Author: GothGirl
Fandom: Smallville
Sequel/Series: Freak4ever's live journal
Pairing: Clark/Lex Lex/other
Rating: Adult content
Category: Angst, alternate universe, drama, established relationship,
episode related.
Notes: Spoiler for season one and two. Thanks to Lola, coffeejunkii, Katze, Alee and jfc for beta and catching mistakes. 56,000
words.
Feedback: Yes please that would be very nice.
Disclaimer: DC Comics, Warner Brothers, Tollin/Robbins and Millar/Gough Ink own Smallville and its characters. I am
just playing.
Summary: Clark Kent gets a live journal.
Related Links
Freak4ever Pretty Things Smallville Diaries Goth_Clark Tabloidboy
12:40p
So here I am. My friend suggested I get a blog. She said it helps her to unwind and get stuff off her chest.
That's just what I need since I really don't have anybody I can talk to about
things.
Anyway, more later. Maybe.
~
10:58p - Why?
Why can't my dad understand
that I just want to be normal? I asked again, just like I do every year, if I
can be on the football team. Pete's mom and dad let him join, but my dad, no way.
He says I have to be careful. He's afraid I'll hurt somebody but he never gives
me the chance to even try.
Sometimes I hate my life. I want so much to be just like everybody else. Maybe
Lana would notice me if I wasn't such a geek and a klutz
I have to do this paper for English class for next week. That's kind of boring I
know, but so is my life. Don't get me wrong, I love small town life. It's nice
and I love living on a farm but sometimes I get this feeling that my mom and dad
aren't ever going to let me out of their sight.
I'm a freak and I don't just mean slightly freakish. Last week I was in the loft
and I thought I heard my mom and dad talking downstairs. When I went to check
they weren't there. They were in the house and I could hear them. Like I said,
freak.
I'm going to ask again tomorrow morning. Maybe my dad will change his mind. I
have the permission slip ready. Maybe if he sees how much I want to join he'll
let me. Maybe.
Later.
~~~~~~~
12:54a - after the chores
So I came back from class
with a million chores to do. My dad makes me do all the heavy lifting. Don't get
me wrong, I love my parents but my dad is sort of really intense. He's always
thinking about the farm; well, duh, I live on a farm.
Anyway, I saw LL today but she didn't notice me at all. I walked right by her
and she just ignored me. I stare at her and hope that she'll turn to look. You
know maybe pay attention but she was with Whitney. He's her boyfriend. See that's why
I want to be on the football team. She's a cheerleader so I figure if I was on
the team she'd notice me and maybe...
I'm just dreaming though. Pete, my best friend, laughs and tells me I should
just give it up. Chloe my other friend (I only really have two) she doesn't say
anything. I don't think she likes Lana at all, but Chloe's kind of different. She's
cool though. She writes for the school paper and she's the first girl that I
ever kissed. Well, she kissed me up in my fortress. It was nice and she was
really soft and smelled real pretty.
I'm feeling really weird tonight. I want to run or something. I'm just too
afraid I won't be able to stop and then I'll end up in South America. How would
I find my way home? See, that's one of the freak things about me. I do these
things that nobody else can. I can't tell anybody because mom and dad always
tell me other people wouldn't understand, but I want to tell my friends. I don't
think they'd hate me. I mean, it's weird but maybe they'd be okay. Mom and dad
won't let me and part of me understands. I still hate it and feel alienated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1:42a - Another day
So, I was sitting in class
trying not to think about the fact that Chloe had just told me to stop mooning over
Lana, when the teacher called on me. I hate being called on. I'm always afraid
I'll sound stupid and everybody will laugh at me. The funny thing is, I could
answer every single question she asked even though I hadn't been paying
attention. Gosh, that sounds so boring.
Once I overheard these two girls T and J talking about who they would sleep with
from our class. One of them mentioned my name, which made my ears perk up, and
then they both laughed. T said I was probably going to die a virgin. She was
probably right. I mean I think about the same stuff other guys think about. I
think about sex and what it would be like. I can't even talk to anybody about my
fears. I'm so strong what if I break her or really hurt her bad. It scares me.
I think maybe I'll just take care of that stuff by myself, if you know what I
mean. I've done it enough times already so hey a life-time doesn't sound so bad.
Now I've made myself all depressed. I hate being me sometimes. I'm going to go
see if mom made some pie.
9:16a - I'm so mad!
My dad is so not fair. It
wasn't my fault! I didn't mean to break the posts. I try so hard to be careful.
I feel like running again, but I can't because I have to do chores. How do you
make words do that bold thing on here?
So I was doing chores and as you can tell I broke something. Dad was so mad. He
even yelled at me. Mom told him to cool off but not before he used it as an
excuse to point out what would have happened if it had been a person. I'm
shaking so hard right now. Shoot, I just punched a hole in the wall. I
hate my life!
I need an icon that shows how mad I am. Mom's calling. I have to go.
11:50p - More things
So, dad is still not talking
to me. He's being such an ass. I shouldn't say that about my dad I know, but
what am I supposed to do? I tried to fix things but I only made them worse. Mom
ran interference. So, I'm out here in the loft. I was surfing the net for a
while, but that got kind of boring. So I thought I'd just make a fast post. I
want to try to do this on a regular basis since I'll be writing essays a lot for
the next few months, especially once school gets going.
I saw Lana again today. When I walked by her in the hallway I tripped over my
feet. It was so embarrassing. I tried to run but I couldn't because I felt sick
to my stomach. She looked at me, at least. Except it was a pity look. Not really
what I was hoping for. I can't seem to get near her without tripping. I feel all
queasy whenever she's near me. She's so pretty. God I wish I could touch her
hair, and hold her in my arms. She's really tiny compared to me. I'm a big
clumsy ox, all long arms and legs and these freakish huge hands.
I've never had a girlfriend before. My best friend Pete has a new one every other
week. I don't know how he does it. He tells me that he's just having fun, but I
don't think I could do it like that. I want something serious and long lasting.
Something like I read about in my mom's women's magazine. I sneak the magazine
sometimes just to get insight into women, but I still don't understand half the
stuff in there. I don't think I was meant to understand. Pete tells me to just go
with it and stop thinking so much. I feel like such an alien.
This weird thing happened right after dinner. I washed the dishes while my dad
and mom relaxed in the living room. I overheard everything they said even with
the water running. Mom was trying to convince my dad to talk to me. She made
this comment about how I'm a good kid. He agreed but didn't get up to come see
me. I heard them again just like the other time. I still haven't told them about
my hearing going all crazy. I'm too afraid to. I'm already enough of a freak,
and this just adds to it. I don't know what to do. Wow I guess I had way more to
say than I thought. This is kind of really nice. It works better than I thought
it would. Um, well, I have to go to bed now. I have chores to do in the morning.
Bye for now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8:59a - Update
I haven't been around much in
the last few days since I've been so busy with chores.
So, dad's finally talking to me again. He's acting like nothing happened and we
didn't even talk about it. I prefer it that way since it just makes me feel
uncomfortable. Mom was all happy and made all kinds of cool stuff for breakfast.
I ate all of it, just to make her even happier. I really like making her happy.
She's such a good mom. Especially with all that she has to put up with. (Mainly
me)
I'm thinking of telling them about my hearing. I'm not sure what to do. I mean
on the one hand it's pretty cool but on the other hand it just proves how much
of a freak I am.
On the football team side of things; I'm gong to ask my dad again. Maybe he's
changed his mind. If I plead with him maybe he'll realize how much I need this.
I need to be able to do something normal.
I saw Lana again today. She seemed kind of down. I wanted to go talk to her, ask
what was wrong but I felt queasy again when I went near her. I don't understand
it. Is this what love feels like? I thought I was going to be sick all over her
shoes. *sigh* Yet another embarrassing moment for me. A few of the
football players were there. They laughed at me and when Whitney and Lana walked away,
D and M pushed me against the lockers and threatened me. I wasn't scared or
anything because when Lana was gone, I got my strength back. But again, I had to
pretend. Oh well, at least if they follow through on the threat I won't get
hurt.
Sometimes high school is just a great big pain.
On a good note, Chloe moved into the school newsroom. It was so nice watching her be all happy. She looked all glowy and stuff. I have to admit, seeing my friends happy makes me happy. She wouldn't even let me help so I just sat back and watched. I'm probably going to do something for the paper, not sure what yet. Maybe edit. I'd like that.
I also joined the chess club. I know, only geeks join that. What can I say. I guess I'm a geek.
~~~~~~
6:57p - Confused
Most of the time I feel fine.
I'm happy with things the way they are, but sometimes I want to see things
beyond the confines of the little town I live in. I had a really nice day at
school today and no, Lana did not smile at me. I just had such a great time with
my two best friends. We hung out in the school paper's office for a while just
talking about things. Nothing big, just normal everyday things, and I loved
how my two best friends Chloe and Pete made me feel normal just by being them. It's
so weird. I think I've been basking in it all day. The one thing I want more
than anything else in the world is to be normal; to be like everybody else. I
don't want people to look at me. I'm kind of big and awkward looking anyway. I
really hate my body sometimes. It's huge. Big clumsy hands and even bigger
clumsy feet.
I trip over them so many times in one day it isn't even funny anymore. I'm
talking about this now because I almost fell on Chloe in the office. I zigged and
she zagged and before I knew it I was grabbing onto her hips. It was so awkward.
I've never really touched a girl in the way a boyfriend touches a girlfriend. It
was kind of nice. She was really warm and stuff.
I feel kind of dumb talking like this. It's so silly, but I think of her as a
sister and I would never hurt her on purpose. I think I did. She made this
yelping sound and then she flinched. For half an hour she insisted she was fine
but I caught her rubbing her hip where I'd grabbed it. I was so scared that I'd
hurt her. I don't have anybody to talk to about this.
I'm never going to date. I think it's safer if I just keep my hands to myself.
I'm so confused.
~
10:22p - Holy Cow!
I have had the most bizarre day of my entire life.
It started off fine. I got up the nerve to ask my dad if I could join the
football team. He turned me down flat. I almost barfed all over Lana's shoes at
school, (more embarrassment for me). My best friend Pete got to join the team,
so I watched him at practice until I couldn't take it any more.
I walked home and stopped at the bridge. You wouldn't believe what happened
next! One minute I'm staring down at the water and then the next minute I hear
screeching tires. I look up to find a car hurtling at me. It was going really
fast. The guy driving looked terrified. Then Bam! He hit me and we fell into the
water. I was so scared but all I could think about was helping the driver.
I dived down and pulled the hood off. I don't even remember how I did it. I got
us both out onto the shore and gave him mouth to mouth.
Thankfully, I managed to save him before I fainted. I mean, I was just hit by a
car! All I could think was holy cow! How the hell? It was amazing.
Anyway, when I came to the guy, who I'll call Lex from here on, was hovering
over me. The sheriff was already there. How embarrassing is it that I fainted in
front of this guy? He was really nice about it and kept thanking me over and
over. The only thing was, he kept staring at me. I couldn't tell if he was still
wondering if he'd hit me even though I told him I was standing off to the side.
Dad came to get me. He wasn't happy when he showed up. On the way home we didn't
talk at all. He was really mad but I couldn't tell if he was mad at me or if he
was mad at Lex. Although why he would be mad at somebody I saved is beyond me.
I'll never figure out my dad.
It's kind of late now. I haven't really had time to think about what it all
means. I mean I can't be hurt and I saved somebody's life! I think it was the
coolest thing to ever happen to me. I just know things are going to change for
the better from here on out.
I have to go to sleep now. Maybe more later. I have to think about this.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:40p - More weird stuff
So I had another crazy day. I
was robbed twice today.
I had the most important illusion taken away from me. But before I talk about
that...
I had a truck for about two minutes. That guy I saved sent me a truck to pay me
back for saving him. My dad made me give it back. Well, actually he made me
decide, but what else was I supposed to decide when my dad was going on and on
about how evil Lex's father is. I mean, it's not like the son is just like the
dad. Right?
It turned out to be kind of interesting though, so I'm glad my dad made me do
it.
Lex lives in a mansion. He's kind of mocking about it though. It's not really
his choice. His dad sent him to the town. He's supposed to save the plant that
hires most of the people in town. It's kind of freaky. I would be so nervous if
I was responsible for so many people, but Lex handles it so well.
He handles a lot of things so well, as I've come to discover. When I met him for
the first time he was dead, and today when I went to return the truck (which was
a sweet ride btw) he threw a sword at my head. Well, near my head.
I decided after talking to him that if I couldn't keep the truck, I could make a
friend out of him. He said all this stuff about us being friends, and nothing
standing in our way. I'm sure he was talking about my dad.
Anyway so I lost the truck, but gained a friend. I'm really looking forward to
getting to know him. He seems really interesting. I bet he's been all over the
world and done all kinds of stuff.
You're probably wondering what that other thing is that I was talking about.
Well, now I know why I'm not normal. It totally sucks. I will never ever be a
normal person. I can't even think it let alone write it in here. This is
supposed to be where I tell all those things I can't tell anybody else. It's the
biggest secret anybody has ever had to hold. I hate lying but I realize I do it
every single day of my life. Heck, I had to do it after I saved Lex's life. What
was I supposed to say? 'Oh, by the way, I can't be killed'? That goes over well.
I'm not going to dwell, and I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to
concentrate on other things.
Lana actually had a long conversation with me. It was in a cemetery, but at least
she talked to me. It was really nice. She even kissed me on the cheek, which was
even nicer.
I feel kind of lonely tonight. It's weird now that I know that thing about
myself that I didn't know before. It just changes everything. I have to go. This
just totally sucks.
~~~~~~
9:56p - I hate my life
So one of the reasons for
joining the football team was so Pete and I wouldn't be chosen as this year's
scarecrow. Let me just tell you a bit about this little tradition.
Every year a freshman is chosen by the football team. He's taken out to Riley's
Field and strung up on a cross in nothing but his boxers with a red letter "S"
painted on his chest.
Why am I talking about this? Well, this year Whitney, D and R decided it was my
turn to play scarecrow. I was already in a bad mood when I ran into them. Chloe and
Pete had just finished telling me the worst news I'd ever heard, and it all had to
do with me. I destroy everything around me. I've always thought this and now I
know it's true. Everything is my fault. People are suffering because of me.
Normally I could fight them off because I'm so strong, but I couldn't this time.
It was so weird. One minute I was fine and then the next I was as week as a
kitten. It happened right after Whitney put Lana's necklace around my neck. He was mad
at me for talking to his girlfriend. I tried to tell him that we're just
friends, but he wouldn't listen.
They dragged me out and stripped me. God, it was horrible! I was so scared and
it hurt so much. I tried to fight back, I really did, but Whitney wouldn't listen.
Eventually I just gave up, and stopped struggling. It felt like I hung out there
forever. And then this guy, J, came along. He was the scarecrow the year this
really bad thing happened in the town. Anyway, he just left me there.
It felt like I was going to die. I cried for help. I was pretty sure nobody was
going to hear me, but somebody did. Lex found me. I couldn't believe it. He
untied me and the necklace fell off. I was so lucky. I was too shocked to stick
around though. I ran to stop J from hurting my friends.
I stopped him and I got back at the jocks for what they did. I know it was kind
of childish, but I did it anyway. It made me feel a little better.
Anyway, I missed the dance since I was kind of tied up at the time.
~~~~~~~~~
9:34a - sigh
Just when I thought I
couldn't be any more of a freak, something new happens. I had this dream. Anyway
when I woke up I wasn't exactly still on my bed. It's too weird, and I have no
clue how I did it.
Why can't I just be normal like every other kid? It's not fair! I hate it.
At least Lana was in my dream, only she said everything was my fault. Totally not
something she'd ever do in real life but what do I know? She only started paying
attention to me a few days ago, and I really haven't talked to her that often.
Probably won't be after what her boyfriend did to me. I hope she doesn't find
out what happened. That would suck. It kind of hurt that I would dream that.
I heard my parents talking about me again.
More later.
~
6:46p - Well, I had another super fun day.
The first thing I had to deal
with, when I went to farmer's market this morning, was Whitney. As much as I would
love to tell somebody about what he did to me, I'm just too ashamed and
embarrassed. I don't want my parents finding out about it, and I don't want the
whole town to know. It's a small town, and I've already been called enough names
to my face without having more added to the list.
It was kind of annoying to listen to my dad go on and on about how great Whitney is
on the field. If my dad would let me play then maybe he could brag about me, but
no, instead he has to dote on the town star. If I sound bitter, it's because I
am. He has everything I want: a normal life, Lana, and he's star of the football
team.
It sucks to be me.
At least Lana noticed I wasn't at the dance. That's something, isn't it? Who am I
kidding, she's definitely not looking at me *that way*. Triple sigh.
Oh well. I got to see Lex, and that was kind of nice. He noticed me noticing her. I
have a feeling he's the type of guy who pays close attention. I'm going to have
to be extra careful around him.
He really seems to care even though he hardly knows me. I told him I want to
forget the whole scarecrow thing, just pretend as if it didn't happen. I think
he took me seriously. At least I hope he did. I really don't want my mom and dad
finding out about it. That would suck big time.
It's just my luck that on the way home from the market I end up saving Whitney's
life. Yup, the same guy who strung me up in the field. (I can talk about it
here, but I will NOT tell anybody about it. Lex doesn't treat me any
differently but maybe that's because he doesn't really know me yet.)
So, I saved Whitney's ass, (sorry I don't usually swear but I can't help it) and when
we got home my mom was shaking so hard.
I wasn't hurt at all. I also told my dad about what happened this morning. I
could tell he was really freaked out even though he tried to hide it. I mean he
told me we'd figure it out but there isn't really a 'we'. This is happening to
me, and I am so freaked out.
I'm supposed to go over to Lex's mansion soon. He ordered produce from my family
farm. I think it's the perfect chance to get to know him better. I'm looking
forward to that, even though dad cursed (I heard it all the way from my loft
without my special hearing) a huge paragraph when he found out. Maybe Lex can
give me advice about Lana. I'm pretty sure he's touched a girl.
Off to meet Lex. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~
3:31p - another manic day for the freakboy
So lead seems to block the
effects of the stone that's in Lana's necklace.
Lex took the necklace from the field and gave it to me to give to Lana. He says I
should tell her what her boyfriend did to me but that's just not the way I want
to win her. I wouldn't feel right about it.
I was wrong about Lex not telling anybody. He told Lana. I'm kind of disappointed
that he did, but she thought it was a nice thing for a friend to do. She's
probably right. I don't know. It's not like she dumped her boyfriend. In fact,
while I was fighting off this crazy guy he was saving her from the crazy guy's
cocoon. Don't ask.
At least now I know why I always felt queasy around her. Sigh.
Very busy day. Saw a dead body. I wasn't really grossed out since I was too busy
worrying about Lana. Not that it helped.
In the end I just left the necklace on her front porch. I think I'd rather win
her the fair way.
I'm really tired.
~~~~~~~~
10:40p - weird dream
Last night I had a dream. It
wasn't like the other one I had where I was flying. This one was kind of a
nightmare. I was in the cornfield and I couldn't move. When I looked down I saw
that I was back on the cross again. The guys who strung me up were there and
they were just standing there, laughing at me. I didn't tell anybody this at all
(not even Lex) but one of the guys whispered something in my ear when they were
taking off my clothes. He called me a fag.
All I was thinking at the time was how cold it was, and how if I was left there
maybe I'd die. In the dream Whitney told me that this wouldn't be happening if I
hadn't tried to make time with his girlfriend, but the other two laughed and
called me that name again.
After they left me there I had a lot of time to think. In the dream Lex finds me
again but this time he just stands there and looks at me. He said 'you lied to
me' and then he walked away.
I hate lying to everybody around me. I'm not who they think, but it's not
something I can ever tell any of them.
When I woke up the same thing happened again that happened the other night after
my floating dream. The bed was already broken from the first time thought so all
I did was make a loud noise. My mom came running into my room, which kind of
made me mad. She didn't even knock. What if I'd been doing something else? What
if I'd been getting dressed? Are all moms like that?
Anyway I wasn't but I was pretty glad I was lying on my stomach since it would
have been very embarrassing. After I reassured her I was fine, she left me alone
so I could take care of business, if you know what I mean. It was strange
because the last thing I could remember happening in the dream was Lex shaking
his head and just staring at me saying over and over again 'you lied to me'.
He's never said anything like that to me. In fact we haven't talked about the
accident at all since that day. All we talked about was that cool box he gave me
which I have by my bed. I stare at it when I want to think. It's really cool. I
haven't really talked about it here or to my dad. He'd probably make me give it
back. It's supposed be made from the armor of St. George, the patron saint of
boy scouts. Lex seemed pretty skeptical about this. Anyway Lex has this really
cool Trojan War set-up in a room on a big table. It's like one of those
battlefield table thingies. I've never seen anything like it except in a museum.
He was very casual about it. I wanted to ask if he'd play army with me but it
didn't seem like the kind of thing he'd do so I kept my mouth shut. Oh well.
Maybe next time I'll dream we're in a battle fighting as the good guys side by
side. That would be cool; me and Lex as knights.
That would really be cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:37p - Mad again but happy too
Okay so I snuck away today to
hang out with Lex. My dad was really mad the last time I went over to make the
delivery since I stayed for an hour. He told me I shouldn't waste Lex's time,
and that he's too old for me to hang out with.
I've never done this before. I just ignored my dad. I don't know why. Last time
I saw Lex he seemed kind of lonely. Maybe lonely isn't the right word. It seemed
like he wanted me to stay longer. He was so nice. We sat and talked about all
kinds of things like history and war and he promised to teach me how to play
pool, You know that one with a table and balls and a stick. He has a pool table
in his office! It's so cool. It's kind of unique just like him.
We sat and had lunch today. It's Sunday and I really didn't have anything else
to do after getting my chores done so I stayed pretty long. A few hours at
least. He told me about how his dad taught him to play chess but got too
frustrated since Lex kept beating his dad at it. I laughed so hard I sprayed
milk all over the place. It was so embarrassing. He just took it in stride, and
rubbed my back until I stopped choking.
He's so considerate.
Anyway so I went home all happy and when dad asked me where I was I couldn't
lie. I told him. He got this look on his face like he was going to explode but
he just calmly told me to stop bothering Lex so much.
Later when I was in my room thinking about everything we'd done I overheard dad
and mom talking about me. He actually told my mom to go over to Lex's and ask
him to stop allowing me to come over so much. Why would he do that? I just don't
understand my dad. It's like he thinks Lex is going to hurt me or something.
I know Lex would never hurt me. I made him laugh and he smiled a lot. It was
great.
I also got up the nerve to ask Lex about girl stuff. It was pretty embarrassing
but he was really cool about it. He answered all my questions. I thought about
asking about the dream, but I chickened out. Oh well, I'm sure the dreams will
go away.
I'm going to finish my homework. I was supposed to write a paper today but
instead I was playing hooky. It was fun. :)
Oh by the way, my mom told my dad to leave me alone.
~~~~~~
6:24p - Lana and other things
I haven't really talked much
about Lana here, which kind of surprises me since I've been in love with her
forever. I guess it's because of all the stuff that's been happening in my life
lately. I mean what I found out about myself after the car accident was pretty
startling to say the least.
She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She has gorgeous long dark hair
and these wonderful expressive dark eyes. When they look at you, it's like the
whole world disappears. I always get butterflies when I go near her or when I
see her.
Sometimes, at night, I watch her through my telescope. I've never told anybody
this. She's so strong too. A lot of people think she isn't because of what she
went through, but I think they totally underestimate her. I know she's stronger
than anybody gives her credit for.
I spend most of my high school career watching her from
afar, but now she's talking to me and she wants to be near me. It's funny but I
haven't noticed her wearing her necklace since I gave it back. I wonder why?
Anyway, I have a lot of work to do tonight. I have to rebuild the fence in the
far pasture. My dad is too busy to help so I'll be alone which is fine since I
love doing these things alone. I work much faster that way anyway. Should I talk
about how you build a fence here? Probably not. If anybody ever wants to know, I
know how. :)
So I was hanging with my best friends Pete and Chloe at the office of the school
paper and I casually asked if she'd gone and looked at this. I know she promised
not to but it couldn't hurt to ask. Apparently it did hurt. She acted all angry
and evasive. Not quite like I'd hurt her feelings but kind of guilty.
I have to go. Dad's yelling for me. Bye.
~~~~~~
10:18a -
So, I finished the fence early, and snuck over to Lex's place again. He wasn't
home so I hung out in his Trojan room. It was so much fun. I like being alone
sometimes. It gives me time to think. I have to admit, and I would never tell
any of my friends this (especially not Lex), that I really like being at the
mansion. It's quiet.
The only thing that happened was one of his staff caught me when she came in to
dust. Mrs. P was cool about it. She promised not to tell Lex that I was there.
She also had the cook bring me a snack. I felt guilty taking advantage of Lex's
staff, but I was so hungry.
In other news I had that dream again last night. It wasn't exactly the same.
This time Lex left me on the cross and told me 'liars don't deserve to be
saved'. I hate that. I feel guilty enough about lying to everybody without
having to dream it. I wish I could tell my best friend PR but I'm so afraid of a
lot of things.
Things like - would he still be my friend? Would he tell everybody about me? The
worst fear is that he'd never talk to me again. It's weird that of all people to
have called me a liar in my dreams it would be Lex. I hardly know him and he has
not once called me on the story I told him about the accident. He watches me
very carefully though, and sometimes when I look over at him he's staring at me.
Usually he smiles, which is nice. I guess maybe I just feel guilty about lying
at all. See I don't know why that is. I know it's safer for everybody if they
don't know the truth about how much of a freak I am. I'm not even one of them.
I have to go now.
~~~~~~
4:50p - When the cat's away
I'm doing this from the
school newspaper office. I stayed to do a few things for Chloe while she's gone.
She's away which means I can't talk to her to apologize about the other day. She
told me she wouldn't look at my journal, so I should have just believed her. I feel
awful. I feel like a total heel.
In other news Pete has a new girlfriend. oh, sorry, friend who is a girl, which
means I see less of him. Although lately I've been busy, and he's been sort of
preoccupied.
I think I'm going see if he'd like to come by to shoot some hoops. That would be
cool. He should be here soon.
Well, he's going out with his new main squeeze. Oh well. I guess I'll just
finish up here and run home.
Dad is mad at me again. This is going to seem really weird but I was watching
the mansion late last night.
I'm not sure why. I found this really nice spot, and it just happens to be
within eye-shot of the mansion. I like to go there to think and be alone. I've
been thinking a lot about Lex and some of the things he's said, and what some of
you have said. I really want to trust him. I do.
So last night Lex had a guest. It might be his girlfriend. He's never mentioned
one but it's not like he'd talk to a kid about that. She was dressed really nice
and arrived in a limo.
I was kind of curious about what Lex would do on a date. You know how he'd talk
etc. I figured I could get some tips from listening in. Boy do I wish I hadn't.
What I heard ... I'm pretty sure I'm too young to hear that kind of talk. You
know the kind. Naked talk.
Anyway, she stayed for two hours and fourteen minutes. I didn't see Lex at all,
but she left in a limo. Maybe she was just visiting.
Oh well, I got to go home now. Mom's waiting for me to help with the pies. MMMMMM
pie.
~~~~~~~
5:42p - And then she....
… talked to me.
Lana talked to me today in the hall at school. It was kind of weird and really
unexpected, but really nice. I didn't trip or fall on my face. She was really
nice. Her eyes were all sparkly, but she seemed kind of tense. I guess it was
because of what Whitney did to me. I just told her to forget it. She changed the
subject right away.
We talked for a few minutes about stuff until Whitney showed up. Lana seemed really
apologetic about it. She looked up at me with these really sorry eyes. I wanted
to hold her so badly. She looked so beautiful, and soft. Whitney acted all hostile
and made a crack about me horning in on his girl. I wanted to punch him so badly. I
think Lana saw that because she pulled him away, and said they needed to go.
At least she talked to me and it was nice. I'm so glad we're becoming friends.
It's nice. I think I'm starting to like her even more as I get to know her.
Got to go to do some chores.
~
6:09p - Oh man
Yesterday I saw Lex at the
coffee shop. After some of the comments you all made about my last post, I think
maybe I know what you were getting at though I'm not sure I believe it! I can't
believe that Lex would want or need that sort of thing.
Even so, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I was so embarrassed. I tried to
get away as fast as I could, but he wanted to talk so I stood there like an
idiot, and every time I tried to look into his eyes all I could think about was
the sounds I'd heard that night. . .
I am NEVER spying on him again.
I have to go now. I need to burn off some energy. Maybe running around the
county a few hundred times will do that.
~~~~~~~~~
10:56a - Hmmm
So I tried to call Chloe at her
cousin's place but whoever answered said she was unavailable. She was really
rude and hung up before I could leave a message.
I also tried to call Lana and her aunt told me she couldn't talk. I wonder if
maybe Lana just told her aunt to say that because she didn't want to talk to me.
Last night when I went for a run I saw Lana on her horse. I followed her for a few
minutes to make sure she was okay. She seemed fine. There was no Whitney around. I
wonder if they had a fight.
