it turned into sex again. I'm so disappointed in myself.
I should be able to talk to him. He's my boyfriend.
I lost control and he's probably in a lot of pain because of it. He tried to hide it, but I could see. I saw the bruises forming on his body
last night. He said he didn't mind. That he likes it that way sometimes.
I thought at the time it was what he wanted. He urged me to do it. He asked me in that sexy voice with his body under me, begging me to fuck
him.
Now I'm not so sure he did beg me. I was so lost in the moment that I couldn't stop myself. I think maybe he wanted me to slow down or stop.
He said he enjoyed it. He reassured me that he did, but it scared me so much.
I lost control, and Lex is the one who suffered.
What do I do now?
~
10:59 pm
Lex
I just wanted you to know that I'll be too busy tonight to stop by the mansion. I need to talk to you about something that has been
bothering me and I figure if I put it here I might be brave enough to actually talk about it.
I hope you're okay. I know I hurt you worse than you let on.
I will talk to you very soon,
Clark
~
11:08 pm
A great week
He's gone home. Dad and I drove Dick to the airport. On the way home Dad immediately started to list all the things he wants me to do that I
couldn't do while Dick was here because I was pretending to be 'normal.'
The minute we got home he asks me to lift the tractor so he can fix it. I'm not a jack! I was too happy about everything and so proud of
myself for not breaking my promise to complain right then. When I pointed out to Dad that I had kept my promise he just grunted and said
'pass me the wrench.'
I'm not bitter. He's used to me being able to lift heavy things. He's used to me being able to do all these chores that no human could
possibly do. I know what's going to happen. Mom will figure it out and tell Dad he should talk to me about it.
I miss Dick already. I had gotten so used to having him here and us falling asleep together. It was so nice to have somebody who didn't
question my every move or demand anything more from me than friendship. And I didn't bore him.
Sometimes I just wish everything was that simple. I know it's a dream, since life isn't simple. Even if I wasn't an alien from another
planet life would not be simple.
I am so glad I have Lex. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's opened me up to new possibilities and if it wasn't for him my
Dad probably never would have told me the truth about my origins. I owe so much to Lex.
It's so funny because I love him, and at the same time he scares me. I feel so exhilarated when I'm with him. It's like when I breathed life
into him on the riverbank I breathed life into myself.
~
10:55 pm
I have no idea why I was so nervous when I saw Lex.
Yesterday, when Lex stopped by the picnic grounds in his brand new car that he got to replace the one I'd had repainted, he took me for a
ride. It was a convertible and really nice. It was nice to get away with him for a little bit.
Mom and Dad and I spent most of the afternoon in the park. Pete was there so I got a chance to hang out with him. It would have been so cool
if Dick could have joined us.
After we drove out of town a little bit he stopped and we made out. It was so nice and simple. I really liked it a lot. But if I liked it so
much why do I feel off? I feel like maybe I did something wrong. I'm sure it's nothing. I think maybe I'm just being paranoid.
So I hadn't seen Lex since the incident. We'd only emailed back and forth. That seemed to turn out fine, but then I totally spazzed
out when I saw him. But later we did talk, and I think it went well.
I e-mailed Dick to make sure he got home okay and he e-mailed back to let me know he had a great time and that he can't wait for us to hang
out together again. We did so much while he was here. I was afraid that he would be bored but maybe I overdid it.
We went to see Spiderman 2 while he was here. We had this big discussion about costumes. If I was a superhero I would never wear anything
that brightly colored. Mostly we shot hoops and spent time lounging. I think I really like lounging. It's relaxing. Although, I suppose that
goes without saying.
I think I need some sleep badly. Maybe if I get some rest I'll see things in a new, fresher light.
~
11:15 pm
I spent my day doing work
What a shock! Dad kept me busy today. The only time I had a chance to get off the farm was to have dinner over at
Pete's. He's heading out
again for a week so we spent some time together.
Now I'm just hanging out in the loft, trying to read a book. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about things, Lex things mostly. I
didn't get to see him today. I've picked up the phone a million times to call him. Then I realize I have nothing to say to him. I mean, we
could talk, but what would I talk about? Cows? How the tractor broke down again?
Or sex.
That last time we did it, I was much more scared than I let on. I had this fear in the back of my mind that I would break him or hurt him so
badly that he'd have to get a doctor. But I did it anyway. I pushed past my limits. I can't figure out why I didn't stop. It scares me. I
don't want to hurt Lex.
I was thinking about the handcuffs again last night while I jerked off. It's a total turn on when I think about it. I would have complete
control over him. He couldn't get away no matter what. But then I know if I really didn't want him to escape all I would have to do is hold
him down.
I keep fantasizing that he holds me down. I want to be powerless. I've only ever felt that way once, and that was when I was the scarecrow,
but that sucked because of the meteor rock around my neck.
If I was with Lex, and we were in a bed together, I would want him to take total control over me and make me his completely. That thought is
so terrifying and so exciting all at once. It's making me so excited.
I need to think about this some more. In my bed.
~
10:46 pm
This whole day has been weird.
Except for when Mr. K showed up for lunch. He called ahead, which he didn't have to do, and even brought by some cake for dessert. We sat
down and ate lunch. I was happy to have the company.
Mr. K wanted to thank me for my help with the car. He actually said that Lex wasn't that mad about it, but he has no idea.
Lex went out and
got a brand new car to replace the one that I had repainted. He could tell the car was repainted and that totally bothered him. He was
really mad. Anybody who doesn't know him would not be able to tell, but I could tell.
Mr. K also wanted to know if I knew of any houses up for sale. He wants to settle down here. My mom helped him out with that one. She is
really mad at Dad over the way he treated Mr. K.
Mr. K and I went for a drive to look at the house Mom mentioned. I think he's going to try to buy it. We talked for a bit about a few
things. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about Lex, but he did say that
Lex has been keeping to himself.
Mom and Dad are fighting right now. She's mad at Dad for things to do with me. They got into a huge argument right after dinner. It's almost
become a ritual; Dad disagrees and Mom tries to convince him that I should be allowed to get out more and do more things. It's not that Dad
hides me away on the farm, he's just overprotective.
I'm going to help Mr. K no matter what. I told dad I already promised I would help. He was steamed, but he backed down. Sort of.
I have a difficult task ahead of me. I am trying to make Lex blush. Any ideas?
~
06:30 pm
The last few days have gone by so fast
I have to be more careful when I do deliveries. I left Lex for last so we could just hang out and shoot some pool. It was so nice to just
hang out together. We haven't really done that in a while. He was tense and angry because of his dad. I wish I knew what to say to him about
his father. His whole life has been an open book so whenever something happens in the
Luthor household, the world knows about it.
His dad is somebody who scares me. I have never actually met him. I've seen him and he looks really imposing. My dad has had dealings with
him and really can't stand the man at all. I have no idea what happened to them in their past that there should be so much animosity there.
It was enough to make dad dislike Lex on sight just because of his name. It must be really bad.
I told Lex that he can talk to me about it any time he wants. I would just listen if that was all he wanted. I really don't have any words
of wisdom, but at least I can listen. He turned me down, and I get that. He probably doesn't want to unload all over me.
Yesterday we started to get hot and heavy on his sofa and my dad called right as
Lex was about to put his hand down my pants. I almost
passed out: total mood kill. Dad ordered me home so I had to leave, but I promised
Lex I would see him the next day.
On another note, Bruce called to tell me that Dick is missing. I offered to help find him, but he told me to stay put in case Dick calls or shows
here. I hope he's okay.
Now I'm off to make the date with Lex.
~
12:00 am
The date was awesome!
I just got back from Lex's. I fell asleep in his bed after we did stuff.
I feel so much better about things with us. At first I thought for sure the night was going to be a bust. We went for a drive. He let me
pick the car - the red Ferrari, I love that car! Then we parked and he pulled out a blanket. We stared at the stars for a bit then we made
out. I wasn't sure what would happen since the last time we were together we were interrupted. This time I turned off my cell phone and I
made sure mom knew who I was with that way she wouldn't have to worry.
We sort of talked about that time when I handcuffed him to the bed. I only did it as a joke and didn't really get that it could be hot until
after. He thinks I was playing dumb. How am I supposed to explain to him that I just don't get stuff like that? Before him I never
understood half the things I understand now. I never got sex until him. I feel so embarrassed to say this here, but I know you guys won't
laugh at me. It's not that I'm naive, I just didn't really think about this kind of stuff.
I have to admit I was upset by what he implied. I tried to hide it. Unfortunately he caught on. I felt bad after because we were having such
a great time up until then. We managed to get past it, but then he wanted to do more things that for some reason I didn't feel comfortable
doing out in the open. He was fine with taking it to the mansion.
After that the date was amazing. I wanted to ask how things were with all the problems he'd talked about yesterday, but I really didn't
think it was an appropriate time. Besides he had his tongue in my ear so I was a little busy.
I totally dived on him. He looked so good. He always looks good but I guess the interruption from yesterday (which required that I take care
of things on my own. That was almost a disaster since mom walked into my room a few seconds after I had finished. Thank god I had the
blanket over me!) had me more frustrated than I realized.
He was amazing. Everything was amazing. I fell like things are back to normal
between us. I can't wait to see him again. I totally loved getting off on him,
and on top of that I got to do what I had promised him. I got to suck him off. He very
much enjoyed that. Then I rubbed up against him. He feels amazing.
We passed out after that. I was a surprised but I guess I was more tired than I realized. I woke him and kissed him good bye then left. Now
I'm in my room. Dad gave me a dirty look and asked if I had been over to Lex's. I knew Mom had told him. I could tell. I think my huge grin
did not make him happy. Not to mention I hadn't showered yet. That thought just sent my mind to all kinds of nasty places.
I think shudder is the operative word.
