Author: GothGirl
Fandom: Smallville
Sequel/Series: Freak4ever's
live journal
Pairing: Clark/Lex, Lex/other, Clark/other
Rating: NC-17
Category: Angst, alternate universe, drama, established relationship,
episode related.
Notes: Spoiler for all seasons. Thanks to Lola, coffeejunkii, Katze, Alee
and jfc for beta and catching mistakes. 424,500 words.
Feedback: Yes please that would be very nice.
Disclaimer: DC Comics, Warner Brothers, Tollin/Robbins and Millar/Gough
Ink own Smallville and its characters. I am just playing.
Summary: Clark Kent gets a live journal.
Related Links
Freak4ever Pretty Things Smallville Diaries Goth_Clark Tabloidboy
12:40p
So here I am. My friend suggested I get a blog. She said it helps her to unwind
and get stuff off her chest. That's just what I need since I really don't have
anybody I can talk to about things.
Anyway, more later. Maybe.
~
10:58p - Why?
Why can't my dad understand that I just want to be normal? I asked again, just
like I do every year, if I can be on the football team. Pete's mom and dad let
him join, but my dad, no way. He says I have to be careful. He's afraid I'll
hurt somebody but he never gives me the chance to even try.
Sometimes I hate my life. I want so much to be just like everybody else. Maybe
Lana would notice me if I wasn't such a geek and a klutz
I have to do this paper for English class for next week. That's kind of boring I
know, but so is my life. Don't get me wrong, I love small town life. It's nice
and I love living on a farm but sometimes I get this feeling that my mom and dad
aren't ever going to let me out of their sight.
I'm a freak and I don't just mean slightly freakish. Last week I was in the loft
and I thought I heard my mom and dad talking downstairs. When I went to check
they weren't there. They were in the house and I could hear them. Like I said,
freak.
I'm going to ask again tomorrow morning. Maybe my dad will change his mind. I
have the permission slip ready. Maybe if he sees how much I want to join he'll
let me. Maybe.
Later.
~~~~~~~
12:54a - after the chores
So I came back from class with a million chores to do. My dad makes me do all
the heavy lifting. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but my dad is sort of
really intense. He's always thinking about the farm; well, duh, I live on a
farm.
Anyway, I saw LL today but she didn't notice me at all. I walked right by her
and she just ignored me. I stare at her and hope that she'll turn to look. You
know maybe pay attention but she was with Whitney. He's her boyfriend. See
that's why I want to be on the football team. She's a cheerleader so I figure if
I was on the team she'd notice me and maybe...
I'm just dreaming though. Pete, my best friend, laughs and tells me I should
just give it up. Chloe my other friend (I only really have two) she doesn't say
anything. I don't think she likes Lana at all, but Chloe's kind of different.
She's cool though. She writes for the school paper and she's the first girl that
I ever kissed. Well, she kissed me up in my fortress. It was nice and she was
really soft and smelled real pretty.
I'm feeling really weird tonight. I want to run or something. I'm just too
afraid I won't be able to stop and then I'll end up in South America. How would
I find my way home? See, that's one of the freak things about me. I do these
things that nobody else can. I can't tell anybody because mom and dad always
tell me other people wouldn't understand, but I want to tell my friends. I don't
think they'd hate me. I mean, it's weird but maybe they'd be okay. Mom and dad
won't let me and part of me understands. I still hate it and feel alienated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1:42a - Another day
So, I was sitting in class trying not to think about the fact that Chloe had
just told me to stop mooning over Lana, when the teacher called on me. I hate
being called on. I'm always afraid I'll sound stupid and everybody will laugh at
me. The funny thing is, I could answer every single question she asked even
though I hadn't been paying attention. Gosh, that sounds so boring.
Once I overheard these two girls T and J talking about who they would sleep with
from our class. One of them mentioned my name, which made my ears perk up, and
then they both laughed. T said I was probably going to die a virgin. She was
probably right. I mean I think about the same stuff other guys think about. I
think about sex and what it would be like. I can't even talk to anybody about my
fears. I'm so strong what if I break her or really hurt her bad. It scares me.
I think maybe I'll just take care of that stuff by myself, if you know what I
mean. I've done it enough times already so hey a life-time doesn't sound so bad.
Now I've made myself all depressed. I hate being me sometimes. I'm going to go
see if mom made some pie.
9:16a - I'm so mad!
My dad is so not fair. It wasn't my fault! I didn't mean to break the posts. I
try so hard to be careful. I feel like running again, but I can't because I have
to do chores. How do you make words do that bold thing on here?
So I was doing chores and as you can tell I broke something. Dad was so mad. He
even yelled at me. Mom told him to cool off but not before he used it as an
excuse to point out what would have happened if it had been a person. I'm
shaking so hard right now. Shoot, I just punched a hole in the wall. I hate my
life!
I need an icon that shows how mad I am. Mom's calling. I have to go.
11:50p - More things
So, dad is still not talking to me. He's being such an ass. I shouldn't say that
about my dad I know, but what am I supposed to do? I tried to fix things but I
only made them worse. Mom ran interference. So, I'm out here in the loft. I was
surfing the net for a while, but that got kind of boring. So I thought I'd just
make a fast post. I want to try to do this on a regular basis since I'll be
writing essays a lot for the next few months, especially once school gets going.
I saw Lana again today. When I walked by her in the hallway I tripped over my
feet. It was so embarrassing. I tried to run but I couldn't because I felt sick
to my stomach. She looked at me, at least. Except it was a pity look. Not really
what I was hoping for. I can't seem to get near her without tripping. I feel all
queasy whenever she's near me. She's so pretty. God I wish I could touch her
hair, and hold her in my arms. She's really tiny compared to me. I'm a big
clumsy ox, all long arms and legs and these freakish huge hands.
I've never had a girlfriend before. My best friend Pete has a new one every
other week. I don't know how he does it. He tells me that he's just having fun,
but I don't think I could do it like that. I want something serious and long
lasting. Something like I read about in my mom's women's magazine. I sneak the
magazine sometimes just to get insight into women, but I still don't understand
half the stuff in there. I don't think I was meant to understand. Pete tells me
to just go with it and stop thinking so much. I feel like such an alien.
This weird thing happened right after dinner. I washed the dishes while my dad
and mom relaxed in the living room. I overheard everything they said even with
the water running. Mom was trying to convince my dad to talk to me. She made
this comment about how I'm a good kid. He agreed but didn't get up to come see
me. I heard them again just like the other time. I still haven't told them about
my hearing going all crazy. I'm too afraid to. I'm already enough of a freak,
and this just adds to it. I don't know what to do. Wow I guess I had way more to
say than I thought. This is kind of really nice. It works better than I thought
it would. Um, well, I have to go to bed now. I have chores to do in the morning.
Bye for now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8:59a - Update
I haven't been around much in the last few days since I've been so busy with
chores.
So, dad's finally talking to me again. He's acting like nothing happened and we
didn't even talk about it. I prefer it that way since it just makes me feel
uncomfortable. Mom was all happy and made all kinds of cool stuff for breakfast.
I ate all of it, just to make her even happier. I really like making her happy.
She's such a good mom. Especially with all that she has to put up with. (Mainly
me)
I'm thinking of telling them about my hearing. I'm not sure what to do. I mean
on the one hand it's pretty cool but on the other hand it just proves how much
of a freak I am.
On the football team side of things; I'm gong to ask my dad again. Maybe he's
changed his mind. If I plead with him maybe he'll realize how much I need this.
I need to be able to do something normal.
I saw Lana again today. She seemed kind of down. I wanted to go talk to her, ask
what was wrong but I felt queasy again when I went near her. I don't understand
it. Is this what love feels like? I thought I was going to be sick all over her
shoes. *sigh* Yet another embarrassing moment for me. A few of the
football players were there. They laughed at me and when Whitney and Lana walked
away, D and M pushed me against the lockers and threatened me. I wasn't scared
or anything because when Lana was gone, I got my strength back. But again, I had
to pretend. Oh well, at least if they follow through on the threat I won't get
hurt.
Sometimes high school is just a great big pain.
On a good note, Chloe moved into the school newsroom. It was so nice watching her be all happy. She looked all glowy and stuff. I have to admit, seeing my friends happy makes me happy. She wouldn't even let me help so I just sat back and watched. I'm probably going to do something for the paper, not sure what yet. Maybe edit. I'd like that.
I also joined the chess club. I know, only geeks join that. What can I say. I guess I'm a geek.
~~~~~~
6:57p - Confused
Most of the time I feel fine. I'm happy with things the way they are, but
sometimes I want to see things beyond the confines of the little town I live in.
I had a really nice day at school today and no, Lana did not smile at me. I just
had such a great time with my two best friends. We hung out in the school
paper's office for a while just talking about things. Nothing big, just normal
everyday things, and I loved how my two best friends Chloe and Pete made me feel
normal just by being them. It's so weird. I think I've been basking in it all
day. The one thing I want more than anything else in the world is to be normal;
to be like everybody else. I don't want people to look at me. I'm kind of big
and awkward looking anyway. I really hate my body sometimes. It's huge. Big
clumsy hands and even bigger clumsy feet.
I trip over them so many times in one day it isn't even funny anymore. I'm
talking about this now because I almost fell on Chloe in the office. I zigged
and she zagged and before I knew it I was grabbing onto her hips. It was so
awkward. I've never really touched a girl in the way a boyfriend touches a
girlfriend. It was kind of nice. She was really warm and stuff.
I feel kind of dumb talking like this. It's so silly, but I think of her as a
sister and I would never hurt her on purpose. I think I did. She made this
yelping sound and then she flinched. For half an hour she insisted she was fine
but I caught her rubbing her hip where I'd grabbed it. I was so scared that I'd
hurt her. I don't have anybody to talk to about this.
I'm never going to date. I think it's safer if I just keep my hands to myself.
I'm so confused.
~
10:22p - Holy Cow!
I have had the most bizarre day of my entire life.
It started off fine. I got up the nerve to ask my dad if I could join the
football team. He turned me down flat. I almost barfed all over Lana's shoes at
school, (more embarrassment for me). My best friend Pete got to join the team,
so I watched him at practice until I couldn't take it any more.
I walked home and stopped at the bridge. You wouldn't believe what happened
next! One minute I'm staring down at the water and then the next minute I hear
screeching tires. I look up to find a car hurtling at me. It was going really
fast. The guy driving looked terrified. Then Bam! He hit me and we fell into the
water. I was so scared but all I could think about was helping the driver.
I dived down and pulled the hood off. I don't even remember how I did it. I got
us both out onto the shore and gave him mouth to mouth.
Thankfully, I managed to save him before I fainted. I mean, I was just hit by a
car! All I could think was holy cow! How the hell? It was amazing.
Anyway, when I came to the guy, who I'll call Lex from here on, was hovering
over me. The sheriff was already there. How embarrassing is it that I fainted in
front of this guy? He was really nice about it and kept thanking me over and
over. The only thing was, he kept staring at me. I couldn't tell if he was still
wondering if he'd hit me even though I told him I was standing off to the side.
Dad came to get me. He wasn't happy when he showed up. On the way home we didn't
talk at all. He was really mad but I couldn't tell if he was mad at me or if he
was mad at Lex. Although why he would be mad at somebody I saved is beyond me.
I'll never figure out my dad.
It's kind of late now. I haven't really had time to think about what it all
means. I mean I can't be hurt and I saved somebody's life! I think it was the
coolest thing to ever happen to me. I just know things are going to change for
the better from here on out.
I have to go to sleep now. Maybe more later. I have to think about this.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:40p - More weird stuff
So I had another crazy day. I was robbed twice today.
I had the most important illusion taken away from me. But before I talk about
that...
I had a truck for about two minutes. That guy I saved sent me a truck to pay me
back for saving him. My dad made me give it back. Well, actually he made me
decide, but what else was I supposed to decide when my dad was going on and on
about how evil Lex's father is. I mean, it's not like the son is just like the
dad. Right?
It turned out to be kind of interesting though, so I'm glad my dad made me do
it.
Lex lives in a mansion. He's kind of mocking about it though. It's not really
his choice. His dad sent him to the town. He's supposed to save the plant that
hires most of the people in town. It's kind of freaky. I would be so nervous if
I was responsible for so many people, but Lex handles it so well.
He handles a lot of things so well, as I've come to discover. When I met him for
the first time he was dead, and today when I went to return the truck (which was
a sweet ride btw) he threw a sword at my head. Well, near my head.
I decided after talking to him that if I couldn't keep the truck, I could make a
friend out of him. He said all this stuff about us being friends, and nothing
standing in our way. I'm sure he was talking about my dad.
Anyway so I lost the truck, but gained a friend. I'm really looking forward to
getting to know him. He seems really interesting. I bet he's been all over the
world and done all kinds of stuff.
You're probably wondering what that other thing is that I was talking about.
Well, now I know why I'm not normal. It totally sucks. I will never ever be a
normal person. I can't even think it let alone write it in here. This is
supposed to be where I tell all those things I can't tell anybody else. It's the
biggest secret anybody has ever had to hold. I hate lying but I realize I do it
every single day of my life. Heck, I had to do it after I saved Lex's life. What
was I supposed to say? 'Oh, by the way, I can't be killed'? That goes over well.
I'm not going to dwell, and I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to
concentrate on other things.
Lana actually had a long conversation with me. It was in a cemetery, but at
least she talked to me. It was really nice. She even kissed me on the cheek,
which was even nicer.
I feel kind of lonely tonight. It's weird now that I know that thing about
myself that I didn't know before. It just changes everything. I have to go. This
just totally sucks.
~~~~~~
9:56p - I hate my life
So one of the reasons for joining the football team was so Pete and I wouldn't
be chosen as this year's scarecrow. Let me just tell you a bit about this little
tradition.
Every year a freshman is chosen by the football team. He's taken out to Riley's
Field and strung up on a cross in nothing but his boxers with a red letter "S"
painted on his chest.
Why am I talking about this? Well, this year Whitney, D and R decided it was my
turn to play scarecrow. I was already in a bad mood when I ran into them. Chloe
and Pete had just finished telling me the worst news I'd ever heard, and it all
had to do with me. I destroy everything around me. I've always thought this and
now I know it's true. Everything is my fault. People are suffering because of
me.
Normally I could fight them off because I'm so strong, but I couldn't this time.
It was so weird. One minute I was fine and then the next I was as week as a
kitten. It happened right after Whitney put Lana's necklace around my neck. He
was mad at me for talking to his girlfriend. I tried to tell him that we're just
friends, but he wouldn't listen.
They dragged me out and stripped me. God, it was horrible! I was so scared and
it hurt so much. I tried to fight back, I really did, but Whitney wouldn't
listen. Eventually I just gave up, and stopped struggling. It felt like I hung
out there forever. And then this guy, J, came along. He was the scarecrow the
year this really bad thing happened in the town. Anyway, he just left me there.
It felt like I was going to die. I cried for help. I was pretty sure nobody was
going to hear me, but somebody did. Lex found me. I couldn't believe it. He
untied me and the necklace fell off. I was so lucky. I was too shocked to stick
around though. I ran to stop J from hurting my friends.
I stopped him and I got back at the jocks for what they did. I know it was kind
of childish, but I did it anyway. It made me feel a little better.
Anyway, I missed the dance since I was kind of tied up at the time.
~~~~~~~~~
9:34a - sigh
Just when I thought I couldn't be any more of a freak, something new happens. I
had this dream. Anyway when I woke up I wasn't exactly still on my bed. It's too
weird, and I have no clue how I did it.
Why can't I just be normal like every other kid? It's not fair! I hate it.
At least Lana was in my dream, only she said everything was my fault. Totally
not something she'd ever do in real life but what do I know? She only started
paying attention to me a few days ago, and I really haven't talked to her that
often. Probably won't be after what her boyfriend did to me. I hope she doesn't
find out what happened. That would suck. It kind of hurt that I would dream
that.
I heard my parents talking about me again.
More later.
~
6:46p - Well, I had another super fun day.
The first thing I had to deal with, when I went to farmer's market this morning,
was Whitney. As much as I would love to tell somebody about what he did to me,
I'm just too ashamed and embarrassed. I don't want my parents finding out about
it, and I don't want the whole town to know. It's a small town, and I've already
been called enough names to my face without having more added to the list.
It was kind of annoying to listen to my dad go on and on about how great Whitney
is on the field. If my dad would let me play then maybe he could brag about me,
but no, instead he has to dote on the town star. If I sound bitter, it's because
I am. He has everything I want: a normal life, Lana, and he's star of the
football team.
It sucks to be me.
At least Lana noticed I wasn't at the dance. That's something, isn't it? Who am
I kidding, she's definitely not looking at me *that way*. Triple sigh.
Oh well. I got to see Lex, and that was kind of nice. He noticed me noticing
her. I have a feeling he's the type of guy who pays close attention. I'm going
to have to be extra careful around him.
He really seems to care even though he hardly knows me. I told him I want to
forget the whole scarecrow thing, just pretend as if it didn't happen. I think
he took me seriously. At least I hope he did. I really don't want my mom and dad
finding out about it. That would suck big time.
It's just my luck that on the way home from the market I end up saving Whitney's
life. Yup, the same guy who strung me up in the field. (I can talk about it
here, but I will NOT tell anybody about it. Lex doesn't treat me any
differently but maybe that's because he doesn't really know me yet.)
So, I saved Whitney's ass, (sorry I don't usually swear but I can't help it) and
when we got home my mom was shaking so hard.
I wasn't hurt at all. I also told my dad about what happened this morning. I
could tell he was really freaked out even though he tried to hide it. I mean he
told me we'd figure it out but there isn't really a 'we'. This is happening to
me, and I am so freaked out.
I'm supposed to go over to Lex's mansion soon. He ordered produce from my family
farm. I think it's the perfect chance to get to know him better. I'm looking
forward to that, even though dad cursed (I heard it all the way from my loft
without my special hearing) a huge paragraph when he found out. Maybe Lex can
give me advice about Lana. I'm pretty sure he's touched a girl.
Off to meet Lex. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~
3:31p - another manic day for the freakboy
So lead seems to block the effects of the stone that's in Lana's necklace.
Lex took the necklace from the field and gave it to me to give to Lana. He says
I should tell her what her boyfriend did to me but that's just not the way I
want to win her. I wouldn't feel right about it.
I was wrong about Lex not telling anybody. He told Lana. I'm kind of
disappointed that he did, but she thought it was a nice thing for a friend to
do. She's probably right. I don't know. It's not like she dumped her boyfriend.
In fact, while I was fighting off this crazy guy he was saving her from the
crazy guy's cocoon. Don't ask.
At least now I know why I always felt queasy around her. Sigh.
Very busy day. Saw a dead body. I wasn't really grossed out since I was too busy
worrying about Lana. Not that it helped.
In the end I just left the necklace on her front porch. I think I'd rather win
her the fair way.
I'm really tired.
~~~~~~~~
10:40p - weird dream
Last night I had a dream. It wasn't like the other one I had where I was flying.
This one was kind of a nightmare. I was in the cornfield and I couldn't move.
When I looked down I saw that I was back on the cross again. The guys who strung
me up were there and they were just standing there, laughing at me. I didn't
tell anybody this at all (not even Lex) but one of the guys whispered something
in my ear when they were taking off my clothes. He called me a fag.
All I was thinking at the time was how cold it was, and how if I was left there
maybe I'd die. In the dream Whitney told me that this wouldn't be happening if I
hadn't tried to make time with his girlfriend, but the other two laughed and
called me that name again.
After they left me there I had a lot of time to think. In the dream Lex finds me
again but this time he just stands there and looks at me. He said 'you lied to
me' and then he walked away.
I hate lying to everybody around me. I'm not who they think, but it's not
something I can ever tell any of them.
When I woke up the same thing happened again that happened the other night after
my floating dream. The bed was already broken from the first time thought so all
I did was make a loud noise. My mom came running into my room, which kind of
made me mad. She didn't even knock. What if I'd been doing something else? What
if I'd been getting dressed? Are all moms like that?
Anyway I wasn't but I was pretty glad I was lying on my stomach since it would
have been very embarrassing. After I reassured her I was fine, she left me alone
so I could take care of business, if you know what I mean. It was strange
because the last thing I could remember happening in the dream was Lex shaking
his head and just staring at me saying over and over again 'you lied to me'.
He's never said anything like that to me. In fact we haven't talked about the
accident at all since that day. All we talked about was that cool box he gave me
which I have by my bed. I stare at it when I want to think. It's really cool. I
haven't really talked about it here or to my dad. He'd probably make me give it
back. It's supposed be made from the armor of St. George, the patron saint of
boy scouts. Lex seemed pretty skeptical about this. Anyway Lex has this really
cool Trojan War set-up in a room on a big table. It's like one of those
battlefield table thingies. I've never seen anything like it except in a museum.
He was very casual about it. I wanted to ask if he'd play army with me but it
didn't seem like the kind of thing he'd do so I kept my mouth shut. Oh well.
Maybe next time I'll dream we're in a battle fighting as the good guys side by
side. That would be cool; me and Lex as knights.
That would really be cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:37p - Mad again but happy too
Okay so I snuck away today to hang out with Lex. My dad was really mad the last
time I went over to make the delivery since I stayed for an hour. He told me I
shouldn't waste Lex's time, and that he's too old for me to hang out with.
I've never done this before. I just ignored my dad. I don't know why. Last time
I saw Lex he seemed kind of lonely. Maybe lonely isn't the right word. It seemed
like he wanted me to stay longer. He was so nice. We sat and talked about all
kinds of things like history and war and he promised to teach me how to play
pool, You know that one with a table and balls and a stick. He has a pool table
in his office! It's so cool. It's kind of unique just like him.
We sat and had lunch today. It's Sunday and I really didn't have anything else
to do after getting my chores done so I stayed pretty long. A few hours at
least. He told me about how his dad taught him to play chess but got too
frustrated since Lex kept beating his dad at it. I laughed so hard I sprayed
milk all over the place. It was so embarrassing. He just took it in stride, and
rubbed my back until I stopped choking.
He's so considerate.
Anyway so I went home all happy and when dad asked me where I was I couldn't
lie. I told him. He got this look on his face like he was going to explode but
he just calmly told me to stop bothering Lex so much.
Later when I was in my room thinking about everything we'd done I overheard dad
and mom talking about me. He actually told my mom to go over to Lex's and ask
him to stop allowing me to come over so much. Why would he do that? I just don't
understand my dad. It's like he thinks Lex is going to hurt me or something.
I know Lex would never hurt me. I made him laugh and he smiled a lot. It was
great.
I also got up the nerve to ask Lex about girl stuff. It was pretty embarrassing
but he was really cool about it. He answered all my questions. I thought about
asking about the dream, but I chickened out. Oh well, I'm sure the dreams will
go away.
I'm going to finish my homework. I was supposed to write a paper today but
instead I was playing hooky. It was fun. :)
Oh by the way, my mom told my dad to leave me alone.
~~~~~~
6:24p - Lana and other things
I haven't really talked much about Lana here, which kind of surprises me since
I've been in love with her forever. I guess it's because of all the stuff that's
been happening in my life lately. I mean what I found out about myself after the
car accident was pretty startling to say the least.
She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She has gorgeous long dark hair
and these wonderful expressive dark eyes. When they look at you, it's like the
whole world disappears. I always get butterflies when I go near her or when I
see her.
Sometimes, at night, I watch her through my telescope. I've never told anybody
this. She's so strong too. A lot of people think she isn't because of what she
went through, but I think they totally underestimate her. I know she's stronger
than anybody gives her credit for.
I spend most of my high school career watching her from afar, but now she's
talking to me and she wants to be near me. It's funny but I haven't noticed her
wearing her necklace since I gave it back. I wonder why?
Anyway, I have a lot of work to do tonight. I have to rebuild the fence in the
far pasture. My dad is too busy to help so I'll be alone which is fine since I
love doing these things alone. I work much faster that way anyway. Should I talk
about how you build a fence here? Probably not. If anybody ever wants to know, I
know how. :)
So I was hanging with my best friends Pete and Chloe at the office of the school
paper and I casually asked if she'd gone and looked at this. I know she promised
not to but it couldn't hurt to ask. Apparently it did hurt. She acted all angry
and evasive. Not quite like I'd hurt her feelings but kind of guilty.
I have to go. Dad's yelling for me. Bye.
~~~~~~
10:18a -
So, I finished the fence early, and snuck over to Lex's place again. He wasn't
home so I hung out in his Trojan room. It was so much fun. I like being alone
sometimes. It gives me time to think. I have to admit, and I would never tell
any of my friends this (especially not Lex), that I really like being at the
mansion. It's quiet.
The only thing that happened was one of his staff caught me when she came in to
dust. Mrs. P was cool about it. She promised not to tell Lex that I was there.
She also had the cook bring me a snack. I felt guilty taking advantage of Lex's
staff, but I was so hungry.
In other news I had that dream again last night. It wasn't exactly the same.
This time Lex left me on the cross and told me 'liars don't deserve to be
saved'. I hate that. I feel guilty enough about lying to everybody without
having to dream it. I wish I could tell my best friend PR but I'm so afraid of a
lot of things.
Things like - would he still be my friend? Would he tell everybody about me? The
worst fear is that he'd never talk to me again. It's weird that of all people to
have called me a liar in my dreams it would be Lex. I hardly know him and he has
not once called me on the story I told him about the accident. He watches me
very carefully though, and sometimes when I look over at him he's staring at me.
Usually he smiles, which is nice. I guess maybe I just feel guilty about lying
at all. See I don't know why that is. I know it's safer for everybody if they
don't know the truth about how much of a freak I am. I'm not even one of them.
I have to go now.
~~~~~~
4:50p - When the cat's away
I'm doing this from the school newspaper office. I stayed to do a few things for
Chloe while she's gone.
She's away which means I can't talk to her to apologize about the other day. She
told me she wouldn't look at my journal, so I should have just believed her. I
feel awful. I feel like a total heel.
In other news Pete has a new girlfriend. oh, sorry, friend who is a girl, which
means I see less of him. Although lately I've been busy, and he's been sort of
preoccupied.
I think I'm going see if he'd like to come by to shoot some hoops. That would be
cool. He should be here soon.
Well, he's going out with his new main squeeze. Oh well. I guess I'll just
finish up here and run home.
Dad is mad at me again. This is going to seem really weird but I was watching
the mansion late last night.
I'm not sure why. I found this really nice spot, and it just happens to be
within eye-shot of the mansion. I like to go there to think and be alone. I've
been thinking a lot about Lex and some of the things he's said, and what some of
you have said. I really want to trust him. I do.
So last night Lex had a guest. It might be his girlfriend. He's never mentioned
one but it's not like he'd talk to a kid about that. She was dressed really nice
and arrived in a limo.
I was kind of curious about what Lex would do on a date. You know how he'd talk
etc. I figured I could get some tips from listening in. Boy do I wish I hadn't.
What I heard ... I'm pretty sure I'm too young to hear that kind of talk. You
know the kind. Naked talk.
Anyway, she stayed for two hours and fourteen minutes. I didn't see Lex at all,
but she left in a limo. Maybe she was just visiting.
Oh well, I got to go home now. Mom's waiting for me to help with the pies.
MMMMMM pie.
~~~~~~~
5:42p - And then she....
… talked to me.
Lana talked to me today in the hall at school. It was kind of weird and really
unexpected, but really nice. I didn't trip or fall on my face. She was really
nice. Her eyes were all sparkly, but she seemed kind of tense. I guess it was
because of what Whitney did to me. I just told her to forget it. She changed the
subject right away.
We talked for a few minutes about stuff until Whitney showed up. Lana seemed
really apologetic about it. She looked up at me with these really sorry eyes. I
wanted to hold her so badly. She looked so beautiful, and soft. Whitney acted
all hostile and made a crack about me horning in on his girl. I wanted to punch
him so badly. I think Lana saw that because she pulled him away, and said they
needed to go.
At least she talked to me and it was nice. I'm so glad we're becoming friends.
It's nice. I think I'm starting to like her even more as I get to know her.
Got to go to do some chores.
~
6:09p - Oh man
Yesterday I saw Lex at the coffee shop. After some of the comments you all made
about my last post, I think maybe I know what you were getting at though I'm not
sure I believe it! I can't believe that Lex would want or need that sort of
thing.
Even so, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I was so embarrassed. I tried to
get away as fast as I could, but he wanted to talk so I stood there like an
idiot, and every time I tried to look into his eyes all I could think about was
the sounds I'd heard that night. . .
I am NEVER spying on him again.
I have to go now. I need to burn off some energy. Maybe running around the
county a few hundred times will do that.
~~~~~~~~~
10:56a - Hmmm
So I tried to call Chloe at her cousin's place but whoever answered said she was
unavailable. She was really rude and hung up before I could leave a message.
I also tried to call Lana and her aunt told me she couldn't talk. I wonder if
maybe Lana just told her aunt to say that because she didn't want to talk to me.
Last night when I went for a run I saw Lana on her horse. I followed her for a
few minutes to make sure she was okay. She seemed fine. There was no Whitney
around. I wonder if they had a fight.
Maybe I should go check on her. I think she's in class now. I'm kind of hiding
in the newsroom. I have to go soon.
I think I'll just wait by my locker and see if she shows up. If I'm lucky her
boyfriend won't be around.
~~~~~~
10:29p - pool at Lex's
I did it. I went over to see Lex after I finished the deliveries. I wasn't
bugging him like my dad keeps saying. I didn't even interrupt anything.
We talked. I asked him about girls and kissing. I wanted to ask about that lady
from the other night, but I just didn't feel like it was my business. I did find
out he doesn't have a girlfriend. He seemed kind of sad or something. This is
going to sound really weird, but I kind of wanted to hold him; make him feel
better, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have gone for that. He really looks like
he could use a hug from a friend. I'm so glad I met him. He's really cool.
He told me he's had his share of girlfriends, so he could help me out with
dating advice whenever I need it. With Lana I mean. He also told me that it was
hard for him to find the right woman since most of them only want him for his
money. I couldn't care less about that. I mean it's nice that he has all this
stuff but it's only stuff. I'd still like him even if he didn't drive a Porsche
or six.
At one point he choked on something so I had to pat him on the back. This is
what I mean when I say that I'm a freak. Most people don't have to be very
careful when they do something so simple, but I have to be aware 100 per cent of
the time what I am doing. One wrong move and I could have bruised his back.
He fed me and showed me how to play pool. I really suck at it, but I had a lot
of fun. He also told me I could come over anytime I liked.
Anyway, I was really embarrassed when I told him that I'd only kissed one girl
ever and only one time. He said things that kind of surprised me. I mean why
would anybody want to go out with a big freak like me.
I want to go over again next week or maybe in a few days. I have to confess
something and it's going to sound kind of mean. I couldn't help it. When ever he
turned his back to me I couldn't help but stare at his head. You might think
it's a weird thing to do but you see Lex is bald. He's only 21 and it isn't that
he chose to be bald. I wanted to ask how it happened, but I couldn't find the
right time. It looks good on him, and he has this bump on the back of his head
right at the base of his skull.
I do that a lot; stare at people. I wonder how it is that I look so much like
everybody else. You would never know that I was a freak just by looking at me.
In other news Lana and I are going to do our math homework together. I'm really
excited about it. I think my mom will let us do it in my loft. She should be
fine with that I hope. Lana and I talked in the hall for a few uninterrupted
minutes. We were standing really close together so nobody else could hear what
we were saying. Not that it was anything private, but you know.
She smelled so good. God I have to admit I was really excited to be near her.
She smiles like I imagine an angel would smile. And she was wearing this nice
sweater. It was really pretty. Hey, I'm a guy I notice these things.
Got to go. I have to get up early tomorrow to do chores. Bye.
~~~~~~~
1:14a - more Lana and bad dreams
I just woke up from another bad dream.
This one was really weird, but before I talk about the dream. . .
Lana came by tonight. She stayed for a while and we talked about so many things.
She's really smart, and has so much to say about everything. She's on the
cheerleading squad at school. She told me about how her mother was a cheerleader
too. I mostly just listened. I really don't have a very exciting life. I told
her about the farm and some stories about how I had to chase the cows one night
when they escaped.
Anyway, she smelled like jasmine and wore the nicest pink top and blue jeans.
She looked very nice. I kept wishing I could lean in and kiss her. I have to
admit I was staring at her a lot. I mean she is so pretty, and she was wearing
her hair down tonight. I think I smiled a lot too. I hope she didn't think I'm a
freak or anything.
My mom interrupted us, and told me to get to bed. So Lana had to leave. I had
such a great time. She thanked me, and put her hand on my arm. I watched until
she was out of sight. My mom gave me this funny look. After, when I was alone in
bed I thought about Lana and everything she'd said and done. It was a very
exciting night.
My mom caught me typing in my journal. I think I hid it but I'm not sure. She
might have seen something before I had a chance to shut down the monitor. She
didn't ask me about it.
I had the nightmare again about being up on the cross. I was wearing the
necklace and this time when Lex came to rescue me, I fell into his arms. Then
suddenly we were in his mansion and I was hugging him.
I have to go take care of some stuff.
~~~~~
12:18a - Another game of pool
I'm finally home and getting ready for bed but I had to get some things off my
chest.
I had to go back and friends lock some of my earlier posts for certain reasons.
I went to see Lex today and while we were talking in front of his house, a
photographer took our picture. I couldn't believe it. Here we were having a
private moment, it was really nice and relaxed, and this guy jumps out of
nowhere. It was really annoying. Lex got so mad; he smashed the guy's camera and
chased him off.
You might be able to tell by this who I am talking about. Please don't say
anything if that is the case. He has lived in the spotlight his whole life and I
would hate to be the reason he's in the newspapers again.
Anyway after the guy ran off, (Lex threatened him), we went inside. We talked
about how little privacy he has in his life and I immediately thought of my
journal, and how much I write about him on here. I don't want to get him in
trouble. He's a really nice guy and I really like him. I think it bothered him
way more than he would admit it. I almost hugged him. I wanted to so badly, but
he was really stiff and had this personal space thing going. I didn't want to
step into it, and ruin the moment.
We played pool again. I did better this time. He won which is fine. I told him
about my dreams sort of. He was really cool about it and everything. It was way
harder than I thought it would be. I tried to tell him about how he fit into the
dreams. I just ended up saying that nobody saved me. That I was left out there.
He was really concerned. I'm glad this is friends only because I have to confess
something. The dreams have kind of turned weird. I wake up each time a little
excited. That's never happened to me before.
When I was over at Lex's place he touched my leg to comfort me only it had
another effect, it made me kind of excited. I was so embarrassed. I'm pretty
sure he didn't notice, but I had to leave right after. I made up a stupid excuse
about my dad needing the truck and ran. I felt bad because he looked really
concerned.
When I got home I stayed in my loft for a couple of hours. My mom and dad were
out so I took care of myself there. I don't know what to think. Why is my body
reacting like this? Why am I feeling this? It's not fair. Lex is counting on me
to be his friend, and I'm having those kinds of dreams about him. I need to stop
this now.
I have to go to sleep now. I hope I don't have the dream again.
~
10:32a - This is only for me
Even though only I can read this, I've never written it down before. its going
to look weird.
I'm an alien!
And I think I might like Lex 'that way.'
Plus I floated again this morning. I dreamed that I was in the field and Lex
came to save me. He untied me, except when I fell to the ground the necklace
stayed on. I tried to tell him to get it off, but he didn't understand me.
The meteor rocks hurt me. Pretty ironic. They came with me and it's all my fault
that everybody is getting hurt by them.
Sometimes I really hate my life.
There, I got it off my chest but it didn't seem to help.
Off to forget again.
~
8:25p - Oh
A very boring day at school. I rushed home so I wouldn't have to see or talk to
anybody.
Now I'm sitting in my room waiting for the day to end, and checking out some of
my friends on LJ. There are some really nice people out there. My connection is
so slow right now and every time I try to reply to one of the comments you left,
it screws up.
Pete was too busy with the football team to hang today. Oh well. So was Lana.
She's on the cheerleading squad. I might have already mentioned that. I haven't
seen Lex since the other night. I'm not holding off, I just need time to think
about what's been happening. I need space.
I wish I could call him.
~~~~~~
11:53p - Made the team
She's barely back one day, and already everybody wants to hurt her.
Chloe is back. I thought it would be uncomfortable but we both just acted like
nothing had happened. I gave her a great big hug, and after that it was smooth
sailing. What got her on every jock's most wanted list was an article she wrote
for the school paper. I have no idea how she managed it, but she got it to press
this morning. She even laughed about getting hate mail. Can you believe that!
She totally freaks me out sometimes. I swear I have to keep an eye on her every
second I'm at school. Who else would do it?
She calls all the football players jock-straps which I think is totally
hilarious. Pete doesn't share my sense of humor. It's just a harmless name. I
just ignore it. Plus, hey, called worse names in my time.
I did it. I joined the football team. My dad is totally pissed. He ordered me to
quit, but I defied him.
I was scared at first, but he made me so mad. He doesn't trust me at all. It
hurts to know that. My mom stayed out of it. She's smart. My dad is so stubborn.
I don't care. I defied him. I had to. He's never going to give me the chance to
prove myself. And how am I supposed to prove myself if he never gives me the
chance.
I played my first game today at practice. It was amazing. I loved it. I'm
playing the tailback position, (Just like my dad did).
Lana wasn't there.
My dad showed up, but only to make sure I didn't hurt anybody. I thought I did
pretty good, but dad didn't seem to care. He left before practice ended. I was
pretty disappointed. Why does he have to do that? He makes me feel like a little
kid again.
After practice I saved the principal's life. He was trapped in a burning car. I
didn't get hurt at all, and the principal is going to be okay, but when I got
home my dad freaked. I was totally careful and all he could do was be suspicious
that I screwed up somehow.
I really love my dad but sometimes he just makes me so sad. The way he's always
acting like I don't know what I'm doing. It's my body! I know how to control my
abilities! He has no idea what it takes. So much of it is just subconscious.
Isn't it that way for everybody? I mean we all have to be careful when we hold
delicate things. I guess for me the difference is, in my case, everything
is fragile. Sigh.
I'm pretty tired actually. I loved being out there on the field. It was this
amazing rush. I just wish my dad hadn't left before the game was over.
It doesn't matter. What ever I say, he's never going to trust me. He's always
going to use the same excuses. I'm so sick of them. All my life it's all I've
ever had to do. I was never allowed to play with other kids. PR is the only
friend I have for a reason. When I was growing up I never went to birthday
parties except his. I didn't even have my own birthday parties. Not that we even
know when my birthday is anyway.
Sorry, I sound really whiny. I'm just really upset. On top of all this Lex is
too busy being businessy to see me. Not that I didn't expect that. I mean he is
a grown-up.
I had coffee with Pete, and Chloe, and Lana was there as a waitress. I was so
shocked. I couldn't believe it! She quit the cheerleading squad. She loves
cheerleading. Now I won't get to see her at the games. That was one of the
reasons I wanted to play. Okay, I know, but I can't help it. I was hoping for
more time around her. Whitney, who is now my team mate, didn't saying anything
at all to me about it.
CS took off just as we were sitting down for a cup of coffee. I probably should
have followed her. She has this knack for getting into trouble, but I wanted to
stay, and be near Lana. Plus I was hoping Lex would make an appearance. I kind
of miss him. After all the great advice I was given by the people on my friends
list, I know I'm ready to face him without embarrassing myself. Oh well, maybe
I'll see him tomorrow. Maybe I should call him again, tell him about the
football stuff. He might not understand. After all, I'm playing with the guys
who turned me into this year's scarecrow.
~~~~~
9:17p - Another freak day for the freak boy
Sometimes I just want a normal day. I was all set to go out to the pep rally for
the big game. I had this great talk with my mom just before I left. I think
she's on my side about this whole thing, unlike my dad, who's still not talking
to me.
The school news office was set on fire, and Chloe thinks the coach somehow
controlled the flames. She gets some pretty crazy ideas sometimes, but I think
she might be right. She told me the flames followed her. I was pretty freaked
out when I saw that she was trapped in the office and it was on fire. When I got
there to help her, the flames had died down.
If anything had happened to her, I don't know what I would have done. I was mad.
Unfortunately, the office is a total wash. She was upset. She didn't even care
that her life was in danger; all she cared about was the office.
After that, I stopped by the coffee shop to see if Lana was working; she was.
She looked pretty, and very determined. Lex was there too. We sat and talked.
Lana got his drink completely wrong, but Lex was cool about it. It was some kind
of whipped cream thing. When he drank it, he got some on his nose and lips. It
was cute.
Lana was too busy to talk so I sat with Lex for a while, and drank my coffee
while he sorted through some paperwork. His dad is making him fire a bunch of
people, but Lex said he'll try to stop that. He's so good for this town. I mean,
if he weren't here, whomever his dad put in charge would have just fired those
workers without a second thought. Lex said my rebellion against my father, and
LL's own rebellion against her aunt inspired him. I think that is so cool.
We sat for a while. He seemed okay with me just quietly watching him. It was
nice. After he packed up, he offered me a ride home. I could have gotten home on
my own, but this way was much cooler. He was driving the Ferrari today. I love
his cars.
It was a quiet ride. He didn't say anything at all. I wasn't really expecting
much, but he seemed preoccupied and kind of sad. He seemed pretty tired too. I'm
worried, since he hardly ever seems so out of it.
At first I figured he was thinking a mile a second, about how to save those
jobs. He's the kind of person that looks like he's always thinking. I really
like that. But I think maybe there was something else going on. Like something
more was bothering him. He just seemed so down.
When he dropped me off he just smiled and said see you. I know he saw his dad
today. I think he might be a lot more upset than he was letting on. It's late,
but I'm going over anyway. I'll think of a good excuse. I need the truck or it
might look funny that I showed up without it.
~
11:35p - friendship
I'm back from seeing Lex. He was in bad shape. He was drinking and alone. I
didn't lecture him or anything. After all, I have no idea what it's like to be
him. I have a clue that his life is rough. I just wish I could do something for
him. In the mean time, I've decided I'm going to be there for him whenever he
needs me.
I was still scared but he looked so sad, and so I finally did it, I hugged him.
He didn't really hug back, but he didn't push me away. He told me I would never
understand. He's probably right. I'm just a kid and my dad has always been there
for me. Lex's dad seems to take pleasure out of riding him.
I just sat and listened. He's really a strong person. I can't imagine having to
go through all the things he goes through, and still be able to stand tall.
After that, we just talked quietly about silly stuff; things to take his mind
off work, and his father. I held his hand, and I hugged him again. He was much
more receptive the second time. I just wish my body had behaved. One word of
thanks whispered in my ear, and it was responding to him.
It was nice, and he didn't seem to notice anything strange, not that I pressed
up against him or anything. I was just afraid he'd say something.
I'm tired, and I promised Chloe I would go talk to one of the football players
before the big game. She claims he's willing to tell the truth about the
football cheating scandal.
Night.
~
11:37p - More for just me
The freak that is Clark Kent
1. strong enough to lift a truck
2. faster than a speeding train
3. able to survive a head-on crash
4. probably gay
I wanted to kiss him. I can say it here where nobody else can see but me. He
looked so sad. I think, no I'm pretty sure I have a crush on him. A guy that my
father hates. I want to do things like hold him, and keep him safe. He's so
fragile. Emotionally and physically.
The wonder that is Lex Luthor
1. gorgeous
2. compassionate
3. understanding
4. probably not gay
I can't ever tell anybody. His friendship means so much to me. Even though we
haven't known each other for long, I have a feeling it's going to be the most
important friendship of my life.
I wish I could tell him about the alien thing.
~~~~
9:22p - Fire tickles
Well, the last game is over and I didn't even get to play. In fact the coach is
dead. Chloe was right. He was controlling fire. I went to talk to that guy; the
one Chloe said would talk. Well, he talked. He told me about the coach and how
he can do things with fire.
I couldn't really tell anybody. I mean what was I supposed to say; Excuse me
sir, but the coach of our football team is a fire starter thanks to the meteor
rocks that followed me here? Nobody would believe it. So yet again I hurt
somebody.
Deleterious - that is what the meteor rocks are.
After my dad saved me and I watched the coach kill himself. Not really a normal
teen life right. I was pretty mad at the time. I mean the guy left me for dead
just so he could win a football game. I've decided that football just isn't for
me. I won't be asking dad if I can try out next year. Dad and I talked and
things are much better. We were both being stubborn.
After the game I went out to the field and found Lana. She was fired from her
job, but she wasn't really too upset about it. She's a lot stronger than people
give her credit for. We stood in the middle of the field and just screamed. I
never would have done something like that before I met her.
We drove home together and talked about things. She wants to get to know my
friends, which is really cool. She saw me last night when I went to visit Lex,
and asked about it. I felt sort of weird about that. My first instinct was to
lie to her so I did. I couldn't help it. It's like the lying is a built in
defense thing for me.
Who knows, maybe for my kind it is.
I have to go to bed. I have this really bad headache, which is weird because I
never get headaches.
~~~~~~
12:08a - Lex has a clone!
Lex pushed me through a window today! I was in town to get something for my mom,
and he ran into me. I was so startled to see him. He pushed me into the
sunglasses store. I couldn't believe how strong he was. I don't think it was him
though. It just makes no sense because the police told me he robbed the bank,
and then ran. See he would never do that. Something really strange happened to
me too. I can't even say it. I didn't tell my mom and dad.
God, I am such a freak! I hate this.
I spent the morning doing chores. Dad and I fixed the tractor again. Sigh. That
thing has broken down so many times this month, I think I might just toss it
into the next county, and say it was stolen so dad will go out and buy a new
one.
This afternoon (after the window crashing incident) I hung out with Pete. He
hadn't been over in a while so we shot some hoops, and talked about the coach. I
didn't tell him everything that happened. I told him that the coach had gone
insane and was so bent on winning that he tried to kill me, which was true. I
just confirmed what Chloe had already told us about the fires. I have no idea
why the coach killed himself like that. Maybe he wasn't trying to kill himself.
I will never understand people that want to harm others.
Pete stayed for dinner. It was great having him over. We watched an hour of TV
after dinner. Pete the big suck-up got my mom to break out some of her amazing
apple pie. Not that I'm complaining, I love apple pie. It was so good.
I had to call it a night because I got another head ache. I kind of know why
they're happening. I feel fine now, but just a few minutes ago my head really
hurt. My eyes ache. I know that sounds weird, but I have never really felt pain
before. I think I'm going to go to bed early. Maybe I'll feel better in the
morning.
I was going to call Lex to see if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but I am
feeling so crappy. Oh.
There it goes again. My computer is so dusty! Wow, this is so cool. It's gone
again. Oh well. Maybe being a freak isn't so bad after all.
Night.
~~~~~~~~~~
12:29a - it's not him and other Lex things
First thing this morning, Lex stopped by. He came to ask about what I saw. It
turns out he was out of town when his look alike was robbing the bank. I was so
relieved. I even joked about it with him. He was really very nice about it. He
even apologized for me being thrown through the window even though he didn't
have anything to do with it. I thought that was pretty nice, but dad just walked
away. It kind of made me a little mad that he treated Lex that way. I asked Lex
if it would be okay if I stopped by later for a game of pool. He said yes. After
he left mom gave me this weird look. I hope she doesn't pick up on anything.
Lana called later on around five. She asked if everything was okay and if it was
true about Lex. I told her I never once thought he would do that. It was so nice
to hear that she agreed with me. She seems to be warming up to the idea that Lex
is a nice guy. That made me so happy.
I didn't do much except boring farm stuff, so I won't talk about that. Since it
is a friends locked post. I want to talk about my visit with Lex.
I went over around seven. I was hoping for earlier but dad kept coming up with
something new for me to do whenever I tried to leave. When I finally escaped,
thanks to my mom, I got there at around seven fifteen. Lex was just hanging out.
He seemed pretty tired but he didn't ask me to leave or anything, so we settled
into one of the many rooms at the mansion. We talked for a bit. I think I was
pretty boring but he listened very intently. Like he really cared what I had to
say.
Anyway, he suggested we watch Spiderman instead of playing pool, but I'd already
seen it. Besides I wanted to take advantage of the fact that mom and dad weren't
there. So I asked if he had the Sopranos. He did. We settled in with some milk
and pie. It was really good pie. I made a total pig of myself. Lex barely
touched his piece, and in the meantime I ate a whole pie!
The show is really good. Chloe would always tell me about how good the writing
was, but I had no idea it was this good. I have no idea what mom and dad don't
like about it. Oh well, I got to watch the first two episodes. Except I missed
the second half of episode two. Lex fell asleep. I'm not sure when, but he
passed out right there on the sofa beside me. I let him be since he was so tired
from all the fake Lex bank robbery excitement. It was probably stressful.
Lex looks so beautiful asleep (this is where the friends post part comes in) I
couldn't help myself. I hardly ever see him relax so I watched him sleep. I even
touched him. He's so soft. I think maybe he has no hair anywhere; although he
has eyebrows and eyelashes. I looked really close to see if they were real.
Okay, I was curious I just thought it was strange that he had them and not other
hair. I couldn't see any hair on his arm, or the back of his neck.
I hope nobody thinks I'm some kind of creep for doing this. If you had seen him
asleep. He looked so amazing.
I touched his head. Not that one. I also touched this scar he has on his top
lip. I don't have any scars so I was really curious about what it felt like. I
want to ask him about it, but I think I might wait until we've known each other
better. I tried to guess how he got it, and the only thing I could come up with
is that it had something to do with his dad.
Although that weird thing I talked about before happened again. And I almost got
an eyeful of a very bare version of him. I really would rather discover that in
the old fashioned way.