Maybe I should go check on her. I think she's in class now. I'm kind of hiding
in the newsroom. I have to go soon.
I think I'll just wait by my locker and see if she shows up. If I'm lucky her
boyfriend won't be around.
~~~~~~
10:29p - pool at Lex's
I did it. I went over to see Lex after I finished the deliveries. I wasn't
bugging him like my dad keeps saying. I didn't even interrupt anything.
We talked. I asked him about girls and kissing. I wanted to ask about that lady
from the other night, but I just didn't feel like it was my business. I did find
out he doesn't have a girlfriend. He seemed kind of sad or something. This is
going to sound really weird, but I kind of wanted to hold him; make him feel
better, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have gone for that. He really looks like
he could use a hug from a friend. I'm so glad I met him. He's really cool.
He told me he's had his share of girlfriends, so he could help me out with
dating advice whenever I need it. With Lana I mean. He also told me that it was
hard for him to find the right woman since most of them only want him for his
money. I couldn't care less about that. I mean it's nice that he has all this
stuff but it's only stuff. I'd still like him even if he didn't drive a Porsche
or six.
At one point he choked on something so I had to pat him on the back. This is
what I mean when I say that I'm a freak. Most people don't have to be very
careful when they do something so simple, but I have to be aware 100 per cent of
the time what I am doing. One wrong move and I could have bruised his back.
He fed me and showed me how to play pool. I really suck at it, but I had a lot
of fun. He also told me I could come over anytime I liked.
Anyway, I was really embarrassed when I told him that I'd only kissed one girl
ever and only one time. He said things that kind of surprised me. I mean why
would anybody want to go out with a big freak like me.
I want to go over again next week or maybe in a few days. I have to confess
something and it's going to sound kind of mean. I couldn't help it. When ever he
turned his back to me I couldn't help but stare at his head. You might think
it's a weird thing to do but you see Lex is bald. He's only 21 and it isn't that
he chose to be bald. I wanted to ask how it happened, but I couldn't find the
right time. It looks good on him, and he has this bump on the back of his head
right at the base of his skull.
I do that a lot; stare at people. I wonder how it is that I look so much like
everybody else. You would never know that I was a freak just by looking at me.
In other news Lana and I are going to do our math homework together. I'm really
excited about it. I think my mom will let us do it in my loft. She should be
fine with that I hope. Lana and I talked in the hall for a few uninterrupted
minutes. We were standing really close together so nobody else could hear what
we were saying. Not that it was anything private, but you know.
She smelled so good. God I have to admit I was really excited to be near her.
She smiles like I imagine an angel would smile. And she was wearing this nice
sweater. It was really pretty. Hey, I'm a guy I notice these things.
Got to go. I have to get up early tomorrow to do chores. Bye.
~~~~~~~
1:14a - more Lana and bad dreams
I just woke up from another
bad dream.
This one was really weird, but before I talk about the dream. . .
Lana came by tonight. She stayed for a while and we talked about so many things.
She's really smart, and has so much to say about everything. She's on the
cheerleading squad at school. She told me about how her mother was a cheerleader
too. I mostly just listened. I really don't have a very exciting life. I told
her about the farm and some stories about how I had to chase the cows one night
when they escaped.
Anyway, she smelled like jasmine and wore the nicest pink top and blue jeans.
She looked very nice. I kept wishing I could lean in and kiss her. I have to
admit I was staring at her a lot. I mean she is so pretty, and she was wearing
her hair down tonight. I think I smiled a lot too. I hope she didn't think I'm a
freak or anything.
My mom interrupted us, and told me to get to bed. So Lana had to leave. I had such
a great time. She thanked me, and put her hand on my arm. I watched until she
was out of sight. My mom gave me this funny look. After, when I was alone in bed
I thought about Lana and everything she'd said and done. It was a very exciting
night.
My mom caught me typing in my journal. I think I hid it but I'm not sure. She might
have seen something before I had a chance to shut down the monitor. She didn't
ask me about it.
I had the nightmare again about being up on the cross. I was wearing the
necklace and this time when Lex came to rescue me, I fell into his arms. Then
suddenly we were in his mansion and I was hugging him.
I have to go take care of some stuff.
~~~~~
12:18a - Another game of pool
I'm finally home and getting ready for bed but I had to get some things off my
chest.
I had to go back and friends lock some of my earlier posts for certain reasons.
I went to see Lex today and while we were talking in front of his house, a
photographer took our picture. I couldn't believe it. Here we were having a
private moment, it was really nice and relaxed, and this guy jumps out of
nowhere. It was really annoying. Lex got so mad; he smashed the guy's camera and
chased him off.
You might be able to tell by this who I am talking about. Please don't say
anything if that is the case. He has lived in the spotlight his whole life and I
would hate to be the reason he's in the newspapers again.
Anyway after the guy ran off, (Lex threatened him), we went inside. We talked
about how little privacy he has in his life and I immediately thought of my
journal,
and how much I write about him on here. I don't want to get him in trouble. He's a
really nice guy and I really like him. I think it bothered him way more than he
would admit it. I almost hugged him. I wanted to so badly, but he was really
stiff and had this personal space thing going. I didn't want to step into it,
and ruin the moment.
We played pool again. I did better this time. He won which is fine. I told him
about my dreams sort of. He was really cool about it and everything. It was way
harder than I thought it would be. I tried to tell him about how he fit into the
dreams. I just ended up saying that nobody saved me. That I was left out there.
He was really concerned. I'm glad this is friends only because I have to confess
something. The dreams have kind of turned weird. I wake up each time a little
excited. That's never happened to me before.
When I was over at Lex's place he touched my leg to comfort me only it had
another effect, it made me kind of excited. I was so embarrassed. I'm pretty
sure he didn't notice, but I had to leave right after. I made up a stupid excuse
about my dad needing the truck and ran. I felt bad because he looked really
concerned.
When I got home I stayed in my loft for a couple of hours. My mom and dad were
out so I took care of myself there. I don't know what to think. Why is my body
reacting like this? Why am I feeling this? It's not fair. Lex is counting on me
to be his friend, and I'm having those kinds of dreams about him. I need to stop
this now.
I have to go to sleep now. I hope I don't have the dream again.
~
10:32a - This is only for me
Even though only I can read this, I've never written it down before. its going
to look weird.
I'm an alien!
And I think I might like Lex 'that way.'
Plus I floated again this morning. I dreamed that I was in the field and Lex
came to save me. He untied me, except when I fell to the ground the necklace
stayed on. I tried to tell him to get it off, but he didn't understand me.
The meteor rocks hurt me. Pretty ironic. They came with me and it's all my fault
that everybody is getting hurt by them.
Sometimes I really hate my life.
There, I got it off my chest but it didn't seem to help.
Off to forget again.
~
8:25p - Oh
A very boring day at school.
I rushed home so I wouldn't have to see or talk to anybody.
Now I'm sitting in my room waiting for the day to end, and checking out some of
my friends on LJ. There are some really nice people out there. My connection is
so slow right now and every time I try to reply to one of the comments you left,
it screws up.
Pete was too busy with the football team to hang today. Oh well. So was Lana. She's
on the cheerleading squad. I might have already mentioned that. I haven't seen
Lex since the other night. I'm not holding off, I just need time to think about
what's been happening. I need space.
I wish I could call him.
~~~~~~
11:53p - Made the team
She's barely back one day,
and already everybody wants to hurt her.
Chloe is back. I thought it would be uncomfortable but we both just acted like
nothing had happened. I gave her a great big hug, and after that it was smooth
sailing. What got her on every jock's most wanted list was an article she wrote
for the school paper. I have no idea how she managed it, but she got it to press
this morning. She even laughed about getting hate mail. Can you believe that!
She totally freaks me out sometimes. I swear I have to keep an eye on her every
second I'm at school. Who else would do it?
She calls all the football players jock-straps which I think is totally
hilarious. Pete doesn't share my sense of humor. It's just a harmless name. I just
ignore it. Plus, hey, called worse names in my time.
I did it. I joined the football team. My dad is totally pissed. He ordered me to
quit, but I defied him.
I was scared at first, but he made me so mad. He doesn't trust me at all. It
hurts to know that. My mom stayed out of it. She's smart. My dad is so stubborn.
I don't care. I defied him. I had to. He's never going to give me the chance to
prove myself. And how am I supposed to prove myself if he never gives me the
chance.
I played my first game today at practice. It was amazing. I loved it. I'm
playing the tailback position, (Just like my dad did).
Lana wasn't there.
My dad showed up, but only to make sure I didn't hurt anybody. I thought I did
pretty good, but dad didn't seem to care. He left before practice ended. I was
pretty disappointed. Why does he have to do that? He makes me feel like a little
kid again.
After practice I saved the principal's life. He was trapped in a burning car. I
didn't get hurt at all, and the principal is going to be okay, but when I got
home my dad freaked. I was totally careful and all he could do was be suspicious
that I screwed up somehow.
I really love my dad but sometimes he just makes me so sad. The way he's always acting like I don't know what I'm doing. It's my body! I
know how to control my abilities! He has no idea what it takes. So much of it is just subconscious. Isn't it that way for everybody? I mean
we all have to be careful when we hold delicate things. I guess for me the difference is, in my case, everything is
fragile. Sigh.
I'm pretty tired actually. I loved being out there on the field. It was
this amazing rush. I just wish my dad hadn't left before the game was over.
It doesn't matter. What ever I say, he's never going to trust me. He's always
going to use the same excuses. I'm so sick of them. All my life it's all I've
ever had to do. I was never allowed to play with other kids. PR is the only
friend I have for a reason. When I was growing up I never went to birthday
parties except his. I didn't even have my own birthday parties. Not that we even
know when my birthday is anyway.
Sorry, I sound really whiny. I'm just really upset. On top of all this Lex is
too busy being businessy to see me. Not that I didn't expect that. I mean he is
a grown-up.
I had coffee with Pete, and Chloe, and Lana was there as a waitress. I was so shocked.
I couldn't believe it! She quit the cheerleading squad. She loves cheerleading.
Now I won't get to see her at the games. That was one of the reasons I wanted to
play. Okay, I know, but I can't help it. I was hoping for more time around her.
Whitney, who is now my team mate, didn't saying anything at all to me about it.
CS took off just as we were sitting down for a cup of coffee. I probably should
have followed her. She has this knack for getting into trouble, but I wanted to
stay, and be near Lana. Plus I was hoping Lex would make an appearance. I kind of
miss him. After all the great advice I was given by the people on my friends
list, I know I'm ready to face him without embarrassing myself. Oh well, maybe
I'll see him tomorrow. Maybe I should call him again, tell him about the
football stuff. He might not understand. After all, I'm playing with the guys
who turned me into this year's scarecrow.
~~~~~
9:17p - Another freak day for the freak boy
Sometimes I just want a
normal day. I was all set to go out to the pep rally for the big game. I had
this great talk with my mom just before I left. I think she's on my side about
this whole thing, unlike my dad, who's still not talking to me.
The school news office was set on fire, and Chloe thinks the coach somehow
controlled the flames. She gets some pretty crazy ideas sometimes, but I think
she might be right. She told me the flames followed her. I was pretty freaked
out when I saw that she was trapped in the office and it was on fire. When I got
there to help her, the flames had died down.
If anything had happened to her, I don't know what I would have done. I was mad.
Unfortunately, the office is a total wash. She was upset. She didn't even care
that her life was in danger; all she cared about was the office.
After that, I stopped by the coffee shop to see if Lana was working; she was. She
looked pretty, and very determined. Lex was there too. We sat and talked. Lana got
his drink completely wrong, but Lex was cool about it. It was some kind of
whipped cream thing. When he drank it, he got some on his nose and lips. It was
cute.
Lana was too busy to talk so I sat with Lex for a while, and drank my coffee while
he sorted through some paperwork. His dad is making him fire a bunch of people,
but Lex said he'll try to stop that. He's so good for this town. I mean, if he
weren't here, whomever his dad put in charge would have just fired those workers
without a second thought. Lex said my rebellion against my father, and LL's own
rebellion against her aunt inspired him. I think that is so cool.
We sat for a while. He seemed okay with me just quietly watching him. It was
nice. After he packed up, he offered me a ride home. I could have gotten home on
my own, but this way was much cooler. He was driving the Ferrari today. I love
his cars.
It was a quiet ride. He didn't say anything at all. I wasn't really expecting
much, but he seemed preoccupied and kind of sad. He seemed pretty tired too. I'm
worried, since he hardly ever seems so out of it.
At first I figured he was thinking a mile a second, about how to save those
jobs. He's the kind of person that looks like he's always thinking. I really
like that. But I think maybe there was something else going on. Like something
more was bothering him. He just seemed so down.
When he dropped me off he just smiled and said see you. I know he saw his dad
today. I think he might be a lot more upset than he was letting on. It's late,
but I'm going over anyway. I'll think of a good excuse. I need the truck or it
might look funny that I showed up without it.
~
11:35p - friendship
I'm back from seeing Lex. He was in bad shape. He was drinking and alone. I
didn't lecture him or anything. After all, I have no idea what it's like to be
him. I have a clue that his life is rough. I just wish I could do something for
him. In the mean time, I've decided I'm going to be there for him whenever he
needs me.
I was still scared but he looked so sad, and so I finally did it, I hugged him.
He didn't really hug back, but he didn't push me away. He told me I would never
understand. He's probably right. I'm just a kid and my dad has always been there
for me. Lex's dad seems to take pleasure out of riding him.
I just sat and listened. He's really a strong person. I can't imagine having to
go through all the things he goes through, and still be able to stand tall.
After that, we just talked quietly about silly stuff; things to take his mind
off work, and his father. I held his hand, and I hugged him again. He was much
more receptive the second time. I just wish my body had behaved. One word of
thanks whispered in my ear, and it was responding to him.
It was nice, and he didn't seem to notice anything strange, not that I pressed
up against him or anything. I was just afraid he'd say something.
I'm tired, and I promised Chloe I would go talk to one of the football players
before the big game. She claims he's willing to tell the truth about the
football cheating scandal.
Night.
~
11:37p - More for just me
The freak that is Clark Kent
1. strong enough to lift a truck
2. faster than a speeding train
3. able to survive a head-on crash
4. probably gay
I wanted to kiss him. I can say it here where nobody else can see but me. He
looked so sad. I think, no I'm pretty sure I have a crush on him. A guy that my
father hates. I want to do things like hold him, and keep him safe. He's so
fragile. Emotionally and physically.
The wonder that is Lex Luthor
1. gorgeous
2. compassionate
3. understanding
4. probably not gay
I can't ever tell anybody. His friendship means so much to me. Even though we
haven't known each other for long, I have a feeling it's going to be the most
important friendship of my life.
I wish I could tell him about the alien thing.
~~~~
9:22p
- Fire tickles
Well, the last game is over and I didn't even get to play. In fact the coach is
dead. Chloe was right. He was controlling fire. I went to talk to that guy; the one
Chloe said would talk. Well, he talked. He told me about the coach and how he can
do things with fire.
I couldn't really tell anybody. I mean what was I supposed to say; Excuse me
sir, but the coach of our football team is a fire starter thanks to the meteor
rocks that followed me here? Nobody would believe it. So yet again I hurt
somebody.
Deleterious - that is what the meteor rocks are.
After my dad saved me and I watched the coach kill himself. Not really a normal
teen life right. I was pretty mad at the time. I mean the guy left me for dead
just so he could win a football game. I've decided that football just isn't for
me. I won't be asking dad if I can try out next year. Dad and I talked and
things are much better. We were both being stubborn.
After the game I went out to the field and found Lana. She was fired from her job,
but she wasn't really too upset about it. She's a lot stronger than people give
her credit for. We stood in the middle of the field and just screamed. I never
would have done something like that before I met her.
We drove home together and talked about things. She wants to get to know my
friends, which is really cool. She saw me last night when I went to visit Lex,
and asked about it. I felt sort of weird about that. My first instinct was to
lie to her so I did. I couldn't help it. It's like the lying is a built in
defense thing for me.
Who knows, maybe for my kind it is.
I have to go to bed. I have this really bad headache, which is weird because I
never get headaches.
~~~~~~
12:08a - Lex has a clone!
Lex pushed me through a
window today! I was in town to get something for my mom, and he ran into me. I
was so startled to see him. He pushed me into the sunglasses store. I couldn't
believe how strong he was. I don't think it was him though. It just makes no
sense because the police told me he robbed the bank, and then ran. See he would
never do that. Something really strange happened to me too. I can't even say it.
I didn't tell my mom and dad.
God, I am such a freak! I hate this.
I spent the morning doing chores. Dad and I fixed the tractor again. Sigh. That
thing has broken down so many times this month, I think I might just toss it
into the next county, and say it was stolen so dad will go out and buy a new
one.
This afternoon (after the window crashing incident) I hung out with Pete. He
hadn't been over in a while so we shot some hoops, and talked about the coach. I
didn't tell him everything that happened. I told him that the coach had gone
insane and was so bent on winning that he tried to kill me, which was true. I
just confirmed what Chloe had already told us about the fires. I have no idea why
the coach killed himself like that. Maybe he wasn't trying to kill himself. I
will never understand people that want to harm others.
Pete stayed for dinner. It was great having him over. We watched an hour of TV
after dinner. Pete the big suck-up got my mom to break out some of her amazing
apple pie. Not that I'm complaining, I love apple pie. It was so good.
I had to call it a night because I got another head ache. I kind of know why
they're happening. I feel fine now, but just a few minutes ago my head really
hurt. My eyes ache. I know that sounds weird, but I have never really felt pain
before. I think I'm going to go to bed early. Maybe I'll feel better in the
morning.
I was going to call Lex to see if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but I am
feeling so crappy. Oh.
There it goes again. My computer is so dusty! Wow, this is so cool. It's
gone again. Oh well. Maybe being a freak isn't so bad after all.
Night.
~~~~~~~~~~
12:29a - it's not him and other Lex things
First thing this morning, Lex stopped by. He came to ask about what I saw. It
turns out he was out of town when his look alike was robbing the bank. I was so
relieved. I even joked about it with him. He was really very nice about it. He
even apologized for me being thrown through the window even though he didn't
have anything to do with it. I thought that was pretty nice, but dad just walked
away. It kind of made me a little mad that he treated Lex that way. I asked Lex
if it would be okay if I stopped by later for a game of pool. He said yes. After
he left mom gave me this weird look. I hope she doesn't pick up on anything.
Lana called later on around five. She asked if everything was okay and if it was
true about Lex. I told her I never once thought he would do that. It was so nice
to hear that she agreed with me. She seems to be warming up to the idea that Lex
is a nice guy. That made me so happy.
I didn't do much except boring farm stuff, so I won't talk about that. Since it
is a friends locked post. I want to talk about my visit with Lex.
I went over around seven. I was hoping for earlier but dad kept coming up with
something new for me to do whenever I tried to leave. When I finally escaped,
thanks to my mom, I got there at around seven fifteen. Lex was just hanging out.
He seemed pretty tired but he didn't ask me to leave or anything, so we settled
into one of the many rooms at the mansion. We talked for a bit. I think I was
pretty boring but he listened very intently. Like he really cared what I had to
say.
Anyway, he suggested we watch Spiderman instead of playing pool, but I'd already
seen it. Besides I wanted to take advantage of the fact that mom and dad weren't
there. So I asked if he had the Sopranos. He did. We settled in with some milk
and pie. It was really good pie. I made a total pig of myself. Lex barely
touched his piece, and in the meantime I ate a whole pie!
The show is really good. Chloe would always tell me about how good the writing
was, but I had no idea it was this good. I have no idea what mom and dad don't
like about it. Oh well, I got to watch the first two episodes. Except I missed
the second half of episode two. Lex fell asleep. I'm not sure when, but he
passed out right there on the sofa beside me. I let him be since he was so tired
from all the fake Lex bank robbery excitement. It was probably stressful.
Lex looks so beautiful asleep (this is where the friends post part comes in) I
couldn't help myself. I hardly ever see him relax so I watched him sleep. I even
touched him. He's so soft. I think maybe he has no hair anywhere; although he
has eyebrows and eyelashes. I looked really close to see if they were real.
Okay, I was curious I just thought it was strange that he had them and not other
hair. I couldn't see any hair on his arm, or the back of his neck.
I hope nobody thinks I'm some kind of creep for doing this. If you had seen him
asleep. He looked so amazing.
I touched his head. Not that one. I also touched this scar he has on his top
lip. I don't have any scars so I was really curious about what it felt like. I
want to ask him about it, but I think I might wait until we've known each other
better. I tried to guess how he got it, and the only thing I could come up with
is that it had something to do with his dad.
Although that weird thing I talked about before happened again. And I almost got
an eyeful of a very bare version of him. I really would rather discover that in
the old fashioned way.
After the show finished I woke him. He was pretty upset that he'd fallen asleep
on me but I really didn't mind. I didn't tell him what I did while he was
asleep.
I'm in my room now after taking care of some stuff. I have the sleeping image of
him etched in my brain. I know it will be what I think about tonight as I go to
sleep. Although, really I haven't stopped thinking about it.
I am so screwed.
~
3:26p
- It just never gets easier
I'm home from school early today because It happened again. In gym class
while I was climbing the rope of torture, It kicked in and I saw more of
Pete than I ever wanted to. Now I know how gross we are under all that skin.
Muscles and stuff are not pretty to look at. I freaked to say the least.
Since I fell off the rope, they sent me home early, so now I'm up in my room.
When I told my mom and dad they weren't very helpful. I mean, it's not like I
came with a manual. 'At this age his special vision will kick in' etc.
My mom needs to go into town so I'm going with her. I couldn't go anywhere near
Lana today. She was wearing the necklace. I also heard a rumor going around that
she and Whitney did it. I just don't believe it at all. She's not the type to do
that.
Got to go. More later.
~
3:50p
- X-ray vision
I wanted to make a post that only I can see.
I have x-ray vision now on top of everything else.
It's not just x-ray vision. I can see through walls and stuff. I can't control
it, but dad thinks I should be able to learn how to in time. I hope so. It's
really annoying when it just suddenly kicks in.
~
9:44p - My clone tried to run over my mom or what B movie did you star in
That sounds like the name of
a really bad movie doesn't it? It's true. It really happened.
When I went into town with my mom she went to pick something up at the antique
store. I saw Tina, this girl from school, go into the store. Her mom runs it.
That thing happened again, and I saw something really strange. I don't know what
to think about it, but I think something is going on. I'm not sure what. I have
to look into it more.
Mom claims I tried to run her over with our truck. She swore it was me!
After we got home (Don't ask how.) I went out to do the deliveries after we got
the truck back. Who ever borrowed it, just abandoned it.
Lex was home when I got there. (His Monday produce consisted of apples and corn
on the cob) I made sure he was my last stop. He invited me to hang out, and
shoot some pool. I had a great time. He was in a much better mood this time. He
seemed really happy. When I asked why, he told me he had just bought a new car.
He showed it to me. It was a red Ferrari! The nicest car ever. He took me for a
drive with the top down. I wanted to ask if I could drive it, but I am only
fifteen. Oh, what a sweet ride!
At first he went the speed limit, but then I asked him to go faster. When we
got back to the mansion the butler guy told me my mom had called. She was so mad
when I called back, so I had to rush off. Even though I had to run off, Lex still
looked happy. I'm so glad I could cheer him up.
However, I am now grounded. Can you believe that? My dad was pissed because I
still had chores to do, and he needed the truck. I guess I should have called.
I'm not allowed to go out for three days except to school, and to do deliveries.
Then after that, I can only hang out with my friends to do homework.
Three days isn't too bad. I talked them down from a week. I so was not going to
be grounded for a week! I'm fifteen! My mom didn't even stand up
for me like she usually does.
I wanted to call Lex to tell him about that, but my mom won't even let me use
the phone. Sheesh, why is it that moms can always make you feel like a little
kid?
I'll call him from school tomorrow. Homework now.
~~~~~
10:28p - Not much of a day
So after all the excitement
of the other day I finally get a nice calm day. Not much happened. Since I'm
grounded I can't go anywhere. I'm in my room now waiting for mom and dad to go
to sleep. They're finally in bed. I offered to wash the dishes so they could be
together. (Since my mom was almost run over they've been kind of mushy - yuck! -
can't go there)
I want to call Lex to tell him about being grounded. I'm just afraid it'll
remind him that I'm just a kid. I mean, who gets grounded at fifteen? Do any of
you have this problem?
I tried the wounded look, but I'm pretty sure mom is immune to it. Dad just
gives me this look that says 'try it on somebody else.'
I'm really bored, and restless. Hold on.
I think they're asleep. I'm going for a run. See you guys later.
~~~~~~~~~~~
12:48a - Back
This is so not a good sign. I just went for a run, and kind of ended up at Lex's
place. He was up doing work. I sneaked into the Troy room, and got caught by
Lex. I guess I should never be a cat burglar, although the x-ray vision would
come in handy.
Lex was really nice about it. I felt bad since he was so relaxed and casual.
I've never seen him as relaxed as that. His shirt was open and he was wearing
socks. pants too.
I tried to x-ray to see through the socks. Just to practice of course. Anyway,
he offered me a snack, and we went to the kitchen. He looked so beautiful in the
moonlight. It sounds dumb to say that about a guy, but I can't help it.
Since this is very private and nobody but me will see it, I will admit it. He
made me very excited. In fact I am getting excited thinking about how excited I
was back at the mansion. I had to excuse myself to take care of it in his
bathroom. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. My mom and dad would be so
disappointed.
He smelled so good. He smelled amazing. He smelled sexy. I am turning red just
typing this. I'm pretty sure Lex was as excited as I was. Although I guess I
shouldn't just assume it was me that made him that way. But if it was, that
means he likes me like that! I have no idea what to do about it. Should I talk
to him about it? Or maybe I should wait until he says something. He did reach
out and touched me. It was on the elbow. I thought I saw something in his eyes.
This is moving way too fast for me. I have to slow down. God I can't be
attracted to my best friend! I just can't! At least I won't be able to go over
there for the next few days. Maybe I'll tell dad to do the deliveries tomorrow.
I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I could use the time to distance myself from the
situation.
I could talk to mom. I think she likes him. I know she's more willing to accept
him than dad is.
I never did get that snack.
I am so fucked.
~
8:19a - on parents and other things I ponder
So early morning and I am way
more coherent now. I went for a run and ended up at the mansion. I can admit to
myself that it's where I wanted to be. I watched Lex for a few minute. He looked
like he was working really hard. Probably on something that will help the town.
I get pretty fed up with hearing my dad slam him so now I just tune him out.
Every time I mention Lex, dad either grunts or says something nasty.
Which is really unfair since my dad taught me all my life not to judge and here
he is, judging Lex based solely on his last name. Isn't that hypocrisy?
Mom and dad were still asleep when I got home. I really didn't care if they were
or not. I shouldn't have been grounded in the first place as far as I'm
concerned. I have to get ready for school now. I'm really in a cranky mood this
morning. I think Tina is turning into other people and doing things. That might
explain everything that's been going on.
If you think that sounds crazy, you never lived in my town. This stuff happens
all the time. Trust me. I'm going to check her out today. Watch her to see if
she does anything weird. After my mom told me she found money with a bank band
wrapped around it at the antique shop, I'm more sure now that something is going
on with Tina.
Mom's calling me. She's always yelling that I'm going to be late. Like that
would ever happen. Later.
~
11:21p - holy clone batman
What the hell is going on!
I had the worst experience ever tonight. Lana came by. Only it wasn't her. I
thought for sure it was. It looked exactly like her, and acted exactly like her.
It's been another crap day. I had to call the police, and tell them that I saw
the money from the bank robbery in Tina's locker at school. (Which isn't
the crap part since this totally gets Lex off the hook) It turns out she really
can shape shift! So when she, as Lana, stopped by, she hit on me, and told me she
had her eye on me. I was pretty confused since Lana is still dating Whitney. (And I've wanted to hear these words from her for so long)
She kissed me. I tried to stop her. I would never want any guy to kiss my
girl. When I pulled away it was Tina.
My second ever kiss and it turns out to be a psycho bank robbing (as Lex) girl.
My life just sucks. On top of that it's all my fault!
I hate my life!
I could only see Lex for a few minutes today. It was a nice few minutes, but it
totally sucked that I had to leave right away. My mom even reminded me. She was
pretty adamant that I get home right after. I had the feeling she was talking
specifically about Lex.
I have math and English homework to do. Plus I wanted to finish reading that
Nietzsche book I started yesterday. I'm actually kind of tired tonight.
~~~~~
11:15p - parents
School sucked. They still
haven't found Tina, and on top of that Lana was totally unapproachable today. That
is, until she came over tonight. She just left. She said she was out for a jog,
and happened to be near our place.
I was pretty surprised. She talked to me about something so personal. Her
parents died when she was three, and she watched it happen. It's hard for me to
even write it here since it hurts so much.
She talked about her mom, and how she found her diary. I was happy for her, but
after she left, and I came inside I started to think about my mom. I'm adopted.
I've known this all my life, and every single day of my life my mom and dad
have told me that I am the best thing that ever happened to them. I love them,
but now that I know the truth (and it's a truth I still haven't come to grips
with) it's hard not to think about who my real parents are, and where they are
now. Why did they let me go? What did they look like?