Unfortunately Dick has not stopped by nor has he called me. I really hope everything is fine. I'm headed out to my fortress. Maybe I can get
some reading done before bed.
~
11:53 pm
D is home safe.
He called and we talked for a bit. I had a feeling that things with Broody were off, but we never really talked about
it in detail. I'm really glad things are better now between them. I'm also glad to see that D is home safe. I have to ask dad if D can come
to stay again before the summer is over. It was so much fun the first time; I'd really like to have him stay again.
I had a really boring weekend. I didn't do much except work, get really dirty and fall down a few times. I also fixed the tractor so that
was cool. At least it's working, for now.
Other than that my life is really slow. It usually is in the summer.
~
12:16 am
Dear Lex,
It's been bugging me all day. I have to ask? Do you really think that I had sex
on mind when I cuffed you to the bed?
I do not regret the sex we had after, but it wasn't what I intended and I think that you feel I lied about that. You think I knew that
handcuffing you to the bed would make you hot. I never thought that way until I met you.
Clark
~
12:53 pm
Oh man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't think he'd actually say yes! Now I have to pose for Lex! Naked! for
photographs.
I can't do that! It'll be so humiliating! I'll blush the whole time.
I must be insane.
Lunch time! I am starved.
~
11:33 pm
I totally blew it with Lana the other day.
She obviously needed somebody to talk to, but I ran out of the coffee shop as fast as the wind. I don't know why, but suddenly I felt
uncomfortable talking to her. I never have before. I mean I have, but not that uncomfortable.
I went over to Pete's place tonight for dinner. I'm avoiding my dad. (More on that later.) I just feel like I need to figure this out. I care
a lot about Lana and I don't want to hurt her, but Pete thinks that I most likely did. I sort of told him what happened. What actually happened
was I stopped by the other night to hang out and maybe talk to some friends. The place was a little quiet so
Lana and I talked for a bit. She
finally admitted that she and Chloe had fought when they got together in the city on the weekend.
I felt guilty even talking to Lana about Chloe since I haven't kept in touch with
Chloe as I promised I would. Pete told me to get my sorry butt over
to Lana. I told him that they have become really good friends and that they had a huge fight. I feel so lame for bailing on
Lana like that. I
guess I just panicked.
I better get to bed.
In other news I saw Lex tonight and we took pictures. Not naked ones. I promise to explain later about that, too.
~
11:45 am
Oh man did I have the best night ever!
I needed to get out because Dad was being a big jerk. To make a long story short he said no to me having D visit and stay again this summer.
I spent most of the morning doing a job dad had been bugging me to do all week, but I was taking my time since I had plenty of that. I was
having such a great day and then when I went to have lunch. Dad was so relaxed I figured it was the perfect time to bring up how well things
went. He said that I am way too busy to have a friend over again and now that things are about to pick up majorly he needed me to pay
attention to my work. Of course he asked point blank if I was finished that job to which I had to answer no.
Mom mostly stayed out of it, but she did try to reason with Dad. He was so stubborn. I ate my lunch really fast and high-tailed it out of
there. I spent the rest of the day in the far field so I didn't have to run into Dad. Later on I went back in to let Mom know I'd be going
to hang with my friend Pete.
I went over to my friend's place and we shot some hoops. It was so nice to see him and hang out. We talked about
Lana and of course he asked
if there were any new developments with her. I told him that she is way too busy, plus she is still sort of with somebody, to really do
anything romantic. I almost slipped when I told him that she'd had a fight with
Chloe. That would have been so hard to explain, but I recovered
and said that they are now very best friends and they'd had a fight. As I said, I told him about how I bailed on her the other day. He let
me have it for sure. He went on about how it was a missed opportunity. I told him to back off since it was really starting to bother me.
I hate lying about it but I really don't think Pete would get it.
After I had dinner with Pete and his family I didn't feel like going home so I stopped by the mansion.
Lex was in his office doing work, as
always. He had this old Polaroid camera on his desk so I took it and snapped a picture of him. We snapped a few pictures as the night went
on.
He told me that I didn't have to pose naked for him, and that he was only kidding around. He said he can just imagine. Since he has seen me
naked I suppose that is true. I really didn't feel safe or comfortable posing nude so I'm glad he said that. I thought for sure he'd be
disappointed, but he wasn't. He must have noticed the look of terror on my face when I saw the camera. He also said that he has to look for
those nude pictures of himself from when he was younger, since he wasn't really sure where they are. I wonder how he looks in them or who
took them or why he let somebody take them. I'm really curious, but I can wait. I think he might feel uncomfortable about showing them to
me.
The night was so warm we went for a swim. Lex had to lend me a spare suit. Luckily it fit. I had such a great time. I totally forgot
everything else and just cut loose.
After the awesome cool down Lex changed and we went for a drive. He still had that truck he bought for me in his garage! I was totally
shocked!
We brought the Polaroid camera with us. I wanted to snap another shot of him. He looked so relaxed and beautiful in the first picture.
We went out in the truck, and just drove for a while. Then we parked somewhere way out of the way so we could make out in private. I felt so
relaxed and the happiest I'd been all day. For some reason Lex stopped us so he could snap a few shots of me. The pictures turned out okay.
They look a little dark but Lex liked them a lot. As long as he never shows them to anybody else that's fine by me. I'm dressed in them so
nobody has to worry. Thanks for all of your concerns. I understood where you were all coming from since he is a very public figure and it
would look really bad if we took pictures and they got out and if the fact that he'd taken them got out? it would be ten times worse.
Anyway, we had a really amazing time.
He made me feel awesome! Then I returned the favor. Yup I mean we did stuff. Luckily we took the truck or we'd never have been able to do
the things we did. Sports cars may be nice, but they are not conducive to doing 'stuff'.
Okay if you really want details we got a little bit naked, but mostly kept our clothes on.
Lex is so hot! He's amazing at certain things. He
totally blew me away.
His cell phone rang just as we'd finished up. He did not answer it. He was much
too incapacitated thanks to me.
We cleaned up and talked a little before finally going back to the mansion. I took one last dip and then went home. Almost the second I got
up to my loft my mom came up. She wasn't mad but she immediately told me not to lie about being at
Pete's the whole night since she had called
them. I know she was worried because of the fight Dad and I had, but did she have to check up on me?
She wanted to talk about Dad and why he is so overprotective. Mom is going to talk to him some more. I hope she can get through to him. I am
responsible enough now!
We talked a little bit about Lex. She found out that was where I was for most of the night. I can't hide anything from her! It was so
embarrassing because of what I'd just done with Lex only a few hours earlier. She just urged me to be careful and told me not to do anything
I didn't want to do. I turned ten shades of red. I guess Mom knows now that I am not a virgin any more.
We even talked about my telling Dad about what Lex means to me. I totally panicked. I thought for sure that she would order me to tell him,
but she isn't going to. She thinks he'd take it a lot better than I imagine. I'm really not sure. I mean, Dad does seem to like
Lex better
now since the storm, but I can't even think about telling him. The idea sends my head spinning. Mom says I will have to tell him some day. I
just don't want some day to be any time soon.
~
10:47 am
I woke up in the air above my bed, and then I crashed to earth. Again!
This is not happening. If it keeps up I might learn to fly. Which would be scary, since I'm afraid of heights.
Mom's freaked. Dad's freaked. I'm still not talking to him and we have a ton of work to do. I think I'm going to bail after lunch and head
over to Pete's.
I guess this means sleepovers are out of the question. Now Dad can say the floating makes my origins a little hard to hide.
On the plus side: I was dreaming about Lex. He was under me naked, spread out. In the dream he said that he belongs to me.
~
11:13 pm
Family meeting
Mom got fed up with the fighting between Dad and me. She called a family meeting last night and it was not pretty.
Things and words got thrown, but I don't care! I am sick of it! Sometimes it seems like Dad just doesn't see that I am not that little kid
they adopted. I'm growing up!
I haven't really done much the last few days. I just mostly worked. I did see
Lex yesterday for a few seconds. I had to run off because of
the family meeting so we barely had a chance to talk. I have the farmer's market to get ready for tomorrow morning. It means I have to wake
up bright and early. I usually do, but I hate the farmer's market mostly. It's gotten kind of boring over the last little while.
Maybe Lex will stop by to steal an apple.
I'm just hanging out in my loft tonight, reading. Mom made the most awesome cherry pie. Yummy. It was so good! I love Mom.
Dad and I got along today. At the family meeting he did finally say that I can have D over again, but he also said that it can only be one
more time this summer. I have no idea if I want him over, I just wanted Dad to say I am mature enough for that.
He never actually said it; that I am mature enough. Or that he thinks I am mature.
That totally sucks. I just realized he never told me he thinks I am mature enough.
My night just totally died.
Dad is never going to think I'm mature enough to take care of myself.
~
10:53 pm
I just got back from the mansion.
I had the best night. It was so relaxing.
I spent most of the morning with Dad and Mom at the farmer's market. Lex stopped buy to pick up an apple. He just happened to be in the
neighborhood. At least Dad was nice to him.
I stopped by the mansion in the late afternoon. Lex and I played a few games of pool. Then we went for a drive and stopped in some remote
area with nobody in sight. Lex took some more pictures of me. They look half decent this time.
I hardly ever have time to just do almost nothing and this was so great. It's nice to have a day where you don't have to worry about
anything. Isn't that what summers are for?
After we got back to the mansion we went up to Lex's room to hang out and do stuff. I fell asleep and when I woke up again, I was a little
excited so we did more stuff. One thing I can say is we had sex this time; full out sex, with me on top. It was really nice. I snuggled up
close behind him and woke him with a nice surprise. He responded with willing eager kisses and sounds that still echo in my ears. I love the
way he feels under me, willing giving himself to me.
I feel so close to him right now even though he's at the mansion and I'm in my room.
I told him how I feel about him right after. Unfortunately it was really late so I had to leave. So I gave him major kissage and took off.