After the show finished I woke him. He was pretty upset that he'd fallen asleep
on me but I really didn't mind. I didn't tell him what I did while he was
asleep.
I'm in my room now after taking care of some stuff. I have the sleeping image of
him etched in my brain. I know it will be what I think about tonight as I go to
sleep. Although, really I haven't stopped thinking about it.
I am so screwed.
~
3:26p - It just never gets easier
I'm home from school early today because It happened again. In gym class
while I was climbing the rope of torture, It kicked in and I saw more of
Pete than I ever wanted to. Now I know how gross we are under all that skin.
Muscles and stuff are not pretty to look at. I freaked to say the least.
Since I fell off the rope, they sent me home early, so now I'm up in my room.
When I told my mom and dad they weren't very helpful. I mean, it's not like I
came with a manual. 'At this age his special vision will kick in' etc.
My mom needs to go into town so I'm going with her. I couldn't go anywhere near
Lana today. She was wearing the necklace. I also heard a rumor going around that
she and Whitney did it. I just don't believe it at all. She's not the type to do
that.
Got to go. More later.
~
3:50p - X-ray vision
I wanted to make a post that only I can see.
I have x-ray vision now on top of everything else.
It's not just x-ray vision. I can see through walls and stuff. I can't control
it, but dad thinks I should be able to learn how to in time. I hope so. It's
really annoying when it just suddenly kicks in.
~
9:44p - My clone tried to run over my mom or what B movie did you star in
That sounds like the name of a really bad movie doesn't it? It's true. It really
happened.
When I went into town with my mom she went to pick something up at the antique
store. I saw Tina, this girl from school, go into the store. Her mom runs it.
That thing happened again, and I saw something really strange. I don't know what
to think about it, but I think something is going on. I'm not sure what. I have
to look into it more.
Mom claims I tried to run her over with our truck. She swore it was me!
After we got home (Don't ask how.) I went out to do the deliveries after we got
the truck back. Who ever borrowed it, just abandoned it.
Lex was home when I got there. (His Monday produce consisted of apples and corn
on the cob) I made sure he was my last stop. He invited me to hang out, and
shoot some pool. I had a great time. He was in a much better mood this time. He
seemed really happy. When I asked why, he told me he had just bought a new car.
He showed it to me. It was a red Ferrari! The nicest car ever. He took me for a
drive with the top down. I wanted to ask if I could drive it, but I am only
fifteen. Oh, what a sweet ride!
At first he went the speed limit, but then I asked him to go faster. When we
got back to the mansion the butler guy told me my mom had called. She was so mad
when I called back, so I had to rush off. Even though I had to run off, Lex
still looked happy. I'm so glad I could cheer him up.
However, I am now grounded. Can you believe that? My dad was pissed because I
still had chores to do, and he needed the truck. I guess I should have called.
I'm not allowed to go out for three days except to school, and to do deliveries.
Then after that, I can only hang out with my friends to do homework.
Three days isn't too bad. I talked them down from a week. I so was not going to
be grounded for a week! I'm fifteen! My mom didn't even stand up for me like she
usually does.
I wanted to call Lex to tell him about that, but my mom won't even let me use
the phone. Sheesh, why is it that moms can always make you feel like a little
kid?
I'll call him from school tomorrow. Homework now.
~~~~~
10:28p - Not much of a day
So after all the excitement of the other day I finally get a nice calm day. Not
much happened. Since I'm grounded I can't go anywhere. I'm in my room now
waiting for mom and dad to go to sleep. They're finally in bed. I offered to
wash the dishes so they could be together. (Since my mom was almost run over
they've been kind of mushy - yuck! - can't go there)
I want to call Lex to tell him about being grounded. I'm just afraid it'll
remind him that I'm just a kid. I mean, who gets grounded at fifteen? Do any of
you have this problem?
I tried the wounded look, but I'm pretty sure mom is immune to it. Dad just
gives me this look that says 'try it on somebody else.'
I'm really bored, and restless. Hold on.
I think they're asleep. I'm going for a run. See you guys later.
~~~~~~~~~~~
12:48a - Back
This is so not a good sign. I just went for a run, and kind of ended up at Lex's
place. He was up doing work. I sneaked into the Troy room, and got caught by
Lex. I guess I should never be a cat burglar, although the x-ray vision would
come in handy.
Lex was really nice about it. I felt bad since he was so relaxed and casual.
I've never seen him as relaxed as that. His shirt was open and he was wearing
socks. pants too.
I tried to x-ray to see through the socks. Just to practice of course. Anyway,
he offered me a snack, and we went to the kitchen. He looked so beautiful in the
moonlight. It sounds dumb to say that about a guy, but I can't help it.
Since this is very private and nobody but me will see it, I will admit it. He
made me very excited. In fact I am getting excited thinking about how excited I
was back at the mansion. I had to excuse myself to take care of it in his
bathroom. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. My mom and dad would be so
disappointed.
He smelled so good. He smelled amazing. He smelled sexy. I am turning red just
typing this. I'm pretty sure Lex was as excited as I was. Although I guess I
shouldn't just assume it was me that made him that way. But if it was, that
means he likes me like that! I have no idea what to do about it. Should I talk
to him about it? Or maybe I should wait until he says something. He did reach
out and touched me. It was on the elbow. I thought I saw something in his eyes.
This is moving way too fast for me. I have to slow down. God I can't be
attracted to my best friend! I just can't! At least I won't be able to go over
there for the next few days. Maybe I'll tell dad to do the deliveries tomorrow.
I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I could use the time to distance myself from the
situation.
I could talk to mom. I think she likes him. I know she's more willing to accept
him than dad is.
I never did get that snack.
I am so fucked.
~
8:19a - on parents and other things I ponder
So early morning and I am way more coherent now. I went for a run and ended up
at the mansion. I can admit to myself that it's where I wanted to be. I watched
Lex for a few minute. He looked like he was working really hard. Probably on
something that will help the town.
I get pretty fed up with hearing my dad slam him so now I just tune him out.
Every time I mention Lex, dad either grunts or says something nasty.
Which is really unfair since my dad taught me all my life not to judge and here
he is, judging Lex based solely on his last name. Isn't that hypocrisy?
Mom and dad were still asleep when I got home. I really didn't care if they were
or not. I shouldn't have been grounded in the first place as far as I'm
concerned. I have to get ready for school now. I'm really in a cranky mood this
morning. I think Tina is turning into other people and doing things. That might
explain everything that's been going on.
If you think that sounds crazy, you never lived in my town. This stuff happens
all the time. Trust me. I'm going to check her out today. Watch her to see if
she does anything weird. After my mom told me she found money with a bank band
wrapped around it at the antique shop, I'm more sure now that something is going
on with Tina.
Mom's calling me. She's always yelling that I'm going to be late. Like that
would ever happen. Later.
~
11:21p - holy clone batman
What the hell is going on!
I had the worst experience ever tonight. Lana came by. Only it wasn't her. I
thought for sure it was. It looked exactly like her, and acted exactly like her.
It's been another crap day. I had to call the police, and tell them that I saw
the money from the bank robbery in Tina's locker at school. (Which isn't the
crap part since this totally gets Lex off the hook) It turns out she really can
shape shift! So when she, as Lana, stopped by, she hit on me, and told me she
had her eye on me. I was pretty confused since Lana is still dating Whitney.
(And I've wanted to hear these words from her for so long)
She kissed me. I tried to stop her. I would never want any guy to kiss my girl.
When I pulled away it was Tina.
My second ever kiss and it turns out to be a psycho bank robbing (as Lex) girl.
My life just sucks. On top of that it's all my fault!
I hate my life!
I could only see Lex for a few minutes today. It was a nice few minutes, but it
totally sucked that I had to leave right away. My mom even reminded me. She was
pretty adamant that I get home right after. I had the feeling she was talking
specifically about Lex.
I have math and English homework to do. Plus I wanted to finish reading that
Nietzsche book I started yesterday. I'm actually kind of tired tonight.
~~~~~
11:15p - parents
School sucked. They still haven't found Tina, and on top of that Lana was
totally unapproachable today. That is, until she came over tonight. She just
left. She said she was out for a jog, and happened to be near our place.
I was pretty surprised. She talked to me about something so personal. Her
parents died when she was three, and she watched it happen. It's hard for me to
even write it here since it hurts so much.
She talked about her mom, and how she found her diary. I was happy for her, but
after she left, and I came inside I started to think about my mom. I'm adopted.
I've known this all my life, and every single day of my life my mom and dad have
told me that I am the best thing that ever happened to them. I love them, but
now that I know the truth (and it's a truth I still haven't come to grips with)
it's hard not to think about who my real parents are, and where they are now.
Why did they let me go? What did they look like?
I went to look at IT. I stared at it for so long. I held the tablet my
dad gave me. It's so freaky looking at these things that came from my real
parents. I'm sure they had a good reason for leaving me in that field where my
mom and dad found me. I just wish I knew what it was. I know I'll never find
out.
I wish I could go over and talk to Lex about this. I need somebody right now,
and mom and dad won't cut it this time. But I can't. I have to lie to him about
these things. I wish I could tell him the whole truth. I'm just so afraid. I
just couldn't take the fear in his eyes when he hears what I really am.
I didn't even get to see him today at all. I find myself thinking about him a
lot lately. I wonder what his life was like growing up, and I wonder how he's
doing and what he's doing. I wonder what he was like at my age. If he already
had dates. Though I don't like to think about that too much.
I think about what he likes. I mean I know some of the things he likes, but what
else. He just seems so closed in, and like he's too afraid to reveal things
about himself.
For me, it always comes down to my secrets. I don't even think I can get close
to anybody because of them. And I really wish I could. I feel kind of lonely
tonight.
I have to get to sleep. Mom just yelled at me to turn off the computer.
Night all.
~~~~~~~~~
1:24p - So my plan is...
My friend and I are going to look for Tina today. She needs to be stopped, and I
feel like I have an obligation to do this. It also bothers me that she robbed
the bank wearing Lex's skin, so to speak. Part of me hates her for doing this
and part of me identifies with what she has had to do all her life: hide who she
really is. I know how this feels.
~
8:34p - Close your eyes
Tonight has to be one of the worst nights of my life. First, I had to fight
Tina. She wanted to take over LL's life. I stopped her, but I have to say, I
really identified with how Tina felt. She wanted normal, and that isn't possible
with her condition. I know how that feels. It's what I want.
The police took her away. I had to stand by and watch as Lana and Whitney went
into her house. I'd just saved her life and she was with him not me. It hurt
more than I could even say to my mom, but she could tell. She was very
understanding and now I'm up in the loft alone while Lana and Whitney are
together. I don't even want to think about what they might be doing.
I need to get out. I need to go for a run. I need to be anywhere else but here.
~
10:21p - why me
I just ruined everything with one stupid move.
I ran tonight for a long time. I found myself at the mansion, and Lex was in.
That is Lex by the way. His name is Lex. He was sitting by a dying fire with a
drink in his hand. I was so emotionally distraught. I still am. I'm worse in
fact, because I just made such a huge mistake.
I kissed Lex. When I say kissed, I mean I started it.
It's the first time I've ever kissed anybody. I hate myself because I was being
so selfish. I was upset over what happened earlier. I was lonely and he just
looked so lonely too. I thought ... I didn't really think at all. I just grabbed
him and did it. I forced myself on him. I have never done anything like that. I
just grabbed him and forced him to kiss me. I'm very strong. He wouldn't have
been able to break free from me.
I can still taste him on my lips. I can still smell him.
At least now I know for sure how I feel about him. He's probably never going to
talk to me again.
I was so afraid, I got out of there as fast as I could. I don't know what to do
now. Please help me. I'm so scared. I can't talk to my mom or my dad about this.
They would never understand. What should I do?
My mom freaked when I came back so upset. I just lied and told her I was sad
about Lana (Lana). Luckily, mom left me alone.
Except now that I am alone, all I can think about is how I just took off on him.
I kissed him and then I ran. I shouldn't have left him there. I should go back
or call or something.
I'll call tomorrow. I'll ask him to pretend like it didn't happen. I don't want
him to hate me. He's going to hate me.
~~~~~
8:46p - it can't rain all the time
I went to the house. He was gone.
I had a huge fight with my dad today. It was raining nonstop. (Somehow I'm sure
that's my fault.) I did my chores and then some. I needed something to take my
mind off things. I didn't care about the rain.
Later, when I went back in I asked mom if Lex had called. My dad totally lost
it. I've been checking to see if he called almost every half hour. He cursed Lex
out, and ordered me to never talk to him again. Then he stormed out to the barn.
(if you wonder where I get the running away from; look no further)
We're still not talking. Mom came up a few minutes ago to ask how I was doing.
She's such a cool mom. I wish I could tell her, but I don't want to give my
parents reason to hate Lex. In my dad's case, even more reason.
I called him six times, but there was no answer. A few hours ago I decided to
stop by. It was still pouring rain, but I didn't care. I ran all the way there
since dad had the truck.
He wasn't home. When I asked where he was nobody would tell me. I checked the
garage, and one of his cars is missing. The one we went for a drive in was still
there so I sat in it for a while. I thought it would make me feel better, but it
just made me feel worse. I got so upset I ran again. Only this time I ran to the
farthest point of his property.
I'm back now. I tried to call again, but voicemail picked up. I'm too scared to
leave a message. What do I say? How should I explain what happened?
Maybe it'll be like with my dad where we just start talking again as if nothing
happened. I don't know about that. I read all the nice stuff and advice you guys
left (thanks so much. It really helped), and I think you're all right. If I act
like nothing happened that won't change that it happened.
Now that I'm further removed from the moment, I want to go back to it. I want to
feel him close to me again. I want to hold him. I'm still scared, but I'm more
scared of losing him than anything else.
I think I'll leave a message the next time I call. With the way things are going
it'll be the one time he picks up.
~
11:52p - calling
I called and left a message this time. I just asked him to call me when he gets
a chance.
My mom made me some apple pie. She watched me eat. I think she was hoping I
would confide in her. I couldn't do it. I thought about it, but I just couldn't.
I was too scared. I did ask her about dating. She told me about her and dad's
first date. It was a really nice story.
Dad still won't talk to me. He's more stubborn than a mule. (That's what my mom
said) I also told her I wasn't going to stop seeing Lex, and that dad would just
have to live with that.
I guess I talked more than I thought I would. (Pie is my mom's secret weapon.) I
wanted so much to ask about how she'd feel if I was gay. I chickened out again.
Maybe once I've talked to Lex I'll be able to confide in her about this. I hate
keeping secrets from them, but the truth is we all keep secrets from other
people. I'm going to tell all of you one of my secrets right now.
I think I'm gay.
Okay you probably figured it out, but I have to tell you, the one kiss I shared
with Lex was more of a turn-on than the two I shared with Chloe and fake-Lana.
~~~~
9:41a - confusion
You just won't believe....
It's not getting any easier. I called again. I couldn't help it. This time I
called the mansion. I asked when Lex would be returning. His butler (or what
ever he is) said that maybe tonight master Lex would return. He actually called
him master Lex. It was weird.
Dad is so mad at me. He hasn't said a single word. When I asked mom about it,
she said they talked for a bit, but again; stubborn mule. He's going to make me
suffer all weekend and I didn't even do anything wrong.
Maybe if I work by his side all day, he'll be forced to talk to me.
Mom's calling. I better go. I have to fix a gap in the fence in the far field.
(this one is kind of my fault)
~~~~~
10:45a - all is right with the world
I went by last night and we talked. Everything is fine now. I'm pretty sure it
was seeing Lana with her boyfriend that set this off. I was lonely and I thought
that I could substitute somebody else. I just wanted comfort. Lex understood. I
think.
I promised him it would never happen again. Maybe Lex is right, maybe I do like
Lana. But then why would he kiss me back? I thought maybe... but I guess not. I
also promised never to run out on him. I was the one who made the whole thing
harder. I shouldn't have run. I didn't even ask him where he was. I feel like
such a bad friend.
The truth is, while I was making the promise I wanted to kiss him again. I know
that's not fair to him or to me, but I couldn't help it. He looked so tired and
so . . . (I can't call a guy pretty and other stuff like that) I've never seen
him look like this before. He looked confused and sad and maybe a little hurt.
When he touched me on the knee I thought for sure something was going to happen,
but then it didn't.
He was relieved we worked it out. I guess he only kissed me back because he was
caught up in the moment. He never once said he liked it or that he wanted it.
After we talked, we played a game of pool. Then he tried to convince me to go
after Lana. I just can't do that. Lana has a boyfriend and I won't interfere
with that. If they break up I'll step in, but until then I guess I'll just have
to stay friends. I don't mind so much.
Mom and dad are talking about money again, or lack of it. Things haven't been
great this year. I do a lot of work on the farm, but I know it's not enough. I
wish I could help them more. I talked to Lex about it last night. He reassured
me that everything would work out.
Dad's talking to me again. Out of the blue just like that he suddenly asked me
when I'd be home from school. Today is delivery day and he wants me to get them
done by six so he can have the truck back. This means I won't be able to stay
over at Lex's this afternoon. Oh well, we can always talk another time.
~
9:34p - sigh
I just got back from a party by the lake. I hate these stupid things, but Chloe
wanted to go. I felt kind of bad that I didn't spend any time with her this
weekend. It was kind of annoying to say the least.
Sean approached me to ask if Chloe was single. I told him she'd never consider
going out with him. Then I watched as he hit on her, and she wrote her phone
number on his hand. I wanted to tell her what he did to me last month, but then
I would have to tell her that I was the scarecrow. I wasn't about to go there.
We left shortly after the pizza arrived, but not before we grabbed a few slices.
Lana and Whitney were there. I just stayed away. There was no point. She was in
his arms. She looked really happy.
Oh well.
The best part of my day was when I saw Lex for a few minutes. Unfortunately it
was a short visit since I had to get the truck back to dad. He looked really
good. I mean he was wearing a suit. He's a business man. Let me just say I hate
suits but he looked . . . just wow. It was probably really expensive.
He must have just gotten home since he was removing his tie.
I know I will think about how he looked when he took his tie off for quite some
time.
I can fantasize can't I?
~~~~~
10:08p - I have a non-date . . .
. . . with Lana. This afternoon I was kind of watching Lana at the coffee house.
She was just reading like she always does. I was trying to figure out some
things. Then Lex stops me and tells me to go for it. He even gave me tickets to
this really cool concert, and offered to throw in the limo.
I was pretty surprised, but I took the tickets and did what he said. I asked
Lana out to the concert. She said yes. I made sure she knew it was just a
friends thing, not a date or anything. I mean just because she's seeing somebody
doesn't mean she can't go out with a friend, right?
So tomorrow night we're going to a concert. I'm nervous. I know it isn't a real
boyfriend girlfriend kind of thing, but I've never actually been on a date.
Ever. I've been to some of the school dances, but I always went alone and left
alone.
Part of it has to do with my mom and dad and how overprotective they are. I
don't blame them for it; I just kind of wish sometimes that things were
different. My mom and dad didn't say much when they found out.
~~~~~~~~~~
1:08a - sweet dreams
I just woke up from a dream. It was one of those dreams, if you know what I
mean. This is kind of hard for me but here goes.
We're at the mansion playing a game of pool, and Lex says 'it's kind of hot in
here.' He unbuttons his shirt and lets it hang open. I can't help but stare at
his bare chest. It's so nice and smooth and pale. He notices me staring and sits
me down on the leather sofa. Then he holds my hand and tells me I can touch if I
want to.
So I did. He's really soft. I've already touched his lips from when I saved his
life, and the kiss so I know how they feel.
I lean in and kiss him again only this time he grabs me and pushes me back so
he's on top of me.
That's when I woke up with wetness everywhere. It's embarrassing. I usually
don't have those kinds of dreams. Most of the time once I've taken care of it,
I'm good for the rest of the night. I'm still excited.
I better clean up. Night.
~
1:39p - the big night
Chloe and Pete teased me relentlessly at school. They even figured out that it
was Lex's doing. I guess it's because we've been spending so much time together.
Sean tried to ask Chloe out again, but before she could even say a word he took
off. The guy is such a jerk. I wish she wouldn't bother with him. It's not like
she isn't pretty. I think she could easily get a guy.
She promised to come over today after school to help me decide what to wear on
my non date. Apparently when I'm out with Lana my parents will be over at Lex's
talking about money. I hope my dad gives him a chance.
~
10:34p - It was....
... a total bust. I was so nervous I resorted to card tricks. She didn't seem
all that excited to be there. She even turned on the TV in the limo. Which was
kind of a plus since the news was on.
Chloe made a - what did she call it - 'fact finding mission to see if he's
worthy of a date.' with Sean. If Lana hadn't turned on the TV, I would never
have seen the story on the news about Sean's ex girlfriend being killed.
I dropped Lana off at the coffee house, and promised to be right back. I
couldn't let Chloe meet up with Sean.
I saved Chloe and took her home.
I guess it wasn't meant to work out. At least Chloe is okay. I was so relieved I
made it to her.
After that I had to go see if I could salvage the non-date. I couldn't. She was
gone; which actually didn't bother me that much. What really bothered me was the
fact that Sean went after everybody I care about. He tried to kill me (I'm
fine).
It's over now. Lana is home with Whitney - she sprained her ankle. My mom and
dad are asleep. Sean never got near the mansion. He tried to attack it. There
was no way I was going to let him near all the people that I care about.
Lex was entertaining my parents.
I think I'm going to go see if he's okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~
11:17p - interesting night
Where to start.
I went to the mansion last night. So much happened. It was a great end to a
horrible day.
We sat and watched TV for a while. I was too tired to talk. All I can say is.
Wow. He was only wearing pajama bottoms, and when I arrived he didn't cover up
or anything. He looked so hot. I lay my head down on the sofa, and pretended to
fall asleep. He touched my hair. Actually, he stroked it. (It was really nice.)
I was exited to say the least. So was he, I think. Then he offered me a bed. Not
his unfortunately. :)
I asked him to stay with me until I fell asleep. After everything that had
happened, I just didn't want to be alone. He agreed to stay. It was really nice
to have him there. I felt safe. Which is kind of weird since I am the strong
one. He smells so nice. Not like me. I smell kind of funny.
We fell asleep in the same bed! I was so content. So happy. When I woke up a few
hours later I was pressed up against him. (One of my fantasies.) He was so warm
and soft. He wasn't wearing a shirt. His skin is so smooth; like silk. I wanted
to stay close to him, but I was afraid of what he would think.
After that talk, and how he helped me get the date with Lana, I'm just not sure.
I'm more confused than ever.
He went back to his own room once he woke up, (which sucked - and not in a good
way. Hey I think of that kind of stuff. At least now I do.) I wanted him to
stay, but how was I supposed to do that. I'd already faked sleep to get him
closer.
I couldn't think of any way to keep him close so I just went to sleep.
The next morning was great. I felt so good. I took a shower in the nicest
bathroom ever. (The bed was huge. I loved it) when I went back to my room I went
through the wrong door, and ended up in Lex's room. That was kind of
embarrassing. He was already dressed, and I was still in my towel. He was cool
about it though. I had to borrow socks and boxers from him. I'm still wearing
the boxers. I think I might keep them. Maybe he won't remember. They're not silk
or anything.
So, I got dressed after embarrassing myself, and went down to have some
breakfast. He drove me to school (first we stopped off at the farm, and picked
up my book bag)
I caught Lex staring at me. I know he watches me. I really like that. It kind of
makes me feel special. Last night when he went back to his room, I'm pretty sure
he did the same thing I did. (I think you know what I mean.)
I feel kind of sexy right now. Lex does that to me. I've never felt that way
with anybody before. Not even Lana.
My mom and dad are pretty mad. Mom sent me straight to my room after school. I
can hear them arguing now. Dad is kind of freaking out. Shoot, I hope they don't
make me stop seeing Lex.
I have to go now. All this writing about Lex has made me kind of excited. I have
to admit. I feel really comfortable writing all this here. It gets easier every
time to admit to myself how I feel. Thanks.
Oh and before I forget, I made Lex blush. You might think this is not a strange
thing, but that's because you don't know him. He never blushes. Until today that
is. His head turned bright red it was so cute. I wonder what would have happened
if I'd said what I really wanted to say. I guess I'll never know. I called him
cute too. I was so embarrassed. I do that a lot; embarrass myself. I'm pretty
good at it actually.
I can't help it though, he really is cute. I wish I could show you what he looks
like. God, he's just the most wonderfully exotic creature, that's what I should
have called him, exotic. He really is.
I have to go; mom and dad are about to lay the 'hurt on' as Pete would say. I
guess I'll be grounded again.
Oh, and it was the nicest drive to school ever. I wonder if he'd let me drive
his car now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:43p - Days
We had the memorial service for Sean's girlfriend today. It hit pretty hard
since all I could think was it could have been Chloe. It was a horrible way to
die, and a part of me feels like it's my fault. If only I'd been able to save
her.
My mom and dad had a really long talk with me today about responsibility and
stuff. They were pretty mad about the other night. I guess I should have told
them where I was going. When I asked my mom if it was because it was Lex, dad
said yes and mom said no. She just wants me to let her know where I will be just
in case. They know I can take care of myself, but I guess they still worry.
So I have to come home right after class for the next week, unless something
comes up, and I have to do extra chores. I'm supposed to start some community
service work next week but I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. Mom said
that was fine.
Dad, however, was really quiet. He acted fine when I asked if I could spend the
night over at the mansion. I pointed out that I was asking, and that I could do
my chores tomorrow in the afternoon. They said they'd think about it.
I asked Lana why she goes out with her boyfriend. I was just curious. I mean,
he's done things that aren't so nice. She told me he makes her feel safe. The
irony is not lost. I mean I've already saved her so many times. Some of them she
doesn't even know about. I guess I can't be the guy that makes her feel safe. I
know I can't be there whenever she needs me. I tend to run off on her. So far
I'm 0 for however many times I made her a promise.
I can live with that. It just kind of sucks if you know what I mean. I feel
alone when things like this happen.
~~~~~~~
11:27p - long day
I am so tired. My dad made me do every single chore he could come up with today.
After Lex drove me home dad worked my ass off. He's not mad or anything I think
he's just taking advantage of my offer to do anything he wants. I had to draw
the line at re-painting the house on the outside. Although I probably could do
it.
I have to make a confession. I took something from Lex's place. This is going to
sound so stupid, but I took a bar of the soap that was in the guess bathroom. It
smells so good, and I figure he won't miss it. He has lots of soap. I wanted to
take something else. I still have the boxers. I forgot to return them. Oops.
I washed them earlier, along with my bed sheets, since mom and dad went out to
dinner. They needed a night out with just the two of them so they went to the
city.
I already finished my homework and shot some hoops. When that got boring I
decided to run to the back field. Now I'm just sitting in my room.
The night over at the mansion was kind of tense at first. I stuck my foot in my
mouth. I felt so embarrassed I wanted to leave, but Lex just brushed it off. I
think I really hurt his feelings. I'm kind of ashamed that I acted that way. It
put a bit of a damper on the rest of the night. I was so nervous so I thought I
would tease him, but that totally backfired. I'll know better next time.
We had brownies. (My mom won't let me since the chocolate makes me totally
hyper. I'm having chocolate ice cream right now.)
We just watched some TV and then went to sleep. I stayed in the same guest room
as before. The next morning I joined him in his room, and we watched some TV and
ate breakfast. It was really nice. He seemed in a good mood and he didn't bring
up my major blunder from last night. I was relieved. (I asked him about girls,
and why he doesn't have more over. Then later I asked him about sex. About when
he first did it. He was kind of vague, but I think he did it for the first time
when he was really young. Maybe even younger than I am now)
He drove me home in the red Ferrari again. I love that car. I'm still too afraid
to ask him if I can drive it.
Very weird thing happened. I don't know how to take it. All I know is it's
totally out of left field. Chloe stopped by this afternoon. She asked me why I
was over at Lex's and asked if I have something more than friendship with him. I
couldn't believe she would say that! I totally snapped at her, and she drove off
mad as heck. I mean, she'd never ask me that if I stayed over at Pete's house.
I mean it just seemed like it came out of left field. Why would she think this?
Did she see something? I didn't do anything where anyone can see. At least I
don't think so.
I'm not handling this well. I need to back off or something. I need to figure
out what the hell is happening. I feel tense and jumpy now. Must be the ice
cream. I better go burn it off.
Oh, I didn't play games with Lex. Just pool. I almost beat him too, but I
stopped the game. And I peeked at his legs. Yes I know I promised myself I
wouldn't but I couldn't help it. I was too curious. They're hot! And purple
boxers. Also no hair on his legs.
I am too jumpy now. I need to go somewhere really far away.
~~~~~~~~
10:26p - boring day
I'm finally finished all the chores. You wouldn't believe how much there was to
do. My dad took full advantage of the agreement we made. I didn't really care
since it's pretty hard for me to get tired.
They're kind of boring so I won't go into detail. I also had to do the laundry
since everything I owned was dirty or ripped. When I went over to Lex's the
other night I had to dig deep in the back of my closet for old jeans that I'd
only worn a few times since I hated how tight they were. Mom bought them for me
a year ago, but they were the wrong size. I'm not even going to go into how much
laundry there was. It seemed like I was doing loads for hours.
Like the post says; boring day.
I still want to write here at least once a day. It is fun and I really enjoy
putting my thoughts down. It's also very interesting seeing what other people
think. So far I've gotten some great advice, and some of the comments have
really given me a lot to think about. Lex is one of the things I think about
almost constantly these days. I can't help it.
I'm beginning to realize that I have to be very aware around Lex. He keeps me on
my toes and I love that. I can't ever remember being so stimulated by anybody as
much as I am when I'm with him. I love that he makes me think.
Mom and dad are in bed now. We had a little talk. It was kind of strange. Dad
seemed nervous and mom did most of the talking. They actually asked me if I've
had sex yet. Why would they think that? I don't even have a girlfriend. Mom gave
me a pack of Trojan condoms. I really like that my parents feel comfortable
about these things, but it was weird taking the pack and promising my mom that I
would be careful.
There are other reasons for them to be concerned. I mean I am different. I'm not
even sure if I'll ever be able to. I'm glad they're so honest about it. Although
they did remind me that I really should wait until I'm 16. (I'm betting they
wish it would never happen.)
Too bad, because if I have anything to say about it, the sex is going to happen.
One day with somebody I love and who loves me back. I know that might seem naive
to some people, but it's just the way I feel. I could never just sleep with
somebody.
Guys talk about it in the locker room. I guess Lana didn't wait. I know that
Whitney and his friends are all non-virgins. (is that a word?) Anyway, one day I
know it'll happen. I can wait. I told mom and dad that was exactly what I would
do. When I figure out who the right person is, I'm so there. Maybe I should do
some research. It's not like I'm totally clueless about these things. Like I
said, I hear stuff.
I'm hungry again, so I'll go eat and then maybe I'll do some research. The
Internet is a pretty great place to find out stuff. Mom and dad even told me
that if I have any questions I should not hesitate to ask.
I can just see it. 'Mom, how do I know if Lex wants to do things with me?' Oh
yeah, that would go over well.
~~~~~~
9:19p - tell the future
Today I met a woman who can tell the future.
All she has to do is touch you, and she can see things. She touched me and told
me that somebody close to me would die soon. I immediately went home and checked
on my parents. They were fine and they didn't believe me when I told them about
Cassandra. It's true though. She touched Pete and told him he'd be walking home
since he locked his keys in his car.
I decided to read to Cassandra for my community service. Every student at the
school has to do some each year, and I figured since Lana was already there I'd
talk Pete into doing this so I could see more of Lana.
But something really unexpected happened. Chloe stopped by earlier. She wanted
to talk about Lana. She told me her and Lana are getting closer, and they're
interested in pursuing something more. As in like that. I was pretty stunned. I
didn't even realize Chloe liked her or even talked to her. She always making fun
of her.
She wanted to know if it was okay since she knew how much I liked Lana. What was
I supposed to say? 'No you can't, I liked her first.' Besides, she doesn't like
me like that. She wants me to get over it.
I know I've been going on and on about Lex but it still really hurts to know
that she doesn't feel that way. At least before when I thought I had a chance I
could dream, but now Chloe told me Lana just likes me as a friend.
I wish I could go to Lex. I want to run to him every time something happens that
I don't want to deal with. That scares me. I saw him today since it was delivery
day. He was driving like a maniac. I told him to be more careful, and he just
pointed out that I would save him. When I told him about Cassandra he actually
agreed with my mom and dad. I believe her. She told my friend he'd walk home and
he had to. She was right.
I want to go see her again. I mean I have to anyway, but I want to. She might be
able to tell me things about myself. I just feel so confused. I need answers.
One of the residence from the home disappeared. It's really weird. He's this guy
who murdered somebody a long time ago. It's kind of creepy. Lana is a little
freaked over it. I guess she has Chloe to comfort her.
I feel so out of it tonight. I was hoping Lex would be able to do something, but
I'm not allowed to go out. Mom asked me to stay in, and I just don't feel right
about leaving them alone after what Cassandra said. What if something happens to
them?
I think I'll just call him.
~
11:08p - the call
I called him. For some reason it felt weird. He was drinking again. I had no
idea what to say, I felt like such a goof. At least I made him laugh with my
stupid jokes. I also asked him out on a date. Well, sort of. I didn't say 'let's
go on a date' I just asked if he'd like to go to a movie some time. So we're
going to see one on Sunday. I'll have to remember to check what's playing.
I wanted to ask him about stuff, but wasn't sure how to bring up the subject of
sex. I told him about mom and dad giving me condoms. It didn't really have the
desired effect. Oh well, maybe I'll try something different next time. He did
tell me a little bit more about how he used to use sex, drugs and rock and roll
to ward of teenage loneliness and confusion.
D called me a fag again. He's usually easy to ignore but he really went out of
his way to bug me today. I told Lex about this. We talked about teasing which
wasn't what I was hoping for again, but I had no idea how to ask if he though I
was a fag. or maybe get him to tell me if he liked men that way. I wanted to. I
mean I want to know a lot of things about what he's thinking. I'm just not good
at bring up the topic. He told me he'd been teased too and he also told me how
he used to deal with it. I wanted to know everything, but I didn't push.
He seemed kind of melancholy. I want to run to the mansion, and hold him. I want
to protect him from everybody: his father, my father, the whole world.
I did that search on line last night, and found some decent web sites that
talked about first times, and that kind of thing. One of my biggest fears is
that I'll hurt the person I'm with. I think I'm going to do more research
tonight. For now, I guess it will have to be my right hand.
I have to get to bed now anyway so I can get up early and do some chores dad
wants done.
~~~~~~~~~
11:27p - I'm alone
I went to see Cassandra tonight. I needed to know. I wanted to know what the
future holds for me.
I wish I hadn't.
I'm so tired. Every time I turn around, somebody is hurt by me. Everywhere I
look, I see pain and suffering caused by me. She saw a vision of me in a
graveyard surrounded by tombstones. The names of all my friends and families
were on the stones. My father, my mother, Lana, Chloe, and Pete.
I've been sitting here in the dark thinking about this. I was so freaked out at
the time, and didn't realize it until a few hours later. The only tombstone that
wasn't in the vision was Lex's.
I don't know why that was the case, but it has to mean something. I wish I could
call him again. He mocked Cassandra when I told him about her. What would he say
if I told him about this? Could this mean that he's the only person in my life
now that will still be around in my future? I have even more questions than I
had before. I need to know. Maybe I could convince him to go to her. Convince
him to let her look into his future. What if I'm there in the vision she sees?
The truth is I want him there. I want him to be a part of my future. He told me
that he didn't want anything to stand in the way of our friendship. Does that
include death? Was I meant to be on that bridge? Was I meant to save him? If
that's true? Why?
I have so many questions to which I may never have answers.
School totally sucked. I spent the whole day avoiding Lana and Chloe. Pete even
noticed I was acting weirder than usual. I can't tell him about all this. I mean
the girl of my dreams likes the other girl in my life. I thought it would be
easy, but every time I saw either one of them, I had to duck around the corner.
Eventually I ran into Chloe. I knew I couldn't make it through the day without
running into one of them. She'd been talking to Lana before she turned around, I
nearly slammed right into her. Yuck. Just thinking about our conversation makes
my stomach hurt. I don't even want to talk about it here.
This is so confusing. I hate it! I wish I had somebody I could talk to about it.
~~~~~~~~~
11:45p - Another day
Well this just totally sucks! I just wrote up all these feelings, and this
stupid program crashed. I am so angry right now.
On top of that Lex called me to his house in the middle of the night to show me
that he still has the car from the crash. He told me why, but I still don't get
it. Why can't he just be happy he's alive? I'm happy he's alive.
I told him he should just move on. I had to lie to him again. I'm too scared to
tell him the truth. I'm scared he'll hate me. I'm scared of what my parents will
do if I tell him. I owe my parents so much. If they hadn't found me in that
field, I don't know what would have happened to me. For all I know, I could be
in a lab somewhere, or worse, in jars. I can't tell Lex my secret because it
isn't just my secret. My mom and dad have protected me for so long, I
just can't do that to them. I know what they'll say if I ask them if I can tell
Lex.
What does he want from me? My feelings for him are growing stronger. He had
people look over the car. They told him there was no way the crash happened like
I said. Why would he do that? I know he's the type of guy who needs to know
things. He hates a mystery. Maybe I should stay away from him, but I can't. I'm
drawn to him. I can admit that much.
I hope he believed me. Because if he didn't, then I don't know what I'll do. I
feel hurt and kind of betrayed. I mean, it's his car, and I know he can do what
he wants with it, but why does he have to keep it?
I also went to see Cassandra again. She told me that my destiny was to save
people. Then she showed me some of the people that I would save. One of them was
Zoe a waitress from the Beanery. I saved her from the killer. Chloe thinks that
it's Harry one of the nursing home residents doing a time warp care of the
rocks. I just can't believe that no one hasn't gotten rid of them. They are so
dangerous to humans.
It didn't help that I had to be around Chloe and Lana. We were so busy trying to
figure out what was going on that we didn't really have any time to talk about
other things. This suited me just fine. I'm not really anxious to talk about it
any time soon.
The thing that worries me the most is Lex. I wish he would just let it be. I
want to call him right now, but I can't. I have this fear that he'll call me a
liar and hang up on me. It makes me think of those horrible dreams I was having.
~~~~~~~
9:38p - I officially hate this
My mom just almost died! It was Harry from the old age home. I was so relieved
when dad and I saved her that I didn't even care that Harry died in a rain of
corn.
That was sort of pretty much my day. A few awkward moments with Chloe and Lana,
but I think it's getting easier. It's Lana's birthday soon, and I really wanted
to do something special for her. I don't know any more. I'll have to think about
it.
I didn't get to see Lex at all today. When I called, his cell went straight to
voice mail. The butler said he was out of town. I wonder where he is. I miss
him. I want to hear his voice. I actually called his cell a few times just so I
could hear his voice.
Chloe called earlier to check up on mom. We talked for a few minutes but I used
the excuse that mom needed me to get off the line.
I think I'll call Lex again. His butler said he'd be home some time tonight.
Maybe I'll go by the house and wait for him to get home. Is it stupid to miss
him this much? Especially after the car thing.
I keep thinking about it. It's a moment in my life that I would never change,
yet it's a moment in my life that has placed me front and center in the mind of
a very powerful man. I'm terrified. I can't tell my mom and dad. I have to
pretend like it isn't happening. I have to trust that Lex will put it aside just
like I said.
~~~~~~~~~~
10:50a - I'm worried
I went by last night to see if Lex was around. He wasn't, so I hung out near the
house out of sight. He returned really late, but I didn't bother him since he
looked so tired. I wanted to go talk to him, but how was I going to explain why
I was there.
I watched him through a window for a while. He looked so sad, almost like
somebody had died. I ached to go to him. I think I'll go see him later today.
Maybe we could play a game of pool.
I'm supposed to be in class right now, but I ducked into the torch office. I'm
still avoiding Chloe and Lana but I think I'll talk to them today. Separately.
~
10:52p - The talks and other things
I had the talk with Chloe. It was really awkward, and she seemed kind of out of
it. When I asked her if she wanted to talk about it she said no. I think I'll
see if Pete has more luck. Lana and I ran into each other in the hall. It was
kind of awkward. We ducked into the Torch office for privacy. She was really
nice about it. The worst part; it just made me like her more.
I stopped by to see Cassandra again. She was dead. It was her she saw in the
vision. When she told me somebody was going to die I think it was her she was
talking about. It totally freaked me out, but that's not the worst part. How
can't it be the worst part you ask? Well, Lex was there. He looked so terrified;
I had to follow him home.
I just got back from there. It's not good. He kept going on about how I should
stay away from him. How he's dangerous, and how he was the one who killed
Cassandra. She was really old. I mean ancient old.
When I first found him his hand was bleeding. He'd cut it, and even though he
told me it was an accident I know it was deliberate. He cut himself. I'm not
sure why. He said that Cassandra died because she saw his future. I think he cut
the hand that touched her.
I kissed him again. Only this time I didn't back down or run. I held him close
to me, and kissed him. It was terrifying. I was so scared, and then he pushed me
away and told me we couldn't do it. I refused to let him do that.
He asked me to stay. I pulled him closer, and held him in my arms until he
fell asleep.
God, he's so beautiful! I took him up to his room and watched as he slept. It
was the most calm and content I'd felt all month. He woke up briefly, but I
urged him to just get some sleep. He looked so exhausted.
I had a nightmare about the graveyard. Again there was no gravestone for Lex. I
think it means something very significant. I'm not sure what. Lex was better
after he'd slept. I was so afraid he'd notice how excited I was to be so close
to him, but either he was being very polite, or he was just too upset to notice.
I slept in the same bed as him! I didn't actually intend to fall asleep, it just
sort of happened. I was watching him sleep and before I knew it, I woke up from
the nightmare. I was still in the bed with him. I think I hurt him in my sleep.
We had a quiet dinner. I was sort of babbling about dumb stuff, but he seemed
interested in what I had to say. That is one of thing I love about him; he takes
me seriously. After we finished he drove me home. I wanted so badly to just stay
with him for the night, and make sure he didn't try to hurt himself again. I
know he cut his hand on purpose.
I wished I could have kissed him right there, but I know that is not a good
idea. My dad has this bad habit of showing up at the worst times.
I watched him go. He seemed much better than when I found him. I hope he is. It
hurt deep inside to see him fall apart. He's always so calm. I am really looking
forward to the Sunday movie date.
~~~~~~
12:03a - Sometimes I wish ...
. . . that the world was my home. But it isn't. No matter how much I want to
be a human I'm not. I'm an alien. I don't belong here. I never will.
I play dress-up every day, and pretend like I belong. I have friends who think
they know me, but they don't. I have parents who raised me, but they are never
going to be my real parents. I will never know what my home world looks like.
And now, I think I can just take something from this planet.
Lex Luthor is not mine and he never will be. He thinks he knows me, but he never
will.
He would hate me if he knew the truth. He would never let me touch him again if
he knew the truth.
All my life I thought I could live with these humans. I thought I could be one
of them. I thought I could have what they have.
BUT I NEVER WILL!
Never. Every time I do something nobody else can, it reminds me that I am never
going to be the same as the humans on this world.
I wish I could open the space ship. If only I knew more about where I came from,
and why I was sent to earth. Was it an accident? Is my home world even there
anymore? Are my people out there searching for me? What do my real parents looks
like? So many questions.
I looked at the space ship again today. I kept thinking about why I'm here, and
eventually I went down to look at it. It's just a big hunk of cold metal, but it
protected me when I was out in space headed for my new home.
This home. Earth. Planet earth. I love this planet.
Invulnerability doesn't extend to my feelings.
I am so afraid of Lex finding out about my secret. I have to pull away from him.
I don't have a choice. What else can I do? I know I love him. I know I am in
love with him. I have never felt this way about anybody ever, and I don't know
what to do. It shouldn't be this strong. It shouldn't hurt this much.
I love him, but there is no way I can deal with the consequences of that.
~~~~~
12:29a - Panic time
I am sitting here trying to figure out when I turned into an ass. I mean I was
the one that asked him to go to a movie and then I turn around and cancel. I
made up a lame excuse about my mom and dad not wanting me to go out on a night
before school. It was a complete lie. I asked my mom, and she said it was fine
as long as I got home by eleven.
My mom and I talked about dating. She figured it was because of how I feel about
Lana, so I didn't correct her. She told me she doesn't want me to get hurt. I
guess that's what a mom is supposed to say. At first I asked her what she liked
a guy to do on a date, so she told me with this big smile on her face. She
seemed pretty excited about this new development. I wanted to ask how she would
feel if I went out with a guy instead of a girl but I chickened out.
I'm back. I called Lex.
He was drunk. We talked and I confessed that I had lied earlier about why I
couldn't go to the movies with him. He was nice about it but I could tell he
didn't like that I lied. We talked for a while and I told him how I really feel
about him. I got kind of confused while we were talking, but I think everything
is going to be fine. I asked him to give me time. I really need it. I need to
figure things out.
I told him I loved him. I actually said it out loud when he was awake and he
heard me. I think I had a panic attack after I hung up the phone. Oh god! What
the hell am I doing? He's six years older than me. He's gorgeous, sophisticated,
worldly and, not to mention, a guy!
I'm just a country hick. What does he see in me? Oh gosh, I think I will panic
now.
9:11p
Mmmmm I am eating pumpkin pie right now. I saw Lex today. He was so hot, but I
controlled myself around him. I was a good boy. We just flirted a lot, and he
was so amazing. *sigh*
More later. I still have a ton of homework, and a ton of chores to do. Plus Pete
is supposed to call. He's been going on and on about this really nice girl Jodie
from school. She's so sweet and kind of shy. I saw the way he looked at her in
class today. It was great to see him get all flustered when she walked by. I am
so happy for my friend. When Lana passed us in the hall she smiled and said
hello. Pete poked me in the ribs, and teased me. I just smiled and thought of
Lex.
Off to clean some hay. :)
~
11:18p - Oh man
I'm blushing while I'm writing this, even though only I will read it.
Oh wow. I have to get this down so that I can be reminded of the day I came in
my jeans with Lex right there beside me. It was so hot and amazing. He was so
hot and amazing.
We played pool, and I didn't even care who was winning. He told me his dad had
been to visit him yesterday. I was worried since his dad and him don't really
get along.
I couldn't help myself. I had to hug him. Then one thing led to another, and
before I knew it we were kissing. I couldn't stop it; he couldn't stop it. It
was so hot and amazing. Lex is just so hot. He pushed me against the pool table,
and I thought for sure he was going to lay me down on it, but instead we just
made out like teenagers. I asked if this was okay, and he said yes. More like
moaned yes. It was so hot, and I was so hard.
Before I knew what was happening I was coming in my pants. I was so embarrassed.
But he was great about it. He didn't mock me or laugh or anything like that. He
held me and caressed my head. It was so nice to have him there. I've never been
with someone before, you know, right after I've come. I've always been alone,
since it was just me doing the touching.
I feel like I have this great big secret, which I guess I do, since we're the
only ones who know.
He was hard too but he wouldn't let me take care of it. I was really nervous so
I kind of just followed his lead. I mean he knows way more about this stuff than
I do.
After I left, I watched from a hiding spot as he sat down and pulled out his
cock. He was gorgeous, and I watched as he stroked himself to climax. He came
all over his shirt, and he moaned my name. It was such a turn on. I wanted to go
back in, and lick it all off just to see what it tasted like.
I am getting so turned on right now just writing this. I didn't think I could do
it, but since nobody else will read it but me, I feel safer. Thank god for
private posts. I know I will be making more of these in the future.
Well, I'm off to jerk off.
~~~~~~~~
11:02a - Just taking a second
Okay since I posted it as a private post originally I can give a non R rated
version here.
I did the deliveries yesterday and, when we were playing pool, I kind of fell
all over Lex. We made out against the pool table. He's so hot and amazing. I had
such a great time with him. He told me we could do things like make out, fully
clothed in case you were wondering, but that he would give me time to work
through how I feel about him.
I know how I feel. That isn't really what I need to think through. It's other
things. Like how to deal with all of this. I know we'd have to hide it from
everybody since I'm so young, and, plus, we're both guys. I checked out the
laws. He'd be in so much trouble if we did things beyond kissing.
I can also tell you that he has the smoothest skin ever. And he's got no hair. I
mean NO hair anywhere. (Except eyelashes and eyebrows)
That is totally hot.
Later.
~
11:12p - confusion
I am so confused. Today I helped Lana with homework, and while I was over
Whitney showed up. They talked about a try out at Kansas State. They kissed.
I thought Lana was supposed to be dating Chloe? I don't get it. Why was she
kissing Whitney?
I'm going over to see Lex soon. I called and he wasn't home yet. It wasn't
really that exciting a day. School was boring. Pete talked about Jodie non-stop,
which is totally cool. It's so nice to see him happy. I'm really happy for him.
I'm off now. Later.
~~~~~~~~~~
5:21p - Almost sex
Last night was the best night. I went over to see Lex. He was in bed already
since it was almost 11:30 pm. I kind of invited myself in. He didn't stop me so
I took off my shoes and socks, and climbed into the bed with him. He wasn't
wearing a shirt. In fact the only thing he had on were these gorgeous emerald
green silk pajama bottoms. I pulled them down, and got to see for myself just
how hairless he is down there.
I stroked his cock until he came all over his stomach. It was so sexy, and the
biggest turn-on Then as he watched, I licked his come off my fingers. I think I
totally shocked him. I was pleased that he let me do it to him. He looked so
hot. God, I was so happy. I started to fall asleep. Total cliché, I know, but I
was just so content.