I went to look at IT. I stared at it for so long. I held the tablet my dad gave
me. It's so freaky looking at these things that came from my real parents. I'm
sure they had a good reason for leaving me in that field where my mom and dad
found me. I just wish I knew what it was. I know I'll never find out.
I wish I could go over and talk to Lex about this. I need somebody right now,
and mom and dad won't cut it this time. But I can't. I have to lie to him about
these things. I wish I could tell him the whole truth. I'm just so afraid. I
just couldn't take the fear in his eyes when he hears what I really am.
I didn't even get to see him today at all. I find myself thinking about him a
lot lately. I wonder what his life was like growing up, and I wonder how he's
doing and what he's doing. I wonder what he was like at my age. If he already
had dates. Though I don't like to think about that too much.
I think about what he likes. I mean I know some of the things he likes, but what
else. He just seems so closed in, and like he's too afraid to reveal things
about himself.
For me, it always comes down to my secrets. I don't even think I can get close
to anybody because of them. And I really wish I could. I feel kind of lonely
tonight.
I have to get to sleep. Mom just yelled at me to turn off the computer.
Night all.
~~~~~~~~~
1:24p - So my plan is...
My friend and I are going to
look for Tina today. She needs to be stopped, and I feel like I have an
obligation to do this. It also bothers me that she robbed the bank wearing Lex's
skin, so to speak. Part of me hates her for doing this and part of me identifies
with what she has had to do all her life: hide who she really is. I know how
this feels.
~
8:34p - Close your eyes
Tonight has to be one of the
worst nights of my life. First, I had to fight Tina. She wanted to take over
LL's life. I stopped her, but I have to say, I really identified with how Tina
felt. She wanted normal, and that isn't possible with her condition. I know how
that feels. It's what I want.
The police took her away. I had to stand by and watch as Lana and Whitney went into her
house. I'd just saved her life and she was with him not me. It hurt more than I
could even say to my mom, but she could tell. She was very understanding and now
I'm up in the loft alone while Lana and Whitney are together. I don't even want to
think about what they might be doing.
I need to get out. I need to go for a run. I need to be anywhere else but here.
~
10:21p - why me
I just ruined everything with one stupid move.
I ran tonight for a long time. I found myself at the mansion, and Lex was in.
That is Lex by the way. His name is Lex. He was sitting by a dying fire with a
drink in his hand. I was so emotionally distraught. I still am. I'm worse in
fact, because I just made such a huge mistake.
I kissed Lex. When I say kissed, I mean I started it.
It's the first time I've ever kissed anybody. I hate myself because I was being
so selfish. I was upset over what happened earlier. I was lonely and he just
looked so lonely too. I thought ... I didn't really think at all. I just grabbed
him and did it. I forced myself on him. I have never done anything like that. I
just grabbed him and forced him to kiss me. I'm very strong. He wouldn't have
been able to break free from me.
I can still taste him on my lips. I can still smell him.
At least now I know for sure how I feel about him. He's probably never going to
talk to me again.
I was so afraid, I got out of there as fast as I could. I don't know what to do
now. Please help me. I'm so scared. I can't talk to my mom or my dad about this.
They would never understand. What should I do?
My mom freaked when I came back so upset. I just lied and told her I was sad
about Lana (Lana). Luckily, mom left me alone.
Except now that I am alone, all I can think about is how I just took off on him.
I kissed him and then I ran. I shouldn't have left him there. I should go back
or call or something.
I'll call tomorrow. I'll ask him to pretend like it didn't happen. I don't want
him to hate me. He's going to hate me.
~~~~~
8:46p - it can't rain all the time
I went to the house. He was
gone.
I had a huge fight with my dad today. It was raining nonstop. (Somehow I'm sure
that's my fault.) I did my chores and then some. I needed something to take my
mind off things. I didn't care about the rain.
Later, when I went back in I asked mom if Lex had called. My dad totally lost
it. I've been checking to see if he called almost every half hour. He cursed Lex
out, and ordered me to never talk to him again. Then he stormed out to the barn.
(if you wonder where I get the running away from; look no further)
We're still not talking. Mom came up a few minutes ago to ask how I was doing.
She's such a cool mom. I wish I could tell her, but I don't want to give my
parents reason to hate Lex. In my dad's case, even more reason.
I called him six times, but there was no answer. A few hours ago I decided to
stop by. It was still pouring rain, but I didn't care. I ran all the way there
since dad had the truck.
He wasn't home. When I asked where he was nobody would tell me. I checked the
garage, and one of his cars is missing. The one we went for a drive in was still
there so I sat in it for a while. I thought it would make me feel better, but it
just made me feel worse. I got so upset I ran again. Only this time I ran to the
farthest point of his property.
I'm back now. I tried to call again, but voicemail picked up. I'm too scared to
leave a message. What do I say? How should I explain what happened?
Maybe it'll be like with my dad where we just start talking again as if nothing
happened. I don't know about that. I read all the nice stuff and advice you guys
left (thanks so much. It really helped), and I think you're all right. If I act
like nothing happened that won't change that it happened.
Now that I'm further removed from the moment, I want to go back to it. I want to
feel him close to me again. I want to hold him. I'm still scared, but I'm more
scared of losing him than anything else.
I think I'll leave a message the next time I call. With the way things are going
it'll be the one time he picks up.
~
11:52p - calling
I called and left a message this time. I just asked him to call me when he gets
a chance.
My mom made me some apple pie. She watched me eat. I think she was hoping I
would confide in her. I couldn't do it. I thought about it, but I just couldn't.
I was too scared. I did ask her about dating. She told me about her and dad's
first date. It was a really nice story.
Dad still won't talk to me. He's more stubborn than a mule. (That's what my mom
said) I also told her I wasn't going to stop seeing Lex, and that dad would just
have to live with that.
I guess I talked more than I thought I would. (Pie is my mom's secret weapon.) I
wanted so much to ask about how she'd feel if I was gay. I chickened out again.
Maybe once I've talked to Lex I'll be able to confide in her about this. I hate
keeping secrets from them, but the truth is we all keep secrets from other
people. I'm going to tell all of you one of my secrets right now.
I think I'm gay.
Okay you probably figured it out, but I have to tell you, the one kiss I shared
with Lex was more of a turn-on than the two I shared with Chloe and fake-Lana.
~~~~
9:41a
- confusion
You just won't believe....
It's not getting any easier. I called again. I couldn't help it. This time I
called the mansion. I asked when Lex would be returning. His butler (or what
ever he is) said that maybe tonight master Lex would return. He actually called
him master Lex. It was weird.
Dad is so mad at me. He hasn't said a single word. When I asked mom about it,
she said they talked for a bit, but again; stubborn mule. He's going to
make me suffer all weekend and I didn't even do anything wrong.
Maybe if I work by his side all day, he'll be forced to talk to me.
Mom's calling. I better go. I have to fix a gap in the fence in the far field.
(this one is kind of my fault)
~~~~~
10:45a - all is right with the world
I went by last night and we talked. Everything is fine now. I'm pretty sure it
was seeing Lana with her boyfriend that set this off. I was lonely and I thought
that I could substitute somebody else. I just wanted comfort. Lex understood. I
think.
I promised him it would never happen again. Maybe Lex is right, maybe I do like
Lana. But then why would he kiss me back? I thought maybe... but I guess not. I
also promised never to run out on him. I was the one who made the whole thing
harder. I shouldn't have run. I didn't even ask him where he was. I feel like
such a bad friend.
The truth is, while I was making the promise I wanted to kiss him again. I know
that's not fair to him or to me, but I couldn't help it. He looked so tired and
so . . . (I can't call a guy pretty and other stuff like that) I've never seen
him look like this before. He looked confused and sad and maybe a little hurt.
When he touched me on the knee I thought for sure something was going to happen,
but then it didn't.
He was relieved we worked it out. I guess he only kissed me back because he was
caught up in the moment. He never once said he liked it or that he wanted it.
After we talked, we played a game of pool. Then he tried to convince me to go
after Lana. I just can't do that. Lana has a boyfriend and I won't interfere
with that. If they break up I'll step in, but until then I guess I'll just have
to stay friends. I don't mind so much.
Mom and dad are talking about money again, or lack of it. Things haven't been
great this year. I do a lot of work on the farm, but I know it's not enough. I
wish I could help them more. I talked to Lex about it last night. He reassured
me that everything would work out.
Dad's talking to me again. Out of the blue just like that he suddenly asked me
when I'd be home from school. Today is delivery day and he wants me to get them
done by six so he can have the truck back. This means I won't be able to stay
over at Lex's this afternoon. Oh well, we can always talk another time.
~
9:34p - sigh
I just got back from a party
by the lake. I hate these stupid things, but Chloe wanted to go. I felt kind of bad
that I didn't spend any time with her this weekend. It was kind of annoying to
say the least.
Sean approached me to ask if Chloe was single. I told him she'd never consider
going out with him. Then I watched as he hit on her, and she wrote her phone
number on his hand. I wanted to tell her what he did to me last month, but then
I would have to tell her that I was the scarecrow. I wasn't about to go there.
We left shortly after the pizza arrived, but not before we grabbed a few slices.
Lana and Whitney were there. I just stayed away. There was no point. She was in his
arms. She looked really happy.
Oh well.
The best part of my day was when I saw Lex for a few minutes. Unfortunately it
was a short visit since I had to get the truck back to dad. He looked really
good. I mean he was wearing a suit. He's a business man. Let me just say I hate
suits but he looked . . . just wow. It was probably really expensive.
He must have just gotten home since he was removing his tie.
I know I will think about how he looked when he took his tie off for quite some
time.
I can fantasize can't I?
~~~~~
10:08p - I have a non-date . . .
. . . with Lana. This afternoon
I was kind of watching Lana at the coffee house. She was just reading like she
always does. I was trying to figure out some things. Then Lex stops me and tells
me to go for it. He even gave me tickets to this really cool concert, and
offered to throw in the limo.
I was pretty surprised, but I took the tickets and did what he said. I asked
Lana
out to the concert. She said yes. I made sure she knew it was just a friends
thing, not a date or anything. I mean just because she's seeing somebody doesn't
mean she can't go out with a friend, right?
So tomorrow night we're going to a concert. I'm nervous. I know it isn't a real
boyfriend girlfriend kind of thing, but I've never actually been on a date.
Ever. I've been to some of the school dances, but I always went alone and left
alone.
Part of it has to do with my mom and dad and how overprotective they are. I
don't blame them for it; I just kind of wish sometimes that things were
different. My mom and dad didn't say much when they found out.
~~~~~~~~~~
1:08a
- sweet dreams
I just woke up from a dream. It was one of those dreams, if you know what I
mean. This is kind of hard for me but here goes.
We're at the mansion playing a game of pool, and Lex says 'it's kind of hot in
here.' He unbuttons his shirt and lets it hang open. I can't help but stare at
his bare chest. It's so nice and smooth and pale. He notices me staring and sits
me down on the leather sofa. Then he holds my hand and tells me I can touch if I
want to.
So I did. He's really soft. I've already touched his lips from when I saved his
life, and the kiss so I know how they feel.
I lean in and kiss him again only this time he grabs me and pushes me back so
he's on top of me.
That's when I woke up with wetness everywhere. It's embarrassing. I usually
don't have those kinds of dreams. Most of the time once I've taken care of it,
I'm good for the rest of the night. I'm still excited.
I better clean up. Night.
~
1:39p - the big night
Chloe and Pete teased me
relentlessly at school. They even figured out that it was Lex's doing. I guess
it's because we've been spending so much time together.
Sean tried to ask Chloe out again, but before she could even say a word he took
off. The guy is such a jerk. I wish she wouldn't bother with him. It's not like
she isn't pretty. I think she could easily get a guy.
She promised to come over today after school to help me decide what to wear on
my non date. Apparently when I'm out with Lana my parents will be over at Lex's
talking about money. I hope my dad gives him a chance.
~
10:34p - It was....
... a total bust. I was so
nervous I resorted to card tricks. She didn't seem all that excited to be there.
She even turned on the TV in the limo. Which was kind of a plus since the news
was on.
Chloe made a - what did she call it - 'fact finding mission to see if he's worthy
of a date.' with Sean. If Lana hadn't turned on the TV, I would never have seen the
story on the news about Sean's ex girlfriend being killed.
I dropped Lana off at the coffee house, and promised to be right back. I couldn't
let Chloe meet up with Sean.
I saved Chloe and took her home.
I guess it wasn't meant to work out. At least Chloe is okay. I was so relieved I
made it to her.
After that I had to go see if I could salvage the non-date. I couldn't. She was
gone; which actually didn't bother me that much. What really bothered me was the
fact that Sean went after everybody I care about. He tried to kill me (I'm
fine).
It's over now. Lana is home with Whitney - she sprained her ankle. My mom and dad are
asleep. Sean never got near the mansion. He tried to attack it. There was no way
I was going to let him near all the people that I care about.
Lex was entertaining my parents.
I think I'm going to go see if he's okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:17p - interesting night
Where to start.
I went to the mansion last night. So much happened. It was a great end to a
horrible day.
We sat and watched TV for a while. I was too tired to talk. All I can say is.
Wow. He was only wearing pajama bottoms, and when I arrived he didn't cover up
or anything. He looked so hot. I lay my head down on the sofa, and pretended to
fall asleep. He touched my hair. Actually, he stroked it. (It was really nice.)
I was exited to say the least. So was he, I think. Then he offered me a bed. Not
his unfortunately. :)
I asked him to stay with me until I fell asleep. After everything that had happened, I
just didn't want to be alone. He agreed to stay. It was really nice to have him
there. I felt safe. Which is kind of weird since I am the strong one. He smells
so nice. Not like me. I smell kind of funny.
We fell asleep in the same bed! I was so content. So happy. When I woke up a few
hours later I was pressed up against him. (One of my fantasies.) He was so warm
and soft. He wasn't wearing a shirt. His skin is so smooth; like silk. I wanted
to stay close to him, but I was afraid of what he would think.
After that talk, and how he helped me get the date with Lana, I'm just not sure.
I'm more confused than ever.
He went back to his own room once he woke up, (which sucked - and not in a good
way. Hey I think of that kind of stuff. At least now I do.) I wanted him to
stay, but how was I supposed to do that. I'd already faked sleep to get him
closer.
I couldn't think of any way to keep him close so I just went to sleep.
The next morning was great. I felt so good. I took a shower in the nicest
bathroom ever. (The bed was huge. I loved it) when I went back to my room I went
through the wrong door, and ended up in Lex's room. That was kind of
embarrassing. He was already dressed, and I was still in my towel. He was cool
about it though. I had to borrow socks and boxers from him. I'm still wearing
the boxers. I think I might keep them. Maybe he won't remember. They're not silk
or anything.
So, I got dressed after embarrassing myself, and went down to have some
breakfast. He drove me to school (first we stopped off at the farm, and picked
up my book bag)
I caught Lex staring at me. I know he watches me. I really like that. It kind of
makes me feel special. Last night when he went back to his room, I'm pretty sure
he did the same thing I did. (I think you know what I mean.)
I feel kind of sexy right now. Lex does that to me. I've never felt that way
with anybody before. Not even Lana.
My mom and dad are pretty mad. Mom sent me straight to my room after school. I
can hear them arguing now. Dad is kind of freaking out. Shoot, I hope they don't
make me stop seeing Lex.
I have to go now. All this writing about Lex has made me kind of excited. I have
to admit. I feel really comfortable writing all this here. It gets easier every
time to admit to myself how I feel. Thanks.
Oh and before I forget, I made Lex blush. You might think this is not a strange
thing, but that's because you don't know him. He never blushes. Until today that
is. His head turned bright red it was so cute. I wonder what would have happened
if I'd said what I really wanted to say. I guess I'll never know. I called him
cute too. I was so embarrassed. I do that a lot; embarrass myself. I'm pretty
good at it actually.
I can't help it though, he really is cute. I wish I could show you what he looks
like. God, he's just the most wonderfully exotic creature, that's what I should
have called him, exotic. He really is.
I have to go; mom and dad are about to lay the 'hurt on' as Pete would say. I
guess I'll be grounded again.
Oh, and it was the nicest drive to school ever. I wonder if he'd let me drive
his car now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:43p - Days
We had the memorial service
for Sean's girlfriend today. It hit pretty hard since all I could think was it
could have been Chloe. It was a horrible way to die, and a part of me feels like
it's my fault. If only I'd been able to save her.
My mom and dad had a really long talk with me today about responsibility and
stuff. They were pretty mad about the other night. I guess I should have told
them where I was going. When I asked my mom if it was because it was Lex, dad
said yes and mom said no. She just wants me to let her know where I will be just
in case. They know I can take care of myself, but I guess they still worry.
So I have to come home right after class for the next week, unless something
comes up, and I have to do extra chores. I'm supposed to start some community
service work next week but I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. Mom said
that was fine.
Dad, however, was really quiet. He acted fine when I asked if I could spend the
night over at the mansion. I pointed out that I was asking, and that I could do
my chores tomorrow in the afternoon. They said they'd think about it.
I asked Lana why she goes out with her boyfriend. I was just curious. I mean, he's
done things that aren't so nice. She told me he makes her feel safe. The irony
is not lost. I mean I've already saved her so many times. Some of them she
doesn't even know about. I guess I can't be the guy that makes her feel safe. I
know I can't be there whenever she needs me. I tend to run off on her. So far
I'm 0 for however many times I made her a promise.
I can live with that. It just kind of sucks if you know what I mean. I feel
alone when things like this happen.
~~~~~~~
11:27p - long day
I am so tired. My dad made me
do every single chore he could come up with today.
After Lex drove me home dad worked my ass off. He's not mad or anything I think
he's just taking advantage of my offer to do anything he wants. I had to draw
the line at re-painting the house on the outside. Although I probably could do
it.
I have to make a confession. I took something from Lex's place. This is going to
sound so stupid, but I took a bar of the soap that was in the guess bathroom. It
smells so good, and I figure he won't miss it. He has lots of soap. I wanted to
take something else. I still have the boxers. I forgot to return them. Oops.
I washed them earlier, along with my bed sheets, since mom and dad went out to
dinner. They needed a night out with just the two of them so they went to the
city.
I already finished my homework and shot some hoops. When that got boring I
decided to run to the back field. Now I'm just sitting in my room.
The night over at the mansion was kind of tense at first. I stuck my foot in my
mouth. I felt so embarrassed I wanted to leave, but Lex just brushed it off. I
think I really hurt his feelings. I'm kind of ashamed that I acted that way. It
put a bit of a damper on the rest of the night. I was so nervous so I thought I
would tease him, but that totally backfired. I'll know better next time.
We had brownies. (My mom won't let me since the chocolate makes me totally
hyper. I'm having chocolate ice cream right now.)
We just watched some TV and then went to sleep. I stayed in the same guest room
as before. The next morning I joined him in his room, and we watched some TV and
ate breakfast. It was really nice. He seemed in a good mood and he didn't bring
up my major blunder from last night. I was relieved. (I asked him about girls,
and why he doesn't have more over. Then later I asked him about sex. About when
he first did it. He was kind of vague, but I think he did it for the first time
when he was really young. Maybe even younger than I am now)
He drove me home in the red Ferrari again. I love that car. I'm still too afraid
to ask him if I can drive it.
Very weird thing happened. I don't know how to take it. All I know is it's
totally out of left field. Chloe stopped by this afternoon. She asked me why I was
over at Lex's and asked if I have something more than friendship with him. I
couldn't believe she would say that! I totally snapped at her, and she drove off
mad as heck. I mean, she'd never ask me that if I stayed over at Pete's house.
I mean it just seemed like it came out of left field. Why would she think this?
Did she see something? I didn't do anything where anyone can see. At least I
don't think so.
I'm not handling this well. I need to back off or something. I need to figure
out what the hell is happening. I feel tense and jumpy now. Must be the ice
cream. I better go burn it off.
Oh, I didn't play games with Lex. Just pool. I almost beat him too, but I
stopped the game. And I peeked at his legs. Yes I know I promised myself I
wouldn't but I couldn't help it. I was too curious. They're hot! And purple
boxers. Also no hair on his legs.
I am too jumpy now. I need to go somewhere really far away.
~~~~~~~~
10:26p - boring day
I'm finally finished all the
chores. You wouldn't believe how much there was to do. My dad took full
advantage of the agreement we made. I didn't really care since it's pretty hard
for me to get tired.
They're kind of boring so I won't go into detail. I also had to do the laundry
since everything I owned was dirty or ripped. When I went over to Lex's the
other night I had to dig deep in the back of my closet for old jeans that I'd
only worn a few times since I hated how tight they were. Mom bought them for me
a year ago, but they were the wrong size. I'm not even going to go into how much
laundry there was. It seemed like I was doing loads for hours.
Like the post says; boring day.
I still want to write here at least once a day. It is fun and I really enjoy
putting my thoughts down. It's also very interesting seeing what other people
think. So far I've gotten some great advice, and some of the comments have
really given me a lot to think about. Lex is one of the things I think about
almost constantly these days. I can't help it.
I'm beginning to realize that I have to be very aware around Lex. He keeps me on
my toes and I love that. I can't ever remember being so stimulated by anybody as
much as I am when I'm with him. I love that he makes me think.
Mom and dad are in bed now. We had a little talk. It was kind of strange. Dad
seemed nervous and mom did most of the talking. They actually asked me if I've
had sex yet. Why would they think that? I don't even have a girlfriend. Mom gave
me a pack of Trojan condoms. I really like that my parents feel comfortable
about these things, but it was weird taking the pack and promising my mom that I
would be careful.
There are other reasons for them to be concerned. I mean I am different. I'm not
even sure if I'll ever be able to. I'm glad they're so honest about it. Although
they did remind me that I really should wait until I'm 16. (I'm betting they
wish it would never happen.)
Too bad, because if I have anything to say about it, the sex is going to happen.
One day with somebody I love and who loves me back. I know that might seem naive
to some people, but it's just the way I feel. I could never just sleep with
somebody.
Guys talk about it in the locker room. I guess Lana didn't wait. I know that
Whitney
and his friends are all non-virgins. (is that a word?) Anyway, one day I know
it'll happen. I can wait. I told mom and dad that was exactly what I would do.
When I figure out who the right person is, I'm so there. Maybe I should do some
research. It's not like I'm totally clueless about these things. Like I said, I
hear stuff.
I'm hungry again, so I'll go eat and then maybe I'll do some research. The
Internet is a pretty great place to find out stuff. Mom and dad even told me
that if I have any questions I should not hesitate to ask.
I can just see it. 'Mom, how do I know if Lex wants to do things with me?' Oh
yeah, that would go over well.
~~~~~~
9:19p - tell the future
Today I met a woman who can
tell the future.
All she has to do is touch you, and she can see things. She touched me and told
me that somebody close to me would die soon. I immediately went home and checked
on my parents. They were fine and they didn't believe me when I told them about
Cassandra. It's true though. She touched Pete and told him he'd be walking home
since he locked his keys in his car.
I decided to read to Cassandra for my community service. Every student at the
school has to do some each year, and I figured since Lana was already there I'd
talk Pete into doing this so I could see more of Lana.
But something really unexpected happened. Chloe stopped by earlier. She wanted to
talk about Lana. She told me her and Lana are getting closer, and they're interested
in pursuing something more. As in like that. I was pretty stunned. I didn't even
realize Chloe liked her or even talked to her. She always making fun of her.
She wanted to know if it was okay since she knew how much I liked Lana. What was I
supposed to say? 'No you can't, I liked her first.' Besides, she doesn't like me
like that. She wants me to get over it.
I know I've been going on and on about Lex but it still really hurts to know
that she doesn't feel that way. At least before when I thought I had a chance I
could dream, but now Chloe told me Lana just likes me as a friend.
I wish I could go to Lex. I want to run to him every time something happens that
I don't want to deal with. That scares me. I saw him today since it was delivery
day. He was driving like a maniac. I told him to be more careful, and he just
pointed out that I would save him. When I told him about Cassandra he actually
agreed with my mom and dad. I believe her. She told my friend he'd walk home and
he had to. She was right.
I want to go see her again. I mean I have to anyway, but I want to. She might be
able to tell me things about myself. I just feel so confused. I need answers.
One of the residence from the home disappeared. It's really weird. He's this guy
who murdered somebody a long time ago. It's kind of creepy. Lana is a little
freaked over it. I guess she has Chloe to comfort her.
I feel so out of it tonight. I was hoping Lex would be able to do something, but
I'm not allowed to go out. Mom asked me to stay in, and I just don't feel right
about leaving them alone after what Cassandra said. What if something happens to
them?
I think I'll just call him.
~
11:08p - the call
I called him. For some reason
it felt weird. He was drinking again. I had no idea what to say, I felt like
such a goof. At least I made him laugh with my stupid jokes. I also asked him
out on a date. Well, sort of. I didn't say 'let's go on a date' I just asked if
he'd like to go to a movie some time. So we're going to see one on Sunday. I'll
have to remember to check what's playing.
I wanted to ask him about stuff, but wasn't sure how to bring up the subject of
sex. I told him about mom and dad giving me condoms. It didn't really have the
desired effect. Oh well, maybe I'll try something different next time. He did
tell me a little bit more about how he used to use sex, drugs and rock and roll
to ward of teenage loneliness and confusion.
D called me a fag again. He's usually easy to ignore but he really went out of
his way to bug me today. I told Lex about this. We talked about teasing which
wasn't what I was hoping for again, but I had no idea how to ask if he though I
was a fag. or maybe get him to tell me if he liked men that way. I wanted to. I
mean I want to know a lot of things about what he's thinking. I'm just not good
at bring up the topic. He told me he'd been teased too and he also told me how
he used to deal with it. I wanted to know everything, but I didn't push.
He seemed kind of melancholy. I want to run to the mansion, and hold him. I want
to protect him from everybody: his father, my father, the whole world.
I did that search on line last night, and found some decent web sites that
talked about first times, and that kind of thing. One of my biggest fears is
that I'll hurt the person I'm with. I think I'm going to do more research
tonight. For now, I guess it will have to be my right hand.
I have to get to bed now anyway so I can get up early and do some chores dad
wants done.
~~~~~~~~~
11:27p - I'm alone
I went to see Cassandra
tonight. I needed to know. I wanted to know what the future holds for me.
I wish I hadn't.
I'm so tired. Every time I turn around, somebody is hurt by me. Everywhere I
look, I see pain and suffering caused by me. She saw a vision of me in a
graveyard surrounded by tombstones. The names of all my friends and families
were on the stones. My father, my mother, Lana, Chloe, and Pete.
I've been sitting here in the dark thinking about this. I was so freaked out at
the time, and didn't realize it until a few hours later. The only tombstone that
wasn't in the vision was Lex's.
I don't know why that was the case, but it has to mean something. I wish I could
call him again. He mocked Cassandra when I told him about her. What would he say
if I told him about this? Could this mean that he's the only person in my life
now that will still be around in my future? I have even more questions than I
had before. I need to know. Maybe I could convince him to go to her. Convince
him to let her look into his future. What if I'm there in the vision she sees?
The truth is I want him there. I want him to be a part of my future. He told me
that he didn't want anything to stand in the way of our friendship. Does that
include death? Was I meant to be on that bridge? Was I meant to save him? If
that's true? Why?
I have so many questions to which I may never have answers.
School totally sucked. I spent the whole day avoiding Lana and Chloe. Pete even noticed
I was acting weirder than usual. I can't tell him about all this. I mean the
girl of my dreams likes the other girl in my life. I thought it would be easy,
but every time I saw either one of them, I had to duck around the corner.
Eventually I ran into Chloe. I knew I couldn't make it through the day without
running into one of them. She'd been talking to Lana before she turned around, I
nearly slammed right into her. Yuck. Just thinking about our conversation makes
my stomach hurt. I don't even want to talk about it here.
This is so confusing. I hate it! I wish I had somebody I could talk to about it.
~~~~~~~~~
11:45p - Another day
Well this just totally sucks! I just wrote up all these feelings, and this
stupid program crashed. I am so angry right now.
On top of that Lex called me to his house in the middle of the night to show me
that he still has the car from the crash. He told me why, but I still don't get
it. Why can't he just be happy he's alive? I'm happy he's alive.
I told him he should just move on. I had to lie to him again. I'm too scared to
tell him the truth. I'm scared he'll hate me. I'm scared of what my parents will
do if I tell him. I owe my parents so much. If they hadn't found me in that
field, I don't know what would have happened to me. For all I know, I could be
in a lab somewhere, or worse, in jars. I can't tell Lex my secret because it
isn't just my secret. My mom and dad have protected me for so long, I
just can't do that to them. I know what they'll say if I ask them if I can tell
Lex.
What does he want from me? My feelings for him are growing stronger. He had
people look over the car. They told him there was no way the crash happened like
I said. Why would he do that? I know he's the type of guy who needs to know
things. He hates a mystery. Maybe I should stay away from him, but I can't. I'm
drawn to him. I can admit that much.
I hope he believed me. Because if he didn't, then I don't know what I'll do. I
feel hurt and kind of betrayed. I mean, it's his car, and I know he can do what
he wants with it, but why does he have to keep it?