Now I need to get to bed. My mom was still up when I got home. She didn't hassle me at all, since I was in on time.
~
12:37 pm
Lazy
I'm being very lazy today.
I don't want to work. I just want to hang out.
I spent the whole morning hiding from my Dad. Where ever he was, I make sure to be somewhere else.
I spent yesterday over at Pete's house. We played a lot of basketball, and later on we went out driving in
Pete's new car. He has this huge
thing that he got as a gift from his brothers. That was so cool. I wish I could get a car. If I had one then maybe sometimes I could just
drive away and be somewhere else.
We just had lunch. Just as I was eating Dad had this huge list of things for me to do. He really wants to keep me busy. Mom made him realize
that I need some time to just hang, and have a little fun, so I'm going to go for a long walk. Maybe I'll walk into town and hang at the
Talon. I haven't been there in a few days, and I really need to talk to Lana. I left things in a mess between us.
I should go say more than just sorry.
Then later I think I'll go see what Lex is up to. He's probably at work right now. I'll ask him when I make the deliveries if he's up for
company this evening.
Off to continue my lazy day.
~
12:10 pm
I totally love my mom.
Yesterday, I spent the early afternoon just wandering around fields. I sat up on the windmill for a while to watch the world go by. I was
going to stop by the Talon, but I ran out of time. I did too much navel gazing, which gave me a lot of time to think on things. I have so
much to think about lately.
Thanks to Mom I had a really nice relaxing day yesterday. At lunch she talked Dad into giving me a break when it comes to chores. I still
did my share and I still handled the produce deliveries. I actually like doing that chore since it means I get to drive around and talk to
people. I like to talk to people. They tell me things. Like Mrs. Peterson told me all about her sixteen year old granddaughter who lives in
the city, and would be perfect for me. I just smiled politely and asked for the produce payment.
I thought about Lex mostly. I also thought about my ship and where it could be now. I still refuse to go look for it. I want it gone
forever.
I thought a lot about how I would tell Lex about me. I went through so many scenarios in my head of what to say and how to say it. I had the
nightmare again last night about it. In my dream he was so hurt, and when he told me to leave I refused. Then he pulled out the lead box he
gave me. When he opened it up it was full of meteor rocks. I hate that dream so much. I know it's about guilt, and I really do feel guilt
about not telling. I just can't do it. I know I shouldn't even think about it, but I can't help it. I'm getting so worked up just
remembering the dream. I need to do something to take my mind off it.
I caught mom and dad making out in the kitchen. When I got home from my fabulous adventure abroad I found them in the kitchen locked in a
major kiss-a-thon. I really love that they are still so 'that way', but I really think I should have fair warning.
Mom was amused that I was grossed out by their display. It's not that I was grossed out; I just didn't need to see that. It drives home the
limitations of our society, as well. It's not like Lex and I could do that. Sometimes I just think people are so unaware of their own
actions, and how they affect the rest of the world.
At least I got so see Lex last night. It was a nice night, too. We played pool and he kicked my ass over and over again. I totally suck at
that game. We also starred in our own make out session. One of the things I love to do the most with Lex is kiss. He's got such gorgeous
lips, and that little scar on his top lip is so fascinating. I love to tongue it.
I wish I could scar. It could be cool. I could tell the story of how I got it.
I guess I'll just have to be happy with sharing Lex's scars. I'm sure he's willing to share them.
It was a nice night. His hands in my hair and my hands on his hips; it felt so great.
~
12:09 pm
A long, hard morning
I just came in from the worst job on the farm; cleaning out the stalls. I hate that job and I always try to do it as
fast as possible. Usually Dad and I do it together, but this time I had no choice since Dad needed to go into the next county for a part.
Unfortunately I ended up moving just a little too fast and tipped everything over right on top of myself. I just showered so I wouldn't
smell like the cows used me for a toilet. Sorry about that grossness. I promise that is all I'm going to say.
Mom is making lunch so I thought I would take a few seconds to think. I find that writing here is almost like thinking out loud.
I had a nice day yesterday. I managed to stop by the Talon to see Lana. This time I actually talked to her. I didn't want things to stay weird
between us. I still feel a little strange because of the promise I made to her fake boyfriend. I promised him I would watch out for her.
She said that Whitney called her on the weekend, but she missed the call since she was in the city visiting
Chloe. He even wrote her a letter that
she said she hasn't opened yet. She did seem a little guilty about this. I can't blame her.
Whitney seemed to really think that things between
them could turn serious again.
Beyond that Lana and I had a great talk. Things seem much better between us. I ended up staying for almost two hours just to sit and think and
drink one coffee after another. The place is doing okay, but, apparently Lex thinks it could be doing better. I thought I would help out,
not that my few coffee purchases would make that much of a dent. It was nice to just hang.
My best friend Pete stopped by while I was there. He had a new girlfriend with him. He gave me his usual pity look. I am sure he thought I was
there to 'Lana watch' as he always says.
I didn't see Lex at all yesterday, but I think I will go by today to see if he can spare some time for a game of pool, or maybe a swim. It's
darned hot today. I'm going to ask Mom if it's cool that I beg off the rest of the day.
~
01:34 pm
I don't think I'll ever get used to the look on my dad's face when I do something super. That tree stump weighed nothing to me. I just
yanked and it went flying out of the ground. Luckily I didn't hit Dad with it. I did pull a little too hard, but sometimes I misjudge my
strength. Or worse, I'm stronger today than I was yesterday. At least it landed on our property, and not somewhere far away.
Sometimes it's so cool to be me.
~
10:00 pm
I really need to figure out how to control my blush response.
My day has been so nice. It started the usual way, working, this time in the field with Dad. We had a lot to do, and didn't get it done
until late morning. Dad went back to the house while I finished up and found Mom all upset over a loaf of bread. She burned her hand, and
it's weird to me that she was more upset over the bread falling on the floor than the burn. I hate to see my parents hurt, and, I have to
admit, sometimes I get a little guilty over the fact that I can't be hurt. Like the fact that I didn't even need oven mitts to get the pans
out. They're not hot to me. I know what hot feels like, and that isn't it.
I did all the deliveries for Mom today, including the ones to the Talon, and the nursing home. After I finished those, I came home as
quickly as I could to do the produce deliveries.
When I stopped by the mansion, I stopped in the office to see Lex. He was in a suit, which I don't see him in very often, but I guess he had
some meeting. I didn't really ask. I was feeling sort of horny so I got down on my knees and worshiped him. He's so worth getting my knees
dusty for. After he recovered, he sucked me off, and I really needed that. It's embarrassing how fast I come when he sucks me off. I love it
when he touches my cock. This time the real reason I came so fast was because he touched me there. His finger brushed across my hole.
It was the most amazing sensation. I didn't know what it would feel like, but it felt electric. Not really electric, since I have actually
felt that and it wasn't pleasant, but this was more than pleasant. This was like fire through my body.
Lex touched my butt hole. I was sure he'd never go there. Ever! But maybe he will. I don't want to ask him again if he'll fuck me since he
keeps telling me he can't do it right now. I think I'll just wait until he mentions it. The fact that he went there is a good sign. I wish I
was brave enough to ask somebody how to convince him that it's something I want. I'll just have to play it by ear.
I can not believe that just typing all that make me blush, and nobody but me is ever going to see it so I have no idea why I'm blushing. I
hate that so much. It was so much worse when I was younger. I remember all the times when Pete and I would talk about girls. I would stop
him before he got to what he calls the 'good stuff.' Eventually he finally stopped telling me anything at all. I really don't need to hear
details about anybody else's sex life. I always thought of it as something private. I've tried to express myself here and I've sometimes
tried to put into words what it feels like for me to be with Lex. I usually feel so self-conscious about those posts.
My mom is so cool, though. Mom and Dad are going to take tomorrow off. I offered, and I just know I'll regret this tomorrow, when I'm in the
middle of pitching hay. The huge bonus is that Mom actually said I could stay over at the mansion tomorrow night.
I couldn't believe it. Even my dad agreed. Tomorrow night I'm going over to have dinner with Lex, and I am going to sleep in his bed and
sleep in his bed. We can have sex and I don't have to leave after. I can fall asleep beside him.
Of course I have to ask him first, but I'm sure Lex will say yes. Yesterday when I stopped by to see if he had time for a swim, we talked
about what else we want to do for the summer, and I told him I wish I could come over and swim every single day. He told me I was welcome to
stop by any time, even when he's not there. He always makes me feel so welcome. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could just spend it
lounging around at the mansion with him.
I stopped by the Troy room on my way out. I really love that room. Every time I walk past it now, I think about the first time I was in
there with Lex. Most of it was cool. I remember thinking that Lex was the most fascinating person I had ever met. He stood so close to me
and he offered to help me get Lana. The necklace sucked, but I still have the box he gave me. It's here in the loft with me right now.
I'm hanging out in the loft. It's a nice night and the stars are out. I might go for a run in a few minutes. Night time is so nice. I can
hide.
~
05:00 pm
Lex, here I come.
Room cleaned - check
Chores done - check
Backpack (with tiny swim wear) packed - check
Mom and Dad off to the city for the weekend - check
Plan to seduce Lex and make him totally mine - check
I don't really have a plan, I'm just so excited to go over there. I think things between us have gotten more intense and I really feel like
we're moving to a whole new level in our relationship.
He might actually finally go there. But I'm not pushing. I'm going to be very patient.
And I don't really have tiny swim wear. I only have my red trunks, but if we're all alone maybe we can skinny dip. Because you know what,
Lex is so hot when he's naked. He has these cute little freckles all over his... I didn't pack pjs. I think I can sleep naked with him.
Maybe. Or I could wear my underwear. He might not like it if I sleep naked.
Anyway, before I go over, I need ice cream.