I want to make him happy. I'm just afraid I won't live up to any of his other
lovers. I really like the idea of somebody overpowering me. But at the same time
I love the idea of overpowering Lex. He's always so in control, I'd love to pin
him down, and do things to him. I'm going to have to do some more research to
figure out what two guys do in bed together. So far I've mostly just done some
basic internet searches on how to handle your first time. I'm going to try to
find something on line about gay first times.
I want to go over there right now, but I have a lot of harvesting to do.
~
5:24p - Lay me down
I went over to see Lex last night just for an hour. He was up having a nightcap
so we sat, and talked a bit about how we're going to take it slow. We kissed,
and it was so nice. I really like kissing him. That was all we did though.
I have so much work to do that I don't really have the time to write here right
now. Soon though I'll tell more.
~~~~~~~
1:19a -
I'm escorting Lana to her birthday party. She stopped by to drop off an order,
and since she told me Whitney wouldn't be there I kind of blurted out that I
would take her. My mom was standing right there. I figure if she sees me ask
Lana out, there is no way she will think I am into Lex. Plus I figure Lana isn't
ready for the town to know about her and Chloe.
Lana said yes, so I guess she doesn't totally hate the idea. I promised I would
make it this time, since I have such a lousy track record with her. I ran after
Lana after she left our place to let her know why I did it. She seemed cool with
that.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lex stopped by a while ago. He just wanted to say he was sorry he missed me
earlier in the day when I dropped off his produce. He left me a note. I have it
in my back pocket.
I told him about Lana. He was pretty mad. When I explained why I was going with
her, he seemed fine with that.
I guess this means I'm dating him now. I mean he pretty much asked me to be only
with him didn't he? It seems like it. When he kissed me the first thing he said
afterwards was that I couldn't get that on line. He's right. Plus, his kisses
are so awesome. It was kind of a possessive kiss too. Total turn on.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would use more exclamation points but that would be a very boring post.
My mom interrupted us while we were up in my loft. She didn't see anything. She
just yelled up to us from below. I knew she would come out because Lex was
there. She always does that. My parents have this thing, when ever I'm alone
with somebody up here, my mom comes out first. If we don't leave in five minutes
then my dad comes out. Parents are so devious. I was glad she didn't come up. It
would have been hard to explain me kissing Lex like that.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~
8:23p - Why?!?
I am the reason Lex is bald! God, why does this keep happening to me? Today when
he came by the torch office he confided in me about how he lost his hair. I have
been waiting for so long to know what the story behind his most distinct feature
is. To find out that I am to blame: god it hurts. He claimed it was fine since
he thinks if it hadn't happened he wouldn't be who he is today. What can I say
to that? I hate those meteors so much. If only I hadn't fallen here. If only
people didn't keep getting hurt by it.
~
9:52p - My life is one big Teen drama
So I have this talk to Chloe about Lana, and why I asked Lana to her party. She
seemed cool with it. We were on our way to animal control to investigate a dead
deer that she thinks Jody hit. Yes Pete's Jody. It was totally gross. Sometimes
I think Chloe has the lamest theories and sometimes I think she's just
brilliant.
I'm worried about her finding out about me and Lex. I don't want anybody to
know. He's older than me, and if anybody knew, it might get him in trouble. I
would never do that to him. I need to think on this. I know we need to be very
discrete.
Lex stopped by the school today. At first I thought he was just there to see me.
But he was there to meet Chloe. I wonder if he was checking up on me. He even
commented on me escorting Lana to her party. I reminded him that Lana and I are
just friends. I think he was putting on a show for Chloe's sake. She totally
gave me this ice look after he left. I explained to her that Lex understands I'm
only Lana's friend. I don't think she bought it.
Anyway, I did talk to Lana briefly in the hopes that she would give me an idea
of what she wants for her birthday. She told me about her best birthday ever.
Tonight when I was over delivering the produce for the party Lex and I talked.
He was the one who came up with the idea of what I should do for Lana on her
birthday. I was amazed that he even helped me out considering. Of course right
after he told me what I should get Lana he pinned me to the sofa, and kissed me
until my lips ached. Just telling about it here makes me hard.
~
10:06p - I hate my life
I'm not human and she doesn't know it. I know she doesn't know it, but to have
her say 'it's what makes you human.' God Nothing makes me human. Nothing ever
will. I look like them; I act like them but is that because I was raised by
them?
I wish Lex was here.
~~~~~
3:26p -
Well, the party is tonight. I have everything set up for her gift. I hope she
likes it. I am excited about this. I really want to keep my promise to be there
for her. She just seems too anti-birthday. I would give anything to be able to
have a real birthday. I don't know when I was born, since my parents found me
abandoned. I wonder when Lex has his birthday. I should be able to find out
easily enough. Later.
~
9:47p - Not again
Well another human is hurt due to the meteor rocks. I am so sick of this. These
people never asked for this, and yet Jody is now in a hospital because of what
the rocks did to her. I feel so sorry for her, but most of all I feel bad for my
best friend Pete. He was falling in love with her. I could tell by the way he
talked about her, and by the way he stared at her.
When is this going to end? My dad and mom can say it all they want. I feel like
I have to help these people since the meteors came here because of me. When my
dad tells me I shouldn't feel responsible, how can I not? If I had never come
here, this never would have happened.
~
9:51p - And again
I let her down again. I couldn't allow my best friend to be killed so I went to
save him right when I was supposed to be going to the party to be by Lana's
side. It doesn't really bother me that much since I saved Pete's life.
Poor Jody. It turns out she has this horrible illness. Pete is devastated. We
took her to the hospital, and I stayed with him while they admitted her. He
looked so upset I just couldn't leave him there alone. I am so saddened by what
happened. She only wanted to be thin because she thought it would make people
like her more. The stupid thing is, Pete liked her just the way she was. She's
such a sweet girl. I know she didn't want to be different. Nobody ever does.
After I left him there with her, I went home. I tried to salvage my broken
promise by going over to Lana's house. As I said before, Lex helped me with her
gift. It was a fake drive-in movie thing with cartoons just like what she had
told me about.
I'm going to return the projector tomorrow when I go over for our date. I really
need to be with him, and explain why I wasn't there for her. I'm just so afraid
he'll think that I'll make it a habit, and one day not be there for him. I would
do anything to make sure that never happens. I just hate that I broke yet
another promise to Lana.
~~~~~
12:12a - Cheers and Chores
I had so many chores to do today, I thought I was going to collapse. I think dad
saved them all until Sunday since he knew I would have the day to do them. I
really like helping my dad. I mean, he's not as strong as me.
First of all, I have to say that if it wasn't for the support and encouragement
of you people I never would have had the courage to pursue things the way I have
with Lex.
I had a pretty cool weekend. Lex and I went to see a movie on Saturday. He let
me drive! I was so excited. It was the coolest ever. If you have ever driven a
Ferrari, then you know what I mean.
We saw an old black and white movie The Big Sleep. It was really cool. Lex was
cool. It was really nice and relaxing.
After the movie he let me drive home. It was a nice night. I had a great time
and I haven't felt so relaxed with anybody in such a long time.
More later, since I am so tired I could sleep for a week.
~
4:09p - Walking on cloud nine
I am so ecstatic today.
I just have to think about the weekend, how much fun I had, and everything is
perfect.
After the movie, we went back to the mansion, with me at the wheel of the
Ferrari. We played a game of pool, and talked about dating. When I asked if we
were exclusive, he said YES! I am so excited; I might break the keyboard because
of how fast I am typing this. He doesn't like to use the word dating, but it's
still the same thing even if he doesn't call it that.
It got kind of hot at the pool table so we took it upstairs. I had to sleep in
my boxers and t-shirt since I didn't have any pjs with me. He didn't seem to
mind.
I am kind of embarrassed since I hadn't done anything for a few days it was over
before it really started, if you know what I mean: at least for me. Lex on the
other hand; I had to use my hand. He was so beautiful. I told him how I felt
right after. I told him that I love him. I just couldn't help myself. He can't
say it back but we agreed that he would say ditto after I said the words.
I know this seems fast, but we didn't do anything else. After that, we fell
asleep in each other's arms. It was amazing.
We woke up together. I think he was already awake, and he might have been
watching me sleep. I hope I didn't drool or snore too loud or something just as
stupid. At least I didn't do that other thing I do sometimes.
This morning mom told me she's going to be at the Friday Halloween dance. I know
that its not a kids-only thing, its a fundraiser and everyone will be there but
still, I am already groaning about this. I mean mom at the dance; that just
cramps what little style I have.
I'm going with Pete in a few hours to see Jody. She's in pretty bad shape. I
feel so bad for Pete. I can see in his eyes how much he loves her. I just wish
things had turned out better.
~
10:31p - It's not as bad as we thought
I went to see Jody with Pete. She woke up just as we were about to leave. Pete
stayed behind to be with her. I'm so glad she's awake. She still looked pale but
better.
When I went to drop the produce off at the mansion, I talked briefly to Lex. It
hurt so much to see Jody so I couldn't help but feel down about it. He asked and
I told him what was wrong, and then he offered to make sure she gets the best
care. I didn't even ask him, but he just offered.
We kissed a bit. It was cool to be able to just kiss him, and hold him. He held
me too. I have to admit I like it when he touches my hair. It makes me feel
safe. I would never admit that to anybody. He is so warm and soft. I know a guy
shouldn't be described as soft, but he really is. At the same time, I like how
it feels, his strong arms holding me.
I have to figure out what costume to wear for Halloween. Lex said he isn't
dressing up. Too bad, I would have liked to see what he would wear. Speaking of,
he looked so nice today. He was wearing this real nice sweater, and his pants.
MMMM. Lets just say; hot.
I have to go. I have a lot of homework to do.
~~~
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
6:41p - Long day
I have to move to a new town. We all decided we'd do a Wizard of Oz theme for
the Halloween party. I swear if they ask me to dress as the scarecrow, I will
kill them! Pete and I are picking up our costumes in a few days. He said he
wants to be the cowardly lion because that's his favorite character from the
movie.
My mom thinks it's cute, with us living in Kansas and all. I just went along
because I have no idea what to be. Oh well, I could always go as Toto. That
would be a hoot.
Pete said he was going to visit Jody again tonight. I think those two are headed
for dating status, which would be so cool. It would be even cooler if she were
all better by Friday so they could go to the dance together.
I called Lex earlier to ask if he was able to do anything for her. He said he
was on it, but he wasn't sure since he hadn't found out anything yet. I wanted
to tell Pete at school today. Instead, I'm going to wait until I know for sure
what's happening before I get his hopes up.
Today when Pete and I went to the newspaper office the door was locked. It was a
few minutes before Chloe answered it. Lana was there with her. I'm pretty sure I
know what they were doing, and it wasn't the story they gave. Pete seemed to
believe it though he seemed somewhat confused.
I have a ton of homework again tonight. The workload seems to be increasing. I
think the teachers get a thrill out of it.
~~~~~
12:20a - Thoughts on life
It's hard for me sometimes. I'm so different, but I look so much like them. Most
of the time I don't even think about it, but sometimes when I'm sitting in my
fortress alone, looking up at the stars through my telescope, I can't help but
think about it.
When my dad told me I was from outer space, he gave me this thing. It's a
tablet. I'm not sure what it's for. I held it for a while tonight. It's weird to
know that these things are from my home world. I consider here my home. I've
never known any other place, and yet there is a world out there somewhere that I
came from; a world where I was born.
I was three years old when I landed, or at least that's what they think. I could
be three hundred for all I know. That would suck.
I've also been thinking about Lex a lot. He's become such an important part of
my life. I'm terrified he'll find out about me, but at the same time, I want to
tell him.
I watch him move whenever he's near me. He's so confident and comfortable with
his body. I wish I could be like that.
It doesn't matter. I know I can't tell him. Dad would freak out, and probably do
something very drastic. Sometimes I think dad just wants to hide me away from
the rest of the world and never let me out into it. I wonder what he would think
if I told him that I don't want to be a farmer like him.
~
8:21p - Where do I go from here?
I'm so shocked right now; I just don't know what to think. Yesterday Jody went
missing. When I say missing, I mean she's gone. Pete went to visit her last
night only to discover that the hospital had discharged her. They wouldn't say
where she went just that she went to another facility.
I just found out a few hours ago that a man I will refer to as Mr. Big owns the
facility. He is Lex's father. Pete and I found out about it earlier today. When
we found out Pete took off. He was angry beyond words.
On top of that, Lana stopped me in the hall to tell me she would be there for me
if I needed somebody who understood what I was going through. What could I do? I
thanked her and told her if she needed somebody to listen, I would be there for
her. I think she suspects something about Lex and me. She wouldn't understand
though. I have no idea what I'm going through, and I didn't want to say this to
her, but there is no way she would understand. I mean, if what Lex and I have
done so far was to become public, even by accident, he could go to jail!
There is no way I am betraying him that way, I don't care how close I am to Lana
or anybody else in my life. If I haven't told Pete (who by the way has been my
best friend since I was four) I would not tell anybody else.
I know they entrusted me with their secret, but it doesn't mean I have to give
them mine does it?
Chloe helped us track down where Jody is. Sure enough, it's some company owned
by Mr. Big, and it's in the city near us.
I had to stop Pete before he did something crazy. I offered to help him get Jody
back no matter who was involved. The drive into town was strained. We didn't say
much. When we arrived at the building, we parked a few blocks away, and after a
little trickiness on my part we managed to sneak in (don't ask how). We stole
some cleaner's uniforms, and managed to blend in until we reached the room where
they had Jody.
The security guards almost caught us because Pete was so busy freaking when he
saw what they had done to her. It was terrible, and I hated seeing it, but I
hated the idea of going to jail more. So I pushed him out of there and we ran as
fast as we could. When it looked bad, I distracted the guards while Pete made it
back to the car.
The drive home was worse. Pete was so upset I had to drive, and I'm not
technically licensed to but what other choice did I have. We made it home safe.
I left Pete at his place, made him promise not to do anything crazy, and then I
ran home from there.
I'm staring at a fax that Chloe uncovered that shows Lex knew Jody was gone, and
did nothing about it.
I called him yesterday and asked if he'd found out anything about Jody yet. I
know he was the one who offered to help, but he lied to me. He told me he was
still looking into it. How could I have done this? I pointed her out to Lex, and
now Jody is in a lab being experimented on, just because she's different. I
don't know what to think.
I'm going over to see Lex about this. He'll have to tell me the truth when I
show him the evidence. I'm not going to be confrontational; I'm just going to
ask him why he didn't tell me about Jody being gone.
~
10:19p - This day just can't get any worse
After everything that happened with Jody and Pete, I went over to confront Lex.
I say confront because that is what I ended up doing, even though it wasn't what
I set out to do. I couldn't help it. By the time I reached the mansion, I was so
angry. I just couldn't believe he would do this to me.
He didn't deny it at all. He was concerned, and didn't want to worry me. I'm not
sure if that is the truth but it rang true when he said it.
I calmed down (with the condemning fax in hand), and then I noticed Lex had a
guest -- Bruce. I hated him on the spot. He's tall, dark-haired, and gorgeous. I
didn't like the way he insinuated there was more to his relationship with Lex
than met the eye.
After the jerk left the room, I couldn't help myself; I grabbed Lex, and kissed
him hard enough to remind him that I'm his boyfriend. When I asked Lex how he
knew Bruce, he admitted they had been intimate in the past. That made me so
angry. I don't know why, but I wanted to go up there, and punch Bruce out on the
spot. It was very irrational and completely uncalled for, but there it is. I
guess I'm the jealous type.
Half an hour after I got home, Chloe showed up. She pressed me to reveal what my
real relationship with Lex is. I just couldn't do it. She was so upset, I felt
bad because I had no idea what to say. She wants somebody to confide in about
her relationship with Lana. She said she hoped that I would be honest with her
since she was honest with me. She just doesn't get that it isn't about her at
all. I would do anything to protect Lex. Anything. He warned me. He hinted that
others would frown on what we're doing.
Chloe has a problem with not being able to show everybody around her how she
feels about Lana. She wants to be able to hold her hand in public, but I don't
feel the same way. It's exhilarating, what Lex and I have. I love the secret we
only share. It's . . . exciting. It's nothing like the other secrets I have.
Those ones terrify me when I look deep inside myself.
So I can't really relate to her. I love lying in Lex's bed, with the knowledge
that only we know what is happening between us. I love kissing him in private.
We still flirt in public all the time. I'm not as good at it as he is, but I'm
learning. It's fun.
In short, I am happy. I told Chloe I would be there for her, but I really don't
know what else to say. I also told her they could show how they feel in front of
me, as long as they don't do stuff . . . I kind of left it at that.
~~~~
10:02p - Just call me a coward
So I picked up my costume for the party. The one Pete wanted didn't fit him. In
fact, it only fit me. I'll be dressed as the cowardly lion. Pete got the tin
man. School totally sucked. My mind kept going to that friend Lex has visiting.
I want to stop by just to say hi, but at the same time, he hasn't called me so
maybe he doesn't want me around.
His friend was so hostile last night. I'm not sure why. I guess it's that Lex
isn't his anymore. Maybe I should stop by. Unfortunately, I can't even come up
with a good reason, not that I needed one before. Still, I don't want Lex to get
mad at me. I'm sure he didn't appreciate how I just barged in yesterday.
I can't concentrate. I have to go over and see Lex.
I hope Bruce isn't staying for the party. That would totally suck.
~~~~~~~~
Friday, October 24th, 2003
12:58a - Burn
I have never disliked anybody ever before in my life; until I met Bruce. He is a
pompous, annoying bastard.
I wish I had some kind of laser vision so I could burn a hole in his (something
I can't type here.)
I just got off the phone. I wanted to talk to Lex but he answered
instead! Who the heck does he think he is? I want to go over there right now,
and force him to leave!
There, I got that off my chest. Now I have to go to bed.
~
12:20a - The party was over before it started.
I hate dressing up. The costume itched, and I looked like an idiot. Everybody
else thought it was great. I thought I looked like a big stuffed toy. I just
wanted to be home as fast as possible. I stood in a corner most of the night
listening to Chloe snark on all the costumes. It must have been so hard for her.
Lana was there with her boyfriend.
I wished I could help her, but I had no idea what to say. This was the thing she
hates the most.
At least there was pumpkin pie, and no Bruce.
Anyway, I am so tired, and I need to take care of myself. (that way)
~
12:33a - Lions don't always roar
I feel so much better now that I jerked off. It was torture making out with Lex
in my history class, but not being able to come.
I feel so horny tonight. The party sucked so I tried to escape by going to one
of the classrooms. Fortunately, Lex found me. I was so happy to see him. We made
out on a desk. I think it was the one Chloe sits in. At one point, I stripped
out of the costume. The shocked look on Lex's face was worth it. I wish I'd gone
naked underneath it, but I know I never would. I'm not that brave.
I guess I picked the right costume after all. Lex didn't wear a costume. He wore
a suit that I wanted to strip off. The more I see him, the more I want - more.
Especially with Bruce here. I wanted to let Lex have me just so he wouldn't
touch Bruce. I know he won't, but I was so afraid that when his older friend
came to visit Lex would want something from him.
Bruce and he have already been there. And I have no idea what there is. I
almost told Lex he could tonight. I was only in my t-shirt and boxers and we
were alone. I don't know what to do, but I know Lex could show me. I mean I've
touched his cock. (still makes me blush to write that) but I want to do other
things with it. I read some stories on line where guys do things to other guys.
Maybe I need to rent some gay porn. I wonder if Lex has some. That seems forward
though. I think I'll just find stuff on line.
~
9:57p - boredom can actually kill
I am so bored. My mom and dad went to Whitney's parent's anniversary party. I
wasn't invited. Whitney still doesn't like me. He gives me these looks every
time I look his way. Maybe he wants me. That would be funny. He is kind of hot.
(I did not say that!)
I want to go see Lex right now! I am tired of that jerk being there. I have no
idea what rich guys do together all day in a mansion, but I don't want Bruce to
do anything with Lex.
I am going over right now!
~~~~
12:33a - feeling like a total loser
I just got back from seeing Lex. I feel like I can't do anything right. God he
should just forget about me. I am so mad at myself. I mean he spent the whole
day dealing with the Jody thing. They got her out and she's on her way to a
private hospital in another city. Bruce helped. I didn't even thank them.
The visit went horrible. I shouldn't have gone over when he was still
there. Nothing went right. I tired to be all flirting and stuff, but I just
couldn't do it right. I was the one that suggested we go for a swim, but when
push came to shove I freaked. I guess it was because he was still in the
house somewhere.
I suck at this so much. Maybe I am in way over my head.
I told him I wasn't ready. I told him I thought that if I gave him something
more, he wouldn't want anybody else. I don't get it. I don't understand why he
wants me. I am so confused.
It was too much too soon. I think I'm going to go for a run.
~~~
10:29a - another day in paradise
I am so tired this morning. Yesterday was such a hard day. I woke up early and
did a million chores to get my mind off the last few days. I kept going back to
how I acted. It wasn't the best reaction to the situation, but I can't help how
I felt. I don't know where it came from; I don't know why I did it. I have never
felt this way about anybody. I don't know where it comes from.
My mom spent most of the morning baking so I helped her. I almost opened my
mouth to ask for advice a million times. But what was I supposed to say? I mean
I guess I could have just faked that it was about Lana, but I was just to afraid
I would slip up and blurt out Lex's name. (I can't refer to him as just initials
anymore) Then where would I be.
She did ask if I was all right. She did try to get me to talk, but I just told
her other stuff, like the fact that Lex helped me with that girl and then didn't
even tell me about it. I did mention Bruce but only by his first name. She just
commented that it was nice to see that Lex had other friends. I had nothing to
say to that.
I finally couldn't take it any longer so I took one of the pumpkin pies, and
told mom I was off to spend some time over at the mansion. She just told me to
be home by 11 since I had school tomorrow.
I walked over to the mansion. When I got there, he was in the gym working out.
It looked like he was working off a huge amount of frustration. I guess that was
my fault.
He didn't hear me come in since he was listening to music with headphones on. He
looked so good all sweaty and hot. When I inhaled, I could smell him, and it was
so sexy. (I have it so bad) He just smelled primal. How he manages to do that is
a mystery. I was half-hard by the time he noticed me. Good thing I had my long
flannel shirt buttoned up. It covered any evidence. After all, I wasn't there to
jump him.
We went and sat down to talk. Lex was still all sweaty. It was
driving me nuts, but I managed to stay calm enough.
I didn't even know where to start. I wasn't sure why I had done what I did. I
know it had to do with Bruce. He was so intimidating and so gorgeous that even
when Lex was telling me how much he cares about me, a voice in the back of my
head was telling me it was only a matter of time before Lex got bored with me. I
don't even know why. I mean he's proven repeatedly how he feels.
I guess I was carried away with the idea that somebody found me attractive. I've
felt like such a freak my whole life; it's hard for that to go away overnight. I
feel at a loss when he tells me how attractive he thinks I am. I've never had
that before (except of course my mom).
We talked for a while and it made me very uncomfortable. I just didn't know the
right words. I wanted to cry. I was so terrified that he would tell me to get
out and never come back, but he didn't. I wanted to hold him the whole time we
talked, but his body language told me to back off.
We agreed that we should slow down, and that I should be the one to pace things.
I know what I want, and I should not let anybody turn me away from that. Not
even myself.
I love Lex and I know now that he will be there, and he will not just end things
with me because. . .
I was so relieved when we finally kissed. It was the most wonderful kiss ever.
So beautiful and it made my heart pound. It was the first time where I kissed
him and it felt like something more than sexual. It felt emotional and spiritual
and so many other things I don't even know how to describe. It wasn't just
passion this time; it was something more.
This has become something more for me. Looking at Lex, after we talked, I just
feel different. For a minute, I could believe that he did want me. I saw it in
his eyes and that makes me feel different. I think it's because I'm feeling this
way about him that the thought of him with someone else made me so crazy.
God this just totally sucks, and it's not coming out right at all. I don't know
how to say what I feel. It just is and maybe I need to think on it more.
~
10:52p - Mad as heck
I just don't know what to do. I thought I could trust him, but then I find out
that while that jerk was staying at the mansion he kissed Lex! I found out by
accident. If I'd never stumbled on it, (yes I read his email and i shouldn't
have, but that doesn't compare to what he did) Lex never would have told me
about the kiss. All I could think was that if it was only a kiss, he wouldn't
have lied.
He said he was trying to spare my feelings. Right! How was that supposed to
spare my feelings? And Bruce was so smug, saying that I wouldn't understand. Of
course I wouldn't! What's to understand about that self-righteous jerk throwing
himself at MY boyfriend when he knew about me!
He slept with him, I just have the horrible feeling that he slept with him. That
e-mail implied more than Lex was telling. Lex says nothing happened, but god,
he's already lied before. How am I supposed to believe him?
I'm so upset right now; I smashed a hole in the side of the barn when I got
back.
DAMN!
He touched him, and Lex let him keep staying there.
I can't do this. I'm going to hit something very hard - right now.
~~~~~~~
2:01p - feeling like a fool
I've had time, and a few broken - things since I stormed out of the mansion. I
feel like a complete idiot. I should have believed Lex. That other guy who I now
officially totally hate, is not the one I should believe. I know that,
but what do I do? I can't expect Lex to just say 'it's fine come on back to
me.' I would throw me out on my ass if I was in his shoes.
What do I do? Please help me. I need to figure out how to fix this, and I don't
have anybody I can go to. I have nobody to confide in except you guys. Even if I
can just get his friendship back that would be better than feeling like I just
hollowed out my chest.
~~~
9:03p - Nothing resolved and nowhere to go
I guess I have somebody to confide in now. I didn't mean for it to happen but .
. . I wasn't sure why I told her. I guess she just made me feel like I could
confide. She didn't push, and she wasn't too shocked.
Maybe I do look gay; whatever that means.
I have read all the comments you've left. After all, I did ask for advice. Only
one problem; I'm too afraid to go over. I went by to drop off the produce but he
wasn't around so I left as soon as I heard he was in a meeting. He's very busy
so I guess I'll just wait until I run into him or something. I know nothing will
be resolved this way, but this is the only way I know how to deal. All my life,
whenever my dad and I have fought we just avoid each other until one of us talks
to the other. It's so much easier that way, but I know I won't be able to get
away with that when it comes to Lex. He's not my dad and I can't handle him that
way.
School was weird today. It felt like everybody was staring at me when I walked
by. I know it's just paranoia, but sometimes I feel freakier than usual.
After class, I went over to the coffee shop in the hopes that Lex would be
there, but he wasn't. I feel like a big idiot more and more each day.
When I think about the wording of the e-mail I saw, I realize I shouldn't have
jumped to the stupid conclusions I jumped to. The part that got to me the most -
let's see if I can remember it...
Things will be as they were, as if it never happened, and we can forget. That
is my wish. Also, I dare suggest that Clark does not have to know.
It just makes me sad to know that if I'd never accidentally read this; I never
would have known what had happened. I know I have my secrets, but they aren't
secrets about lovers and they would never affect this part of our relationship.
Okay, maybe I'm not as over it as I thought. I need to see if I can call him
tonight, or I should just go over there. Mom has been bugging me lately. I don't
think she suspects but she keeps giving me these looks. Which totally creeps me
out since moms seem to know everything.
~~~~~
1:15a - groveling works
Well, it worked. I groveled.
I went over there unsure of what I was going to do or say. It was hard, the
hardest thing I have ever done. We talked for a bit, and then when I just
couldn't find the right words, I got on my hands and knees and crawled to him. I
crawled into his lap and begged him to tell me what I needed to do to make
things right. At that point, I would have done anything.
We know we haven't solved the problem, but god it felt so good to just hold him,
and be close to him. He smelled like home. I'm tired now. Maybe I'll write more
tomorrow. All I know right now is, he's talking to me again, and I just spent
the night on my knees.
At least the stress is gone.
~
10:56p - more of yesterday and some of today
Yesterday when I went over, Lex was asleep on the sofa. I woke him and it wasn't
easy. He was glad to see me, but at the same time not thrilled. I guess that
goes without saying.
We talked and I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the right words. I
tried, I really did. And then he told me he loves me. He said the words. The
ones he told me are hard to get out. When I said them back, he told me he didn't
believe me. That really hurt, but I understood why.
When I crawled into his lap, it felt so good; so right. I wanted to be closer to
him. I needed to be closer, and I have to admit, I was so glad when he said he
didn't want to talk about it anymore right then.
I also told him I didn't want to share him with anybody at all. Anybody!
And now, for the bad news. I saw Lex today. (Good part) He told me Bruce, and he
will be meeting a lot in the next few weeks for business. (Bad part) His dad
arranged it. I was cool about it. I didn't freak. I told him I understood and
then we kissed and stuff.
But the truth is I hate it. Why does he have to do this? I mean I know why he
has to do it but still... He told me he wanted me to know right away so there
would be no misunderstandings. I get that. I don't have to like it, but for Lex,
I will show him that I have faith in him.
~~~~~~~~~
11:27p - Lana and other things
I spent the day with Lana. We went horse back riding. It was great. I could be
myself, and she seemed very comfortable with me. It was nice to hear her laugh,
and I had so much fun. She told me that Chloe went to the big city. I told her
about mending fences with Lex, although I didn't give details.
I have to admit she looked really beautiful, and I think I stared a lot. I
laughed a lot too. She is funny when she gets going.
I didn't want to pry too much into her private life. She did tell me that for
Halloween they went to a grave yard and told ghost stories. Then they had a
picnic in an abandoned house. It sounds like she had a great time. I stayed home
and handed out candy to the little monsters.
I'm really happy for the both of them. A part of me thinks that it would have
been nice if something more had happened between Lana and me, but then I
wouldn't have Lex. A very big part of me is very glad I have Lex.
By the time we got back from the ride it was almost five. I had such a great
time. Lana is really nice. I wish we'd gotten to know each other sooner.
Now I am totally bored. I did my homework at least fifty times. I'm not happy
with the essay I wrote for history class. I think I'll have to do it again. I've
been hiding since I got back from riding. I'm not in the mood for chores. It's
given me a lot of time to think about everything that has been happening to me
over the last week.
I haven't seen Lex all day. I want to go over, but I know he has that business
meeting stuff going on. PR hasn't been around lately. I think I'll give him a
call tomorrow to see if he wants to do something.
At dinner my mom talked to me about how to handle it when you like somebody
'like that.' It was weird and made even weirder by the fact that my dad was
there too. It was hard to talk about it so I just mostly listened. I mean, it's
my mom and I know she's thinking of Lana. There's no way she would ever think
that I have turned my eyes elsewhere. I didn't correct her. I just nodded and
agreed with her. I asked a few questions in all the right places, and she seemed
happy with that.
At least they didn't give me more condoms. I haven't even opened the box they
gave me the first time we talked.
Anyway, I'm off to see Lex. He spent the day in the city, and I know he was with
the jerk so I think maybe he needs me to help him unwind. I know just what to
do.
I just went to tell mom and dad I wanted to go out. They were reading the paper.
I think I stayed calm when I saw the picture of Lex, and the jerk on the front
of the financial section. My dad made sure to point it out to me. I am staring
at it right now. They are shaking hands, and the jerk is standing too close to
Lex. I am definitely going over there now!
I will remain calm. I will not run to Bruce's home, and punch him out. There, I
vented. Bastard.
~~~~
2:04a - Aftermath
I just got back from seeing Lex. It was great!
I found him in his office lounging on the sofa. I caught a glimpse of what he
was doing on his laptop. He has a journal. I only caught part of his name I
think it was tablo - then I alerted him to my presence, and he shut the lid
before I could see the rest.
I don't really want to know what it is; I just thought it was so cool that he
has one too. I wonder if he writes about me.
I was so excited to see him that I jumped him. It had been a long time; well, at
least more than a day, since I'd last seen him. He smelled so good, and we
started making out on the sofa. That is, after I pushed him into it. I couldn't
stop myself. I was so excited, and he was so excited. I almost ripped his shirt
off. Actually, I destroyed it I think. He didn't seem to mind.
All that kept going through my mind as I attacked him was that he was mine, and
that nobody else could touch him but me. Nobody! No matter what his stupid
father tried to pull.
We rolled around, and I went farther than I have ever gone. I let him pull down
my pants and touch my cock. (I am blushing as I type this) it was so amazing. I
loved it. I made a big mess, but he liked that. Then I flipped him over, and
returned the favor. I also tasted him. I licked him all over his chest, and did
this thing with his bellybutton that I'd read about. I know I left a few
bruises. I am upset about that since I don't want to hurt him, but not that
upset.
I was carried away at first because I kind of sort of left a few marks on his
neck where it's not that easy to hide. At first, I didn't even realize I was
doing it, and then Lex pointed out that they would be easy to see. When I
realized I was marking him, I found I liked it. Now Bruce will see them, and he
will know to back off.
I do trust Lex. I guess it comes down to not trusting Bruce. But I trust Lex 100
%.
We talked a bit about his meetings with jerk. I told him I trusted him. I really
do. When I went to leave, I said that I loved him. He said ditto this time,
which is what I expected. I know it's going to take a while for him to say the
words to me again, and I totally understand that.
10:40p - I will not....
Mom and dad are gone. They went into the big city for a few days to celebrate
their anniversary. They're even staying in a hotel. Which I know means they're
doing stuff they wouldn't be able to do with me around.
I went into town after they left just to hang, and see who was around. Nobody
was. I was surprised. I hung at the coffee shop in the hopes that maybe somebody
would stop by. The only person I saw that I knew was one of the jerks that had
stung me up. At least he ignored me.
I ended up drinking four cups of coffee before I gave up, and went home alone.
Last night when I went by to see Lex, he mentioned something about tabloids. I
couldn't not look. The curiosity was killing me. I wish I hadn't. Right there on
the cover page was this big article about Lex, and the jerk. If you think 'so
what', well the article implied that the meetings were something more than just
business. Which I know isn't really a surprise, but isn't there laws against
slander. I mean they were pretty explicit about what they implied. Stupid media,
Stupid reporters, Stupid tabloids. Hate them all.
I'm betting some of you might know what I'm talking about now. That article is
hard to miss. If any of you do know what I'm talking about and have seen this
article, then I guess you've seen Lex.
There were pictures too, and in one of them the jerk had his hand on the small
of Lex's back like he was leading Lex somewhere. It also talked about this
impromptu party that they held. Lex didn't tell me about that. It was very
suggestive. I am keeping my cool. I am calm about it. I will not say a word, and
I will vent here on my journal.
So why does he have to keep touching Lex? I hope he saw the marks I left. (Take
that Bruce!)
On another note. MMMMM Apple pie. Mom made some today, and it was delicious. I
loved it. Yummy.
Now I have a trillion chores to do, and then maybe I'll stop by to visit Lex.
~~~~
10:39a - What do I do
I've ducked into the newspaper office to get away from everything. Today, so
far, hasn't been great.
On the way to school Chloe and Pete asked what I was planning on doing with my
newfound freedom. I told them that it would be cool to have a party, but that it
would be just a small low key thing. Just them and Lana.
Now for the thing that has been bothering me all night and all morning.
I'm really not very coherent right now so all of this is going to be a bunch of
whiny rambling complainy stuff.
I went by last night to see Lex. I dressed up real nice, and put on some of
dad's cologne. I wanted to be somebody he could be proud to be with. Somebody as
cool as BW. I figured since my parents are away it's not even really sneaking
over there. He was tired so I didn't stay long. I was hoping he'd ask me to
stay, but that didn't happen. In fact, worse happened. I feel so lost right now.
Those tabloid articles that have appeared in the papers have forced him to
resort to drastic measures. I know he's doing it to protect me, but I still hate
that he has to do it. He said he has to have girls around to show that he isn't
into guys.
He also said he didn't want reporters to snoop and discover me. I know he's
trying to protect me but still it hurt to hear him say that. It made me so mad
too. That these people force him to adjust his life so they won't write things
about him.
I hit so many things when I got home after leaving the mansion. I shredded ever
newspaper in the house, and then I did something I am not proud of; I called
Bruce and left a nasty message on his service. I never do stuff like this but I
will repeat what I told him here. 'You are doing a shitty job protecting my
boyfriend. If you had any brains you'd make sure those dumb articles in those
stupid tabloids never got printed. Jerk' and then I hung up.
Not my best moment, but I just couldn't help it. I can't protect Lex and it
hurts that I can't.
When I went to leave he kissed me and it felt so final; so desperate. I ran all
the way home.
~>
7:44p - Whoever said it couldn't get worse, lied.
You know when they say it can't get any worse. Well they lied.
Not only are the tabloids filled with pictures of Lex with the jerk, but they
have this big article about Lex's past. I couldn't even stop myself from reading
it. Since I can speed read it's pretty hard. Once I look at something I never
forget it.
It said things about how it looks like he's getting back into the colorful scene
he frequented in his younger days. It also mentioned things about S & M. I sort
of know what that is, but I can find out more on line.
It's partly my fault. In some of the pictures you can clearly see the bruises I
left on Lex. I just thought he would cover them up. I didn't think he'd just let
them show like that. I didn't think somebody would get pictures of it.
On top of that Chloe who finally came back from the big city brought some very
candid photos of Lex and the jerk. I almost punched the computer screen when I
saw them. They looked like they were having a nice time. Lex looked happy and
the jerk was touching him in almost every single one of them.
How am I supposed to compete with that? I'm not into all that party stuff. I
don't' know. It's just so confusing.
~~~~~
9:41a - busy night
I am so tired. I spent almost all of last night at the hospital. An old friend
of the family is real sick. He hid out in our barn last night, and that is where
Lana and Whitney found him.
Almost the whole town showed for the little party I had. The house was in
shambles when I got home this morning, and mom and dad had come back from the
city early. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to clean up before they saw the
mess. Even I'm not fast enough for that.
The party sucked. First of all, Lex got me fireworks. Which was cool, but not
wanted. The worst was the fact that he actual brought a date. Some girl who I
hope I never see again. I know he wants to keep up appearances but why would he
have to do that at a high school kid's party? It's not like there was any media
there.
I pulled him aside and we talked. It didn't go very well. I was too upset about
everything else around me, and on top of that he does this. I couldn't take it.
I yelled at him for something that was my fault. I know, not cool, but I was
just so upset. In those tabloid articles they talked about Lex's penchant for
screwing people over, and then moving on to the next person. I couldn't help but
wonder if he would do that to me, and also if he'd get bored of me.
Unfortunately, I had to wonder out loud. I don't even care that he was
disappointed in the fact that I had looked at those articles. That wasn't even
the point. I'm not stupid I know they can't lie all the time in the papers.
Otherwise the lawsuits would put them out of business.
After the fight with Lex, Chloe pulled me aside. We had a nice talk. At first I
wasn't up for it, but then I saw that she was upset so I decided to calm down
and spend some time with her. We didn't get a chance to talk after she got back
from down town. She doesn't like the jerk either. Which made me immensely happy.
She spent most of her time in town chasing Lex and the jerk. She told me the
pictures she had on her computer were for her cousin (who sounds very annoying
btw). She also said she wasn't going to use them for anything. It was really
nice to just talk like that. It cheered me up. I have to remember that I have
friends, and that they care about me.
I have to go. We're going on a class trip to the crap factory. I hope I don't
see Lex. I really don't want to right now. The chances of that happening are
pretty slim since I highly doubt that a class trip is a high priority. I think
Chloe's dad is showing us around. More later.
5:45p - Panic attack
I just finished talking to my mom and dad. They want me to stay in, but I
wish I could go see if Lex is all right. It's been another harrowing day.
The most horrible experience in the world has to be watching somebody you love
dangle fifty feet above a concrete floor from a scaffold, which could break at
any second. I almost lost Lex today, and I am not ashamed to say that when I got
home, and the reality of the situation hit me I cried.
The friend I talked about earlier who I said was sick came down to the plant,
and held my class hostage. It was so scary. When I tried to talk to him, he just
wouldn't listen.
Lex was so brave. I was in total awe of how he came in, and tried to negotiate
with my friend. Then he did something so heroic, I will never forget it as long
as I live. He exchanged himself as a hostage for the whole class! I think I
loved him in that moment more than I have ever loved anybody else.
He told me to get out too, but I couldn't leave him there. I had to do
something. The plant was going to blow up. God I'm crying again just thinking
about it. When you're in a harrowing situation, you don't think you just act,
but afterwards, when you realize what could have happened, it's terrifying.
When I found what my friend was looking for, he took Lex down to show him. I
know Lex was just as shocked as I was that my friend had been telling the truth
all along. I wouldn't put it past Lex's father to lie to his own son.
My friend shook the scaffolding loose, and my heart almost stopped as I watched
them dangle. I had to get past my own fears, and my own feeling of nausea. When
I pulled them up, and had Lex in my arms I was so relieved I wanted to kiss him,
but obviously, that wasn't the right time.
I don't even know where I found the strength to pull two grown men up. I just
knew one thing; I couldn't let them die. Most of all, I couldn't let Lex die.
After it was all over, I was so glad to see my mom and dad. In the end, the
plant didn't blow up, and I only caught a brief glimpse of Lex as his father
hugged him close. I was so glad to see that Lex wasn't alone. I wanted to go
over and talk to him, but the media was there, and mom and dad wanted to get
home.
Now I'm staring at the TV screen (the news reports on what happened are running
almost nonstop here) wishing I could go to him. I will go to him, but I want to
give him some time to recover. His dad is with him. I'm sure he needs time with
his dad just as I need time with my mom and dad.
~~~~~~
12:03a - Holy shit and fuck
This is only for me so I can just let loose. Big time!
I will never forget the image of some guy on top of Lex having sex with him.
A stranger who looked a lot like me was fucking him. I froze, and just stared at
them. My mind just snapped. All I kept thinking was that it was supposed to be
me above Lex. I wanted it to be me. It lasted only seconds but it seemed like an
eternity.
This was not how I wanted to see Lex naked for the first time.
I have to say, I'm surprised to find out that Lex likes to be the bottom.
My brain needs to be scrubbed right now!
~
12:23a - That image is forever burned into my brain
I just got back from Lex's house. I took my time getting there in the hopes that
I would find the words to tell him how I feel. I wish I had called first.
I will never forget what I found. He was busy, to say the least. I walked in on
the end of him having sex with some guy. They were in the middle of the floor in
his sitting room. The door wasn't even locked. I wish it had been. The first
thing I thought was what the heck; the second thing was who the hell is this
guy? After that, I pretty much freaked and ran out of the room. I didn't go far
because I just couldn't think straight.
Before I found them, I was in the Troy room thinking, so I went back there and
sat in the dark.
It's funny but you'd think this would make me run as far away as possible from
Lex, but I didn't even think about that at the time. All I could think about was
how glad I was that Lex was all right. I know. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I
could have lost him forever the other day at the plant.
I feel partly responsible for what happened. The other night at the party, I
said something that could easily be interpreted as a break-up. He asked me what
I wanted from him. I told him nothing, and walked away.
When he finally found me in the Troy room after I left him with his date, he
explained what had happened. He thought I was never coming back. He thought that
because I didn't go see him after the incident at the plant, and because of what
I said to him at the party, that I had dumped him.
I wish I'd gone to see him sooner. It doesn't really matter now. After he sent
the guy packing, and showered, we went up to his room. I held him in my arms for
a while. I told him I loved him. I told him I didn't care about what I saw, and
I told him I want to be with him, but that it would have to be different.
(Admittedly, every time he winced from the pain, it sent a streak of jealousy
coursing through me)
I don't think I'm up for anything sex-like for a long while.
I left him asleep in his bed.
~
5:49p - Happy the man
I love long hard days where I'm kept busy.
I spent all day today smiling like a goof. Everybody I know thinks I'm insane.
When I got home from school, I did my chores in record time, and then helped mom
with some extra stuff. She kept giving me these looks. Finally when I tackled
her in a fit of giggly tickles she forced me to sit down, and explain what was
up. I just told her I was ecstatically happy. I stretched things a bit
obviously.
I told her that my friendship with Lana was going great. I told her that Lex and
I had a fight last week but that we'd worked it out. She seemed convinced.
I told her I'm off to see Lex tonight to play a game of pool. She just told me
to be home by 12. It really means a lot to me that my mom and dad trust me so
much. Hm, I guess it sucks that I have to lie about the happiest thing going on
in my life.
Also, my friend Pete. He's been acting strange lately. We talked in the locker
room after gym. Total cliché, I know, but it seems to be the only time we have
together any more. I mentioned to him that I wanted to get together for a game
of B ball. He smiled and said sure and that was it. Then he took off, citing
some stuff he had to get done.
~
6:52p - What I feel
Last night I told Lex I would have followed him to the floor if he'd fallen off
that scaffold. And I would have. Even though I know it could have meant my
death. I was so terrified that he would die. I didn't have my strength because
of Earl and the effects of the meteor rocks on me. I could have died, and I
really don't care. I love him that much. I know that I would do anything for
him. I'd even fall to my death.
When I was at his place last night, I cleaned up the broken glass from the
bottle I dropped after seeing him under that guy. I think back to that, and I
mean, it was easy enough with my speed to clean the mess, but now I just think
it was a strange thing to do. I stood in that room, and just stared at the spot.
It flashed through my mind what I'd seen. How could it not.
I have thought about it; about sex. I mean would I break my lover? I am so
strong now, and I get stronger every day. Once when I was younger; thirteen, I
was crying because I'd broken something. My mom told me that I would learn how
to handle my strength. She pointed out that if I could hold a pen and write with
it, I could eventually do anything just like a normal person. I didn't know back
then what I know now. Mom did.
I hope she's right. I haven't broken Lex yet but I have left bruises. I kind of
like that though. It says mine.
~~~~~
3:37p - Ask a hard question
Last night was great.
We played a nice game of pool, and talked about nothing in particular. We did a
little bit of kissing, but I found it hard. Every time I kissed him the image of
him with that guy who looked like me popped into my head.
I don't think I mentioned this before, but the guy Lex was with looked so much
like me it was uncanny, and very creepy. I mean they were both completely naked
when I found them. Naked! It's not like I stared at them for a long period of
time. Unfortunately for me, I have a freakish memory. I never forget anything I
see or learn. Although my mom would argue with that.
I want to ask Lex about it. I really tried last night, but how do you ask if sex
hurts. I mean it looks like it would. Especially for the guy on the bottom. I
could ask my mom. She seems easier to talk to about these things. Of course I
won't say it's about sex with a guy. I'll have to pretend I'm asking because I
hope to get closer to Lana.
I think I'll ask mom today after school. She wants my help with some chores only
I can do. It shouldn't be too hard to ask since they already gave me condoms,
and had the talk with me. This will just be a fact-finding mission. Or maybe
not. Knowing me, I'd blush so red I'd explode. I think I'll just forget about
asking mom. She doesn't need to worry about me anymore than she already does.
~
11:53p - Who's calling now
I snuck over to the mansion tonight.
I had to. I needed to see Lex, and mom and dad didn't want me to go out. They
didn't even have a good reason. I mean, just because isn't a good reason, right?
So, I went over without permission. I don't think they heard. I waited until
they were in bed. I feel guilty now. I know I shouldn't go behind their backs
like that.
I just checked, and they're still asleep.
I'm so glad I went to see Lex. He was agitated tonight, and you'll never guess
why. His father. When I was growing up, like other kids, I just assumed parents
were all the same. Lex has issues with his father. I guess not all families are
perfect. I wish it could be for him. He deserves it.
I know one thing for sure. I will not sneak up on Lex again any time soon. He
was so startled when I did it, I felt bad right away. He was even shaking. It
was strange to see that. He's usually so calm and collected.
I held him in my arms until I was sure he was calm. Actually, I just like to
hold him in my arms. So I held him for a while, and soothed him. It seems so
weird to say that I soothed Lex. I mean, he's always painted as such a ruthless
businessman, and here he is letting me hold him in my arms.
It was nice to say the least. I felt so happy holding Lex. I felt like
everything would be okay, and that he was mine to take care of. Since the
accident I feel like we belong to each other. Like maybe all that has happened
so far was fate.
Like Lex said to me 'we have a future together' I agree with him now, and I
won't let anything stand in the way. It's meant to be. I just know it. Something
deep inside me knows it.
Now I need to take care of business.
~~~~~
8:44p - Nice relaxing day
Today was such a nice normal day; I'd almost forgotten how to have one of those.
PR came by and stayed for lunch. It was so nice to have him here. I don't think
he's been over for a while. After Lunch we just hung out and shot some hoops. We
talked, well he talked I listened. He talked a lot about Jody which was cool.
The way his eyes lit up when he described his time with her; I could imagine
that my eyes light up that way when I talk about Lex. I didn't talk about Lex
with Pete though. I really didn't have much to say that isn't hard to explain.
The cool thing is PR told me he and Jody slept together. He left out the details
thank goodness. Not that I'm not happy for him, I just blush so hard when I hear
sex talk. Even now after everything that Lex has introduced to me. I can't help
it. I just get so embarrassed. He totally picked up on that and left it at
vague. He's so cool that way.
I talked about how happy Lana looks lately though I didn't tell my friend it
wasn't Whitney that does it for her. It was weird when I mentioned Whitney; Pete
got all grim, and asked to change the subject. I wonder what that was about.
Anyway, we had fun. He just went home at around 7 after dinner. He loves my
mom's cooking, and mom seemed real happy to have him over. I think maybe she
missed him almost as much as I did.
I wonder how she would feel about having Lex over for dinner. Speaking of,
somebody sent me flowers. I have no idea who they were from, but they were nice.
Maybe it was Lex, and he didn't want mom and dad to know. I just don't see Lex
as the flower giving type. Maybe the car giving type, but flowers - I guess it
could have been somebody else. What ever, mom told me to throw them out since we
didn't know where they came from, and they were kind of wilty. I couldn't tell
her I thought Lex sent them. That would not go over well.