I also went to see Cassandra again. She told me that my destiny was to save
people. Then she showed me some of the people that I would save. One of them was
Zoe a waitress from the Beanery. I saved her from the killer. Chloe thinks that
it's Harry one of the nursing home residents doing a time warp care of the
rocks. I just can't believe that no one hasn't gotten rid of them. They are so
dangerous to humans.
It didn't help that I had to be around Chloe and Lana. We were so busy trying to
figure out what was going on that we didn't really have any time to talk about
other things. This suited me just fine. I'm not really anxious to talk about it
any time soon.
The thing that worries me the most is Lex. I wish he would just let it be. I
want to call him right now, but I can't. I have this fear that he'll call me a
liar and hang up on me. It makes me think of those horrible dreams I was having.
~~~~~~~
9:38p
- I officially hate this
My mom just almost died! It was Harry from the old age home. I was so relieved
when dad and I saved her that I didn't even care that Harry died in a rain of
corn.
That was sort of pretty much my day. A few awkward moments with Chloe and Lana,
but I think it's getting easier. It's Lana's birthday soon, and I really wanted
to do something special for her. I don't know any more. I'll have to think about
it.
I didn't get to see Lex at all today. When I called, his cell went straight to
voice mail. The butler said he was out of town. I wonder where he is. I miss
him. I want to hear his voice. I actually called his cell a few times just so I
could hear his voice.
Chloe called earlier to check up on mom. We talked for a few minutes but I used
the excuse that mom needed me to get off the line.
I think I'll call Lex again. His butler said he'd be home some time tonight.
Maybe I'll go by the house and wait for him to get home. Is it stupid to miss
him this much? Especially after the car thing.
I keep thinking about it. It's a moment in my life that I would never change,
yet it's a moment in my life that has placed me front and center in the mind of
a very powerful man. I'm terrified. I can't tell my mom and dad. I have to
pretend like it isn't happening. I have to trust that Lex will put it aside just
like I said.
~~~~~~~~~~
10:50a - I'm worried
I went by last night to see
if Lex was around. He wasn't, so I hung out near the house out of sight. He
returned really late, but I didn't bother him since he looked so tired. I wanted
to go talk to him, but how was I going to explain why I was there.
I watched him through a window for a while. He looked so sad, almost like
somebody had died. I ached to go to him. I think I'll go see him later today.
Maybe we could play a game of pool.
I'm supposed to be in class right now, but I ducked into the torch office. I'm
still avoiding Chloe and Lana but I think I'll talk to them today. Separately.
~
10:52p - The talks and other things
I had the talk with Chloe. It was really awkward, and she seemed kind of out of
it. When I asked her if she wanted to talk about it she said no. I think I'll
see if Pete has more luck. Lana and I ran into each other in the hall. It was
kind of awkward. We ducked into the Torch office for privacy. She was really
nice about it. The worst part; it just made me like her more.
I stopped by to see Cassandra again. She was dead. It was her she saw in the
vision. When she told me somebody was going to die I think it was her she was
talking about. It totally freaked me out, but that's not the worst part. How
can't it be the worst part you ask? Well, Lex was there. He looked so terrified;
I had to follow him home.
I just got back from there. It's not good. He kept going on about how I should
stay away from him. How he's dangerous, and how he was the one who killed
Cassandra. She was really old. I mean ancient old.
When I first found him his hand was bleeding. He'd cut it, and even though he
told me it was an accident I know it was deliberate. He cut himself. I'm not
sure why. He said that Cassandra died because she saw his future. I think he cut
the hand that touched her.
I kissed him again. Only this time I didn't back down or run. I held him close
to me, and kissed him. It was terrifying. I was so scared, and then he pushed me
away and told me we couldn't do it. I refused to let him do that.
He asked
me to stay. I pulled him closer, and held him in my arms until he fell asleep.
God, he's so beautiful! I took him up to his room and watched as he slept. It
was the most calm and content I'd felt all month. He woke up briefly, but I
urged him to just get some sleep. He looked so exhausted.
I had a nightmare about the graveyard. Again there was no gravestone for Lex. I
think it means something very significant. I'm not sure what. Lex was better
after he'd slept. I was so afraid he'd notice how excited I was to be so close
to him, but either he was being very polite, or he was just too upset to notice.
I slept in the same bed as him! I didn't actually intend to fall asleep, it just
sort of happened. I was watching him sleep and before I knew it, I woke up from
the nightmare. I was still in the bed with him. I think I hurt him in my sleep.
We had a quiet dinner. I was sort of babbling about dumb stuff, but he seemed
interested in what I had to say. That is one of thing I love about him; he takes
me seriously. After we finished he drove me home. I wanted so badly to just stay
with him for the night, and make sure he didn't try to hurt himself again. I
know he cut his hand on purpose.
I wished I could have kissed him right there, but I know that is not a good
idea. My dad has this bad habit of showing up at the worst times.
I watched him go. He seemed much better than when I found him. I hope he is. It
hurt deep inside to see him fall apart. He's always so calm. I am really looking
forward to the Sunday movie date.
~~~~~~
12:03a - Sometimes I wish ...
. . .
that the world was my home. But it isn't. No matter how much I want to be a
human I'm not. I'm an alien. I don't belong here. I never will.
I play dress-up every day, and pretend like I belong. I have friends who think
they know me, but they don't. I have parents who raised me, but they are never
going to be my real parents. I will never know what my home world looks like.
And now, I think I can just take something from this planet.
Lex Luthor is not mine and he never will be. He thinks he knows me, but he never
will.
He would hate me if he knew the truth. He would never let me touch him again if
he knew the truth.
All my life I thought I could live with these humans. I thought I could be one
of them. I thought I could have what they have.
BUT I NEVER WILL!
Never. Every time I do something nobody else can, it reminds me that I am never
going to be the same as the humans on this world.
I wish I could open the space ship. If only I knew more about where I came from,
and why I was sent to earth. Was it an accident? Is my home world even there
anymore? Are my people out there searching for me? What do my real parents looks
like? So many questions.
I looked at the space ship again today. I kept thinking about why I'm here, and
eventually I went down to look at it. It's just a big hunk of cold metal, but it
protected me when I was out in space headed for my new home.
This home. Earth. Planet earth. I love this planet.
Invulnerability doesn't extend to my feelings.
I am so afraid of Lex finding out about my secret. I have to pull away from him.
I don't have a choice. What else can I do? I know I love him. I know I am in
love with him. I have never felt this way about anybody ever, and I don't know
what to do. It shouldn't be this strong. It shouldn't hurt this much.
I love him, but there is no way I can deal with the consequences of that.
~~~~~
12:29a - Panic time
I am sitting here trying to figure out when I turned into an ass. I mean I was
the one that asked him to go to a movie and then I turn around and cancel. I
made up a lame excuse about my mom and dad not wanting me to go out on a night
before school. It was a complete lie. I asked my mom, and she said it was fine
as long as I got home by eleven.
My mom and I talked about dating. She figured it was because of how I feel about
Lana, so I didn't correct her. She told me she doesn't want me to get hurt. I
guess that's what a mom is supposed to say. At first I asked her what she liked
a guy to do on a date, so she told me with this big smile on her face. She
seemed pretty excited about this new development. I wanted to ask how she would
feel if I went out with a guy instead of a girl but I chickened out.
I'm back. I called Lex.
He was drunk. We talked and I confessed that I had lied earlier about why I
couldn't go to the movies with him. He was nice about it but I could tell he
didn't like that I lied. We talked for a while and I told him how I really feel
about him. I got kind of confused while we were talking, but I think everything
is going to be fine. I asked him to give me time. I really need it. I need to
figure things out.
I told him I loved him. I actually said it out loud when he was awake and he
heard me. I think I had a panic attack after I hung up the phone. Oh god! What
the hell am I doing? He's six years older than me. He's gorgeous, sophisticated,
worldly and, not to mention, a guy!
I'm just a country hick. What does he see in me? Oh gosh, I think I will panic
now.
9:11p
Mmmmm I am eating pumpkin pie right now. I saw Lex today. He was so hot, but I
controlled myself around him. I was a good boy. We just flirted a lot, and he
was so amazing. *sigh*
More later. I still have a ton of homework, and a ton of chores to do. Plus Pete
is supposed to call. He's been going on and on about this really nice girl Jodie
from school. She's so sweet and kind of shy. I saw the way he looked at her in
class today. It was great to see him get all flustered when she walked by. I am
so happy for my friend. When Lana passed us in the hall she smiled and said hello.
Pete poked me in the ribs, and teased me. I just smiled and thought of Lex.
Off to clean some hay. :)
~
11:18p - Oh man
I'm blushing while I'm writing this, even though only I will read it.
Oh wow. I have to get this down so that I can be reminded of the day I came in
my jeans with Lex right there beside me. It was so hot and amazing. He was so
hot and amazing.
We played pool, and I didn't even care who was winning. He told me his dad had
been to visit him yesterday. I was worried since his dad and him don't really
get along.
I couldn't help myself. I had to hug him. Then one thing led to another, and
before I knew it we were kissing. I couldn't stop it; he couldn't stop it. It
was so hot and amazing. Lex is just so hot. He pushed me against the pool table,
and I thought for sure he was going to lay me down on it, but instead we just
made out like teenagers. I asked if this was okay, and he said yes. More like
moaned yes. It was so hot, and I was so hard.
Before I knew what was happening I was coming in my pants. I was so embarrassed.
But he was great about it. He didn't mock me or laugh or anything like that. He
held me and caressed my head. It was so nice to have him there. I've never been
with someone before, you know, right after I've come. I've always been alone,
since it was just me doing the touching.
I feel like I have this great big secret, which I guess I do, since we're the
only ones who know.
He was hard too but he wouldn't let me take care of it. I was really nervous so
I kind of just followed his lead. I mean he knows way more about this stuff than
I do.
After I left, I watched from a hiding spot as he sat down and pulled out his
cock. He was gorgeous, and I watched as he stroked himself to climax. He came
all over his shirt, and he moaned my name. It was such a turn on. I wanted to go
back in, and lick it all off just to see what it tasted like.
I am getting so turned on right now just writing this. I didn't think I could do
it, but since nobody else will read it but me, I feel safer. Thank god for
private posts. I know I will be making more of these in the future.
Well, I'm off to jerk off.
~~~~~~~~
11:02a - Just taking a second
Okay since I posted it as a
private post originally I can give a non R rated version here.
I did the deliveries yesterday and, when we were playing pool, I kind of fell
all over Lex. We made out against the pool table. He's so hot and amazing. I had
such a great time with him. He told me we could do things like make out, fully
clothed in case you were wondering, but that he would give me time to work
through how I feel about him.
I know how I feel. That isn't really what I need to think through. It's other
things. Like how to deal with all of this. I know we'd have to hide it from
everybody since I'm so young, and, plus, we're both guys. I checked out the
laws. He'd be in so much trouble if we did things beyond kissing.
I can also tell you that he has the smoothest skin ever. And he's got no hair. I
mean NO hair anywhere. (Except eyelashes and eyebrows)
That is totally hot.
Later.
~
11:12p - confusion
I am so confused. Today I
helped Lana with homework, and while I was over Whitney showed up. They talked about a
try out at Kansas State. They kissed.
I thought Lana was supposed to be dating Chloe? I don't get it. Why was she kissing
Whitney?
I'm going over to see Lex soon. I called and he wasn't home yet. It wasn't
really that exciting a day. School was boring. Pete talked about Jodie non-stop,
which is totally cool. It's so nice to see him happy. I'm really happy for him.
I'm off now. Later.
~~~~~~~~~~
5:21p
- Almost sex
Last night was the best night. I went over to see Lex. He was in bed already
since it was almost 11:30 pm. I kind of invited myself in. He didn't stop me so
I took off my shoes and socks, and climbed into the bed with him. He wasn't
wearing a shirt. In fact the only thing he had on were these gorgeous emerald
green silk pajama bottoms. I pulled them down, and got to see for myself just
how hairless he is down there.
I stroked his cock until he came all over his stomach. It was so sexy, and the
biggest turn-on Then as he watched, I licked his come off my fingers. I think I
totally shocked him. I was pleased that he let me do it to him. He looked so
hot. God, I was so happy. I started to fall asleep. Total cliché, I know, but I
was just so content.
I want to make him happy. I'm just afraid I won't live up to any of his other
lovers. I really like the
idea of somebody overpowering me. But at the same time I love the idea of
overpowering Lex. He's always so in control, I'd love to pin him down, and do
things to him. I'm going to have to do some more research to figure out what two
guys do in bed together. So far I've mostly just done some basic internet
searches on how to handle your first time. I'm going to try to find something on
line about gay first times.
I want to go over there right now, but I have a lot of harvesting to do.
~
5:24p - Lay me down
I went over to see Lex last night just for an hour. He was up having a nightcap
so we sat, and talked a bit about how we're going to take it slow. We kissed,
and it was so nice. I really like kissing him. That was all we did though.
I have so much work to do that I don't really have the time to write here right
now. Soon though I'll tell more.
~~~~~~~
1:19a -
I'm escorting Lana to her
birthday party. She stopped by to drop off an order, and since she told me
Whitney
wouldn't be there I kind of blurted out that I would take her. My mom was
standing right there. I figure if she sees me ask Lana out, there is no way she
will think I am into Lex. Plus I figure Lana isn't ready for the town to know
about her and Chloe.
Lana said yes, so I guess she doesn't totally hate the idea. I promised I would
make it this time, since I have such a lousy track record with her. I ran after
Lana after she left our place to let her know why I did it. She seemed cool with
that.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lex stopped by a while ago. He just wanted to say he was sorry he missed me
earlier in the day when I dropped off his produce. He left me a note. I have it
in my back pocket.
I told him about Lana. He was pretty mad. When I explained why I was going with
her, he seemed fine with that.
I guess this means I'm dating him now. I mean he pretty much asked me to be only
with him didn't he? It seems like it. When he kissed me the first thing he said
afterwards was that I couldn't get that on line. He's right. Plus, his kisses
are so awesome. It was kind of a possessive kiss too. Total turn on.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would use more exclamation points but that would be a very boring post.
My mom interrupted us while we were up in my loft. She didn't see anything. She
just yelled up to us from below. I knew she would come out because Lex was
there. She always does that. My parents have this thing, when ever I'm alone
with somebody up here, my mom comes out first. If we don't leave in five minutes
then my dad comes out. Parents are so devious. I was glad she didn't come up. It
would have been hard to explain me kissing Lex like that.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~
8:23p
- Why?!?
I am the reason Lex is bald! God, why does this keep happening to me? Today when
he came by the torch office he confided in me about how he lost his hair. I have
been waiting for so long to know what the story behind his most distinct feature
is. To find out that I am to blame: god it hurts. He claimed it was fine since
he thinks if it hadn't happened he wouldn't be who he is today. What can I say
to that? I hate those meteors so much. If only I hadn't fallen here. If only
people didn't keep getting hurt by it.
~
9:52p
- My life is one big Teen drama
So I have this talk to Chloe about Lana, and why I asked Lana to her party. She seemed
cool with it. We were on our way to animal control to investigate a dead deer
that she thinks Jody hit. Yes Pete's Jody. It was totally gross. Sometimes I think
Chloe has the lamest theories and sometimes I think she's just brilliant.
I'm worried about her finding out about me and Lex. I don't want anybody to
know. He's older than me, and if anybody knew, it might get him in trouble. I
would never do that to him. I need to think on this. I know we need to be very
discrete.
Lex stopped by the school today. At first I thought he was just there to see me. But he was there to meet Chloe. I wonder if he was checking up on me. He even
commented on me escorting Lana to her party. I reminded him that Lana and I are just
friends. I think he was putting on a show for Chloe's sake. She totally gave me
this ice look after he left. I explained to her that Lex understands I'm only
Lana's friend. I don't think she bought it.
Anyway, I did talk to Lana briefly in the hopes that she would give me an idea of
what she wants for her birthday. She told me about her best birthday ever.
Tonight when I was over delivering the produce for the party Lex and I talked.
He was the one who came up with the idea of what I should do for Lana on her
birthday. I was amazed that he even helped me out considering. Of course right
after he told me what I should get Lana he pinned me to the sofa, and kissed me
until my lips ached. Just telling about it here makes me hard.
~
10:06p - I hate my life
I'm not human and she doesn't know it. I know she doesn't know it, but to have
her say 'it's what makes you human.' God Nothing makes me human. Nothing ever
will. I look like them; I act like them but is that because I was raised by
them?
I wish Lex was here.
~~~~~
3:26p
-
Well, the party is tonight. I have everything set up for her gift. I hope she
likes it. I am excited about this. I really want to keep my promise to be there
for her. She just seems too anti-birthday. I would give anything to be able to
have a real birthday. I don't know when I was born, since my parents found me
abandoned. I wonder when Lex has his birthday. I should be able to find out
easily enough. Later.
~
9:47p
- Not again
Well another human is hurt due to the meteor rocks. I am so sick of this. These
people never asked for this, and yet Jody is now in a hospital because of what
the rocks did to her. I feel so sorry for her, but most of all I feel bad for my
best friend Pete. He was falling in love with her. I could tell by the way he
talked about her, and by the way he stared at her.
When is this going to end? My dad and mom can say it all they want. I feel like
I have to help these people since the meteors came here because of me. When my
dad tells me I shouldn't feel responsible, how can I not? If I had never come
here, this never would have happened.
~
9:51p - And again
I let her down again. I
couldn't allow my best friend to be killed so I went to save him right when I
was supposed to be going to the party to be by Lana's side. It doesn't really
bother me that much since I saved Pete's life.
Poor Jody. It turns out she has this horrible illness. Pete is devastated. We took
her to the hospital, and I stayed with him while they admitted her. He looked so
upset I just couldn't leave him there alone. I am so saddened by what happened.
She only wanted to be thin because she thought it would make people like her
more. The stupid thing is, Pete liked her just the way she was. She's such a sweet
girl. I know she didn't want to be different. Nobody ever does.
After I left him there with her, I went home. I tried to salvage my broken
promise by going over to Lana's house. As I said before, Lex helped me with her
gift. It was a fake drive-in movie thing with cartoons just like what she had
told me about.
I'm going to return the projector tomorrow when I go over for our date. I really
need to be with him, and explain why I wasn't there for her. I'm just so afraid
he'll think that I'll make it a habit, and one day not be there for him. I would
do anything to make sure that never happens. I just hate that I broke yet
another promise to Lana.
~~~~~
12:12a - Cheers and Chores
I had so many chores to do
today, I thought I was going to collapse. I think dad saved them all until
Sunday since he knew I would have the day to do them. I really like helping my
dad. I mean, he's not as strong as me.
First of all, I have to say that if it wasn't for the support and encouragement
of you people I never would have had the courage to pursue things the way I have
with Lex.
I had a pretty cool weekend. Lex and I went to see a movie on Saturday. He let
me drive! I was so excited. It was the coolest ever. If you have ever driven a
Ferrari, then you know what I mean.
We saw an old black and white movie The Big Sleep. It was really cool. Lex was
cool. It was really nice and relaxing.
After the movie he let me drive home. It was a nice night. I had a great time
and I haven't felt so relaxed with anybody in such a long time.
More later, since I am so tired I could sleep for a week.
~
4:09p
- Walking on cloud nine
I am so ecstatic today.
I just have to think about the weekend, how much fun I had, and everything is
perfect.
After the movie, we went back to the mansion, with me at the wheel of the
Ferrari. We played a game of pool, and talked about dating. When I asked if we
were exclusive, he said YES! I am so excited; I might break the keyboard because
of how fast I am typing this. He doesn't like to use the word dating, but it's
still the same thing even if he doesn't call it that.
It got kind of hot at the pool table so we took it upstairs. I had to sleep in
my boxers and t-shirt since I didn't have any pjs with me. He didn't seem to
mind.
I am kind of embarrassed since I hadn't done anything for a few days it was over
before it really started, if you know what I mean: at least for me. Lex on the
other hand; I had to use my hand. He was so beautiful. I told him how I felt
right after. I told him that I love him. I just couldn't help myself. He can't
say it back but we agreed that he would say ditto after I said the words.
I know this seems fast, but we didn't do anything else. After that, we fell
asleep in each other's arms. It was amazing.
We woke up together. I think he was already awake, and he might have been
watching me sleep. I hope I didn't drool or snore too loud or something just as
stupid. At least I didn't do that other thing I do sometimes.
This morning mom told me she's going to be at the Friday Halloween dance. I know
that its not a kids-only thing, its a fundraiser and everyone will be there but
still, I am already groaning about this. I mean mom at the dance; that just
cramps what little style I have.
I'm going with Pete in a few hours to see Jody. She's in pretty bad shape. I
feel so bad for Pete. I can see in his eyes how much he loves her. I just wish
things had turned out better.
~
10:31p - It's not as bad as we thought
I went to see Jody with Pete.
She woke up just as we were about to leave. Pete stayed behind to be with her. I'm
so glad she's awake. She still looked pale but better.
When I went to drop the produce off at the mansion, I talked briefly to Lex. It
hurt so much to see Jody so I couldn't help but feel down about it. He asked and
I told him what was wrong, and then he offered to make sure she gets the best
care. I didn't even ask him, but he just offered.
We kissed a bit. It was cool to be able to just kiss him, and hold him. He held
me too. I have to admit I like it when he touches my hair. It makes me feel
safe. I would never admit that to anybody. He is so warm and soft. I know a guy
shouldn't be described as soft, but he really is. At the same time, I like how
it feels, his strong arms holding me.
I have to figure out what costume to wear for Halloween. Lex said he isn't
dressing up. Too bad, I would have liked to see what he would wear. Speaking of,
he looked so nice today. He was wearing this real nice sweater, and his pants.
MMMM. Lets just say; hot.
I have to go. I have a lot of homework to do.
~~~
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
6:41p - Long day
I have to move to a new town.
We all decided we'd do a Wizard of Oz theme for the Halloween party. I swear if
they ask me to dress as the scarecrow, I will kill them! Pete and I are picking up
our costumes in a few days. He said he wants to be the cowardly lion because
that's his favorite character from the movie.
My mom thinks it's cute, with us living in Kansas and all. I just went along
because I have no idea what to be. Oh well, I could always go as Toto. That
would be a hoot.
Pete said he was going to visit Jody again tonight. I think those two are headed
for dating status, which would be so cool. It would be even cooler if she were
all better by Friday so they could go to the dance together.
I called Lex earlier to ask if he was able to do anything for her. He said he
was on it, but he wasn't sure since he hadn't found out anything yet. I wanted
to tell Pete at school today. Instead, I'm going to wait until I know for sure
what's happening before I get his hopes up.
Today when Pete and I went to the newspaper office the door was locked. It was a
few minutes before Chloe answered it. Lana was there with her. I'm pretty sure I know
what they were doing, and it wasn't the story they gave. Pete seemed to believe it
though he seemed somewhat confused.
I have a ton of homework again tonight. The workload seems to be increasing. I
think the teachers get a thrill out of it.
~~~~~
12:20a - Thoughts on life
It's hard for me sometimes. I'm so different, but I look so much like them. Most
of the time I don't even think about it, but sometimes when I'm sitting in my
fortress alone, looking up at the stars through my telescope, I can't help but
think about it.
When my dad told me I was from outer space, he gave me this thing. It's a
tablet. I'm not sure what it's for. I held it for a while tonight. It's weird to
know that these things are from my home world. I consider here my home. I've
never known any other place, and yet there is a world out there somewhere that I
came from; a world where I was born.
I was three years old when I landed, or at least that's what they think. I could
be three hundred for all I know. That would suck.
I've also been thinking about Lex a lot. He's become such an important part of
my life. I'm terrified he'll find out about me, but at the same time, I want to
tell him.
I watch him move whenever he's near me. He's so confident and comfortable with
his body. I wish I could be like that.
It doesn't matter. I know I can't tell him. Dad would freak out, and probably do
something very drastic. Sometimes I think dad just wants to hide me away from
the rest of the world and never let me out into it. I wonder what he would think
if I told him that I don't want to be a farmer like him.
~
8:21p
- Where do I go from here?
I'm so shocked right now; I just don't know what to think. Yesterday Jody went
missing. When I say missing, I mean she's gone. Pete went to visit her last night
only to discover that the hospital had discharged her. They wouldn't say where
she went just that she went to another facility.
I just found out a few hours ago that a man I will refer to as Mr. Big owns the
facility. He is Lex's father. Pete and I found out about it earlier today. When we
found out Pete took off. He was angry beyond words.
On top of that, Lana stopped me in the hall to tell me she would be there for me
if I needed somebody who understood what I was going through. What could I do? I
thanked her and told her if she needed somebody to listen, I would be there for
her. I think she suspects something about Lex and me. She wouldn't understand
though. I have no idea what I'm going through, and I didn't want to say this to
her, but there is no way she would understand. I mean, if what Lex and I have
done so far was to become public, even by accident, he could go to jail!
There is no way I am betraying him that way, I don't care how close I am to Lana
or anybody else in my life. If I haven't told Pete (who by the way has been my
best friend since I was four) I would not tell anybody else.
I know they entrusted me with their secret, but it doesn't mean I have to give
them mine does it?
Chloe helped us track down where Jody is. Sure enough, it's some company owned by
Mr. Big, and it's in the city near us.
I had to stop Pete before he did something crazy. I offered to help him get Jody
back no matter who was involved. The drive into town was strained. We didn't say
much. When we arrived at the building, we parked a few blocks away, and after a
little trickiness on my part we managed to sneak in (don't ask how). We stole
some cleaner's uniforms, and managed to blend in until we reached the room where
they had Jody.
The security guards almost caught us because Pete was so busy freaking when he saw
what they had done to her. It was terrible, and I hated seeing it, but I hated
the idea of going to jail more. So I pushed him out of there and we ran as fast
as we could. When it looked bad, I distracted the guards while Pete made it back
to the car.
The drive home was worse. Pete was so upset I had to drive, and I'm not
technically licensed to but what other choice did I have. We made it home safe.
I left Pete at his place, made him promise not to do anything crazy, and then I
ran home from there.
I'm staring at a fax that Chloe uncovered that shows Lex knew Jody was gone, and
did nothing about it.
I called him yesterday and asked if he'd found out anything about Jody yet. I
know he was the one who offered to help, but he lied to me. He told me he was
still looking into it. How could I have done this? I pointed her out to Lex, and
now Jody is in a lab being experimented on, just because she's different. I
don't know what to think.
I'm going over to see Lex about this. He'll have to tell me the truth when I
show him the evidence. I'm not going to be confrontational; I'm just going to
ask him why he didn't tell me about Jody being gone.
~
10:19p - This day just can't get any worse
After everything that happened with Jody and Pete, I went over to confront Lex. I
say confront because that is what I ended up doing, even though it wasn't what I
set out to do. I couldn't help it. By the time I reached the mansion, I was so
angry. I just couldn't believe he would do this to me.
He didn't deny it at all. He was concerned, and didn't want to worry me. I'm not
sure if that is the truth but it rang true when he said it.
I calmed down (with the condemning fax in hand), and then I noticed Lex had a
guest -- Bruce. I hated him on the spot. He's tall, dark-haired, and gorgeous. I
didn't like the way he insinuated there was more to his relationship with Lex
than met the eye.
After the jerk left the room, I couldn't help myself; I grabbed Lex, and kissed
him hard enough to remind him that I'm his boyfriend. When I asked Lex how he
knew Bruce, he admitted they had been intimate in the past. That made me so angry.
I don't know why, but I wanted to go up there, and punch Bruce out on the spot. It
was very irrational and completely uncalled for, but there it is. I guess I'm
the jealous type.
Half an hour after I got home, Chloe showed up. She pressed me to reveal what my
real relationship with Lex is. I just couldn't do it. She was so upset, I felt
bad because I had no idea what to say. She wants somebody to confide in about
her relationship with Lana. She said she hoped that I would be honest with her
since she was honest with me. She just doesn't get that it isn't about her at
all. I would do anything to protect Lex. Anything. He warned me. He hinted that
others would frown on what we're doing.
Chloe has a problem with not being able to show everybody around her how she feels
about Lana. She wants to be able to hold her hand in public, but I don't feel the
same way. It's exhilarating, what Lex and I have. I love the secret we only
share. It's . . . exciting. It's nothing like the other secrets I have. Those
ones terrify me when I look deep inside myself.
So I can't really relate to her. I love lying in Lex's bed, with the knowledge
that only we know what is happening between us. I love kissing him in private.
We still flirt in public all the time. I'm not as good at it as he is, but I'm
learning. It's fun.
In short, I am happy. I told Chloe I would be there for her, but I really don't
know what else to say. I also told her they could show how they feel in front of
me, as long as they don't do stuff . . . I kind of left it at that.
~~~~
10:02p - Just call me a coward
So I picked up my costume for
the party. The one Pete wanted didn't fit him. In fact, it only fit me. I'll be
dressed as the cowardly lion. Pete got the tin man. School totally sucked. My mind
kept going to that friend Lex has visiting. I want to stop by just to say hi,
but at the same time, he hasn't called me so maybe he doesn't want me around.