~
04:19 pm
What a weekend
I came home last night and passed out in the loft. It was such a nice weekend. I've spent nights with
Lex before, but not at his place. It
was nice not to have to go home afterwards. I had such a great time. In fact, I had a great time: three times.
Friday night was a little bit of a shock since just as Lex and I were finishing up our first good time (I made a lot of noise and we were in
such a hurry we forgot to close the bedroom door. Sound really travels in that place.) Mr. K called up to let us know that Bruce and Dick had just
arrived. This was a surprise since Lex wasn't expecting guests. I was really glad to see Dick. They're staying for the week I think.
After Lex settled them into a room Lex and I went back to his room to continue our night together. Mostly we just undressed and sank into
the bed together. We were both exhausted from our activities.
The morning was really nice. I woke up to kisses, and then I jumped Lex as soon as I was awake enough. I have never felt so lazy in the
morning. Usually I have my parents yelling at me to get my ass in gear, but yesterday morning we lounged for almost the whole morning.
I initiated things after that, twice. I think I really wore Lex out. He insisted that he wasn't sore.
After the first time in the morning we lay in his bed, and I spent almost an hour touching him. I have never really touched other people, or
for that matter, been touched by somebody else. Lex is the first person who has ever let me this close to him. Yesterday I just felt extra
strange about it. I wanted to touch every inch of his skin. I'm sure that I did, and not once did he ask me to stop. It's so weird to have
that. I'm not saying that other people have told me not to touch them. I've just never been in the position where another person wanted me
to touch them.
I hope that doesn't sound weird or creepy.
At least Lex really liked it. He didn't stop me when I flipped him over and tasted his skin. I really like the taste of his skin, especially
in the morning. It really turned me on, and I couldn't help myself. We ended up having sex again for the third time.
We spent Saturday later morning and early afternoon at the farmer's market then most of the afternoon poolside. I want to live by that pool.
It's so nice. I love being wet and I love when Lex watches me.
I'm waiting now for Mom and Dad's decision on whether I can go to the city for the evening with
Lex and his house guests.
~
09:10 pm
Wondering
I haven't really thought about it much in a while. Every once in a while I have a nightmare about it, but mostly I just pretend it never
happened. Today I came face to face with it again, and it was like it just happened yesterday.
Mom found out about last fall. Lana's aunt told her that I was the scarecrow. I have no idea how she could have found out. When Mom said it
I wanted to run away. I never wanted my parents to know about what happened. It's long over and there isn't anything they can do about it
now.
I'm kind of glad that she knows, and that she made me tell Dad. We told Dad together after dinner tonight. I even told them that Lex saved
me that night. I look back on that memory and realize that a part of me fell for Lex after that incident. It was like it was fated that he
find me.
Dad got really mad, but when I pointed out to him that it's long over, he calmed down a little. Still, Mom and I argued with him for over an
hour. He can be very stubborn. I want to just forget it ever happened.
After that, I came up to my room to think. I didn't tell my parents who did it. I think they can guess. I'm just hoping they don't try to
bring it up again. It was so humiliating, and I already feel like it haunts me enough.
I came home late last night so I crashed as soon as I hit the bed. It was kind of strange to be out in public with Lex. It wasn't like we
could hold hands or anything or that it even looked like a date to an outsider. At least I don't think it looked like a date. Guys eat
dinner together all the time. I've seen it. but maybe they were gay, too.
Bruce and Dick were with us. It was a public restaurant. The food was really good. I ordered spaghetti and meatballs. It was really nice and
relaxing. The helicopter ride sucked. I really hate heights a lot. I really don't like helicopters.
I saw Lex today when I dropped off the produce. He looked really busy, as usual. I only had a few minutes for a kiss and a grope. He has
such a nice butt. I want that butt again, very soon. I keep thinking about biting it. I could leave big teeth marks in the flesh. Then he'd
be marked. Or I could write "This butt belongs to Clark Kent" on it.
I wonder if other guys think this way. I wonder if where I come from other guys think this way. Are we even called guys? Maybe where I'm
from the language is totally different. It probably is. I wonder what my home world is called. I wonder a lot of things.
~
11:22 pm
Cookies and Milk and Mom
Mom gave me the day off so I called my friend Pete. I picked Dick up at the mansion and we went over to
Pete's place. We spent most of the day dirt
biking. Pete flipped his bike. Luckily he was fine, but he made a total fool out of himself, which was funny after the fact. Even he had to
laugh.
After we picked my friend up off the ground, Dick and I went back to the mansion. I really expected
Lex to be back from where ever it was that
him and Bruce went, but they weren't. I cleaned up as much as I could and went home.
I showered for dinner since I was still dirty and after that I went up to my loft to do some stuff. Mom brought me some amazing cookies. She
just left after we had a long talk. I wasn't even aware that I was acting all tense. She was worried about me, and the first thing she asked
was whether Lex and I had fought. I really love my mom, but sometimes she is scary-perceptive.
We talked about the fact that I have to trust Lex when he's with other people. The thing is, I do trust him. I know how he feels about me. I
was afraid to tell my Mom that he'd told me verbally how he felt about me. She didn't freak, but I think she was a little shocked. I'm glad
I told her. Now she knows what he means to me.
It was wonderful to talk to her. I can talk to my mom a lot easier than I can talk to dad. I love them both, but my mom tends to listen to
the whole sentence before reacting.
Dad's a great guy; he just doesn't get some things about me. I know he tries really hard to understand me.
So Mom and I talked over cookies and milk, and I feel so much better. I didn't realize what I was doing. I don't want to hurt
Lex, and I
want him to think that I'm mature enough to handle these sorts of things, like his ex visiting. Maybe I was jealous, and I just didn't
realize it. I'm glad Mom figured it out. I don't think I would have done anything about it, but I'm still glad she knew what to say. I think
maybe she was speaking from experience. At least it seemed that way.
I'm really tired now so I think I'm headed for bed.
~
11:17 pm
I really screwed up tonight.
I have no idea where my mind went. I have no idea why I snapped those handcuffs right in front of Lex. Did I want him to confront me? NO,
because I fucking panicked and almost stopped breathing. Did I want to be found out? NO. I was terrified. I have never been so afraid. I
wasn't even that afraid when I was up on that cross.
Everything was so perfect. He didn't freak when I held up the handcuffs. He let me cuff him to the bed. He begged me to suck him off and
after he came, I lifted his legs to wrap them around my waist. He trusted me! He continued to trust me as I fucked him so hard I thought for
sure we'd break the bed. Nothing in his eyes said stop or don't do this. His eyes were closed most of the time, but I could tell he loved
what I did to him.
It was so awesome. We were awesome. Then I ruined it with one second of carelessness. I could have just gotten the keys out, but I just saw
his wrists and they were red and I had to get those cuffs off. I don't think I like using cuffs.
So I experimented and I guess it mostly went great. I just feel like it could have been even better. Not that Lex called me on it. He
ignored it. I said they must have been weak already. He accepted that and told me he had other handcuffs. I thought I was going to throw up.
I can't even describe how afraid I was.
I didn't run. I cleaned up and climbed back into the bed with him. I wanted him to hold me forever. I wanted to go back in time and change
what I did; snapping those cuffs, because having him under me helpless was so much of a rush, I'm afraid that I will always want it that
way.
I can't let that one thing ruin the whole night. I don't want it to. I am so ecstatic about what happened between us. I felt so alive. I was
in control and it was amazing. Ever time Lex give himself over to me like that I feel like he's telling me that he trusts me completely,
even if he doesn't know about my strength. Nobody has ever given me that kind of trust.
His body was under me; trapped, sweaty and panting. His arms cuffed to the bedposts. I can't get that vision out of my head. It was as
though for that one second, nothing else mattered. I felt his heart pounding in his chest. His arms strained. I never realized how muscular
he is. He's stronger than he looks, but not anywhere near as strong as me. I stroked his cock in my hand, and he came with me inside him,
and I couldn't hold back anymore.
I think I need to go jerk off now.
~
11:47 pm
I've been so busy the last few days.
I spent all day doing chores, and then Dad practically ordered me to cut my hair. He said if it falls in my eyes when
I'm working, I could have an accident. He was being totally ridiculous and he knew it. He just hates my hair long. It's not even that long
especially after Mom cut it. blah. It's still a nice length. I promise. She was so cool about letting me keep it long for the rest of the
summer.
Mom totally ambushed me today. I hate when she does that. She claimed she needed me to help her run errands, but it turned out to be
shopping for clothes for me. I hate that so much. I usually just tell her to get whatever. I don't really care what I wear. I don't want my
parents to spend a lot on me.
The best part of the day was Dad's surprise. He took us to dinner. After dinner we went to the Talon to get some dessert. I had no idea
Lana
was in the city. She told me she was going but I didn't think it was now. I can't believe how fast the summer is going. I feel like I'll
blink and it will be September.
I'll just call Lana on her cell phone. I guess she must be happy that she's near
Chloe. Maybe I'll call them to see if we can do something. It's Chloe's birthday on Sunday and I got her something that I hope she will like. I found it today. I'm going to call her and see when I can give
it to her.
Tonight I am stargazing. Lex is busy but we're seeing each other again soon. We've both been so busy lately. The stars are calling and so is
more pie.
~
11:30 pm
What dreams do I dream?
That dream haunts me to the point of exhaustion. I can't tell anybody about it and I just wish it would go away. Some of the days I feel
that I can live my life this way; never tell anybody about what I really am. Then there are days where I feel that I can't face another
person, not even my parents. Though they know who I am they don't know me. I hide even from them. I am a fake, a phony. I eat, sleep and
breathe a counterfeit existence.
Most days I know I am not a horrible person. Why does it make me a horrible person for keeping something like where I come from to myself?
If I could just explain why my origin is not theirs, or if I could tell them, my parents included, that I am not a thing to be used, maybe I
could get some peace.