Speaking of cars, I'm going over as soon as I'm done here. We're going for a
drive. I already asked my mom and since it's not a school night she said it was
fine as long as I got in by 1. I think that is the first time she's given me
such a late curfew.
~~~~~
10:07p - Just Drive
Last night I had the best night ever.
I talked one of Lex's servants into bringing the Ferrari around. When I went in
to get Lex, he was lost in thought. He came willingly, which was nice. He looked
so tired so I drove. I took him out to a deserted area, and parked. The sky was
so clear, and the stars so bright, I wanted to share it with him.
I lay a blanket out on the ground. He seemed really startled by my actions, but
he joined me. I told him I wanted us to do something that was simple. When he
asked me why I'm so taken by the stars I told him that they take my breath away
just like he does. I'm not really good with romantic words and stuff like that,
but he seemed really blown away by it. I was so glad my idea worked out.
Then I tried to explain how sometimes you just have to make things simple. Like
a kiss under the stars. Simple. No talking, no analyzing, no trying to figure it
out.
It really bothers me is how he keeps telling me he doesn't deserve the things I
give him. Why should he think that? I feel he deserves it. I want to make him so
happy. I wish he would believe me.
It was nice to just watch him watch the stars. We made out, of course. I'm not
stupid. It was so wonderful. He's such a great kisser. Then we tickled each
other for a while. That was fun, and surprising. It was so nice to see him
relax, and just let it all hang out.
I also told him I wished I could protect him from all the things that hurt him.
I know I can protect him from some of them, but things like what his father has
done to him; it's too late. That doesn't stop me from wishing I could.
Then Lex told me his dad was mad at him for what he did at the plant. God what a
jerk. I mean, he leaves his son to die! How is Lex supposed to interpret that?
He sounds like the biggest jerk ever. I would never say that to Lex's face, but
I guess I can say it here. Why would any father want his son to suffer? I told
Lex I thought his dad sucked.
I made the mistake of calling myself a freak in front of Lex. Things got kind of
intense after that. It's just like my LJ name says; freak for ever. I can't even
explain to him how hard things have been for me. How different I am from most
people. My parents say that I should embrace my differences and that they're a
part of me. I guess they're right.
Lex hated hearing me call myself that. I changed the subject fast. It wasn't
supposed to be all intense. I just wanted it to be nice and simple so we made
out some more. Then I sucked the hugest hickey onto his neck. He was more than
happy to allow it.
He told me something that made my heart pound. He told me he belongs to me! I
was so thrilled to hear this. It made me so happy. I told him I love him. He say
ditto which is cool since that is what we agreed on. I don't mind at all. I know
that one day he'll say the L word again. and it will mean so much more when it
happens because I know he will truly mean it.
I was so relaxed that I happily jerked him off. That still makes me blush to see
in words. He looked so beautiful under the stars coming all over my hand. Just
before he came, I told him he was mine, and that I would always catch him no
matter what.
He drove me home. I was so happy I wanted to wake up my mom and tell her all
about it. I just went to bed and jerked off with the vision of Lex in my head.
He's so hot.
~~~~~~
9:51p - I will not look
The papers have calmed down. The stories seem to be taking a back seat to
real news. I'm ignoring them mostly.
This was a pretty typical day for me. Woke up went to school, did about a
hundred chores when I came home. My mom was in a real weird mood. I gave her a
hug and told her I loved her. She looked at me like I'm a freak. Well, not a
freak but you know what I mean. She was surprised but happy.
I delivered the produce today as I do every Monday. I couldn't stay long since I
still had a million chores. My parents are total slave drivers.
Now I'm being a good boy, and doing my homework. Go me. I need to take an apple
pie break. Mmmm pie.
Need to go for a run now.
~~~~~
11:03a - The whole truth
Telling lies comes naturally to me after all these years. I told a lot of them
yesterday. I had no time to write this out and something really big happened to
me.
(I will probably blush all the way through as I write)
When I did the deliveries, I said nothing happened, but that's not quite true.
Lex was very horny. He pulled me into his office, and locked the door behind us.
I didn't even have time to breathe. I was hard so fast it hurt. We started to
make out against his pool table. I grabbed him, and lifted him up onto it. It
got pretty hot. I couldn't help myself. He was just so sexy I pulled off his
shirt, and tossed it aside, and then he pulled off mine.
I jerked him off, which was totally hot, and then he pulled me to the edge of
the table, and sucked me off right there against the pool table in his office.
He got down on his knees, and did this thing with his tongue that gets me hard
every time I think about it. So now, instead of getting hard 50 times a day, I
get hard 100 times a day. He even deep throated me, which WOW, totally rocks. It
was so amazing! He blew my mind away.
He stopped sucking me off, which I wanted to complain about, but I was too
afraid he'd stop altogether, so I didn't. He stood and told me to look into his
eyes as he jerked me off. I couldn't even talk for ten minutes after I came all
over him.
The site of my cock in Lex's mouth was more than enough to erase the vision of
him with that other guy.
~
5:39p - What do I do?
My mom and Chloe suspect something. My mom had a talk with me last night. She
told me to come, and talk to her if there was anything on my mind. She also told
me she has heard me go out late at night. All those times when I was going out
to see Lex she knew about it. I told her about the runs. I mean it's somewhat
true. I did go for runs some of those times. She doesn't need to know that
almost all of them end at the mansion.
I told her I was just upset over the fact that Lana is not available to me. I
wonder what she would say if she knew the half of it?
I wasn't sure what else to say to her. At least I know that she'll be there for
me for whatever. Maybe I could somehow find out what she thinks about being gay.
I wouldn't know how to that without tipping her off.
After that, Lana called. I couldn't believe what happened. Chloe's dad knows
about them, and he's cool about it! She has such an understanding father. The
only thing he's worried about is what would happen to them if people found out.
We are in a small town, and sometimes people aren't known for their
open-mindedness.
Lana sounded so happy. She was calling to tell me that Chloe wants me to confide
in her. I feel weird about this. I mean, I know I shouldn't have confided in
Lana at all. It was unfair to Lex and it was unfair to Chloe. I'm not sure how
to handle this. I'm not excluding her because I don't trust her. I didn't tell
Lana over her because I care less for Chloe. It just felt right at the time. I
wanted Lana to feel good.
It wasn't a complete lie when I told my mom about liking Lana still. I do, sort
of. It's weird, she's so pretty, and when I look at her, I want to hold her and
protect her. I know it's not the same with Lex. When I look at him, I want to
make him a part of me. I want to hold him and never let go. I want to know that
he is safe, and will always be there no matter what. I also want to kiss him and
do other stuff to him.
I wish I could figure out what to do. I'm waiting in the newspaper office for
her to show. Maybe by the time she gets here, I'll figure it out.
~~~~
2:23p - Going away on a strange day
Things with Chloe went well. She showed up at the office just after I posted
yesterday, which was around 5:40. She was tense at first when she saw me, but
then I brought up her favorite subject: the school paper. She seemed happy after
that. We hung for a bit, and talked. It was nice to be with her.
Things with my mom, however, did not go well. This time instead of sneaking out
I asked permission. She seemed fine with it, which is cool. She trusts me. I got
to the mansion to find Lex drunk. I'm really worried about him. He was drunk
because BW is coming by the mansion today. He was worried about how I would
react. They are fed up with the press following them everywhere they go so to
avoid them, they're going to be at the mansion. I'm fine with that.
I feel responsible. I mean if I wasn't so jealous of Bruce, and if I hadn't
reacted so poorly to the situation... I know in the end that Lex is responsible
for his own action, but I can't help feel like I contributed to his mood. Lex
claimed he always drinks.
He spilled his drink all over my back when we hugged which sucked since my mom
was waiting for me when I got home. I lost track of time too, so that didn't
help. Mom was really mad. She threatened to ground me. It's so humiliating. I
didn't drink. I would never drink. She even smelled my breath.
I took Lex up to his room, and we just sort of fooled around with no climax. He
was really playful and strange, so I just tried to keep it light. I didn't want
to sound like an AA add.
He's probably over at the mansion right now with Bruce. I'll call first before
going over. I don't want Lex to think I don't trust him.
I do trust him.
~~~~
10:52a - Hiding out
I just had breakfast with Lex. It was so nice. We sat close together and had
pancakes, eggs and bacon. He invited me last night when I called to see if I
could stop by. He told me I shouldn't stop by right after my mom had been to
visit him so I stayed at home. I can't believe my mom did that. I know she's
worried, but to go check up on me like that ...
I suppose I should panic now. Mom is very perceptive. I think I might have
mentioned that.
Breakfast was great. Bruce walked in while Lex and I were kissing. He didn't say
a word, he just turned and walked out. I caught a look of something. Not sure
what. Maybe frustration. Or annoyance. I kissed Lex harder after that. I was so
overjoyed that Bruce saw. Now maybe he'll realize how we feel.
I don't trust him though. I hate that he's staying over at the mansion with Lex.
It's true he's in a separate wing, but still, I just don't trust him. I hardly
know the guy.
Maybe I'll stop by later tonight just to say hi to Lex and tuck him in. With
Bruce watching.
I have to run. I have a class to get to, and I am totally late.
~~~~
9:48a - Stayed home from school today
After having a long talk with Lana yesterday, I did a few chores to burn off
excess energy. I never realized how upset I was about everything that's
happening until I talked it out. I really thought I could handle it.
The talk was hard. Lana told me Chloe is hurt by the fact that I haven't told
her about what's happening with Lex. She's upset because I can't seem to confide
in her even though we're supposed to be good friends. I told Lana that I wasn't
going to tell Chloe any time soon so she would just have to deal. Lana suggested
I tell Chloe that there is something going on but that I just couldn't tell her.
It seems odd to do that, but maybe I should.
I kind of blurted out that Lex and I are 'fucking'. I mean he did get down on
his knees, and give me a blowjob. That's fucking isn't it?
If my mom really suspects something, I don't know what to do. How do I make her
understand what it is that I am feeling? Some people have suggestion it might
help if I talk to her, but the thought makes my stomach churn. I'm not ready for
this.
~
10:11a - There's knowing and then there's knowing
That will teach me to go over to the mansion, and spy on Bruce. Last night I
just couldn't take it anymore.
He saw. He knows. I didn't tell him the truth about me, but Bruce saw. I went
over late last night, and sneaked my way into the mansion. Since he was in a
separate wing it was easy enough to hide in the room beside his. I x-rayed
through the wall and watched. I just wanted to see for myself that he wasn't
doing anything with Lex.
Everything would have been fine if it hadn't been for the burglar who broke into
his wing and tried to shoot Bruce. I didn't even think. I just ran in used my
speed, knocked the robber out, and jumped into the path of the bullet. When it
was all over I turned in horror to see Bruce standing there staring at me with a
look of confusion on his face. I didn't know what to say.
He saw me use my speed, and my strength, and he saw the bullet bounce off me.
Even if he didn't see it bounce, it wasn't as if I had a hole in me. The lack of
blood gave away the fact that it didn't enter me.
I'm calmer now, but last night I totally freaked. He didn't say a word except to
tell me to leave, and that he would take care of the robber.
I didn't go home. I went straight to Lex's room. I was afraid something might
happen to him. I didn't know if the burglar was alone or if he had a friend. I
told myself I was just making sure he was fine. He was asleep when I entered his
room. He woke up as soon as I slipped into his bed. It was so nice to be in his
arms. He pulled off my shirt and we snuggled. I was hard almost instantly. We
didn't do anything other than kiss a little, and touch above the waist. It was
nice.
Lex likes to snuggle. I bet that is information he'd rather not have go public.
I know about secrets. I've had to keep one my whole life. Another secret isn't
really that big a deal. I think that it's because I have to keep this one from
mom and dad that makes it so hard. I love my mom and dad and they have always
been such a source of strength for me. Never mind that I am probably the
strongest person (alien) on the planet.
~~~
10:54p - Last night and today
I went over to see Lex last night. I finally got up the nerve to tell him how
I've been feeling. About how terrified I am that my mom will find out about us.
He's convinced my mom doesn't suspect, but he doesn't know her. She's got mom
sense. I swear she gave me this look this morning.
I've been doing work all day, getting ready for harvest. Some things already
needed to be harvested, but I guess the intricacies of farm life are probably
very dull. I'm sure some people on LJ talk about farm life. I bet there are
lots.
Mom made me harvest almost all the apples. On top of that one of the cows broke
the fence. This is the first time I've had a chance to do anything that didn't
involve getting covered in dirt. I only stopped because the stupid tractor broke
down again. Dad has to wait until Monday to get a part for it. So it looks like
I get a break tomorrow which is good because Lex has invited me to this gala
thing in the city.
It took some convincing, but finally my mom and dad said I could go. I called
Lex to let him know. He was fine with that.
Last night things were kind of weird at first. We talked. He told me his father
saw me leaving BW's room when I went by the other night. I didn't even know his
dad was there. Lex was disappointed in me, but we talked it through. I also told
him that I still have feelings for Lana. I wanted to be honest. I thought he was
going to break up with me, but he only suggested that maybe things would be
easier if I was with her. Less stressful.
I let it slip that I told Lana about us. Lex was livid. I don't blame him. I
tried to make him understand that she wouldn't tell, and that I needed somebody
to talk to about this. I think he understood. He wasn't happy about it but he
seemed to be okay with it. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to
tell another single person.
I guess that means Chloe will remain in the dark. I also told Lex that Chloe
suspects something is up, but that Lana has promised not to tell her. I'm sudden
feel even more pressure. Maybe I should call Lana, and stress to her how
important it is that she not tell anybody. Ever.
When we were finished talking, I got down on my knees. I wanted to return his
favor from earlier this week. He freaked, and told me to get up. I was so
nervous. I was building up to it all day, and then he just told me we should
keep it simple.
Stuff like this is what makes me love him even more. He was concerned that I
wasn't ready for this big step. So instead we did more rubbing. I was so hard I
thought I would explode when he touched me with his bare hand. It was so
amazing, rubbing up against his bare stomach. I came all over him, and then I
returned the favor. I was so tempted to bend down and lick. I already know what
he tastes like since I've licked his come off my fingers before.
After that I was hungry so we went to get some sandwiches and pie.
Oh and earlier on we actually played a game of pool. Just in case you were
wondering.
~~~~~
9:35a - Early morning wet dream
I got to sleep in this morning. Since my mom, and dad are just hanging out in
the kitchen having some mom and dad time. (I can hear my mom laughing, and when
I peeked to see what was up they were getting all mushy yuck)
I thought I'd write down some thoughts. Last night I called Lana. We had a long
conversation mostly about Lex. She's so easy to talk to, and I can't figure out
why. Before I knew it, I was telling her stuff I would never tell my mom. I used
to be able to tell my mom everything as Lana pointed out, but I can't tell these
things to my mom.
I don't really have a choice now since Lex told me not to say anything to
anybody else. I told Lana about that. It got so serious and intense; I had to
make a joke. I'm not good at making jokes. I made a crack about how Lex beat me.
She really didn't find it funny. I guess it isn't.
Then she asked me if it hurt. She meant having sex with Lex. I told her
that we haven't had sex yet: Just the kisses, touches, hand jobs and the one
blowjob. (getting hard again) I told her I wasn't even sure if I want to have
that kind of sex. That's not entirely true.
I had a dream about it last night. I guess because of the conversation. I'll
have to thank her the next time I see her. In the dream, Lex was under me
begging me to fuck him. It was so hot I woke up in wet PJs.
Even though I told Lana that I wasn't even sure if I want that kind of sex with
Lex, (I will never get tired of that one) the truth is I want it. I think about
it; especially after seeing Lex with that guy. I want to see what it feels like
to be inside him, I also want to see what it feels like to have him inside me.
It seems like it would hurt, but then almost nothing hurts me. I have a pretty
high pain threshold. I just wonder if it would be more pleasure than pain. I
guess I'll find out one day. I can wait. For now, I'll just enjoy what we have.
~
11:17p - Wash bits of broken glass out of my hair
I will never forget what a bus going 60 miles an hour feels like as it wraps
around me.
I just came back from that gala thing in Metropolis, and I had to shower for
almost an hour to get all the broken glass out of my hair. On a happy note I
saved a dog, and a guy who was asleep on a bench. Plus all the people on the
bus. Nothing was hurt except my best jacket.
~~~~~~
12:20a - What the...
I just finished getting ready for bed. This thing Lex invited me to totally
blew. It was really not my style at all. Then he pulls this stupid stuff with
Lana. I knew Lana was going to be there, but I had no idea Lex was the one who
invited her. I wanted to yell at him right there for pulling that. He really
made me mad.
He made these stupid cracks about how I'd never get her if I kept running away.
I don't even want her, and he knows it. He's just getting back at me for what I
said the other day about still liking her. I hate that. I hate that he would
just do that and then act like it's okay.
Some lady, Victoria, showed up just as he was trying to explain to me about how
I should treat Whitney (Lana's fake boyfriend) like an enemy. He said I should
keep him close. It was so stupid. I have to wonder now if he said it so Victoria
could overhear.
I just made a crack about how close he would keep her, and as I walked away I
made sure to rub my arm up against Lex.
I went for some air, and when I got back Lex was still with her. She was giving
Lex these looks like he was her dinner. I felt awkward so I left.
I can't believe this. I just can't believe I have to go through this every time
'an old friend' from Lex's past shows up on his doorstep. I hate the way she
looked at him. I hate the way he just dismissed me as if I was just nobody.
He better not let her touch him.
~~~~~
12:02a - It's over
He cheated on me. He cheated on me with that lady from the museum. He tried to
tell me stuff about what his father expects of him. I couldn't listen and don't
you tell me I should have. God, I offered to give him the same thing and he
turned me down! And then he goes and lets her do it.
It's been such a shit day and then this to top it off. God I wish I could just
hide somewhere. I'm scared and then this happens.
That dirty cop who Lex says is very dangerous? He threatened me just a few hours
ago. I told my mom and dad and they said they'd take care of it.
Let me count the crappiness of my day.
1. Chloe is fired from the paper. Really her crap but I was having a great time
with her and then this happens. (Hey this LJ is all about me)
2. Dirty cop threatens me and man did I want to kick his ass to the next county.
3. I had to tell my parents I screwed up. Luckily they weren't upset at me.
4. Lex cheats on me.
Wow, oh yeah, that is a day I should do over.
Trying to deal here.
I broke so much stuff, when mom sees it, she'll freak. I don't really care right
now. I'm just lying here in the dark not caring about anything at all. AT ALL.
Tomorrow I will pretend to care.
She's at the house right now with Lex, who by the way told me he loved me right
after he told me he cheated on me.
I'm tired. I want to be somebody else. I want somebody to hold me. I want to
cry.
~~~~~~~
10:38p - Life just gets worse and worse.
Chloe and Lana are at odds because the principal gave her job to Lana. I got
caught in the middle of it. I tried to make Chloe see the good side of what
happened, but she just thought I was taking Lana's side. Which I wasn't doing. I
was just trying to help.
On top of that, I just came back from the city. That crooked cop tried to get me
to do something illegal, but I showed him. I wasn't in the mood for his shit.
I am so angry right now. I almost called AJL without even thinking. I was that
upset. Then I remembered. So stupid that I would forget that.
I feel lost and completely alone right now. My life SUCKS!!!!
There, I said it. Now I'm going to smash a huge amount of things.
~~~~~~
1:13p - Have you ever wanted to kill a man?
I did. Today. That cop fixed it so my dad got thrown in jail for murder. He did
it because of what I did to him last night. I thought I could handle it myself,
but I know now that I can't. I have to tell my dad what I did. He's going to be
so disappointed in me.
I've never felt so much rage in my entire life. I really wanted to kill that
cop; wipe the smugness off his face. I shake just thinking about it.
Last night Lana, and I had a talk. Things are so bad between her and Chloe, but
I have faith that it will work out. I just know Chloe cares so much for Lana.
That seems to be enough for them.
For me, nothing ever seems to be enough. I always lose no matter how hard I try.
I just finished talking to Lana again. She's so easy to talk to. She seems to
understand how I feel. It's nice to have that. We talked about parents. We're
both adopted so maybe that's why she understands.
I feel like my mom and dad would be better off without me. For one thing, my dad
wouldn't be in jail right now. My mom wouldn't have to deal with this.
I have to go see my dad in jail, and tell him what happened. I have to tell him
this is all my fault. I've been sitting here trying to gather the courage. I
thought that if I wrote it here first it might help, but I don't think anything
will help. I just have to do this. My actions have consequences, and now I have
to deal with them.
I just hope my dad doesn't hate me. I hope he understands that I would do
anything to protect them.
~~~~~
12:31a - Dodged that bullet
So the cop took me to the city again. He tried to get me to help him rob this
place, but I ran the first chance I got. I left him there to get caught by the
police. He's probably in jail as I write this.
It's so freaky; I mean the guy shot at me and everything.
I'm so glad that's over. Now maybe he'll tell the police what he did to my dad,
and my dad will be freed. I hope so. It makes me feel so sick inside that
somebody like him even exists. I guess it's pretty naive of me to think that. I
mean, people can be evil. That just sounds so wrong.
I ran into Lex today. He offered to help me with my dad. He told me he knew the
kinds of things Phelan (that's the cop) could do.
I was so mean to him. Phelan told me that Lex has secrets. I know he has
secrets. Lex told me before this cop was the kind of guy who fixed things. I
can't help wondering what he fixed for Lex.
I was just so angry at him. I lashed out. I threw it in his face. After I walked
away from him, a part of me wanted to go back and accept his offer, but I knew I
couldn't.
My dad's still in jail, and now I'm sitting here alone, trying to sort
everything out. It's been such a long day. I wish I could go to Lex. I miss him.
I want to be with him so badly.
~
7:59p - Dad's home . . .
. . . and I think Lex had something to do with it.
That cop is dead. I found out this morning. I can't believe this. I just figured
Phelan would give himself up. I never thought he would try to shoot his way out
of it. I feel weird about it. On the one hand, he made my life hell, but on the
other hand, I would never have wished for it to turn out like this.
Things with Lex are still tense. I realized something today; I put him on a
pedestal, and when he failed to be this perfect person, I held it against him.
I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel like the biggest jerk ever. I have to go
talk to him. I can't lose him as a friend. I realize now how naive I was to
think I could handle such a serious relationship. I'm going to try to regain
something with him; anything, I don't care what. I guess it's possible he could
throw me out. If he does, I'll just have to accept it and try to move on.
The thought that he won't forgive me terrifies me.
~~~~~~~
11:16p - The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is give up the one you
love
I went to see him. I had to thank him for what he did. How he helped my dad. It
hurts too much right now to even write it down. I don't even care about the
other thing anymore.
All I care about is the fact that things will never be the same. Is this what
growing up is? Is this what love is?
He still wants us to be friends. I think with time it could happen. This is
better anyway. It's safer for everybody.
He said that it was a matter of who he is. I understand that. I should know
better than anybody.
I feel so numb inside.
~~~~~~
10:04p - This is what it means to be me
Stupid day. So boring with nothing but farm work to do. I did it all in the
morning. I don't want to call anybody. I don't want to be alone. It's stupid. So
I'm here like the big loser that I am, trying to put into words the things I've
been feeling over the last few days.
Mom and dad went out last night. Probably to get away from me.
I did the same things today over and over again. I did them once, and then
forgot I did them. I found myself thinking I should call Lex to see if he'd like
to play pool or just hang out. I had to remind myself that he isn't a kid like
me. He doesn't hang out.
I had to bite my tongue a hundred times today to stop myself from talking about
AJL to my mom.
I hate my life. Can you say Loser?
~
10:07p - Alien freak
Lex thinks it's because of who we are that things can't work between us. He's
right but not because of our last names, or our life experiences. I'm nothing.
I'm nobody. I don't even exist as a person. I'm not human. NOT A PERSON! And I
never will be.
I'm not a human being. I look in the mirror. I stare at my reflection. I punch
the glass and pick up a shard. I put it to my wrist, and slice. NOTHING happens.
I do not bleed. I've never skinned my knee. The first time I felt reel pain was
the night I was strung up on the cross.
I can't be hurt except by a bunch of rocks I brought with me when I landed in my
space ship. Rocks that seem to hurt everyone they touch.
When I was growing up, I used to pray that nothing new would happen to me. That
the strength was it and then other things started happening. The speed, which is
cool, but doesn't help with the whole "not human" feeling. I run so fast I'm
nothing but a blur in the landscape. A blur to the rest of the world.
None of these things help me to be human. Or even help me to keep the illusion
in my head that I am human.
BECAUSE, I AM NOT HUMAN.
There is more to why Lex and I will never work. I know this. I was a fool to
ever get so close to him. The more time passes the more terrified I become of
what he would do if he ever found out that I have been lying to him from the
moment we met.
At best he'd hate me forever; at worst he'd make my life a living hell.
After all, I'm proof there's life on other worlds.
My parents are the only people who know about me. I've always wondered what it
would be like if somebody else knew. I have these fantasies about telling
somebody. It used to be Lana, but now it's Lex. Sometimes he tells me it's okay.
That he still loves me and that will never change. Other times he calls the
government, and has me taken away from my mom and dad.
It' not just about that, I know this. It's about where I am in my life. I'm not
ready for any of what Lex has to offer. I have to admit when I look at him I
want to own him. I want him to be mine. I haven't ever felt that way about
anybody before.
It terrifies me, and thrills me at the same time.
I lay awake at night sometimes, and wonder what's normal for my people.
No matter what, I am not a human male. This is so stupid.
One other person knows that I'm a freak, but I didn't tell him. He saw. I have
no idea what he thinks about it. I'm too terrified to ask. It seems like I'm
nothing but terrified these days. And it all started with the day my father told
me the truth about my heritage. It all started when I met Lex on that bridge.
~~~~
12:10a - What a horrible day
Well, nothing else could happen to make the day worse. Great morning. Fell
down the stairs on the way down to breakfast. Yeah! That pretty much set the
mood for the day.
Class sucked.
But the rest of the day after school sucked more. While I was doing my
deliveries, the truck went into a ditch. I had to push it out. It must have
rained last night since the ditch was muddy. I fell flat on my face, and ended
up covered in mud. I still had AJL's delivery to do and of course, the first
time I see him in a few days I am covered in mud. I had to go in to get the
check for the produce. I trailed mud everywhere. I don't think I left a single
spot on the carpet from the kitchen door to his office clean.
I wanted to look good. I was hoping he's look at me and want only me. Instead I
end up looking like a fucking shit farmer. Then I accidentally flung mud all
over his shirt. On top of that, BW is staying with him and I'm pretty sure I saw
evidence that they are having sex. Or that AJL and Vic are having sex. Hell, for
all I know they're all sleeping with each other!
I hate my life. God, and then when I got back Lana calls. She's so clueless. I
watched her and her fake boyfriend today at lunch. They were playing their fake
game of being boyfriend/girlfriend. The look on his face was not fake. I know
that look. He loves her. I tried to tell her, but I don't think she gets it.
~~~~
12:03a - Mom knows
As you can tell by the title, my mom and I had a talk. She knows about me
liking guys. It wasn't as bad as I thought. She was very understanding. I
freaked when she said that I might want to consider telling dad. There is no way
I can tell him. Just the thought sends my stomach into convulsions. Not that my
dad is homophobic or anything, he just scares me. I mean, doesn't everybody's
dad scare them?
When my mom talked to me she told me she wished my boyfriend and I could walk
down the street holding hands. I immediately told her I don't have a boyfriend.
I guess I should have told her that technically I still like girls. I didn't
really want to get into it right then.
This is so weird. She said she knows I have feelings for someone. I wonder if
she thinks it's Lex? She figured out that I like guys. Maybe she knows who. That
would suck. I certainly don't want her to go to Lex about this. What if she
does?
Now I'm in a panic. Should I tell Lex? I don't know.
~
11:42p - All you do is talk talk
I had to do the deliveries today, which means I had to see Lex. I didn't shy
away from it; I actually went looking for him. I hoped that we could maybe talk
or something. I didn't realize how bitter I felt until we started playing a game
of pool. I just blurted out that my mom knows about me. He seemed to take it
well. Then I told him I think she suspects I like Lex that way. He seemed
to take that well too.
He also seemed happy for me that my mom was so understanding. For some reason I
felt so angry, and I lashed out. I joked that I would tell my day over
Thanksgiving dinner. That didn't go over well. He actually paled. Which is
pretty hard since he's already so pale.
I really needed to get things off my chest.
He actually told me he was hoping I would get in touch with my anger. I almost
laughed. If I got anymore in touch with my anger the house would be leveled.
I can't believe how angry I was, but I really didn't want to lie to him. I told
him I wished we'd never done anything sexual. I know, it's so stupid of me to
say that now. Too little too late, but I can't help how I feel. I want to go
back, and have it that I kept how I feel about him to myself. I wish I'd never
kissed him that first time. But I did, and I have to deal. I have to live in the
now, and realize that it happened.
I think now that I told him how I feel, I can move on, and be friends again.
In other news, Pete will be coming over on Friday to hang and have dinner. We
haven't really had a chance to talk lately since I've been so busy. We talked
today at lunch, and I invited him. Of course he's very busy on Thanksgiving day
since he has a huge family.
It'll be nice to see him again. He's really been keeping to himself since Jody.
I hope he's okay.
~
10:55p - bottomless
I am so stuffed. My mom made so much food; I thought I was going to explode.
It was just the three of us so I don't even know why she did that.
I spent most of the holiday with mom in the kitchen and then the rest with dad
doing chores. It's not like a farm goes on holidays. My dad says that farmers
are the only people who never take a holiday. Come to think of it, my dad has
never taken one as far as I can remember. We celebrate but we still have to feed
the animals and milk the cows. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there
are probably other people who are working today.
I didn't talk to Lex at all today. He didn't stop by, not that I thought he
would, but I guess I was hoping. I thought about asking mom if I could invite
him, but then stupid me remembered he already has house guests.
It's so hard when I'm alone, and I have too much time to think about things.
Remember before how I said I have a perfect memory? It isn't helping. I keep
thinking of the things we did. I want so badly to just forget them. It just
hurts too much.
I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
~~~~~~
8:23p - fun day
Pete just left. He totally filled up on pie.
We hung out in the loft, and talked a bit about dating. He hasn't really done
any since Jody. I told him that maybe he should consider trying to get his life
back to normal. I hadn't seen him in a while outside of school so I thought it
was odd that he wasn't going out on his usual dates with his 'female friends.'
I didn't want to push him, but he said he couldn't stop thinking about her. I
understood how he felt. Sometimes it's better to just try to put things back to
the way they were or as close to the way they were. I'm not sure if he agreed
with me but I think he'll give it a try.
After the heavy talk which really only lasted about ten minutes (we are guys you
know) we went out to shoot some hoops. I lost two out of the three games we
played, but I had a great time. It was so nice to have him over. He talked a lot
about all his relatives, which was cool since I have no idea what that is like,
being part of a big family.
We've promised to hang out together more.
He teased me about Lana, which frankly I just let him do since it doesn't hurt
him to not know what's really going on. It's not like I feel that way
about her so I really didn't feel the need to get into it. Since I have the
whole weekend to myself I'm planning on doing some of the heavy work that dad
has been getting on me to do. Yeah fence-building. You'd think once you built
them that it was over, but no way. They just seem to need repairs every time I
turn my back.
My mom and dad want me to stay inside tonight with them. They're acting weird; I
have no idea what it's about. Maybe they're just feeling all thankful etc. I
don't think my mom told my dad about me. My dad didn't say anything; he just
told me how he's happy to have me as a son, and how proud he is of me. I think I
should really worry. My dad hardly ever gets mushy.
~
1:11a - Lost in another world
I wish that I could write, I wish that I had some kind of inspiration. I want
to be good at something. I wish I knew how. I think about it, I try, and then
other days I think that maybe I should try harder, but I don't know how. I know
somewhere in my head there is the knowledge of how to put my thoughts into
words, how to share what I'm feeling, but then the words just won't come. I want
to believe that other people out there feel the same way so that I know I am not
alone.
But I remember: I know this will never be true. I am alone.
~
11:05p - So tired
I didn't realize how tired I was until I sat down. I spent the day trying to
tire myself out. Felt like if I stopped, I'd never be able to start again.
My mom chased me away after the tenth time of me asking if she needed my help. I
wanted to be useful. I wanted to be somebody she could count on. Only that isn't
true. It's other people who I wish could rely on me.
I've had a lot of time to think about things this weekend. It's all I've had:
time. My body aches, and itches to be somewhere else. A hundred times a day the
differences I know are mine display themselves. I choke on them, and wish they
would just go away.
My dad told me today that no matter what I'm going through he and mom are there
for me. I would be worried except he says this every time he notices me
'moping'.
I tried not to think about Lex, but it was an exercise in futility. I know for
sure there is no way I will ever tell my dad. I can't do it. I don't even care
about anything else, but what he'd do to Lex if dad knew.
When I made that joke about telling dad at the dinner table to Lex, I realized
after what I had said.
I think back to the expression on Lex's face, and realize only now that the
words must have cut deeply. I have never been a cruel person. I have never
intentionally hurt anybody, and yet I have done it to Lex a few times now with
words that I knew were venomous.
I spent almost all day being ashamed of myself for being so cruel and callous.
Lex deserves better, even if it is a woman he doesn't love.
11:04a - rain on my parade
I went by the mansion last night. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so
alone. I felt like tearing my heart out.
When I got there everything was dark, and so silent; like a tomb. I sneaked into
the Troy room. It holds memories for me already, and they are painful.
I sat in the dark waiting for something. I'm not sure what.
Bruce found me. I think I understand him more now. He surprised me. He's with
Lex but not since Lex is still fucking that bitch. I hate her, and I hate that
Lex is doing this. I saw the pain in Bruce's eyes. He hates it as much as I do.
We bonded over that. He was way more understanding than I thought he would be. I
have to admit, I went there in the hopes that I would see Lex, but I'm glad I
saw Bruce. I wasn't ready to talk to Lex. I think after talking to Bruce ,and
seeing that there is somebody out there that feels as I do, even though he isn't
an alien, I feel much better. That sounds so mean to say that I like for Bruce
to be like me, and feel like I do.
I told him what I am. He didn't even flinch. He took it in stride. I know he
won't say a word to anybody.
He told me about what happened to him when he was a kid. To have seen his
parents die right in front of his eyes: I wanted to hold him, and tell him I was
there for him. I guess that wouldn't have been cool.
After we decided to start over with our friendship I could admit to myself that
I find him very attractive. I think I was even flirting with him, though I don't
think he noticed. Or maybe he did.
Why do I always fall for the ones I can't have?
This is fine, since I know for a fact it will never go anywhere. I can still
fantasize about him though. Which I did last night.
I couldn't help it; I was hard when I got home. I felt a little ashamed until I
realized nobody needs to know but me. I jerked off to thoughts of him kissing me
and holding me and telling me he loves me.
Even my jerk off fantasies are romantic.
~
10:38a - Avoidance dance
I have put off telling mom and dad about what Bruce saw a few weeks ago. I
know I shouldn't do that, but it's been so easy to just forget it happened since
Bruce won't say a word to anybody.
I guess because Bruce seemed so understanding I let my guard down, and blurted
out about what I am. I know I shouldn't have, but I wanted so desperately for
somebody to understand where I'm coming from. I wanted Bruce to understand,
since he seemed to envy me so much. I wanted somebody else to know, and to see
that look of understanding in their eyes. Something deep inside told me that he
could give me what I needed. It's weird that the thought of telling Lex should
terrify me so much, and yet I did this. Maybe it was because of Bruce's
reaction. Maybe it was because Bruce is not close to me, and I didn't fell like
I'd lose something if he didn't understand. I'm not sure. I know that when I
said it I wasn't really thinking clearly.
I know my dad will freak. I have never just told before. I haven't been able to
get it out of my head why I did this. It's driving me nuts.
I don't even know why I suddenly felt I could say this to him. I guess it was
the heat of the moment, and the whole attraction thing. It felt nice to have
somebody outside of my parents know.
But then I have never been seen by anybody before. I think this is the first
time somebody in their right mind saw, and didn't try to kill me. All the others
who I had to fight only had the reaction of wanting to kill me, which really
wasn't connected to my freakiness. It just had to do with what they had become
due to meteor exposure. Which I still feel responsible for.
I think next time I will just tell them I'm a meteor freak or just not explain
it at all. Just shrug my shoulders and hope they can move on. Unless I have
absolutely no choice at all.
I should write these things down more, since it has really helped to clear my
head.
I have to bite the bullet and tell mom and dad. They might not like what I did
but I hope they understand why. Probably not, since dad will never let me tell
anybody. I have to own up to my choice though, since they are also affected by
this. Maybe if I ask Bruce to come talk to them, they would get a sense of why.
I doubt it. My entire life dad has drilled it into my head that I have to keep
it to myself. He will never understand, and I know he will hate what I have
done.
Maybe I should go to mom first, but then she'd just tell dad. No, I have to tell
them together, and hope they don't get a meteor rock to overpower me, and lock
me up beside the ship.
I could just keep going on and on, but the truth is I screwed up. I shouldn't
have told Bruce there was no reason other than my own selfishness.
I feel so guilty now. What if he does say something? Damn I am so stupid, no
wonder mom and dad don't let me make my own choices. I am too dumb for that.
I will NEVER tell anybody else ever again. It's just too
stressful.
I think I'm panicked here. I have to tell mom and dad what I did right this
second. Except I can't, I have gym class soon. I needed to get these feelings
down. I ran home during my free period, because I knew mom and dad would be out,
to think this out here on my journal. I have to run, but wow, I really cut
loose. I need to really use this feature more.
~
11:09a - work things out
Lex and I finally talked things through sort of. It was really weird. I just
wanted to move on with our friendship and he kept bringing up what happened. I
don't want to think about it anymore.
He made his choice and I made mine now we both have to live with it.
I've been doing that a lot lately; making choices. Some of them not so bright,
some of them downright stupid.
The choice I made with Lex hurt, but I know now that I can move on and get past
it.
I think he can too.
After we talked, we had pie in the kitchen and that woman he's seeing showed up.
I mean, I know she lives there, but it was kind of icky to have her right there
in my face. And she hit on me! It was confusing since I did get excited by it. I
felt like I was betraying Lex by my reaction.
She made this comment about how BW must be tired because of what he and Lex did
in bed together.
I really don't like her at all. She looked like she wanted to eat me alive.
YUCK!!!
Moving along, in other news I think I'm going to concentrate on Lana some more.
Our friendship is important to me, even if I don't feel about her the way I once
did. I kind of miss her. I think I'll talk to her today see what she's up to.
See if she'd like to do something together.
~
11:24p - Somebody is doing nasty things at the mansion
I just came back from the mansion. Somebody is trying to scare Victoria away.
Not that I fault them for wanting her gone. Chloe and I will have to look into
that more.
I caught Victoria snooping in Lex's computer. I can't believe she would do that
to him. She's so ... I have never disliked somebody so much. I think I'll say
something to Lex about it when I get a chance.
I casually told Lex I'm going after Lana even though I know I have no chance. He
won't know that. After all, now that he and I are just friends it's not his
business what I do, and who I do it with. He encouraged me so I have to take
this to mean he's cool with the friendship, and those other issues won't come up
again. I hope.
I told Lana I'm going to help her with the blood drive. It should give me time
to be with her, like I hoped. She really is so pretty. I envy Chloe. It looks
like Whitney and Lana are fighting. Maybe if he doesn't want to do it any more
I'll be Lana's beard. Then at least I'd get to kiss her.
Mom was really great tonight. She made it look like I'm after Lana in front of
my dad. She is just so amazing. I totally love her.
~
9:59p - So close
I just came back from Lana's. We organized the blood drive and talked. It was
really nice, and I was reminded of why I like her so much. She's so amazing.
When she talked about her boyfriend I asked her not to. Then we almost kissed. I
felt tingly all over when we were so close. But her aunt interrupted. I know she
doesn't like me. She practically ordered me to go home.
Lana's aunt and my dad used to date a long time ago. I think she's still bitter
about it. Lana said she took whatever happened between them pretty hard.
I invited Lana to come by tomorrow night to watch the sunset. Maybe if it's just
us I'll get the chance to kiss her without interruption. Maybe then I can ask if
things are dead with her and Whitney. If they are I'll broach the subject of me
and her doing the fake date thing.
My mom did the deliveries today since I was busy helping Lana out with the blood
drive. It's a great cause, and her boyfriend wouldn't help her. He's upset about
something. Not sure what.
I didn't get to see Lex which I think at this point is a good thing. I need a
few days to clear my head. I thought some more about everything and I really
think this really is for the best.
Wish me luck.
~
10:35p - Just A Fool
I miss Lex so much. I wish we hadn't broken up. I wish he'd tell them to go
away. I hate them - I hate them all. Why can't I have him? I know it's not
because I'm a freak. He knows how much of a loser I am, and that didn't stop
him.
The other night when I went by to talk to him I wanted to kiss him so badly, but
I just couldn't do it.
Why doesn't he love me enough to give up the others for me?
Lana will never love me no matter what I do or say.
I'm not worth loving.
~~~~
10:00p - try to help a friend
I saved Victoria from drowning. She was in the bath when it happened.
So V is now gone. Lex had her sent to the city until we can figure out who tried
to kill her. It was a person; I know that much for sure. Somebody who doesn't
like her. Not that that narrows it down all that much. I know Amy doesn't like
her, but then neither does Bruce. Or me, for that matter.
I had stopped by the mansion tonight to let Lex know that I saw his guest
snooping on his laptop. He told me he already knew. I couldn't believe this.
He's not even in love with her, and yet he keeps her there, lets her go through
his things, and on top of that this girl from school, Amy, has a crush on him. I
don't blame her.
He didn't need me to tell him any of these things. He already knew it all. He
told me Amy has a teenage crush, nothing more. Does he see me that way? I mean
maybe all this moving on with BW and V is partly because I'm just a teenager.
He's never said this, but what if it's what he thinks? I know I don't understand
his world at all.
As if this whole Amy situation wasn't enough, Lex lost his watch. Lex told me
about this watch he lost. His mom gave it to him before she died. He talked
about how she had it made just for him. I felt like he was giving me a piece of
himself. He looked so open, and young. My heart squeezed. I wanted to hold him.
I wish I was with him right now.
~
10:01p - Loneliness has a color
Lana showed up for the sunset. I was even late because I was helping Lex out. I
know she was just being polite since she reminded me that she's still with
Whitney, and even if she wasn't there's Chloe… If I didn't have a stomped on
heart before this, I do now. I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, but I
guess I'm just a glutton for pain of the heartache kind.
I just watched through my telescope as she hugged Whitney. It seems like
everybody around me has somebody except me.
I'm so tired. I just came back from the mansion. Jeff tried to hurt Lex. He was
standing up for his sister, Amy, the one who was crushing on Lex. The funny
thing is I know how she feels. I want to be close to him too. She stole his
watch which wasn't cool, but I've stolen things from him too. I guess this makes
me no better than her.
I feel so alone right now.
I have something I need to do, and mom and dad aren't going to be happy. I
wouldn't be surprised if they never let me leave the house again. Maybe they'll
hide me away after this. I wish they would. I just don't feel like going out
there again.
Just ignore the pity party. I have to go. Mom is calling. She wants to know how
things went at the mansion. She'll be glad to hear that I saved Lex's life
again.
And now I take responsibility for my actions.
~
2:00a - The talk
I finally did it. I talked to mom and dad about what happened all those weeks
ago when I saved Bruce, and he saw undeniable proof that I am not human. They
were not pleased, to say the least. Dad was horrified that I would slip up so
badly, and mom was very disappointed. I just sat, and let them blast me. I had
no way to defend my actions. I know I screwed up. I know I could have said
something else or nothing at all. I shouldn't have told him a thing. He's a
virtual stranger in a position of power.
After they sent me to my room, so the two of them could talk about it, I almost
exploded with the humiliation and the pain of knowing I had let them down so
badly.
I will never do that again. Upon penalty of death, I vow NEVER to tell a
living soul about my alien heritage.
Dad gave me his 'disappointed look', the one that hurts to see.
By the time my mom came up to talk to me about it without dad there, I had
drifted off to sleep. She wanted insight. I told her I had hoped Bruce would
like me that way. That I found him attractive, and I wanted him to find
me attractive. I don't know if she bought it, but there is no way I am going to
have her breathing down Lex's neck because I fell for the wrong guy.
She told me they still couldn't agree on the right punishment, but that dad
thinks I should be punished. I told her the guilt I felt was punishment enough.
Like all mom's she smiled, and said we would see.
I'm not afraid that they will do something nasty. I know they won't. The last
time they tried to punish me; it didn't quite work out. I'm willing to take
whatever punishment they come up with.
I just hope they don't ask for something like that I end my friendship with Lex
or Bruce. I want to get to know both of them better. Now that Bruce knows what I
am, I'd like to see how he acts. He didn't act any differently when we last
talked.
Maybe I could go to him, and tell him I only meant alien as in teenage
alienation. It's worth a try. I think I might do that, since it would be foolish
of him to believe in real aliens.
~
2:02a - Calling
Lana just called. She thought I was going to hurt myself. I mean, I am down but
hurt myself? I have never thought of anything like that in my life. I did some
stupid stuff growing up, but doesn't everybody.
She was very understanding, and it really cheered me up to know that she cares
so much. She drops what she's doing in the city with her girlfriend to give me a
call.
I think I can safely say that this just makes me love her more; the way I think
I'd love a sister, if I had one. Or just a deeply cherished friend. She's such a
great person. I wish we'd become friends long ago. I'm real happy for her and
Chloe.
The best part is Lana has kept my secret about Lex despite the fact that it has
the potential to come between them if it ever came out. I know Chloe (who has
been very absent outside of helping me with some of the crazy stuff that has
been going on) has backed off for now. I just hope she never finds out. I don't
want to hurt either of them.
I think I should consider talking to Chloe about Lex. I'm going to think long
and hard about this. Since sometimes I just don't think these things through.
So much to think about.
~
10:45p - three things memo since I really had the most boring day
My dad gave me every single crap job on the farm today. So I will not bore you
with those details, Instead I will bore you with this:
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. death
2. being left behind by everybody I love
3. Losing my friends
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
1. Lex
2. prejudice
3. hate
THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
1. How to play guitar without breaking the strings
2. How to talk to my friends
3. How to do complex math
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. blue flannel shirt
2. grey boxers
3. blue jeans
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. computer
2. pens
3. broken CD of Remy Zero (it's Pete's I have to get him a new one)
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Make it so mom and dad never have to struggle financially
2. fall in love
3. go into space
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1. shy
2. smart
3. considerate
THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. some times quick to anger
2. can be thoughtless
3. don't think things through all the time
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1. adopted
2. farmers
3. not from here
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. hair
2. eyes
3. shoulders
THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. feet
2. arms
3. face
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU
1. I have low self esteem
2. I eat two slices of pie a day
3. I am terrified that I will never find somebody to be with
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. that's harsh
2. I'm sorry
3. Mom!
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
1. Africa
2. Moon
3. Gotham
THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
1. CK
2. Clark
3. no number three
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE OR HAD
1. CK
2. freak4ever
~
10:56p - I will never learn from lessons that I should
I went to see Lex tonight. I didn't even know what I wanted to say. Actually, I
did but I found I just couldn't say it. I wanted to beg him to take me back, but
instead we talked. I told him how lonely I've been. I'm just so bad with words.
I couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to say when I was there with him.
In my head it sounded so good.
He looked so vulnerable, so receptive so I kissed him. I needed to. I know
you're all going to yell at me so go ahead. Do it. I don't care. I feel like
crap about it already. I couldn't loath myself more if I tried.
I told him I loved him just before I kissed him. I told him that some of my
happiest moments have been with him. I tried to get him to understand how I
feel. How I still feel about him. I feel like I made a total fool out of myself.
After it happened, I wasn't sure what to do. He freaked and wanted to leave but
I begged him to stay. We talked a bit longer but not about the kiss. I was too
afraid to say anything about it. I was glad he left it alone.
On top of that, because I sneaked out to the mansion to see him, I inevitably
got caught. Mom was waiting for me. I told her I went for a run. I shouldn't
have snapped at her but I just wasn't in the mood to talk.
~
12:12a - where do I go from here
I had a long talk with mom tonight. I lied again. I told her I went out to see
Bruce. She told me I should be careful since he is older. I pointed out it was
probably a good idea to stay on his good side.
I wanted to talk to Lex today, but I wasn't sure how. I screwed up last time.
He's with somebody else. Two some bodies actually, and I'm sure one of them
likes him a lot.
It seems advice is scarce even here.
I think tomorrow I'll just see if he'd like to play pool. That always seemed to
work.
I have lots of homework to do. I better get back to that. Since mom is yelling
for me to get it done.
~
10:52a - missed the bus
Yesterday I missed the bus, which I do almost everyday anyway so it's not really
a big deal. I had to walk home from school. The interesting thing that happened
was I ran into BW. He stopped and offered me a ride home. I told him about
kissing Lex. He was way cooler about it than I was when he did the same thing.
I felt really uncomfortable, but I also felt like I should come clean. The guilt
had been eating at me since Monday.
When we got to my place after a nerve wracking but cool talk, my dad was waiting
for me since I had to do the deliveries. I introduced them. Dad was really rude,
and very short with Bruce. He glared at me with his 'we'll talk later' look,
which we did, and then told me to go do something. I figured this was so he
could talk to Bruce without me hovering. Bruce was really cool. He didn't even
blink when my dad practically told him off.