His friend was so hostile last night. I'm not sure why. I guess it's that Lex
isn't his anymore. Maybe I should stop by. Unfortunately, I can't even come up
with a good reason, not that I needed one before. Still, I don't want Lex to get
mad at me. I'm sure he didn't appreciate how I just barged in yesterday.
I can't concentrate. I have to go over and see Lex.
I hope Bruce isn't staying for the party. That would totally suck.
~~~~~~~~
Friday, October 24th, 2003
12:58a - Burn
I have never disliked anybody
ever before in my life; until I met Bruce. He is a pompous, annoying bastard.
I wish I had some kind of laser vision so I could burn a hole in his (something
I can't type here.)
I just got off the phone. I wanted to talk to Lex but he answered
instead! Who the heck does he think he is? I want to go over there right now,
and force him to leave!
There, I got that off my chest. Now I have to go to bed.
~
12:20a - The party was over before it started.
I hate dressing up. The costume itched, and I looked like an idiot. Everybody
else thought it was great. I thought I looked like a big stuffed toy. I just
wanted to be home as fast as possible. I stood in a corner most of the night
listening to Chloe snark on all the
costumes. It must have been so hard for her. Lana was there with her boyfriend.
I wished I could help her, but I had no idea what to say. This was the thing she
hates the most.
At least there was pumpkin pie, and no Bruce.
Anyway, I am so tired, and I need to take care of myself. (that way)
~
12:33a - Lions don't always roar
I feel so much better now that I jerked off. It was torture making out with Lex
in my history class, but not being able to come.
I feel so horny tonight. The party sucked so I tried to escape by going to one
of the classrooms. Fortunately, Lex found me. I was so happy to see him. We made
out on a desk. I think it was the one Chloe sits in. At one point, I stripped
out of the costume. The shocked look on Lex's face was worth it. I wish I'd gone
naked underneath it, but I know I never would. I'm not that brave.
I guess I picked the right costume after all. Lex didn't wear a costume. He wore
a suit that I wanted to strip off. The more I see him, the more I want - more.
Especially with Bruce here. I wanted to let Lex have me just so he wouldn't
touch Bruce. I know he won't, but I was so afraid that when his older friend
came to visit Lex would want something from him.
Bruce and he have already been there. And I have no idea what there is. I
almost told Lex he could tonight. I was only in my t-shirt and boxers and we
were alone. I don't know what to do, but I know Lex could show me. I mean I've
touched his cock. (still makes me blush to write that) but I want to do other
things with it. I read some stories on line where guys do things to other guys.
Maybe I need to rent some gay porn. I wonder if Lex has some. That seems forward
though. I think I'll just find stuff on line.
~
9:57p - boredom can actually kill
I am so bored. My mom and dad
went to Whitney's parent's anniversary party. I wasn't invited. Whitney still
doesn't like me. He gives me these looks every time I look his way. Maybe he
wants me. That would be funny. He is kind of hot. (I did not say that!)
I want to go see Lex right now! I am tired of that jerk being there. I have no
idea what rich guys do together all day in a mansion, but I don't want Bruce to do
anything with Lex.
I am going over right now!
~~~~
12:33a - feeling like a total loser
I just got back from seeing
Lex. I feel like I can't do anything right. God he should just forget about me.
I am so mad at myself. I mean he spent the whole day dealing with the Jody
thing. They got her out and she's on her way to a private hospital in another
city. Bruce helped. I didn't even thank them.
The visit went horrible. I shouldn't have gone over when he was still
there. Nothing went right. I tired to be all flirting and stuff, but I just
couldn't do it right. I was the one that suggested we go for a swim, but when
push came to shove I freaked. I guess it was because he was still in the
house somewhere.
I suck at this so much. Maybe I am in way over my head.
I told him I wasn't ready. I told him I thought that if I gave him something
more, he wouldn't want anybody else. I don't get it. I don't understand why he
wants me. I am so confused.
It was too much too soon. I think I'm going to go for a run.
~~~
10:29a - another day in paradise
I am so tired this morning. Yesterday was such a hard day. I woke up early and
did a million chores to get my mind off the last few days. I kept going back to
how I acted. It wasn't the best reaction to the situation, but I can't help how
I felt. I don't know where it came from; I don't know why I did it. I have never
felt this way about anybody. I don't know where it comes from.
My mom spent most of the morning baking so I helped her. I almost opened my
mouth to ask for advice a million times. But what was I supposed to say? I mean
I guess I could have just faked that it was about Lana, but I was just to afraid I
would slip up and blurt out Lex's name. (I can't refer to him as just initials
anymore) Then where would I be.
She did ask if I was all right. She did try to get me to talk, but I just told
her other stuff, like the fact that Lex helped me with that girl and then didn't
even tell me about it. I did mention Bruce but only by his first name. She just
commented that it was nice to see that Lex had other friends. I had nothing to
say to that.
I finally couldn't take it any longer so I took one of the pumpkin pies, and
told mom I was off to spend some time over at the mansion. She just told me to
be home by 11 since I had school tomorrow.
I walked over to the mansion. When I got there, he was in the gym working out.
It looked like he was working off a huge amount of frustration. I guess that was
my fault.
He didn't hear me come in since he was listening to music with headphones on. He
looked so good all sweaty and hot. When I inhaled, I could smell him, and it was
so sexy. (I have it so bad) He just smelled primal. How he manages to do that is
a mystery. I was half-hard by the time he noticed me. Good thing I had my long
flannel shirt buttoned up. It covered any evidence. After all, I wasn't there to
jump him.
We went and sat down to talk. Lex was still all sweaty. It was driving me nuts,
but I managed to stay calm enough.
I didn't even know where to start. I wasn't sure why I had done what I did. I
know it had to do with Bruce. He was so intimidating and so gorgeous that even when
Lex was telling me how much he cares about me, a voice in the back of my head
was telling me it was only a matter of time before Lex got bored with me. I
don't even know why. I mean he's proven repeatedly how he feels.
I guess I was carried away with the idea that somebody found me attractive. I've
felt like such a freak my whole life; it's hard for that to go away overnight. I
feel at a loss when he tells me how attractive he thinks I am. I've never had
that before (except of course my mom).
We talked for a while and it made me very uncomfortable. I just didn't know the
right words. I wanted to cry. I was so terrified that he would tell me to get
out and never come back, but he didn't. I wanted to hold him the whole time we
talked, but his body language told me to back off.
We agreed that we should slow down, and that I should be the one to pace things.
I know what I want, and I should not let anybody turn me away from that. Not
even myself.
I love Lex and I know now that he will be there, and he will not just end things
with me because. . .
I was so relieved when we finally kissed. It was the most wonderful kiss ever.
So beautiful and it made my heart pound. It was the first time where I kissed
him and it felt like something more than sexual. It felt emotional and spiritual
and so many other things I don't even know how to describe. It wasn't just
passion this time; it was something more.
This has become something more for me. Looking at Lex, after we talked, I just
feel different. For a minute, I could believe that he did want me. I saw it in
his eyes and that makes me feel different. I think it's because I'm feeling this
way about him that the thought of him with someone else made me so crazy.
God this just totally sucks, and it's not coming out right at all. I don't know
how to say what I feel. It just is and maybe I need to think on it more.
~
10:52p - Mad as heck
I just don't know what to do.
I thought I could trust him, but then I find out that while that jerk was
staying at the mansion he kissed Lex! I found out by accident. If I'd never
stumbled on it, (yes I read his email and i shouldn't have, but that doesn't
compare to what he did) Lex never would have told me about the kiss. All I could
think was that if it was only a kiss, he wouldn't have lied.
He said he was trying to spare my feelings. Right! How was that supposed to
spare my feelings? And Bruce was so smug, saying that I wouldn't understand. Of course
I wouldn't! What's to understand about that self-righteous jerk throwing himself
at MY boyfriend when he knew about me!
He slept with him, I just have the horrible feeling that he slept with him. That
e-mail implied more than Lex was telling. Lex says nothing happened, but god,
he's already lied before. How am I supposed to believe him?
I'm so upset right now; I smashed a hole in the side of the barn when I got
back.
DAMN!
He touched him, and Lex let him keep staying there.
I can't do this. I'm going to hit something very hard - right now.
~~~~~~~
2:01p - feeling like a fool
I've had time, and a few
broken - things since I stormed out of the mansion. I feel like a complete
idiot. I should have believed Lex. That other guy who I now officially
totally hate, is not the one I should believe. I know that, but what do I
do? I can't expect Lex to just say 'it's fine come on back to me.' I would throw
me out on my ass if I was in his shoes.
What do I do? Please help me. I need to figure out how to fix this, and I don't
have anybody I can go to. I have nobody to confide in except you guys. Even if I
can just get his friendship back that would be better than feeling like I just
hollowed out my chest.
~~~
9:03p - Nothing resolved and nowhere to go
I guess I have somebody to
confide in now. I didn't mean for it to happen but . . . I wasn't sure why I
told her. I guess she just made me feel like I could confide. She didn't push,
and she wasn't too shocked.
Maybe I do look gay; whatever that means.
I have read all the comments you've left. After all, I did ask for advice. Only
one problem; I'm too afraid to go over. I went by to drop off the produce but he
wasn't around so I left as soon as I heard he was in a meeting. He's very busy
so I guess I'll just wait until I run into him or something. I know nothing will
be resolved this way, but this is the only way I know how to deal. All my life,
whenever my dad and I have fought we just avoid each other until one of us talks
to the other. It's so much easier that way, but I know I won't be able to get
away with that when it comes to Lex. He's not my dad and I can't handle him that
way.
School was weird today. It felt like everybody was staring at me when I walked
by. I know it's just paranoia, but sometimes I feel freakier than usual.
After class, I went over to the coffee shop in the hopes that Lex would be
there, but he wasn't. I feel like a big idiot more and more each day.
When I think about the wording of the e-mail I saw, I realize I shouldn't have
jumped to the stupid conclusions I jumped to. The part that got to me the most -
let's see if I can remember it...
Things will be as they were, as if it never happened, and we can forget. That
is my wish. Also, I dare suggest that
Clark does not have to know.
It just makes me sad to know that if I'd never accidentally read this; I never
would have known what had happened. I know I have my secrets, but they aren't
secrets about lovers and they would never affect this part of our relationship.
Okay, maybe I'm not as over it as I thought. I need to see if I can call him
tonight, or I should just go over there. Mom has been bugging me lately. I don't
think she suspects but she keeps giving me these looks. Which totally creeps me
out since moms seem to know everything.
~~~~~
1:15a - groveling works
Well, it worked. I groveled.
I went over there unsure of what I was going to do or say. It was hard, the
hardest thing I have ever done. We talked for a bit, and then when I just
couldn't find the right words, I got on my hands and knees and crawled to him. I
crawled into his lap and begged him to tell me what I needed to do to make
things right. At that point, I would have done anything.
We know we haven't solved the problem, but god it felt so good to just hold him,
and be close to him. He smelled like home. I'm tired now. Maybe I'll write more
tomorrow. All I know right now is, he's talking to me again, and I just spent
the night on my knees.
At least the stress is gone.
~
10:56p - more of yesterday and some of today
Yesterday when I went over,
Lex was asleep on the sofa. I woke him and it wasn't easy. He was glad to see
me, but at the same time not thrilled. I guess that goes without saying.
We talked and I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the right words. I
tried, I really did. And then he told me he loves me. He said the words. The
ones he told me are hard to get out. When I said them back, he told me he didn't
believe me. That really hurt, but I understood why.
When I crawled into his lap, it felt so good; so right. I wanted to be closer to
him. I needed to be closer, and I have to admit, I was so glad when he said he
didn't want to talk about it anymore right then.
I also told him I didn't want to share him with anybody at all. Anybody!
And now, for the bad news. I saw Lex today. (Good part) He told me Bruce, and he
will be meeting a lot in the next few weeks for business. (Bad part) His dad
arranged it. I was cool about it. I didn't freak. I told him I understood and
then we kissed and stuff.
But the truth is
I hate it. Why does he have to do this? I mean I know why he has to do it but
still... He told me he wanted me to know right away so there would be no
misunderstandings. I get that. I don't have to like it, but for Lex, I will show
him that I have faith in him.
~~~~~~~~~
11:27p - Lana and other things
I spent the day with Lana. We
went horse back riding. It was great. I could be myself, and she seemed very
comfortable with me. It was nice to hear her laugh, and I had so much fun. She
told me that Chloe went to the big city. I told her about mending fences with Lex,
although I didn't give details.
I have to admit she looked really beautiful, and I think I stared a lot. I
laughed a lot too. She is funny when she gets going.
I didn't want to pry too much into her private life. She did tell me that for
Halloween they went to a grave yard and told ghost stories. Then they had a
picnic in an abandoned house. It sounds like she had a great time. I stayed home
and handed out candy to the little monsters.
I'm really happy for the both of them. A part of me thinks that it would have
been nice if something more had happened between Lana and me, but then I wouldn't
have Lex. A very big part of me is very glad I have Lex.
By the time we got back from the ride it was almost five. I had such a great
time. Lana is really nice. I wish we'd gotten to know each other sooner.
Now I am totally bored. I did my homework at least fifty times. I'm not happy
with the essay I wrote for history class. I think I'll have to do it again. I've
been hiding since I got back from riding. I'm not in the mood for chores. It's
given me a lot of time to think about everything that has been happening to me
over the last week.
I haven't seen Lex all day. I want to go over, but I know he has that business
meeting stuff going on. PR hasn't been around lately. I think I'll give him a
call tomorrow to see if he wants to do something.
At dinner my mom talked to me about how to handle it when you like somebody
'like that.' It was weird and made even weirder by the fact that my dad was
there too. It was hard to talk about it so I just mostly listened. I mean, it's
my mom and I know she's thinking of Lana. There's no way she would ever think that
I have turned my eyes elsewhere. I didn't correct her. I just nodded and agreed
with her. I asked a few questions in all the right places, and she seemed happy
with that.
At least they didn't give me more condoms. I haven't even opened the box they
gave me the first time we talked.
Anyway, I'm off to see Lex. He spent the day in the city, and I know he was with
the jerk so I think maybe he needs me to help him unwind. I know just what to
do.
I just went to tell mom and dad I wanted to go out. They were reading the paper.
I think I stayed calm when I saw the picture of Lex, and the jerk on the front
of the financial section. My dad made sure to point it out to me. I am staring
at it right now. They are shaking hands, and the jerk is standing too close to
Lex. I am definitely going over there now!
I will remain calm. I will not run to Bruce's home, and punch him out. There, I
vented. Bastard.
~~~~
2:04a
- Aftermath
I just got back from seeing Lex. It was great!
I found him in his office lounging on the sofa. I caught a glimpse of what he
was doing on his laptop. He has a journal. I only caught part of his name I think it
was tablo - then I alerted him to my presence, and he shut the lid before I
could see the rest.
I don't really want to know what it is; I just thought it was so cool that he
has one too. I wonder if he writes about me.
I was so excited to see him that I jumped him. It had been a long time; well, at
least more than a day, since I'd last seen him. He smelled so good, and we
started making out on the sofa. That is, after I pushed him into it. I couldn't
stop myself. I was so excited, and he was so excited. I almost ripped his shirt
off. Actually, I destroyed it I think. He didn't seem to mind.
All that kept going through my mind as I attacked him was that he was mine, and
that nobody else could touch him but me. Nobody! No matter what his stupid
father tried to pull.
We rolled around, and I went farther than I have ever gone. I let him pull down
my pants and touch my cock. (I am blushing as I type this) it was so amazing. I
loved it. I made a big mess, but he liked that. Then I flipped him over, and
returned the favor. I also tasted him. I licked him all over his chest, and did
this thing with his bellybutton that I'd read about. I know I left a few
bruises. I am upset about that since I don't want to hurt him, but not that
upset.
I was carried away at first because I kind of sort of left a few marks on his
neck where it's not that easy to hide. At first, I didn't even realize I was
doing it, and then Lex pointed out that they would be easy to see. When I
realized I was marking him, I found I liked it. Now Bruce will see them, and he
will know to back off.
I do trust Lex. I guess it comes down to not trusting Bruce. But I trust Lex 100
%.
We talked a bit about his meetings with jerk. I told him I trusted him. I really
do. When I went to leave, I said that I loved him. He said ditto this time,
which is what I expected. I know it's going to take a while for him to say the
words to me again, and I totally understand that.
10:40p - I will not....
Mom and dad are gone. They
went into the big city for a few days to celebrate their anniversary. They're
even staying in a hotel. Which I know means they're doing stuff they wouldn't be
able to do with me around.
I went into town after they left just to hang, and see who was around. Nobody
was. I was surprised. I hung at the coffee shop in the hopes that maybe somebody
would stop by. The only person I saw that I knew was one of the jerks that had
stung me up. At least he ignored me.
I ended up drinking four cups of coffee before I gave up, and went home alone.
Last night when I went by to see Lex, he mentioned something about tabloids. I
couldn't not look. The curiosity was killing me. I wish I hadn't. Right there on
the cover page was this big article about Lex, and the jerk. If you think 'so
what', well the article implied that the meetings were something more than just
business. Which I know isn't really a surprise, but isn't there laws against
slander. I mean they were pretty explicit about what they implied. Stupid media,
Stupid reporters, Stupid tabloids. Hate them all.
I'm betting some of you might know what I'm talking about now. That article is
hard to miss. If any of you do know what I'm talking about and have seen this
article, then I guess you've seen Lex.
There were pictures too, and in one of them the jerk had his hand on the small
of Lex's back like he was leading Lex somewhere. It also talked about this
impromptu party that they held. Lex didn't tell me about that. It was very
suggestive. I am keeping my cool. I am calm about it. I will not say a word, and
I will vent here on my journal.
So why does he have to keep touching Lex? I hope he saw the marks I left. (Take
that Bruce!)
On another note. MMMMM Apple pie. Mom made some today, and it was delicious. I
loved it. Yummy.
Now I have a trillion chores to do, and then maybe I'll stop by to visit Lex.
~~~~
10:39a - What do I do
I've ducked into the
newspaper office to get away from everything. Today, so far, hasn't been great.
On the way to school Chloe and Pete asked what I was planning on doing with my
newfound freedom. I told them that it would be cool to have a party, but that it
would be just a small low key thing. Just them and Lana.
Now for the thing that has been bothering me all night and all morning.
I'm really not very coherent right now so all of this is going to be a bunch of
whiny rambling complainy stuff.
I went by last night to see Lex. I dressed up real nice, and put on some of
dad's cologne. I wanted to be somebody he could be proud to be with. Somebody as
cool as BW. I figured since my parents are away it's not even really sneaking
over there. He was tired so I didn't stay long. I was hoping he'd ask me to
stay, but that didn't happen. In fact, worse happened. I feel so lost right now.
Those tabloid articles that have appeared in the papers have forced him to
resort to drastic measures. I know he's doing it to protect me, but I still hate
that he has to do it. He said he has to have girls around to show that he isn't
into guys.
He also said he didn't want reporters to snoop and discover me. I know he's
trying to protect me but still it hurt to hear him say that. It made me so mad
too. That these people force him to adjust his life so they won't write things
about him.
I hit so many things when I got home after leaving the mansion. I shredded ever
newspaper in the house, and then I did something I am not proud of; I called Bruce
and left a nasty message on his service. I never do stuff like this but I will
repeat what I told him here. 'You are doing a shitty job protecting my
boyfriend. If you had any brains you'd make sure those dumb articles in those
stupid tabloids never got printed. Jerk' and then I hung up.
Not my best moment, but I just couldn't help it. I can't protect Lex and it
hurts that I can't.
When I went to leave he kissed me and it felt so final; so desperate. I ran all
the way home.
~>
7:44p - Whoever said it couldn't get worse, lied.
You know when they say it
can't get any worse. Well they lied.
Not only are the tabloids filled with pictures of Lex with the jerk, but they
have this big article about Lex's past. I couldn't even stop myself from reading
it. Since I can speed read it's pretty hard. Once I look at something I never
forget it.
It said things about how it looks like he's getting back into the colorful scene
he frequented in his younger days. It also mentioned things about S & M. I sort
of know what that is, but I can find out more on line.
It's partly my fault. In some of the pictures you can clearly see the bruises I
left on Lex. I just thought he would cover them up. I didn't think he'd just let
them show like that. I didn't think somebody would get pictures of it.
On top of that Chloe who finally came back from the big city brought some very
candid photos of Lex and the jerk. I almost punched the computer screen when I
saw them. They looked like they were having a nice time. Lex looked happy and
the jerk was touching him in almost every single one of them.
How am I supposed to compete with that? I'm not into all that party stuff. I
don't' know. It's just so confusing.
~~~~~
9:41a - busy night
I am so tired. I spent almost
all of last night at the hospital. An old friend of the family is real sick. He
hid out in our barn last night, and that is where Lana and Whitney found him.
Almost the whole town showed for the little party I had. The house was in
shambles when I got home this morning, and mom and dad had come back from the
city early. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to clean up before they saw the
mess. Even I'm not fast enough for that.
The party sucked. First of all, Lex got me fireworks. Which was cool, but not
wanted. The worst was the fact that he actual brought a date. Some girl who I
hope I never see again. I know he wants to keep up appearances but why would he
have to do that at a high school kid's party? It's not like there was any media
there.
I pulled him aside and we talked. It didn't go very well. I was too upset about
everything else around me, and on top of that he does this. I couldn't take it.
I yelled at him for something that was my fault. I know, not cool, but I was
just so upset. In those tabloid articles they talked about Lex's penchant for
screwing people over, and then moving on to the next person. I couldn't help but
wonder if he would do that to me, and also if he'd get bored of me.
Unfortunately, I had to wonder out loud. I don't even care that he was
disappointed in the fact that I had looked at those articles. That wasn't even
the point. I'm not stupid I know they can't lie all the time in the papers.
Otherwise the lawsuits would put them out of business.
After the fight with Lex, Chloe pulled me aside. We had a nice talk. At first I
wasn't up for it, but then I saw that she was upset so I decided to calm down
and spend some time with her. We didn't get a chance to talk after she got back
from down town. She doesn't like the jerk either. Which made me immensely happy.
She spent most of her time in town chasing Lex and the jerk. She told me the
pictures she had on her computer were for her cousin (who sounds very annoying
btw). She also said she wasn't going to use them for anything. It was really
nice to just talk like that. It cheered me up. I have to remember that I have
friends, and that they care about me.
I have to go. We're going on a class trip to the crap factory. I hope I don't
see Lex. I really don't want to right now. The chances of that happening are
pretty slim since I highly doubt that a class trip is a high priority. I think
Chloe's dad is showing us around. More later.
5:45p - Panic attack
I just finished talking to my
mom and dad. They want me to stay in, but I wish I could go see if Lex is all
right. It's been another harrowing day.
The most horrible experience in the world has to be watching somebody you love
dangle fifty feet above a concrete floor from a scaffold, which could break at
any second. I almost lost Lex today, and I am not ashamed to say that when I got
home, and the reality of the situation hit me I cried.
The friend I talked about earlier who I said was sick came down to the plant,
and held my class hostage. It was so scary. When I tried to talk to him, he just
wouldn't listen.
Lex was so brave. I was in total awe of how he came in, and tried to negotiate
with my friend. Then he did something so heroic, I will never forget it as long
as I live. He exchanged himself as a hostage for the whole class! I think I
loved him in that moment more than I have ever loved anybody else.
He told me to get out too, but I couldn't leave him there. I had to do
something. The plant was going to blow up. God I'm crying again just thinking
about it. When you're in a harrowing situation, you don't think you just act,
but afterwards, when you realize what could have happened, it's terrifying.
When I found what my friend was looking for, he took Lex down to show him. I
know Lex was just as shocked as I was that my friend had been telling the truth
all along. I wouldn't put it past Lex's father to lie to his own son.
My friend shook the scaffolding loose, and my heart almost stopped as I watched
them dangle. I had to get past my own fears, and my own feeling of nausea. When
I pulled them up, and had Lex in my arms I was so relieved I wanted to kiss him,
but obviously, that wasn't the right time.
I don't even know where I found the strength to pull two grown men up. I just
knew one thing; I couldn't let them die. Most of all, I couldn't let Lex die.
After it was all over, I was so glad to see my mom and dad. In the end, the
plant didn't blow up, and I only caught a brief glimpse of Lex as his father
hugged him close. I was so glad to see that Lex wasn't alone. I wanted to go
over and talk to him, but the media was there, and mom and dad wanted to get
home.
Now I'm staring at the TV screen (the news reports on what happened are running
almost nonstop here) wishing I could go to him. I will go to him, but I want to
give him some time to recover. His dad is with him. I'm sure he needs time with
his dad just as I need time with my mom and dad.
~~~~~~
12:03a - Holy shit and fuck
This is only for me so I can just let loose. Big time!
I will never forget the image of some guy on top of Lex having sex with him.
A stranger who looked a lot like me was fucking him. I froze, and just stared at
them. My mind just snapped. All I kept thinking was that it was supposed to be
me above Lex. I wanted it to be me. It lasted only seconds but it seemed like an
eternity.
This was not how I wanted to see Lex naked for the first time.
I have to say, I'm surprised to find out that Lex likes to be the bottom.
My brain needs to be scrubbed right now!
~
12:23a - That image is forever burned into my brain
I just got back from Lex's house. I took my time getting there in the hopes that
I would find the words to tell him how I feel. I wish I had called first.
I will never forget what I found. He was busy, to say the least. I walked in on
the end of him having sex with some guy. They were in the middle of the floor in
his sitting room. The door wasn't even locked. I wish it had been. The first
thing I thought was what the heck; the second thing was who the hell is this
guy? After that, I pretty much freaked and ran out of the room. I didn't go far
because I just couldn't think straight.
Before I found them, I was in the
Troy room thinking, so I went back there and sat in the
dark.
It's funny but you'd think this would make me run as far away as possible from
Lex, but I didn't even think about that at the time. All I could think about was
how glad I was that Lex was all right. I know. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I
could have lost him forever the other day at the plant.
I feel partly responsible for what happened. The other night at the party, I
said something that could easily be interpreted as a break-up. He asked me what
I wanted from him. I told him nothing, and walked away.
When he finally found me in the
Troy room after I left him with his date, he explained what had
happened. He thought I was never coming back. He thought that because I didn't
go see him after the incident at the plant, and because of what I said to him at
the party, that I had dumped him.
I wish I'd gone to see him sooner. It doesn't really matter now. After he sent
the guy packing, and showered, we went up to his room. I held him in my arms for
a while. I told him I loved him. I told him I didn't care about what I saw, and
I told him I want to be with him, but that it would have to be different.
(Admittedly, every time he winced from the pain, it sent a streak of jealousy
coursing through me)
I don't think I'm up for anything sex-like for a long while.
I left him asleep in his bed.
~
5:49p - Happy the man
I love long hard days where
I'm kept busy.
I spent all day today smiling like a goof. Everybody I know thinks I'm insane.
When I got home from school, I did my chores in record time, and then helped mom
with some extra stuff. She kept giving me these looks. Finally when I tackled
her in a fit of giggly tickles she forced me to sit down, and explain what was
up. I just told her I was ecstatically happy. I stretched things a bit
obviously.
I told her that my friendship with Lana was going great. I told her that Lex and I
had a fight last week but that we'd worked it out. She seemed convinced.
I told her I'm off to see Lex tonight to play a game of pool. She just told me
to be home by 12. It really means a lot to me that my mom and dad trust me so
much. Hm, I guess it sucks that I have to lie about the happiest thing going on
in my life.
Also, my friend Pete. He's been acting strange lately. We talked in the locker
room after gym. Total cliché, I know, but it seems to be the only time we have
together any more. I mentioned to him that I wanted to get together for a game
of B ball. He smiled and said sure and that was it. Then he took off, citing
some stuff he had to get done.
~
6:52p
- What I feel
Last night I told Lex I would have followed him to the floor if he'd fallen off
that scaffold. And I would have. Even though I know it could have meant my
death. I was so terrified that he would die. I didn't have my strength because
of Earl and the effects of the meteor rocks on me. I could have died, and I
really don't care. I love him that much. I know that I would do anything for
him. I'd even fall to my death.
When I was at his place last night, I cleaned up the broken glass from the
bottle I dropped after seeing him under that guy. I think back to that, and I
mean, it was easy enough with my speed to clean the mess, but now I just think
it was a strange thing to do. I stood in that room, and just stared at the spot.
It flashed through my mind what I'd seen. How could it not.
I have thought about it; about sex. I mean would I break my lover? I am so
strong now, and I get stronger every day. Once when I was younger; thirteen, I
was crying because I'd broken something. My mom told me that I would learn how
to handle my strength. She pointed out that if I could hold a pen and write with
it, I could eventually do anything just like a normal person. I didn't know back
then what I know now. Mom did.
I hope she's right. I haven't broken Lex yet but I have left bruises. I kind of
like that though. It says mine.
~~~~~
3:37p
- Ask a hard question
Last night was great.
We played a nice game of pool, and talked about nothing in particular. We did a
little bit of kissing, but I found it hard. Every time I kissed him the image of
him with that guy who looked like me popped into my head.