This time in the dream Lex tells me I am not what he thought and that he's throwing me back. I wake up on the river bank, and Lex is
standing over me. He bends down and tells me to let him drown. He says he would rather die than love me.
I woke up with a start. For just a second I didn't know where I was. I thought it was real; the dream.
I didn't do much today. Lex wasn't home. I went by the mansion around seven but he wasn't there. The black Ferrari was gone, and it looks
like he was drinking before he left or maybe not. I just found a glass of alcohol on his desk. I tried to call him, but I guess he was busy
with something else. He probably had some very important meeting.
I'm going to read and maybe see if I can figure out this dream thing. If I can't, then I might go to mom about it.
11:29 pm
Life...
...totally sucks. I have the worse timing in the history of timing.
~
04:44 pm:
Okay, it's not as dire as all that.
All I did was say the safe word. I was scared. I panicked.
It was way scarier than I thought. You know when you say you want something, but when you're actually there it's a whole other story. I was
there. I had begged him to do to me what I have done to him so many times. It feels so good when I do it. I want him badly. I want him to
take me badly, but I was so afraid and I froze and couldn't go through with it. He was amazing. It was perfect. Everything was perfect,
except me. I fell apart. I was the one who screwed up.
I'm not ready. I thought I was. I really did. I dreamed about him in me, taking every inch of me. He was so wonderful. I said 'cherry pie'
and he stopped everything.
I feel so dumb now in the light of day. Last night I was so scared. Maybe that is too harsh a word. All I can remember was thinking that I
couldn't do it. I tensed up and couldn't relax even though he was so amazing and gentle.
He was amazing. Never once did he get mad at me or frustrated. He just held me in his arms, and said words that made me feel good. So I
think everything is going to be fine. I hope.
I keep thinking about the moment when I was under him. In that moment, when he was about to enter me, I was too afraid to go through with
it. I thought for sure that when I got there I would want it. But I didn't. I don't. I'm not ready for this at all. It's so stupid. I should
be. I've done things with him already. How is this so different?
I need time to think about this.
~
10:52 pm
So
I had something else to do today, so I couldn't make the deliveries. I hope you're doing okay. I wanted to see you, but something came up
with Dad so Mom made the deliveries.
I hope you're okay. I notice that you posted a few times since I last saw you.
I hope you're not working too hard. I'll talk to you tomorrow or maybe see you.
~
11:08 pm
Relationships made of stone
I talked to Mom today about the nightmares. She didn't really have much to say except that she felt bad that I have to lie to Lex. It was
nice to have her there to hold me. I miss the days when I would just curl up next to her. I'm way too big for that now. I tower over her.
Still, it was nice to have her hand on my head and her arms around me.
She said we'd figure something out, but I'm not really sure what she means. She also said she understands that a relationship based on lies
will eventually fall apart. Are we doomed? Am I condemning my relationship with Lex by not telling him?
It should be easy. He loves me, I love him, but it isn't that easy.
I didn't tell Mom about what happened between Lex and me. I couldn't imagine trying to say Lex almost penetrated me during sex. I did ask if
she'd do my deliveries for me. She's so cool. I did all the picking, since I can do it in five seconds, and loaded the truck. When she got
back I wanted to ask if she'd talked to Lex. Somehow she knew and the first thing she said was that she didn't run into him. I was kind of
hoping that maybe she would. Maybe she could talk to him; tell him that I'm not feeling well or something. Or say something Mom-like to make
him feel fine.
I kid myself when I say things are going to be okay. I know they won't. He's never going to want to fuck me now. I was really surprised he
didn't kick me out after. I even asked if he wanted me to leave. He should have told me to leave, because after it was over, I had no idea
what to do or say. We just lay there, barely talking.
Now it's pouring rain outside. That totally suits my mood.
~
08:47 am
Actions speak louder than words, or maybe in this case the words really
do the talking.
You should think about the consequences of your actions.
I guess he's really mad at me. I know this was meant as a jab. I don't always think things through, but sometimes I have to act fast. I
can't help if my body moves before my brain even knows what happened.
On top of that, I had the nightmare again last night. I am really starting to wish that my alien ness came with no dreams. Why can't that be
one of my abilities? Stupid dreams: Stupid alien mind. It was the same dream as always. Lex finds out and tells me he hates me and I beg him
not to leave me.
Mom gave me this sympathetic look at breakfast this morning. I must have looked really pathetic. I hardly slept at all. She made pancakes.
Luckily Dad didn't notice. He never notices unless Mom points it out. All he told me was he needs me to move this huge boulder in the back
field. I just grunted and came back up to my room. Then he came up to talk to me about what's wrong. I told him I feel sick, which doesn't
work for somebody who never gets sick unless there are ugly green rocks around.
He left me alone and said that he expected me to do the work in the afternoon. I forgot to tell Dad that I'm going to be helping Feegan with
his house renovations. I think I'll go by there today and start to work on that. I could use some money anyway. Since Dad only gives me a
pathetic allowance and Feegan plans on paying me for my time, I know where I want to be.
I'm going to tell Mom in a few minutes. Or better yet, I'll just tell her now and head over.
It's going to be a bad day. I can tell already. Maybe I should just go over to talk to Lex and get it over with. I wish he would scream at
me, and tell me off, or something. If he's really mad at me for backing out (poor word choice) then I wish he'd tell me instead of
pretending things are fine.
~
08:08 am
A very productive day
Yesterday was an amazing day. I wasn't really sure, when I went to bed last night, what to think, but this morning I feel so hopeful about
everything.
I spent most of the day over at Mr. K's, helping him with the renovations on the house. We got a lot of work done. I felt really pleased
with how much was accomplished. I do so much work around the farm, but this was different. It also gives me a chance to get away from farm
work.
I'm going over again today to do more work.
Lex and I went for a ride. He seemed really angry at me at first, but we actually talked things out. I needed to realize that I am in a
serious relationship with somebody else and I have to respect that. I think he thought I was going to break it off. I can't believe he would
think that he thought he screwed up.
It doesn't matter now. We're moving on and things are better. I told him I wasn't ready to take that step. I did a lot of thinking on it and
I really am not ready to go there yet. He thinks that maybe I might never be ready. I don't know. I can't tell. I want to do it. I want to
feel that way with him, but I need to be emotionally mature. I need to think about the consequences of my actions more. I know that
sometimes I act before thinking. In this case I acted and Lex is glad I acted and didn't just do it because he wanted it. I almost did. I
really wanted to so badly.
I am so mixed up about all this. He was right. I told him that I want to do that with him, but that I need to be ready for it. I also told
him that I was afraid I would disappoint him and not live up to his vision of me. He laughed and said that could never happen, but he
doesn't get it, one of my biggest fears is that nobody will love me. That was really hard to write. Or that they will find out something
about me that will make them realize I am not what they thought.
I think Lex just sees me as this perfect being, and sometimes that can be really daunting. I felt like he thought that I would not love him
just because he wanted this from me. I hope he understood. I mean, I am sure that he gets that I love him the way he is. I asked why he
wanted it now but then I realized that it wasn't important. What is important is that he wants me no matter what.
It's so much more than that. I know it is, but I can't even go to those other places. It hurts too much.
After we talked, we kissed. It was the most amazing kiss ever. His lips felt like - absolution.
~
07:57 pm
This has been the best day ever
I am so on top of the world today. Everything went right for me. I woke up
early and Mom and Dad were already at breakfast. They were so happy and cute together, I didn't even complain about the PDA right in front
of the young, impressionable kid.
I immediately took off to go work on Mr. K's house some more. He wasn't there again, and I found out why when I took a break to go to the
mansion. Lex and Mr. K were busy working in the mansion office. Mr. K was in no shape for hard labor. He was bruised and beaten badly.
Apparently he'd had some run-in at a bar with a bunch of guys. I felt so bad, but he said that he's recovering fine.
I have to admit, at first when I saw Mr. K all beaten up, I thought that maybe he and
Lex had gotten into a fight, but Lex didn't have a
scratch on him (believe me, I checked thoroughly). I'm pretty sure that there was no scuffle between them.
I talked Lex into going for a short drive with me in the truck. He didn't even complain about the messiness. If you saw the way he dresses
and the way he carries himself, you'd find it hard to believe that he didn't demand we take one of his cars. Not that he's a snob, just a
car snob. I, on the other hand, can't wait until I can afford my own vehicle. Whatever it is it will be large with big wheels, and a huge
cab with tons of leg room. I have really long legs and getting into those tiny European things can be a bit daunting. I wish I could have
said yes to that truck he once offered me.
The drive was so nice. I felt so relaxed and we talked about everyday things. Not once did he look bored. He told me about some business
stuff he was working on which I have no clue about, but it was nice that he shared it with me. He has to go away again on business for a few
days. We were interrupted by a phone call just as we were about to get hot and heavy with the kissage. It was his Dad, Mr. Big. That was not
embarrassing at all.
His Dad is out of the hospital, which is nice. He invited Lex to have dinner in the city with him. I asked
Lex if we could do something on
Saturday. I don't really know what we're doing, but I'm sure whatever it is I'll have a lot of fun.
After we kissed goodbye I went back to Mr. K's house to finish off some of the work I'd started. It is a really nice house. I can't believe
he's going to live there alone. The wrap-around porch is amazing. I made sure to fix every board that creaked so now it's 100 percent solid.
I got home just in time for dinner. Dad was amazed at how much time I've put into this house renovation project. It's only been a few days
and already he thinks I'm shirking my home duties. Of course, right after we had dinner, Dad listed everything that didn't get done, since I
was elsewhere, but I was too happy, so I ordered my parents to enjoy some time together while I did the evening chores.
Now I'm going to do some reading.