I haven't known Bruce that long, but I really want to get to know him better. He
seems like a very interesting guy. Very intense. Makes me think of Lex in the
sense that he's an enigma.
On a sore note, dad is really frustrated with me. He just doesn't understand at
all. Dinner last night was so quiet. I think dad talked to mom about what
happened.
I briefly got to see Lex. He was really busy when I dropped off the produce. We
only talked for a few minutes and he told me not to be a stranger.
I felt comfortable for the first time in a long time around him. He's such a
great guy. *sigh* No wonder I'm in love with him.
~
9:54p - seeds you sow
I'm hiding in my room tonight since mom and dad are fighting. I can't remember a
time when they had such a huge fight. On top of that, dad has been riding me
hard today. He's not really being unfair so much as just a big stubborn mule.
(mom's words)
School was boring. I still have homework to do. I can't believe how much
homework they send home. I mean the holidays are right around the corner. It's
just not fair. Plus finals are coming up.
Lana stopped by for help on the math exam. We concentrated on work so we didn't
really talk too much about anything else. Dad was really short with her when he
told her it was time to go home.
He lectured me just before I went up to my room. It was really annoying. The
only thing I hate more is that mom and dad are not talking, except if they have
to.
So now I hide. I can't hear them yelling anymore. This sucks, and it's all my
fault.
~
2:16a - What to say
I went for a long walk last night. I couldn't take my parents any more. I hated
knowing that they weren't getting along because of me. I wanted to go by the
mansion. It was my first instinct. To be honest, it was my only instinct. I was
hurting and I wanted to be with somebody who cares about me. Only Lex isn't
there for me anymore; at least not in the way that I wish.
He has others in his life. I sit here, miserable and all I want to do is go over
there, and tell Bruce to get lost. He may have been there when I really needed
someone, but when it comes to Lex . . . I want to tell Lex he's mine, and right
after that, tell him everything about myself so that we can build from there.
But he would tell me to leave, and go on hurting him and myself. I should have
just stayed with him. Maybe then I wouldn't feel this miserable.
I stopped over at Lana's last night. I just wanted to talk to somebody who
knows. I just wanted somebody to understand. I ended up talking about my mom and
dad and how they're fighting. It is all my fault that it's happening. When I ask
my mom how I can fix it, she just tells me to let her handle dad. She's always
in the middle of things. I hate that.
While I was with Lana she sort of got comfortable in my arms. It was purely
platonic. I felt nothing beyond friendship for her at all. But guess what, Chloe
showed up right at that moment. It was so late I had no idea she would be there.
I felt uncomfortable when she caught us in the hug especially since I had just
kissed Lana on the cheek.
Chloe wasn't thrilled. I don't blame her, but at this point, she really has
nothing to worry about. I only think of Lana as a friend. It would have been
nice if things had worked out. It would have been easier for me.
I went home after and just stayed in my barn loft. Mom and dad where asleep by
the time I got home, but I just couldn't be in the house with them. I'm sure mom
is wearing him down. He almost always gives into her when things get this bad
between them.
I just finished my homework after I spent the day doing farm chores. I used to
really enjoy doing them, but now, it's just tedious.
The whole day was tedious. I found half the time I itched to run off somewhere
far away, and the other hand I wanted to be with Lex. I should just go over
there and get him and force him to be mine forever. Jerk!
~
12:09p - I am never drinking again
I only had one drink, but that was enough. Yesterday I went out with Chloe and
Lana. We ended up going bowling. I kind of got competitive, and kicked their
asses, since it was me against them. I don't even know why I did that.
I had a lot of fun. I wanted to invite Pete, but he was busy. I didn't bother
asking them if I could ask him to come along. I didn't really want to go, didn't
want to feel like a third wheel, but it turned out fine.
Afterwards, we went back to Lana's place since her aunt was in the city for the
day. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were drinking. I said no
at first since I've never had alcohol before. (I know big loser.) I only had one
just to try it. I can't even remember what I had. I blurted stuff out that I
hope Chloe doesn't remember. I told her that I'm gay. She wanted to know if it
bothered me when they kiss in front of me.
That's when I just said it. I couldn't stop myself. I went on about Lex, and how
he should be mine. It was so embarrassing. Luckily, the effects of the alcohol
wore off and by the time Lana's aunt got home, I wasn't drunk anymore. She threw
a fit, yelled at me, and told me to go home, and that she would talk to my mom
about my irresponsible behavior. She blamed me for getting them drunk; claimed I
was a bad influence on them.
I ran out of there as fast as I could. I didn't even contradict what she said.
My mom is so not happy and dad? Freaked beyond words.
Anyway, I'm hiding out now since it's already all over the school what happened.
Pete actually believed it. I was so mad at him. Jerk. He knows I would never do
that. Instead, he jokes that I got the girls drunk, and took advantage of them.
I hate how rumors start like that. How the heck did people find out so fast?
I should get back to class. It's so annoying that guys who wouldn't give me the
time of day are congratulating me on my score with Lana and Chloe.
~
10:52a - Yesterday was the longest day of the year
I was never so happy to see a day end. Yesterday was hell. The fight at
school, which got me grounded by the way, and the whole taunting just pissed me
off. I don't usually get mad over these things. I brush them off, and move on,
but this time it was about Chloe and Lana so I couldn't do that.
The best thing to happen to me yesterday was that I got to see Lex. I told him
about the drinking and the rumors that had spread. He gave me the advice to go
and talk to Chloe, which I took.
I wanted him to hold me. I felt so lost. I think I hid it well, but I've never
been the subject of gossip. I had no idea how to handle it. I mean I wanted to
punch that jerk out for saying what he said about Chloe. He's luck I only pushed
him into a locker.
It was so cool to see the look on Lex's face when I told him I'd gotten into a
fight at school. It's as if he thinks I don't do normal teen things.
At least he touched me. That was the best part. I can still feel it on my arm.
Then we played a game of pool. I only had time for one. I watched him when his
back was turned to me. He just looked so good.
(it fueled my fantasies last night. Now that I know how it feels to touch him,
and be touched by him, my fantasies are so much better. I want him back. NOW!!!)
In other news, Pete apologized to me (on the bus ride to school) for believing
the rumors. I told him it was cool, but the truth is it hurt to know that he
would think that about me. I thought he knew me better. He asked me if there was
something I needed to talk about. I told him about going to see Chloe to make
sure she was okay. I even suggested that maybe he could talk to her at lunch
today. Maybe try to make her feel better, laugh it off. I'm not sure if I should
have done that, but he hasn't really been around lately. He's always going
straight home, telling me he has things to do for his mom. I think he hasn't
gotten over Jodie. I don't blame him; they shared an intimate moment.
The talk with Chloe went well I think. I mostly just held her, and told her
stuff like how it would blow over fast. I'm not so sure, but nobody has made
lewd comments to me today so maybe the rumor that I'm not such a stud after all
is getting around. I hope so because if that would help the girls out, I would
gladly be branded a loser. I told Chloe that I'm gay. She was glad I finally
told her, and chastised me for not telling her soon. I didn't tell her about
Lex. I guess my first instinct is to protect him at all cost.
On the plus side, it's much easier to be near Lex than it has been in the last
while. I didn't realize how comfortable things were until after I left. It was
almost like before. I still love him, almost more than I can believe.
I have to get to class.
~
8:52p - Lana's FAKE boyfriend name calling
I have never disliked anybody before and I always give people a chance. I find
it so annoying and just plain stupid that Whitney the jerk who still hasn't said
sorry for stringing me up in that field, would taunt me about the rumors. They
weren't true; I said as much, so what more does he want? It's not enough for him
to make fun of me behind my back, he has to tell me to my face that he knew they
couldn't be true since I am probably gay.
I hope Lana breaks his heart into a trillion pieces. Big jerk. Why is everybody
being such a jerk to me today?
Just venting here. I guess that's what this has become. I'm really sorry I just
have nowhere else to go some of the times, and isn't that what a journal is for?
To tell what you really think.
I suppose these are unkind thoughts. I don't know. Just because what he said is
true it doesn't give him the right to do that to me. I'm not proud of myself
since I had to say something nasty in return about how if he's such a man
himself then why is his girlfriend dating another girl.
And mow I'm worried about Lana and Chloe finding out what I told him.
~
11:41p - Long hard day
I just cannot believe my day. First, the rumors have finally died down. I had
lunch with my best friend, and we talked. He said he asked a girl out on a date.
I should call after this to see how it went. He seemed like he really wanted to
go on the date, but at the same time, I think he was just putting on a brave
face. I told him it was great that he was finally moving on.
We talked about Lana and Whitney. I had to pipe up since he was trying to defend
Whitney. I told him about the scarecrow thing. I told how Whitney picked me
because he thought I had tried to move in on Lana. He was not impressed, but I
made him promise not to say a word to anybody, ever. It wasn't as hard to tell
him as I thought it would be. I guess since it's been a few months, I can put it
behind me. It was nice to be able to tell my best friend.
Lana and I took Chloe horseback riding. It was her first time. She did pretty
good. The only bad thing that happened was when Lana was thrown from her horse.
I heard her scream, and when I went to see what was wrong there was this guy
hovering over her. Later on, the guy told me he was trying to help her, but her
aunt wanted me to tell the police he tried to hurt her. I refused. I wasn't
about to lie even for Lana.
We got it on tape anyway so there was no reason to charge the guy. He didn't do
anything wrong. Of course, everybody else was mad at me. After I went to talk to
the guy, I stopped off at the coffee shop to see how Lana was doing. Her FAKE
boyfriend taunted me about how if he'd been there he would have done something
about the guy. Big jerk! I wanted to punch his lights out.
At least Lex was there to keep me company. He has this way of putting things in
such a succinct manner. I got to talk to him today during deliveries. I told him
about telling Chloe about my sexual preference. He was glad that I have friends
to confide in. He did say he thinks she suspects that I like him. I guess that
could be true since she is smart. I just liked being near him. It was nice to be
that close, and look him in the eyes. He looked great. The woman he's with
was back in town. She smiled at me on the street. I was polite, and smiled back.
Then later on Whitney did go see that guy. Something happened, but I'm not sure
what. I have to look into it. The police arrested the guy, but he said Whitney
attacked him first. I have to find out the truth. It seems weird: off somehow. I
mean, why would the guy insist Whitney attacked him when Whitney claims the guy
attacked him first. That made no sense even to me.
I went off to eat, and call my friend. He did go on the date. They went to see a
movie. He said he might ask her out again, and then he told me he was turning in
early. He seemed off. I think I'll ask Chloe to talk to him. Maybe he'll talk to
her when he won't talk to me.
On another note, at least I'm not grounded any more. My mom watches me like a
hawk now. This can't be a good thing.
~
11:54p - It's official
My world has been turned upside-down. We lost the farm! My dad signed it away
to some guy named Mr. Rickman who wants to build factories on the land. I just
can't believe my dad would do that. Mom is so mad. I have never seen mom this
mad at him before. He says he can't even remember what happened but he signed
the papers. I asked Lex for help, unfortunately he said it's an ironclad sale.
Then he went on to say that wouldn't stop him from getting every lawyer on his
payroll to break it. I could have kissed him right on the spot.
In other news, Lana is mad at me because I believe Kyle (the guy from the woods)
over her FAKE boyfriend. Kyle says Whitney attacked him first and the evidence
seems to support Kyle's claim. I hate to fight with Lana, but it's such a weird
situation. I just can't believe she actually had the nerve to expect me to
apologize to her because of all that's happened, because I didn't take Whitney's
side in this whole situation. I'm not mad at her, I just think she's blind to
the fact that Whitney isn't really as nice a guy as she'd like to think.
I helped Kyle escape from prison. Actually, he was already escaping when I got
there, but the cops shot at him so I helped him. I took him to the mansion. He
got shot, and was bleeding all over me. Lex called a friend of his who could
help out. I left Kyle at the mansion with Lex.
I wish I could have stayed if only to be near Lex. He looked amazing, but then
he always does. I always say that in here don't I? Oh well, I guess I'm hooked.
If I had stayed I would have avoided the uncomfortable run-in with Lana.
Sometimes I just don't get her. She just judges the guy without even finding out
what really happened, and at the same time just keeps blindly defending Whitney,
despite everything.
Anyway, I was thinking about going over to the mansion again, but I think my mom
would notice. I really want to go see Lex. I feel like I should explain myself
more to him. Try to get him to understand how I feel. I told him he's the only
one I trust, and it's true. I totally trust him. There are things about me that
I want to tell him so badly. I want him to know.
I guess I'll just do my homework and get to bed. I could always call him if I
really feel like it.
~
9:57p - Bullet-bruises
I am in a lot of pain right now. It hurts even to sit here and type this up,
but I am so confused I need to think this through aloud. See it in writing.
Lex shot me today. It wasn't his fault, and I know he never would have done it
if he'd been in his right mind, but it still hurts. It hurts physically, which
almost never happens, and it hurts emotionally. The look in his eyes when he did
it; I get a lump in my throat when I think about it. He looked so overjoyed. It
was scary. I'm scared.
I'm at home now safe in my room, and he's back at the mansion probably with
Bruce. I doubt he'd go to Victoria about what happened. He was under Rickman's
spell. Kyle said he won't remember what happened. Rickman ordered Lex to kill
me, and Kyle. Unfortunately, thanks to the meteor rocks a handshake turned my
best friend into my worst nightmare.
The hate in his eyes - I never forget anything thanks to my perfect memory. I
know I won't forget that look any time soon. The accusation in his voice, about
hiding secrets from him, will stay with me for a long while. But I'm not going
to let these things rule me. I know he wasn't in his right mind. I know it's not
how he really feels. I also know what I want from him, and I am determined to
get it. No matter what it takes.
I tried to get him to realize what he was doing but nothing I said helped. He
told me friendship was a fairytale. He said things I can't forget. I know deep
down inside he was under a spell, but the conviction of his words echo in my
mind.
I wish I could tell him the truth about me. I wish I could say the words: I'm an
alien. It looks so stupid when I write it here. I say it aloud, and it still
doesn't seem real. I still wish I could confide. Maybe the hollowness in my
chest would disappear.
I'm in too much pain to sit here any more. I want my mom to make it better. I
sound like a twelve year-old, but I don't care. I'm going downstairs to ask her
to make me some hot chocolate.
I blame this all on the stupid rocks. I hate those rocks. I wish somebody had
been smart enough to get rid of them a long time ago. If my mom and dad are
smart enough to get rid of them, why isn't the rest of this stupid town smart
enough?
I wish I could go see Lex.
~
8:42p - I told him
Lex stopped by this morning to let us know that the farm was ours again. We
talked about friendship, and I moved in close to tell him that I want more from
him, but that I'm willing to wait as long as it takes, for him to realize we're
meant to be together.
My heart was pounding in my chest I was so nervous, but I did it, and I feel so
alive right now. I feel like I could take on the world.
He smelled so good. It was great to be so close to him. I wish I could go over
there right now, and take him somewhere far away where nobody else would find
us. Where I could hold him in my arms, and show him how I feel.
Instead, I have work to do. My dad is very contrite. I made my mom and dad
believe that it was all Lex's doing that we have the farm again. I don't even
feel guilty that I lied. After all, they're the ones who taught me how to do it
so well.
Lana stopped by to say she didn't want to fight anymore. What ever. I didn't
really listen to her since I was still high from thinking about what I was going
to say to Lex. Oh, I pretended to care as much as I knew she wanted me too, (To
be polite too of course.) but I think maybe I need a few days away from her.
~
8:44a - Hanging with Pete
Last night I spent some time with my friend Pete. We've both been so busy
lately, but we decided that we had to make time for our friendship. I felt bad.
I mean, he's my best friend. I didn't even realize how much I missed his
friendship until now. Unfortunately, Lana and Whitney were at the coffee shop
(it's really the only coffee shop in town so it's difficult to go anywhere else
if all you want to do is hang somewhere with that kind of atmosphere.)
I just stopped long enough to say hi to them; since Whitney was glaring so hard
at me, I thought he would puncture my skin. It was almost amusing. He was doing
it behind Lana's back otherwise I know she would have said something. It was all
good. She looked happy which was nice to see. I am happy for her. It's so weird,
I know things will never progress beyond friendship between us, but some part of
me still wishes it could. She's so beautiful, and so nice. I think about all the
time I spent dreaming about her, and when I see her now, even knowing what our
relationship is, I still feel a tiny stab of hope. I know I shouldn't since I'm
not her type, but I just can't help it. One thing I promised to myself was that
I would be as honest here as I possibly could.
On a good note, Pete seems so much better than the last time we talked. He told
me he's thinking about going to see Jody some time in the near future. I'm not
sure that's such a great idea. It might only make things worse. I'm considering
talking him out of it, or maybe going along with him.
I found out this morning that the woman staying with Lex has left for the
holidays, and she's not expected back for another few weeks. If Bruce weren't at
the mansion, I would throw myself in Lex's face just so I could be near him, and
maybe show him why I belong there with him. It's a stupid thought, but he's
mine.
~
11:22p - It a go!
I asked mom today if I can invite Lex over for Christmas dinner, and she said
yes. She said that it was the least we could do after all Lex had done to help
us. I told her all about how he immediately offered to help without any
hesitation. I am so happy right now!
I also asked if it would be okay for me to invite Bruce. She said it was. I feel
like celebrating right now. I'll ask Lex tomorrow when I do the deliveries. I
know he'll say yes, and if he doesn't, I'll just have to convince him. ;)
I spent most of the day over at my friend Pete's house, with Pete and his
family. I wanted to help them get things ready for their family gathering, and
to spend more time with him. He seemed so excited, and talked a mile a minute
about everything. It was so great to see him happy.
~
12:26a - Discovery
I'm so excited. I just never thought I would find this. I think I found Lex's
journal. A while back I accidentally caught some of his journal name. I was
surfing friends of friends lists. and came across this journal. It has to be
him! In his last entry he talks about not remembering things that happened to
him.
It says --
still don't remember what happened, and I still have a very bad feeling
about it. I went to see my angel to find out the truth, to see if he knew what I
had done, if I had done anything to him. But my angel promises that I didn't
hurt him. He seems okay. I look into those eyes and I just want to believe him.
I don't trust myself but I do trust him. Even if...even if he's not telling me
everything...
But then...
I was trying to convey to him what his friendship means to me. How significant
it is.
And he...he said that he still wanted more. That he'd wait until I understood.
What we were meant to be. I could feel him standing so close. Heat from his
body. I...I wanted him.
But
I just wish that he'd understand. He's putting me in an impossible position.
He's so young. I'm so...me. We can't be.
And Bruce needs me. Bruce knows me. Bruce is real. Bruce and I are real. I need
it to be real. I need something in my life to be real. Still fairly fucked up,
but undeniably real.
Bruce needs me right now, in a way he's never expressed to anyone. Needs me to
help him with something that runs so deep that I can't help but be blown away by
the request and all that he has revealed with it.
Why do I feel like I am betraying them both?
It has to be him. I have to go read every entry. I can't help it. Wow! This
could really help me understand where he's coming from.
Woah! He's wanted me from the moment he laid eyes on me.
He says - I suppose it doesn't say much for my salvation that once my
breathing returned to normal my first thought was that I wanted to fuck him.
That totally made me blush when I read it.
Yeah! I am so excited by this.
My angel. Is he talking about me? I'm not an angel. I did fall from the sky, but
I am the farthest thing from a celestial being. And he trusts me. He trusts me,
and I lie to him every time we talk. I hate myself.
~
10:05a - I <3 Lex so much
I found Lex's journal. I know where he is on line. I read all of it last night.
He said he told Bruce that he loves him. I thought all along that it was
something he couldn't do easily. He never said it to me until we argued, and
then it was so hard for him to say it out loud.
I'm glad he has Bruce, but that hurts to read. I know from reading all his posts
that he does love me. He even talks about losing himself in me, which is really
weird. I had no idea he felt that way. I wish I could go back, and do things
differently. I wish I hadn't hurt him so much. I was so wrapped up in my own
pain; I guess I didn't realize what all of this was doing to him. I feel so
selfish. I never thought of myself that way. I think he's right about me being
too young. I knew this all along. I just wish I'd not jumped in so soon to
something serious with him.
I love him now more than ever after reading all these thoughts. He's amazing,
and so passionate. I have been thinking about nothing else all night. I couldn't
even go to sleep. I feel so confused and overwhelmed, but the one thing I know
is that I love him now more than ever.
I'm seeing him today to invite him over for Christmas dinner at my place. I know
he'll say yes. I know I can get him to.
I will have to stop myself from hugging him the moment I see him today.
~
12:21a - I invited him and he said yes!
It was so strange to be near him after having read his journal. I couldn't
take my eyes off him. He's so beautiful. I wanted to touch so badly. I wanted to
hold him. He needs me, I just wish I could tell him that it's okay, that I
understand better now. I guess I should wait until I'm older. It doesn't really
matter since he has Bruce. I can wait. Sort of.
(I have to re-read some of his entries tonight since I read them so fast last
night.)
I did get to touch him, but I had to restrain myself from pulling him into my
arms and just holding him close. He smelled so great. He probably thinks I'm a
freak now since I spent the whole time he was there staring at him. I tried to
flirt with him, but I'm pretty sure it was a bust. He didn't seem to notice at
all.
I'm going to have to think things through. I know I want him back; I just need
to figure out when and how. Maybe I'll just watch him for a while to see how he
is around me. See how things go. I'm not sure. Or maybe I'll just keep flirting.
Not that I'm very good at it.
I told mom, right after Lex left that he accepted. She immediately started
planning; dad just glared at me and took off in the truck.
I'm totally excited about it. I've never had Lex over for dinner. It's so cool
that my mom is behind it all. She's so cool. I have to help her all day
tomorrow. It's going to be a busy day. Plus I still have to get Lex his present.
It won't be a truck :) but I have something in mind. I hope he likes it.
~
11:47p - gift giving and holiday spirit
I spent all day running errands for my mom. She made more pies than I have ever
seen. It was torture to watch them go to other people. I did manage to snag a
piece or two of pecan though. I did it behind mom's back, but I guess she'll
notice the missing pieces. I don't care, I'll take the heat.
I stopped by and dropped everybody's gifts off. I still have to give Lex his.
He's so hard to buy for. What do you get somebody who has everything? And I mean
everything. There is nothing he can't get for himself. Everything I've looked at
I can't afford. Every time I thought I found the perfect gift the price tag made
it impossible. I got him something, but it's so lame. I hope he likes it.
At least dad is easy to buy for. I got him this funny black tie with dancing
cows on it. And mom gets a day at a spa. Dad and I pitched in and got it for
her. She really deserves it. She works so hard.
I stopped by the mansion. There were people everywhere, getting it ready for the
season. It looks really nice. Security is much tighter. I actually had to check
in with the guard when I arrived.
I wanted to spend some time with him so we could talk some more. I read his
journal again last night, parts of it anyway. He tells people a lot of personal
stuff. I was surprised, but then I guess since it's so anonymous he can say what
he wants. The comments, and his replies, are almost as interesting as what the
posts.
People encourage him with his relationship with Bruce. I wish I could tell them
to stop, but I guess that's their prerogative. They also encourage him to try me
again which I could totally go for. I feel much better about things with us.
Like today, when I saw him, and we sat for a few minutes to talk, I just stared
into his eyes. They have so much depth and emotion in them. I love them, I love
him. I want him back. I want us to be us again.
Maybe my New Year's resolution should be to seduce him. I'd need help with that,
since I have no idea how to do that. I'll have to think about it. Maybe I could
ask mom how dad seduced her.
Anyway, off to eat some more pie. Happy holidays everybody!
~
4:09p - Xmas at Pete's place and Lex
I spent most of the day over at my best friend's house. His family is so big.
He has a lot of brothers, which is cool. We went for a drive after his mom got
fed up with us just milling around snagging bites here and there of what ever
she happened to be cooking. It was so much fun. Things seem so much more at ease
between us. He seemed his old self. After the drive we played some b-ball then
had an afternoon meal. His mom is a great cook.
I came home to find that Lex had posted again. He talked about what he got me
for Christmas. He even had a link which I did not look at since I love
surprises. I can't wait for tomorrow. I hung mistletoe in the hallway. My mom
asked who I expected to kiss under it. I turned bright red of course.
I'm still smiling after reading how happy Lex is about the holidays. It's so
good to see him happy, and I'm so glad he's getting along with his dad. I wish
he'd stop thinking about how I saved his life.
I'm trying to guess what he got me. He talks about the time I took him to look
at stars. It was one of the most wonderful nights of my life. I know that if
it's something connected to that I will totally love it.
Mom needs my help so I have to get going.
I know I already did this, but happy holidays again to all of you out there. I
hope it's everything you wished for.
~
1:00a - Mistletoe kisses
Lex is here right now, asleep in my bed. Only I'm not there; I'm downstairs.
We're snowed in, believe it or not. Bruce is in the guest room. It's really
late, but I just can't sleep, knowing he's right above me. I have to sleep on
the sofa tonight.
The dinner was great. Bruce was really quiet. He was very polite and everything.
I couldn't really tell whether he liked the gift I got him. I gave him a snow
globe with a Metropolis skyline so he'd always know he has friends here. I told
him that.
After the dinner we discovered that we were snowed in. It was very beautiful,
but Lex and Bruce had to stay since mom deemed it unsafe for them to drive home.
When mom and dad went up to fix up the guest room, and Bruce went off, I'm still
not sure where, Lex and I exchanged gifts. He got me this amazing Expedition to
the Stars Kit.
I love the gift and I can't wait to put it together.
I got him a lavender dress shirt with a black tie that has these cheesy purple
dollar signs on it. I was kind of embarrassed since I can't afford much, but he
seemed to like it, and he even said he'd wear it.
After we exchanged gifts I hugged him. It was so nice to have him so close. He
smelled so wonderful. I was hard instantly. Then I heard a sound upstairs and it
ended. I pulled away. Then we stood and when I turned around I saw that he was
standing under the mistletoe. I didn't even think about it. I just went over,
and kissed him on the lips. He was so stunned, but he didn't push me away. When
it hit me what I was doing, with my mom and dad right upstairs, I freaked.
I have hope though, since he seemed okay with what I did.
I'm off to sneak pie.
1:05 am - ET here
We're snowed in.
I just came back from watching Lex jerk off. I stood outside my bedroom door,
and watched, with my x-ray vision, as he jerked off. I was so hard, I wanted to
jump in and help. He's wearing my pjs that mom loaned him. I'm going to wear
them tomorrow night, and I'm not going to wash my sheets. It will be almost as
if we're in the same bed.
When I got his gift I couldn't help but think that I wanted to tell Lex that
earth doesn't need SETI. I am the ET they're all looking for.
I still can't believe I kissed Lex. I hate this. I want him back now! My mind is
in a whirl. I need to go for a run, but how do I explain that? Bruce and mom and
dad would know but Lex wouldn't. I hate keeping it from him. I hate that he
doesn't know the truth. I am so scared every time I think about telling him all
I picture is him telling me he hates me, and that he'll ruin my life forever.
~
12:47a - I just came back from seeing Lex
I read his journal, and had to go over right away. By the time I got there, I
realized I had no reason to be there. I couldn't really explain myself so I just
said I wanted to say bye before he left for his trip. It was hard to see him,
and know that he was going away. I know it's only a week, but I miss him
already.
He told me I could hang out at the mansion if I needed a place to hide out in.
Maybe I might stop by. I could always hang in the Troy room. I really like it.
It makes me feel safe.
I told Lex that we are meant to be together. I know more than ever that we are.
I just think he needs to know it. I wanted to kiss him, but he seemed so stand
offish so I held back. Part of me feels guilty about Bruce but at the same time
Lex is mine. I want him to be mine.
I miss him so much, already. I spent the day putting that kit together. I smiled
the whole time since Lex gave it to me. When I look at it I think of him. It's
like he really knows me; like he sees the true me. I wish that was true, and not
just me dreaming. I wish he did know the true me.
He's so important to me. I find myself thinking about him all the time. I was
working with dad in the barn, and I started talking about Lex. Dad was not
amused. He asked me to stop talking, and get my ass in gear, since the work
wasn't going to do itself. It really annoys me that dad doesn't even give him a
chance. After the nice dinner we had I would have thought dad would cool down,
but instead he just gets all weird.
~
9:53p - I eat pie because I really have nothing else to do
I'm sitting in my room surfing my f-list, and eating apple pie. I had a pretty
boring day. Everything just seemed so bland compared to other things I could
have been doing. I got a note from BW today. He thanked me for the gift I gave
him. It was a very nice note. I felt guilty for about five seconds over my
dreams about Lex until I realized that no matter who he's with, my dreams are my
own, and nobody can tell me what I can and can't think.
I had this dream that Lex took me to Europe with him. I dreamt he showed up on
my doorstep, and told me had broken it off with Bruce and that he wanted only
me. Then suddenly we were on the plane. I got up to do something and when I
returned he was gone. I looked everywhere for him. I even started to tear up the
plane trying to find him, but he was gone.
Off to have more fun on line. It's great to see all the different people. Since
I hardly ever get to go outside of my hometown, it's cool that there's a way to
see what's out there.
I miss Lex a lot. I guess I'll be saying that every day while he's gone. I hope
he's having a good time. I called his cell, and left a message, telling him how
my day went. He didn't call back, but I didn't really expect him to.
~
1:05a - Not very exciting
I spent most of the day either cleaning or hanging with Pete. We didn't
really do much except play some basketball, and talk about Jody. He's determined
to go see her. I told him he needs to be careful, but he insists on going. He
said his brother is going to take him.
I called Lex again, and got his answering service again. He's not picking up,
and maybe it's because he knows it's me. I don't want to jump to the wrong
conclusions, but he must know I called. I told him what I did, and I told him I
couldn't wait to talk to him when he gets back.
I went to the mansion today to ask the cook if they still want me to deliver the
Monday order. Nobody was around but they left a note. I'm to deliver as always.
Since nobody was there I stayed for a while. It was nice to be in his office, to
see his things. He left his laptop here, but I couldn't get into it since I
didn't know what the password is.
I am so tired tonight. I don't usually get tired, but for some reason I am.
~
10:59p - Too much action for one day
Today has been way too busy! First I meet Lex's new security guy. I'll call him
Mr. K. He was waiting for me when I did today's delivery. He seems very nice and
very dedicated to making sure Lex stays safe. I am so glad. It seems like Lex is
attacked way too often for my taste. He's still away of course, so I called him
again. He still didn't answer his phone. I guess it's because it's really late
over there.
Anyway, I overheard this guy talking about doing something to the L's so I
investigated. He attacked Mr. K, but I got there in time to stop him, but not
before he got in a good punch or two. The guy was really strong. It smarted when
he hit me.
The weirdest thing happened. We took the fight outside, and bats attacked me. It
was so strange. I'm not sure why they did it. They managed to cut me a little,
and tear my t-shirt, but other than that, I'm fine. They flew away once I
knocked the guy out.
I had to make sure Mr. K was okay so after they took the guy away I stayed at
the mansion for a while. He asked me questions about what happened outside, and
then told me to get home. He was really nice about it. I lost another t-shirt
which sucked since it was once of my favorites.
It's really funny because Mr. K calls Lex by his last name, and he doesn't look
much older than him. In fact he's kind of young. I just hope he really can make
sure Lex is taken care of.
~
8:54p - Another day in paradise
I should start making stuff up. My life is so not exciting. Especially today.
The year ends quietly with me at home. I've been invited to Chloe's house for
New Years Eve. I called PR and begged him to come with me. He wasn't up for it,
but I convinced him he needed to get out. I asked if anything happened but he
told me he didn't want to talk about it. I'll try to talk to him tomorrow night.
Chloe sounds really excited about the party. When I asked if we would be
drinking again she promised not to get me in trouble.
I called Lex again. He wasn't there. I really miss him. It sounds so pathetic
when I say that. It even looks pathetic typed out. Maybe I should just move on.
Maybe I should just find somebody else. The thought isn't very appealing. I only
want him. Although Bruce is pretty hot. Speaking of which, I went to return the
shirt Mr. K loaned me last night. I thought it was Lex's but it turns out it was
Bruce's. We're the same size it seems.
I stayed in today since there was so much work around the farm today. Dad wants
to make sure everything is in order for what I have no idea. He won't tell me.
He's probably just making stuff up just so I won't be a lazy bum.
I'm off to watch The Matrix. Mom got it for me for Xmas. She noticed I like
Keanu.
~
7:00p - Before I go off to the party etc.
I thought I would wish everybody a happy New Year. Be good!
I worked my ass off today so I am really looking forward to just relaxing with
my friends. Mr. K stopped by to check on me. He's a really nice guy. I'm
surprised Mr. L hired somebody nice. The way Lex talks it always seems like his
dad has ulterior motives for everything he does.
It's cool that Lex will have somebody close to his age over there to relate to.
I plan on calling Lex at midnight since I have nobody to kiss when the clock
strikes. Not that I ever have. Except my mom of course, but she doesn't really
count since it's always a kiss on the cheek.
I did the deliveries as early as I could today because of the party I'm going
to. When I delivered to the mansion Mr. K was waiting again. I didn't have to
sign in and get a pass since he said I could come by any time. Which is really
nice of him. I asked if he was spending the tonight alone working, and he said
he wouldn't be alone so that's cool. I hate to think of anybody alone on New
Years Eve. PR is coming to pick me up soon so I have to go. He's driving us to
Chloe's house. I hope he has a good time. I don't want to push him into
something he really isn't into but at the same time I don't want him to be alone
tonight.
I have to go get ready for the party. I think tonight I'll dress up nice just
because it would be a nice change.
Have fun, but not too much.
1:15p - My New Year's Eve
It was really nice. I had a good time, even though Whitney bugged me about Lana.
I can't go anywhere near Lana without Whitney thinking I'm making a move on her.
This time he reminded me I'm not her type. I was nice and didn't remind him that
neither is he. She asked me to go easy on him. I told her I would.
My resolution is to be nicer to people. Looking back, I guess I could have
treated some people better. I never thought I was a mean person but Lex must
think I am. He talks about the bad things I thought of him and how much it hurt
him to hear me say that stuff. I also privately vow to let him be. He's
obviously happy with Bruce and I would never want to hurt them. I'm just not
that kind of person. I couldn't do it to Lana when she was with Whitney so I
certainly won't do it to Lex.
At least I got a kiss on the cheek from Lana. We had a talk that was kind of
embarrassing. She needed to talk to somebody about her and Chloe. They did it on
Christmas day. I didn't really know what to say. Our conversation was just so
nice. I still look at her sometimes and just wish she did like me that
way. But I know it's never going to happen.
My dad is actually going to make me work today. I can't believe he won't give me
a day off. After I'm done with the chores, I think I'll stop by the mansion to
see if Mr. K would like to play some pool. I don't know if he plays. I guess I
could ask him. If he says no maybe we could do something else, unless he's busy
of course.
It's only a few more days before Lex comes back. I vow that I am going to be a
better person, and a better friend to him. He deserves so much and I thought
about it a lot. I think it's great that Bruce is there with him. It means Lex
won't ever be alone. I don't ever want him to be alone. I know how it feels to
be alone and it isn't nice.
~
10:55p - Some things aren't worth worrying about
Not that what I put in the title has anything to do with what I'm writing
tonight.
I feel sort of lost today. I had an okay day, worked hard, and got to talk to
Lana on the phone. She asked me if I would go shopping with her and Chloe. I
agreed to go with them so that is what I will be doing tomorrow. Maybe it'll do
me some good to get out. Dad and mom said it would be cool if I slacked off a
little and did that for the better part of the day.
I went by the mansion to hang out with Mr. K. He's pretty cool: really polite. I
think mom would like him.
We played pool and he was good. I didn't beat him once, but that's cool. I
wasn't really doing it to win, more to just have somebody to hang with. He's
strange very different than other guys I'm used to. I get the feeling he might
like guys that way. He didn't say it but I just have this feeling, which
is cool. I may ask him a few things if I get up the nerve.
I did get up the nerve to ask him if Lex had called the mansion at all to check
in. He said that Lex hadn't called to his knowledge. I guess he would know since
he is the head of the security.
~
12:07a - shopping for new stuff
Never let your female friends take you shopping. Not that I don't appreciate
what Chloe and Lana were trying to do. I did really. I followed them around and
smiled at all the clothing suggestions. I know I went way out of my way to make
sure that I showed them I was all for what they were doing.
They tired me out! I think I went to every single store in the mall that sold
clothing for men. Some of the suggestions were just ridiculous but I tried them
on anyway. I just couldn't bear to see the look in either of their eyes if I
said no. I tried to say no the first time and learned my lesson.
So now I own a new pair of pants which I desperately needed and a new dark red
long sleeved dress shirt. I needed new shoes so I picked up a pair of nice dress
shoes.
He's back. I'm not sure when he arrived. I called at four but he wasn't home
yet. (unless he was and they didn't tell me.) He posted in his journal so I know
he's around. He says some things about me that I can't get out of my head.
He didn't mention my calls so I have no idea if he heard any of them. I think he
would mention them since I called every day. Maybe that was too much. Maybe I
should back off.
I have so much work to do tomorrow. Dad couldn't get anything done since he had
to go over to the next county all day to find a part for the stupid tractor. I
hate that thing.
I guess I'll wait until Lex calls me. He's probably going to need time to
recover. I hate my life.
~
9:53a -
My phone messages turned him on! I am so happy right now. I am off to do a
million trillion chores, and then I am going over to the mansion ASAP to be with
him. Even if I can't touch and I can't be close to him I know that it will be so
great. I love him a million times more now than ever. He's the most awesome
thing in the world.
The tractor is broken again and on top of that dad won't get the part until next
week. Stupid tractor! It means I'll have to do the chores that I can by hand.
That could take forever.
Lex LOVES ME!!!!!
~
10:44p - Trapped
My dad decided, out of the blue after I spent the whole day doing all his chores
and mine, that we would be staying in for a family night. I finally excused
myself after sitting with my mom and dad in front of the TV for a few hours. I
told them I had homework to do. I don't but I just didn't want to hang out with
my parents. Plus I was ready to punch my dad out. He was driving me insane.
I called Lex. He was really tired. I told him I wanted to come by but I couldn't
so I would see him when I did deliveries tomorrow. He was happy to hear from me.
I didn't ask about Bruce or that woman. He said he's alone in the mansion
tonight. I wish I could be there with him. I thought about sneaking out but mom
said she'd be checking on me every once in a while.
Something weird is going on. I have no idea why mom and dad are acting strange.
First they want me to stay in for a 'family night' and now mom keeps checking on
me.
She just left after the third time checking. Apparently my dad is sorry he
yelled at me. Jerk. He should tell me that himself. I'm just real mad at him
right now so anything I say is just heat of the moment. I know that but I just
needed to vent somewhere that wouldn't get anybody hurt. I already smashed a few
things in the barn. I'll probably regret it in the morning, but for now I'll
just burn energy a different way.
~
10:04p - lies and pain
Something's wrong. I am so tired. I've never been this tired before. I was hit
by lightning today on the class trip. Eric almost fell off the dam and when I
pulled him up, I felt weak and so drained. I also burned my hand. I didn't tell
mom and dad about it because I didn't want to worry them, but I have no idea
what to do. My shoulder is sore and all my muscles ache.
On top of that Lana was wearing her meteor necklace today at school. I hate the
meteors so much. I wish they didn't hurt me.
I read Lex's last few posts again. God it hurts so much to read when he talks
about my lies. I wish I didn't need to lie to him. I wish things were different.
to trust him through all the lies. Because of all the lies. The lies are
surely for both of our benefit, right? To protect us both. I am what I am and
perhaps there are some things I shouldn't know.
I want to cry every time I read this. I feel helpless and lost and like I should
just leave him alone. So that way I won't have to spew lies when ever we talk
about my special-ness. He hasn't brought the accident up in a long time but
obviously he isn't going to forget it any time soon. I feel so tired. I wish I
could go over there right this second and just tell him. Damn the consequences.
Damn my parents. Sometimes I hate them for making me lie the way I do, but I
know why I have to do it. I still hate it.
The fear that they might be hurt because they've hidden me all these years. The
fear that somebody would kill them for what they did. Sometimes it's more than I
can bear. I never talk to anybody about how much all of the lies hurt and how
much I am terrified by all of it. Sometimes I wish they'd never found me.
Sometimes I wish I'd never come here and destroyed so many lives.
I have to get to bed now. I am so tired.
~
10:18a - Lex
I did the deliveries yesterday and got a chance to see Lex. He was asleep on his
desk when I got there. It was pure joy to see him. I had to restrain myself from
just grabbing him and holding him in my arms.
I woke him up so we could talk for a few minutes. It wasn't much of a
conversation but it was great to be near him. He sat far away from me on the
sofa which I took to mean 'hands off.' He was so tired. I wanted to take it away
and make it better.
He told me how much he liked the phone calls. It made me feel so warm inside.
After that I was a little excited. It was hard not to want to just grab him and
hold him in my arms. He looked so vulnerable. I ached to be close to him. I know
I said I was going to leave him alone, since he is with somebody, but when I'm
near him it's so hard to keep to that. I think I did a good job of it yesterday.
Lex actually said that I make love sound simple. I don't know how he can say
that. It's one of the hardest things to understand. For one thing, I know how I
feel about him but I still have these feelings sometimes for Lana. I think
that's just me wishing for a normalcy that I know deep down will never be. I
know she will never feel that way about me but I can't help it.
He said he'd take me Italy one day.
~
10:51p - Tired
I'm so exhausted tonight.
I'm not super anymore. Mom thinks it might have something to do with the
lightning strike. I spent all morning doing chores. I have never known what it's
like to hurt but today I do. I can't imagine being this way all the time! I want
my abilities back! I always wished I was like everybody else but after tonight,
I just want to be me.
Gym class hurt, and after all that, I had to go home to do more chores. They
took almost three hours! I was still doing them when Lex stopped by. It was not
a great visit.
He confronted me about the accident. I was so tired and so unset, that I told
him off. I feel bad about it. Once I went inside I realized that if my abilities
are really gone for good, which mom and dad seem to think is the case, I am just
a guy. There will never be anything special about me again.
I gave him a hammer and told him to hit me with it. I knew he wouldn't do it. I
was just so frustrated and angry at him, at me, at the fact that, right when he
confronts me about this, I actually am telling the truth. I'm just a guy.
Nothing more. Nothing super. So why do I feel like crying? Why do I feel like
when I finally get the one thing I have dreamed about all my life it's nothing
but a nightmare?
I wish I could pick more than one mood because right now I feel so confused,
tired, angry, frustrated, and other things. I need to crash so bad it hurts.
I think I'll take a long hot shower before I go to bed. I'm interested to find
out if jerking off is any different now. I'll think about the fantasy where Lex
comes to me in my own bed and makes love to me right there in my bed. I can
pretend he weakens me and I am totally powerless before him. I love that one.
It's making me hard just writing about it.
I'm back from the shower. It isn't exactly the same. But it still rocks. I wish
I could find out if sex is different. Not that I've done more than receive a
blow job. Which I think about every single night before I go to bed. I will
never forget that. Of course all those times Lex and I did stuff are
unforgettable.
Note to self: When mad just think about sex with Lex. Add horny to mood.
~
11:04p - I give up
I am so tired and even after taking a nap I still feel like I am falling apart.
It took me forever to do my chores. I had to skip out on my friends for two days
now. I have to get home right after class. Speaking of which, I passed out in
class today. It was so embarrassing. I drooled on my notes.
Lex and I had a fight. Sort of. He won't let this one thing alone and last night
he brought it up again. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much but I'm
so confused by all of this. I feel like just giving up. I feel like telling him
everything now since it won't matter anymore. That's the thing, it doesn't
matter. I'm just me and he's never going to accept that.
Mr. K pulled me into his office to tell me that Lex drank himself into a stupor
last night. Like I don't have enough guilt already. It's eating me up inside to
know that he does this to himself. Mr. K said he found Lex lying on the floor of
his office. He had broken a bottle and was sprawled in the glass. I thought for
sure he'd done something to himself, again, like the last time. If he had I
wouldn't have been there to stop him. I don't even want to think about that.
I was so tired I almost passed out over at the mansion. I know what Mr. K said
made sense. I need to think about what to do. If my new condition is permanent I
guess it won't make any difference.
I hate this. I don't think I can stand it much longer. I just know something is
going to explode.
~
8:12p - lost abilities found in Eric.
When I saw Lana today she was wearing her meteor necklace. I never realized how
beautiful the meteor rocks are. I'm usually in agony when I go near them. But
when I saw that necklace I couldn't take my eyes off it. Lana seemed very
understanding about my dorkiness around her. I have to tell her that it had
nothing to do with her. I just need to come up with a believable lie.
That's the only good thing about losing my abilities. No more pain around the
rocks. Of course it also means pain with everything else.
I got to play basketball with other boys today. It was the first time I could do
it and even though Pete and I lost, it was one of the best times I have ever
had. I loved it. I wish it could be this way all the time; if only for the
normalcy.
I think dad is happy I'm not super anymore. I'm not sure if it's because it's
something he knows I have wished for or if it's because it's something he's
wished for. I know deep down that dad hates my alien-ness. I know he loves me
but so many times I can tell he wishes things weren't so hard. Wishes he didn't
have to deal with the weirdness I bring into their lives.
I don't blame him one bit. I hate it too. I wonder how he would feel if I told
him I would give anything to be me again.
~
8:14p - Harden to the reality that dad is not always right.
My parents are the most wonderful people in the world. I know if it wasn't for
them I wouldn't be who I am today. I know that their moral sense is one of the
things that helps to guide me.
There is one thing I do really hate, and that has been bothering me so much
lately. I always put it in the back of my mind because if I think about it I
will have to deal with it and I will have to admit that my dad is wrong. That's
my dad's attitude toward Lex. Whenever I bring up his name, dad gets this look
on his face. I tried to get him to explain it, but whenever I do he just brushes
me off. I hate that on this one thing that matters to me more than anything
else, my dad is so wrong. He can't think that I don't see his opinion of Lex as
bias. I just don't get it.
I try to understand but the truth is plain: dad just hates Lex because of his
last name. He won't bother to know him because then he would have to admit that
an L can be nice and can be a good person worthy of his time.
I know one thing for sure, no matter what dad says I will always make up my own
mind about people. That is one thing dad taught me, and I think I learned the
lesson well. Not perfect but I am learning more every day, from people like Lex.
He's made me open my eyes to so many things. And made me realize that the world
isn't simple no matter how much I wish it was. That is one thing that makes me
love him so much.
~
10:03a - All these years of hiding
I thought I had to hide what I am. I thought I had to be careful. Now here he is
with my abilities and the whole town thinks he's a hero. I am resentful. I can't
help it.
I wish I could go back and change everything. Dad says that people seem fine
with him now. I guess he thinks they'll turn on him.
Chloe seems taken with him. She was all tongue tied when he stopped in the hall
to thank her for writing the article about him. It was so ironic. When I pointed
that maybe Eric needs to be more careful, Chloe turned to me and says that as
soon as I start acting like Eric she would start writing nice things about me. I
think I'd rather not have that happen.
Last night Bruce stopped by. It was so nice to have somebody to talk to about
this and about Lex. I told him I haven't even gotten used to being normal. I
just can't deal with other stuff right now. Even if I was still 'super' I
couldn't deal with what Lex said. I mean I only found out a few months ago that
I am not even human! I hate it! It's not fair. How am I expected to just spill
what I am like that when I can't deal with it? I couldn't handle having to deal
with another person knowing and with still trying to sort it out in my own mind.
I can see what it is about Bruce that attracts Lex. He's just there; a warm soft
presence that doesn't judge and doesn't accuse. I'm glad he knows. Though it
still makes me nervous, it really doesn't matter any more. I am normal now and
as far as I can tell that isn't going to change. I feel like the weight of the
world has been lifted off my shoulders.
Bruce suggested I try to help Eric. My fear is that Eric won't treat what he has
with respect. That he'll be casual about it and I know he can't be that way. He
could hurt people so easily. I never forget all the times that I broke things.
The reason I could never have a dog for a pet. The times that I just forgot my
strength. It's so easy to hurt people. I am sure that I bruised mom and dad a
few times before I finally realized I just can't be too careful.
I gave Bruce a hug last night because he really seemed to need one. I wonder if
Lex is neglecting him. I can admit it here that I think I could easily fall for
Bruce. He's got something. He seems lost and I have to stifle my urge to help
him. Last night I had to stop myself from thinking thoughts I know I shouldn't
have. He's Lex's whatever, but I just couldn't help it. I wanted to get close to
him. I will never tell a single soul
~
5:11p - Hurt and in love
I'm about to go to Lana to ask her for her necklace. I figure Eric has my
weakness since he has my abilities.
I tried to stop him from hurting people, and got my ass kicked. Now I am going
after him and maybe I won't be back. This might be the last time I write in
here.
I ended up in the hospital, and Lex stopped by to see me. I was much nastier to
him than he deserved, but my ribs are cracked and I have a head injury so I
blame that.
I just wasn't in the mood but it was so nice to have him care enough to check on
me. He didn't just stop by and check on me, he kissed me when we went back to
get my things. God, I never wanted it to stop! I wanted him to hold me and take
control forever. I wanted to taste his warm, soft, pliant lips on mine forever.
I just wanted. I've never felt so much desire for anybody in my life.
He stopped it, and I wanted to force him to stay in my arms that way to keep
kissing me.
It was so different. I was hard instantly. I have never felt so wonderful, so
lost, so desperate for time to stand still.
I may never see him again. If I don't come back alive I guess nobody will see
this and nobody will know what I felt. I have to tell Lex how I feel, but I
won't get the chance if I die.