I don't think I mentioned this before, but the guy Lex was with looked so much
like me it was uncanny, and very creepy. I mean they were both completely naked
when I found them. Naked! It's not like I stared at them for a long period of
time. Unfortunately for me, I have a freakish memory. I never forget anything I
see or learn. Although my mom would argue with that.
I want to ask Lex about it. I really tried last night, but how do you ask if sex
hurts. I mean it looks like it would. Especially for the guy on the bottom. I
could ask my mom. She seems easier to talk to about these things. Of course I
won't say it's about sex with a guy. I'll have to pretend I'm asking because I
hope to get closer to Lana.
I think I'll ask mom today after school. She wants my help with some chores only
I can do. It shouldn't be too hard to ask since they already gave me condoms,
and had the talk with me. This will just be a fact-finding mission. Or maybe
not. Knowing me, I'd blush so red I'd explode. I think I'll just forget about
asking mom. She doesn't need to worry about me anymore than she already does.
~
11:53p - Who's calling now
I snuck over to the mansion tonight.
I had to. I needed to see Lex, and mom and dad didn't want me to go out. They
didn't even have a good reason. I mean, just because isn't a good reason, right?
So, I went over without permission. I don't think they heard. I waited until
they were in bed. I feel guilty now. I know I shouldn't go behind their backs
like that.
I just checked, and they're still asleep.
I'm so glad I went to see Lex. He was agitated tonight, and you'll never guess
why. His father. When I was growing up, like other kids, I just assumed parents
were all the same. Lex has issues with his father. I guess not all families are
perfect. I wish it could be for him. He deserves it.
I know one thing for sure. I will not sneak up on Lex again any time soon. He
was so startled when I did it, I felt bad right away. He was even shaking. It
was strange to see that. He's usually so calm and collected.
I held him in my arms until I was sure he was calm. Actually, I just like to
hold him in my arms. So I held him for a while, and soothed him. It seems so
weird to say that I soothed Lex. I mean, he's always painted as such a ruthless
businessman, and here he is letting me hold him in my arms.
It was nice to say the least. I felt so happy holding Lex. I felt like
everything would be okay, and that he was mine to take care of. Since the
accident I feel like we belong to each other. Like maybe all that has happened
so far was fate.
Like Lex said to me 'we have a future together' I agree with him now, and I
won't let anything stand in the way. It's meant to be. I just know it. Something
deep inside me knows it.
Now I need to take care of business.
~~~~~
8:44p - Nice relaxing day
Today was such a nice normal
day; I'd almost forgotten how to have one of those.
PR came by and stayed for lunch. It was so nice to have him here. I don't think
he's been over for a while. After Lunch we just hung out and shot some hoops. We
talked, well he talked I listened. He talked a lot about Jody which was cool.
The way his eyes lit up when he described his time with her; I could imagine
that my eyes light up that way when I talk about Lex. I didn't talk about Lex
with Pete though. I really didn't have much to say that isn't hard to explain.
The cool thing is PR told me he and Jody slept together. He left out the details
thank goodness. Not that I'm not happy for him, I just blush so hard when I hear
sex talk. Even now after everything that Lex has introduced to me. I can't help
it. I just get so embarrassed. He totally picked up on that and left it at
vague. He's so cool that way.
I talked about how happy Lana looks lately though I didn't tell my friend it
wasn't Whitney that does it for her. It was weird when I mentioned Whitney; Pete
got all grim, and asked to change the subject. I wonder what that was about.
Anyway, we had fun. He just went home at around 7 after dinner. He loves my
mom's cooking, and mom seemed real happy to have him over. I think maybe she
missed him almost as much as I did.
I wonder how she would feel about having Lex over for dinner. Speaking of,
somebody sent me flowers. I have no idea who they were from, but they were nice.
Maybe it was Lex, and he didn't want mom and dad to know. I just don't see Lex
as the flower giving type. Maybe the car giving type, but flowers - I guess it
could have been somebody else. What ever, mom told me to throw them out since we
didn't know where they came from, and they were kind of wilty. I couldn't tell
her I thought Lex sent them. That would not go over well.
Speaking of cars, I'm going over as soon as I'm done here. We're going for a
drive. I already asked my mom and since it's not a school night she said it was
fine as long as I got in by 1. I think that is the first time she's given me
such a late curfew.
~~~~~
10:07p - Just Drive
Last night I had the best
night ever.
I talked one of Lex's servants into bringing the Ferrari around. When I went in
to get Lex, he was lost in thought. He came willingly, which was nice. He looked
so tired so I drove. I took him out to a deserted area, and parked. The sky was
so clear, and the stars so bright, I wanted to share it with him.
I lay a blanket out on the ground. He seemed really startled by my actions, but
he joined me. I told him I wanted us to do something that was simple. When he
asked me why I'm so taken by the stars I told him that they take my breath away
just like he does. I'm not really good with romantic words and stuff like that,
but he seemed really blown away by it. I was so glad my idea worked out.
Then I tried to explain how sometimes you just have to make things simple. Like
a kiss under the stars. Simple. No talking, no analyzing, no trying to figure it
out.
It really bothers me is how he keeps telling me he doesn't deserve the things I
give him. Why should he think that? I feel he deserves it. I want to make him so
happy. I wish he would believe me.
It was nice to just watch him watch the stars. We made out, of course. I'm not
stupid. It was so wonderful. He's such a great kisser. Then we tickled each
other for a while. That was fun, and surprising. It was so nice to see him
relax, and just let it all hang out.
I also told him I wished I could protect him from all the things that hurt him.
I know I can protect him from some of them, but things like what his father has
done to him; it's too late. That doesn't stop me from wishing I could.
Then Lex told me his dad was mad at him for what he did at the plant. God what a
jerk. I mean, he leaves his son to die! How is Lex supposed to interpret that?
He sounds like the biggest jerk ever. I would never say that to Lex's face, but
I guess I can say it here. Why would any father want his son to suffer? I told
Lex I thought his dad sucked.
I made the mistake of calling myself a freak in front of Lex. Things got kind of
intense after that. It's just like my LJ name says; freak for ever. I can't even
explain to him how hard things have been for me. How different I am from most
people. My parents say that I should embrace my differences and that they're a
part of me. I guess they're right.
Lex hated hearing me call myself that. I changed the subject fast. It wasn't
supposed to be all intense. I just wanted it to be nice and simple so we made
out some more. Then I sucked the hugest hickey onto his neck. He was more than
happy to allow it.
He told me something that made my heart pound. He told me he belongs to me! I
was so thrilled to hear this. It made me so happy. I told him I love him. He say
ditto which is cool since that is what we agreed on. I don't mind at all. I know
that one day he'll say the L word again. and it will mean so much more when it
happens because I know he will truly mean it.
I was so relaxed that I happily jerked him off. That still makes me blush to see
in words. He looked so beautiful under the stars coming all over my hand. Just
before he came, I told him he was mine, and that I would always catch him no
matter what.
He drove me home. I was so happy I wanted to wake up my mom and tell her all
about it. I just went to bed and jerked off with the vision of Lex in my head.
He's so hot.
~~~~~~
9:51p - I will not look
The papers have calmed down. The stories seem to be taking a back seat to real
news. I'm ignoring them mostly.
This was a pretty typical day for me. Woke up went to school, did about a
hundred chores when I came home. My mom was in a real weird mood. I gave her a
hug and told her I loved her. She looked at me like I'm a freak. Well, not a
freak but you know what I mean. She was surprised but happy.
I delivered the produce today as I do every Monday. I couldn't stay long since I
still had a million chores. My parents are total slave drivers.
Now I'm being a good boy, and doing my homework. Go me. I need to take an apple
pie break. Mmmm pie.
Need to go for a run now.
~~~~~
11:03a - The whole truth
Telling lies comes naturally to me after all these years. I told a lot of them
yesterday. I had no time to write this out and something really big happened to
me.
(I will probably blush all the way through as I write)
When I did the deliveries, I said nothing happened, but that's not quite true.
Lex was very horny. He pulled me into his office, and locked the door behind us.
I didn't even have time to breathe. I was hard so fast it hurt. We started to
make out against his pool table. I grabbed him, and lifted him up onto it. It
got pretty hot. I couldn't help myself. He was just so sexy I pulled off his
shirt, and tossed it aside, and then he pulled off mine.
I jerked him off, which was totally hot, and then he pulled me to the edge of
the table, and sucked me off right there against the pool table in his office.
He got down on his knees, and did this thing with his tongue that gets me hard
every time I think about it. So now, instead of getting hard 50 times a day, I
get hard 100 times a day. He even deep throated me, which WOW, totally rocks. It
was so amazing! He blew my mind away.
He stopped sucking me off, which I wanted to complain about, but I was too
afraid he'd stop altogether, so I didn't. He stood and told me to look into his
eyes as he jerked me off. I couldn't even talk for ten minutes after I came all
over him.
The site of my cock in Lex's mouth was more than enough to erase the vision of
him with that other guy.
~
5:39p - What do I do?
My mom and Chloe suspect
something. My mom had a talk with me last night. She told me to come, and talk
to her if there was anything on my mind. She also told me she has heard me go
out late at night. All those times when I was going out to see Lex she knew
about it. I told her about the runs. I mean it's somewhat true. I did go for
runs some of those times. She doesn't need to know that almost all of them end
at the mansion.
I told her I was just upset over the fact that Lana is not available to me. I
wonder what she would say if she knew the half of it?
I wasn't sure what else to say to her. At least I know that she'll be there for
me for whatever. Maybe I could somehow find out what she thinks about being gay.
I wouldn't know how to that without tipping her off.
After that, Lana called. I couldn't believe what happened. Chloe's dad knows about
them, and he's cool about it! She has such an understanding father. The only
thing he's worried about is what would happen to them if people found out. We
are in a small town, and sometimes people aren't known for their
open-mindedness.
Lana sounded so happy. She was calling to tell me that Chloe wants me to confide in
her. I feel weird about this. I mean, I know I shouldn't have confided in Lana at
all. It was unfair to Lex and it was unfair to Chloe. I'm not sure how to handle
this. I'm not excluding her because I don't trust her. I didn't tell Lana over her
because I care less for Chloe. It just felt right at the time. I wanted Lana to feel
good.
It wasn't a complete lie when I told my mom about liking Lana still. I do, sort
of. It's weird, she's so pretty, and when I look at her, I want to hold her and
protect her. I know it's not the same with Lex. When I look at him, I want to
make him a part of me. I want to hold him and never let go. I want to know that
he is safe, and will always be there no matter what. I also want to kiss him and
do other stuff to him.
I wish I could figure out what to do. I'm waiting in the newspaper office for
her to show. Maybe by the time she gets here, I'll figure it out.
~~~~
2:23p - Going away on a strange day
Things with Chloe went well.
She showed up at the office just after I posted yesterday, which was around
5:40. She was tense at first when she saw me, but then I brought up her favorite
subject: the school paper. She seemed happy after that. We hung for a bit, and
talked. It was nice to be with her.
Things with my mom, however, did not go well. This time instead of sneaking out
I asked permission. She seemed fine with it, which is cool. She trusts me. I got
to the mansion to find Lex drunk. I'm really worried about him. He was drunk
because BW is coming by the mansion today. He was worried about how I would
react. They are fed up with the press following them everywhere they go so to
avoid them, they're going to be at the mansion. I'm fine with that.
I feel responsible. I mean if I wasn't so jealous of Bruce, and if I hadn't reacted
so poorly to the situation... I know in the end that Lex is responsible for his
own action, but I can't help feel like I contributed to his mood. Lex claimed he
always drinks.
He spilled his drink all over my back when we hugged which sucked since my mom
was waiting for me when I got home. I lost track of time too, so that didn't
help. Mom was really mad. She threatened to ground me. It's so humiliating. I
didn't drink. I would never drink. She even smelled my breath.
I took Lex up to his room, and we just sort of fooled around with no climax. He
was really playful and strange, so I just tried to keep it light. I didn't want
to sound like an AA add.
He's probably over at the mansion right now with Bruce. I'll call first before
going over. I don't want Lex to think I don't trust him.
I do trust him.
~~~~
10:52a - Hiding out
I just had breakfast with
Lex. It was so nice. We sat close together and had pancakes, eggs and bacon. He
invited me last night when I called to see if I could stop by. He told me I
shouldn't stop by right after my mom had been to visit him so I stayed at home.
I can't believe my mom did that. I know she's worried, but to go check up on me
like that ...
I suppose I should panic now. Mom is very perceptive. I think I might have
mentioned that.
Breakfast was great. Bruce walked in while Lex and I were kissing. He didn't say a
word, he just turned and walked out. I caught a look of something. Not sure
what. Maybe frustration. Or annoyance. I kissed Lex harder after that. I was so
overjoyed that Bruce saw. Now maybe he'll realize how we feel.
I don't trust him though. I hate that he's staying over at the mansion with Lex.
It's true he's in a separate wing, but still, I just don't trust him. I hardly
know the guy.
Maybe I'll stop by later tonight just to say hi to Lex and tuck him in. With Bruce
watching.
I have to run. I have a class to get to, and I am totally late.
~~~~
9:48a
- Stayed home from school today
After having a long talk with Lana yesterday, I did a few chores to burn off
excess energy. I never realized how upset I was about everything that's
happening until I talked it out. I really thought I could handle it.
The talk was hard. Lana told me Chloe is hurt by the fact that I haven't told
her about what's happening with Lex. She's upset because I can't seem to confide
in her even though we're supposed to be good friends. I told Lana that I wasn't
going to tell Chloe any time soon so she would just have to deal. Lana suggested
I tell Chloe that there is something going on but that I just couldn't tell her.
It seems odd to do that, but maybe I should.
I kind of blurted out that Lex and I are 'fucking'. I mean he did get down on
his knees, and give me a blowjob. That's fucking isn't it?
If my mom really suspects something, I don't know what to do. How do I make her
understand what it is that I am feeling? Some people have suggestion it might
help if I talk to her, but the thought makes my stomach churn. I'm not ready for
this.
~
10:11a - There's knowing and then there's knowing
That will teach me to go over to the mansion, and spy on Bruce. Last night I
just couldn't take it anymore.
He saw. He knows. I didn't tell him the truth about me, but Bruce saw. I went
over late last night, and sneaked my way into the mansion. Since he was in a
separate wing it was easy enough to hide in the room beside his. I x-rayed
through the wall and watched. I just wanted to see for myself that he wasn't
doing anything with Lex.
Everything would have been fine if it hadn't been for the burglar who broke into
his wing and tried to shoot Bruce. I didn't even think. I just ran in used my
speed, knocked the robber out, and jumped into the path of the bullet. When it
was all over I turned in horror to see Bruce standing there staring at me with a
look of confusion on his face. I didn't know what to say.
He saw me use my speed, and my strength, and he saw the bullet bounce off me.
Even if he didn't see it bounce, it wasn't as if I had a hole in me. The lack of
blood gave away the fact that it didn't enter me.
I'm calmer now, but last night I totally freaked. He didn't say a word except to
tell me to leave, and that he would take care of the robber.
I didn't go home. I went straight to Lex's room. I was afraid something might
happen to him. I didn't know if the burglar was alone or if he had a friend. I
told myself I was just making sure he was fine. He was asleep when I entered his
room. He woke up as soon as I slipped into his bed. It was so nice to be in his
arms. He pulled off my shirt and we snuggled. I was hard almost instantly. We
didn't do anything other than kiss a little, and touch above the waist. It was
nice.
Lex likes to snuggle. I bet that is information he'd rather not have go public.
I know about secrets. I've had to keep one my whole life. Another secret isn't
really that big a deal. I think that it's because I have to keep this one from
mom and dad that makes it so hard. I love my mom and dad and they have always
been such a source of strength for me. Never mind that I am probably the
strongest person (alien) on the planet.
~~~
10:54p - Last night and today
I went over to see Lex last
night. I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I've been feeling. About how
terrified I am that my mom will find out about us. He's convinced my mom doesn't
suspect, but he doesn't know her. She's got mom sense. I swear she gave me this
look this morning.
I've been doing work all day, getting ready for harvest. Some things already
needed to be harvested, but I guess the intricacies of farm life are probably
very dull. I'm sure some people on LJ talk about farm life. I bet there are
lots.
Mom made me harvest almost all the apples. On top of that one of the cows broke
the fence. This is the first time I've had a chance to do anything that didn't
involve getting covered in dirt. I only stopped because the stupid tractor broke
down again. Dad has to wait until Monday to get a part for it. So it looks like
I get a break tomorrow which is good because Lex has invited me to this gala
thing in the city.
It took some convincing, but finally my mom and dad said I could go. I called
Lex to let him know. He was fine with that.
Last night things were kind of weird at first. We talked. He told me his father
saw me leaving BW's room when I went by the other night. I didn't even know his
dad was there. Lex was disappointed in me, but we talked it through. I also told
him that I still have feelings for Lana. I wanted to be honest. I thought he was
going to break up with me, but he only suggested that maybe things would be
easier if I was with her. Less stressful.
I let it slip that I told Lana about us. Lex was livid. I don't blame him. I tried
to make him understand that she wouldn't tell, and that I needed somebody to
talk to about this. I think he understood. He wasn't happy about it but he
seemed to be okay with it. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to
tell another single person.
I guess that means Chloe will remain in the dark. I also told Lex that Chloe suspects
something is up, but that Lana has promised not to tell her. I'm sudden feel even
more pressure. Maybe I should call Lana, and stress to her how important it is
that she not tell anybody. Ever.
When we were finished talking, I got down on my knees. I wanted to return his
favor from earlier this week. He freaked, and told me to get up. I was so
nervous. I was building up to it all day, and then he just told me we should
keep it simple.
Stuff like this is what makes me love him even more. He was concerned that I
wasn't ready for this big step. So instead we did more rubbing. I was so hard I
thought I would explode when he touched me with his bare hand. It was so
amazing, rubbing up against his bare stomach. I came all over him, and then I
returned the favor. I was so tempted to bend down and lick. I already know what
he tastes like since I've licked his come off my fingers before.
After that I was hungry so we went to get some sandwiches and pie.
Oh and earlier on we actually played a game of pool. Just in case you were
wondering.
~~~~~
9:35a
- Early morning wet dream
I got to sleep in this morning. Since my mom, and dad are just hanging out in
the kitchen having some mom and dad time. (I can hear my mom laughing, and when
I peeked to see what was up they were getting all mushy yuck)
I thought I'd write down some thoughts. Last night I called Lana. We had a long
conversation mostly about Lex. She's so easy to talk to, and I can't figure out
why. Before I knew it, I was telling her stuff I would never tell my mom. I used
to be able to tell my mom everything as Lana pointed out, but I can't tell these
things to my mom.
I don't really have a choice now since Lex told me not to say anything to
anybody else. I told Lana about that. It got so serious and intense; I had to
make a joke. I'm not good at making jokes. I made a crack about how Lex beat me.
She really didn't find it funny. I guess it isn't.
Then she asked me if it hurt. She meant having sex with Lex. I told her that we haven't
had sex yet: Just the kisses, touches, hand jobs and the one blowjob. (getting
hard again) I told her I wasn't even sure if I want to have that kind of sex.
That's not entirely true.
I had a dream about it last night. I guess because of the conversation. I'll
have to thank her the next time I see her. In the dream, Lex was under me
begging me to fuck him. It was so hot I woke up in wet PJs.
Even though I told Lana that I wasn't even sure if I want that kind of sex with
Lex, (I will never get tired of that one) the truth is I want it. I think about
it; especially after seeing Lex with that guy. I want to see what it feels like
to be inside him, I also want to see what it feels like to have him inside me.
It seems like it would hurt, but then almost nothing hurts me. I have a pretty
high pain threshold. I just wonder if it would be more pleasure than pain. I
guess I'll find out one day. I can wait. For now, I'll just enjoy what we have.
~
11:17p - Wash bits of broken glass out of my hair
I will never forget what a bus going 60 miles an hour feels like as it wraps
around me.
I just came back from that gala thing in Metropolis, and I had to shower for
almost an hour to get all the broken glass out of my hair. On a happy note I
saved a dog, and a guy who was asleep on a bench. Plus all the people on the
bus. Nothing was hurt except my best jacket.
~~~~~~
12:20a - What the...
I just finished getting ready for bed. This thing Lex invited me to totally
blew. It was really not my style at all. Then he pulls this stupid stuff with
Lana. I knew Lana was going to be there, but I had no idea Lex was the one who
invited her. I wanted to yell at him right there for pulling that. He really
made me mad.
He made these stupid cracks about how I'd never get her if I kept running away.
I don't even want her, and he knows it. He's just getting back at me for what I
said the other day about still liking her. I hate that. I hate that he would
just do that and then act like it's okay.
Some lady, Victoria, showed up just as he was trying to explain to me about how
I should treat Whitney (Lana's fake boyfriend) like an enemy. He said I should
keep him close. It was so stupid. I have to wonder now if he said it so Victoria
could overhear.
I just made a crack about how close he would keep her, and as I walked away I
made sure to rub my arm up against Lex.
I went for some air, and when I got back Lex was still with her. She was giving
Lex these looks like he was her dinner. I felt awkward so I left.
I can't believe this. I just can't believe I have to go through this every time
'an old friend' from Lex's past shows up on his doorstep. I hate the way she
looked at him. I hate the way he just dismissed me as if I was just nobody.
He better not let her touch him.
~~~~~
12:02a - It's over
He cheated on me. He cheated on me with that lady from the museum. He tried to
tell me stuff about what his father expects of him. I couldn't listen and don't
you tell me I should have. God, I offered to give him the same thing and he
turned me down! And then he goes and lets her do it.
It's been such a shit day and then this to top it off. God I wish I could just
hide somewhere. I'm scared and then this happens.
That dirty cop who Lex says is very dangerous? He threatened me just a few hours
ago. I told my mom and dad and they said they'd take care of it.
Let me count the crappiness of my day.
1. Chloe is fired from the paper. Really her crap but I was having a great time
with her and then this happens. (Hey this LJ is all about me)
2. Dirty cop threatens me and man did I want to kick his ass to the next county.
3. I had to tell my parents I screwed up. Luckily they weren't upset at me.
4. Lex cheats on me.
Wow, oh yeah, that is a day I should do over.
Trying to deal here.
I broke so much stuff, when mom sees it, she'll freak. I don't really care right
now. I'm just lying here in the dark not caring about anything at all. AT ALL.
Tomorrow I will pretend to care.
She's at the house right now with Lex, who by the way told me he loved me right
after he told me he cheated on me.
I'm tired. I want to be somebody else. I want somebody to hold me. I want to
cry.
~~~~~~~
10:38p - Life just gets worse and worse.
Chloe and Lana are at odds because
the principal gave her job to Lana. I got caught in the middle of it. I tried to
make Chloe see the good side of what happened, but she just thought I was taking
Lana's side. Which I wasn't doing. I was just trying to help.
On top of that, I just came back from the city. That crooked cop tried to get me
to do something illegal, but I showed him. I wasn't in the mood for his shit.
I am so angry right now. I almost called AJL without even thinking. I was that
upset. Then I remembered. So stupid that I would forget that.
I feel lost and completely alone right now. My life SUCKS!!!!
There, I said it. Now I'm going to smash a huge amount of things.
~~~~~~
1:13p
- Have you ever wanted to kill a man?
I did. Today. That cop fixed it so my dad got thrown in jail for murder. He did
it because of what I did to him last night. I thought I could handle it myself,
but I know now that I can't. I have to tell my dad what I did. He's going to be
so disappointed in me.
I've never felt so much rage in my entire life. I really wanted to kill that
cop; wipe the smugness off his face. I shake just thinking about it.
Last night Lana, and I had a talk. Things are so bad between her and Chloe, but I
have faith that it will work out. I just know Chloe cares so much for Lana. That
seems to be enough for them.
For me, nothing ever seems to be enough. I always lose no matter how hard I try.
I just finished talking to Lana again. She's so easy to talk to. She seems to
understand how I feel. It's nice to have that. We talked about parents. We're
both adopted so maybe that's why she understands.
I feel like my mom and dad would be better off without me. For one thing, my dad
wouldn't be in jail right now. My mom wouldn't have to deal with this.
I have to go see my dad in jail, and tell him what happened. I have to tell him
this is all my fault. I've been sitting here trying to gather the courage. I
thought that if I wrote it here first it might help, but I don't think anything
will help. I just have to do this. My actions have consequences, and now I have
to deal with them.
I just hope my dad doesn't hate me. I hope he understands that I would do
anything to protect them.
~~~~~
12:31a - Dodged that bullet
So the cop took me to the city again. He tried to get me to help him rob this
place, but I ran the first chance I got. I left him there to get caught by the
police. He's probably in jail as I write this.
It's so freaky; I mean the guy shot at me and everything.
I'm so glad that's over. Now maybe he'll tell the police what he did to my dad,
and my dad will be freed. I hope so. It makes me feel so sick inside that
somebody like him even exists. I guess it's pretty naive of me to think that. I
mean, people can be evil. That just sounds so wrong.
I ran into Lex today. He offered to help me with my dad. He told me he knew the
kinds of things Phelan (that's the cop) could do.
I was so mean to him. Phelan told me that Lex has secrets. I know he has
secrets. Lex told me before this cop was the kind of guy who fixed things. I
can't help wondering what he fixed for Lex.
I was just so angry at him. I lashed out. I threw it in his face. After I walked
away from him, a part of me wanted to go back and accept his offer, but I knew I
couldn't.
My dad's still in jail, and now I'm sitting here alone, trying to sort
everything out. It's been such a long day. I wish I could go to Lex. I miss him.
I want to be with him so badly.
~
7:59p - Dad's home . . .
. . . and I think Lex had
something to do with it.
That cop is dead. I found out this morning. I can't believe this. I just figured
Phelan would give himself up. I never thought he would try to shoot his way out
of it. I feel weird about it. On the one hand, he made my life hell, but on the
other hand, I would never have wished for it to turn out like this.
Things with Lex are still tense. I realized something today; I put him on a
pedestal, and when he failed to be this perfect person, I held it against him.
I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel like the biggest jerk ever. I have to go
talk to him. I can't lose him as a friend. I realize now how naive I was to
think I could handle such a serious relationship. I'm going to try to regain
something with him; anything, I don't care what. I guess it's possible he could
throw me out. If he does, I'll just have to accept it and try to move on.
The thought that he won't forgive me terrifies me.
~~~~~~~
11:16p - The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is give up the one you love
I went to see him. I had to thank him for what he did. How he helped my dad. It
hurts too much right now to even write it down. I don't even care about the
other thing anymore.
All I care about is the fact that things will never be the same. Is this what
growing up is? Is this what love is?
He still wants us to be friends. I think with time it could happen. This is
better anyway. It's safer for everybody.
He said that it was a matter of who he is. I understand that. I should know
better than anybody.
I feel so numb inside.
~~~~~~
10:04p - This is what it means to be me
Stupid day. So boring with
nothing but farm work to do. I did it all in the morning. I don't want to call
anybody. I don't want to be alone. It's stupid. So I'm here like the big loser
that I am, trying to put into words the things I've been feeling over the last
few days.
Mom and dad went out last night. Probably to get away from me.
I did the same things today over and over again. I did them once, and then
forgot I did them. I found myself thinking I should call Lex to see if he'd like
to play pool or just hang out. I had to remind myself that he isn't a kid like
me. He doesn't hang out.
I had to bite my tongue a hundred times today to stop myself from talking about
AJL to my mom.
I hate my life. Can you say Loser?
~
10:07p - Alien freak
Lex thinks it's because of who we are that things can't work between us. He's
right but not because of our last names, or our life experiences. I'm nothing.
I'm nobody. I don't even exist as a person. I'm not human. NOT A PERSON! And I
never will be.
I'm not a human being. I look in the mirror. I stare at my reflection. I punch
the glass and pick up a shard. I put it to my wrist, and slice. NOTHING happens.
I do not bleed. I've never skinned my knee. The first time I felt reel pain was
the night I was strung up on the cross.
I can't be hurt except by a bunch of rocks I brought with me when I landed in my
space ship. Rocks that seem to hurt everyone they touch.
When I was growing up, I used to pray that nothing new would happen to me. That
the strength was it and then other things started happening. The speed, which is
cool, but doesn't help with the whole "not human" feeling. I run so fast I'm
nothing but a blur in the landscape. A blur to the rest of the world.
None of these things help me to be human. Or even help me to keep the illusion
in my head that I am human.
BECAUSE, I AM NOT HUMAN.
There is more to why Lex and I will never work. I know this. I was a fool to
ever get so close to him. The more time passes the more terrified I become of
what he would do if he ever found out that I have been lying to him from the
moment we met.
At best he'd hate me forever; at worst he'd make my life a living hell.
After all, I'm proof there's life on other worlds.
My parents are the only people who know about me. I've always wondered what it
would be like if somebody else knew. I have these fantasies about telling
somebody. It used to be Lana, but now it's Lex. Sometimes he tells me it's okay.
That he still loves me and that will never change. Other times he calls the
government, and has me taken away from my mom and dad.