~
09:52 pm
That totally sucked
I just came back from a party by the lake. My friend PR, who had a date,
(thank you PR for making me the third wheel - or something like that), for some reason wanted me to come along. I found out fast why. He
practically set me up on a blind date. It wasn't technically a blind date, but his date brought a friend etc. The girl took one look at me
and practically yelled right there on the spot at her friend. I could tell she wasn't pleased. I don't blame her, I wasn't either.
She used to date one of the guys who played that prank on me back in the fall. Like I said, PR didn't say it was an actual date. I left as
soon as he took off with his date. For me the party was over before it started. Of course the first thing PR said to me was that I should
stop mooning over Lana. If only he knew. I just kept my mouth shut. It's better to let him keep thinking that I am waiting for
Lana.
Speaking of Lana, Chloe called me last night. It was so nice to hear her voice. She called to thank me for the birthday message I left on her
phone last Sunday. She sounds so happy. I'm really glad. We talked for a little bit about how much we miss each other and how glad we'll be
when school starts up again. That came out sounding wrong, but it's really mostly that I miss my friends.
Lana is still in the city as well.
They had a great time together over the weekend. I'm sure they're having a great time together all the time.
I also spent most of today at Mr. K's house. That place is so nice. After I did some work I relaxed in the living room. I started to imagine
what it would be like to have my own place. I sort of already do have my own space. It's not totally private since it's in the barn and
anybody can just walk in any time they want, but it's still mine. Dad calls it my fortress of solitude. Maybe I already talked about this.
I'm going to spend the rest of the night stargazing and wondering what Lex is up to. I know he went to the city tonight to have dinner with
his Dad. I hope it went well. At least I get to see him tomorrow night. We have a date. I should call him or something. It's probably too
late.
Now I'm going to scam ice cream and pie from my Mom.
~
11:58 pm
Forever might be longer than I think
When Lex and I had the conversation about forever, how could I tell Lex that forever might mean literally forever for me? In that vision
that Cassandra had of me surrounded by gravestones of all the people in my life there was no stone for Lex. I'm still not sure why, or what
that means, but every once in a tiny while I think about that graveyard. It's burned into my mind. What if I do outlive everybody? We have
no idea what my people are like. We don't know anything about me at all except that I look just like everybody else. So far I have aged at
the same rate as all the other kids around me, but what if that changes?
Lex asked me what was going through my mind while we talked, and that was only one of the things I was thinking about at the time. I always
figured everybody thought about a million things at once, I do. I always have. Maybe humans aren't built that way.
I know I said something wrong when we talked. Whenever we talk seriously, and I say something wrong Lex gets this look in his eyes. I don't
think he realizes he does it. I used to think that he was unreadable, but slowly I am beginning to recognize the nuances.
When I hurt Lex the subtle change in his eyes was easy to miss. Now that I know what to look for, I see it every single time. I'm ashamed to
admit that last night I looked away.
He said he doesn't want to put pressure on me about the 'forever' thing, and I just said okay. I'm still trying to figure out why that would
hurt him.
~
12:18 am
I had a really nice night with Lex.
I can't stop thinking about the look on Lex's face. I dressed up really nice tonight for our date. I spent all day doing everything Dad
asked just so when I did say that I was going over to the mansion he'd be fine with it. He didn't even look up from working on the
motorcycle engine. He just grunted and told me to be home by midnight or something close to it.
I got to Lex's at around seven and he already had a nice dinner set up for us. We mostly talked about neutral subjects since I didn't want
to bring up his Dad unless he did. I wasn't surprised that he never once brought it up. He seemed fine and very relaxed.
After dinner we went up to his entertainment room and watched a movie then the most important thing of the evening happen; we talked about
that comment he made in his LJ.
I will set it up for you here. I made a comment on a post he made in his LJ. I said 'You can spoil me forever.' To which he relied -
Forever it is. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest when I saw that.
We talked about this tonight. He said that he really means it and that he feels that I am the one. He said we have a destiny together. He's
said this before a few times, but I really didn't take him seriously. I do think that our lives are forever linked. I just never figured it
would be this way. I told him that I was surprised he'd said it in such an open place as his live journal. He thought I was asking him to
stop talking about me, but that wasn't it at all, I don't want him to stop, I want him to keep going. I want him to shout it from the
rooftop. I know that this isn't going to happen because of who I am, and because of whom he is, but I wanted him to know that if there were
no constraints put on us by society, I would gladly be his in the public eye. The conversation got a little heavy so I lightened things up
and changed the subject.
Then we had a little bit of fun; the kind of fun that involved nudity and wetness. It went much farther than I thought he'd let me go. I
sucked him off, and then he let me top him. After everything that happened between us he still let me fuck him. I was surprised and the
whole time I was on top of him, our bodies locked, I couldn't look him in the eyes. I pressed my face against his sweat-damp skin and
wrapped my arms around him. It was different from the other times we'd had sex. This time it was slow, and I was careful not to bruise him.
He didn't say anything nor did he urge me to thrust harder. I don't know why but I wanted the pace to be slow this time. I didn't want to
hurt him and I didn't want him to be hurt. I wanted to love him. The only thing he told me was to never stop. I wanted to never stop. I
lasted a lot longer than I ever have with him. It was intense.
~
09:53 pm
Another busy day for me
I spent most of the day helping Mr. K move his things into his new house.
Most of the interior work on it is done. There are just a few more things to do. I think when I get older and can afford my own house (that
is if I am not totally poor) I want to buy a fixer-upper. It was so nice, working on the place. I loved it.
It was nice to have somebody I could talk to about Lex. Mr. K is a great listener. He never once gave me the impression that he was bored or
wanted me to stop. I didn't want to stop. I don't really have anybody else I can talk to about it so openly. I can talk to Mom or SC or even
Lana, but I would never tell them about the forever thing.
After I finished helping him, and he paid me, I went for a long walk. I almost got lost in a field, which was kind of cool since I could
pretend that I was the only person for miles. I actually fell asleep for a few hours. When I got home Dad freaked out, saying he'd called
and Mr. K told him I'd left hours ago. It really made me angry when he told me he'd needed me for some fence repair that he couldn't get to.
I should probably go do it now. I kind of stormed off. It's like I can't have some time to myself just to be alone with my thoughts.
Sometimes I want to just run and keep going.
Mom cooked my favorite dinner so that made me feel much better. Now I am going to read and crash on the sofa.
Lex left early this morning to
go on his business trip and he said he'd be out of touch until Wednesday night. I'll miss him but I plan on keeping myself busy so that the
days will go by fast.
I'm going to ask my parent if I can go visit Chloe in the city next weekend. I have all week to work on them.
~
09:33 pm
Work all day and sleep all night
I had yet another super-exciting day here on the farm. My life could not get
more exciting. Several times I've now mentioned to Mom that Chloe called from the city. I tried to hint that maybe I could go visit her, but
that didn't work. I must not have hinted hard enough. Either that or Mom wants me to say it outright. I will say it outright tomorrow.
Something very exciting did happen, one of the cows got loose. I guess it's not that exciting, but it's something to talk about. The cow is
fine. I ended up in the mud, trying to catch her, but I only suffered the humiliation of being outsmarted by a bovine.
I went over to my best friend's house for dinner. His family was having a big barbecue. He's going out of town for a week starting this
Wednesday to go camping with his Dad and two of his brothers. We talked a little about girls and I asked him never to fix me up like that
again. He said he was very sorry and that from now on he'd let me run my own love life. I think I am doing a pretty good job. I screw up
sometimes, but don't we all. I told him that I am very in love with somebody already. He assumed I meant
Lana, which is fine by me. I didn't
say a word when he brought up her name. After that, things were great and we shot some hoops. It was nice to be relaxed with him again. That
whole blind-non-date thing really made me uneasy.
I sort of felt like I was betraying Lex, or that I would have betrayed Lex if I had pretended to like that girl. Maybe that sounds stupid. I
just can't do it. I made a mental promise to myself never to pretend to like somebody else. I don't like hurting other people.
~
11:23 pm
Lex is back!
I was so excited all day because I knew that Lex was home. I knew that at
the end of my shift I would get to see him. I worked all day then did the deliveries. I asked Mom if it was possible that I could go to the
city on the week end. I forgot to mention that to Lex. We were kind of busy.
As soon as I saw him I wanted to run to him and hug him hard. We never even left his office. We ended up doing things right there. He locked
the door so it was fine.
I am really amazed at how much I missed him. Don't get me wrong, I miss him even over the course of a day, but this time I really missed him
a lot. I thought about him every single night. I daydreamed about him. I fantasized about him all the time.
We had some alone time, but then I had to leave almost right after.
After dinner I asked Mom about going to the city. At first I told her that I could stay with
Chloe, but then she wanted to talk to the person
Chloe was staying with. So I had to tell her that I would actually be staying with
Lex. I know he has a place in the city.
So how about we go to the city this week end, Lex? I totally forgot to ask you today. I must have had other things on my mind. Wouldn't it
be so cool? I want to surprise Chloe and Lana.
Mom gave me the day off tomorrow so we can go tomorrow if you say yes. She also wants to talk to you about it.
~
11:16 am
My fantasies are not that elaborate.
I wish we'd had more time yesterday. I missed Lex so much and when I finally did see him, all I wanted to do was hold him and touch him. It
felt so good to be close to him. I think I might be obsessed with him. He's all I can think about most of the time.
After I finished posting last night, I went inside, showered and collapsed in my bed. I didn't even realize how tired I was. I usually just
do everything Dad asks of me, but I'm so glad Mom gave me the day off. I slept later than I have in ages. It feels so good. I feel much
better. I know what I am going to do for most of the morning. The sun is out so I think I'm going to bathe in it. I haven't done that in the
sense of just laying in the sun in a long time. Because most of the work I do is outside. I do get a lot of sun, but I love the sun. I
probably shouldn't love it as much as I do, but I do.