When this is over, I am going over to the mansion and I am telling him I love
him with all my heart. I wish I'd told him at the hospital. Maybe I should leave
a note or send him an e-mail.
~
10:47p - It
I'm back to normal. Well, normal for me at least. Which feels wonderful. No more
being tired and no more pain. Of course it's nice to be me again.
Anyway, as soon as I could I called Lex to see if I could go over to talk. I
need to tell him how I feel so badly. He said he was tired and resting. I know
he's finished whatever business he had with that lady he was with. Maybe I
should go over without calling. I want to see him. I think I will go for a run
later. I haven't been able to in what seems like forever.
I miss him so much. Just hearing his voice for a few minutes makes me miss him
even more. I can't deny it; I am totally in love with him. I think about him so
much.
~
12:51a - Blah!
Lex was too busy to see me again today. So I pretty much did nothing except mope
as my mom said. She and dad did some stuff in town and then came back.
I promised myself I would write in this every single day but I missed Sunday so
here I am writing about how much I miss Lex. I want to type his full name. I
could just post private but what ever.
Totally bored here. Can you tell? Again I say whatever. I thought about calling
Chloe and asking if we could hang like we used to before all this stupidness
happened. I realized I'm not as comfortable around her and Lana as I told her I
would be. It isn't even about them both being girls. It's about me being lonely.
I just can't stand to see them so happy. It's so rude and selfish of me to think
this but I can't help it. I promised another thing once about this journal, I
promised I would be as honest as I could.
I don't want to be near them when they are being all close. I think for now I
will just be in public with them. I don't want to tell them this because then I
will hurt Chloe's feelings more than I know I already have. Sometimes people
think I'm clueless but I'm not. I know things haven't been the greatest between
us. She helps me out when I need it, as long as it's something not personal.
I guess I had more to say than I thought.
~
10:50p - Unbearable
My lies will destroy everything I have ever worked for and everything I have
ever loved.
It would have been better for this world if I had never come here.
~
11:40p - days I just wish would go away
Who cares anymore? Why do I even bother? I had the worst day at school today. It
ticks me off that I can't even talk to Lana without Whitney's friends cornering
me and telling me to back off of her. If they knew what the real truth was...
I would never tell, but I confronted Whitney. I told him to tell his buddies to
leave me alone or I wouldn't be responsible for what happens. He just said sure
and walked away without even bugging me like he usually does.
I went to see Lex since today is delivery day. Either he really was tired or I
bored him to death. He seems so out of it. I wanted to wait until he brought up
the kiss in the hospital but he didn't so I eventually did. He said he needed
it. I grabbed him and kissed him. I don't really care right now if I get
chastised or what ever. He didn't get a chance to kiss back so it really wasn't
a kiss anyway.
I tried to get him to play some pool but he wasn't into it. Then I tried to talk
to him but he just seemed so ... lost. It's weird. I've never seen him this way
before. I think it's my fault. I mean, I know it is.
He told me his dad slept with that woman who stayed with him. The one he was
doing business with. I already knew but hearing it out loud, it just made me
want to hold him forever.
I love him so much. I told him so and then felt bad because I know he has Bruce.
I shouldn't be throwing myself at Lex like that. But I just can't help it.
I am so lost about what to do. Maybe some sleep will help.
I got a call from Lana tonight. She was worried about me. She said she was
afraid she wouldn't see me again. I guess I laid it on pretty thick when I asked
to borrow the necklace. It's nice to know that she cares. She invited me to hang
with her and Chloe tomorrow night. It'll be a nice change of pace.
~
1:16a - ?!?!@#
I just had to tell her. I feel so much better now that Chloe knows about some of
the things I've gone through with Lex. I needed for her to know. I went over to
hang with her and Lana but I didn't' want to go alone so I invited Pete to come
along. Chloe wasn't thrilled but when I explained it to her, she understood
completely. It feels so good to be honest for a change. I just didn't want to
sound like a jerk after I told her it was cool for her and Lana to kiss in front
of me, and now I'm telling her that maybe it's not okay.
I wanted to tell her all about Lex and what has happened between us since the
first day I met him. I wanted to spill my guts, but I probably would have died
of embarrassment on the spot. Since I doubt she would want the details of that
blow job I relive every night.
I itched to called Lex all day today he was so upset yesterday. I just want to
be near him so I can help. How I just don't know.
Almost incoherent right now I am so tired. I think it might have something to do
with the fact that I haven't been sleeping well. I'm so worried about Lex. Is it
dumb to dream that I want to just hold him in my arms?
~
12:03a - Not sure I can take it any more
I noticed Lex hasn't updated his journal in a few days. I know things aren't
great with him. When I went over today to do the deliveries, he wasn't taking
any visitors. Not even me. He's never refused to see me, ever. Even when he's
been to busy to see anybody else he always makes time for me.
When I got home I thought I would check out his journal to see if he'd maybe
written about what was bothering him. It says he made some posts but they are
friends only so I can't see them. I guess they must be pretty bad. I wonder what
would make him post friends locked. He seems to not be afraid to talk about
things that I would lock in private posts.
My mom is calling.
Lex is single again.
~
12:22a - f@*# rocks
I hate those damn rocks! Why it is every time I turn around some jerk is trying
to kill somebody I love? Sometime I just wish I could find every last rock and
bury them in a huge, deep, dark hole.
Jeff came back. Who knows how long he's been in town. He attacked me and he had
meteor rocks on him. How did he figure it out? How could he have known they hurt
me? Only mom and dad know about that.
It was so hard watching him drag Lex away just a few feet from me. The pain from
those fucking rocks - I hate it! Lex was hurt and I couldn't help him.
He's all alone in the mansion now. Bruce stopped by on his way out of town to
let me know Lex is all mine. He asked me to take care of him and to go to him. I
almost abandoned Bruce right there on the spot and ran right over to the
mansion.
After everything that happened tonight Lex probably needs some rest. I want to
run over and just make sure he's fine. Make sure he's still there. Plus now that
Bruce dumped him he must be hurting. Maybe that's what was bugging him all week?
It could have been. He's seemed so lifeless. I think back now on the times I did
see him and I realize something is so wrong with him. I feel so stupid for not
noticing it sooner. He's hurting and I know what I have to do. I have to go see
him tomorrow. And this time, I won't take no for an answer.
I'm going to call Feegan after school and explain to him what I want to do. I
just want to make sure Lex is okay. I need to know that he's okay.
I had to take a shower while I was at the mansion since I got some of that oil
meteor stuff on my skin. It made me sick I thought I would throw up. Luckily
Feegan loaned me new clothes. I lost my favorite shirt, which sucks. Feegan
drove me home since Lex was still too out of it to even talk to me. Feegan
thought I had an allergic reaction to the oil which was so convenient. I am
still feeling a little out of it from the meteor exposure. It was the longest
I've ever been exposed to them. Even after I was away from them, I still felt
ill.
It's weird to know that something here, right next door, right around Lana's
neck, could kill me.
I guess I can die after all.
~
10:47a - dreams suck
Last night I had the weirdest dream.
I think it must have been because of what happened last night. I was sitting in
my loft and Lex stopped by. He sat down beside me and put his hand on my knee
then he told me he wants to be with just me. We start to kiss but then he freaks
out and pushes me away and starts to scream that I am nothing but a liar.
Then I was in the house and mom and dad were telling me that they lied to me
that the ship was a joke and I am not an alien after all.
When I woke up I was floating above my bed again. I crashed as soon as I
realized what was happening.
My dreams suck almost as much as my life.
I really need to go see Lex. As soon as school is out I am running to the
mansion.
~
10:39a - Hate is a four letter word.
God, when Lex said he seems to attract the freaks, it was all I could to not
just run out of the mansion and never look back.
He's bald because of me; he's attacked all the time by those meteor freaks that
are created thanks to those happy little rocks I brought with me when I crashed.
I hate those fucking rocks so much.
Everybody would be so much better off with out them, maybe even without me.
~
11:02a - Never make friends with freak
I suck as a friend and all the proof I need is the way I treated Chloe. I should
have told her all along. The truth is I don't even know why I didn't tell her. I
have thought about it and all the reasons I come up with suck. I suck. I have to
make it up to her somehow. Any suggestions would be more than welcome.
I tried to talk to her yesterday before going over to see Lex. It didn't go
well. I deserved the treatment I got. I know I did. I want so badly to go back
in time and change that one night when she confided in me. I wish I had told
her, but I guess like my dad says; if wishes were horses, or something like
that.
I did manage to see Lex last night. He makes me forget anything is wrong in the
world. He makes me feel like I can do anything.
I was in such a bad mood after the fight with Chloe. I really tried to hide it.
I guess that is another thing I suck at.
It was so good to be near him. I wanted to be in his arms the minute I walked in
the door. The conversation was so hard. I told him that on his way out of town
Bruce stopped by the farm to say good bye and to tell me to go to Lex and to
take care of him. Lex seemed depressed at the thought that BW thought that he
needed to be taken care of at all. He said we both must have a pretty low
opinion of his abilities to fend for himself. I tried to tell him that wasn't
true. I didn't really know what to say.
Then I sort of crawled into his lap. I couldn't help it. I needed him so badly.
I needed the contact so badly, but mostly I needed somebody to show me that I am
worth being.
I don't know what it is but lately I just feel so lost and alone and just hurt
all the time.
I am not going to screw it up this time. I'm going to accept everything he tells
me. I trust him. He's proven himself more times and in more ways than I can
count.
I kissed him and this time it felt so amazing; nobody to stand in our way,
nobody to stop us but us. He asked me what I want so I told him I want us to be
an us again. I want to be with him from now on. Maybe forever. It could happen.
Mom says a good relationship doesn't just happen. You have to work on it. I am
so determined to make it work.
He wants me to give him time and I will. What he doesn't get and what I realized
this morning after I jerked off to thoughts of him is I would wait forever.
I am so screwed. I have to think all of this through and then maybe talk to my
mom about it in a vague sort of what if way.
So now I am going to keep my cool. Stay near him but not in his face and wait
until he's ready for more. He did kiss me back and hold me, so that's a start.
I just hope I've matured enough for both our sakes. I really don't want to hurt
him ever again. I know that is an impossible task. But I am so determined to try
that I think it shows on my face.
~
10:33p - If only tonight I could
Change the things I've done. But we all say that. Instead I am being given a
second chance and I am so grateful for it. I went by to see Lex last night. He's
so amazing. We just sat and held each other. I almost fell asleep in his arms,
but only for a few minutes. I wanted to be aware of everything that happened. I
didn't want to miss out on a thing. He was so beautiful with his eyes closed and
his mouth loose. It seemed to beg me to kiss it. So I did. I crawled onto him
and kissed him and pressed onto him. I was so hard and so anxious.
I already know he wrote about what happened in his journal. I didn't realize he
wanted me to be the one to stop it. I wanted whatever he would give me right
then. I wasn't afraid and I don't know why. I just knew that in my heart I could
trust him to do the right thing. Maybe that's why I said okay when he told me he
wanted me. I would have done anything at that moment to make him happy. I need
it; he needs it.
He asked if I was worried about him hurting me again. I'm way more worried that
I'll hurt him. I'm way more worried that something I say or do will make him
look at me in that wounded way he has. It's so painful to see.
After we decided to take it slow we made popcorn and cuddled while watching a
movie. I didn't even care what the movie was. All I cared about was that we were
together. So for now I will be there for him, and let things take there natural
course.
~
12:12a - Failure isn't an option
I failed Chloe tonight. We were at the mansion to do the interview with Lex and
something happened. These guys came out of nowhere and attacked us. Chloe was
thrown out a window. She fell three stories. I heard her scream but I couldn't
make it in time. I tried. I really did.
I screamed for help and Lex came running. He called an ambulance, and Lex and I
followed her in his car. He dropped me off at the hospital and went back to the
mansion to deal with the police. It turns out he was robbed.
I stayed with Chloe as long as I could. She looked so bad. Her pretty face got
all bruised and it makes me choke up when I imagine it. I called her father as
soon as we made it to the hospital. Lana was over at her place, waiting for her
to come back from the interview. Needless to say she came as fast as she could,
to be by Chloe's side.
Why didn't I save her? She could have died and I would have failed her. Lana is
with her now. I stayed as long as I could. She asked if she should call my mom
and dad to come get me, but I told her to call Lex. I wasn't really thinking
straight. All I could do was stare at Chloe as she lay on the hospital bed and
wish I'd gotten to her in time.
I didn't say much on the ride back to my place. Lex reassured me things would be
okay and dropped me off. I was so grateful that he knew I just didn't want to
talk right then. He knows me so well some times.
~
10:47a - Lex likes to make out like a teenager
Chloe hasn't woken up yet. I am so frantic with worry, What if something really
bad happens to her? What if's ... suck.
I feel like I failed her and that feeling isn't going away no matter how many
people tell me it's not my fault. It hurts to see her all helpless. The thought
that she could have died and I couldn't have saved her.
I am trying to concentrate on other things; like finding the jerks that hurt
her. Lex said he will make sure they are punished when they're caught. For a
second just the way he said it made me worried that he would do something
illegal. He's as upset as I am about what happened I can tell. I just worry that
he might try to take the law into his own hands. He didn't tell the police about
the stuff that they stole. I have to wonder why he wouldn't tell them. I have to
wonder if he's hiding something. In the end though, I trust him to do the right
thing. I feel a little guilty that I even thought these things even if it was
for a second.
Even with all this going on Lex and I managed to find time to 'make out.' I was
pretty surprised but it's as far as he wants to go right now. I guess I'll still
be jerking off for a while yet. I don't mind because it means he has committed
himself to us. I am so excited about that. I know the other night I was ready to
let him do whatever he wanted to me, but I'm grateful he stopped it. I'm not
ready for more so to have him want to take things slow is so romantic, and it
makes me feel very special. If I wasn't somebody he intended to be with for a
long time he would have just dived in and gotten it over with.
I can't get over the fact that he wants to just make out with me. I smile every
time I think about it. I also get hard but then that's not new.
~
9:28p - I need a distraction
I thought this would be a great way to keep track of some sites I found while
researching safe sex. That way I can go back to them and mom won't find them.
I wonder if Lex wants me on top or if he wants me on the bottom. I'm not even
sure I could ask him that without combusting into a big ball of fire. Bottom
looks painful but maybe if I'm on the bottom I won't hurt him. My strength could
be a problem since when I have an orgasm I have to make sure not to grab things.
I've ripped a few sheets that way.
I won't forget what Lex looked like under that guy from a few months ago. I know
what it looks like. I've looked at the pictures. It looks like a strange angle
but I think I would want us to be facing each other.
I wonder if that's what he would like.
~
10:19p - worried
I think I saw one of the guys who robbed the mansion today. I was picking up a
microwave for my mom and while I was trying to talk to Whitney, this rude guy
interrupted us. He had a tattoo on his arm that was green. I'm not sure what to
do about it. I have to investigate.
Chloe is still not awake. I want to find those guys and . . . Well I can't say
it here. Mr. K stopped by to apologize for failing Chloe and me. I tried to tell
him it's not his fault. I hope he doesn't lose his job over it. I mean the guys
appeared out of nowhere. How are you supposed to fight that?
I'm really worried about Chloe so to take my mind off it, I did some research. I
made a private post with links that I don't want my mom or dad to find. It's
amazing what you can find on line. You can find information about almost
everything. I've never done things like put on a condom although one site
suggests you wear one even when you jerk off so the mess is less. I need to get
some supplies, but there is no way I am buying them here in town. I will have to
drive far away.
I know Lex has asked that for now we just take it slow, but I want to be ready
for when he wants to do more. I couldn't figure out what he needed me to do
since he had to spell it out for me. I kind of feel like a dope not knowing, but
I guess I figured since he's older and knows more and has done it he
would know what to do. I want to wait to ask him about it. I know eventually we
will have to have the safe sex talk. My parents already talked to me about
condoms and that kind of stuff. I still have the condoms they gave me a while
back. It's not like I've had any chances to use them.
Who knows when I will? It's weird because I know I can wait but at the same time
it drives me nuts to be near him. He's so sexy. You have no idea. When he walks
he does this thing with his hips that make me want to grab and just do things
I've never even thought about before.
~
11:17p - challenges
Chloe is awake. I was so happy to see her awake, and as plucky as ever. I told
her I was so sorry for letting her get hurt, and like everybody else, she told
me it wasn't my fault. She told me the guy who grabbed her has a tattoo. The guy
I saw has one. I looked into it and discovered that Whitney's new friend is a
failed athlete.
I was afraid something bad would happen so I called Lana and told her what her
'boyfriend' wouldn't. He lost his scholarship and didn't tell her. He's really
being a jerk. I get that he feels trapped, I feel trapped too sometimes.
Especially with this town being what it is. I just wish for Lana's sake he would
treat her better. Let her know what's happening to him. I know I would treat her
so much better if she was my girlfriend. Not that I want to go there at all
anymore.
I noticed when I saw him today he had a tattoo. I'm really worried.
So Lana talked to Lex about not tearing down the Talon since he bought the old
theatre that Lana's aunt used to own. It's a nice place but it really needs to
be fixed up. She told me he shot her down, which doesn't surprise me. I mean
he's a business man. I thought maybe I would talk to him about it, see what he
has in mind. I know he was just trying to challenge her since he does that a
lot. It's one of the things I love about him. He's been challenging me since the
first time we met.
I want to go see him. I used to just run there late at night but I haven't done
that for a long time. If we weren't taking things slow I would run there right
now. But it's late and he's probably asleep by now.
~
11:58p - huh?!
My angel, on the other hand, knows how to convince me of things. And, you
know, I suspect that he knows that he has that power. That ought to bother me, I
suppose, but it doesn't. Strangely, I find myself rather proud of him.
I have no idea why he would say this. I've never convinced him of anything. Have
I? I mean, I've asked him for help. I was thinking of asking him to help out
Lana with the Talon. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just let her do it on her
own.
He thinks about my age. I think about his too. He's older has done more has been
places. I've never even left Smallville unless you count the fact that I was
hurtled through the galaxy in a space ship. Sometimes when I'm around him I feel
awkward, but then he talks to me like I'm his equal and I feel special. He's
everything I want.
~
8:18p - Meh!
I felt the effects of the meteor rocks again when I was near the guys. It
freaking hurt. Stupid Rocks. I'm pretty sure they could kill me if I stay in
contact with them for too long. I wish I could get out of this town.
~
8:20p - What to do.
I'm not sure what to do. Whitney is in bad with those guys. They tried to hurt
Lex tonight. I stepped in just in time, but I was so surprised to see Whitney
there. I just can't believe he'd do this. Lex said that if Whitney had anything
to do with the break-in then that's his fault and he'd have to be dealt with. I
agree, but I don't think Whitney did. I don't believe that he would hurt anybody
intentionally.
Those guys were going to hurt Lex. He said they blackmailed him, and he was
trying to deal with them in his own way. It's funny at one point he asked if I
was wondering if my dad was right about him, but the truth is I was wondering if
he was going to be okay. I don't care why he did it, I was worried that these
guys were going to hurt him or worse kill him. I don't think I could stand that.
It's so weird with Whitney. I've never met anybody who hates me so much. At
first I thought it was over the whole Lana thing, but now I think it's more than
that. I'm not sure what. He has everything. So what if he suffered a setback.
Everybody does. I know all about setbacks. He seems so bitter. I understand
bitterness.
Whitney has always been somebody who hardly ever paid attention to me until that
night when I had a talk with his girlfriend. That's what led to the scarecrow
thing. I still think about that every once in a while. The words they teased me
with, the words Whitney teased me with. He called me a loser and a suck-up. One
of the other guys called me a fag, and I remember Whitney sneering at that.
Now it seems even sillier. Lana isn't even his girlfriend. That crack I made to
him about not being able to keep her was way out of line. I don't usually do
that. I wish I could take it back.
I made a promise. I told Lana I would deal with Whitney, and I know Lex will
follow through with making him pay, but I'm going to do whatever I can to make
sure Whitney doesn't get in any more trouble. Whitney's not a bad guy, he's just
feeling a little lost right now. I thought a lot about why I told Lana I'd help.
I know it's mostly so she won't have to worry about him. Even if they aren't
dating, she still cares about Whitney. It's in her eyes when she talks about
him.
I understand since I still care about her.
I might talk to her about this. I know she really has something serious with
Chloe. Maybe Lana's not admitting how much she still cares about Whitney.
Lex drove me back to the truck after I stopped those guys from hurting him. I
was so afraid they'd hurt him badly, but he seemed fine. We made out in the car
before he dropped me off. It was so nice. I felt like taking him home with me so
nobody could hurt him again. I felt like climbing into his lap and staying
there. I know he probably would have let me.
He let me pull his shirt up and get underneath so I could touch skin. He didn't
complain when I licked his nipples. It felt amazing. I think he mumbled
something about second base, which is so cute. I'd never say that out loud of
course.
It was nice to touch and have permission. It felt so illicit, and the fact that
somebody could have caught us made my heart pound in my chest. There was a very
tiny chance of that mind you, since the streets are dead after eight.
I've never felt so anxious to touch, and to be with him before. It was like no
matter how much I kissed; no matter how much I touched it wasn't enough to
satisfy.
~
8:12p - Pain sucks
I am not surprised that Chloe figured out how the guys were pulling off their
walking though walls trick. She's always been so good at these things.
We caught the guys who hurt Chloe which made me so happy. Whitney is fine too.
He told Lana everything and she called me. We went to get Lex's thing back that
the guys took, since I knew it was important to him. When Whitney told me the
guys were planning on killing Lex I almost flipped. I was right about them
trying to do worse. It really bothers me that people always seem to want to hurt
him.
But everything is okay now and Lex is safe. I'll have to thank Whitney for
having the courage to step forward with what he did. He really screwed up but he
was willing to take responsibility for what he did. I hope he can work through
his problems.
The coolest part was Lex coming to our rescue for a change. I though for sure I
was in way more trouble than I'd ever been in before. Here Whitney and I were
trapped by these guys. One of them actually shoved his arm in my chest. It
sounds weird but that's what happened. Something in the tattoo ink made them
able to walk through things. It really hurt. A lot!
~
8:59p - making out in a Porsche
Two days in a row now I have managed to get Lex to make out in his car. I have
to say, a Porsche is not the best car to make out in.
I stuck to all his rules; no clothes off, just touching over clothes and lots of
rubbing. I felt brave so I touched him on the leg as he was driving. When my
hand moved down to his cock, he decided it was safer to pull over so we could
continue our activity.
I made him come in his pants. He seemed pretty happy about it. I read about
things you can do to somebody. Things like rubbing them in certain spots. I
managed to get his shirt open. We kissed for a long time. I think I must be
getting better at it. I'm learning what he likes, and it's so much fun. I love
to touch him, to kiss him, to do all these intimate things without taking our
clothes off.
~
9:15p - yumm!!
Talk about instant hard on. I just tried to write a post the way Lex would about
sex but I'm pretty sure it's nothing like Lex's sexy posts. They are just the
most awesome. Like this from his last post -
Now I've fucked in a car. Been fucked on one. But this is totally
different, tender and tangible and so hot it makes me giddy. Hotter still for
keeping it so innocent.
Not that I'd mind him fucking me on the hood of my car.
I don't think I could type that word, in quite that way. I feel dirty just
thinking it in my head. He wants me to be on top. Although I personally don't
really want to do that on the hood of a car. I would rather have it be in a bed.
Something romantic. With soft sheets and low light. I feel so silly thinking
this about him. He's a guy and on top of that he's obviously had way more
experienced lovers. Like Bruce. He knows what to do to make Lex happy in bed.
I have to learn what to do for him. This is really making me hard. I think about
Lex and I get hard. It's real embarrassing since it happens when ever. Even at
the coffee shop. At school, at the dinner table the other night.
I got to practice pinching his nipples. Since I am so strong, I need to figure
out how much pressure to use. I think I did okay. He moaned a lot but never
yelled that it was too hard. I want to practice that some more.
~
9:00p - He let her have the Talon
He actually said yes to Lana's plan. I'm so happy for Lana. She really wants
this. I plan on helping her get the place ready over the next few weeks.
In the best news of the day, Chloe has finally been released from the hospital.
She's doing much better; back to her old self. It was so cute to see her all
gung-ho to get back into reporter mode. I saw the look Lana gave her as we stood
outside the Talon. It was really adorable, although I sensed something when
Chloe asked about Whitney. She seemed nervous or something not sure what it was.
In not so good news, Lex fired Mr. K. which totally sucks since he's a cool guy,
and I mean those guys who robbed the mansion could walk through the
walls. They could go through pretty much anything including my chest. Which I
didn't really go into detail about since it sounds real gross. It was totally
gross. So I can't see why Lex would fire him when no matter who was on duty the
robbers would have gotten in.
I'm going to talk to Lex about this. I just think it's so unfair. Plus I was
making a friend of Mr. K. He's so nice. I should have asked him for his number.
I like how he can talk on my level and never once condescend to me, even when he
talked to me about serious things: the most serious being Lex. I haven't had a
chance to try out some of those cool things he suggested. I might go over after
I take a shower. I've been in the field all day setting fence posts and I stink.
I need a major shower, which I guess is the same as a normal shower.
I'm off to shower first, and then I'm going to the loft. The stars are really
nice tonight. From there I plan on calling Lex to see if he's too busy to play a
friendly game of pool. :
~
9:12a - sigh
Last night I went by the mansion. Lex was relaxing by the fire. We decided to
have a quiet evening. It was so nice, and no pressure at all. We talked quietly
about silly things that I would have thought were boring to him. He told me I
needed to be more careful in the future. It turns out he saw that guy shove his
arm in my chest. It must have been real frightening to see that. But Lex just
casually asked that I be more careful and kissed me so gently I felt so loved.
It was the most wonderful feeling in the world.
I called him my hero because he is. He's already saved me a few times now, and
nobody else ever has. It feels great. I already said that. I guess I feel like
saying it over and over again. :)
I explored his neck and the whole time we never once removed clothing, nor did I
venture under his shirt. I just wanted it to be sweet and wonderful.
I only have to wonder how long he'll be satisfied with just this before he wants
and demands more. I realize I'm just not ready for more right now. I want to
have 'the talk' with him but I am way too embarrassed to bring it up. Like he
said, there is plenty of time. Oh and I blushed so hard when I asked if we're
officially dating. He said sure so I called him my boyfriend. I have to admit,
it will be nice to be able to talk in front of Lana and Chloe about my
boyfriend.
I have so much work to do today. I am not going to be a farmer when I grow up.
Dad is yelling at me to get my lazy butt out of bed.
~
9:23a - darn
Sometimes I am so happy about things and then reality comes crashing down on me.
If I can't tell Lex the truth about my heritage, at this point I am so
terrified, I don't know how I'll do it, how will we ever be able to have a
lasting relationship like the one my mom and dad have?
This is only going to end badly if I can't tell him.
He said in his journal that he wants more but that he can wait. I hope that's
true. I realized last night that I am really enjoying this slow pace he's asked
for. I'm going to tell him that point blank today.
That is at least one thing I can be truthful with him on. It makes me feel so
much better knowing this. He also said he's so glad I gave him a second chance.
I can't believe Lex Luthor, one of the richest men in the country, wants me. A
poor farmer nobody.
~
1:37a - normal farm day
And really I am so glad. I needed a normal day just to relax and be me.
I called Mr. K on the cell phone number he gave me. I think Lex's dad answered.
I was very glad he handed the phone over to Mr. K fast. I invited Mr. K over for
dinner. Mom told me I could when I asked. I want to get to know him better. He
seems like such a nice guy and I was hoping to see if I could figure out if he's
into guys. I can't tell. I don't really know what to look for.
Mr. K said he's still working for L the company that hired him. He also said
he's working close with Lex's dad. I'm glad he got another job. I was worried
that he would be in trouble.
I didn't get to see Lex today but that's cool. I thought about him all day. He's
so wonderful. The kind things he says to me; about me. I just can't believe he
feels that way about me.
I am so glad he thinks we have a chance this time around.
More later, need to run off the Froot Loops I ate.
~
11:59p - So busy today
And for the rest of the week. I just got back from the mansion. I was so happy
to see Lex. He looked great. We met up at the Talon, which is the place he gave
Lana to fix up as a coffee house. Lana, Chloe, Pete and I went there after
classes and cleaned up a bit, looked around and assessed the work load. Of
course Pete and I did all the heavy lifting.
Lex picked me up and we went back to the mansion to 'make out' and other things.
I talked to him about Mr. K, but it didn't go well. He doesn't like Mr. K. I
didn't realize this. I kept it to myself that Mr. K is going to be coming over
for dinner on Wednesday. I mean I can have who ever I want as a friend, right?
I wonder if he knows Mr. K is now working closely with his father.
So Lex and I ended up making out again on the sofa which was awesome. He is the
most amazing kisser, and he has this mouth that makes me blush when he licks it.
I had to change my shorts (kid you not) he was so hot. Oh and he looks so yummy
in a suit. I tried a few things even though we were fully clothed the whole
time. I wasn't able to control myself for long. It took an embarrassingly short
time for me to come.
He liked the things I did to him so now I have a catalogue in my brain about
what he likes.
Tonight his kisses where very passionate, and very aggressive. I wonder if it's
because we had just talked about Mr. K. He told me I should be careful or he
might start getting jealous. I liked the aggressive kissing. I found, though,
that I have to concentrate more; be more careful. This is great because I need
the practice. I had to resist the urge to just kiss him until his lips were
bruised. He gets me so excited. I have never felt this way near anybody else
before. So out of control; so aware, so desperate to touch and be touched.
When he pushed me into the sofa and climbed on me I went crazy. I wanted to rip
his clothes off and just do things to him. I don't even know what but I'm sure
Lex could have shown me. I have a neck thing for sure. When he kissed me there I
almost threw us off the sofa. He even bit me lightly on the neck. Yummy.
I love it when he takes control. I want him to take control. I didn't really
know this about myself until now. I suspected it, but wow, he proved it to me.
~
7:32a - Up and around
I had to get up really early to finish fixing a fence in the far field for dad.
I thought I would get some thoughts down while I waited for breakfast.
I spent most of yesterday afternoon helping out at the Talon. That place needs a
good cleaning. I can help for a little while today but then I have to get home,
do the deliveries, and help mom with dinner. I told her I'd help since Mr. K is
my guest. I've really only had my friend Pete over for dinner before so this is
something knew.
I really wish I could easily invite Lex. If it wouldn't make my dad suspicious,
if it wouldn't trigger mom's alarms, if my dad didn't have the attitude he has,
(which grates like you wouldn't believe. Half the time I have to just walk away
and pound something into the ground before I give something away that would get
both of us into trouble. I want to scream it to the sky what I know about Lex. I
want the whole world to know that he is the best thing ever. I could go on and
on. )
I had a talk with Lana about Whitney. I'm worried about that whole situation. I
don't want any of the people involved to get hurt. I mean there is Chloe to
consider. I know they are committed to each other but still somebody is going to
be hurt badly, I can just tell.
In turn, Lana asked me about Lex and what is happening over there. I realized
that I hadn't actually come out and said to anybody that Lex and I are dating.
It sounds so strange to say out loud. I mean he's so mature compared to me and
on top of that he runs a business that employs half the town.
She also asked if his intentions are good intentions. I have no doubt in my mind
that we are going to make it work this time around. My mom always says that you
have to work hard to make a good relationship a success. I plan on working as
hard as I can, which is not to say I won't make mistakes along the way. I known
I will. I'll even bet right now that I will make the most mistakes out of the
two of us.
Maybe if I hurry I will actually catch the bus to school. Mom's calling me to
breakfast. It smells great. I think she made pancakes.
~
8:56p - Trust
Trust issues. When he finds out I've been lying to him all along about the
accident, about what I am, he'll hate me forever.
I am so afraid to tell him. Most of the times, I just don't think about it. I
pretend I'm just a normal human boy and that there isn't anything weird about
me. But then something happens, like I get anxious and grab Lex's arm too hard.
Ever since I discovered I had strength above normal I've wanted nothing more
than to be just a guy. I am so scared that one day I'll hurt Lex badly. Most of
the times, I keep my hands to myself.
I probably bruised his arm.
~
9:09p - Lex is so awesome
I'll tell you why.
Dinner went well considering Mr. K actually brought a bottle of wine that was
sent by Lex's dad. Of course my father wouldn't touch it. My mom was much more
polite. She had a glass. I didn't ask for any, because I knew mom and dad would
say no.
Mr. K is a really nice guy. He's very personable and seemed right at home with
my parents. Dad smiled and warmed up to him when he heard that he was no longer
working for Lex. I nudged him under the table to signal he shouldn't tell dad
where he's working now.
After dessert I showed him my telescope in the loft. There was a little meteor
shower to show him and he seemed impressed. I'm sure he was just being polite.
As we talked, Lex showed up. I was confused as to why he had stopped by since I
didn't expect him. At first he seemed really mad and made accusations about what
was happening. He was furious with Mr. K but I managed to convince him to stay.
He almost left. I'm still not sure what happened. I think he thought his father
had set things up but there was nothing set up. I invited Mr. K over.
I wasn't mad that he was jealous. I was mostly just confused. I don't like
playing games since I have no idea how to. I'm pretty much a 'what you see is
what you get guy.' I hate leading people on, but I can get confused about what
the right thing to do should be. I'm sure I didn't lead Mr. K on and I know he
didn't have an ulterior motive. No matter what either of us said, Lex wouldn't
believe it so Mr. K left us alone to talk it out.
We talked and everything is fine. He stayed for a while after to 'make out'
which was nice and sort of made my heart pound in my chest because the fact that
my mom and dad where just in the house was terrifying.
I told him that whatever he wants I'll do. I want him to feel comfortable and
safe and know that I am never going to hurt him. He just doesn't do trust well.
He didn't out rightly forbid me to stop being Mr. K's friend. He would never do
that.
~
9:52a - Hmmm
My mom is the best. She always makes me feel better about anything no matter
what it is. She talked to me about some things last night that are related to my
fears about hurting Lex. She told me she trusted that I would never hurt him. I
know I never would deliberately, but what if it's an accident? I can't help but
remember all the reasons while I was growing up why I had to keep my hands to
myself. If I think about it too much, I start to feel sick.
Last night made me do a lot of thinking. I called Mr. K because all the things
Lex insinuated were bugging me. I needed to know that he hadn't actually used me
like that. Mr. K reassured me that he would never hurt me or Lex on purpose. He
isn't into games, and refuses to play them. I was so glad to hear that. It was
really bugging me.
I really think he cares about Lex's wellbeing. The only thing that bothers me
but of course this is not my business to ask or even think about (the thought
made my brain explode) is what exactly Mr. K does for Mr. Big (Lex's dad). Lex
implied that it was something of a (I can't even type it. The thought is just
too gross. I mean the guy is my boyfriend's dad).
Okay, now that my brain has gone there twice in one day it's time to stop.
I want Lex to feel safe with me, with us. I want him never to have to feel like
he has to question my trust. I love him so much it hurt to think that he's grown
up never able to count on anybody enough. He said it was his baggage but it's
mine too. I gladly take it on. I mean I love all of him, but I guess this is the
part where we look under the hood and see what the world has done to us. I have
things that maybe he has no clue about. I know they will be revealed over time.
I love the idea that we will learn about each other over time like this. It's a
wonderful thought. Especially since nobody I have ever know has ever wanted to
know me this way.
~
11:48a - He's going away
I spent yesterday working my heart out. I don't mind at all. I love to have
something to keep my mind off things. Although being a jack for dad can be a
little demeaning. I still like to be useful since I am the only one who can lift
the tractor.
So Lex is going away for the weekend, which totally sucks since I was going to
ask if we could do something real romantic. I invited him to come by the Talon
today and asked him to dress down. In his LJ he just posted that he will wear
jeans! I have never seen him in anything else but dress clothes, not that he
doesn't look hot in those. I love how he looks no matter what he wears.
I also love how he writes about wanting to touch me and be close to me and do
things to me. I think when I get up the nerve I will ask what some of those
things are. He replied to my comment with this
With my angel, I trust him implicitly. I know that in some ways he is a
more private person than one would suspect at first. I don't need him to tell me
everything. I was just...caught up in my father's game, and not seeing things
from the right perspective. My angel and I, that's what matters.
It makes me feel so much better knowing that he doesn't mind me not telling him
everything.
I mean I could just see it 'by the way Lex I'm from outer space. Hope you don't
mind.'
My stomach just flipped even writing that, and not in a good way.
Even though thinking about this let alone writing about it terrifies me, it
feels good to be able to get things off my chest.
~
10:36p - Caught in the act
Well, now I know what being caught making out feels like. Today Lex stopped by
the Talon dressed down in what was probably a very expensive pair of jeans. They
looked amazing on him. I wasn't alone of course since I was there to help Lana
and Chloe, whose arm is healing nicely, with more of the heavy work.
I wanted to show him how much we've already done since he gave her the green
light. He seemed impressed. When I was sure we were alone, I pulled him aside
and started a make out session. I felt just like at my parents; my heart was
pounding and my body tingled all over. It was amazing.
Lex got his legs around my waist and had his hands in my hair when we heard a
crashing behind us. I almost dropped him when I realized that somebody else was
in the room with us. I turned around with Lex sort of behind me, to find that
Chloe has walked in on us.
It seems so funny now but when I was there it was mortifying. I had no idea what
to do or say. Lex did. I followed him out to the main area where Chloe and Lana
were obviously talking about us. I didn't really say much except to confirm that
Lex and I are officially dating. Chloe seemed angry though I'm really not sure
why. Some times I can't figure her out.
After a few words were exchanged, Lex and I left.
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
12:08a - Yuck!
I spent most of today over at the coffee shop helping Lana move some heavy
things. Lana asked me to help clear some of the junk in this apartment on the
second floor. She wants to surprise Chloe. I think it's cute that Lana is making
a love nest for them.
Chloe showed up late in the afternoon so I had to stop clearing out the room and
come down. Lana just made up something about a utility closet. Chloe gave me
only one suspicious look and then things seemed fine.
Lana spent most of the time making sure Chloe didn't do anything at all, since
her arm is still healing, which was fine since I had no trouble doing the work.
They are really cute together. Of course seeing them together only reminded me
that Lex is out of town. I really miss him. He's been gone too long. I want him
back.
Okay, so I am pouting. So he's only been gone for a few days. Lana kind of
noticed that I was all 'mopey' as she put it. This is the first time I've ever
dated so I had no idea how I would feel about him being gone. I have to get used
to it since he is a business man, but it still sucks.
I'm in a crummy mood tonight for more reasons than that. When I tried to call my
friend Pete, he totally brushed me off and made up what I knew was a lame excuse
for not wanting to hang out.
Way worse is the fact that dad is in a bad mood, too. My dad has a little bit of
a temper and sometimes he flies off the handle easy. He'd never taken it out on
us, but for some reason he is not in a happy place right now. When I asked what
was up and if I could help he just told me it was none of my concern. I can wait
for him to talk to me so I don't mind if he brushes me off. I just hope he and
mom didn't have a fight. Mom's not talking so I have no idea.
~
12:10a - Another day in small town
I went straight to the Talon after class today since I promised Lana I would
help her some more. I dragged Pete along so that we could at least spend some
time together. He rushed off as soon as he could. I haven't asked him yet what's
wrong. I'm hoping he'll tell me in time.
Mom did the deliveries today since Lana needed me. Not much really happening to
me. School, work, chores etc.
It's strange. I can't remember ever missing somebody as much as I miss Lex. When
he went away at Christmas I missed him but that was different, back then he
wasn't my boyfriend. It's so cool to call him that. Every time I type it I get
this thrill.
I think when he gets back I'll invite him over to just hang out, or do something
nice. I'm not sure what. It's too cold to do stargazing but maybe we could do
something else. I'll have to think something up.
He said he'd be back some time tomorrow. This time I didn't call him every day
since our situation is way different. I have some homework to do before I get to
bed.
Ooh but cherry pie for dessert. So that's good.
~
12:08a - Love and the truth
He told me he's in love with me. IN love: not just loves me but is in love with
me. Me, a poor nobody from nowhere. I can't even verbalize how this makes me
feel. I'm at a loss.
I told him I'm pretty sure I feel the same way. I just don't know how to tell. I
had a crush on Lana all while growing up. That was one-sided. I never knew what
it was like to have somebody return the feelings. It's so different. I feel
overwhelmed. I tried to tell him what knowing him means to me. I hear his name
and my heart speeds up. I see him and I want the rest of the world to go away so
I can hold him in my arms.
I went to Metropolis earlier in the day to talk to Mr. K about last Wednesday. I
wasn't sure what I was going to say to him, but I had to do something. It's been
bothering me all week. We had a nice talk and then went for a coffee. He's a
really nice guy. I found out his dad died when he was young. We talked about Lex
and the relationship he has with his father. No matter how hard I try I just
don't get it.
I got up the nerve to ask if he likes guys and he said yes. Then I asked what
sex was like with a guy. It was so stupid. I wish I hadn't asked. I excused
myself after that. He dropped me off the bus stop and I checked my cell to see
if anybody had called. That was when I saw the call from Lex.
I told Lex what I did and he seemed not so much upset as saddened. He told me he
wishes I would believe him over Mr. K. I mean Mr. K has told me he didn't set me
up. Lex thinks otherwise. I don't know what to think. I'm confused. I know Mr. K
works for Lex's dad and for Lex this makes him untrustworthy. But everything in
me tells me Mr. K is trustworthy.
I think I did something wrong tonight. I asked Lex if he wants me to stop
talking to Mr. K. He said it wasn't that. I don't know what it was. I asked if
it was jealousy but he said no. I felt so clueless. I felt lost and way out of
my league.
What if he sends me away because of that? He could decide it's not worth it;
that I'm not worth it.
~
10:53a - wondering
Maybe I shouldn't have asked Mr. K to talk to Mr. Big about Lex. I look back and
I can't even believe I did it. I asked if he could maybe talk to Lex's dad about
not being so mean to his son.
Lex is right. I am so naive. I just have all this hope that people will always
make the right choice that they are, deep down inside, really not mean and
hurtful.
I like to always believe the best in people.
Is it naive of me to think that maybe he might listen?
I really need help with this one. I feel so out of my league and so out of my
depth. And scared.
~
12:52a - I'm going on a trip
This has been a hard day. At least emotionally it has for me. I don't really
know how to take this. Bruce called mom today. He asked her if it would be all
right for me to go to his hometown with Lex. Somehow he managed to convince mom
that it's a good idea. Of course she just spent the last hour drilling the rules
into my head.
She also called Lex and talked to him about the rules. Which aren't bad, just
standard things like: in bed by midnight, call every day, no alcohol, and if I
am going to stay out late, I have to call her to let her know why. That's not
too bad. I'm still in shock that she's letting me go at all. She even got dad to
agree. She said we can trust Bruce and it would be good for me to get away and
go somewhere else.
I wonder if Lex is really going to take me to museums and stuff like he told my
mom. That wouldn't be too bad I guess.
I haven't answered the comments but I promise I will. Thank you for the advice.
It was very good advice. I did the deliveries today and walked into Lex's office
while he was on the phone with Mr. K. They were talking about me. I can't
believe Mr. K actually told Lex about what I asked him to do. I was going to
tell Lex about it today, but Mr. K beat me to it. I felt so out of my depth,
like I said, but I understand now what Lex was trying to say. I get that he
knows what he's dealing with when it comes to his dad. He doesn't want me stuck
in the middle of something.
I want to do something to make things easier for Lex. I want him to be happy. I
wish I could. I just feel so helpless in this. It really annoys me when I tell
him how special he is to me and he puts himself down. He acts like he's not
worth it. He's the one with everything to offer. He could have anybody, anything
but he wants me. That's at once exhilarating and terrifying.
I guess Mr. K is stuck in the middle of something. I mean he's right there in
the lion's den . . . My dad really doesn't like Lex's dad. I've never really
been able to get it out of him why. He just says things about the plant
poisoning the water and soil and then changes the subject.
So suddenly I am going to a big city for the week end, and things between Lex
and me seem different. I understand something about him that I didn't before. My
head hurts. This is so much to take in all at once.
My dad kept staring at me over dinner. He didn't say anything but . . . anyway,
I just left it alone. If he wants to say something to me, he will.
~
11:17p - Not much happened in this neck of the woods.
But the weirdest thing happened today. I was in the school parking lot and I saw
Mr. K. When I waved him down he looked at me and drove off without stopping. I
could have sworn he saw me, but I guess he didn't because if he had he would
have stopped to say hi. I tried to call him but his phone went straight to voice
mail. I didn't want to leave a message since what I wanted to say can't be said
in a message. I was hoping I could ask him to forget about talking to Mr. Big,
but I guess it's too late. He might have already told him by now.
Pete brushed me off to hang out with the football crowd. I was so thrown by it I
didn't say anything. I just walked away.
Everybody seems to be so busy lately. I know Lana has been busy dealing with the
contractors and Chloe seems busy with the paper. Not really a surprise there.
Dad and mom have been quiet and dad gave me extra work today. At one point he
stopped and asked me about Lex. He asked where we'd be staying in the city when
we went away. I told him it was fine since Mr. W would be there. I don't think
dad suspects anything. I don't even think he could even conceive of it. My dad
doesn't think that way.
~
8:53p - Flying is not as bad as I thought it would be
The plane ride was brief thank goodness. Lex told me why we're going. He's
worried about Bruce. Something is wrong. He just wanted me to be alert but I
think I would like to help out see if maybe he'll talk to me. He's a nice guy
and I want to whatever I can.
Mom saw me off at home. Dad looked unhappy about it but he also told me to be
careful so I guess he's okay with it. She looked nervous but she packed my
suitcase so I guess she's totally okay with all this as well. I called her as
soon as I arrived at the estate. This place is huge and the room I was put in is
bigger than the barn. My bed is bigger than my room at home. On top of that the
room is attached to a bathroom and sitting room that I share with Lex. He's in
the shower right now. I am so trying not to peek. And it would be so
easy.
I unpacked and found something. Since my mom packed for me I didn't know what
she'd packed. She included condoms! I almost fell over. The thought that she
actually wants something to happen passed my mind for a second until I realized
that it doesn't necessarily have to mean that. When I talked to her on the phone
she said she doesn't want it to happen she just wants to know that I would be
safe in case it did happen. I told her it isn't going to happen. I am not in a
hurry to get there. She was very relieved.
I can't believe how tired I am. I don't usually get tired. I still have to
shower and change. My mom packed enough underwear for a week, a few pairs of
blue jeans, six t-shirts - 3 red, 2 white and 1 blue. She even remembered my
favorite blue flannel shirt. Plus socks for a week, all white except one pair of
light brown. She even packed a pair of dark blue dress pants, a nice light blue
dress shirt, my brown jacket and a tie. She thought of everything. I would have
just thrown some shirts and stuff in the suitcase. I remembered my laptop
though. That way I can still post and do homework.
~
10:20p - Mom left a note with the condoms.
I keep it in my pants pockets to remind me that she has put a lot of trust in
me. Lex is so hot. He's more relaxed than I have ever seen him.
Mom's note -
"I don't think you're ready, but if you think you are, I want you to be
safe. Dad doesn't know."
I passed out last night while we watched some TV. I found out today that he
watched me sleep. I hope I didn't drool or something.
The day was so great but that was not the best thing that happened. The best
thing that happened was Lex said I LOVE YOU. Not that other thing he
says. That is cool too, but I LOVE YOU.
We went to Bruce's closet to find something for me to wear for tomorrow (we're
going to see a Shakespeare play so I need something nice to wear). I waited all
day to touch him. I leaned in, from behind, while he was trying to tell me what
a gentleman should wear to the theatre and just smelled him without touching
him. Then he leaned back into me. It was so amazingly hot. Just that one touch
turned me on.
We started to make out right there in the closet and then something hit me. My
mom knows. She knows about Lex and me. Okay so I'm slow. She packed condoms with
that nice note. I showed the note to Lex. And told him I am not ready for
something more. He understood and when I looked into his eyes and saw
understanding and love I pulled him into a hug and I didn't want to let go. I
wanted that moment to last forever.
I called mom and told her about my day. I told her that I am not ready to have
sex just yet. She said she was relieved to hear that again. I didn't tell her
about me dating Lex. I think that is something I should tell her in person.
This city is way different than I thought it would be. It was a gray day so
maybe that had something to do with it. We did so much. First Lex took me around
town and then we met Bruce for lunch at this nice diner. We went to a museum
after and had dinner in Chinatown. It was very interesting since all of it was
new to me. I didn't really like this sauce that we had but I pretended I did. I
don't like to be rude.
Tomorrow we're going to see a matinee of A Midsummer Night's Dream. I asked for
a copy of the play. I'm going to read it tonight. That way I have some idea
about what to expect. I've only ever seen plays in school.
Lex went off to talk to our host. I think maybe I'll take a look around this
place. It's so big and Bruce said I could go anywhere I want. He told me there
are rooms full of books. I think I'll head to the kitchen and check it out.
Maybe after I read this play I can find something cool to read.
~
11:58p - We all have secrets
I just ran into Bruce and Lex in the hallway on my way back from snooping and
getting a drink. before that I looked around this place. It's huge. I got lost
and had to use my x-ray vision to find my way. There are these weird caves under
the manor. I have no idea what that's about.
I did see this real cool car though. I wonder if Bruce would let me drive it.
I know I interrupted something. I didn't mean to since Lex had told me he needed
to find out what was bothering Bruce. I told Lex I needed to get something from
the kitchen and followed Bruce to see if I could help Lex figure out what was
wrong. I thought maybe Bruce would talk to me. He didn't really talk much except
to say he has a secret and that I would understand. I just told him that if he
needed my special abilities for anything I would help him. He said he would come
to me if there was something he thought I could do.