It' not just about that, I know this. It's about where I am in my life. I'm not
ready for any of what Lex has to offer. I have to admit when I look at him I
want to own him. I want him to be mine. I haven't ever felt that way about
anybody before.
It terrifies me, and thrills me at the same time.
I lay awake at night sometimes, and wonder what's normal for my people.
No matter what, I am not a human male. This is so stupid.
One other person knows that I'm a freak, but I didn't tell him. He saw. I have
no idea what he thinks about it. I'm too terrified to ask. It seems like I'm
nothing but terrified these days. And it all started with the day my father told
me the truth about my heritage. It all started when I met Lex on that bridge.
~~~~
12:10a - What a horrible day
Well, nothing else could
happen to make the day worse. Great morning. Fell down the stairs on the way
down to breakfast. Yeah! That pretty much set the mood for the day.
Class sucked.
But the rest of the day after school sucked more. While I was doing my
deliveries, the truck went into a ditch. I had to push it out. It must have
rained last night since the ditch was muddy. I fell flat on my face, and ended
up covered in mud. I still had AJL's delivery to do and of course, the first
time I see him in a few days I am covered in mud. I had to go in to get the
check for the produce. I trailed mud everywhere. I don't think I left a single
spot on the carpet from the kitchen door to his office clean.
I wanted to look good. I was hoping he's look at me and want only me. Instead I
end up looking like a fucking shit farmer. Then I accidentally flung mud all
over his shirt. On top of that, BW is staying with him and I'm pretty sure I saw
evidence that they are having sex. Or that AJL and Vic are having sex. Hell, for
all I know they're all sleeping with each other!
I hate my life. God, and then when I got back Lana calls. She's so clueless. I
watched her and her fake boyfriend today at lunch. They were playing their fake
game of being boyfriend/girlfriend. The look on his face was not fake. I know
that look. He loves her. I tried to tell her, but I don't think she gets it.
~~~~
12:03a - Mom knows
As you can tell by the title, my mom and I had a talk. She knows about me liking
guys. It wasn't as bad as I thought. She was very understanding. I freaked when
she said that I might want to consider telling dad. There is no way I can tell
him. Just the thought sends my stomach into convulsions. Not that my dad is
homophobic or anything, he just scares me. I mean, doesn't everybody's dad scare
them?
When my mom talked to me she told me she wished my boyfriend and I could walk
down the street holding hands. I immediately told her I don't have a boyfriend.
I guess I should have told her that technically I still like girls. I didn't
really want to get into it right then.
This is so weird. She said she knows I have feelings for someone. I wonder if
she thinks it's Lex? She figured out that I like guys. Maybe she knows who. That
would suck. I certainly don't want her to go to Lex about this. What if she
does?
Now I'm in a panic. Should I tell Lex? I don't know.
~
11:42p - All you do is talk talk
I had to do the deliveries today, which means I had to see Lex. I didn't shy
away from it; I actually went looking for him. I hoped that we could maybe talk
or something. I didn't realize how bitter I felt until we started playing a game
of pool. I just blurted out that my mom knows about me. He seemed to take it
well. Then I told him I think she suspects I like Lex that way. He seemed
to take that well too.
He also seemed happy for me that my mom was so understanding. For some reason I
felt so angry, and I lashed out. I joked that I would tell my day over
Thanksgiving dinner. That didn't go over well. He actually paled. Which is
pretty hard since he's already so pale.
I really needed to get things off my chest.
He actually told me he was hoping I would get in touch with my anger. I almost
laughed. If I got anymore in touch with my anger the house would be leveled.
I can't believe how angry I was, but I really didn't want to lie to him. I told
him I wished we'd never done anything sexual. I know, it's so stupid of me to
say that now. Too little too late, but I can't help how I feel. I want to go
back, and have it that I kept how I feel about him to myself. I wish I'd never
kissed him that first time. But I did, and I have to deal. I have to live in the
now, and realize that it happened.
I think now that I told him how I feel, I can move on, and be friends again.
In other news, Pete will be coming over on Friday to hang and have dinner. We
haven't really had a chance to talk lately since I've been so busy. We talked
today at lunch, and I invited him. Of course he's very busy on Thanksgiving day
since he has a huge family.
It'll be nice to see him again. He's really been keeping to himself since Jody.
I hope he's okay.
~
10:55p - bottomless
I am so stuffed. My mom made so much food; I thought I was going to explode. It
was just the three of us so I don't even know why she did that.
I spent most of the holiday with mom in the kitchen and then the rest with dad
doing chores. It's not like a farm goes on holidays. My dad says that farmers
are the only people who never take a holiday. Come to think of it, my dad has
never taken one as far as I can remember. We celebrate but we still have to feed
the animals and milk the cows. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there
are probably other people who are working today.
I didn't talk to Lex at all today. He didn't stop by, not that I thought he
would, but I guess I was hoping. I thought about asking mom if I could invite
him, but then stupid me remembered he already has house guests.
It's so hard when I'm alone, and I have too much time to think about things.
Remember before how I said I have a perfect memory? It isn't helping. I keep
thinking of the things we did. I want so badly to just forget them. It just
hurts too much.
I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
~~~~~~
8:23p - fun day
Pete just left. He totally filled up on pie.
We hung out in the loft, and talked a bit about dating. He hasn't really done
any since Jody. I told him that maybe he should consider trying to get his life
back to normal. I hadn't seen him in a while outside of school so I thought it
was odd that he wasn't going out on his usual dates with his 'female friends.'
I didn't want to push him, but he said he couldn't stop thinking about her. I
understood how he felt. Sometimes it's better to just try to put things back to
the way they were or as close to the way they were. I'm not sure if he agreed
with me but I think he'll give it a try.
After the heavy talk which really only lasted about ten minutes (we are guys you
know) we went out to shoot some hoops. I lost two out of the three games we
played, but I had a great time. It was so nice to have him over. He talked a lot
about all his relatives, which was cool since I have no idea what that is like,
being part of a big family.
We've promised to hang out together more.
He teased me about Lana, which frankly I just let him do since it doesn't hurt him
to not know what's really going on. It's not like I feel that way about
her so I really didn't feel the need to get into it. Since I have the whole
weekend to myself I'm planning on doing some of the heavy work that dad has been
getting on me to do. Yeah fence-building. You'd think once you built them that
it was over, but no way. They just seem to need repairs every time I turn my
back.
My mom and dad want me to stay inside tonight with them. They're acting weird; I
have no idea what it's about. Maybe they're just feeling all thankful etc. I
don't think my mom told my dad about me. My dad didn't say anything; he just
told me how he's happy to have me as a son, and how proud he is of me. I think I
should really worry. My dad hardly ever gets mushy.
~
1:11a - Lost in another world
I wish that I could write,
I wish that I had some kind of inspiration. I want to be good at something. I
wish I knew how. I think about it, I try, and then other days I think that maybe
I should try harder, but I don't know how. I know somewhere in my head there is
the knowledge of how to put my thoughts into words, how to share what I'm
feeling, but then the words just won't come. I want to believe that other people
out there feel the same way so that I know I am not alone.
But I remember: I know this will never be true. I am alone.
~
11:05p - So tired
I didn't realize how tired
I was until I sat down. I spent the day trying to tire myself out. Felt like if
I stopped, I'd never be able to start again.
My mom chased me away after the tenth time of me asking if she needed my help. I
wanted to be useful. I wanted to be somebody she could count on. Only that isn't
true. It's other people who I wish could rely on me.
I've had a lot of time to think about things this weekend. It's all I've had:
time. My body aches, and itches to be somewhere else. A hundred times a day the
differences I know are mine display themselves. I choke on them, and wish they
would just go away.
My dad told me today that no matter what I'm going through he and mom are there
for me. I would be worried except he says this every time he notices me
'moping'.
I tried not to think about Lex, but it was an exercise in futility. I know for
sure there is no way I will ever tell my dad. I can't do it. I don't even care
about anything else, but what he'd do to Lex if dad knew.
When I made that joke about telling dad at the dinner table to Lex, I realized
after what I had said.
I think back to the expression on Lex's face, and realize only now that the
words must have cut deeply. I have never been a cruel person. I have never
intentionally hurt anybody, and yet I have done it to Lex a few times now with
words that I knew were venomous.
I spent almost all day being ashamed of myself for being so cruel and callous.
Lex deserves better, even if it is a woman he doesn't love.
~~~~~~~~~
11:04a - rain on my parade
I went by the mansion last night. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so alone. I
felt like tearing my heart out.
When I got there everything was dark, and so silent; like a tomb. I sneaked into
the Troy room. It holds memories for me already, and they are painful.
I sat in the dark waiting for something. I'm not sure what.
Bruce found me. I think I understand him more now. He surprised me. He's with
Lex but not since Lex is still fucking that bitch. I hate her, and I hate that
Lex is doing this. I saw the pain in Bruce's eyes. He hates it as much as I do.
We bonded over that. He was way more understanding than I thought he would be. I
have to admit, I went there in the hopes that I would see Lex, but I'm glad I
saw Bruce. I wasn't ready to talk to Lex. I think after talking to Bruce ,and
seeing that there is somebody out there that feels as I do, even though he isn't
an alien, I feel much better. That sounds so mean to say that I like for Bruce
to be like me, and feel like I do.
I told him what I am. He didn't even flinch. He took it in stride. I know he
won't say a word to anybody.
He told me about what happened to him when he was a kid. To have seen his
parents die right in front of his eyes: I wanted to hold him, and tell him I was
there for him. I guess that wouldn't have been cool.
After we decided to start over with our friendship I could admit to myself that
I find him very attractive. I think I was even flirting with him, though I don't
think he noticed. Or maybe he did.
Why do I always fall for the ones I can't have?
This is fine, since I know for a fact it will never go anywhere. I can still
fantasize about him though. Which I did last night.
I couldn't help it; I was hard when I got home. I felt a little ashamed until I
realized nobody needs to know but me. I jerked off to thoughts of him kissing me
and holding me and telling me he loves me.
Even my jerk off fantasies are romantic.
~
10:38a - Avoidance dance
I have put off telling mom and dad about what Bruce saw a few weeks ago. I know
I shouldn't do that, but it's been so easy to just forget it happened since
Bruce won't say a word to anybody.
I guess because Bruce seemed so understanding I let my guard down, and blurted
out about what I am. I know I shouldn't have, but I wanted so desperately for
somebody to understand where I'm coming from. I wanted Bruce to understand,
since he seemed to envy me so much. I wanted somebody else to know, and to see
that look of understanding in their eyes. Something deep inside told me that he
could give me what I needed. It's weird that the thought of telling Lex should
terrify me so much, and yet I did this. Maybe it was because of Bruce's
reaction. Maybe it was because Bruce is not close to me, and I didn't fell like
I'd lose something if he didn't understand. I'm not sure. I know that when I
said it I wasn't really thinking clearly.
I know my dad will freak. I have never just told before. I haven't been able to
get it out of my head why I did this. It's driving me nuts.
I don't even know why I suddenly felt I could say this to him. I guess it was
the heat of the moment, and the whole attraction thing. It felt nice to have
somebody outside of my parents know.
But then I have never been seen by anybody before. I think this is the first
time somebody in their right mind saw, and didn't try to kill me. All the others
who I had to fight only had the reaction of wanting to kill me, which really
wasn't connected to my freakiness. It just had to do with what they had become
due to meteor exposure. Which I still feel responsible for.
I think next time I will just tell them I'm a meteor freak or just not explain
it at all. Just shrug my shoulders and hope they can move on. Unless I have
absolutely no choice at all.
I should write these things down more, since it has really helped to clear my
head.
I have to bite the bullet and tell mom and dad. They might not like what I did
but I hope they understand why. Probably not, since dad will never let me tell
anybody. I have to own up to my choice though, since they are also affected by
this. Maybe if I ask Bruce to come talk to them, they would get a sense of why.
I doubt it. My entire life dad has drilled it into my head that I have to keep
it to myself. He will never understand, and I know he will hate what I have
done.
Maybe I should go to mom first, but then she'd just tell dad. No, I have to tell
them together, and hope they don't get a meteor rock to overpower me, and lock
me up beside the ship.
I could just keep going on and on, but the truth is I screwed up. I shouldn't
have told Bruce there was no reason other than my own selfishness.
I feel so guilty now. What if he does say something? Damn I am so stupid, no
wonder mom and dad don't let me make my own choices. I am too dumb for that.
I will NEVER tell anybody else ever again. It's just too
stressful.
I think I'm panicked here. I have to tell mom and dad what I did right this
second. Except I can't, I have gym class soon. I needed to get these feelings
down. I ran home during my free period, because I knew mom and dad would be out,
to think this out here on my journal. I have to run, but wow, I really cut loose. I need
to really use this feature more.
~
11:09a - work things out
Lex and I finally talked
things through sort of. It was really weird. I just wanted to move on with our
friendship and he kept bringing up what happened. I don't want to think about it
anymore.
He made his choice and I made mine now we both have to live with it.
I've been doing that a lot lately; making choices. Some of them not so bright,
some of them downright stupid.
The choice I made with Lex hurt, but I know now that I can move on and get past
it.
I think he can too.
After we talked, we had pie in the kitchen and that woman he's seeing showed up.
I mean, I know she lives there, but it was kind of icky to have her right there
in my face. And she hit on me! It was confusing since I did get excited by it. I
felt like I was betraying Lex by my reaction.
She made this comment about how BW must be tired because of what he and Lex did
in bed together.
I really don't like her at all. She looked like she wanted to eat me alive.
YUCK!!!
Moving along, in other news I think I'm going to concentrate on Lana some more.
Our friendship is important to me, even if I don't feel about her the way I once
did. I kind of miss her. I think I'll talk to her today see what she's up to.
See if she'd like to do something together.
~
11:24p - Somebody is doing nasty things at the mansion
I just came back from the
mansion. Somebody is trying to scare Victoria away. Not that I fault them for wanting
her gone. Chloe and I will have to look into that more.
I caught Victoria snooping in Lex's computer. I can't believe she would do that to him.
She's so ... I have never disliked somebody so much. I think I'll say something
to Lex about it when I get a chance.
I casually told Lex I'm going after Lana even though I know I have no chance. He
won't know that. After all, now that he and I are just friends it's not his
business what I do, and who I do it with. He encouraged me so I have to take
this to mean he's cool with the friendship, and those other issues won't come up
again. I hope.
I told Lana I'm going to help her with the blood drive. It should give me time to
be with her, like I hoped. She really is so pretty. I envy Chloe. It looks like
Whitney
and Lana are fighting. Maybe if he doesn't want to do it any more I'll be Lana's
beard. Then at least I'd get to kiss her.
Mom was really great tonight. She made it look like I'm after Lana in front of my
dad. She is just so amazing. I totally love her.
~
9:59p - So close
I just came back from
Lana's. We organized the blood drive and talked. It was really nice, and I was
reminded of why I like her so much. She's so amazing. When she talked about her
boyfriend I asked her not to. Then we almost kissed. I felt tingly all over when
we were so close. But her aunt interrupted. I know she doesn't like me. She
practically ordered me to go home.
Lana's aunt and my dad used to date a long time ago. I think she's still bitter
about it. Lana said she took whatever happened between them pretty hard.
I invited Lana to come by tomorrow night to watch the sunset. Maybe if it's just
us I'll get the chance to kiss her without interruption. Maybe then I can ask if
things are dead with her and Whitney. If they are I'll broach the subject of me and
her doing the fake date thing.
My mom did the deliveries today since I was busy helping Lana out with the blood
drive. It's a great cause, and her boyfriend wouldn't help her. He's upset about
something. Not sure what.
I didn't get to see Lex which I think at this point is a good thing. I need a
few days to clear my head. I thought some more about everything and I really
think this really is for the best.
Wish me luck.
~
10:35p - Just A Fool
I miss Lex so much. I wish we hadn't broken up. I wish he'd tell them to go
away. I hate them - I hate them all. Why can't I have him? I know it's not
because I'm a freak. He knows how much of a loser I am, and that didn't stop
him.
The other night when I went by to talk to him I wanted to kiss him so badly, but
I just couldn't do it.
Why doesn't he love me enough to give up the others for me?
Lana will never love me no matter what I do or say.
I'm not worth loving.
~~~~
10:00p - try to help a friend
I saved Victoria from drowning.
She was in the bath when it happened.
So V is now gone. Lex had her sent to the city until we can figure out who tried
to kill her. It was a person; I know that much for sure. Somebody who doesn't
like her. Not that that narrows it down all that much. I know Amy doesn't like
her, but then neither does Bruce. Or me, for that matter.
I had stopped by the mansion tonight to let Lex know that I saw his guest
snooping on his laptop. He told me he already knew. I couldn't believe this.
He's not even in love with her, and yet he keeps her there, lets her go through
his things, and on top of that this girl from school, Amy, has a crush on him. I
don't blame her.
He didn't need me to tell him any of these things. He already knew it all. He
told me Amy has a teenage crush, nothing more. Does he see me that way? I mean
maybe all this moving on with BW and V is partly because I'm just a teenager.
He's never said this, but what if it's what he thinks? I know I don't understand
his world at all.
As if this whole Amy situation wasn't enough, Lex lost his watch. Lex told me
about this watch he lost. His mom gave it to him before she died. He talked
about how she had it made just for him. I felt like he was giving me a piece of
himself. He looked so open, and young. My heart squeezed. I wanted to hold him.
I wish I was with him right now.
~
10:01p - Loneliness has a color
Lana showed up for the
sunset. I was even late because I was helping Lex out. I know she was just being
polite since she reminded me that she's still with Whitney, and even if she wasn't
there's Chloe… If I didn't have a stomped on heart before this, I do now. I know I
shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, but I guess I'm just a glutton for pain of
the heartache kind.
I just watched through my telescope as she hugged Whitney. It seems like everybody
around me has somebody except me.
I'm so tired. I just came back from the mansion. Jeff tried to hurt Lex. He was
standing up for his sister, Amy, the one who was crushing on Lex. The funny
thing is I know how she feels. I want to be close to him too. She stole his
watch which wasn't cool, but I've stolen things from him too. I guess this makes
me no better than her.
I feel so alone right now.
I have something I need to do, and mom and dad aren't going to be happy. I
wouldn't be surprised if they never let me leave the house again. Maybe they'll
hide me away after this. I wish they would. I just don't feel like going out
there again.
Just ignore the pity party. I have to go. Mom is calling. She wants to know how
things went at the mansion. She'll be glad to hear that I saved Lex's life
again.
And now I take responsibility for my actions.
~
2:00a - The talk
I finally did it. I talked to mom and dad about what happened all those weeks
ago when I saved Bruce, and he saw undeniable proof that I am not human. They
were not pleased, to say the least. Dad was horrified that I would slip up so
badly, and mom was very disappointed. I just sat, and let them blast me. I had
no way to defend my actions. I know I screwed up. I know I could have said
something else or nothing at all. I shouldn't have told him a thing. He's a
virtual stranger in a position of power.
After they sent me to my room, so the two of them could talk about it, I almost
exploded with the humiliation and the pain of knowing I had let them down so
badly.
I will never do that again. Upon penalty of death, I vow NEVER to tell a
living soul about my alien heritage.
Dad gave me his 'disappointed look', the one that hurts to see.
By the time my mom came up to talk to me about it without dad there, I had
drifted off to sleep. She wanted insight. I told her I had hoped Bruce would
like me that way. That I found him attractive, and I wanted him to find
me attractive. I don't know if she bought it, but there is no way I am going to
have her breathing down Lex's neck because I fell for the wrong guy.
She told me they still couldn't agree on the right punishment, but that dad
thinks I should be punished. I told her the guilt I felt was punishment enough.
Like all mom's she smiled, and said we would see.
I'm not afraid that they will do something nasty. I know they won't. The last
time they tried to punish me; it didn't quite work out. I'm willing to take
whatever punishment they come up with.
I just hope they don't ask for something like that I end my friendship with Lex
or Bruce. I want to get to know both of them better. Now that Bruce knows what I
am, I'd like to see how he acts. He didn't act any differently when we last
talked.
Maybe I could go to him, and tell him I only meant alien as in teenage
alienation. It's worth a try. I think I might do that, since it would be foolish
of him to believe in real aliens.
~
2:02a - Calling
Lana just called. She
thought I was going to hurt myself. I mean, I am down but hurt myself? I have
never thought of anything like that in my life. I did some stupid stuff growing
up, but doesn't everybody.
She was very understanding, and it really cheered me up to know that she cares
so much. She drops what she's doing in the city with her girlfriend to give me a
call.
I think I can safely say that this just makes me love her more; the way I think
I'd love a sister, if I had one. Or just a deeply cherished friend. She's such a
great person. I wish we'd become friends long ago. I'm real happy for her and
Chloe.
The best part is Lana has kept my secret about Lex despite the fact that it has
the potential to come between them if it ever came out. I know Chloe (who has been
very absent outside of helping me with some of the crazy stuff that has been
going on) has backed off for now. I just hope she never finds out. I don't want
to hurt either of them.
I think I should consider talking to Chloe about Lex. I'm going to think long and
hard about this. Since sometimes I just don't think these things through.
So much to think about.
~
10:45p - three things memo since I really had the most boring day
My dad gave me every
single crap job on the farm today. So I will not bore you with those details,
Instead I will bore you with this:
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. death
2. being left behind by everybody I love
3. Losing my friends
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
1. Lex
2. prejudice
3. hate
THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
1. How to play guitar without breaking the strings
2. How to talk to my friends
3. How to do complex math
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. blue flannel shirt
2. grey boxers
3. blue jeans
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. computer
2. pens
3. broken CD of Remy Zero (it's Pete's I have to get him a new one)
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Make it so mom and dad never have to struggle financially
2. fall in love
3. go into space
THREE WAYS
TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1. shy
2. smart
3. considerate
THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. some times quick to anger
2. can be thoughtless
3. don't think things through all the time
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1. adopted
2. farmers
3. not from here
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. hair
2. eyes
3. shoulders
THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. feet
2. arms
3. face
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU
1. I have low self esteem
2. I eat two slices of pie a day
3. I am terrified that I will never find somebody to be with
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. that's harsh
2. I'm sorry
3. Mom!
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
1. Africa
2. Moon
3. Gotham
THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
1. CK
2. Clark
3. no number three
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE OR HAD
1. CK
2. freak4ever
~
10:56p - I will never learn from lessons that I should
I went to see Lex tonight. I didn't even know what I wanted to say. Actually, I
did but I found I just couldn't say it. I wanted to beg him to take me back, but
instead we talked. I told him how lonely I've been. I'm just so bad with words.
I couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to say when I was there with him.
In my head it sounded so good.
He looked so vulnerable, so receptive so I kissed him. I needed to. I know
you're all going to yell at me so go ahead. Do it. I don't care. I feel like
crap about it already. I couldn't loath myself more if I tried.
I told him I loved him just before I kissed him. I told him that some of my
happiest moments have been with him. I tried to get him to understand how I
feel. How I still feel about him. I feel like I made a total fool out of myself.
After it happened, I wasn't sure what to do. He freaked and wanted to leave but
I begged him to stay. We talked a bit longer but not about the kiss. I was too
afraid to say anything about it. I was glad he left it alone.
On top of that, because I sneaked out to the mansion to see him, I inevitably
got caught. Mom was waiting for me. I told her I went for a run. I shouldn't
have snapped at her but I just wasn't in the mood to talk.
~
12:12a - where do I go from here
I had a long talk with mom
tonight. I lied again. I told her I went out to see Bruce. She told me I should
be careful since he is older. I pointed out it was probably a good idea to stay
on his good side.
I wanted to talk to Lex today, but I wasn't sure how. I screwed up last time.
He's with somebody else. Two some bodies actually, and I'm sure one of them
likes him a lot.
It seems advice is scarce even here.
I think tomorrow I'll just see if he'd like to play pool. That always seemed to
work.
I have lots of homework to do. I better get back to that. Since mom is yelling
for me to get it done.
~
10:52a - missed the bus
Yesterday I missed the
bus, which I do almost everyday anyway so it's not really a big deal. I had to
walk home from school. The interesting thing that happened was I ran into BW. He
stopped and offered me a ride home. I told him about kissing Lex. He was way
cooler about it than I was when he did the same thing.
I felt really uncomfortable, but I also felt like I should come clean. The guilt
had been eating at me since Monday.
When we got to my place after a nerve wracking but cool talk, my dad was waiting
for me since I had to do the deliveries. I introduced them. Dad was really rude,
and very short with Bruce. He glared at me with his 'we'll talk later' look, which
we did, and then told me to go do something. I figured this was so he could talk
to Bruce without me hovering. Bruce was really cool. He didn't even blink when my dad
practically told him off.
I haven't known Bruce that long, but I really want to get to know him better. He
seems like a very interesting guy. Very intense. Makes me think of Lex in the
sense that he's an enigma.
On a sore note, dad is really frustrated with me. He just doesn't understand at
all. Dinner last night was so quiet. I think dad talked to mom about what
happened.
I briefly got to see Lex. He was really busy when I dropped off the produce. We
only talked for a few minutes and he told me not to be a stranger.
I felt comfortable for the first time in a long time around him. He's such a
great guy. *sigh* No wonder I'm in love with him.
~
9:54p - seeds you sow
I'm hiding in my room
tonight since mom and dad are fighting. I can't remember a time when they had
such a huge fight. On top of that, dad has been riding me hard today. He's not
really being unfair so much as just a big stubborn mule. (mom's words)
School was boring. I still have homework to do. I can't believe how much
homework they send home. I mean the holidays are right around the corner. It's
just not fair. Plus finals are coming up.
Lana stopped by for help on the math exam. We concentrated on work so we didn't
really talk too much about anything else. Dad was really short with her when he
told her it was time to go home.
He lectured me just before I went up to my room. It was really annoying. The
only thing I hate more is that mom and dad are not talking, except if they have
to.
So now I hide. I can't hear them yelling anymore. This sucks, and it's all my
fault.
~
2:16a - What to say
I went for a long walk last night. I couldn't take my parents any more. I hated
knowing that they weren't getting along because of me. I wanted to go by the
mansion. It was my first instinct. To be honest, it was my only instinct. I was
hurting and I wanted to be with somebody who cares about me. Only Lex isn't
there for me anymore; at least not in the way that I wish.
He has others in his life. I sit here, miserable and all I want to do is go over
there, and tell Bruce to get lost. He may have been there when I really needed
someone, but when it comes to Lex . . . I want to tell Lex he's mine, and right
after that, tell him everything about myself so that we can build from there.
But he would tell me to leave, and go on hurting him and myself. I should have
just stayed with him. Maybe then I wouldn't feel this miserable.
I stopped over at Lana's last night. I just wanted to talk to somebody who
knows. I just wanted somebody to understand. I ended up talking about my mom and
dad and how they're fighting. It is all my fault that it's happening. When I ask
my mom how I can fix it, she just tells me to let her handle dad. She's always
in the middle of things. I hate that.
While I was with Lana she sort of got comfortable in my arms. It was purely
platonic. I felt nothing beyond friendship for her at all. But guess what, Chloe
showed up right at that moment. It was so late I had no idea she would be there.
I felt uncomfortable when she caught us in the hug especially since I had just
kissed Lana on the cheek.
Chloe wasn't thrilled. I don't blame her, but at this point, she really has
nothing to worry about. I only think of Lana as a friend. It would have been
nice if things had worked out. It would have been easier for me.
I went home after and just stayed in my barn loft. Mom and dad where asleep by
the time I got home, but I just couldn't be in the house with them. I'm sure mom
is wearing him down. He almost always gives into her when things get this bad
between them.
I just finished my homework after I spent the day doing farm chores. I used to
really enjoy doing them, but now, it's just tedious.
The whole day was tedious. I found half the time I itched to run off somewhere
far away, and the other hand I wanted to be with Lex. I should just go over
there and get him and force him to be mine forever. Jerk!
~
12:09p - I am never drinking again
I only had one drink, but that was enough. Yesterday I went out with Chloe and
Lana. We ended up going bowling. I kind of got competitive, and kicked their
asses, since it was me against them. I don't even know why I did that.
I had a lot of fun. I wanted to invite Pete, but he was busy. I didn't bother
asking them if I could ask him to come along. I didn't really want to go, didn't
want to feel like a third wheel, but it turned out fine.
Afterwards, we went back to Lana's place since her aunt was in the city for the
day. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were drinking. I said no
at first since I've never had alcohol before. (I know big loser.) I only had one
just to try it. I can't even remember what I had. I blurted stuff out that I
hope Chloe doesn't remember. I told her that I'm gay. She wanted to know if it
bothered me when they kiss in front of me.
That's when I just said it. I couldn't stop myself. I went on about Lex, and how
he should be mine. It was so embarrassing. Luckily, the effects of the alcohol
wore off and by the time Lana's aunt got home, I wasn't drunk anymore. She threw
a fit, yelled at me, and told me to go home, and that she would talk to my mom
about my irresponsible behavior. She blamed me for getting them drunk; claimed I
was a bad influence on them.
I ran out of there as fast as I could. I didn't even contradict what she said.
My mom is so not happy and dad? Freaked beyond words.
Anyway, I'm hiding out now since it's already all over the school what happened.