I really like it when Lex talks dirty. I will never admit that outside of my head, but it's so sexy. Yesterday when he whispered in my ear
about what I wanted and jerked me off at the same time, I felt like my heart would explode. Usually when I jerk off I think about his mouth.
That's all it takes. I hardly ever get past that. I tried to think about what I'd like us to do. I was way too tired to do that last night,
and tonight if all goes well, we should be in Metropolis, staying at his penthouse.
We stayed in his office this time. I felt strange and a little exposed. I didn't get totally undressed. When he told me he wants to have sex
on his desk I didn't really know what to say. My fantasies aren't that elaborate or that voyeuristic. I just want to do stuff like hold him
or maybe do it by candle-light. It's totally embarrassing that they are so mundane, but it's what I want. I don't need fancy stuff nor do I
want to do it someplace I'll get caught.
I guess I'm just a simple alien. Off to bathe naked in the sun.
~
09:12 am
Country boy in the city
The drive into the city was so cool. Lex let me drive. I love that red car.
It's such a nice drive. I've never been so at ease as I am when I'm with him. He lets me be myself.
This place he has in the city is really nice. We stayed in last night and just ordered in pizza. It was nice to just talk about things. He
told me about the things he used to do to rebel. I think being his friend is probably the most rebellious I've even been. Okay maybe being
his lover is really rebellious, too.
We did a lot of making out as well. Maybe for us that goes without saying now. I feel so comfortable with him. My heart pounded in my chest
as we did it last night. I felt safe with him. I felt loved with him. I felt alive with him.
Today we're going to go see Chloe and Lana. I haven't seen Chloe since the incident with that wacky lemonade. I'm looking forward to it.
For now I get to watch how Lex acts in the morning. I've been with him before in the morning, but this is different. He seems way more
comfortable here, more relaxed. He's interesting to watch. I have to go get ready. He'd taking me shopping for some new clothes for me and
then we're walking around the city. I think. I can't wait. So far it's interesting. I'm not much of a city person, but it is interesting to
visit.
The only thing that sucks is that I can't see as many stars.
~
04:47 am
Another busy day and night.
We did so much and I am actually tired. First we went to brunch with Chloe and
Lana. The only thing that I found annoying was Chloe's cousin who I
will call pain-in-the-&%$@. She is so nosy! At least she hardly paid any attention to me. She mostly just harassed
Lex. I really do not like
her at all. Lex was so not cool with how she grilled him. Reporters are so annoying. I guess that comes with being who he is.
I didn't really have anything interesting to talk about. Lana has been taking courses, which sound great. She talked mostly about that, though
I sensed a weird vibe between her and Chloe. I think they had a fight or something. I'm going to call
Chloe some time this week.
After brunch Lex and I went off to do some shopping. I usually hate to shop for clothes. This wasn't too bad. It as a specialty men's
clothing store, and not too expensive. At first I complained because I didn't want him to spend too much money on me. He let me choose what
I wanted. I ended up picking out a cheap pair of black Levi jeans, and a nice black short sleeve dress shirt. Almost everything in the store
was either black or some solid color. I think he chose that kind of store on purpose. To be honest, I think it is the fashion right now. I
guess I'm a little out of touch.
I really like the jeans a lot. They're so comfortable.
I just care that I'm covered up, not what I'm wearing. Although, lately, I think I care more than I used to.
We had dinner in a nice, quiet restaurant first, and then later on in the evening,
Lex took me to a club. It was my first time in a place
like that, and I have to say, people hardly wear any clothes when they go out. It was a hot night, but I saw one girl who had on this tiny
halter thing. You could see everything. What's the point in that?
It was an interesting experience, but I don't think I'd want to go again. Lex looked really comfortable and he met up with some old friends.
He introduced me to everybody, but the music was so loud I couldn't even hear what their names were. They seemed nice.
I didn't want to ruin his night, but I guess Lex could tell that I wasn't really enjoying myself that much. I guess looking at my watch
every five minutes kind of gave it away.
We left around eleven and walked around the city for an hour. We went home after and I needed a shower right away. I felt grimy and dirty
for some reason. I didn't think I would in the city the way I do in the country.
Lex joined me in the shower and after we took things to the bedroom. It was different than last night. Last night it was slow and there was
this connection between us that I can't explain. Tonight it was raw. I wasn't desperate, but I wanted him so badly! It might have had
something to do with the way other people were looking at him at the club. I remember thinking that they can look all they want, but they
would never be able to touch.
I just woke up. He's still asleep, but for some reason I can't get back to sleep. The sounds of the city woke me. I went out to the balcony
for a bit then came back in. I wonder if Lex would mind if I woke him up.
~
11:16 am
Home again
I think Mom really liked the gift I got for her. I saw this thing in a
window on Saturday and it made me think of my Mom, so I picked it up for her.
I got home around nine last night. It was a really relaxing day. I feel so refreshed now, and I'm actually looking forward to doing some
work this week. I feel renewed.
Lex took me to the botanical gardens. It was so nice to see all those flowers in the heart of downtown. After that, we walked around the
city. We ended up in Chinatown. I really liked all the interesting shops. That was where I got the gift for my Mom. I saw it in this a
small, out-of-the-way store at the end of the street.
The city is so different from our small town. There are so many people and they always seem to be awake.
I liked it but at the same time I don't think I'd want to ever live there. I would love to go to other cities to see what they are like. I
want to travel one day, but I think I'll always want to come back here where I grew up. Or maybe I won't. I feel this way now, but there is
a small part of me that really wanted to stay in the city and explore some more. I bet there's a ton of things in the city to explore. We
only had a chance to see a small part of it.
I just finished up morning chores. There is a lot to do but I don't mind. I'm in way too great a mood to complain. I can tell that made Mad
very happy. He was almost shocked when I told him to relax while I did all the chores on my own. I get to take a few hours for myself and
then I have to prepare the deliveries for this afternoon.
~
11:44 am
How ever far away...
I spent this morning with Mad. We had to fix a fence in the far field because since something broke through it. I felt meteor sick for a
second then it went away. It was weird.
Dad and I had a very intense conversation. He actually asked me about my weekend in the city. I was a little surprised when he wanted to
know details about what I did while I was there. My first thought was that Mom had put him up to it. I remember when I first started going
to school. Dad used to ask how my day was almost every day. At first I was totally thrilled but then I quickly realized he just wanted to
make sure I hadn't done something to reveal my gifts. It was disheartening.
This time I held myself in check. I knew why he was asking. He wanted to make sure I hadn't told Lex about myself. I immediately reassured
him that I hadn't. He looked me in the eye and told me that it was more than that. I hate when Dad does that. I know he cares about me. I
think he doesn't get that I'm growing up, or that I'm changing.
After that we had a nice conversation. I told him all about how great Lex is to me and how he doesn't treat me like a kid. I told him that
Lex challenges me intellectually. I actually almost told him about my real relationship with Lex. I wanted to. I want my Dad to know that
Lex would never hurt me no matter what. I don't think Dad believes that Lex would hurt me. I'm pretty sure he realizes how much my
friendship means to Lex. Dad is just so paranoid. I guess he has a right to be. Who knows what would happen if the wrong person found out
that alien life is out there, and that it walks around in flannel. Phelan and Nixon proved that some people would only want to exploit me.
They won't be the last.
No matter what, I know Lex never would.
I couldn't tell Dad about Lex and me. I think I'm going to talk to Mom about how I should handle it. Maybe Mom could break him in, or
something. Or sweet-talk him so that he'll be okay with it. I hate keeping this from him. I always had Mom and Dad there for me. In a weird
way, I miss that. I know that I can't tell them everything the way I used to.
I talked to Chloe last night. I was really worried that she and Lana had broken up. The way they were acting at lunch the other day I
thought for sure it was over between them. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong but she did say that if she needed somebody to talk to she'd
call. She probably won't call. After all, she has her cousin, Lois, to talk to. I bet Lois knows. I hate when people make me feel the way
Lois made me feel. She almost completely ignored me. I guess that was a good thing. I don't know. I thought for sure that was over a long
time ago, but I guess I still give off that freak loser vibe. I hope she couldn't tell that I was with Lex. I made sure not to act like we
were dating. I think.
The weekend was interesting. I have to admit I was afraid that I would float or something equally telling, but luckily I didn't. I feel a
little ashamed at the fact that I freaked out that time when Lex wanted me on the bottom. I can't bring myself to ask him ever again so
maybe now it will never happen. Maybe it's for the best. I want Lex to feel good, and I don't want him to be unhappy. I think maybe
sometimes I make him unhappy. He gets this sad look in his eyes and I can tell I said or did something wrong. I never know what, but I can
tell. Maybe I'm just over thinking it. I probably am, but then again when it comes to Lex Luthor things are never easy. I don't mind, since
it forces me to think harder. Nobody has ever done that to me.
For the last few days I've been thinking about the weekend and what happened in bed. I realized that I'm really at ease with Lex now. It
still embarrasses me when I'm naked around him. I'm not sure why. It's not like he'll laugh at me. I guess I just feel exposed. The first
night we had sex it was soft and sweet. The second night it was rough and I really enjoyed it both ways. I realize that sex can be different
things. Sometimes it's just about scratching an itch and that's all right. I grew up with these notions that it was supposed to always be
soft. Most of my life I figured I'd never get there because of my strength, but Lex loves my strength. I bet he wouldn't love it so much if
I hurt him. So far all I've done is leave a few bruises that went away after a few days.
I think I'm going to ask Lex if he'd like to come over and just sit and talk. I want to be near him and listen to his voice and look into
his eyes. I miss him already, and we've only been apart for a day. Yesterday I couldn't stay long when I did deliveries. I only saw him long
enough to say 'hey'.
I have a lot of work to do today. The tractor needs to be fixed, again. At least this time I only have to lift it while Dad checks it out. I
also have hay to bale. That is so much fun!