Lex is asleep in his room now, I guess. I can't sleep. I feel so jumpy and
restless. I wish I could go to him but I just told him earlier that I'm not
ready for sex. Which is true. I just want cuddles.
I'm worried about Lex. I know he's concerned about Bruce but how do I tell Lex
to stop prying without raising his suspicions?
All these secrets. I wish I could just march into Lex's room right now and just
tell him. I wish I was brave enough. I know I'm not. I just can't lose him, not
now. Not when I finally have him. I'll tell him eventually. Maybe.
I had a nightmare about this. In it Lex found out and he hated me and told me he
would never let me rest until the world knew about me.
This totally sucks.
~
9:22a - Homesick
I just called mom to let her know everything is cool. Actually I just wanted to
hear her voice. I miss her and dad. I miss waking up early and doing chores,
which is dumb since I've only been gone a day. I told her about us going to see
A Midsummer Night's Dream today. I didn't finish the book. It was kind of boring
and I fell asleep. I'll finish it before breakfast.
I had a nightmare again last night. In it I was looking for Lex and when I found
him he gave me this disgusted look and told me that I am a freak and that he
would destroy me for being different. I've been having this dream for a while
now. It usually ends with him walking away from me and when I try to explain he
screams that nothing I say will change his mind.
I think I hear some sounds in the bathroom. I used it a half hour ago and just
looked in on Lex to see if he was awake. He wasn't. I wanted so badly to go into
his room but that dream stopped me. I know it's just a dream but it scared me.
I'm hungry so I'm off to the kitchen. Ooh I totally forgot. Bruce has this guy
who does everything for him. He's kind of creepy and I try to stay away from
him. It's weird when somebody calls you "master". I almost laughed out loud, but
I managed to be polite. I hope he's not up already. I am sure I can make
something to eat on my own.
Bruce has a lot of pain deep inside. I wish there was something I could do for
him. It's really painful to watch a friend hurting.
~
12:44a - Home now
I got home a while ago. When I got in the door I thought mom was very calm about
it. She held back and asked how things went. Then she told me to sit and have
some apple pie, which I gladly did.
Mom said Lana called and asked her to tell me to call no matter how late I got
in. She had a collapse on Friday! I'm really worried about her now. I didn't
even realize something was wrong. She had Chloe with her to help her through. I
told her about what my mom did with the condom. I never even took them out of my
suitcase. They're in my dresser now.
After I unpacked I went down to eat and now I'm just relaxing and looking at my
f-list. I didn't really have a chance while I was away.
The play wasn't too bad. I had no idea what was going on. I think I'll read it
again or something. Maybe I can rent a movie version of it. I wonder if Keanu
was ever in one.
The rest of the weekend was great. We went to see the play then had an early
dinner. Bruce was really cool; a very gracious host. I hope I was polite enough.
So I went away and had a cool time. Now I feel weird. I'm not sure what it is. I
feel off.
For one thing, I don't want to sleep and have that nightmare again. I hate it. I
hate that I even have it at all. I've never felt so frustrated about anything
before.
Oh and Lex is a hottie. I woke him up this morning with kisses on his neck. At
first he freaked a bit but then when I said "hi" he relaxed. It was nice and
peaceful and simple. I wished it could always be that way. I know it can't but I
still wish it. (btw- thanks Mark for making the suggestion. He really liked it!)
My mom is still up. I can hear her moving around. I think I'm going to go talk
to her. She needs some reassurance that I wasn't corrupted while I went away.
Mom is fine. We had a long talk. She's so cool. I am so happy that they found me
on that day. She felt better once I told her I wasn't in any hurry to get
some. I made her smile when I said it that way. But then she got that
worried mom look in her eyes. I took a deep breath and told her the honest
truth. I told her I had plenty of opportunity but that I know in my heart I am
not ready.
Besides, I am so terrified of the idea right now, that I don't even want to
think about it.
That was TMI but I still needed to say it.
~
1:04p - I just had the greatest talk with Chloe
I ran into Chloe on my way to the torch office and when I saw her I had to grab
her and drag her into the office so I could blurt out what Lex said to me on the
weekend. I told her he had said that he loves me. I almost hyperventilated when
I realized I can tell somebody and she was more than willing to listen to every
word. And she wouldn't judge me.
She was very excited for me. I am so happy right now.
Lex loves me.
On another weird note, when I tried to talk to Pete at lunch, he brushed me off
and said he needed to go do something. I asked him if he wanted to do something
later after I finished deliveries. He said he was playing basketball with the
guys. He walked off and joined a group of guys in the cafeteria. They were the
guys that strung me up. Even Whitney was with them.
At least Whitney nodded a hello. Maybe it was me but it seemed like he waited
until his friends couldn't see that, like he doesn't want them to know that he's
on speaking terms with me. I guess it's cool that Pete is hanging with other
guys. But does it have to be those guys?
~
12:41a - Come as you are
After school today I went home to find that mom was sorting through old
pictures. She was looking at pictures of me from when I was young. When I asked
her if everything was okay, she got all misty and gave me this look. Then she
said that she was just being silly and that she's proud of me.
I took one of the pictures of me from when I was nine to show to Lex. He liked
it. That wasn't the best part. When I went over we did stuff: fully clothed
stuff. It was so cool. It took almost no time for me since I felt too weird
taking care of it when I was away.
We even cuddled afterwards. I accidentally blurted out that I thought he was
cute. Which I guess I shouldn't have done but then he told me he liked that I
thought he was cute and hot. Oh yes, I told him he's hot, too; especially
straddling me. I gladly endured sticky jeans to be close to him and have him
look at me that way and kiss me that way.
When I got home I was glad to find my parents out in the barn fixing the
tractor. That way I could change. Dinner was quiet. When I offered to help mom
with the dishes she just told me to go do my homework. I have a feeling she's
struggling with something but she won't tell me what. I wish she would. It makes
me kind of nervous.
I'm feeling so relaxed and tired. I think I will turn in now.
~
12:49a - Going away on a strange day
I didn't do much today. I was late for the bus then after school I helped Lana
clean that love shack room out some more. She is happy about this coming week
end since it is Valentine's Day. I'm not that thrilled. It's always been one of
those days I ignore, but the school is actually having a dance this Friday. I
obviously can't bring Lex. I couldn't even imagine him there for one thing. For
another thing the fact that we are both guys and I am still under sixteen
wouldn't go over well.
After dinner my dad made me shovel out the barn. I hate that job. It stinks
literally.
Man my life is boring sometimes.
I need to call Lex.
AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!! - Some days I just wish. Actually all days I wish.
I'm getting Lex a card for Valentines Day. It's all I can afford. I just hope he
doesn't get me anything. I don't want anything except to spend some time with
him. I hope he doesn't get me anything.
Then there's the dance. I hate those things. I always sit them out. For one
thing I don't know how to dance and even if I did, I would probably break my
partner's toes from stepping on them all the time. I guess I'm not much into all
those things like dancing, and plays. All that stuff rich people do.
I'm going to call him now.
I called him. He seemed weird. I asked him to be my valentine. It felt weird:
not bad weird just weird. I can't even say what was weird about it. I told him
if I could take anybody to the dance it would be him. But again I just couldn't
picture it. He implied that he's dressed in drag before. Something I could
definitely not picture. My personal preference is to have him as he is. Not that
I have anything against guys who dress like girls. I just want Lex to be a guy
not a girl.
He suggested I ask Lana or Chloe as a friend. I don't know. I really don't like
dances. I have never actually been to any of them. I don't know. I think I'll
just stay home. He said we could do something on Saturday. I had to hang up
since dad interrupted to remind me it was time to get to bed.
I better get to bed.
~
2:01p - Okay
So I was kidding about the drag thing. I really don't want to see Lex in drag.
The thought is totally not appealing. It turns out he's dressed up before. He
said on his journal that he's worn a dress.
I think I would look horrible in a dress even if I've been called pretty before.
I hope he doesn't take it seriously, but I don't want to say anything. He might
think I'm being uncool. I don't want him to think I'm totally clueless but I
guess compared to him I am.
I didn't realize that what dad did last night bothered Lex so much. I mean dad
was just reminding me to get to bed. I wouldn't have expected him to talk to
Lex. Sudden I feel stuck as to how to handle that.
I wonder how dad would feel if he knew what I wanted Lex to do to me. I wonder
if he'd hate me.
~
12:14a - ????
Dad asked me to be out on Saturday. I guess he wants to do something with mom. I
told him I think I could find something to do. I didn't tell him it's with Lex.
I will ask mom tomorrow about that. I can't say anything about Saturday but he
said stuff about how he used to do romantic things for her before they got
married. I stopped him before he got into TMI territory.
I think it's great that they are still that way, but I really didn't need to
know about it. At least I can miss that. On a happy note, it means I can go to
the mansion.
~
9:23a - Why is my life a big pain?
I am not having a great day. On top of that my best friend won't talk to me. He
walked away again when I asked if we could hang later. I followed him anyways
and tried to find out what he was doing for the dance. He said he didn't have
time to talk, and needed to get to class. I'm going to bug him in gym class this
afternoon.
I am dating somebody my dad doesn't like. Last night when I asked him why he
didn't say hi to Lex on the phone he just grunted and told me to go do my
chores.
Something is wrong. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I
hope so. I am going to ask him point blank tonight.
~
3:11p - Wishing things away never helps.
I want to be just a normal every day guy so I don't have to be afraid that one
day Lex will find out I'm an alien freak that landed in Kansas, killed a bunch
of people and burned his hair off.
The nightmares are almost every night now. I don't know what to do short of
telling him the truth, but at this point I would rather eat meteor rocks than do
that. I think about it until I want to crush something.
The other thing that got me on this train of thought was mom and dad. I see what
they have and I want it. I want the ease, the trust, the understanding, the
honesty, the support. Things I maybe can't give Lex. I can give him some of
them. I can give him my support and understanding, but I won't be able to give
him honesty. I try to give him as much as I can. I really do. Sometimes I sit on
the edge of his property and wonder how it would happen. How I could tell him
without him hating me forever. How he would react.
I know the dreams are just that, and I can't go by them but the fear is very
real. I've told him to his face that I did not get hit by the car. I told him
and made him feel bad for thinking it was more and that I am hiding something
from him. Just because I wasn't Super at the time doesn't make it right.
It's funny every once in a while I talk to my mom about this. About when I can
tell somebody I care about, about when I get into a very serious relationship
with another person. They will have to know that I can break them with the flick
of my wrist. It's the right thing to do. She never knows what to say.
Nothing but circles, it's all that ends up happening when I think about this. I
end up right where I started. I hate being an alien.
And I just broke my pencil. Shoot! I have to stop typing so fast. I can't forget
that I am a freak. If somebody sees? Maybe it won't matter. Maybe they won't
care. Maybe the sun will turn green.
~
11:38p - lost and found
Lex found my journal. He left a message to let me know. At first it totally
freaked me out. I couldn't believe it. But then I realized I have nothing to
complain about since I read his and didn't tell him.
I'll have to be careful about what I post from now on.
~
12:24a - Dancing in heaven
I chickened out and didn't confront Pete and didn't ask dad what was bothering
him. I just hate confrontation.
I found Chloe in the torch office today upset. Her girlfriend is going to the
dance with Whitney. They have to for appearance sake. She pretended she was fine
with it but it upset her more than she let on so I'm taking Chloe to the dance
as my friend. We are going to have fun even though we can't take who we really
want to go with. I'm going to dress nice for it just because. Later, I want to
show up at the mansion unless somebody is busy tomorrow night . . .
Dad isn't acting weird anymore, although he kind of got all excited about what
he's got planned for mom on Valentine's Day. I told him I didn't want to know. I
also reassured him I had something else to do that night so I would be out of
his hair.
When I told him Chloe and I were going to the dance together he was happy for me
but didn't ask for details.
For half a second I entertained the idea of just telling him about Lex. That
would have been bad all around. But kind of interesting.
~
11:44p - Can I have this dance?
I have no idea why people go to school dances. They aren't that exciting.
Although it was very nice to spend a few hours with Chloe. She was great and I
had a wonderful time with her. We even danced a dance together. This girl from
my English class asked me to dance. I was so shocked that I didn't have time to
say no. I had no clue what to say to her. She did ask me if Chloe and I are
dating. I told her we aren't; that she's one of my best friends. It was real
nice of her to do that. I think she was just being nice or something.
I stayed close to Chloe for most of the night. She slipped away for a while
probably to go to the bathroom, but other than that we were mostly always
together. Thank goodness since I felt a little awkward.
Even Whitney was nice to me.
I stayed until Chloe wanted to leave and she dropped me off at the mansion on
the way home.
When I arrived Lex was drinking wine and watching the Sopranos. I didn't have
too much time so we only sat and kissed and snuggled. I brought up the LJ thing.
I'm not mad that he knows. We decided not to friend each other and just leave it
at that. I told him that I found his a while back. He said he suspected that I
had. I feel so much better about this.
~
9:37a - My first valentine
I woke up so early this morning because I was excited, plus I had chores to do
before going over the Talon to help Lana.
Last night was so nice and so comfortable. I had my doubts but not because Lex
isn't great. I only had myself to offer and a lame card with an even lamer poem
that I wrote inside. It was pretty bad.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can't write poetry
this card is for you
I know nothing about romance. Once when I was fourteen I sneaked one of mom's
romance novels up to my room. I wanted to see what it was about. I read the
whole book but I still didn't get it. Maybe Lex can teach me. :)
Anyway, Lex gets it. He had the room set up with pillows on the floor,
candlelight and pizza. I was so relieved to see that he hadn't spent too much
money on me. I don't want him to. Plus if he'd gotten me something dad would
have been mad. It would have been a hard thing to explain. Instead I got what I
really wanted: time with Lex alone.
He looked so beautiful in the candlelight. I can't describe how gorgeous he is.
He's got this way of carrying himself that exudes confidence that I would never
be able to pull off. I wish I could. His lips are the yummiest. He was drinking
wine, I drank milk, and when I kissed him I could taste it on his lips.
Just writing about our night is making me so happy. I couldn't have asked for
more. We sat on the floor and talked about things. It was like the world had
disappeared and we were the only ones in it.
We made out, too. I didn't want to leave without doing that at the least. I want
everybody to know that I did bring a condom with me just in case, but I didn't
bring it up at all. Everything was just so perfect that I didn't want to spoil
it with unnecessary drama over whether I am ready or not. I know I'm not ready
but I brought it just in case.
After the make out session and pizza Lex popped microwave pop corn and put in
the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula. Keanu is in that one in case you don't know
this. I totally blushed when I realized that Lex now knows how much I like KR.
Oh well, now he knows another one of my secrets. Not that I was keeping it a
secret.
Ooh and something that happened the other day; a close call. Dad found the card
I'd gotten for Lex for Valentine's Day. I'd written the poem in it already but
not Lex's name. I have to learn to be way more careful. Dad just winked and said
that Chloe would love it. I obviously didn't correct his assumption. When he
said it I felt kind of like a heel, since I didn't get her a card. I guess I
should have. She was my date after all. She didn't say anything about it so I
guess it wasn't important. I am sure that Lana got her something.
Speaking of Lana. I have to get going. She's expecting me in a half hour.
More later. I forgot to wish people a happy Valentine's Day. I hope everybody
had a nice time. I know I did.
~
10:37p - The weekend has been so busy
I spent most of it helping Lana at the Talon. The place is really starting to
look great. It should be ready for the opening this weekend. I can't wait to see
it once it's done.
I haven't seen Lex since Saturday. I was hoping to see him today but it never
panned out. He was too busy and when I called again tonight he wasn't around.
Since there was no school today dad decided to give me a million chores. I did
my homework reading for class since I had time to finish it. I was bad this week
end. Both Saturday and Sunday I was too busy to do anything.
Mom and dad have already gone to bed. So now I'm on line seeing what everybody
is up to. I was looking for pictures of my favorite guy. You know who. He's
making a new movie and I was hoping to see if they'd released any new images.
I want to call Lex but I don't want to seem all clingy and stuff. I have to
remember he's a busy guy. Still, I wish I could talk to him.
~
9:00p - I just can't believe this is happening
I just got home from the Talon. Somebody left a gift wrapped severed hand for us
to find. Whoever did it wanted to make sure Lex found it.
I'd gone with Lana to talk to her about the project I have to do for school.
It's been a very busy day.
In class we were given a classmate to do a six page bio on. I was given Lana,
which is very cool, but what totally sucks is Chloe got me. The reason it sucks
is because she is the kind of person who goes digging for stories. She works on
the school paper and wants to be a reporter one day; all great things except I
still wish somebody else had gotten me.
She was waiting for me at home, interviewing my parents. I took off since I was
only there to drop things off before going over to the Talon. When Lana and I
arrived at the Talon, Lex pulled up. We went inside to find the contractor
knocked out. Somebody left a box with a severed hand in it. I guess I have all
the fun.
Lana called the police. I've never seen Lex freaked out over anything before. I
wanted to go to him but that wasn't possible so I stayed with Lana. I think she
might be regretting going into the Talon thing with Lex. Some guy who claimed to
be Lex's friend from the past told her to stay away from him. He told her that
everything Lex touched goes bad. It angered me to hear that. I don't know what
to think at this point. Lex told me it doesn't concern me, but if body parts are
showing up in my friend's coffee shops, then I say I have reason for concern.
I trust Lex. I really do but, man, that hand was gross.
I made sure Lana got home okay after that.
~
11:55p - First times
It ended up just the way I thought it would. Chloe couldn't leave it alone. She
went behind my back and investigated my adoption. I am so angry right now. I
have been all day. I just can't believe she could do this to me. I know nothing
about my adoption and I don't care! She has no idea what it's like to know that
my biological parents fucking abandoned me. They threw me away. For whatever
reason they didn't want me. It hurts beyond the telling of it; especially when I
consider how far my biological parents went to get rid of me. They put me in a
space ship and threw out into the universe.
And Pete had to go and tell Chloe about that time in first grade when I pushed
this kid through a door for picking on him. I wasn't proud of that. I got
carried away. I wish Chloe would just do what I did instead of treating my life
like some kind of corruption scandal. She always feels like she has to dig up
something juicy about everything.
I am not a news story! I tried to tell her that, but she didn't listen at all. I
guess this bothered me way more than I thought. I haven't talked to her since
this morning, and I know if I called her I would say something I regretted.
I am so furious right now. Not just at her. I'm angry at Lex, too. Something has
come back from his past and he ordered me to stay out of it. It's like he thinks
I can't handle it. I hate that. I hate when people think I'm too naive or too
young to handle something.
I found out that a few years ago some guy was killed in a club, and Lex was
there when it happened. I went to ask him about it and I could have sworn I
heard somebody else in the room with him. When I went in, Lex was alone and that
was when I asked him what was going on. He asked me to stay out of it but I'm
not going to stay out of it! I'm not just some guy he knows; I'm supposed to be
somebody to him. I'm supposed to help him and I will. I don't care how mad he
gets at me.
It was strange. I'm not sure how it happened. He jumped on me and we were on the
floor, tearing at each other's clothes. Before I knew it, I was sucking him off.
I didn't have a clue what I was doing but I just had to take him. I had to.
So I sucked him off right there on the floor. I pinned him down and sucked him
until he came all over his belly. I've been watching gay porn to get an idea of
what to do. It's totally different when you're there and the cock is in your
mouth. I can still taste him on my tongue.
He grabbed me, and sucked me off right after. It was the hottest thing I have
ever seen. I didn't last long. I came all over his face and neck. I am never
going to forget that site as long as I live. I never thought I would think
something like that was so hot.
We were in his private gym so we took a shower. Naked. Together. I was so
embarrassed at first. He told me I'm beautiful. I had no idea what to say to
that. I just got more embarrassed.
I went back to the mansion with him and stayed there for the rest of the night.
We had dinner and just hung out. We didn't say much; just mostly made out.
Now I'm sitting here after what happened. Hard again. I have to go jerk off. I'm
not sure what to think about what we did, or why we did it.
~
11:19p - Lex went missing today.
They're all dead. All of our cows are dead. Some sick person dumped chemicals
that came from Lex's factory on our property and killed all the cows.
I was so cold to him. He looked really upset about the cows, but I was just cold
and ordered him to tell the police why this happened. He said it has something
to do with what happened at Club Zero a few years ago.
When he just left the farm without saying goodbye I panicked. He's never done
that. My dad hates him so much right now. I tried to reason with him this
morning before we saw what had happened. Now there's no way he'll ever accept my
feelings for Lex. He'll hate me for going near him.
I've never seen my dad so upset. He's not talking to me much.
Mom asked me to cool it with Lex. I know already that I'm not going to obey her.
I can't. I don't care what my parents say, a person shouldn't be judged just
because of their name, and a person shouldn't be held responsible for what
somebody else does. Somebody did this to ruin Lex.
I even called a number somebody else gave me. Mr. Big answered the phone. He
sounded so worried about Lex. I knew something was up when even he said Lex was
nowhere to be found.
I found Lex and knocked out the guy that hurt him, and then called the police.
Lex is home now. He's a little banged up. I stayed with him until the police
took the kidnapper away. I was so glad to see Lex alive that I held him and
kissed him. It took me a few minutes before I realized I still hadn't gotten him
out of the straight jacket that jerk had put him in.
~
11:34p - origins
At least Chloe decided to drop the adoption thing for the good of our
friendship.
I asked my dad about it and he said it's all legitimate. My parents just needed
to do things differently because of how they found me.
I was found, naked, in a field with nobody else in sight. Actually, my mom
always says I found them. Their truck was overturned from the meteor shower. I
was lucky they found me.
It's only been six months since my dad told me the truth of where I'm from. I
still haven't gotten used to the idea. I doubt I ever will. I crashed to earth
in a ship. How do I get used to that? How do I resign myself to the fact that I
am an alien lost in a foreign land? I have too many questions and not enough
answers. It will probably always be that way.
My biological parents must have wanted to get rid of me so badly. They threw me
out into the coldness of space. I wonder if they even expected me to survive. I
wonder why they did it. I wonder where they are. If I look up into the stars am
I seeing my home planet's star? If I am which one is it? I look through the
telescope almost every night and try to see if I can figure out which one it is.
It's so stupid but suddenly I feel homesick even though earth has been the only
home I've ever known.
I keep thinking about what happened yesterday. I mean, I got to see Lex naked. I
still can't believe I did it. I pushed him down and took control. It would be so
easy to just always control him. My strength guarantees that. I can still taste
him.
I feel lost. At least emotionally I am very much the same as any other teenager;
if I really am a teenager. For all I know I'm actually thousands of years old.
Doesn't it take that long to travel across the universe? I'm really losing it
now.
Who am I? Where am I from? Why did my parents abandon me? Who are my parents?
What is the name of my home world? Where is my home world?
I could keep going forever. I could even ask if it was fate that I met Lex the
way I did. I could even ask why my feelings for him are so strong even though I
still feel something for Lana.
~
11:23p - I've been grounded
It's not like she said stay away from him, it's more like make the choice
yourself or else I will make it for you. She didn't say what she would do, but
it was implied that it wouldn't be good.
I'm so fidgety tonight. I spent most of the morning in la-la land. I can't even
remember what any of the teachers said. I came straight home from school, did
the chores as slow as I could since I had so much time.
I found an old picture of when the Talon first opened, and had it framed. I'm
going to give it to her tomorrow. Lana called tonight to ask how everything is
going. She asked if I was worried about something else from Lex's past coming
back. If only she knew.
Now I have to sit here all night. If I even reach for the phone mom asks who I'm
calling. I know I'll see him at the opening for sure so maybe I'll pull him
aside. I need to go for a run or break some rocks or something.
~
11:47p - The opening was a smash ...
... but not for me. I've had a blah day. Woke up, trudged through chores, and
then sat around waiting to be allowed to go to the opening.
The place looked amazing. Everything came together so well. I got to see Lex
while I was there. He looked so gorgeous. I hadn't seen him since the incident
in the city. We went into the back office to talk in private. I just couldn't
tell him that my mom and dad were grounding me until further notice with people
around. Especially since most of them are my friends.
I totally panicked. I thought for sure he would tell me he can't take the
overprotective parents thing. I thought for sure he'd tell me I'm not worth the
hassle. I can't help but think that way. Mom told me to cool it. I told her I
won't cut him out of my life. I told her several times that Lex is a good friend
to me and that he would never let anything happen to me. I just know he
wouldn't.
Dad's not saying much to me. He talks to me but only if it's not about Lex. This
is so hard to write but I need to get it off my chest. Dad is so mad about the
cows. I can't even reason with him so I gave up. I'm going to try to talk to him
tomorrow.
When I saw Lex today I asked him what the real truth was about the club. He told
me he did what he did to protect his friend. He took the heat for somebody else
so she wouldn't go to jail. That just blows me away. I mean to go that far for a
friend. I believe Lex no matter what my dad says.
When we talked in private I wasn't sure what to say. I felt so stupid and young
and out of my league. I told him about my mom wanting to talk to him first
before I can see him again. I talked to him longer than I was allowed to and I
asked him if we could sneak out. I can't understand why mom is being so strict.
She's not usually like this. It's good that she doesn't know how far things have
gone.
She called me just as Lex and I were finished talking. How do moms do that? She
totally grilled me. Asked a million questions even asked if I saw Lex. I
couldn't lie. I never could to mom. As I left the Talon I had to get one last
look at him. He looked so sad. I wanted to go to him and just hold him in my
arms. My heart ached.
I want him to be happy, I want to let him know that I will be thinking about him
all night and all day tomorrow. I'm going to call tomorrow to make sure he's
okay. This is so stupid. It's like that Shakespeare play Romeo and Juliet only
it's got no Juliet in it.
I'm so tired. I feel drained and lost. Maybe if I sleep on it things will look
different; better.
~
9:28a - Worse morning ever
I just had the biggest fight with dad. I don't even know how it happened. I went
down to have breakfast like always. Everything was fine and then dad said he
needed me all day for chores, which isn't unusual. So I said fine and then I
tried to bring up Lex. Dad didn't say anything at first. I kept talking. I told
him and mom the truth about what actually happened. I even said I admired him
for trying to protect his friend that way.
Dad freaked. He told me that there was nothing to admire about Lex. That he's
nothing but a spoiled brat who thinks he can solve all his problems with money.
Then I tried the argument that he has always been a good friend. Mom glared at
me.
Dad said a few things that really hurt. Then he stormed out. When he was gone I
tried to reason with mom. She told me that she isn't planning on forbidding me
from seeing him, she just needs reassurances.
I hope she doesn't ask him to dump me. I feel so panicked. What if she does?
What if she goes to him and says she doesn't want us to be together that way? I
wish I'd never told her about me; about us.
I have to go do chores now. I'm going to call him later. I think mom said she
was going to go to the mansion today to talk to him. This is so dumb, I know Lex
would never hurt me or let me be hurt. He said so when he told me he would do
anything to protect his friends.
I'll have to tell him that I would never ask him to go that far for me. As much
as I love the idea, I would never want him to do something illegal for my sake.
Okay, maybe something that is only between the two of us and in a bed, in
private, with lots of lube.
He posted an open post. I hate my life sometimes. I will call him as soon as I
get a chance no matter what my parents say.
~
4:36p - Normal days and normal nights
My mom went over yesterday to talk to Lex. Things went well. I'm not sure what
she said, but when she got home she came straight to the loft to talk to me
about it. She is the best mom ever.
As soon as she told me that I could go over to see him I was off to the mansion.
It was great to surprise him. He didn't expect me to show up so soon after the
talk with mom. We didn't really talk much about what was said between them. I
wanted him to know that the trust she put in me is very important to me. I don't
think I got that across. Sometimes the words are hard to find.
At least I got to kiss him and touch him. That was the best.
It blows me away that my mom knows and she's still okay with it.
Then there's dad. He's not talking to me still. This is always how it is. In a
few days things will be back to normal. I'm not that worried. I have to go do
deliveries soon, which means I get to see Lex. Last night he beat me at pool so
I think I'll ask for a rematch.
Mom's calling. I have to get going.
~
12:38a - I totally screwed up
I thought if I made light of it and tried to keep things easygoing I would be
able to talk more readily about sex. I was so wrong. I think I made things
worse. I felt like a total fool. I think back to what I said and I just can't
even believe I said it. What the hell was I thinking?
He sounds so upset in his journal entry. He was drinking. I guess I really
screwed up. I just don't know how to handle all this. I need to think long and
hard on what to do next.
We made a date to talk about that kind of stuff for Wednesday. It was so weird.
I went over there not really expecting to say much just maybe to talk and then
suddenly the conversation (thanks to my big mouth) takes a weird turn. I wanted
to at least let him know that I liked what we did the other day. We kind of did
some stuff that involved being naked. I'm not really sure where I got the
courage to even touch him like that. I just did and now I have to deal with the
consequences of what happened.
I loved it. I should have told him that. I told him I didn't want him to f***
me. He was so upset; I thought I'd said something totally wrong. I didn't even
get the courage to say I want it to be more between us; not just sex. I'm not
interested in that. I want us to be close. I care about him as much more than as
just somebody to have sex with.
Even to myself I sound like a dork. When I thought it in my head I panicked and
couldn't say it to him. He thinks I don't want to. I'll have to wait to tell him
since it's so late.
Okay I am going to put it down here even if it sounds naive. I want us to make
love.
~
10:01a - I'm moping so sue me
So I spent most of last night lying on the floor of my loft. I just sort of fell
and didn't bother getting up. You'd be surprised what you can figure out lying
on a wooden floor. Mom came and got me, otherwise I think I would have just
stayed there all night. I was thinking.
I'm supposed to go over to the mansion later today to talk about it.
Everybody is trying to point me in the right direction. I ran into Mr. K at the
coffee house. We talked for a bit. It seems like I'm being too shy about all
this and need to not worry about how Lex will react to what I have to say. Both
Mr. K and Lana think I have to just tell Lex how I feel. It's so easy for them
to say; not so easy for me to do. At least that's what I thought. One thing I
know about myself is that I would rather give than take. I took the other day;
in a big way.
Lana called last night. She's so great. I was so confused and just talking to
her made me feel better. Thanks to her and Mr. K. I called Lex. He was home and
we talked. It went well. He made me realize something I didn't even know. I am
worried about so many things when it comes to taking the next step with him. We
said we can work it out as we go along so now I'm not so worried.
It may just be all for nothing. I mean I am not really ready for more. I want to
make sure we both know where we stand. I know we already decided to not do
things that involve clothing removal, but he's just so . . . and it never hurts
to talk about these things. At least this way I've already had practice and
won't explode later from embarrassment.
~
10:35a - Sex and the single alien
There's so much I can't tell Lex. It makes it so hard sometimes. I can't tell
him what my real fears are. I can't say that one of things I'm worried about is
that I will hurt him badly, or that my strength may mean I can't have sex with
him because he's so fragile. When I did what I did to him in the gym, I had to
make sure I was in control 100 % of the time. Otherwise I could crack things;
delicate things and I love Lex's delicate things.
When we talked last night I wanted so badly to tell him I was worried about
this, but I can't and I can't talk to my mom or dad about it. I talked to my mom
before about my fears of breaking a human partner. She said she has faith in me.
I have never done anything like this before so this is, I guess, a proving
ground.
I've had to keep my hands to myself my whole life and for the first time
somebody wants me to touch them. Somebody wants to be with me in an intimate
setting and it scares me to death. I feel like I should just walk away from it
all. I think maybe I should since not only could this go badly because of my
differences, but I feel more and more every day that if I can't share what I am
with him, I shouldn't even be with him.
Last night when we talked he told me he won't go away if things aren't as great
as all that. I told him I wished the other day in the gym had gone slower, and
been more intimate rather than a quick sexual encounter. He said that it was
cool that I just took; that sex doesn't always have to be one thing, or about
sharing, or about who does what to who. He said it can be many things. He also
said he loves that I want things from him, and that me just saying it gets him
hot. That is very cool.
I guess I have a lot to learn. My ideals about an intimate relationship must
seem so naive to him although I know he won't hold that against me.
The fact that he wants me period is just amazing; terrifying but amazing. I
never thought in a million years that anybody would desire me so much. The look
in his eyes when we are alone makes me want a lot of things. The way he just
says he will be with me however he can in that way. It's heart stopping.
I close my eyes and think about him under me; think about being inside him and
how that will feel. I think about him taking me in hand and just showing me
everything he knows about touching and kissing and sex.
Last night I asked who would top, but Lex just ignored the question. I didn't
press, but I will tonight.
~
11:17a - Talked and some other things
We talked. It was interesting to say the least. I totally forgot every question
I wanted to ask as soon as I saw him. He looked so good. I managed to get some
questions out. He was really cool about it all. We decided to move things to a
new level. So now we can touch bare skin, which I love to do.
I asked him a bit about his own sexual history. I won't say what he told me here
since that's private stuff. I was so nervous about asking those things since
it's about his past and I know he's not keen on going there. He answered the
questions though so it was okay. I pulled out a condom and told him what I know
about safe sex. Of course what I know wouldn't even make for an interesting
entry.
Our relationship has moved forward. I'm so glad because now I feel so much more
comfortable with everything. I feel like I could talk to him about almost
anything now. He even said I could call if I came up with anything else to ask.
I have to get back to class. More later.
~
12:01a - Talk the talk
I did it. I went over and we talked. I had time to think about him all day;
which wasn't easy since I kept getting excited when ever I did.
We're getting together tomorrow night to do stuff. I'm going to ask for a safe
word.
School was the usual. When I got home dad was magically talking to me again. We
get the new cows this weekend so that should make him happy. He's been so down
about the whole thing. I made sure to steer clear of him since 99 percent of my
thoughts now revolve around Lex.
Mom made fresh pie tonight. I had two slices. She's being really indulgent
tonight. She just came up a few minutes ago to ask if there was anything I
wanted to talk about since I seemed so weird the other day. I pointed out that I
was not only sitting at my desk (instead of on the floor) but I was doing my
homework. I had so much of it tonight.
I wanted to call Lex but mom has imposed a little rule about talking on the
phone after 11 on a school night which isn't all that bad.
I have another question to ask if anybody is willing to entertain me with
suggestions of a safe word that would be cool and maybe a little fun. What
should we scream when we want things to stop?
~
11:17a - Sex and the not so single alien
I asked Lex if he likes to top or bottom. He was kind of vague about it. He said
he likes to keep his options open. I have no idea what I would like. I don't
even know how it will feel for me. I am alien after all and just because I look
like a human on the outside does not mean I will necessarily have the same
things on in the inside. That is a depressing thought. What if sex isn't the
same thing for my species? I've jerked off plenty of times. I even smashed
things and ripped clothing by accident. I've since learned to control it, but
still who knows.
Lex and I have already done some stuff. Like what happened in the gym. I still
can't figure out why I did it. I just felt like I needed to touch and be touched
at that moment. I wanted him to suck me off; I wanted to suck him off. I wanted
to know what it was like to have a part of him inside me. I want to know what it
will feel like when he penetrates me.
Tonight I'm supposed to go over to his place. I felt too silly last night to try
on a condom. It seemed weird somehow so when I jerked off I had a mess to clean
up; not that I mind. Lex says he likes it messy; so do I. I mean, I don't really
know if I do or not but it seems so much more sexy.
When we were in the gym I came on his face and that was very hot. I wanted to
lick him all over. He was all wet and sticky and it really was like I was
marking him as mine. We're the only ones who know, but who cares. I like it so
private. I like that we have to be all secretive. I like that he wants me; that
he wants me to touch, to taste, to push into him. I will only admit this in
private but the first time I see him in the day I get hard. I want to push him
to the ground and do things to him; very naughty things. At least a hundred
times a day I imagine it.
I wonder if I'm hitting some kind of sexual peak for me.
I want us to have a safe word. In case I hurt him, or I inadvertently break
something. I can't really feel any pain since I am invulnerable. I know I feel
pleasure because when Lex touches me it feels amazing. It sends tingles all over
my body and makes me respond in ways I never imagined. I'm hoping that this
means when I have actual sex that I will feel it. I want to feel it.
Then there is the issue of safe sex; condoms and how to put one on. I know the
gist but I get so nervous when I take one out of the package. The first time I
opened one I misjudged my strength and tore it in half, the second time I poked
a hole through it. I think I'll let Lex put it on me. I may just have to pretend
it's something that turns me on; a kink. I wonder if he would buy that.
We talked a bit about Lex's sexual history. I really wanted to know when he
first had sex. He seemed so nervous about the subject. I pushed a little but I
didn't want to push too hard. I hope it's not something bad. He only really told
me how old he was (fourteen), and that it was a guy and a girl. I wonder why he
disliked it so much. Maybe he was forced. That would totally suck.
~
10:43p - Sucks to be me
I couldn't go over last night or tonight! My mom asked me to stay close to home
since dad's acting weird. I begged her to let me go over to the mansion since I
had a date with Lex but she said no. She also said that I was not to sneak over
during the night time.
Um, well, I sort of listened to her. I sneaked over very late at night. I just
forgot to tell her. Since she didn't ask I didn't have to lie to her about it.
Besides, it's totally unfair; I was not even thinking of sneaking over until she
mentioned it.
I went by around three. I had this dream about Lex and then I couldn't sleep so
I had to make sure he was okay. He was just fine, tucked nice and neat in his
bed. We did some things and then I had to leave, which totally sucked since I
wanted to stay and fall asleep with him. He pointed out that it wouldn't be a
good thing.
So now I am hanging out in my fortress, alone, and bored out of my mind. I
already did all my homework and shot some hoops. I spent some time watching the
mansion today. It looks deserted from a distance. I saw one light on. I kept
wondering what Lex was doing.
I suppose he's not the only thing in my life but still he is the coolest thing.
I told him I loved him. Is that TMI? I hope nobody thinks I'm a dork for saying
that. Oh well. I have to go and run or I will explode.
~
11:40p - Late night romp
Last night was the best. I am so glad mom gave me the idea to sneak out. I
hadn't done that in a long time.
I slipped into his bed and touched his cheek to wake him up. He woke up almost
right away a little startled at first but then he smiled when he saw it was me.
I just climbed into his bed and pinned him down since he was still half awake.
Just like at the gym I felt brave. I slid my hand into his pajama bottoms and
touched him. He was as hard as I was. I was hard even before I got into the bed.
I sucked him off until he came in my mouth. It was amazing. I'd read this thing
on line about how to deep-throat. I think I did okay because I pretty much
rendered him speechless. He couldn't talk for a few minutes after he came. I was
proud that I swallowed. He looked shocked that I did.
After, we lay down for a few minutes. I would never have asked him to do it, but
I didn't need to. He took my pajama bottoms off. He did it. I was on top of him
but he urged me up so that I was on my hands and knees above him. He slid down
and it was so hot I tore the sheets. I let go of the mattress just in time.
Since I couldn't last very long with his hot mouth on my cock, I was coming
almost minutes later. He didn't make me feel ashamed or embarrassed about coming
so fast. I felt so content and happy with him.
Then when we were relaxing again I told him I love him and he said it back. Not
ditto or anything like that 'I love you, too.'
I wanted to stay I really did. I will make some kind of arrangements in the
future so we can do that. We have lots of time now that we're together.
The best thing is he didn't ask me about the sheets. I mean I shredded them to
bits. I came so hard. I think it had to be the hardest ever. I should know I
come a lot; at least once a day.
~
2:10a - ?&%$
Lex said he had a safe word with Bruce. Does that mean they tied each other up
during sex? Does Lex want me to do that to him? I can't do that. I would never
want to hurt him. What if he wants that and I say no and he goes somewhere else?
Oh man. I just can't stop thinking about this now. Lex tied up. I've seen it. I
saw him in a straightjacket; that's tied up. Did I like it? I can't remember. I
wasn't thinking that way at all. I was just thinking he needed to be saved.
I did hold him still when he tried to pull out of my mouth last night. Does that
mean I could be into tying him up? Suddenly I am so much more confused.
10:35a - Strange day
Nothing can top what happened between Lex and me yesterday. He stopped by around
three and we hung out. It was so cool. I was so happy about having him there. My
mom and dad both went out to run errands so we could be open about things. I
totally shocked him when I kissed him right in my own driveway. I loved the look
on his face and couldn't get it out of my head all night. My mom must have
thought I was crazy since I would suddenly smile for no apparent reason. I kept
telling her it was because I was so proud of my hero dad.
Anyway, we ate cold pizza and I drank milk and he drank water. We went to the
barn afterwards to make out. It was so nice. I didn't want him to leave. I
wished it was like that all the time; us together, kissing and holding without
having to hide it.
After he left I stayed in the barn for a while to think about what we'd done.
Then dad and mom got home. Some guy crashed and dad saved him. During dinner I
daydreamed that Lex was there too with us. When mom asked why I was smiling I
told her that Lex had been by. Dad got mad but he didn't really say much.
Then I had to go out to the barn to avoid hearing them. Totally gross.
I wanted to call Lex last night but we'd just seen each other so I held off.
I'll see him today I'm sure.
~
11:19a
I made a complete fool out of myself yesterday. When Lex was over I started to
imagine that were married and living on the farm. It was just the two of us and
it was so quiet that I couldn't help it. He asked me why I was so happy. I mean
besides having him all to myself, why else would I be happy. He was there with
me and we were eating in my kitchen.
I told him what I was dreaming. I wished I hadn't. It was so embarrassing. After
I told him I realized how dumb it sounded to him. He doesn't have fond memories
about family life like I do. I couldn't stay in the kitchen after that so I ran
off. Again, totally embarrassed at how naive and young it must have sounded to
him. I know it's never going to happen. I know it never can, but I can dream
about it can't I.
I had all night to think about it and I realize now that there is no way it will
ever be that way. He's not just any guy and I'm not even a guy. I would have to
tell him the truth about what I am. I know honesty is very important to a
healthy relationship. I wanted so badly to tell him. I almost did. We were
alone, nobody could have stopped me. I wanted to just say 'Lex, I'm an alien.'
But the words stuck in my throat. They froze me to the very core with terror. I
was afraid that he would hate me forever once he heard the word alien.
I had the nightmare last night. I dreamt I told him at the kitchen table. In the
dream he looked at him like I was a monster. Then he told me he would devote his
life to making sure the whole world knew what I was.
In real life he chased after me when I ran off. I was so ashamed and embarrassed
and just felt this huge humiliation over how I acted. I acted like a child.
We talked and he made me feel a little better. I don't know. I was so confused
and just plain annoyed at myself that I just wanted to pretend it never
happened. He did make me feel less silly for wanting those things.
We also talked about the reasons for a safe word. I asked about Bruce and why
they had one. He said they used to do stuff like tie each other up. Bruce used
to tie him up! I can't do that to him. I mean, I don't think I can. I don't want
to hurt him. I would never want to hurt him. I want to know everything about Lex
and what he likes, but I think that maybe some of those things he likes are not
things I would like. I'm not sure. I just can't imagine tying somebody up on
purpose. I can't imagine taking that kind of control away from him, but maybe he
likes that. Maybe he wants me to own him in that way. Maybe a part of me wants
to own him that way.
I have to admit; the thought that he's shared that with Bruce annoys me a little
but since Lex is mine now I know I have nothing to worry about. I'm just so
confused. I'll have to think about it some more.
I wanted him to just hold me so I kind of slowly slid into his lap and cuddled
close to him. Then I sucked him off because I wanted to make him feel good. I
was so hard from earlier (the minute I heard his car in the driveway I was hard)
I wanted to do something about it.
We decided on the safe word cherry pie. That was a very short conversation
mostly because when I brought it up I was holding his dick in my hand and he was
pretty speechless. He didn't get the chance to do me but that was fine. I didn't
mind. I jerked off three times last night anyway, after he left.
I fantasized while I jerked off that I had Lex under me and that he was totally
helpless. It was such a turn-on I came really hard. Maybe I do like the idea
just a little.
~
12:02a - Dad is a weirdo
My dad is acting like a jerk. I have no idea why but he's been so rude today. I
came home to fine my parents almost doing it in the kitchen. My eyes are still
burning from that. My brain needs major scrubbing.
That totally threw me off, but then he was all 'you do the chores, I'm taking a
break.' My dad never takes a break from work. When Lex stopped by my dad was so
rude to him, I was ashamed to know him. He told him how much he hated him and
how much he hated that we are friends. God, it was awful. Mom tried to apologize
for him but I could see how much it hurt Lex.
My dad went upstairs for a nap so I took Lex out to the loft. Lex gave me a
treat. The kind that involves touching bare skin and me being happy after. I
said sorry a million times. He just brushed it off and acted like it didn't
matter. I know my dad doesn't like Lex but this is just not like him at all.
I'm so tired, too. I just finished all the chores. I need to go to bed now.
~
7:49p - Make it stop
My dad is in the hospital. They have no idea what's wrong with him except they
think he caught something from the guy he saved the other day. That guy fell
into a coma and they can't do anything to help him at all.
My whole world is falling apart.
Today I also found out that Pete, my best friend, hates Lex. I mean totally
hates him. When I asked Chloe about it she said he's jealous of how close Lex
and I have become. I never even realized this. I can't even tell him that it's a
different sort of thing with Lex and that it's not the same at all.
The whole world hates who I'm dating and my mom is in tears. I hate my life.
~
9:32p - This can't be happening.
Dad shot me! He didn't mean to. It still hurt just as bad as if he had done it
on purpose. My chest aches but I wonder if it's just from the shock or if I
really hurt.
I couldn't believe it. When I ran after him and saw that he had a shotgun and
intended to go after the bank manager, I freaked. My dad may have a temper but
he would never do something like that. Except he did and I never thought he
would shoot me, and he did that too. And now he's in the hospital, and I don't
know what to do.
I feel so helpless. I don't know how to handle something like this. I mean the
doctor has no idea what's wrong with him, which means he has no way of helping
my dad. I didn't tell mom about the shotgun thing. She has enough to worry about
right now without having to think about that. I think I'll just keep it to
myself.
I called Lex and he came right away. I hugged him as soon as he arrived. I
didn't care how it looked. My mom hugged him as well so it probably just looked
like he was comforting us. After a while my mom asked him to take me home. I
wanted to stay but she's right when she says somebody has to take care of the
chores.
It gave me a chance to be with Lex. As soon as we were in private I couldn't
help myself, I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything would be fine.
I cried on his shoulder. I think it was a dignified cry. I should be embarrassed
but I just don't have the strength. I feel so tired and just scared. Lex didn't
say much except to hold me and comfort me which is exactly what I needed right
now.
If only other people knew the Lex I know. He makes me feel so safe and like I
can do anything. I wish I could confide in him. I wish I could talk to him about
what my dad did. I feel so alone right now.
~
11:35p - Things just got worse
My dad is in a coma.
Lana came on to me and then stole Lex's car for a joy ride. She passed out and I
had to take her to the hospital. She has the same thing dad has.
They still don't know what it is but Lex has everybody working on it. He brought
in doctors to help.
I have had such a hard day and now that things are calm I want to cry for an
hour.
My dad could die. I don't even want to think about it.
All the things I can do and they're useless. I'm useless.
~
8:18p - Almost over
Now my friend Pete is infected. It turns out this crazy guy who likes to play
mad scientist brought a long dead flower back from the past. Chloe and Pete did
a whole bunch of research and found out that Lex signed this book out from the
library. Pete of course jumped on it.
I am not that quick to judge. Since we still don't know everything that
happened, and on top of that Pete was delirious when he attacked Lex. Did I
mention Pete shot at Lex? I ran to the mansion to stop him when Chloe told me he
went after my boyfriend. Lex is being real cool about it all. He's more
concerned about everybody who's in the hospital, especially since the first guy
died tonight.
I had to pull some fast talking tonight with Pete. I had no idea what to do and
the first thing that came to mind was to pretend I was with Pete when he said
Lex was the one responsible for everything that happened. Unfortunately it
involved hurting Lex and making him believe even for a second that I hated him.
The look on his face was just so awful. My stomach lurches when I think about
it.
I have no doubt in my mind that Lex will find the cure and that he will make
everything better. When I close my eyes and think of the look I want to run to
him and kiss all his troubles away. I will never believe that he consciously had
something to do with this. I will never believe that he would purposely cause
anybody harm.
Maybe I'm being naive to believe so strongly in him, but I don't think so. I
think that if he has somebody that trusts and believes and knows he is worth
everything, he will feel like he is loved. And I have to believe that this will
make all the difference.
~
7:25p - Everything is better now
Thanks to Lex, who had doctors working round the clock, they found a cure.
Everybody is going to be fine. I just came back from the windmill. Lana wanted
to climb it so she could see the city. She seemed very happy when I dropped her
off at home.
Everybody that was infected forgot what they did while they were under, which is
a good thing since I would rather put the whole Lana hitting on me thing behind
me.
My dad and mom are in the house. Mom and I just decided not to tell dad what he
did. I never did tell mom how I had to chase dad down. I think it's best if I
kept that one to myself.
I went by the mansion to talk to Lex and thank him in person, but he was
packing. He had to leave for a business trip. I didn't get a chance to say much
of anything. When I tried to thank him he brushed me off and said he really
needed to go. It's weird because he seemed so distant but then when I tried to
get him to slow down he just gave me this look, grabbed me and kissed me hard.
Then he got into his car and drove off. I didn't even get a chance to ask how
long he'd be gone or where he was going or anything like that.
I called Pete to see if he's okay. He said his mom is pampering him, but his
brothers are still treating him the same. I asked if I could come by tomorrow so
we could maybe shoot some hoops. I don't think I'll tell him what he did while
he was infected. Lex would want to just forget it all. I'd like to forget the
whole week. It was just so weird.