Pete actually believed it. I was so mad at him. Jerk. He knows I would never do
that. Instead, he jokes that I got the girls drunk, and took advantage of them.
I hate how rumors start like that. How the heck did people find out so fast?
I should get back to class. It's so annoying that guys who wouldn't give me the
time of day are congratulating me on my score with Lana and Chloe.
~
10:52a - Yesterday was the longest day of the year
I was never so happy to see a day end. Yesterday was hell. The fight at school,
which got me grounded by the way, and the whole taunting just pissed me off. I
don't usually get mad over these things. I brush them off, and move on, but this
time it was about Chloe and Lana so I couldn't do that.
The best thing to happen to me yesterday was that I got to see Lex. I told him
about the drinking and the rumors that had spread. He gave me the advice to go
and talk to Chloe, which I took.
I wanted him to hold me. I felt so lost. I think I hid it well, but I've never
been the subject of gossip. I had no idea how to handle it. I mean I wanted to
punch that jerk out for saying what he said about Chloe. He's luck I only pushed
him into a locker.
It was so cool to see the look on Lex's face when I told him I'd gotten into a
fight at school. It's as if he thinks I don't do normal teen things.
At least he touched me. That was the best part. I can still feel it on my arm. Then we played a game of pool. I only had time for one. I watched him when
his back was turned to me. He just looked so good.
(it fueled my fantasies last night. Now that I know how it feels to touch him,
and be touched by him, my fantasies are so much better. I want him back. NOW!!!)
In other news, Pete apologized to me (on the bus ride to school) for believing the
rumors. I told him it was cool, but the truth is it hurt to know that he would
think that about me. I thought he knew me better. He asked me if there was
something I needed to talk about. I told him about going to see Chloe to make sure
she was okay. I even suggested that maybe he could talk to her at lunch today.
Maybe try to make her feel better, laugh it off. I'm not sure if I should have
done that, but he hasn't really been around lately. He's always going straight
home, telling me he has things to do for his mom. I think he hasn't gotten over
Jodie. I don't blame him; they shared an intimate moment.
The talk with Chloe went well I think. I mostly just held her, and told her stuff
like how it would blow over fast. I'm not so sure, but nobody has made lewd
comments to me today so maybe the rumor that I'm not such a stud after all is
getting around. I hope so because if that would help the girls out, I would
gladly be branded a loser. I told Chloe that I'm gay. She was glad I finally told
her, and chastised me for not telling her soon. I didn't tell her about Lex. I
guess my first instinct is to protect him at all cost.
On the plus side, it's much easier to be near Lex than it has been in the last
while. I didn't realize how comfortable things were until after I left. It was
almost like before. I still love him, almost more than I can believe.
I have to get to class.
~
8:52p - Lana's FAKE boyfriend name calling
I have never disliked
anybody before and I always give people a chance. I find it so annoying and just
plain stupid that Whitney the jerk who still hasn't said sorry for stringing me
up in that field, would taunt me about the rumors. They weren't true; I said as
much, so what more does he want? It's not enough for him to make fun of me
behind my back, he has to tell me to my face that he knew they couldn't be true
since I am probably gay.
I hope Lana breaks his heart into a trillion pieces. Big jerk. Why is everybody
being such a jerk to me today?
Just venting here. I guess that's what this has become. I'm really sorry I just
have nowhere else to go some of the times, and isn't that what a journal is for?
To tell what you really think.
I suppose these are unkind thoughts. I don't know. Just because what he said is
true it doesn't give him the right to do that to me. I'm not proud of myself
since I had to say something nasty in return about how if he's such a man
himself then why is his girlfriend dating another girl.
And mow I'm worried about Lana and Chloe finding out what I told him.
~
11:41p - Long hard day
I just cannot believe my
day. First, the rumors have finally died down. I had lunch with my best friend,
and we talked. He said he asked a girl out on a date. I should call after this
to see how it went. He seemed like he really wanted to go on the date, but at
the same time, I think he was just putting on a brave face. I told him it was
great that he was finally moving on.
We talked about Lana and Whitney. I had to pipe up since he was trying to defend
Whitney. I
told him about the scarecrow thing. I told how Whitney picked me because he thought I
had tried to move in on Lana. He was not impressed, but I made him promise not to
say a word to anybody, ever. It wasn't as hard to tell him as I thought it would
be. I guess since it's been a few months, I can put it behind me. It was nice to
be able to tell my best friend.
Lana and I took Chloe horseback riding. It was her first time. She did pretty good.
The only bad thing that happened was when Lana was thrown from her horse. I heard
her scream, and when I went to see what was wrong there was this guy hovering
over her. Later on, the guy told me he was trying to help her, but her aunt
wanted me to tell the police he tried to hurt her. I refused. I wasn't about to
lie even for Lana.
We got it on tape anyway so there was no reason to charge the guy. He didn't do
anything wrong. Of course, everybody else was mad at me. After I went to talk to
the guy, I stopped off at the coffee shop to see how Lana was doing. Her FAKE
boyfriend taunted me about how if he'd been there he would have done something
about the guy. Big jerk! I wanted to punch his lights out.
At least Lex was there to keep me company. He has this way of putting things in
such a succinct manner. I got to talk to him today during deliveries. I told him
about telling Chloe about my sexual preference. He was glad that I have friends to
confide in. He did say he thinks she suspects that I like him. I guess that
could be true since she is smart. I just liked being near him. It was nice to be
that close, and look him in the eyes. He looked great. The woman he's with
was back in town. She smiled at me on the street. I was polite, and smiled back.
Then later on Whitney did go see that guy. Something happened, but I'm not sure what.
I have to look into it. The police arrested the guy, but he said Whitney attacked him
first. I have to find out the truth. It seems weird: off somehow. I mean, why
would the guy insist Whitney attacked him when Whitney claims the guy attacked him first.
That made no sense even to me.
I went off to eat, and call my friend. He did go on the date. They went to
see a movie. He said he might ask her out again, and then he told me he was
turning in early. He seemed off. I think I'll ask Chloe to talk to him. Maybe he'll
talk to her when he won't talk to me.
On another note, at least I'm not grounded any more. My mom watches me like a
hawk now. This can't be a good thing.
~
11:54p - It's official
My world has been turned
upside-down. We lost the farm! My dad signed it away to some guy named Mr.
Rickman who wants to build factories on the land. I just can't believe my dad
would do that. Mom is so mad. I have never seen mom this mad at him before. He
says he can't even remember what happened but he signed the papers. I asked Lex
for help, unfortunately he said it's an ironclad sale. Then he went on to say
that wouldn't stop him from getting every lawyer on his payroll to break it. I
could have kissed him right on the spot.
In other news, Lana is mad at me because I believe Kyle (the guy from the woods)
over her FAKE boyfriend. Kyle says Whitney attacked him first and the evidence seems
to support Kyle's claim. I hate to fight with Lana, but it's such a weird
situation. I just can't believe she actually had the nerve to expect me to
apologize to her because of all that's happened, because I didn't take Whitney's side
in this whole situation. I'm not mad at her, I just think she's blind to the
fact that Whitney isn't really as nice a guy as she'd like to think.
I helped Kyle escape from prison. Actually, he was already escaping when I got
there, but the cops shot at him so I helped him. I took him to the mansion. He
got shot, and was bleeding all over me. Lex called a friend of his who could
help out. I left Kyle at the mansion with Lex.
I wish I could have stayed if only to be near Lex. He looked amazing, but then
he always does. I always say that in here don't I? Oh well, I guess I'm hooked.
If I had stayed I would have avoided the uncomfortable run-in with Lana. Sometimes
I just don't get her. She just judges the guy without even finding out what
really happened, and at the same time just keeps blindly defending Whitney, despite
everything.
Anyway, I was thinking about going over to the mansion again, but I think my mom
would notice. I really want to go see Lex. I feel like I should explain myself
more to him. Try to get him to understand how I feel. I told him he's the only
one I trust, and it's true. I totally trust him. There are things about me that
I want to tell him so badly. I want him to know.
I guess I'll just do my homework and get to bed. I could always call him if I
really feel like it.
~
9:57p - Bullet-bruises
I am in a lot of pain right now. It hurts even to sit here and type this up, but
I am so confused I need to think this through aloud. See it in writing.
Lex shot me today. It wasn't his fault, and I know he never would have done it
if he'd been in his right mind, but it still hurts. It hurts physically, which
almost never happens, and it hurts emotionally. The look in his eyes when he did
it; I get a lump in my throat when I think about it. He looked so overjoyed. It
was scary. I'm scared.
I'm at home now safe in my room, and he's back at the mansion probably with
Bruce. I doubt he'd go to Victoria
about what happened. He was under Rickman's spell. Kyle said he won't remember
what happened. Rickman ordered Lex to kill me, and Kyle. Unfortunately, thanks
to the meteor rocks a handshake turned my best friend into my worst nightmare.
The hate in his eyes - I never forget anything thanks to my perfect memory. I
know I won't forget that look any time soon. The accusation in his voice, about
hiding secrets from him, will stay with me for a long while. But I'm not going
to let these things rule me. I know he wasn't in his right mind. I know it's not
how he really feels. I also know what I want from him, and I am determined to
get it. No matter what it takes.
I tried to get him to realize what he was doing but nothing I said helped. He
told me friendship was a fairytale. He said things I can't forget. I know deep
down inside he was under a spell, but the conviction of his words echo in my
mind.
I wish I could tell him the truth about me. I wish I could say the words: I'm an
alien. It looks so stupid when I write it here. I say it aloud, and it still
doesn't seem real. I still wish I could confide. Maybe the hollowness in my
chest would disappear.
I'm in too much pain to sit here any more. I want my mom to make it better. I
sound like a twelve year-old, but I don't care. I'm going downstairs to ask her
to make me some hot chocolate.
I blame this all on the stupid rocks. I hate those rocks. I wish somebody had
been smart enough to get rid of them a long time ago. If my mom and dad are
smart enough to get rid of them, why isn't the rest of this stupid town smart
enough?
I wish I could go see Lex.
~
8:42p - I told him
Lex stopped by this
morning to let us know that the farm was ours again. We talked about friendship,
and I moved in close to tell him that I want more from him, but that I'm willing
to wait as long as it takes, for him to realize we're meant to be together.
My heart was pounding in my chest I was so nervous, but I did it, and I feel so
alive right now. I feel like I could take on the world.
He smelled so good. It was great to be so close to him. I wish I could go over
there right now, and take him somewhere far away where nobody else would find
us. Where I could hold him in my arms, and show him how I feel.
Instead, I have work to do. My dad is very contrite. I made my mom and dad
believe that it was all Lex's doing that we have the farm again. I don't even
feel guilty that I lied. After all, they're the ones who taught me how to do it
so well.
Lana stopped by to say she didn't want to fight anymore. What ever. I didn't
really listen to her since I was still high from thinking about what I was going
to say to Lex. Oh, I pretended to care as much as I knew she wanted me too, (To
be polite too of course.) but I think maybe I need a few days away from her.
~
8:44a - Hanging with Pete
Last night I spent some
time with my friend Pete. We've both been so busy lately, but we decided that we
had to make time for our friendship. I felt bad. I mean, he's my best friend. I
didn't even realize how much I missed his friendship until now. Unfortunately,
Lana and Whitney were at the coffee shop (it's really the only coffee shop in town so
it's difficult to go anywhere else if all you want to do is hang somewhere with
that kind of atmosphere.)
I just stopped long enough to say hi to them; since Whitney was glaring so hard at
me, I thought he would puncture my skin. It was almost amusing. He was doing it
behind Lana's back otherwise I know she would have said something. It was all
good. She looked happy which was nice to see. I am happy for her. It's so weird,
I know things will never progress beyond friendship between us, but some part of
me still wishes it could. She's so beautiful, and so nice. I think about all the
time I spent dreaming about her, and when I see her now, even knowing what our
relationship is, I still feel a tiny stab of hope. I know I shouldn't since I'm
not her type, but I just can't help it. One thing I promised to myself was that
I would be as honest here as I possibly could.
On a good note, Pete seems so much better than the last time we talked. He told me
he's thinking about going to see Jody some time in the near future. I'm not sure
that's such a great idea. It might only make things worse. I'm considering
talking him out of it, or maybe going along with him.
I found out this morning that the woman staying with Lex has left for the
holidays, and she's not expected back for another few weeks. If Bruce weren't at
the mansion, I would throw myself in Lex's face just so I could be near him, and
maybe show him why I belong there with him. It's a stupid thought, but he's
mine.
~
11:22p - It a go!
I asked mom today if I can
invite Lex over for Christmas dinner, and she said yes. She said that it was the
least we could do after all Lex had done to help us. I told her all about how he
immediately offered to help without any hesitation. I am so happy right now!
I also asked if it would be okay for me to invite Bruce. She said it was. I feel
like celebrating right now. I'll ask Lex tomorrow when I do the deliveries. I
know he'll say yes, and if he doesn't, I'll just have to convince him. ;)
I spent most of the day over at my friend Pete's house, with Pete and his family. I
wanted to help them get things ready for their family gathering, and to spend
more time with him. He seemed so excited, and talked a mile a minute about
everything. It was so great to see him happy.
~
12:26a - Discovery
I'm so excited. I just never thought I would find this. I think I found Lex's
journal.
A while back I accidentally caught some of his journal name. I was surfing friends of
friends lists. and came across this journal.
It has to be him! In his last entry he talks about not remembering things that
happened to him.
It says --
still don't remember what happened, and I still have a very bad feeling
about it. I went to see my angel to find out the truth, to see if he knew what I
had done, if I had done anything to him. But my angel promises that I didn't
hurt him. He seems okay. I look into those eyes and I just want to believe him.
I don't trust myself but I do trust him. Even if...even if he's not telling me
everything...
But then...
I was trying to convey to him what his friendship means to me. How significant
it is.
And he...he said that he still wanted more. That he'd wait until I understood.
What we were meant to be. I could feel him standing so close. Heat from his
body. I...I wanted him.
But
I just wish that he'd understand. He's putting me in an impossible position.
He's so young. I'm so...me. We can't be.
And Bruce needs me. Bruce knows me. Bruce is real. Bruce and I are real. I need it to be real. I
need something in my life to be real. Still fairly fucked up, but undeniably
real.
Bruce needs me right now, in a way he's never expressed to anyone. Needs me to help
him with something that runs so deep that I can't help but be blown away by the
request and all that he has revealed with it.
Why do I feel like I am betraying them both?
It has to be him. I have to go read every entry. I can't help it. Wow! This
could really help me understand where he's coming from.
Woah! He's wanted me from the moment he laid eyes on me.
He says - I suppose it doesn't say much for my salvation that once my
breathing returned to normal my first thought was that I wanted to fuck him.
That totally made me blush when I read it.
Yeah! I am so excited by this.
My angel. Is he talking about me? I'm not an angel. I did fall from the sky, but
I am the farthest thing from a celestial being. And he trusts me. He trusts me,
and I lie to him every time we talk. I hate myself.
~
10:05a - I <3 Lex so much
I found Lex's journal. I know where he is on line. I read all of it last night.
He said he told Bruce that he loves him. I thought all along that it was something
he couldn't do easily. He never said it to me until we argued, and then it was
so hard for him to say it out loud.
I'm glad he has Bruce, but that hurts to read. I know from reading all his posts
that he does love me. He even talks about losing himself in me, which is really
weird. I had no idea he felt that way. I wish I could go back, and do things
differently. I wish I hadn't hurt him so much. I was so wrapped up in my own
pain; I guess I didn't realize what all of this was doing to him. I feel so
selfish. I never thought of myself that way. I think he's right about me being
too young. I knew this all along. I just wish I'd not jumped in so soon to
something serious with him.
I love him now more than ever after reading all these thoughts. He's amazing,
and so passionate. I have been thinking about nothing else all night. I couldn't
even go to sleep. I feel so confused and overwhelmed, but the one thing I know
is that I love him now more than ever.
I'm seeing him today to invite him over for Christmas dinner at my place. I know
he'll say yes. I know I can get him to.
I will have to stop myself from hugging him the moment I see him today.
~
12:21a - I invited him and he said yes!
It was so strange to be near him after having read his journal. I couldn't take my
eyes off him. He's so beautiful. I wanted to touch so badly. I wanted to hold
him. He needs me, I just wish I could tell him that it's okay, that I understand
better now. I guess I should wait until I'm older. It doesn't really matter
since he has Bruce. I can wait. Sort of.
(I have to re-read some of his entries tonight since I read them so fast last
night.)
I did get to touch him, but I had to restrain myself from pulling him into my
arms and just holding him close. He smelled so great. He probably thinks I'm a
freak now since I spent the whole time he was there staring at him. I tried to
flirt with him, but I'm pretty sure it was a bust. He didn't seem to notice at
all.
I'm going to have to think things through. I know I want him back; I just need
to figure out when and how. Maybe I'll just watch him for a while to see how he
is around me. See how things go. I'm not sure. Or maybe I'll just keep flirting.
Not that I'm very good at it.
I told mom, right after Lex left that he accepted. She immediately started
planning; dad just glared at me and took off in the truck.
I'm totally excited about it. I've never had Lex over for dinner. It's so cool
that my mom is behind it all. She's so cool. I have to help her all day
tomorrow. It's going to be a busy day. Plus I still have to get Lex his present.
It won't be a truck :) but I have something in mind. I hope he likes it.
~
11:47p - gift giving and holiday spirit
I spent all day running errands for my mom. She made more pies than I have ever
seen. It was torture to watch them go to other people. I did manage to snag a
piece or two of pecan though. I did it behind mom's back, but I guess she'll
notice the missing pieces. I don't care, I'll take the heat.
I stopped by and dropped everybody's gifts off. I still have to give Lex his.
He's so hard to buy for. What do you get somebody who has everything? And I mean
everything. There is nothing he can't get for himself. Everything I've looked at
I can't afford. Every time I thought I found the perfect gift the price tag made
it impossible. I got him something, but it's so lame. I hope he likes it.
At least dad is easy to buy for. I got him this funny black tie with dancing
cows on it. And mom gets a day at a spa. Dad and I pitched in and got it for
her. She really deserves it. She works so hard.
I stopped by the mansion. There were people everywhere, getting it ready for the
season. It looks really nice. Security is much tighter. I actually had to check
in with the guard when I arrived.
I wanted to spend some time with him so we could talk some more. I read his
journal again last night, parts of it anyway. He tells people a lot of personal
stuff. I was surprised, but then I guess since it's so anonymous he can say what
he wants. The comments, and his replies, are almost as interesting as what the
posts.
People encourage him with his relationship with Bruce. I wish I could tell them to
stop, but I guess that's their prerogative. They also encourage him to try me
again which I could totally go for. I feel much better about things with us.
Like today, when I saw him, and we sat for a few minutes to talk, I just stared
into his eyes. They have so much depth and emotion in them. I love them, I love
him. I want him back. I want us to be us again.
Maybe my New Year's resolution should be to seduce him. I'd need help with that,
since I have no idea how to do that. I'll have to think about it. Maybe I could
ask mom how dad seduced her.
Anyway, off to eat some more pie. Happy holidays everybody!
~
4:09p - Xmas at Pete's place and Lex
I spent most of the day
over at my best friend's house. His family is so big. He has a lot of brothers,
which is cool. We went for a drive after his mom got fed up with us just milling
around snagging bites here and there of what ever she happened to be cooking. It
was so much fun. Things seem so much more at ease between us. He seemed his old
self. After the drive we played some b-ball then had an afternoon meal. His mom
is a great cook.
I came home to find that Lex had posted again. He talked about what he got me
for Christmas. He even had a link which I did not look at since I love
surprises. I can't wait for tomorrow. I hung mistletoe in the hallway. My mom
asked who I expected to kiss under it. I turned bright red of course.
I'm still smiling after reading how happy Lex is about the holidays. It's so
good to see him happy, and I'm so glad he's getting along with his dad. I wish
he'd stop thinking about how I saved his life.
I'm trying to guess what he got me. He talks about the time I took him to look
at stars. It was one of the most wonderful nights of my life. I know that if
it's something connected to that I will totally love it.
Mom needs my help so I have to get going.
I know I already did this, but happy holidays again to all of you out there. I
hope it's everything you wished for.
~
1:00a - Mistletoe kisses
Lex is here right now,
asleep in my bed. Only I'm not there; I'm downstairs. We're snowed in, believe
it or not. Bruce is in the guest room. It's really late, but I just can't sleep,
knowing he's right above me. I have to sleep on the sofa tonight.
The dinner was great. Bruce was really quiet. He was very polite and everything. I
couldn't really tell whether he liked the gift I got him. I gave him a snow
globe with a Metropolis skyline so he'd always know he has friends here. I told
him that.
After the dinner we discovered that we were snowed in. It was very beautiful,
but Lex and Bruce had to stay since mom deemed it unsafe for them to drive home.
When mom and dad went up to fix up the guest room, and Bruce went off, I'm still
not sure where, Lex and I exchanged gifts. He got me this amazing Expedition to
the Stars Kit.
I love the gift and I can't wait to put it together.
I got him a lavender dress shirt with a black tie that has these cheesy purple
dollar signs on it. I was kind of embarrassed since I can't afford much, but he
seemed to like it, and he even said he'd wear it.
After we exchanged gifts I hugged him. It was so nice to have him so close. He
smelled so wonderful. I was hard instantly. Then I heard a sound upstairs and it
ended. I pulled away. Then we stood and when I turned around I saw that he was
standing under the mistletoe. I didn't even think about it. I just went over,
and kissed him on the lips. He was so stunned, but he didn't push me away. When
it hit me what I was doing, with my mom and dad right upstairs, I freaked.
I have hope though, since he seemed okay with what I did.
I'm off to sneak pie.
1:05 am - ET here
We're snowed in.
I
just came back from watching Lex jerk off. I stood outside my bedroom door, and
watched, with my x-ray vision, as he jerked off. I was so hard, I wanted to jump
in and help. He's wearing my pjs that mom loaned him. I'm going to wear them
tomorrow night, and I'm not going to wash my sheets. It will be almost as if
we're in the same bed.
When I got his gift I couldn't help but think that I wanted to tell Lex that
earth doesn't need SETI. I am the ET they're all looking for.
I still can't believe I kissed Lex. I hate this. I want him back now! My mind is
in a whirl. I need to go for a run, but how do I explain that? Bruce and mom and
dad would know but Lex wouldn't. I hate keeping it from him. I hate that he
doesn't know the truth. I am so scared every time I think about telling him all
I picture is him telling me he hates me, and that he'll ruin my life forever.
~
12:47a - I just came back from seeing Lex
I read his journal, and had to
go over right away. By the time I got there, I realized I had no reason to be
there. I couldn't really explain myself so I just said I wanted to say bye
before he left for his trip. It was hard to see him, and know that he was going
away. I know it's only a week, but I miss him already.
He told me I could hang out at the mansion if I needed a place to hide out in.
Maybe I might stop by. I could always hang in the Troy room. I really like it.
It makes me feel safe.
I told Lex that we are meant to be together. I know more than ever that we are.
I just think he needs to know it. I wanted to kiss him, but he seemed so stand
offish so I held back. Part of me feels guilty about Bruce but at the same time Lex
is mine. I want him to be mine.
I miss him so much, already. I spent the day putting that kit together. I smiled
the whole time since Lex gave it to me. When I look at it I think of him. It's
like he really knows me; like he sees the true me. I wish that was true, and not
just me dreaming. I wish he did know the true me.
He's so important to me. I find myself thinking about him all the time. I was
working with dad in the barn, and I started talking about Lex. Dad was not
amused. He asked me to stop talking, and get my ass in gear, since the work
wasn't going to do itself. It really annoys me that dad doesn't even give him a
chance. After the nice dinner we had I would have thought dad would cool down,
but instead he just gets all weird.
~
9:53p - I eat pie because I really have nothing else to do
I'm sitting in my room
surfing my f-list, and eating apple pie. I had a pretty boring day. Everything
just seemed so bland compared to other things I could have been doing. I got a
note from BW today. He thanked me for the gift I gave him. It was a very nice
note. I felt guilty for about five seconds over my dreams about Lex until I
realized that no matter who he's with, my dreams are my own, and nobody can tell
me what I can and can't think.
I had this dream that Lex took me to Europe
with him. I dreamt he showed up on my doorstep, and told me had broken it off
with Bruce and that he wanted only me. Then suddenly we were on the plane. I got up
to do something and when I returned he was gone. I looked everywhere for him. I
even started to tear up the plane trying to find him, but he was gone.
Off to have more fun on line. It's great to see all the different people. Since
I hardly ever get to go outside of my hometown, it's cool that there's a way to
see what's out there.
I miss Lex a lot. I guess I'll be saying that every day while he's gone. I hope
he's having a good time. I called his cell, and left a message, telling him how
my day went. He didn't call back, but I didn't really expect him to.
~
1:05a - Not very exciting
I spent most of the day
either cleaning or hanging with Pete. We didn't really do much except play some
basketball, and talk about Jody. He's determined to go see her. I told him he
needs to be careful, but he insists on going. He said his brother is going to
take him.
I called Lex again, and got his answering service again. He's not picking up,
and maybe it's because he knows it's me. I don't want to jump to the wrong
conclusions, but he must know I called. I told him what I did, and I told him I
couldn't wait to talk to him when he gets back.
I went to the mansion today to ask the cook if they still want me to deliver the
Monday order. Nobody was around but they left a note. I'm to deliver as always.
Since nobody was there I stayed for a while. It was nice to be in his office, to
see his things. He left his laptop here, but I couldn't get into it since I
didn't know what the password is.
I am so tired tonight. I don't usually get tired, but for some reason I am.
~
10:59p - Too much action for one day
Today has been way too
busy! First I meet Lex's new security guy. I'll call him Mr. K. He was waiting
for me when I did today's delivery. He seems very nice and very dedicated to
making sure Lex stays safe. I am so glad. It seems like Lex is attacked way too
often for my taste. He's still away of course, so I called him again. He still
didn't answer his phone. I guess it's because it's really late over there.
Anyway, I overheard this guy talking about doing something to the L's so I
investigated. He attacked Mr. K, but I got there in time to stop him, but not
before he got in a good punch or two. The guy was really strong. It smarted when
he hit me.
The weirdest thing happened. We took the fight outside, and bats attacked me. It
was so strange. I'm not sure why they did it. They managed to cut me a little,
and tear my t-shirt, but other than that, I'm fine. They flew away once I
knocked the guy out.
I had to make sure Mr. K was okay so after they took the guy away I stayed at
the mansion for a while. He asked me questions about what happened outside, and
then told me to get home. He was really nice about it. I lost another t-shirt
which sucked since it was once of my favorites.
It's really funny because Mr. K calls Lex by his last name, and he doesn't look
much older than him. In fact he's kind of young. I just hope he really can make
sure Lex is taken care of.
~
8:54p - Another day in paradise
I should start making
stuff up. My life is so not exciting. Especially today. The year ends quietly
with me at home. I've been invited to Chloe's house for New Years Eve. I called PR
and begged him to come with me. He wasn't up for it, but I convinced him he
needed to get out. I asked if anything happened but he told me he didn't want to
talk about it. I'll try to talk to him tomorrow night. Chloe sounds really excited
about the party. When I asked if we would be drinking again she promised not to
get me in trouble.
I called Lex again. He wasn't there. I really miss him. It sounds so pathetic
when I say that. It even looks pathetic typed out. Maybe I should just move on.
Maybe I should just find somebody else. The thought isn't very appealing. I only
want him. Although Bruce is pretty hot. Speaking of which, I went to return the
shirt Mr. K loaned me last night. I thought it was Lex's but it turns out it was
Bruce's. We're the same size it seems.
I stayed in today since there was so much work around the farm today. Dad wants
to make sure everything is in order for what I have no idea. He won't tell me.
He's probably just making stuff up just so I won't be a lazy bum.
I'm off to watch The Matrix. Mom got it for me for Xmas. She noticed I like
Keanu.
~
7:00p - Before I go off to the party etc.
I thought I would wish
everybody a happy New Year. Be good!
I worked my ass off today so I am really looking forward to just relaxing with
my friends. Mr. K stopped by to check on me. He's a really nice guy. I'm
surprised Mr. L hired somebody nice. The way Lex talks it always seems like his
dad has ulterior motives for everything he does.
It's cool that Lex will have somebody close to his age over there to relate to.
I plan on calling Lex at midnight since I have nobody to kiss when the
clock strikes. Not that I ever have. Except my mom of course, but she doesn't
really count since it's always a kiss on the cheek.
I did the deliveries as early as I could today because of the party I'm going
to. When I delivered to the mansion Mr. K was waiting again. I didn't have to
sign in and get a pass since he said I could come by any time. Which is really
nice of him. I asked if he was spending the tonight alone working, and he said
he wouldn't be alone so that's cool. I hate to think of anybody alone on New
Years Eve. PR is coming to pick me up soon so I have to go. He's driving us to
Chloe's house. I hope he has a good time. I don't want to push him into something
he really isn't into but at the same time I don't want him to be alone tonight.
I have to go get ready for the party. I think tonight I'll dress up nice just
because it would be a nice change.
Have fun, but not too much.
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