~
12:03 pm
I had such a great night last night
Lex came over late last night. It was so nice to just sit and talk. We barely touched and I have to say, after he left, I was really turned
on. It was amazing. He has the most incredibly hypnotic voice. I loved just sitting there and listening to him talk. His stories about Wales
made the place sound so wonderful. I can't wait to go there some day. I would love to just travel around the world one day. Maybe I could do
that backpack across Europe thing some day. That would be so cool, and maybe I could ask
Lex to come with me. That would be even cooler. We
could travel around the country side and sleep under the stars.
Last night I felt so close to him. It made me feel so amazing that he would come over and just sit and talk with me. I broke the no kissing
rule (the one my Mom made ages ago) and just gave him one tiny kiss on the lips. After he left I had to go back inside and jerk off twice,
once in the shower and once before falling asleep. I couldn't get the thought of how soft his lips felt out of my mind. The feel of his
fingers brushing against mine totally turns me on.
I am so in love. It's awesome. Last night was one of the most intimate nights I have ever had. I want more nights like this.
I read his journal entry first thing this morning, and he sounds so happy.
I saw the comments some people on his friends list left. This one from jillofthehill caught me attention.
Y'know... I don't remember you waxing poetic like this unless you were on something really, really strong... so, painkillers or acid?
... and will you share? :)
I really want to brag to that Jill person that Lex is just on me. He doesn't need drugs to feel great. He only needs me. Maybe he needed
drugs when he was with her. That was totally mean. I shouldn't be mean, but every time I see her comments in his LJ, I want to tell her off.
I really don't think Lex would share me.
~
12:25 pm
I could be poetic or I could just say...
Lex is the best thing ever.
Sometimes all you need is a little touch and a tiny kiss for the most intimate moment in your life.
That's all I wanted to say.
~
06:15 pm
Two days!
Lex, when were you planning to tell me that you're going away again? You told people on your LJ, but not me.
How long are you going away for, and are you going to see that Jill person?
~
11:52 pm
Sometimes I want to just smash things.
Lex does that every, single time! I hate it. I feel dismissed and I feel like he's tired of reading what I have to say. I wasn't trying to
say that I didn't trust him. I totally trust him even though he did that thing with Victoria way back, but that's the past. I know he'd
never do that again.
Okay, maybe I don't totally trust him. What if Jill gives him something I can't give him? It could happen. I bet she has a lot more to
offer. She can flirt way better than me, and he's totally flirting back. Why does he have to flirt back? I hate that. I wouldn't ever tell
him that he can't flirt because I love when he flirts, but it really bugs me that he flirts with her.
I feel like smashing things right now. I saw that dismissal and I smashed my radio. How am I going to tell Mom and Dad that I need a new
radio because I got angry and lost control of my strength? I @$%& hate when I do that.
I think I'd better go for a run now to burn off energy. Maybe when I get back I can talk to Mom or something. I want to ask her about that
gay thing. That talk I had with Lana last night really got me thinking. I can't imagine myself going to a gay club, but I wonder what it was
like. Lana wouldn't say. She was really freaked. I can't believe Chloe actually thought Lana would like it. Even I could have told her that
wasn't Lana's thing.
I hope she's okay. I think I'll stop by the Talon tomorrow and see if she needs to talk some more.
~
01:33 pm
On bended knee.
I feel like a total jerk right now. I know you didn't mean to wait to tell me and I know you'd never do anything with that Jill person. I
never should have gotten mad at you and I am really, really, really, really, really, really, really sorry.
I can not even tell you how sorry I feel in the light of day. I woke up this morning and realized how out of line I was last night. I was
just so mad and I felt like you put me last.
I will understand if you don't want to forgive me right away or ever.
I'll be coming over later around four to do the deliveries. Mom is helping me today, but she's staying in the truck.
~
11:32 pm
He's gone again and I'm grounded again.
I did something really careless so now I'm grounded for the rest of the summer. It totally sucks, but
Lex left today on another business
trip. He won't be back until school starts.
Mom and I had a long talk. Mostly I listened and she yelled at me for being so unthinking. I broke a few things and to punish me Mom is
making me pay for them out of my own pocket. This means I have to work my ass off for the next few weeks. That suits me fine since
Lex won't
be around.
After our talk, I helped Mom with the baked goods she was making for delivery. We had to deliver some to the Talon. I got a chance to talk
to Lana. She's going away to see a friend in another state. She and Chloe have been having a hard time lately. I hope
Chloe talks to her soon. I
hate seeing Lana and Chloe so upset.
Earlier today Lana and I went horseback riding. We weren't allowed to leave my property but at least I could go with her. I had a great time,
and she talked all about her trip.
I did get to see Lex one last time on Friday night. We spent almost two hours together. Mom gave us complete privacy, which really surprised
me. I wasn't sure that she would do that, but she cut me some slack this time. Now he's gone and I miss him already.
It was so nice to see him. He looked so good and I just couldn't keep my hands off him. I wanted him to stay with me forever, but I know
that isn't possible. No matter what I want, I have to understand that Lex has this whole other life that I can't really be a part of. We
talked a lot about that, and he made me feel better that he always has to go away like this. He also reassured me that nothing will happen
with Jill. I believe him and I trust him.
I broke the no kissing rule in a big way. We didn't just kiss; we had this moment where everything was so connected. I felt like it wasn't
just a body connection. It's so hard to describe. We talked for a while before we did other stuff. I felt like I had to give us that time. I
felt like we needed to reinforce what we mean to each other.
It was awesome; he was awesome. I've never felt so much like things were perfect between us. I can't wait for him to get back home from his
trip. Things are going to be so different when he gets back. I can just tell they're going to be awesome.
He told me all about where he's going. It sounds really cool. I can't wait to hear all about it when he gets back.
~
07:31 pm
Not having somebody sucks.
He's so far away now. I want him to be here and I wish him here, but he's not here. It's so hard, too. Today I spent the afternoon with
Pete. He came by to ask if I could hang out with him, only I couldn't thanks to my temper. We still managed to have a nice time. The only
thing I found annoying was how he brought up Lana. Eventually I asked him to give it a break. I just wanted us to shoot hoops. It sucked
that I couldn't talk to him about Lex.
I don't feel like doing anything tonight, and since I can't leave the property I'm going to run to the farthest end and watch the sunset.
The sky is clear tonight so the stars will be beautiful. I can imagine that on the other side of the world, Lex is looking up into the sky
at the same time.
On Friday Lex brought the Polaroid camera so we could take pictures of each other. I scanned the one of him so I could make things with it.
He's so gorgeous.
~
09:06 pm
Happy Birthday Lex!!!!!!!
I got his e-mail today. I understand that he's so busy, but I really wish he could have called or something. It's his birthday today! He
turned 22.
I hope you're having a good time, just not too good a time.
Make sure to have some fun even though you're there to work.
The e-mail
Dear Clark,
I'm sorry I didn't write sooner. I am still recovering from jet lag, and the business meetings aren't helping me stay awake.
Japan is crowded, and makes me wish I was home again. I miss fish that's been cooked, too.
I've turned down two invitations to karaoke. Can you imagine?
I miss you.
Lex
I'm sending back a response to it asap.
I have so much work to do and I have to get to bed early tonight. I just worked today. Harvest is upon us and we farmers need to get our
butts in gear.
~
12:02 pm
I should be more patient
I checked my e-mail and called Lex this morning. Japan is nine hours ahead so maybe he's in a meeting or something. I didn't think he'd turn
off his phone. I plan on trying again. I want to call him later when it's night time over there. I'll have a better chance then probably.
I miss him so much. Last night he was all I could think about. I have jerked off so many times since Lex left. I don't know what I'm going
to do. He's not coming home until August 31. I can't wait! When he gets back I'm going to jump him.
The only thing I don't understand is why he isn't answering my post or my comment I left for him at that post he made for me. I left a nice
comment, I think. Even if he's so busy, I know he'd still get in touch with me. I guess maybe I'm overreacting. He said his work is very
important to him.
I'm important to him, too. I know I am, but I have to understand and be more patient.
Maybe he hated the icons I made. I figured he'd like them since they are pictures of me. I wanted so badly to talk to him on his birthday!
I'm going to call a bunch of times today that way I'll be sure to get through to him.
~
09:11 pm
Why won't he answer my calls?
I called Lex almost every hour yesterday and today. Not once did I get him. Every single time I called his phone went to voicemail. It
wouldn't be so bad if it was actually his voice, but it's some automated dead voice telling me to please leave a message and that Mr. Luthor
will get back to me as soon as he is available. What the hell is Lex doing that he can't stop for two minutes to call me? I am getting so
frustrated.
I must have checked e-mail a million times, but there was no new e-mail beyond that really bland one that he sent to me. He didn't even tell
me that he loves me in that e-mail.
This is probably going to turn out to be just fine. He told me before he left that he might be too busy to call, but this seems so
ridiculous. I should probably just be patient.
Mom tried to talk to me but I just told her nothing was up. I know I'm probably just blowing all this out of proportion. Sometimes I
overreact and Lex is a grown adult. I know he can take care of himself.
I still hate that he hasn't called or something. I want him to call now!
I think I'll shoot some hoops. That will get my mind off him. I hope.
~
05:44 pm
What the hell was that?
I don't know what to think. I finally got through to Lex only he didn't answer, some woman did. She had this voice that made my spine
stiffen and the way she talked was very suggestive. When I asked to speak to Lex she said he was indisposed. The way she said it sounded
like she meant in bed indisposed. Then she just hung up before I could say anything else.
I was so angry I crushed my cell phone. It's nothing but little bits of plastic and wires now.
Why was some woman answering his phone? I won't think for one second that he would ever cheat on me, but he's not answering my e-mails, and
the only time I get through to him this happens.
What should I do? I feel like somebody just punched me in the g