I did get to see Lana in her skimpy red things. I didn't really give too many
details about that before, since it was very embarrassing. She stripped and
kissed me and then later (when I chased her down to stop her because she was
driving Lex's car across a field) she asked me if I was in love with her. I knew
there was something very wrong. I mean, she knows I'm with Lex so I have no idea
why she would do that. Since she doesn't remember doing it, I'll never really
know why. That's fine by me; like I said I wish I could forget it all.
The thing I want to forget the most is what my dad did. This flower made people
lose their inhibitions and say what's really on their mind.
~~
10:23p - Long day
I spent most of the day with Pete. He's feeling much better now. He asked me a
few times what he did but I just told him to forget about it. I told him it was
fine and that nobody got hurt. We had a talk about Lex. I told him that Lex is
very important to me and that he would just have to accept that. I also
apologized for not being around. Then we hung out. It was nice but I have to
admit I sometimes see that image in my head of what he did.
I think of the image of my friend holding that gun and pointing it at Lex. It's
just not something I want to remember and not something I want Lex to have to
remember. Ever! I would have done anything to save him. Anything! I had to think
fast. I had to get that gun away from him. Maybe I made the wrong choice in how
to save him.
After I hung out with Pete I went downtown to get a coffee and I ran into Mr. K.
We parked and talked for a while. I wasn't really sure what to say. I couldn't
sleep last night because I kept thinking about Lex and what he said to me before
he left. I run it over and over again in my mind. I realize now that something
was really wrong and I didn't catch it.
When I got there he was getting ready to come by to let me know he was leaving
for a few days. Then when I touched him he flinched and stiffened and I close my
eyes and I see it in my mind. I can't believe I didn't pick up on it then. I
feel so stupid. I'm supposed to notice this stuff aren't I? I mean I love him
and he was hurt and maybe I am the reason he's hurt and not here. He kissed me
right after but I think now that he did that to reassure me.
I talked to Mr. K about it. He had a few things to say but I will not repeat
them since it was private. He was kind of upset about something. He said I made
him feel better, but I have no idea what I said. It's cool that he felt better.
He looked so sad.
He's such a nice guy. He has this way of making me feel comfortable. We talked
for a while and then drove back to the farm for fresh pie and milk. It was nice
to just sit and talk about stuff. It was nice to just feel relaxed and quiet.
So um you should just come home. Right?
~~~
9:57a - Dreams suck
This totally sucks. I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. It's not fair! I
have to remember these things for the rest of my life! I have a prefect memory.
I never forget anything I see. Anything! Lex hitting me with his car, or Pete
pointing a gun at Lex and threatening to kill him; they are never going to go
away.
I had a nightmare about my dad. It was about the shooting. I remember every tiny
detail of that, too. I won't forget the struggle or the feel of the shotgun
exploding against my chest. Every once in a while I touch my chest where I was
hit and I flash back to it.
I know it was an accident and I know my daddy didn't mean to do it but it's just
so hard. I'm going to tell mom what happened. I need somebody to talk to about
it.
~~
11:01a - I have a little brother
His name is Ryan. He made breakfast for us this morning mainly because he wanted
to feel welcome. I could have told him he doesn't have to do that since my mom
and dad are practically ready to adopt him. It would be so cool if that
happened. I sometimes imagine what having a sibling would be like. I guess this
is how it feels. I can't wait to hang out with him again today.
I spent the morning hanging out with him. We played basketball and he showed me
these comics he likes. Something called Warrior Angel. It's cool to have
somebody around who's younger that I can talk to. He seems to really enjoy my
company without demanding things from me like everybody else in my life.
On another note, I saw Lex yesterday when I did deliveries. I had to go in to
get the check for my mom so I couldn't avoid it. It wasn't that I wanted to
avoid it, but I've been feeling weird about the fact that instead of staying
here and talking to me about what was wrong he ran. I wanted to help him but he
took that choice away from me. I know it's his decision to make, but it still
hurt that he couldn't come to me.
He told me he needed to distance himself from those fake words I said to save
his life. I hate that I had to do it but there was a gun pointed at him and Pete
was not backing down. I had a millionth of a second to think up a plan.
Why should I have to make these kinds of choices? I'm just a kid.
The truth is I'm angry at my dad, but most of all I'm angry at myself.
So Lex told me we should just move past this. He's right.
~
10:00p -Yeah!!!!!
I haven't really told the story of how we came to have a new member of the
family.
Last night mom ran into this kid, Ryan. She took him to the hospital and since
he had no memory of where he's from my parents took him home. We've been put in
charge of him until they can figure out if he has family or where he belongs.
We just finished dinner a few hours ago and he's asleep now. I can't even begin
to tell you how wonderful it is to have him here. It's just the coolest thing
ever. He's younger than me so I have to be a big brother to him. I have always
wanted to be a big brother but I never thought it would happen. Mom and dad
definitely talked about keeping him. If we adopt him then I would have somebody
to hang out with all the time. I would have a brother.
I told Lana all about it. She seemed very excited so tomorrow I'm going to bring
him by the Talon to meet her. This is so amazing.
I have tons of homework to do. I need to calm down first and do a few chores.
I am so happy right now.
~
11:01p - Not proud but live and learn
Today Lex and I sort of had a fight on his journal. I look back at the comments
and I see that I was being way too confrontational. I must make a note of it
here so that I can learn something from this.
Oh well. I guess I could have handled it better. I have to admit this part made
me smile a lot.
And I'm glad you told me how you feel. And next time I'll run to you, not
away.
I have so much to be happy about right now. I wish I could go over to the
mansion but I can see him tomorrow. It's late and I have stuff to do.
Lex is just so awesome.
~~
11:04p - He's going to leave!
Here I am so happy to have a little brother in my life only to discover that
once a long time ago when Lex was young his baby brother died before he even had
a chance at life.
Lex looked so sad and bitter when he recounted the story of his only sibling,
Julian. I felt so bad because I was just so happy about Ryan and it turns out
Lex lost a brother.
I feel so numb right now. I thought I was going to have a nice happy day and
then he drops the bomb. His dad, Mr. Big, offered him a job in the city. My head
is spinning, I am so confused. I know it's what he's always wanted but I want to
shout at him not to go. I want to tell him to stay here with me in this hick
town.
He said he was a different person there with his father. I didn't say anything
because I was so shocked. I want to be supportive and I want him to be happy. He
didn't seem very happy, even after we kissed. He was so distant and solemn; so
sad. It made my heart wrench just seeing him leave. I have never felt so
strongly about anybody before.
His kisses were so gentle and so desperate. It was like he wanted to remember
what it was like because he's going to say yes to his dad. He could. I know it's
an option. He said he's having dinner with his dad to tell him his answer.
What if he leaves? What if he goes back and I never see him again? He would be
there and I would be here and he'd have all the distractions of the city to keep
him occupied. He wouldn't need me. I'm just a nothing farmer's kid.
He's Lex Luthor.
On top of that Ryan is leaving tomorrow. He has to go to social services. We
can't keep him. He's a great kid and I love being a big brother to him. I can
show him so much, but I don't get to do that. I get to be alone.
Everything was so good today. I took Ryan to the Talon to meet Lana and then he
got to meet Lex. He was kind of rude to Lex, and the weird thing is Ryan told me
about Lex's dad offering him the job. He told me Lex was going to leave.
I ran after Lex to apologize for how Ryan acted. He was so cool and
stand-offish. I told him that I wished I could kiss him right in the street. He
snapped at me and then told me to go back inside. I didn't know what to do so I
just went back in, which turned out to be a good thing since Ryan was in
trouble. He was out back inside a garbage truck. I had to rip it open to save
him.
He's asleep now. All the excitement wore him out.
Suddenly this day really sucks. I am so glad it's over.
~~
11:29p - foils and heroes
He gave me a foil and then went off to the city, only he never made it because
Ryan's step dad attacked him and threw him out of a moving limo.
Ryan's asleep in my bed now. He was supposed to go to social service but the
lady that took him was actually the stepmother that was beating him. She's dead
now. Ryan's step dad killed her. I will never understand how a person can just
cavalierly kill another person. It's so horrifying to me. The police have Ryan's
step dad now.
I just called Lex to make sure he's okay. He says he called a limo to come get
him. I wanted to stay with Ryan in case he needs me or something. I can't
imagine how horrified he is by all this. I am so glad I was able to stop the
guy.
I'm too tired to say more now.
~~~
10:54a - Ryan's gone
We managed to find an aunt who lives in Edge City. He left with her. I'm really
happy for him but at the same time I will miss him a lot. We'll probably keep in
touch and dad told him he's welcome to come by any time. I'll probably go see
him when I get a chance. Maybe this coming week since spring break is here. I'll
have to ask mom and dad. I bet they wouldn't mind going.
I have another thing I haven't dealt with at all. I found out that Chloe wants
me to ask her to the spring formal. I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. When I
asked her about it she just kind of brushed it off. I didn't say anything after
since it just startled me way too much. I mean, she's taken and then this just
comes out of left field.
I better just leave it alone unless she mentions it again. I'm really not sure
what to do about it.
Other things have been bothering me as well. It's all just a jumble in my mind.
I need to take time to sort it out.
The other night Lex stopped by on his way to dinner with his father and gave me
a foil as a gift. He said every hero needs one. I haven't talked to him to see
if he said yes to Mr. Big's offer. I'm too afraid. What if he did? He looked
like he was going to. When I asked he said he wasn't sure one way or the other.
He gave me a going away present though, so he's probably going to say yes. I
told him I hope he stays.
I want him to stay, but I don't think I should count on it.
~~~
10:50p - Me being foolish
I wanted to be the reason he stayed. I wanted him to walk up to me and say
'you are my 'everything'.' I wanted him to want me to be with him forever.
I feel beyond foolish for even thinking this way. Like the time when we were in
my kitchen and I looked at him and all I could think was how it would be so
great if he and I lived here together; the two of us, like a family.
I watch him and I think he's mine and I could own him if I thought that
way. I could tell him to never go near anybody else ever. I have these dark
thoughts about him. Like if I don't do something right now to posses him he will
run off and I won't have him.
I want him to be mine, too. I want him to only belong to me. Not his father.
And not Bruce, or any of those people that he's already been with; just me.
I could do it. I could make him be mine, always.
~~
5:25p - He's staying
He didn't take his father's offer, He's staying in town. It's so weird. I feel
so weird. I mean, I am so happy that he decided to stay. He made the choice for
himself. I am happy; really I am, but for some reason I feel off.
I guess a big part of me thought for sure he would say yes. I was prepared for
that to be his answer, and now that's he's staying I don't know whether to feel
relieved, or angry that he's just putting off his "goodbye" for some later time.
Does that make me a bad person?
We went on a movie date last night. It was nice. I had a real great time. We ran
into Whitney and his friends in the concession line. At first I was nervous but
it seemed fine. Whitney was nice enough. The movie was good. The popcorn was
good. It was nice to be somewhere with Lex other than the mansion or my barn.
The only part that sucked was I couldn't openly touch him. I did sneak a few
touches here and there. He seemed fine with that.
I still have a ton of chores to do. I tried to call him a few minutes ago but
he's not available. Normally he always comes when I call.
~
9:23p - Bitch!
I do not have a temper! Why would he say that? And say it in front of all those
other people. @#$&%#%$#
That did not make me feel better. I fucking smashed the rail in the loft I was
so mad. I guess I do have a temper but I would never hurt him or anther person.
Fuck him and fuck that jerk who told me off.
Big fucking jerks.
I feel sick.
~~
9:05p - Calmer today
Mom and dad are not happy with me. I broke a few things yesterday. I spent most
of the morning fixing the railing I trashed and apologizing to mom for breaking
her dishes. Lex and I had a little bit of a disagreement. I'm not really sure
how it happened all I know is before I knew it I was so angry I could spit
nails.
Just before I did deliveries Lana showed up. She looked so sad I brought her
into the kitchen and offered her some juice. Things aren't going so great for
her and Chloe. At least Lana thinks they aren't. Chloe has been too busy for her
lately. I felt so bad I wasn't sure what to do so I hugged her. She cried until
her tears soaked my shirt. I hadn't realized how upset she was until she started
to cry. A part of me wanted to hold her forever. A part of me wanted to be what
would make her happy.
I'm sure Chloe doesn't mean to hurt Lana, but at that moment I almost wished
Lana was mine. It was a little confusing. Then I had to leave, which was fine
since Lana was really there to talk to my mom.
I did deliveries as I do every Monday but Lex wasn't home. He was out on
business. He told me last night that we would talk today, but I guess it will
have to wait. I hope he didn't do this to avoid me. I was a little harsh with
him on the phone last night. I hate that he drinks and I just wish he wouldn't
turn to alcohol when he's feeling upset. He claimed he'd had a hard day and
needed to unwind. I sounded so after school-special I wanted to shoot myself.
He's an adult and I know he can take care of himself, but still, I wish he
wouldn't do that to his body. I don't like it.
~~~
11:14a - The horrors of being a super strong alien from another planet.
Last night things did not go well. I was alone with my chores since mom was at
her class and dad needed to do something in the back field. Just as I was
finishing up the last of them and about to go in for a shower Mr. K (Feegan)
shows up. First off I was dirty and stinky and just in general not really
prepared for company. It was very nice to see him, though. He looked really
good. I mean, I look, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I offered him a drink of lemonade and before I knew it I found myself spilling
everything about what happened with Lex. I told him almost everything which in
retrospect might not have been such a great idea but I desperately needed
somebody to talk to about the whole situation. It's not like I could go to mom.
She has enough of my freakiness to deal with and I really don't want to add to
it.
Feegan made comments about how I could channel my anger in a constructive way.
He meant in the bedroom.
I quote exactly:
"Instead of taking out your anger and frustration by fighting with
Lex...channel it into your lovemaking. Uh...control him there...use something
like scarves or his ties to bind his hands and ankles. Make Lex know he's at
your mercy. BUT...you can't hurt him, Clark. This isn't about punishment. This
is about working through what is upsetting you about Lex's recent behavior. Can
you understand the difference?"
I get hard just thinking about this. The only problem is that I could never do
it. I am way too strong and I could hurt him so easily. I break keyboards just
by typing. For the most part I have learned to control my strength but, I don't
know how easily I could control myself with Lex like that; tied up and at my
mercy. The image alone, which I used last night to jerk off to, makes me want to
claw, bite and just take what I want.
I guess at this point I have to admit to myself that I want him like that. I
want to have him at my mercy, begging me to fuck him hard. I hate that word but
how else am I supposed to say it (nobody else but me can see it).
Feegan admitted that he's been tied up and spanked. I didn't want to know by
whom. I am pretty sure I know the answer to that question. Although spanking me
is totally useless, unless there are meteor rocks around and even then it would
not be the kind of pain that Feegan was talking about.
After that it kind of spiraled into weirdness I never could have predicted. He
asked if we had alcohol so I offered him a beer. It seemed like a harmless thing
to do. Then I realized he wouldn't be able to drive so I offered to drive him
over to the mansion that way he would be able to crash there and not worry. It
really annoys me that people think I am a big nerd just because I think it's
un-cool to drink. It's even more un-cool to drink and drive.
He insisted he was fine and since he'd only had one beer he could handle it, but
I just couldn't let it go. So I drove him over to the mansion. He left dad a
note that he was taking the whole six-pack. (Which dad found last night - he was
unhappy. I am to replace it out of my own allowance.)
Lex was there. He wasn't too happy to see us. It escalated into a scene in the
foyer. Feegan and Lex really don't get along. They always seem to clash no
matter what. After being insulted by Lex yet again over my attitude on drinking,
I practically begged Feegan to go back to my place with me. I was so embarrassed
and wished I could just vanish into the floorboards. At first I ran, but then I
realized I'd only recently told Lex I hated that he ran so I turned around and
went back.
I almost wish I hadn't. I was so frustrated and infuriated. I ordered Feegan to
go up to bed so that Lex and I could talk in private. When I saw Lex I just fell
apart. I wanted to smash everything in the room; everything except him of
course. I am so not happy with how I handled this. I did smash a few things. He
made me so angry and when I finally told him I was that mad at him he was glad I
admitted it.
I grabbed him way too hard. I know I hurt him but he said something to get me to
let go. It wasn't a safe word but much worse. He asked if I was going to break
him next. I was so horrified I let go. I wanted to die on the spot. I'm a
monster; a horrible monster. I have to learn how not to hurt.
And after all that Lex is the one who comforts me. I did not deserve it at all.
I had the nightmare again last night about how he finds out the truth about my
alien heritage and hates me. I hate that nightmare so much. It takes me forever
to recover after I wake up from it.
I need to learn to channel my rage. I have to admit I have a temper. I have to,
for Lex's sake, be more careful than I have ever been. He's fragile and I would
never want to be the reason he gets hurt.
~~~
12:16a - Tonight was nice
I spent almost all day helping mom and dad. The work is endless. Then tonight
Lana held a poetry reading thing over at the Talon. I went to support her and
Lex was there. It was sort of weird to be in a public place with him in town. I
realized it was the first time we'd been like that in a while. In a way it was
nice to be relaxed.
Lex was his public self which if you know him is kind of freaky since he's very
different than when he's alone with me. I still enjoyed being there with him. He
looked amazing. He made my heart flutter.
The night was a great success. I am so glad for Lana. She's really taken the
coffee house and made it work. I couldn't be prouder. She was so busy I only had
a chance to talk to her briefly. She thanked me again for the talk we had. I'm
not sure how I helped but I am glad that I did.
~~
2:49a - My world changed forever tonight
I went over to see Lex. We talked, and I got what I wanted.
When we made love I got him to admit he stayed in Smallville for me.
It was amazing. Lex is amazing. I feel tingly all over. I want to go back to the
mansion and do it again. He was so warm and yielding. Way softer than I thought,
but hard at the same time. So tight I get hard when I think about it.
~
10:15a - First time
I just took a shower. I have to admit it was the first time I wished I didn't
have to. I wanted Lex's smell to linger. When I got home early this morning from
the mansion I just fell into bed. Luckily mom and dad didn't notice I was gone.
That would have been embarrassing. I know I would not have been able to look
them in the eyes after what had just happened.
I'm not a virgin any more!
Last night I was so nervous about talking to Lex, and then this happens. I mean
I asked him if I could. And my last post sounded so girly. I can't even make
sense of what happened and how it happened. We did it, had sex and now that it's
over I can't say that I feel bad or regret it or wish it hadn't happened.
I'm all over the place this morning.
My mind is in turmoil right now. I haven't even gone down for breakfast yet. I
will have to eventually but I need to get this out, because nobody can ever find
out what happened. Lex would be in so much trouble, not just from mom and dad
but the police. There's no way I'm ever letting that happen. According to law
I'm underage but the truth is they don't really know how old I am. I could be
one hundred for all we know. They had to guess my age when they found me since I
didn't come with a note.
He just smelled so good and he looked so hot. I wanted him so badly and we
kissed and then I undressed us. I was nervous but I ordered him not to stop me.
Once I touched his naked body I couldn't stop it. I wanted him. I wanted to
control him. I wanted him under me and I wanted to be in him, owning him. I
wanted him to admit that I was the reason he stayed here even if it wasn't true.
I was so turned on and when he slipped the condom on me I practically came on
the spot but I managed to hold on until I was inside him. I felt so powerful and
it wasn't the kind of power I have when I use my strength. I was in control of
my body and it felt amazing. He let me pin him down and gave me something I
could not have ever dreamed of getting from anybody; he gave me trust without
even knowing it.
When I was on top of him and deep inside him I suddenly needed to hear him say
it. I ordered him to say that I'm the reason why he stayed. Once I had his cock
in my hand he finally said it. When he said the words, when he said - 'Yes...it
was for you. Of course it was for you.' I came so hard I think I saw stars.
I don't know why I needed to hear it so badly. I just needed him to acknowledge
what I already knew was true. The way he said it makes me believe I was right.
He said he didn't have to stay for us to be together but he stayed and I know I
am why.
I have to get going since we're driving to Edge city today to visit Ryan. Thank
god he can't read my mind. That would be so hard to deal with. Plus not really
wanting to share this experience with anybody else.
This is going to be a long drive.
I love Lex so much.
~
10:01p - Back from visiting Ryan
Mom and I had a pretty good time. She drove me to Ryan's place. Ryan is so much
happier now. His aunt is very nice. I took Ryan to see a movie. The theater was
empty since it was a matinee and the movie had been out for a while. That was
fine because we still had a great time. After the movie we went for a soda and I
told him what's been going on. I gave him Lana's message. When I told her I was
going to see him she said to say hello. He was ecstatic to hear that she said
hello.
My mom and I had dinner with Ryan and his aunt. It was nice. I'm so glad things
worked for him. I do still wish he could be my brother but I'm glad he's happy.
The ride home seemed longer than the ride there. Mom seemed distant. When I
asked what was wrong she confessed that she missed Ryan a lot.
I have a few chores to do and then I am turning in. I am so tired. I've had a
really busy last few days.
~
11:09p - Nice day
It's the official last day of spring break. I should be upset that it's almost
over but I will actually be glad to get back to school. I miss Chloe, I miss
Pete and I miss having classes to go to.
Today I went riding with Lana. It was so nice and relaxing and just what I
needed. I haven't seen her much this week so it was nice to get all caught up on
what's going on. She seemed in higher spirits this time. When I picked her up at
the coffee shop she was talking to this girl. They seemed kind of into each
other.
Anyway, Lana was really upbeat and it helped me forget that I haven't seen Lex
for a few days. Not that he has to see me every day. I was very busy the last
few days.
After Lana and I rubbed down the horses I went home, showered and went over to
PR's. He got back from his vacation today. It was so weird because he kept
bragging about this girl he met. I kind of wished I could brag, but I know it
wouldn't have gone over well.
Something very important happened to me on Wednesday night. I went to see Lex
and he admitted that I was the main reason he chose to stay here in town rather
than take Mr. Big's offer. Other things happened that I am still trying to work
out. It was the best night of my life. He was amazing and just so wonderful.
I feel tired tonight but it's a good tired.
I sort of fell asleep in Lex's bed on Wednesday night. I managed to wake up in
time to get home before mom and dad found out I was gone. It was so amazing
waking up beside him. I wish I could do it every night.
~~
8:26p
I was supposed to talk to Lex today, but dad needed me to go with him for some
parts. I've been gone all day. I just got home and now I am too afraid to call.
I know I should, I told him I would but it's been almost three days since we did
it. I think about every single detail of that night and I can't resolve in my
mind why I was so compelled to ask the question right when I was inside him. I
never expected to, I would have wanted the sex even if he had told me that I was
not why he stayed.
I feel weird tonight. I feel like the farther I get away from that moment the
more dreamlike it seems. Like it was just some fantasy I concocted.
I shouldn't have asked the question at that moment. It was unfair and completely
wrong. How do I take it back? How do I change what happened? I need to be
somewhere else right now and that is not near Lex.
~~
12:02a - stupid alien life
He's like a flame I'm drawn to.
I can't turn away. I want to own him, be consumed by him.
My lies eat away at me and I wish I had never come to this place. I have to do
something. I want to tell him; I have to tell him. How can he be with me? I lie
to him every day.
I am torn in two directions. Part of me is so terrified that I am paralyzed by
the idea of telling him and part of me wants to just blurt it out.
I hate my life. I should just break it off so it hurts less in the long run.
He stopped by tonight since I hadn't gone by to see him. It was an intense
conversation.
It's so weird, I don't regret that we did it, I wanted that. I think maybe I
went about it the wrong way. I feel so ashamed of myself right now. I feel gross
and icky that I could be so forceful.
He said he could have used the safe word at any moment. He never did. He liked
it. He wanted me to own him in that moment.
I can't handle that right now. I want to lock that me away and never let him out
again.
~~
11:33p - new things
I shot some hoops with PR today and after that we drove over to his place to
hang for a while. He told me some more about this girl he met. I just nodded in
the right places etc.
Mom made a lot of pies today. It drove me insane. She spared one for me. It was
amazing as always.
So can one of you sweet nice super people on my friends list make me an angel
icon (not the one with the big forehead) Maybe some pretty art angels. I need
more and I think I have room for a few more icons.
Dad actually gave me a break today. Unfortunately the part we picked up the
other day is not enough. Another part broke down. I wish we could afford a new
tractor.
I feel kind of yuck tonight. It's not anything I can put my finger on. Just yuck
in general. Maybe it's because I'll be going back to school tomorrow.
Off to pick lint out of my bellybutton. I suck. Blah!!
~~
3:29a - Just got back from the mansion
And I think things are better. I felt hollow inside until I went there to talk
to him. At first I told him it was to just hug and kiss but he wouldn't put up
with that. I'm glad because I needed a good ass kicking. I deserved it. I was
acting childish and he deserves way better.
We talked and I admitted a few things and he told me it was okay and other
things that I think for now I will keep it private.
I watched him fall asleep. I stayed for a while to just watch him. He is
gorgeous asleep. I mean the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. In my life.
I must think more on all of this.
~
5:01p
Back to school and things are back to normal, sort of. I guess for most of my
friends they are anyway. I think I must have hugged Chloe for a half hour when I
saw her. I really missed her so much. She gave me this weird look. I didn't
bother asking.
Thank you so much for the icons. They are amazing. Now I can use them when I
leave comments over at Lex's journal.
I have deliveries to make. Of course this means I get to see Lex, if he's home.
I heard he re-hired Mr. K. This is kind of cool except for the fact that the
last time I saw him, things were kind of weird. I sort of ordered him around and
stuff. If I'm lucky he'll not mention it. He will probably be working so
hopefully he'll be too busy to talk.
~
10:51p - I fell and you caught me.
Lex was in his office today. I stopped in to just say hello and he invited me to
play a game of pool. It was so nice and relaxed. I think he won. We did a little
kissing and touching. He's got these really, really, really nice hips that I
love to just grab and today I was reminded of . . . well things. I got hard as
soon as he kissed me. Although the truth is I was already half way there. Just
being near him makes me feel hot and tingly.
We were interrupted by Mr. K. I was so embarrassed I don't think I even looked
him in the eyes. I excused myself and got out of there fast. At least it meant I
didn't have to talk to Mr. K. Lex didn't get mad or anything at him. He was
actually real nice to him. Very polite.
I had a ton of homework. It's like the teachers missed giving it out so they
piled it on big time. We have to write an essay on a book of our choice, but it
has to be something literary. It has to be approved by the teacher. I think I'll
ask Lex advice. Maybe he could recommend something cool.
I have to get to bed now since mom and dad are back to cracking the whip now
that school is on again.
~
10:39a - sweet dreams are made of these...
I don't know what is more embarrassing, waking up floating (with a hard on), or
my mother finding me that way. Good thing I wore boxers to bed. That would have
been so much more embarrassing.
I had a really nice dream. I dreamt Lex and I were flying over Smallville. In
the dream I held him close to my chest. I was also hard there, so I guess my
mind knew what my body was up to. Lex was happier than I have ever seen him. He
told me he would give me the world and that we would be together forever until
the end of time.
Then mom woke me up and I found myself five feet above my bed. I crashed as soon
as I woke up. I think mom is freaked out. I gave her a hug when I went down to
breakfast but I don't think it helped. She seemed really shaken up. I suppose
seeing your son defy gravity would do that.
For some reason I am in such a happy mood today. I think I'm freaking people out
because I can't stop smiling.
I can't wait to see Lex today. I think I'm going to just throw myself at him
when I see him, unless we're in public. Then maybe I will just pinch his ass
stealthily.
~
10:47p - Blow jobs and the perfect end to a great day
Okay so I didn't get to pinch his ass, but I think sucking him off in his office
is way better.
School was great. I couldn't stop smiling. Chloe seemed off but I gave her a big
hug. Not that hugs are the cure for all. I just felt like she needed it,
although she did guess why I was smiling so much. I didn't confirm it. When she
said you look like you got laid, I couldn't stop the blush. I hate that I blush
so easily. Stupid blush response.
I ran into Lex at the Talon and asked if he had any ideas for what book I could
do. He loaned me a copy of The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins. It was the same copy
he meant to give me way back when. I thanked him by getting on my knees and
giving him a blow job. It gave me a high the way he responded to my tongue and
my mouth on his cock.
After he came he returned the favor. I touched his head while he sucked me off
and almost came instantly. He looked so hot on his knees, sucking me off. I
wanted to just slam into his mouth until I was all the way down his throat,
coming deep in his mouth.
I couldn't take my eyes off him. His glistening, red lips stretched around me,
taking me in. I watched every second of it. His mouth is so gorgeous and hot and
wet and looks so beautiful stretched around my cock.
I love Lex's voice, but when his tongue is on me, I have to admit, I love that
more. His tongue is magic. He does this thing with it that just makes my balls
tighten. They tighten if I think about it hard enough. Just thinking about it
now is making me very hard.
When he finished me off I slid to the floor, I couldn't stand anymore. We kissed
and that was so hot. I could taste myself in his mouth. If I hadn't just come
that would have made me hard. It was like a high. I wanted more, so I did throw
myself on him and we made out for a few minutes. It was so amazing just making
out and when I had to leave I felt like I'd just had the best sex ever, even
though it was just a blow job.
I have to go jerk off - a few times.
~
11:06p - picked a book
Lex helped me pick out a book for my essay.
I've decided to do The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins.
Lex loves it so I think I want to read it. Maybe it will give me some insight
into that gorgeous brain of his. I never talk about that, but Lex is very smart.
He's also very sexy. He has this scar on his top lip that makes me twitch when
he licks it. When his lips are wet they look even better.
~~~
11:58p - changes
School was weird. I found out something today that totally shocked me. I went to
drop off my article for the newspaper and found Chloe in tears. Her girlfriend
cheated on her with another girl. Last week Lana introduced me to this girl. I
didn't think anything of it, but now I realize Lana has been spending time with
her. I saw them together a few times and I noticed this girl handing out at the
Talon. I never thought anything of it.
I tried to comfort Chloe as best I could. She doesn't want to break up with
Lana. I couldn't help but think of what happened to me. I dropped Lex as soon as
I found out he'd let that lady touch him. I told Chloe to go with her heart
since she isn't me. She won't have the same reactions I had. I hated that Lex
did that to me.
I said that maybe she could stay away from Lana just to think things through.
She decided to do that. I'm glad because I hate to see her cry. It hurts to know
that she's hurting like that. My heart just ached when I held her in my arms.
Chloe is a really good person. I wish this wasn't happening to her.
I invited her over for pie. She stopped by around seven and we had a great time.
I wanted to take her mind off everything. I think it worked. She was smiling
when she left.
When I did the deliveries today I ran into Mr. K. I knew it was inevitable. He
asked me about the night I drove him to the mansion. I think he thought I set
him up with Lex, but I assured him I was just trying to help him. I hate to
think that he would hurt himself by drinking and driving. That sort of behavior
is just plain irresponsible.
Lex had to go on a business trip. He left earlier today. He stopped by to let me
know. We snuck into the barn for a minute for a quick kiss. I was so terrified
dad would catch us, but at the same time I was very excited.
He won't be back for a few days. He went to Switzerland. I've never even been
outside of the state. I miss him already.
I started the book tonight.
~~
10:19p - I have...
... a ton of homework. I started that book (which my teacher approved). She
talked for five minutes about it. She read it. So far it's pretty good. It's set
in the past and there's this stone people took that had a curse. I'm looking
forward to talking to Lex about it and finding out what it is about the book he
loves.
I tried to talk to Lana at school today, but she was always too busy. When I
went to the Talon to see if she had time to talk her aunt N told me to bug off.
I don't think her aunt likes me very much. She always tells me to go away
whenever I try to talk to Lana, and she's around.
As I was leaving the coffee shop I noticed that girl that Chloe said Lana got to
know while Chloe was away in the city over spring break. She's really pretty.
I've never actually talked to her beyond an "excuse me" here or there. The only
thing I can remember about her is that she's very quiet.
Lex is still away. I miss him a huge amount. He's too busy to call, I'm sure.
Dad let me off the hook on chores since I have so much homework. Mom is baking
more pies. The smell is killing me.
I better get cracking.
~~~
11:25p - Okay tell me something
Just because I get driven to school by a guy does that automatically mean gay?
The more I think on this the more it annoys me. I ran into Mr. K on the way to
school. He was on the side of the road with a flat so I helped him fix it, and
in exchange he gave me a ride to school. The car he was driving was sweet; a
black, convertible Beemer.
I forgot to say that we overheard some guys from the football team make nasty
comments about me. Mr. K made a joke and I just brushed it off. I chose to
ignore them. It's not worth it in my opinion.
Anyway, I left Lana alone today. I figure she'll talk to me if she wants to. I
did ask Whitney if she'd talked to him. I didn't think he'd know but I had to
see. He didn't know anything. His dad's been very sick so Whitney has to take
care of the store. I feel bad for him sometimes. I know he wasn't nice to me,
but he's trapped and I can see it in his eyes that he feels that way.
Mom sat me down today to talk about Lex. She wanted to know how things were
going with us. I told her things were great, but I couldn't stop myself from
blushing. I hate that. She asked without saying the words if things have
happened between us. I was so embarrassed. I played dumb. She lost her nerve and
ordered me to go do chores.
Lex didn't call. He's probably very busy. I sent him an e-mail.
Now I want to go back to reading my book. It's interesting.
~~~
1:12a - Busy day today
I woke up at five am to help dad with the chores. Dad needed to go to the next
town again for another part so after he left I helped mom. After dinner I took
my book and went into town to sit at the coffee shop and read. Lana was working.
She thought I didn't want to talk to her, but the truth is, I want to. I don't
know what happened with her, but she's my friend. I told her to come by the farm
tomorrow so we could talk. She seemed relieved but then she ran off.
Her 'boyfriend' was there with his buddies. He followed her to the back after
she ran off looking really upset. He wasn't pleased with me. He must have
thought I said something to upset her, but after he came back out, he didn't
approach me, he just glared more. I resisted the urge to say something nasty. I
just can't stoop to his level. Although I have to admit he wasn't one of the
guys who made comments yesterday.
My best friend PR showed with a 'hot' date. He saw me sitting alone and came
over to say hi. He thought I was there to stalk Lana. His exact words were
'CK, you should move on. There are other fish in the sea.' I didn't correct
him. Technically I was there to see Lana, but only to make sure she was okay.
I read the book for a few hours and drank coffee. It was a nice change from the
loft, plus I think mom and dad were doing stuff. The book is interesting. The
language is different, but I understand what's being said. A few times I had to
look up a word, (I brought a dictionary with me) and I had to read some of the
sentence twice to get what it's trying to say. I can't wait to find out what
happens next.
After I came home I stayed out in the loft to do some stargazing. The sky was so
pretty tonight. I miss Lex more today. He e-mailed back to say he'd been home
some time tonight. I think I'll wait for him to call. If he's tired I don't want
to bother him.
~
2:12a - Stars
I stare at the sky and wonder which star is mine. Where did I come from? I spend
nights staring up into the heavens, wondering.
I couldn't wait. I had to see him now. I went over to the mansion, but Lex was
asleep. He must have been really tired since he was passed out on his bed still
in his pants and shirt. He didn't even take off his socks. He looked so peaceful
I didn't want to wake him so I just watched for a while. He looks so young and
almost angelic. No masks no guard-up, just pure Lex. I wondered if his mind was
still moving a mile a minute even in sleep.
He moaned a few unintelligible words. I'd like to think it was my name, but I
couldn't really tell. Maybe it was just general mumbling. I wonder if he has
nightmares. I have them still. I had the dream again where nobody pulled me down
from the cross in the field.
I still can't sleep. I feel restless. Almost like I should be doing something
but I'm not really sure what.
~~
11:46 pm - Mm
My day ended well despite it being bumpy.
School was school. I stopped by the Talon to see if Lana could spare a few
seconds. We went to the back to talk. That girl was there, sitting in a corner
watching Lana. I told Lana I thought that was unfair to Chloe to have her there
where Chloe could run into her. Lana didn't agree and we got into a little
argument.
Apparently you could hear us all the way out into the coffee shop because Lex
came back to see what all the noise was about. I left it up to Lana to say
something but she just told him it was personal. I can see why she wouldn't want
Lex to know she's screwed things up with Chloe for a kiss with another girl. I
just can't believe Lana lets that girl hang out at the Talon like that.
I left after that with Lex. We went back to the mansion and hung out for a few
hours. Then I had to go home for dinner and homework. Now I'm taking a break.
~~
12:00a - Mm cock
Lex tasted so good today. He smelled amazing. When he parked the car I couldn't
hold back any longer. I dived on him, and we made out in the car. I was so
excited I broke off the door handle on his side when I grabbed for a handhold. I
tossed it in the back seat. Lex just shrugged and didn't say anything.
We moved inside to the TV room. I was so excited I came in my jeans. It's not as
embarrassing as it used to be. I couldn't leave him all hard so I sucked him
off. I love how I can make him all weak and speechless. Plus, I love having his
cock in my mouth. It's like I own him in that moment. He's all mine and nobody
and nothing can get in the way.
I wish I could wake up every morning and suck him off.
If only things were so simple.
~~
12:02a
I am so tired of my dad thinking that Lex will cart me off to some lab if he
finds out my secret. It stresses me out enough already that I can't tell Lex,
and listening to dad drone on and on about it just makes it worse. Dad
practically said it today that if the evil Luthors find out about me they'd have
me hacked into pieces.
I know Lex would never do this, but I can't tell dad how I know, and as long as
I'm his son, living in his house, I have to listen to him.
Dad found out about Lex investigating the accident. I blurted it out that I knew
all along and that Lex has left it behind us. Bad move on my part. Dad freaked.
It was nice to just be at the mansion. At one point Lex quietly sat down close
beside me. We kissed and it was like fireworks. I feel so hot and out of
control. I want him to devour me. I felt so free and happy.
Being with Lex is the most calming and most wonderful thing in the world. I want
to cry at the unfairness of it. I love him. Why can't things be easier for us?
This is going to give me nightmares.
~
12:09a - Have you ever...
Said something you wish you could take back?
I had a huge fight with my dad. I felt so bad. I tried to backtrack but I could
see it in his eyes. It was too late.
I went straight over to the mansion right after.
Every year my dad and I go fishing. We've been doing it since I was seven. He
doesn't seem to get that I'm not seven any more. I tried to get him to see that
maybe we could do something else, like go see the football game. Lex offered to
give us box seats! How could my dad turn that down? Instead my dad refuses it
(probably because it's Lex who offered the tickets to us). I am so sick of his
attitude toward Lex. I know part of why I'm so angry at him is because of what
he said about Lex.
When I was at the coffee shop today I ran into Lex and he told me about Mr.
Big's idea of what a fishing trip is. His dad is really weird. I can't imagine
having a father like that.
While I was there I saw Lana crying right after she got a phone call. I was so
worried I asked what was wrong. Whitney's dad had another heart attack. I went
with Lana to see him in the hospital since Whitney was MIA. We sort of worked
things out on the way over to the hospital. I apologized for being out of line
about that girl. Then we just put things aside for Mr. F's sake.
It's been such a busy day. My mom made me help her with her Mobile Meals. She
likes to do a lot of volunteer work. I really don't like helping her. I have to
confess I find old sick people hard to deal with. I never know what to say or do
around them.
After the fight with dad I stayed at the mansion as long as I could. I wanted
dad to be asleep when I got home. It was so nice to just be near Lex especially
since the day had been so hectic.
12:02a
Lex isn't home. I tried calling but nobody answered. I want to go over. I need to just get away from all of this, get away from the freak stuff that always seems to happen around here. I guess that isn't possible. No matter how hard I try. Even when I'm not trying to find trouble, it finds me.
My mom almost died today. If I hadn't been at the right place at the right time she would be ash right now. I don't even know how to think right now. This guy has this freak accident and then he comes into town. Without even realizing it he wreaks havoc on the people around me, thinking he was helping them. I stopped him just before he killed my friend's father, the one who had a heart attack.
Then this guy kills himself right in front of me before I can stop him.
Dad and I still aren't talking. I don't know what to say to him. Mom gave me this speech about regret, and then I gave Whitney a speech about that, too. It seems to be the topic of the day; that and death.
I'm so glad the day is over.
I want to go to the mansion now.
~
1:26p - I love Lex so much!!!!!
I told Lex about what happened to Whitney's dad. I can't believe how amazing Lex is. He's getting some of the key players of the Sharks to come all the way to Smallville to play a game with Whitney so his father can watch his son fulfill a dream.
Lex just called to tell me what he'd arranged. He asked me to wait for him at school since the players would be coming there to play tonight. I am so excited!
He is so amazing.
~
1:59p - Gah!!!&%@#
I fell asleep in Lex's bed last night. I had no intention of doing it but when I went over he wasn't home and nobody was around. There was one security guy at the gate, but I bypassed him with my speed. I think I'm getting faster.
I looked all over for him and when I didn't find him I went up to his room just to wait for him. I dozed off and when I woke up next it was morning and Lex was on top of me. It was the best wake-up call ever. He was licking my nipples and I was so hard it hurt. He was hard, too. I resisted the urge to shove him into the mattress and kiss him as hard as I could. I was so happy to see him.
It's like when I'm alone with him there is this part of me that comes out and it feels more real than any other part of me that I have ever shown to anybody. I needed him so badly and I told him. I told him with as much honesty as I could. I wanted, no, I needed him to believe how important he is to me. I love him more than I can ever express anywhere.
This morning I expressed it in the shower. I wanted to rip his clothes off right there on the bed; instead I asked if we could go take a shower together. He gladly accepted.
I have never felt so free and open with anybody before. I stripped in front of him shamelessly, and teased him to follow me to the shower. I felt like I was where I belonged. He makes me feel so comfortable with myself.
I totally forgot I hadn't worn underwear last night. Lex was pleasantly surprised. I love to put that smile on his face. I wish I could do that every single day.
He willingly let me drag him into the shower and as soon as he was in the stall with me I got on my knees and sucked him off. (I think I want to suck him off in every single room in the mansion. I know his place has a lot of rooms.) This time I made sure to draw it out as long as I could. And I swallowed. I can still taste him in my mouth.
Then he sucked me off, and the sight of Lex on his knees, sucking me, is so hot I get hard just thinking about it. I am so glad I already had gym class today.
Lex pulled his mouth off my cock just as I was about to climax and had me come all over his chest and face. I guess he likes that, or maybe it was being in the shower since the water washes it all away. I feel like I marked him somehow. I think he wants me to mark him.
I can't wait to see him again. Even if it's in public and I blush so hard I combust.
~~~~~~~~
11:55 pm - The game was a hit!!
Like the subject says things were so amazing. Lex was thanked by all. I can't wait to thank him in private. My dad and I made up. We're going fishing on Sunday. I still don't really want to go, but Lex said I should. He's right. Dad just wants to spend time with me, and for to be happy.
I get Friday night to myself since mom and dad are going out to dinner. I think I'll see if Lex is available. I want to try this thing with my tongue. I brought an extra blanket out to the loft so we won't get cold.
I got a chance to talk to Lana at the game. She seemed in better spirits.
After dad and I got back from the game I was in such a good mood. I need to get to bed now. I have so much work to do in the morning since I skipped chores tonight.
~~~~~~
1:05a - I couldn't imagine...
... What it would be like to have a father like Lex's dad. My dad seems to dislike Mr. Big to the point of projecting that dislike on Lex. I have never held it against Lex who his father is. I know Lex doesn't hold who my father is against me. I'm just a farmer's son. My dad isn't perfect. He forces me to be something I'm not sometimes.
So I understood when Lex told me what he did.
I understand trying to live up to what your father wants. I try to do that every day. I'm going on a fishing trip that I don't want to go on to make my dad happy. I want my dad to be proud of me. I want him to be happy with the son he raised.
But more and more I see that it will never happen. My dad expects me to do great things. He tells me I am meant for so much more, and that one day I will live up to that. I have no doubt that Lex hears the same thing from his father.
It's an expectation that part of me hates, and part of me strives to live up to every single day.
I can't imagine what it's like to be Lex, to live in his world. He's one of the strongest people I have ever met. I know a little bit about his life before he came to Smallville. He told me his father sets only one limitation which is to not cause a scandal and to not get caught. I imagine his relationship with me is one of those 'don't get caught things.'
He said he needed to get a message across to his father in a way that Mr. Big would understand. Sometimes words aren't enough, and I get that. I had to make my dad believe that I was freaked over the car accident so I shoved my arm in the wood chipper. A dramatic action to let him know I was serious.
Sometimes dramatic is all some people understand.
I have done things that I never told my dad about. Things that I think he would not be proud of. I can't imagine drugging somebody and driving them to my father to get a message across, but I can imagine other things. I have never hurt another person on purpose, but I've been forced to hurt people.
Did Lex feel like he was forced to do what he did? Maybe I should ask him.
I need to think on this some more. Dad has everything ready for the trip and I need sleep.
~
10:46p - Fishing and father son bonding
We fished and caught nothing. It was nice. Not as horrible as I thought it would be, but it was nice to be with dad. He seemed really happy so that was all that mattered to me. We ate the lunch my mom made for us and talked about the upcoming season. Dad loves to speculate about whether it will be a good year or not. He's predicting a good year.
My dad isn't really all that hard to please sometimes. He'd an honest, hardworking man.
I gave him exactly what he wanted until the end. Then on the way home I asked him something. I asked him to please try harder with Lex. I told him that Lex is important to me. He promised that things will change, and that the game made him see that Lex is not at all like his father.
When we got home I was so relieved to have a shower and wash the river off. Mom made my favorite for dinner, and after I ate I did my homework. I guess it's not that bad to have a tradition, and if it makes my dad happy, I think I can live with it.
~
11:13p - Changes
The trip was not terrible. I had an okay time. We didn't catch anything. We did sit and stew a lot and talk a lot. I wasn't really sure how to get through to dad about how things have changed for me. I am not the same boy anymore. I think he just wants to pretend it isn't happening. I know he hates that one day I will leave and become something different.
Ever since Lex hit me with his car my life has been turned upside down. I figured out one of the reasons dad doesn't like him; he blames Lex for forcing him to tell me the truth. I think if it wasn't for that accident, dad would have kept the secret for as long as possible. I love my dad but I have to admit I hated him just for a moment when I found out how much of a freak I really am. He kept this secret from me for all these years.
Towards the end of our trip I brought Lex up. I asked dad why he hates him so much. Dad, of course, denied that he hates Lex. I called him on it, and before I knew it we were shouting into each other's faces. That was when he yelled that if it hadn't been for Lex our lives (his life) would be so much easier. I dragged it out of him what he meant by that.
At first I was so ticked I ran off, but after ten minutes I went back. Dad was still just sitting there staring into the water. I told him I'm not a boy anymore. Even though I'm the son he's raised all these years, I'm an alien, a freak, and no amount of denial will ever change that. At first he told me to stop, but then I showed him. I lifted a tree trunk above my head to emphasis my point.
Then I told him that the day Lex hit me with his car was one of the best days of my life. I told him I was glad it happened, and that now I can deal with something I should have already been dealing with all my life. After I said that dad didn't say anything else.
He can't hate somebody for taking away something he never had. Dad thinks he can control this. I love him and mom. That is never going to change, but they have to let me be me. In the end this is what dad doesn't like. He knows that Lex is bringing something out in me that nobody else ever has; the real me. And it's not 'the me' he ever imagined I'd become.
Even after all this I still couldn't tell him what Lex really means to me. I did tell him one thing. I told him that one day I am going to tell Lex what I am. He was not happy, but I think he needed to hear it. I felt so brave, telling him that.
It's funny, even though I can bench-press a house, I am still afraid of my father.
~~~~~~~~~~
10:07p - totally not me
Mr. K hit Lex in the face. I wasn't really sure how to feel about this at first. I mean, I know I didn't like it. I kept most of what thought to my self. I told myself I'm just overprotective, but the real truth is I don't like it when he's hurt. You'll think well, duh, freak, nobody likes a loved one to get hurt. I know it seems common sense but Lex is not just anybody, and what I feel for him isn't just over protectiveness.
When I did the deliveries today I had to change my route around since we have a few new clients. So Lex wasn't in his office to say hello, like he usually is. I did run into Mr. K. This was a weird encounter for me since a small part of me wanted to punch his lights out. I can admit that here. Most people who know me can say I'm a very quiet person. I would never hurt anybody on purpose. At least that was the case a few years ago. Now it seems like they are fighting for the privilege of my fist in their face.
It's not as bad as it sounds. Like I said I hate it when my friends get hurt, so I always step in whenever I can.
I didn't hit him. I did however tell him that Lex is my priority number one and that he is who I would stand behind no matter what action Lex took. I'm not saying I will blindly stand by. I think I threatened Mr. K. I have never done something like that before. It didn't hit me, that I had done it, until I was at the next stop on my delivery route.
I told him to never punch Lex again, and implied that something bad would happen to him if he did. The truth is I don't really think I'd do anything. Or maybe I would.
I feel weird about this. I mean I know I would do the same thing for my mom or dad. I just never thought there would ever be another person I would feel so strongly for.
~~~~~~~~~
12:36a - I dress up
To go see Lex and I find him in jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt. I can't seem to catch a break. I had a boring night last night. Lex didn't call back until the next day. He was busy with fiscal year end (what ever that means).
When I went by the mansion to see him, it was like I'd just walked into the twilight zone. I found Lex and Mr. K in the office with empty Slurpee cups. I walked in and thought I was in the wrong house. I have never seen Lex so relaxed when he was dressed. He looked so happy, and just relaxed.
I'm happy they're getting along better now, but do they have to get along so well?